This week on Clown College.
How do you think Brandon Willis will do?
I think Brandon is going to be a dark horse in this thing.
I know Brandon comes off as wholesome, but that's a mad scientist right there.
I think he's actually going to do a lot better than...
I think he's going to be the top clown at Clown College, I can tell you that.
And I mean that shit wholeheartedly.
We are excited because we have a fantastic show for you.
But we're going to use the
key call.
We kind of got to have some clowns.
Y'all get loud around the stage.
Your host at the Clown College County Podcast.
We'll figure out how to sit down in a minute.
How y'all doing?
It's your man again.
Y'all ready to have some fun tonight?
Fuck yeah, man.
Give it up for the killer clown, clown, clown college live show.
It's just our show.
What do you mean it's our show?
We're learning.
Hell yeah, guys.
Thank you for coming out tonight.
I'm so glad we packed the room out.
It would be so awkward if it was half empty.
That would be so weird.
All right, so if you're not...
Clap your hands if you've ever seen the podcast before.
Okay, okay.
Notice my coworker is not clapping.
That's so fucked up, dude.
I don't blame you, man.
Refrain.
So to get everybody familiar with this, what we're going to do, we're going to play a little game.
And since you guys came out to support us, we want to give back a little bit.
So it'll be cash prizes.
So we're going to play a clip that's called Who Said That?
So it's going to be right here.
It's going to be a phrase, right?
A sentence.
And you're going to just guess which one of us said it.
You don't know us that well, but you know, this is going to be fun.
All right, y'all ready to do that?
All right.
So Brandon, here is your mic, sir.
Thank you.
And Dom, you got your money ready?
So what we're going to do, guys, if you'll get out those green tickets you got when you came in tonight,
we're going to do it by ticket draw.
So if we call on you and you have that number, they will come to you first.
If you get the question right, you get five bucks.
If you get it wrong, then the next person will get your five bucks and their five bucks.
So it accumulates if we have wrong answers.
All right?
So our first contestant is ticket number 616-225.
Who are we at?
616-225.
Mike Sales.
All right, Mike Sales, can you tell us who said, I saw his dick?
JJ.
All right, let's see.
Who is he fighting, right?
Is that Seth Rollins?
Seth freaking Rollins.
Is he good?
Oh, hell yeah, man.
He's amazing.
I saw his dick.
Did you see it there?
I did.
It was like, great.
I'm a big wrestling fan, brother.
He said, we'll see it afterwards.
Oh, yes, Mike is right.
It was JJ.
It was respectable.
It was a good start.
Next contestant is ticket number 616-236.
616-236.
Oh, shit.
Hold up.
Let's get over there.
Go that way.
So the next question is, which clown said, you're going to get stopped getting raped by
Pete Diddy?
Yeah, so who said that they're going to get raped by Pete Diddy?
Oh, that dude.
Dom.
Dom?
Let's see.
Man, I remember hearing this one story where, oh, Diddy's going to come down.
This was before the allegations.
And they were like, Pete Diddy's going to come down on the tour bus, and he's going to have
some of the students get on the bus.
And I was like, damn, man, that's fucked up, man, because it's already hard enough to pull
a girl in these streets.
But now he's going to come in here and take all of them.
And they said, oh, no, he's coming for the dudes.
And I was like, oh.
What?
You missed the Pete Diddy tryouts?
I was getting on that bus.
Man, I just knew something was going to happen.
Brandon, but you would have got on the bus.
Oh, dude, I don't know what would have happened if they would have said get on the bus.
It would have been minimal convincing.
I probably would have got on the bus.
I'm just saying.
The cops wouldn't be for that one.
And the bus.
No.
You're going to be stuck getting raped by Pete Diddy.
It was, in fact, Brandon.
So that five bucks goes on.
So this next question is worth 10, and it's taken number 616154.
616154.
It's me.
Elise.
All right, Elise.
What's your name?
Elise.
Oh, yeah.
All right, so Elise, which clown said, I bargoyle shit?
So the choices are Brandon, Dom, or JJ.
JJ's a little onstage.
That's Brandon.
That's Dom.
That's JJ.
JJ.
All right.
She thinks JJ said.
You know gargoyle.
I gargoyle shit.
Yeah, it does.
Okay, go.
You got to listen to this.
What is gargoyle?
Dude, it's when you get, you put the toilet lid and the seat up.
It's just a rim of an actual toilet bowl.
And you just get up there, man.
You purge up and break that shit.
What?
Yeah.
It's a stand for this.
Where's the difference?
Sneakers.
Oh!
If it's my toilet, are you crazy?
So the answer was JJ.
Elise wins.
Just try it.
No.
That's disgusting.
I would break myself in the toilet.
All right, 616234.
Oh!
What's your name?
Which one said he has a slave face?
Oh!
Dom.
It means Dom.
Hope says Dom.
Hope it wasn't me.
Should you tell AJ what you call him to pick?
Oh, wait, you're talking about slave faces?
He does have a very slave face.
What I'm saying is, he's a slave.
He's a slave.
What I'm saying is how the temples protrude.
Right?
The cheekbones temple.
Exactly.
And it's giving, you know what I'm saying?
He lives outside.
Maybe he has short capri pants on that are weathered at the bottom.
His name isn't helping.
And his name is Jeremiah Cotton.
He's funny, dude.
I love Jeremiah.
But he does have a slave face.
I won't be in my room staring at my face.
I won't stand here and not stand.
It wasn't me.
Don.
Congratulations, Hope, for knowing Don so well.
Good job.
616-233.
There we go.
All right.
You have to decide.
My name is JJ.
There's an only dog.
There's a dog.
There can only be one.
Get her.
She asked him decide which clown said who got scared the first time they masturbated.
He didn't know it was him actually.
He just started imagining it.
What happened the first time you busted in that?
I've been wondering this all day.
I'm glad someone asked.
Well, since it's on the table, the first day I did this I got scared.
When I was a kid I didn't know shit.
Were you confused that your tongue wasn't black?
It was actually brand new.
So your five bucks goes to the next one.
This one's worth ten and the contestant is 616-241.
What's your name?
Me.
Alright, let's see.
Which clown said sex, sexual routines, normal stuff like the ass and sometimes the penis?
Oh, JJ!
What the fuck?
A lot of weird stuff like that.
I found out one boogie was telling me they got airplanes.
People would have airplanes.
What?
What do you mean?
That was 9-11.
They would get out of people dressing up in airplanes, painted, looking like all this and stuff.
Doing weird sexual activities.
What are they doing?
Sex.
I don't know, they just, like, sexual routines, normal stuff like ass and sometimes the front.
Normal stuff like ass and sometimes the penis.
So that was in these branches.
So the next question is what, 15?
Alright, 15 for ticket number 616-231.
It's Mason.
Hey, Mason!
Mason, which clown said I believe white people start a Christianity in Islam both?
Dom Kaur.
He says Dom Kaur.
