This week on Clown College.
So here we are on ice. We have our sample.
And it's so funny because she came to a rehearsal at Shenanigans and we did the pass off at that point.
Look, I even brought you little shot glasses.
Oh my god!
This is crazy. This is like somebody's kidney.
Anybody get a certification to even carry this?
She has like the organ donor transplant back.
Now this is, look it's the born on date. It was bottled on 10-1.
And as soon as she did it, she froze it and handed it to me frozen so it's been in the freezer at Shenanigans until today.
Why am I terrified? Why am I so scared?
But we have two ounces of mother's milk.
I was at a restaurant with somebody right before I got here and they were like, dude you just do the weirdest shit.
And I was like, nah, not really.
And immediately it's like we're drinking milk.
Who is sampling?
Let's all go to college baby.
It's with Brandon Willis, Don and JJ.
Can you pick up a pen?
You got monkey toes?
If you can't do that, you have diabetes. You don't have blood flow. That's a very normal thing.
You can't feel your toes if you can't do that.
That's a very normal thing.
Can you spread your pinky toe out?
You should take off your foot.
Take off your foot?
You should take off your sock.
Take off your whole foot.
I want to see that.
I think if I was barefoot I could get the hand.
What if you ball up in a fist and do something like that?
My foot?
Yeah, man.
Like go back to your own.
Like you curl it up.
You mean curl a whole foot?
Halfway or something.
Like a crescent moon.
Something nice.
I don't know who could do that.
Something nice.
Is that what you're into?
I can't have nothing nice.
My foot?
Foot's cool.
Not like your seat.
What?
What you know about my feet?
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're wearing my bed.
So you don't know if you like our feet?
I probably wouldn't know.
But you don't know?
I don't know.
I guess I do.
I haven't seen your foot out right now.
Brandon did say he liked how my feet smell.
Yeah, that's what he did.
It's kind of a live argument.
He said he liked the way my foot smelled.
And I do.
And he came up to me after.
I do.
And he came up to me after.
He's like, how do you do that?
Are you serious?
I'm dead ass serious.
What does it smell like?
It smells like Febreze.
It smells good.
Damn.
You know me, bro.
Farrah Monon's on point.
Why did you pick mine to smell?
Who does your laundry?
I don't know, man.
I don't know.
I just...
Wait, didn't it...
It was the wheel.
It picked JJ, right?
Yeah.
Okay, that's why.
Yeah, you're not going to smell this guy.
No, but you got the picture.
You're not going to smell the feet of somebody.
I always spun the wheel.
And the wheel decided.
And if you pick Dom, you're just a sadist.
This dude has a toe knife.
Nobody has that.
Dude, when you pop that and that little pus and blood comes out the side.
Oh my God.
Dude, it smells...
Like ketchup and mayonnaise.
Yeah, exactly.
And what they call a fancy sauce.
That's what comes out of the side of my foot.
Isn't that Russian dressing?
Mayonnaise and ketchup is Russian dressing.
It's good, too.
Matchup.
That's what Heinz does.
They just call ketchup and ranch like crunch.
Yeah, yeah.
Put it in a bottle.
It's like, I never want to be in this country again.
Be that too far.
Loretta, we got somebody here, don't we?
Yes, we do.
Who we got?
This person is amazing.
Runs the Shenanigans Comedy Theater.
Does it all.
Been in this comedy scene for a minute, killing it.
Even did the Stardome, too.
I saw that.
It was good.
Give it up for the one, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the
only, the powerful, Kimberly Wilson.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
He was extending it out because he could not remember your name.
That's not true.
Thank you, Brandon.
Thank you.
It was a very kind introduction.
How you doing, Kel?
I'm good.
How are you all?
Hell yeah, great.
Always good with your hair.
So you've only been good two times.
This is the second time you've ever been good.
I'm glad I could bring it back.
I'm not eating anything.
No, I'm not.
Fuck you.
I'm not eating anything.
No, I'm not fucking eating anything.
Whatever you have something for, come on.
It was like, I'm not eating anything.
He was like, I refuse.
My line in the sand, gargoyling, not eating weird shit.
That's where I'm at.
That's where he's at.
Well, I mean, it took him a few passes and fails to get to that point, but I can respect
it.
I tried.
That's the worst thing in my life.
I don't want to be too overdramatic, but I do think I should be able to park in the
Purple Heart spot at some point.
I do think that.
Just because you puked a little bit, now you need a Purple Heart.
Blasphemy.
Emotional damage.
Not to mention the damage at Shenanigans bathroom.
Oh, damn it.
That trash can.
Throw that out.
That is a combination of Four Loco, Milk, Pig's Foot, Hot Sock.
He threw up in the trash can?
He threw up wherever he could.
He threw up everywhere.
Once he got to that bathroom.
Dude, yeah, it was bad.
You better sponsor that trash can.
Yeah, yeah, you got to do that.
The Three Mile Island trash can.
The Explosive JJ is what we'll call it.
Dude, I was explosive in there, too.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
I didn't even know that.
This is the worst pain.
I was set on fire.
I didn't even eat nothing hot.
I was about to say that wasn't even a show where you were forced to consume anything.
Exactly.
I don't know what happened.
Just having to spell makes him upset.
Yeah, baby.
I learned what Cunnilingus was.
It was terrible.
I didn't eat nothing hot.
It was weird.
Well, at what point did you go in there?
Well, I was trying to hold off, but then it was probably like 15, 10 minutes before it
started.
Before it started?
Yeah, I was like, I've got to do this.
I just went in there and looked at Patrick.
I was like, bro.
Y'all were in the bathroom again?
That's what I said.
No, when I walked out the bathroom,
I just told him everything,
because it was so bad.
I just gotta say, you said.
I was like, I don't know what I ate.
You said, I went in there and I looked at Patrick,
and I said, anyway, okay, I understand.
In English, we call those misplaced modifiers.
It's all right.
And he told me he was going in there,
so I was like, all right.
Oh man.
He went in right after you.
Yeah, he was like, I'm gonna do the same thing.
You guys have done that twice now.
Well, at least more of the, at the,
not pleasures, but the other one.
Enchantcies.
Oh yeah.
They drop deuce and enchantcies.
Which is a-
A sex shop.
Huh?
With one small bathroom that they have a key to.
Oh, I changed my mind at the last second.
He went in there.
We, you remember-
But you went in after him, and you said it smells.
I went to smell it.
I went in there because everybody was saying it's bad.
Yes, he said that.
I went in there to smell it?
Yes.
Let me explain.
You purposely went in there.
There's a reason though,
because everybody was like, damn, I wonder how bad it is.
I was like, I'm gonna tell you right now.
Brandon, darling, look.
It was bad.
Here's the thing.
You know, that's just like if somebody goes,
God, this is awful, taste it.
Why are you gonna taste it?
I wouldn't.
It's the same concept.
Just sniff, sniff, because sniff,
you can't get her to sniff a nice shit.
No.
If somebody goes, that's disgusting, smell this,
I'm not smelling that.
Yeah.
That's okay, we're just wired differently.
It's fine.
Could have been fentanyl for all I know.
It does, man.
Fentanyl coming out of Pat's ass.
He shat fentanyl.
Never does.
You got fentanyl?
It's in the air.
So are you and Pat like, you know, bathroom buddies now?
We could be.
I mean, if he's willing to.
If he's willing to, we can make a pact.
JJ.
Because that was.
Does he hold up your pants
and keep them from hitting the floor?
No.
He holds his hair back while he shits.
Maybe he's standing at the door or something.
I don't know.
Dude, you.
I don't know.
Why?
Call y'all bathroom bros.
I don't know.
That's a good question.
You and Pat have like a pirate-parrot relationship
where you just sit on his shoulders
while he's taking a shit.
Wow.
And you reach down and wipe for him.
Yeah, you knew.
Oh, now it's weird.
It's not the fact that if he's down,
I'm not, oh, never wipe another man's ass.
I draw the line at smelling his shit at the sex shop.
I will not go further.
I respect that.
I like somebody with principles and boundaries.
Thank you.
They don't have to.
Oh, my God.
All right.
You said you had a surprise for me.
You wanna get into it now already?
Should we wait?
That's up to y'all.
The anticipation is killing.
Yeah.
Is that right?
I'm excited.
All right, so here's the thing.
You know I'm an avid fan.
I listen to every podcast, whether JJ likes it or not.
I'm a fan.
