This week on Clown College.
Brandon has too many cameras in his house.
Yeah, he can't do it.
Oh yeah, my mom's like, yeah, it's like a prison, man.
You got a camera outside in the front,
you got a camera in the back,
you got a camera in the hallway,
you got a camera in the front room,
you got one in the kitchen,
you damn near almost got one in the bathroom.
Thankfully they can't, I'm just joking.
They don't have that.
I'm just joking in case CPS is watching this.
But they can't do end calls.
You can call them.
Your mama don't trust you with all that.
They don't call in there.
What do you mean you can call?
Well, because they got a dot,
so she'd be like, hey, you all right?
Or something like that.
If you stay in the bathroom too long?
Oh yeah, but now they just...
So when you're in the bathroom too, she's like, hey.
Oh, thankfully no, no.
But back then they were just like, you okay?
Knock on the door or something.
Hey man, you good?
And you're in there trying to take care of business.
Yeah, handling some good business, man.
You know what I mean.
We all know what I mean.
We gotta get Brandon out.
Ha ha ha ha.
Welcome to Clown College.
We have profound knowledge.
In many ways to elevate and make yourself polished.
So if you want to hear a little honest,
a few takes on our ways to make it as a comic,
then stick around for a while to fit down to Clown.
We got the guests right now just to show you how.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
Shit.
Oh, it's that one.
You get it?
No.
It's playing it.
It's like a perch.
You get up on the rim of the toilet
and shit into it from above.
Oh, that's the shit you do in the gas station
when you wanna touch the whole damn toilet.
Yeah.
You do that?
Yeah.
And then he puts his feet on the.
Oh no, I ain't doing all that.
Yeah, like he gets all the way up there.
How are you gonna potty train your kids?
You know, they'll be acrobatic.
Hopefully I don't marry an American.
I saw Tarzan on the Howard Stern show back in the day.
That was like this four year old
who could bench like 320.
Little Hercules.
Was it Hercules?
Yeah.
Little Hercules.
And he's not swollen no more.
No.
Look at little Hercules.
What about good friends?
Yeah, he did.
What about good friends?
Him right here, Jack.
Yep.
Back in that day.
And then let's show you what today's like.
That motherfucker used to be on the Howard Stern show?
Yeah, he's like regular.
One of my good friends, he used to potty train your kids.
He had the most simplest way to potty train his kids.
Like every time we got to win,
he would sit them on the toilet in front.
He would sit them on a little potty thing in front of the TV.
He'd just sit there for like 30 minutes
until something came out.
Huh, that's smart.
How they potty train you, Brandon.
Honestly, I don't even think I'm still learning now.
Yeah, he's a lifelong learner.
I bet your booty just be itching.
No, nah man, we wiped that ass.
I always wipe my ass.
I remember the day my mama,
do you remember the day your mama stopped wiping your ass?
No, I don't.
I do.
You do?
How old were you?
I don't know, but I remember.
You had to be old enough to remember though.
I think I was like, I don't know,
I think I was like five or six maybe.
And I just said, mama, I'm through.
Wipe yourself.
I smell that from here.
Oh wow.
So six years old, probably seven since you're saying six.
Right?
No.
Eight.
Well, what grade were you in?
I don't think I started kindergarten yet.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah, cause you didn't get potty trained till after that.
Well.
Did you ever feel yourself at school?
Probably never at school.
I was always thinking just on a fishing thing.
I did on purpose.
You did on purpose?
Why?
Well, you want to get out of class?
No, I had to go pee.
My teacher told me, no, you're not gonna go.
I said, if I don't go, I'm gonna pee on myself.
I said, go pee on yourself.
Psh.
Respect.
That's what you gotta do.
But I did get to go home early though,
so that was pretty cool.
She would have been like, you know what?
Pah-pah, shh.
Get her a little bit, huh?
I'll get kicked out of school.
That's how you get kinks.
Hey JJ, we got a special guest on the program.
Oh yeah, dude.
Huntsville Comedy's Ray of Sunshine.
The most positive guy I know.
Pat Grice.
Hey, what's up Pat?
What's going on?
Thanks for coming on.
You know you're a fixture of the Khan College universe.
For real?
Yeah, we talk about you a lot.
We made skits about you you didn't know about.
They're based off you.
You actually were the first comic that I ever seen
and Huntsville in your quote was,
oh no, you too cute to be funny.
Then, yes, on Thursday he goes up on stage
and everybody's calling me fat.
You know how they do whenever I get it.
Like every single person.
A real honest crowd.
Yeah, yeah.
And then he gets up there, he's like,
y'all calling Don fat when I'm sitting right here.
And I was thinking that in my head the whole time.
I'm like, we have to have some kind of standard here.
But then he gets up on stage, he's like,
at least Dominique's still cute.
This is two times.
Why you keep on calling me cute?
Hey, look, all I, okay.
So when I first met you, when I first met you,
I didn't see you as a comic.
But there'd be a lot of comics who came after me
at Huntsville, like I forgot her name.
I don't see her that much no more.
I'm sorry.
But when I first saw her, I thought she was just
a person in the crowd until she got on stage
and told a joke about her pussy wasn't working
or some shit, I can't remember.
But with you, I didn't really see you as a comic.
But when you got on stage, I was like, oh, he does comedy.
No, we gotta fuck shit up.
Like in Huntsville, we don't really have no
handsome comedians for real.
I'm not saying they're my ugly, I'm just saying.
So out of me, Brandon, and JJ, who's the most handsome?
You think I'm ugly?
That's what I'm saying.
I don't think you ugly, but you're kind of challenged.
I'm challenged.
Wait, wait, you said challenged.
Get his ass, Brandon.
Mentally challenged?
No.
You believe that.
I'm just saying.
What type of challenge?
Just a little heart on the face.
Kind of like me.
I know I'm ugly, so I look just like my dad,
so I know I'm ugly.
Correct.
Now, on us three, who's the most handsome?
So you're saying Brandon's not in the conversation.
Okay, so between me and JJ, who's the most handsome?
I'll say JJ.
He got the Jack Harlow thing going on.
He got the cute girlfriend, and he's moving.
It's like, you know.
Exactly.
I'm moving, dude.
I'm drinking breast milk.
We might have some residue over there
in that breast milk if you want to lick it.
I can't focus right now,
because Jake looks so much like Eric.
It's crazy.
Oh my God.
Eric Bischoff?
Yes.
Eric from Sinanigan.
Oh, dude, I thought that was a swap.
I thought that was a swap for me.
I was like, dude, he's showing up after all.
I think I'm seeing double right now, dude.
Yeah, what's going on here?
I don't know, man.
You tell me, man.
I feel like you're my biggest fan right now.
Biggest fan?
I don't know, man, I don't know.
No.
No, honestly, I'm just wearing,
because we did a copycat last night
where we were both dressed up as each other.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
I don't know how I could just pull off a brand new like that.
I think that's very hard to do.
Yeah, you have to be born with it.
Yeah.
I appreciate it, man.
I appreciate it.
They used to say that negatively, but now...
Now?
I respect that.
Now it's empowering.
Now it's good.
God is good all the time, especially on Wednesday.
Hell yeah.
Cheers.
Cheers, guys.
Cheers.
Cheers to a healthy life, you know?
Healthy life.
How you feeling?
I'm a little unhealthy, but I'm straight.
Yeah.
You take your medicine?
No.
Why not?
You gotta do that.
Because I don't have health insurance.
Me neither.
You can get it for free.
Yeah, but that's the bootleg shit.
You don't want that?
Yes, you do.
You want anything that they'll give you, I'm telling you.
No, I don't know.
Pat, I just don't want you to die on us, man.
I don't wanna die on us.
Let's do a healthcare.gov tutorial.
Yeah, come on.
Is that for self?
Healthcare.gov.
I think God has proven to me in multiple ways
that I'm not meant to die.
Like, the way I'm meant to die.
Oh, snap.
Yeah.
I'd have been shot at a couple times, so you know.
I'm pretty sure I might.
You need to be shot with insulin.
That's what you need, or you will die.
It's gonna be worse than a bullet.
Here goes some tutorials.
You got a database of environmental assets
within healthcare.
That's not.
Hey, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause.
I feel like if you're gonna do a tutorial on health,
the last thing I wanna see is a skeleton.
That means that he wasn't healthy.
Well, yeah.
I mean, that wasn't a real one, though, I think, right?
I don't know.
I hope not.
Yeah, they're all real.
They're donated.
Like, if you donate your body to science.
What?
Healthspacecare.tutorial.gov.
Here's a little bit of tip.
Wait, okay, good.
I thought I put a dot with the care.
So look, but you can get free healthcare.
There's no way.
I mean, you can go in there and get your medicine for free.
There's not a chance you can't.
I tried to get Ozipi one time.
No.
I mean, you probably, I don't know if you can.
I think I would need Ozipi more
than anybody else right now.
No, for sure, for sure.
You're who it's meant for.
Here goes one, two, right here.
I mean, for real, you're who it's meant for.
They should be, if that's what it needs to level you out.
But if you keep on going out of whack
and you got the bitters,
then it's gonna take you out.
It will.
And relatively a short amount of time
if you don't fuck around,
I mean, if you fuck around with not taking your medicine.
I'm gonna get myself back right
because I don't want Don me and my friend crying.
So I'm trying to tell him.
I'm trying to tell him.
I'm gonna look at you in the casting black.
This is a good start.
Like these are some of the things
I need to sign up with for myself.
You got diabetes?
No, I hope not.
I haven't got tested yet in a while.
When's the last time?
I don't even know, man.
I couldn't even tell you.
Do you be feeling dizzy?
Feeling dizzy, like what do you mean dizzy?
Like you'll be dizzy?
You'll be falling asleep?
Pete dizzy.
Dude, I asked you, wait, wait, like what time?
I don't know.
In the morning.
Anytime you ain't told to be sleepy.
When you wake up.
I thought, we all get sleepy sometimes.
Like, dude, you be sleepy, right?
Dude, I never get sleepy.
You never do.
Me neither, I don't never get sleepy either.
Okay, now they joking.
What about you?
You get sleepy though, right?
Cause you got diabetes.
You get sleepy?
Yeah.
Jake?
Jake.
