This week on Clown College.
I'm talking about real bullies who hit you in the face.
You have to worry about getting on the school bus because you're scared.
That's what we need back in schools right now.
I bet that cyber bullying would stop.
I bet it would stop in school as soon as you, oh, you did this or whatever and you get smacked
out of it.
You're like, maybe I should shut the fuck up.
Maybe I shouldn't put this person's business out there on the interwebs.
Amen.
Right?
Amen.
Because you got bullied.
Yes, I did.
Look at me.
I'm a fucking beast now.
Welcome to Clown College.
We have profound knowledge.
In many ways to elevate and make yourself polished.
So if you want to hear a little honest, a few takes on our ways to make it as a comic.
Stick around for a while to be down to clown.
We got the guests right now just to show you how.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Conn, and JJ.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Conn, and JJ.
She works with...
That just has to be every day.
Yeah.
She works with...
Yeah.
Special Ed?
Is that what we're...
Right.
Kids with disabilities.
Yeah.
Well...
My best friend's son has autism and we vibe.
And I'm plugged from the wall.
Make sure it's plugged in tightly to the wall.
Yeah.
Just a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, we're good.
Just a little bit.
JJ.
Yes.
We got a special guest today.
Yes, we do.
We do.
And I was thinking about this, and this is very unfortunate.
It took us...
What is it, 63?
I guess.
It took us 63 weeks to get a black woman on the show.
Oh, wow.
We did it.
We finally did it, dude.
And since you're dressed up, what are we doing for?
Martin Luther King Day, man.
Hell yeah.
Terrible.
I cheated on my wife and smoked some Paul Maul's before I got here.
Just an honor, dude.
Just an honor.
And I ate some greens.
That was for you, Martin.
But yeah, we have a very special guest today.
She's funny, man.
She's hilarious.
She tells the comedy jokes, and sometimes they're real clean, they're real normal, and
then she just throws some wild shit in.
And I feel it in my chest.
We got Nikki Johnson on the show today.
Nikki!
Hi!
Hello.
How you doing?
I'm good.
You good?
Yeah, I'm super accuracy.
Oh, I know.
We about to get right into it.
I remember Nikki is a graduate of Kimberly Wilson's stand-up class, right?
I am, yeah.
And you start coming around and you won like eight times at the competition.
I think I won four.
That's it?
Maybe three.
Three.
I think I won three times.
How many times you win, JJ?
None.
Zero.
How many times you regret it?
Just once.
And I won one.
So we got a four time.
No, three.
I think it's three.
It's still a lot.
But I used to love how we used to be out there talking in the front and Nikki would just
come over there and she'd be like, she'd be sitting there like, hey, and she'd be like
this, and then walk away.
Because I don't know what's up.
I'm just like, hello.
I feel it.
It's hard.
I feel like back when I was going out to the open mics, I would talk to you guys and then
I'd see Nikki and I try to say hi to be nice, but then I'm like, oh, she's normal, dude.
What am I supposed to say?
I'm not really normal.
Normal presenting.
Masking.
ADD.
Yes.
Respect.
Nikki's been smashing on a couple of, I'm talking about a stand up.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Because ironically, you know.
But she's been killing, right?
Open shows, went to an open mic, Jonathan wanted us to come, he was like, bring your
s***.
She got there a little late, which isn't a problem.
She got there and then I guess she was just still feeling late when he called her name
to come up.
An Olympic speed walker wouldn't have had s*** on her the way she got up to that stage.
I was like, why is she walking so fast?
Because I didn't want to hold people up.
I was like, dang.
The person before me, they had already said that he was the last person.
And so when I came late and it was like, oh dang, they thought this was the last person
and now I'm this extra person showing up.
I don't want to hold these people up so I need to hurry up and get up there real quick.
He was gone.
But I already walked fast.
Most of the time I try to play it cool when I walk on stage and just try to seem like
I'm not so awkward.
That's what your thing is though.
It's like, well I don't know, on stage you're not really awkward.
No.
It's just regular life.
Yes.
It is not everyday life.
It's like, who do people try to talk to me after my set?
And I'm like, hello.
But yeah, you got, see on that one, that was a hard room and you got them.
You killed, I think you and Charles did the best.
And they were like, afterwards they came up to me, oh my God, you were so funny.
See, everybody don't get that.
No.
Ask JJ.
I get things just like looks, you know.
And they say a lot of words that I don't enjoy.
So how you been?
I'm good.
Like how have I been like personally, professionally, both?
Just whatever you took it at.
Oh Lord.
I'm tired.
I feel you.
I'm tired.
But I've been pretty good.
I'm trying not to be awkward, but I am.
No, you want, just let it out.
Yeah, let it out.
We're all awkward as hell.
Well, Brandon's speaking for himself.
Very awkward.
Negotiably awkward, mentally awkward, all of us in here.
He can't even hear or see us right now while he's talking.
Maybe.
We're awkward people.
Dom was like, now when the cameras come on, just like talk like you normally do.
And I was like, oh no, you don't know who you talking to.
I don't think you know what you in for.
So are there anything, I probably should have asked you before we started, is there anything
as off limits to talk about?
Nah.
I already have.
We can talk about that gay guy that you dated?
Oh my God.
Can we talk about it?
No.
No?
Why did y'all call him gay?
He was clearly.
He might be.
Well, Brandon would know.
And now Brandon says he was.
Well, see, I'm not, but he was.
I'm not talking about you.
He would wear sweaters that look like Brandon's.
Hey, that's cool.
Did he wear a turtleneck, too?
I don't know.
Well, because we dated during the summer.
We started dating in March and then we broke up in July.
So I don't know if I've ever, I've never seen him in a sweater.
It was like hot outside.
I plead the fifth.
What day in March?
The fifth.
Because my birthday is March 22nd.
I just wanted to know.
I don't remember.
God, man.
All right.
Well, I mean, we could change it if you would.
I saw on here that you like to go hiking.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Did y'all look up my school profile?
Did y'all look up the profile of the school profile?
We don't know where Jack gets his intel from.
We got him.
The only place that is is on the school website.
Where do you hike at?
That's crazy.
Montesano, Rainbow Mountain.
All the serial killers are on the edge of their seat right now.
I've been to, shut up.
We went to Cathedral Caverns and did a tour.
I went camping for the first time.
I think it was at Cathedral Caverns.
Is that the thing where it's under, you got to swim under?
No, you don't have to swim.
Or maybe you have to swim, but I ain't swim.
You just walk through the cave.
Oh yeah, I went in there.
I know how to swim.
Blacks know how to swim.
Must be nice.
What's the matter about swimming on there?
Oh, damn.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
My parents can't swim, though.
They can't?
Yeah, I'm first generation.
That's so weird.
That's awesome.
Cathedral Caverns is where I told a joke about a field trip.
I went to Cathedral, when we went to Cathedral Caverns in the fourth grade.
That's the only time I've ever heard somebody in the crowd say, oh no.
Was that the one that I liked?
Yeah.
So in honor of Martin Luther King Day.
Please tell them.
I'll tell the joke, dude.
I had a crush on this girl in the fourth grade, and we took a field trip to Cathedral Caverns,
and I sat next to her on the bus the whole time.
We walked together.
You go in the cave, and if you pay for one of the guided tours, you walk to the end of
the cave, and then they turn all the man-made lights out, and it's dark as hell.
And you need complete darkness.
And I was nine, and I was terrified of the dark.
And then they turned the lights out.
I was startled, and I just reactively, instinctively threw a punch, like an uppercut, and the lights
come out.
I feel it connect with something.
Shit.
And the lights turn back on, and she's on the floor, holding her stomach.
And the teacher and the tour guide are looking around, and they're like, what happened?
What happened?
And you know, just out of instinct, it's Etowah County, Alabama, and the lights were out.
It was dark.
And they turned it on a black guy.
They fell for it.
And that was the joke.
And then the punch line was, I threw him under the bus, but at least it was the front of
the bus.
And I told it at Shenanigans.
I was like, I was a month into comedy.
And I'll tell you what it was.
It was Aslan Lutz.
She was like, oh no.
Hell no.
Damn, man.
That's a good time, you know.
That's nice.
You ever went down?
No, I don't even know where these places are.
It's out, like, if you're driving, I think it's like tours.
It's either just past Scottsboro or just before you get to Scottsboro.
It's like in that direction, driving east.
And it's real nice?
It's really pretty.
They'll take you on a tour through the caves.
It's really pretty.
If you're claustrophobic, then maybe not, but you kind of walk through.
And it's a guide, so it's not dangerous to have it all pathed out.
And you get to the very, very back, towards the back of the cave.
And like I said, they turn the lights completely off, and you experience total darkness.
You can't see a thing.
Because even if it's dark outside, the stars are still out, so you can still see something.
You can't see a thing.
You can't see your hand in front of your face.
When I went, a kid started crying.
I cried.
My ass off.
I was like seven years old.
Yeah, I wouldn't take a little kid.
That's understandable back then, you know?
Well, you know, if you want to say that.
I was a kid.
Now I'd march right in there, man.
You would?
Hell yeah.
I'd revel fucking bad by his fucking neck.
I don't, man, yeah.
Okay, so Brandon, you're not scared of the dark anymore.
No, I'm not scared of the dark.
And you know what we're going to do to prove that?
