This week on Clown College.
You're a Hufflepuff and all that shit, dude.
That's your vibe.
You are a Hufflepuff.
Yes, I am a Hufflepuff.
A Hufflepuff that hangs with Gryffindors.
Oh, yeah.
That's who you can hang out with.
Yeah, I still hang out with Gryffindors, man.
You got love for them?
Hell yeah, man.
Actually, I like to say I'm in the best of both worlds, man.
But you're not in their world, you just get to visit.
Yeah, and I feel like I have their abilities, too.
Hold on, so that means you would just be Gryffindor?
No, no, but I was chosen to be a Hufflepuff, I am a Hufflepuff.
And I say that proudly.
I'm proud that I'm a Hufflepuff and I'm proud.
Come out, Brandon.
Just do it.
Yeah, I also came out as part Gryffindor, too, so I'm bi in the Harry Potter world.
Well, these guys are going to make fun of you, but I'm proud.
Yeah, because this is the world of Harry Potter.
Yeah.
Welcome to Clown College.
We have profound knowledge.
In many ways, the elevator makes you sound polished.
So if you want to hear a little honest, a few takes on the ways to make it as a comic,
then stick around for a while to fit down to Clown.
We've got the guests right now just to show you how.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
The Michael Clayboy.
If you want to get your washer or dryer fixed for a reasonable price, he'll come out and
steal your money.
He won't provide the service, and he's a bitch.
But he is 27 years a grown man, and he will try to fight you when he's clearly in the
wrong.
So look, we were at work, and I was just like, last night when I get back from the show,
I was just going to text, where's my money, bitch?
Because I know it's done.
I'm not going to get the money back.
I don't care about it now.
I just want to have fun with it.
So I was going to do that, but then I was like, dude, we should prank call him because we're
doing the pod tomorrow.
And then we go start to look at it as like at work.
We start looking them up, and we find out all this.
On his Facebook, we find all this shit.
And he has a lot of guns in his bitches.
A lot of guns.
To where I'm like, if he does come over here, he's probably intent to kill.
So get the taser locked and loaded.
I don't think it's going to stop that guy.
No.
But if you died in a gruesome, violent crime, think about the numbers we would do.
Oh, dude.
And it's in the where we shoot it at.
Yeah.
We would lose the studio.
Yeah, this would become like a museum.
Yeah.
That's exactly what would happen.
Everything would be preserved.
This would be here.
All the Coca-Cola's, what you're holding.
Everything.
The ashes.
What you going to be talking about the ashes?
I got coke.
I got bootleg Ozempic, anybody need it out there?
Oh my gosh, man.
I remember one lady, her genitals burn up from some bad Ozempic or something.
Wretched tide or something like that.
Wretched tide.
And shit bodybuilders use.
And clearly they have the physique of a bodybuilder.
And the only way you can get it is you have to say it's for study purposes.
What?
Yeah.
Like you're in a clinical study?
Yeah.
But you're like, I guess this means I'm administrating.
I'm buying it like I'm administrating into a study.
Like you're running this thing.
Yeah, they're like, are you a teacher or are you a professor?
You're a scientist, what are you?
And I always pick, I always pick scientists.
What are we doing?
You don't have to show any credentials?
None.
They're literal research chemicals.
Yeah, as research chemicals.
But they were.
They did make me almost throw up yesterday.
Damn.
Wow.
I mean, dude, I give you full permission to like if the FDA, an agent comes and has checks
on you and is like, hey man, are you really doing it?
Just stab Brandon in the fucking head.
Tell you what to do is just jab Brandon with it.
Damn.
Set off the hook.
That would be crazy.
Dude, what if you just got jacked, bro?
I'm good, I'm good.
Just randomly.
That'd be awesome.
Yeah, that would, but I know there's like a cost.
To what?
Cost to get like.
The lifting weights?
No, not that.
We could do that.
But I'm talking about like the cost when you do the, cause like what is Ozempic like the
what the.
No, you don't need, he's saying get jacked.
Oh.
You don't use Ozempic to get.
You got like, you could be like Mark Henry big.
Oh, now I'm good.
I mean, I respect it.
I think it's awesome.
Mark Henry, the world's strongest man.
Strongest.
They called him the sexy chocolate.
You know, all that stuff.
He banged the old lady, wasn't it?
Yeah, Mae Young.
Mae Young.
Banged her good.
Had sex with her?
Yes, he did.
I love the Mae Young.
Why?
You don't remember, you never saw this clip?
Man.
Is it on Pornhub?
Cause we can no longer actually see it.
It actually is.
Okay.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah, dude, no.
Like so it's like to the side.
Kinda like this?
Other way.
Keep this up.
Yeah, this is good.
Cause I hear it.
Alright.
I just can't see your beautiful face, Brandon.
Oh, wow.
There you go.
Look at this.
Oh my god.
Look at this.
Hold on, here's that picture.
No, when they're in the bed.
Go to video.
Oh, you wanna see the bed?
They get in the bed?
They're banging, dude.
Had to have been a California king, dude.
Oh, I mean, it can't be anything else.
Alright, hold up.
Why is WWE always got some weird sexual shit in there?
Where it going, picture?
Right here.
Yeah, there it goes.
Can you see that?
You can't see it.
That's them in the bed.
Yeah.
I mean, I'll take your word for it.
This is gonna be like a horror reveal.
Oh yeah, let them see that.
Oh my god.
Why, man?
She passed away, didn't she?
Yeah, 2018, I believe.
Dude, she was like 90 there.
She lasted until 2018.
I do remember when Bubba Ray Dudley powered on her through a table while she was already
super elderly.
Now, I like that.
This, get this out of here.
Oh, 2014, my bad, four years off.
Did you see the documentary when he was like, May Young was like, it's slamming through
the table.
He was like, I don't want to hurt you.
And she was like, no, you're going to slam me through this table.
She had to be at least 80 something.
That's pretty sick, dude.
Yeah, she died at 90.
She was in her 80s.
See?
90 getting thrown the fuck around.
See, if you get like, this just goes to show you can live for a long time if you're a wrestler
if you're not coked up and on steroids.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe-
You can do one or the other.
You can't do both together.
That's where they mess up.
Yeah.
Can't do both together.
No.
Because I mean, she looks like she got wild back in the day.
But women were never jacked really before now.
Yeah.
I'm throwing something now.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, I have a few theories myself.
What are you thinking?
Are you thinking they're doing testosterone or are you thinking they're doing like the
trend and all that like a D-ball without the testosterone?
I think they got like girly designer steroids.
They don't.
They got like, it's called something cute, you know, you order it and it comes in like
a bag.
It's just something weird, bro.
It's just D-ball.
D-ball.
But it's cute though.
It's got like Hello Kitty on it, you know.
Powerpuff Girls.
Could be.
Yeah.
I respect that.
Which Powerpuff Girl are you?
Man, I don't.
Brandon, you're Bubbles, man.
I haven't really watched Powerpuff Girls.
He's Bubbles.
Are you Bubbles or Violet?
I don't know the characters.
I've seen a picture of him.
Okay, would you rather be Bubbles, Violet, what's the other one?
Buttercup.
I guess I'll just pick the green one.
That's the mean one.
What's the name?
I don't know her name.
Bubbles.
Violet or Buttercup.
Is it Violet?
I don't know.
Maybe I just made that up.
I mean, I guess I'll pick Bubbles.
I have no Buttercup and Bubbles.
I imagine the other one starts with a B as well.
I do Bubbles, you know.
We all make Bubbles.
Yeah.
Bubbles.
You would be Bubbles.
Yeah, I'd be Bubbles.
Because you're a Hufflepuff and all that shit, dude.
That's your vibe.
You are a Hufflepuff.
Yes, I am a Hufflepuff.
A Hufflepuff that hangs with Gryffindors.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That's who you are.
That's who you can hang out with.
Yeah, I still hang out with Gryffindors, man.
You got love for them?
Hell yeah, man.
Actually, I like to say I'm in the best of both worlds, man.
But you're not in their world.
You just get to visit.
Yeah, and I feel like I have their abilities, too.
Hold on.
So that means you would just be Gryffindors?
No, no.
But I'm also... So I was chosen to be a Hufflepuff.
I am a Hufflepuff.
And I say that proudly.
I'm proud that I'm a Hufflepuff and I'm proud.
Come out, Brandon.
Just do it.
Yeah, I've also came out as part Gryffindor, too, so I'm bi in the Harry Potter world.