I'm an American.
Yeah.
Alex?
Yeah.
I'm just saying, I'm just saying like,
how I found out I was diabetic.
I was at work and I just kept being dizzy
and falling asleep.
That's what made you think?
No, I just thought it was weird.
I was dizzy like every, a lot of times.
So when I went to the doctor,
they was like, boy, your blood sugar sky high.
What was it?
You remember the number?
I don't remember.
He's a medical professional.
I don't know, but it was high enough
to keep me in the hospital for like two days.
They kept me in that bed for two days.
Oh my God.
Jesus, they still tear your blood out.
Right, and look, my blood sugar would go down,
then it would come right back up.
I'd be like, well hell, y'all feeding me bread.
Like, what's gonna happen?
Like, just because I'm drinking zero,
seven don't mean my sugar gonna go up.
You should do keto.
I'll do it with you.
I don't trust you.
Huh?
I don't trust you.
Why not?
You said we was gonna go to the gym together.
We are, we start Monday.
You keep saying Monday, Monday.
We don't go.
We start on Monday, dude.
Each Monday.
I didn't say which one.
It's a holiday tomorrow.
Yeah, well you can't.
What holiday is it?
Columbus Day.
Indigenous.
No, not indigenous people.
We didn't do our thing.
We didn't do our land acknowledgement, dude.
Start it off.
We still celebrate Columbus?
I acknowledge that this land was rightfully claimed
by the Europeans.
Okay, no.
No.
And that was what was meant to happen.
Yep, do yours.
For the, this is for the indigenous people.
We acknowledge their land.
The only thing I acknowledge is that America came up
on some shit that wasn't theirs.
Hell yeah.
That's the most American thing said on this fucking podcast.
That's the most American of us all.
Yeah, he is.
As you and Brandon was just talking about
how you have voted for Trump earlier out there.
No, see, look at that.
See how they do that?
Try to get your own board.
I would vote for Trump.
I would vote for Trump in any comedic type of stuff.
But to run the country,
the nigga that got the suitcase to all the missiles,
hell no, I don't trust that.
He has no idea how to follow.
I don't trust myself with a suitcase
that got the keys to the missiles.
I would blow up any goddamn thing if I feel something.
So you're not voting for Trump?
No.
You voting for Kamala?
Kamala?
Kamala.
Yeah, I'm voting for Kamala.
You are?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah, have I voted yet?
I feel you, cause I only voted one time in my whole life.
I don't vote, I express that.
When Obama first ran?
Yeah, it's reasonable.
The second time I didn't vote
because I was on flat winning line.
That is true, it's a valid argument.
Yeah.
Waiting in line to vote.
Same here.
And you kinda knew he was gonna win the second time
cause who wants to vote for a guy who owns ketchup?
Who owns ketchup?
Mitt Romney?
I think.
He owns like Heinz or?
I don't know, but I remember that was a running joke.
You think he just owns ketchup as a whole?
Like he owns a company that does ketchup.
That's what I was told in the joke.
What if it was made into like a Heinz address?
Okay, so it was Heinz?
I don't know if it was Mitt Romney, I know he's Mormon.
Yeah, I knew he was Mormon.
So there's a chance I had a wife
that was involved in the ketchup thing.
Yeah, somebody who ran for this country with some ketchup.
Let's fill out mail-in vote ballots next week.
Fill in mail-in.
Does, what the hell was that?
He probably owns ketchup.
Does Mitt Romney own ketchup?
Oh my God.
Probably.
What the fuck is that?
What is this?
I don't know.
That doesn't make any sense.
Oh.
It don't make any sense, he said.
Mitt Romney.
He took that to the Mickey's.
He can't come back.
That doesn't say, why is everybody holding ketchup
saying Mitt Romney retired?
He retired from the ketchup.
Okay, okay, all right.
It's too hot in this room.
It is hot.
I'm losing our minds.
Yeah, man, I don't know if I'm sweating or just oily.
I'm hot now.
I'm sweating.
It could be both though.
Probably so. Ketchup, salmon.
My friend, I couldn't find my lotion,
my friend had like, it was like a bottle of lotion,
but it was like oil for us.
For your friend, huh?
A woman.
I was like, you know what I'm saying?
I'm dark skinned, I should get the oily look.
You know what I'm saying?
The worst thing in the world
you could be is black and ashy.
That's true.
That's a person who doesn't give a fuck about his life
and if you see one, run.
If he's getting aggressive with you, run.
They don't care.
If they're ashy.
Ashy and dirty shoes.
Like if they wore your shoes,
if you see a black dude with your shoes on.
Bad news.
Every kid I grew up with that was ashy
is in jail right now doing life or murder.
Oh my God.
See.
So I'm going to jail man.
I was about to say Brandon's a good guy.
I'm a good guy.
But you like, you just need ashy.
See?
It's just on the darkness of your knees.
Okay, so that's acceptable.
Yeah, well it's just me.
So you one of those guys when it get out the shower,
you be like, I'm wearing jeans, I don't need no lotion.
That's true.
You said that what guy?
Are you that guy who just don't give a fuck about his legs,
just put lotion on his arms and face?
Nah man.
Nah.
I could be that guy.
Man damn.
Brandon, you got like a skincare routine?
Yeah man.
What do you do?
Put on some lotion.
Wash my face.
With what?
With a CeraVe.
Okay.
Ooh, okay.
Fancy.
He's got a white girlfriend.
Yeah, exactly what that means.
It's easy, it just says face lotion and face cleaner.
That's good enough for me.
And then that's what we do.
Is it a lotion or a cleaner?
Oh no, the cleaner than the lotion.
Dang.
It's a two step.
It's a two step, okay.
And he has post-it notes on each one.
One and two.
Cause then my face gonna be ashy.
Yeah.
I don't want that.
Nah.
I'm trying to get something, knock the oil down.
Every time I take a picture, I look on here,
I look like I'm oily as shit.
I know it's just sweat, but.
Is that good for you?
You're like an oil control.
I just, yeah, fat kids deal.
It's had a deal on it, $5.
So, I don't know.
Do you think they'd have that all the time?
Fat people and worth it.
Yeah.
So what's up, Pat?
Oh no, man.
What's been going on?
What's been going on with you with the comedy scene?
Oh man, like for me, it's,
I'm trying to elevate a little bit.
You know what I'm saying?
Y'all see me on stage.
I just be, you know,
throwing wild things out there,
telling my jokes and stuff.
I'm trying to get it to the writing stage now.
Like writing a joke is so hard for me
because it's like I can write a joke
and I be like, I feel confident about it.
But the day that I want to try that joke out,
I be like, okay, I think I need to change this.
I think I need to change that.
And writing is always the hardest part for me.
Like I come up with ideas in the strangest place.
Like I can come up with a whole set
just at open mic, just sitting there thinking like,
hmm, I could talk about that.
What's the strangest place you came up with an idea?
At a funeral.
What was the idea?
Well, I was at a funeral,
but I was thinking about my grandfather's funeral.
Y'all heard the joke before.
And actually I was a little kid when my grandfather died,
but I remember that he had no legs and stuff.
And I remember-
Foreshadowing.
Yeah, and I remember when,
I remember the funeral of Bagley,
but as a kid I always wondered like,
why did he have a full casket?
He had no legs.
Yeah.
Like I was so-
It just seems wasteful.
It does.
Yeah.
Cause you could have put them in like an infant.
No, you know what I mean?
Because they don't have as much, the tallness.
Yeah.
Was he a big guy?
No, not really.
Not big, so you think he could fit?
Probably so.
But it costs more money.
Cause funerals are expensive as shit.
Did y'all have, unless you got insurance,
like life insurance, that shit costs money.
Well, what's a cremate of?
What have you just cremate of?
That's still a few thousand dollars, I think.
Yeah, it's still a few thousand.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
But a whole funeral, like in over 10,000,
you're looking at.
Damn.
Would you pay that much for a loved one?
I mean, I would if they wanted it,
but I want to make sure my family knows
I don't give a flying fuck.
I'm dead.
I don't really care.
Right.
Stick a pole up my ass and put me on I-95.
Holy shit.
I don't care, I'm dead, I don't know.
You want that?
I mean.
We can make it happen.
I could see it being pleasurable.
What if you're a ghost?
Huh?
Who a ghost?
Watch yourself.
But then I'd be a ghost at the top of a pole on I-95.
What's better than that, baby?
Sitting on the ground, yeah.
Could we make you into like a rug for the studio?
Yeah, dude.
But you would think my back was hairy, it's not though.
So you would.
I've never thought about that.
You would have.
I'm gonna be honest, I've never thought about that.
You could make a rug with my front.
I got a good amount of hair on there.
Brandon, you'll be weaving that one.
So look, Brandon, you're just gonna cut me out right here,
right, from the net and just use this part as the rug.
It could be for the bathroom or whatever.
Scrape the flesh off.
Yeah, scrape the flesh off the bat.
But you gotta do something to it to texturize the skin.
Yeah, so it's.
Crazy.
You have to breathe on it real loud.
I don't usually do that.
It's like I kinda disgusted how to roast a pig.
Yeah, that's what it sounds like.
That's exactly.
I was like, this is crazy.
Fuck you.
Just for the marinade done for a couple days.
That's wild.
A wee out for his dad.
Boy, the buzz is gonna be like,
this is some good seasoning.
We ironically put an apple in his mouth.
Oh my God.
Weird mess it, man.
Walt Disney wanted to freeze his head.
You wanna be roasted like a pig?
Wow.
What you wanna do?
After you're dead, you have to have a funeral or cremation?
I'm like, you know, I don't care.
Cause I'm dead.
What you got?
I don't care.
Whatever's easier.
Yeah, that should be what's on your tombstone.
Whatever's easier.
Whatever you feel, because I'm not here.
We could be broke.
Well, I mean, yeah, we could be broke.
You never know.
But hopefully.
If you're broke, don't go in the death to fucking bury me.
Throw me in a box.
It's like the worst goodbye.
Yeah.
JJ, what you gotta do to go to heaven?
After you die, don't you gotta do a certain amount of?
It's all about your soul.
Physical body doesn't matter.
Oh, okay.
Doesn't matter.
You don't have to put like the quarters over the eyes
or anything like that?
