This week on Clown College.
You know what? Let's test that theory.
I'm gonna stick myself with this knife.
Don't do it Brandon.
And then Dante's gonna come up here and save me.
Brandon, he's not here.
No, he's gonna be here soon.
Don't do it Brandon.
He's gonna be here soon.
Don't stick yourself with that knife.
He's gonna be here soon.
Listen Dante, I know you're not here right now,
but you're watching this.
And listen, you better come save me.
I'm about to do it.
You know this is live streaming right?
This is pre-recorded.
Cause I'm gonna be because of you right now.
Look at this.
Don't **** yourself.
It's time to do it man.
What are you talking about?
You have so much to live for.
I know I do man.
I do.
Man, y'all don't give a **** do you?
Brandon, don't turn this on me.
It is weird that you're threatening to **** yourself
and you're like, this is your fault.
No, you just said you're gonna hurt yourself.
Goodbye y'all.
Alright.
Okay.
There we go.
I'm not ****ing.
I'm alright.
You see that?
I gotta take it home.
No.
Nah, I'm just playing.
You can take it home if you want to.
Cause he said it's like gold.
Gold?
Yeah.
And I told him don't ****ing touch it.
Cause it's my boy Brandon's.
Thank you man.
I'm glad you stopped that.
Yeah.
Jack got you that?
Yes.
Yes he did.
No, it was Charlie.
It was Charlie.
It was Charlie Swisher.
Charlie Swisher.
It means less now.
What's up?
What's up guys?
Oh yeah.
Huh?
Is this happening?
We're always on.
Yes we are.
This is happening.
Huh?
This is happening.
We got the big dog back.
Hello.
Hey.
Scott Gang Gang Easton.
Yes.
How you say it?
Easton?
Fuck you.
You know how to say my ****ing name?
Don.
You really got it wrong the first time I heard that.
I did.
I fat-pumped it though.
Did you?
It wasn't because I got it wrong.
No, you got the fat-pumped.
I respect that.
Don't respect that Brandon.
Nah, because dude I got something right now.
You ever had like a swollen taste bud?
Yeah.
I got one like directly in the back of my throat.
Oh.
It's like I'm something back there.
My mom called those lie bumps.
Lie bumps?
Yes.
So what's the point of that?
What does that do?
It's just one of those silly southern things like in my family.
It was like if you had a turned inside out taste bud, my mom would be like, oh you got
a lie bump?
You got a lie too.
And I'd say, oh sorry, it just stuck.
But the thing is I've said that to people that did not know that and they were like,
what the **** are you talking about?
Yeah.
It doesn't translate to everybody.
But I always get a kick when somebody's like, oh yeah, lie bump.
Yeah, I've heard that.
You ever heard that?
Never dude.
You haven't heard that?
I heard it.
I just don't remember.
Like my parents used to say it.
That's a lie bump.
My grandmother had it.
I just never listened.
Oh, it's some old school southern shit.
Definitely old school.
Yeah.
When you got a turned inside out taste bud.
Did you know you don't regenerate taste buds too?
Every time you lose one, that's it forever?
I didn't know that man.
No.
I'm about to lose meat.
You have a finite amount of taste buds technically.
Damn.
Yeah.
So how do you lose a taste bud though?
Exactly like that.
When a taste bud gets turned inside out, it's gone.
When it heals, that taste bud's dead.
I know.
I just lost three.
There's several ways that you can f*** your taste buds up.
And one of them, like when my mom was dying of cancer, chemotherapy,
a side effect with certain rough chemos is burning your taste buds out.
So my mom lost all her sense of taste.
And it's so closely tied in your body to the want to eat.
Imagine when you eat, we do take enjoyment from it.
Like this burger's good, this is good, whatever it is.
When you can't taste anything and you literally are just eating to live,
you lose the will to eat.
Yeah.
You literally only eat enough to keep yourself alive because you have
taken all the enjoyment out of eating because you're literally eating tasteless
things because you have no taste buds.
Yeah.
That's why it's like a lot of people that have, because your sense of smell
is so closely tied to your sense of smell or your sense of taste.
Yeah.
So when people are, I've known a few people, I actually just met a comic
when I was in St. Louis that grew up, he's nose blind.
Like he can't smell anything.
Yeah.
And it seriously affects his taste.
So that's why he eats super spicy and hot s*** all the time because that's
the only way he can feel.
You know what I mean?
It's like, yeah.
It's true though.
It's like every way he's like spicy s*** you got because that's all he can,
that's just the only sensation he's got because he can't really taste that much.
Wow.
Yeah.
So yeah, be careful when you turn one inside out, you may be like RIP, homie.
Damn, man.
I just lost three then, man.
Right?
Yeah, man.
Hold on, what you got, three bumps in your mouth?
Yeah, in the back.
That's herpes.
That's something else.
No, no, no.
I promise you this is taste buds.
I promise you.
In the back of your throat or the back of your tongue?
No, the back of my tongue.
Not throat.
Well, you said throat first time.
Yeah.
That's close.
I looked at them.
Speaking about the back of your throat, we were just at an open, like we've been to,
we've had an apartment show today, stand up at a Leveley Live, we had the showcase, and
then we had Fat Sammy's, you guys, with Mike and you said something bringing me up.
What did you say?
So I was at a certain job, I'm not going to tell you.
You don't have to say anything.
I've worked at plenty of places in my life.
And I was at this one place, and we had a boss that messed with a person that was underage.
Multiple though, right?
Yeah, and was messing with other people too, because you were seeing them in the car.
The way you said it earlier though, consensually or was he banging young people and young people
like hell yeah, or was it like a-
Well, at first it was like a hell yeah, then a hell no.
If you think about that.
That was it.
You said it was multiple.
And then dude told me, he was like, ah man, I didn't think you were going to make it with
news flash, this bitch didn't make it.
And then he went on a run, which is the reason that he has 20 years now.
20 years?
In prison.
For having sex with underage people.
No, no, they said because he ran.
They didn't give a fuck about that.
No, they didn't sadly.
Ran from what?
Ran from the police.
He went out of town and escaped and all that.
It had nothing to do with the-
No, no, he would have had way less time.
Way less time.
He ain't lying.
He probably wouldn't even went to prison.
Fuck.
But he didn't touch you?
No, man.
He just told me he didn't think I was going to make it.
Make it him.
You know what that means, he's like, you ugly though.
No, I'm saying man.
I'm sure you were adorable.
I feel bad.
I felt sad and puffy.
He remembers me when I was 14.
Is that when you were fat?
Yes.
What age did you get not fat?
That same age.
It was weird man, because I came back and everybody thought I did crack.
He said this multiple times.
Teachers are like, you do crack?
I was like, no, I just play basketball.
What a thing to ask a child.
I see you lost some weight, Brandon, smoking them rocks.
Oh yeah, they ain't giving a fuck.
They would cuss you out too.
I got an argument with one of them.
Where was this?
At Lee High School in Chapman Middle School.
Nope.
Same guys.
Chapman and Lee.
Don't like that place.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So Brandon, if you had to have sex with two people.
What?
What a jump.
That is weird.
Where did that come from?
And those two people, their ages combined to equal 30, what two ages would you choose?
Oh, that's a great question.
That is a terrible question.
Wait a minute, I'm confused.
That is such an awful question.
Somebody do this and slow it down.
That's an unwinnable, un-winnable question.
Actually, I do have an answer that cracks this riddle.
And it would be a born on leap year and then a 20 year old and then a person born on leap
year that would be, technically they would only be 10, but they would really be 40.
So boom, riddle cracked.
Brandon, yeah.
Same one right there.
No, no, no.
See, that's why you have to have to have sex with two people.
No, no, no.
You have to answer after Brandon.
But I was insulted by the question.
I do not want to hang Brandon out to dry and he's like 20 and 10.
Well, Brandon would have said 20 and 20.
He would have been like 20 and 20.
He'd say 20 and 65.
85.
No, not 85, probably 50.
20 and 60.
Wait, are we doing math?
He's not.
That's old age, right?
What?
Old age is what?
I say it because you were like.
You talking about when somebody becomes a senior citizen?
55.
59.
Technically 55.
59.
It's 55.
Oh, 55?
Yeah.
I still say 59.
Yeah.
All right.
Why ask if you just go and do your own shit?
When did you think you could start drawing social security?
So the earliest you could draw social security in America is 62 and a half, if I'm not mistaken.
Don't say Don when he's sitting right next to me with his gray ass beard.
He's in my shit and ain't got no gray.
I don't die.
First off, y'all are younger than me.
Y'all motherfuckers ain't getting social security, so don't even worry about it.