Well, these guys are going to make fun of you, but I'm proud, man.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah, man, because you're the world of Harry Potter.
Come on, man.
Yeah.
You can do whatever you want in that world.
Yes, you can.
Yeah.
Gryffindor.
If you want to be bi, you be bi.
Yes, I am.
Gryffindor and Hufflepuff.
You do something gay, go back in time, it never happens.
It doesn't.
Magic.
And they can do that in Hufflepuff.
Which one?
Gryffindor or Hufflepuff?
All of them.
All of them can do that.
Get the time turner, give it a few spins, dude.
You never even sucked that dick, man.
They don't do that in the Harry Potter world.
Well, I don't know which ones you wouldn't want to do.
They don't be doing the sex in the Harry Potter world?
I thought that's what you... Why are you talking?
Well, how do you think they're there?
I don't know.
I'm trying to... I don't know.
You know what?
Fuck it, they do do that stuff.
I guess they do.
That's okay.
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.
No, you didn't, man.
Dude, they do it.
You think it was this... You thought, how did you think they got there?
I don't know.
I had the babies and stuff.
Brandon, I think sex kind of exists in every universe.
You know what?
Actually, you know what?
I agree.
Yeah.
I agree.
That's a hot take.
I agree.
Yeah, every movie you see, every cartoon.
That's weird.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's weird.
Where the fuck do you think Elmo came from?
Two Muppets.
Boom.
Which ones?
What's the one that looked like a rag?
What's his name?
Oscar the Grouch?
No, there's one that looks like a rag.
It's a dark purple kind of like violet.
Grover?
No, not Grover.
He's the one... He's kind of purple.
He's kind of red in a way.
Oh, man, I don't know his name.
Let me see.
Let's put purple rag.
Are you saying rag?
It looks like a rag.
When I was a kid and I took a bath, I would think about that Muppet because I was like,
dude, this thing looks just like it.
Are you talking about Tauley from South Park?
No.
Dude, that's the first thing that came to mind.
He just had a purple rag.
No.
Hold on.
Let me see.
Elmo, what was that movie?
When he got... Purple rag Elmo?
You remember the Elmo movie when he fell in the trash can, is in the trash world?
Yeah.
I do remember that.
Yeah.
You remember that?
That's where he was on.
It was like an early MCU.
You ever watch that?
What?
Oh, wait, man.
Dude, that came out 2001.
I have no idea what you guys are talking about.
We should watch it.
No.
Yes.
That would be least on the list of things to watch.
It's like if Sesame Street got gritty.
It's really good.
Not really.
I think you made this character up.
Yeah.
No, no.
Hold on.
Brandon, I'm almost positive.
I think this was something that you needed to protect.
Yeah.
Let's see.
Elmo characters.
From some other things.
Elmo universe.
I was a kid.
I used to whoop his ass so bad all the time.
Yeah.
The purple blanket of chastity from Sesame Street that protects you from all the evil
family members that you have.
Oh, my God.
Hold on.
He's one of these characters.
Brandon, it's okay.
I mean, sometimes you just- Brandon, I think we're going to have to call it on this one.
Yeah.
That's crazy, man.
It is.
Dude, because he's- You don't think you just had a purple-
No, I swear on- I guess-
On Dom's life?
Dom's life?
Would you put it on his life?
I mean, yeah.
You know what?
I will because guess what?
What the fuck?
Because guess what?
It's real.
I promise you.
Dude, I'm telling you, this thing is real.
But why did you say yes right off the bat?
Because you're not going to die because it's real.
This is real.
I promise you it's real.
We did all this research.
Haven't seen anything about a purple rug.
Guess what?
Yes, we did.
There he is right there.
That one.
That's who I'm talking about.
That's that purple Knorr rug.
But it looks like a rug when he walks around.
It's that purple.
Look, you see the folds?
That one's scary looking.
Yes.
And it's like a wet rag when you shower or bathe.
I remember being a kid and getting bathed and being like, this is exactly what the hell
looks like.
It's not purple though.
Or red.
It's not.
He kind of just made out of the same material as others.
It's a mixture of both kind of.
With his blue eyes.
Those are not blue.
No, I'm talking about the eyelids.
Am I fucking crazy?
The eyelids.
Look, the eyelids are blue.
What the fuck?
Brandon, go to... Just go to images of Gina.
That's who he's talking about.
Gina.
Okay, Gina.
This is a female.
It's already on there.
You just got to press images.
All right, hold on.
I mean, he has to be.
What is that?
Oh, I'm already here.
Okay.
So Gina images.
Oh, that's purple.
Oh, fuck.
Well, okay, but just go to that one.
That's a red puppet.
Hold on.
Let me click on this one.
Look at this.
You see that one?
It's still red.
Still red.
Maroon.
There we go.
It's red.
Like Crimson Tide.
That would be Crimson.
Crimson.
F.
It's a list.
Don't attack me.
Well, thank God I'm not dying because clearly this is a purple rag.
Yes.
Thank you, man.
See, I knew he was real.
Somebody would have blew my fucking head off.
But guess what?
I know it is.
That dude that fucking with the dryer shit.
It's a micro mic.
He might come in here with a Tommy gun because you put this shit on my life.
It's not purple, man.
I'm dead now.
No, man.
Dude, he look like a rag though.
Doesn't it?
I mean, I don't even...
It looks like a rag.
That means every puppet looks like a rag besides Big Bird.
Yeah, man.
Elmo a little bit, man.
A little bit, man.
Me and Nathan, you guys remember Nathan, man?
We used to whoop Elmo's ass every week, man.
Are you talking about that guy we just met?
Yeah, that dude.
Do we remember him from last week?
Yes, man.
Dude, after school, every time we come home, we just wrestle this Elmo, man.
He'd get on the mattress and just do F1.
What are those things called?
F5s and RKLs.
It was a good time.
Then my mom would get mad.
I was like, what the fuck?
I'm not gonna do that.
Yeah, it's like these.
Oh my gosh.
Yes.
All right, well click on one then.
Okay.
Oh my gosh.
Here go this one.
And it was like, they called it the stroger,
something like that, right?
How much do these cost?
I think it was around 20 or 24,
because when I looked at it, I was like, okay, I don't know.
Around about 24 with tax?
Yeah, that's just me guessing,
because that's how much the football one cost,
but you know, inflation could have popped up on it.
It's called the oceanic ecstasy.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
It's like having sex with the spirit of the ocean.
Ooh, they have to look at that.
Let me tell you, if you're a young man,
and you go to Spencer's Gifts, and you buy one of these,
you are gay.
If you want to have sex with something
that feels like the spirit of the ocean, you like men.
Oh, they like sea creatures.
Dolphins.
Yeah, dolphins and dolphins.
And dolphins will do it back to you.
Yep, they will bang you.
I'm not saying I support it.
You can't be supporting this stuff.
Dude, you can do- That one's called the predator.
Because dolphins are, well-
Dolphins were raping, man.
That is, I didn't see that.
Yeah.
And it's called a predator.
Let's get off of that.
It's called a predator creature stroker.
Yeah, you're on your own with that one.
Nah, man, fuck that one.
Oh!
Oh, that's the, oh!
Oh my God.
Jesus, you got me into some fucked up shit.
Yeah, that was crazy when I looked at it.
I was like, that's wild as hell, man.
The alien visitor.
I know.
Can you read some of the description?
Look at this, it says you got sci-fi fantasy,
soft and squishy, textured inner tunnel,
intense suction, phylatetate free,
whatever the fuck that means,
freemium silicone, and this is called creature cocks.
That's weird as hell.
Sponsor us, please!
What the fuck?
Sponsor us!
You know what's even, look at this!
What the fuck?
And it got eyes on the side.
You get it.
That's from an anime, I don't remember.
Oh my God.
Go that, what's the picture right below it?
Look at that one, you can play with his.
It's a boar's head.
Yeah, this is too much.
They're going too far.
They're polluting the mind of our young.
That's what I'm about to say.
This is why everybody's so fucked up, dude.
Damn.
You can't fuck this.
Because you're fucking a boar's head.
Yeah.
On some border of the fly shit, dude.
I mean, this is, I can't believe this is real,
and I can't believe you bought one.
No, I didn't buy one.
It was $24, it was Christmas time.
No, man, this is not part of the holiday season.
Go down to the left second row from the bottom.
All the way to the left.
Now those are the creature cocks for real.
Oh, that's the Fulu actually.