No, I just wanna be around children.
What?
My body.
So that they can learn from my mistakes.
See, I wanna go to heaven too.
But I don't wanna be around that.
Okay?
I would like to be like a weekend.
I just wanna be a background actor in commercials.
Just use my body for that.
I wanna go to heaven, but I think I'd be trouble in heaven.
What?
I'd be begging God like,
yo, can I go down and haunt this motherfucker
for like two minutes, man?
I'll be begging God to let me go down here
and let me just haunt people for a little minute.
Oh yeah.
That's reasonable.
Yeah, be a fat hauntin' ghost.
I might break rules and get sent to hell.
Oh, that'd be crazy.
Hey man.
You'd be the worst ghost trying to haunt.
Yeah, you can see a bus for the room.
Oh, yeah, oh shit.
Hey man, hell might be fun down there.
You know what I'm saying?
No, I'm not.
I don't think it would be.
I'm not doing this.
I mean.
JJ, tell him.
I don't think it would be, dude.
Like what if all your best friends
that you were real close with died
when they go to hell?
No.
Sal, he said it too.
Look, it's that joke, but my friend said this.
He's like, shit, I'd rather go to hell.
Shit, all my friends gonna be there.
And that's your reasoning right now,
and this is beautiful.
Yeah, like I'm not saying I wanna go to hell,
but like what if hell's not what it all cracked up to be?
No.
What is worse than people think?
This is not good, man.
Cause then you gonna be at the gate thinking like,
but what about this video right here?
Replay it.
What if it's bad?
What about like all the fire and stuff?
Yeah, the fire, man.
Burning internally.
And the suffering.
I don't think that's true, per se.
Oh.
Wow.
What do you think it's like?
Somebody described it to me one time,
and I'm not saying it was right.
I was young and probably just listen to the motherfucker talk,
but it was like, whatever your sin was,
you're gonna be like, it's gonna be repeated thing.
I guess like a torture thing
for you to go through that same thing.
Like, I don't know.
I don't remember vaguely,
but I think he put in the vaguely like, let's say.
So Brandon has like, fuck a football forever.
Yeah.
Wow.
So like gluttony, it's just gonna be
like a golden corral buffet.
Yeah.
Yeah, golden corral is hell.
Hey, man.
That would definitely be hell,
because like as a fat guy,
I done got full before, that shit do not feel good.
You be like, ugh, you don't wanna move.
Yeah, you feel disgusted with yourself.
Yeah, yeah.
And I've been there, actually like three days ago.
I'm there right now, dude.
Same.
What was he know?
Well, I went to the store, I was like,
I'm gonna buy all these like TV dinners for like,
multiple days, and then I ate like three of them
in one night.
And they were like hungry, man.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my gosh, dude.
Imagine how much sodium that was.
Oh, it was massive amounts.
I probably should, my doctor would not like it.
I did that recently.
I made like a pot of Rotel,
because I just wanted some.
And it was like, by the second bowl, I was like, mm.
That's funny.
Did you eat the whole pot of Rotel?
Not in one night.
Okay.
Two, two, two, two, two, and three days.
Okay, that's good.
I thought you were gonna say you ate the whole pot
of Rotel in one night.
No, I can't do that.
My ass will be just fucked up.
Destroyed.
I can't imagine the shit you did.
Leakage.
You got leakage?
No.
Now, see, I don't believe that.
I don't think believe it's possible for you
not to have a little leakage.
Like what, for my ass?
Yeah.
No.
So you go in there, after you go walking around,
you wipe, and it's perfectly clean.
Wipe your ass right now and bring it in.
Yep.
I took a shit like a few minutes ago.
That's what you was doing there?
Yeah.
I'm glad you did it while we were in here for an hour
and it gets time to air out.
Like, hey man, ate Chinese food, ate some pizza.
Good combo.
Hell yeah, man.
Yeah.
Good combo.
Yeah.
Wow.
That is a good combo.
What's been new?
Because you're like our pop culture guru.
We trust you on everything pop culture.
Go ahead.
Well, rest in peace, Wanda Smith, she passed away.
Rest in peace.
She was a comedian, legend on the radio.
Unfortunately, I didn't know about her
until Kat Wynn roasted her.
You know, good roast.
It was a good roast.
You know, rest in peace to her.
What else is going on?
We watched that on here before.
Oh yeah, funny as hell.
That right there?
Hell yeah.
Now, you like to go with death first, so who else?
Oh man.
Wendy Houston, she passed.
Yeah.
Since she Houston, she passed.
Rest in peace.
Kimbae Matambo.
Yeah, Matambo, yeah.
Not today.
The Kenny, yeah.
The funniest thing about death of a celebrity.
Pete Rose.
Yeah, Pete Rose.
Baseball player.
He should be in the Hall of Fame.
Should be.
Bet on himself.
He probably will be.
No.
One of like the leaders of the neo-Nazis died.
He fell, he was climbing up Hitler's like one of his
mountains that he really loved,
and he tripped on a roof and fell to underneath.
Yes, that's it.
I bet he tripped on a wandering Jew.
Got him.
Botany joke.
I'm gonna tell you my favorite thing about
celebrities dying.
Next time, grab the mic.
No, you go ahead, guy.
Like, my favorite, my best thing about celebrities dying
is when they post videos or like when they was
on some fuck shit or saying some shit
that was kinda fucked up.
Like when Whitney Houston mother died,
they played an old video of,
apparently there was some little tension between
Whitney Houston and Janet Jackson,
and Whitney Houston's mom was like,
fuck that bitch.
I was like, damn.
I got nothing.
We ask the hard questions around here.
Now recently R. Kelly's daughter just came out
and said that he sexually assaulted her
and she was just scared to tell everybody.
Do you still listen to his music?
Hell yeah.
Okay, that's right.
That's right off the back.
No question about it.
I mean, this is my thing about the R. Kelly thing
and I watched the whole survival R. Kelly thing.
If this man experience,
I don't know what I'm saying, I'm drunk.
If he shows signs of being pedophilia,
he should have been stopped before
he made all those great music.
Like the principal said that he used to hang out.
That's a great point.
It was like, you can't let him get away with all this
forever and then next thing you know,
he drops all these classic hits albums
and now you want to cancel his music.
That shit's not happening.
Yeah, you should have, I mean,
his music fully redeemed it.
Yeah.
It did actually.
Yeah.
No it didn't.
No it did not.
No, no.
Bro, this man was on trial for child pornography.
The video was out there.
Everybody is suing me because I was a kid at the time.
Watch the video.
He made chocolate factory and he was found not guilty.
Isn't that in a fucked up way redeemable
to the fucked up mindset of people?
But it should be to you.
I mean it wasn't to me.
I was a kid, I ain't give a fuck.
I just wanted the music.
Yeah.
I mean but at the same time, the girl,
I'm just saying man, look, all I'm saying is,
as he married Aaliyah when she was 15,
y'all didn't say shit.
He made a child sex tape.
And y'all sold that shit like a pornography on the streets.
This is both facts.
And even the high school principal said R. Kelly
used to hang around the school as a grown ass man
fucking with kids.
Y'all didn't do shit neither.
He made 12 play.
He made I believe I could fly.
He wrote all these hits and then now y'all wanna say,
Cal State's music, it's not happening.
Uh huh.
Okay. It's not.
That's a firm stance we take here at class.
So you separate the artists from the music.
Yes.
Because yeah, people still look at Dr. Seuss.
You still like Walt Disney.
So yeah.
They were Nazis.
Oh, well.
Nazis.
How you done not do that?
Slave shit.
Oh, that's what they do?
They were racist.
Dr. Seuss made some books about slavery and stuff.
Uh huh.
Jokes.
She's on his wife.
I would say that's a tad bit different than child rape.
Yeah.
I mean the ice cream theme song was racist.
Huh?
The ice cream theme song is racist.
The ice cream thing.
Da da da da da da da.
Oh, it's probably DC's pilot DC that shit shirt.
Oh shit.
Yeah, that's racist.
They still bump their shit.
You know something like,
me and guys, why?
I don't know, son.
You ain't never heard that.
Ice cream song.
The ice cream theme song?
Oh yeah, I heard about that.
Let me search it up.
Like when the ice cream truck is coming down the street.
Oh, okay.
That is a racist fucking song.
That's what the KKK used to play on the streets.
Yeah.
The ice cream theme song.
Yeah.
I mean the only person who muses is gonna be a counselor
because his fuck shit is dirty
because he didn't drop that many good musics.
Well his music wasn't good enough to redeem his crap.
Yeah.
Like he only had one song I liked by the way,
that was it.
So he needs to go to jail forever.
I mean, that's what it looked like.
I mean, I don't.
I'm sure that's what it felt like.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
So is there any white singers who did anything fucked up?
No, never.
No, not one.
Oh hell yeah.
We definitely know, yeah.
Not one.
No, there had to have been some.
Jerry Lee Lewis?
Like all of them.
Yeah, like literally all of them.
Well they got grandfathered.
Elvis Presley?
Remember that country singer back in the 50s?
I forgot his name, what was his name?
Hank something.
I believe there's something newer than this though.
Yeah, I was trying to think of something newer.
Yeah.
Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Oh yeah, he's bad.
He's a 19 year old.
Yeah, Hank Williams was crazy.
Well then there's like a, what's his name?
They come back to this picture,
that man looked like he raised a little girl.
The dude who wrote the plays that married his stepdaughter
or his daughter.
Woody Allen.
Mm-hmm.
He's not a singer, but he made art.
There's no way a play is fucking good enough to redeem that.
You know?
Yeah, he had great movies though.
True.
Nah, I've never seen his movies.
Yeah, me neither.
I don't know.
But.
But I heard, I mean people highly acclaimed,
I guess you could say.
Yeah, he's like a pedo Larry David.
Yeah.
Damn.
That's crazy, man.
So any more hard questions?
Yeah, I got one.
Brandon.
You still watch Bill Cosby's show?
Hell yes.
Yeah, I get what you mean.
Like.
Because it's like, we'd be like, that's not Bill.
We replaced the actor with somebody else in our head.
No, it's just, look, artist art.
I mean.
Yeah, so the artist.
A lot of artists fucked up in a kind of way.
