This week on Clown College.
We went out to Rainsville.
It was next to a house in the middle of a field.
The whole experience was pretty bad.
But we get there and one of the guys is like, he does fighting or whatever.
His little kids are all running around.
A three year old runs up with a knife in her hand.
She's running around with a knife in her hand and he's like, oh no, no, no, no, no.
And he grabs her, turns the knife around in her hand and was like, run that into mommy.
Oh.
Are you serious?
Yeah, for a second I thought he was going to be a father.
Have you ever seen an absent father in the room with their kid?
That's kind of what was happening.
And then we were all sitting around chilling and he's like, hey, so do you guys want to
buy some crack?
Shut the fuck up.
And it got about that quiet.
It was like me and a few other comedians and he was like, I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I don't do it.
And I'm just like, yeah, I can tell by your face.
Welcome to Clown College.
We have profound knowledge.
In many ways to elevate and make yourself polished.
So if you want to hear a little honest, if you take some ways to make it as a comic,
stick around for a while to be down to clown, we got the guests right now just to show you
how.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
Let's all go to Clown College, baby.
It's with Brandon, Willis, Don, and JJ.
Oh, yeah.
They're both recording.
Sure.
Yep.
You see the numbers?
Oh, yeah.
See the one, the zero, the six.
I have to move all the Pokemon cards out of the way, man.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
You still got that one that he opened?
Oh, yeah, man.
Still on my table.
Norman.
Shout out Norman, dude.
Norman, who's that?
Parasol lady.
That was the card.
Oh, okay.
Oh, yeah.
So what's been going on, Brandon?
Man, a lot.
I heard you tried to kill somebody at work.
Oh, man.
See, that was an accident.
It always is.
It was an accident.
I feel like we both messed up in a way, if you think about it, man.
So what happened was, is like the customer was giving me the cash.
Like, they're supposed to.
So I take the cash.
And when you get the cash, everybody knows, you click Tinder and then you press a button
to get the cash, right?
Everybody knows that.
And my banger, so as I was pressing the button, she came at the same time as I was pressing
the button.
I don't know how this happened because she was over there at the moment.
And as soon as I pressed it, boom, they both collide.
And yeah, it hit her in the head.
So the change drawer hit your coworker in the head.
Yes.
It could have been bad.
I would guess she walked over there to help you.
I think she's throwing something away because I have a little trash can down there.
Did she bend down?
Yes.
And then where did the drawer hit her?
Right here.
In the head.
And thankfully she was all right and everybody was fucking me the whole time.
They were like, you know she had staples in her.
I was like, really?
You have staples in your head?
They're like, no, we're just.
That's that tism, dude.
He's like, yeah, they were joking.
She's bleeding out on the floor.
Brandy's like, oh, that's a good one.
Get up now.
Get that drawer up in you, dude.
Yeah, that was, I'm sorry.
That happened today?
The other day.
Really?
The other day.
Thankfully, yeah.
Everything's good now.
We're still in people's money and fucking people's money.
That change drawer is heavy.
All the money he stole from customers.
It came out so fast.
I never, like, dude, the whole store froze.
Everybody's like, even the person in front of me is like, oh my gosh, the other cash
register person.
I was like, you good?
I was sounding like Dante the whole time.
I was like, you good?
You good?
Dude, you know what, Brandon?
He actually lasted longer than I did at Cashier and Dude.
I got fired from Target.
Oh yeah, man.
They gave me a raise from that Cashier.
Hell yeah, dude.
They gave you a raise for the Cashier?
Oh yeah, they were like, you know what, fuck it, man.
You out here doing outstanding work, you out there bagging and what's that, skin at the
same time, you're doing it.
Double trouble.
Hell yeah.
It's so good.
Dual threat.
I'll be doing it and then when I have a bag, they'll be like, you know what, Brandon don't
need that.
When I actually do, but they just want to, okay, that's cool.
I'm good.
One man army at the Cashier.
One man army.
Two man army, but whatever.
How do you feel about self checkouts, man?
Well sadly we don't have them.
If we did, I mean, shit.
Oh yeah, y'all don't, Publix don't have self checkouts.
No, no we do.
Some of them do.
But that one doesn't.
It's too small.
Too small.
Too small to have a self check out in that one.
That one's weird, bro.
It always, it makes me feel like I'm going into some kind of like museum.
Oh yeah, it's nice in there.
I don't like it.
Where's that, Elvin Harvest?
Twickenham.
Fuck is Twickenham.
It's right next to the hospital.
Downtown, medical district.
Oh yeah, okay I know that.
With Taco Mama, Mayways, Steam, what was it?
The Cajun.
What the fuck is that?
Yeah, the Steamer?
The Steamer.
Cajun Steamer.
Oh fuck yeah.
And Cookie Fix.
Cleveland Steamer.
No, no.
Cajun.
What?
Cajun, no Cleveland, man.
I wish.
Cleveland, they got some good food.
You like Cleveland Steamer.
Well you know Cleveland's in Louisiana.
No man, no.
Oh I try, I try.
That's a pie.
I'm sorry man.
I didn't know you knew your geography like that.
Yeah, Cavaliers, man.
But you would like a Cleveland Steamer, wouldn't you?
Cleveland what?
Cleveland Steamer.
Oh hell yeah, I thought you said Steamer.
Yeah, he'd like it.
Yeah, it's way better than Seaman.
Honestly, I don't know man.
I don't know if I'd take the Seaman or the Steamer, dude.
Actually, that is tough.
Because dude, listen, Cajun Steamer, I mean I'm not trying to.
Cleveland Steamer.
Cleveland Steamer, okay.
Well Cleveland, I never had Cleveland Steamer.
I mean Cleveland Steamer.
You've taken a few Cleveland's.
Yeah.
What does this mean?
Cleveland Steamer, look it up.
On Urban Dictionary.
I used to do a series on my Instagram, Urban Dictionary Vocabulary, dude.
There's some interesting words out there.
Yeah, I would like to see some of those.
Oh man, they teach you some stuff.
Let's see.
Urban Dictionary, Cleveland Steamer.
Let's read this out.
I got you.
The Cleveland Steamer is far more specific than the listings I have seen here.
A sexual act by nature, fetish, the Cleveland Steamer is when one person craps on another
person's chest and very importantly then sits down and rocks back and forth like a steam
roller.
Yeah.
Example, Billy had just gotten out of the shower so me and John gave men a Cleveland
Steamer.
Damn.
So you ever have one of those?
No, I'm good.
You wouldn't do that.
Hell no.
That was back in 04, you could do it back then.
Yeah.
That was perfectly fine.
I think Blippi did that, man.
You don't know about Blippi, right?
What?
The children's icon?
Oh, he did get in trouble.
Yes, yes.
He did get in trouble.
It's on camera.
Of course.
It's on camera.
I've watched it.
Let's look that up.
Hold on.
What did you watch?
So dude, there's literally footage of Blippi crouching like you do on the toilet, but it's
the other way and the dude's on the other side and he's just shitting on his dude.
It's horrible.
Really?
What's up with all these people getting exposed for gay sexual acts as of recently?
That's behind it, man.
Sketch.
Oh, sketch.
Blippi.
Blippi, who else?
Who's going to be next, dude?
I knew that dude.
Ellen DeGeneres.
Marlon Brando.
Did he do something?
That's up recently.
Oh, I saw it all the time.
He's been dead for a while.
They're recently bringing it up.
Oh man, Cabman probably.
But they recently brought it up.
He was in there with Richard Pryor and stuff.
Yeah, they used to bang.
For real?
Yeah.
I don't know.
For real?
Yeah.
Richard Pryor and...
Yeah.
Huh.
Yeah.
I can't see it.
Yeah.
No, no.
I just didn't know.
His world is crumbling.
That's good, man.
Yeah.
That's good.
I like the Godfather.
He just bangs sometimes.
Hell yeah, man.
I like the Godfather.
Bang, bang, bang, man.
Godfather fathering in there, man.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Do you think he was on top?
Richard had to be the one taking control, man.
So you think Richard had him?
Oh, hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
Marlon, he probably more quieter guy.
But then again, quiet can surprise you.
So you never really know.
You think Marlon Brando was a quiet guy?
Pretty relaxed.
I mean, I just saw Godfather.
I mean, when he talk about, hey, how you doing?
He stole my heart and shit.
So when I hear that, I'm trying to do a...
I'm trying to do a paraphrase.
How does he talk?
Let's see.
He's like, my name is Marlon Brando and I'm in the Godfather and stuff.
Because he would talk about...
That's my favorite line.
What's that word?
What's that word that he says?
You got to...
What is it?
You better accept the offer.
We got an offer you can't refuse.
You better accept the offer.
You got an offer you can't refuse.
I mean, it's almost perfect.
Yeah.
I mean, I have no director's notes, dude.
Actually, but he was a method actor, so I mean, if he's dedicated, he could have probably...
Yeah, he could have took action.
Yeah, he was acting though.
You know, that's not who...
Yeah, I don't know anything about him as a person.
That's what we were talking about.
Have you ever seen him in any other movie?
I've seen clips.
