This week on Clown College
One cold Christmas Eve with the sun far below their heads
In motherfucking Coleman Alabama the clowns decided to tread
expecting weird looks and to be filled with fright
Little did the niggas know that they were in for a Christmas delight
Welcome to Clown College
We have profound knowledge
In many ways to elevate and make you sound polished
So if you want to hear a little honest
A few takes on the ways to make it as a comic
Then stick around for a while if you're down to clown
We got the guests right now just to show you how
Let's all go to Clown College baby
It's with Brandon, Candace, Don and JJ
Let's all go to Clown College baby
It's with Brandon, Candace, Don and JJ
How's it sound Brandon?
Sounds good
Does it sound good?
Keep talking
My mic's a little far but I feel like this is pretty good
I just can't turn my head towards it
There we go, that's probably better
Both good? Alright
You all ready?
Yep
Hey!
We're back
Hell yeah
Who's this fucking guy?
Who the fuck are you guys?
What do you mean?
That's no way to treat a guest
This is real hostile for the holidays
You guys have a little meat and then get fancy
What happened?
I don't know what happened
How you been Charles?
I've been fine
You good?
Yeah
Dude I'm glad you're in such a good mood to be here
Me too
On the pod
I don't know, I was
I'm not a big Christmas guy to be honest
Oh yeah?
Yeah
That's not a setup to anything
St. Patrick's Day?
No, not that shit either
I don't think there's any holiday that I truly enjoy
Oh you know what, New Year's isn't bad
That's fair
New Year's is like everybody gets to be in on New Year's
I like it
Except the Chinese aren't
No
I don't know
I'm not a big fan of the Christmas
I thought you were about to say the Chinese
Oh shit
That's where this is going
I don't know, the whole Santa thing and the money and the religion
I don't fuck with it
Yeah
I'm not a big Christmas guy either
Really?
I'm like you
Yeah, skip Christmas when you got what you are
But big guy
Thanks Brandon
Anytime, that was good
I love that we can't hear it, we just have to assume that Brandon is hitting the right button
It's just a fart noise
That's what this podcast is built on
Assuming that Brandon hit the right button
It literally is, he's always did it right
We haven't lost any episodes have we?
No we have not
Just one
Just the one where we talked about fucking Scrappy Doo
Oh yeah
What happened?
Scrappy Doo
That's the only episode we lost
Well that one Brandon's fault
He brought him up
But Charlie, we started off sour, now we're going to start off sweet like some Sour Patch Kids
I hope so, it would come in different
Merry Christmas man
Hey, you go get your sweet ass over here and get this gift
Candice Sweet Ass
I'm gonna need my sweet ass over here
That sounded weird saying I love you
But I appreciate it
Oh wow, nasal spray
We need it
Does this have the extender?
Just kidding, what do we got here?
Hyper tough multi-tool pen set
Now this one I don't get
The last one made sense
Cool, now I can measure my dick while I write jokes
Exciting
Does this have millimeters?
Sick
Thanks guys
Let's see, I also actually got a gift for Brandon
I got this a long time ago, I forgot to bring it on my app
I just know that you like old stuff and comedy
So it's a Red Fox laugh your head off tape
God bless you
Thank you man
Red Fox, looks just like me man
This is perfect
Honestly, that's the closest you've ever been
Close enough
I'm definitely not looking Edward from Twilight
Jolly, you've been on a little mission
You're doing a little documentary type thing
Yeah, I'm doing my little no material project
Where I do no material for 10 mics and see what happens
Started off strong, it's been really bad lately
It's been like not even enjoyable
I really want to stop but I only got 3 left, 4 left tonight
So we'll see what happens, maybe some divine intervention will come down
Even though I just hated on religion a second ago
But I need God now
You're going out butt naked the whole time?
Holy shit
Butt naked the whole time
Is this a comedy term I missed for no material?
This is when you're going in with nothing
Well, no, I mean I have clothes on
But yes, I'm going in with nothing
Brandon's like, ah fuck that
Yeah, no, I've been going up with nothing
I'm trying to not do crowd work either
Which really leaves you with nothing
And then you realize, oh I'm just doing nothing
Which is not entertaining for anybody involved
So it's all been a really bad idea from the jump
But hopefully at the end it'll seem exciting, I don't know
It feels like if you just do random shit online people pay attention to it
Boom, boom
Justice league baby
Is that right?
Yeah
What? No
They're called the Justice League?
The Justice League, big Justice, little Justice
And the Rizwer?
Yeah, he's like the
He's the Riddler
Yeah, the Riddler
Oh, so he's a villain?
Yeah
Oh wow
That's why he's not really their offspring
Oh, okay, he's not one of the
Cause they're Jewish, I just found this out
Damn
Really?
I don't know if the picture was real but it looked like they had a lot of Hanukkah stuff going on
Oh, maybe
So
I think those are just birthday candles
Not a menorah
He's nine years old
Yeah
Yo, I'm glad we're on this Justice League scene because dude, I'm not joking
We know you're not
Like I know you guys be like
Yeah, but people always be like man this
Like sometimes I'll be off but this dude, I promise you, looks just like you
Like who?
Charlie, right there, I'm gonna show you right here
I swear to God this is the Kill Tony guy
Nope, I'm talking about the one
It's gonna be like Martian man hunter
Brandon's never been accurate at all on who looks like what
When you see this, hold on, I gotta
Hold on, hold on, look at this
I think he got it right dude
I can't see it but I feel offended
I got it right, he got the same eyes
Double click on the pit, there it is
Can you see that?
I disagree with all of those
That looks like you Charlie
That does not look like me
That's definitely the closest Brandon's ever got
From here it looks like a picture of Rob Schneider
Captain Boomerang, that's his name
Okay, actually I'm back in, I like that name
I'm into that
And that's what he does, he comes right back
You think you're done with it, next thing you know, Captain Boomerang
Yeah, okay, well, I don't like that but whatever
I've stopped telling people what I think they look like
Because it's never gone positive
What do you think Dom looks like?
He looks better in that pic
Why do you think Dom looks like?
Oh man
Because you're easy to see
I don't know, you look like, oh man, who's the, not somewhere over the rainbow, who's Is?
Is a?
No, just Is
Is
Roz
Oz, you talking about Oz
Yeah
I don't know who that is
Israel
Don't you dare
I hope it's right
Is it?
The guy that sings the song?
Uh huh
The guy that dies?
Oh wait, are you talking about Is?
Oh yeah, his name is Is, Is a
Oh there we go, nice
Oh you're talking about the fat dude
Yeah, I'm talking shit
First of all, he had a beautiful voice, I'm not mad about that
He did have a beautiful voice, yeah
And a beautiful heart that just went out on him
Yeah, it turns out I'm just nice
I'm like you guys, saying I look like that rat man
That's real, he's not a rat man
He's a dead man
He's Captain Boomerang
What does he do, what's his power, what's his like thing?
Dude, he's like the Flash, but more powerful man
What?
He's fast as shit
And I think he might have a boomerang
Okay
I could be right
He runs like a 4-3-40
He's fast as shit man
He's just pretty fast for a normal person
And he's Australian so
Alright
Explains the boomerang part, yeah
Hell yeah
Checkmate, you know?
Nope
Yeah
Is that his phrase?
Oh no, I was just saying checkmate, you know mate
Like where he be like, good day mate
Look at that type of stuff
Trying to make something new
I have no idea
What's that bad?
I like that
I'm gonna use that tonight when I have no material
Can you do your second Captain Boomerang?
I'll sign it, if Dante signs up as the Flash
I'm sure I can sign up as Captain Boomerang
Dude, of course
You can be just put Captain Boomerang, I got you
Alright, sweet
He will not remember that
Also, we've been doing the plot for over a year at this point
He didn't remember my name, bringing me up
You're a damn car
He's a damn car's car, is he ever
He has a car
Dom the car car
I like that
Dom Carlos sounds fancy
Dom Carlos
Yeah, when you put on a robe, Dom Carlos
You gotta see this fucking shit
I got that shit on
Ain't that right, Brennan?
You say you got what?
I got that shit on
Hell yeah, man, you looking fly
Thank you, baby
Alright
No
Hey Brennan
You know what, yeah, you right man, you know what
You right man, cause you know they do that in sports and shit
And then they smack ass
Well, see, you took it to the net
No, I'm talking about when they be like, good game, man
When they smack you in the ass a little bit
Good game, baby
Sometimes they grab it
Cup
You think gays finish fucking like that?
Oh, of course
Like, good job
I bet you they do
Man, that's funny
Or passionate, whatever
Good
No, my bad, I'll let y'all lead the segment, it's not bad
I was saying, so I was, so remember, JJ, when we had to fix the, I had to fix the washer
When your apartment flooded
My apartment flooded
Yes
All the shit came out, we had to fix it, but it was just a tube that you had to put in the back of the wall
He forgot to do that
Yeah, and got the dustpan and shoveled the water
Yeah, we got the dustpan, we shoveled up all that shit
Now, my dryer is making a loud squeaking noise
Now, I'm leaving in two days, so I needed it done fast
So I went to my Facebook marketplace, I hit a couple people up
He was the one that messaged back like, yeah, I'll be over there in 30 minutes to come fix it
I'm like, hell yeah
So then he messaged me back about 10 minutes later and he's like, hey, I can't find the parts
I can't find the parts, can you give me the $50, I'll go buy the parts and then come back over
Now, I usually wouldn't do this and I'm still dumb for doing it
But I was like, he's already, you know, I've already used them once
He came over and did the shit
So then I gave him the $50, about 30 minutes later he's like, hey, I can't get
I couldn't understand what he was saying
He was like, I couldn't get to get the parts, I'm gonna have to order them
Now I'm at work, he's like, I'm gonna have to order them
And then I'm like, no, don't worry about it, I need my shit done fast
Just send me back the money
He's like, alright, send you back the money
And you guys have the transcript of what went down after that
So one of you guys are gonna play me and one of you guys are gonna play the man who we are gonna tag in this
And there are some words that you guys probably shouldn't
You can say them
You probably shouldn't, so you know, your artistic direction
Okay, what part are you playing, Charlie?
I think the gray text, which are the
That is the serviceman
The male prostitute that you hired on this
Exactly, $50, $50
True
And you'll be playing me, JJ
Alright, no laughing
And then once I say scene, you'll take it off
1, 2, 3, scene
I never had no set for $250
Is that too much?
No, that was great, that was great
Oh my god
Alright
Do that the whole time
Man, that was perfect
I don't know if I can keep that to heart
I never had a set for $250
My cheapest set is $440 without delivery
I'll just take the money back
But I'll do $150 annual dryer
I'm good, I'll just take the money back
Okay
Need that cash, yap
I will send as soon as I'm done driving
I have to cancel the order
I just need my $50 so I can get the dryer fixed
I'll fix it for you, what the problem now?