Like who's the guy that cut his ear off
through comparison pictures?
Ooh, Vincent Van Gogh.
Van Gogh.
I thought it was Picasso, but yeah.
The solid, yeah.
Yeah, like.
One of them.
Picasso more recent.
Yeah, like fuck those shit creates good art.
I mean, a legend named Michael Jackson
was sleeping with kids and.
Hey, we don't bring up Michael Jackson in this podcast.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's a saint and he didn't do anything wrong.
Okay.
I mean, I don't know.
I wasn't invited to the bedroom,
so I don't know what was going on with my kids.
No, you wouldn't have been invited.
No, I'm not.
Brandon might have got in there.
Brandon would have definitely got in.
Brandon probably would have lived there.
At the ranch.
Yeah.
With him and Macaulay Culkin.
He would have been sleeping with the same man with bubbles.
No, I wouldn't have, dude.
Bubbles are scary as shit, man.
Bubbles is terrifying.
Why?
Cause that, dude, that was a whole chimpanzee, man.
Fuck that.
I don't fuck with chimpanzees.
Y'all probably would have been best friends.
No, man, dude.
Especially because I know what they do.
Like we're gonna be best friends for a year.
Like what they do.
Then that shit change and next year they get big.
And then when the right moment happens, they snap on you.
Like I remember this dude,
he used to bring a birthday cake to all these,
this one monkey, right?
No, no, he brought it one time.
So he used to always go visit this monkey.
And then one time he goes visit it again
with a birthday cake.
And then they're like,
oh, he's not gonna give us a birthday cake?
So then they rip all this shit off.
Even his dick.
What?
Yeah.
Over a fucking cake.
Over a cake.
You know about this?
Yeah, I've heard this.
But who would bring a monkey a cake?
Well, he loved his monkey.
But that don't mean the monkey loved cake.
No, that cake.
No, the monkey loved cake.
That's why he ripped this shit off
cause he didn't bring cake again.
They wanted the cake.
Oh.
Jealousy.
They're petty ass bitches.
Yeah, don't fuck with them.
Don't fuck with them.
I'm a little monkey, get a capuchin or something.
A what?
What's that?
A capuchin.
How you spell that?
Capuchin.
I don't know how to spell it.
Poocher.
That sounds like an episode on Naruto.
Oh, there it is.
Thank you.
It helped me out.
Oh yeah, I couldn't even.
Oh, nice.
All right, you just get one of them.
Oh yeah, I saw this at a pawn shop.
Why they have it in the cage.
Who's selling a monkey at a pawn shop?
What?
No, they weren't selling it.
It was their pet.
Oh, I was about to say.
Who pawns a monkey?
Who steals all the stuff to their shop?
A cap in the cage.
Brandon.
These are the ones that beat up like tourists in China.
Yeah, yeah, they steal their phones and shit
and then get a barter with them.
Gangs probably use them, dude.
Huh?
Gangs probably.
Oh, they steal shit?
Hell yeah.
Pickpocket.
Yeah, that's smart.
But like, oh, but they act like your friends.
Oh, so that's the monkey that was in the ladder.
That's a boo.
That's a boo?
No, that's the one from,
what's the, not at the museum.
And Zookeeper.
Zookeeper.
We fuck with that.
That was a surprisingly good movie to me.
Which one?
It's the same movie.
The first one.
I don't see the first one.
Oh yeah, no, the not at the museum.
They were great to me.
I watched that with a girl and I was half sad.
I was like, this is surprisingly good.
Money or booze?
The guy in short shorts from Reno 911 wrote.
Really?
Oh shit, Darryl?
Thomas Lennon, yeah.
I'm just goofing, new boo goofing.
Yeah, I had the worst luck with women.
I don't got no booze.
I remember.
The first conversation you had with me
was in front of Fusion.
And I didn't know you, like at all.
And you just came up to me and he said,
does this sound weird?
My girl staying at her cousin house,
but I done been dating her for years.
I ain't never met him.
And then I was like, she's cheating on you.
You don't remember that?
I remember that, but me and my girl
was only together for a year.
Okay, yeah.
Oh yeah.
Was it really her cousin?
I don't know.
I don't think there's no chance.
Let me tell you something about me.
Once I feel like that shit wasn't going nowhere,
I just packed up and left.
I didn't even care.
It wasn't even a breakup, I just left.
You like to bring up real conversations
on the first time you talk to people, right?
Yeah.
That's what's up.
Just whatever's going on,
the worst thing that's going on in your life, you say.
Let's talk about this with somebody I've never met.
What's the worst thing that's going on in your life?
Yeah, what's going on in your life, man?
Well right now my life is pretty decent.
I came from Florida for the first time,
for the first time this year.
Like I said, after the breakup, that was...
You had to get out of there.
Yeah, I had to get out of there.
Hustled my way, got my own shit.
My folks helped me get a car, got my own place now.
I'm chilling.
Hell yeah.
You hear that lady looking at the camera?
Right here.
Hell yeah.
Got my own place, man.
Hell yeah.
That was good.
It feels good when you walk around your house naked.
See that's what's up.
Walking around with your Johnson.
Now that's good shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The magic Johnson.
Yeah.
That was me.
Brandon has too many cameras in his house.
Yeah, he can't do it.
Oh yeah, my mom's like,
yeah, it's like a prison, man.
You got a camera outside in the front,
you got a camera in the back,
you got a camera in the hallway,
you got a camera in the front room,
you got one in the kitchen,
you damn near almost got one in the bathroom.
Thankfully they can't, I'm just joking.
They don't have that.
I'm just joking in case CPS is watching this.
But they can't do end calls.
You can call in there.
Your mama don't trust you with all that shit.
You can call in there.
What do you mean you can call?
Well, because they got a dot,
so she'd be like, hey, you all right?
Or something like that.
If you stay in the bathroom too long?
Oh yeah, but now they just.
So when you're in the bathroom too, she's like, hey.
Oh, thankfully no, no.
But back then they were just like, you okay?
Knock on the door or something.
Hey man, you good?
And you're in there trying to take care of business.
Yeah, handling some good business, man.
You know what I mean.
We all know what I mean.
We gotta get Brandon out.
If you guys wanna donate to the GoFundMe
to get Brandon out of his home house,
set it up in the comments below.
But I thought you did move out already though.
Oh no, no, I just go back and forth.
I'll be at my house, my girl's house, that's it.
You ever walk around naked at your girlfriend's house?
Never, in my life, never.
Did you ever think of that?
No, never, no.
Why not?
No, because why?
Man, if you lay it down right,
you can walk around naked.
No, no, no.
I don't think she lives by herself.
No.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my bad.
Nobody cares about all that.
Pat said it right.
I actually agree with a lot of the things
that you said this episode.
I don't know if you wanna go with that.
Okay, so do you at least walk around the bedroom naked?
Bedroom, no.
How do you?
So hold on, you walk around the bedroom naked
after you get done fornicating?
Yeah, why not?
It's my room.
Yeah, but-
If I was you.
No, I'm just, that would be for real.
Look, look, look.
I mean, I'm not walking around.
I mean, I walk to the bathroom naked, take a piss.
She knew before we got in that bedroom
what she was getting herself into.
She knew that there was a lot.
Yeah.
So if I got it, so when I get through
and I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna walk around naked.
But you don't want her-
I like that.
Yeah.
I like this guy.
You can't argue with that.
That is sick.
I'm just saying everybody has post-nut clarity, right?
So you don't want hers to happen
and then you're the first thing she sees.
What's up with that?
Okay, I'll make it, okay, I'll make it so.
Like a black hole.
Okay, I'll tell you like this.
Once I bust that nut, I don't give a fuck.
You don't want, maybe she wanted to come back around.
Maybe I don't.
That's true.
That's true, if you don't, yeah.
His post-nut dominates her post-nut.
That is true.
And also you have to orgasm to have that.
Yeah, that's true.
So I wouldn't have it.
I wouldn't have it.
When Pat sits around his room naked, he sits around.
You don't want to talk to me like that, Pat?
Maybe it's true.
I know what I am.
Pat, you had one of the best rows last night.
Can you tell us what you said about Brandon?
About the hairline.
Oh yeah, I said Brandon's like a civil rights activist.
He has a hairline of a civil rights activist.
For article.
He just added that.
Oh my God, have you seen the videos on TikTok
and Instagram Reels of the, it's a company,
they only employ autistic people.
Where?
And they go around and do videos about like facts and shit
and they all have shirts on that says like,
I love somebody with autism and stuff like that.
Dude, it's so good.
Yeah, we need to watch that.
It's so fucking good.
How much they making?
Do you want to apply?
Probably more than publics.
Yeah.
You want us to interview you into it?
Oh yeah, if I can get in there, I'll do it.
You might be the CEO.
Maybe, wouldn't that be great?
You would come in there and clean up.
Boy, you'd be the spokesperson.
You'll support them on the pod every day.
Oh hell yeah, man.
Support them good.
I want some more hard questions, man.
I love hard questions.
Go ahead, get him a hard one.
Take a something.
Okay, dude.
Oh, somebody asked me this at work the other day.
Okay.
And I thought this was very profound.
It's one of those questions that means something else.
Okay.
So you're walking down the side of the road
and you see a cardboard box.
And everybody's gonna answer this, okay?
You see a cardboard box, it has cats in it,
like little kittens.
How many kittens do you see in the box, in your head?
How many do you see?
Nine.
Nine, okay.
Seven.
Seven?
You say the question one more time.
So you're walking down the road
and you see a cardboard box on the side of the road.
Okay, so I see a cardboard box on the side of the road.
Yes, and there's kittens in there.
Okay.
How many kittens do you see in the box?
Like in your mind, how many do you see?
How big is the box?
Like standard size box.
Like a standard box.
Yeah, you know.
Are they on top of each other
or is it just like they're at the bottom?
Just how many, you got that.
There's not a right answer.
What do you see in the box?
It's just how many is your mind imagining?
Man, damn, hold on.
Count them out.
Okay, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, 10, 12, 13, 14.
Okay.
Probably 17.
17.
And it's interesting that you say that, Brandon.
Oh, really?
The psychological question that that is,
however many cats you imagined in the box,
that's how many minors you've slept with.
Oh no, that's not.
