This week on Clown College.
I have a coworker who keeps talking about Kamala Harris, dude, and how much they hate her.
Damn.
They hate her?
Hate her.
Why they hate Kamala?
I mean, take your pick, man.
I don't know.
I think she's gonna win.
I'm backtracking on what I said.
I think she's gonna win.
You think she's gonna win?
I think she has, well, she has a better chance than Biden.
And Trump is not throwing any heaters.
He hasn't been throwing the heaters, man.
That's why I want, if you were gonna want Trump, I need him to be the funniest mother
f— even though it shouldn't be, it shouldn't have any bearing on who I want for president,
but it does for me.
Yeah.
And if he's throwing out the zingers, I'm down for it.
This is what really matters.
But if he's not, I'd rather just take somebody safe and that's probably not gonna tear the—
He kind of fell off after the Hulk Hogan RNC incident.
Oh yeah, man.
That's weird, isn't it?
You would think that would boost him up.
Damn, dude.
What's up?
Hell yeah, what's up, man?
We recording, Brandon?
Yes, we are.
Are we though?
Yes.
You promise?
Pinky promise.
You wouldn't lie to me.
No, man, you know I wouldn't lie to you.
Okay.
I mean, we've been there before, dude.
I thought you knew how to read before Friday.
Oh, man.
Oh, damn.
What happened?
What happened Friday?
So we went to the Hackenforth show in Gadsden on Friday.
Me, Brandon, and Jake were sitting outside on the bench.
Brandon's looking in his joke book, you know, as usual.
He always has the notebook on him.
But he's staring at it pretty hard for probably about 10 minutes.
And I look over and I notice the book is upside down.
That's our own doubt.
It's fully upside down.
Brandon's staring at the pages.
It's his own handwriting.
And then I nudge Jake.
I'm like, look at Brandon, dude.
And he looks and sees it's upside down.
Picks it up, just rotates it 180, puts it back down in Brandon's hands.
And he's like, oh, thanks, man.
And then he just goes back to looking at it.
Yeah, man.
What'd you thought?
It was Spanish?
What you saw was a flashback to why when I was in elementary school, they thought I was
special, man.
That was my deep zone.
That'll do it.
That was me zoning out.
I was zoning out so hard at that moment.
I don't even remember why.
Because what else could it be, really?
Exactly.
That was me looking to the abyss.
We also saw something crazy.
Oh, what'd you see?
We saw a dog, dude.
A stray dog.
The dog, what'd it have on it, Brandon?
Wait a minute, what happened with the dog?
Oh, shit, you mean the one that almost, since they were all in the road and shit?
Yeah.
But do you remember that one dog that had the fat set of nuts on it?
Oh, yeah, man, that low rider?
Dude, it was crazy.
It was like big, bro.
Built to apples, man.
Dude, that bro had apples, or at least, you know, like, tangelos or whatever.
Yeah, yeah.
It was a sight.
That's why he was in the road.
He got them balls.
Was one hanging lower than the other one?
Nah, man, it was tough.
It was almost perfectly symmetrical.
Some perfect balls, man.
He had aura, dude.
His testicles had aura.
Yeah, that doggy had style, man.
Right, that's what they say.
Yeah.
There's your thing.
The thing.
Hell, yeah.
We're all, I'm so fucking tired right now.
It happens, dude.
Diabetes, it's a bitch.
Damn.
That's how it be, that's Pat.
I got to take him to the, we're supposed to be going to the gym starting Monday.
You and Pat?
Yeah, but it's Wednesday.
Yeah, days do pass.
Y'all got to record that.
If y'all actually go to the gym, y'all got to record that.
Make sure Pat doesn't try and kill himself on the bench.
Drop it on his neck, dude.
There's no trying.
No, dude.
Yesterday at Enchandises, Pat goes, you know how the bathroom is in there.
It's like one of those bathrooms that, you know, most people would just piss.
He dropped a fucking Cleveland steamer in that motherfucker.
Brandon went to check it out after he, how did it smell?
Man, dude, so it looked good, but when you smelt that shit, that smell.
Wait.
Was ungodly.
It was bad.
What looked good?
I'm talking about the bathroom.
You go in there, it looked like nothing happened, but when you smell it, that's not the case at all.
They do have a nice bathroom.
Yeah.
I was about to say that.
They're just begging people to jerk off in there, though.
You can't have tits on the wall and expect people not to jerk off in the bathroom.
That's why they have a key, like a gas station.
You have to get a key to get it out.
Yeah, but that's not going to stop most people, man.
If you've committed a key, they give you the way to get in.
It's not really much of a barrier.
What if somebody already buys a thing and they act like they're walking out, but, oh, can I use the bathroom real quick?
You got to leave that outside.
That's what I'm thinking.
You got to leave it out, or can you take the pocket pussy in and bang it real quick?
In a normal store, you're not supposed to take the merchandise into the bathroom.
If you already bought it, you can.
Well, I mean, it's free country, but it's frowned upon.
No, if you go to Walmart and buy something, it's not frowned upon to go in the bathroom after that.
It is, because you're getting pissed on whatever you're buying.
Yeah, that's socially.
I'm talking about what you're doing in the bathroom to have to speak in a piss.
Here we go.
I know this.
What's going on?
Yesterday, we went out to Lone Goose with Casio.
Shout out.
He should come on sometime soon.
We'll see.
Yeah, we'll see.
We're out there.
We're drinking, right?
And we all had to go to the bathroom.
I was in there first.
Casio came up next to me.
I finish and Brandon walks in.
I'm like, there's a stall right there.
I'm like, go to the urinal this time.
He's like, no, no, no, no, no, I can't go to the urinal.
He goes to the stall and proceeds to drop his shorts again.
He is literally terrified to take a piss in a urinal.
See, I'm a confident man and I'm being honest.
Yes, that is true.
That is true.
That's why I stand by and we're going to change it.
Have you ever peed in a urinal?
Oh, yeah, I have a couple of times.
A couple of times if I have to, because I used to act.
I'd be like, you know what, let me show these people.
I normally am in the urinal back in the day.
I would try to hide it and shit, but you know what, now I'm like, yeah.
But when you're at the urinal, you cannot pull your pants all the way to the ground.
Oh, man, dude, when I'm at the urinal, it'll be all right.
Now, that is frowned upon.
I got you, man.
I'll be peeing clean slate.
We're going to take baby steps.
Well, we're going to have to potty train Brandon.
Yeah.
You know what, we're going to do the big steps.
We're just going to go up in that.
You're just going right for it.
Oh, yeah, I'm just coming in it.
Go in an empty bathroom the first time.
Hell, yeah.
Or use one with a divider.
You don't have like Lone Goose doesn't have one.
Yeah, they got a divider.
Oh, never mind.
They've added one recently.
I was thinking the one by the speakeasy.
That one is real close together.
Oh, no, yeah, you don't go piss by nobody there.
Somebody did that to me when I was on the show.
It was like, and the stall was open.
I don't.
That's an invitation, dude.
It's so close together.
Uncomfortably close.
And you, I can't even imagine.
I got to say, I hate to swallow this motherfucker.
I don't even think you and Pac can fit in there.
I don't think so either.
That'd be crazy.
I don't think we physically could fit in how smaller.