That is true.
Don't even worry about it.
Brandon, they'll have a program.
So you know how Trump's inauguration, he was like, I'm going to do right by Martin Luther
King.
And literally the next day he would try to revoke a policy.
I didn't see it.
Did you see that?
I saw it.
The, what was it?
1965.
Civil rights act.
No, no, man.
Fuck that.
He just went, we're going to nip it all in the bud.
It's where you can't, it's the law that's saying you can't fire anybody for the race
race.
Oh yeah, I've seen that.
I've seen that.
And then he's like, let's get rid of that.
Why?
Why does he want to get rid of it?
Because he, because he wants to get rid of any thing that resembles the, the, but it's
the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the diversity and equality.
Yeah.
But this is like a civil rights.
Is that what it is?
Diversity and equality.
I think it's diversity, equity and inclusion.
Boom.
See what I mean?
Leave it to a young person.
I knew the acronym.
He's going for his mouth.
I knew what it meant, but I don't know the three.
I didn't know the three letters, what they, I was close.
I haven't, this is, this is all like in the last year, new to me.
I never heard of that.
College.
Well, so that's really big now because that's the, I can't remember the guy's name, but
the guy on X or Twitter that was the one pressure in the companies into dropping their DEI initiatives.
So it was like a home Depot was, had a big DEI initiative.
And this guy, basically he's got a millions of followers on X and social media.
And he was like boycott this company until they dropped this bullshit DEI.
And he's done that several times over.
And it worked.
So it worked for, I think home Depot.
It worked for Harley Davidson.
And it worked for several other companies too.
Facebook just dropped their DEI.
Zuckerberg is licking Trump's nuts.
Facebook got the DEI gone.
So it's like the only company that, that doubled down that I saw Costco recently was like,
hell yeah Costco.
Costco was like, fuck you.
We ain't dropping shit.
We're big on DEI.
We're going to stick with it.
So it's like, because they are in an industry where people are like, well, it's not like
I'm not going to go to Costco.
You know what I mean?
It's like, it's like when Chick-fil-A did that, they're like, fuck you.
You still need to chicken.
They're still going to eat the chicken.
The funny thing is most of my gay friends were like, I don't give a fuck.
That's just delicious.
Yeah.
So, I mean, I could understand if you were gay and you didn't want to go, but hold on.
Is it, is it, is it their anti-gay or they just Christian?
No, they are Christian, but it's what happened.
Actually the whole crux of it was like they're, uh, some of their upper management, like at
the sea level, like CEO, founder and things like that were very anti-gay.
They made some, they had some anti-gay sentiments, like personally, and they, they said a few
things and then it was just, uh, it kind of trickled down.
And then a lot of people in such a flavor, like the company doesn't stand for that.
That was their personal opinion.
But it's like, how do we parse out the opinion of the founder and owners of the company by
saying the company doesn't feel that way?
Well, that seems fucking weird.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, they're in charge of the company.
Yeah, exactly.
And they're like, no, but the company, that doesn't reflect the company's viewpoint.
And I was like, okay.
Uh, so yeah, but I mean, I, I mean, that just shows, I mean, people do the biggest thing
you can do in America to fuck with somebody is fuck with their money, dude.
You fuck with their dollars.
That's how you fuck with people.
And people, a few people, especially on the right have learned how to apply pressure on
people. Be like, look, we, you're going to lose 50% of your customers if you don't bend
to our will.
And what they want is like no DEI.
But the thing is they're not technically coming out and saying like, you can't hire a black
person or anything like that.
No, it's like, we just like, we don't, we don't want to.
Yeah.
We don't have to.
Yeah.
Uh, but then it's like, there's so honestly, it's not no pun intended.
It's not black and white.
You know what I mean?
It's not because it was like that fucking, when people freaked out in LA, they, they
were interviewing that, uh, the fire chief who was a DEI hire.
Oh, I saw that.
And uh, very misguided, weird shit that was like, people like to be saved by people that
look like them.
And it's like, motherfucker, if I want to get saved, I don't give a fuck what you look
like.
But they were also like, I don't care what you look like.
And they also address that like classic argument of like, well, you don't want 115 pound woman
trying to carry you out of a fire.
And they were like, I don't care.
So the person's response to that was like, well, it sounds like they got themselves in
a really bad position.
And I was like, what?
That sounds like a them problem.
Not a me problem.
Could you imagine you're like about to burn, we're not burning yet.
And she was like, well, you're too big.
You just got to burn.
You shouldn't have got yourself in this situation.
That's crazy.
You're not gonna do that.
Don't brand it.
I figure out a way.
Whatever we got to do, we got to cut them walls open, whatever we got to do to get you
I love that you 600 pound life to me.
We got to cut this wall open.
Whatever we got to do.
You won't fit through the door, Dom.
I can't get you.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Come on.
Get the saw, man.
We're gonna get you out one way or another.
I'm gonna get pulled out of the bathroom by the jaws of life.
Brandon, will you tell Scott what the saying is if you go to Iraq and you're not going
to live?
We'll do the best we can for you.
So what's that mean?
So you're at Iraq and you're bleeding a little bit and then Brandon says.
We're gonna do the best we can for you.
And I'm gonna die.
I'm not saying that.
It's just not guaranteed.
We're gonna get you.
Well, of course.
That is very logical.
You don't want to look at anybody like, I promise you're gonna make it.
They're dead.
Fuck.
But to my best ability.
I gotta stop promising these people.
To my best ability, we're gonna make sure you live.
However I can try.
Yeah, of course.
The best I can.
Yeah, yeah.
No, man.
I mean, that's the goal.
Because I love you, man.
Yeah, man.
Thank you.
Don't say that to a regular page.
Like, girl, you're gonna make it.
I love you.
You're gonna get sued.
He saved me, but I'm suing.
I take out the love part.
And that EMT sexually harassed me while he was.
Oh, no.
Take out the love part.
Yeah, you gotta take out the love part.
Don't be telling strangers you love.
Nah, I'm just kidding.
That sounds like some shit Dante would do.
I wasn't telling you that.
I'll tell you what.
If I was in a wreck and Dante showed up as the EMT, I'd be like, just kill me.
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying that.
I'm not saying that.
I would make sure everybody's out of my house.
I would tie myself up, put a bomb in there,
we'd just blow that shit up.
What?
What an elaborate.
And you're gonna tie yourself up?
Why?
You wanna take away your family's home?
So that you can't run?
Yeah, so if I try to run, I can't run.
So.
Because you know sometimes people have second thoughts.
Yeah.
I think, you've seen the movie Fight Club.
You've seen the movie Fight Club too many times.
I've never seen it.
I still gotta watch it.
It was like, interesting.
I just know Brad Pitt's in it.
But I like how he's like,
my mom's gonna lose her son and her house.
Oh, man, I make sure I get a house for us.
It could be a bad house, man.
So you're gonna better your life
so you can kill yourself?
It'd be in the middle of fucking nowhere in the country.
That would be some Brandon shit, though.
I would kill myself.
I'm doing the best I've ever done, but I'm committed.
I'd make sure so far that the ambulance nobody
could get to you until it's too late.
Brandon, I think it's too late the minute you blow up.
By the time they get there.
I don't think you gotta worry about the ambulance.
It's like, we can save him.
Yeah, no.
The fire's gonna be out and everything.
You're gonna be cooked.
Okay, so blowed up.
I'm gonna jump off a very high building.
A high building.
I'm gonna make it funny, though.
Yeah.
Like, other guys?
Oh, hell yeah.
That's good, but one of my favorite jokes,
Kyle Kanane, is just to spice it up at first,
I'm gonna go down on him and put a glass of water
at the bottom of the bottle.
And I'm gonna jump, and when I hit,
I want people to be like, what do you think he was?
Trying to...
Doop.
I think that would be fun.
Plus, it's like, I mean, why not feel like you're flying?
Yeah, true, 100%.
And more than like...
You wanna fly once in your life, like three.
Yeah, and more than likely, if you jump off
a tall enough building, if you're really gonna do it,
I'm going out with a bang.
Burst gleefully.
I'm talking, well, wow, that would be a good one.
You know you will die before you...
But I think easier to jump off the Empire,
yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Set a world record.
If you jump off the Empire State Building,
or Sears Tower, or something like that,
you're gonna fucking have a heart attack
and die before you hit the ground.
Yeah, yeah.
So fuck it, yeah, why not?
I wanna fly for a minute.
Yeah, you probably, I mean, you probably get 10 seconds
of flying, yeah.
I would think you'd get a, yeah, you're,
I mean, your heart will probably explode,
but you do have a few seconds before your heart will pop.