Like, from the 50s, I don't know which movies they were in.
I just see clips of him walking around looking like Vito Scoletto from Mafia II, which they
based him off of.
No.
No, I mean, my bad.
Vito is based off of Marlon.
Yeah.
You're not talking about Marlon Harris?
No, no, no.
Oh, what'd you say?
No, I said Marlon Brando.
Okay, okay.
And then you got Vito Scoletta, who he's based off of.
From Mafia II, the video game.
Best game in the world, I think, all the time.
Mafia II.
Yes.
So if I went back up, because you told me all three of them would be like $5.
That shit was like $80.
What was $80?
For all the Mafia.
All three of them?
Really?
Yeah.
That's weird.
It was more than fucking $5.
Probably for PS5.
Was it on the shop?
Yeah.
I think I had to get that physical or something.
That's a damn shame.
Yeah, because I wanted to play it.
Mafia II is good.
I'll vouch for Brando.
And I never played the original, but I played two and three.
They're both pretty solid.
You need to play the original.
Last time I took a game advice was from Justin Letlow with Cyberpunk.
I think that was more user error.
I agree.
I bought it too.
You were there trying to play it too.
Yeah, well, just because I was bad at it.
Too much.
That's why I wanted to play Elvin Ray.
There's not enough fighting in it.
I don't think we made it to the fighting parts, really.
No, dude.
No, man.
I put hours into it.
It wasn't like I just put an hour.
Well, yeah, but you started a level, then you fell asleep for three hours.
No, dude.
I put at least six hours into the game to be like, it's going to do something.
It's like, oh, Keanu came.
That was kind of cool, kind of confusing, but we'll go with it.
Keanu Reeves was also in the new SpongeBob movie.
Oh, yeah.
I remember that.
I bet that was badass.
I'm going to watch it on Netflix now.
I don't have it, but I use my go-to.
I'll watch it later.
I can't watch it.
Oh, we went to go see Deadpool vs. Wolverine.
We can't give out any spoilers here now because I won't be a part of it.
I won't be a part of pieces of shit who give out spoilers.
Me neither.
Even though this will come out.
Somebody heard them, dude.
Yeah.
Me neither.
Don't do that shit.
It is lame to do that.
Who was the NFL player?
Was it Le'Veon Bell?
Who spoiled what?
Spoiled something.
He spoiled in-game.
I think I know what you're talking about.
Look up who spoiled in-game.
Let's see.
In one of the Avengers movies.
It just like I lost all respect for him.
I can't take it.
Like, why do you if you don't care that much.
LaShawn McCoy.
They got bold letters and shit, man.
Let's see.
LeShawn.
LeShawn McCoy.
Let's see what he looks like.
Just put an image.
Why are you?
Let's see.
No, we have to do this.
Look at this dude.
Oh, okay.
It's a cool dude, man.
But he going to spoil stuff?
That's not good, man.
He spoiled it, bro.
That's not cool, man.
Man, was he a good running back?
He was shifty.
Very shifty.
Yeah.
He seems like a nice feller, man.
He's probably a cool guy, but I still was pissed off.
I mean, that's what he's going to be known for.
Yeah.
Besides football.
Yeah.
And he's on one of those talk shows for sports now.
Oh, well they hire anybody on one of those.
Dude, I'm telling you.
They were trying to switch Fox Sports, right?
Was trying to fix all this shit like Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith.
They were trying to do all their shows like that.
Besides Colin Calhurt.
And the one, Speak for Yourself, had Jason Whitlock fat slur, fucking coon ass mouth
on that.
I can't stand this fat bitch.
I swear to God.
If he died today, I would fucking cheer because he's a fat, coon, Uncle Ruckus piece of
fucking shit.
Jason Whitlock, you slur mouth cheeseburger eating bitch.
Oh my gosh.
But other than that, it's just wasn't a good night.
That's exactly what I was thinking too, man.
The one sports commentator I can't stand is, well there's two.
Colin Calhurt.
You don't like Colin?
I don't like Colin Calhurt.
Just because he seems whiny to me.
And then Malika Andrews because she never knows what the fuck she's talking about.
Does she not?
No.
She gives off a vibe of somebody who you would not want to be around.
It's like somebody who went to Harvard to be a sports journalist.
Is that what she did?
I don't know if she did, but that's the vibe she gives off.
That's the vibe she gives off.
Well now Brandon's on Colin Calhurt's side because he's standing.
Fucks with wrestling?
Charlotte Flair.
That's what's up.
Loves it, dude.
Charlotte Flair and Natalia.
Heart Foundation.
I think anybody would fuck with wrestling if you were standing right there, dude.
Oh yeah.
You know what I mean?
Look how giddy he is.
Look at that snap.
He's doing the hover hands thing.
He's thinking about molesting him.
Oh yeah.
He cut off camera.
You know, we can do more than wrestling.
Look at that.
I mean his face.
Pure terror.
Strikes my heart when I see that little rat face right there, dude.
Nothing good when you see that.
But yeah, I mean I personally, my favorite form of sports media is NBA on TNT, which is
sadly inside the NBA.
Inside the NBA.
Probably the greatest, right?
I'm trying to think of another one.
What could be better?
In terms of just like fun, definitely number one.
Longevity too.
Yeah.
They got that on their side.
And then like Ernie and Kenny always know what the fuck they're talking about.
So even though you got the two funny motherfuckers back there.
Who never know what they're talking about.
When a guy's banging you, these young guys, they coming, man.
Dude, if you guys don't know, go watch the compilations on YouTube.
They're so good.
They spend so many hours of it and all of them are good.
If you start from the fucking like end of the nineties to two thousands and they're
still, he's talking about San Antonio, the woman being big.
And some big women up in San Antonio.
And then he starts eating the troes and it looks like he's double fisting cocks.
Yeah, that was awesome.
They would race to the scoreboard.
Shaq would blow out three knees.
You know he's from here too, right?
Who?
Charles Barkley.
He's from Huntsville?
He's from Leeds.
Which is like around Birmingham.
Oh, okay.
He came to one of these schools over here.
What was it, Columbia?
I think.
They need somebody over there.
Columbia here?
Oh yeah, Columbia High School.
Yeah, it's like close to, I think it's close to here kind of.
Oh, that's where he went to high school?
No, he went to do something like I was saying.
Oh, okay.
That's where our student taught at, man, was Columbia and they need some help over there.
That's where I met Magic Johnson.
They had a camp down there, man.
You see the smile on his face?
Why'd you do that smile?
Brandon received a magic touch.
Man, I remember how happy I was that day, man.
You still can feel it, can't you?
That's when I thought I was going to be in the NBA.
You still can.
Nah, I'm good.
Well, we're about to see when we play this basketball.
Which is never going to happen.
Defense.
Why?
I'm ready.
It just has to be like one time where you guys were all like on a Saturday or something
and nobody's doing nothing.
I'm down whenever, dude.
Yeah.
We're going to get it defensively.
I ain't playing when I just get off work.
It's just not going to happen.
I can lie to you and tell you I would, but I'm not going to.
I'm ready.
Maybe a Friday will be the best.
Maybe a Friday because you can just go out there and even if you're tired, you're done
unless you got to shovel that fuck down.
Yeah.
All right.
Matthew Lumber, Blake Russell, we need you, dude.
We need you guys and Charlie.
Charlie already said he's down.
Oh, well then yeah, Charlie.
So who's the teams?
Me, Brandon, and Charlie.
Okay.
First, me, Lumber.
I believe in us, dude.
I do too.
I believe in us.
We have the best basketball player in Huntsville.
How bad?
I'm just going to stop bullshitting.
How bad we are going to beat you guys.
Brandon, you won't score a point on me.
Listen to me.
You won't score a point on me and I will score 50% of the buckets.
I disagree.
That'll be our team.
My defense is king, man.
That's my shit.
My defense.
Clamp.
Sense.
D. That's it.
Hall of Fame Clamps.
And then we get some layups in there.
We get some layups in there.
Acrobatic layups.
Get some mid shots.
If you ever touch the, if they ever give you the ball to touch it, I'm stealing it immediately.
Okay.
Challenge accepted.
We'll see.
It's going to be good.
We'll have some clips.
We could throw like a little montage up whenever it happens.
Oh, dude, we're posting the whole game.
We're posting the whole game.
You just see all of us over there on our hands on our knees like.
Oh, yeah.
They're like Michael Jordan, huh?
Remember when he did that?
Yeah, not in the same way.
Oh, just more like.
More of like we're exhausted and can't move and probably will need a week to recover.
I'm going to bring my haler that night.
Yeah, you're going to need it then.
Yeah, I'm fucking.
I don't, I don't bring it out.
I never do.
I almost died a couple of times.
I don't bring it out, but this time I will.
Yeah.
This time I will.
It's for the best.
Yeah.
It's for the best.
Brandon, I will say he's very slippery on offense.
He is?
Because he's sweating.
He'll maneuver right in between all three of y'all.
It wasn't my best night that night, but it was good.
What night?
That basketball night we did.
It was broad daylight.
That's the most interesting part to be.
Defense was alright.