Jake's hips, there's no way.
There's no way.
Those hips are made for walking.
That's not the right...
Those hips are made for banking, dude, sitting in a chair all day.
Oh, shit.
That was fun last night.
You had fun last night?
Oh, man, I had a blast.
Dante got scared of a dog and cried.
I thought he was sad because something happened to the dog.
I didn't know it was a fear cry.
It might be the rarest form of crying.
We have the picture.
Alex, make sure you...
I'll send it to you.
Multiple.
I just think they all should be up right now.
The progression of his...
It got to the point where he was like, I thought he was joking.
He was just up against the door like this.
He was like, oh, oh, oh.
It looks like he's being crucified.
Yes.
It's a lot.
I love the last picture because his mouth is just open.
It's when you have the...
Open mouth fear sobbing, dude.
Oh, my gosh.
I don't know if I've done that, man.
I don't know if I've done that.
What?
Open mouth fear sob, like crying profusely because of fear.
I don't know.
Maybe when we saw that spider.
That was the closest I've been recently.
Yeah, you were real close.
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, I helped.
I helped.
I ran down the way and calmed him down.
The dog was so nice.
He didn't even have him on a leash.
Everybody was just petting the dog.
And I just...
When a dog never barked the whole time, soon as Dante sees him, he jets and the dog barks.
And he'd be like, when he runs, he just runs into a wall.
So he can't go anywhere.
Well, his knees, but he has an injury.
His knees fucked up.
That is true.
I was talking about that.
He said he went to physical therapy, but not to the doctor.
So he needs to get that.
It's been a long time.
Can you skip the doctor and go straight to PT?
In VA, you can.
Oh, okay.
You can go straight into physical therapy, but to see a doctor, you have to wait like
six months.
I thought he just walked into a sports med.
He was like, can I get on the schedule, man?
You're doing walk-ins today.
Yeah, but dude, I understand that was me 10 years ago, man.
You would have cried like that?
10 years ago as a kid, yeah, man.
But he's a 32-year-old man.
That was 10.
It's okay, man.
Sometimes it takes longer than others.
And me, I got lucky, I guess.
I don't know.
He's been in active war.
See?
What if a dog you never know?
Never know what?
What if a dog was like there and bit him in the ass or something, man?
No.
No?
Maybe when he was younger.
Maybe.
Yeah.
He should be fine.
The dog was so nice.
Literally everybody was just petting this dog.
It was like the bar dog.
Yeah.
People are bringing animals to bars a lot now.
Yeah.
You know, rabbits.
Yeah.
Dogs.
You know, I don't think dogs should be able to go into the restaurant, dude.
Regardless of circumstance, it's no shoes, no shirt, no service, bro.
True.
If I got to wear a shirt, that fuck does too.
It's just not fair, man.
Yeah.
What about service dog?
Not even them?
What if they're blind?
Blind, they can come in.
Ogre does fine, dude.
He does great.
He does great without a dog.
Maybe, hey, how about this?
Make some friends.
You know?
That's like the joint in a frat of disabilities.
You like pay for people to be around you, you know?
It's real sad.
Brandy, do you have those people?
Do I have those people pay to be around me?
Yeah.
Not anymore.
No, okay.
Well, I do it because it counts towards my community service hours.
Not anymore.
Wait, not anymore?
Yeah, you said pay shit, right?
What's that?
What?
You talking about like people pay to have people around them or something?
You pay to have people around you?
Because they got to take care of you.
We're not talking about you selling feet pictures.
No, no, no.
You talking about like a blind guy has a person to come around with him.
Oh, shit.
A guide.
Oh, thank God.
No, man.
You had like a mental guide.
Dude, thankfully, no.
Thankfully, no.
I mean, you'd have somebody that would like sit in the class watching everybody and be
like, you need someone to go back here.
No, I know.
No, it literally came from that class, that special ed class.
It was like, sit in there and be like, y'all need some help.
Let me know.
Oh, so they just sat in the back just in case?
Yeah.
Because they didn't want to slow down the class.
Yeah, but they wouldn't be like the people.
Because I would watch some people to have like people right there with them.
And yeah, thankfully, that never happened to me.
What did you say?
Talking about, you know, when you're in the class and they assisting you with everything,
like I was very worried about that.
And thankfully, that never came about.
Oh, so some people had them there the whole time sitting right next to you.
Yeah, some of them.
Yeah, they just needed it.
Yeah, thankfully, I would.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Well, and we're going to see on this IQ test.
I'm so scared, Brandon, you did way better than me.
I'm literally like...
Hey, look at that smile, dude.
Yeah, I know, man.
Either you have the greatest poker face or Brandon has a higher IQ than me.
And I don't know if I can take it.
Don't say your score, but do you remember what it was?
Oh, man, exactly.
You know exactly what it was?
Oh, yeah.
All right, don't...
I'm not saying it.
I just wanted to see if you remembered what it was.
I'm not saying it.
But you look so happy about that.
Yeah, yeah, I'm not saying nothing, man.
Dude, he might have killed this shit.
Oh, my God!
I sincerely heard.
What a Brandon, like a genius.
He might be, dude.
Well, you can recite...
Oh, he can recite those dates and shit.
A lot of that stuff was memory, kind of.
Maybe.
He just has a very branded way of understanding things.
Mm-hmm.
Like, okay, well, if I go four blocks this way and two blocks that way, that's where
my uncle's at.
You know?
I know I had to run five blocks back.
And he made me walk home in the dark.
So if I just retrace my steps, that's where we're at, dude.
Hell, yeah, man.
Like a little theory or some shit.
Like, what was that?
That Terrence Howard dude, but I don't believe that shit.
Oh, yeah, terriology?
Did you use that during the test?
I couldn't believe it.
I don't know.
Well, you know what?
I'm not going to say that.
I don't know, man.
That's crazy shit.
What?
Talking about that Terriology.
Terriology?
You should know.
It's no.
Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, he was wrong.
Yeah, I was like, yeah, no.
What's one plus one, Brandon?
One plus one equals two.
It equals two.
Yeah.
Yeah, two.
It equals two in every language.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know.
It's not really a language.
It's math.
Yeah.
Math is a language.
It is language.
Yeah, but the numbers don't change.
It's universals when I'm saying it.
Exactly.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm not going to step on what I'm saying.
You son of a bitch.
I think you would be a great Terriology entrepreneur or promoter, the hype man for Terriology.
See, those people have to be insane, though, because he believes it, no matter if it's
real or not.
I think he 100% believes it.
And whenever he's around people, like if he was sitting here with us, he couldn't not
talk about it.
Yeah.
He's like one of those type of people.
There's a lot of people like that.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, dude.
I have a coworker who keeps talking about Kamala Harris, dude, and how much they hate her.
Damn.
They hate her?
Hate her.
Why they hate Kamala?
I mean, take your pick, man.
I don't know.
I think she's going to win.
I'm backtracking what I said.
I think she's going to win.
You think she's going to win?
I think she has.
Well, she has a better chance than Biden.
And Trump is not throwing any heaters.
He hasn't been throwing the heaters, man.
That's why I want, if you were going to want Trump, I need him to be the funniest mother
for even though it shouldn't be it shouldn't have any bearing on who I want for president,
but it does for me.