So it's like, you might as well.
It's just fucking...
I'm down with that now.
Float down.
But at that high, oh man.
I thought, like, the aftermath.
Oh, it's nasty.
Oh dude, at that height, at that height,
I don't think there's any, I mean...
It's probably not much left.
Disintegrate.
You're just a myth, man.
That's fucking everywhere, dude.
Or, I mean, worst nightmare would be
to land on somebody or something.
Oh my gosh, man.
To land on somebody.
Oh yeah, and you'll instantly kill a...
Oh, damn yeah.
You'll both be gone.
I mean, honestly, I think, I mean,
any one of us, I think from that height,
I think we'd crack the concrete when he lands.
Guaranteed.
Definitely crack the concrete.
That's dark as hell, man.
I hope you make like a wily coyote hole in it.
Yeah.
When I jump off, I go,
yahoo hoo hoo!
Oh god, you look like Goofy, man, hell yeah.
How would you kill yourself?
I would wanna try to accomplish something,
and then if I just didn't survive,
that would be me committing suicide.
Like, trying to like jump the Grand Canyon
on a motorcycle.
And if I make it, cool.
But if I die, that would be me killing...
Or like, test out one of Dom's theories
and try to like fist fight a Jaguar.
Oh god, you just wanna jackass your way into suicide.
Exactly.
I wanna make it fun.
You just wanna keep doing it until you are dead.
Here's the problem with that.
That is all of a sudden,
you get paralyzed from the neck down.
People are like, we're gonna take care of you.
You'll be like, no!
Yeah.
No, I'm trapped in my body forever.
You know how hard it is to kill yourself
when all you can do is head bang?
Yeah.
You can't.
Dude, I'm telling you,
we have this on camera.
If I'm ever like that, I want to die.
If I'm looking at you,
and it looks like he's like, oh, he looks happy.
No, I'm telling you to fucking kill me.
Please.
Paralyzed from the neck down, I'm gonna check out.
Yeah, ooh.
I don't know about that.
I don't wanna do that.
And I know a couple, I've known quadriplegics,
and yeah, they've all been like, I wanna die.
Yeah.
I haven't met one where I'm like, it really opened my eyes.
And now they're all like, dude, this shit is garbage.
That's the only thing they can open.
This shit is not good.
And then they blew in their straw
and they went away.
Damn.
Can you still blink and stuff, man?
You can blink.
I mean, if you're paralyzed from the fucking neck down,
I mean.
I'll tell you what.
If this happens, man, you blink, you have to look at me,
and don't blink, just wink at me about five or 10 times.
So are we assuming he can't speak?
Yeah, yeah, no, that's what I'm talking about.
Like I'm saying, you can't speak.
I would probably, if I can speak,
I would just tell you to kill myself.
Oh, yeah.
It's one of those things where you know
you're like all the way not there.
We'll figure something out.
If you're in the military, just fucking morse code it.
You know, are you a morse code?
I don't know that shit.
I don't barely know that.
Terrible soldier.
Let's see.
So how many times do I gotta blink for you to kill me?
Eight times.
Eight times in a row.
And then me and JJ, we'll figure something out.
No, no, no, this is gonna be you.
How are you gonna kill me if I'm not?
This motherfucker's just gonna get an eyelash
and be like, oh.
Oh, fuck that.
Ah!
Let's see.
He uses the fake knife.
Damn, man.
But he's serious about it.
He's gonna kill you with the fake knife?
He just blooded you to death with the fake knife.
You have like two leaves.
Can you move your head at all?
I can't do anything but blink my eyes.
How would you kill me?
Well, I guess we would come up with something
where I'd be like, okay.
I'd be like, blink once if you want me to blink.
No, no, no, all right.
You already know I'm wanting to die.
How are you gonna kill me?
I know if I'm gonna be nice and give you a choice.
So I'd be like, if you blink once,
then I'll just get you a little,
because you're gonna be in a chair or something, right?
I'll be in something.
Then I'll get you to a really good cliff,
probably Montesano.
I'll pour a beer down you like,
I'll put like a beer down you.
Please do that.
And we'll just talk about good times.
And then before I go home,
I'll just push you off that thing.
The second one, if you blink two times,
we'll go to the gun shop.
I don't know.
This is a choose your own adventure.
You try to bark at something each time I pointed the gun,
you'd be like, ah, ah.
I'd be like, oh, okay, you want that one.
And now.
Now what I do, ah, ah.
I don't know, you'd be like, ah.
I don't know.
I like, why in this scenario
does he have a preference what to gun?
Yeah. I don't know, man.
He's like, shoot.
Holy my Glock, motherfucker.
It's like picking your own coffin, man.
And then the third one,
if you want to just be poison man,
I got to just do three times.
You are naming such terrible ways.
I don't know.
Wait, what am I supposed to do?
Get a pillow and just.
Honestly, in his sleep.
Then do that four times.
In his sleep, that's good.
Or honestly, take a, honestly,
take a knife, if he's paralyzed from the neck down,
take a knife and just jab it right here
in the soft spot of the night and set it.
Best part, I have a couple of katanas too, man.
So I could do like a clean sweep.
Jesus Christ.
You gonna kill this motherfucker,
like teenage mutant ninja.
Turn over this video.
I got a freak katana and like a machete
and then some pocket knives.
We could pick one of them if you want.
Okay.
Pocket knife.
Jesus Christ.
Nice. Thank you, Brandon.
And I'm gonna be relying on you
whenever this inevitable car crash happens.
Oh no, man.
Don't, no.
I just watched him.
Please, no.
For you, it ain't gonna happen in a car crash.
This motherfucker gonna get drunk,
dive into a shallow end of the pool.
That's why I'm gonna hide.
I've seen too many videos.
I won't do that.
I don't dive anyway.
I cannonball.
No.
The only catch, Dom.
I'm a cannonball.
The only catch is, once this happens,
you're gonna have to try to fire me
because I know what you're gonna do
and I'm gonna try to avoid you
because I don't wanna do it.
But you just told me you would do it, man.
I know what you're gonna have to do.
And once you see me, then I have to.
Whatever, I don't know, whoever pushes you or whatever,
you'd be like, I don't know how Stefan Hawkins did it.
He'd be like, fine, Brandon.
And that happens.
Did you just say Stefan?
That's his name.
What's his name?
Stefan Curry.
Steven?
Stefan Urkel.
That's like his name.
His name's Steven?
Steven.
Oh, Stefan Hawkins?
Oh my God.
I'm not gonna want to do this.
Steven Hawkins was still banging small boys.
Or girls.
No, that's not good.
Midgets, midgets.
No.
You know what?
You all are small people.
I do wanna know if that's confirmed.
I don't know if it's confirmed either.
He was on the island.
Well, y'all are convinced he could get off.
Damn, you're right.
He doesn't have a choice.
Like, get off.
No, I don't think that's what you're talking about.
But also get off the island.
I get what he's saying.
Oh, you think they just took him out here
and was like, I want to go.
They're like, shut up.
Shut up, fuck, shut up.
That makes sense.
Midgets, midgets, get over there.
Yeah, he can't move.
That is my favorite whole thing about the Epstein stuff.
My favorite rumor was Stephen Hawking and his kink was
he liked to have midgets do high level math equations
on white boards they couldn't reach.
Shut the fuck up.
Is that real?
Oh, no, who knows?
I mean, it's so specific and odd,
it very well might be true.
That's very specific.
He had like weird kinks, for sure.
Oh, he had weird kinks.
Here's the thing, he wasn't always in a wheelchair.
He was, you know, he got around.
Here's the crazy thing is this man cheated on his wife
after he was fucked up like that in the wheelchair.
Boss.
Damn, man.
He was in a wheelchair,
fucking beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
like that and was like, oh, hey, what's up?
That's crazy.
He cheated on his wife.
Who is a saint, by the way?
Yeah.
God damn saint.
A saint and he's over here just slinging that broke dick
all the way.
Disabled dudes, fuck.
They do.
I mean, sure, but he is a Nintendo game.
I was watching a movie with my girlfriend
like two weeks ago.
It's with Amelia Clarke, the girlfriend Game of Thrones.
I forgot what it's called.
The dude's name's Sam Claflin,
and the actor in that movie that's in the wheelchair
that she's the caretaker for.
Yeah, he's a quadriplegic.
They end up falling in love.
His mom hires her.
He ends up, he's real pessimistic,
but then obviously she starts brightening him up,
but he still signs up for a euthanasia thing in Sweden
and he still dies.
Damn, man.
When you got Emily Clarke.
Amelia Clarke?
Emily Clarke.