2 p.m.
Defense was pretty good.
It was alright.
But whenever you came back, you said you were the best of the three.
With defense, I'm pretty good with defense.
Why you keep.
I'm talking about when you guys initially came back.
Brandon, talk your shit.
Talk your shit, Brandon.
They said you were the best and you were like.
This is our team he's talking about, man.
Yep, and we good.
And we're going to get this.
Larry versus Bird.
Yeah, we're going to get this.
We're going to get it.
I remember.
OK, I'm going to be.
So were you the best that day is all I want to know.
Best that day?
Yes.
No, no.
Defensibly, yes.
But my asthma was whooping my ass that day.
I'm going to be honest, man.
I got on board because everybody was saying I didn't.
At first I was like, for real?
Fuck yeah.
All right.
But listen, defensively.
Uh huh.
And layup.
Defensibly he was the best.
And layup shots and maybe even some mid shots.
We can get that.
Especially, yep, we can get that.
I start running a little bit.
Get that endurance up.
Brandon, how about this?
If you score on me.
Oh, OK.
That doesn't matter about win or losing.
If you score one point on me, I'll give you $100.
Challenge accepted.
Brandon's going to get that $100.
I'm getting $100.
Yeah, dude.
Brandon, you won't score on me.
Oh, man.
Challenge accepted.
I need that knee.
Everybody understand.
I am terrible at basketball.
The only thing I am good at, and that's how I know when people are bad, is what they say,
because the only thing I am kind of good at is defense.
Defense.
But I'm not really good at it because I'm just going to foul you.
But we don't call fouls, dude.
Yeah, so you're not calling fouls.
Now I won't hold you or anything, but I will give you a little check.
He'll touch you.
Yeah.
You will get touched.
We used to that.
It's all right, man.
Fucking wrestling, man.
Yeah, that's what he was talking about.
Oh yeah, wrestling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, there we go.
Wrestling, man.
What are y'all thinking, man?
Be cool, man.
Be cool.
Hit it with the forearm shiver.
Yeah, man.
I did football for a year.
I didn't know shit about it.
Yeah, Brandon.
I just asked Brandon what a linebacker was.
He said, the dude who catches the ball.
Yeah, that's one of these.
Sometimes.
Dude.
Yeah, very rarely.
Very rarely.
Hey, you taught me.
You're like, watch Madden.
I should have done that.
Played Madden.
I should have played Madden.
What was it?
When was I in middle school?
I don't know.
Probably like- 2014.
Really?
2014?
Yeah.
Okay, in 10 years ago, I should have played Madden.
I feel like I would have been better in there.
People are like, you don't know about it?
I was like, yeah.
Nah, man.
He just asked me to be on it.
They were like, hell yeah.
Every time I go to a barbershop, I was fat.
Everybody be like, man, you should play football.
I was like, all right.
Get you on the line.
I don't know about it, but I was like, all right, fuck it.
You would have been a good left tackle because your feet go out like this.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, like ducks, man.
You automatically got that side base.
Hell yeah.
I could have seen Brandon being the best center of all time.
Oh, man.
I just wish I could have went up against somebody like Brandon if he was on the line and I was
at the end.
You didn't know what was going on?
Yeah.
I would literally pick you up by your pads and run you into the quarterback.
Back in the day- That's good for you, though.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Back in the day, yeah.
I didn't know shit.
$100, Brandon.
We got to go.
$100, yeah.
He's going to get that $100.
You think so?
I'm 100% sure.
$100, one point.
Yeah.
No free throws.
Hell yeah.
And it doesn't count if you get fouled.
As long as it goes in the bucket, it has to go in the bucket.
We'll get Charlie to set a screen.
I'm telling you.
Oh, shit.
JJ, you remember when we were there and that dude kept on coming up to me.
What was it?
The one with the hat when every time I was shooting, he's like, there you go.
Remember that dude?
The guy on the other team that was guarding you?
Yeah, I remember that.
What happened?
The guy that was guarding Brandon when he would get a shot off.
Yeah.
He was like, good job.
But he wouldn't do that with the defense.
Didn't do that with the defense.
He was just being, it was just sportsmanship.
It was just sportsmanship, Dom.
I was like, fuck sportsmanship that day, man.
And Brandon could have taken enough breaths to speak, he would have been like, fuck you.
My ass a little fucked up.
Stuff happens.
Oh, man.
That's our starting, that's our point guard.
I got to get my, no, I'm center, man.
Has Charlie ever played basketball ever in his life?
I think he's probably stinkily good.
He was like, yeah, I'm down.
So he's like, I don't think he's saying he's good, but.
Do you think he's going to play with or without a hat on?
He's going to have a headband.
He have to, right?
Either he either has a headband on or he wraps his hair up.
I wear a headband too, man.
You wear a headband?
Hell yeah.
When you went in there?
No, I didn't last time.
I said I will.
That is good for sweating.
I'm going to get an arm sleeve and all this for one day.
I got new Kobe's in there.
Compression sleeve and shit.
Yeah, dude, I'm going to get all that shit for one fucking game.
It's going to be tough.
Just so you don't score on me, Brandon.
All right, challenge accepted.
See you guys in a minute.
We got Ash Kennedy on the pot.
Hell yeah.
It's a great fucking, it's a good one.
I wonder what it's going to be like.
Me too.
We didn't record it three days ago.
No way.
Hell no, we definitely recorded it, but it's a good one.
It's a beast.
Just straight conversation, good shit.
All right.
Bang.
This week's featured comedian.
She's like, no, like what you.
And I was like, oh man, it's weird to wish your mom could say the word sex.
But I was like, I was like, you know, like a menu.
She's like, yeah, like a menu.
And I'm like, at first I was like, that's fucking crazy.
But then I thought if I had to go to a warehouse, I would absolutely love a menu.
Don't make me say no.
Wow.
Just let me be like, I'll have a number two.
Please don't do balls with me at the same time.
All right.
I feel like we've gotten pretty, pretty comfortable with each other.
So I'm going to tell you guys something really private before I get off stage.
Don't judge me.
Well, I guess you can judge me, but I also have stickers.
But I'm going to tell you guys, you know, my, my marriages weren't all bad.
My second, my second wife, we had some good times.
She found it really attractive when I would go down on her strap on.
But I would just get so embarrassed when she walked in on me doing it.
I'm interested in this.
Me too.
I'm interested in it and I need to know about it.
I'm a shit on it at first.
Basically, basically at some point we both probably fucked a woman who was in the crystal.
A lot of bisexual women like the crystals.
They have like the cloth board and the crystals in the different positions.
I don't know what it means, but I like it.
I have the daily crystal app just to learn.
I would learn one a day.
Oh my God.
I only remember one.
Oh man, as a lesbian, like he just out did me.
I'm just showing up like, I just showed up with a vagina.
I have to do at least 14 things to get to that point.
It's hard.
They're putting us in competition with each other and we're really just the sad same boys
on the same side.
For real though.
And we need that.
We need that.
Team together.
Solidarity.
Gosh, because there's so much I don't know, man.
All right.
We got somebody special on the podcast.
We have somebody very special on the podcast.
Who we got?
Who is it?
We have a veteran of the nation and of Huntsville County.
I didn't even pick a branch.
I was just like, I'm here to serve.
Mix the clothing.
You know?
We have the same haircut pretty much.
We probably target similar women and target might not have been the best verb to use.
That's a strong word to use.
Guys we have Ash Kennedy on the podcast.
Hey Ash.
Hell yeah.
Hello.
What's up girl?
What's going on?
Good.
How are y'all?
Fantastic.
They were like, you want to smoke before this?
No.
I'm good.
So excuse me.
I am sober.
There's nothing wrong with being sober.
I'm not.
But I'm not drinking up.
We say that.
No, they know.
They know.
It's a problem.
You know I'm disappointed in you, man.
Why?
Bring this fucking Celsius on the podcast.
See I brought this.
He's an energy drink connoisseur.
Do you drink energy drinks?
No.
Apparently in like the last couple of years, I've been drinking energy drinks.
I've been drinking energy drinks.
You know, I just enlarge your heart and my heart's big enough.
I'm so stupid.
This is not a good one though?
No man.
Celsius?
No dude.
You have three kids and go to yoga in the morning?
Damn.
Maybe.
Well hey, it doesn't look like it.
I mean that seems.
But you know, you do.
I feel like though if that was his life, he really would need the best energy drink on
the market, you know?
This is like the trendy upper echelon of energy drinks, like Celsius and Elani.
Those are the ones that are targeted.
That's a shit troll.
Like the Fiji water?
Yeah.
Yeah, basically.
It's like Fiji and Evian.
What's your favorite water?
Probably Fiji water.
That shit is so good.
It is good though.
Fiji I can taste the difference.
But like if I'm buying, I'm buying great value water.
Yeah.
Like sometimes smart waters, per fluid ounce, you're paying less than you would with a smaller
bottle of water.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean not all the time, but like you pay attention.
Just weird.
Did you guys see that Dasani rebranded after they've just been known for being the shittiest
brand of water for the past five years?
No.
They rebranded.
They have like a different design now.
