This week on Clown College.
All I can say is prepare for the worst because you're in a fucking storm that you can't
get out of.
Like milk's not going to help, water's not going to help, there's nothing in this world
that can help you though.
Like you can scream for whatever you want to, your mom, your dad, but you're going to wake
up in the middle of the night with shakes and shots man, like I promise you, it's fucked
up.
Donald Trump help, please.
Welcome to Clown College, we have profound knowledge, in many ways to elevate and make
yourself polished.
So if you want to, hear a little honest, a few takes on the ways to make it as a comic,
then stick around for a while to be down to clown, we've got the guests right now just
to show you how.
Let's all go to Clown College baby, it's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
That way people can't leave.
And they're just excited to get it up on the blimp.
Oh we went in the blimp and then there was this other guy talking about masturbation
and the Holocaust.
Oh you have to get, you have to jump out of the blimp if you start having a few bomb
percent.
The panel of judges, you get a parachute.
You gotta pull it yourself.
See, we're gonna die.
That's death.
No, I just got strapped up.
Yeah, it was like a marsupial.
We probably could pull that off though in a hot air balloon.
Not a lot of seating in a hot air balloon.
It's not, but you can fit enough.
If you get a group of them?
No, you can fit enough.
We have a balloon fest every year where I'm from.
It's not like a small.
How many people can you get in one basket?
I think you can fit like 12 at least.
That's a lot of people.
Look up how many people.
Yeah, for real.
That 12 just covers the comics.
Yeah, everybody else is just a regular person, but we make sure you can only get in here
if you're 18 and up.
You know what I mean?
Give them a warning.
There will be a comedy going on and then we all get in a different air balloon and we
all do a set.
But if the air balloon holds 12 people, there's 12 comics, where are the two audience members
going to sit?
The comics won't be on there.
You just have one comic per balloon.
The 11 other people are people.
I know I am.
I think we're all scared of heights, right?
So to be up there and to have to do comedy, because you'll be standing at the edge of
it on the corner.
Dude, could you imagine how sweaty Brandon would be?
Dude, I'd just slip and die.
Yeah, that's a possibility, but that's something we do for comedy.
But if you bomb, you keep pretending like you're jumping in.
Tell the audience, I'm going to kill myself.
I really would.
I know I will fuck up with that thing, man.
I wouldn't pull it right.
Oh, yeah, Alex, are we official?
Yeah.
Okay, hell yeah.
Good, good.
You guys are official.
I think we've been going for a minute, Brandon.
Yeah, I thought we started a long time ago.
Brandon, are you on your phone, man?
I'm on your phone, dude.
This is a professional production, Brandon.
Time stamp.
Gosh, man.
Was that pornography on your cellular device?
No, no.
Not that time?
Where's your go-to for porn?
Because we're after, this is the only time we get to talk about rowdy shit, because you
got Christmas coming up.
We just had Thanksgiving.
Yeah.
What's your go-to for porn?
It's the gooch of the year.
Nah, man, I don't fuck with porn.
I don't fuck with that stuff, man.
No.
I don't fuck with that.
You seem to have changed your tune a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, man.
I changed.
Back then I would, but now, nah, man.
Back then they didn't want me, now they hot.
They all on me.
What is that, a rap song?
Who sang that?
Mike Jones.
Mike Jones, hell yeah.
Who?
Mike Jones.
Hey.
What year?
What year did he rap?
Mike Jones was definitely 2002.
Oh, see, that was the year before I was here.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
You kind of look like him.
For real?
Let me see what this dude looks like.
Let me search up Mike.
Mike, Mike.
I wanna be like Mike.
Shout out Mike.
Mike Sales, president of-
Mike Sales.
Hell yeah.
Mike and Bill's presidential barbershop.
Still haven't met Bill.
Nope, still haven't met Bill.
I don't know if Bill's existing.
Right here?
This him?
No.
That doesn't look like him.
I was like, he kinda, he look more like me.
The dude with the gold looks like a rapper.
That guy looks nothing like you.
Man, dude, I see it, man.
He's strong.
Looks Bill.
What?
Brandon and positive body dysmorphia?
Hell yeah.
That's probably the best thing they have, though.
Yeah, it is.
To be able to just like eat whatever you want, look any way you want, and you're just looking
in the mirror and you're like, I'm fucking beautiful.
Damn.
Dude, that's a dream.
That would be sick.
I wish I had that.
Yeah, I wish I had that too, man.
Well, you kinda-
Damn.
Okay, I realize it now.
I'll just play.
Brandon is trying to jack.
You're jacked.
Yeah, we saw you in the leotard.
You were jacked, man.
Hell yeah, man.
It was a lot of stuff.
That leotard, man, brought back memories.
Good days, good times.
Still tight.
You just look like a penis with a condom on it.
I know, yeah.
That was out.
Yeah, no, well-
What?
Hold on.
What are you guys talking about?
We're talking about leotards.
Like, they do, they, yeah.
Man, it's messed up.
No, I'm just saying in general.
Oh, in general, okay.
I was like with the leotards, I remember when I was watching the film, I looked now, like,
damn, man, it's crazy.
One moment it looked like a camel toe, then the next moment I was just like, this is crazy.
What was the next moment?
Next moment, it just, it was like it was in a plastic bag or something, you know?
Like at a grocery store.
Yeah.
Paper or plastic.
It's not paper, man.
And people, I don't get it with paper, man.
I'm like, what?
This is just actually time for everybody.
To save the environment.
That's what I'm saying.
Like, I don't-
They got paper at Publix?
Yes, yes.
And then people be like, you know, I want paper because I want to be better for the
environment.
You're still recycling both of them.
No, but plastic gets caught in the seas.
Microplastic.
But we're not near any seas.
We're near the seas.
Now you're-
And I'd be like, all right, but we're not near the sea, man.
That's the coastal people's job.
It's an excuse to make more time.
That's what I feel.
Because you got to stack it all when you can put it in there.
Oh yeah, you got to stack it all perfectly.
So PSA to everybody, go ahead and look at the camera and tell them.
Paper's not helping.
I mean, it might, but it's not helping me.
You don't live in the sea, man.
No.
You know anybody that lives in the sea?
No, man.
I'm not a seaman.
We're not even near the sea.
That is true.
So why the fuck we got to worry about it?
That's what I'm saying.
It's not like we're going to fix what alligators got.
It's not like trash travels to the sea from here.
I don't know.
Now that I think about it, they probably could.
Like go to the landfill.
Take a while.
Yeah.
Take a long time, though.
And people only talk about like plastic straws and bags and the six pack containers killing
cool sea creatures.
What if they kill bad ones?
Like a jellyfish.
Ooh.
You can't tell me you give a fuck about a jellyfish.
I just realized something, man.
The straws and the bags, they didn't just waddle in there, man.
No.
It's the people littering throwing shit in there.
Yeah, so it's the people's fault, not the plastic's fault.
That's what I'm saying.
So just put in the recycling bin.
Why are we throwing a happy meal in the middle of the sea?
People kill sea creatures.
Yeah.
Not the plastic.
Not plastic.
Unless we want to joke.
You can still throw a paper bag in there and fuck something up, maybe.
Maybe not, because it's paper.
It's going to dissolve.
So paper is a better option than for the environment.
It is.
But for you?
Yeah, I mean, I don't... It's okay to say fuck the environment here.
No, not fuck the environment.
We only need it for like 80 more years, Brandon.
Exactly.
No, not 80.
I'm probably going to... There's a small ass chance I might be here in 80 years.
Yeah.
I'm good.
That's all you need.
That's fine.
I only need 20.
You only need 20.
No, man.
I tell you, I'm going to live like 100, man.
That's quite generous.
105, maybe.
That's fine.
120, 150.
In 80 years, how old will you be?
Okay.
So I'm 21 right now, so 80 years, 101.
Exactly.
So you're already at the time you're trying to make, so you just need 80 years.
Yeah, I know, but I'm still going to be able to see and breathe and everything, and I'm
still going to be in the presence of seeing all that horrible stuff, and I'm going to
be old.
So there's a small chance I'm not going to be able to walk.
So if some shit breaks down, I'm kind of fucked.
You want to live when you can't walk?
Dude, sure.
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
I don't know, man.
Yeah, because I'm like, dude, you just chill, I guess.
And do what?
It won't be that much different how I live right now.
Just watch TV.
Fully sedentary.
I'd be like, I'm retired, man.
I don't have to go to work, hopefully.