It's Amelia.
It's not.
Well, is she British or something?
Yeah.
It's Amelia.
Damn, man.
She's also very hot.
Oh, God.
I do love her.
I love British women.
I have a real soft spot for British women.
I'm with you.
So yeah, she's up there for me.
But her personally, she came out that far.
She is in a couple fucked up movies.
There's that other movie that was the one
based on the Wham song, Last Christmas.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
So she's in this movie called Last Christmas,
and she falls in, she meets and, and I'm summarizing,
she meets and falls in love with Henry Golden,
the guy who played Snake Eyes, the Asian dude.
You'd know him if you saw him.
Anyway, falls in love with him.
Oh yeah, I do know him.
And then it's like he's in the movie,
and then at the end of the movie you find out
he was never there, he was a ghost.
She had a heart transplant and got his heart
and was seeing his ghost, and she fell in love
with his ghost, but she had his heart
from a heart transplant.
So it's like, yeah, she likes to be in the ones
where it's like, oh, they're dead.
Oh, shit.
That's crazy, dude.
That's the movie where Dom gets a racist's heart.
Ooh.
And he's not any different.
Yeah, there it is right there.
Last Christmas.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
Yeah, exactly, that's exactly, see what I mean?
The whole movie's based on one line in a Wham song.
Oh, shit.
Oh!
I gave you my heart.
Oh!
Y'all are getting that.
I'm just getting that right now.
Just getting that right now.
I thought, damn.
Damn, dude, I don't understand what it is
about women's movies, female-oriented movies
being about just the worst tragedy imaginable and romance.
Well, that's kind of like the whole thing.
When it was like, Oxygen, the channel for women,
and every show was like, watch this woman get beat up.
Yeah.
Watch this woman get murdered.
Watch this woman like, damn, Oxygen hates women, dude.
They hate these women.
Like, it's cold outside.
It's never, man.
The only positive movies were on there was like,
watch this woman kill her.
Yeah.
Watch her set him on fire.
You seen Double Jeopardy?
During his sleep.
Oh, Double Jeopardy.
You remember the old school Double Jeopardy?
The one with Tommy Lee Jones.
Tommy Lee Jones.
The great movie.
When Ashley Judd was banging to her.
Yeah, Ashley Judd, she killed that role, too.
That was a great movie.
Double Jeopardy was good.
Good movie.
I loved her prison training montage.
Oh, yeah.
She was just doing sit-ups, doing fangirlish glows.
I do enjoy, yeah.
I do like montages.
They don't have fingers.
That's what Jake does.
No, montages are great.
Yeah, old Double Jeopardy.
Yep.
We watched this in school.
Really?
In like a civics class.
Really?
Learning about Double Jeopardy.
There's like sexy parts.
It was strange.
There's sexy parts.
That guy, he was a character.
I saw him at Lone Goose not that long ago.
Your teacher that showed you Double Jeopardy?
Yes, dude.
That motherfucker was, he was hungover for sure
when he showed that movie, too.
That's what teachers do.
He definitely was.
He's like, man, y'all just watch this movie.
Learn something.
No, he hated his life.
Did you learn a lot?
No, I mean, I learned this.
He was also, he got me to like put the flag up
in the morning and take it down at the end of the school day.
Did you guys fold it right or you just took it down?
We folded it in a triangle.
We had to learn.
Like he taught us.
And then he would buy us McDonald's like once a month
because we did it.
And it was me and my friend Eric.
He lived down the street from me and he's mixed.
And one time we dropped it on accident
and it was at the end of the day
and a guy in the car rider line got out of his truck
and started calling him the N word.
What the hell?
What the fuck?
I swear, dude.
What was his name?
Spartan Middle School, dude.
Oh.
The one and only.
Gang gang.
Nah, man, I can't get into the gang.
It's Tony.
I got a husband.
You know.
Oh yeah, I know Tony.
Your girlfriend lives there.
Yeah.
Fiance.
Yes, yes, yes.
Fiance.
Yes, yes, yes.
I don't know if we can say it.
Yes, you can say that.
You can say it.
Soon to be.
Soon to be wife.
Yep, that's why we're shooting this at 10 o'clock
on a Wednesday.
Hell yeah.
Oh, it's probably midnight by now.
It's not 10 o'clock.
Yeah.
That's sometime.
That's later.
Yeah.
Congratulations, man.
Thank you, man.
Let me get a little applause.
Hey, cheers, man.
Cheers.
I'm just looking at Ashtajud up here in this tank top.
Hello, Ashtajud.
Were you excited?
Yes, I am.
Hell yeah.
Were you guys partying at this weekend?
Partying at?
Nah, just hotel.
Oh, you guys are, ah, I didn't know, real?
Okay, okay.
When's the wedding?
Oh, it's Friday.
Friday?
Mm-hmm.
None of us were invited.
No, you guys are.
You wanna come?
It's courthouse.
I'm not coming.
Damn, man.
You gonna come to the celebration?
Sure, when's the celebration?
In fall, probably.
In fall?
Yeah.
We're broke.
Yeah.
I'm busy then.
Damn, man.
Of course, I mean, I'll come.
Thank you, man.
See, that's what I'm saying, man.
But that's where you want everybody at,
is the celebration.
Yes, yes, yes.
You guys just wanna go do your thing on Friday,
celebrate your weekend?
We need a witness, right?
Yeah.
So yeah.
Are you excited to have sex for the first time?
It's not my first time.
Well, yeah, but I mean like, consensually.
It's always been consensual.
Okay, my bad.
Thank you.
Well, you said always, let's not exaggerate.
Always, man, always.
Whatever you, whatever you want to say.
Hey, look at me, man.
I got you.
No winks.
What's happening right now?
No winks.
This is gonna be admissible in the court of law
if y'all keep.
Yeah, man, before this, I was a virgin.
He won't snitch on the guys that are the people.
It might be.
It won't snitch on the guys, I mean the people.
There's some stuff, I don't wanna get in that, man.
Yeah.
They swept that under the carpet.
I don't know.
What?
I thought we were talking about the job thing.
I thought you were talking about the job thing.
We started all the way back to what we started.
Yeah, I thought that's what you were talking about.
I was like, yeah, I don't want nothing to do with that.
I was just kidding.
That could've got real real.
I do, that was a very weird all the way around.
Yeah, I was like, I just wanna do it.
To reach.
That situation, man.
To reach that.
Honestly, that was a very interesting picture
of how your brain works,
of how all that connected back to that.
Yeah.
Man, it was sad, man.
Yeah.
Was it?
Yes.
But not for you, because he didn't hit you.
Thankfully, no, no, he didn't give a fuck about me.
But he's in jail for 20 years now.
Yeah, so it doesn't matter.
No.
Long time to think.
What would be your strategy if you got 20 years in prison?
Like, are you gonna just?
I mean, you kinda have to just join a gang, probably.
And like, just keep all that life.
It depends on where you're at
and what kind of prison you're in.
I agree.
What's the crime that we did that being in prison?
Well, I was imagining.
I'm gonna go ahead and say it's a hard felony,
and this is a state facility.
State facility?
Yeah.
You could be good in prison.
Well, here's the thing.
It's like, what you see in movies and TV
and everything like that,
it's like, you're not gonna be in Huntsville,
and they're like, you're going to Sing Sing.
That's not, you know what I mean?
Oh, you're going to Alcatraz.
It's like, no, you go to a fucking prison
that's close to where you're being sentenced,
unless it's like a special circumstance.
Unless you're a fat case.
Yeah, unless it's a special circumstance.
So it just depends on what prison you're at.
Like, if you want to be like, you want that real shit,
be like, you got 20 years in Pelican Bay.
Yeah.
All right, so let's say.
That would be worst case scenario.
But let's say you got 20,
we all got sentenced to 20 years in Pelican Bay,
different times.
What are you doing to survive?
What's first on your list?
Well, first, make sure I-
Do I want to survive?
Yeah, it's only 20 years, dude.
It's only, yeah.
20 years, you can bang that out.
Don't get me wrong, the thought, here's the thing.
I would say, you wouldn't be human
if you all of a sudden were facing 20 years in prison,
and you didn't think like, maybe it's time to check out.
Yeah, man.
You know what I mean?
I don't know if I want to do 20 years in prison.
All right, right now, you're like, 20 years isn't that long.
And you're in there, you're like, day 1,197, oh my God.
So-
And that's not three years in.
Yeah, that's three years in.
That's what I'm saying.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
So I think you got to get over that first.
And then after that, unfortunately, so for instance,
JJ and I would have to join the Brotherhood.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
You're already a skinhead.