Dr. Umar Johnson.
Yeah, I said I love Dr. Umar.
I'm like a white Dr. Umar Johnson.
So you're saying you don't like black people.
I believe that white people started Christianity in Islam both.
So it was actually JJ.
So the next one is 20, right?
$20.
616-240.
Alright.
Lauren.
Which clown said hand job until completion?
Brandon.
She said it quickly too.
Do you know what I'm saying?
She said it real fast.
She said Brandon.
No, it was good.
Let's see.
You want a big angle, man?
I love them.
You like them too?
I mean, they're alright.
I mean, to start it off, imagine if you're two are sitting.
I'm talking about hand job until completion.
I don't want you to ever say those words again.
It was actually Dom.
So the next person gets 25 bucks.
There's a difference between special ed and special needs.
The ticket is 616-227.
Back there in your bag.
Cause I bring it on.
For $25, which clown said that?
We're going to go with JJ.
JJ.
You guys are starting to hurt my feelings.
JJ.
The whole day I just walked around people like, you went special?
Stay on that.
Hold on.
Did he say special needs?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You crossed the line.
No, no.
What was it?
Special ed.
I'm not special ed.
I'm never special ed.
No, they're not.
There's a difference.
I'm sorry.
I'm not special ed.
It's like a little bit of some learning disability.
Like you need a little bit of extra time.
Or be of mind.
What is that?
Like you got a little, I mean, somebody got dyslexia.
A little bit autistic.
Or, yeah, you're just struggling a little bit, but special needs.
Yeah, what's special needs?
Is what everybody thinks that special ed is.
So that is actually brand, huh?
I'm trying to remember how many of you guys left.
Oh, we got another one worth 30 bucks.
Oh, man.
To ticket number 616237.
616237.
All right, JJ's coworker.
All right, the question is who said I wrestled a special needs person?
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, who do you think said that?
I think it's that person.
I don't know.
I feel like idiot.
You're not wrong about that.
You're very intuitive.
It could have been any of the three.
Brandon.
She said Brandon.
I wrestled a special needs person.
So they were mixing the shit out of you, didn't they?
And I say, they didn't have a person for me to wrestle.
And I was the best dude on the team.
I was like, just give me anybody.
And they were like, well, this dude from JV.
And it was clearly something was wrong with him, you know?
And I could have went easy on him, but I beat him like 15 seconds.
I just sat down and pinned him.
He needed to, I think you should do that.
They should all be treated the same.
Everyone should be treated the same.
And why did you say they?
That was dumb.
That was it.
So you keep that 30, dumb.
How does that go until the next round?
All right.
So we're going to do a second part to this, and it's called What Comes Next.
So it's a clip, and we're going to stop the clip.
And you have to guess.
It's multiple choice.
You have three guesses.
You have to guess what the next thing out of that person's mouth is.
So these are worth $10 each.
So this first question is worth $40.
All right.
So let's see.
It's going to be ticket number 616229.
Oh, shit.
Hell yeah.
Hold up.
What's your name?
Matthew.
All right.
Matthew.
I need help catching a predator.
I have a suggestion.
How about whenever he gets here to make sure he doesn't do it again?
So the question is, what does Dom want to do to the predator?
Is it A, kill him, B, let him have Brandon, or C, brand his dick?
Which three is it?
Which one?
A, B, or C?
C.
C?
Yeah, C.
All right.
He brand his dick.
$40.
Why don't they do that?
I think you're on to something, though.
I think I do.
All right.
So we're back to $10.
But hey, $10 is nothing to sneeze at.
And if you're too rich to appreciate $10, we take donations.
All right.
616235.
There we go.
Oh, shit.
Hey, what's your name, man?
No.
You raised your hand.
You know me.
Why was you like that?
I didn't know that whole line.
Savannah.
All right, Savannah.
Don't you hate when you go down on a big girl and you can't tell if you got her off her?
All right, so don't you hate when you go down on a big girl and A, you accidentally, well,
he actually said, and you can't tell if you got her off, as went down before that.
So don't you hate when you go down on a big girl, you can't tell if you got her off because
A, you accidentally bought into a heat bump, B, you suffocate, or C, you lose hearing.
Now, this is our friend, Over.
Over right here.
What do you think came out of his crazy ass mouth?
B.
You actually bit into a heat bump.
That's so nasty.
A heat bump.
I just want you to have a look at Brandon's eyes.
All right, so Savannah doesn't win, so $20 to the next question.
All right, this is the table number, let's see, 616238.
Oh, shit.
Hell yeah, what's your name?
Lucas.
All right, Lucas.
I recently found out, I fucking found out, I real love you.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Neither does my father.
Kidnapped his child, not even adopted.
I should have known.
Kids in school always make fun of me.
All right, so the question is why do kids make fun of sci-fi?
Was it because A, he's black, B, his parents were nancies, or C, his parents were Korean?
The answer is A.
He's from Mississippi.
Lucas say A?
Yes, A.
He's six.
Teddy Teddy, why are your parents Korean?
So that was wrong, so the next one, we're at 20 bucks.
And we got contestant number 616203.
Brandon.
All right, what is your name?
Joy.
What's next?
Yes, Joy.
What are you doing on May 17th?
Oh, boy.
So what was JJ doing on May 17th?
A, trimming his mustache, B, not touching kids, or C, the Trump rally?
A Trump rally.
A, trimming his mustache.
Not touching kids.
Good on you, JJ.
I'm a contestant, and I never have.
I think we got one more.
So this will be contestant number 616223.
There we go.
That's a $40.
40 bucks.
What's his name?
My name is Tyler, and if I can answer this question, it's Brandon's uncle.
Thank you.
He's like Robin from Howard Stern.
That's you, ain't it?
Who is Robin?
Let me see who Robin is.
Look at Robin, bro.
It's Howard Stern's second mic.
Did I mean to say that you look like a black woman?
Kind of.
I did kind of mean that.
I mean, I do, actually.
When I had that wig on, I said Robert.
Oh, you said Robin.
I don't want to save that picture, because then you said, I do look like a person.
Hold on, let me say it again.
It's a white name.
What kind of man does Brandon think he looks like?
Is it Robert DeMiro, Robert Pattinson, or Robert Downey Jr.?
I've watched every episode.
I've seen it back in the archives, but I believe it's the middle person, Robert Pattinson.
Robert Pattinson?
Well, it's actually Pattinson.
Thank you, Tim.
Somebody make an error.
We'll know what the middle guy.
It's Robert Pattinson.
Oh, no.
Tyler wins.
He said, I do look like him.
I'm looking off in the universe.
I'm going to work it out.
Brandon, you do not look like this nigga, bro.
He's insane.
You're robbing me.
So that's how we play What Comes Next.
Thank you all for playing.
We appreciate you.
As you can tell, we're pretty smart guys.
I'm a scholar, if you don't believe me.
We got to stop drinking and saying shit on the internet.
Yeah, it's true.