And not too long ago,
I wanna say it was two or three episodes ago,
you guys were talking about some comic consuming breast milk
so that he could have sex with this girl.
Should we buy a bottle of breast milk for the podcast?
I, not, see, too much can go wrong there.
Oh, my God.
And guess what?
I know a lactating mother.
I know I said I wasn't eating anything.
But now I'm in.
Hell yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
I need to see that.
Oh, my God.
So here's what we're gonna do.
In this envelope,
in this envelope is a picture of this person, okay?
Because I figured you'd at least wanna know
where it came from, right?
Now this is not to be shown on air,
how to respect for the person,
but I figured you guys should at least be, you know,
made aware of this source.
It's fucking Jake.
If it is, then he's a millionaire.
Jake is a lactating mother.
Now this is a member,
and she said I could reveal this much to the general public.
It's a member of the Huntsville comedy community at large.
Gotcha.
Okay.
And the best thing was her response,
because she came in the shenanigans,
and I was like, hey, I got a real weird request.
That's a wild kill.
And she said, what is it?
And so I said, you know the clown college guys, right?
And when I went on to explain it,
and her response was, oh, hell yeah.
I'll give you that.
So this is where it came from.
Just don't, yeah.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah, that's gonna be tight.
Brandon, I'm gonna stay out of it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was about to say, just cover that up.
I don't know how to show Brandon.
So turn it the other way so the camera like.
Alex, I'll let you handle all this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so.
So here we, on ice, we have our sample.
And it's so funny because she came to a rehearsal
at Shenanigans and we did the pass off at that point.
Look, I even brought you little shot glasses.
Brandon.
Oh my God.
I said, is that how he's doing?
This is crazy.
This is like somebody's kidney.
Yeah.
I didn't get a certification to even carry him.
She has like the organ donor transplant back.
That's right, man.
Now this is, look, it's the born on date.
It was bottled on 10-1.
And as soon as she did it, she froze it
and handed it to me frozen, so it's been in the freezer
at Shenanigans until today.
Why am I terrified?
Why am I so scared?
But we have two ounces of mother's milk.
Oh my, I'm about to cry.
This is crazy.
I was at a restaurant with somebody right before I got here
and they were like, dude, you just do the weirdest shit.
And I was like, nah, not really.
And immediately it's like we're drinking milk.
Who is sampling?
Well, we all have to.
We got the three majors or the two.
You two?
You all sampling?
I think they're like, oh, no.
All right.
Alex is down too.
All right, are we gonna do cheers?
Jack and Alex are down.
I want everybody to.
Everybody in the room.
Dude, I'm so scared.
Funny.
I'm excited.
I'm scared.
I don't know what that says about you.
But.
I've been hurting recently.
Yeah, right?
This could be the magic elixir.
Man, I really hope I don't throw up again.
What if we develop.
Oh my gosh.
This might unlock a new kink is the only thing
I'm afraid of.
What if we develop a kink?
Look, JJ Ray does nervous.
I don't know why I'm so scared, dude.
This is crazy.
All right.
This is crazy.
Pass them out.
Oh, it's so much information to process.
Now you tell me what other fan would come through
for you like this.
Okay, I really don't like that.
It doesn't smell like anything.
I want a chaser.
Chaser?
It smells like a baby's head.
Which would make sense, right?
That would make sense.
It actually does.
Doesn't it?
It does smell like baby's head.
You guys never had brothers.
You all are fucking ruining my day.
Alex, can you get on the camera over there?
Like stick him next to Brad?
That's my man, get a whiff with me, man.
Come on, man.
You gotta take some whiffs with B Smooth over there.
Cause we can see Jack.
Yeah, everybody.
I'm scared, dude.
We all got tears too, I guess.
Yeah, of course.
Oh my God.
Now don't just shoot it.
You wanna know what it tastes like, right?
No, you're right.
I guess we got to.
Do we gotta switch it around in our mouths?
No, no, no, no, no.
But the whole point when you guys were having
the conversation was wondering what it tastes like.
So if you're just gonna shoot it,
you're not gonna even taste it.
I'll taste it, bro, but I'm gonna have that thing ready.
Oh my God, why am I so scared?
Are we all going at the same time?
Or are we going one by one?
What do you think?
Oh, the slower it is.
Yeah.
It's skating, but it might be even worse.
Okay, okay, so you go first.
What?
I'm gonna take turns?
Yeah.
We should shoot it.
Okay, let's do it.
All at once, so we're gonna cheers.
Zimmy Zocky, Zimmy Zocky, hoi, hoi, hoi.
Yeah.
Breast milk.
I'm glad it's cold, thank God.
Not bad at all.
Actually, that's pretty good.
I put this in my cereal.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
I think it tastes better in cereal than regular milk.
Probably.
Okay, okay.
I'm about to cry.
Are you serious?
This was a powerful experience.
What do you think?
It is fine.
What do you think, Alex?
Yeah, it's more of the idea.
That was the only thing that I did.
I'm about to take another drink.
The taste is...
You know what, it's fine.
I'm not gonna lie.
It tastes like cinnamon toast crunch milk.
That's a compliment.
I don't, it doesn't taste like anything to me.
Just tasted cold.
Yeah.
At the front, there's nothing,
and there's a little bit of sweetness.
Little sweetness, right?
Yeah.
Now here's the part where Kim tells us it's donkey semen.
And we all look weird.
You know?
No.
That's cool too, we're trying to lose him.
It was a little jit.
Now I mean, if you want some donkey semen,
I'd probably know a guy.
Eric definitely knows a guy.
He says, I have to bridge get him.
Eric.
I saw Eric a Friday night at the karaoke spot in 805.
Oh yeah.
Hell yeah.
He goes there pretty freaking...
Eric said, you out here chasing pussy.
That's a decent impression.
My favorite thing was when Eric said to Alex,
he said, there's a bobcat on your van out there.
And Alex went out there to check, and he came back.
And he's like, man, I didn't see.
He's like, must have ran away.
And then he came up to me and he was like,
I told Alex there was a bobcat on his van.
Go check out Eric encounters.
On Studio...
Oh, I got one more, hell yeah.
On Studio Jester, YouTube,
and they have, Are We Cancelled Yet?
Which we all have been on.
Am I Cancelled?
Am I Cancelled Yet?
That we all have been on.
And yeah, Brandon, I saw yours.
Yeah, oh, so you got to see me.
Huh, no.
Yeah.
Oh.
You're dead to me.
What?
You're dead to me.
How dare you?
Did you watch Brandon's?
Brandon's Are You Cancelled Yet?
Oh, I didn't.
Yeah.
They asked the question, JJ, and they said,
it was truth or dare.
He didn't even have to answer this question.
But he said, who's funnier?
JJ or Dom?
And it would have been all right if he'd have been like,
you know, they're both funny,
but I think JJ's a little bit funnier.
He did start off that way.
Don't you let me tell this story.
I'm hurt.
The watch episode.
It was so hard.
He said, oh, I don't want to answer.
She was like, you don't have to.
And he was like, yeah, but JJ's just always right.
He's funnier.
And he was like, he writes good.
He was like, Dom writes good, but you know what?
JJ's just funnier.
This proves that Brandon is a Trump supporter.
He was like, well, to be fair,
the only reason he said that is because he knows like,
I would send his information to some groups out there.
Yeah, man.
So did any of you guys watch the Sierra Moses episode?
I just, I think I'm 30 minutes into it right now.
Okay.
What was that?
There is a, her truth or dare question was,
who is the hottest comic in Alabama?
Oh, was it one of us?
She said that we were.
Was that the last in the end?
It had to be.
Yeah, truth or dare is.
Truth or dare is the next to the last segment.
Her boyfriend looks most like JJ.
He's Filipino.
He should look like Jack.
Oh, Jack, are you the hottest comic down in Alabama?
I mean, I like that.
I should make you guys watch it, but she answered JJ.
I knew it.
Told you.
You say, you know me, man.
Girls are into me because they think I like boys.
So they're like, yeah, you'll never pursue that.
She did go on to say though,
that Maddie's even hotter than you are.
So much respect to you, girl.
Fair, fair.
I don't think her brother would agree with that statement.
I hope not.
I mean, we're in Alabama, but damn.
What was that?
Brandon, what'd you do this weekend?
Oh man, I went to Gatlinburg for the first time.
Damn, dude.
What'd you get up to?
With my family, huh?
What'd you get up to out there, man?