Huh? You said you didn't have the parts
I told you I had to order them
I don't got time for that, that's why I said send the money back
Even if you get someone else to fix they will have to order them
Man, I just need my money back
Soon as it get refunded you got it
No, I need my $50 now, I didn't tell you to order them
Pfff
I told you I did so when I get it, I will
Look, I'm trying to be nice here, but send me my $50 now
Look, I told you what I can do, so I decay what to tell you
Tell me you're sending me my $50, I never said to order shit
I don't like to fuck with people money and I don't expect mine to be either
Send me my shit right now
Look here bro, I'm 27 years a grown ass man
You don't need to be cussing at me like I'm your child or something
And like I said I will send it when I get it back
I don't give a fuck how old you are little
Nubian
You took somebody money, spent my shit without telling me
You two and no work was done, this how you run a business?
How the fuck I'm do the work without parts you dumb ass Nubian
Then return the money like you said you would three times!
That's how this shit works
Like I said, when I get it back then I'll send it and I'm done here
Cause how you run in your mouth you can get touched matter of fact
I'll bring it to you personally
Punk ass
Nigga
Come see me, fuck you mean we'll see who get in touch
Yeah alright
And scene
Great job gentlemen, I mean come on
That's beautiful
Get my ass kicked
Yes I'm gonna beat this nigga ass real soon
He knows where I live
He's 27 years a grown man
Yeah he got 27, I don't give a fuck how old you is
Nigga send my motherfucking money back
Like I was so mad, I was thinking about ways if he came knocked on the door how I was gonna take him down
I was dreaming about it, I dreamed about it all night
Dick got hard dude
If he comes over here I'm fucking this shit up
It's a Christmas miracle
That's too funny
Oh shit, thanks guys for reading that
Yeah no problem, thanks guys for having me on
Merry Christmas
Am I leaving right now?
Yeah we can't get outside
Merry Christmas
What's that?
You got anything coming up?
I guess check out that thing whenever I have it
But no, I have nothing
Nah, there's nothing going on in my life
This is the greatest thing ever, alright bye guys
Thanks man
Merry Christmas man
Hey we're at Clown College
And we're at the Chris Kingle
We here
Chris Kingle
Trying out good food
Good snack
Not that bad
Not at all
Yeah, sounds like the word here
Clown College
Try this
Get right behind
Good
I'll be right behind
Oh shit
Oh my god
Hi
Is there anything?
This is sick
Where is it?
Hello
I got a pig
What kind of pig?
I'm from a place called...
What is that?
Is that a pig?
No
I'm not a messia
You might get it
I can find one
It's a ding along pony
Ding along pony
Hi ho silver
Ding along pony
I'm not a say that
I'm a little scared
But I'm also a little excited
I'm having a good time
Fear is a creation of the mind Brandon
It tosses up
It's going to make you
Do you feel like you're going to shoot yourself?
Yes
I also feel like this thing is going to break
Right
I'm going to see if I can get down from here
He's sick
He's going to be sick
He's sick
He's going to fall
He's sick
He is the perfect messia
There's nothing about a frog
Ever
This is a new speaker
I have a new joke I'm trying to
I love to be trans
I just don't have the balls
Alright I get it
Charles Hood didn't like it either
I don't get it
There's nothing to get
I know I'm the swoop but I don't get it
You got balls though
We all got balls right
But I don't have the balls to become trans
It's the joke
Figurative balls
Metaphorical, chutzpah
Cajones
The dick
Welcome to clown college
Look at this editor extraordinaire
I'm going to make lightning pop up behind me
If somebody hates on you in the comments
And it's account with zero followers
Alex runs all our burners
For clown college comment responses
They're a couple
And when it's the hard R it's Alex
When it's the soft day it's me
Which I just said
Which I just taught JJ about the soft A earlier
I've always heard hard R
I never considered soft A
That was the first time I heard that expression
And I like it
You for real?
Soft A?
No I never heard that
Not in that context
You should use it more
The term soft A
You're actually saying it with the hard R
I'll try it out
I'll put it on my New Years resolution
Be like Papa John's
You gotta go through rehab
That's one of the craziest stories of all time
You know he like ordered
40 pizzas a week from Papa John's
To his house so he could test the quality
I like that
I do too we should get him on
I feel like it's within
Papa John himself
He did
But because
Papa John went down for
He was saying
Various degrees of meaning
He was just saying the one
He was saying other people were saying it
That's what he said?
Why do you have to go to rehab?
Because he said it
But he couldn't stop
I can't stop saying it
It's hard
Yes
The racist zoom meeting
The racist anonymous zoom meeting
This is real
This is real stuff
Racist rehab
We found out about it by watching people trolling them
Like they hack into the zoom
I'm on step 9 I've been stuffed
I've been stuffed
I can't make him in
He just learned about soft day
How far along could he be
Thank you Alex for doing that
Because you talked about my friend about the soft day
We got you here a Christmas gift
Oh shit
I'm Brandon's master of ceremony
Make it kill an asshole
Oh wow
Oh my god Brandon
How'd you get it dude?
Oh Rob
I love the good ones man
The hot and spicy fire walk
I have a feeling that's a
Play on firework
Toilet with a vacuum cleaner
Another asian thing
A pistol grip tripod
A tripod holder
Hell yeah
That's what we were in Coleman
And then
I don't even know what this is
I don't know what race
This is
Or what country
I think it's Mexican
Is it Mexican or I thought it was Puerto Rican
I don't know
Puerto Rican gelatin dessert
A strawberry gelatin dessert
That's good shit
Wow
Did you just eat the powder?
That look good as hell, you can if you want to man
It does look good as hell
Thank you Brandon I appreciate it
This is Cloud College
You're at the spot
We all pitched in
I was more impressed when I thought it was just Brandon
Knowing all three of your heads went into this
It's hilarious
Let me get you a little
Thank you
That's the shit thank you
So Alex we got some big shit coming up don't we?
I know yeah it's fucking exciting
You ready? You got your
You got your Adderall ready?
I do
I got my holster next to the
Next to the gun pistol thing
I'm so happy you took over the editing
It's been fun
You love it and I literally was going
I was on the verge of murder
A couple times
I was like I'm gonna do a little side by side
Do it
I had no idea what I was doing
And it was just
Every time and we were trying to do it in 4K
And tell people how long that shit
That to me is actually insane
It's literally upwards of
Like four times the size of an HD
File like it's insane
And the fact that Dom was doing it
On the Sony MacBook Air
I didn't even know it was an Air
I thought MacBook Pro and MacBook Air were the same thing
I was looking up shit about it
I'm like why the fuck doesn't mine have an HDMI core
Remember I asked you about that Kim?
Yours has an HDMI core?
Son of a bitch
It's been fun as fuck
It's a two way street for sure
I get something out of it obviously
It wasn't important
I was gonna try to make a very bad joke about
Say it now
When we
Started Clown College
When we built the institution
That is Clown College
I cannot stress to you
Enough how much
I didn't do
I have never edited
A second of an episode
I've never put together
Any shoot
I've never even suggested what time we should get here
And I haven't even shown up for all the episodes
I just came up with the idea
I saw Dom
I was like let's start a podcast
He was like I'm in
I'm like let's do it on a bicycle
He's like I'm out
I'm out
That is exactly how it went down
I'm just looking around
I'm like look how far I've made it
Riding on the backs of minorities
And really doing nothing
That's America
You know what I'm saying
I'm doing nothing
You guys made me believe in racism
Because it worked
And you know
If it ain't broke don't fix it
Dude we could have done this without you baby
We threw you out of a plane
I'll do that
I won't need a hot chiv
I'll jump out the plane
You did that
Recently
You write most of the stuff
You're definitely the
If we come up with the idea you write the shit out
You guys think Dom can come up with
The intro lines to each episode
That's all JJ
He writes them for him
I do the intros
You do the intros
And they've gotten progressively worse
You do have the last this week
College
The six seconds of running
I introduced the guest
I did a great job with Mark Volo last week
You said his name before
I thought he was going to get pissy
Because it is Mark Viola
You never know
You never know which way he's going to go
But he rolled with it
I give it up to Mark
He's making me like the Jews a little bit more
The next guest we have
Who's our next guest
We don't want to talk about it
That's why you don't want to talk about it right now
Let's have a little bit more joy
Let's have a little bit more joy until he gets it
So Alex
When I look at you and I think about
You as a person
When you look in the mirror
How do you feel about how Asian you are
And how does that affect your identity of yourself
That's what he asked
When you think about being Asian
I like that question
See what's funny is that question makes sense to a mixed race person
But not about
Well how Asian I think I am
I'm like painfully aware I'm half Asian
Because
You know the Chinese
Make you aware that you're not
Full blooded
I didn't know
I didn't even know for sure
They can tell
I can tell Asians apart
I bet if we brought
Different types of Asians
Most of us would get an okay
I would do good on Koreans
Chinese
Japanese I can do those
I can start getting the jungle Asian
There's other ones
The ones that are not
Is it big three
Or you guys got four
I think it's big three
China, Japan, Korea
What about Indians
Do they count as Asians
I like counting as Asians but as a joke
I'm kidding
I mean yeah of course
But I think honestly
It's probably depending on where you're born
I bet American Indian people have a different
Perspective than
People born in India
I don't know if they actually consider themselves
The same Asians as Chinese people
All them Indians think I'm one of them
Throughout my whole time since I've been in the military
I kind of wish you were
Nah
They'd be rowdy in here
I thought you were
Nav when I saw you the first time
I thought you were Nav
I thought you said Mav
Nav is as tall as Alex
Navajo?
Nav, the rapper
Yeah look that up
He was the first brown boy to get it popping
That's his claim to fame
I think he was though
As in like Indian rapper
Alright now
That's an insult to Dom
What are you talking about this guy's very successful
His hair and his beard is on point
So I'll take it
Yeah
Have you ever been mistaken for Native American?
Oh yeah
People guess that
Is it white people that say it?
Yeah yeah for sure
I've been mistaken so I was at a urinal
In a men bathroom
And I don't know why I said it like that
The urinal in the women's bathroom
Yeah the women's urinal
No but um
And I was you know having my back turned
Obviously had my long hair
And a man walked in and as I turned around
He was like oh I thought you were a lady
That was crazy
I don't know
Did he say it like excitedly
Or let down
He was smiling for sure
Like old man creepy smile
He was like still might
What did he look like?
With Brandon?
I just want to know
I want to say probably like
Button up like plaid shirt
But not like the fuzzy plaid
Old man plaid
Country plaid jeans
Maybe suspenders
Maybe that kind of old country
Glasses?
Hat?
Maybe yeah I could picture a hat
If I were given the police
I'd say hat
Like a trucker hat or something
Brandon took out like that in the sun once
Yeah explain that
Oh yeah I was at the wine and see
And I was like let me try this out
And I sat down this dude just kept trying to
Conversate with everybody like hey man
Your first time out? Dude I don't want to talk to you
I don't even know you
No I wasn't naked
I don't know man
You know he had on the robe
I'm not going to ask
I didn't even want to know
That's what I meant
What's that thing?
The miniature robe
I'm like damn bro
That's what's good
Weird way to socialize
Yeah weird way to meet people but I mean you meet people
In the bathroom
Oh yeah all the time
It's weird it's cool though man
Because I mean they like it
Is this sauna like a
I've never been in a sauna but is that like a pool?
Can you pitch in it?
