This week on Clown College.
I was at Huntsville one time.
Alex remembers this.
It was in Huntsville.
And I want to say a few years ago, where's that place that Matthew Tate used?
The boxcar?
The station.
The station, okay, yeah.
So we're performing there, right?
And then after the mic, me and my friend Jeremiah were outside talking.
And this drunk white guy, he just, I'm standing by the door, he just, I'm talking about fucking
like, just mauls the door, like leaving out.
And it, like it almost fucked me up.
And I was like, yo man, like watch what you're doing, man.
Like, you know, and he didn't say nothing.
He didn't say nothing.
He just went to his car and I was like, all right, whatever.
And so he go to his car, he comes back.
He comes like in the front of the entrance and he like rolls his wind down.
He's like, what?
Oh, come on now.
What?
Like nobody's saying anything.
He's like, huh?
Fuck you say?
And we're still not, we're like, dude, what's wrong with you?
He's like, hold on, hold on.
And he gets out his truck and he approaches me and he's trying to fight me, but he ends
up like somehow fighting my friend.
And yeah, it was, my friends are beating him up.
Let's all go to college, baby.
It's with Brandon, where the sky's in JJ.
Let's all go to college, baby.
It's with Brandon, where the sky's in JJ.
So quit asking.
Yeah.
What Nick Saban say?
I'm not going to tell you.
So quit asking.
Oh yeah.
Quit asking.
You do it.
We're going to find you.
You did.
You already started.
Oh yeah.
Everything started.
Scream record too?
Yep.
Are you being truthful with us?
Yes, man.
Yep.
But it's truthful as St. Nicholas, man.
He's truthful.
Is he truthful?
He's known to be.
Hell no.
He used to lie to Mrs. Claus.
Not even fucking real.
His existence is also kind of a lie.
Oh yeah, true.
I did find that out.
At like 11 years old.
Jesus.
You believe insanity you were 11?
No, 10.
That's better.
That's not bad.
And that was like three years ago.
Man, sadly.
So what happened when you found out?
So I was like, just be honest with me, mama.
This dude real nice.
She was like, it's what you want to believe, son.
And I was like, I don't believe it.
She's like, well, there you go.
And he just walked off.
And I was like, hell yeah.
So that's the answer.
So nobody in like school was like, when you went to school, you'd be like, well, I wonder
what Santa's going to get me.
Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.
I'd just be like, man, hopefully this is real.
Hopefully I get some gifts.
So nobody ever like ruined it for you when you were a kid up until 10 years old.
Nobody was like.
Oh, no, man.
I just told her to believe.
No, everybody else in his class thought he was real too.
Yeah, they did too, man.
Some people were like, hey, man, did he come to your house also?
And I was like, oh, no, man.
He ain't shit.
No, man.
How about we do a skit?
Brandon gets molested by Santa Claus.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
That's good.
He's a pagan figure, man.
What are we talking about?
Hell yeah.
How you doing, Brandon?
Man, I'm doing great, man.
How about you?
I'm doing pretty good.
We're good.
JJ?
Dude, I'm doing phenomenal.
You going to the beach later on?
No, dude.
I can't even hear you right now.
These glasses actually filter out gay people.
I can't see or hear you, but I feel your energy.
You can't look in the mirror either, can you?
Yeah, that was a good one.
I can't, dude.
I'm not a vampire.
Vampires can't see their reflection.
I was thinking about this.
That new Nosferatu movie is coming out about the vampire.
He was in SpongeBob.
Oh, yeah, I remember that.
I remember that episode where he's like, who was flickering the lights?
No, I've never watched SpongeBob.
Oh, man, you got to watch it.
It's good.
I thought it was.
You need to watch it.
I don't think I can go right now at 36 years old and watch SpongeBob, can I?
Yes, yes, trust me, man.
You can.
You're one work accident away from doing it.
There he is.
Oh, that's the original OG.
Yeah.
1921.
What did you say?
Spongebob.
Because this is a scene in SpongeBob.
Every SpongeBob episode has a terribly grotesque scene like this.
Brandon, you said 1931?
No, 1921.
21.
Yes.
Damn.
Let me see.
Let me make sure just to be safe.
I think you're right, though.
I feel like I have a good feeling.
I won't even double check.
Damn, it's 1922.
Damn.
Brandon.
Nope, it's even worse.
Wait, no, it is 1922.
OK.
Damn.
Off by a year, man.
So close, but so far at the same damn time, man.
But you know this game, man, it happens sometimes.
It happens.
Yep.
And the guess the movie game.
Yes.
It's a competitive game, dude.
Unforgiving.
Hell, yeah.
Debbie Does Dallas, what year did it come out?
I don't even know what that is.
What's that?
It's the first pornographic film.
Oh, OK.
Man, I want to know.
Is that really?
I don't think it's the first one.
That's probably the 70s, right?
It was like the biggest one.
Dude, look at first porn film.
All right.
Let's see when that came out.
You interested?
Yeah, you don't need this dude's approval.
I'm trying to say it's his laptop.
First porn film.
We go Wikipedia.
OK, let's see.
They're about to go under.
Damn.
OK, let's see.
Oh, they've been saying that for three years.
It says films with resqueets or where Creed whatever it is.
Wait, what?
Where are you at?
All right.
Your content has been produced since the invention of the film.
Wait, did you call it resqueet?
That's actually hilarious.
Resqueet.
Oh, shit.
This has been going on since the 1880s, man.
What?
1880s.