I'm not, yeah.
I don't know if I would.
But the thing is, I mean, there might be other options.
I don't know.
I mean, I know for 20 years,
I don't think you could be a free agent.
I mean, you're gonna have to affiliate.
You're gonna have to affiliate.
But I would go in and be like,
is this like a fraternity thing?
Are we gonna rush?
Or like, wow, how are we gonna figure out
where I'm gonna land, fellas?
Yeah.
So you would join a gang.
I mean, if you're in there for 20 years for survival,
if your key is on survival, I'm thinking,
now here's the thing.
We are all, none of us have been to prison.
Nope.
I've been in jail before,
but I've never been in prison.
So we don't know prison.
So I mean, I know it's no fucking picnic,
but we can't just assume immediately
you're going in there and getting fucked in the mouth.
Things are really bad.
I'm gonna have to say,
there could be federal penitentiaries
or state-run facilities that,
even though it's maximum security,
that you might be able to be okay.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
But there's definitely some,
breathe a Pelican Bay, like that it's gonna be bad.
You're gonna have to do something.
The question is, if you went for a nonviolent crime,
say you, for, okay, perfect example,
vehicular manslaughter.
Say you killed somebody in an aggravated DUI case
or something like that,
and you got 10 to 15 years here in prison.
It's 10 to 15 years and you join a gang
and the first thing that was like,
okay, you gotta kill somebody.
We need you to kill this person in this other gang.
It's like, what do you do?
Now, I mean, obviously you're not a murderer.
You have killed somebody because it was the DUI situation,
but that was a fucking accident.
You didn't mean to do that.
But now you have to literally kill somebody.
So it's like, would you do it?
100% I would.
But what I would do, I'm telling you,
instantly I would become Muslim the first day.
I'd be like, look, guys.
You're gonna walk in there and be like, Oscar, my bacon, dog.
Oscar, my bacon, you too.
I'd be like, do not bring that swine around me.
I would get mad about it.
Yeah, I would instantly become a Muslim.
Oh, as that dom come out, we'd be like,
damn, we ain't seen you in 20 years.
He'd be like, well, I like him so long.
Yeah.
My brother.
Hell yeah.
And that's why they kept a boot on our neck.
We'd be like, damn, dom.
We just had Arby's, dude, chill out.
That's where he would wanna go when he got out.
Yeah, Arby's style.
Take me to Arby's, brother.
That's 100% beefing.
Hell yeah, man.
Does Arby's still have the meats?
No, they don't.
They went bankrupt.
I mean, would you kill somebody?
Probably, I mean, I would try my best to avoid it.
But if he'd be, I'd make sure.
I thought you were gonna say, I would try my best.
Just kidding.
You wouldn't kill somebody?
I would.
I would do my best for you.
I would do the best I can.
I would hope that my cellmate would be like,
like in one of those TV shows, like Reacher,
where he ends up just like being cool
and beating everybody up.
Like, that's my friend.
So yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay.
It's not gonna be me.
I might have to rely on him.
Yeah, but then that person gets shifted
to a different block or whatever.
And I'm just still there?
Yeah, you're just still there.
Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah.
See, I would figure, so you,
I don't think you like to kill anybody, like,
in a confrontation. I don't like being told
what to do.
If I can kill somebody before somebody asks me to,
then I would.
I see.
So you wanna come in there and make your mark?
You wanna come in there and make your mark?
Here's the funny thing.
I think if I went to prison and I was like,
you know what, I found out I gotta kill somebody immediately
because I'm in here for the long haul.
And I kill somebody, they'd be like,
man, we're chill around here.
That's like, why the fuck did you do that?
Why did you do that?
That was not cool.
Why did you kill Terry?
Everybody loved Terry.
He doing charity and shit.
Everybody loved Terry, dude.
Terry was the best.
He made the best dip.
Oh, you're like, oh, fuck.
And they just don't even violently react.
I read the situation all wrong.
This is why you shouldn't watch Oz on HBO, dude.
This is why.
What did you say?
They don't even violently react.
They just don't fuck with you for 20 years, man.
Nobody's talking to you for 20 years.
You're just alone.
No, don't talk to that, dude.
So you just brought up Oz.
Have any of you two seen Oz?
Just a few scenes.
When I was young, yeah.
You've seen a few scenes of Oz?
A few scenes.
When I was younger.
What?
Yeah, when I was young as a kid, I'd watch it on TV.
You should not have been watching it.
And then I would see people watch it, yeah.
Thank you.
I remember there was one where they were talking
about diet sodas and stuff,
and now I always drink regular soda
because he said that diet soda is worse.
He's talking about Dr. Oz.
Oh.
What Oz are you talking about?
Oh my.
I just clocked that.
No way.
Oz is about the prison rape.
Shatter Dr. Oz.
Oh my God.
Oz is about prison rape.
The diet sodas, though.
Oh my God.
That's what's bad for you.
He eats 14 cheesecakes a week.
He's like, the diet sodas.
I can't believe that's a good thing.
No, I can't believe it either
because at first I was trying to think of the scene in Oz
where they were like, diet soda is worse for you
than regular soda.
I gotta have you make something.
Now watch me fuck this dude.
Man.
Oh no.
You gotta watch.
Look, Oz is a show about prison, right?
And it's actually really, really good,
but it's a thing in there.
It is a worst case scenario prison show.
Oh, okay.
It's a worst case scenario prison show.
But you know, it'd be like me and you talking, right?
That's a scene.
And it's been like 10 minutes of me and you talking,
going in, you're all into it.
And then it will immediately cut with no transition
to a guy getting fucked in the ass.
And it almost doesn't pertain to the story.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
It was just like, okay,
why did you have to do it so abruptly right there?
Oz is a good example of the guy put in there
that was in for white-collar crimes
that got turned into the most insane person in the entire
time.
That is, that's the thing.
It's all about the crime.
Because more than likely for me,
if I got arrested now,
it would probably be for some white-collar type shit.
So I'm probably gonna go to a minimum security prison.
I'm gonna go there.
And in that case, I don't think you gotta kill anybody
while you play tennis or something.
You just run up and beat somebody to death
with your tennis racket,
but I gotta show I'm the hardest.
No.
Whenever I was in jail,
the people who were like in and out,
and they were like wanting to go to the minimum security
prison and not be in jail.
So they would plead out guilty
because they're like,
dude, the food's way better.
You get to go outside.
You get to smoke cigarettes.
And they would just rather do that
than stay in a county and fight this case.
Man, there's, you know there's a prison not far from here.
Really?
Yeah, there's a prison outside Athens.
Limestone County.
Limestone County Correctional.
And that is basically a state run prison.
Okay.
So that is, I would say it's a,
it's not a maximum security,
but it's damn close.
It's not a country club prison,
but it's not a maximum security facility.
But I would, when I worked for Xerox,
I would go there to work on copiers and stuff like that.
And I would go through and I'd have to do,
they'd have to go through my tools,
because I had to bring in a toolbox and I'd always,
you know, like very intense because I was bringing things
in that could be used as weapons.
Which always made me laugh
because I'd go through this intense process to get in there.
And as soon as I get in there, they'd be like,
all right, you're gonna go through the yard
and the copier's over there.
And you're like, okay.
And then literally with no escort,
they would just send me walking
and I would have to walk when it was like yard time
for these prisoners.
And I'm walking with a toolbox
and they're just looking at me like,
look at this motherfucker.
I'm here to fix the copier.
No, it was not Brie 9-11.
It was fucking weird.
And like I could hear him saying,
she's like, look at this motherfucker.
You know, she's like, oh man, I'm just here to fix.
Man, I'm trying to make copies of your parole shit though.
Don't hurt me.
And that is the place where it's like,
there were murderers and drug dealers, rapists.
That's the level of people that are in there.
And it is definitely,
I mean, again, it's a full on prison.
And I will say it definitely wasn't like
what you see in the movies.
Like being in there, it was way more loose.
I'm sure when you get to like a federal level
or these big ass prisons, it's a lot different.
But I will say that was way more.
That was also not like, those are,
it's like doors with windows.
Like, you know, you're in a room.
You're not in a, it's a cell,
but it's not bars and shit.
You're like reaching out through the bars and shit like that.
It's like once that door closes, you're like,
you're in that fucking thing.
It's fucking sealed.
There's, you know, it's much different.
Your toilet is connected to your sink, right?
And then, but you cannot shit in the toilet.
In your room.
You can't do it.
That's a problem.
Because if you shit in your toilet,
your roommate smells your shit when you're shitting there.
You shit whenever you got open daytime.
It's horrible.
Okay, what he is saying is you can.