What are we going to do?
We're going to go out, and you're going to camp out in the woods.
Okay, wait, hold on now.
We won't, you won't be able to see us, but we'll be around to make sure nothing happens
to you.
We'll set up night vision cameras, and we'll just see how you make it through a day.
That's a different story right there.
Camping in the woods with a tent?
Yeah, dude, we should have a tent.
Would you rather not have the tent?
In the woods?
Yeah.
With the animals?
I mean, there's probably some around, too.
We almost got attacked by a deer last week in the neighborhood, man.
I can only imagine that.
Like a buck almost whooped my ass.
What happened?
So I was in the snow, man, because it was snowing.
And I went out there, and I saw some deer, and I was like, damn, look at that.
We were just staring at the deer, and it was like a family and a buck.
And then as I was watching the buck start staring at us, I was like, oh shit, should
we leave?
And she was like, no, no, we should stay.
It's cool.
And I was like, all right.
And then when I walked, he would walk.
And then when I would stop, he would stop.
And every time I walked, I was like, okay, we got to get the fuck out of here.
He was sending a charge at me.
And I was like, I'm glad to fight this deer.
Because like, dude, if he come at you, can you take a deer?
Like I feel like if he run after you, you grab his horn and wrestle that thing, right?
Guaranteed, right, the buck.
Oh yeah, you take a buck now.
I don't want a buck.
Hell yeah.
Okay, so I would say.
You just can't let it stab you.
Everybody can't tell me.
You got to handle it.
Oh dude, please, man.
I can grab that thing.
You got to handle it now from the head.
I'm fighting for my family, man.
I got that buck.
That buck can't stand it.
Y'all whoop Elliot's ass, man.
Fuck that buck up.
Elliot.
Elliot, you remember the fucking season?
No.
See, he was a kid back then, man.
My bad, let me make it his age.
Bambi.
Bambi?
Bambi, how the fuck Bambi up?
No, no, his dad.
I mean, the motherfucker died like in the first 10 minutes.
No, it was the mom.
Yeah, the mom died.
See, the mom, rest in peace.
I don't know, the buck.
I mean, we could take a buck, man.
We could take it.
Would you rather take a buck?
No.
I jump on the buck.
You'd rather take a buck.
You would run away like Sidney from Scary Movie.
They are pretty intense, dude.
Have you ever seen the videos where they fight each other and the other one will have the
other one's head hanging off of his...
I didn't see that.
But then on the flip side of that, if you see the videos where they shed their antlers
and they fall off, they freak the fuck out.
I've seen those.
It's real.
I understand them.
They just shake them real fast.
It'd be like if your ears fell off.
Yeah, man.
I mean, that's not okay.
Would you be scared?
Well, I'd be scared.
You'd do.
My ears fell off.
Yes.
I'd be like, now I'm going to be deaf.
Yeah.
Dude, you might still be able to hear.
I like hearing, man.
Yeah.
And you can't hear without your ears.
No, you can't hear without your ears, man.
That's a fact.
That's horrible.
Peter could only halfway hear you, dude.
Shit, man.
Imagine working at a job like that, man.
What?
You can't hear?
I can't hear shit.
What would your name be if you were deaf?
Deaf?
Okay.
What would your nickname be?
My nickname?
Deaftone.
I like it.
I love it.
What?
What did he say?
Deaf-don't?
Deaftone.
Like the band?
Yeah, Deaftone.
Why does he need a nickname?
Because he's deaf.
You'd be like a super-e-mate.
You'd be pre-indicted.
You'd be like, we had a deaf-tony.
Damn.
That was just his name.
Okay.
So if you're deaf, you just get something on your name.
Damn.
I need a nickname for autism.
So we know.
Because there were two Tonys.
Okay.
Yeah.
So to distinguish, this one is Deaftone.
Yeah, because you know who Deaftone is.
Yeah.
You hear him coming.
You know, don't you laugh at that.
Because it's not funny.
The way that they, well, some of them, oh my God, have you seen deaf people arguing online?
No.
Have you ever seen this?
Amazing.
Like signing at each other?
How is it any different?
No, I'm about to do it.
Do it, do it.
Please do not offend people.
I'm doing it with you.
I'm not offending.
They can't hear.
They won't know.
Yeah, you're right.
Spotify hates deaf people.
They hate them.
But they go at it with sign language and they're doing the noises.
But they're like, you can hear some of them.
Like some of them make sounds like that of words.
And then some of them make sounds that are what they think are words because they can't
hear.
I like that.
I don't feel right laughing.
There's deaf rappers out there too.
Remember I showed you all that deaf rapper?
Oh yeah, we could look.
He copyright claimed us.
Yeah, he copyright claimed us.
But yeah, there's a deaf rapper out there.
He's pretty fine.
Somebody had to have told him.
And just like white people could sing along when they end word, we should be able to sing
along when he does his deaf sounds.
I agree.
And I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying that.
I agree.
And I do, I do.
Once a week.
That's exactly how I sounded.
That's a perfect, it was a perfect.
That was perfect.
Wasn't it perfect Brandon?
That was a verse right there.
Like, that's not bad.
That's a verse.
I swear to God.
Brandon look it up.
That's a verse.
No, we can't do it.
You can't, you can't.
Yeah, we can't.
You mean the other guy?
Yeah.
Can we do the other guy that was nicer?
Boy, it doesn't matter if we gonna copyright it.
Damn, man.
But you're a good swimmer, right?
You got something about, what's about swimming on there?
Yeah, it says right here.
I asked you that ten minutes ago Brandon.
It says right here that you might have dived or swam in high school.
No.
You did?
That's a different teacher.
We're gonna pretend that is.
Oh, shoot.
To be fair, it says you might have.
Yeah, it does say you might have.
It says you might have.
Who did this research?
We got some good stuff.
We'll tell you later.
We got some good stuff.
Shout out to that.
Reach out and milk Brandon.
Can you swim, you can swim pretty good?
I can swim.
Can you teach Brandon how to swim?
No.
You can't?
I can't.
No.
You can't?
Teaching someone how to, being able to do something and teaching someone how to do something
are two completely different skills.
So I've never taught someone to swim, so I don't know.
So I won't say no.
I don't know.
You just really have to hold his belly.
You know how you remember you as a kid, they hold your belly.
You can kick your legs and arms.
That's what you gotta do.
I did it for him.
I did that for Brandon.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Oh my God.
When we're in the wave pool and it makes that noise, it's like a big buzzer to let you know
the waves are gonna start.
Brandon like fled.
Oh yeah, I ran every time.
He was like trying to run in the water.
He's like slow run.
Water whooped my ass too.
You remember I kept getting hit.
I was starting to get mad.
I was like, fuck this water.
Oh God, I'm sorry.
Straight in my face.
So overstimulated.
You did get beat up by the water.
That does sound overstimulating.
Yes I did.
All right, so I'm gonna go ahead and start.
I'm gonna start.
So you, now this hopefully, this is accurate.
You're really into trivia.
Yes, y'all definitely looked up my, sorry.
Don't worry about where it comes from.
I'm sorry.
Just let the magic flow.
We're here.
We know you like trivia.
I'm sorry.
You know what I'm saying?
I do really like trivia.
I'm a nerd.
I was on the Quiz Bowl team in high school and in college.
Okay, what's Quiz Bowl?
Quiz Bowl is like Knowledge Bowl.
What's Knowledge Bowl?
It's like a trivia, like you literally have a team of people who answer trivia questions
against another school.
Oh, are they a topic?
Against their team.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
You know them beforehand or it's just like surprise?
When I was in high school, I don't think we did, but in college, how they would do it
was they would give you, there were one, two, there were like five or six of us on the team
and they would give you the topics ahead of time because you could only have three people
on the stage at a time.
So they would give you the topics ahead of time and you would pick who, what, based on
these topics and based on these rounds, what three people do I want in what order based
on people's strengths.
And so we would go up.
Oh, that's just like order, man.
So it's strategy to it and all that.
Well, the order you want to, like they tell you what order each topic is going to be in.
Oh, gotcha.
So you put that person with that topic.
And so you get a question and whoever buzzes in, this, what I'm describing is college because
that's one I remember the most.
Whoever buzzes in is the one that answers the question.
And then if you get the question right, then you know, whose ever turn it is, is the one
who answers the question.
So if it's my round, I'm going, nobody else on my team can answer.
Nobody else on my team can buzz in.
It's my round, my topic and I'm against that other person.
So we're going head to head.
And if you get it right, then you get a bonus question and your whole team gets to talk
about the bonus question.
I get what you're saying.
But yeah, I did quiz bowl.
I'm sorry.
I did quiz bowl in college and we went to nationals and competed against, it was like
48 HBCUs and we made it to the elite eight.
Yeah, we were good.
Like I'm a super nerd.
I don't know.
I don't know if y'all know.
Okay.
Well, you know, you just talked about that shit.
You better win this one.
Oh God.
Oh no.
Okay.
What is quiz bowl practice look like?
Y'all just read.
Yeah.
Like my coach would like, you had a coach.
Like we had full on like matching outfits.
Like we was in the airport because the nationals were in.
I never doubted that for a second.
Nationals were in LA and we flew.
I went to ANT.
So we flew from North Carolina to LA and we were in the airport with like matching track
suits.
Like we was like, we was the shit.