Damn, Brandon.
Hey, this is a lie.
This is a lie.
All right.
This is gone.
No, I'm just kidding.
Oh, thank God.
It's supposed to be how many kids you want.
Oh, I meant 17.
You said nine.
Yeah, I definitely don't want nine.
You said seven.
That's bullshit, then.
You said 17, dude.
That's odd, cause I did want a lot of kids.
So I guess it worked on him.
Yeah.
If I had nine kids.
That just means you have nine kids somewhere.
Well, I wouldn't be bad.
If you had nine kids, that means.
As long as you don't have to take care of them.
If you had nine kids.
That one in Korea, there's at least two in Korea.
Dude, if there's some big ass eyebrows,
stocky dude over there.
It'd be half Filipino though,
cause the Koreans isn't really.
Fuck with the biggest that much.
But Filipinos, for a guy like you in Korea,
dude, you clean, I'm talking about the baddest.
The baddest?
Baddest Filipinos you ever seen in your life.
I like fat black guys.
Oh yeah, they're like anything with money.
In like your money stretches farther.
Oh shit, like my belly.
Hey.
Let me get your little.
Hell.
I like that.
He's hot.
No, I can't do it man.
I love black women.
Oh, so you only mess with black girls.
I mean I fuck all kinds,
but if I want to marry one, it's gonna be a dark story.
Oh, so if you get like an Asian or a white,
you just strictly, that's just strictly business.
But if you want to fall in love,
beautiful newbie and queen.
Yeah, I need a black woman.
That's how JJ thinks too.
I believe that firmly.
They just, mine's a little bit more open to interpretation.
They just can't be white.
You can get your, I feel like JJ
gave him a bad black bitch.
Oh yeah, dude, he would get the baddest one.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, dude, I wouldn't know what to say at all.
Nah.
Shit, just be you.
You should be.
Just be you, man.
What if I start dressing all cool and stuff?
No more huge jeans.
If you get a lineup, dog,
I'm talking about a French line up.
Hey bro, oh man.
Dog, you look like Jeremy did last night.
Do he shave his beard off?
And he has a...
Are you about to say he's hot now?
No, no, no, he still looks worse.
I mean, but not worse, but he looks a little better.
Okay.
Like a little bit more presentable,
still walks like that.
Nipple still pierced.
I guess.
Toes still painted.
I mean, probably.
Still dropping in balms.
I guarantee that.
When did he start this?
Hmm?
When he was calling you that the other day.
What?
That's crazy.
The civil rights gene activated.
Oh.
Damn.
That Martin Luther King hair line.
Yeah.
Frederick Douglass.
Oh lord, that Frederick.
How are my dreams?
Dreams are good.
My dreams are good.
Dreaming one day. What you dreaming about?
Gonna wake up.
Like autistic kids, and when autistic kids,
we're all gonna come together.
There we go.
And everybody's gonna do the same shit, so yeah.
And everybody's gonna go to Monday Night Row.
Yeah.
Summer slam, yep.
Oh shit.
I gotta get back into it.
Yeah, we got confirmation that we got a wrestler
that's gonna beat the shit out of Brandon.
Oh my.
But we got you, you're gonna have a fuckin' pro walkout.
You got your cape, you got your mask,
you got your singlet, your wrestling shoes.
He's coming out there and he's wrestling a real wrestler.
And this guy said, he asked, he was like,
what do you want to do?
Like, how do you want to do this?
Do you want me to punish him?
And then me and Kim said, absolutely.
Punish.
I'm not gonna lie, I would like to be your wrestling manager
because that's one thing me and you gotta come.
We're both wrestling fans.
You got it, you got it.
Yeah, plus it could be motivation.
Oh my God, he's Paul Barrel.
Paul Barrel.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
That could happen.
What's his name?
Paul Bearer.
Yeah.
Wrestling piece.
Oh yeah, you can come to the shoot where you do that,
put some white makeup on, you be his Paul Bearer.
You want me to do white face?
It's not white face, it's like powder, like you're dead.
You're the undead, don't you think?
Yeah, get your little suit.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah.
And you can do white face, who gives a fuck?
Nobody cares, white people don't really have that kind of.
Yeah, I don't care.
Yeah, see.
I tried to get JJ to do brown face for our swap.
I tried.
I tried, they wouldn't let me through the door.
It's not a very equitable place.
You gotta be careful with that one though.
Yeah, Pat, you're real good at following the rules.
I'm just standing and saying, mm-mm.
If I get canceled, I'll get canceled for something
that I feel strongly about, I guess.
What would you, what hill would you die on?
Like what would you get canceled for
that you would not go back on?
Well, I did the arcana thing,
I ain't going back on that motherfucker.
I don't know.
Yeah.
I don't know, it just gotta be an opportunity
to present myself to me.
Like everything that comes my way,
I always put a perspective on it, how I see it as.
Like with the, he brought up Bill Cosby thing.
At first I ain't, well, I still don't believe it per se.
I'm not saying that he didn't have sex with those women.
I'm just saying like, I don't know,
for a man to rape that many women back in those days.
It's kinda easy.
A black dude, racing a whole bunch of women?
White women at that?
But he transcended race cause he was Bill Cosby.
White people loved Bill Cosby.
I mean, loved him.
They loved Mike Tyson, but when he raped that black girl,
he sure didn't go to jail?
Mike Tyson been on more white podcasts
and TV shows after post-rape than,
I mean, it's like it didn't even happen.
Yeah, people who kinda.
And I don't like how comfortable people are around him.
He is a maniac.
I have a friend like this, he will hurt you.
He will hurt you if he snaps.
I don't, everybody's just like,
oh, let's fuck with Mike.
Let's slap him in the back of the head.
Don't be the one.
Who did that?
I'm just saying.
Those are the ones you gotta make happy though.
Those are the ones you gotta keep happy.
Like, they okay as long as they don't snap.
Whatever makes them happy, give it to them.
Yeah, but those people don't have like,
rational, like, what they're gonna snap about.
It could be about anything.
Then you just, bam.
Then you're getting choked out.
All my types of needs is some weed,
and some head every now and then, he's great.
You gonna provide him with both of those?
No.
I'm not Natasha Brackenby's friend,
so you ain't gotta worry about that.
What if he snaps?
While he's doing it?
Yeah, he's gonna whatever keep him happy.
So he's gonna snap. You're not doing it right.
Yeah.
What if you weren't doing it right and he snapped on you?
Hit you on the back of the head.
I won't be doing it.
I won't be doing it at all.
That's good.
That's good, man.
That's good.
So what else going on, Pat?
Oh man, trying to get my own podcast jumping myself, man.
Oh yeah?
I heard you and Ty.
Yeah, man.
Hopefully me and Ty get that started, man.
I been knowing Ty since I first started doing comedy.
How long ago was that?
It was like, what, going on three years now?
Three years?
Heck yeah.
Strong?
Strong.
Performing at Chattanooga?
Yeah, yeah.
Birmingham?
Yeah, New Orleans.
New Orleans?
Hell yeah.
We had a little fucked up shit, but it be cool.
You know, it was my fault.
I believe that.
Yeah, it was always my fault.
Whenever I have beef with somebody,
nine times out of ten, it's my fault.
I just said to him.
You take responsibility.
Yeah.
Oh man, I'm big on accountability.
I knew I'm a fucked up person.
I done did and said some fucked up shit in my life.
What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Yeah.
Huh?
What's the worst thing you've ever done to somebody else?
To somebody?
Hmm.
Motherfucked up thing.
Well, there wasn't one.
No, you're telling that story.
It'll get me locked up.
Shit, off camera.
Say it.
A few more years I could tell that story,
but not right now.
It's not your limitations.
And it was nothing non-sexual.
It was just, yeah.
Nothing non-sexual?
Nothing non-sexual.
Double-finger.
It was nothing non-sexual.
Non-sexual.
It was nothing sexual.
Damn, I'm gonna talk.
That's good.
I was thinking about this one thing.
I might be right there with Brandon.
Right there with Brandon?
What does that mean?
What's Brandon?
It means that you are a very gifted person.
You got gifts.
Oh my God, first challenged.
Yeah.
Now the gifts.
What is going on, Brandon?
That's what I'm saying.
You trying to say I'm special?
But that makes a great comedian.
That makes a great, oh.
Where one sense is diminished and another is heightened.
Yeah, I heard a comedian say one time
that to be a good comedian, you have to have a.
Yes.
Matter of fact, I think you told me that one time.
What?
That to be a comedian, you gotta have
some type of sentimental problem to go on stage
and make people laugh.
Yeah.
He said you had to.
He said that.
No, I mean, you gotta be a little crazy
just to get up on that stage and speak good.
Yeah.
It follows that you're crazy.
But the thing I love about it most
is when I freaking inspire people.
I got people in Birmingham.
Shout out to Aja Whedon.
Shout out.
She loves comedy.
She be wanting to try it,
but I don't think she tried it yet.
But she said I gave her hope that she can do it.
Hell yeah.
So she got that.
My cousin wanted to do comedy too.
Me and him grew up talking about comedy.
That was our whole thing.
Like even before I thought about being in the media.
I grew up on comedy too, so that shit was.
Yeah, me too.
So I always took my pain and made it to a joke.
That was always my thing.
Like that was a hobby to make it a joke.
Like, God damn, I don't think I should talk about this
until my dad might see this.
He might get sad.
But I don't care.
My mom passed away when I was 16.
And the fucked up part about it,
she died in the house.
She had a heart attack and she died like that.
And it was like to keep myself from crying,
I had to make a joke.
Like I had to tell so many fucking jokes
to make myself laugh.
Until I just said something else like,
damn, that's a fucked up joke.
But it's funny.
Yeah.
And I don't even remember the joke,
but I just know it was some funny joke.
Like laughter keeps me sane.
So that's one reason why I stayed doing comedy.
It was just something to do.
Hell yeah, I feel you on that.
JJ likes to say fucked up jokes.
What was your joke last night?
Am I roast on me?
Oh dude, talk about.
I love this joke.
I said Dom and I both look like
we would have shot Trayvon Martin.
But he would have done it for the bag of Skittles.
I thought it was funny,
but that line the black people did was.
Oh, they did not like it.