Oh, that's actually some kind of religious thing.
Grinder.
Okay, so it's a grind thing.
It's a pussy grinder?
Yeah, it's a pussy grinder.
What do they use these for?
Oh, it's a go back and forth and rock with, like a horse.
Guys, we gotta talk about something else, man.
We cannot be supporting this.
This is disturbing.
What the fuck, a zebra?
Yeah, we gotta change this.
This ain't right.
This is wrong.
No, click on that website.
Does that say bizarre beast?
It's a zebra pussy, Alex.
An asshole.
Oh, it's a combo.
If you wanna know about the asshole.
It's a combo pack.
What the, look at me.
Oh, no, hold on, hold on.
Well, that's a better image to use in an actual zebra.
Hold on, I gotta go back a little bit.
These are horrendous.
This is the worst.
I can't believe this is a thing.
What the hell?
I can't believe what's going on right now
and this actually exists.
Madagascar 2 going crazy, man.
I like to move it.
Yeah, you like to move, man.
Let's move out of this, I'll tell you that.
Do you ever get your nails done?
No.
Like your feet pedicure, manicure, nail line?
No, man, never.
You don't believe in it?
I don't like painted fingernails specifically,
and toenails too, on men or women.
Really?
If you get the clear coat or French tip, you know,
that's fine, but if you get the paint,
you get the paint that starts chipping
or you get the acrylics and I can see your fucking
nail beds growing out under it,
fuck that and fuck you, bro.
I don't like that.
I really don't.
I don't think I know how to feel about it.
Like I got a pedicure once
because I wanted my ingrown toenail out.
I figured they would do it.
They told me they can't do it.
And then it just hurt worse after I got it.
They probably didn't have the heavy duty equipment
to get rid of it.
They didn't have the toenail.
They had a toenail.
And it's all about, it's the steak knife.
It's better than any tool they have in anything.
It's the steak knife.
Would you-
Because you can cut, you can saw and pick.
So you need a serrated blade.
You do.
You do, absolutely.
But they don't have that there.
Well, let's see what Mike GBT has to say about men
at the, you know, taking care of themselves pretty much.
I need to know.
Niggas getting fucking metrosexual and shit,
getting their toenails cut.
Niggas on the edge of the bed with their feet
in the air with their toes out, cutting their nails on them.
What kind of shit in front of niggas at the park?
They're cutting their toenails.
They got lotion on their feet.
What kind of shit is that?
Niggas putting lotion on his feet in front of you
and his kneecaps and cutting his toenails.
Ask what you finna get him to.
You better go on fight that nigga right there.
That nigga trying to hit you.
For real, he could be trying to hit you.
He's cutting his toenails in front of you.
I try to keep from laughing at it
because the shit is serious.
It's serious if a nigga is really going through life
and cutting toenails in front of his homeboys.
His homeboys sitting there watching
like I can't believe this shit.
I just cut mine last night in front of my daddy.
He cutting the dog's toenails.
Meanwhile, the other dogs out in the garage
hunting this shit too.
Two million dollars in the garage.
He got two million dollars with him big yellow.
They're hunting the hell out of each other.
The fuck they're in heat with each other.
The fuck need to get them dogs a stud.
No, I know you don't.
Go get a stud finder.
Search through the wall.
I got a question.
I got a question that's hit me.
Come over here and say it in the mic.
Yeah, come over here.
Howdy ever, howdy gang.
All right, so this question was posed
over Christmas dinner recently.
How many sheets of toilet paper do you all use per wipe?
Like per wiping session.
Okay. And go.
Great question.
This is what we need to be talking about.
So we probably have to get like a calculation
because I'm sure everybody here
just rolls over the hand, right?
Well, I'll wait to share my thoughts.
Okay, okay.
So I'm not gonna roll over the hand and keep it rolled up,
but I roll over.
So I'll say at least 10 sheets on each wipe, right?
And I'm wiping minimum of about nine times.
Me too.
So that's 90.
And we'll just use the average and then say it's 90 squares.
90 squares.
Two ply, three?
Only Charmin do the heavy stuff.
We don't do it, yeah.
I hate, you don't, hey, don't cheap on fucking toilet paper.
Yeah, don't do that.
You piece of shit.
That's the worst.
If you cheap on, if you,
unless you're draining, just can't handle it,
get fucking Charmin or get some kind of equivalent
or the Costco or the Sam's Club brand,
anything like that that has fucking plys to it.
You piece of shit.
I agree.
I was at an establishment recently
and there was just a bounty paper towel roll.
Oh my God.
Sitting on the back of the tank.
That'll clean you though.
You probably need less of those.
Yeah. Less than 90.
Your asshole comes off with it, but I mean, you know.
What you guys got?
I don't use toilet paper, man.
I'm a baby wipe guy.
Oh, okay, thank goodness.
JJ for a second, there's like no way he's by the towel.
No, no, I don't have a bidet.
I've never tried one.
I'm not opposed to it.
You do a little gargoyling?
Dude, I got you.
You would have to adjust the settings
and that would be some unfortunate trial and error.
But.
It would get everywhere.
No, I'm not gargoyling while I'm wiping.
Let's not get crazy here, dude.
That would be the best way to wipe.
So you sit back down to wipe.
Well, now this is sitting versus standing wiping.
That's its whole, that's a whole other conversation.
That's a different thing, okay.
So, okay, so you don't, so you never use toilet paper.
If I'm like, I would say 90% of the time I take a shit,
it's at my house.
And I always have baby wipes stocked up.
The 10% of the time while I'm not at my house,
I use the toilet paper and I'll go, I have a system.
I go three squares, but fold it in half,
fold it in half again.
No way.
That creates the bed, that's optimal.
From my asshole.
Yeah, but you.
That's what my mom does.
Okay, but look, what about the spill,
for the first wipe when there's spillage around the.
I don't have that problem.
My stool is pretty solid, man.
Not like hard, but it stays together.
Well, I did that.
Yeah.
No, I get my fiber and my protein in, it's pretty.
But how many times are you doing that?
Now here's where everything's gonna fall apart with this.
The reason, everybody that knows me well
and is hung out with me knows that if I take shit,
it is 30 minutes minimum I'm in the bathroom.
I respect that.
I've never seen nothing lower than 45.
And it's because most of that time is spent wiping.
Because I have a thing, I have to get it out, dude.
I can't have a dirty asshole, man.
I feel like that's morally wrong and reprehensible.
Yeah.
So, I mean, if we're using baby wipes,
I'll go, the way I position it on my hand
is I'll be more dominant on one side.
Then move it to the middle, in the middle,
move it again to the left, then on the other side,
fold it in half, and then one with just the half.
Throw it away.
And I probably do that 25 times.
So 25 baby wipes, but 75 wiping motions
because of the three per, or four, I saw 100 times.
You do 25 fucking baby wipes in one setting in the bathroom?
Dude, you could eat soup out of my asshole, man.
It's clean, bro.
It's clean.
25 baby wipes in one setting.
Your sewage is fucked up.
Oh, I don't throw, I don't flush them.
What do you do?
I keep them in a jar.
No, but I throw them in the trash,
and then I just bag up the trash can like three times,
and I take it outside.
I don't keep it in my house like a weirdo.
All right.
So you're, okay, hold on.
So you're, right after you shit,
you take the bag out that you just had
all your shit papers in?
Yeah.
So right after.
I don't let it sit.
You don't let it sit?
No, bro.
Okay.
No.
And do you immediately take it out?
Yeah.
I wash my hands first, take it out,
come back in, wash my hands again.
Respect.
This is outrage.
It's a thorough process.
I mean, your shitting habits are mind-blowing.
Yeah.
I mean, it's a...
I mean, just in this life that we have on this earth,
you gotta find enjoyment in something.
This is my process, dude.
Brandon, how you feel about that?
Brandon, you remember at the Shenanigan show
when you smelled my feet, dude?
Yes.
You remember how they smelled?
It smelled very fresh, man.
I'm gonna be honest.
It was like some breeze.
I promise you my asshole's the same way.
All right.
We can, that'll be our video for this week.
I give you applause.
You wanna applause?
Well, you guys will check it out for the skit for the week.
There you go, that's your applause.
So if you take every comic in Huntsville
and COVID swabbed asshole,
mine's part per million least amount of fecal particles,
dude.
I promise you.
Mine probably has the most by...
And I don't doubt that at all, dude.
Yeah.
Except for maybe Pat.
There's no way Pat gets clean.
There's no way he can reach around there.