Hopefully, I'm not at a nursing home.
Hopefully, you're not at fucking work at 101.
That's what I'm saying.
Like, hopefully, I'm retired.
I'm not at a nursing home.
That's my thing.
Don't put me in a nursing home.
You don't want to go to a nursing home.
Hell no.
So you'd rather your family wipe your ass and all that shit?
No, I'd rather wipe my own.
But what if the nursing home was...
I mean, sometimes you can't.
You get to a certain age.
Just because I've been in like...
What about assistant living?
That's better.
It would have to be part because some nursing homes, man, they were wrong, man.
Some of them.
So you got to make sure it's the right...
But what if it was tight, bro?
What if they got like shit events going on?
You got bitches in the nursing home?
No, I got my wife and me.
And a 20 year should be dead.
Most STDs are from where all the nursing homes are in Florida.
Yeah.
I've heard that.
I've heard that multiple times.
What is it called?
The villages?
I think that's what it's called.
The villages.
Yeah, that's what he said.
Literally what it was.
Yeah, that's for real.
There's somebody who I kind of knew who retired and went to the villages and that shit is
real, bro.
He was banging.
They'd be fucking...
He was banging.
The different colored loofahs and all that shit, that is real, bro.
That is not some myth.
See, Brandon, when you get there, you still have options.
I don't think I'll be in Florida though, man.
I might be like in New York.
It'll be underwater by then.
It'll be Atlantis.
Yeah, exactly, man.
I'll just go to New York.
No, that's even more fucked up.
It's so crowded.
It'd be too crowded, man.
Go to Denver.
It can also...
Denver.
He almost went full John Rocker.
In New York, you can't go five feet without seeing something.
Go to Denver.
That's a good one.
Okay.
Denver.
Okay.
Colorado.
It'll be the last city to get swallowed by the sea.
It's the highest in elevation.
See, look at that, man.
We're safe.
Hell yeah, dude.
You can live in the Rocky Mountains.
Exactly, man.
Be cold as hell.
Yep.
And old as hell.
It's not a good combination, but we'll make it work.
Yeah, you just gotta make it work.
You can make anything where you put your mind to.
Yes, you can.
I don't know who said that.
I forgot who quoted that.
I think it was Dom.
Dom?
Well, you know what?
You quoted that, man.
Thank you.
He's the first dude to ever quote it.
Yeah, I'm right.
We'll put a... do the whole thing.
Quotations, Dom Carr.
Hell yeah.
Dom Carr.
Yeah.
So, Thanksgiving just passed.
We all got some good eats, and I guess it was time for some of us to get some bad eats
after that.
Yeah.
Man, I can't believe you guys did that, man.
That was wild as hell.
Surprised nobody's in the hospital.
They should be.
Surprised nobody died.
Because, dude, I've done that shit twice, and I've only had half, and I've almost died.
I've been hauled on the toilet, on the ground, literally laying on...
Dude, if you're laying on the toilet floor, holding your stomach for 30 minutes, sweating...
You know how bad I sweat on the floor in the bathroom, man?
Next to the toilet, trying to grab on and try to throw up, but you can't throw up, and
it just feel like you got punched.
And you feel like you're thinking about death, because you're like, dude, what else can I
do?
I can't stop.
It's not leaving me.
This happens to you once a week.
Sometimes.
It depends what I eat, but dude, that thing.
And then that burn, I remember I took it again, and I was just...
Man, this is the worst.
Well, why'd you do it the second time?
I don't know.
See, I told you, man.
It was like a shame on me thing.
Then I just did that shit again.
Did you do it by yourself?
Yes.
Well, the first time, no, it was with my uncles.
And then second time, my girl was here.
I was like, I'll do it.
Then she recorded me, and I...
Man, it was horrible.
Worst experience ever.
We'll insert that footage right here.
Yeah.
All right.
Check it out.
I forgot we were putting it on.
Yeah, you're not supposed to tell us.
You tell that story on the back end.
Wait, which one?
You get what I'm saying?
Because we're sending it to the footage of us eating the chip.
Oh, okay.
It's a skit of us.
So when I was saying that, we ate some bad things.
You guys all say something, then we send it right away, and then we will come back.
And you'll be like, yeah, when I did that.
Okay.
It's all right.
It's all good.
You're too, Brandon.
Come on.
Hell yeah.
No, I like it like this.
Hell yeah.
If you haven't read this, as I say, this chip has been purely created for the sheer pleasure
of intense heat and pain.
Oh, yeah, I will.
Oh, Jesus.
Okay.
And it says one minute, you last one minute without a drink, you're a newbie, three minutes
beginner, five minutes you're a pro, 10 minutes without a drink, you're a legend.
Whoever the first person to drink something loses.
What do we win?
A $50 gift card.
Quick question.
Shouldn't we be saying who we think gonna lose first?
Let's do it.
Big Daddy Dumb, who you got tapping out first?
I think definitely Bryce.
He doesn't have any competitive spirit.
Shit's getting racial out here, man.
Syfy, what do you got to say about that, man?
So, Bryce is definitely going to tap out first.
I'm ready to fucking win.
Let's do this shit.
Alex, who's tapping first?
I think Syfy, actually.
Because New Yorkers can't handle the heat.
Bryce, I'm not going to lie to you.
You are the favorite right now to tap first.
You got two votes against you.
What do you got to say about that?
Probably so.
I don't really care that much, and I'm kind of worried too.
Charlie, Mike Sales, you said you had a little gut and you're going to lose.
His gut's small.
I think Dom's going out first.
I think this is a I need to get my life together moment.
No more hanging out with people in their 20s eating fucking internet challenges.
All I can say is prepare for the worst because you're in a fucking storm that you can't get out of.
This is like milk's not going to help.
Water's not going to help.
There's nothing in this world that can help you.
You can scream for wherever you want to, your mom, your dad, but you're going to wake up in the middle of the night with shakes and shots, man.
Like I promise you, it's fucked up.
Donald Trump, help me.
We're going to cheers and then go at it.
Countdown, Scott.
It's not a little higher.
Three, two, one.
First impressions, Charlie, first impressions.
I got a bad swallow, you know, it's hetero and it's really right in my throat and it's hot.
Apparently the first side effect of the chip is unfunny jokes.
Bryce, how are you figuring?
Oh, it's hot as fuck, dude.
I don't like this at all.
With the predictions, right?
Yeah, it's getting close already.
All right.
It's been 29 seconds, sick.
Syfy, how you faring over here?
How's your meditation going?
I'm a Christian, but there is only one God and Muhammad is his prophet.
As-salamu alaykum.
Okay, he's going full black Israelite.
Interesting.
Dom is not doing too hot over here.
It's just a...
Oh my God.
Are you all right, man?
Is it hot?
Yeah, that's too hot for me.
He's moaning, he's sweating.
It's bad.
Alex, you seem to be fine.
It's pretty hot.
I found their trick though.
You had to wet it with saliva because it dried you the fuck out once it went in.
It's very fucking hot, but no, I wet it and it got it down.
Alex has the crazy QAnon eyes right now.
It's just getting serious.
Scott, what's your first impressions about what's going on right here?
Well, I'll tell you what.
Alex has sneaky snot coming out of his nose a little bit.
He's acting very...
He's like, I'm Demure, he's not.
He's in hell right now.
Dom, Dom, I don't think he makes the night.
He's dead.
He's a fucking dead man walking.
I don't know.
I'm revisiting.
I don't know what to do.
I'm just going to go with it.
I'm revisiting.
Charlie looks tough.
He's hanging tough.
Alex looks strong right now.
Dom bringing up the rear big time.
Charlie, is this the hottest thing you've ever eaten in your life?
I tried a ghost pepper once, just a bite of a ghost pepper one time.
This is definitely hotter.
This chip is hotter.
It feels like there's cuts all inside of my mouth.
I'm starting to cry, but it's going to be all right.
Syfy, you seem pretty okay.
You seem like you're chilling.
It's in the back of my throat, but...
Pause, major pause.
It's hot, but I feel good.
I just got to stop talking.
All right, Alex.
We see the booger drip.
We see the hand tremors, the sweat.
How are you feeling mentally right now?
I'm feeling okay.
I'm waiting for it to get really, really bad.
I heard it comes and goes in waves, man.
I'm tearing, but...
It's going all right.
Dom, you're not faring well, man.
It's been about three minutes, 20 seconds.
I'm still holding on.