We could come back to haunt us a little bit.
Maybe.
You think you're smart?
Yeah, I know I'm smart.
You guys are dumbasses.
I have empirical evidence to prove it.
Uh oh.
You're like, oh shit.
Shit, we got crap.
You need me to bust them out there?
You can't.
You feel like WT.
You can't.
You feel like WT.
You just make it black and white.
Dante of. I do believe in miracles. Dante's gonna surprise us all as he usually does.
And blow us out the wall. He can sing, he can rap, he can dance, he can freestyle.
And he makes people laugh when he don't expect it to.
I don't know if I'm gonna bathe or not.
I think she'll do good because of her profession. I think those professions helped her not like
the test. I think I already scored the highest. I think I've scored what's the highest you can
score on this. I don't even matter. I think I scored the highest. 200.
Franny Cagle.
I think she's gonna do good. She's part of the whole kitchen, living room, living room.
And she's gonna tell us something.
Who do I think will score the highest? Honestly, Van.
JP?
Yes, JP. Smart dude.
Who do you think will score the highest on this guy's test?
I'm going with Jay. Jay Jay?
No. Jay.
Van. Yeah, Van. Yeah. He's from the north.
How do you think Jay Jay will paint?
Respectably. I don't think it'll be offensively good or bad. I think it'll be
aggressive with marginal.
How do you think Charlie Fisher will do?
Charlie Fisher. I think that he got lower than he wanted, but I still think he got about 105.
How do you think the long far will do?
Well, he put on glasses today. So that raises a more than a key point. Otherwise, I see it.
Do you want a number? Sure.
Okay. All right. I'm putting Dom at one. Actually, actually 120. I'll put Dom at 120.
All right. We're not using this foot.
Nick says, who do you think will score the highest on this guy's test?
I think JJ Payton will score the highest.
He just got out of college. You know, he's still fresh.
That's fair.
Who do you think will score the lowest?
Probably Jay Jay. I think. There's no way his hair is that curly if he's smart. You know what I mean?
You've seen his facial hair. It's so patchy. There's no way he has a college degree. I don't believe it.
Who do you think will score the highest on this IQ test?
I believe that it is Jay. Jay Vat.
Who do you think will score the lowest?
Dom.
Who do you think will score the highest on this IQ test?
Me. I'm fucked if I dump all my jokes and Johnny being better than I want. So I'll be a hack.
If this doesn't work out.
Lastly, who do you think Jay Vat will be?
Jay Vat. I think he's a great singer. He's a comedian. But is he a scholar? I doubt it.
Who do you think will score the highest?
That could also be either me. No, no, no. It's not going to be me.
It's going to be a two way tie between Dante and Dom. Dante and Dom.
Who do you think will score the lowest?
I think the person who will score the lowest is Mike.
Who?
I think the person who will score the lowest.
The lowest score could possibly be me.
I don't know about me. I can't say Dante because he's in college. Is he a guy?
He's cool. Dante now?
I don't know who he's going to be. I think it's me.
Who do you think will make sales?
Probably decent average businessman.
Who do you think will score the lowest?
Oh, Dom Carter. I don't think I need to explain that.
Who do you think will score the lowest?
I know this without a doubt. It's Brandon Willis.
That's either concern in his face.
I see that as a sign that he might be mentally challenged.
Who do you think will score the lowest?
I'm going to have to go with Brandon.
Not because I think he's any dumber. I see him over thinking every single one of those questions.
He's probably got story for every question too.
Who do you think will score the lowest?
I'm sorry I have to do this because he's like one of my closest friends, Brandon.
That's just because I know him the best.
I have to see him messed up. I'm like, oh snap, I should have got that thing.
I'm not saying he's dumb. I'm just saying he's probably overlooking something.
I'm like, oh, dang.
Who do you think will score the lowest?
I think Brandon is going to be a dark horse in this thing.
I know Brandon comes off as wholesome, but that's a mad scientist right there.
I think he's going to be the top clown at clownphilology.
I can tell you that.
And I mean that shit wholeheartedly.
Alright.
We've got some revealing to do because I'll tell you guys this.
Nobody knows the results of this but me.
We're all scared.
What?
I said we're all scared.
So,
So here's the thing.
They know their own individual score.
They just don't know how the other people scored and how they rank among the others.
So, the question is, are you smarter than a clown?
Now then, the way we're going to reveal this is we have several, five of the people that took the test are not present tonight.
So, we're just going to go ahead and put these guys on the line.
So, we're displaying it like this.
We've got a number line.
And the first ones that you're going to see, the first four are people that aren't here tonight.
Alright, so the people that guessed that JVAP will get the highest, they were right.
Alright, so we're in.
Alright, who's right now?
Hey, sorry, I was told you weren't going to be here.
So, blame it on Don.
But anyway, hey, look at there, Ren.
So then, the next, if you'll notice, third from the left is a V because two people tied in spots three and four is a tie.
Alright, so, my question, I'm just curious, clown call is comedy.
The next person I'm going to reveal is Dante.
Where do you think Dante is going to be on that continuum?
I'll say that way.
Uh oh.
There are two that score more than Dante.
Alright, now we're going to talk to the people that aren't here tonight.
Can we get sci-fi to come on up here?
Right here, sci-fi.
Now, sci-fi, you know the rule, like you can't touch my back wall there, but I want you to go up there and kind of stand where you think you are going to be on that line.
I thought I was going to be here.
If God is kind, somewhere in there.
If God is kind.
Sci-fi, you are right there.
Alright, Mike Sales is in the house, everybody.
Give it up for Mike Sales.
Mike, come on up for a second.
Also known as Tim Stacks, if you need a fade or a line up, you all need to go see him at the Presidential Barbershop.
Mike Sales, where on the line do you think you're going to fall?
Second from the end.
Oh, boy.
So, ladies and gentlemen, y'all give it up for Mike Sales.
Mike is going to be coming.
So that leaves our clowns.
We've got three clowns and three spies.
So, JJ Payton, tell me where do you think you fall on this continuum?
I'm up in over there.
You think you're between me and the other guys?
I might end it all if I'm not.
Alright, can I get a drum roll?
There he is.
Alright, Don Karr.
I need counseling after this.
I'm one ahead of the last.
So you think you're not the last?
Yeah, please, Cam, please.
Please, Cam, I'm not the last.
Alright, ladies and gentlemen, Don Karr.
And then there's Brandon, our lovely Brandon.
Now he has a thing.
But I'm going to show you guys some numbers because there's not an unintelligent person on this entire chart.
Look at those numbers.
So, take a reference.
If you're not aware, they consider 100 average.
So everybody on the continuum is above average.
Do you want to give it up for our audience?
Now, here's the thing.
We have them, and you kind of saw this in the video, we have them all guess how everyone else is going to do with a number.
And I tabulated all the numbers and we have one person that got the closest and that person is going to get 50 bucks.
So, do you want to know who got the closest?