There's no way.
No.
Not a chance.
I've seen Pat taking a shit night against my will.
In a fully packed fucking bar with a...
It's only, it has two bathrooms, unisex bathrooms.
You got the gall to go in there
and just drop a deuce and not lock the door.
Was he, did he have his shirt off?
Might as well.
At this point where we're at,
what I've seen, what's etched into my brain,
probably pops up every once.
Once a day is the vision of Pat sitting on the toilet.
And it's exactly how you would expect it to look.
The shirt was like, he just had it up because, you know,
and then over the...
So he didn't have to cover up.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to cover it,
but he's a beautiful black man, ain't he?
Yes, he is.
All right, Brandon, how many times you write?
How much toilet paper do you use?
Hell yeah, I'm gonna tell you in one second,
I gotta see what the hell is going on right now.
Real quick, who the fuck keeps...
Hold on, let me see, what the fuck?
Is everything all right, Brandon?
What?
Oh shit.
What, you wanna show us something?
Not, no, no.
What's up?
What are you having there?
Oh shit.
Are you okay?
It's just some crazy shit just happened.
Cause she was like, we were watching some rats
and one of them was like sick and then they died.
Oh shit.
Rats?
Yeah.
Someone's pet.
Yeah.
Yes.
Damn.
She was watching.
Y'all watching me when I'm done on her watch.
Yeah, they died.
Does the other person know yet?
I don't know, I have to ask.
Cause they were sick and she was trying to feed them
and take care of them.
Did the person know they were sick?
Yes.
Hold up, she keeps...
You mind if I ask this?
Yeah, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll cut it out.
Hello?
Dude, it's so fucking crazy.
My brother has rats.
What happened?
She said they were old.
I definitely can't, we're shooting a...
Can we finish this real quick?
And I'll be down there?
Do they know?
And she said it was because they were old?
As soon as we finish, I'll go down there.
All right, I'm tired.
I'll talk to you later.
Love you, goodbye.
Damn it, man, I love that rat.
You did?
Dude, yes.
Cause dude, the other day I just met it
and he ran, like as soon as he saw me,
I have a weird connection to animals,
he ran out and then jumped on me and I loved him.
And then like when he got tired,
he ran under my crotch and just like laid on me.
He ran under my crotch and just like laid there
and like went to bed.
You can't do that, Brandon.
You can't do that.
See, now he's gone, man.
You can't do that.
That's what he would do every day.
See, okay, it wasn't normal the entire fucking time
and then you said that.
Brandon, I'm sorry for your loss,
but that's the craziest fucking thing anybody has ever said.
I'm gonna fucking love that rat.
No, I'm sorry, I'm not making fun of you,
but that's insane.
You laid on my balls, man.
Oh, I'm sorry, Brandon, I'm sorry.
I had pants on, man.
No, I did not.
Thank you, Richard Gear, the rat.
I got pants on, rest in peace.
Oh my gosh, that's horrible.
What was the rat's name, man?
It's the first, hold on.
I just met these rats two days ago, man.
Yeah, I know you cared about them a lot.
Dude, I got damn, I'm in so much shock,
I forgot the names, I'll tell you guys later.
Okay.
When I find out.
I knew someone, that's sad, that's sad.
Who owns the rats?
I was like one of her friends,
but thankfully they knew,
like they said it was because they were getting old,
probably, and one of them had the flu and stuff, so.
I didn't know they could get the flu.
Oh yeah, yeah, we kept trying to have
fetal medicine and everything.
So horrible, man.
You gave them like Theraflu?
Yeah, like they had it all set up, thankfully.
Not Theraflu, but like they had it.
Like a real rat?
Yeah, like real, yeah, like what they got
from like a pharmacist's vet place, and they set it up.
Okay.
Yeah, cause they sell pet rats, dude.
Yeah.
I thought they just sold them for snakes.
Oh no, man, dude, they sell pet rats that have pet rats,
man, like these rats were huge and glorious, man.
And you know what sucks?
I was just getting over my guinea pigs, Def,
and then getting bonded with them.
But so. Rodents, man.
When you say rat, you mean like.
Rat rat, like ratatouille rat.
I was feeling this thing's tail.
How, how. Naked.
How big, can you get a frame of reference?
It was like probably around this.
Oh my, hold on, that was under your fucking balls?
Yeah, it was on my balls too, I have a picture.
I have a picture, we had good moments.
That means that if it's that big.
And then it crawled up, and then he would try to go in here
and I was like, oh, okay.
Brandon, that's a ferret.
No, it was a rat, no, because it's tail,
I'm counting the tail too.
Okay.
His tail was this long, he was about right here.
Brandon, if the rat is that big,
that means it's at least this tall,
that means your general made contact with the rat,
yes or no?
Yes or no?
I guess so.
I guess so. So you guess or.
We're just gonna say, okay, yeah.
But then again, it's because dude,
it's like he was trying to sit, it was sitting on my lap.
It was sitting on my lap.
If that's the case, Christmas just came,
take Santa to fucking jail.
No, no, yeah.
You know what I mean?
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, no, take him.
I feel you.
Man, if a rat can't sit on my lap,
nobody can sit on anybody's lap.
And there was two rats.
Yes.
And they both passed.
They were both sick.
They both died?
Yes.
Oh man.
Both?
Yes.
They're pack animals.
Yeah, I guess.
They're pack animals.
Yeah.
Well, let's say rest in peace,
wish we knew the name, but let's all have
a moment of silence right now.
Rest in peace.
Anyways, probably about 12 toilet paper rolls.
I forgot.
It's probably.
12 rolls?
Or not, my bad, not rolls, probably 12 pieces.
That's it?
No, like I'll start off with 12 pieces each time.
Like I'll get like 12 rolls.
Yeah, but how many?
No, you got, so I said.
Okay.
Like an estimate, because I keep going
until there's like blood, because I'm like nervous
and nature, I'm like, dude, there can't be nothing.
I don't want nothing.
So I like to keep going until we see a little bit of red.
Yeah.
How many do I?
Because red means stop.
Oh yeah, yeah.
It was so bad that I think we got,
what's that thing called that we share, Pat Don?
The thing that we had, what's that thing?
Fissures.
What's that thing called?
Hemorrhoids.
Hemorrhoids, yes.
Yeah, I started getting stuff like that from that.
Fissures.
Yeah, and it's a, yeah, because you know,
that and then when I was young,
I was always doing the number two, one, two, and three,
if you know what I mean.
No.
Calm, shit, and piss?
Yes, basically.
What?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
And then after that, you go shower.
We in there for like two hours.
Did you wipe front and back whenever you did that one?
What?
Wipe front and back?
What?
What do you mean front and back?
I wipe my ass all the time.
I fucking hate anything about this episode.
Bing dong hole too?
You're so stupid.
You're so crap.
You know, I was, I'd like to take this time
because I told her I would.
My mom just found out about the podcast and she said,
I'm watching the next episode that comes out.
So.
Are you serious?
Damn.
Yeah.
Hey, hello.
Hey, Mama JJ.
Hope you had a good Christmas.
This made it better, man.
100%.
She won't get to this part.
No.
This is the way she gets to this part.
She probably clocked out around creature cocks.
We spent a long time on that too,
but it was jarring.
I mean, it was shock, you know, and then.
We were against it.
This has been an eventful episode.
It has, man.
It has.
Dude, guess what happened earlier, man.
I thought my mom gave me a necklace or,
what is that thing called?
A bracelet?
Yes.
Or a watch.
It was a bracelet.
She gave me a bracelet when I was like younger
and I was wearing it the whole day.
And then when I was in the bathroom,
my right hand, I broke it
and it fell off all over the floor and shit.
And then when I started to reach out,
I looked and I was like, man, I gotta search up what this is.
It was a P. Diddy bracelet, man.
This whole time I was rocking it,
I just picked it all up and put it in the bag.
It was his brand?
Yeah, so I could try to re-fix it.
It just broke so easily.
Sean John?
Yep.
Right off my hand, man.
It was fucked up.
Sean John makes good products.
Is that his real name?
Yeah. Sean John.
Sean Diddy Combs.
Sean Combs.
Where's the John come from?
Sean.
Yeah, because sometimes you have to dress it up.
Make it fancy.
Like Don Juan.
But James Bond.
Ron John.
I think that's just his name.
James Bond.
That's just his name.
Yeah.
Yeah, because they got famous because of him.
Because of James Bond.
The fictional character James Bond.