I think it doesn't taste like shit anymore.
I stopped drinking Dasani years ago when I found out that like in like certain countries
in Africa they'll like charge people more for water than they will a Coke.
And I was like, well fuck y'all.
I mean I'm sure a lot of the other brands do it too, but I was like fuck Dasani.
I don't like to talk shit about a group of people with the Africans or with the Kenyan.
Was it in Kenya?
I don't remember which country.
It was like, you know at the time it was white television.
So it was just like, you know, the whole continent.
Let's just count the whole continent as one country.
That's what I used to do.
Until I start meeting them and realizing that.
Yeah.
People are different.
Very different.
Yeah.
Vastly different.
Right.
Yeah.
The Kenyans talk a lot of shit.
Told me, he told, for real he told me, you know how they tell black people to go back
to Africa?
He was like, well you can't come.
The elitist group.
Fucking Camara.
I have, I've like, I've seen that because I've seen people be able to like, like trace
their ancestry back and then like get this really warm welcoming and then, and then I
also sometimes, cause I keep my algorithm pretty diverse.
Like people from like different countries being like, no, the American people are not
welcome here.
And I'm like, oh, a hundred percent.
I'm like, okay.
And you know that I think Africans don't know that black, black Americans can tell the difference
between just looking at them.
You'd be like, that's an African person.
And then, cause they try to, they try to do what's that?
What's that shit called?
When you hi dog whistles, like try to talk shit.
He's like, I'm an American and I don't, and I like Trump.
You know what I'm saying?
Like we can clearly tell you're African and you don't live here.
Yeah.
I feel like this is going on an anti African tirade.
Well, let me talk about the English cause I can tell that they're English even with
the sound off, you know, right?
Cause it's like the way they're.
It's the way, well, I was going to say it's the way their mouth moves over their teeth.
I read this post one time on the internet and it really stuck with me that Americans
always shift their weight to one foot when they're standing.
And I realized I do that.
And I've looked at other people, Americans, they really do do that.
I shift my weight to my right foot for sure.
I do my left.
What about you?
Depends on which knee's hurting.
It's because of our healthcare system.
It's the VA, you guys.
Americans have not met their deductible.
Do you go to the VA for?
I do.
You do?
I do.
I know you got, you have the joke.
First of all, Ash Kennedy, hilarious.
She'll take you down, she'll take you down a dark path and then bring you right back
up.
Everybody fucking laughs.
I love you.
I love your shit.
I mean, if you've noticed this is about standup comedy, but I really try to arrange my jokes
to really kind of throw everybody emotionally all over the place.
Are you comfortable?
Too bad.
Hell yeah.
But yeah, I do get VA care.
I don't want to discourage anybody from going to get VA care.
It's not pleasant.
Well, I mean, it just takes so long.
And they don't do the things that you, I went to ask for testosterone because I need some
more shit in my balls, right?
So I'm like, can we do a test, you know, just test my test testosterone there?
She's like, well, you're too young.
I'm like, I don't think you, what the fuck does that matter?
Just you know, I've taken my word for it.
What am I a woman at the doctor?
Rude.
I just told you what my problem is.
You don't even want to test for it.
Exactly.
But that's it.
It took me, it took me nine months to get eczema cream.
Okay.
It's not, it's not, I wasn't asking for opioid.
You had to carry it out for the term, dude.
Yeah.
I'm like, I'm just ready to go.
As the same time as somebody to have a baby, that's how long it took me to get eczema cream.
I went to appointment and it took four hours.
I get in the room and I'm like, to that point, cause you know, it's, it's stressful.
I'm like near tears.
She walks in and she's like, calm down.
And I'm like, I mean, I wasn't even, it was like, I'm a quiet crier.
You know what I mean?
Like my father taught me well.
I was so mad though.
I just wanted to be like, man, and bitch, if I did not need healthcare right now, I
would say something to you.
Oh dude, I was going to go ahead.
The VA so bad, you got to turn to crystals for help.
I want to know what that one is real bad, but you studied them.
Right?
Study it.
You didn't make that woman long enough to know it.
I remember Rose amethyst.
That's the one that I remember specifically.
It's for attracting your, your crush basically.
So it's like a little, and yeah, dude, I've had one up my ass for years.
Nothing ever happened.
You know, I'm in a very happy relationship.
Congratulations.
That wasn't convincing.
I am.
We love you, Maddie.
What happens with these crystals?
I guess it depends on the, the, I guess whoever you're talking to, the way, the way I look
at it is like, it'll, uh, like I had, had one that was supposed to like help with confidence
and changing patterns or whatever.
So then like when I would look down at it, I'd be like, what am I doing in this moment
that I've been doing before that doesn't work for me?
And like, how can I change that?
And like, it actually helped, like, cause I was, it brought about an awareness to me
that helped me to be able to kind of analyze what wasn't working.
Cause it's so hard to change your own patterns because you're literally on autopilot.
You know, that's so real, dude.
That's so real.
Like you, you, it takes a lot to, it takes a lot to know what your, what you need to,
uh, what your patterns are.
And then when somebody else tells you, you're like, man, fuck this motherfucker.
You know what I mean?
You're like, fuck, you want to focus this motherfucker?
Yeah.
Talking about, but then yeah, if you can realize it and if something helps you do that, cause
I will shit on, uh, what's that?
Crystals?
Yeah.
You love Crystals dude, you're in their drive through five nights a week.
Dom's gonna, he's gonna run it like us, he's gonna run into a bisexual woman and she's
gonna be like, she just has to be Latina.
Been waiting.
Oh dude.
Yeah.
That hasn't happened to me yet, but I would like that.
No Latinos?
Ah.
You gotta try a Latino.
Now, it will be the worst for your mental health.
It will be the worst for that.
But other than that.
Hey, that's good shit.
Oh yeah, I'm trying to remember, it's hard for me to like parse out cause I've dated
all types of women.
I don't know.
Yeah.
It's, it's hard here in Alabama.
And just, I keep getting stuck with just the regular white girls, you know, which I mean,
they're like, but I have like, but it's also, it's like, I don't, uh, I do have like requirements,
I guess.
Like if they are white women, they have to be comfortable in a room full of black people.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Because you see, like, you see sometimes like people like, it's, it's like, they're very
aware that they're the only, like we're the only white people in the room.
And I'm like, everybody can see how aware you are of that right now.
And it's weird.
You know what I mean?
You try to overcompensate too.
Yeah.
There was like this pride thing in Huntsville where it was, it was a, an open conversation
for the black community to talk about like what keeps them away from pride.
Right.
So we sat in the, me and my wife at the time sat in the back, right?
We listened to this whole thing.
We're learning all this stuff.
It's really, it's really good.
And then after it, the two only other white people in the entire room made a beeline for
us.
We saw them coming and we were like, no, no, like, no, no, no.
Talk to people and then we can chat later.
But I'm like, y'all are, I don't know.
Yeah.
But I do do that too.
If it's a, if it's, if I, now, if it's a whole bunch of white people, I do, I feel some type
of way.
You should.
Cause I'm just like, I'm just like, oh fuck man.
You're very popular with the white community.
Yeah.
But not, not whenever it's just me.
Yeah.
You know, if I'm there with somebody, if I'm there with somebody else or we got like two
or three, like a couple of little pepper flakes, you know what I'm saying?
Then I feel more comfortable.
But when it's just me, I, it tightens me all the way up.
If I do see a black person, I'm like, I'm running to him.
But that's, but that's a, that's like the complete opposite situation though.
You know what I mean?
Like, because, yeah, because the context is totally different.
Cause like, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm fine.
Well, I mean, I was like in, in grade school, I went to this little school in North Carolina,
Goldsboro, North Carolina called North Drive Elementary and yeah.
Sup North Drive.
What's up fourth graders?
I know they're watching the podcast.
But like I was the, like one of like three white kids in my entire grade.
So I got like a crash course in it.
Sometimes I laugh about it though, because like if when I, when I hang around people,
you know, like as a child too, you pick up on speech patterns and I just love the idea
of like a nine, me as a nine year old girl going home with the same speech patterns to
my parents who like almost named me Reagan.
You know, they must've been like, oh, I don't know.
Yeah, no, I had the thing like we're all through my school.
It was 50 50 black and white, but I never knew any Hispanic people or any Asian people.
I was like, never, never, like until I met Alex and he covered both of those bases were
covered when I met Alex.
You're good.
You've got that covered.
I was like, that's good.
I don't need it.
I'm Columbus.
I stopped in the Caribbean.
That's all I need.
I understand that though.
That's how I feel too down when I'm traveling, man.
You go deeper in the South.
You never know what you're going to get.
My heart, your chest are tightened up.
Yeah.
Especially when you got to get that gas.
Like the people at Coleman, they're like, let's go get some gas.
They do that stare.
Oh yeah, man.
You know, and it's, it's interesting because like,
I think it's one of the benefits of like being a queer person is that like, I understand
the subtleties of knowing like, if this person is treating me like shit because I'm a woman
or if it's because I'm queer, you know what I mean?