I'm concerned for his health, his safety.
I'm vibrating.
I'm vibrating my body.
I don't think you're supposed to do that, dude.
I'm scared.
You're scared?
I'm a little bit scared.
Who do you call on in these moments of your fear?
Allah.
Everybody's turning Muslim.
Wallach, go on.
Donald Trump, help, please.
Donald Trump, save me.
If you can hear me, Donald Trump, save me.
This is exactly what I said was going to happen.
It's a one-way street, man.
I've went through this road plenty of times, and it's not pretty.
Bryce, have you gone full Black Israelite yet or what?
What does that mean?
You believe in Islam now?
Is that hope?
I mean, that's what they're all turning to.
Hey, who got hope in shit?
Well, somebody tried to sub by you.
Oh, shit.
You son of a bitch.
What do you got to say about that, Donald?
That's illegal.
I'm going to fuck y'all up in trivia.
All right, we'll do multiplication tables.
Charlie, six times nine.
Oh, man, that's going to be 36.
Not even close, dude.
Not even close.
Seven times eight, Bryce.
Was it like 54?
Close enough.
All right, six times four.
30?
No.
Oh, for three.
Dom, I know this isn't really your thing, man, in general, but seven times six?
36.
No, and oh for four.
We are oh for four.
Alex, you are the last hope.
All right, let's go eight times five.
35.
We're oh for five.
You see the effects of these chips, man?
You see, I'm not going to say what kind of disability they have, but we know.
I can't.
I'm sorry, Asians.
I'm looking up some fourth grade trivia questions.
Charlie, what's the biggest bird in the world?
Ostrich.
That's true.
He got it.
He got one.
Bryce, which dog is typically associated with firehouses?
Oh, this is a fucking the black and white one.
Domation.
Hell yeah, he got it.
We're two for two, sci-fi.
Don't break the chain.
How many hearts does an octopus have?
Four.
Close, three.
Three, sorry, man.
Dom, what's the tallest land animal?
Doraea.
You got it.
All right, Alex, which is the only bird that can fly backwards?
Oh, what the fuck?
It's a egret.
A hummingbird, man.
Say your ABCs starting with H.
H-Q-U-S-T-V-W-X-Y-Z.
Hell yeah, clown college, baby.
It's really bad.
Alex, it's getting worse, it seems like.
It's in my teeth now.
It's past the teeth?
Or it's laying in my teeth.
Oh my gosh.
Bryce, how you doing over here, man?
I haven't heard a lot from you.
I'm sorry, man.
You're not going to be able to do this.
Bryce, how you doing over here, man?
I haven't heard a lot from you.
You don't look like you're doing great.
It hurts.
This hurts.
Is it getting worse?
Yeah, it hits waves.
How many levels do you think are left to this?
Maybe like three or four.
I think I'm almost there.
Okay.
Saffy's doing remarkably well, man.
I think it's dying down for me completely.
Well, I eat a lot of spicy food.
I have Jamaicans and Puerto Ricans in my family.
Oh, man.
Are you sweating?
Oh my gosh.
I'm sweating really bad.
Oh.
Damn, all right.
They're bad.
Yeah, but Brandon is too.
Brandon has high cholesterol and high blood pressure.
He's sweating because he's trying to stay alive.
You should not have more light go hair.
It's flesh then.
Got him.
Absolutely got him.
Charlie, what do you have to say after that amazing joke, man?
This chip made me racist.
This company should get sued for making me racist.
We made it, boys.
We made it to 10 minutes.
I'm not drinking.
Yeah.
Oh, you guys, bitches.
I actually truly think I'm going to die.
Y'all are pretty pale now.
I've had that six times now.
You got to see your tap.
Oh, it feels really bad, though.
I do want to emphasize.
It feels really bad.
It was way worse than I expected.
Well, that was crazy.
That was so fun.
How wild as hell.
I had a good time.
Yeah, I bet you did.
You did?
I did.
I had a good time.
Yeah, I bet you did, you son of a bitch.
I'm out with the eating challenges, dude.
Forever.
Permanently retired.
Can't finish shows because of it.
Unless it's a pussy eating challenge.
There you go, man.
And then I'll try my hardest not to cry.
Damn.
What?
Y'all are warriors.
I'm just goofing.
Y'all are warriors, bro.
The warriors?
Y'all are warriors.
Thank you, man.
That's what I'm saying, man.
Thank you, man.
You guys, I don't know how y'all made that.
That was rough.
But we got through it.
Yeah, y'all did get through it.
And we're right here.
You guys are right here.
Hell yeah.
I couldn't.
Shout out to everybody involved.
Hell yeah.
Plazas.
Yeah.
Shout out to the Huntsville Medical Mall.
Yeah.
Thanks for the stomach pump rental.
Shout out.
I need to run it.
Dom's toilet, the gas bathroom toilet.
Went through hell.
The ring around my asshole.
Oh my.
And you know, it already has lacerations in it from the fissures.
Yeah.
And then you add on the hotness.
It kind of stings it when it comes out.
And then the leakage is hot, too.
Hot like lava.
Molten lava.
Yeah.
I couldn't even shit when I had that, man.
Like I couldn't.
It was so hot, you got constipated.
It was so hot, I was constipated and holding on for dear life.
Like that song, holding.
What's that old song from the 80s, holding on?
Like that song.
It was like that, man.
I was holding on.
What were you holding on to?
I was holding on.
I was gripping to the floor, bro.
I'm telling you, I was sweating, gripping to the floor.
I almost took my shirt off because it was so hot.
You had your shirt on?
No.
Yes, my shirt was on while I was sweating, drenched, man, and holding on to this toilet.
While my family's outside just wondering what's going on.
It's horrible.
And that was just half.
Imagine if I had to hold one, man.
Dude, you'd probably still be in there.
Yeah, I probably wouldn't be here.
You might not have recovered.
No, man.
I never learned, though.
I did a couple times.
Never doing it again, though.
Never will.
We see that.
Never will.
We've seen that.
Never happening.
We're going to give Brandon a bag of chips.
We're going to put one in there.
See, that's not cool, man.
What the hell?
I'm just...
You would eat it, too.
You wouldn't eat it.
Why would you tell me, too?
No, I'm glad you told me, man, because I could have died.
See, that was really there.
You weren't going to die, Brandon.
You know what?
Maybe next year.
Maybe I'll do it next year for something.
Maybe.
That's coming up.
Yep.
Like in a month.
Yeah.
Not that close, man.
I don't know, man.
I'm talking about maybe a year or next year episode or something.
Two years.
You know, two years.
We'll have some difficulty.
If we can hit 1,000 subscribers in 2025.
Would I eat the one chip challenge?
Yes.
Wild skydiving.
Okay, no, man, dude.
Wild jerking off.
I'm going to die.
Wild jerking off.
That's crazy.
That's crazy because, dude, now you're going to do that and get that shit on your spot.
Man, that's going to hurt itself.
Because if it's hot like that.
What if it feels good, though?
That's not going to feel good.
Who said something about jerking off?
That was me.
That's what he said, yeah.
This is a Steve-O thing.
That's going to hurt like hell.
It's going to be very bad for you.
When you went through a cloud with your dick out of the boot.
Wait, a cloud?
Like a real cloud?
Yeah.
Ooh.
Dude.
That might feel good, right?
Dude.
Yeah, I mean, because like real clouds, that's like you got like all that moisturizer in
there.
It's kind of like windy probably a little bit and all that, right?
So you go in there, it's just like a mist.
You know when they spray you with that stuff that feels like it's supposed to be water,
but it feels like you're getting hit with a cloud?
It can't be bad.
Yeah.
Are we just going to go and take the stance that clouds are real on this podcast without
really talking about it?
That is true.
Clouds are real.
I don't think so.
I think you're overreaching.
I don't think they're naturally occurring.
Have you ever been through a cloud?
Yes.
When?
When I wake up and there are like clouds on the ground.
You know, what is that?
Fog.
Yeah, that's clouds.
Yeah.
That's clouds.
How do you know that they didn't, the government didn't put that out there?
You never seen a fog machine?
Yeah, but-
You don't think the Jews have a big one for everybody?
For every country?
Every country?
No, man, not every country.
Well, every country doesn't-
You've only been to this country though.
Well, Africa doesn't have clouds.
Yeah.
Antarctica doesn't have clouds.
Africa.
The whole continent of Africa, they don't have any clouds.
They don't have any clouds.
How?
If it's so dry, how the hell do they get clouds?