Was there videos?
Yeah, they had the little.
Motion pictures.
The puppet show.
Yeah, man.
So you'd be wagging off some dude over here with the camera just like tell him when to
stop, man.
Like Olive Garden.
That's exactly what it's like.
That's exactly what it's like, Brandon.
Oh my God.
Hell yeah.
Like Olive Garden, dude.
Ready to go?
Ready to go.
Oh, man.
Ready?
You're the best thing ever.
I wonder what the most viewed porn is ever.
Let's find out.
Well, the one that's.
Yeah, look it up.
I have a guess.
I'm going to get the most viewed ever?
Yes.
Like wait, on.
I'm going.
We have to go.
Like who knows the fucking names of porn?
I'm saying.
What are you saying?
Kim Kardashian sex tape.
Oh.
I think that's gotta be.
I don't think it's messing with like Mia Khalifa or something like that.
I don't think it's coming close.
Damn, man.
They ain't telling us.
Because you know, you're getting real hardcore fun when you watch them.
You know, Kim Kardashian.
It's a lot of filler.
But not everybody's into.
With Kim Kardashian, there's something for everybody, dude.
It's filler.
They got too much filler.
You have to skip through so much.
You can get, you know, the kisses.
That's my favorite part.
Oh, no.
Then Jake will like this.
They like show her feet for like 10 minutes.
That just that just lets you know that Dom watched the entire thing.
He didn't skip the foreplay scene.
I have seen it a lot.
That Kim Kardashian right there.
Brandon, you got us an answer, man.
The only answer is on Pornhub.
You guys want me to click this?
Well, there's a Quora link right there.
Oh, Quora?
What the Quora?
The Quora is not accurate, man.
It's not accurate.
Well.
OK, I'll read this one.
If I had to guess, I'd probably say it's the Chronicles of Narnia.
What the fuck?
What?
What the fuck?
Hold on.
Probably Deep Throat.
Deep throat.
Yeah.
It showed regularly in drive in theaters.
Theaters.
A drive outside masturbation?
Oh, hell yeah, man.
Is that legal?
Back then.
Oh my gosh, this dude feels bad.
He said, I kind of wondered if something was wrong with me because it didn't turn me.
OK.
What did it say?
They said it didn't turn him on.
So eventually he realized that I am only attracted to good looking women and Linda Lovelace.
Good looking woman and Linda Lovelace was mediocre at best.
Marilyn Chambers was much more my type.
He's sitting on the porn star in this.
Oh, OK.
He's been deep diving in that motherfucker.
Damn.
He's saying names and shit.
Yeah.
Oh, so deep throat.
I mean, that's not accurate probably at all.
That's a bullshit answer, dude.
See, this is why they trust Quora.
Look at most viewed video on Pornhub.
OK, let's see.
There it is right here.
I'm going.
Oh, I got to guess.
Just guess the porn star.
Brandon, you're scared.
Brandon is scared when he sees this pop up.
Oh, hell.
Oh, wow.
Fuck that.
Yeah, we can't show that.
Man, I don't know.
I know.
Didn't need to see that shit.
That's why I didn't want to click on it.
What about?
Oh, there's got to be a different link.
Hold on.
Let's see.
Charts.
Let me see.
There's charts.
We don't need empirical data.
OK, because that was crazy.
List.
There we go.
More digestible.
Yeah, that's way better than what the hell just happened there.
Oh, Cora.
Oh, what about Red Blank?
Yeah.
There we go.
What is this?
To 2010.
See, this is better, man.
It's paper.
All right, let's see.
I mean, my bad.
Wait, scroll straight to number one.
I don't need to see all that, dude.
Yeah, we didn't need to see all that either.
Good thing I have the porn blockers in my son.
Yeah, same here.
OK.
I don't.
Well, I've never seen this, but want to.
I've never seen this either.
How many views does it have?
Hold on.
All right, man.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
I can't just.
Let's get out of here.
It didn't say how many, man.
It just did that.
Enough.
Just leave that tab and go to the new one.
Yeah, let's.
Yeah, just leave that open for Dom.
We're going to get.
You're assisting in my later night activities.
Ask Chad GPT.
Where is Chad?
You want me to search it up?
Yeah, yeah.
Ask Chad GPT.
OK.
It's like the 4.0 one right now, too.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to ask him.
OK, it's like the 4.0 one right now, too.
Oh, shit.
Wait, this is your homework here.
Dom's making a bomb.
Just go to a new one.
Yeah, let's get you a new one.
Hold on.
No, no, just no.
Same thing.
Just up there.
Left a little bit.
Ready?
No.
Up there.
I think this is also what Thomas Matthew Crooks' Chad GPT looks like.
So I just click on this and ask it or search it up?
Yeah, ask it.
Ask it.
Ask it whatever you want.
OK, hold on.
How would you talk to a computer?
Yeah.
I would be nice just in case they take over.
Say please and thank you.
No, you.
Oh, I got to type it?
You don't have a microphone thing on here?
Look at me.
Oh, my.
Hey, you guys did say talk.
Listen.
You guys did say talk.
I saw that this right here was the button, so I clicked on it.
I was like, yo.
Just at the bottom.
So just mess it up.
OK, man.
I saw this had a microphone to it.
My bad.
Well, he does have a microphone right in front of him.
I saw there was some holes here I could speak into.
Man.
I'm going to go ahead and do that.
Yeah.
Most viewed porn video.
There we go.
This kind of say my OK, I am unable to.