Oh, what are you guys talking about?
They loved it.
Well actually, I think they thought it was funny
because all you heard them say was, God damn.
True, true.
They respected it for sure.
Yeah, black people love dark comedy more than that.
You just gotta.
You gotta do it right.
Yeah, but you gotta say it with a strength.
You gotta say it like shit.
You can't be a bitch about it.
Yeah, like Jake.
Yeah, whispering shit into the mic.
I don't know why he does that.
Jake has a weak constitution.
Piece of shit, ain't that right Brandon?
That's a good man.
Like I did, I remember my first showcase I ever did.
I did it at the foundation over there by A&M.
My first joke was a pedophile joke.
And I said that shit was so much confidence
every black person that bitch died.
But was it?
Shit, it was something about Beyonce's straight.
And I was saying like, hell,
if I was the executive producer of Beyonce's straight,
I would have the person just tickle the kid's booty.
Oh shit.
Like I would basically tell him,
hey, look, you gotta let them know, man.
If you're gonna act an ass,
you're gonna have to give a little ass.
You're gonna have to present yourself.
What the fuck?
Bro, niggas ate that shit
and thought that shit was funny as hell.
I guarantee you the crime rate would go down in this country.
Hell yeah.
But that wasn't even the most fucked up joke
I told him that day.
The other one was even more funnier because,
like I said, my cousin loves comedy.
And one time we was having a conversation
and I just said, was he ready to be gay or a pedophile?
And he was like, shit, pass me a 16 year old.
Oh no.
I was like, wow.
And that was a true fucking.
Now that doesn't sound like a joke.
It was something leading up to that joke.
But when I got to that punch line,
laughter.
Never told a joke again personally,
but it was laughter.
I was drunk, so.
That does absolve you.
Brandon feels the same way.
Wait, same way about what?
Which part?
About 16 year olds?
No, I don't.
No, no.
Well, Brandon, you're number 18 yourself.
21.
Yeah, he can't be fucking with me.
21.
I used to be 18.
I thought I was 18.
A little bit.
Brandon has a fiance.
He's not doing anything.
He doesn't even watch porn no more.
You get married at 17.
And she's of age.
Yeah.
You get married at 17.
Older than me.
I mean, mm-hmm.
Wait, wait.
First of all, I'm still not 16.
Yeah, 17.
And also.
You get married at 16,
then you get parents permission.
Why do you know?
I did learn that in high school.
He's R. Kelly.
I learned that in middle school.
No, only reason I know is because I took a law class
in college and they gave us the fucking law of Alabama.
And I just read that shit.
And I just saw it.
I think it was a fucked up law, but.
Speaking of underage,
Brandon, didn't something happen to you with the dog?
You fucked a little dog?
I didn't fuck a dog.
I never fucked a dog in my life.
No, he didn't fuck the dog.
But I remember when I was a kid,
I did basically get raped by a dog.
It happens.
But thankfully all my clothes was on, man.
It was outside.
How did you lose fight?
Free to ask.
Well, because I was a kid.
I was like, what?
Okay, so let's see.
The year was 2011.
So let's see.
How old was I in 2011?
I was seven years.
No, eight years old.
No, no, I was seven.
I wasn't eight.
No, I was eight.
You know, a seven year old got a mean kick in him.
Yeah, but look, I was a kid that didn't believe in myself
and I was very small and this dog was very big.
Your mama.
We might need to investigate your mama.
Let me tell you, no, I was at my friend's house
and I got off my fear of dogs recently.
So when I saw this big dog come at me, I was like, oh shit.
Then it jumped on me and kept trying to like, you know,
get up in there and like pound it.
You know how dogs do when they grab something.
They pound it hard.
And then my friend like, get off my friend, right?
He hit with the stick and throw it off.
And it was a weird thing.
I ain't never had a dog try to grab me, but.
You never had a dog try to hump you?
You never had that?
I've had small dogs, big dogs, all types of dogs.
It's best up.
So this has happened more than once?
Yeah.
Well, yeah, my little dog, sometimes I try to stop them
from doing stuff, then they get on your leg
and just start doing that.
You just push them off, you know?
You don't let them finish.
Would you let a dog do that now?
No. A big dog?
A big dog?
What about like a cane corso?
Yeah.
How are you gonna control a cane corso?
You can't.
You know what I mean?
You just have to let it finish.
You gonna have to hope.
I'm not.
Well, it might break seal.
I don't want to.
If it breaks seal, we're in trouble.
We're gonna have to figure this out.
Yeah.
But I don't know, man.
Dude, you can get that off you, right?
Somebody gotta help, man.
I'll help you, Brandon.
You can't, dude.
If there's a dog raping a cane corso,
right, let's see what this thing look like.
You ever seen one, Brandon?
I don't know my dogs at all.
Look at this big ass dog.
You better, because then, dude.
Who had that dog?
You gonna have to help get it off.
I can take that dog.
Thanks.
Who had that dog?
Your friend had that dog?
I can definitely take that dog.
No, no, but not that dog.
I'll show you the dog that I'm talking about.
They use these things to kill lions, too.
Not that dog.
No, that's dog.
That dog trying to help you?
Yeah, that did.
Okay, well that makes sense.
Those are mean as hell.
Yeah, they are mean.
My uncle had two of them, bro.
And they were the meanest fucking thing ever.
I didn't know.
I thought you was trying to type in Chihuahua.
Nah.
I was like, who let a Chihuahua help you?
You just a bitch.
Yeah, man, but thankfully, it's like,
I wasn't there volunteering.
I was trying to get my way off.
This is the dog that did it to you, bro?
A chow?
I've never seen a chow.
We used to have one that was a stray,
and everybody knew, stay away from this motherfucker.
He got purple tongues, that's what I mean.
What's that mean, the purple tongue?
It just has a tongue that's purple.
Oh shit.
Look at it.
You see the picture with the purple tongue?
Yeah.
Yeah, our problem was like,
in my neighborhood, we had a pit bull,
we had a pit bull that always run at the gate,
and then my friend was like,
nah, that thing can't get off.
One day, it snapped and jumped over
and get somebody, and a car came at the same time,
so it's gone.
That's kinda awesome.
Yeah.
He baited the dog.
Right next to my house, right next to my house,
that could've been me and my dog, you know what I mean?
Just chilling.
Some people don't know how to control their dogs
in my neighborhood, man.
I hate that.
Horrible gates, one dude's trying to fight,
I'm trying to get my dog.
We might die tonight.
This dude can't control his dog.
I hate when people can't control their dogs or their kids.
Get the fuck out of here
and tell these little motherfuckers to sit the fuck down.
That's what I'm saying.
Or don't take it out.
Keep it in your house so they can eat your ass.
Tell them, Brandon.
Yeah, man.
You can't control it?
One day, it's gonna not,
hold on, let me rephrase that.
One day, you're not gonna be able to control it.
It's gonna control your ass.
You're gonna be in your house,
and you be like, hey, Sparky, I don't like that.
Sparky's gonna be like, I don't give a fuck.
Sit down and be quiet, bitch,
and they're gonna eat you or some shit,
and you're gonna be fucked up,
wondering what the fuck happened in your life.
Well, see, back in my day, when I was coming up,
it was okay to beat your kid's ass.
They got to me at loss.
You can't do that no more.
I was talking about dogs.
You can be the dog ass, too.
Oh, yeah, I mean, the dog's finna kill you,
but dude, if you can't control your dog,
how you gonna do that?
You kick the shit out that motherfucker.
But if you can't control it, and it's stronger, though.
And it's a doggy ass.
You shook that little motherfucker.
Yeah, but what if you don't believe in guns?
Some people be like, hey, man, I'm not gonna lie.
They're real.
How about saying like that?
If you don't have a leash,
if you don't have a leash, you probably not gonna,
you can't control it.
But if you say stuff like that, I look at them weird.
How you gonna not believe in something
that's just obviously there?
I had a homeboy in college.
He said he didn't believe in condoms.
I don't like.
I mean, I kinda feel him out.
Why?
I mean, condoms suck, let's be honest.
If they have any kids, they're not gonna kill like that.
I know two, because I'm the godfather
to two of them kids.
And I know they're his, but they look just like him.
Well, he just back out at the right time or something?
What's your duties as a godfather?
Shit, I don't know.
I don't know.
The best godfather for a child.
I don't think I was a real godfather.
I was just the only guy who didn't mind babysitting.
I would be a sick babysitter.
You can do whatever you want to do.
You really can.
Anything that you wanted to do.
Just don't bother me when I'm watching.
I feel you, that's a great way to go.
Wait, so Dom, you don't believe in condoms?
I mean, I know they're real.
No, like you don't.
They just suck to you.
So what do you do?
Do you just pull out in time?
Is that what you're supposed to do?
Yeah, you want to make sure they're on birth control.
That's what you're supposed to do.
And make sure they're on birth control and pull out.
Pulling out's fun anyway.
You get to bust over various parts of the body.
And you get it, and you do it at the right time.
As soon as you think.
And you can't, yeah, you can.
Now with the condom, you can,
cause you know, like I said, you go a little short
and then you can bust and then power through
and just keep on going.
You can't do that when you don't wear a condom though.
You gotta pull out, bust, and then work it back up.
There you go.
You don't have to wipe off though.
No, you bust in your hand and then you slap her in the face.
Yeah.
And then you just keep going.
If you can, yeah.
So, no, what I'm saying is that you don't,
because that, you're still gonna be able
to have a kid right after that, right?
No.
If it's there.
No.
So it's just in the moment.
You get it all out with the first one.
Yeah.
Okay, all right.
So no residue is gonna make that happen?
No.
Okay, all right.
It has to shoot.
Okay.
So it can travel and it can swim.
Okay.
To the egg.
Dude, that's great.
This is mind blowing, man.
Dude, I really thought that if it was like still on,
like if you had a little, like something left out,
that that could still make a kid,
like just one little tiny piece to make a child.
No, dude.
No, you need the whole thing.
Well, you need it to shoot, man.
You need it to get up in there.
Hell yeah.
Yeah.
So all of it needs to get shot up in there like that, right?
Not just a little speck.
I mean, you can shoot just one shot,
right before you, when you think you still got two more pumps,
you just got that one pump, you shoot.