Yeah, and then Sean Connery, of course.
Another Sean.
I like my skark shaking, my skirk.
Yes, yes.
Sean Connery or Sean Combs?
Talking about Sean Connery.
You taking him over?
Dude, they should make a James Bond
where P. Diddy is the villain.
With a Diddy raid, like James Bond goes in there.
And you know, he like.
Starts knocking out prostitutes.
Just hitting children.
He pushes over all the vials of baby oil
and like blocks the hallway.
That would be a crazy fucking scene
of James Bond fighting in baby oil.
You know, the whole thing.
Like that's P. Diddy's tactic.
I imagine it's like in.
Yeah.
It's like spray baby oil everywhere.
And you slip and shit.
That's his thing.
He just pours it around him.
Yeah.
Dude, I imagine it'd be like a Mission Impossible.
That one where Henry Cavill was in, the old Superman.
Yeah, yeah.
And they're in that bathroom fighting
but just baby oil everywhere.
Just super well choreographed.
But just baby oil everywhere.
Exactly.
That would be tight.
Strip clubs should start having Diddy parties
where instead of like spaghetti wrestling,
it's baby oil wrestling.
He said, well, Alex just said
the strip clubs should have Diddy parties.
And I don't know if that's the direction they should go.
They shouldn't agree more.
They would have to work overtime.
Yeah.
There's no days off.
No day off.
That with Diddy.
Well, do strippers get an hourly rate?
Not doubt it.
Like $2?
They did.
Like a dollar, right?
Or something like that.
Whatever the minimum tip server is.
Yeah, that's like $2.54.
Okay.
I think in Alabama, which is crazy.
But if they work overtime, they're getting like five bucks.
Yeah.
Plus tips.
Stop being so fucking ungrateful about shit.
Unreal, man.
What are you gonna do?
This world's a madhouse.
You're making it matter.
I mean, it's one of those episodes
where I have to go back and listen
and realize what just happened.
It's crazy.
A lot of things.
Happen rapidly.
Yeah.
Life is wild as shit.
I love how you finished off the wiping question after.
No, you really brought it full circle.
You did.
Thank you, man.
I like that.
Appreciate it.
Hey, people practice for years to get shit like that.
And you just do it naturally.
Yeah, man, I do shit a lot, man.
I do shit a lot.
I wasn't talking about the actual shit.
Brandon also said earlier,
when we were just talking out in the living room,
that he has eight bowel movements a day sometimes.
Sometimes.
We're gonna work on that.
Do you wipe till you bleed every time?
Yes, since I was 12.
Strangely specific.
Since I was 12 years old.
So if you shit eight times in a day.
Well, not every day.
Sometimes it'll change.
But if it is an eight day,
do you wipe until you bleed all eight times?
Well, yeah, and then sometimes.
It just gets easier?
No, no, no, because sometimes I'll be like,
okay, we're gonna keep going,
and you keep going till you don't even see blood sometimes.
A little bit.
You just gotta keep going.
Sometimes.
But you know, if you wipe till you see blood,
and then you shit again, it's gonna, you know.
Yeah, that's why after that,
you gotta keep going even like,
keep going until it's gone.
So you gotta go with,
because you have blood and stool.
Yeah, so you just go on.
And you just have to go until it's just blood.
Or until a light track of blood.
Like light.
Light track of blood.
Yeah, where you don't see really anything.
Yeah.
So why y'all?
So you got a hemorrhoid in your ass?
I used to, it's gone now, thankfully.
But it comes back.
It hibernates.
It flares, yep.
It'll come back one day.
It's like frosty, the snowman.
Oh yeah, man.
Yeah, exactly like that.
You know, except less friendly.
And more painful.
Yeah.
And more traumatizing.
Yeah.
So bad, man, I remember when I was a kid,
I would freak out when I would look at the toilet
and jump up and run out the bathroom
and go grab my mom and ask for help.
Because I thought.
You had hemorrhoids back then?
Yeah, when I was in like middle school, sometimes.
And then I would run to her
and be like, I need, hey, what's this?
And I did this until I was like,
junior in high school.
You know, I freak out, man.
You'd run and ask your mom to help?
Hold on.
Because I'd be like, yo, there's so much blood
in this toilet, man, am I dying?
You said junior in high school?
But it just seemed.
Oh, it was bad.
It seems like.
I didn't know what it was.
I still didn't know.
But like, after the first time you do it
and your mom explains to you what it is.
And then for four years after that, you kept.
Yeah, but it was like, it got like,
I'm because dude, let's say it gets where you look up.
Oh my gosh, man.
It's like this Coca-Cola bottle.
I'm scared.
How would you describe the toilet water?
Man, it looked like fucking, well, let's see.
Like it was roll tide, but it was roll tide.
Like the beaches of Norman.
So it's maroon?
Red.
Well, not that, not dark.
Is it dark or is it light?
Not dark, not dark.
Because I think that matters.
Light, it's light, not dark.
Is it just red?
Yes.
There's no brown.
No dark.
Well, no.
You gotta have.
It depends on the day.
Brandon, if you were shitting pure blood.
Not pure blood, but it would be like.
Well, you know.
Yeah, like a.
No, it's pure blood at that point.
Yeah, thankfully it doesn't happen.
It's blood dripping down from the hemorrhoid, dude.
It doesn't happen that much.
Do you ever poke it in like that?
No, no.
You don't ever?
No, man, I don't wanna do that.
So look.
It's horrible.
I'm gonna tell all you kids out there.
Now, there's different things.
If you got a boil, now he's talking about the hemorrhoids.
Ooh, those are worse.
Yeah, you got those too?
How old are you?
Man, dude, I don't even, man.
They say 21, man.
You never know.
That's what they say.
Yeah.
I don't know.
They be lying at the doctor's office.
Man, wait till I really get old, man.
Dude, you might be from the Dominican Republic
and you're like 40, bro.
Yeah, be one of this shit.
There's a decent chance.
And that would make sense with your obsession
with the radios and older things,
because culturally they are a little bit behind.
Yeah.
You're really old in mind, body, and soul.
Yeah.
Because your body being the hemorrhoids
and boils and such.
It's weird.
Yeah.
It's not normal.
It sucks that we got build-
I can't believe you had hemorrhoids.
I gotta know of more people out there if you would comment.
Did you have hemorrhoids in middle school, you're saying?
Yes, eighth grade.
I didn't.
Fuck were you benching it?
Are you squatting?
What are you doing?
I mean, I did, I mean, in high school, but like-
But no, I'm talking, this is middle school.
Oh yeah, I mean, a little, yeah,
I had to, a little bit, football.
You don't remember the first time you got one?
What'd you do the day before, something like that?
No, man, dude, that's crazy,
because shit will always happen.
And I don't remember what probably caused it.
Like recently now, I've been punched all this time.
Like when we were at that holiday Kindle thing,
I couldn't even eat at Guffreys, man.
Oh yeah.
Like that happens a lot now.
And that's, and Brandon was hurting when we were at Guffreys.
Yes, I was hurting horribly, man.
You were hurting, but also emotionally you were hurting.
He was very upset that he couldn't get any food.
Yeah, I couldn't get any Guffreys, man.
It's not like I'm gonna go there normally on my own.
You shouldn't, and you shouldn't go to that one.
No, no, man.
On your own. They gotta call people,
get a crew, it's crazy, man.
Call people.
I'm talking about the call to Guffreys.
You should not go to Coleman, Guffreys, Guffreys.
Oh yeah, yeah.
But they said they were nice.
They said there was no.
Shit.
What?
Well, yeah, it's nice until it's just me.
No, I'm serious.
Yeah.
And I don't know.
Shit.
Yeah.
We learned something about each other today,
so that's good.
Yeah.
In high school, I had an ulcer in my anus,
and I was prescribed medicine from the doctor,
and I had to put a glove on and get it up there.
No, man.
Every day.
So you had to stick your finger up there?
JJ, no.
How deep was it?
Say a knuckle and a half.
Oh, shit.
Knuckle and a half.
That's deep.
So the whole finger.
Yeah, and you know, you gotta get up there,
you gotta start it, so you gotta get the overage.
You know what I'm saying?
So if this is the ulcer right here,
you can't just go down.
You have to get a little bit above it
to really get the full.
Man.
The full body of the ulcer slathered in the medication.
Okay, okay.
How'd this make you feel?
It was medically necessary.
I felt like I did what I had to do.
I wasn't proud of it, but my shame lies in other areas.