And it's like, so it's, it's, it's like, you know, when y'all, y'all talk about like the
experiences that you've had, I'm like, I can 100% know exactly that understanding of like
that little bit of difference that you know somebody is being a certain way.
Sometimes people are just shitting, they're having a bad day, but then sometimes it's
like you've got some personal shit you seem to need to work through.
Like you know, when it's somebody who's just like, just got off work and he's tired, he
has to go back, see his kids, which he don't like, you know what I'm saying?
But there's the thing too though is like white people are allowed to have bad days like that.
Black people are not, you know what I mean?
Like if like a, if a guy was acting grumpy or whatever like that, they, it would just
be treated so differently.
Like, you know, we let him live here and now he, now he wants to act like this.
He gave him a house in the back, dude.
I'm making this podcast too serious, sorry.
We've talked about the VA race.
And crystals.
Yeah.
Crystals.
Which I still want to know more about.
Me too.
I just want to do it.
Okay.
Well, I do know this.
Look, start looking up some crystals.
Yeah, let's look up some crystals.
And my limited information that I do have, I did know a girl one time who had a cloth
like Zodiac kind of pattern thing.
And she would place crystals at different places on the thing to plan like her week.
Yeah, I'm attracted to this woman.
And I know that's probably not healthy.
She's great.
She's awesome.
But I don't, I didn't know the science behind that, but I do know kind of like they mean
different things and it is like a being mindful thing.
Like you were saying, like it is a great reminder to have it there.
If, if, if that's what it does for you, then it works.
Yeah, it's like a lot of like an ancient kind of, well, I'm not, I don't know about crystals
or whatever, but like the chakras and stuff like that.
If you study those, like they're, they're actual medical kind of understandings of like
where we hold things in our body and how it affects us and everything that's like kind
of going on.
So it's like, it's interesting, like on a, on a base level, humans have always kind of
figured that there are these, this like way to need to take care of ourselves in ways
that we typically ignore on a day to day.
And like, you need to take time to be able to have the mindfulness of it.
I think that's why I like religion and stuff is, you know, can be such a valuable tool
if you're using it, you know, yeah, religion works.
If you, I mean, cause if you believe in something so hard, you know, like if you believe that
yeah, whatever the religion is, you know, it's like you'll, you'll, you'll live longer.
Like you're, you're going through like cancer or something.
You have a better chance of living if you believe in whatever God you believe in and
you just focus all on that, but still get the, still get the treatment, but you just
focus all on that.
I believe for sure, dude, for sure.
Like I'm not calling all religions this, but like placebo, the medical efficacy is there.
Like it works.
You get somebody, you're like, religion is an amazing placebo guy.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
But that was some real shit you were saying.
Cause I feel different emotions in different parts of my body.
Fear is stomach for sure.
I'm like, I get this like pit in my stomach for sure.
Fear is in your stomach.
What else?
What else you got?
Dude, anger, anger.
I feel it with my soul, bro.
Anger is real for me, man.
I feel it in my eyes.
Ooh.
Okay.
Like when I get angry, I feel it in my eyes.
My shit starts twitching and shit.
Here's a, here's a question.
When you are fighting emotion, where do you feel it?
Cause I feel it in my throat.
Like it clamps down.
Yeah.
Yes.
I agree with that.
That's why you're trying to, to not, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
I'd say like right in here.
So like that, see having that kind of awareness is interesting.
Cause then like I'll be sitting there and then I'll realize I'm feeling that feeling.
Like I'm like, what am I, what am I knocking down in this moment?
And like, we're not going to cry in the middle of this kangaroo, but what we are going to
do is acknowledge that we want to and figure out why later, you know?
I love that.
This is the first time we've had a real conversation on this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is very refreshing.
Welcome to the Ash Kennedy clown podcast.
Episode 40 baby.
Hell yeah.
40.
Fuck yeah.
Four zero.
That's what it is.
We in this.
So Dom, do you date younger or older women?
Same age?
I love older, but now that I'm this old, probably younger.
Turn the cameras off so we can high five.
Cause man, I love older women.
Gen X women are, they are, they are something else because they are like, it's like their,
their mothers dealt with the whole, uh, like right after the Roe v Wade thing and still
experienced a lot of sexism.
So they're like hella tough, kind of scary, kind of my type.
But yeah, they, uh, now that they're, they're in their forties, they're, um, I'm going to
get canceled.
You start to dig down a little bit.
Not that far.
Yeah.
They took about five years.
You know, they're not the best communicators.
No, no, no.
Yeah.
I'd say about like, see I'm 36.
I'd say about like 32 or 30.
Really, really for females, anything over 27.
Yeah, same.
Yeah, right.
Same.
I need, I need like a little bit of maturity.
Cause you can't go with like, I mean, if they're really hot, maybe you can dip down
Yeah.
But I, for like you're 19 and I feel like I could pretend you're mature.
No, no, no, no, not, not do that.
I have to be able to drink.
It is weird though, that there's like people our age that are like dating people that I
don't see how, I don't see how you're so bored.
Oh God, you dude.
It's terrible.
My, I did the math.
I never really thought about this until I was like 17 or 18 years old.
I did the math when I was born, my dad was 36 and my mom was 19 years old.
And I was 17 when I realized that.
So I'm like, Oh, that's if like my wife was born right now.
It's a 17 year difference.
And I was like, wow, I am disturbed to my core.
This is awful.
Good on you for recognizing that though.
Yeah, I would never do that.
That's insane to me.
I don't, I don't understand it.
You can't talk to them that like that.
No, it's so, I mean,
If one of your, your biggest accomplishments in the past 10 years is experiencing puberty,
not interested.
Congrats.
I had, when I was, when I was in my, I was 31 and I was at a comedy show and there was
this like beautiful black woman that sat down next to me and she's chatting with me.
We're flirting a little bit and she's like, how old are you?
And I was like 31 and I was like, how old are you?
And she goes 21.
And I was like, have you drink enough water today?
I want you to go for all your dreams girl.
You believe in you.
You know what I mean?
Like, but I was just immediately like, Oh, no ma'am.
There's definitely a cutoff.
I mean, this might get me canceled.
I understand how like 70 year old billionaires, because they don't talk to 70 year old billionaires.
You know what I'm saying?
They don't talk to their wives anyway.
So if they're with a young 24 year old, like Bill Belichick, you know what I'm saying?
They're not talking.
They're not having meaningful conversations.
No.
And those women are getting what they need from that situation.
They're getting money.
He's getting the hot young chick.
Yeah.
No, I mean, yeah.
And quite frankly, like if a 70, 80 year old woman was like, I'll pay you a bunch of money
and then occasionally go down on me, I'd be like, how, how much are we talking about?
Are we going on yachts?
Spread it out.
If Kevin Spacey DM'd me today, you would never see me again.
But unfortunately I'm too old now.
You are too old.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, you're 22, man.
You're old.
I'm way too old for that.
You know, it's interesting because I've been talking about like all this gender stuff and
I want to talk about some of this stuff online.
But one of the things I find so interesting is like how weirdly we sexualize boys.
You know what I mean?
I'm going to prove it to you with this one sentence.
Like have you heard like somebody talk about like how they've been like turned on a lot
lately?
But can you imagine a grown man being like, man, I am horny as a teenage girl right now.
Oh no.
Oh yeah.
Damn, that's true.
Do you realize how gross it is?
I hear grown women saying this.
I'm horny as a teenage boy.
I'm like, why are you, why would you say that?
That is the most disgusting thing.
Most disgusting.
I've got the mind of a 15 year old.
No, no.
Like I'm going to start saying that.
Like I've got the mind of a 14 year old girl.
Everybody would be like, get her on a list.
Get her on a list right now.
That's such a good fucking point.
Because we don't protect our boys.
It's like when a high school, like high school age male hooks up with their teacher, everybody's
like, fuck yeah, dude.
I'm not going to lie.
I'm the same way.
Well, I am too long.
It shouldn't be that way.
This is going to get me canceled, but I tried pretty hard in 10th grade to get molested.
Well, you talking to the champion.
But let me, let me tell you though, that's the point is like teenagers are going to feel
the way they feel.
Like I would have totally consented to the situation, but you can't consent to that situation
because she was a 28 year old basketball coach.
God, I hope she doesn't see this.
She's in her late forties now sup girl.
But you know what I mean?
Like you have to like, but that's the thing.
I think it's like where like men, they'll make that joke like, oh, lucky or whatever.
And it's like, cause they don't understand the actual emotional ramifications.
They develop later on.
You know what I mean?
Cause like, oh man, that poor, that poor guy that was abused by his teacher.
And then he ended up marrying her, the Mary Kayla Turner or whatever.
Looked at Mary, Mary Kayla Turner.
Was that the guy?
He was a fifth grade child and she slept.
She raped him.
And that just had a Netflix documentary.
Yeah.
And then he grew up and because he had been groomed, he married her.
You know, she died recently, which is great.
She died?
I think so.
If she didn't, I just spoke into the universe.
Let's use the crystal.
I have an equal opportunity.
I have seen this dude.
Oh my gosh.
She was good.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hold on a second.
Dom's like, she looks like she told me, call me some words.