Oh man, I went to Ripley's Believe It or Not.
I went to a crime museum where I got,
it looked like I got arrested.
Even took a mug shot for my first time.
Yep, yep.
Then I went on a Ferris wheel.
I was scared of that.
I went to.
That is a scary one.
Yeah, but I like the first step to that skydiving stuff.
I don't know, not guaranteed.
Then after that, I went to Bubba Gump's,
ate some Bubba Gump's shrimp.
Okay.
They have one in Gatlinburg?
Yeah, oh yeah.
I hate that restaurant.
Really?
And then they kept saying, Bear, so they're like,
we want you to see a bear.
Or my girl's like, you know what?
What?
We should see a bear.
I'm like, oh, that's okay.
And then she just drove, so she went past Gatlinburg,
kept going in the mountains.
And then it's like, I started breathing hard
because I've never been to woods.
She kept getting dark.
I'm just like.
This sounds like the start of a bad horror movie.
Yeah.
You go, all right, you want to turn around?
I'm like, nah man, just keep driving.
You gotta do this, you gotta do this.
Now I look at the thing.
It said 50 minutes.
I'm like, bro, the cabin's only like 10 minutes away.
Why are you going 50?
It's about to be dark.
It's like seven o'clock.
About to be near eight o'clock.
And I'm just nervous.
And then she goes, keep going.
And it's getting darker.
And then there's two cars and a bear popped up.
And me, I was texting my mom at the time.
I was like, yo, check my location.
Shit go down.
Because I can't handle it.
And I'm scared.
And then she's like, I could just turn around.
I'm like, no, just keep going.
You want to keep going, keep going.
It's okay.
And then my mom's like, man, see, I told you.
You've grown and old and shit.
You want to do all this white shit?
Go for it.
Do it.
So then we keep going.
And it's getting darker.
And then she keeps going.
Man, dude, it was so bad.
The trees even started making it dark.
And we went like, it was almost,
we were at the 10 minute mark.
And then she starts me like, wait, I'm supposed to turn.
Oh, I can't, I got to turn around now.
So then we got to go another 40 minutes.
And then the signal turned off, man.
I'm just breathing even more.
I'm like.
Were you sweating?
Yes.
I was like.
You're sweating right now.
I was like, man, I knew we shouldn't have done this shit.
Man, now we're going to see a bear for real.
What you going to do if it's in the middle?
Like I was so.
Man, I had so many different emotions.
Then I saw a bear and we scared each other at the same time.
You and the bear?
Are you and the thing?
No, we drove and it was.
Yeah, we saw the bear mom back there too.
We all saw the bear.
And I looked at it.
He looked at me and just jumped up in the tree.
And that was all I saw.
And man, dude, that was terrifying.
My question is, what did you think your mom was going to do
from Huntsville if your location did some.
Well, at least she saw the last spot I was at.
I don't know.
There we go.
Then the park ranger could be like, all right.
We got 100 meters, we got to go.
Dude, your mom should have came with you.
She keeps that thing on her.
Yeah, that thing.
Yeah, that thing of things.
Y'all would have had a new rug, man.
Yes, you would have had a new rug.
You would have had a new legal rug.
But I like black bears, man.
I really do.
You do?
I fuck with them.
I feel you on that one.
I fuck with them, but I just don't fuck them.
I want to see them, but I didn't want to see them.
I even got moonshine.
I got a lot of moonshine.
I got this original one, because they were like,
this is like the ones they had back in the day.
Take a slip.
Like Red Dead Redemption.
Just like it.
That's exactly what they had.
Because that's the historical reference point,
is Red Dead Redemption.
Just like in Red Dead Redemption.
Then I got some Tutti Frutti.
They had that one, too.
That was even better.
It was good.
It's nice and fruity.
I like that.
And then after that, we had moonshine pickles,
infused pickles with moonshine.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Those are good.
Oh, yeah.
I should have brought that.
I almost brought that.
You bought those, too?
Yeah.
And then I got strawberry lemonade whiskey.
Good.
Bottles almost gone.
It was tasty.
OK.
It was tasty.
Strawberry lemonade whiskey.
Oh, yeah.
It was really good.
Refreshing.
I almost brought that.
I almost.
Well, you should have, because that's disgusting.
Yeah.
I thought y'all wasn't a challenge.
That's why I thought y'all wasn't a challenge.
I got a whole bunch of other ones.
And you drink that like it's nothing.
It's fancy.
I mean, it burned me.
It burned me going down.
Jack, how did it feel for you?
It was nasty.
We both said no to a second cup.
And you're just over there like, what?
It might be a family curse, man.
I don't know where this came from.
The tolerance is weird.
Tastes like a messed up soda.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't have any fizz to it whatsoever.
But it's not citrus based, though.
No, not at all.
Or cola based.
It's just like what?
Grain based?
What did he mean?
Corn based.
It's more corn.
Corn.
Yeah, yeah.
Corn syrup.
And he got the corn logo right there.
And Ken, what'd you say?
You said you had somebody who made maize.
Mead.
Maize is corn.
I bet Mead won a weight.
But he's making big batches at this point.
He told me that he just started two five gallon batches
or whatever.
And he's got like 90 bottles.
Damn.
That he's aging.
What exactly is Mead?
It's honey based wine.
And it's high, high ABV.
So it's like probably 18%, 19% ABV.
Oh, jeez.
Yeah.
So it'll fuck you up.
But people seem to really like the way it tastes.
We'll get white girl wasted off the Mead.
We'll get some big turkey legs to eat.
Hell yeah.
Oh, dude.
Hell yeah.
That'd be tight, dude.
Oh, man.
I forgot they had whiskey.
I mean, not whiskey.
Jerky, too.
Dude, I bought some shark jerky.
Shark?
Shut up.
Oh, man, dude.
How is that?
It stank the whole.
Not bad.
It smelled like somebody that washed themselves.
You know what I mean?
No, I know exactly what you're talking about.
It's you know, like that.
And then when you eat it.
I mean, everybody hates it, but it's me.
It tastes like crap.
It's supposed to make your dick big.
Really?
And I'll eat the whole bag.
What'd you say?
Oh, yeah.
That's what they make your dick big.
It's supposed to make your dick big.
Rhino horn.
I've had shark steak before.
That's good.
I want to try that.
What does it taste like?
It's similar to swordfish.
It's kind of a thick cut.
That doesn't help.
Swordfish?
Who the fuck thinks swordfish?
I'm getting into that.
It's like white fish, basically.
OK, OK.
And it's thick.
And it tastes really good.
It's not fishy at all.
Apparently, when they dry it out, that's different.
It was good.
But it was good, though.
Oh, to me, everybody else hated it.
Everybody was like, it's so nasty.
I thought it tastes like crabs.
So I fuck with it.
The hell is Brandon's gut biome?
He's drinking moonshine, eating shark jerky and shit,
hunting bears.
I even had elk and ostrich.
This is Joe Rogan.
I even had elk.
What was it?
An elk, jerky, and a ostrich?
No, alligator.
I skipped the ostrich.
No, alligator.
That's where you draw alligator.
Alligator, I don't know how the jerky is,
but the little nuggets, like alligator nuggets.
Yeah, fried alligator bites.
Now, they're done right, because sometimes they
could be overcooked.
Same.
Yeah, shit.
It gets too dry.
It's gross.
You ever had them?
You like crawfish tails that way?
You know, I like crawfish without fry.
Have you ever had it fried?
Yeah, I've had it fried.
Fried crawfish tails.
I mean, they're good.
But I like that, like, etoufei crawfish, etoufei.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Etoubroutei.
Etou etou etoufei.
He's about to look at etoubroutei.
He's like, what am I eating?
Ha ha ha!
Etou crawfish.
You know what?
I was about to say, his methods might be questionable,
but the results speak for themselves.
But it does have a one star review.
No, go to the second picture.
Yeah, that one.
Crawfish, etoufei.
That's good eating, boys.
You can't eat it, JJ, because you're a Gen Zer.
I don't.
Yeah, allergic to everything.
I'm very traditional, dude.
This is an unclean animal that I will not soil my body with.
That's why you have all that leakage.
Can we talk about the things you do soil your body with?
Because I'm like, yeah.
I've been trying to get myself addicted to zen.
It hasn't worked.
I throw up every time.
He texts me, he's like, dude, these zens got me feeling sick.
I'm like, why are you doing it?