In the desert.
So they never had a cloud?
Never.
It doesn't rain there.
Yeah.
It never, come on, man.
It doesn't rain.
It doesn't snow.
Let me see.
The sun is always out.
Let me see.
Just Google, does Africa have clouds?
I mean, Toto said that there was rain in Africa.
No, he didn't.
Well, those were whites.
Toto was white, yeah.
You can't have rain without clouds.
Okay.
Yes, Africa has clouds and-
This is news to me.
The Q, new, loniest, I don't know, Columbus clouds, my bad.
Columbus clouds, whatever, low level clouds and mid level clouds.
But they only have low and mid level clouds.
Yeah.
They don't have the high level clouds.
No, man.
But have you ever been through a cloud, like yourself, even through an airplane or anything?
Oh, no, I've never been in the sky.
What's a cloud made out of?
Air and probably some fog and some water.
Precipitation.
Yeah.
That is right.
That's all, right?
I'm not buying it, dude.
I don't know, man.
How are they floating, though?
I mean, air, you know?
Air and fog, because fog be floating.
But fog?
Yeah, fog is-
Fog is falling down.
So that's not clouds?
That probably is clouds, honestly.
It is.
It is clouds, honestly.
It is clouds.
No, fog is clouds.
But isn't it floating, though?
It's falling down.
That's why it's a fog.
It fell all the way down to us on the ground.
But at one point, it was all the way up there just staying, chilling, and seeing.
So it's like it floats, but then one day it's like how, I guess like, like maybe how Mike
Tyson, like when he was older, you saw like at one point he was like floating high up
there and then like one day you lose your steam and slowly come down a little bit.
And you know, there's not a better example in the world of clouds than that.
And I don't think we, do we want to go any further?
And that's life, too.
I believe in them now, I believe in clouds.
That's life, too.
That's life.
That goes farther than just clouds, man.
That's what life.
Like the little engine that could, you know, it could do it for so long.
But eventually one day that engine's gonna stop running and you're gonna wake up in your
bed and realize that it doesn't work anymore.
Hmm.
I'm more of a brave little toaster.
I hear a brave little toaster, well you're brave for saying that, man.
Fuck that.
Brave for saying.
The little engine that could, where was that train going, dude?
We got a whole bullet train right here, man.
You know what I mean?
The whole what?
Bullet train, bullet train, man.
We got a whole bullet train.
Seems powerful.
Here?
No, okay, so he said he had a brave little toaster and I was like, yeah, and I got the
bullet train.
Am I just the only one that don't know?
You don't get the metaphor?
Mm-mm.
Okay, wait, so what do you mean with the brave little toaster now?
The brave little toaster is a movie.
I saw you were talking about something else.
Oh, because like my favorite toaster.
No, no, no, not that.
No, I thought you were talking about like junk sizes for some reason.
You thought I was talking about my penis?
I don't know because when I was talking about-
What?
No, because when I said the engine stopped working, I said, I look at my bed and the
engine stopped working, you're like, yeah, man, I know what you mean.
I got a little toaster myself and I was like, what?
I didn't know you were ever talking about penis.
No, man, yeah, that's what I-
I got that.
No, because that's why I said the little engine that could and then I was like, and then one
day you look in bed and realize your engine's not working anymore.
That's what you were talking about?
Well, with that part, but not everything else, but I was like, there's an example.
There's an example.
That's an example.
Brandon, how many times are you talking about penis in the video now?
Brandon, when did you start talking about penis in this scenario?
When he said, what'd you say, brave little toaster, right?
Brave little, the movie, the children's movie.
And then you heard he's talking about his dick not working.
Yeah, because what happened was at first we were talking about, of course, the steam stuff
and then one day it gets older and then in my mind, I don't know, I thought y'all caught
onto the metaphor.
I was like, you know what-
Oh, before that then you were talking about-
Yeah, before I was talking about-
Were you talking about Mike Tyson's penis?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm saying before that I was talking about like normal,
like of course, like when time goes, you can be very powerful and do stuff, but eventually
the kingdom falls down.
And then I went in a little metaphorical with like the little engine.
At first I was talking about the little engine that could and I was like, you know what?
But why'd you bring that up?
Well, because I thought that's a perfect example.
That's one thing too.
Like, you know, that works for a while and then when you get older, the steam goes away
and it's done.
So then when I was talking about that kind of-
When you thought that-
You said the little toaster, I was like, oh, wow, that's weird to say, little toaster.
Yeah, so that's why I was confused.
I was like, when you said little toaster, I was like, God.
But a toaster is kind of big though.
Yeah.
But you said little toaster.
Yeah, you said little, that's why I said bullet train, because I like bullet train.
They're big and massive and fast.
Oh, and you were talking about a big dick.
Yes.
So you have a bullet train penis.
Well, it is not shaped like a bullet train.
Metaphorically, we're explaining the power of the bullet train.
Is it powerful?
Yes.
Brad Pitt's on it.
No.
Oh.
No.
It's never going to see Brad Pitt.
It's powerful, it's fast.
No, it's never going to-
I mean, don't down yourself.
No, man, it's never going to-
Your career will get to that-
I'm not downing it.
No, I'm not downing it.
It doesn't want to know.
It doesn't know nothing about Brad Pitt and never will.
Never will.
So you're saying Brad Pitt's not attractive?
No.
I mean, well, he probably is, some people, but-
I'm not saying like Mr. and Mrs. Smith where it's like there's Angelina Jolie.
It's mostly Angelina Jolie, but you know, there's a little bit of Brad Pitt in there.
There's a little bit of Brad Pitt in there.
What's that?
Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Go look up that picture and you tell me if Brad Pitt's hot or not.
Brad Pitt.
I had no idea he was talking about penis, man.
Not a clue.
I mean, that threw me all the way for fucking-
I thought it was Brad Pitt.
I mean, I'm not saying Brad Pitt's hot or not.
I just knew that it was a kids movie just by how you said it.
So when he said it was Brave, I thought he was talking about because that movie sucked.
Like, clearly.
That movie is tight as hell.
Yeah, it was good.
Like, I saw-
You've seen the movie.
I need a movie.
Yeah, I saw it, but I thought it was metaphorical at the moment because sometimes like a little
engine that could.
I've read the book plenty of times, but-
There's a little engine that could in the Brave toaster?
No, no, it ain't nothing to do with toasters.
It's a separate-
What the fuck?
Yeah, it's separate.
It's a separate timeline.
It's just more metaphorical.
It's a separate universe.
But they could have been.
They could have been, honestly.
Look up little- I need to see that.
The Brave little toaster.
From the 80s, right?
I don't know, man.
But it's a good ass movie.
I really can't believe what just happened right now.
Yeah, right here.
Look.
I can't wait to watch this.
Look at that guy.
Look at all his friends, man.
He got the vacuum cleaner, the lamp.
I think I have seen him before.
Fucking doorbell.
Yeah, and this came out in, I know it's the 80s.
Yep, 87.
We're back.
Good year.
It's a Disney movie, dude.
That's your birth year, isn't it?
Look at that, man.
It's meant to be.
It's a good show.
Look, cosplay.
I like that.
Hell yeah.
Ooh, a little clown, too.
Sorry, I got a little happy, man.
I got two.
I like cartoons, man.
I'm a cartoon guy.
What's the next cartoon that you're gonna watch?
Like, after this?
Oh, man, dude, that's easy.
I could show you right now.
I was watching this earlier, man.
Dude.
And everybody's gonna like this.
Like, come on, man.
It's a bold statement.
Yeah.
Well, not everybody, but most of us.
Look at this, classic Mickey cartoons, man.
I watch this stuff every night.
You for real?
Yes, this is my shit.
This is my shit right here.
Like, I love this stuff.
I watch this.
How does this Mickey sound?
Wait, wait, wait, you said what?
How does this Mickey Mouse sound?
Or is it silent?
Oh, well, I mean, it's silent until 29, and then we start getting some voices here.
You watched 19?
Yeah.
I watched 19.
He did have a good time there.
You watched 1929?
I watched, like, 28 all the way to 56.
But once we get to like 1962, then it's kind of a...
That's when they start doing the stuff about the blacks.
No, no, it's just more, like, newer.
You know what I mean?
Like, more newer, kind of.
Yeah.
It's too new.
It's 62.
It's way too new.
Yes.
When does Mickey Mouse become... How?
Do you ever jerk off to a cartoon?
Huh?