Oh God.
If she would say the hard R it'd be, you know, that's authentic right there.
Oh yeah.
I don't think she knows how to say it any other way.
She doesn't know.
There's another pronunciation of that word?
Yeah.
That's probably what Dom looked like back in the day.
Oh my gosh.
They have the same chin.
That's not her now.
Is it?
Where?
Right here?
See if she's dead.
Let's see.
Yeah.
Let's see.
Wikipedia.
She died in 2020.
Wait, is she dead for real?
She died at 58.
Oh wow.
Early death.
She's dead.
Oh, not at all.
Well, but the turtle's dead.
Greta did feel right.
Listen, man, when I was in middle school, elementary, I don't know why when I was a kid,
I was hoping.
You think COVID got her?
It was 2020.
There were some good looking, there's some good looking teachers or whatever.
Like that's just gonna, that's just gonna happen.
We didn't have any.
We had one chick with big titties and well, she wasn't a chick.
She was, she was older.
She was, she was, she was like 60 and we called her Sagan Baggan Mary because she wouldn't
wear bras.
And the principal tried to get her to wear bras and she was like, no, not doing it.
I don't blame her, honestly.
Bra suck.
And you know what I mean though?
But anyway, everybody, that's the weird thing is you may have not had a hot teacher, but
you did have that lady who was at least over 60 and her nipples were always hard.
They hung about just like that science teacher guy who always had dry mouth and the white
belt around there.
And the spit would come out.
You'd have to dodge that shit in the front row.
Hell yeah.
There's teachers.
Everybody had to.
Ms. Pig was my teacher with the hard nipples.
Yeah, she had fake tits.
Her name was Ms. Pig?
Ms. Pig, yeah.
She dated the frog dude.
And she actually was the hottest one.
It's not saying she was hot, she just had fake tits.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
On a teacher salary?
But she, I'm pretty sure her husband was loaded.
Oh, gotcha, gotcha.
You take the last name Pig, your husband has a lot of money.
That is an excellent point.
Yo, I used to have a teacher speaking to bra stuff.
I'm not going to say her name, she's brown.
You know, I'm not that old, man, like all of y'all, but uh.
We're one year apart.
No, you old.
I'm an old soul.
What the fuck?
But I'm young.
You just got held back in grade, dude.
Almost twice.
And I got held back in college.
But listen man.
That's not going to get you held back.
That's called failing.
I'm failing.
Alright, sorry, sorry.
My bad.
Yeah, she was like, whenever you got in trouble, she would stick shit in the bra, man.
And uh, we were all trying to get chocolate.
We had that.
I had a teacher in middle school like that.
Hold on a second, did what?
So if you got in trouble, she was hot.
It was in the name.
She would get like your item that you had, like you had your phone out, you had a toy,
and she would like open up her bra, look at you, and then stick it in her bra.
See if that were my son's teacher, I would go up to the school and literally beat the
shit out of her.
Yeah, but like, yeah, because that's kind of weird.
That's kind of weird.
She didn't write me a good message.
I looked past her back in the day.
I mean I get your, I don't blame you from your standpoint, but that's a little weird.
We had a teacher that did the same thing.
Can you imagine a man doing that?
I would be mad as hell.
I'd be mad as fuck.
Yeah.
There would be a PTA meeting immediately.
You're not getting this textbook back or your purse back.
Peeing that water bottle to me right now, young man.
Oh yeah, would have reported his ass, man.
Fuck that.
You'd be like Kenan Thompson on all that.
What else you got in that pants, sir?
That orange soda.
No, that was Kel, my bad.
That was Kel, right?
Who loves unsold?
Kel loves orange soda.
It's okay.
It's like you can't not say something after that.
Yeah, you have to.
I can't believe you know all that.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh, dude.
I grew up wanting to be on that show so bad as a child.
Even though it was canceled for like 30 years.
Back in the day, I had...
Me too, man.
I was just like, I could do this.
And then I'd get to meet Coolio at the beginning.
For some reason, my brain was like, he's there every time.
Exactly.
You damn sure think that.
He's by the little world thing.
Oh, that was Saturday Night Live for Kids.
Yeah, it's how Amanda Bynes got her start.
Amanda Bynes.
Keenan might have been doing heavyweight.
He was on it, but I'm saying he might have done it.
It may not have been his opening.
You know there was a version of...
What was her name?
Lori Beth Denberg.
She was funny.
She was stellar.
She would do this skit where...
Have you ever had a militant librarian?
Oh yeah.
Most librarians.
She would come in there and somebody would be like, can I borrow a pencil?
And then she would come over with an air horn and she's like, quiet in the library!
And I was like, that's so accurate.
Damn.
There was a version of Mad TV for kids.
Brandon, you might remember.
I remember that.
It was a Mad TV cartoon.
And they would do current celebrity shit.
I think I remember that.
And it was actually really good.
I loved it.
Remember Celebrity Death Match?
Yeah, Celebrity Death.
Judge Joe Mills was the referee.
Yeah.
It was so good.
Oh yeah, this right here.
Yeah, it was like Robot Chicken if you guys have seen it.
I love Robot Chicken.
Oh yeah, me too.
Shit was tight, dude.
Is that Steve Harvey, right?
Yeah.
It's back in the good days, man.
Back in the good old days?
Brandon says that he means 2017.
Summer of 2014, man.
Was there a Family Feud host before Steve Harvey?
Oh yeah.
I need a moment of silence.
There used to be one, apparently back in the 70s or 80s,
and the dude was known for, he would kiss women.
He'd kiss every single woman.
They would be trying to get away from him,
and everybody would be like, ha ha ha ha,
this is real life, because it's the 70s.
And now we look back, we're horrified.
It's the top first two.
The first one on the left, the top one.
Find out his name, let's find out if he's dead.
We'll just spend this episode cheering for dead.
He has to be dead.
The second dude is dead too, because he killed himself.
I don't know why I know that, but I kind of, yeah he did.
Al killed himself?
Not Al.
The second one.
How about you saw the second picture?
I was like, oh.
Richard Dawson, yeah.
Look, there he is, first pictures of kissing.
Damn, he held on for a while.
Oh yeah, he gets in there.
So he did this to people's family and shit?
He did it to everybody, even the young ones.
Some of the women were fine with it, it looks like.
You gotta work some ass after that.
Can you imagine though, if your wife was into it,
and you're just sitting there with the whole family,
and you're just like.
It's like that cult thing.
It's like that dancer, singer in Africa,
that was singing.
That dude, I felt so bad for that guy.
His girl went up there on the stage,
and just got humped by that dude.
Like I picked up and gyrated on stage,
and he's just sitting in the front row.
He brought her to the.
Was she okay with that?
She was, he wasn't.
She was very good.
Let's say he wasn't having a good time
sitting in the front row,
watching this girl get pounded on stage.
There was some friction there.
I feel like that would bother me,
but then at the same time, if it's somebody famous,
then I would just be like, well yeah,
but I'd not get to take her home.
No, exactly, but how famous?
Yeah, it would be okay.
Is it okay if, give me a name that you think is okay.
Oh man.
No.
That's what I'm thinking,
because I think it would be like.
It's a certain level.
Like if JoJo Sweeten did it to your girl,
whatever her name.
You wouldn't like that, right?
Because she's not famous enough.
She's not big enough.
Did I say her name wrong?
You're talking about JoJo Siwa?
Yeah.
Well, she's also 14.
If JoJo Siwa humped my woman,
I would get my woman,
as much therapy as she needed to get over that.
I didn't know this is who you were talking about, dude.
Who's a JoJo Sweeten?
She's really upsetting the queer community right now.
I don't know.
She's in her young phase,
figuring herself out, but unfortunately it's public.
But they did point out this really interesting point,
is that child stars, that they tend to,
when they break out, they usually become very sexual.
They do all of this stuff.
And then a lot of society doesn't view women as grown
until they have had relationships with men.
Now JoJo Siwa is gay, right?
So really nothing she does is going to make anybody
look at her seriously like she's a grown woman.
And I can kind of vouch for that,
because sometimes people treat me like I'm not grown,
or they don't take me seriously.
Absolutely.
That's a thing, for sure.
I do it.
Yeah.
He's like, I make an effort to make sure that these...
So yeah, I feel bad for her,
but I do wish she would stop.
Maybe stop.
I'm not gonna lie.
I love that you see the elephant thing she was doing.
She was slapping her feet and going like...
I love it.
It's cringey as fuck, but I watch everything.
Just because she called you the N-word, dude.
Don't care if she did it.
Oh, damn.
But it's also, it's just like everything she does,
and it's like sometimes the video, I'm like,
I literally can't tell if that's actually the sound
of her actually stomping through it,
or if somebody's added it on as funny,
because it's like...
She was on Dance Moms.
See, this is what you guys were telling me last time.
She's probably also been through some abuse, you know?
I want to watch this, Nellie.
Like the psychological pressure.
Don't they yell at him on there?
Dude, Abby Lee Miller rips these fucking girls in half.
That's her right here, right?
Yeah.
You know that right now.
That's Joe Jaddis.