You're not even addicted to decadene at all.
I've never vaped.
I don't like decadene.
I want to be addicted to something.
I'm trying my hardest.
Maybe one day, man.
Thank you, dude.
We'll get you some help.
You're so encouraging.
Keep going, JJ.
We'll get you.
They just throw in some zens and better flavors, bro.
They got a whole bunch of flavors.
Wintergreen is the best, I think.
Do you know that they make pouches of coffee grounds
for people that are trying to get off of nicotine?
Really?
Yeah, different flavors.
I don't like them.
They call them grinds.
Grinds, yeah.
I had a cinnamon roll one.
That shit was not.
I didn't like it, man.
It tastes like artificial sweetener is the problem.
For me, it was overwhelmingly just coffee.
I like fruity flavors.
You know me.
Me too.
I like more of a citrus base.
Is somebody taking a tally of how many times
he says citrus base?
In the red 40s.
Am I missing something?
Tell them the citrus base.
So somebody, we always drink diet sodis all the time.
When we're over here, we're pounding the diet sodis.
And Brandon went to go get diet sodis on the way here.
And he was like, what should I get?
And I was like, get one citrus base, one cola base,
and just make him be diet.
And what did he bring?
He met the requirements.
What was the citrus base one?
Mountain Dew.
Mountain Dew, yeah.
Zero calorie Mountain Dew.
And then Dr. Pepper.
Should have been Pepsi, but I didn't know if you all
were down for that.
Pepsi is very polarizing.
Either way, you met the requirements, like you said.
Pepsi did sell to the Soviets.
And you know.
Pepsi is very polarizing people.
Is that why Pepsi is polarizing?
You guys should do one of those things.
You've seen them probably on reels or whatever,
where they have the secluded box and all
the different things to drink.
And people have to identify and see
if you can tell the difference between the different things.
I can tell you, honey.
I could smell it and tell you.
With what?
Soda.
All soda.
Diet soda.
I could smell it or taste it and tell you
the exact difference.
You write it down?
Yeah, I'll try.
100%.
Energy drinks, it's over, bro.
Yeah, I would fail at energy drinks.
I don't know about that.
I'll tell you the batch number.
I'll tell you when it was made.
How much are you willing to wager on that?
I'll put, if you put like, now if you go and buy
some exotic soda, obviously I'm not going to know what it is.
I'm talking about mainstream stuff
I could buy in the 7-Eleven.
If you put Coke, Diet Coke, and Coke Zero all in the three,
I can tell you the difference.
So could I.
I think I can do that one.
You'd put Pepsi, Pepsi Zero, Diet Pepsi.
OK, so if you do Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Coke,
and Diet Coke.
I can tell you the difference.
100%.
I could do that.
That's easy.
So what do we need in there to throw it off?
I'm thinking if you're strictly Diet Soda or whatever,
then essentially every version of a dark soda,
because the citrus based ones would
be very easy to detect, right?
But you could have Diet Pepsi, Diet Coke,
but then go to Diet Rite or Diet RC kind of things.
I could go deep in my head.
You know what I mean?
Like you would have to put something in there besides
versions of Coke and Pepsi.
Yeah, and like Diet Dr. Pepper.
Throw that in there.
That could throw you off a little bit.
No.
No, that one's pretty easy.
But in the really?
Oh yeah, Dr. Pepper's got such a unique flavor.
23 herbs and spices.
Somebody else picked it, because I'm picking the easy.
He's drinking KFC over there.
Hell yeah, we did that.
Kim's always had us drinking breast milk today,
which surprisingly is actually good.
Yeah, it didn't taste bad.
Right?
Dom wants a whole bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
I would definitely eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch
with that as the milk.
I hate you.
Really?
It's not bad.
It's not bad at all.
Alex, you were so afraid going into that.
I just die.
I mean, I've had it.
I just had it before.
It's just the idea.
What do you mean you had it before?
I've had it before.
Not that bad.
From your mom?
Like from your mom or from an?
This is a good batch.
It was from October 1st.
That's right.
That's crazy.
So I need to know more about how you've had it before.
He's had it sexually before.
For real?
Sexually, he's had it.
I've been trying to remember it.
So Alex said he's had breast milk sexually.
Sexually.
There you go, man.
Fucking hell yeah.
Respect gank.
What the fuck?
Doesn't take much.
So he has had it sexually, consensually, willingly.
But then here's this innocent thing we want him to do,
and he's about to throw up.
What the hell?
Just the idea of it.
It's funny.
You don't want it to get sprung on you.
It's like when Bobby Lee stuck a Snickers up his ass.
I think that's a tad bit different.
Yeah, I was like, I'm not making the connection.
Nothing's going on.
It's not even getting to say that at all.
One of those things involves penetration.
And once you go that far.
And the other one is a sip.
He really did that?
Yeah.
And he has anal leakage too.
You can't be going around sticking stuff up your ass
in front of people if you got anal leakage.
Did he freeze it?
But which came first?
He froze it for real.
You have to freeze it.
Does that make it better?
I'd rather eat a Snickers out of the fridge.
So I'd rather have it cold if it's going there too, I'm sure.
And it keeps the structure alive.
I'll give you one of the ones I keep in the gas station freezer.
Tell them what you do.
I go to the gas station in the morning to buy an energy drink,
put a candy bar at the bottom of the ice cream freezer,
come back that afternoon and get it.
That a boy.
What kind of candy bar?
I like Reese's.
I mean, it's not technically a candy bar.
But Reese's frozen are great.
Snickers frozen are good too, but they'll break your teeth.
You know the Snickers candy bar.
That's when I started doing candy.
You like those?
It's good stuff.
That's my shit right there.
I got to talk about this.
What happened?
Two days ago, I went to my dad's house to go see my brother.
And I pull into his driveway.
I'm sitting there.
I'm looking at something somebody sent me on Instagram.
And then all of a sudden, my car gets rocked.
My dad drove into my car.
And I look, and he drives away.
Your father?
I get a call.
He's like, hey, Junior, your car OK?
I'm trying to get to work.
And then I'm like, dude, what?
Yeah, my car is fine.
His car is fine.
It wasn't like a bad, bad impact.
My dad hit and ran me.
And then I go inside.
I talk to my brother.
I stay there for a while.
And then my dad comes home.
He walks in the door, lights up a cigarette in the kitchen.
And this is the first words that come out of his mouth.
I fucking hate Scrappy Doo.
I fucking hate that shit.
Scrappy Doo's?
Or Scrappy Doo?
Scrappy Doo.
Oh, shit.
He's like, I fucking hate that shit.
Yeah.
What?
What the fuck?
He was at work the whole time.
And he doesn't work at a place where I will play Scrappy Doo.
How did Scrappy Doo come to the forefront of his brain?
I mean, look at that fucking piece of shit, dude.
I hate him too, bro.
He bears a striking resemblance to a comedian
I'm not very fond of.
Oh, my god.
Don't even say it.
We have a lost episode.
It's not known about Ian Huntsville, see?
We have a lost episode.
He, we can't air it because it's a bit to his frustration.
It was bad.
I was in a dark place.
I don't think he had.
You think he does?
He looks like Scrappy Doo.
Hey, just bleep it out.
Just bleep it out.
Yeah, I was about to say.
Uh.
I fucking hate that guy.
I can't stand that guy.
I fucking hate him.
Don't get him started.
Get him on the belly.
Yeah, the one thing he's going.
I don't like him, bro.
It's funny.
It's all a fun and games until I get to that place.
And I'm just like, fuck.
We can't lose this episode now.
I just need to know why he hates him so much.
I mean, take your pick.
There's a myriad of reasons.
He doesn't have a real reason.
He just hates him.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, it's a JTG.
He's a very legitimate thing.
Can we move on to the next topic?
I got you.
Brandon, what else are you doing Gatlin Bergman?
I got you.
What?
Let's change it.
Something different.
Oh, my god.
Shark tail?
Yeah, it's not scrappy.
I thought you were going back to your jerky or something.
Oh, well, I mean, I did eat sharks.
So what is the problem?
Why were you late today?
Three hours late to.
Oh, you know me.
I'm a man of the Lord.
I was in the I was I was watching a good friend of mine
get get dunked.
That's good.
Amen.
And the podcast.
It was and it was it was wild, man.
That was my first time ever going to a mega church.
And it's a it's a whole other vibe, bro.
What happens in a mega church?
Dude, what does it mean?