Yeah.
And if he's throwing out the zingers, I'm down for it.
This is what really matters.
But if he's not, I'd rather just take somebody safe.
And that's probably not going to tear the.
He kind of fell off after the Hulk Hogan R&C incident.
Oh, yeah, man.
That's weird, isn't it?
You would think that would boost him up.
Maybe he's playing NWO in this.
NWO?
New World Order.
But you know, WCW crashed.
So we'll see about that.
Who's WCW?
Oh, man, that's where NWO was.
No, I'm saying who's WCW.
Oh, WCW.
I was talking about Trump because I was like.
He's WCW.
Yeah, because you said NWO.
So I was like WCW, no crash, man.
It's like he's Stone Cold Steve Austin when he had the long blonde hair.
Oh, you're talking about stunning Steve Austin.
Look at him.
Yep.
Let me show you all this.
Stunning Steve Austin.
Have you ever seen this?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, OK.
That's what he started as.
Yeah, yeah.
That's like, I think JD Vance is Eric Bischoff.
Oh snap, what bad.
He started off as the Rain Master.
Oh, that's there too.
Hold on.
Yep.
Hold on.
Perfect.
Right here.
Look at that.
But let's get more in.
JD Vance's favorite wrestling move is the Steiner Recliner.
That's the closest thing to a couch.
The love seat.
So did he bang the couch?
I hope so.
He didn't.
It was a joke like some person on Twitter wrote that actually, I don't know why I remember
this.
The user that wrote that was his username was Rick Roods Cavs.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Ravishing Rick Roods, huh?
Yeah.
Brandon knows.
Oh, yeah, dude.
One of my favorite wrestlers, man.
And he was just like, he wrote a book called Hillbilly Elegy that turned into a movie with
like some famous people in it on Netflix.
JD Vance did.
Yeah.
And the dude on Twitter was like, pages 179 to 181 are about him fucking a couch.
But they're not.
But everybody just believed it.
They might as well be, dude.
Nobody's reading that.
I'll watch the movie.
It's so crazy what you'll believe.
Oh, yeah.
Because if I were to say somebody made a fake one, I'd believe it because I don't really
care enough to look into it.
I'm not going to buy the motherfucker's book.
No, I'll just wait till it gets debunked and then be like, oh, OK, he didn't do it.
But I still kind of feel like I still think that about him when I see him, though.
There's some truth to every.
That is very telling about him that you look at him and you're like, yeah, I can see that.
Oh, yeah, that was strange.
Well, I mean, he's just pulling David.
He's just a line.
I was about to say that.
He's a big line.
I'm fan.
Cold is his favorite track.
That's that shit, dude.
I still listen to that.
I'll play some right here.
It's a little rock out there.
Hell, yeah.
But yeah, would you have you have you ever made the homemade pocket pussy with you?
Yeah.
I mean, you cut cup.
Yeah.
Two sponges, rubber glove.
Yeah.
And then the rubber band on the outside or you didn't even need it?
Don't even need it.
You didn't go rough enough?
No.
Well, you just secure it in between something else.
I don't need the glove to be that deep so I could have a lot of a lot of slack on the
outside.
And you did a breaded?
Well, yeah, I built it, but I never really used it.
See, I don't believe that.
He just studied it.
Hold on.
Did you?
Because people taught me, man.
I was in class, people like, you know, you want to know how to build a pocket pussy out
of Pringles?
And then so we get this Pringles.
Pringles is the popular is a popular method.
Get two sponges.
And the Pringles can.
Get the glove.
Okay.
And then you pour in this Vaseline or lube or sauce, you know?
Sauce.
Yeah.
Honey mustard.
Hell, that's the...
Oh, my bad.
Not that one.
Not that one, man.
Get some olive oil.
Get that.
I don't know what you don't.
I'm not serious, but if you had to choose any food, sauce, anything like that.
To use as lube?
Oh, yeah.
Out of all that.
Yeah.
Olive oil or coconut oil?
Because coconut oil you can use on your skin.
Oh, then coconut oil.
We're talking about just for sex?
Yes.
Well, he's talking about to lube up his Pringle pocket pussy that he says he never used.
Oh, dude.
Honey, it never expires.
You can use that.
Honey.
That's sticky though.
It wouldn't be good, would it?
Fuck no.
That would backfire.
He'd get stuck.
What else is there, man?
Petroleum?
Oh, that would hurt.
Soy sauce.
Did you see that trend where people were dipping their balls in soy sauce to see if they could
taste it?
Yeah.
Did it work?
Did people say it worked?
It didn't work for me, man.
I'm limited.
I'm limited, dude.
That's just dumb.
I can't believe I just asked, did it work?
Oh, Brandon, can you look up the ball koozie?
I'm dumber than them because I just asked that.
The ball koozie.
This is a product I saw recently.
It's a jacuzzi for your testicles.
I'm dumber than them because I just asked that.
The ball koozie.
This is a product I saw recently.
It's a jacuzzi for your testicles.
Ball koozie.
The ball koozie.
There it is.
Look at that, dude.
That's tight on there.
You put your balls in there and it's just like a little hot tub.
It's like a vent can.
It bubbles up.
You put water in it?
Yeah.
It's a hot tub, man.
You can't use this when you walk around, though.
No, this is stationary.
I was gonna say.
This is stationary.
See, I thought it was-
That's not a koozie like a beer koozie.
That's a koozie like a jug koozie.
Yeah, jacuzzi.
This is very useful.
You used the koozie, JJ, didn't you?
It's a ball koozie.
Okay.
Ball koozie.
It comes in three colors.
Black, white, gold, hot tub for the nuts.
I don't even-
I fuck with it.
Look at the little bench that comes out the back.
The little padded bench.
I like that.
Is that what- I think that's where the penis goes.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't understand this at all.
Why not?
$70?
Yeah, this is the dumb-
I mean, it's a good thing.
I don't get what it's for.
I think it's more of a novelty thing, but I could really get behind this.
If it's warm, man.
Whoa, go to it.
Brandon, click on that one in the bottom left where it's really got the divots in there.
Right here?
Yeah.
Look at that.
D-Lo would only have to buy half of one, dude.
Now you have a friend over.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, that could work.
D-Lo and Hitler just, you know, ball-coozying it up.
Yeah, I'll get this one.
What's it not to like, man?
Exactly.
What part don't you get?
Why somebody would buy this?
Yeah, because even if you just have it somewhere, nobody's going to know what that is.
So you say the novelty-
I don't think you would want to.
But there's no way you're putting your- just putting your balls in a little bit of water
just sitting there.
You're telling me if you had this on your coffee table when I walked in and it's turned
on and I see it bubbling, I'm like, what's this?
What is this, man?
And you tell me what it is.
You might say what it is, but you will never think what it is.
You would never guess it's a fucking ball-coozier.
Well, I would know because I'm hip to this kind of-
Me too.
I'm down for it.
Device.
It works.
I'm against this in so many ways.
You know what I figured out, dude?
Alabama is one of only like three or four states that makes you pay taxes on medical
devices.
Sorry you couldn't really write this off.
Damn.
Bullshit.
It's fucked up.
It's really fucked up when you think about it.
Yeah.
It is.
And they say this is the South.