Alright, I need a drum roll for this one.
It's Syfy!
Come get your 50 bucks, baby boy.
Brandon's got two million.
I'm too old to buy these things out.
We shouldn't have did this.
I'm pretty sure it was your idea, though.
It was.
Well, that's how you're going to argue smarter than a clown.
You guys having fun?
I need to hear from y'all.
I need to know how you're feeling right now.
I feel great.
This couldn't have gone any better.
I am in shock right now.
Nobody else is.
Don, tell me, express yourself, tell us what you're in shock about specifically.
So, I thought, well, you know, one away and I'll clearly be in the middle.
And then, what really hurts is that downtown mic sells.
I'm like three nights with a bus.
I have to rethink what I'm doing with my life.
That shit should be.
Brandon, how are you feeling?
I'm not going to lie.
This whole time, I thought that I was going to be probably the top two.
Now, I'm the damn last one.
Damn, I didn't know they were going to get that high.
I'm as smart as hell.
Baby, you're that smart?
What the fuck is going on here?
She brought a whole ass computer in there.
What kind of degree do you have?
Do you want to answer that, Brandon?
No degree.
She had me in one.
Yeah, I think that's JJ.
My degree is in history, so it doesn't really count.
I'm not using it.
The audience is going to say that's true.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the second half of our show.
Can we get a round of applause for the first half?
All right.
Let's see, Dom, you want to tell the folks what we're about to do?
It probably helps if I unmute you with your mics.
There we go.
All right, so for the second half, we're going to do a little stand-up comedy.
First, we're going to have one feature comedian, and then after that,
we're going to have bucket full spots.
We'll pull it out.
They get three minutes.
After their three minutes, we'll talk to them for a little bit,
and then we'll spin the wheel.
Kim has us a lot of gross shit that we have to do if it lands on us.
It's going to land on them.
It just depends on which one of them.
Yeah, yeah, which one.
So you guys ready?
Yeah.
I'm smart.
I promise I'm smart.
All right, for your featured stand-up comedian of the night,
you can see him all around the Southeast.
He's a cool guy.
He was a Marine.
You won't believe it, though, guys.
Please welcome to the stage Mr. Dan Price.
Hey, Dan.
Thank you.
All right.
It's a Marine.
Okay, we got it now.
We're good.
It's working.
Hey, thanks, guys, for having me up here.
Great to see you guys tonight.
Everybody came out.
This is awesome.
Fuck Bama.
We're doing what really matters here tonight.
It's a busy world, so before we get down to the comedy,
I want to start with the news just to keep everybody informed.
Let's go over a couple of news headlines that are affecting the world today.
These are all true news stories.
An ailing bald eagle was released this week in Missouri after wildlife rescuers determined
the bird was not ill but instead had overeaten and was too fat to fly,
demonstrating once again why the bald eagle is America's mascot.
The U.S. Postal Service announced a plan to save $3 billion by slowing service to some rural locations.
Alabamians were outraged when they heard the news sometime next week.
Yeah, all right.
The rapper Fat Man Scoop collapsed on stage during a show in Connecticut last night
and later died at the age of 53.
In a related story, I feel fine.
The much-loved beluga whale named Valdimir that captured the public's attention
when it appeared in Norway wearing a spy camera rig assumed to be part of a covert Russian intelligence operation
was found dead this morning in a Norwegian harbor.
When asked for a comment, local officials shrugged and said, fishes get stitches.
And that's the news for this Saturday night.
Oh man, this is awesome. This is big city stuff here.
A live podcast recording. I love being in a big city.
When I was 12 years old, my parents moved us away from a big city.
We lived in New Orleans and my dad was tired of the crime and the traffic
and my mom was tired of public school.
We were conservative Christian in the 1980s. Public school was where all the danger lied.
It was all the gangs and drugs and liberals.
So they moved us out, moved us to Mississippi, to this tiny little town just out in the sticks in Mississippi.
Such a contrast to here. We were way up, like way, way up.
A little town called Ozona, Mississippi. Anybody heard of it?
There's a Biloxi guy in here. He's like literally an hour drive away.
Anybody heard of it? I know. It's a tiny little place.
It was the kind of place that had our closest point of actual civilization was one gas station.
Anybody ever lived in a place like that? Just that one country gas station
where you can get everything you need but nothing you really want.
You know what it is? Places. And most of the stuff you buy is outside.
You fill it up with gas, but you can get propane and ice and firewood
and a whole barbeque chicken right next to the gas pumps on an open flame.
I don't know how that's legal. Fireworks. Fireworks in a gas station.
The Mississippi coat of arms, the motto is vertute et harmis,
which is a Latin phrase that means we sell fireworks in gas stations.
Contri, man. It was so Contri out there. I thought Hunt Brothers was a real pizza place.
You know what I mean? Like Contri. Way out there.
It was weird, man. We'd have to ride our bicycles like 10 miles to get to the store,
but we would go because there was shit else to do. There was nothing else happening.
I remember the day I was sitting out there. We were drinking peach knee high
or whatever bullshit I drank when I was 13.
We were on Mississippi. That was a treat, man. Paid all in nickels. I remember.
Dude, I remember this day. This Humvee drives up and these two Army National Guard guys get out
and they're lost. They have no idea where they are. They're out of gas.
Apparently, they lost half their uniform. They're just sweating through their t-shirts.
And it was like if you were 13 in that tiny little town at that time,
it was like seeing G.I. Joe in real life. It was awesome.
I knew right then. I was like, this is my ticket out of this small town.
I'm going to join the military, see the world. Joke was on me.
I joined the military. The first place they sent me, Fort Sill, Oklahoma.
Just a whole other Mississippi right there.
In fact, that's where we sent the people we kicked out of Mississippi
so we could take Mississippi. I just joined them over in Oklahoma.
Then 29 Palms, California. The Mississippi of California.
And then Iraq, which is the Mississippi of the rest of the world.
And I remember this day we were delivering hospital supplies to this little town called Heat
in the Al Anbar province. And there was this little dirty kid who reminded me of me when I was 13.
No, I mean like a dirty kid. Like covered in dirt. Didn't have flip flops.
He was just barefoot, shorts, ratty t-shirt. He was looking at me with that look
that I understood what he was thinking. He was like, one day I will join the military
and I will get out of this little town. And I think he's about 25 now.
So what I'm saying is he's on the way.
Unless he followed my track in life, in which case he's probably in the international brigade
in Ukraine looking around thinking, shit, this place is just the Iraq of Europe.
Alright, my name is Dan Price and my time is up. Thank you everybody.
Dan Price everybody.
Do you want to chat with Dan or is he done?
Are y'all chatting with Dan?
We're chatting with Dan.
We're chatting a little bit.
Chat with Dan.
In a second.
And Dan just has been the wheel, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you describe the child as dirty, what exactly does that entail?
I mean, he's covered head to toe in dust. Like I was when I was 12 or 13 years old.