No first you can't pee in it it's not a pool
It's a place where like a bunch of people get together
And they're basically naked and we just all sweat together
That's basically what it is
That's an insane way to put it
It's a sauna everywhere for me it's a sauna right now
Look at this
I'm sweating my ass off
Brandon is like a robin
That's every character
You can play you can play
Jeb Bush just got out of a sauna
I like that
It's the perfect improvability
Jeb Bush is
I guess you wouldn't know
Who Jeb Bush is
Why would he?
Are you confusing sauna and hot tub?
No I know sauna
There's no like water element
Yeah that'd be just steaming piss
Oh man that would hurt
Well I thought I might feel
Water cycle evaporation I thought it would go away
Breathe it in
It's good for you
You just can't not the initial stream
You have to get mid stream
Not the beginning or the end
Y'all seen piss air guy?
What's that about man?
He puts piss
He pisses in shit
And then he puts it behind the fan
So he gets the piss air
You know what I'm talking about?
I like piss nuke guy
Way better
He might be on the same wave
He's the same guy right?
He does piss nuke he's evolved
He's in a trap house
Probably Baltimore
Shout out Alex E
He's pissing in a plastic water bottle
He once has piss nuke incoming
And it just slams it his face
Yeah it's good stuff
Have you seen him cook with his piss?
No I have not seen that
He makes piss pancakes
I have not seen those
That's horrible
Mr. Piss Air is his name if you want to look him up
Did you happen to get the mead from Mr. Piss Air?
No
He's in a trap house
Are we at home?
He lives there
He probably lives there with three other schizophrenic people.
His dad lives there with him.
Kim is saying his dad lives there with him.
Granddaddy piss hair.
No man, how you gonna have a trap house
and you gonna piss and throw it on the floor and stuff?
Cause that's the least you're worried.
Like my thing is who wants to do that?
Who wakes up and you know I'm gonna piss on this shit.
Like what, that's horrible.
For medicinal purposes.
Oh my gosh.
He's just obsessed with one element and it's qualities.
He's like George Washington Carver.
Fuck that guy man.
He's cleaning up himself though right?
I don't think he cleans it up.
Ah man, that's even worse.
If you want it to smell like piss you probably
want to clean it up.
I don't think he considers it dirty.
See I got a grudge because those are the dudes
that come in there and smear shit on the walls
in the bathrooms at somebody's job
and then they gotta clean it up.
And who has to clean it up?
Me.
And what you get afterwards?
A sub.
It's worth it.
It's up.
Got a sub a couple weeks ago man.
Brandon sent a picture of a sub in the group message
and said you know what it is.
You know what it is.
Some shit went down.
You had to do something on the speaker board.
Yeah man the garbage compactor, everything fell out.
It caught me and my buddy.
Shout out to Bob.
It doesn't work for you.
Had to grab them all by hand.
Snatching someone.
Did you get gloves?
Well at first they didn't have gloves for nobody
and I was like bro fuck that.
No I stopped.
After the second thing I was like dude,
we gotta get some gloves man, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
So then I just went all over and looked everywhere
until I found some but they didn't give us gloves.
It's fucked up man.
Gave us a sub and you know what I did?
I feel like it may have been a half
but I went in there and got a fucking hole.
Ooh that's how you fucking show them.
Yes, hell yeah.
Cause they approved it.
They approved it.
Well congratulations.
Hell yeah congrats.
Good for you dog.
And thank you again Alex.
Thank you Alex.
We appreciate you for everything man.
It's been a fun one to edit.
I'm excited.
Merry Christmas.
I love Christmas, these all are screwed.
Whoever, Charlie's a Scrooge, I bet Jake's a Scrooge.
Well you know what I mean by that.
Yeah.
Alright.
Good shit.
Fireside chats.
Hat grass.
Yeah I do wish it was like 60.
Oh man.
It's like 38, 37 degrees out here.
It's cold.
It's a milf temperature.
35.
Get out of my face.
I bet.
Good thing it's not the temperature.
I got one side out.
One side out.
It wasn't that bad.
I was laughing at it.
Okay I laughed.
Yeah, Cobb.
I don't know.
Cobb gets a bad rep but I don't remember.
I think it's on the trailer park people.
That church.
Is that what it is?
It's probably way in the past.
Not way in the past but in the past more.
I think a few years ago.
Yeah.
I used to work for.
We are in the most well lit area.
I used to work for a company where they drive like
truck parks in different places.
And I was in Aberville.
My brother was my boss.
He was like, get your ass out of Aberville.
Let's go to that.
Get out.
Really?
Yeah, he could do it with a sundae on his hands.
I just wear it all the way.
Just so they didn't see it.
Oh no.
I don't want to go where he's at.
I feel like he's going to get their charge.
I feel like he might find a way man.
I mean he's got a shit ton of money.
I mean to this point I don't know
what he's being arrested for.
I don't know.
I guess human trafficking.
Right who though?
We got to help.
Who cares?
I don't see not one victim come up here saying I'm.
He's arrested for being gay honestly.
There you go.
That meat mill tape that came out.
Or the audio that came out of his face.
I like to imagine it for real.
I don't.
Jake's starting to piss me off.
What do you do?
He's just not here yet.
Where the fuck are they?
And you know the camera has been pointed
at the ground inside.
I'm going to do a lap look for him.
Look at this fucking.
You can't do anything with that.
Is that vapor weed?
You got that over here.
I know.
Hey stock up on those.
RFK is not allowing this shit.
Wait, what type of pen is that?
Is there food coloring in this too?
Is that that nicotine one?
This is the strawberry mango.
You're going to start sounding like him
if you keep hitting that.
There's nothing wrong with these.
Everything's fine with it.
It's the coloring, the food.
Die.
And have to leave early to check my car for bombs.
JJ, you helped me educate a dude
about Red 40 in my job.
Hell yeah, dude.
I was like yeah.
You tell him the good word?
No, I gave him the bad word.
I was like you need to watch out for that man.
It's a Red 40 in there.
He's like damn, that's probably what's been going on.
I found on Amazon we can just buy a tub of it.
Oh you really?
Pure Red 40, I think we should drink it.
Chug it for the pond.
See what happens.
How much do you think you can get down?
All of it.
Die.
Have we just put some flavor in there?
No, yeah.
I don't know what it tastes like.
Put some grenadine in there.
Probably strawberries.
Yeah.
I think it just tastes like liquid.
I don't think it has much of a taste on its own.
But what do they claim it makes you ADHD?
ADHD just affects your neurological health
and just scatters your brain.
Okay.
There's no problem.
So we can see.
Not bad.
I think we've already done a little more damage
than some of these guys, a Red 40 will ever do.
He's looking at me, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, it probably did, fuck man.
Oh, Charlie's back.
They used Red 40 to make that hat.
Oh yeah.
Impossible.
Jake Moxley.
Hey.
How you doing, baby?
I'm good.
I just took a massive scrap eats in the bathroom.
Oh yeah.
It was solid, dude.
It was solid, unlike his acts, you know.
Why?
God.
Damn.
What's up, dude?
He's getting booked on shows.
He has at least seven shows a week.
He is funnier than you, Jake.
There's a lot of work for gay comics, you know.
Like there's a lot of stuff that you can do.
It's true.
And nobody's.
He's not, he's clean.
You can get work if you go clean.
Not sexually, I'll tell you that.
This guy's patient zero for HPV in the community.
I'm just gonna let that be known.
I don't know if that's a factual statement,
but he does have genital warts.
What else are we talking about?
He calls him his ladybugs.
I don't know.
Jake, you know you're the most requested person
to have back on the show.
Yeah, by Kenny, it's awesome.
It's just by Kenny.
Yeah, dude, he's my fan.
He's my fan.
He loves you.
I'm his fan, you know.
We shower together.
Sometimes.
Respect.
Kenny Loggins, man.
Yeah, that's right.
Danger Zone.
I'm just fucking with you.
Yeah, yeah.
And what the fool believes.
This is what I can't believe, dude,
is you clean up the shit, right?
Like Brandon, somebody shit all over the bathroom,
and it's on you, and you're like, you got gloves?
They're like, nah.
Oh, now that part, I'm not doing it.
We ain't got gloves, man.
That's not even the craziest part.
They're at the end, they're like,
sorry about that, dude, you want a sandwich?
And you're like, yeah, can I have a whole one?
They're like, nah.
Nah.
Exactly.
You can have half a sandwich.
You got half of it in the toilet.
You get half a sandwich.
It could be worse.
It could be PTSD.
What you been up to, man?
Nothing, dude, I'm just doing these shows all over,
of course, you know me, it's like, I can't go a day.
They're like, we need you for something else.
Oh my God.
We haven't talked to you since you went on the road
with Uncle Lazer.
I know, I know.
The great Uncle Lazer.
The great Uncle Lazer, dude, and I'll never go back.
We shared a bed.
You guys slept together in a bed.
We slept together in a bed.
I also slept with David Lyman and Casio.
It was wild because when I slept in the bed
with David Lyman, he had his back to me, right?
And he was doing something with his phone
and he turned over to me
and he was like wearing nothing but eyeliner.
Ooh.
He just turns over and he was just like,
you gonna get that light?
I'm like, you gonna wash your face, dog?
You just gonna get next to me in bed
and curl up with eyeliner?
Damn.
Yeah, but we made love.
Who was the best?
Casio.
I knew that I was gonna gas that.
Because of his pressure.
Yeah. Because of his pressure.
You know who else got the pressure?
Our resident green bay gay here, you know?
Like, yeah, come on.
The bear of green bay.
No, I'm kidding.
That'd be a good name.
Get your applause.
That would be a good bear name.
That would be a good gay name.
So when are you gonna cut your fucking hair?
Never, dude, I'm like Samson.
Do you want me to be funny?
Like, come on.
Like, it'll, I'll lose it all.
The people of Pulaski are waiting.
They're waiting.
I'll never get them back, dude.
The first clown college show, yeah,
you killed them out there.
The first clown college show
was the one we did at Shnanigan.
No, this was for Just Stand Up, though.
That one wasn't much better.
That we got paid to do Just Stand Up
and we have not got paid again, too.
The Cody Mac family will never forgive you.
Yeah.
How was the apartment show, the last one we did?
It was good, dude.
It was good.
We absolutely murdered, of course.
The only murder at the apartment shows,
they never go wrong in any way, dude.
It was so, it was rough.
It was rough.
Like, I was laughing so hard when you went up
because I didn't realize how many pedophile jokes you had.
Until, until it's like, until they're not,
like they're not, they're clearly not feeling the first one.
Until there's a room full of children.
Yeah, dude.
Everybody brought their kids.
They were just like, yeah.
Everybody had their kids.
They're just like, we're ready for comedy.
You know, like, I'm just like,
you guys ever fucking a kid?
I don't know.
Like, they weren't having it.
They weren't having it.
I love your new joke, though, the teacher.
Oh, thank you, man.
That's a great joke.
I don't care if they didn't laugh.
Yeah.
It's got them a couple times.
Sometimes they're just like, whoa.
Yeah, but that's a lot of my stuff.
Yeah.
What have you guys been doing, huh?
Just each other?
No?
No, yeah.
All right.
We passed Brandon around once in a while.
Just like, no.