Well, when I was a kid, I guess of course Miss Incredible.
Helen Parr.
Respect.
Missing.
Missing Credibles.
Did you just call her by her government name?
Yes, Helen Parr.
Missing Credibles.
Yes.
What's your name?
Helen Parr.
Oh my God.
Two Rs?
Yes, two Rs.
Man.
Yes, watch, I'll show you right now.
I'm watching.
Were you watching just her,
or were you watching like a remade animated thing of her?
I was remade.
Remade.
Was Mr. Incredible in it?
See, look, somebody remade it right there.
Was Mr. Incredible in it?
No, it was solo.
Mm.
Did she like Elastigirl in her, oh my gosh.
No, nope, just her.
So you got the Elastigirl.
Yeah.
She's the Elastigirl, right?
Yes, yes, her name is Elastigirl.
We also got Missing Credibles.
So did that element come into play at all
in this video that you watched?
Wait, what video?
Oh, the old video.
Children's movie.
No, no, man, dude, no, no, I would have to, no.
What?
Then what did you?
No, what did you do?
It just hit your imagination?
No, not imagine, like what I would,
there would be stuff where it would be like her.
Doing.
Doing some stuff.
But solo.
But does the elastic elasticity come into it at all?
Does she use her powers?
No, no powers.
Probably no powers.
I know you would think, right?
See, was she just DJing or?
Yeah, just DJing, man.
Just DJing, maybe, is she clapping ass?
No, just DJing.
Just DJing.
Football?
No, football, no, no, I tell you, man,
just a couple times and we threw that thing out.
Didn't know how to use it.
Spiral it?
No, no, that would have definitely sent me to the hospital.
Cause you remember I didn't use,
I didn't know how to use it,
so it would just be stuck on there.
But I spiraled it.
I meant when you threw it out.
Oh, when I threw it out.
Not while it was on.
Okay, thank you.
No, no, no, I just threw it away.
Yep, just, I don't know how to spiral.
Wish I did.
I love it.
That was more of a metaphor.
Yeah, and I wish, man.
Not cool, that would be.
Oh my gosh, dude.
I just can't, every time the football pocket pussy thing
gets brought in up, I just imagine Brandon
accidentally picking that up instead of a normal football
and throwing it to somebody and the end comes out
and it just dumps in there.
Oh, no.
You know you didn't clean it out.
No.
No, no, I did respectfully, man.
You put it in the dishwasher?
No, what I would do is I would just make it inside out,
we just go to town cleaning.
With what, what'd you clean it with?
Yes, of course soap.
So you knew to take it out to clean it,
but you didn't know to take it out to fuck it?
No, man, I wasn't thinking, I wasn't thinking.
Cause I was like, I don't know how to,
I was like, why is it in the football?
So I wanna really get down to the brass tacks
and how this actually played out.
So were you like laying down on your back with the football
or how did you put it?
Or you're standing up.
In between like the bed and the mattress.
Good question.
The box spring.
I mean, there was a bunch of different ways, I guess.
Like sometimes you-
But you said you only did it twice.
So how was that a bunch of different-
I mean a couple times, like every time was different.
Once you lay down, then one time you just, you sit down.
You hold it with two hands?
Sitting down, like this.
Like sitting down in the chair like this.
And then you're just like banging it like this.
Well, I mean, I guess we'd go down
till we'd hide in the restroom.
Cause you know, cause you can't close the door.
So in the bathroom, you're sitting on the toilet.
Yeah, that's what it is.
I just wanna know if your double fist in the football
or holding it with one hand.
Oh yeah, one hand.
One hand, so you just bang, bang, bang.
Or you hold, I feel like Brandon,
you would do it like that.
Yeah.
Just hold it like this?
No, this, no this.
Just like this?
Like that?
Okay.
Just like this.
Okay.
Tasman pose?
Tasman pose, no, I should've.
Once I think, oh no.
Did you talk to it?
No.
Did you let it know what's up?
No, no, no.
No, man, I didn't even know how to use that thing, man.
Oh, this is, that's great.
Yeah.
Thank you.
This is great.
I know what you're talking about.
I can't believe you took it out to clean it.
I know, right?
And was like, you know what?
This might be way easier than,
I don't know, I was like, why is the football here?
Like why is it in the football?
That's why I wasn't here.
You didn't think it was a disguise from your mom.
No, I wasn't thinking, no.
But you said I bought it, what?
You bought it.
Yes, I did.
Did they have any other shape?
Well actually, no, I, well okay, so yes I bought it,
but I had, so my friend, he was like,
man, I'm trying to get one too.
But I was like, bro, okay, it's weird as hell.
We both go in there, so how about I give you my money,
you just get it.
And then he just went in there and got two of them
and just bought them there.
And then had a conversation with the dude at the counter.
I asked him if he used it before.
I was like, why you getting into that much deep?
Like come on, just buy it and let's go.
You know, I'd be all like, hey man,
so you ever used it before?
Ha ha ha.
Was this at like a Spencer's?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Yeah, it was Spencer's.
But why,
that was the only one.
Why would they make it in a football shape?
So you can hide it from your parents.
Yeah, but maybe like a Pringles can or something.
They're gonna try to throw that away.
Or eat it.
They're not gonna mess with the football that much
because they just want it out the way
as long as you keep it in your room.
Your mom's not gonna come in the room
and toss around the football.
No.
Especially if it's hard like that.
Like dude, you could break a window with that thing.
Like you could have broke it.
Like it was, yeah.
It wasn't made out of like normal football material?
No, it was like legit.
You throw that at somebody, somebody's getting hurt.
Yeah, what was it made out of?
Like some hard, hard ass plastic.
Oh, no leather on it.
No, no leather at all.
Did they have any other sports options?
No, that was it.
That was why the football was chosen.
There was nothing else. Football makes most sense.
There was nothing else.
As long as it's a...
Can't order it online, man.
No.
Oh, a baseball bat? I didn't have a car.
That'd be sick.
So nowhere else to go.
I didn't have a car.
I was really young.
They do a pickleball paddle now.
They made a pickleball paddle one?
I don't know.
I imagine that.
I don't even know what that looks like.
Let's see.
I don't know either.
Let's look up a pickleball.
It's like what a flatbread comes on.
I know you know what that looks like.
Oh, yes I do, man.
I know exactly what that looks like, yeah.
That's pickleball?
Yeah.
The paddle, man.
It's like tennis, isn't it?
Yeah, it's kind of like tennis and ping pong mixed together.
Ooh, they got the macho, man.
You learn something new every day.
What else?
What'd you learn this week?
It's been a long time.
What you guys been doing?
Just been, Thanksgiving's over.
Just been eating, making perfect mac and cheese
and slamming plates.
Slamming plates.
What's the appropriate amount of time
to eat leftovers from Thanksgiving?
You talking about like, okay, let's see.
Days, how many days you got?
I don't approve of it.
It's my family.
But what we would do sometimes is,
it could be weeks because they would freeze it and stuff
and people believe if it's frozen,
you could use it for longer than what it's supposed to be.
So they'd be like, a couple weeks,
couple weeks, maybe a month.
Maybe a month.
Really good eat.
How much is the stuff that they didn't freeze?
How long would that?
Well, if you don't freeze it,
maybe a week and a half.
At most.
Stretching it.
At most, it depends, but if it looks weird
or something happens, we gotta get rid of it.
Did you manage to avoid all the mashed potatoes
this Thanksgiving season?
Oh yeah, of course, man.
You know, I can tell it from a mile away.
And I got to try pumpkin pie for the first time in my life.
How was that?
It was good.
It was good?
It was good.
I mean, I would adventure into it again.
I should've tried it.
I don't know why I never avoided it
because I've crossed paths with it a lot,
but I realized that the way it looked like sweet potato pie
really made me nervous of the texture and density
and how it would taste with the sweetness.
Yes.
Because, yeah, man.
Pumpkin pie is.
You put a lot of thought in there.
Yeah, man, dude, I don't fuck my sweets, man.
I love them.
You don't fuck with the food, bro.
Yeah, you get really serious about food.
Yes, because I love food, man.
Like I told you, man, I wanna be a good chef.
Like, remember when I was young,
and they'd be like, man, you know, let's do it.
We don't know how to cook.
Man, I'm a dude that knows how to cook.
And I'll cook my ass off every day.
What's your next dish you're trying to learn how to perfect?
My next dish that I wanna perfect?