There's a lot to unpack with that.
It's like I grew up going to like a small church
in the country with my grandma.
I'm talking about like 50 or less people.
And that's a good day.
You know, this place was massive, bro.
It looks like the Avengers headquarters, bro.
It feels like you're going to an event.
It doesn't really it doesn't feel like church to me.
It didn't feel that way.
But it was a good service and everything.
Don't get me wrong.
It's just I'm not used to that environment.
And they do like baptisms after every service in the lobby.
OK.
They do two or three services every Sunday in the morning.
And like after everyone, there's like and it's like not like
the auditorium, there's more people getting baptized
and come to open mics.
Yeah.
And the sanctuary, the auditorium holds thousands,
like 3,000 people.
It's massive.
And it was probably just as many people there
than there was at the Three Six Mafia concert.
I'm not even joking, bro.
Like it's a lot of people.
And JJ, didn't you say like that's a satellite.
So you're watching it close circuit.
They have like over 25 locations.
And they started in like a high school.
In Birmingham, I think.
Mountain bro.
Yeah.
And then now they have all these things.
And that didn't happen.
I don't know what's that's the that's the Ringling Brothers.
And they're not allowed to do that anymore.
Why the fuck do they got a camera?
Dude, they had a camera meat too at the jerking place.
Just kidding.
It all comes full circle, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
It's wild.
They got, they.
Was it him?
Was he there?
No.
Not Joel Osteen.
That was not Joel Osteen.
Look up Church of the Highlands.
And they'll have pictures.
The Sistine Chapel.
A huge mural.
It's not as big as Joel Osteen.
But that's just like you said, one of 26 campuses.
That one right there.
Well, that's the middle.
That's the Huntsville.
Yes, that one.
Right here?
No.
No, that wasn't the one I was at.
Is it that one?
They have like the stadium.
I think it's that third one.
Oh, right here?
Is that it?
It looks similar.
That says Huntsville.
Oh, it says Huntsville, yeah.
You were in that.
That place is huge.
So if you want to go get it.
I think that is the one.
I went to the one.
I would try.
That's a bio lab or something.
Because I think technically that's Huntsville.
Even though to us it's Madison.
But like you walk in, dude.
And it's like.
Type in Madison after it to see what comes up.
It's crazy.
I mean, everybody was super nice and everything.
I just am not used to that.
Especially with there not being like a physical person
on the stage.
Yeah, you said it was.
It was like they pre-record.
I think they pre-record.
I don't think it's live.
But like they pre-record it at one of the churches
where like the main head pastor is.
And he gives the sermon.
But I was asking people.
And they said like, is it different?
It's not always that guy.
Yeah, I was going to say, do they
have different ones for all three services?
Probably, right?
Brandon, click on visit under the big picture on the right.
The big picture on the right.
Yeah, click visit up the top.
Yep, click that.
I'm trying to pull up a damn.
Damn, those are locations.
Yeah, look, Sunday's at 8, 9 45, and 11 30.
But I was trying to find pictures of the inside.
See how much different black churches are,
because that would have been 8 to 11 30
would have been one service.
Click locations at the top.
All right.
Well, let me see what number two is.
Maybe that's it.
It was also wild to me, because I walked in there.
And I found Blake and like this sea of people.
And I'm like, dang, dude, where's the Starbucks at?
And he's like, it's right over there.
They had a cafe inside the church.
Hell yeah.
Which is wild.
That is wild.
I've never even thought that was a thing.
Like I never even would have imagined.
It'd be like on special occasions they would cook and shit.
I think all proceeds go to the church, obviously.
I don't think people just volunteer, but like, I don't know.
Here we go.
It's wild.
See where the M's are at.
There we go.
Yeah.
Let's throw it in.
Yeah, see if there's any pictures of the inside.
All right, there he is.
Oh yeah, that's the guy baptized.
Looks like a good dude, man.
Blake said he had strong hands.
Yeah, strong hands.
You need that for the baptism.
Yeah, I respect that.
And they got a warm water.
I did not get warm water.
When I got baptized, I didn't know
I was supposed to put my feet under that metal bar.
So I just flew up.
I just did a backflip, basically.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
You're going to come to my house.
Did you go down swinging?
Y'all are not baptized?
When Blake came out, he did like.
You never been baptized?
No, I need to, man.
There's a lake right out there.
That's where my mom baptized us in the lake.
She took a whole bunch of us out there.
All it takes is a body of water.
A long white gown.
We may have grew up in a cult.
But she took us out to the lake.
And then everybody was getting baptized.
And me and my friends were like, haha.
She was like, no, you got to get baptized too.
I'm like, shit.
And we went out there in a dirty lake.
And Jesus cleansed us of all of our sins.
And if you want that to happen to you,
go to Highlands in Madison.
Yeah, to get the church of the Highlands.
Everybody was nice to me.
I'll be there.
Brandon, can we film it?
OK, so I just got to put this out here
before anybody gets evangelicalized or whatever
you want to call it.
But not all churches are good.
I have some serious church hurt.
So you know.
I don't touch this.
I don't touch this stuff.
I had to go to church so much when I was younger.
Steve Harvey has the best joke.
He was like, I went to church so much when I was a kid.
I would just rather go to hell.
It goes to a certain point.
That's a dangerous path to walk down.
When you have to go to church Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday,
nobody say my government name on there.
Yeah, that is a hard one to figure out.
It could be Dominic.
Domino.
Yeah.
You don't know.
Dominoes.
You don't know who my mom is.
It could be Donnie.
Or Dom.
Domie.
Domie Carr.
That's what my brother called me.
My brother couldn't say my name when we were growing up.
He was like, Dominic.
Dominic did it, mama.
Dominic.
And then he also called Candy Hondu.
He called Hondu.
I'm like, you talking about fucking Candy?
He called Hondu.
I'm like, it's called Candy.
Hondu?
Is that German?
No.
That's not even close.
It's not even close.
Hondu.
Hondu is how he said Candy.
Yeah.
That sounds like a Korean word.
Like Yakamandu.
Hondu.
He looks like Jafar.
He's evil, dude.
Well, I thought he was a little demon when we were growing up.
He's still not much better now.
Well, back to the baptism thing.
My wife has this unrealistic fear of baptism.
She's afraid she's going to get spontaneously baptized.
She don't like being anywhere near it.
It creeps her out.
Has she ever been baptized?
Yeah.
Yes, yeah.
She grew up in church.
But she does not want to witness the Duncan.
Dang.
It is kind of crazy.
It's cultish a little bit.
It's not.
I mean, it's fine.
Not all cults are bad.
But I think once you define them as a cult, that kind of puts
a negative connotation.
I know it does.
But let's be honest.
All religions are a little bit of a cult.
Yeah.
I mean, you don't have to do it, though.
No, you don't.
You just walk in and be like, can I?
Yeah.
Well, I can't speak on those.
What do you say?
I said some religions you do got to.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's true.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
You can't let them take over America.
That's why Brandon's voting for Trump 2020.
No, we're not.
No.
Just because I was in Gatlinburg with all the Trump stores
doesn't mean nothing.
What do you say happened to you at the Trump store?
Oh, wait.
Oh, when I was at a jerky store.
And I was like, I was trying to buy it.
And then there was like a cop there.
And another cop at the register.
Apparently at the register.
I'm glad I knew that.
But he was like, man, everybody here was either a cop
or was in the war, man.
He was like, hell yeah, man.
I was in Jacksonville.
And everybody's going to say he said white or something.
But he looked at him and said, yeah, man, you know,
Jacksonville got kind of downhill ever since it got less
whiter and less something else.
And I'm right there buying the jerky.
I'm like, damn.
And Brandon's like, damn right.
Yeah.
I mean, I was like, this is wild shit.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
I don't know what it is about Jacksonville.
I don't know.
Let me get this jerky and get out of here.
And I came back next day.
But that's because I wanted the shark.
So it's OK.
So you went back to the same one?
You went to the same one more than once?
Yeah, because it was good jerky.
And my family wanted some jerky.
OK.
He knows it's going to a good people.
OK.
I hope.
It's a good cause.
I don't think so.
I want to support these folks.
I don't know.
It was wild.
But that was the only jerky place that was known.
I was like, all right.
It may have changed since I was there.
But last time I was in Gatlinburg,
you couldn't go 10 feet without either a pancake place
or a homemade candy place.
Yes, that was how it was.