No.
Jake, we got you something.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
I feel about as welcome as a gay guy giving blood.
Here we go.
Here we go, man.
That's welcome.
Hey.
Here we go.
It's a menorah.
All right.
It's a shirt.
I've only got four of these.
Hey.
You have that exact same one.
In an XL.
Nice.
And this is, I wear these all the time.
Damn.
We do.
Thank you, guys.
I think it's an XL, because that's what we call a gold shirt.
Nice.
It's like, one day I'll be able to wear this.
My first thought was, this can be a little tight.
We go.
Oh, we got more things in here.
Nice.
All right.
Mediterranean style filets.
I'm guessing these are anchovies.
It's mackerel.
It's because of your pinky nose.
Nice.
Don't you guys eat mackerel?
Wonderful.
If it's a whitefish, I guess, dude.
You know, probably.
You could put it on a bagel.
Damn.
You know, like, shit.
There's some of these.
I really love anchovies and sardines, actually.
Do you really?
Yeah, I really do.
Have you ever had a pizza?
No, I knew he was going to say, I knew it.
You ever had a pizza?
I've had anchovies on pizza, like a pineapple pizza.
But no, you're not talking about any pizza.
No, man.
I'm talking about like, at Starz Market.
No, I've never had one of those, dude.
I wouldn't go in there and get that.
You know, like.
I'm going to bring you one, man, dude.
It's going to change your life.
No, you don't have to, you know.
All right.
No, I'm kidding.
I would like one.
Starz Market?
You've never been to a Starz Market?
Mm-mm.
Maybe, huh.
There used to be one by my house, but it closed down.
One near Five Points near my place.
Nice.
There's one left, and you know, it's just.
It's great.
It's real classy stuff.
Is it like a Piggly Wiggly or something like that?
Yes.
OK.
It's a step above a Piggly Wiggly.
Really?
Yeah.
If I do say so.
One of the pharmacists tried to violate me.
But he didn't succeed.
No.
That's right.
It was that.
You remember when I told you I was doing security at the BBC,
and that my mom was crazy drunk, and she just kept on coming up
to me and trying to hug me and show me her autistic son?
Like, I got an autistic son too.
She said too.
And then she was like whispering,
trying to whisper in my ear and stuff,
and just kept trying to touch me.
What was she whispering?
She'd be like, oh, man, you ever heard this song?
And I'd be like, get closer.
And I'm like, no, I'm not.
I don't know you.
This is weird.
And then she got kicked out, came back in,
tried to give me a hug.
But I was at my job, and I'm already taken.
Yeah, that's true.
Because you're a good man.
Yes, I am a good man.
Thank you.
Yes.
Thank you.
Show him the ring, Brandon.
Thank you, everybody.
Oh, yeah, show him the ring.
You'll have it.
Yeah, I was in a rush this morning.
I didn't get to get back to the house.
Oh, my gosh.
It happened.
It's such a bad start.
I bet I do.
I've been in a rush this whole day.
That's why I'm sweating.
Good thing she does not watch the party.
That's why.
She knows.
She knows you left it.
She get mad at you?
No, because she understands.
Because sometimes we'll put on this, what is that thing called?
The sink.
My stand?
Like we'll put it on the sink so when we wake up in the morning,
we remember when we run out.
And sometimes I get up real early and I'm in a rush.
Because I'm like, damn, I'm going to be fucking late.
And then I accidentally forget about my stand.
I can't wait till you trade it in for a green lantern ring.
Oh, my gosh.
And every morning you wake up in brightest day and darkest
night.
Dude.
When you guys get married, are you going to do some kind of
rings like that?
I was going to say nerdship.
The Pledge of Allegiance to each other?
That would be awesome.
That is a good idea.
I can get that.
That's how you start.
You started off with the Pledge of Allegiance.
You remember that?
In half and in whole sub, I will cherish you.
Oh, my Buffalo sub, man.
Hell yeah.
And Buffalo either or.
Mm-hmm.
True.
Do you guys think you remember the Pledge of Allegiance?
Yeah.
Yes.
I'm an American.
I don't know if I remember.
Let me see.
Stand on three.
Try to pull up a picture of the flag.
Oh, OK.
Hold on, everybody.
Now, I can't stand up.
If y'all want to stand up, we can pick it.
We're not going to stand.
OK.
Y'all are already standing.
All right, let's see.
Dom might kneel.
You guys ready?
One, two, three.
Come on, Dan.
Hold on.
He's standing on his titty, though.
OK.
Is it wrong hand?
Which one is the heart on the right side?
Left.
I failed anatomy.
What would it be like left handed, though?
Is it different?
No, same for right or left handed.
All right.
One, two, three.
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God,
indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Brandon.
Good job.
Very close.
Hey, all the Mexicans just moved out.
All right, thanks.
I can say it in Spanish.
Oh, wow.
That's it.
Good old Fidelito.
That's it.
I can't do that.
Mm-mm.
Hell, yeah.
But I can do Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star in French.
Nice.
OK.
Nice.
Do the first bar.
OK.
It's Petite Etoi, Sinti, Sinti.
I don't remember.
That's it.
But that's a good start.
That was great, man.
Petite Etoi?
Petite Etoi.
Sinti, Sinti.
How about you?
Can you do something in a Russian accent?
Always.
I also speak a lot of Spanish.
Anybody want to hear that?
All right.
No, I don't know.
I could do like, I pledge allegiance to Americas
for United States of Americas and to the republic for which
I stand, one nation under the God, indivisible,
with liberty and the justice for all white people.
That's good.
It's like Gru.
Mm-hmm.
It's for me.
The pointy nose, Charlie.
Oh!
He gets you off so you can't say anything back.
There it is.
I was terrified.
You going to do be like a Russian mobster for us?
Ooh.
What would you think?
What do you want your Russian character to be?
I would want him to be like a dude that
pedals illegal horse semen.
No.
You know?
I'm liking this.
This is like a good horse.
Yes, make strong cock.
Boom, for the filly, fill lots of sperm.
You buying?
Something like that.
Me and Charlie talked about this a lot.
Like every Arabic dude that's ever sold you anything
is like, they've never met you a day in your life,
but you're their best friend.
No.
Oh my god.
My friend.
Yes.
Got harassed.
That's his people too.
The Armenians.
Armenians.
We consider ourselves Arabs.
Slow down.
It is Caucasian.
You got Kim.
You got Kim Kardashian.
She's an army.
Cher?
All right.
My friend will get you to buy anything, man.
You say my friend enough, you don't even
know what's going on at the end of it.
I remember this dude kept saying,
they were like, my friend, come over here.
I wasn't even trying to eat.
And they just hand me the sample.
My friend, come over here.
And I'm in line.
They're like, give me your card.
I handed my card.
And I bought a whole ass meal.
I'm like, well, fuck it.
All right.
Whatever.
I ate it too.
What was the meal?
I don't even remember.
What was the meal?
I don't even remember.
That's how bad it was.
I was like, all right.
Just, all right.
Fuck it.
That was good.
That was a free sample at the mall.
No, but then they gave me a whole tray of it
and was like, it's good?
Take this.
Give me a card.
I was like, oh, fuck.
All right.
Nice.
I was a child, man.
You know, I didn't know.
How old were you?
15, man.
Shit, I'm young.
I know the people at the mall selling the shoe cleaner
have a field day.
Oh, dude, I do.
You leave with the whole package.
Dude, they always get me.
But here's the thing.
When they do it, they'll be like, oh, you going to pay for it?
I'm like, I'm not.
I'm sorry.
I'm not going.
Not today, man.
I'll see you.
And then you're like, oh, when will I expect you back?
And then pull out a book.
And I'm like, dude, no.
You write your name in the book so they'll like it?
No, dude.
I'll get the fuck out of here.
I hate that shit, man.
I hate it.
Because they harass me all damn day.
And then I'll be like, I don't want to buy it.
And then they'll be like, what's his name?
It's Boosie.
They'll take the Boosie water, little Boosie water.
That's $3.
Where the fuck are you going?
Where is this at?
It was at Parkway Place Mall for a while.
Outside, inside?
It was inside for a while.
Inside the parking garage?
No, inside the place in the middle.
Crack grapes and Boosie water?
Yes.
They'd be like, hey, man, take this Boosie water.
And then they'll be like, what's this?
And then take this Boosie badass water.
And it'll be like some water that I don't know that he's made.
That's G-A-B.
Whatever it is.
And then they'd be like, this is $2.
Only take a cap.
Don't like that place, man.
What store is that?
Oh, it's gone now.
That's not American Eagle.
I don't know what the place was called.
It's in the middle, though, right?
It used to be in the middle.
They left.
Yeah.
They just took off now.
Right now, they're selling a whole bunch of wooden trinkets
of Catholic saints and stuff.
They're selling this like an Arabic guy
with a bunch of wooden Catholic shit.
And calendars.
When the fuck is the last time you've been in them all?
I was just there for Cajun Grill.
Shout out Cajun Grill.
So good, dude.
The fruit flies just add to it.
Sobranos.
Nothing to that.
The pizza flies.
Sbaros?
Sbaros, my bad.
That's a place.
I got the Sram Broly, the big ass pepperoni pizza slice.
And then we ended it with some, what was it, a bread stick.
And then blue raspberry lemonade.
Which they always have 100 of at all times.
Yeah, and then they reheated it.
I respected that.
Yeah, that's better.
OK, you baking it twice.
Twice bake, man.
Nice.
Didn't have to do that.
I love it.
What do you have to say about that, Jake?
How much did it cost exactly?
$16.
That's too much.
That was too much.
For one person?
Oh, yeah.
Damn.
I regretted it.
I really did.
Especially when I ate it all.
I was like, fuck, man.
Spent $16 on this fucking meal.
I ate in two seconds.
You still hungry?
No, I was full of shit.
Oh my gosh.
Well, it did the job.
Oh my gosh.
Did you go to the ice cream place after?
Did I go to the ice cream place after?
No.
I went home and made some mac and cheese.
What are the cracked grapes?
Huh?
What are cracked grapes?
So what it is is grapes dipped in melted jolly ranchers.
Nice.
And then when they do that, they get some Kool-Aid
and just roll it, like shake it around.
Yeah, and then they let it dry.
It's like moon rocks.
And you just eat that.
Hey, but you don't smoke them.
No.
Sadly, no.
It's not worth the money.
How much were they?
I think it was like $10.
That's too much.
Something like that.
Too much.
Jolly ranchers are like $0.50 a metric ton for $0.05.
Yeah.
And they got cotton candy grapes due to all these bitches' fire.
Publix.
Go check them out.
I have had those.
Those good, right?
Those are naturally occurring.
They'll change your life.
Yeah.
I had a click in my head for it, so it took a little second.
It's been $0.58.
I'm used to it.
Yeah.
I'm glad you wore your nice shirt with the holes in it.
Me too.
I did, dude.
I did.
How many does he got?
It's inside out, actually.
It's inside out.
But there's two holes.
We always have a bet over and under.
He's worried about the holes.
Three holes is whenever Jay comes out, over and under three
holes.
Hell yeah.
This is just high fashion.
It's like Adam Sandler, man.
Hey.