I would.
We sat right next to the WNBA player.
What was y'all name?
We didn't have a team name.
It was just the Aggies, like our school team.
Okay, your school.
Okay.
So we just went to the national tournament.
But for practice, our coach would like, there were certain things that we knew would probably
come up.
Like you have like a general idea of like, okay, you're going to have questions about
history.
You're going to have questions about like math.
Like there's like very general topics and there's a lot of strategy that goes into it
because you want to, like our coach had a buzzer.
Like we had a whole buzzer system and we would sit around with our little buzzers and practice
like buzzing in and you'd have to wait for the moderator to say your name and we would
like practice the rules.
And it was like, you would have to, the strategy is to buzz in just before you know the answer.
So you buzz in, it's a, I'm telling you, it's wild.
You buzz in just before you know the answer.
So while they're saying your name, then you, yeah, you think of the answer.
If you buzz in after you've already thought of the answer, you're too late because the
other team got you.
Yeah.
This sounds like we should make, well we should make a movie or a short instead of dodgeball
is quiz nerds.
Yeah, no, like it was, we would have practice and we would sit and practice buzzing in and
there would be certain, like we would have like different pneumatics to remember like
the countries in Central America, like gorillas, was it gorillas eat hot dogs, not cold pizza.
Like Guatemala, Ecuador, Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, was it Paraguay?
Yeah.
Like a way to remember all the, so we would have different pneumatics, memorize these topics
like the, we would all have our own strengths.
Like I was really good, like naturally I knew the Bible really well.
So if anything came up that was religious, I'd be like, okay, we put Scrappy on that
one.
I'm sorry, Nikki, we're putting Nikki on that one.
We'll bleep that out.
I'll start talking about Scrappy right now.
Okay, it's like, okay, we're putting Nikki on that one or one of my teammates was really
good at doing mental math.
So if it was a math side, okay, we're putting her on that one.
Like we all kind of knew each other's strengths and we would all like vibe off each other.
It was the, it was a fucking blast.
You sound like you had a good time.
Oh yeah, it was great.
Is it like, is it like an America Pie band camp where you guys all fucking crazy go out
and stuff, even though you're nerds?
No.
Huh?
No?
No.
You guys would be real nerds there?
We would be.
Like if you went to LA and you just stayed in a room and-
Basically yes.
We, we, we weren't going out doing crazy stuff.
Was that before or after the ho face?
This was- Damn.
No, I'm just saying this is a marker.
No, I'm- We can be knowledgeable.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a legit question.
Knowledgeable?
This was pretty much right in the heat of it.
This was during- Oh wow.
My ho face.
And you still go out?
My ho face, not in LA.
That's an unfamiliar city.
True.
Okay.
It's on fire right now.
It's not safe.
It's on fire.
My brother lives in LA now actually.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
My brother lives in LA.
I get another one.
Oh no.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
We, as a family, we're like having like check on him.
Sorry to bring it down.
No, it's okay.
I understand.
Is he okay?
He's like, his apartment is good.
He has to leave it for a little bit and go stay with some friends, but his apartments,
they have like an app where they can track it.
Okay.
But his apartment is good.
That's good.
He's a nurse, so he has to go to work.
Like that don't stop.
Yeah.
Probably even more so.
Right, exactly.
But he's, he's doing okay.
Yeah, we've been checking on him.
He's good.
Shout out.
Hope Johnson.
I said Hobo Johnson.
Hobo Johnson.
You can call him that.
You ready for these trivia questions?
You ready?
Everybody ready?
Yeah, let's get it.
Alex, what you got for us?
Is there a theme?
Yeah, is there a theme?
Is there a theme?
Okay, so guys, welcome to the first annual Clown College MLK Knowledge.
Welcome to the first annual Clown College MLK Knowledge Bowl.
Hey.
The K is in the MLK, not knowledge.
Okay.
So I have five questions.
They're all kinda, I've made them all black themes.
I've tried to.
They're not really all black themes.
I feel like I'm at a bit of a disadvantage.
But I've written them in a black, you'll figure.
Oh God.
No, no, no.
I'm not.
I might have talked it up too much.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
But no, there are five questions.
Just let me know when you all are ready.
And we'll do one, I'll ask one question.
You'll each write down the answer and then we'll reveal.
I'll move on to the next one.
I think that'll be the most entertaining maybe.
Okay.
All right.
Question number one.
It's Da Queen's Gambit.
It's a chess question.
Da Queen.
I thought it was black.
I'm sorry.
What the hell is that?
That is, okay.
Happy MLK Day.
It's super stereotypical, but all right, let's go.
Come on.
This is a title awarded to chess players by the World Chess Organization, FIDE.
Apart from world champion, it's the highest title a chess player can attain.
What is this title?
Do we yell out our answer or do we just write it down?
Write it down and then once you all are done, say done.
And then.
Done.
Once you all are done.
I'm done.
Okay.
And then we'll, let's start with Nikki.
We'll go down to the clowns.
Nikki, what's your answer?
Is it Grand Master?
Hell yeah.
You got the first one.
That one, yeah.
Very good.
Who's next?
Do the applause, Brandon.
Oh yeah, hold up.
Well, hold on.
You got it right.
Who else?
Yeah, who's, let's do Dom.
Grand Master.
Oh, God damn.
Okay.
Yeah, dude.
Chess all day, man.
Oh, JJ?
Grand Master, dude.
Damn.
Yeah, yeah.
Brandon, what do you have?
Oh, damn, man.
I said King or Queen.
He's right.
He's right in a way.
Is that right in a way?
I never played chess.
Fuck it.
I don't even know what chess is.
I'm so happy.
I didn't play board games back in the day, man.
So fucking happy.
I'm just learning how to play Uno, man.
I don't know.
All right.
Colors and numbers, guys.
So we got one, one, one and zero.
We got four more.
It's all right.
We have time to redeem ourselves, Brandon.
All right.
Question number two.
This category is the Supreme's Court, like the Supremes, like the black singing group.
We know.
Wow.
I did.
I loved the Supremes.
Ketanji Anika Brown Jackson was nominated to the Supreme Court by President Joe Biden
on February 25th, 2022 and confirmed by the U.S. Senate and sworn into office that same
year.
So that's a good question.
Who was the only president to serve on the Supreme Court after leaving office?
I don't know that.
Oh, no.
I wish it was Obama, but I'll spoil it.
It's not Obama.
Can we have a hint?
No.
No hints?
Yeah, no hints.
That's funner.
OK.
Say the question one more time.
I think I might.
I'll say the question part.
Who was the only president to serve on the Supreme Court after leaving office?
He's the only one that's going to know it.
I think I might know it, but I'm probably wrong.
Let's wait until Brandon's done.
Wait, hold up.
I'm not done yet.
Brandon, you only get five seconds.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, OK.
I got it.
I'm wrong.
Are you left-handed, too?
Yes, I am.
Oh, that's awesome.
I'm left-handed.
They used to kill y'all, though.
I got it.
Guess what?
They're dead.
So fuck all the people that get it.
No fucks.
I seriously have five dollars that it's not a president.
It's not a president.
All right, Nikki, who do you got?
Taft.
Goddamn.
Is that right?
You're correct.
Shut up.
Get the fuck out of here.
Is that what I said?
It's Taft's big ass.
William Howard Taft.
Yep.
I just named the old president.
Truman.
I'm bread in the tub.
What'd you say?
Oh, me?
Yeah.
Oh, I got Bill Clinton.
He's currently.
He's still alive.
That means he would currently be on it.
Yeah, I was like, because I was going to be like, is he dead or alive?
I don't know.
You said dead.
He's alive.
Bill Clinton is alive.
Oh, Bill is alive.
I know.
Didn't you talk to him on the phone?
Cut that out.
I'm not in any way related to that.
Cut that out.
He's in the Clinton crime family.
Cut that out.
I'm not in any way related to that.
Cut that out.
I'm not in any way related to that.
Cut that out.
That was Scrappy Doo right there.
My bad.
I got excited.
You had to throw me right back under the bus.
I played the saxophone.
Random story.
One of my best friends from high school lives in New York, and she was at the New York Marathon,
and Hillary Clinton was like there.
She was like five feet away from Hillary Clinton.
That was six again.
Because Chelsea was running the marathon.
Yeah, she sent me a picture.
Yeah.
Hillary had sunglasses on and a hat, but it was clearly Hillary Clinton.
Wow.
Because Chelsea runs the marathon.
That was like that.
Hillary should have been our first female president.
I agree.
I'll tell you why.
It's because she would have murdered women and children.
That's what you need in the highest office.
If you're not willing to murder women and children for the greater good, I don't want
you in.
I don't think Trump would do it.
I don't think he would either.
I don't think he would murder women and children.
Oh my gosh.
I don't think he would.
That's why we should have had Hillary.
Damn.
What's your favorite politicians?
Let's finish this quiz.
Mine is Kane, man.
He used to do that choke slam and shit.
You know, Kane is the mayor of Knoxville.
That was the right answer.
I'm a wrestling fan, man.
All right, all right, Alex.
Question number three.
It's Whitey on the moon.
Whitey on the moon.
A rat doesn't bit my sister now, but Whitey's on the moon.
Name the final phase of the moon.
Final phase of the moon?
Final phase of the moon.
Like, is it a number or?
The planet?