Yeah, just a kid who hadn't had a bath in a long time.
You said this is in Mississippi?
That's where the show starts.
And by this point in the story, we're in Iraq.
Oh, well, it's not Iraq.
In other words, no, it's the Mississippi of the rest of the world.
Dan, you want to spin the wheel for him?
Yeah, I'll spin the wheel.
B-J-W.
Fuck.
All right, so here we go.
Oh, thank God.
You were clapping about that?
Thank God.
He did.
Thank God to smooth us off.
All right, so the way this works, Brandon, go spin the wheel until you reach either Dom or JJ, and then that person will take off their sock.
I didn't put any powder on today either.
They will take off their sock, and then you have to put that sock to your nose and sniff it for five seconds and then describe it to the rest of the crowd.
Oh, I got it again.
JJ.
JJ's just glad that he didn't get this one.
All right, now when you put it up to your nose, I'll start.
Five, four, three, two, one.
All right, now be very descriptive and tell us what you experienced.
I want to tell you this is a very clean man.
Damn, it smelled like you ever sat in a car and it didn't smell bad, but it actually smelled good.
That's what it smelled like.
You got a new car smell feet there.
Ladies.
Was it like a Honda or?
Maybe like a 96, huh?
Now give it up for JJ, his 96 Honda smell feet.
And for Brandon for completing the wheel with the crown on.
Everybody give him one more time for Dan Price.
All right, who you pulling?
Time for a bucket pull.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are in for a real treat.
Please give it up for Charles Good.
Charles, Charles, Charles.
Real quick before Charles starts, we forgot to tell you that the best set of the night for the bucket pulls is getting $100 cash.
As voted on by you, the audience, so pay attention.
All right, howdy everybody. Y'all doing all right?
So who in here hates short people?
Raise your hand. Yeah.
One, two, all right, a few in the back. Nice.
So we got like four and a lot of liars, which is OK.
I love to lie. My favorite lie to tell is come on down to the stand up show and you'll see me do really well.
Ouch.
Right. Yeah, I'm pretty short.
I'm taller than y'all right now.
I know you hate me, but I know there's a lot of cash in this room because they were giving some out.
Pretty sneaky.
I want to get you.
Who got the luck?
I think it was you got a lot of money.
I'll get that.
I'm actually I don't like alcohol too much. Is that just me?
Yeah, it is.
That's a pretty good beverage.
But I was actually talking to talking to some of my friends the other day and they all said they didn't like it because it tasted too much like piss.
And I said, guys, you got to stop drinking piss.
All right. I mean, I know they say alcohol is an acquired taste, but at least it gets you fucked up.
If you drink piss and you don't like it, stop.
Do not acquire that taste.
Not good. Take it from me. It's not good.
Listen, I don't know.
But I don't know. It's not even the taste for me. It's actually like when I drink it, I get all angry and confused.
You already have that. It's called being a gay Christian.
I just bottle it up and throw it in the closet.
All right. But somebody actually asked me after I told that joke one time.
If I was a gay Christian, so I want to clear the air.
I'm agnostic.
Yeah. So I actually I love talking on the phone because you can get naked doing it.
Oh, I'm not saying I get naked every time I talk on the phone.
Like I don't like schedule an oil change and strip down on doing it.
I get it. I need an oil change.
I need an oil change.
Can I come with a tire rotation?
All right. Yeah, Charles.
Charles, you have the flattest ass I've ever seen in my entire life.
I have big jeans.
Don't think that's it.
And also there are there's a certain group of piss drinking enthusiasts.
They're called meth addicts.
I didn't say I wasn't.
Recreation.
It's all about the style, man.
It's so awkward, but it works in the right way.
Yeah. And then one time I'd open my head.
There was this this guy, white guy, he said he said nigga on stage, right?
I know I didn't.
So like it like it like it like killed the whole room.
And then Charles went up right after him and face planted on the stage harder than I've ever seen anybody fall before my life.
It was beautiful.
I'm glad you enjoy this.
You did it again just now.
I just didn't say it into the mic.
Was that part of the show? Did you literally slip and bust your ass right there?
Well, you remember from the start I said I was short.
So you tried to make it.
You raised this bill.
Oh, yeah.
It's been a real good.
Oh, yeah.
Come up with a spicy sardine.
Yeah.
He suddenly flooded with thoughts of his ex wife.
How was that?
Really?
I put it in my mouth so softly.
Everybody.
Next.
What's up, everybody?
I'm Mason.
Oh, my God.
Comedy is so much fun about a throw up right now.
Oh, man.
I just thought it's so funny.
What's in the cup?
Brandon?
What's up?
This one?
The Mesa jar.
Is it cool?
Oh, it's close to cool.
It's called the high hurricane.
High hurricane.
Yeah.
Okay.
Like nine percent.
Okay.
I like how it goes.
I like that.
Cool.
A four local monster and four local.
Which has been fitting.
So let's see.
I was born up in Indiana.
Right.
And yeah.
A wider world.
And so my mom moved us down to Alabama because of racism.
Right.
She wanted more.
It doesn't make sense.
She said that she wanted more.
You would think so.
But the people are smarter up north, I think.
Not to hate on anybody down here down south.
But we were learning how to read a clock in first grade.
I came down here and nobody knew how to read the hands on the clock.
And nobody was, or ever was, sorry.
This is so fucking cool.
It's my birthday weekend.
Y'all give it up for Brandon.
I'm the fucking youngest comedian in the house, feels like.
But I come out here.
I fucking get up on stage.
Give it up.
Give a hand for everybody else that just came up here on stage.
It's not easy.
But I'm very grateful my mom came out to support me tonight, y'all.
For my beautiful mother.
She's the reason why I do this.
Yeah.
She got with the black man.
I didn't find that out until later on in life.
And I was like, oh shit.
Because she didn't let me say the A word in the house.
I had to learn.
Thank you.
Growing up having black and half white was fun because black culture is really cool.
But when you're not grown up in it, it's kind of hard to figure out.
You know what I'm saying?
What's going on?
Like for example, sorry.
Fuck you.
Blacking out right now.
Thank you.
Growing up mixed is fun because like I said, you have to learn how to say the N word to fit in.
And I'm going to just end with this.
The first time I had fried chicken was at Golda Corral.
Oh yeah.
Amazing.
All right, Mason.
Two things.
The sweater.
Did you take that off Cosby before or after?
Before.
And then the second thing.
I actually met your mom for the first time tonight.
She's great.
Thank you for coming out.
Thank you.
You said you learned you were half black.
How old were you?
Your mom got with black men.
When did you learn that?
Probably around like nine.
Okay.
Your mom's white.
Yeah man, like when you're going out in public, you know, my mom never hit me growing up because like the image of a white woman hitting a black child in public is just a little bit too much to bear for some people.
Okay, we unlocked a lot right there.
I was mostly referring to the fact that you're mixed.
Yes.
Just by like, you know, in the seventh grade biology, they show you this thing called a Punnett Square.