Damn, let me think here, because I've already,
I mean, burgers there are out to pick.
They're already there.
You got burger out there.
Steak is perfect.
My steak is really good.
Okay.
On the grill?
No, I don't know how to do a grill yet.
I've never dealt with grill.
Do you wanna venture into that?
Yes, I do.
Dude, I wanna learn how to like, what's that grill?
So they use the gas grill.
The Blackstone with the flat top?
No, not that one.
Like one of those electric ones.
I wanna be able to make like burgers and all that shit.
My next thing, maybe lobster and crab legs.
Oh damn.
Yeah, I mean, that's a challenge though,
because it stinks up the whole damn house.
But that's what I wanna figure out.
So right now you got down burgers and steak.
Yes.
So you got the land beast in there.
Now you're going to the ocean.
I can't do lobsters now that I think of it.
I'm not killing it.
Like I can't do that.
Well, you can buy it.
You can just throw it in a pot of boiling water.
No man.
And listen to it scream.
I can't do that.
I can't do it.
Well, you should put it out the main way
and humane.
What, shoot it?
No, hell what?
I'm sure Ace Prater could sell you a lobster gun.
He probably had one.
I feel like that's better.
That's way better.
Actually, no, no, I wanna learn how to perfect
chicken tenders, man.
Like dude, I love chicken tenders.
Take it into the skies.
Yes.
Yeah.
You can open up your old little app store.
It's all apps.
All apps.
Appetizers.
Ooh.
You should start making sauces, man.
Sauces, dude.
I actually did.
Now that you have a newfound love for sauces.
I have.
I have actually made some sauce.
I made like a personal hamburger sauce.
Like the Big Mac sauce.
Perfectly at one point.
Okay, okay.
I'm glad to get back into it.
What'd you use for that?
Or you can't tell the people.
No, I can tell you.
I'll tell you because I searched it up.
Public domain.
It was like, what was it?
Of course they wanted the mayo, ketchup, mustard.
You mix all that and then you dice up the pickles
and you put some type of seasonings in there.
I don't remember specifically what type,
but it was a lot of pepper, salt,
and then some other stuff that I would use.
There's no thousand dollar in there.
You made your own thousand dollar sauce.
Yes.
Yes, or Big Mac sauce.
Well yeah, that's what you make.
Could you make some like chicken tender dipping sauce?
Dude, I want to.
Like some signature sauce?
Like some Zaxby sauce?
Yeah, something like that.
I wish.
Like I had Zaxby's earlier,
the six piece chicken tender dinner.
Ate all that in like less than five minutes, man.
There was no chance.
It was so good.
That's what I had.
I made three of the Zaxby sauces.
Like they're so perfect.
They're really good.
It's the best sauce in the world.
I don't know, I had this Jack Brown sauce.
Jack Brown sauce is fire.
That sauce is so fucking good.
It's delicious.
With the sweet potato fries you get really good.
The sweet potato fries are fire.
Man, don't you come at me
with no sweet potato fucking fries.
Don't, you gotta try them.
No, I'll try one.
You gotta try them from Jack Brown's.
They're fire.
Crinkle cut.
Do you like them anywhere else?
Any sweet potato fries anywhere else?
I don't think, well, I did have some at,
it was a place called, downtown called
the Standard something.
And they had waffle sweet potato fries.
And those were fire.
You might just like sweet potato fries then.
I think they're terrible.
I hate them.
I hate anything sweet potato.
I'm from our neighborhood, Jackson.
I like the pie.
Weed's illegal, that should be illegal.
Y'all don't like anything complex, man.
Not even your carbs.
Yeah.
True.
Brandon, please try a sweet potato waffle fry.
No, I can't do it.
Dude, my body rejects sweet potatoes, man.
He's allergic to it.
Not allergic, it's just so nasty.
Brandon, you looked at me with fear in your eyes.
It's so nasty, dude.
It's so gross.
Brandon, this is what you're gonna have to do
for year two for season two of Tribeca.
Wait, eat sweet potatoes and throw up on camera?
Just a sweet potato fry.
I'm gonna throw up.
It's so gross.
You were so willing to get your ass beat by Adam Preece.
Shout out to Adam Preece.
Shout out.
Yeah, fly, wrestling.
But you won't eat a sweet potato fry.
No, man, dude, I'm not as nasty as him.
That's where you draw the line?
Yeah, that's horrible.
Even with the skydiving, you're like,
maybe I'll do it next time.
Brandon is like, no sweet potato fries.
I'd rather eat a hot chip than sweet potato pie.
Really?
Yeah, that stuff is disgusting.
But have you had a sweet potato fry?
Yes, and I hated it.
But these are crispy.
They're not mushy at all.
I'm with you, Brandon.
I'm with you.
That's the despise of the earth.
These are good.
These are nasty.
But Dom, you would try one, right?
I would try one, yeah.
They're good, bro.
I would try, but I'm telling you,
the only thing I like sweet potatoes is candy yams.
I worked at a restaurant in Huntsville called Chiaggys.
They got sweet potato fries
and they fucking taste like asscheeks.com.
But I'm telling you, these are good.
What about Burger Kings?
I don't really eat at Burger King, for real.
Chicken fries are good.
I fuck with the chicken fries at Burger King.
Onion rings?
What about Bloomin' Onion?
Bloomin' Onion, yeah, I fuck with Bloomin' Onion.
The Bloomin' Onion sauce, could you make that?
No, no.
I mean, actually, yeah,
just get some horseradish sauce, right?
That's all it is.
See, you already know what's up.
You didn't even have to look it up.
It's horseradish sauce, oh yeah.
Brandon might have a secret gift.
Yeah, man.
Get you, put you on a cooking show.
Yeah, man, I do it.
We should have a cooking competition
between the three of us,
but something that we've never made before.
Ooh, that's a good idea.
I like that.
Seafood, no, you can't do that.
You can't.
What the hell, Brandon?
I'm gonna win head over heels.
Fried green tomatoes.
I will fail miserably.
Yeah, I just can't wait to see what you do.
As long as the judge doesn't get ill.
Yeah.
From something's gonna be overcooked,
something's gonna be undercooked,
and it's not gonna be good for anybody.
Didn't you burn, almost burn,
what'd you burn, like, you try to make something
and you almost burn down the house?
Yeah, I can't remember what.
It was a, fuck, what was it, dude?
It was like something I baked in the oven.
Like something real simple.
It was like not a casserole,
but something casserole adjacent.
Yeah.
And you just put it in the oven,
and I had to go somewhere,
and it was like cook at this temperature for 40 minutes.
So I was like, if I cook it at double the temperature
and half the time, it would be the same.
Jesus.
That's not how it works, no.
No.
You can't rush the process, man.
It's like art, man.
It takes time.
It is art.
It takes time.
Culinary arts.
Exactly.
I would love to be able to cook.
I'm just not, I can't multitask.
You don't have to really multitask.
And I'm just gonna eat the ingredients.
You cook one at a time.
That's what I do sometimes.
Cook one thing at a time.
I mean, if you want to, you don't have to.
You gotta cook things in a certain order
if you want it to be good, though.
I could cook them all at the same,
but I'm just saying, I mean, to make it easier sometimes.
Yeah.
We should make ice cream.
Ooh.
Dude, my grandma used to make homemade ice cream.
It's still the best ice cream I've ever had.
It was like in that old school,
this thing was probably from the 40s,
and it's just a Tupperware container or something.
It's like a little machine.
You put ice around it,
and you make the ice cream in the middle, dude.
No ice cream tastes like that, too.
Only homemade ice cream that's a certain way it tastes
that no restaurant can duplicate.
Was it one of these? Yep, exactly.
Right here?
Or was it like right here? Go down,
directly below that one.
Oh, okay, hold on.
Right here? Yep.
Like that.
Oh man, yeah, that looks good.
I've seen some shit like this.
Yeah, dude.
That shit makes the best ice cream, man.
We're gonna have to do that one day, make a milkshake.
That'd be great to have on the set.
Just be churning ice cream during the episode.
Can't hear anything.
That'd be a drink, I'm true.
Ice cream whenever you want, man.
He's 100% serious.
Dude, a soft serve machine?
Once we get some for real money, bro,
gotta have a soft serve machine in the studio.
Hell yeah.
You guys can hang out.
Like at a buffet?
We can have a strawberry one.
Yeah.
I fuck with strawberry.
I liked that he was talking about strawberry.
I love strawberry.
We gotta get the big three,
then we can get pistachio maybe.