Yes, yes.
You know, like it's phases.
Like it's in its different shapes.
I know some of the phases, but I don't know what the final is.
Final phase.
I'm going to go with this.
Fuck.
All right.
Where's Mike says, interject, ask Mike GPT.
I'm done.
Is it five?
I'm just going to tell you, I said eight.
I'm thinking about Frieza, man.
Didn't Frieza have like five forms?
So I'm just guessing like that because, you know.
That's the way you should think.
Thank you, man, because I don't know nothing about this moon.
I put waning.
Waning?
There's waxing, like, on the moon.
Waning.
There's waxing, waning.
You're about half right.
What you got?
I put the waning gibbous.
Gibbous.
Close.
It's close.
Damn it.
But no, is it cigar or no cigar?
Gibbons.
Waning gibbons.
No, the last phase is the waning crescent.
So you're wrong.
So everybody got that one wrong.
Everybody got that one wrong.
So eight and whatever you said is the same amount of wrong.
Yep.
No, it's not the same amount of wrong.
We were both half right.
I don't know what's wrong with that.
We all were technically.
Hey, we got quiz boys short and there, dude.
She fucking got it wrong.
She fucking knows what she's talking about, all right?
You put eight.
Okay, dude.
The question was not how many hot dogs have you eaten today, man.
The question was about the moon, dude.
First of all, I'm on a zippy.
You know I can't eat that much.
Hey, we were all close, isn't that right?
Yep.
We were all very close.
We were all the same amount of wrong, pretty much.
I feel like we were all equal.
Whatever you said.
Thank you.
If you lose a game, it doesn't matter if you lose by one or a hundred, you lost.
Thank you.
We all lost.
You just try to make yourself feel better.
Put the number.
Go watch Rocky.
It doesn't matter how hard you get hit.
It's about how hard you get back up.
It's about how hard you are.
What's number four?
All right.
Question number four, the category is Ebony Phonics.
Okay.
MLK, Malcolm X.
The beginning is of these questions, no matter.
This group of conspiracy theorists believe that there is a secret cabal of child predators
in power and Trump is the only one who can stop them.
What letter is associated with them?
I got it.
Oh, I don't know that.
I know this for sure.
Yep.
I know you're in it.
I don't know.
I got to guess.
Is it Q and 9?
You can't say.
What are you doing?
You're the quiz master.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
That would have been a disqualification and a knowledge.
Yeah.
Oh, my bad.
You have lost the point.
I'm sorry.
Am I right?
You already got yours?
Brayden, what did you say?
Now, this is a combination of the two.
Can I have a thing where I say or?
Yes.
I said, see the current Manson family or the flat Earthers.
See the one of those.
Yes.
Those are correct.
You got two points.
I think I got it correct.
That's a Q.
Said Q.
It is Q.
Oh, it's Q.
You were right.
I got that from Jonathan's joke.
Oh, yeah.
Q and 9 said that would work.
Yeah, yeah.
But you didn't get it right.
Shout out to Jonathan.
I don't remember the points anymore.
I know mine.
All right.
I'm going to put myself at half a point for the move question.
This is the final question.
Fifth and final.
All right.
Question number five.
When pigs fry.
I know this.
In 1903, an animal named Topsy was killed by electrocution at a Coney Island amusement
park to demonstrate the shocking power of electricity.
Oh, I know this one.
What animal was Topsy?
I know.
You do?
Yeah.
Wait, did you say what animal?
I said one animal is Topsy.
Oh, I got you, man.
I got you.
And then hold until everyone's done.
Yeah.
I know this one.
I don't.
I saw a picture of it.
I'll just say mine.
Everybody done?
Yeah.
Monkey.
Is that not?
Wrong.
That's wrong.
Damn.
Elephant.
I just figured it'd be a monkey.
Elephant is correct.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Thomas Edison in 1903 shocked an elephant to death.
Oh, yeah.
He was a monster.
Fuck that.
You know Birth of a Nation was a favorite movie?
Oh, God.
Yeah, fuck him.
I wouldn't kick his ass.
I don't know him on K-Day.
Nah, man.
Fuck Thomas Edison.
I said Lithuanian.
That's not...
What the hell?
My bad, guys.
I think I misunderstood you.
That's good shit.
Guess what?
I said elephant, too.
I've seen the picture.
Hell, yeah.
I remember.
I literally studied this.
I bet if we looked closely, you were there, dude.
Man, shit.
Yes.
I felt so bad.
I was a kid, man.
That's fucked up.
I got emotion almost, God.
I love animals.
So how many points did you guys get?
Four and a half.
What?
I gave myself a half point for waning.
You got four.
Four and a half.
You did not get four and a half.
It's impossible.
You got Grandmaster.
Who says it's impossible?
You got Truman.
It was Taff.
And you got three.
You got three.
No.
You missed Q&A because you got disqualified.
Don't even try that.
What?
You were disqualified.
It doesn't matter.
Okay, so three and a half.
You said the right answer, and then Brandon still got it wrong.
Which is amazing.
My God.
I'm so sorry.
It doesn't matter because he still got it wrong.
That's not the point.
When I said it earlier, you didn't help him.
No, I didn't.
Nothing will.
Damn, man.
Not like that.
I'm telling you, you have very strong ideas.
I'm trying, man.
I'm trying to clean it up.
So I got three and a half.
I got one.
You got three.
You got one?
Yeah, I got one.
Oh, okay.
I got three.
I got one.
Oh, I got two.
Oh.
I got the Grandmaster, William Howard Taft, and then QAnon.
I got half of three.
No, you got... There's no fucking hats.
And I would like to see the data on if Thomas Edison electrocuted a Lithuanian person.
Because I hear it to you, it might have happened.
Dude, he probably did.
Menlo Park was a wild place.
You know, he stole that light bulb shit too from what's his name?
Tesla?
Tesla.
Yeah, man.
From Elon Musk.
The light bulb shit.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, Tesla.
Thank you, Tesla.
But not Edison.
Fuck Edison, man.
Not on this out, not in here.
I would, man.
I would hit him with a Model T, bro.
What's... Yeah.
Model T. You're thinking about it.
Henry Ford.
Because his Tesla is the... You're going to use Henry Ford's invention.
Yes, I would.
I would use his best friend's invention.
Henry.
Meet him at the picnic.
Henry Ford was a way better person than me.
Nah, man.
Nah, he wouldn't... Nah, man.
I heard Henry Ford also stole people's ideas.
Yes, he did.
They all did.
That's how the best things get made.
Like, Elon Musk, he's like, I'm going to do this.
He doesn't... He didn't invent rockets.
Yeah.
No, he didn't.
Who invented rockets?
He also literally stole the name Tesla.
Who do you think invented rockets?
And then you're going to look it up.
Von Braun.
Von Braun?
Look at that.
Let's see.
What do y'all think?
Who invented... I mean, it really depends on what they consider to be rockets.
I say it's somebody Russian.
Look at the Chinese.
They're going to say... I think they're going to be like...
Goddard.
The fuck is that?
Okay.
It's Robert H. Goddard.
Wait, Goddard.
That's the dog from Jimmy Neutron.
That's a satellite too.
Oh, really?
It is a dog from... Yeah.
They probably named it after him.
Yeah, they named the dog after the satellite.
Oh, wow.
It's about a guy that's a genius.
Goddard, bro.
Damn, man.
Come on.
Did you watch Jimmy Neutron?
I did.
I grew up with that.
Yes.
That's my childhood.
Jimmy Neutron.
Never seen him.
That was me.
Who was Jimmy Neutron?
Don was like, sheen.
It was about a kid genius with a really big head, and he had a dog named Goddard.
Sound like me.
I had that call somebody... Don reminds me of Sheen from Jimmy Neutron.
I'll show you.
I know.
I never watched this.
That's Sheen, the Hispanic guy in the blue shirt.
I didn't know he was Hispanic.
I didn't know he was Hispanic until now.
So his accent... He's Sheen Estevez.
I didn't know that until this very moment.
That's also Charlie Sheen in him real name.
Really?
Martin Sheen.
Yeah.
He's a real name.
Really?
Martin Sheen, the Estevez.
But they changed it because they wanted to be more...
He's Hispanic?
Yeah.
Who?
They're not pure.
It's a coke problem.
Oh, yeah.
And the gay stuff.
Oh, the gay stuff.
What type of gay stuff, man?
What?
I was just trying to learn, brother.
What are we doing?
What are you doing?
What are you trying to learn?
Did not care at all about any of the questions.
I didn't know.
He didn't care.
What?
I was just trying to know.
I know William Howard Tavs on the screen.
Gay.
Let me put the joke on.
Oh, my bad.
Hold on.
That was applause.
A little laughter.
The joke.
Yes, is this a joke?
Yeah.
What's the joke, though?
I don't even know, man.
But you just want to know more about... Who do you want to know more about?
Just let us know.
Charlie Sheen, right?
I didn't know that... I mean, I heard that he get... This is new knowledge to me.
I didn't know he did gay stuff.
I mean, two and a half men, no women.
That's why it's called two and a half men.
Wasn't that like Drake and Josh, though?
Because he was the one getting the women, and then the other guy was just at the house?
I don't watch two and a half men.
See, I would watch my dad watch it, and I would just look at it from a distance.
I never sat...
Well, you can also watch it if he's watching.