Yes.
Just like biology, you know.
Like I knew I was half black, but like actually putting like connecting the dots in my head was like a different story.
You know what I mean?
Like I didn't like when Michael Jackson died, I didn't find out until like 2012.
And then when I found out, I was devastated.
It's almost like when I found out that I'm not.
No, I'm just kidding.
I love being black.
I was mostly Native American.
Do you say n***a now?
Oh, yeah.
We're both the same, right?
Half black, half German.
So we say s*** like mine, n***a.
Let's say who starts from the chest.
Alright.
Should have said that.
Alright, you ready to spin this little n***a sir?
Don.
Hold hands, hold hands.
Alright, it's more for our next Don.
It's the sinus cleanser.
You got this Don.
You can do this Don.
Yeah baby.
Follow it.
Hold on.
I'm about to get it off the base.
Hell yeah.
The one, the only, Mike Sands.
Man, he just kept shitting out.
I don't know what I'm about to do.
Shouts out to Mason up.
How many 90 babies out here tonight?
How many 80s babies?
I grew up in the 80s.
The 80s was the era for me.
I used to get on stage with hip hop, MTV, BET.
Y'all remember those challenge, right?
Yeah.
Watching the big booty TVs.
Y'all remember the big booty TVs?
Hell yeah.
They called it a heavy set.
Hell yeah.
Meanwhile, I'm in my parents' house, my backyard.
Women like the mother flubby.
Y'all know what a women is, right?
Y'all seen the Olympics?
What the hell was that?
But anyway, me and my girl, we used to be in the backyard.
I used to always practice breakdancing.
I was a part of a group, North Alabama Breakdance Group.
I'm in the backyard getting ready for a beef.
We used to go to the skating rink.
We went to the skating rink.
Skating rink time was from 8 to 11.
We did the skating rink.
After 11, yeah, that's when the beef started.
I was the man in my neighborhood for breakdancing.
Whenever beef went on, they came and got me.
I was the shit.
My mom, she took care of me.
She bought all my breakdance clothes,
parachute pants, slippers.
You know, you're by the Velcro,
slipper shoes, you know what I'm saying?
With the Velcro too strapped.
You're in the having room when you breakdance.
But anyway, I'm in the backyard getting my shit together
for the skating rink.
We had skating rink tonight, right?
I'm chilling. I'm talking to my girl.
I look over to the left.
I said, dude, I balled the hell out of him.
Then he just did this shit.
Ooh.
I said, damn.
I told my girl, I said, I think she's going to beat me.
My girl, she popped like, she was looking at me like,
I think you're going to beat me.
So I'm chilling.
I'm like, damn, I look over to her again.
Five seconds later, it's three more guys over there.
That's some girls.
They're all looking at me doing this shit.
I got beef or something.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, all of them just started
walking like...
And one guy broke off from all of them got in my face,
he's like, you like the shit you did last week?
Yeah.
Talk about mama.
Shit.
I don't know what he was doing, but I got something for you.
He did this shit right here and threw a wave.
What he did was he threw it to a random dude across the room.
The dude across the room caught the wave like this.
I don't know you.
I don't give a fuck about you.
That's it, I guess.
Mike Stills, everybody.
I'm tired of this shit right now.
That's some aerobics.
What did you say?
That was some aerobics.
That was aerobics?
Yeah, you should be able to hear it.
I said wax on, wax off.
Hey, what wax on?
What wax on, wax off?
That's wax on, wax off.
I don't know about that.
You said wax on, wax off.
Yeah, I said wax on, wax off.
Well, they wax on, wax off.
Yeah, you're good like a dolphin.
I gotta get it, man.
You build like, you ever see happy feet?
You build like one of those penguins and they're with rape dance and stuff.
The reason I say he's like a dolphin is because he's clean like a dolphin.
Hair is nowhere.
You said wax on, wax off?
Oh, like no hair.
That wax on, wax off?
Yeah, wax on.
Do I manscape?
Hell yeah, man.
2.0.
I'm an old fashioned buddy.
It's a job.
Yeah, except for all these guys who are manscaping.
They don't sponsor us.
They don't be shouts at us.
They're good.
Mike, I like how during your set you said I was part of the North Alabama Breaking Crew
and looked at the audience like North Alabama Breaking Crew?
They don't even know this fucking podcast, Mike.
We got YouTube.
Mike, you ready to spin that whip?
Hell yeah.
See, right?
Yeah.
Oh yeah, this time.
I forgot my own thing to say.
There you go.
JJ.
Oh, thank God.
JJ Payne, get up there.
Alright, it's bad breath time.
That means that JJ has to take two bites out of an onion as if it were an apple, chew and swallow both bites.
Oh yeah.
You don't want to peel it?
It was prepared ahead of time.
I thought you were going to ram it.
YouTube running out of time.
Keep eating.
Everybody give it up one more time for Mike Sale.
How you doing?
Good.
How you doing?
Just clap.
Guys, please give it up for Hope Rangel.
Mason's mom has got it going on.
I'm not going to be here tonight.
I'm going to talk a little bit about my mom if you don't mind.
Do you guys ever have parents that would make you finish your entire plate before you kick it up?
Yeah.
Okay.
I was thinking about this one particular moment with my mom.
She sets a full bowl down in front of me.
I look at it and I'm like, there's no way, mom.
She said that classic line, you know, there's children starving in Africa.
I said, okay, mom, then send them this Xanax.
I can't.
She and I like to play a little game when I was growing up to see who could hold their breath the longest.
She'd always eventually win.
Her record, 13 years.
And counting.
She's killing it.
Don't get all tense yet, though.
It's fine because in that time period, we've learned how to communicate and continue arguing over a Ouija board.
You know how fun it is to hear, I'm disappointed.
One letter at a time.
It's great.
I try to hit back at her.
I'm like, B I T C.
She flips the board.
Mom, you're such a bad sport.
We raised each other better than that.
She had a series of miscarriages before getting pregnant with me.
And that's why my name is Hope, which is a lot of fucking pressure for a fetus.
And also the biggest practical joke of my entire life.
Because not only did she give me this optimistic name, she also gave me her crippling depression.
It's been a lot of fun figuring that one out.
Me personally, I'll probably never have kids because I told you guys last time, I'm kind of a pedophobe.
Kids scare me.
I'll tell you a long story short.
I like my niece though.
She's really cool.
She runs track.
She told me that they have blind track runners at their meets.
I was like, dude, that is so awesome.
I've never thought about that before.
How the fuck does that work actually?
Because I'm ignorant, but I don't want to be.
And so to understand, I asked questions at Easter Family Brunch.
And so I asked my niece, are they partially or fully blind?
She said there's both.
I said, okay.
Do they all run at the same time?
She says, yeah.
And at this point, my family is looking at me just like you guys are right now, just waiting for me to say something really fucked up.
At which point I ask, do they all run in straight lines?