He is.
Hey, Adam Sandler.
He is.
I'm the worst parts of Adam Sandler.
I got Judaism, bad clothes.
That's it.
All right, Jay.
You got anything coming up?
Of course.
You know, I got some apartment shows.
They're members only.
And can't get into those.
You know how it is.
That's about it.
And that's about it.
Me and Charlie are doing a podcast.
Hell yeah.
That's what I was trying to get out of Charlie.
I'm going for it.
Well, you know, it has a name.
And we'll be doing that.
You don't have the name.
But who else is in there with you?
Another guy, Charles Hood.
He's a male.
See you guys when you got yourself a Brandon.
We did.
You can never be what Brandon is.
Thank you, man.
Brandon's one of a kind.
Nobody's a reporter.
You guys are all white over there.
The way they wanted it.
I mean, yeah, the way we wanted it.
Oh, my gosh.
Uncle Tom has Snoobians, you know?
Oh.
No.
You two noobs.
That's the name of the podcast.
It's Noobs and You Coobs.
What kind of food y'all got over there?
Cabbage?
A lot of gefilka.
You know, matzo ball, whatever Charlie is.
Jack's pizza with too many onions on it.
Jack's pizza with entirely just enough onions.
And that's pretty much it.
Tomatoes are also on the pizza.
You slice your own tomatoes on it?
Of course I do.
And then you put it in the oven with them.
Can you imagine all the women?
I'm going to be real with you.
The pizza is very good.
But I do take out the tomatoes sometimes, man.
And too many onions.
Everything that he puts on there, you take off.
Yeah.
I mean, no, no, no, wait.
I like this.
I'll eat it.
But after a couple of them, I'm like, OK, man.
I'm tired of these tomatoes.
Seasoning's perfect, though.
I'm going to expose you, Brandon.
Because one time me and Brandon were talking.
And I was like, Jake puts too many onions on those pizza.
And Brandon was like, no, no, man.
He puts too many.
He was like, don't tell him.
But he puts too many.
He did say that.
That really did happen.
That's why I take them out sometimes.
He's like, don't tell him.
But he does take them out sometimes.
Imagine all the women who have had disappointing sex.
And then Jake fed them that.
It's like, do you have anything to drink in the fridge?
No.
As you want to Lukewarm one.
I bought 48 Mexican colas.
So that is in the fridge.
You've seen it?
Yeah.
All right, thank you, baby.
Hell yeah.
Anyway, the pod Mexican cola.
Best cola.
It is the best cola.
He knows.
Oh, yeah.
I'm cold.
What the fuck?
That was weird as hell.
That was very weird.
I saw that.
Alex will see that in the edit.
Keep that in, please.
Sup, Alex.
Oh, shitty right there.
All right, thanks for coming on.
Get the fuck up.
Bye, y'all.
Let's watch him walk off.
Hell yeah.
Try to get out of here.
Alex, please don't cut this out.
It's going to be a challenge.
Don't fall.
Good job.
Hey.
Good job.
Nimble, dude.
Hell yeah.
How you guys doing?
Today I'm at the Kindle Fair.
Today I'm going to eat some chimney.
What is it called again?
Chimney cake.
The famous chimney cake.
It's the famous chimney cake.
Man, what do we have here?
We have, look like rolls maybe on a rack.
I know it's on a rack, but a rotisserie.
What is it?
Rotisserie?
Dogon saldo bread.
I don't know if it's saldo.
I just said saldo.
It looks like it might be some type of cinnamon roll.
And they smoking it too, man.
It's got a, look, I don't know what kind of wood
that could be.
No, that's charcoal.
I wonder what they're going to put in the middle
of those rolls, man.
He got the salt.
He's shaking on that fire, making it jump.
Yeah, I know.
He like, hell yeah.
He talking to me.
I see him.
Got the JLCL dog on grill.
Need to do that shit when we smoke weed.
She even put some seasoning in the weed, like sprinkling the
weed, some paprika with a little cinnamon.
Yeah, they been in prison all of them.
She finna go.
Nah, she wanted to date one of them.
Them dudes back there got the same hoodies on, man.
Them dudes looks spooky and shit back there, bro.
This looks kind of weird.
But their food looks good.
Is that butter?
Whipped cream?
I can't see what that filling is.
No white people good at making pastries.
They real good at that.
And barbecue.
White people can get down with the grill.
I'm not even in front.
I don't know.
They can't make no greens.
They don't use no seasoning.
I don't know if that's cheese or dog on custard.
Ice cream?
I don't know.
She getting that stuff right.
That is a carnival food, though.
But they don't like carnival workers, though.
They look different.
That's unique right there.
That's a unique dish.
Yeah, it is whipped cream.
I don't know if there's lemon, a lemon glaze inside of it,
or if it's a custard.
It's hard to kind of tell.
But I see the big guys eating.
Brandon's playing.
Look here, man.
I'm telling you.
I got it from him over there.
Yeah, he's looking at me now.
What?
Oh, it is a German place.
I'm going to turn back around.
Pat Grash is going to be a Nazi.
A black Nazi.
What the fuck?
Eating pudding pies.
Pretty American right there, Brandon.
Oh.
Yeah, it is American.
God damn right.
Oh, yeah.
It's fucking country.
Yes.
We're here because of what?
Because of the troops.
And they are?
And they are great people.
Most of them, you know what I mean?
You're close.
Well, not all of them, because I have a friend who raped somebody
and he's in jail for 30 years.
Not friend.
I don't got it.
He's your friend?
No, not my friend.
He's the person I just was in the military with.
Another one who killed his whole family.
But he did leave with a friend.
And Robert E. Lee and Hitler.
You know, that's bad.
Hitler was never on the, was never in our troops.
Oh, my bad.
I'm sorry.
I started talking about troops in general.
Let's cut that off.
And Robert E. Lee was only in our troop.
Not my troop.
He got nothing to do with that guy, man.
I got nothing.
Nope.
Detroit.
Big sexy.
Jackie Poo.
Hell yeah, dude.
What's up, baby?
You going to pull that down a little bit, too?
How's he sound?
We do have a flimsy ass tape.
We're going to shit up.
This is like the weakest transformer.
Brandon's going to get slammed through it at some point.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Adam Priest is episode.
And nobody will touch him.
He'll just fall through.
Yeah.
Have to try to have Adam Priest on next.
Yeah.
We'll work on that.
All right, Jack.
Our producer extraordinaire has been here since day one.
Since day one?
This is a day one shorty right here.
He believed that's what nobody else did.
Hell yeah, dude.
And to repay you, we got something for you, Jack.
Right off the bat.
Oh, that's Jake's that he didn't fucking take.
Nope.
Sit down there and think about it.
Wait until next year, buddy.
There you go, Jack.
Let's see what's going on here.
I'm going to eat your fish now.
You going to put it on a pizza?
No, I'm just kidding.
I love you, man.
Some Fire Walk ramen.
Because people might not know this.
He's not one of us.
Yeah.
And I bet you that's a play on fireworks.
Ooh, OK, hold up.
You got that.
Let's see what else is in here.
Ooh, some espresso rose coffee.
I do drink a lot of coffee.
You drink every time I see you.
And that's the white half.
And that's the espresso, dude.
Is that Starbucks?
Yeah.
No.
Fancy.
White stuff you wouldn't know about.
I'm not that level of white.
I'm white monster can white.
But speaking of which, speaking of white monster cans,
and you know this has been a year for me.
Outside of clown college has probably
been like the worst year, whereas you guys have really
held it all together for me.
So I appreciate you guys.
And to show that appreciation, I've
gotten you guys a little bit of something here.
Alex already opened his.
He got a kimono.
Oh my god.
First of all, why was he not wearing that?
What the hell?
It was right as he was walking.
So that's nice.
And Dom, your stuff's not actually here yet.
So I'd do you a little side quest, little till the wait.
So here we go.
We have the natty daddy in the bag.
Oh my god.
Oh shit.
Come on, baby.
Natty daddy, dude.
I never have 8%.
What's that?
I love you, baby.
That's worth at least like a 30 minute drive.
Oh, yeah.
You can get 30 minutes in this.
Yeah, you can get 30 minutes in this.
We got some stuff for JJ right here.
Oh, thanks, man.
And here's a B Smooth.
Oh, thank you.
I got you one sec.
Damn.
This one's fancy.
JJ's going to bust another fist bucket.
Let's see.
I'm going to open this one up, dude.
Oh shit.
Yo.
Oh shit.
WCW card?
Fuck me.
Shit.
WCW?
How the fuck did you get those?
25, 2 for 20.
This is 1991, 92?
Did you see who it was for?
Holy shit.
JJ and woman.
And woman.
Yes, the unnamed woman who does my bidding.
So that's both of you.
That should cover both of you.
That's 2 for 20.
Me and Natty.
And the tab.
Or me in $25 Redis.
I'll be carried out of Applebee's Honest Stretcher.
Thank you, Jack.
This is sick.
Hell yeah, man.
What'd you get, Brandon?
I got WCW cards from 1991.
Dude, I could never open these, man.
These are so perfect.
How the fuck, Jack?
How the fuck do you do this?
1991.
That's insane.
Fuck yeah.
Hell yeah.
This is a game.
Still a couple more things.
And this one's from Jack.
Oh, fuck yeah, dude.
Hell yeah.
What's that?
Is it Pokemon?
The 50 shiny foil cards.
No duplicates.
Ooh.
Dude, I'm busting this shit.
Oh, that's big time.
Me too, man.
I hope there's a Brilume in here.
I don't know.
That looks like, isn't that only the original 151?
Oh, no.
That's all of them.
Oh, shit.
This is from the new set.
Holy shit.
Cheesecake Factory, man.
Dude, thank you, man.
You figure you'd get an appetizer?
Dude, hell yeah.
I already know what I'm going to get, man.
Mac and cheese bites with a cheesecake.
You've already been through that menu?
Yes.
Yeah, I've read it.
I've read it.
That counts as like a summer.
And then I had like half of a cheesecake.
You know, my mom brought back a celebration cheesecake.
She was like, you know, I ate half of it.
I'll charge you $2 if you want to eat the rest.
I'm full.
Your mom charged you $2 to eat the rest of it?
Oh, yeah.
She'll charge me money for something sometimes.
Thank you, Jack.
You got to earn your keep, baby.
You got to earn your keep.
Brandon's got another thing.
Oh, man.
And we got some more for you, Dom.
You know me so well, Jack.
Beer and cigarettes, man.
I've never been more happy.
I was just literally on my last pack right there.
Hell, yeah.
Do we got the card sleeves?
The sleeves are protectors, dude.
Oh, shit.
We got the New Day right here.
Look at this.
Bootie-os, man.
Hell, yeah.
New Day Rocks.
Oh, those are the wrestler dudes.
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
Damn, man.
Sadly, they breaking up now.
But you got them when they were together.
Hell, yeah.
Forever and ever and ever, man.
It's Brandon, Dante, and Mike Sales.
Yes.
And I'm Big E, man.
I claim Big E.
Dante would be, you know what?
Fuck, he'd be Xavier Woods.
Mike Sales.
I guess we'll give him Kofi Kingston.