And then there was a bunch of buildings
that said, going there, there's a live shark or a live bear
or a live rattlesnake.
Yeah.
They were like, there's a live shark in the back
while you're shopping for shit.
That you got molested.
That was not a shark.
That was somebody's penis.
There was a bunch of buildings that
say there's live sharks in here.
But you can also get everything for $9.99 or less.
Sounds like a deal to me.
I know.
And then there was some bears praying.
There was probably a 20 gallon aquarium
with his tiny ass shark.
There was one with bears, though.
All the bears were praying.
It said something about Jesus bears or something.
Speaking of cults.
I don't know what that one was about.
Hey, that's the best way to see a bear.
If they're praying?
Mm-hmm.
I saw a lot of stuff there.
I was cool with that.
Yeah.
Like again, these book of records.
You got the stuff there.
So when you went to the Believe It or Not museum,
was there anything that blew your mind?
I mean, yeah.
But for the first five minutes, I
was scared because I walked in there.
And dude, why?
They got the two-headed animals.
They were in there.
And they said stick your hand in here and see what's in there.
And I'm like, I can't do that.
Did you go in there?
No, I didn't do it.
I did one thing where they tried to grab the gold.
And then mist came out and sprayed.
And then this noise came out.
And I'm like, aw, man.
They tried to act like I'm stealing.
So.
Trying to frame you.
It was good.
I saw what the tallies do, learn how they shrunk heads.
I touched Buddha's nipple.
There's a picture of that.
It was good.
I don't think you're supposed to say it.
That's not the tradition.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
You thought you were supposed to rub his belly,
not touch his nipple.
I read it wrong.
Instead of this, Brandon was like, bing, bing.
You said you read it wrong?
You really thought you were supposed to touch his nipple?
No, I just did that because I looked at it.
I said, oh.
Took a picture.
And then she just took the picture of me doing that.
The creation of Brandon.
And then when I read it, it says, good luck, rub his belly.
I was like, I should have done that too.
Man, if his belly's good luck, you're
going to win the lottery because you hit the nipple.
Yeah, that was the trick.
Hold on.
Yeah, nobody tried that yet.
They probably did.
So Brandon, we got to get you baptized before three weeks
because I looked it up.
And I'm the only one that can't go on the skydiving thing
because of the weight requirement.
You can't go.
I'm not going.
No, no, no.
Mine's only because I will go.
No, no.
What was the weight requirement?
240.
240?
I'm 260.
Damn it.
I'm 260.
Ah, damn.
I'm good.
So JJ, it's all on you.
Brandon's going to start eating even more now.
Dude, I can't wait on the trip, man.
I went to the Paula Neen restaurant.
Even though she probably didn't want me to be there.
They was.
Dude, I fucked him.
Did smoke come out when you walked in?
She don't mind if you're there as long as you're in the kitchen.
Yeah.
Dude, that's how it was.
I was like the only black dude eating.
So the other family came thankfully.
But dude, I just got me what was it?
The fried chicken and greens and fuck it.
I mean Brandon.
Come on, dude.
You're walking into the same thing.
Was it like under a cardboard box with a stick and a string
and a stick and a stick?
I'm sat in the middle, man.
I sat in the middle, ate proudly.
Man, what else?
You couldn't take nothing home with you?
Did you have watermelon sorbet for dessert?
No.
What was it?
Blackberry lemonade.
You couldn't take nothing home with you except for desserts.
I felt bad, man.
I left the chicken breast there.
Because it was a buffet time deal, right?
Yeah, like they bring it to you.
I was like, damn, man.
Yeah, because I wasted so much food.
You could have put one in your pocket.
Right in the shard jerky bag.
It wouldn't have been good.
What did they serve for dessert?
They had the ooey gooey butter cake.
We had peach cobbler.
Or the banana pudding.
Peach cobbler wasn't good?
Too much food.
Look, I'm going to say I went to Paula Deen's
and I was severely under.
It was nasty.
It wasn't nasty.
I was unimpressed.
Yeah, they had no seasoning, man.
It's Paula Deen.
My grandma knows recipes from Paula Deen.
Yeah.
What city were you in?
Gallimper.
Oh, OK.
I went in Savannah, Georgia.
It was not good.
It went downhill after the whole controversy.
People wouldn't sell her seasonings anymore.
She lost all her good cooks and help.
I've never been to Paula Deen's restaurant.
You're not missing anything.
I've been to Panama City and they got one
at that big mall by the beach.
But I'm just like, dude, I'm not eating there.
I'm already in Panama City.
If you're in Panama City in Paula Deen's restaurant,
the scum of the earth.
That's a valid point.
There's nothing good going on in there, bro.
So JJ, when you go on a beach trip, what do you eat?
Because everybody else is all loving seafood
and that's not you.
Seafood, dude.
I don't.
I mean, back in the day when I could eat seafood, yeah.
But now I'm-
That's something that's developed?
It developed later in life.
All of a sudden, I was at Red Lobster one time.
It was bad.
It just-
That's why.
Red Lobster.
When you're like 500 miles inland.
That was shit.
Yeah, I was in Oklahoma visiting my mom.
And then all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, yeah.
My dad was severely allergic to shrimp, specifically.
Now, all shellfish, but especially shrimp.
And when he was in the military, he was an officer
and he was overseeing the mess hall for whatever reason.
And he didn't know he had it.
I guess it developed later on.
And it's whatever enzyme occurs when the shrimp starts
to break down a little bit.
So it was just even not spoiled, but when it starts to age
or whatever.
And so he said he was walking through the mess hall
and they had fried shrimp.
And he just picked one up and popped it in his mouth
as he was walking by.
And he got home and my mom said he looked like a monster.
He was swollen, had to go to the hospital and everything.
Damn scared.
Couldn't eat anything after that.
I think it was my first time trying lobster
when that happened.
And I think my body was trying to, and my brain
was just trying to protect me from myself.
It's like, dude, don't get used to this.
You're going to be poor forever.
Don't.
Thanks, Brennan.
Don't get too comfortable.
Just setting expectations.
That's fair.
But now when I go to the beach, you know, chicken tendies,
bro.
Yeah.
Chicken tendies.
I'm not really a red meat guy.
You know, I'm more of a chicken.
Oh really?
You don't like steak?
I mean, I like it.
But I just don't.
I like chicken.
You like chicken more than pork and beef?
I don't really eat pork like that.
How do you eat it?
Not like that.
Now there's Miss Piggy.
I only eat it and then vomit.
You bring a trauma.
I'm very sci-fi-y in that way.
It's against your religion?
Yeah.
I only wear sandals.
First of all, I want to say this.
I want to say this.
And this happened three weeks ago,
and I'm still fucking mad about it.
I never talked about it on the podcast.
I don't even know if I told you guys.
They fucking kicked me out of Planet Fitness, bro.
I got kicked out of Planet Fitness for wearing these shoes.
And first of all, their policy is posted on the,
they've never enforced it ever.
This guy decided to be an asshole this day.
Because he had time.
I didn't know they could do that.
I walked in, and he's like, hey, man.
You got any other shoes you can change into?
And I'm like, what are you talking about?
He's like, you can't wear open-toed shoes.
I'm like, first of all, I would never wear open-toed shoes.
Because I'm insulted you just fucking
said that to me right now.
All right.
Let me plead my case.
I can't.
Let's go with this.
Let's break this down.
No, that's not open-toed.
Obviously not open-toed.
Buckle.
It has a tightening apparatus.
It's not that much different than just a regular fucking shoe,
bro.
And he's like, if you get on the treadmill,
I don't even look in the direction
of the fucking treadmill.
It's not going to happen.
And so I kind of careened out a little bit.
Did you?
I got a little nasty.
Give us a detail.
I got a little nasty.
I was excited.
It was a regrettable moment.
I was like, hey, man.
I just went and sat down on one of the benches.
I just walked past.
I was like, there's no way he's going to come over here.
He comes over there.
He's like, hey, man.
You got to change your shoes.
I'm like, can you go make your $12 over there?
Oh my god.
I'm like, dude, I full on careened out.
Because I was so angry.
He lost his testicles.
I was about to say, and he was like, yeah.
The reason I said that I only wear sandals is my religion.
I was trying to think of an excuse like that.
It's my religion.
And it starts with a D. And I almost
said, I'm deciduous, which is a forest.
I was about to say, isn't that a tree?
Yeah, it's a type of flora.
Not that this guy would have fucking known that.