She says, yeah, they have guides that run alongside them.
And I'm like, okay, well, why don't you just lead with that, you little bitch, instead of making me look like an ableist asshole in front of my entire family?
She's pretty cool, though. I like her. Thank you guys.
Hey, host.
Hey, you killed it. I love the dead mom joke. I mean, that shit's hilarious.
I see you got a crown war shirt on. You fuck with niggas now.
I did get it for free, so that might be okay.
I can't.
You heard the shit we said.
I said it's impossible.
It's possible.
I mean, it's a little impossible.
It's my thing.
I'm still here.
Oh, yeah, yeah, shit.
Dom looks at me during her set. He's like, I got this one.
That's all you said?
What are you talking about, dude? The hit?
Yeah, one joke in the chamber. He's like, I fucking got this.
I'm sorry, that only has gotten me four.
My uvula's tingling.
I hope you did an awesome job. You ready to spin this wheel?
Yeah.
I'm ready to spin this wheel.
It's Redneck Snack Time.
We have a whole ass Pickle Pigs foot for you, JJ.
There's a trash can over there.
All right, it won't make you eat the whole thing because that's a big ass foot on there.
Be careful, let some drip down on my studies if you don't mind.
At least a couple of bites.
It's not bad.
I don't know what else to do. It's not bad.
All right, well, you all can stop for JJ. You're going to be indoctrinated Redneck.
One more time for Hope.
Are you all ready for your next bucket pool?
You're here for a treat. We got the one, the only, Ogre.
Mike, you set the hype on this thing.
With your little ass.
You guys got to excuse me, I had to make me look this racist when I woke up this morning.
This sort of happened. It's not my fault I'm not resting, I tell you what, face.
I feel like we were all outside and you heard somebody say colored. You assumed that it was me that said it.
I ain't said that shit in three weeks.
And even then I was talking to my 12-year-old about colored pencils, but I still took a talking to for about 45 minutes from carrying.
I'm blind as shit.
You guys heard that saying, we're in Alabama. I'm blind in one eye and I can't see the other one.
I'm completely blind in this eye and I've got 14% vision in this one.
I'm blind in one eye and I can't see the other one.
It's fucked up, man. My eye doctor says that I've got 10% vision in this one.
But me and Raina went together and got our nipples pierced and she let me watch her get hers done.
I figured that titties make everything 4% better, right?
I'm trying to talk her into getting her hood pierced so that they can see how to drive again.
This always brings the crowd together. There's an election coming up. Who's voting Republican?
That's what I thought.
A lot of apartment renters in the crowd.
Who's voting Democrat?
Who don't give a flying fuck either way?
Hell yeah. I can't believe how many people get so upset and have faith that the government has any of our best interests in fucking mind.
Or give a fuck what we say as long as they get money they don't care.
I'm completely blind almost and I have a current Alabama pistol permit in my wallet right now.
I had to have a Morgan County Sheriff's deputy help me fill out the fucking form because I was sober and had $20.
And he helped me fill out that paper. I told this motherfucker I couldn't see well enough to fill out a piece of paper and they still sold it to me.
Very comforting. Very comforting.
Jesus Christ. I'm looking for you out there. Fuck it. There's a lot of showing to go see.
Oh no. Oh no.
Fucking hilarious.
I know I'm drinking for Loco, ate a raw onion and a pickled Bigfoot but you look like that to die.
You know what I could sit from toilet store was a real person.
I'm done.
Okies don't come over this way.
I'm going to say something good man. To make you feel better I got my pistol license too man.
That's a problem.
The only downfall was I accidentally did hit a car leaving that bitch. It was still good.
Nobody knows though. Until today.
At least I'm old off the drive man.
Oh you were expecting that?
Oh boy.
No?
Oh yeah.
You close?
Yeah.
Jay Day.
You get to do a big ass shot of hot sauce. It's Dave's insanity.
You got to call us in the morning and let us know how it comes out on the other side.
That's Chug it. Chug it.
There it is.
Everybody give that one more time for Ogar.
Killer.
Your next comedian.
Is the mean old bitch of Huntsville Common.
Rayna Payhill.
I look atrocious. I was not planning on being on a podcast tonight.
Hi my name is Rayna. I used to work at a pizza restaurant. Now I work with kids.
They're the same. Little kids and pizza. You can throw them both in the air.
And if you drop it you just throw it in the oven and pretend nothing happened.
I look like trash because I was doing a lifeguard class. Because I'm 15 years old.
I just haven't aged well.
And now it's my summer job.
Now I find it really interesting because I'm doing lifeguarding.
But there's not a lot you can do if you're a lifeguard in the ocean.
I found that out. There's pool stuff. There's a lot of stuff you can do for pools.
But in the ocean they're like, okay this is how you try to save a life.
And then this is how you look for a missing person.
Those are your two options. If you drown in the ocean, good fucking luck.
Okay? Sorry. We did our best.
I think dogs get all the best stuff. Like dentistics.
Why can't I eat a refreshing snack that cleans my teeth?
While I'm at it I want a vibrator that gives me a pap smear.
Thank you. I want a butt plug that screams me for colon cancer. Who's with me?
I know Kimberly's with me. She's tired of pooping in boxes.
I think a lot of people don't like the word dog mom.
And that's fine. But I don't know what you're supposed to call me.
Because I talk to my dogs the same way my mom talked to me.
Get that out of your mouth. Stop licking yourself.
You're the reason your dad's gone.
Stuff like that. I stepped in my dog's cum this morning.
Thank you.
I don't know if he's going through puberty or what.
But he better learn how to use a sock real quick.
Because I'm tired of wearing crusty bras. You know what I'm saying, ma'am?
Cool.
I think I'd have a pretty great ass if half of it didn't wrap around to the front to make my camel toe.
You know in the South we like a good wraparound porch?
I got a wraparound pussy.
Stop by. We'll have an Arnold Palmer sometime.
Okay, cool.
My pussy's so fat my clitoris has high cholesterol.
When I queef it sounds like a Biggie Smalls album.
I have to sleep with a seat-pat machine between my legs.
If I don't she whistles all night. Thank you.
Hey, yeah, Brady Cahill everybody.
You said you're a dog mom.
I am.
But you have cat mom hair.
Yeah.
That's pretty good.
Thank you. Yeah.
I also somehow have cat hair in my food. I don't know how that happened.
It's a white person thing I guess.
I like that joke you did with the dog thing where you talked about what was the one where you were like, you're the reason your dad left?
Yeah.
That's like my mom said she was like hitting with the stick.
She's very bad.
She said to you that she hit you with the stick?
Wait, what, the glad your mom and dad left?
Yeah.
Oh, no, but she probably thought that shit.
She was like, you're a poof when she gets mad.
No.
Accident.
Oh, okay.
Do you listen to his comedy or not, dude?
He talks about it. I knew what a poof was. I was with you.
But right now you killed that shit.
Oh, thank you.
Like always.
Thanks.