That's what the South's all about, man.
Thought we weren't supposed to tax here.
Dude, gas is so much cheaper here.
I went back home to Illinois.
I think I got gas in Paducah, $3.20.
Damn.
Well, that's high for you because around here it's $3 right now.
Yeah.
It was $3.20 in Kentucky and when I got to Illinois it was $3.77.
Well you could probably step inside and they'd see you and they'd be like, for you my friend.
$2.97.
Yeah.
Shout out to my boys Sonny and Elsa out at Lincoln Liquors.
Two Disney characters.
Sick.
And they're real people too.
They used to throw change at me.
I'd drive through liquor stores and for the longest I could get, because I looked like
this, so I could get liquor when I was 16.
I would go through and buy and then they found me my name in the paper.
And then when they found out I wasn't 18, I mean 21, they got mad at me.
So I come through there and they'd be talking shit.
They were like, fuck you, fuck you.
And then I was like, fuck you bitch.
Motherfucker, give me the goddamn swish or whatever I'm buying.
And then he threw my change at my car, hard as fuck too.
Damn, dude.
My brother Tors got locked in.
We were fucking with him.
We all ran out and Tors got locked in.
They put their broom, like what?
I put my broom to the door.
What'd they do to him?
I forgot about that till just right now.
And they were holding him hostage.
I swear, because we used to fuck with him.
After they wouldn't sell us liquor anymore, because they still had candy and stuff you
can go in there and buy.
Chips and soda.
So we would go there, buy something and then talk some shit.
And then they'd talk shit hard.
You know, they'd fuck bitch.
You know what I'm saying?
They do all that type of shit.
And so we would just talk shit back.
And then they tried to come at us with a broom and we all ran.
And then Tors got locked in.
He was out there trying to do like that.
Good times.
What about the time with the towel?
Is that the same place?
Yeah, same place.
Same place, Lincoln Lincoln.
That worked.
Pink towel embroidered on the side and everything.
Didn't look anything like a, what's the shit called?
A wig?
No, the things that they wear on their head.
A turban.
Turban.
A job.
It didn't look nothing like that.
Like it looked like a fucking, like a towel you don't use.
You know, cause it's like, that's for show.
That kind of towel.
And they gave it to me.
They don't know their own people.
Towels for show.
Actually, I think they were Indian, so they don't do that, but still.
So you wear the towel on your head, but you won't put your balls in this thing, dude?
Exactly.
There's nothing wrong with this.
It's healthy.
I don't even know who this is for.
Men.
Yeah.
No.
Dude, if you sprayed your nuts or something like this, I would want this in my car.
Dude, if I sprayed my testicles, I'm buying one of these immediately.
Yeah, because like last time that happened, I had to use this heat thing.
Now, okay, let's-
Circle on back.
Yeah.
What do you mean last time it happened?
Well, one time-
Sprayed with what?
Sprayed what?
Sprayed.
Sprayed my balls.
Sprayed your nuts.
Yeah.
Come on, just come on.
Dude, so this was during COVID, right?
And I was working out in my room, and I started doing stretches, like you know, kind of like
where you got to move your legs close to like kind of like a split type thing.
But thankfully not a split, because nobody's doing that shit.
Like the V-sit?
Kind of like that.
Like where you stretch all the way down.
Oh, okay.
So I'm going all the way down, and then I heard like a little pop, and I'm like, oh,
fuck.
And then my dick, well, not the dick, the balls started hurting, and it was sprained
because I stretched too much.
You experienced testicular torsion?
I think I did.
Very minor, because it was sore for days, so I would just sit on this heat pad.
Sounds very minor.
Sitting on the couch.
Thankfully, it wasn't too bad.
Did you go to the doctor for it?
Oh, no, it wasn't like that.
It was just like sore.
For a long time?
Yeah, for like a couple days.
Yeah, and I'd just sit on this heat pad, man, watch some old movies.
And you would have rather-
That does sound pretty sick, honestly.
Oh, yeah.
Like some black and white shit?
Yeah, dude, if you would have had this thing, I mean, you would have been up and at them
in three hours.
Dude, still.
Man, I might get it, actually.
It looks really cool.
We can go halfsies.
I'll get it on the weekends.
Nah, not this time.
We can't share.
All right, everybody's gangsters.
You want to split the prize, dude.
Get this off the screen.
I hate it.
Get it out there.
What else is going on?
We're about to do our first-
I'm going to fuck my contact up.
All right, we're about to do our first over 10 minute set.
He's winking at me.
I think he's gay.
Have you did a 15 minute set yet?
No.
All right, so we're jumping from 10.
All three of us have done 10 minute sets.
Yes.
All right?
Yes.
And then we're jumping to 20.
15.
But if you want to do more, do it.
Kind of like that deal.
Because shout out Cody Mack.
Oh, hell yeah, dude.
Hey, hold up.
Lil Plonk.
Yeah.
He invited us to do a show in Pulaski, Tennessee.
And then he was like, well, it's three of you guys.
He was like, we just got to cover an hour and 30 minutes.
And I was like, no, hold on.
What do you mean, between three of us?
I was like, I think you guys are thinking of the wrong guys here.
But we got Alex and we got Charlie Swisher.
Swisher.
Charlie Swisher, who you hear in the intro of this and the outro and some other places.
Yeah, we're all going.
We got to do 15 minutes a piece, but we'll still be short.
Really only 10 minutes because he's doing five up top.
So somebody has to go over the light by a couple of minutes.
We could just.
Well, yeah, we'll just do that.
We'll see what happens.
So we can't bring any more people, I'm guessing.
Well, we could, but it doesn't.
No, we get paid.
We got to split the.
Yeah.
And it's not like, hey, Jake, come do this for free.
No, fucking.
Yeah.
Piece of shit.
Jake could be a special guest and do 10.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Yeah, that could work.
Well, isn't it only.
Hey, I know he's Jewish, but he ain't getting paid.
Not enough.
You know, it only makes sense that the first clown college branded stand up show is in
the birthplace of the Ku Klux Klan.
It's crazy.
Right without a full circle moment for me.
Full triangular moment.
Yeah, but you get there early and take pictures.
Oh, we'll go to the fucking monument.
You got to work.
Yeah.
Probably right when we buy the time you get dressed.
You got a role.
Yeah.
I get off at 12 that day.
Do you?
Yeah.
On Fridays, I can get off early too.
I just want to just leave.
Oh, no.
Damn.
I just searched the Pulaski.
Dude, what if we got a special guest Charleston White?
Look at that cradle of the Klan right there.
That's.
Yeah.
Pulaski looks to reclaim his path.
Dude, we should try to find whoever the grandmaster is and try to interview him like for real
and then fuck with him hard.
I love fucking with people like that, but like be dead serious, like some Saucerberry
Cone fucking Nathan for you type shit.
Be dead serious and make him just so uncomfortable.
Oh, that'd make my fucking day.
Really good.
I think I know who that job is going to fall on out of us three men.
No, they'll talk.
You never seen them.
They'll talk to anybody.
They'll just still say whatever they think.
You know what I'm saying?
Based.
Yeah.
Oh my gosh, dude.
We send Jack in there and then be like, no, I won't believe him.
We're like, he's actually Filipino.
Tricked you motherfucker.