But you know, like, yeah.
And then I walk up to the manager.
And I'm like, dude, I want to cancel my membership.
I want to cancel my membership right now, dude.
Because I want to wear it.
I pay the same money.
They've never said anything about it.
And it's Planet Fitness.
You can wear jeans there.
It's Planet Fitness, bruh.
It's a judge's reason.
Who cares?
They say.
No judgment.
There's a guy jerking off over there.
Like, what is it?
But you're OK with that.
And I didn't think I wanted to join it, Jim.
Where are they jerking off?
Dude, you can't even take a shower
without the water flooding, dude.
The drain is so clogged with just like people taking tests.
Their hair is falling out.
Cum in there.
And then I can't wear the Birkenstocks, dude.
I don't buy them.
That's the last straw.
It's the last fucking.
And from now on?
That must be an anti-lesbian policy.
That's usually what it affects the Birkenstocks.
I think it's anti-LGBTQ.
Because Chocos are out.
LGBTQJJ.
Exactly, dude.
I'm in, bro.
I'm in.
Why not?
Let it be my decision.
I could understand it like a real.
Your body of choice.
Exactly.
At a real gym where they're having their weights out.
Well, no, I mean, when the free weights are just everywhere,
they can fall on your foot.
I understand it.
But at Planet Fitness, this is the place
you're supposed to be able to do that.
And from here on out, Cloud College is boycotting Planet
Fitness.
Yeah.
I was going to work out tomorrow.
I was thinking about going.
Now, fuck you guys.
I'll just be fat forever, you sons of bitches.
That man fucked up my basketball.
This is our boy.
Tell him.
Fuck it.
I'm not going.
They don't have a basketball court at Planet Fitness.
So what did the manager say?
I walked up to the manager.
Oh, and this is what really got me right here.
He hits me with sir, and I'm like, dude, shut the fuck up.
I can't say that.
But I was like, I want to cancel my membership, man.
I just think that's kind of bullshit that you just
started enforcing that policy.
Because I used to go to that one all the time.
It's near where I work.
In Berks?
Yeah, all the time.
Never said anything about it.
I don't wear them on leg day, though,
because it's hard to squat.
It doesn't matter.
Nobody gives a fuck.
I'm talking to the dude.
I'm like, yeah, I want to cancel my membership.
They're trying to look it up.
They can't find my name in the system.
My name's JJ.
It's not a hard one.
J period, J period.
Maybe that threw them off.
And they're trying to find it.
And they're like, sir, you have to go to your home location.
And I'm like, no, I know somebody that works at Planet
Fitness.
I know if I sit here and bitch for long enough,
you're going to cancel it.
Can we cut the shit?
Just fucking cancel my thing.
I don't care.
And this dude is pissing me off.
He has a man bun.
He's shaved south.
And I'm just like, bro, I'm stupid.
I'm stupid.
And he's like, you got to write a letter to your home club.
No, shut the fuck up.
And I'm like, home club?
What are you talking about?
Home club?
And he's like, sir, your home club.
I'm like, you?
If you fucking say that one more time,
I am about to lose my shit.
And they ended up, I just walked out.
And I'm like, OK, I'll just cancel it later or whatever.
Or I'll file a lawsuit or something.
And even though I definitely harassed them.
And then now I just go to a different one.
Hell, yeah.
Which one you going to do?
So I still go to Planet Fitness.
So you're telling me, because you have the black, right?
Yeah.
You know I got that black.
Come on, man.
You got to have it.
I'll bring it.
You don't know where you're going to be at.
I'll bring everybody.
I got the same thing.
And I have one over a year.
So I have paid them so much money without using it once.
But look, here goes the thing.
And they told you to write a fucking letter?
Yeah.
You got to write a letter to your home club or go in person.
But the thing is, I signed up in a completely different city.
So I would have to drive all the way there to cancel it.
I need to know what location fucked you over
so we can avoid it.
This is South Memorial Parkway, Planet Fitness.
OK.
I got you.
OK.
It's over there.
It's in the nice part of town.
But once they get some money, they
can fucking talk shit to everybody.
It's in an old skating rink.
That's where they built it.
It's right over there.
Is that by y'all?
Is that by Shenanigans?
No, it's that one right there.
Yep, that's the one.
That's it, bro.
Right by the can of bar.
Very close to the can of bar.
OK.
If you go here, consider us enemies, dude.
I've drawn my line in the sand.
Got a Domino's piece there.
If you support them, you are anti-JJ.
You're anti-JJ.
And you're really anti-American.
You're anti-free will.
Exactly.
All right, that's what I said.
You know what?
Offer a platinum card and let me wear my fucking Berks.
I'll pay for that.
I'll pay for you to shut the fuck up and leave me alone.
I like that.
Let me work out, because I thought
this was a free country.
I've never heard him sound so caring.
This is amazing.
Only when I talk about dicks.
Dude, if he would have been in there,
I would have went to prison for a long time.
Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
I went to prison for a long time, man.
God, I need to know what's behind this.
You know.
He has a hate for this man.
Vitriol.
Yes.
It's strong, and there's nothing you could do.
We've all tried to talk him down.
How often and in what capacity have you spent time
in the presence of this person?
I'm going to be vague so we can leap it out.
Well, I understand, but how did you get around him enough
to know you couldn't stand him?
It only took once.
Once in social media.
OK.
So once when he was in town, you all were at the same mic
or something like that?
Yes.
And I just, you know, I don't care for people like him.
Like him.
Trying to figure out which subgroups.
I'm going to believe this one sounds racial.
Yeah.
The Alexhead does it again.
Nice.
I don't like his kind.
Now, I wasn't going to go there, but you know.
I just.
No, it's fine.
No, no.
Please, please keep it going.
I should.
Yeah, you should.
We've got to keep this.
We can't let the breast milk go to waste.
That's right.
Yeah, that would be a shame.
Thank you so much, Kim, for that experience
that we would have never had.
Yeah, true.
Well, one day.
So let me just ask you this.
Whenever I told you I had something
and then I gave you the clue that you had talked about it
before, what were you imagining it was?
I was thinking, I was thinking like for the year thing,
I was like, you have something like a suggestion
or something like that.
I really didn't know, but I was scared once you took it.
Because you didn't tell me that until a couple of days ago.
So then I had really no clue.
And when I told JJ, he was like, I'm not eating anything.
But he did.
I drank it.
He drank it.
That's true.
And it was good.
Let's be honest.
It was not bad.
It wasn't bad at all.
No, it was sugary.
It really didn't taste like anything to me.
It just tasted real cold, really.
So were you joking when you were talking about,
I'm about to cry?
Oh, no, I was genuinely terrified.
I don't know why.
I didn't think it was going to be nasty or anything.
I was just like, man, this is going
to be a life-altering experience.
And so we give your breast milk an A plus.
Hell yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you for your charitable contribution.
That's right.
Legend of the show.
Oh yeah, Dom.
I forgot to tell you, I finally went to Bucky's.
Oh.
Hell, what the fuck in here?
You've been to the Promise Land.
Yes, I have.
How'd you like it?
Dude, I got two brisket sandwiches.
That was $40.
I was about to say, he had to mortgage the house.
Dude, and then somebody's car got caught on fire outside, man.
Did you go the one in Athens?
No, it was somewhere in Georgia.
That's like on your trip.
You went to a Bucky's.
Did you see the amount of jerky they have there?
Dude, I saw they had a whole big ass,
it was a half a cow, man.
So if you go to the one in Athens,
and they have a case back there, and they have a person working
in there, and you can ask to sample any type that they have
in there.
How much is that?
With the rack, that looks expensive.
Well, I'm sure it is.
That's the prepackage stuff.
But you can go to the counter and say, taste that one.
You like it.
I want a quarter pound of that or whatever.
So you don't have to buy it off the rack.
I just wanted to wonder a little action figure.
What was it, the Bucky doll?
Bucky, yep.
The one you can stretch?
Oh, I didn't know they had a stretch Bucky.
What is that about?
What do you mean by stretch?
Yeah, the one you can stretch.
Like stretch your arm strong?
Oh yeah, like stretch your arm strong.
You stretch it places that are vulnerable.
What?
They got a bussy pussy or something there.
That's what it sounds like to me.
You bend it where you want it.
Put it in the spot you want it.
So you've purposely stretched this beaver?
Oh, if I bought it, I would have stretched the shit out of it.
Oh my god.