What?
OK.
I understand.
That's all right.
That's OK.
You offended the computer.
They're going for you first.
All right.
No, they didn't hear my voice thankfully.
What's that?
What else happened?
Shit, dude.
What's going on?
Oh, we took the IQ test.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, we did.
So we took the IQ test and none of us know what everybody else got.
We know what we got, but we don't know what everybody else has gotten.
And there's a strong chance that I may have got the lowest.
I don't know.
I hope you did, man, because you were my guess.
I think I got close on the like the guessing game.
I think because we OK, so we wrote a list of everybody that we had take it.
Ten people.
All right.
And then we all guess what everybody else will make and whoever gets the closest wins
a prize on the live show.
Thirty first August at Shenanigans.
Big room.
Yeah.
APM.
APM sharp.
Be there.
Be square, dude.
Yeah.
So we'll reveal what everybody got.
How you guys feeling about it?
Don't say it.
Don't say your scores.
I don't think based on the score that I got and what I guess for myself, I think I'm way
off on everybody.
OK.
Yeah.
I'm going to tell you.
I'm not going to say nothing.
I'm just saying I'm happy.
Oh, oh, oh.
Because that's not what Dom said.
No, because like I will say this.
Whenever after we took me and you got done at the same time and then whatever we got
done, you had a look of distraught on your face.
You know, you looked you just you just look like you just like ran a marathon.
You were sweating profusely in the air conditioning room.
And you just look at the feet.
But that's not the case.
Were you just mentally tired from?
Yeah, basically like Spartacus, man,
after a big old fight, you know what I mean?
Just celebrate.
Yeah.
It's part of lion, man, that's what happened.
Oh my God, would have Brandon got hired at me.
I think he did.
Dude.
Dude, I-
Brandon, you might have got hired at me.
If nothing else goes right in my life ever again,
and I only get bad news from today on,
that would make it all worth it.
That would bring me so much joy in my soul.
He might be, oh God.
That means Dom's worried about his school.
That's good, Brandon, I hope you did good.
I'm crying.
I appreciate it.
I wore my glasses and everything,
I was like, what the fuck happened?
But they're so crooked, man.
It just makes you look goofy, bro.
Dude, my eye was fucked up from that contact.
I ain't put them back in yet, I'm scared to.
Yeah.
I don't blame you.
Yeah, I mean-
My last pair too.
You got gel drops?
What?
You need some gel drops, man.
What's that?
They are soothing on your eye,
makes it easier to put contacts in.
It's a little bit different than contact solution.
See that, Brandon?
Yeah, it's gonna be good, man.
Do you need glasses, Brandon?
Haven't been an eye doctor in years.
I don't know.
I did need reading glasses, but that was a while back, man.
I just stopped wearing them.
Reading glasses you can't see up close?
I don't know what it is.
They just prescribed me, they're like,
yo, get the little, what is it,
the ones where you can see normally
and then when you go down, it's kinda like-
You have bivocals?
Yeah, bivocals.
They would just give me those little bivocals.
Bivocals, two voices.
They'd be like, this is what you need.
So I'd be like, all right.
Then I broke them or lost them.
How old are you, Brandon?
21.
You have bivocals?
Yeah, I did.
He's a hundred and seven.
At one point, I did.
How old were you when they prescribed you?
15, 14.
Did you have the line and everything?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's like-
What did your frames look like?
I imagine they look like Jeffrey Dahmer glasses.
100%.
It was kinda like that.
They was like, so BCG's you had?
Oh yeah, BCG's.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
Bat canal goggles.
You think the eye doctor,
you think the eye doctor was like, Brandon, read this.
And he couldn't read it and they were like,
you need glasses.
That might not have been-
Ready to let him talk to you like that?
I know the script.
Light his ass up.
Mm, mm, mm.
Look like a fucking air pilot trying to talk to you.
Ooh!
Shit, dude.
Get him!
Look like Garfield, I'm not gonna lie.
Hey!
Are you okay?
Yes, I'm-
I'm sorry, man.
No, I'm not, I'm having trouble.
One more, Brandon, give him one more.
Give him one more.
Not gonna lie, man, you look like Chris Pratt on vacation.
Ooh!
You don't know who Chris Pratt is?
That's my guy.
Yeah, I know who Chris Pratt is.
I said ooh, I was on your side.
I was hyping you up.
You know what's crazy that you say that, dude?
We have the same birthday.
You do?
Oh, Brandon, are you hyped?
Deadpool and Wolverine next week.
Oh, man, dude, we gotta see that.
Are we going first day?
Yeah.
I think we got to.
What day is it?
It probably comes out on a Thursday.
Oh, they do?
It's probably, I think the 25th or 26th.
So it'll be the 24th.
Cause they always play it at like 11-
Was it 24th, Thursday?
Yeah.
I ain't gonna be here, dude.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, damn, dude.
You passing away soon?
No, damn.
Well, when you get back, man.
I'll already use a club to go at any time.
Guys, we're looking for a new studio,
a new host, a new soul of the podcast.
Just put it out there.
Could you imagine me and Brandon
just sitting here talking, dude?
Oh, dude.
What would be said?
First of all, the episodes would be three hours long.
Unedited.
Yes.
Yeah.
Completely edited.
No editing.
It would just be a little,
we hold up a notebook at the beginning,
like episode 35 featuring Brandon's uncle, you know?
That'd just be Brandon.
You think we can get him on the part?
Yeah.
For real?