Oh my gosh.
That's a dude from the office right there.
Toby.
Yeah, he did say he was like, they're tired of the clan shit at the comedy shows.
I guess when all the comics come down, they talk about it being a clan town where the
birthplace.
What the fuck else do they do?
That's their most significant contributions in the country.
But they're tired of hearing about it.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't have any clan thing.
I say I hate the Jews sometimes, but nothing other than that.
That's not even their main thing.
Yeah, not anymore.
See, but they're, KKK is just dirty whites, even though they might have some rich people
who got rich, but they're dirt whites.
They got rich doing dirty white shit.
Farming.
Tractoring.
That's good, right?
They track their own farms.
Yeah, see, look at that.
Tractors are pretty good, dude.
The steel plow revolutionized commercial agriculture.
Wait, what's the song?
The Steel Plow?
The Steel Plow.
Yeah.
Yeah, man, John Deere.
Oh, yeah, that.
Yeah, that right there, dude.
Yeah.
That's what got you all out, man.
Damn.
That right there, dude.
That's the true hero.
Look at that.
Wow.
I thought he was whipping somebody at first when that first popped up.
He's whipping the machine.
Yeah, I thought that's what it was.
Old habit.
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh, shit.
That's crazy.
That is crazy.
Oh, man.
Dude, this is sick, bro.
Brandon, do you think you could, if they gave you 10 acres and they said, everything's
already planted, you just have to farm it for a year and then you can get a million dollars.
You think you could do it.
Oh, fuck.
And you only have to yield 30% of the crops.
Shit, hell yeah.
I would become the best farmer in the world.
All right.
No internet, nothing to teach you how.
What would you grow?
You just have to do it.
No internet.
Yeah, I'd figure it out.
What crops?
All right, let's say it's corn.
One fourth of it's corn.
One fourth corn, dude.
Yeah.
One fourth cotton.
Soybean.
And what's the other one that they grow down here?
I mean, I don't know.
It depends on how labor intensive you want to go, man.
Fuck it.
Grow some tobacco.
Make some swishers, dude.
Fuck it.
That's a good income right there.
But that can be hard, man.
You think you could do it?
10 acres by yourself?
Oh, hell yeah, man.
I figured it out.
Yo, 30%?
I figured it out.
I would definitely do 100%.
At what point would you give up?
Never.
Do you what?
Not until it's over.
Well, it's over with now.
Fuck it.
I feel like Brandon would have all baby corn.
He would just pick them.
He would grow individual pieces, just one kernel.
And that's going to be other, is there going to be any other farmers around?
No, no, dude.
You have to, that's the goal.
Hell yeah.
You don't have to pull 100% of it.
You just have to pull 30, which is still a lot.
You got to water all this shit.
You got to plant it.
You got to nurture it.
You got to know when to take it out.
Harvest it.
Yeah.
You got to look in an almanac.
Shit's hard, man.
Now you'll have all the books and resources you want there to teach you how to do it.
Just Brandon and Chad GPT.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, sure.
That's it.
I perfected.
I got it.
Talk to Chad GPT.
What about some livestock?
I feel like Brandon would not do well with animals.
If he had to get the eggs out from under the hens, they'd kill him.
And milk and cow.
Yeah, milk and even.
There's no way you'd do that.
Dude, we should get Brandon to milk a cow.
We still got... I forgot about that till now.
Brandon in the wild.
The first thing is the horse.
Milk a cow.
You're going to ride a horse?
Yeah, I ride a horse and milk the shit out of this cow, man.
It's going to be good.
A beekeeper.
He could put you in a bee suit and you got to go get some honey.
He doesn't like that one.
I can tell you right now, he did not like that one.
You'll be in a bee suit though.
Fuck it.
Yeah, that sounds cool.
All right, what else we got?
Catching a fish.
Yeah, we'll start off light.
I need to learn that.
That's good.
Pucking a cowboy.
Wait, what?
What?
That's part of it.
I'm good on that.
That sounded like Brokeback Mountain, doesn't it, man?
You didn't like the movie?
No, I never watched that.
Well, I mean, I've never watched it, man.
I never watched it.
How do you know what it is, dude?
What's it about?
Can you explain the plot?
I've never heard of this.
The only thing I've heard is this, what is it?
It's a bunch of gay cowboys on a mountain.
Really?
That's it.
That's all I know.
Are they on a mountain?
That's what I heard, because it's Brokeback Mountain, right?
And they're back to getting broken on that mountain, right?
What state is it in, do you know?
I have no idea.
What would you say if you had to guess?
Brokeback Mountain isn't the name of the place?
I don't know.
I've never seen it.
It could be like, what, Minnesota or Dakota or something like that.
Dakota?
Let's go with Dakota.
I like that.
We don't have any of these facts, but I just want to say it's Dakota.
You want to find out?
South or north?
Central.
Central?
Central Dakota.
I'm going with it.
I think it was actually in Centralia.
See town?
Maybe.
It was back there, it was Saturday night when the soul on the street.
Let's see.
Damn.
Ooh.
South.
Oh, of course it's in Canada, dude.
Oh, that's Wyoming.
Okay.
This movie doesn't count.
Oh, I thought it was just in Canada.
It was filmed in Canada, but it's set in Wyoming.
Oh, Wyoming.
Okay.
Somebody said Wyoming.
They couldn't actually do gay shit in the United States, so they had to go to Canada.
They're like, ooh, we're in America.
Let's fuck.
Damn, so that's what's going on in Wyoming.
Brandon, would you be in Brokeback Mountain too if they offered you $25 million?
$25 million?
Can I just be like a dude walking by like an extra or something?
No, you have to have at least third lead in the movie.
Yeah.
So I got to do like that.
Brandon, why are you thinking about it?
No, man, I'm not.
You're not?
$25,000.
Hold on, wait a minute.
$25,000.
$25 million.
I mean, that's what I mean.
$25 million.
Now we know how much Dom will do it.
Fuck it.
You ain't lying.
You know what?
$25,000.
I'll be at the movies.
Oh, dude.
We'll just get that out of the way.
Yeah, dude.
You could be Jake Gyllenhaal's love interest.
I don't know about that.
Well, that's kind of part of the gig.
Damn.
All right.
Yeah.
Character actor?
Character?
What, like what's that?
You get into character.
Oh, yeah.
I get into character.
What's your Jake cowboy?
You got to get into it.
You got to live the character like Jim Carrey did on Andy Kaufman.
Oh, man.
The moon thing?
Yeah, I remember that.
To the moon.
Man on the moon?
Man on the moon.
Yeah.
He said, what actually?
What's your name going to be in the movie?
What's your gay cowboy name?
Black Dog style.
The reason I say this is because I'm...
He's half Native American, half black.
Chief Black Dog style.
Yeah, because that's my Call of Duty name.
That is.
Call of Duty and Cowboys, dude.
Similar.
Very similar.
I know, but I was like, yeah, that would be it on a ranch.
You'd be like, oh, Black Dog style.
Come and watch out.
Pull up with the gun swinging.
It's not really the vibe of this movie.
I feel like your name would be Barry Powerbottom.
Oh, shit.
Let that just roll off the tongue.
Clyde Elrod.
You better look out.
You can say it.