I can watch it now, but back then...
You talking about your dad was watching Drake and Josh?
No, not Drake and Josh, two and a half men.
I always feel like...
Don't be ridiculous.
No, I was watching Drake and Josh.
That was my shit.
Okay.
He was watching that from a distance.
Oh my gosh.
Everything.
They had good views in there, huh?
Where?
In two and a half men.
Yes.
Yeah?
I know what you're talking about.
As long as I was a kid, I was very happy to sneak up and watch.
I would sneak and watch that, and Grey was mad at me.
A lot of attractive women scandal-y clapped.
You said who?
I said the brain that sing the theme song.
Theme song?
What?
Men, men, men.
Don't do that.
Okay.
Can you sing, Nikki?
I hate that song.
We will use that audio for...
I can hold it soon.
All right.
What's your favorite song that we're all about to harmonize?
We're all going to sing for you.
I don't know if I have a favorite song.
What song do you know?
Don't put me on the spot.
I don't know.
You did Purple Rain.
I did do Purple Rain.
I was just looking at that two days.
Purple Rain?
Sing that in use.
Let me put the lyrics up.
Okay, you can put the lyrics up, but you can't put the sound.
Oh, no.
We'll have to harmonize the sound.
I know you have no idea.
I'll do that.
Y'all want to hum it?
Y'all want to hum I'll sing?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, hold on.
All right, all right.
No, no, no.
Nikki's going to sing.
Oh, shit.
Hell yeah.
I got you.
We'll hum.
We're the background singers.
Okay.
Come on, Nikki.
I believe in you.
All right, let's go.
Go ahead.
You got it.
Go ahead, go ahead.
I never meant to cause you any sorrow.
I never meant to cause you any pain.
All I wanted one time was what?
To see you laughing.
Yeah.
Laughing in the purple rain, purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Come on, do that.
I only want to see you bathing in the purple rain.
We can't love.
You committed to that a lot more than any of us would have.
Yeah.
Y'all asked me to do it so I'm going to do it.
Play the applause, man.
Here we go.
I know you can't hear it, but when you watch it back you'll hear applause.
We got to have a karaoke session one day.
I'm nervous to watch this back.
I don't know.
Oh, no, this has been good.
Huh?
So we were talking about what's your favorite talk show, old talk show, like Jenny Jones,
Ricki Lay, Maury, and we all know somebody that's been on one of these shows.
Yes.
Who do you know?
I had a classmate who was on Snapped.
Snapped?
Snapped, yeah.
I think it was on Oxygen.
Yeah, I know.
The women kill the men.
Yeah.
So one of my classmates from middle school, his mom killed her boyfriend.
Yeah.
And he got arrested as an accessory.
The kid?
Yeah, we were in like eighth grade.
Oh, shit.
He got arrested as an accessory.
And later on as an adult, I saw the episode and I was like, oh my god, I know them.
And they told the whole story about how she killed the man and put him in her trunk.
She must have been a happy woman.
They interviewed my classmate.
Or she had help.
They interviewed my classmate.
He was on the screen being interviewed about it.
I know him.
We were in eighth grade math class together.
Damn, that's crazy.
Yeah.
What were the word problems in the math class?
If you need to carry 179 pounds, 40 yards.
So he didn't do the killing, but he was on the show because his mama...
But he didn't get any time then?
He was only eight?
No, he went to jail.
He did?
At eight years old?
No, in eighth grade.
So like 14.
Oh, okay.
But that does kind of suck.
They put him in a juvenile...
Exactly, like you're like 14.
You can help your mama.
Exactly.
I can help her right now.
Me too.
If she's killing someone else, dude, you're next on the chopping block.
She's guaranteed.
You know what I mean?
If you don't help.
Exactly.
You're scared at that point.
What do you do?
You're shocked.
Was there a reasoning behind it?
I don't know.
I don't think they ever told the reasoning, but yeah, it was a whole big story.
How long did she get?
I don't know.
I don't know how long he got.
He went to like a juvenile.
He probably didn't get that much, but she, the mama.
Oh yeah, I'm sure she got it.
I bet she didn't get that much though.
I bet she did 20.
Do 20 in your house.
Seems like a lot.
20 is a long time.
20 is a lot, but not for killing someone.
It's a whole lifetime, man.
No, it's not.
It's his lifetime.
Yeah, I'm 21.
Huh?
That's his whole lifetime.
Oh yeah, that is yours.
Put it like this, if you kill somebody right now and you got down 20 years, you'll be a
couple years older than me.
Oh yeah, I'll be 41.
Yeah, so it wouldn't even be bad.
No.
You can go out there, you can have another life.
And then while you're in there, you'll be the big dude in fucking campus because you're
Brandon Willis, beat the shit out of people, get all kinds of snacks and shit.
Guess what?
Swinging dick.
Yeah.
Nobody can fuck you.
Oh, was I supposed to say something?
Well, we were trying to hype you up and say you would be doing the fucking thing.
Oh yeah, man, yeah.
Nah, man.
I feel like I would be like, honestly, we don't have to fuck, man.
Here's the phone, man.
Go jump off.
Oh, so you're already planning on having a phone.
Yeah.
Brandon got, he got weights, he got contraband, we can trade.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's willing and dealing.
We don't have to worry about the fucking in the sense.
Yeah, as long as he don't fuck me, that's all right, man.
What's gang shit, what's gang shit you throw up?
Nothing.
Brandon Willis' gang.
How you doing?
What's your sign?
Thumbs up.
That's all I do.
I don't do nothing, man.
Two dicks.
I stay away from that.
I'm good, man.
Oh my God.
I love the subplot of this podcast that Brandon is extremely homophobic.
Oh no.
Look at.
Not at all.
No, you not.
Never.
Because it's good.
Yes, it is good.
It's that look of contempt in your eyes.
Dude, I respect it.
That's good.
I mean, I respect it.
I respect it.
That's good.
Furry's good.
Everybody's good.
No.
Stop throwing that one in there.
It's okay for them to do it.
It's not okay for you just to wear your kink outfit everywhere.
I don't give a fuck if you identify as a cat.
I will hit.
That was very strong like you were real.
I know, right?
Like the freeze.
Yeah.
Because it just because if I like to get fucking tied up, they might bring in my handcuffs
everywhere and be like, oh.
Dom's not bringing a white lady around calling him the N word everywhere.
Yeah.
I mean, I wouldn't be.
But no.
But exactly.
You don't do that in public.
That's your thing.
That's your sexual thing.
So sex, I think, I don't think your sexual thing should be out like whatever you're like
promoting it.
That makes sense.
Now, not the way of life.
You know, if you're gay, you're just with your husband.
That's different because you're just a regular person.
Right.
But the intimate details of your bedroom.
But when you're furry, you're lesser.
What?
No.
You're lesser than a person because you're.
So JJ, you said you did somebody who was on a show.
They were a furry.
Which is good.
But can I say one more thing before we move on to this topic?
Do you think, OK, so is it acceptable to have a butt plug in public?
Just don't wear a butt plug.
If it's a tail and you can see it, I feel like that's off limits.
But if you're just discreetly going about your day and you got like a little ruby in
there.
If it's discreet, nobody cares because nobody can see.
This is the main argument with furries is that they have the butt plug tail in and it's
kind of strange.
Yeah, you can't do that out in public.
Yeah.
You can go give a little tail.
Do they cut the pant like a hole around the jeans or they're just bare ass on things?
I always imagined it was a skirt situation.
So it's a skirt.
So you're sitting down on shit with a gaping hole in your in your asshole.
OK, we can talk about something else.
So whenever it's plugged, nothing can come out.
Wow.
Dude, will that fix anal leakage?
Yeah.
Wow.
So we saw whoever fuck it.
Solving problems.
You need to start small and work your way up.
You said what about a tampon?
Because you know, Brandon has anal leakage.
I don't even know what that is.
What is that?
It's whatever your anal glands are extra active.
Because you said you had it.
No, I don't.
You have fissures?
I don't know if fissures.
Brandon, you were just talking about it last week.
I didn't get that far in medical school yet, man.
I didn't get that far yet.
OK, they'll tell me.
You think if you're EMT you're going to be fixing people's anal fissures?
We're telling everybody that.
Yes.
Something could happen.
Somebody could get something.
I don't know.
I knew somebody that was on Jerry Springer.
I'm going to have to be the one that.
Well, you can't.
You can't.
You can't pull this off.
Yeah, so JJ knew somebody who's on Jerry Springer.
Yeah, tell us about that, JJ.
I did.
Please.
Tell us about it.
It was a woman who was a stripper who had a boy, I don't know if it was her boyfriend
or husband or what, male partner.
She brings home another stripper from where she works at and then they all have a threesome.
They wake up the next morning and she goes out to cook breakfast and she walks back into
the bedroom and her man and the other stripper are just having solo sex with each other and
she felt some type of way about that.
Then they fist fought on Springer.
See, is that wrong?
Yes.
It's wrong?
I think it is.
Is what wrong?
Which one?
The fist fighting on Springer or the solo sex?
No, the fist fight you shouldn't do that.
Yeah, that's good.
You brought a girl home for you and your man to experiment with and then you go cook breakfast
and then he's in there and he's like, well, it's still hard.
I feel like if you open that door, you've opened that door.
Yeah, I agree.