That ain't true that, man.
Hell yeah.
Ha ha ha!
Brandon, let's say I had an ulcer again.
Like, let's say I contracted one soon,
and I was in an accident where I broke both of my arms.
Damn, man. Good question.
Do you think that you could help me out?
If I was like, Brandon, look, man, I hate to ask you,
but like, my arms, I can't move them, they're in cast,
I can't even like get around to get in there.
Can you put this glove on,
and can you put this medication on my ulcer in my ass?
Can you finger my ass?
But for medical reasons.
Medical reasons, man.
Yeah, well, we would never have to speak about it
except for the next podcast when I talked about it.
So just one time?
Just one time.
So what would you do?
Wouldn't you do it?
That wasn't the question.
Yeah, he's asking you,
are you gonna help him in his time of need?
Am I gonna help him in his time of need?
My understanding right now is that we're friends.
Would you do this for me?
You have to answer his question.
Okay, so wait, so you say you will?
Dude, of course, I'll do it in a heartbeat.
So you'll only finger his ass,
or he'll finger yours?
Well, look here, I don't want you doing that.
Hell, I don't even want the fucking, what is that thing?
Why are you so aggressive?
I don't even want a prosthetic exam, man.
I don't even want them to do that when I get older.
Whatever that thing is where they go in there
and tell you to, man, what is that, hold your breath?
Cough. Going in, cough.
They don't say hold your breath.
Cough.
They don't tell you to cough.
They don't tell you to cough,
then what'd they tell you to do?
Cough, cough.
No, man, get off me.
But you saying the only stipulation for him,
for you to do it for him, he has to do it for you.
Is this life, is this like life or death or something?
I mean, I would be in extreme discomfort, man.
Man, that's crazy, man.
I would try to limit the noises I made during the procedure.
To hell?
What, no.
Well, because you're getting up in there.
Well, not even.
Because you gotta go from the top, like he said.
I'm in pain.
The ulcer does not feel good.
No.
It doesn't like to be irritated.
Does it go away on its own, no?
No.
So you would have this for life if nobody did.
I would have it for life if nobody did.
Man, wait, so I'm just curious,
why am I the first pick out of every,
like you don't have a doctor or nobody?
Because I trust you, Brandon.
I thought we were friends.
Oh, dude, dude, I agree.
I mean, the doctor prescribes me the medicine,
but I can't go back to the doctor every day.
I mean, dude, I tell you what,
if it was like nobody else, man, life or death, I got you.
What if there was a device?
A device, what you mean?
And you didn't have to use your finger?
Oh, I didn't have to use my finger?
You could use, you know, like a foreign object.
Sounds like a dildo.
Well, it's not sexual.
It's for medical purposes.
Oh, would you rather use your finger?
No, I wouldn't wanna use my finger at all.
But with gloves.
So you would rather use a dildo,
a small one, like a vibrator.
Or like a popsicle stick.
Yeah, anything.
I don't, I don't, I feel like,
I'm surprised that technology hasn't been advanced
where we still gotta stick stuff up people's ass.
Well, there's only one way to get there, man.
That's just crazy as hell, like I mean, damn.
Well, you know, you still gotta take pills
by popping them in your mouth, right?
Yeah, so why can't, yeah, you're right.
You're right.
So are you still sticking with your answer
you'll only do it if he does it to you?
What, no, no, because you don't have to do it to me, man.
You never have to.
But what if you had an ulcer?
If I had an ulcer, we're gonna be in a lot of pain
for a long time, I just say that because,
I'm sorry, man, I'm good.
Depends how bad it was.
So you would live with your pain,
but you would let him live through his
or you help him out?
If it came down to it, man, if I had to help, I would help.
Thanks, man.
Became down to it.
Air good for him, man.
Yeah, became, it would have to really come down to it, man.
Yeah. Like, seriously.
Well, I mean, it came down to it because he had it
and then he needs you to see it.
No, not just, down just off the bat, like,
hey, man, you know, I don't feel like doing this ulcer.
Can you go ahead and stick it up my ass?
No, I'm good, man, I don't wanna do all that.
No, man, it's not like that.
It's nothing weird.
I mean, what if a doctor calls, hey, man.
No, if a doctor calls, he should be able to do it.
What if we got an official letter from, like,
the county government being like, this is not gay?
Like, lawfully, we do not consider this a homosexual act.
This is purely for medical purposes.
I would think this is a prank, man.
I'd be like, why'd they care?
It's all right.
But would that make it better for you, is what he's saying?
Sure, man.
That you would need that.
Yeah.
Just a minimum.
I mean, I don't.
Not gloves or anything, but.
Nah, man, I'd rather have gloves.
I'd rather have gloves, man.
Gloves and a certificate?
Yeah.
Okay, so just get him gloves.
Mahogany frame.
Yeah, man.
Get a robotic hand.
That's what he was talking about.
Yeah.
Could I get a prosthetic hand that does this or something?
You can put on like that.
Exactly, Brandon.
The Iron Man gauntlet.
There you go, man.
Thanos thing.
Nah, I want it.
I take out all the rings
so it doesn't get stuck or nothing in there.
I don't know why you'd have rings on a robot hand.
What is that thing?
Not him, that's my Thanos, the stone.
Well, you don't have to go that deep.
If you go that deep, then it is gay.
And the certificate is revoked.
Damn, man, that sucks.
I didn't want to be here anyway.
I'm just gonna, I gotta, damn.
This podcast, every episode has devolved into me
trying to get Brandon to say he's gay.
I'm dying, man.
There's nothing wrong with that.
No, there is nothing wrong with that.
No, no, there really isn't.
I was just saying I forgot something crazy
at my job happened, man.
What happened?
So these old people kept coming up
and everybody be like,
man, Santa get you something special this year?
And I was like, nah, I guess, ha ha ha.
And so I went into the routine and one old dude walked up
and I was like, hey man,
Santa get you something good this year?
And then you looked at me like, yeah, he sure did.
And then after that, I just didn't like that, man.
God, this is weird as hell to ask a grown ass man
that question, just be like, hey man,
Santa get you something nice this year?
That is weird to ask.
So right after that, I was like,
I'm not gonna continue this.
That's it.
What's up?
So what did you say after that when you saw somebody?
Oh, now I just be like, hey man, you got a good Christmas?
All right.
That's what's up.
Yeah.
That's good.
Merry Christmas, you could just say that.
Yeah, man, that's all I do now because that was just weird.
Well, you're supposed to say happy holidays.
Happy holidays.
Oh yeah, no, I do it all actually.
I say this, I say, hey man, sometimes I'll switch it up.
Happy Kwanzaa, happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas.
I gotta just say that.
Or I'll be like, Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah,
and Kwanzaa.
I say Merry Christmas.
Because I live in America, dude.
I'm a diverse, I like to give it to everybody.
I bet you do.
Mm-hmm.
Man.
Damn.
I like that.
What did you say?
Dude, what are you talking about?
Did you say I like that?
No, I said not like that.
Now what the hell, what?
I don't know, I'm trying to hear what you're saying.
But did Santa get you anything for Christmas this year?
Ooh, yeah.
Oh, he did, man.
Yeah, I got a lot of great stuff.
But Santa gave me socks and shit, you know?
Toothbrush and what else, what else?
Some other stuff.
I got some coal, it was chocolate coal, man.
Oh.
Yeah.
And my mom gave me a laptop, she was like,
she said, you're going back to school.
Oh, nice.
Oh.
That's cool.
That's the, where'd you start off with socks and toothbrush?
Toothbrush.
Oh, I was just, no, I was telling you,
I mean, it's still Santa Claus stuff.
That's what Santa got you, but your mom got you a laptop.
Yeah, yeah.
I still got, man, I get a lot of stuff.
I even got a scene to jumpstart my car now,
like if I get stranded.
Like jumper cables?
Yes, yes, jumper cables attached to a machine that'll take.
The jump box.
Yeah.
The box.
That's actually tight.
Yes.
So you still believe in Santa?
No.
Oh, no.
Okay.
Oh, no.
I just didn't.
Dude, if you don't believe,
he's not gonna bring you anything.
Nah, man.
The way you worded it.
Oh, nah, man, nah, man, I don't believe that.
Who do you call Santa?
Who do I call Santa?
Who's your Santa?
Oh, man, myself.
I remember people be like, it's Santa,
but yeah, Brandon Santa, he'll get you something special.
He is.
Right, well Christmas over, we're going to New Year.