Clyde Elrod coming.
Hey!
Oh, shit.
He ain't...
You got it.
He's coming.
A year after the shoot.
And he ain't stopping.
Yeah, that was...
You remember why you say Elrod and El Rice and shit?
Or when you said, what the fuck was that?
One thing that wasn't even close at all?
He said Clyde, getting them off.
I know.
Clyde Rick the Stick getting them off, Elboy.
When I asked him for part two, when I asked him his name, he gave me a name, right?
So I just wrote it down and put it in the edit.
And then you watched it and you were like, that's not his name.
No, yeah, he said Rick Goodworth.
Rick the Stick Goodworth.
He just changed his name.
Clyde Elrod.
We filmed the whole thing.
Well, to be fair, the same name was...
It was a different name every time.
It was.
It was the same name twice.
No.
But we do know Brandon's like a method actor though, because he wore that wig and that
mustache for like three days straight.
The day before, the day of the shoot, and the day after.
I don't think he took it off.
I drove there, man, on the highway.
Hell yeah, I had the mustache on all that shit, man.
Wore the suit.
I like how you phrased it.
Yeah.
I drove to get there.
I was in it.
Made my own playlist for him.
Call him Ned.
What's the playlist?
Oh, man, it was just a bunch of 80s shit.
He had the Hall and Oates, which I listen to anytime.
I listen to that already.
Men Down Under.
Yes, of course.
Yeah, Men Down Under, Who Can It Be Now?
Then you have, what was it?
You got some Billy Ocean up in there.
Wham.
Yeah.
Oh, I love Wham.
Man, Genesis.
That's Michael, George Michael, right?
Yeah.
We're going to dance again.
And the other guy.
Yeah.
I don't know that.
George Michael.
Well, I know the other guy's still living.
He's got his name though.
He's the Ringo of Wham.
Let me see what his name is.
Man, I know he's bald too now, man.
He's a different guy.
Wham.
Shout out Blake Russell.
Blake Russell, dude.
Andrew Wrigley.
Oh my gosh.
Holy shit.
Hold on, let me see.
He looks like he does BBLs in Miami.
Hold on, here's a better one.
Yeah, he does.
Yeah, yeah, I like that.
Me too.
What's your favorite one?
I like that.
Me too.
What's your favorite Wham song?
Everything she wants, that one.
Oh.
Yeah, man.
That beat is perfect.
How's it go?
It's like...
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta, and they go like...
Bah.
Bah da.
And they go...
Da da da.
I can't do the lyrics.
I want to know the song.
I was like...
Da da da da da da da da da da da da da...
I don't remember that being the beat.
Da da da da da da da da da da da.
Okay, it's getting like it now.
You gotta have some vocals for that.
What they just say?
What they say?
Damn, man, hold on.
Like in the melody that they say.
In the middle of the damn, damn, damn.
What they say?
Because everything she wants is everything she sees.
And that's the whole part.
And you won't do karaoke?
No.
Why?
You gotta unleash that beautiful voice right there.
I'm not in Brokeback Mountain 2.
That's why I'm not doing karaoke, man.
Karaoke is a manly...
He's stuttered.
I was trying to think of the other thing I was gonna say.
But it didn't come to me.
Endeavor?
Sport.
Karaoke should be in the Olympics.
The Philippines needs a gold medal man.
Yeah, they would kill that shit.
They can't even speak English. That's impressive.
They can't speak English.
Have you seen the dude singing Creed?
The Filipino guy?
Dude, Brandon, please look that up.
Filipino guy sings Creed.
He's like sitting on a log in the fucking jungle.
Hammered and he just sings perfect Creed.
Hold on, man.
Dude, my mind lifted. Hold on.
Looked up philosophy?
I think you typed in philosophy.
Peeing isn't...
It'll figure it out.
That's it. That's it.
I love the MPH.
My mind left.
Hold on. You guys ready?
Yeah.
Hell yeah. Let's hear this.
He's killing this shit, dude.
He hit that shit.
I could see Don being like, maybe they aren't so bad.
Filipino's always been cool.
You can press...
He sounds just like him, dude.
He does.
And you can hear those little language slips subtly throughout the song.
But yeah, he killed that shit.
It's crazy because you hear him talking before.
He's like...
Yeah.
You like that?
Dude.
Do you like Creed?
I don't really know what Creed is, man.
I've heard that voice.
Oh yeah, I know that song.
To a place where blind men...
You sound like how I thought he was gonna sing.
That was like Michael McDonald a little bit, man.
Look at that.
Remember the dude from What a Fool Believes?
No.
The Doobie Brothers?
He'd be like, I keep forgetting.
And then I forgot.
He'd be like, you what?
I don't know.
I keep forgetting.
And then I forgot.
He'd be like, I keep forgetting.
I'm not in love anymore.
I keep forgetting.
And he'd be like, every time something.
I forgot.
You never heard that?
I don't know what you're talking about.
The Doobie Brothers, man.
It's like a 60s, 70s type shit.
You ever heard, okay, Notorious B.I.G.
He did a remix of it.
What was it called?
Big Pimpin?
No, it was like, no, it wasn't him.
Notorious Thugs.
No, it was The Renegadez.
My bad.
The Renegadez song with, what is that dude's name?
What is it?
Warren G.
What was the song?
The Renegadez?
What is it called?
Renegadez?
The Regulatorz?
Regulatorz.
We played Regulatorz.
He said Renegadez.
Renegadez.
We're going to remix that song.
Oh man, I would sing it too.
I just studied the lyrics.
It was a Clear Black Night.
Go ahead.
No, I don't know the lyrics.
I got to study it first, man.
I just remember hearing it.
It's a Clear Black Night.
Dun, dun, dun.
Exactly.
I'll just make up my own lyrics sometimes because I'll sing to it.
Just be weird.
Brandon takes artistic liberty with every project he's a part of, dude.
How could you not with that mind?
You can't contain them.
You shouldn't.
You have to let them go free.
Hell yeah, man.
You give me a song, I don't know the lyrics, but I can make it sound good.
Hell yeah.
His Flashing Lights remix was amazing.
I don't know if you remember that.
That was amazing.
He was talking about somebody getting bombed.
What did I say?
Well, this was your song.
Damn, I forgot.
What was it?
He said, huh?
It was a skit we were filming for something.
I was doing it for the Kanye thing.
What was it?
Like fucked up or something?
I'm like, fuck that.
I don't know.
Yeah, it was something like that.
Something.
See if you can find that and then we'll post that.
Hell yeah.
Oh man, I could definitely find that on my phone.
That was a great song.
And on my band lab too, man.
My band lab.
I got some songs on there.
Could you imagine what's on there?
You're going to hear them.
You're going to be like, that's so nice.
My Cheetos song, man.
I remember everybody in high school would listen to that.
You can't pull that up right here?
Nah, man.
I never posted them.
I just have them hidden in my phone.
Oh, but you said band lab.
Oh.
Yeah.
It's like a personal spot, like Garage Band.
Oh, okay.
What was your Cheeto song?
How does that go?
Oh man, it was like I'm in love with the Coco, but instead of the Coco's Cheetos, I'm like,
I'm in love with the Cheetos.
Hey, no, no, the Reedos.
Oh damn.