That's why you got to pull out before that.
You know, maybe aim it and do your thing
so it comes out on time.
Okay.
And if you have sex in a hot tub,
the hot water kills the seam.
That's pretty dangerous right there.
No, it's not dangerous.
It's kind of dry.
It's not always cracked up to be in water.
Dude, but it is a birth control method.
Hot tubs.
Yep.
Hot tub.
You can even bust inside up there cause it's too hot.
The heat's too hot.
So you can just make your tub hot.
Yeah.
Okay.
No, no, like an actual hot tub.
No, not the bathtub.
Okay, I'm like, too.
Unless you got jets in there.
You just.
What was that?
What was that, dude?
I heard that.
I don't know what it was.
Yeah, too.
I don't know, that was like leap frog, man.
Brandon plays his educational games for 20 minutes
before he goes to bed at night.
Oh, man.
Good times.
Brandon, please wear a condom.
I'm dead.
Oh, hell yeah, man.
You could not have the kid right now, man.
Hell yeah, I know, I know.
You on birth control?
No, I couldn't be on it.
Right?
No.
You could.
So men take birth control.
Yeah, they got it.
Men take birth control for real, Jack?
Yeah.
That's crazy, I didn't know that.
You need to get to them, dude.
That's why we need to get you at healthcare.gov.
Yeah, but for the wrong reason, I think.
You can get an IUD.
What is that?
That sounds bad.
It's like a little thing they put in your arm.
They put it into your car.
What is that, like a shot?
No.
It's an implant.
That's an implant, yeah.
Implant.
That sounds risky, though.
No, no.
Hold on, I'm learning too.
It's just a little plastic rug.
Yeah, you just get an implant right here
on the inside of your bicep, right?
And then you just can't have kids for like three years.
Yeah, and when you get it, you have to be really annoying
and make everybody feel it.
Yeah.
But when you do have a kid, it's like fucked up.
Yeah.
Oh, then fuck that.
Well, it might be a little touch, you know, who cares?
Brandy, you're all right.
Aren't we all?
No.
Brandy, do you want kids?
Yeah, man, yes, I do.
How many?
How many do I want?
17?
I don't know, man, what?
When I'm old and gray and everything.
Well, no, I'm not saying at that time,
it'll be over in the process,
but by the time before I die, probably about four.
Four?
Four.
Four kids, man?
How many boys, how many girls,
and how many of them are trans?
Yes, I would raise them.
I would have to have money and stuff first,
but I would have, that's why we poor at any kind of thing.
Can't be a public.
Oh, dude, hell no, I'm not gonna be a public by then.
Hey Ty, if you get your stock options right, dude.
By then, yeah, by then probably, I don't know,
but two boys, two girls, I don't know.
You want two boys and two girls?
Why, man?
And how many of them are trans?
How many are trans?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Two or three.
I mean, if they, whoever wants to do it,
I'm a guess if that's what they wanna do.
Would you pay for them to get the surgery?
Would I pay?
Yeah.
I mean, sure.
I'm glad you asked him that question.
I am so glad you asked him that question.
How much?
What?
Ask him.
Yeah, ask him.
I'm glad you asked him that.
Well, I wanna know you, would you pay?
Hell no.
Okay, so you wouldn't pay?
Okay, that's one.
That's one, would.
No.
You know, man, I, how much is it?
It's a lot.
How much?
Thousands.
Thousands, no, man, I can't afford that.
How much is it?
I can't even, if I could, that's thousands of dollars, man.
You gotta get, thousand dollars.
I ain't gonna lie, like, I could deal,
I could deal with having a gay child,
maybe even a trans child.
I just can't have a stupid kid.
True.
Now, like, I'm talking about, like,
I'm talking about, cause stupid kids are very expensive.
You gotta have bail money for them,
you gotta keep money on your insurance plan.
You got, like, just too much money with dumb kids.
I actually know, cause I'm one of those dumb kids.
Yeah.
I know I cost my dad some money, God damn it,
but he owe me some money, but still.
But still.
Brandon liked that one.
At least, at least gay kids,
at least with a gay kid, they can still do their own thing,
get their own money, get about your life, but.
It's like, dumb kids, you stuck with them motherfuckers.
Right?
Exactly.
Cause they have the age old question,
gay son or a whore daughter?
That's a crazy question.
Easy, gay son.
I don't think I could, I couldn't,
I would cry if, like, my daughter was the only,
I would break down, I would have mental breakdowns.
I wouldn't want my daughter to be a whore,
but she's gonna be a whore, at least she'd be paying for it.
I would cry.
No. God damn.
That's not the mentality, dude.
It's not the mentality, like, I don't, like,
I don't wanna have a whore daughter, but.
You can do it.
I can't stop my daughter from being a whore.
So if you're gonna be a whore,
at least, at least get some money out of it.
Cause if you're gonna be a whore, I ain't paying for shit.
T.I. stopped his daughter.
Yeah? T.I.
T.I. stopped his daughter from being a whore.
Yeah, but.
He was checking the harness.
Yeah, that's weird, though.
I don't like that.
That's insane that he can say that.
It should be an honor system.
Yeah, it's insane.
I thought that wasn't a real daughter, though.
It doesn't matter.
That makes it weird.
Yeah.
He's making sure something.
Wait, how old was the dog?
How old was the dog?
Probably like 18.
18.
I hope so.
I hope so, too.
Checking the six-year-old Heimer,
it is a little weird.
I don't think he was checking on it.
That is weird.
Yeah.
I think he was talking to the daughter about Heimer,
but I don't think that's weird, though.
If you're the father,
and you're providing for your daughter,
yeah, check him.
Brandon, how. What?
What?
No. The fuck are you talking about?
I'm sorry.
You want us to take this out?
Let's go back in time and see.
I know somebody in the Huntsville comedy scene
that would agree with this.
If you're paying for your daughter's college.
That's not.
I'm not even talking like that.
I'm just saying, if you are,
I'm talking about if you're supporting your daughter,
if you're fully supporting your daughter,
you're responsible for her,
because back in the day,
and I'm not trying to sound like that guy,
but it's like back in those days,
women didn't move out the house until they got married,
because that's the whole premise of the father
giving the bride away.
Like, hey, I'll give you my daughter.
She's your responsibility now.
So it's like, I wouldn't want my daughter
to be out here getting pregnant,
and she ain't nobody's wife.
Like, think about it though.
Think about it.
The girls we know, if you had a friend who was a woman
and she had kids, different fathers,
but you'd be like, that's just her.
But if it was your daughter, you'd feel the type of way.
I mean, that shit just happens,
but in no situation is it okay to check your daughter's vibe.
But I don't think T.I. is checking on how I'm gonna help
yourself, I think that goes against protocol.
I'm pretty sure.
That is a HIPAA vibe.
Because as a doctor, that's client, doctor privilege shit,
but I'm pretty sure he's talking to the daughter,
he's talking to the doctor like,
hey, I want to know, doctor, so and so,
what's going on with my daughter, how it been?
I need to know what's going on with my daughter.
I need to make sure there ain't no keys popping out.
I think that's a crazy invasion of privacy.
Because there's still kids,
but there's still human beings.
Could you imagine they're checking your balls?
I don't know how you do it for guys, but huh?
That's what they did on the Mendez, bro.
You remember the mother would check the balls?
No, I thought she about to say what they did to you.
Not me, no.
They checked my balls.
I'm gonna say, like I said, that's why I say,
if you really want to be free from your parents like that,
you just gotta get your own shit.
Yeah, they should have just left.
Like, I made a joke on Facebook,
because I was watching an episode of Family Matters
on Facebook, and they showed Eddie Winslow
getting mad at his mom and running up the stairs.
And he was like, treat me like a man.
I was like, how you gonna say that's about treat you
like a man, you run up the stairs of her own goddamn house.
Like, if you want to be treated like a man,
if you want to have that, like I said,
I'm not trying to sound insensitive or nothing,
but if the parent is supporting the child fully,
it might be some rules that come with it.
But I don't think TI is just checking the hymen himself,
like looking at it.
I don't know, this is all allegedly too.
I'm not confident on what I see on the internet,
what the source was, I've seen it all.
It was like three, four years ago here.
It was like rap TV or something like that.
I think it would be weirder to get someone else
to check it for you.
Everything about it is weird.
There's not one piece about it that's not fucking weird.
I think having a daughter is weird.
Yeah, I agree.
What?
So why is that weird?
Like, it's not weird as weird, it's just,
I picture myself being a father,
and in every version of myself being a father,
I only see a son.
Not saying I only want a son,
but I don't think I would be able to handle
having a daughter.
Well then they'll just be trans, it'll be cool.
Yeah.
You'll get your boy in like 10 years.
I mean, I'm blessed whatever I get.
And no shape or form, I'm going that far
checking my daughter's hymen.
I'm gonna do that to your mama, that's your mama job.
The wife should check, that's the issue.
I agree.
Be real, be real.
If the story came out that Tiny was checking the hymen,
would it be weirder?
Yes, it's still fucking the same amount of weird.
It's not weird.
I don't think so.
Brandon, what do you say?
I think this is kind of crazy.
Yeah, it's insane.
This is all crazy, man.
Like, check, what are we checking this stuff for?
Because like.
Make sure she's not having sexual intercourse, Brandon.
That's exactly what they did on that show.
No, make sure her thing ain't being abused.
They would check their dicks and be like,
let's make sure.
I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
I don't wanna talk about this.
This is bad.
I'm out of this shit.
I'm backing out.
I'm out, bro.
I'm just talking about the movies.
The movies, the Mendez.
Be real, how old were you when you first fought?
14.
You a legend, how old were you?
16.
You're a legend.
You're cool, how old were you?
19.
Oh man, I was 18, but that's okay.
Brandon, how old were you?
How old when I did what?
How old were you when you had sex consensually?
Still hasn't.
No, no, 18.
That was good, 18.
That was good.
So at some point.
He said consensually.
At some point, you fucking somebody's daughter.
So at some point, the children gonna experience sexually.
You just wanna make sure that.
What?
You just wanna make sure they ain't taking.
Oh man, I don't.
At some point, the children gonna experience sexually.
You know, it's sexual.
What?
Who's experiencing who sexually?