You can.
It's just frownable.
Yeah, very frownable.
And you gotta shit down.
It's just frownable.
And then you, cause you'll take that
and you'll pump all the water out of it.
And then that's how you keep your food cold
and shit like that.
So you eat and you'll like make hooch in the toilet.
Toilet worms.
So you, if you shit in the toilet in the room,
they getting that ass.
I had to do it.
Shit.
I had to do it.
I was bigger than the guy.
But it was like, you know, when you're sleeping,
and I sleep on my side.
And when I sleep on my side, when I eat,
it pushes all of there.
So I usually have to take a shit in the middle of the night.
And then I did.
And he was like, bro.
And I didn't know it.
I didn't know it at this time.
He's like, bro, you up here taking a shit?
I was like, I put the sheet up so you couldn't see.
You know what I'm saying?
And he was like, no, you don't take a shit in here.
Well, he didn't get mad and that.
Plus I would've whooped his ass.
But then that's when I learned
you can't take a shit in there.
You have to take a shit outside.
So you gotta hold it, Brandon.
That's gonna be hard.
That's gonna be hard?
That's gonna be one of the hardest challenges.
It's not gonna do good for your anal leakage.
I think shitting in your cell is probably low
on the priority list when you go to prison
or what you gotta worry about.
I've got bigger fish to fry than where I'm gonna shit.
I'm more concerned about things coming in
than things coming in.
No, shitting is most important.
You have to shit.
You do?
Well, of course you have to shit.
You have to shit.
I understand that.
The point is I think I can,
the body is an amazing machine.
So you will get on that thing where you're like
when you're in your cell, you won't have to shit.
You might, see you were in there, it wasn't long enough.
You hadn't acclimated yet, so you had to shit.
And that's fine.
But on 20 years, you're gonna be like,
all right, when I go to bed,
I'm not gonna have to wake up and shit
because it's the same thing.
I mean, everybody, if you're on a road trip sometimes,
have you ever noticed you piss less
because you're just pushing through?
You know what I mean?
Your body knows what you need to do.
So that's like the prison mode.
I mean, we used to joke around all the time.
Like if I'm going to a music festival,
I'm like, I'm on prison mode today
because I don't wanna shit.
I ain't shitting at this music festival
because then I gotta shit in this porta potty.
And there's,
shitting in a porta potty on a hot day
is a top 10 worst experience that you can have.
I concur.
Yeah, dude.
Nobody wants to shit in a hot porta potty.
Yeah, that's not good.
Which I mean, that's a weird comparison
to shitting in your jail cell.
But I would probably say,
I don't wanna do any of those things.
Me neither.
Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good.
Hopefully I never had to do that.
I'd be really good at it though, honestly.
Shitting in a...
I'm talking about,
now that I think about it, I'd be good at holding them
because I could do that shit if I had to.
Especially when I do cash and everything.
Like shit, tell you a little secret.
I gotta pee now, but guess what?
I'm a really good holder.
Yeah.
You tell the people that whenever you're checking them out?
No, no.
What I'll do is I'll turn off my light and be like,
yo, I gotta go.
Like I warn people too sometimes.
I'm like, I'm sorry.
I'm on the clock, but my ass doesn't give a fuck.
I gotta go, I'm sorry, man.
And this is a customer's like, man, I just asked you to do it.
No, no, no, no, not the customers.
I didn't ask you none of that shit.
Customers don't know that.
No, man, I'm telling customers.
I didn't ask you, why were you telling me this?
Nah, nah, I tell a worker or something.
So, man, I'm cool.
And they're like, Brandon, we're on break.
Why are you telling them?
They understand.
Don't tell me that.
Brandon, I went to Publix and then I rounded up.
Right?
Hey, she had a problem.
Of course.
It wasn't easy.
I wanted to see how it went.
And she, she for real had a problem doing it.
Wait a minute.
To make a certain kind of change?
Yeah.
And it broke their brain?
Yeah, well, they asked if you want to donate to whatever.
And I was like, yeah, round up.
And then she was like, okay.
And it took her a little bit.
Yes, because like, you gotta realize,
it's like everybody coming at the same time.
You countin' cash.
When you round up, they have to put in...
No, we have to think of it on our heads
or if we don't think about it in our heads,
well, what I do is I get a calculator
and I just do 100 minus whatever.
And then I'll just add up.
Like if you say round it up,
like if you got 36 bucks, round up to 40.
Why are computers not doing this?
I know you would think they would,
but no, we have to do it.
He's right, they don't do that.
We all have to do it manually.
And they have to scan something.
Or put in the code.
I put in the code.
What I was talking about is whenever I go somewhere
and they're like, okay, the total is 14.38.
And I look and I'm like, I got three pennies.
I don't want any more pennies.
I'm gonna give them 15.03.
Because in that case, they're gonna give me back
how much real quick?
Is it 65 cents?
Is it gonna be two quarters of diamond and nickel?
And I'll do that and I'll give them 15.03.
It'll be 14.38 and they'll be like,
it's 14.38.
I know I gave you more than that.
They're like, I don't...
But it's an odd number to give 15.03.
They're like, what do you want?
But here's the thing.
I think it's a generational thing.
My generation, we all know that.
It's like you want to have as little change as possible.
I don't wanna be carrying around a bunch of fucking pennies.
But I can get to the point where I'm getting 50 cents back
by throwing in a nickel or something like that.
I'm gonna give you that so I can get
that specific thing back.
And it's like now these young people,
I'm talking like I had one girl,
the same situation I gave her 200.
She was like, I'm gonna have to get my manager.
I was like, why?
I was like, why do you have to give me back this?
And she was like, I don't get it.
And I was like...
You're tricky.
Yeah, I was like, what is,
I don't understand what's happening.
So it's like, yeah, the...
Cause the thing is, is like cash is dying.
I mean, it's like everybody is swiping.
So it's like, I've literally had people look at me
like an inconvenience then when I tried to give them cash.
It is.
And I'm not, I don't carry a lot of cash,
but for some reason being at a cashless venue
is when I have cash and these motherfuckers won't take it.
And it makes me angry.
That is money don't spend.
JJ, what's the conspiracy theory
of why they don't want us to use cash anymore?
I know you know it.
Well, I mean, there's multiple dude.
The big one that I've been hearing a lot is that
just because money is like,
it's crazy to think that the exact amount
and like the number displayed
in someone's bank account electronically,
the currency, obviously the amount of bills
does not match what that is.
Like it's no way it's like a one to one zero error thing.
So if everything's electronic,
it's a lot easier to just make up more money.
That makes a lot of sense.
Rather than to print actual physical currency.
So what you're saying is like, it's just numbers.
There's not physical currency to back this up.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I mean, well, yeah, of course.
Like that's a bank to bank like thing.
So it's like, you could go to your bank one day
and say you had $60,000 savings.
If you went to your bank, you're like,
I want that 60K in cash.
They're gonna laugh you out of the bill.
They're gonna be like, first off, that's insane.
Why?
Do you need to call the FBI?
Did somebody get kidnapped?
And you're gonna be like, it's my money.
I want it.
And they'll be like,
I don't know if we have 60K in the fucking bank.
Yeah, for sure.
In the fucking bank.
Because they're just betting on you not doing that.
You know, it's like,
so anytime you go and do something like that,
you're not gonna get cash.
They're gonna give you a cashier's check, right?
A cashier's check is as good as cash, right?
Cashier's check is maybe not even made out to anybody.
It's just literally made out of cash.
You carry that into any bank or anywhere in the world
and they'll honor it as money.
You just take that to another bank
and then it never turns into paper.
It goes literally into another or whatever it is.
So it's like, I mean, you're right to a certain degree,
but at the same time, it's not,
I don't know if they're propping the numbers up as much
on a local level as they are with the government.
I mean, the government's definitely been like,
just add a zero to that shit, dog.
Oh yeah.
And they don't have to worry about it.
Perhaps some money, too.
But yeah, with our money, it's like,
unless you get into that crazy level where you go in
and you wanna cash it out, technically it is there.
I'm just saying overall, electronically,
if you were to add up all of the money
in bank accounts and stuff,
it would equal more than the actual existence of physical.
Oh, you mean like in America or the world?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
And then also, just paying cash,
you can't really track as easily.
If you pay electronically for everything,
they can track.
I mean, I think that's the point.
That's what some people want.
That's what they want.
Is to not be on the radar.
Shut up, Bitcoin.
So, oh, that's what I was about to say.
These goddamn meme coins, terrible idea to this.
I will say this, being for real, disclaimer, don't do it.
But if you do, dude, the Trump coin blew up
and Melania, she had a coin.