Man, that was good shit.
Like it was, man.
And that was the jam in high school?
Everybody was bumping that one?
Oh yeah, everybody.
Every time I played it, they'd be like, okay.
You'd play your own songs in class?
It was kind of like the special kid dancing in class.
That's what it felt like because-
That's kind of what it is.
They were laughing too, but it was good.
Was this in-
Did you guys have dance-offs or something?
No, man.
You just had some dude in there that would be dancing.
He was a little off.
Yeah, he would throw down and then people start recording him and stuff and putting
it on like Snapchat.
And then, yeah, he didn't know.
He didn't know that people weren't supporting the dance.
Yeah, they were making fun of him.
Oh yeah, after the yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
They did that a lot to people.
It's crazy shit.
Seems like they might have did it to you a little bit.
No, man.
One time they fucked me over when I was sitting down in the class, man.
And then this dude was like, hey, man, because I was lonely back then.
He was like, you know what?
I finally found a girl to like.
And I'm like, for real, who?
He was like, nobody in the whole class.
Oh shit.
Hell yeah, man.
That's good.
Hell yeah, man.
That's good.
And then when the two girls were like in the class fighting over who didn't have Brandon,
they were like, I don't want him.
I don't want him either.
And then they were like, you know, throw the book.
And then I was like, can I leave?
And the teacher was like, this is good shit, Brandon.
Just sit down.
Oh, why?
Brandon's life is everybody hates Chris.
Oh, man.
Hell yeah, man.
Oh.
Hell.
You still remember the two girls that were?
Yeah.
I do.
I remember like it was yesterday.
I remember when I walked out that class, it was a good day.
Where'd you go?
I went home.
That's what I did.
No, wait, did I go home?
I think I went to wrestling practice.
Then I went home.
Yeah.
He had to take out your frustration on something.
Yeah.
You know who the you still talk to this guy?
Guy?
Which one?
The guy who pulled the prank on you.
Oh, no, no, man.
No.
Fuck him then, right?
We'll fuck him up, dude.
Yeah, we'll fuck him up for it.
Just like we was going to fuck that dude up yesterday last night for Dante.
Oh, man, for Dante.
Yeah, that was so good.
What happened?
Because I wasn't sitting there.
So Dante was doing his dancing, where he was doing this in front of me.
And then he started getting around doing all that.
I was like, okay, this is too close.
But yeah, he was doing that.
Yeah.
And it felt like almost a lap dance.
I was very concerned.
But then this dude came out.
And when he passed him, he was like, what was he?
He was like, man, you need to sit down.
He just kept on walking.
And then Dante just like put his hand down.
Oh, yeah.
He was like, man, you need to sit down.
He just kept on walking and then Dante just like put his hand down.
Oh, yes he did.
He was like, what did he say?
It was two things.
He was like, I don't know if I should, what, smack the shit out of this guy or something
else.
But yeah, he was not out.
He should have punked him.
Because if he would have came by and I, you know, because you can't let nobody just sit
down.
Who the fuck are you talking to?
Yeah.
Just give one of those.
They always get scared.
And if they don't, you smack fire from them.
And then you leave.
Do they pay your tab?
Well, actually, if they already scanned your car and gave it back, don't pay your tab.
There's at 20 percent on.
Yeah.
And you walk out of there and he'll, you know, and you hit and you get and you get this part
right in his jaw.
So it doesn't quite knock him out.
You know what I'm saying?
But he feels a smack up here, the sting up here.
But you know, the loose brain of the jaw getting hit.
Yeah.
But why not knock him out?
Why not just knock him out?
No, because the slap is better because that makes more disrespect.
This guy was he was just like a skinny, very skinny dude.
So you don't want to beat these people up.
You just want to smack them and demoralize them as a man.
Yeah.
A masculine.
Yeah, it works.
OK.
Yeah.
The owner of Shag Nasties teaches classes.
Oh, yeah.
We saw that one night.
Yeah.
He has like form classes.
First, you have to gain one hundred and fifty pounds to get your hand to the size it needs
to be.
That's weird.
Arthritis.
You need that.
It really tenses up the joints.
No break on the slap.
It's like getting hit with a fucking phone book.
It's nice, dude.
It's nice.
You know what?
My grandparents used to buy phone books and I would just call people from my class in
like the fourth grade on my home phone.
That's tight.
Yeah.
It was a sick move.
Yeah.
How the fuck did you?
Did you prank call?
Oh, no.
You were prank calling?
No, I was just like, it's me.
And I see my class the next day.
That's how I met Josh.
I used to say it.
In the fourth grade, dude.
This is the craziest story.
It was the fourth grade and I knew Josh's mom was from Poland, but their last name is
Walker.
So it's like a really common name.
So I just looked through all the fucking Walkers in the phone book who lived in like Harvest
Tony area.
Probably shouldn't be saying this, but I saw like her name was a common name, but instead
of an S, one of the letters was a Z.
And I was like, that's the Polish.
That's Poland, dude.
And you just call us like it's Josh there.
Yeah, that's a dead ass what I did.
And we've been we've been cool ever since.
Yeah.
Shout out, Josh.
Oh, yeah.
Hell, yeah.
Came out to the water part.
He did.
Yeah, I forgot about that.
He got hit hard as fuck by that softball and his face was bleeding.
That show you that picture?
Yeah.
Poor Josh.
You know, he's all right.
Love them, dude.
He had a nice little shorty.
I don't know if that's you guys a friend or something.
I don't I don't even remember what we're at the straight tail.
Yeah.
That was our coworker at Topwell.
I did bigger and better thing.
You see these scrubs he has on?
Yeah, dude.
I don't know CPR.
I hope you're all right.
That is the scariest shit.
I take my lunch breaks at the mall because I just walked there.
It's like two minutes away.
I sit in the food court and I'm like, if somebody starts season up right now, they're going
to look at me and I'm going to be like, dude, I don't know what to tell you.
You don't know how to do CPR at all?
No.
Really?
I've never I have no medical experience.
I just said this is the most medical experience I have is wearing scrubs and looking at insurance.
Can you do CPR?
Yeah, dude.
You guys got to learn.
I know staying alive.
Okay, do that.
Right.
Yeah.
I'm trying to get the heart to beat like staying alive by the Bee Gees.
Oh yeah.
I got you.
I stand alive.
And hopefully they come back because we don't know mouth to mouth.
You still do the mouth to mouth in between.
In between.
You don't do that anymore.
Me too.
You can't do that anymore.
Oh yeah.
You just gotta make sure they're not choking on their tone.
You gotta get up in there.
You just grab the tongue.
Well don't grab it.
You put them on their, well no, you can't do CPR if they're on their side.
But I know you're supposed to put.
If they're, you got to get the heartbeat.
That's the only thing that matters.
You have to get the heartbeat first.
You have to be able to breathe.
Unless they're bleeding, you have to stop the bleeding and get the heart.
It's the ABCs.
See if the airways blocked.
The B is something else.
Then C, compression.
Compressions, dude.
Or maybe A is, I don't know dude.
We at Clown College get CPR certified.
We should do it and we should do all the things like we give each other IV and then we do
the nasal catheter.
Where you lube it up and you gotta put it in there all the way.
Nasal catheter?
It's called something like that, but that's what it is.