The kid, they're experiencing each other.
The children, they're doing their thing.
Yeah.
No man, no checking nothing.
You just said your first nut was 14.
Yeah, but I was in high school.
I wasn't like a kid.
Yeah, you was in high school.
I was a teenager.
But in a parent mind,
they don't want their child fucking in high school.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So at some point, when you have a high school daughter,
she's nine times out of 10 is gonna experience sexually.
Let me tell you something.
My daughter would be a saint
and she wouldn't have sexual marriage.
That's not true.
In your mind.
That's not true.
She would not grow up with a church.
Do I sound weird right now?
A little bit.
Okay, I don't wanna get you into this.
I'm just saying at some point,
you know, kids gonna fuck.
Sounding weird.
Like when I was in middle school,
they gave us a mandatory
because three girls in my middle school class got pregnant.
So at some point, it's gonna happen.
They gonna fuck.
Your job as a parent is to make sure
that they're doing it responsibly.
That makes a lot more sense.
It's like my homeboy.
My homeboy was smoking weed at 13.
Really younger than that.
But his mom was like,
shit, if you gonna smoke weed,
smoke weed with me.
I already smoked with me to go out there
and get hooked on some shit
that'll fuck your brain up or some shit like that.
Smoke with mama.
Mama ain't gonna lace you.
So I understand it from that aspect.
But you shouldn't have sex with your mom.
No.
That would be weird.
Never.
That's not good.
I'm gonna throw up.
That's different.
That's bad.
So as me as a parent.
Oh, this has been terrible.
As me as a parent,
I don't want my child,
my daughter or my son to be fucking at a young age.
But what the way social media is,
the way shit going on like that.
You never know when your kids gonna be fucking.
But you wanna make sure they're doing it responsibly.
Use a condom.
They should, you know what I'm saying?
Show them love at home.
And they won't have to search for it somewhere else.
I'm just giving support in my house.
That's it.
What they do.
But people are gonna have sex.
That don't mean shit.
Yeah, but it's still just like everybody.
Does your mama love you at home?
Yeah.
But your dick still got hard, didn't it?
What?
For the girl you fuck.
Okay, make sure you.
For the girl you fuck.
This is wild.
Yeah, come on.
But what?
It started off very extremely rough.
Yeah.
But Pat got to a good point at the end.
People are gonna fuck, bro.
Yeah.
Teach them to do it responsibly.
Yeah, that's what sex ed is for.
I feel like that's the new age,
the way the world.
People are so focused on trying to do shit
from back in the day
when back in the day it don't work no more
because back in the day they didn't have social media.
This day we have social media.
These days every little girl's favorite rapper
is half naked.
Like I watch wrestling.
I'm a big wrestling fan.
You can agree with this shit.
On wrestling these days,
all the female wrestlers got asses.
They do.
They're entertaining children.
They got fat juicy asses wrestling on TV.
But even back in our day.
That is weird.
And back in our day it was worse.
They had brawnpanties, matches.
Yeah, like it was weird.
Kitties out all the time.
But it was over sexualized.
So at some point a young kid gonna be like,
damn I wanna be.
Let's be honest.
Most wrestling fans are either mentally challenged or kids.
Or just horny motherfuckers.
Which you're taking advantage of those of those groups.
So which one of you is?
Like you know what I'm saying?
When I was coming up Trish Stratus
was the hottest white lady I like.
Yeah.
I mean it just wouldn't work.
That's more Stacey Keebler.
And not to mention they had them on Playboy.
So it's like, god damn.
You can't even stop what's gonna come.
Yeah.
You can't stop a little boy from coming.
Oh my, come on man.
I don't know if we can release this episode.
Yeah that one was rough.
Jesus Christ.
What is happening?
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
You know what's fucked up though man?
Alex has never kneeled for anything.
I told you when you bring me on this motherfucker
and you're licking me up.
I've been drinking all weekend.
I'm just me.
He's just being me.
I'm just being me.
You know what's fucked up?
You can't stop him.
And I'm hot.
So.
Yeah I feel it.
I remember when I was a kid that,
we did have that problem too though.
I do, we had somebody that was 12 years old in class
that had a whole kid.
It was weird.
The kid would bring it to class and stuff.
The teachers would be all acting like it was normal.
It was weird.
Yeah.
I learned all this shit from watching TV.
You'll be surprised if the fuck I watch
I'll be getting a deep mental thought.
Like.
Like it was an episode of Good Times when,
you remember when Lona had adopted Jenny Jass on the show?
Yeah.
And it was an episode her friend got pregnant
and when Lona was trying to say,
she got stomach mumps.
And I'm like, this ain't no bitch.
Like just tell the girls the truth.
Little girl got freaky, got pregnant.
No.
It happened.
All right.
So that's the end of the episode.
That's it.
Yeah.
I have some more questions.
Go ahead.
So, what would you guys do?
Let's say you have a son.
He's like seventh eighth grade.
Okay.
12th, 13th.
And then you get a bill on your like credit card
or your debit card or whatever.
And it's only fans charge, but you know it wasn't you.
Yeah.
It has to be him.
That he bought OnlyFans?
Yeah.
He bought OnlyFans.
He subscribed somebody on OnlyFans.
What would you do?
Would you talk to him about it?
Yeah, I would talk to him.
I'd say, son, look here.
You're gonna have to pay me back.
No, you have to pay for this.
All right.
There's a million porns out there for free.
Economically, it doesn't make any sense.
But by that time porn will be banned, dude.
No.
If porn's banned, so is OnlyFans.
Then I'll be like the mom.
I'll be like, just watch Porn with Dad.
Like.
This.
What?
This isn't getting better from the corner of the room.
This has to be K.
This vibe, you can't do something.
Brandon, what would you do?
Okay, so what I'd do is I'd be like,
hey man, we gotta have a talk.
Let me take this shit up.
Okay, so this is who?
Oh my God.
Okay, now see, it's not bad taste, but look here.
Look here, man.
I like that.
Good taste.
Yeah.
But dude, what are you doing?
No, don't buy this shit.
And why is it open?
Why am I seeing the history?
Why am I getting the trace?
This is bad shit.
This is bad.
This is not being sneaky enough, right?
This is bad.
Now here, look here, man.
I got nothing to do with this shit.
I don't think you should do it.
Until you're older, man.
But one day when you get some sense,
and know how to do some shit,
you go get a phone from the dollar store or some shit, man.
Put in incognito.
Cause I don't wanna see this shit again.
This is bad.
Don't do this.
And I'm canceling the subscription, man.
You figure it out.
If you wanna get your own money, I don't know.
Go to the dollar store and get a little gift card.
But don't take my money, man.
Find a way to earn it.
And don't ever tell me too.
Well, first I would be there
cause you used my card without my permission.
That's actually the right answer.
I don't know.
I would feel that way.
Like you said, porn is free.
Why the fuck is free?
Why am I paying?
I don't get that.
Unless it's a specific female that you know of
that you wanna see naked,
then I understand it like 10%.
But the rest of them be your ass.
Don't pay.
But then it's gonna be under their dad's name.
So she's gonna think that
his dad is watching her shit.
Oh my God.
Now there's a problem with you.
Mr. Grimes, Mr. Grimes, watch me on OnlyFans.
No, the fuck I don't, bitch.
You watched a couple clips.
No, I never did.
No, I'm not.
I'm like you.
Why would you pay for it?
Why pay for it when you can watch it for free?
I'm not paying for OnlyFans.
Would you use your ID if they asked now?
Cause I know I heard a lot of things nowadays
require ID.
You heard?
Yeah, that's why I heard.
It's word on the street, dude.
So would you, if they're like we need an ID
and your birthday and stuff,
would you put all that in there?
Depends on the kink.
Oh no, I was talking about the whole site in general.
Oh, to my OnlyFans?
Yeah, no, not OnlyFans.
I was talking about the common porn sites.
Porn Hub, you gotta put your ID in now
to confirm you're 18 in Alabama.
Yeah, I probably would.
I mean, I'm not a big porn prescriber.
If I wanna watch porn,
I watch something quick and easy.
Like once I bust, I'm done.
Porn is boring.
I don't need to know your name.
I don't need to know where you're from, how you're doing,
what you feel about that.
Just fuck and get it over with.
I only need to see a skipper.
We was talking about this last night.
Do you skip around?
Cause I'm a skipper.
I only wanna see like,
when I say 30 seconds of getting ahead
and then I wanna jump to the first position
and then I jump to each position until I find the best one.
It's usually big tits bending over from the back
because you can see them from the side.
You get that side and then a boot from the back
and they flop around or missionary
because they go on like the little twirls.
I only like the first part where they're like acting.
That's my favorite part.
Then after that, it just gets too dirty for me.
I don't like all that nonsense.
Do you have kink shame?
What's a kink shame?
I don't know.
You saying, do I kink shame?
I will if you do it out in public.
Yeah.
I don't wanna see your kink in social areas.
Do that shit.
People just have it out loud.
Now this is my kink.
It's called a kink for a reason.
You do that shit in fucking private.
If you have like the tail coming out from the skirt
where it's obviously you have a butt plug in your ass.
No, depends on who's wearing it.
No, it's wrong.
It does depend on who's wearing it though.
If they have like a skirt.
What's it do?
That's cool.
That's good.
Then he likes it.
That's good.
That's what they wanna do.
I bet it would stop the leakage.
Anti-leakage.
If it stops leakage,
not fucking with it, but they can fuck with it.
Yeah.
But we really do have to go.
Yes we do.
So Pat, if you got anything you wanna promote,
any shows, just be out in a week,
social media and everything.
December 14th, I will be at Speak Easy for Homegrown.
Come check me out for that.
October 31st, I will be in Nashville.
I don't know the venue, but it's in Nashville
on Gallatin Ave.
My first time going out there doing the show.
So if you're in the area, come support me.
And any point of this podcast, am I really a creep?
It's just shit that goes in my brain.
So don't take it too seriously.
Take like 50% of it seriously.
The rest of it's just some fuck shit.
That's all I got.
It's always good when you gotta give a disclaimer
at the end of the episode.
Thank you, Pat.
All right, thanks.
Appreciate you, man.
All right.
I'll see you next time.
I fucking hate Scrappy Dude.