I claim Big E, man, before the neck injury.
Dante has to be Kofi, because Kofi used to be Jamaican.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, then you know what?
We'll give him that.
Mike Sales.
He could be Xavier Woods.
Hell, yeah.
Me, Big E, man.
Hell, yeah.
Big E.
Oh, shit, dude.
We got actual packs, man.
Oh, shit.
Dude.
And the three legendary birds, bro.
What are you trying to fuck, Jack?
That's my question, man.
That's my fucking question.
Thank you, man.
You got me fucking.
Hell, yeah.
It's just the other shit, baby.
Thank you, Jack.
We appreciate you, man.
And I love the thing that Bob and I are, man.
It's a little heavy.
And tough to find.
Oh, damn.
Holy shit.
This is heavy as fuck.
Don't move.
Oh, man.
I just wanted you to know how heavy it was.
Oh, my gosh.
Sound like a basketball.
Oh, man.
It was bouncing.
There's no way, dude.
What is it, dude?
The red monster, dude.
You can't find the red.
There's 15 red monsters.
Holy shit.
Oh, my gosh.
I won't be able to form a sentence.
Dude, Jack, thank you.
This is actually crazy.
This is so hard to find.
Jack, I don't know how you do it, man.
Oh, my gosh.
Now you can drink all that rare 40 you wanted to drink, man.
Yeah, dude.
And get energy and pass out.
Hell, yeah, dude.
I mean, you could save that, too,
because in a couple years, that's
probably going to be worth some big money.
I'm going to have to do art-taking.
This is an investment.
This will be Bitcoin after the world ends.
Once the singularity happens, this is Bitcoin, dude.
That's like me with the Hock Hogan beer, man.
You got to save them.
I can't believe this, man.
Thank you, dude.
Hell, yeah.
No problem.
Love you guys.
Love you.
Love you, too, man.
What did you fucking know, dude?
Wow.
I'm in shock.
I can see that.
I know people don't understand.
This is insane.
This is like looking at the Ark of the Covenant.
You found it.
We found it, bro.
Well, Jack found it.
The man, Jack.
Best producer of all time.
Sorry I slammed it on the chair.
Gave me these free, great, wonderful men right here, man.
Hell, yeah.
Yes, he did.
New Day Rocks.
Yeah.
You know how it is.
Yeah.
Booty O's, New Day Rocks.
They do it like this?
Yeah.
That's how they do it.
He's got a trombone.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
He's got a trombone.
He ain't just walking out there like, hey, kid,
look at this.
No, I'm yanking my false unicorn with my horns.
Oh, shit.
Jack, you are the shit, man.
Yes, you are, man.
Thank you.
Appreciate you.
We got some big shit coming up this year, man.
Hopefully.
Great fucking rock and roll.
Hell, yeah.
Always.
Yeah, every week.
And that sketch you just pitched in the dude.
That's going to be so good.
It's going to be so good.
If you guys don't know, Jack's behind a lot of skits,
writing, everything.
He does all the producing for the show,
even though Brandon's technically our producer.
And Alex sets up most everything.
Alex sets up everything.
And I just do a little bit of research when there's guests.
A little bit?
Research is extraordinary.
We've got enough research on everybody
to come back three times.
What'd you say?
The Nard War of Huntsville comedy.
Exactly.
Thorough research, dude.
You work harder every week on every guest
I've ever put in any college assignment in my life.
Damn.
In terms of research.
Me too.
Yeah, Jack, man, dude, I always say that.
I'm so glad that you want to do comedy and stuff for research.
Because, dude, if you were in the CIA or a stalker
or any of that, or just a straight up serial killer, man,
like Ted Bundy, one of them, you would be crazy.
I appreciate that.
You would be perfect.
You would be like a mastermind hit man, bro.
Hell, yeah.
Equalizer three.
Not Denzel, Jack.
Oh.
I could go the Luigi route.
But not get caught.
You definitely wouldn't get caught.
Have you ever not stopped?
No.
We won't say that.
Have you ever did research on somebody who didn't know,
they made you mad or something like that?
No.
I know most of my stuff from figuring out about Nard War.
That's how I found out, oh, you can do research on people.
Because people don't remember their own lives past a year.
So then they're freaked out.
They're like, whoa, I did that?
And it's like, yeah.
You've posted extensively about this.
My greatest fear is that in DC comics, the Justice League,
Batman has this thing called the Doomsday Protocol,
where he has a way to kill every member of the Justice
League if they start acting out.
I'm scared that Jack has just a mountain of dirt on each of us.
Oh, yeah.
Without a doubt.
And we'll just put us under, dude, without mercy.
Because I've done things.
And I'm going to keep doing things.
That's what we always treat Jack right.
Yeah.
I am always treated right.
Get a home-cooked meal.
The love from Brandon.
Love you.
JJ, you there?
He doesn't do anything.
He didn't explain he didn't do anything.
But I'm in Southern.
Oh, well, I got you to.
All right, Brandon.
OK.
And then JJ.
Hell, yeah.
Oh, my gosh, dude.
Holy shit.
Oh, man.
Thank you.
Oh, let's see.
I'm excited.
You open that like Dennis Rodman for real?
Oh, shit, man.
How did you know this was my movie?
Shut the fuck up.
Did that really your movie?
Man, I loved this shit back in the day.
What is it?
It's a Shark Point Lava Girl.
I used to watch this all day.
You had George Lopez on the TV screen, man.
I think you'll like it, Brandon.
Hell, yeah, man.
I just, something told me.
I didn't see the sequel, though, because, you know,
I'm old now.
Yeah.
I didn't know there was a sequel.
I mean, they're old, too, but it's weird, man.
It's part of the Sky Kids, the Spy Kids universe, right?
Yes.
Yes, it is.
Let's see what else we got.
Holy shit.
I never thought I'd see the day, dude.
Hell, yeah.
A shirt that fits.
I know, man.
I got it in the right side.
Yeah, this is what I get now.
XL, we've upgraded to it.
We're going to lose it, though.
Yeah.
Going to go back to large.
I got some Ozempic in there if you want.
Double dabble in it.
It's off-brand.
It's actually not legal.
And I said I'm doing it for study purposes,
but it's in there.
I'll hit you up later, man.
OK.
I got some beard balm, dude.
It's got a picture of, it's Amish.
It's got Jonathan Silver on the front of it, dude.
For his sake.
My guy.
And then, dude.
This, combined with the Monster Red 40, nobody can stop me,
dude.
Nobody can fucking stop me.
Damn.
Breakfast of champions.
Now, question.
Did you get that from Publix or Walmart?
That, Walmart.
Damn, man.
If you went to Publix, you know we had buy one, get one free.
It's a go-go right now.
Like, dude, you know how many of those I ate?
I had about five of those every day of the week.
Five of what?
I mean, my bad.
I would eat those M&M's.
Do you have a whole bag a day?
I tried not to, man.
I really tried not to.
But that's how it happened.
You eat them while you're working?
No, I'm talking about when I was at the house.
I brought them home, and I was like, let me get a couple.
Playing the game, watching TV, just popping them home.
Yep.
And then I'm like, damn, they're gone.
Do you guys eat around the chocolate
and try to get the peanut whole?
Sometimes, yeah.
If I want to play with it a little.
Little game, you know what I mean?
Uh-huh.
Sometimes I'll half it and just have the peanut sticking out
and pretend like I'm Dan Price and just get up in there.
Man, respect.
Don't tell Dan secrets of it.
I was just saying, I was just saying he eats chocolate.
What's your favorite M&M?
My favorite M&M?
Well, peanut M&M.
Oh, just peanuts?
What you got?
Did you just judge me?
Peanut.
No, actually peanut butter.
Peanut butter?
Yeah, that's a good one, too.
Brandon's fucking dizzying me.
No, man, dude, you're good.
Peanut butter.
Well, I didn't try it yet because I was like,
that's too fucking risky right now.
It's buying one, getting one free.
You got a bunch of M&M's.
They have peanut butter and jelly.
Ooh.
Did you know that?
I think I'd be down for that.
What, grape jelly, I'm guessing?
I think so.
We should try them.
We should.
Yeah, I'm down for that.
They have dark chocolate peanut M&M's,
but you can only buy them online,
and they're always sold out.
I don't like those, though.
I never have.
I don't like dark chocolate.
I love dark chocolate, dude.
I can't talk.
Diver.
That's why I've always liked Brandon more than you do.
See, look at that, Diver.
See, I respect that.
Understandable.
Respect that.
You got milk chocolate, dark chocolate.
OK, all right.
Need some caramel.
Caramel, ooh.
Can't go wrong with caramel.
Got a fucking tiramisu over here.
Yeah, man.
And a swirl almost.
And a swirl almost, if you look at it.
Actually, it is going.
Yes, it is.
No, he's right.
It's going the widest, not as wide.
Me, and then Brandon.
And then Shay.
Thought you didn't like Jews, man.
What?
Not me?
No, you don't.
I love black people, man.
Thank you, man.
I like the Jews, though, too.
Thank you.
I'm just kidding.
I know.
Since Mark Viola showed me the ways.
Oh, yeah, man.
After your lecture of shock therapy.
I think you're finally hitting on what Mark was asking about.
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
The shades.
But see, that's what I thought he was asking.
But when we kept on asking him, he's just like this.
I think he was saying, Brandon, do you look at me different
because I'm light skinned?
And then, right?
I still don't know.
We'll talk about it every episode.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
And he'll just be at home.
Well, he doesn't watch.
But he'll be at home.
Yeah.
He doesn't watch.
I love he also doesn't pay for shows when he goes to them.
Of course.
Yeah.
Why would you do that?
He said, I don't ask any of you guys to pay for my shows
when you come.
I'm like, never once.
Never once did Mark Viola say, I'm on a show, guys.
Yeah, man.
Find out the next day.
Well, Jack, we love you, baby boy.
Love you guys, too.
Love you, man.
So next year, man.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you for everything, big dog.
Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, all that.
All of them.
Yes.
I know those men.
I say that at my job, too, every time.
Oh, you do?
You got to say all of them?
Oh, no, you don't have to.
Everybody just says, happy holidays, man, Christmas.
But sometimes I'll be like, happy Hanukkah.
Have a good one.
You do that to just random people you don't know?
Yeah.
Are you trying to identify them?
Are you like, oh, this is a Jew?
I'm going to say happy Hanukkah.
I just mix it up.
I'm talking about happy Hanukkah.
Kwanzaa.
All right, guys, we're out.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas, guys.
Ho, ho, ho.
What is this, a German chimney cake?
Germans with a chimney cake?
That's a little...
Is this a Cinnabon?
Cinnabon.
All right.
So we got here called, what's it called again?
It's the chimney cake.
The chimney cake.
You didn't like it?
No.
I had like a Broadworth earlier, it started to fuck me up horribly.
What the fuck did you all get?
And then an alcoholic, hot chocolate dip, a friend passed by.
Where the hell did you all go?
What was that place?
The first place we stopped was a Broadworth place, because it looked quick.
So you were to get a thing for Pat to try.
We've been sitting here waiting.
It wasn't that dark.
That's not okay.
But we got good food.
I still have a good food.