Gives you a piss out.
Airway, breathing, circulation.
Okay.
One for three?
One for three.
A 333 average in the MLB, dude.
That's all star level.
Goat level.
So you gonna do it?
You'll let JJ give you an IV?
Under medical supervision.
Brandon, look at my outfit, dude.
I got Birkenstocks on.
So let's walk through this one more time.
IV is, just one more time.
You know when you get your...
Because my thing is I'm making sure we need to see what we're walking into.
Intravenous.
So imagine you're, you've seen movies or TV shows where people at the hospital.
They got the bag of fluid and they got the little needle in their arm.
That's the IV.
He's already out.
I'm good.
Fuck that.
I hate those.
What if we give you like that super soldier serum?
Okay.
Now you got me back in.
I'm just kidding.
There is no super soldier.
It's called deca-debal, Brandon.
Deca-debal?
What is it?
Not like a scar or anything?
No, it's not a scar.
Don't worry about it.
It's what Captain America took.
It is.
We can get you on steroids.
We'll do you like with just one cycle.
You could look like Hulk Hogan, man.
You'd be the next RNC.
Dude, Brandon's swollen as fuck.
Like the rock level swollen.
I just imagine him walking around on his hands for some reason.
I think that's a little racist.
Can't win them all.
Hell yeah, man.
So you wouldn't do it.
How about, look up...
I don't know what the fuck that thing is called.
We had to do it in Vegas.
It's the air.
It's like you put this tube in your nose, right?
You lube it up and then you put it down there so you can breathe.
Nose tube.
We could trach each other.
Not gonna lie, that IV sounds way better.
I heard that's like the most...
Oh, is that like the force feeding stuff?
No, no.
Not through the nose, man.
Let me see.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Not that.
None of those.
It's like the nose.
Oh, shit.
It's not this?
No, it's not that.
What?
It's just like literally like it's way fatter than that.
Why is it like babies with third degree burns?
Why is that?
I'm blurted out.
It's a Harlequin baby.
Harlequin ETS.
This is Ralph.
Oh my gosh.
Nah, go up, go up, go up.
For breathing.
Okay, let me see.
No.
There it is right there.
No, hold on, hold on.
Right there.
No, go over.
This way?
Move that.
Move this shit.
This is ginger.
Yeah.
The blue one, the blue thing.
Right here?
Yeah.
It's a dildo, man.
Yeah, you gotta put up your nose.
They sell that at Enchante Seas.
What the?
That's even worse.
I'd rather get the IV.
Oh, we still haven't got our smelling salts, dude.
Fuck.
We need those.
We do.
We put this in our nose and then take the smelling salts.
And we'll Ozzy Osbourne.
It's only fucking $5.99.
Let's do it.
Now, you have to lube it up real good.
You can't lube it up with blood because if you lube it up with blood, it sticks when
you try to pull it out.
Who has just blood on hand?
Well, if you're bleeding.
Oh, well.
You know.
Just spit.
Hark, two of that.
You do.
You can spit, but it's not, you want-
Some olive oil.
Yeah, now olive oil will be, yeah.
Do that.
Honey.
Sure.
No honey.
I'd rather have the testicuzzi than this piece of shit, dude.
This ain't gonna do nothing for you.
Safe lives.
So Brandon, which one do you want to do?
IV or this?
IV, man.
I'd rather just get a shot.
You'd rather do the IV.
The IV's just a shot, right?
The IV's just a shot right there, right?
It's not even a shot.
Why do they offer Klorna payments on an item that's $5.99?
Holy shit.
Brandon, we'll put some morphine in there.
You feel real good.
Morphine, okay.
You don't have to worry about what it is.
Like Mighty Morphine Power Rangers?
No, man.
I've heard about morphine at hospitals.
What is that?
Like the gum stuff?
Yes, it makes you feel good.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Pain medicine.
Okay.
It's like Advil.
Have you ever taken any kind of pain meds?
You get your wisdom teeth taken out or anything?
No.
I mean, I had something, but it wasn't a wisdom teeth.
It was something else.
But you never got pain medication from the doctor?
No.
Well, just check and see if you did.
If you didn't bring some, bring some on Sunday.
There are people who would pay good money for that kind of thing.
Oh, yeah.
And some people like men don't want to sell hers.
There's, there's.
There's.
I can't believe you're mad at that.
This guy's sweating through two shirts over here, man.
I can't believe this.
You should have seen Brandon on Friday, dude.
Oh, man.
Yeah, I was sweating horrible.
Dude, it was an all-time... He looks like he's got a lot of blood.
He looks like Aquaman, like how he has the different colors on the side of his uniform.
He looked like that.
Yeah.
It was great.
He was two-tone, for real.
It was bad, man.
I remember that.
That was a hack and forth?
Yeah, it was a Bucky shirt.
It was that one, but it was gray.
For real?
Yeah.
That's why you said that.
I was gonna say I'd never seen him with this on.
No.
No, Brandon.
First of all, Brandon gets up there.
They interview him.
The first question they ask, they're like, the Bucky shirt, man.
And Brandon's like, I've never been.
That's the first thing he said.
True.
I've never been.
I wonder about.
And then the dude was like, so somebody just came up to you and be like, hey, you want
this Bucky shirt?
And you just took it?
And Brandon was like, that's exactly what happened.
Explain to them what hack and forth is.
It's like a Kill Tony type show.
They wanted to call it Kill Phony.
It's just the Kill Tony format.
You do instead of one minute, you do three minutes of standup, then like a three to four
minute interview with the panel.
It's a good time.
It's fun.
Dude, we met the photo negative version of Dom.
He's half black, half white, but he's white.
But he's like Samoan white.
He looks Samoan or like Hispanic.
I said my rose joke for him was that he looked like the strongest lesbian at a Quinceañera
because I thought he was Hispanic.
He's you, but like photo negative.
His name's Tyler Cooper, dude.
Shout out.
Tyler Cooper looks nothing like Dom.
He's the photo negative version of Dom.
He's as white as they're both black and white mixed, but he's way wider.
Yeah.
You know, we met him at the pool party.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I know exactly.
Okay.
Let me tell you something.
It's a cool dude.
He's a successful entrepreneur, dude.
He's a great dude, but I don't look like him and he doesn't look like me.
I think it's a diss to both of us.
Yeah, in the slightest.
I mean, if you have an astigmatism, it might be kind of similar, dude.
If you're looking about 50 yards away, same silhouette.
See, that's what I'm thinking.
I'm thinking to myself like, damn, have I let it get this far?
Yeah.
Dude.
Pat, let's get ready to go.
You can't put yourself on the same level as Pat because the health problems you have,
you go to the doctor and take medicine for them.
It's a good thing to have.
Yeah, if you're listening, Pat, it's time to go.
We're praying for you, man.
We're praying for you.
Hey, keep the feet.
You need them.
It's a good thing to have.
You don't want to lose it because where are you going to go if you lose them?
You can't walk.
Ironically, dude, feet are handy.
Feet are very handy to not even be hands, you know?
For real?
Type shit.
Thank you, Matthew.
Type shit.
And that's how we end the podcast.
Thanks guys.
Peace.
Good shit, boys.
That was fun.
Hell yeah.
Good shit.