And my boss was on whatever the site was.
And the site crashed whenever it went live for five cents.
And he was like, just happened to be on there
and it went live.
He tried to buy, he couldn't buy.
Within three hours, it was at $15.
From what, five cents?
Five cents to $15.
He had $300 in his account.
He was saying, he was like,
I was just gonna put it all on there
because it was what's hot at the time.
And you pull it out, do it,
and you make all that fucking profit.
But it's so damn, you will,
but if you do it big time,
people throw their life savings in there,
you will lose it all.
Well, you'll lose it all, but you'll also find
it's not as bing bang boom as people think.
If you have $300 in your account,
it's a nickel and it shoots up to 15.
And all of a sudden now you're like,
I'm cashing all that, I'm selling right now.
Well, here's the thing,
you might not be able to sell it all right now
because now it's at 15.
People might not be buying it at 15.
Now you're sitting on it at 15
and you're like, oh, well, I'll just sell it all.
And you're like, oh, why aren't people buying it?
It's because it's capped.
You know what I mean?
It's like crashes.
It's like crashes, whatever it is.
And then you're sitting there and you,
worst case scenario, it's a rug pull
where all of a sudden it fucking bottoms out.
And then you're like, oh my,
with $300 you're like, oh, I got fucked out of $300.
But some people were like, I got fucked out of 15,000.
Or whatever else.
So it's like, all that shit is,
it's not as easy, that's the thing,
with these mass quantities, it's not as easy to move,
especially these meme coins or smaller coins.
Bitcoin, you can just move Bitcoin
because people want Bitcoin.
It's easy to move.
And it's a finite amount.
Exactly.
But it's like some of these meme coins,
it's like all of a sudden you're like,
I'm rich, I came up on it.
You still have to sell it.
And you still have to receive the money from that.
And now with, I mean, after capital gains tax
and everything else that's going on,
it's like, you're gonna make money.
But this isn't like, it's not a get rich quick scheme.
But they bill it, but people believe it.
That's what they bill it as.
It's billed as a get rich quick scheme.
Stable coin is where you wanna go.
Yeah, you just can't.
This dude watched one YouTube video.
Dom just fucking says stable coin.
I did this before, like years ago when I lived in a...
Like Tether or, you know.
XRP.
Yeah.
Yeah, back when I was doing it, it was a goddamn,
Ethereum, Bitcoin, and it was another one.
Oh yeah, Solana?
No.
That's a shame.
USDT.
No, that wasn't it either.
It was another one though.
Yeah.
And then what happens when the company
just removes the buy and sell button?
Which I know it wasn't crypto.
You're talking about, oh, you mean like through...
Well, so that's stocks, that's not Bitcoin.
Yeah, it's not crypto, but like they remove the buy and sell.
Well, with crypto, Voyager fucked a lot of people.
So it was like Voyager all of a sudden just ceased,
they went bankrupt, they ceased operations,
and then they gave people Windows to pull their coin out.
And of course some people is like,
Voyager was billed as this app that's easy.
You go in there and you do this,
it's your wallet, it holds the whole thing,
and then all of a sudden it's like,
you're telling people, hey, pull this out.
Now you need to pull it in this.
Now you put it in this, switch to another site.
And people are like, what?
So if you didn't pull it out by a certain date,
Voyager was like, oh, well, we're only gonna pay you
a percentage of what you had in there.
So if you, it reached a certain date where it became,
Voyager was locked.
You couldn't trade it, you couldn't do anything,
you just had, you could pull it out.
And then the people who didn't pull it out,
you literally got a check for like 60%
of what you were holding in there.
So it's like, and that money that was left over
went to the creditors that were buying them
out of fucking bankruptcy.
So it's like, it's not a fucking, yeah.
It's the best way to do crypto,
but the thing is it takes the most knowledge,
is like, you wanna put that shit in like a cold wallet.
Like you wanna get out of these companies
that are like, we'll do it for you,
because those are the people that go bankrupt.
They can go fucking belly up and fuck with your money
if it's sitting in there.
So it's like, yeah, that's why people who,
like the miners and the people who are super into it,
they're buying it and putting it in a fucking,
look at this hard drive.
This hard drive's got all my money on it.
That dude that Trump just pardoned,
I don't know who the fuck he is, but it was a big deal.
He just pardoned, go look up Trump pardoned.
He just pardoned Sam Bateman for you.
That'd be crazy.
No, not him, but I like him.
But this guy, I don't know, put Trump pardoned.
Silk Road?
He killed himself.
Did he?
It's something, but they said he has like
a thousand Bitcoin in a cold wallet that the,
because he's been in prison for 10 years.
Oh, but he had a bunch of Bitcoin.
But he had a thousand, like he had a whole bunch of Bitcoin
and now he's getting out.
You can just see him smiling when he's getting out.
This guy.
Yeah, that guy, that guy.
Damn.
You look- Silk Road founder Ross Ulbricht.
Oh, I thought he killed himself.
No, no, but he's alive as shit.
And he's out.
I think it was somebody affiliated with Silk Road.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
And then Zach Stone right there.
There's a guy in the UK that accidentally
threw away a hard drive with $750 million in Bitcoin on it.
And he knows it's in this landfill.
But they will not let him go on the landfill
to try to retrieve the hard drive.
He might need to hire a bunch of massage.
He sued.
He sued, he appealed, the whole nine yards.
And the fucking Supreme Court over there came back
and was like, technically we own it.
Because it's in our landfill, and that's ours.
But you're never gonna find it.
Well, here's the thing.
The guy apparently had an entire presentation set up
where the thing is with all that Bitcoin,
the guy had other money.
He was spending money to, he had these,
basically he invented a machine that would pick
through trash and identify hard drives,
coupled with people.
So he was literally being like, it's $750 million.
You're gonna be like, I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I can
to find it.
They were just like, they won't even let him
on the property.
They won't even let him in the fucking landfill.
They're like, it's ours.
So it's like, you know that motherfucker's sneaking on
at night just digging through trash.
Maybe one day I'll just be like, ah!
My like, I'd find the hard drive, go home,
and it'd just be like kid porn.
Be like, God damn it!
Oh no!
Son of a bitch!
And they're knocking the door, we got you!
Be like, ah!
Just dancing there.
Damn that jerk from some way!
Yeah man.
Put the sub up his ass or something.
What the fuck?
What are you talking about man?
Hey, it's a weird dude.
That was out of left field though.
It's a weird dude.
That's not what he got.
I love how you think Jared was fucking with kids
and he was like, yo, eat this Italian meatball.
I'm out of here.
Eat this Italian meatball.
I got a dude about on my tank, eat it up!
I think I lost all his weight.
Oh God.
Bleep this out, but do you think Jared?
No!
Oh my God.
We're leaving that in now.
Sadly he was.
It might be funnier if you bleep the joke
and just have our reaction.
Yeah, come on.
He could be like, oh my God, what did he say?
What did he say?
Sadly he was.
Oh, see what?
Ooh.
So, I will, my wife watched it.
My wife watched it and I saw bits and pieces of it.
There is a new documentary about Jared from Subway.
Oh, what's that?
And he was part of a whole,
he was part of a ring of child pornography
and all this shit.
And they have, the way he got busted,
it was like a sting.
And they have all these phone conversations
and he was saying some of the,
I'm talking this was high level, fucked up,
crazy, crazy shit.
It wasn't just when he got arrested,
everybody was like, oh,
he's in a hard drive full of child porn.
No, it was like he was running kids
and all that shit.
I heard it in my eyes.
It was a full on, it's gross.
Yeah, the catching a monster.
It's fucking gross.
He got caught because he was at a media event
with this news reporter, this woman.
And right before they went live,
he just turned to her and he was like,
don't you think these kids are so fucking hot?
Like said it to her.
And then she heard it and then they went live
and she had to pretend like everything was cool.
And they got that footage?
No, but she spent a lot of time trying to catch him
and get damning evidence against him.
And eventually.
I think that's part of this documentary.
It got to a point where he was like.
Do they have that footage whenever he,
like her reaction?
I don't know, I didn't watch the doc.
I just heard, but he was going to Thailand to fuck kids.
Jesus Christ.
Oh yeah, he was a lot.
Shoot him in the head like,
if I'm Jared, I'm like, look at these kids,
aren't they fucking hot?
She's like, what'd you say?
I'd be like, look at these kids, they should be shot.
I'd rather be a school shooter than that.
I'd rather be busted.
Honestly, for that, she'd only be like, that's fucked up.
He'd be like, oh yeah.
He used the term slamming.
Slamming?
He used the term slamming.