I think so, yeah.
He said yes so fast.
Yeah, you did say yeah, real fast.
Which one?
You know which one, man.
Okay.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
I'm a little scared for him to know where I said it.
I think he fixed your washing machine.
No.
That long ago.
These motherfuckers came to fix my washing machine.
Dude, last time we shot,
came to fix my washing machine,
fixed it because there was something wrong
with the spinner or whatever.
And then I go to wash a lot of clothes.
He doesn't put the fucking,
the hose back in the wall,
so my whole fucking kitchen
and part of my living room flooded.
And me and JJ were in there.
He was with a, what'd you have?
A dustpan.
And I had a mop, which is,
dude it took so long.
Yeah.
It took a long time.
I felt like we were in the life of pie.
And our boat was sinking.
Got a kick in.
This son of a bitch.
We were like in Deadliest Kit,
but it's just a roach flows by.
They don't have roaches.
All right.
I know.
Brandon, you ever seen a roach here?
Hell no, I never seen a roach here, man.
I've seen a lot of roaches here in the ashtray.
Got him.
Just the birds outside.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Just the birds outside.
Yeah, it feels like a roach.
Rats.
Yeah.
Well, I smoke outside.
That's good.
Yeah, but he doesn't litter, so he brings them inside.
Of course you got to.
You got to.
It's just what you gotta do.
Yeah.
I understand.
He can't throw the grass.
Oh my gosh, man.
When I used to have a motorcycle,
people would throw their cigarette butts out the window
and they'd just hit me in the fucking face, man.
It was the worst.
Especially, they're not putting them out
before they throw them, dude.
Nobody does.
It's like getting hit by a Maltav cocktail.
Man.
Not really, but yeah.
So you had your helmet on though, right?
Yeah, but you flip the visor up
if you're trying to breathe if it's hot.
And it comes and it stings, dude.
Sometimes they have to have, do they ever sit in there?
Oh, get stuck?
It never happened to me
because the wind would always just push it off my face.
But it's probably possible.
I got a bee stuck into my chest one time.
It hit me in the chest and the stinger
and it was doing like little 360s in there
and I just had to rip them out, dude.
But I had gloves on.
What kind of bike do you have?
I had three.
I had a shitty, yeah.
I had a 2000, not at the same time.
But I had a shitty, my first bike was a 2002,
oh my gosh, this is a crazy story.
It was a 2002 Honda Shadow Ace.
And I bought it from this old white lady out in New Hope,
man, and I went out there to get it from her.
And in her yard, she had like, you know,
like little stone decorations, like a little gnome.
She had black face, like slave gnomes.
Shut the fuck up.
They weren't like porcelain-like gnomes,
they were made out of stone,
but they were very like black, bro.
Like black face.
Did they have the red lip?
Yes.
No.
Yes.
His straw hat, like legit, like,
I'm not gonna say his full name,
but Jim from Huckleberry Finn, like that type of shit.
That's nice, man.
How old was she?
Was she like really old?
Dude, old enough to know better, you know what I'm saying?
Like she wasn't 80, she was like 50.
Damn, man.
She, you know, she made a decision.
That's a wild thing to have in your front yard.
Yeah, I saw him and I was like,
oh yeah, she gonna love me.
And the dude, oh my gosh,
the helmet she gave me with the bike,
which I never put on
because I don't want those diseases in there,
it had a Confederate flag on the back
with like a wolf, like busting out of it.
Oh my God.
It was, what did it say, man?
It said something about PMS.
It was like, you know, like the period symptoms,
but it was like pissing men off or something like that.
But it was something that like fit with it.
It was a real classy establishment, dude.
She knows she says the hard R.
Oh yeah, on the daily and the mission.
I might still have her contact information.
Is she hot?
No.
Damn.
No, dude, no.
She has a motorcycle.
No, and no offense,
but if you're over the age of 50
and you're a woman and you have a bike, dude,
first of all, you eat box, right?
That's a fact.
But no.
You know what, do you know what box is?
No.
For cigarettes?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, so she eats cigarettes.
So next time you see somebody like a girl smoking,
be like, you over here eating box.
Start a conversation.
Box muncher.
Yeah.
You over here munching on the box again, ain't you?
It's hard to quit.
Now, if I ever see a woman smoking
and you don't say this, I'm gonna be mad.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, I got you.
Tom's all about anti-smoking.
Yeah.
Oh man.
I'm trying to stop so I need you to tell them
that they need to stop.
Okay.
And tell them that they're a box muncher
and they need to stop.
Well, hey, box muncher, you see this dude?
He trying to stop smoking.
Why you smoking a whole box of cartons in front of us?
Hey, that guy munches box too.
Stop munching the boxes.
You gotta stop.
Yeah.
You gotta stop.
And give you cancer.
Damn.
It's true.
So can Chef R.D.
Famous anti-box muncher,
your favorite guy, Adolf Hitler, dude.
Anti-smoking campaign.
Oh no.
All right.
That's it for R.D.
We got cold dolls.
Cold dolls.
It's a great episode.
See you guys there.
This week's featured comedian.
Yeah!
Y'all make some noise!
Yeah!
Yeah.
I made some noise for all the great comics
you seen tonight, man.
Yee-hee-hee-hee!
They done fucked this whole crowd up!
Now I gotta go.
I'm the last one.
I feel like I'm in one of those pornos,
like in a gang bang.
I'm the last nigga they gotta go in.
Hell yeah, man.