That's Joe Joe.
How long has this show been on?
That's from back in 2010.
It's like 2012, I think it started in 2012.
See, why do we put children in that?
Yeah, that's outrageous.
But we got to worry about a boy wearing a dress, you know,
but not this.
Yeah, that's insane that kids run around like this.
It's so weird.
And dude, they start them at like six.
I was in a beauty pageant as a child.
Yeah, I wanted a trophy.
And I got one.
Participation.
Hold up.
I didn't know you had to like work it.
They were just like walk out on stage, and so you just see me passing like...
Just like from one end to the other.
I didn't know how to like...
I've gotten better.
You know what I mean?
I also, I tried one in the eighth grade with my friend.
I went through the STEM stage in the eighth grade.
And there was, it was only Tomka, Alabama, junior high, very small school.
There were seven girls in the entire pageant, right?
So you had your winner, your first runner up, second runner up, third runner up,
and then you had like most talented and Miss Congeniality.
So there were seven of us, and me and my friend were the only two people
that walked away with nothing.
And part of me wishes there was video of this because I did do like an entire...
What'd you do? What'd you think?
I sang Britney Spears.
What song?
Oh man, I don't even remember.
Now I feel old, Randy.
Look up Britney Spears songs.
Like pre...
How old were you?
14.
Damn.
I thought you were way younger than that when you explained this.
No, I was 14.
I admired her.
She said she didn't want to, she was a virgin.
And I was like, I also don't want to sleep with a man.
So I'm going to cling to this.
Lucy, my favorite one.
Word bitch.
I did it again.
You remember the ones like, I'm going to start...
She was like sitting, god damn it, I can't think of it.
It's not on here though.
Lucky, lucky, lucky.
There it is right there, number 11.
She's so lucky, she's a star.
Nice.
It's like, okay, this is where I have to just like set a boundary.
I don't remember and I don't want to.
Much love to Britney though.
I'm sorry for what we did to you as a country.
Yeah, that was wild that they had her on there like 15, 16 in the schoolgirl.
Yeah.
Just hundreds of millions of people watching that.
TRL, she was number one for like months.
TRL was amazing.
TRL was the shit though.
It was the shit for Younger.
I always wanted to be in that crowd and to just be in Times Square in that crowd while
the celebrities would come out.
Because like, hold on, look at it.
TRL?
Yeah, TRL, Total Request Live.
Okay, let me turn this.
No, it's right there.
Just click on any of those pictures.
Like that?
Yeah, so that's a studio and outside you would see Times Square just going about and then
you would have all the fame.
I mean, that's way out there.
That's DC Young's live.
They must have redid this or something.
And the Dolan Twins.
Yeah, Revive told them it was last night.
Yeah, that like right there, Carson Daly.
But like you would see people like go out there and hold signs because you'd know like certain
people were going to be there.
I remember once there was these young, I think older teenage girls that maybe skipped school
or whatever.
There was a story behind it and she held up a sign that was like for some guy that was
there, like, hey, will you F me?
And then put her phone number up.
And they had to blur it out.
They called her parents, you know, and I was just like.
Right, Felisa.
Snitches, dude.
I'm like, man.
So so I got to ask you something for it because we haven't even got into any of the notes.
Your dad died by a polar bear accident.
Is that true?
I'm so sorry about that.
I did that.
Where did you find that?
Yeah, no.
Well, somebody had I had gotten a message that was like, hey, you know, it was one of
those telemarketing things and it sent me a message and was like, hey, I'm guessing
you haven't responded because you've been busy or possibly fallen underneath a polar
bear.
And then I responded.
My father died from that exact thing happening to him.
So thanks, Craig, for bringing that up.
And then he never responded.
So yeah, it's very traumatic.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You know, Brandon really believes you.
Like very specific that you found.
No, no.
Paul's alive.
To others.
Shout out.
So how long you been doing stand up?
Seven years.
Seven.
Mm hmm.
Beast.
What's your.
Can you give us a.
That's my favorite thing to ask your favorite crazy thing to happen.
You while you were doing stand up.
Well, I've had so many good things like happen.
Sometimes there's this disruption is like funny, not telling anybody to do that.
But I would say, though, one of my most memorable experiences is that I had we went out to Rainsville.
I was it was like next to a house in the middle of a field and the whole experience was pretty bad.
But we get there and one of the guys is like he does like fighting or whatever.
And he's got his like his little kids are all running around.
The three year old runs up with a knife in her hand.
She's like running around the knife in her hand and he's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And he like grabs the he grabs her, turns the mic down, turns the knife around in her hand and was like, run that into mom.
Run that into mommy.
Are you serious?
Yeah, like for a second, I thought he was going to be a father.
Well, you ever seen an absent father in the room with their kid?
That's kind of what was happening.
And then we were all sitting around chilling and he's like, hey, so do you guys want to buy some crack?
Whoa, shut the fuck up.
And it got about that quiet is like like me and a few other comedians.
And he was like, I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I don't do it. And I'm just like, yeah, I can tell by your face.
But like and then we got up there.
There was like he let a couple of his buddies get up and do comedy.
And like one of them made like a really distasteful like George Floyd joke.
And then like the other one said the F slur and Ogre was there and Ogre was like, oh, come on, that's too far.
And I was like, OK, if Ogre's like Ogre says it's too far.
But then like I got up, I started drinking, right, which I don't typically drink at like a page.
I like a paid gig or anything like that.
But I started drinking because I was like, I literally don't care if I make any of these people feel happy.
And I just kind of I had like twenty five minutes and I like started just kind of roast in the guy and tell him like making sure his wife knows to blink twice if she needs me to send her some material to help her get away like kind of thing.
It was it was a lot. It was wild.
And now I look back on I'm like, probably I didn't make a whole lot of safe decisions in that moment.
Yeah, he can. He's cracking.
You know, and fights like professionally.
He does that be the best fighter.
Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Nazis. Yeah, that's my they smoke meth.
Yeah, that's not a crack though. Crack is different.
It's pretty close to crack was not to 1980s.
So I think it was like, what was it? 82? No, because it was like the early 80s.
I would not have expected you to have this information.
You're like the least likely to do crack in this room.
I've heard the legends though.
You do like WWE.
Yeah, summer slam weekend.
Damn, this has never happened before.
I'm president. That's crazy, dude. Okay, so everybody. Hold on a second. Like, no, I'm just kidding.
So like, Don, right? He's the weirdest.
Is his beard real?
It seems very full and dark. I mean, not, you know, their Turkish hair plugs, really.
Tell me why I came in here.
You playing my toys and then Hulk Hogan was getting the shit fucked up or fucked by what is this?
Andre the Giant getting them from the back. Bullshit.
That's what Dom was doing.
Oh, dude, I got fucking pictures. Like I took a picture as soon as I came in here.
I mean, if it was going to happen, it would probably be that.
Yeah, Hulk Hogan was bent over. Andre was on top of him with his big ass going to town.
That was the grand slam.
You should have seen Dom in the early days of editing the podcast and how angry he would get.
I'm going to start throwing shit, dude.
Wait, let me see, Dom, did you do that on purpose though?
Because I came in here, I took pictures of it. When I came in here, Hulk Hogan was getting reeled by Andre the Giant.
The way he laughed, he definitely did.
It was my boy Tyler, he was like, you think Brandon will notice this?
I'm like, did you move his action figures? Yes, he's going to notice this.
He took photos.
I got photos right here.
Hulk Hogan should be so lucky, quite frankly.
When a man like Andre the Giant wants to get it from a, you know.
And you see how big his hands is, just imagine how big his, I think he had a thick rod.
You think it's proportional?
I think he had a thick one. I'm not saying it's too long, but I bet he had a fucking coke can bigger than that.
I had this friend once talking to me, because he's a six foot bigger kind of dude.
We were like 20 years old, so we're still talking about this crap.
He said that he slept with this woman and she told him that his thing was kind of big.
He's like, it just kind of surprised me because in my hand it looked real small.
I was like, what a beautiful surprise for you then.
I'm sorry, it's only eight and a half inches.
You think they recorded Andre's junk?
Like they recorded the size?
Because I feel like if you like a tall big guy, they got to at least record it.
It could be like scientific, you don't know, man.
Brandon, if they did, you would know.
I just don't want to search it up.
I love your face with that ass.
It was like somebody was going to be like, Andre, you know what's up?
I'd be like, man, you're one of the tallest and biggest people, man.
So let's see if it's true that the big people.
I don't think it's true.
If you talk to gay men, it's the skinny guys that apparently have the, you know.
The rods?
Yeah, apparently.
I don't know.
Every time I see a real live one, it just makes me giggle.
I'm glad I was not born a dude because I just giggle probably the whole time.
I'd be doing that helicopter thing.
It doesn't work with the straps too hard.
Do they make a flaccid strap on?
Well, they do.
Well, they have things called packers like for like trans people or people who
experienced bottom dysphoria to wear that.
What does that do?
That, you know.
Hold on.
What did you tell them?
What did you guys say?
What does it do?
What is it?
What are you talking about?
Packer.
It's called a packer and it's like it's supposed to be like a penis, but it doesn't.