He's like, I go to Thailand and I slam kids.
Slamming?
No, man.
Oh my God.
That's what he was saying.
I don't mean to laugh at that,
but that's fucking hilarious.
He was an animal.
He's a Def Jam comic?
No, this motherfucker's in jail forever.
No, I don't think it's forever.
I think he got 30 or 40 years.
That's not long enough for this.
What?
It's long enough for, dude, do you,
nobody, he is not in prison.
And people are like, Jared loved your commercials.
He's not a popular fucking guy.
You think he liked kids before he was?
Look up where he went to prison.
Without a doubt.
Look up where Jared from Subway is in prison
and his sentence.
Let's find out.
Lonsone County, crazy.
Yeah.
I saw him there.
He was the one like, look at this motherfucker.
Look, 15 years.
15 years, that's fucked up.
Where is he?
He's fucking clear.
Let's search out what prison is Jared at.
Yeah, where is he?
With the whoopie's ass.
It's probably in this article.
Dude, he got only five years more than my boy
for first offense.
No, all he did was sell drugs.
And he only got five years more than he fucking, he was.
I bet you that 15 years right there is,
if, and again, I'm just speculating,
probably be like, he probably gave up some people
and that's probably a plea and things.
Because again, it wasn't just him.
It was a whole fucking,
to use the very popular right-wing word, a cabal.
Oh my God.
A cabal.
I love how that word is back all the time.
It's when somebody started selling pizza.
What?
Let's just call him a gang, dog.
I don't wanna, that's what I'm gonna say.
The Huntsville comedy cabal.
It's when somebody started selling pizza, dude.
That's when it happened.
I think Jared's friends is listening to this
because I can't move the screen.
Yeah, you better get out that.
Brandon, he's attacking him.
All right, this is the end of the episode.
I do wanna do one thing before we get off of us.
Can we accomplish anything?
Yes, a lot, man.
It was great.
It was a lot.
It was a good time.
It was a lot.
Scott, will you just go ahead
and rank all the comics real quick
and then we'll leave on that?
Oof.
I don't think y'all want that.
I'm just fucking with you.
I don't think, I mean, obviously number one is Dante.
Yeah!
Oh yeah.
Shout out Dante.
Shout out.
You know what?
I wonder where he goes at night.
Me too, man.
I saw him driving.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
We should follow him.
That's crazy he can do that.
That he can drive and save.
Oh dude, he drove me once.
Really?
Yeah, we went to, I forgot where we went.
I think it was like somewhere to eat
because of me and somebody in the back seat.
Who was that?
I forgot it was somebody at A&M.
I forgot who.
Oh. Yeah.
And we were all in the class together.
I mean, I would just like to see him
live in his every, his day to day.
Me too.
You know what I mean?
His day to day.
We used to be able to.
We've all seen him do some wild shit.
Yeah.
Shout out to Dante.
Is it?
But just like, just to be, I say this with love,
just to be Dante for a day.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh, to be him?
Yes.
But what if you saw a dog?
Saw a dog?
You'd be terrified if you were Dante.
Dude, he's so full.
Yeah, no, I've heard.
I have heard that.
And you know what?
I guess that's just part of being Dante.
You gotta deal with that.
You start crying.
You gotta deal with the dogs, dude.
You gotta deal with them pups.
You know, probably a small, you know what?
I just, this motherfucker's happy.
You know?
Oh yeah.
That's the thing that I envy.
I guarantee he is just, he's just happy.
And yeah, that's.
One day we'll all be like Dante.
Yeah, man, he can't beat that with a stick, you know?
Yeah, just to be.
Don't know.
Be happy.
Man, he is living carefree, fancy free out here.
One day we'll all be gay.
I mean, I.
Hold on.
Oh, oh, oh, okay.
I didn't say that.
Gay is happy, man.
Gay means happy.
Gay is happy.
I just listened to.
Mr. 1954.
What the fuck?
Thank you, man.
I just listened to the old episode.
You said you're number one queer.
What?
You said you're top queer, I'm sorry.
You did say you're top queer.
I did, because I didn't know what it fully mean.
I don't know what it mean.
No, we did.
We said it.
What does it mean?
What did you say it meant?
Weird or different.
Weird or different, see, when you said weird or different.
Queer means different.
Wait, what does it fully mean?
Can you please tell me?
Like, what does it mean?
I mean, I would probably.
You know what?
You know what, if you Google it,
I would probably say the Webster's definition
is more than likely probably like strange, off-kilter, weird,
but the connotation is definitely sexuality.
It is taken on that.
So it's like, in 2025, if you can't be out in public
and see a weird dude, be like,
look at that queer guy over there.
I don't think you.
I take it back.
I'm gonna know, you already said you're top queer.
You said we're all gonna be gay.
It's lost that.
Happy, happy.
Yeah, just say happy.
Yeah, okay, well, I was gonna say happy.
My bad.
Just say happy.
All right, we'll be happy then.
We're gonna be happy.
Yes, we are gonna be happy one day.
And you're gonna be happy with who?
My wife.
Yeah.
And my life.
Okay.
Freestyle.
Hell yeah.
Freestyle and close out.
Yeah, but I learned to be happy with myself.
All right, think of a freestyle to close out.
You gotta.
Tell me like a rap?
Yeah, well, just think about it right now.
You got anything to promote?
You got anything coming up?
This'll be out on Monday.
This coming Monday?
Mm-hmm.
Let's see here.
February 13th and 14th,
they'll be in Fort Walton Beach, Florida
as part of the Sand Up Comedy Festival,
sponsored by The Laughing Skull.
I will be in Cumming, Georgia
with my band, The Beastie Boys,
on February 15th, playing a show there.
I cannot remember the name of the place,
but you can visit beastieboys.com,
beastiegoys.com,
and you can visit scotteason.com for my other dates.
I'm all over the place.
I'll be in Austin, Texas, April 11th through the 13th.
I will be in Oxford, Mississippi
on February 7th.
I'm all over the place,
so check out scotteason.com and beastiegoys,
G-O-Y-S.com for more information on the band.
Hell yeah, Brandon, check us out.
All right, anybody know how to do a beat
or do I need to do a beat?
I got you.
Come on, JJ.
Come on.
We both wanna do it.
Give me the pen, too.
I'll start because I used to be that guy.
Boom, boom, boom.
Yeah.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Yeah, yeah, all right.
So then I was pissing
while I'm over here dissing.
Boom, boom, boom.
Because I gotta go pee.
One more time.
I gotta go pee.
Boom, boom.
Yeah.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Hey.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Hey.
Hey, eating ass in the Ferris wheel
because my name is motherfucking Till.
This nigga tried to go and steal.
He tried to go keep it real.
Then he fucked him in the hand with the drill.
Okay.
And I told him, hey, that's not cool, man.
That's not cool.
No, no, you need to stay in school
because you come over here and you wanna go drool.
Hey, so I got my knife.
I stabbed him in the butt.
I told him, don't do that shit.
That ain't even funny.
Honey?
Bunny?
You're fucking furry?
I thought we were gonna go an episode
without furries being brought up.
Hey, good.
Hell yeah.
That's a way to close it out.
Thanks, Brandon.
That's it.
I'm out.
Did it up, man.
I ain't gonna lie to you.
I might get in trouble for saying this shit,
but that's my point.
I don't know what the fuck
Diddy has been charged with, honestly.
Because all they gotta told me
that this nigga got a bunch of freak ass video.
He light dick and he flying out women.
I mean, that's a casting video.
I ain't gonna lie.
That's fucked up.
But you know, I love women who got their ass beat
way more worse.
You gotta bleep that part out.
I ain't gonna lie to you.
Cause that girl gonna kick my ass when she see this video.
Well, yeah, man.
I just don't see it.
Like it's a Rico.
I'm like during the Rico,
I be saying like five, 10, 15 niggas.
Diddy's the only nigga in the Rico charge?
How much power does this nigga got?
And God damn, and y'all bullshitting.
Y'all think the LA Five was about some shit.
Hell, somebody was trying not to get told on.
I'm telling you.
But I think I do know one celebrity
that was in that God damn video.
I'm not gonna say the nigga name
cause I do like his movies.
I don't want the nigga to get canceled just yet.
All I know is, I'm gonna give you one hint, radio.
You know what?
Radio, God damn it.
But yeah, Diddy, I don't know, man.
He may beat the charge.
He may not beat the charge.
I don't know.
I feel like if he just throwed up some bread
they'll let him out.
This is what it's all about, money.
It's all about money.
Shit.
I ain't saying free Diddy, but what that nigga do?
What did he do?
I fucking hate Scrappy dude.