I'm gonna feel great,
but she ain't gonna feel shit.
Y'all fuck with the porn out here?
Y'all do?
Hell yeah.
I fuck with that porn, man.
I had to stop watching porn, actually, man,
cause it got too bad.
You know what I'm saying?
I had told my therapist,
I was watching so much porn,
I started learning the doos names.
You know how much porn you gotta watch to do that shit?
I'm like, damn, these niggas don't do nothing else.
Go cut the grass or something, man.
Go find a real job.
I tried to watch white porn when I was doing it.
I couldn't.
I'm sorry.
You know what I'm saying?
It's not because I'm not racist.
I love white people.
I just can't see white dudes fucked.
Y'all make these weird noises on porn.
I was trying to watch some white porn,
and these dudes were like.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Like, shut the fuck up.
I'm trying to help y'all out.
I'm trying to support.
You fucking it up for me, bro.
My dude was a dog and he uses the dog to kill people.
He had a football with him.
I'm like, I did it on purpose.
JJ.
Yes.
We got a special guest today, no?
We do, man.
Yes, we do.
We've been on a streak of having good guests on the podcast.
Banger after banger.
This guy, you can see him all around Birmingham,
all around Alabama, really.
Everywhere.
I saw he went to Vegas not that long ago.
My mom.
With his mom, dude.
Damn, bro.
Even sweetheart.
My mom won't even go to Walmart with him.
But yeah, dude, he hosts the Gray Bar on Tuesday nights
with last week's guest, A.J. O'Leary.
Shout out.
I just recently saw him perform at the Stardome
where he crushed it.
He performs there regularly.
Appreciate it, man.
Hell yeah.
Today we have on Cole Nolz.
Hey, yo!
Thanks for coming on, baby.
Thank you guys, I appreciate y'all, man.
Much love.
Hell yeah.
Cole was on the first show I ever did.
He was headlining the first show,
y'all played too much.
I was there.
And shenanigans.
I was there.
Shout out, Syfy.
Syfy.
Hell yeah.
We deal with him.
But yeah.
Cool guy.
Yeah.
Cole, you see me, I was nervous as hell.
He was nervous, man.
I was like, hey, how they gonna put me on the show, dog?
Just kept slapping his thighs.
Oh, man.
I can only imagine the sound.
Hell yeah, man.
But thanks for coming on, man.
For sure, man.
Thank you guys for inviting me, man.
I love the setup in here, man.
Hell yeah, every time we come to Birmingham,
you be showing out, dog.
Yeah, man, I got to, man.
If y'all ever want,
if y'all come back, man,
y'all need to let me know ahead of time.
So we go to the strip club or something.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm down, Brandon can't go, he said.
You can't go to strip clubs?
Yeah, man, you know my girl, she doesn't like that.
Oh, you got a girl?
Yeah, man.
Wow.
Well, she can come too.
See?
That's how you got to pitch it.
Can you imagine her like crocheting
in the corner, knitting in the corner?
Crocheting, what's that thing, the fish,
what's that thing they got the fish hook saying
that they be wearing, the fish mask?
The fish mask.
Like do a little crochet in that fish mask.
She gives it to the stripper before she leaves.
That's pretty sick, I like that.
Yeah.
It ain't cool as hell, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
That's good networking.
How long you been doing standup?
A little bit, a little over three years now.
Three years?
Yeah, a little over three years now.
Okay, damn, you good for three years.
I mean, you fucking be killing that shit.
Appreciate it, man.
Your first comedy show you were tagged in,
March 6th, 2021 at Ghost Train Brewery.
Really?
I saw your first one on Instagram.
March 16th, 2021, Ghost Train Brewery.
I think, okay, Ghost Train.
That's what it says on here at least.
Yeah, so that's when you started off around March in 2021?
It was, I remember my first book show,
it was really at Black Warrior.
That's in Tuscaloosa.
It's in Tuscaloosa, I don't know what day.
No, I'm not saying the day, like is it 2021?
Oh yeah, it was 2021, it was something in there.
I'm not trying to put y'all on blast.
Oh no, I like how Dom was like, around what day was it?
That's called a year, Dom.
I was talking about, I said date.
I thought he said day.
I probably did.
But you leveled up fast,
because you headlined at the stage at season four.
Yeah, man, the stage, Eugene Henry,
host there, man.
Dude, that was so cool, man,
because I never did black comedy until I did that.
I always performed in front of white people,
and I thought I was so funny,
until I performed in front of a room full of black people.
And they were like, and I don't know why
I thought it was okay to talk about white women.
I was talking about like how my,
I said some crazy shit, I said my dick is racist.
It was terrible.
I just bombed so bad.
Yeah, ended up headlining there, that was a huge deal.
My first time headlining there, actually,
I had a lot of, I invited a lot of people,
and a fight broke out.
Damn.
Yeah, so that was.
What was it, the same spot?
Same spot.
Fight just broke out right before I'm about to get on stage.
Why were they fighting?
I think like the host was just like
fucking with this old guy, and the old guy was getting mad,
and you know how that goes.
Also it was between a performer and an audience member.
Yeah.
Oh damn.
That's happened quite a bit in Birmingham.
You'll see that.
You all go to Birmingham, that happens often.
That gray bar, or not gray bar, at Plumb Bar.
That dude smashed his face on the bar stool,
you remember that?
The dude who fell?
Yeah.
Yeah, hell yeah.
Oh yeah, the dude who fell.
He was falling.