So the pork is not letting me get inside, so I'm going to just bite this motherfucker.
Wow.
Pretty good.
It's like a fat ass churro.
I still can't get over the fact they called it a chimney cake.
I know, right?
Hey, no black shit on it.
German's chimney cake.
We might as well get a little more of that.
I know.
They don't have chimney?
Can I be nice and donate this to a kind fellow here?
Even though it's a Christmas spirit.
Yes.
Anybody want to try the chimney cake?
What is it, Lieutenant?
Mike GPT, how do you make German chimney cake?
To make Germany, Germany chicken... damn.
To make Germany chimney cakes, you know what I'm saying?
And then it had some yeast, some flour, bacon soda and shit.
Cake, sourdough, sweet cake, sourdough,
bubble luscious, custard pie cream, sweet cake.
Number one, you gotta be white.
Cause ain't no nigga making no chimney cakes.
Know what I'm saying?
We smoke chimneys and shit.
We make a blunt.
But the chimney, black folks don't deal with chimneys
and Mexicans, they build them.
You know, number one, you gotta be number two,
cause I said number one.
Number two, you gotta be a weed smoker.
They gotta be on some type of, no, German smoke hash.
And that's how they came up with the German chimney cake.
They started in the backwoods of a small town in Germany.
Somewhere like Switzer Kar.
That's a new name, Switzer Kar.
Cause I don't know the name of no German towns and cities.
Merry Christmas everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Honda days.
Hell yeah.
And Hanukkah, Kwanzaa.
Yep, what else we got?
I know you know some of your-
Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa.
Whatever the Flying Spaghetti Monster people celebrate.
The fuck is that?
Krampus.
It's a religion.
No, it's different.
Oh.
Yeah.
I'm just throwing it all out there.
I wanna say I'm very against mall Santa Claus.
Out of all the things that have been canceled,
that makes the most sense to cancel out everything.
It's a guy that signs up to have kids sit on his lap
and whisper in his ear.
He's not a normal guy.
Not at all.
That is not a regular dude doing that.
I'm with you, JJ.
Anything to cancel?
Hell yeah.
That's, let's-
Look at the photos.
All the kids are crying.
Yep.
It's weird.
Because it's a big strange old man.
But he's nice and he's Santa-y.
And he has an erection.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
This sounds like the voice of experience, JJ.
Did Santa hurt you at the mall?
I'm not gonna speak on that.
But I do believe in this wholeheartedly.
That's weird.
It is.
It is now that you say it like that.
I never even considered it like that.
It's almost as weird as when you force your children
to kiss their aunts and uncles.
Oh, hell yeah.
You shouldn't do that.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Tom Brady, he forcefully kisses his son.
That, yeah.
That now-
I usually don't talk about people, nigga,
but he got up in there.
That's weird.
I mean, Tom, you are the goat, but you know.
Yeah.
A kid was like 11 or something like that?
Older than they should've really.
Damn.
See, I'm out of the loop on this one.
Me too.
Look up Tom Brady kissing his son.
Well.
I got you.
Maybe.
Happy holidays.
Tom Brady.
He got that mall Santa up there quick.
Brandon is on it.
Oh, yeah.
Hold it.
Tom Brady kissing his son.
Oh, hell.
Well, just, you know, just go through a couple pictures.
Let us see what we got.
Oh, no, man.
What the hell?
I'm sorry.
You didn't do that with your daddy?
Hell no.
Pop on.
Man, dude, no, no.
I didn't do that.
How old that kid?
Too old.
This is wrong.
I thought that was fake.
Go back to that picture.
I thought that was 100% fake.
This is wrong.
It's fucked.
Yeah, that's-
I should've never brought this.
Yeah, you should have.
But this is a Christmas episode.
I don't like this.
But that's-
Well, I was thinking about that.
Well, I was thinking about family.
You would hate this, but I mean, it's feet.
All together.
That's his feet and the kid's feet.
That's not right.
That's the worst one.
This is all bad.
Really?
No, okay.
You know what?
Yeah, the first feet's not the worst one.
I think this is all bad, but this is even worse.
Like, why the fuck?
He loves his child, Brandon.
How dare you?
Okay, dude, I cannot like that, man.
Yeah.
So, does anybody have anything else?
How you been, Kil?
Happy holidays.
I'm good, how are y'all?
All right, what y'all got going on with shenanigans?
Oh man, everything.
It's all kind of shit for holidays.
When this comes up, when this airs,
the one thing I'm gonna tell you
is you need to jump online, huntsvillelife.com,
grab some tickets for the roast of 2024.
It is gonna be so fucking good.
What day is that?
It's Saturday the 28th.
I think I'll be here.
You need to be here.
Everybody needs to be there.
And you need to get your tickets ahead of time
because it almost always sells out.
Yeah.
Look at Kil over here selling out the big room.
To a boss, I feel you, y'all saying gangsta shit.
I'm gonna host as the Constitution.
Okay.
Yep, but we have Trump, Biden, Harris, JD Vance.
Oh shit.
We have Ray Gunn.
We have Chapel Roan.
We have the South Star Music Festival.
I mean, the list goes on.
That's a person?
Well, they're personifying that dumpster fire
that was the South Star Music Festival.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
But it's a good time.
Hell yeah, who's playing Trump?
Ogre.
God, hey, people come out.
Ogre is bringing back his Trump.
It's gonna be rowdy.
Scott Curtis is doing Biden.
About the same age.
Tammy Jones is Kamala Harris.
Oh shit.
Yep, it's gonna be a good time.
You can get a hold of Tammy, huh?
Nobody else can.
People answer when I call them.
I don't know what to tell you.
You guys can speak for yourself.
JJ's all up in the dims.
I'm not.
She gonna get you.
I'm not.
He likes to talk about it.
Yeah, hell yeah.
So what about, where are you going?
I'm going back home to St. Louis,
and then I'm going to Austin for New Year's.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
So you're gonna dip back in here for a few days
before you go?
Yeah, because I gotta go back to work
for like a day or two.
Oh, that sucks.
Yeah.
But I wouldn't stay in St. Louis.
Shit waits for no one though.
Mm-hmm.
True.
Hell yeah.
That's true.
Shit's real.
I mean, holiday shits are at the worst.
Oh, dude.
That's what I feel bad for,
because they have an on-call,
so everybody has to come in if somebody shit fucks up,
and you know people are dropping stinking.
That's what I'm saying, man.
I drop a good meme too.
I hate whenever you're so over somebody's house,
and they got one bathroom,
and you're about to blow that bitch the fuck up.
You know what I mean?
Shit's gonna be coming out the doors
if you don't have spray in there.
Yeah.
I clocked in to work 25 minutes late today,
and immediately went to the bathroom right after I clocked in.
Damn, man.
I mean, just liquid.
It's important to shit on the clock.
It is.
You know?
Yes, I do believe in freedom.
Me too.
So I'll show up when I show up.
And get paid for shit.
And I got a shit, dude.
Me too.
Now my question is,
did that same mentality apply
before you were working your two week notice?
Yeah.
I was personality higher.
I don't know how I had that job.
It's insane.
But shout out my coworkers though.
They got me these pants and this sweatshirt.
My whole outfit today is brought to you by my coworkers.
I went out with them last night,
and I didn't buy them gifts.
I got them cards, and I put money in there.
I bought one of them a sympathy card.
Are you their grandfather?
Just like it.
I'm in a car with money in it.
Anyway, go ahead, sorry.
I got one of them a sympathy card.
It was like, sorry for your loss or whatever.
I was the loss, cause I'm leaving.
And I was like, the pleasure was all yours.
Kill yourself.
That's what I wrote in the card.
I gave it to her.
She opened it.
She liked it.
And then the other one.
She liked it.
How much money?
That was, oh, 50 bucks.
But the card was $7.
Geez, you were driving.
You were driving 50 spots, dude?
This ain't cheap, bro.
I didn't get y'all shit.
Don't worry.
Man, love you.
I'm here.
Okay, you do know that Dollar Tree sells cards, right?
I had to go right after work, and it was Walmart.
And there was no 98 cent sympathy cards.
And I'd be really fucked up to buy somebody one of those.
Wow, all right.
Another one, I got her like a little kid
Iron Man birthday card.
Nice.
And I wrote.
I respect that.
I wrote Iron Man goes pew pew.
And I said, please don't die alone.
The clock's ticking, because she's 30
and she doesn't have a husband or children,
and it really bothers her.
Oh my God.
And she laughed, but I could tell it hurt.
Damn.
Shout out, Liz and Ansley.
Thanks, guys.
She was.
It's been real.
Can I ask my next question?
So there were just two coworkers?
Yeah, the only two I'm really super close with.
Well, I was thinking you were dropping 50s
for the whole office.
Me too, man.
Oh yeah, that's what I thought you were saying.
They know what I get paid.
Okay.
And I respect you talking earlier about how many,
how you had to take that dump, man.
Yeah.
That's your job, because that shit's real.
Like for the past couple of weeks,
I've been having a pandemic of that, or I have to.
Because my thing is, look, if I don't, it's gonna be bad.
I know I'm on the cash register,
but it's been like, what is this word called?
Diarrhea, every day.
Yeah.
Horribly.
I had it this morning.
Can I ask a clarifying question?
Yes.
Did you say you were having a pandemic of it?
Yes, it was going on for a while.
So it was affecting others.
I was about to say, you know.
Well, it's not affecting others, just affecting-
Pandemic means the entire world.
I take that, but it's been a pandemic for me.
Okay.
And my most and all personalities.
So then it's a brandemic.
Yes, brandemic.
Brandemic.
I get it.
Yeah, get it.
Brandemic.
I earned that one.
But I've been doing that, and it's bad now,
because now I was like for days farting all day too.
And I hate, like, dude, it was so bad.
Are you farting while you're checking people out?
Thankfully, no, I can hold it there.
But yesterday, I forgot where I was
because I was leaving the Ross's parking lot,
my bro, Nathan, shout out.
And we were in the parking lot,
and I just kept, like, farting.
It was bad.
And when I got in the middle of it,
this is when it got real, because I tried,
I was like, you know what, nobody around.
They not gonna really care.
So I did it, and then it was like,
you ever had a fart that was loud,
and it felt kind of, it felt like you were like, man.
You sure need it.
I should booty a little bit.
You felt good, you were like, I needed it.
So I just kept going, it got louder.
And I forgot where I was when I looked up.
Everybody, like this old dude was looking at me.
He was like, what the fuck?
And then the homeless dude in the wheelchair was like,
dude, scooting back and shit.
And I was like, damn, man, I forgot I was out here.
You were really brave to fart after having diarrhea.
I thought you were gonna tell us a short story.
Oh, no, no, it's just everybody heard it.
Like, I had looks, and it wasn't that loud.
And the Ross's parking lot next to Target.
Okay.
I wasn't gonna say this, but I did shit myself last week.
Uh-huh, shit.
Update. Do tell.
When I was sick as fuck.
I didn't go to- I'm sorry you were sick.
Oh, it was fine, you know.
But I didn't go to the doctor,
but I'm pretty sure I had the flu.
And it was the first day I could barely even move.
I just had to go to the mailbox,
and I was out there and coughed and sharted.