I agree.
You don't know, guys.
I agree.
Really?
I don't think that's cool.
No.
No?
You didn't, you consented.
Well, what do you agree with?
Two of the threesome, you didn't consent for them to just go.
No, man.
But you're not, so they're having sex with each other.
Now your consent has nothing to do with it.
You've consented just them two to have sex, so you don't have to consent to nothing.
I'm with Nikki on this one.
Me too.
All right, guys.
So who you with, Brandon?
See, what I feel like what this is, is like when you have a PlayStation, let's say you
got to bring a PlayStation in there, you got the boat playing two player, you wake up the
next morning, your friend started the game without you.
That's what I feel like it is kind of.
Well, that'd be like if you went in there and he was jerking off.
You know, the worst thing I had was when I walked in and a friend had his junk on my
controller, but other than that, thankfully never happened.
Did you keep that controller?
Man, I was mad as hell.
I was mad as hell.
Why did he have his junk on your controller?
I don't know why.
This dude was very weird and I was very upset.
Was he waiting for you to come in?
Yeah, because I'm like, dude, you in my front room.
What if it wasn't me, it was my mom come out in there, then what?
It was a white dude?
Yes, it was.
Oh, of course.
It was horrible, man.
I'm sorry, man.
Pee on fucking rocks.
Do you know him?
No, you don't.
He was a good guy, man, he wouldn't do that horrible, horrible shit.
He would just throw rocks at you and call you the N word.
You watch him, man, what the hell?
That was like 14 years ago.
He's a changed man now.
What can happen in 14 years?
Oh shit, yes.
Yes.
A lot.
Brandon, did you ever know anybody that was on the reality show?
Well, no, man.
I mean, my mom would beat me, but other than that, no.
I don't know anybody.
I mean, no.
Dom, did you ever know anybody?
What the fuck did he just say?
Did he just say, fuck, beat me?
It's not the same thing.
I thought, yeah, I don't know.
I don't know anything.
Yeah, so I did this, I just did it all the way.
When I did this girl, they went to a different school from K through fifth, and then we all
went to junior high, and then she beat up this other girl that was in junior high and
went on Jenny Jones because she was beating her up and she was kicking her down the stairs
and really fucked the girl up.
But then they were both in junior high together back again, and then they just had to be there.
Then we all watched, of course we all watched the episode, and made fun of the one actually
that got beat up.
I don't know why.
And then Dom beat up both of them.
Oh, damn her.
But yeah, yeah.
That was it.
This is bullying.
And you know what?
What do you guys think about bringing bullying back?
Actually, you're a teacher.
Should they bring bullying back?
No.
No?
No.
So the kids now ain't a little bit softer and shit like that?
We have bullying.
There is no bring it back.
It never went away.
Is it the nerds that are bullying now?
What?
I think the nerds are the worst bullies.
What do they look like?
No, not the kids.
Is it physical bullying?
Oh, yeah.
So most of what I hear is verbal or just taunting harassment.
A lot of cyber bullying.
We didn't have to deal with that at our age.
But a lot of it is cyber now.
They get online and start posting stuff.
I'm talking about real bullies who hit you in the fucking face.
Oh, yeah.
I remember those.
You have to worry about getting on the school bus because you're scared.
That's what we need back in schools right now.
And I bet that cyber bullying shit would stop.
I bet it would stop in school.
As soon as you, oh, you did this or whatever, and you get the shit smacked out of you.
Maybe I should shut the fuck up.
Maybe I shouldn't put this person's business out there on the interwebs.
Amen.
Right?
Amen.
Because you got bullied.
Yes, I did.
I'm a fucking beast now.
Yeah, he's a beast.
And I used to bully people.
You pushed me over the thing I joined wrestling.
Yep.
I'm sure it happened.
Yes, it did.
Fuck those guys.
So you're with it now.
I feel like if you hit somebody now, they're coming back to school with a gun, dude.
I feel like it's a big escalation.
Yes, that is possible.
I don't think there's a lot of middle-frame bigs.
That is a problem.
Yeah.
It's very easy to get.
Very easy to get.
This is a thing you learn.
They sit where you can see the door.
Yes, yes.
I agree with that.
My mom used to always tell me, know where the exit is.
Because you never know.
Unless you were in the basement of a dark building.
Oh yeah, you're not getting out of there unless, I mean, you follow your tracks and turn on
it.
I mean, when the lights are on, I guess you could look around and be like, okay.
Why are you in the basement of a dark building?
Oh man, you should ask her.
That babysitter, man.
I don't know why she did that.
You could ask some more questions.
She sucks.
I don't know if I want to.
Yeah, you do.
You wouldn't know.
I wish she would put me in somewhere better, but that's where she wants us to be.
She could be dead now, and if she's dead, she's in the dark basement for only two in
hell.
You know what?
Yeah.
But how do you really feel about it?
How do I really feel about it?
Oh my God.
I don't know.
Back then, I felt horrible, but now I'm like, I guess-
But now you're over it.
You just say you wish you could go to hell.
Now I'm like, if I saw her, I'd be like, hey, good for you.
That's a story I could tell.
You burned my fucking Lightning McQueen toy.
So, yeah.
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm
like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like I'm
like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm
like almost 20 years.
Well, hold on, 2007.
When did cars come out?
2006.
Okay, so 2006, probably near 2007.
Yeah, back in the day.
Good old days.
Before I was in pre-K.
Pre-real estate, boba.
Before I was in pre-K.
Would the economic crash?
Yeah.
That's when you can still afford choice.
Yes, back when lunch food was good,
before they changed it.
Like I used to crave the chocolate milk,
then they changed it
and I would have spoiled milk
and it would be like,
you think of popcorn in there
and then I got sick with it so I had to go home.
I don't know if people thought that.
Oh, you never had spoiled milk and shit?
No, I did, but I never thought it was fun.
No, because I ate it
and I was like, what the fuck is this yellow?
Did y'all not have that?
What?
We had it all the time.
The little cartons of milk in the lunch room,
the paper ones.
True move, true move.
It switched to true move from purity
and then it would just be spoiled.
Purity, I used to.
For a fucking time.
Man, I love purity.
Really?
It'd be like chunky, you'd like get sick.
Oh, nah.
It's terrible.
We didn't have that.
We grew up in Illinois.
We had the good stuff.
Must be nice.
I love Michelle, that's my one gripe with Michelle Obama.
I love and respect her as a person,
but school lunches, I think they could have left alone.
She hurt me.
So you saw it change, right?
I did.
I was right on the cusp.
I was on my way out of high school as it was changing.
Oh, okay.
But now you see it back in the day.
Yeah, now when I look at what these kids are eating,
I'm like, oh, y'all, I feel so bad.
They're missing out.
It still like that now.
Yes, it is.
Yeah, it's like cardboard.
I feel so bad for them.
How's that better for them?
Do they still get breakfast eaters?
It's more nutritious.
Yes.
They still got that?
Yeah, but it's not the same as what y'all had,
I guarantee that.
It's not, yeah.
The chips are whole grain.
Come on.
It's not.
Oh, that's nonsense.
Yeah, I feel so bad for them.
They still got those nasty burrito things.
You remember the beef and cheese burritos
that were like with the eggs in them?
That was like so nasty.
And it looked like, it looked like, ugh.
That was the basement food.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I'm talking about, this is like 2017.
This isn't a tortilla with a fucking egg in it.
Half-frozen.
No, no, I wish, I wish.
Still got a block of ice in the middle.
Forced you to eat peas and potatoes.
Forced you.
You didn't have a choice.
Were you in Clockwork Orange, dude?
Man, she a for sweet, man.
You didn't wanna eat that shit, you gonna eat it.
You gonna eat it.
She for real, she put that.
She would make you eat that stuff and yell at you.
Be like, you better eat it.
Did you ever put her hands on you?
I don't, I don't think so.
Blocked that part out.
Yeah, cause he always, he's done that more than one time
when he's like, I don't think so.
I don't think so, I don't know.
It's okay if she did.
I really don't remember, like I don't, I honestly don't.
I mean, it was dark down there.
Yeah?
Blocked that part.
Wait, let's try a different strategy.
She better not touch you.
No, I'm kidding.
What?
No.
Now you're gonna give him a complex.
No.
Oh my gosh, no.
No.
Well, you weren't one of the lucky boys that night.
You weren't student in the month.
I wasn't student in the month when I was in high school, dude.
You did?
For integrity.
Aw.
Why?
Did you get a snitch on somebody?
No, dude.
I snitched on myself.
I had the opportunity to cheat on a math test
cause we took math test online at that point.
And it was like, I realized I had an unlimited number
of tries on every question.
So I was like, hey man, I don't feel right about this.
Because I had to do it before
cause I was gonna be absent that day.
What?
Dude, are you serious?
When you know the material, you don't have to cheat.
Ooh.
You know?
You don't have to.
Preach.
Damn, man.
Preach.
Demoflux.
And so I got student of the month.
And then I went to like the award ceremony
that they had for it.
They like would buy you breakfast and stuff.
And I had violent diarrhea in the background.
Jesus.
So I.
Damn, man.
Yeah.
No, it was before.
It was before I got to school and I was like,
oh man, I'm not feeling too right.
And she doesn't know.
How do you,
It's a long cross.
Dispose of your excrement?