You're making that sound like a football.
Man, I would have had fun.
I'm going to stretch that bussy.
Are you talking about sex, Brandon?
No.
I was not convinced at all.
No, of course not.
Bend it over.
Put it in the twitch, little pretzel.
You're all right.
It's good times, man.
And the shirt can come off too.
I don't know.
Oh my.
I'm not doing it.
What do you mean you're not saying?
Yes, you are saying.
I was going to give you a detail.
I don't know why you could take the shirt off.
I don't know.
I don't know it.
How do you know?
Why did you try to take it off?
I think there was a label on it that said it.
That says you can take his shirt off and rub his nipples in?
You thought it was Buddha.
It was a Buddha beaver.
It's the Buddha beaver.
That's Bucky's, man.
Bucky's the Buddha beaver.
You can play with his nipples.
It doesn't have to be.
I want to see the sign that they put up.
You can play with my nipples.
Oh, dude, I did find that the candy.
There was a candy shop in Gatlinburg that had like a,
I was walking with my girl and they had a boob ball thing.
I grabbed it instantly.
I was like, this is crazy.
I almost bought it.
There was a boob thing?
Yes, a boob candy.
No, like a boob stress ball.
That's nice, though.
That was actually just an implant.
They probably did it on purpose.
Like a little prank show.
See how many people grasp it.
They have a camera on it to see how many people will grasp it
as they walk by.
It's a video.
They actually had to delete the footage of you.
That was technically illegal to have.
I'm not going to buy it.
I'm going to take my time with it.
This guy got too into it.
Bought two of them.
Two of it?
I don't know.
She was spitting on that thing.
Brandon, you should have tried to get on the Talk To A podcast
while you was in Tennessee.
Wait, that's in Gatlinburg?
It's in Tennessee.
Is it Nashville?
Belfast.
I mean, she was in Nashville at Belfast.
I passed.
What was it, Chattanooga?
That was great.
That was the first time.
Brought back memories?
Yep.
I haven't been there since then.
As far as he can remember.
Yeah.
The Chattanooga incident of spring 24.
I'm going to Chattanooga soon.
Oh, yeah.
You got a show over there?
I am actually part of the industry
that has been invited to the Lookout Comedy Festival.
Nice.
Oh my gosh.
Look at you.
When is that?
The weekend of the 17th through the 20th of October.
Of October, all right.
A couple weeks.
This will be out, right?
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
You got anything else?
Nah.
Shenanigans.
Oh, our trailer was stolen.
Oh, yeah.
And shout out Clown College.
They contributed to our GoFundMe.
So one of the things that we do at Shenanigans,
because we're a nonprofit and we try to do good in the community,
is we had what we were calling Huntsville's free LGBTQ plus
clothing closet.
We have no clothes.
Oh, sweet baby.
We have never checked anybody's gay card.
Basically, it's just free clothes to anybody that wants it.
And we had it in an enclosed trailer that was 7 by 16.
And somebody somewhere between Friday and Saturday night
last weekend just stole it.
That's crazy.
Took advantage.
Fuck those people.
And what I think is hilarious is when they get it home
and they open it up and it's all rainbows inside.
It's literally rainbow colored inside.
Anyway, so now we're trying not to spend too much negative energy
on it and just moving forward.
So we're trying to get money together to get another vehicle.
We're looking more at box truck used, obviously,
but in the same price range as that trailer,
a used box truck instead this time.
What did Nasshole do?
Yeah, that's what I'm feeling.
From a nonprofit?
You got to be a piece of shit.
Why you tell them that truck?
What is that?
The trailer you said?
Why would you take the trailer?
A lot of times they think that there's
expensive landscaping or construction equipment
and stuff in there.
And they did get some of that because we had a portable AC
unit and a really nice inverted generator in there.
Dude, we should have got it.
And we're going to put the link in the description.
I'd appreciate that.
Yeah, and go donate a little bit to this GoFundMe.
We'll put the picture up there.
And if you see this shit, fucking call it in.
But call it in to us first so we can go beat the shit out of him.
We'll call the police.
Hell yeah, they're going to get this unit right now.
I have my suspicions.
That's to a degree of ass-whupping.
Yeah, you have your suspicions on who stole the trailer?
Yeah.
You know who it is.
Oh, I already know who it is.
Scrappy-doo stole the trailer.
Dammit, Scrappy-doo.
Dammit.
You can't keep getting away with it, man.
Freaking Scrappy-doo.
What the fuck?
He got it.
Alex, you got a lot of extra work.
Alex, you got a lot of bleeping to do this time.
Oh, yeah.
I'll do your breast milk so bad.
She was licking the table.
Yeah, she was licking my nipples.
You don't like that girl's breath?
Her breath is rowdy.
Man, I got it.
They even took a...
You don't got to smell shit that smells bad, man.
Just say, come here, Audrey.
Come here, Audrey.
What's her name?
Audrey.
Audrey, are you OK?
You don't want to come here right now.
I'll smell it later.
I'll let you know.
Also, in the comments, if you want to suggest something for me
and Brandon to do, because JJ, you're still
going to do the skydiving.
Yeah.
I mean, I think I have to now that nobody else knows.
Where do they do that?
Vynmont.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
How high is that?
I know where Vynmont is.
That sounds high as fuck.
Vynmont?
Is that near Montesano or something?
That sounds bad.
It's like 50 minutes away.
It's on the way to Vynmont.
It's near Coleman.
Mm-hmm.
There it is.
That's what?
Fly up in that area.
Yeah.
I can't even say this one.
You guys have to do some...
That's what I'm saying.
It's crazy.
That's what I'm saying.
So in the comments, suggest us something we're going to be brainstorming.
Suggest us something that me and Brandon and Alex can do the skydiving.
Me, Brandon, and Jack.
He's just got thrown into it.
Is Alex going to the skydive?
You're going to the skydive?
Oh, wow.
So I'll do that hair in the skydiving.
It's going to look majestic.
Oh, my gosh.
The dude behind is going to be pissed off.
So is the goal to find something kind of daring out there for you guys?
Cave diving.
Ooh.
Well, he can't swim.
Yeah, I'm going to die.
And it's not because he's black.
Or a cave.
I'm not the best swimmer.
I'm going to die.
Just like a regular cave?
Spelunking.
The thing is, any spelunking like normal daily tasks could terrify Brandon.
Yeah, like, fucking hiking.
He just said, go hiking.
Brandon, go order at this restaurant you've never been to.
Yeah, that actually is.
And you can't look at the menu.
Go back to the Jamaican restaurant that they hate you at.
They hate you?
Well, they don't hate me, but they embarrassed me, man.
It was so bad.
It was horrible.
Because I came in there broke.
Well, I wasn't broke.
My car didn't work, and they just kept on.
I was like, they made a whole scene.
No.
I kept on putting it in.
It was declining.
I'm like, oh, man.
I'm going to go home and try to get my money back on there.
He's like, no, no, man.
You already holding up the line.
You might as well just take it.
And I'm like, no, no, man.
Where the hell was this at, Brandon?
Yeah, that's some shit.
Call them out.
MK?
Not MK.
It was called.
What the fuck are you scared of?
You know what the fuck it is?
It's called Island Jerk.
Island Jerk?
Yeah.
Fuck them.
Years ago, I was in there, man.
And then it was bad.
And then one old dude was like, you know what?
I'll pay for you, bro.
For real?
He paid for me.
Shout out that guy.
Shout out that old guy.
Yeah, but I hated that.
And Island Jerk can go to hell.
Yeah.
That's some shit just embarrassing somebody like that.
It might be, yeah.
I don't know.
It was years ago.
That's why I was like, I'll hold it,
because it could be new management.
But damn.
I'll get her in a second.
All right, well, that's it for us today.
I think she's scared of Alex.
Well, yeah, you missed it.
She did, bro.
JJ, whenever Alex first got here, you missed it.
Because Alex was saying he came by to let her go to the bathroom.
And she froze and wouldn't go near him.
She was like, this is it.
He texted me.
She was like, she's good.
She's just looking at me.
She won't move.
I don't think I'm allowed to say their names on the podcast.
But you guys raised a racist-ass dog.
And that's fucked up, dude.
After we've been so kind to your people.
All right, we're out.
Thanks so much, Kev, for coming by.
Thanks for having me, guys.
Hell, yeah, it's been a great walk.
Peace.
What's up, I am
I fucking hate Scrappy dude.