Oh yeah, pistachio.
You said the big three, what,
chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla?
Okay, of course.
I feel like that's the big three.
Yeah, that has to be.
Because you got the Napoleon ice cream,
if I'm saying it right.
Neapolitan.
Close enough, Napoleon.
We learn every day.
Hell yeah, man.
Every day.
I love it, I love you, bruh.
Yeah, I love you too, man.
Oh my God.
Yeah, I just love ice cream.
Like when we started talking about this,
I got happy, man.
Like for example, Ben and Jerry's, man.
My favorite of all time.
Man, they're very supportive.
Like I saw recently, Ben and Jerry's had a,
on their Instagram,
because I followed them on Instagram,
I saw they had a petition to sign up
where they'd be like,
you should be able to eat ice cream and smoke weed.
Sign it right now, we're gonna send this.
It's all like, respect.
Yeah.
That's sign that, because you know,
ice cream's awesome, man.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I mean, that's a very sweet sentiment.
If they weren't owned by pedophiles, they'd be awesome.
They're owned by pedophiles?
I didn't know that.
I don't know, but the out of this world is really good.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You just claiming everybody.
You just can't.
Everybody's a pedophile.
Yeah, dude, I'm based.
That's what we do.
I wanna be on Ben and Jerry's good side, man.
Yeah.
They one day see this when they're old.
He's going to fight a Jewish conglomerate.
Now, Dom doesn't like it.
I think, what's the other one?
Give me an A.
Haagen-Dazs.
Haagen-Dazs is great.
I knew that was it.
That's a little on the nose.
Haagen-Dazs, yeah.
Yep, where's that from?
Let's see.
I think it's German, man.
You think so?
I don't know him.
It could be, but I don't wanna just,
I don't wanna say it.
Why don't you be like Dutch or some shit?
Yeah, that's cool.
Haagen-Dazs, ice cream.
One of those European countries.
Let's see, origin, where they're from?
There we go, origin country, original country.
Damn, it's from the Bronx.
Mm.
Oh, shit.
What the fuck?
Damn, that's not what I was expecting.
Oh, it's Danish sound.
Oh, wait, no.
Danish?
No, no, let me read this.
I'm giving you guys.
Haagen-Dazs was created in 1961 by Ruben and Ross Matus
in the Bronx, New York.
They opened their first, excuse me.
Let's go.
Opened their first store November 15th, 1976 in Brooklyn.
The Haagen-Dazs name was invented by Matus
since it was Danish sounding.
He used it as a tribute to Denmark's good treatment
of Jews during World War II.
They're Jews.
They're all Jews, man.
Well, they make a good product.
We're not racist around here.
No, we're not.
Yeah, after your electroshock therapy,
you switched your fucking tune.
Change, man.
I've changed my ways.
Hell yeah, man.
We like everybody here.
Yes, we always have.
I love everybody, man.
Everybody?
Everybody.
Go ahead.
What?
Give them people.
Huh?
All right.
Pacific Islanders?
Of course.
Murderers?
Depends what type.
What kind are acceptable?
White murderers?
No, wait, no.
Damn, I don't know, man.
I mean, I guess self-defense.
Well, that's not murder.
That's not murder?
No, that's not murder.
Debate? No, no debate, no.
So what type of murder are we talking about now?
Murder?
Like general?
Boilerplate murder.
Boilerplate murder?
He wasn't trying to fight for his life or nothing?
Like he just like one day was like,
I just want to get rid of this dude.
We don't know a person's, you know, while they're doing it.
There's two sides to every story.
Yeah, but he was a murderer,
or this person was a murderer, so.
Like Kane, the original murderer.
Now, you know what?
I'll just be safe.
I'll stay away from murders.
No murders?
No, no.
Okay, so that's people we don't support.
No, no.
Native Americans?
Of course, man.
Hell yeah.
Dude, definitely.
Yes.
We wouldn't have rain without him.
I...
Where's that?
The rain dance.
Oh, okay.
Oh my God.
That look.
Rain dance, all right.
Yeah.
All right.
What else we got?
Filipinos.
Yeah, man.
Awesome.
Mm-hmm.
Awesome.
Um, the moan people.
You're great.
People who chew with their mouth open.
All right, all right.
Okay.
The cool cut's horrible, man.
Get them out of here, man.
Whoa.
Fuck this.
Whoa.
They don't know all of them are bad.
No, man, no, I'm good.
Fuck them, next.
Fuck them, man, next.
Hey, man, some of those people just got,
were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Born in the wrong family.
So you're gonna push all of them to the side
because they were born in the wrong family.
Are they still there?
They staying there?
What if they're three years old?
Yeah, dude.
I mean, are they gonna get out of here?
We support them.
They're three years old.
The first word was the N word.
Are they gonna get out of what?
Are they gonna get out of this triple K world?
I mean, if they can, dude.
They might be trapped.
So, wait, how are you trapped?
What happens?
Because what about if you were-
I mean, you can't see through those things.
You can't.
Dude, just take off the mask.
So you don't even know who you're really hating.
Take it off.
What is this, Clayton Biggs?
We take it off.
Yeah.
Take it off.
But what if they're like 14?
They can't go anywhere
because they're living with their mom, mom and dad
and they're just going through the phase right now.
We still support them until they become full adults
and go into it.
No, you gotta run out of it, man.
You gotta get out.
So we don't support them.
No, man, no.
Even the kids.
Nobody.
Okay.
What about Republicans?
There we go.
Republicans, dude, that's their opinion, man.
That's their opinion. Democrats?
Democrats.
I don't, because me, I don't know much.
I don't study.
I don't study politics.
No, the Democrats is a different story.
I don't study politics.
I don't know, man.
I mean, I guess, I mean, was Barack Obama a Democrat?
Yes.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
There we go.
So we support Republicans and Democrats.
Dude, I don't know.
They're just people, Brandon.
You know what, dude, I say it, dude,
my thing is whatever you wanna do, man.
Yeah, right?
Yeah, that's what I say.
Hell yeah.
I'm just confirming it.
Oh yeah, I confirm that, whatever you wanna do, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, this is America, man, pick what you want.
Hell yeah, goddamn right.
You gotta know what you're doing with that shit.
You goddamn right.
It's your own opinion, man.
You wanna pick some crazy?
Pick some crazy, man.
Eugenicists.
Huh?
Eugenicists.
What's that?
They just don't have favorable opinions
on people with undesirable traits.
They kill people who are disabled, handicapped.
No, no, I don't support that.
I'm gonna risk my damn self.
No, man.
Yeah.
I'm good, I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm good, man.
Holy shit.
Fair, fair.
No, my God.
Gotta be safe, man.
But we love everybody.
Yeah, we love everybody.
As long as they're nice, peaceful.
Yeah, as long as you're good, you mean well,
you're not harming people, fuck it.
Yeah, fuck it.
Just live.
Cheers.
That's empty.
Cheers, man.
Let's get a little drink, everybody.
Drink it up.
Ah, were you feeling parched?
Yes, I was, man.
The wets were getting dry.
Yeah, I can see it from here.
Yeah, man.
I'm sorry, Brandon.
Thank you.
That was me, that's on me, man.
I gotta ask you, Liv, man, I can't control that.
Actually, yes the fuck I can.
What I'm trying to say is, what is it?
It happens, and it happened today.
It's nobody else's fault, my own.
It's my own fault.
What happened?
Forgot my Carmex, man.
Forgot my Carmex.
Did your shit start flaking off in the winter, real hard?
Sometimes in the winter, yeah, it can't happen.
And then what I also hate is, sometimes when I use
the Carmex, it'll start drying up,
and I'm like, what the fuck?
Now the Carmex looks like it, and then when you pull
the flakes, it's just Carmex.
And you're like, this is weird, strange.
This is very strange, and not normal.
Like, does that happen to y'all?
No, I don't have any lips.
I don't have any lips.
You don't have much lips, it's very small for you?
Okay, so that's good.
They're always kind of moisturized.
Moisturized, okay.
Because they go into my mouth.
Also, since they're here, because you're talking,
sometimes that saliva comes out there.
Okay, you don't have to lick your lips.
I lick them.
I like to lick.
Damn, man, so you miss those days when people
were licking the mail and shipping them off, huh?
Yeah.
You can still do that.
I mean, you can, but it's just.
It's frowned upon.
It is?
Yeah.
I don't like, you know what I don't like, bro?