Ooh, let's learn.
I like most people.
But I take a more like primal approach.
Zora Gwiling, are you familiar?
You get naked and then stand on the toilet?
Yep.
Crouch.
Exactly what he does.
Perch.
Yeah.
Barefooted.
I'll never have colon cancer.
That's crazy.
But that's actually what you're supposed to do.
I have a stool that I sit in front of the toilet.
The Squatty Potty.
Sometimes your allies.
It's not a Squatty Potty.
It's just a Dollar Tree.
It's a different brand, yeah.
No, it's literally a step stool.
Yeah, like a little.
Like what brand is it?
Does it help you?
Yeah, no, it works.
It does?
I feel weird if I have to go without it.
I have it sitting right next to the toilet
and I put my feet on it.
Yeah.
Does that help?
No, it really does.
Okay, I might try that.
Because that's how your body is naturally supposed to go.
You're supposed to be in a squatting position.
Not in like a full 90 degree.
Sometimes your allies are in the most unlikely place.
I'm gonna try this.
Zora knows the whole story, Nicky.
I'm gonna throw him further.
Let me hear this.
He lifts the toilet lid.
Yeah.
He lifts the seat and steps on that part.
On the little rim?
The whole thin rim?
You don't wanna like break the toilet seat.
That actually makes sense now.
Yeah, I can see that.
Okay.
I can see that.
And then what?
I wouldn't do it, but it makes sense.
But ask him what happens whenever he has violent
or diarrhea like he had that day.
All the rage?
That's like, I wanna hear this.
Name me one person that's ever shot 100%.
No, nobody has.
Sometimes he missed.
I agree.
Sometimes it hits the floor.
Sometimes it hits the back of the toilet fan.
Sometimes it gets in some places where you're like,
oh wow, I know that wasn't from this time.
I agree.
That might have been from a previous outing.
You know?
You live and you learn, dude.
True, like with aim.
Like what?
Like with aim, yeah, that's what I was saying.
Aim in what?
You know, man, a little junk.
I don't know, what's that one?
Are you talking about pee or something?
Yes, that's what I was talking.
No, not shit.
We never miss that.
That's what he was talking about.
I was thinking cum shot.
No, man, how do you miss that?
What?
Well.
Oh.
It's unpredictable.
My bad hot guy.
Man, wait a minute, wait.
Yeah, man, I'm like a fucking sniper.
Yeah, I was talking about pee.
I feel like peeing is way easier.
Yeah, man, I'm gonna try that gargle with him
because my mom getting worried.
Getting worried about?
Oh, because the other day she went up to me
and was like, son, you okay?
Are you still bleeding and shit?
And I'm like, I ain't.
I'm like.
Maybe if that will help, all right.
Because I, man, it's getting bad.
Nikki's face.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You're like.
I know, it's traumatic.
Like, all right.
It's traumatic.
So what's going on?
Well, I guess, well, we started this boat.
Well, well, well, make sure we don't sink it
and land it on the island.
So what happened was like,
you remember last week when we were all talking about,
everybody was talking about this.
We were all like, hey, man, you know,
we wanna be clean as we, you know,
you guys keep wiping till there's some blood.
You agreed with me on this one.
No, no.
Don't even booby it up.
That happens to dumb on the first one.
Remember when we were talking about,
we were wiping till blood happens?
Remember when you said that?
Yeah, like I did that and then, yeah,
and my mom was worried about it.
And then the other day it got out of hand
because I accidentally like ripped something
and I got scared because I really did.
Did you show your mom?
What?
No, I didn't show her.
I didn't tell her.
You ripped your butt?
I ripped something.
She get nervous about you talking to your mom.
Did you like scratch it on accident?
Something.
It was horrible.
Because it was like painful for like five days.
Oh my gosh.
Horribly painful.
Did you pop a hemorrhoid or a boil too soon?
No, no, it was something like it.
You had an anal prolapse?
It's something like it's something natural
that was not supposed to be there.
This does not sound natural.
If you're bleeding, it could mean that you're dehydrated.
No, no, I drink so much water.
I drink so much water.
But you lose a lot of my sweat.
That happened to me one time and I went to the doctor
and she was like, you're not drinking enough water
because if you're dehydrated, then your poop is like hard
and it'll cut you on the way out.
Oh.
It's black.
Damn.
No, not black, that's a different problem.
It was somewhere up there.
Yeah, that's a different problem.
No, it's normal color but it's not soft enough
so it literally will cut you on the way out
and you'll bleed because you don't have enough water
in your system.
So is your stool hard when it came out?
No, sometimes it'll be soft and just do it.
And it's still bleeding?
Yeah, it's just I wipe too hard.
Bleed for five days.
Do you wipe too hard?
That's a different problem.
It's been like this for 10 years.
Like 10 years.
10 years.
You're 20 fucking what?
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Since he was 11.
11 years old, you guys.
Like that's when I was running to my mom.
Me like, hey, you gotta come see this.
But she didn't know about this last time.
What, what happened with the rip?
She didn't know about the rip.
But she's worried about you.
You keep saying that.
Yeah, she was worried.
Yeah, because I was concerned.
Can you walk us through that?
So, okay, so I don't,
so I'm gonna do some anatomy here.
So there's a line that is in there.
Yep.
Of your buttocks, right?
There's a line.
Are you talking about your ass?
There's a line that connects her all the way down
to the little thing called the,
we all know what this thing is called.
The gooch.
The sack.
Oh, the sack.
Okay, yeah.
That.
Your butt crack goes all the way to your sack?
Oh, you fucking tore your tank?
Maybe.
Oh.
I may have asked you that.
Holy shit, how the fuck?
I don't know how the fuck that happened either.
That was weird, isn't it?
I don't know how that happened.
Yeah, that is weird.
But he also said he has a,
his butt crack goes all the way to his sack.
There's a line that,
this is for everybody, man.
There's a line.
There's a line that connects.
The shit about the microplastics must be true.
There's a line.
It connects all our chakras, yes.
Yes, yes.
Okay.
And that's what rips.
So, wasn't your, the actual force?
Why you wiping there so aggressively?
Why you wiping there?
I'm trying to make sure everything's clean, man.
I'm a clean person.
That's fair.
I'm a clean guy.
But how did, but like,
this is a derivative.
The gooch rips.
I don't know, because like, I'm trying to,
dude, how did, like a cut?
Yes.
Deep?
Yeah, well, it wasn't deep, but dude, it was like, yeah.
You was leaking there.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
It was painful for five days.
Five days?
Five days of pain.
Yeah, dude.
Five days of pain, man.
With the issue of blood.
Suffering, man.
Oh my gosh, he's like,
the 10th plague of Egypt.
But you know what they say,
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I'm stronger, man.
You have scar tissue on your taint now.
I'm so fucking soldier right there.
You sit like one inch higher.
Yeah, man.
That's crazy.
I'm sorry you went through that.
Yeah, I gotta be careful,
because you know, I want like a Brandon Jr. or something,
so we're gonna be careful, man.
A what?
Brandon Jr., that makes one of the means
one day I wanna have a child.
You know that doesn't.
But dude, the taint,
the taint has nothing to do with that.
Nothing to do with that?
Nothing to do with that at all.
What do you think it has to do?
Because I was like, if it's connected to that,
can't that do something?
Yeah, if he bleeds too much out his ass,
he can't have it.
Not my asshole.
Well, no.
Damn.
You think that is gonna mess with your sack?
I thought so.
Did the cut go to the sack?
No, thankfully no.
That would have been traumatic,
and I would have ran to the hospital.
My gosh, man, no.
I would have, that's like,
you know how bad that would have been?
I wouldn't be here right now, man.
Probably not, man.
I would be crushed.
But they could probably fix it.
And if they can.
They can sew it up.
And I would, man, I'd be a changed man.
Do you think if you got cut on your ball sack
that semen would leak out?
No, man, it'd be blood, and like,
oh man, I couldn't do it, man.
I can't, because I want a legacy.
I mean, dude, you're creating one as we speak.
No one's asking you to do it.
Ask me to do what?
What do you say you can't do?
No, he was saying if it was cut,
what would you do?
And I was like, I would be crushed.
Yeah.
Because that would be horrible.
I want a legacy.
Yeah.
Like, I want somebody to be like,
we need more Brandon now.
Thousands of years, thousands of years
to be like, man, my great, great, great,
great, great, great, great grandfather
was Brandon Willis, man.
That dude was crazy.
Yeah.
Cheers, man.
Oh no, I got it.
That'd be good.
Cheers, man.
Cheers to that, Torn Tanks.
You know, one day, they're gonna find this
in like a hidden arch-eyed place,
and you know, your grandson's watching right now.
Your grandchild, everybody's grandchild.
Oh my God, they aren't.
They aren't.
They're not ready.
Well, they need to.
There's no way.
They speak Mandarin, they don't know what we're saying.
Everybody's all sitting on the couch
just crying right now like, to you.
To me.
Yes.
Wow.
Yeah, to him.
And you.
I'm talking about our future generations.
While they're crying about it.
Because like, dude, you know,
so you never seen like an old footage
of one of your old family members,
and you're like, oh my gosh,
that's my great-grandfather, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
Because I used to do that with like VHS tapes.
So you think this is the conversation
they're gonna be crying like, I missed, I missed both of them.