He's so drunk he fall like that.
Dude, some shit has gone down at the Plumb Bar already.
Like I've been there, and like a group of old people
was about to fight, it was crazy.
I've never seen so many cramps in my life.
And that's the Plumb Bar, Birmingham on Thursdays.
Plumb Bar.
Eugene Henry.
Eugene Henry, he's amazing.
The one I banded, he's funny too.
He is funny too.
Yeah, he legit, I love whenever,
we all went up there, JJ went up first,
he volunteered to go first.
Oh yeah.
At the Plumb Bar.
He loves it.
Eugene loves people that goes up first, man.
He'll always remember you for that.
Well I volunteer, I think you probably try to forget this.
I try to forget this.
I went up first, and he was flashing the light,
and I was like, oh shit, it had only been like two minutes.
It was not going well.
So I got off, and he went up there,
and he was like, y'all done scared
the white boy off this day?
He was taking a picture of me.
Oh yes.
With the flash on, I didn't know,
I thought he was telling me to get off.
He does that, he does that.
He likes to show people social media,
hey white people do like going in my lives too.
Yeah, he did Brandon wrong.
What happened Brandon?
Nobody's set was really going good that day.
And Brandon was up there, and it wasn't,
the clip he shot, right for Instagram,
it wasn't a single, and you could tell
Brandon's visibly flustered.
Yeah, I'm just looking around like that,
and he's like, shout out to Brandon Willis,
the guy that night, really still in the town.
He's done that with me too.
I've gone on Facebook, I'll go on Facebook,
and he'll tag me, and it'll be like me just bombing.
He's like, man, shout out to the young legend,
Cole man coming through the plum bar.
He's like, dude, I'm doing terrible.
That was also the same night.
We went to plum bar, and Brandon was in the audience,
and the woman on stage, I can't remember her name.
I think it was Ashley the barber.
Ashley the barber.
She was up there, and she was talking to Brandon,
she was like, how old are you?
And Brandon has a beer in his hand, he's like, 20.
And then AJ O'Leary's like, 21.
21, he forgot the one.
So I'm a big movie connoisseur, right?
Me too, man.
Oh, you are.
Hell yeah.
Cinephile?
Say that again?
Cinephile?
Don't know what that movie got.
He just hoed me right on camera.
It just sounds like pedophile.
Oh, shit.
Certified.
All right, so I wanna give you a line from a movie.
Now, I might mess up one word in here.
I ain't saying you a bum, but you one smelly nigga.
What is your favorite movie?
Is this a comedy?
Or is it a drama?
It's older.
Older?
I'll say that.
That's a genre.
It is kind of a comedy,
I think they're all kind of comedies, but.
It might be your favorite.
I'm Gonna Get You Sucker?
Nope.
Oh, that's a good one.
That's a good one.
It might be one of your favorite movies.
Friday.
Nope.
Older than Friday.
House Party.
I like exploitation, Chuck Turner.
Yep.
Oh, hey.
Hell yeah.
That's a full try, that's good.
Turner is amazing, dude.
I love Chuck Turner.
Y'all fit Kodo, man.
Y'all need to lick him up, man.
He's one of the greatest actors ever.
Oh, shit, Isaac Hayes?
Which one?
Y'all fit Kodo.
I thought you liked it because of Isaac Hayes in there
and y'all both in Scientology.
That ain't one.
Nah, that's the second reason I like that movie, man.
First reason is y'all fit Kodo, he's the bad guy in it, man.
He's just, the whole time, the whole movie,
every time some shit go down, he's like,
call the white people for the insurance.
He says that at least eight times in this movie.
I just started saying that in real life.
Didn't even know what that means.
Call the white people for the insurance.
I deal with a lot of insurance in work, actually.
Dude, so does he play Gator or Mack Truck?
Mack Truck is?
Is Isaac.
Is Truck, yeah, Turner, yeah, Isaac Hayes.
Gator, who is Gator, I think?
Gator, he's a pimp named Gator.
Here it is, right here.
I think Gator is, that may have been the guy that died.
Right here?
Yeah, that's the guy that, yeah, that's the guy that got,
yeah, he got killed, yeah.
Damn, he was 35 right there?
He looked old.
Jesus Christ.
It looked like he in the 60s, right?
Yeah.
That's crazy.
He looked like he 60.
That's a bit stressed out, you know what I mean?
That's living life right there.
Yeah, he's stressed.
I'm almost two years older than him.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, man.
How did he get Jake Monty's hair on his head?
That's insane.
Damn, that's a good one. Pimpin' ain't easy, man.
I think Ligger will do that to your face.
Ligger, man, that hard Ligger.
That's good for you, though.
Yeah, that's good for you.
That guy lived life before he died.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I ain't mad at him.
Pimpin' women, cocaine.
Oh yeah, and that was a good coat.
That was a good coat.
You know, none of this cut shit.
None of this lace shit.
Raw, raw.
It don't even burn your nose when you hit it.
Damn.
That's that good coat.
The one that's raw is safe, huh?
Yes.
Hell yeah, man.
That's what's up.
In all aspects of life.
Hell yeah, all right, okay.
What's wrong with that?
That's what's up.
I just didn't know about coke.
Brandon, Brandon, you don't go raw, do you?
No, man, you gotta be safe.
You know what I mean?
Says who? Good man.
You always do, man.
I can't, we can't have another like 15 Brandons
popping up or something.
15? Or, you know what, maybe two.
You know, we can have Brandons popping up.