Yeah.
Yep, a brand new year.
What's your guys' New Year's resolution?
You gotta go first.
I'll say, dude, just to hold myself accountable,
I'm running a marathon in 2025, dude, in December.
I'm excited to see this.
I'm gonna do it.
And I'm gonna wear a clown college sponsorship.
I'll ship myself at the starting line,
just to set the tempo.
It'll be nice, man.
Oh, yeah, we'll be there beginning and end.
Now we won't run it with you.
But I will.
I'll run with you, man.
Okay.
I need to.
Brandon, you gonna break down?
Don't you got medical thing you gotta?
Dude, I'm trying to, I wanna practice every way I can.
You know how long a marathon is?
How long is a marathon?
26 miles.
26 miles, how long would that probably take?
I think you have to finish it in six hours.
Six hours?
It's like 12 minutes a mile.
When's the last time you ran a mile?
Probably a year and a half ago, probably two years.
And you're 21?
Yeah.
I mean, you definitely could do it.
Yeah.
It's not till December.
26 miles is a lot.
If you started January 1st,
you basically have a year to prepare.
Nah, yeah, I'll just prepare for the other test first.
What's the other test?
I wouldn't do the CPAP tests.
Oh, CPAP.
Not CPAP, how do they, CPACT, I'm trying to say it.
Oh, okay.
CPACT.
Is that the EMS?
EMS, yeah.
No, I'm talking about like after the EMS
for like the firefighting training.
Oh, okay.
I wanna work on that.
You gotta do both though, right?
Oh, yeah.
To be a firefighter, you have to certify.
EMS is different too.
And then you do that and then you pass that
and then you go to camp.
Hell yeah, and then you gonna be on fucking
top of that truck.
Hell yeah.
Spraying out fires.
Yes.
Picking kittens out of trees and such.
Whatever I gotta do, man.
You can go off the side of the road.
Yeah.
That too.
Yeah, whatever they call you to do
because that's your duty.
Hell fucking yeah.
While you're on that fucking test.
You're gonna have to go peel Dom out of the car after.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I gotta do.
The DUI crash.
That's what I gotta do.
You gotta get the jaws of life.
You know, it's weird they call them the jaws of life
when everybody's already dead, you know?
Yeah.
That's strange.
Ah man, that's, yeah.
I never understood that part.
That's me leading.
Jake almost killed us last night.
Really, what happened, man?
On Birmingham, you know, they had a,
the nine-wool law, the stop signs were very low.
But there was one on each side of the street
and he's driving and he's talking.
And then he's just like, I'm like,
hey, Jake, this is a stop sign.
And he like had a hard stop while a car was coming this way.
Oh no.
This car was stopped, but it was waiting to go.
And it should have already went,
but I think they seen how fast Jake was going,
so it didn't go.
You know when the light is out
and they have stops to put stop signs up?
Yeah, yeah, we almost died.
And he was geeked out after that.
He was like, I'm locked in.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, man.
Someone's gotta feed Squeaks.
Squeaks and the fish that he has in a tub
and is just a,
was it a tote or something he has it in?
I'm just imagining like one of those things
that like college kids take for getting in their dorm
and like moving out, just filled with water.
Fuck that, dude.
And Don, I do have some unfortunate news for you, man.
I know they, I'm sure we talked about it on the pod before.
You're a big fan of Big Justice.
Yeah.
And he's been photographed with him and his family
with a menorah.
I know, I've seen that.
Oh no.
I like to hear your thoughts.
I know that you've had some recent reformations.
You know, here's what I gotta say.
Nobody's perfect.
You know, I like Big Justice and the whole Justice League
and what they put out there.
And I'm not gonna let a little setback like this
take my fandom away.
You know, and that's where we have to grow as people.
True.
Right?
Because he has a disability or, you know,
whatever they got going on.
You know, at Harry Klein College, we accept everybody.
Yeah.
Hey, yes we do.
And the Rizler has also been photographed
with some similar.
God damn it.
Damn, man.
Not the Riz.
I thought they were Italian, dude.
They got them there too.
Do they?
Yeah.
Oh God, they're taking over everything.
Sad.
I'm sorry.
It just calls in the question,
the motive of the Justice League and.
What are they trying, now, yeah,
now it seems like they're trying to take something over
with the booms.
You know, it just, you think about it,
the double chunk chocolate cookie
and the chicken baked there.
What does that represent?
The kosher, man.
Kosher.
Why haven't they tried the hot dogs?
Now that, no, the chicken bacon ranch.
That's what that thing is, right?
The chicken bake.
Chicken bake, does that have bacon in it?
I think it's just chicken bake.
I'm not sure, I've never had one.
It's a Costco chicken bake.
I need to know if it has bacon in it right now.
Cause now I'm thinking that picture might be Photoshopped
and he's clear of all wrongdoing.
Yeah, he might be innocent, dude.
He might be innocent.
He might be, yeah.
But you know, even if he's not.
Yeah.
It does take a little off, I'm not gonna lie.
Yeah, you know.
But you gotta separate the art from the artist.
That look like bacon.
That's bacon, dude, no, that's Photoshopped, that's bacon.
Is it bacon?
Yeah, they can't have it.
Yep, that's bacon.
Yep, Kirkland Chicken Bacon.
So they do have bacon in them.
I thought it was a chicken. Yep, smoky bacon.
Yeah.
Well, I stand corrected.
Smoky, so.
Maybe just ideologically, you know.
Like they're not practicing,
but they just support the state of Israel.
I don't know which one's worse.
I don't know, man.
Well, I've been reading that Zohar, so.
The hell is this?
But why though?
That's what I'm wondering.
Is that a hot dog inside of a chicken bacon?
Yeah. That's sex.
Yeah, that's crazy as hell.
But what?
There you go, Jonathan.
Yeah, Jonathan.
Jonathan, he could do this one, it's good.
Yeah.
Yeah. Call him.
Call me.
Yeah. Call him.
Call him.
Now I'll call him later.
Shout out, Jonathan Silver.
Hell yeah, the man of plot.
Man, I've never tried any of that stuff from Costco.
Me neither.
The Jimmy Jam is banging.
I bet it is, man.
Put some mustard on there, maybe a little relish if you get.
These people need to be shot for gluttony.
Damn, man.
But I do have a recommendation for a new influencer
that we might need to keep up with, man.
And I know you're, you know, just hear me out.
His name's Jew Boy Jacob.
Let's see him.
All right, let's see his.
And he does acapella covers of rap songs.
And he did the Dave Blunt song, that big dude.
I can't put the helmet up.
Have you seen it?
Have you seen his version of it?
Uh-uh.
This dude.
That's a.
Pah!
What?
He put Jew Boy, do you see that picture right there?
Right here?
Can you flip on it?
Go to the right, the cartoon one.
Right here?
Or this one?
Right here?
Yeah.
Oh, I thought that was, oh my God, I'm racist.
What's the one with the Confederate flag?
Wait, what?
There's a.
Okay.
Jew Boy of the South?
What the?
Oh, that's a real thing.
That's like somebody's.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
So what was it?
Jew Boy Jacob.
Oh, Jacob, I put Davis.
That's a whole book.
Okay, you said.
Jacob.
Jacob, okay, okay.
Yeah, that's what's going on.
Oh.
Yeah, there he is.
Okay.
Right here?
The top left.
The top, the left.
Go to videos.
Okay, let's go see videos.
I'm sorry, yeah, there we go.
It's the acapella guy.
Oh, right here.
Yeah.
We have one of the, can we click on the TikTok one?
Yeah.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, actually, I have no clue.
I don't know.
That's him.
Can you do this part?
No, you gotta do it.
Okay, turn it up.
You gotta unmute it.
Unmute, oh, I see it.
Yeah, my name is trying to take my life away.
I throw your whole.
I'm a man who wish death upon me.
Blood in my eyes, dog, I can't see.
I'm just trying to be what I'm destined to be.
And my name is trying to take my life away.
Oh, I was like, what is he gonna say?
I throw your whole in the neighborhood.
Oh, it's so close.
Back on the wall, now you gon' see.
Hey, better watch how you talk when you talk about.
Cause I'll come and take your life away.
Bang, bang.
But the main one that people have been,
like the ones that's blown up,
I've seen it a thousand times on Instagram,
is the Dave Blunt song, I Can't Put Down the Cup.
Can't put down the cup.
It's so funny how he does it.
Can't put down the cup.