People have a book or any sort of paper,
and they lick their finger to be able to get the pages.
Sometimes you have to.
You don't have to.
If your fingers aren't fat as fuck,
you can pretty much get the pages.
I have petite fingers.
Those are not petite, dude.
These are petite.
I don't know what this is.
So you're telling me you never had to lick
your fucking finger to get up past the page in a book?
No, bro, I'm not 75 years old.
Nah, I haven't.
I've had to.
You guys haven't?
First of all, Dom.
Jack said he has.
Reading a book.
Not very believable to begin with.
It's a picture of menu.
Oh, shit, a menu, yeah.
First of all.
Where Dom goes, they have laminated menus.
That's not an issue.
First of all, I read.
And.
Yeah.
What's the last thing you read?
Like a book.
Yeah, like a school book.
What was it, and when was it?
Leadership and Development.
When was it?
Last week.
You read that?
Yeah, well I had to read a chapter out of the book.
You read the chapter?
I was skimmed over.
Yeah, I've been to that too.
I got to the hot points, because I have to.
Who wrote the book?
Shit, fuck if I know.
I haven't read a real book like that though since.
I don't know why I want to say this.
Harry Potter 4.
Ooh.
Harry Potter 4?
See what year that came out.
But when was that?
When did you read it?
It was at.
Elementary school?
Yeah, it was for AR reading in eighth grade.
Reading a fourth grade level book in eighth grade, sick.
I don't know, what are you talking about?
That got the most points.
It was a Goblet of Fire.
You got like 32 points for the Goblet of Fire,
and you didn't have to read another book to hold.
Yeah, it took you six months to read it.
No, dude, it's a quarter.
You got to read it in the quarter.
I was done in the first two weeks of the quarter,
because it was a good book.
But I don't, nobody who's reading, I don't read fiction.
If I was going to read something, it would be,
oh, nah, I'm not going to read.
And it doesn't have to be fiction.
They make non-fiction books.
Yeah, but.
Respect, I was reading about Junie B. Jones.
Shout out Junie B. Jones, that shit was tight.
It was, and Captain Underpants.
I went to a Junie B. Jones book,
and I went to a Junie B. Jones play when I was like five.
They had a play?
I guess so, man.
Damn.
That's crazy, I never knew that.
I should have went.
It was at the VBC.
Oh, damn, man, that's a good place.
Used to work there.
Do some security workin'.
Hell yeah, good time.
No, it was rough.
I thought you said it was good.
Well, I mean, it was just a lot going on, man.
It was like crazy behind the crazy shit.
Like, I mean, just.
Yeah, to pick up people and throw them out and shit like that?
Oh, no, you can't touch, no, you can't touch.
You can't touch them?
No, man, no, you can't.
How the fuck can you be a security guard
and you can't touch nobody?
You can't, because if you do, you'll get in trouble.
What if they go through the male tech,
the male tech that goes off,
and they try to run through the building?
Then you gotta grab your walkie talkie
and just be like, hey, man, we need some help.
You fuckin' with me?
Yeah, I'm serious, because if you do,
you're getting, like, one dude,
this dude went up to the dude, like, hey, nigga.
And then they were like,
got mad at him for doing something,
you know what I mean? Exactly, they were like,
man, so what did he say to N-word?
Like, he was like, ah, nigga, this and stuff.
And he was like, they don't care, it's messed up.
It's rough, man, you can't.
Yeah, I mean, at most, the most thing you could probably do
is just break up a fight, that's it, at most.
And that's pushing it because, like.
But like, so, okay, so for the artist's safety,
like the security guards who are around the stage
or whatever and somebody tries to come up,
there's no way you can't push them back
and you can't, you gotta protect the artist.
No, they want you to do the walkie talkie.
What if somebody goes at them with a knife?
They're like, hey, we need medical help or 911
and stuff like that, which sucks because, I mean.
You could just call 911 without the walkie talkie.
I know, that's what I'm saying, like, I don't,
it's just weird, it's a weird, slippery.
Sounds like a pretty easy job, though.
Yeah, yeah, it's weird, shit going down.
It was messed up, I remember even Mike Epps
called us on that, he called us Wayne the Pooh, man.
What'd he call you on Wayne the Pooh?
So we had on like yellow polos and stuff
and then after that they changed the polos.
Ah!
Mike roasted us up, they changed the outfit.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, it was crazy.
It was crazy.
I love that, who was your favorite person you seen
while you were working there?
It had to be either Mike Epps or when I was on stage
with like, Lorvair Crosshair and Bruce Bruce.
Oh. They were really good.
And then there was a girl that was with him,
she was like really tall, forgot her name.
Leah Thomas?
Let me see, because she's like, I think she was on,
hold on, let me see, I think she was on Queens of Comedy,
let me see, Queens of Comedy.
Let's see which one was, she was her right here.
Oh, that's my boo.
Yeah, it was her.
God damn it, what's her name?
Aretha Franklin.
Shut the fuck up.
No, man, hold on.
Ah!
Dang it, I know, okay, let's see, Samore?
Samone.
Samore?
Samore.
She's a, no, Samore.
Raven Samone.
Oh, man, it's funny.
Kiki Palmer.
Yeah, it was her.
Yeah, Samore, she's hilarious, dude.
She was very funny.
Yeah, she's fucking top tier right there.
You never seen her?
No, I'm not familiar with black female comedians, damn.
Besides Tammy and Miss Pat.
I think, yeah, I think, I'm trying to think
whose black female comics are female,
or white female comics are, who make me laugh the most.
And I think.
I like some British comics.
Wanda Sykes makes me laugh a lot.
Really?
Wanda Sykes, yeah.
And one of them.
She makes me laugh in roles.
Yeah, more in roles, more in roles.
I like Sarah MacMillan.
She's British, she's funny.
Is that the one with the big tits?
She's blonde, kind of heavy set.
Oh, no.
From what I remember.
Hell yeah.
She's funny.
I used to follow this girl on Twitter,
and her name was something like that.
But she looked too good to be a counter.
Yeah, her.
What's the name of her?
With the green in the background, yeah, her.
Millikan.
Oh, okay.
My bad, I got it wrong.
Oh, I love Christina.
Posinski.
Posinski, too.
That's my boo right there.
But when you got Simone, Dominique, god damn.
Like Monique used to be hilarious.
I don't know what she got going on now.
You don't fuck with Miss Pat, dude?
Oh, Miss Pat's hilarious, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Miss Pat was.
Miss Pat's newer for me, though.
Like I found out her through like Rogan and them.
Yeah.
Like, actually it was through your mom's house.
So I found out her through that.
Because she must have not been on like Common View
whenever I was growing up and shit.
And then, so I don't really associate her with that.
But she's a beast.
Oh, snap, dude, I almost forgot the other thing,
person that I saw that was a really cool band,
which you might know, I don't know if you know, Air Supply?
You never, like, they had a song on Deadpool.
Let me see if I can see the picture.
Hold on, the song.
Air Supply?
It's a band?
Wait, what are you talking about a band for?
Oh, because you guys, yeah, I forgot.
I almost did, it's a gig for them.
You guys never seen them?
No.
Man, what's All Outta Love?
That song, All Outta Love.
I'm So Lost Without You.
Yeah.
Oh, that's that shit.
I did not know that was Air Supply.
That was my toughest one, though, because dude,
that, like, you had to fight off the old ladies
and the old ladies would cuss you out.
We don't give a fuck.
And kept trying to like get past you.
And they would, man, they would say the worst.
They would say the worst shit to you, man.
They would call you a piece of shit and all that.
They dropped them in your face.
In your face.
Almost, not to me, thankfully, no.
It's just like what we're talking about
with the nursing homes.
The old people are horny.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, stay up.
What are we gonna do with all that excess elderly
horniness, bro?
Go to Florida and fuck.
We can't.
What?
That's what we're gonna do.
Oh, man, I'll be facing you with some scrubs.
Hey!
You talking about us fucking old people?
Are you talking about?
Because you guys are like,
well, there's nothing else we can do.
Go fuck, man.
I was like, what, damn?
I was talking about.
When you get old.
When you get old, you go to.
You want some goosey, bro?
Shout out.
Alex Z.
The pussy historian.
That was a category back in the day.
Well, I think that's it, guys.
That was a great episode.
That was great, I loved it, man.
That was funny.
My bad sweating, I say, you know it's good.
I be in danger of my damn self.
Damn.
We're out.
I fucking hate Scrappy Dude.