Two or 15.
Oh, my bad, I'd probably call him like Rick or Richard,
man, that'd be dope, wouldn't it?
Richard. No.
Rick. You wanna name your kid Richard?
Yeah. Why?
That's a cool name, right, man?
Dick. As you can call him Dick.
I will call him a dick sometimes too, right?
Be funny.
That's gonna be his nickname, his name.
You know what, man, well, I didn't want that nickname, man.
He was making that fuck up.
Rick or Richard?
Because my name's BJW, so when I was in like fifth grade,
they'd be like Blow Jive Willie, that's fucked up.
Oh. Yeah.
Yeah, man, I was like damn.
Damn, dude, you had the reputation.
What? Quite the reputation.
I was like, man, hey.
Blow Jive Willie.
That's why I just say BW now, man.
We don't even put that J in the middle.
BW, man. Hell yeah.
You have a nickname growing up?
Yeah, they used to call me Coco.
They used to call me Coco.
Coco Mellon.
Not yet.
That's funny as hell.
I'm just trying to be hip, dude.
But he's catering to like three-year-olds.
So what are the young folks saying?
Is it Coco Mellon?
First of all, I wouldn't even wanna know
how you know about Coco Mellon, dude.
A friend's got kids with him.
Yeah, man, Coco and they call me Lil Ike.
My dad's name is Ike.
They used to call me Lil Ike.
They called him Big Ike.
Yeah, you're the one in the corner.
That's who I was named after.
This is...
No, whoa, this kid's shit, man.
Look at that.
Yeah, that's me and my dad.
Me too, man.
I'd always be in the kitchen.
I had an obsession with frying pans for some reason.
I think we know the reason, dude.
Oh yeah, man.
So I got a question that I wasn't interested in asking.
I found this on the tidbit and I thought it was entertaining.
Okay, let's go for it.
Is it true that you once got a hand job
from a 73-year-old woman at the comedy show?
I did, yes, that happened.
Jesus.
That did happen.
Hold on, man.
Let me...
Thank you.
Toad, Toad.
Thank you, man.
It was the most unique hand job,
most unique sexual experience I ever had, man.
Because her hands was wrinkled,
so that was actually kind of fire.
I bet that was.
I don't even like soft hands.
I don't know, give me some wrinkled hands.
I look at women's hands now.
I don't look at their bodies, their faces.
I'm like, let me see your hands.
Let me see them.
Their rib for texture.
But it would suck if it locked up,
you know, the arthritis.
Yeah, oh man, dude.
Oh my God.
You'd lose your mind.
Did it go to round two?
You said what?
Did it go to the next round?
No, I don't want none of that.
No, no, I don't need...
What you need sex for when you get a wrinkled hand job?
No, no, I said, I was like,
did you get the, what is that thing called, the head?
The head.
Oh no, it was just strictly a hand job.
Strictly, no.
It's the head anyway.
Why did you have, what did you want to know about that?
I was like, because wouldn't that be crazy?
Like, if that happens, how does that work?
Especially for an old lady, is it like gummy or like what?
Does she take out, she said she might still have some tea?
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, she'd still be there.
I never had that before, but I heard it's pretty fire.
You don't have to wait till they're old,
you can get crackhead as a meth.
Ooh, crackhead.
I might have sores in the mouth, but.
Crackhead?
Crackhead would be fire.
Yeah.
Hard.
Yeah.
It's gonna be quick too.
They're like, yo, wait till you get some crackhead.
Yeah.
Fuck normal head.
You say your head and say that's not crack.
Well, that's not a difference.
That's not a difference either.
What's the most unique hand job you guys have ever gotten?
Ooh, yeah, man.
You know what?
I'm not a big fan of handies.
No?
I'ma be honest with you.
I have got a hand job, but I can't even remember.
You don't like a good old fashioned jacking?
No, cause, no, man.
Oh, man.
To get started, yeah, no problem.
But just until completion, I need something wet on there.
I need something to go down.
It could be.
It's about who you're doing it with, right?
Cause the older lady, she was talking to me.
You know what I'm saying?
So that, it wasn't just, she was just like, no.
Talking to your ear.
Yeah.
She's whispering in my ear.
I feel like I'll be down with that.
Yeah, man.
I don't think I'll be down.
What is there with that?
Well, I ask cause I got one driving
through the galaxy of lights.
What?
What's that?
It's like the Christmas lights.
Okay.
Yeah, dude, it was like Speed Racer, man.
That was crazy.
Shit.
What about you, Brandon?
I'm on the same boat with Dive here, man.
Hell yeah.
Y'all are jerking each other out?
No, no, no, man.
You don't like it.
Nah, man.
It's all right.
Yeah, but it's not, yeah.
It'd be the last thing I would ask for.
Okay, but do you jerk off?
But I understand if you're not asking for it
and it just pops up.
Yeah, yeah.
And they're talking to you in your ear.
Yeah, then it can get.
Exactly, exactly.
Yeah, it just depends on the hands.
That's true.
I don't get jacked off by good looking hands.
But the wrinkles aren't hard, they're soft though.
Yeah, wrinkles.
Wrinkles?
All wrinkles.
That's the only time I got a foot job, wrinkly feet.
That felt good.
Ooh.
Now I don't like that.
I'm a big anti-feet, man.
You're not anti-feet?
I'm not a foot guy at all.
You're not a foot guy?
You a foot guy?
I'm not a foot guy, but I will entertain it.
Yeah.