Dude, anything that I could see, man,
I would be like in tears.
That isn't actually insane.
No.
Yeah, man.
Memories.
That's sweet.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah.
All right.
The Taint incident of early 25th.
You okay?
Am I okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, you all right?
I know I was dramatic, my bad.
I mean, it sounded like it was a lot harder for you, man.
I'm sorry now.
It's good now.
It's good.
Healed up.
Now, did you keep it?
Nevermind, we'll move on from it.
Yeah, we'll talk about it later.
We'll talk about it later.
Maybe you should ask, man, later.
I got you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Make sure you're all right and good health.
Because you know, affection.
What?
Don't worry about it.
Oh my gosh, no.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go septic.
I don't even know what that is yet.
I learned about that in class.
If you want some test-offs, I got something for you.
Oh man, sure.
Okay.
All right, so Nikki.
Yes.
We're glad you came.
Oh my God.
We're so glad you came.
It's been so fun.
Learned a lot.
Yes.
Are you okay?
I'm all right.
I'm good.
Oh.
So, you wanna tell us something interesting about yourself?
Ooh, please.
I'm left-handed.
That count.
Can I apply it real quick?
No.
Because I respect that more than anything.
Thank you.
I'm left-handed.
My daddy's left-handed.
Both of my brothers are left-handed.
And my niece is left-handed.
Hell yeah.
Strong, strong, strong.
Strong genes.
Good chances in the present.
Southpaw is the best.
Exactly.
Southpaw's the best.
Yeah, a lot of presidents,
like proportionally more presidents are left-handed.
Really?
Than right-handed, yeah.
Watch out.
Yeah.
I don't know.
What else interesting about me?
I don't know.
You tell me.
What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Ooh, good question.
What's the most pain you've ever inflicted
on another person?
Whether it be physically, emotionally.
I've killed people.
I've killed a couple.
All right.
But you know,
sometimes people need to die.
I agree, I agree, man.
That's cool.
Right?
Not everybody deserves to live
or fucking be overcrowded.
I agree.
So sometimes people are sent on this earth
to thin out the herd.
Yes.
And the people I killed were retarded.
So they are fucked.
We have to cut that part.
Yeah.
Like look at traffic, man.
You look at traffic,
now I'm the hero, man.
Thank you.
Traffic.
You hear that?
Yeah.
I'm called heroes in some places.
Yes, you are.
Brandon, what's the worst thing you've ever done?
What?
What's the worst thing that I've done?
Yeah.
To another person.
Man, let me think.
Uh.
He's might, he honestly might've never done anything.
I mean.
I would believe that Brandon never did anything wrong.
I mean, just, I guess when I like,
what's the worst?
Probably, I mean, it's that,
I mean, yeah, that's bad.
I mean, I guess I've been one time beat my friend
like a jump rope,
cause he like tried to take my toy.
Yeah.
But yeah.
That's not bad.
Yeah, because you remember I told you,
like I mean, I was like, I was like, I wanted it.
And then he came up there and he goes,
oh, I'll give it to you then.
And then I got mad, like beating with the jump rope.
Beat him with a jump rope.
Oh yeah.
Not beat him with a jump rope.
No, like with a whip, man.
Like used it like a whip.
That's not that bad.
And stuff like that.
I think both of yours are mild.
Yeah, like that's pretty mild.
What's yours?
I don't know, dude.
Probably, I hit somebody's car and drove away one time.
Oh shit.
That's bad.
Now that's worse than both of theirs.
Yeah, I can.
Yeah.
I was 16, I just got my license like a week before.
Oh dang, you're probably scared.
It was at a shoe carnival.
So they had it coming, dude.
I hit it and my friend was in the car and I was like,
we'll just go, dude.
And I went back, there wasn't any damage done to their car.
It was a big dent, but it didn't.
And then I left and then I came back later.
But like five hours later, I was like,
there's no way they're still here.
And they were not.
So.
I have to admit, I did hit a car too.
Like I did do that too, like at a police station.
What?
That's not the best place.
He's told me this.
Yeah, because I backed up and hit it,
and then my uncle, I was like, oh that's the sidewalk.
My uncle was like, that's not the sidewalk.
I saw the car, I was like, yes the fuck it is.
And I just took off.
A police car?
And the police station?
Yes.
Was it a police car?
No, it wasn't a police car, it's the way.
Sorry.
It was a what?
I don't know what it was, I didn't look.
I just took off, man.
That's all I had time for that.
Like when they were walking away from Sodom and Gomorrah.
Yeah, man.
Brandon was sweating so hard when he drove off.
Man, I just, like literally, I just drove down the street
and then we parked so I could get my,
because we still had to stay there.
So I just drove and then drove down the street and parked.
And I let my uncle go in there and get this like gun permit.
All right.
That's the most Alabama shit I've ever heard in my life.
And then I got one.
You got a gun permit?
Yeah, I do.
You wanna see it?
I got it right now.
I would like to see that.
I ain't supposed to have a gun.
Shit, shit.
This is all the permit I need.
It's a good picture, it's a good picture.
I gotta get a, what's that word?
You don't need a permit anymore, Brandon.
It's better Satan's sorry.
No, you can just go buy, you know when I first got here,
I didn't have a Alabama ID.
Let me see that.
They make you look at the teddy bear on the camera.
And boy, you black as hell.
Yeah, I was black as hell.
I think you were black.
You can't even see yourself.
They don't got lighting for black people.
Yeah.
Ooh, United Healthcare, I forgot I had that.
Let me see that.
Oh, United Healthcare?
All right, there you go.
That's the CEO.
There you go, that's the public.
Why are we just?
Here's my social security card.
What?
There's no way.
I don't think you understand.
I don't wanna see yourself.
Here's a $2 bill if anybody's never seen that.
Is Donald Trump on it?
I don't know, it's Thomas Jefferson.
I do too.
I don't wanna look on.
Thank you everybody.
Why do they say gay is a $2 bill?
That doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, I never got that.
It's queer is a $3 bill.
Is there a $3 bill?
Exactly, that's why.
Why is queer that maddening?
Because queer means different or weird.
Oh, is that what it means?
Yeah.
And people wanna be called that now?
People like to have, like to mean something.
You didn't know that?
I didn't know queer meant different or weird, no.
I didn't either.
I don't brandon's queer.
I barely know regular words.
So I'm a queer, huh?
Well you are queer, not gay.
Well maybe.
You're different or weird, you're...
You're the most queer person I've ever met.
I'm top queer, what does this mean fully?
Please stop.
Cut that as we need that always.
Yeah, let's cut that, I didn't...
Always as a sound bite.
I don't...
I'm top queer.
Not bad, is that bad or something?
I know.
It just means you're different or weird.
You think it's bad.
Come on, man.
Wait, I don't even know what this is.
You're top queer, you already said it.
We gotta end this episode.
Oh, okay.
We went over, when you see the ghostly mom
only come back and go back in and then they went over
because we're having such a good time.
Brandon's a queer?
Okay.
And he's still, he's coming to terms with a couple things.
He's bleeding out of his head.
Please cut that.
Man, I'm...
Please cut that part.
Okay, but look.
Can't help that.
I don't know.
But either you got, this is your camera right here,
anything you got coming up,
let the fans know where they can find you
or your social media and everything.
Nicky J Comedy on Instagram.
I'm doing Homegrown February 15th,
straight to L.
I got a couple apartment shows coming up.
I'm doing a show on February 21st at Shenanigans,
the one that Ty and Pat are putting on.
Okay, okay.
So.
Kids or something.
Hell yeah.
So I'm doing that show.
Yeah, so I got a couple shows coming up in February.
I got an apartment show at the end of the month.
Yeah, you can always probably catch me at an open mic.
Yeah.
Hey, and go check her out,
cause she's hilarious.
This shit, we didn't even get into it today,
but we just had too much fun.
But go see her set.
I mean, it's fucking amazing.
You will have a great time if you go see her.
And like she just said,
she's the only comedian that came on here
in more than two shows.
I don't know if you noticed that.
But.
But go check her out, Nicky Johnson.
Thank you so much for coming on.
Thank you.
Perfect.
Hell yeah.
Good shit.
That was good.
I respect MLK.
There's some things that he did that I wouldn't do.
Like, you know, non-violent.
I'm sorry.
Hey, look, if a German Shepherd's bite my ass,
there's a water hulk coming on me
and some police with sticks coming on me.
It's a 50% chance.
I'm not, I'm not going to make it.
So I'd rather just take something with me before I go.
That would have been my thought.
You know, that would have been my thought.
I'm just saying like,
I watched some civil rights movies
and I see shit on that.
Like, ain't nobody gonna be spitting in my face now.
Like, God damn.
I mean, that's just me.
That's just me.
I was more of a Malcolm X guy, more than anything.
I respect Martin Luther King.
I mean, his way did bring about some change.
I just don't think in 1960
would have been a part of that change.
I probably would have said, man, man, can't get me fucked up.
If a nigga spit on me,
I'm slapping the shit out of his ass.
Life be life.
But then again, you got to think about your families.
Got to think about, you know, what can happen to them.
So it's kind of a slippery slope.
That's, I just can't let nobody spit on me.
Rest in peace, Martin Luther King.
Happy birthday, nigga.
Well, I got the nigga part, please.
I hate Scrappy Dude.