Oh, shit.
How much?
More than-
Oh my God, did it get-
Because it was still solid at that point.
Oh!
Yeah.
You sharted like a shit shit?
A log.
It was a soft log, it was a soft wood.
It was an elm, but you know.
It was a pine.
It was, yeah, it was bad.
And then I just threw the clothes away.
I was like, this isn't redeemable.
You know?
So it got in the-
Just laying down in the shower after you shit yourself.
And it's just one of those days, man.
Just feel terrible.
And then it was double XP weekend.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
You get any guns leveled up?
Yeah, I got the gold XM4 and gold AK.
Now I'm on the MS.
So, Kim, JJ's starting a gaming channel.
Oh, okay.
And whoever plays games will take part in it,
and he's getting his guns up for Call of Duty.
Yeah.
Okay.
Every time I'm playing,
I look on my friends list and Brandon's on the same mission
on the campaign.
Oh, yeah.
He's been-
By the way, I just beat it.
I'm on Cold War.
Yeah, I'm playing Cold War again.
Oh, shit.
Sadly, I had to take a break because the damn space
is too big, even though I got a whole big ass USB.
Hard drive.
Yeah, and it still doesn't work.
Even though I got like 800 gigabytes on there.
Unrelated question.
Brandon, why do you have a Hello My Name is Brandon-
Oh, I was at an event for my radio,
and they told me to write it down.
So I said Brandon Willis, AKA B Smooth.
And then I made the fucking best mac and cheese in the world.
You would've thought I was a celebrity
when I pulled up in there.
Everybody tried it.
Everybody was like, who was that?
Who did it?
And I stood up, bowed and shit because it was me.
Best mac and cheese.
The best, huh?
Yes, so good.
Oh, I'm like-
So good.
Is he ever-
I was about to say, has he ever bestowed you guys?
I should've brought it.
It's really good.
Oh, yeah.
You guys haven't tried it yet?
No.
You did bring it over.
You brought it over like the second time we filmed.
I did?
Yeah.
I don't remember.
I'm sorry, Brandon.
Yeah, you did.
Wow.
Because you was like, I make the best mac.
And it was good, I will tell you that.
But we're having also a mac and cheese off.
Oh, yeah.
And we're both gonna make a pan
because he keeps on throwing this best.
Well, JJ keeps talking about the peanut butter
and jelly that I've never had either.
I got some good Lewis Hawaiian bread up there too.
That's nothing, dude.
Damn.
It's absolutely nothing.
Sarah Lee, right?
Sarah Lee butter bread if you wanna be basic, dude.
The artesano, that's pretty carb heavy.
That's close.
Yeah.
It's just a lie.
The ratio, you gotta adjust it
for that thick of a slice of bread, dude.
It's, you know.
I'm sure this is going over a lot of people's heads right now
because we can talk about something else.
Like.
Dumb it down for us, please.
Big bread, more stuff in the middle.
There you go.
They can hold it together.
And what's your peanut butter of choice?
Smooth, if you use crunchy on a PB&J, dude,
that's treason.
Or what brand?
Then you should be hung.
Brand, I like Jif, I'm a classic man.
Skippy if it's the second week of payday.
It's on BOGO.
Hell yeah.
Hey, Kim, you know, we wanna thank you for.
I don't think that's it.
We wanna thank you for everything you've done
for Clown College.
You always let us come there.
So we got you just a little something.
Happy Hanukkah.
Well, thanks, fellas.
Did you say Hanukkah?
Yep.
Not a new house.
No, Hanukkah.
Look, I got Apple Fritters candle.
Oh, nice.
That smells nice.
It smells good, don't it?
And some holiday popcorn.
Thank you, guys.
Hell yeah.
Appreciate you.
That's very sweet.
Well, I also brought you guys something.
No way.
And it's not breast milk this time.
Damn.
However, on that episode,
we were talking about different things
that you haven't, haven't drank.
And I brought up mead.
And I told you I had a friend that makes mead, right?
So I have three different flavors of mead
for you guys to try.
This is tart cherry.
And it was bottled in June.
Bottled in June, that's a little...
Dang.
And we have, what is this one?
Blackcurrant.
Wow, that's what mead you're drinking.
So what is mead?
I'm being pulled in.
Mead is honey wine.
And this is passion vanilla.
Ooh, that's me.
Y'all are the black currants.
And passion vanilla.
Oh, wow.
So, happy holidays.
Hell yeah, thank you, Kev.
You're welcome.
We really appreciate it.
I'm interested to see you guys try.
Now, it's very alcohol heavy.
Like it's probably somewhere between 10 and 14% ABV.
So, as I say, I want you guys to taste them all.
I would love to.
I think you gotta, this is a cork thing.
It's definitely cork.
Dang, I forgot my corks.
You just had one on you?
You forgot it?
Usually, I just gotta do it.
Does it have a cork?
It looks like it.
It looks like it, probably.
Yeah, I think it's a cork.
Yeah, it is.
You don't have a cork screw?
Damn, man.
Just suck it out.
Yeah, in there.
Somebody, we need Bryce's penis.
Bryce has a cork screw penis?
He has a joke about it.
If it's anywhere, hey, it's to the left of the refrigerator,
the second drawer to the left.
What?
Hell yeah, Kev.
I would have brought a cork screw had I.
I'm pretty sure I got one in there.
Ooh, that's cool.
Sweating on the outside a little bit.
I like that.
Aw, man.
That must be my drink right there.
That's my friend, Jeff Wheeler.
Shout out, Jeff.
Thank you, Jeff.
Let me get you a applause.
I mean, he didn't get much applause
because he still charged me for this bitch.
Oh, how else did he charge you?
He did give me a discount.
Because I bought three bottles, he gave me a discount.
So no, shout out, Jeff.
And if you are in or near Falkville, Alabama,
they have Cross Ties Coffee Company.
He and his wife run that.
Hey, we got a cork screw.
Hey.
Yeah.
Anyway, and it's fantastic coffee and food at Cross Ties.
So y'all check that out.
Definitely.
Cross Ties.
That's right, Cross Ties Coffee Company
in Falkville, Alabama.
J.J., you got to pass all these to him.
Okay.
I'll set up the cups.
Jake Munty at lightning fast speed.
I'm just kidding.
Sorry.
Hell yeah, it's a Christmas.
And Santa Claus bringing all the gifts.
You know what I mean.
So cool.
I don't.
I was really hoping these were gonna be like sugar glass
or you're gonna hit Dom in the head with it.
Yeah.
Oh, that'd be cool as hell.
No.
Is Jake gonna get that in the first try?
There he goes.
Oh, we got a problem.
While he's opening the next one,
you guys can each taste that one.
Which one is that one?
This is black cherry.
Tart cherry.
Tart cherry, okay.
Oh wow.
That's a very nice pale red color.
Vanilla.
That looks delightful.
Yeah, it does.
Thank you, sir.
Most people that enjoy wine really like it
because it's a different animal of sorts.
Wine's a little beyond my pay grade.
I don't know.
But maybe they have mead.
Maybe I'm a mead man.
Maybe.
Mead for speed.
Smells rich.
Zimzaki, Zimzaki, hoy, hoy, hoy.
Thanks, Kim.
Hoy, you're welcome.
Tasty.
Yeah.
That is good.
It's tart.
It's pleasant.
You like it?
That is very good.
That's good.
I think we got vanilla coming up next.
Ooh.
Here we go.
This is what I've been waiting on.
Look at that vanilla.
You can have another.
The golden nectar.
Okay, I'm gonna pass my cup down here.
Dude, would you get like a position in here
to play music for us too?
That'd be hilarious.
Right?
He's in?
It seems a little thicker than wine, is it?
It is.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, honey wine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Alrighty.
Smells good.
Let's try it out.
Oh yeah, everybody.
Ooh.
Mm, that's good.
That definitely got some kick to it.
That's good though.
That's tasty.
It tastes good?
Yeah, no, it tastes good.
Feel a piece.
I can taste the honey.
So, the first and the second.
Mm.
I like this one.
Yeah, I like this one.
This is my favorite so far.
I gotta give it to the first one.
And before this, I drank an entire bang
and I'm just vibrating.
I'm just saying.
And then finally, you have the blackcurrant.
Is that what's coming up?
Ooh.
I feel like y'all taste meat or am I having a stroke?
Oh, man.
I do taste a little meat.
Meat?
Is that what you said?
Yeah, I taste a little meat.
I taste the meat a little bit like.
Meat?
I don't know why you're tasting meat, but okay.
It's mead.
Yeah, I taste a little lamb chops.
What?
Yes.
Lamb chops, thank you.
Are you serious?
Yeah, a little bit.
Will Wheeler, did you put lamb in your meat?
It's getting real Passover.
Oh, yeah.
All right, we in there?
Blackcurrant.
Hell yeah, lamb chops.
Oh.
That's the best.
The blackcurrant's the best?
To me, that's enough.
What do you think?
I'm still going with the vanilla passion, to be honest.
I'm going with the first one.
I gotta go with the first one.
Well, look at there.
Cause I was happy, like the first one was so good.
I was happy.
I like the one that tastes like lamb chops.
Oh, yeah.
Vanilla lamb chops.
Lamb chops.
There you go.
Y'all can figure out who gets what from here.
Hell yeah, we appreciate you, Kim.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you for everything.
Happy holidays.
Same to you.
Hell yeah, and go to Shenanigans website.
Huntsvillelifes.com.
Go have a good time.
Everybody goes there, loves it.
Nobody can spell Shenanigans.
You ain't lying.
What's your favorite Christmas Carol?
My favorite Christmas Carol?
Carol Brady.
Okay.
Is that a person?
That's good.
I was gonna get us to serenade you on your way out.
Okay, in that case, let's do Hark the Herald Angels Sing.
All right, one, two, three.
Hark the angels, and they'll sing.
Glory to the newborn king.
Peace on earth and mercy through mile.
God and sin is reconciled.
Silo.
Hey, thank you.
Hey, thank you, Kim.
That was fantastic.
That's good, because that's one of the free ones.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you, Kim.
You're welcome.
Good one.
As soon as I got out, as soon as I got out of the seat,
I was like, hey man, you like the snitzing, I like it.
Good, mess with it.
All right.
You guys wanna go eat some?
Yeah.
Let's get down there.
More redecorate.
Hey Ho.
Hey, being at Coleman, I quickly realized that it is not as racist as it seems to appear.
But then again, I haven't left.
I've only been at Christmas Kendall, so Christmas Kendall is cool, man.
This dude walked up to me and asked me how the food was.
That's respect.
How was the food?
I don't know, man.
How was it?
We tried it.
But it was good, because we all liked it.
Smiling's my favorite.
You said who?
Smiling's my favorite.
Oh yeah, me too.
That's what Buddy Bell said.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Smiling's my favorite.
Where's my dad?
Yeah.
I've never seen him.
Who the hell is Smiley?
I know, right?
I think Brandon should try syrup on spaghetti.
No, not right now.
But later, yeah.
I'm ready for you.
You all ready to go?
Yeah.
Let's roll.
We're coming, right, Jake?
I fucking hate Scrappy Dude.