You saw that dude got on Snoop Dogg for like saying something.
Fat ass talking to us, legends like that.
Yeah, and then Snoop Dogg's like, all right, shit,
I'm not gonna say nothing else to you.
You got a big homie,
the nigga's about to die in like three months.
Yeah.
That's why he said that.
Just like his make-a-wish, go let him have fun.
There was a video where he like was performing
and he always sits on like a couch while he's performing.
There was one where he stands up,
the crowd goes fucking crazy just cause he stood up.
Damn man, imagine that.
That's like rustling, man.
Exactly like WWE.
Well, they're always standing up.
No, I'm talking about, you know when somebody stand up
or they fall down, the Undertaker get up,
you be like, oh shit.
Oh, when he sits up.
Or whenever the dude look around for two hours
and get ready to do a finisher.
You know when they all look around and oh shit,
what's he gonna do?
His hand right there waiting for him to turn around.
Yeah.
Like that.
Uh-huh.
You been working on wrestling material?
Yes, I have actually been working on something.
You got something?
Yes, I do, but I'm gonna save it.
Oh yeah, I'm not saying save it right now.
I'm just saying you've been working it out.
Oh yeah, yeah, I do have something.
Cause you want it.
You're a want it fucking man, dude.
That's good, that's good, in a good way.
They ask for you verbatim.
Hell yeah.
Big time, motherfuckers, we're going on the radio
on today's show.
That is, man everybody, look at that.
That's awesome, man.
Give me a hug, Brandon.
That's what's up, man, respect to that.
Man, look.
Can you get Brandon to give you a hug from me?
I'm Brandon, huh?
Can you get Brandon to give you a hug from me?
All right, hold up, man.
Hey, give him a hug.
Look at that.
Oh, thank you.
Gotcha.
Thanks, dude.
This looks crazy as hell, man.
You can't hug, you see,
more people need to hug themselves.
Yes, they do.
Honestly, they do, man.
If you go outside and go to Publix,
go to any grocery store,
you'll quickly see that people need to hug themselves.
Cause they are so rude.
So damn rude.
Oh my gosh, man, this is witch.
Yeah, I was driving on Christmas morning.
I went to the gym and I was on university.
There's not a single car.
It was amazing.
You never see this, dude.
Not on university.
There's a car at a gas station that's pulling out.
It's the only car, it's just me and this car on the road.
And they pull out directly in front of me.
Like they wait till I get right there.
And I said some things.
I said some things I'm not proud of.
So I speed up and get in the other lane
cause I want to see who this person is
that just gifted me with this on Christmas.
And I swear on everything, I love Asian woman.
And I just start laughing.
I'm like, God, that was a good one.
It's a little too on the nose for me.
Because for a split second I was like, Ali.
Probably the same lady that almost hit me
in the public parking lot.
It might have been, there's not many of them.
They kind of all look.
Damn.
Yeah, kind of similar.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You wouldn't know.
I wouldn't.
All right guys, happy new years, man.
Happy new years.
Wait, real quick, what are you guys' new years resolution?
Oh yeah, you're running a marathon.
Oh, I'm gonna get swole.
Not marathon, I don't do that kind of, it's gay.
But I'm gonna do real lifting weights
and try to get as swole as I can.
And then what will happen, because I've been in shape
multiple times throughout my life and then I get fat again.
What's gonna happen when I get in this top tier shape?
I will be different and I will treat people differently.
I just need everyone to know that.
Nothing will be the same.
I feel like people, when somebody approaches me
whenever I'm in top tier shape,
I'm like, you should think about what you are doing
and what you look like and how you're approaching me.
Now I'd be like, let's do it.
That's exactly what it's like being white.
Yeah.
And I have to do that.
That's crazy, and I feel that sometimes.
That's the other half coming out, dude.
I like it.
I feel like a conqueror.
Hell yeah, man. I feel like I could, that's gonna say something.
Brandon, what do you got?
Well, I'm gonna be honest,
I'm gonna be working on getting in shape too,
especially for what I wanna do in the future.
So that's my goal, is to get in shape
and also definitely pass
and make sure I take this stuff seriously.
And get that with flying colors and let the redemption work.
You know what I mean?
The world gave me a second chance, I'm gonna do it.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
They tried to take you out with that heartburn.
Hell yeah, and the learning disability.
It's black, yeah.
Yeah, I got nothing on that one.
Man, that sucks.
We support you.
Thank you, man, I appreciate that.
If I can make some suggestions,
I would say, Dom, for the new year,
you should work on your relationship with the Jews.
Well, I've already reconciled with them.
Well, you also just said that stuff earlier.
No, I said that, no, I said we still support them
even though they have a deficiency.
You also said nobody's perfect.
Yeah.
And Brandon, I think you should get into gardening.
Oh, I bet you'd be a killer gardener.
Gardening with Brandon.
And get some chia pets.
Not exactly what I had in mind,
but that's a good starting point.
We start there though, right?
Get the ice spice one, hell yeah.
Okay, ice spice, chia pet.
I will get that for you, mark my words.
Ice spice chia pet with one of those galaxy
fuck things he likes.
It turns out to just be a fire always.
Brandon, actually, scratch the gardening.
I think you should get into galaxy gas in the new year.
Galaxy gas?
I think you should just start doing whippets all the time.
Whippets, what's that?
Galaxy gas.
You can do it and be a firefighter.
What is that?
You actually can do it while you go into an open flame.
What is this?
No Brandon, just stick to gardening.
Stick to gardening, don't worry about it.
I'm gonna stick to gardening.
Ask Nathan, just stick to gardening.
He'll tell me, he'll tell me.
Oh, and that's Clown College.
Starting at the new year,
putting a skit out of some sort every week.
Every week, dude.
I love something this week.
And we will.
And ultimate goal, make the musical.
That's the ultimate goal.
It started right here, we're making a musical,
and it'll be a musical for people who hate musicals.
We should do it at Shenanigans,
a live show of the musical at Shenanigans.
I swear, we can do three acts.
None of us can really sing though.
I mean, I can sing a little bit.
That's the best part.
I can sing a little bit, a little bit.
All right, give me,
we'll take a, I like that.
We'll do a mini live show,
but we're gonna actually do a fucking real movie.
That's the point of it, you know,
a whole movie and then the musical.
The set design, everything.
All right, Brandon.
Wait, what's the scenario?
No, just, okay.
You were just asked to give up your seat on the bus
because of the color of your skin.
And now you have to sing a song about-
What year is this?
Now.
Today?
Yeah.
It's in the future.
Holy shit.
Trump's on his fourth, you know, fourth term.
Fourth term.
All right.
You're a dystopian.
All right, so what, are you the guy?
Sure.
All right, and who are you, like the bus driver?
Yep.
All right.
No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you might crash.
I don't know.
Let's go.
Get up, neighbor.
Neighbor.
Did you call me what I think you just called me, man?
Why I gotta get up?
Because of the color of your skin.
The color of my damn skin?
Yes.
The color of my skin?
What, what, what, what, what, what,
what kind of law says I have to do this?
Jim Crow.
Jim Crow's back?
That were reinstated by Supreme Leader Donald Trump.
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.
Trump is back, he's fucking us all up.
Trump is back, he's hitting on that guy.
He's messing everybody up, he's fucking everybody up.
Now we have this racism right here.
So you still want this seat?
Hey!
That was good, that was good.
Oh man, I was about to do the James,
what's his name, they're all race shit, man.
James Earl, the guy that shot Martin Luther King.
Fuck, hold on, what's the dude that did James Vader?
James Earl Jones.
Okay, my bad.
James Earl Jones, when he got serious,
like remember Denzel Washington on the fences?
No, I won't sit down on this fucking seat.
No, my bad, get up, I won't get up.
What?
No, I'm just listening to you.
Oh, oh you want me to do it?
I don't know, yes.
Oh, I was just gonna be like, oh no,
but yeah, okay, I'm done singing,
just had to get that out the way I do that
before trauma shit happens in my life,
but no, I won't get up out this damn seat,
I won't do it right now, nah man,
everybody get my arm here.
Look at that, we ain't moving.
Isn't that right, bus driver?
You need to get off the bus.
I need to get off the bus, what you mean I need to get off?
The law demands it.
But you black too, partially.
I don't know them assholes.
You don't know, oh man, man, man.
I'm a good son.
Oh, alright.
It's a trauma, fuck.
Alright, happy new year.
Happy new year.
Alright.
I fucking hate Scrappy, dude.