You're also the producer of Epic Comedy Hour, right?
Yeah, sometimes.
Yeah, I like it. It's great. I like co-producing Epic Comedy Hour.
Where can they find it?
Epic Comedy Hour on Facebook and Instagram.
Epic Comedy, you can email us if you want. EpicComedyHour at gmail.com.
If you want Scott Easton's phone number, I could get it out right now.
Y'all can call him directly.
You ready to spin this wheel?
I'm ready.
If you get JJ, just go to the next one.
I was just about to say we're going to, you know, no more JJ wheel.
We might need to go to the hospital wheel.
Brandon is not responsible.
Brandon!
Hey!
He gets to do a shot of apple cider vinegar.
Yeah.
Do it! Do it! Do it!
This smells like food.
It smells like what?
Feet.
I said feet.
That's what foot smells like.
Alright guys, I just want to thank you all for coming out and staying for all of this.
I hope you had a great time.
We got one more treat for you.
The second best comic in Huntsville as voted for his peers.
Everybody give it up for the great Sappha!
How y'all doing?
Question, anybody here got an interesting celebrity crush?
Who said no?
What's your celebrity crush, Ogre?
Happy face.
That one's going to stink like pig sweet and hard moss.
I asked my cousin if he had an interesting celebrity crush.
And he was like, off the top of my head, Casey Anthony.
That's the sound I made.
He cut me off, he was like, I know, she's white and grandma wasn't white.
And I'm like, no, no.
There's something else.
He was like, I want you to think about this.
She's crazy.
Let's just get that out of the way.
And if anybody in here just had sex with a crazy person, it was some of the best sex of your life.
Let's just be honest.
That's point number one.
Point number two was you never had to wear a condom.
Because even if you do get her pregnant, at some point she's going to handle her responsibilities.
Okay, I see we don't have an abortion forever.
Which one of you lying fucks is going to church tomorrow?
Mississippi, you going to church?
You lying sack of shit.
If you go to a church, the cross is going to be on fire.
Nah, you cool.
I just got a little resentment in my heart.
I was like, why did they make fun of Sapphire?
Black guy.
Totally black.
I love being in Huntsville because I get to go to so many different churches.
And I see a lot of you guys are white.
Let me just tell you something.
You guys do church better than any other racial group I've ever seen in my life.
The food and the music is a little different, but everything else, chef's kiss.
You get in, there's a sermon, guitar solo, boom, you're at Cracker Barrel by 1145 eating hash brown casserole.
One of the things I love the most about white church, you can never tell what they are just by their names.
It's like, hey sister, where do you go?
Oh, I go to the Grove.
Sounds like a spa.
Hey brother, where do you go?
Oh, I go to the Rock.
I love Dwayne Johnson.
Black people, we will add any word that sounds somewhat religious to our church titles.
It's like, where do you go, brother man?
I go to St. John's Episcopal Little Rock by the side of the road.
Mary had a little lamb slash check cashing.
You'll be like, check cashing?
You ever pull up on a church and they'll be like, on Thursdays we buy gold.
Get the fuck out of there.
My ultimate thing that I love about white churches and black churches is at a white church they introduce Jesus to you so creatively.
It's almost like they have hundreds of years of doing this shit until the people that guy knows history.
They'll say something cool like, are you lost in the sea of life?
Let Jesus be your lighthouse to salvation.
Black church will introduce Jesus like it's WrestleMania 30.
They'll go, give it up for the Alpha, the Omega, the King of Kings.
I always imagine Jesus behind the curtain going, mm-hmm, I'm going to fuck you up this Sunday, Bills.
My name is Safa and that's my time.
Safa.
You.
Hey, you notice how they gave the white guys hot sauce and now he's incapacitating.
Yeah.
Can't take any fucking pepper.
Jack and I noticed they were giving you all the eating ones earlier.
Yeah.
And we're like, Dom's getting hard.
What else can I eat?
I love you, Dom.
The horse ride wasn't bad.
Was it not?
Yeah.
What the fuck else can I eat?
Oh, that sardine.
Sardines.
I've had sardines.
It wasn't that bad.
They got a little.
No, it was spicy as fuck though.
It was very spicy.
And let's be fair, that little bit of spicy that was on the sardine, JJ did a whole shot
of that same shit.
Mm, and he's still a pussy.
Have y'all ever eaten at the burger franchise, Big Boy?
No.
No?
Yeah.
Doesn't Dom look like a darker big boy?
I know what you're talking about, he actually does.
You ain't know what I'm talking about.
Dude, I know.
That dude, that hoes the doughnut.
It's a burger.
I heard about him in the middle age and the men like Frank.
I see that.
You look like a Big Boy mascot that's just fucked.
What's up?
Drink some.
Oh, welcome to Seattle.
All right, let's spin this wheel.
Spin that motherfucker.
Take this out.
Give me Dom, give me Dom, give me Dom, give me Dom.
It's JJ.
Okay, give me Dom, give me Dom, give me Dom.
It's JJ again.
God, where did y'all get JJ that fucked him up?
What did he say?
Dom, Dom, Dom.
It's Dom.
You still got that onion over there?
I wanted to try it.
Ooh.
Oh, I gotta stay here?
No, I ain't giving him shit.
He's charging by the pound.
Let's do it.
Oh.
Keep going.
You got 30 seconds.
Can somebody get a video of this to send to the VA?
Who hit us 37?
I got bats.
Okay, just do one of these, like make it jiggle a little bit.
Come on.
You know I ain't got no ass.
Shake it.
Shake them little hand puppets.
Give it up and down, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
Make sure you give it up for one time for a shenanigans, Kim and Jessica, for putting
all this on.
I'm letting them do it.
This show is for you guys.
And if you want, they got a tip bucket right back there in the corner, right in front of
the exit sign.
It's the blue thing that says pit on it.
If you guys want a tip.
And you got anything else, Kim?
Well, you've got to give away a hundred dogs.
Oh, yeah.
Hold on.
They're trying to get a hundred.
I forgot all about that, Kim.
JJ has some money too.
He's got a lot.
We'll get it.
All right, well, I think they're going to confer.
They're going to come up with their top three and then those three people will come up to
the stage and you, the audience, will decide which of those three gets the hundred bucks.
Get her, bro.
While they're doing this, we also will be giving away some free tickets to come back
to shenanigans in just a few minutes.
So make sure that you have those free tickets handy.
Okay, so we got the top three.
Can you come up?
We got Ogre.
And the top three.
All right, now.
It's going to be up to you guys to cheer the loudest for the one that you want to walk
away with a hundred bucks.
So I'm going to raise my hand over their head.
And if you think they're the funniest, cheer.
Cheer for only the person that you think is the funniest.
The first, Ogre.
Reina.
Safa.
And the winner is Safa.
And now give it up for all the Thomas you've seen for the Proud College Comedy Podcast.
Please like and subscribe on YouTube to the show.
And we'll see you next time.