It's not hard.
It's just so that like you feel like complete.
Oh, so you wear whenever you just weren't regular clothes.
Yeah.
I need one of those.
What are they called?
Trust me, I got the connections on that.
I got you.
But yeah, it's how do we get to talk about dicks?
You were talking about Andre.
It always comes back to that.
It sure does, doesn't it?
Yeah.
I mean, that's why you see like ancient Pompeii.
There's drawings of penises and tatas and all that stuff.
We've thought that was hilarious in our entire lives.
That's why God smited them with the walking.
Or it really turned God on and he's like, I'm going to blow.
All right, I'm officially retiring after that.
Remember Cleopatra had that beehive thing too, where she would put the bees in there
and it starts shaking up.
No, I don't know about this.
She had a whole beehive vibrator that she made back in the Egypt.
Smart.
Very smart, but they got out, she was fucked.
So thank God.
She was fucked.
Oh yeah, she was getting it down back in those days.
She's such a hero.
I mean, I don't know.
Don't count me on that.
I've just mostly seen 90s renditions of her and also, but yeah, I don't know if she's
done something cancelable.
I don't know anything about Cleopatra.
She lived way more recently than people think.
Really?
Yeah.
It's an insane amount.
I mean, it sounds like an ancient Egypt name, but it's just.
Or 1800 years ago or something like that.
Really?
It was more recent than that.
Yeah, no more recent than that.
She lived closer to the moon landing than to the building of the pyramids.
That's because the pyramids are 5,000.
And 69 BC, so I mean, that's pretty.
She died at 39?
Damn.
So my 40th needs to be like, beat ya Cleopatra.
She had a lot of children, of course.
Yeah.
They also, at the time, did not approve birth control.
The conservative Republicans at the time were like, nope, Cleopatra, you're going to birth
this baby.
See, this is what it'd be like right now.
The problem.
That's it.
That's not it.
That's not it at all.
That's definitely not it.
It looks like it, though.
As somebody that has a vagina, I don't think that is, no.
That was the rose toy back in the day, dude.
Just a squash.
No, it says it right there, it says 1300 BC vibrator.
When you can't find a dildo, so you got to depend on the local vegetation.
I mean, cucumber would.
It's like a squash.
That's cool.
Yeah, that's tough.
Just imagine lesbians back there, they're like, girl, if you don't shut up, I'm going
to go pick a cucumber.
It's like they built the pyramids, but they couldn't find a better shape.
Let me go back.
This is impressive.
I know.
This is really cool.
Is that a stone one?
Where, right here?
Right there, yeah.
I mean, they put the head on it, too.
They fucked that circumcision up real bad, dude.
Go to the first picture.
The first one.
It's a diagram?
Yep, this is how it works.
Oh, so that is real.
A gourd of bees.
What the fuck?
This isn't a squash while you're getting squashed.
You're getting turned on and be like, go get the beekeeper.
Man, that's a good coffee.
He comes with a beekeeper suit.
Smoke the orgasm out.
Who saw the beekeeper?
I did watch that.
Dress as a beekeeper for Halloween and be like, I'm Cleopatra's servant.
That's what I'm going to do in my Deadpool suit, wear a beekeeper's name, too.
Go for your Deadpool suit.
Oh, man.
Beekeeper, beepole.
I mean, if somebody was going to do that, it would be Deadpool.
Deadpool would be like, I'll get those bees for you, girl.
Exactly.
It should be just gourd of bees.
So we're trying to get, I want to know if you can help convince Brandon.
He's a hardcore Trumper now.
And we're trying to get Vincent not to be a Trump supporter.
Okay.
Oh, is this where I'm supposed to pop in and tell him?
He likes Jim Brewer.
Jim Brewer is his favorite comedian.
Not favorite, but he got me laughing.
He just likes the noises.
Not Trump.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Just Hulk Hogan.
He was distraught when Hulk Hogan ripped off his shirt.
Now, that threw me off guard when Hulk Hogan popped up in there, man.
I couldn't believe it.
Because I got like literally every era.
The Republican National Convention looked like a mega church.
That was the total vibe.
Everybody was like, yeah, I got a 10 back on my ears.
I'm ready to fuck shit up.
And Donald Trump was like, it's not about me.
It's not about me.
I know I just did 14 back flips before it came out.
I'm not going to depend on the teleprompter because it's hard to read.
Oh, I was just watching something with Pete Davidson was like, Trump can't read.
Yeah.
Really?
You see that?
I saw that one.
He's like, he's like, he said that they were in the meetings all like, like the, the,
the, before he had been all like, uh, my brain is breaking.
He was, he was like, uh, I'm just going to, I'm going to say something different here.
I can't do a Trump accent and I don't want to cause I tried to.
I'm the worst at it.
Huge.
Yeah, I can't do it.
Let me try.
I want to cause I have a joke that I need to do it, but I just, it's hard if you've
never sexually assaulted a woman.
Oh, sorry.
I don't know.
I do it.
Now everybody's like, no, no, that was terrible.
So good.
He does it great.
Cut that.
I can try it.
Let me try it.
I need to get Trump.
Yeah.
No change.
What I've always let, it's just, it was always, it's always been interesting.
Cause like anytime you like would talk crap about Trump and people would be like, well,
what about Biden?
We're like, no, we hate him too.
Like,
I believe he was probably a good guy.
Maybe.
He did vote in favor of segregation in 1977.
Well, you know, maybe, maybe like a decade after they got rid of it.
He's like, you know what, dude, I'm throwing this is my vote.
I'm casting my stone here.
Back in the day, it did look like that dude that played captain America.
It was really cool.
What?
Doesn't he look like what's that dude?
Chris Evans?
I see it.
No, this is not another teen movie.
Captain America, nobody sees Captain America.
No, he doesn't look like Chris Evans and the slightest.
Cause you're the president doesn't make you captain America.
He looks like his clothes have never landed in the hamper.
Like,
Yeah, they aren't wrinkles.
That kind of looks like AJ O'Leary right there.
Oh yeah.
Just about like, like, I don't know.
Most, most powerful people that age though have like,
I think they have just terrible, terrible secrets.
You know,
Oh, guarantee.
That's why, and this is what I said.
Hillary Clinton would have been the best female president.
Listen to me.
No, go ahead.
She'll kill people, women and children.
For the greater good.
Who do you want other as the leader of this?
If something has to go down, you need somebody who can make those hard decisions.
You don't think Sarah Palin could have done that?
No, no, no.
I think she's soft on the inside.
The thing, the thing with Hillary Clinton, my mother, um, oh man,
this terrible, I'm sharing this family shit, but you know what?
Maybe you shouldn't have said things.
But she was like, yeah.
At one point they were asking her like,
what are you going to do with your time when she was a first lady?
And she's like, well, I'm not going to be like sitting around baking cookies.
Right.
And boy, did that piss off that like housewives, right?
Including my mother.
And this is 2016.
My mom's like, I just don't like that she said that.
And I was like, that was in 1991.
And she's like, yeah, I was like, wasn't that the same year you told my sister not to marry a black man?
I guess a good thing that like the whole country wasn't watching.
And you're not going to be judged for it the rest of your life.
Sorry, mom.
Based.
But you know what?
You've grown as a person and you've realized there are worse things.
Like your daughter could be gay.
No lie.
My first girlfriend was black.
That was just a coincidence.
All right, Ash, the ghostly Muhammad Ali here means that's the end of the podcast.
It went by so fast.
We didn't get anything, but the conversation was amazing.
Thank you for coming on.
Yeah, I appreciate it.
And this is going to come out next next Monday.
And anything you have to say, any kind of social media, any shows you got coming on after that, you know, go ahead and tell it to this camera right here.
Yeah, well, I mean, I've got some stuff in the works right now.
I really don't have any shows going on right now.
Wow.
You just like put me on the spot and I'm like, I literally haven't planned anything.
I've done like, you know, twenty shows in the past three months.
But like I decided to take I'm kind of chilling.
But I am like, yeah, Ash Kennedy.
You can find me on I'm kind of boring on social media, but I'm on Facebook.
I'm at the picture where I'm not on stage because there's two accounts is the one that I'm in, which is real confusing for people.
Just tell us.
All right.
So just cut this part.
Let's pretend.
Oh, hey, yeah, no, I got totally stuff here.
I am Ash Kennedy.
I got Jane Doe still my identity on Instagram and on Tick Tock.
And I kind of want to start messing around more with some tick tock.
So I would love love some support.
I'm going to I'm kind of eclectic.
I'm not going to be, you know.
Yeah, I'm not.
You know how like sometimes you get on tick tock and you're like, what are you doing?
You're supposed to only renovate houses, you know, kind of thing.
Well, yeah, I'm going to be that kind of frustrating.
But, you know, it's like a person.
Yeah.
And my Facebook is Ash Kennedy.
But there'll be two of them.
And if you click on one of them, I won't see for another year.
But yeah, appreciate all.
I appreciate you.
Yeah.
Good shit.
Hell, yeah.
The ones that we don't get the notes.
Yeah.
So that's the best one.
Yeah.