But I'm not a foot guy.
See, I'm the exact same way.
If I see somebody's feet, it doesn't do anything to me.
It doesn't do anything.
But if she put her toe in my mouth,
I probably suck on her a little bit.
You a dog, man.
A dog, a dog.
Then it has to do a little something for you, dude.
Well, cause you're into it.
I suck on anything on a woman once.
Oh, oh.
I said on a woman, so yeah.
Yeah, there's a lot of women with penises nowadays, man.
That is true, that is true.
He's so man-grey.
They got you, dog, they got you, man.
Damn, man.
They got you.
Damn.
This is the big state I'm talking about.
The big state, dude?
Deep state?
Deep state, yeah, yeah, one of them.
This guy, bro.
I'm not a state, man.
No, no.
That's hilarious.
You see Trump got shot?
Man, Trump got shot, man.
In there.
And got up like a real nigga, man.
Cheers.
Got up, man.
Trump is a G, he got up.
Everybody was saying it was staged.
That's what I saw.
Yeah, but I don't think it was.
No, I don't think it was staged.
It ain't staged if you killed something
like an innocent civilian.
Well, well.
I mean, yeah.
But also, but the reason I think it's not staged,
they shot him in the ear, bro.
That would take such precision
to shoot somebody in the ear.
Yeah, and that dude ain't, he wasn't like that.
You seen the picture of him?
Yeah, he looked exactly what you would think
the shooter would look like.
You ain't lying.
Look like the moon, man.
Can you look up a picture of him, Brandon?
I haven't really got a great look at him.
Oh yeah, man.
I know he had a ponytail, which is a good start.
He had a ponytail, I think he had a big underbite.
School shooter.
Looked like Inbred.
Yeah, he was from Pennsylvania, dude.
Yeah, they get a little Inbred up there.
Pennsylvania whites are cool.
Where they got up there, Quakers?
Oh, that's him before.
But that's not, yeah, there it is.
Oh my gosh, bro.
That's not him.
He's corded in.
This isn't him right here?
I know somebody got mixed up with him.
I think it's that dude.
Oh, imagine not being the guy.
But the other ones were whatever you was just on.
Okay, hold on, let me get back on him.
Yeah, that on the left.
Not this one?
Brandon, you just thought that was him?
I thought that was him?
Let me see.
Which one is it?
The one on the left, right there.
Oh yeah, that was crazy.
But the one on the right's not him.
Yeah, but the one on the right's not him?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the dude who looks like him and was playing around
and is like, they're gonna find me.
Oh, that's fucked up.
Yeah, so a lot of people are posting that picture.
Wow.
But the one on the left.
Damn, dude.
It's the first one.
Why is it always three names?
Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wilkes Booth.
Before he changed his hair, man.
What's his name?
Matthew Crooks.
You got a cleft lip,
you can't trust anybody with a cleft lip.
He looks like Edge, man.
Oh my gosh.
He look like Edge.
From WWE, man.
Yeah.
Spear them.
Brandon keeps on pulling up the one that's not him.
This is the third time.
There's so many pictures.
There's so many other ones.
Click on the one with the blue background, man.
What, this one?
Any of them.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, he's got the American Charter.
Yeah.
Mount Rushmore.
I think he was an American, but now.
What happened?
I don't know where he went astray.
Wow, man.
Try to take out our president, Donald Trump.
I just won't hear of it.
Try it.
He tried, but he sucks.
Yeah, he sucks.
He dead now.
So do y'all think that got it for Trump?
Like, I think people are gonna be like,
God, you can't not vote for him now.
If you vote and you just seen this dude get shot in the air
and it's like USA, USA, that's America.
That's the most patriotic shit ever.
It is.
He got shot, then went full on Black Lives Matter, dude.
Dude, black power.
If he was.
I was black power right there.
Yeah.
He became a black panther after he got shot.
Oh my gosh.
Now he's like a Vander Holyfield, dude.
It's part of his year.
Oh yeah.
I wonder if they're gonna fix it.
He got to wear that like a fucking war room.
Fix it?
Yeah, you can fix them.
My ear got bitten off, they fixed it, my left one.
By what, what was the situation?
Man, motherfucker's talking shit.
We was out at, when I lived in Korea
and my boys was out there, they always used to get rowdy
and they talking to these other motherfuckers
and I came out there, they was just japping across the street
and I was drunk, I'm like, man, if you don't shut the fuck up
you ain't about to do nothing.
He's like, set your fat ass up.
He ran up over me and then he was little though
so I just picked him up, slammed him once on the car
and then I went to slam him again, he bit down on my ear.
And then I was like, ah, whenever you get bitten in the ear
lose all power.
So I was trying to hold his head
because you can't rip it off
because you're gonna rip the whole thing off.
So I put my fingers in his nose and finally got it off.
Then I started running and he was running after me
but he tripped.
So when he tripped, I hit him again while he was on the ground.
And then I had to go to the hospital
and then this part of my ear right here,
the middle part was like, it was not there no more.
So it was raised up because it was infected and shit.
So it was like three inches bigger
and then the middle piece was gone
but they had a plastic surgeon come in
and just put like this ear piece on there to mold it
and it molds your skin with a little bit of something in there.
Whoa, man.
They can fix that.
Damn, bro.
Yeah, but I mean, I feel like he should rock that.
Oh, he should, yeah.
Like it's a fucking award.
What if he gets like a red, white and blue fucking thing
put right there?
Come on, man.
Shit would be sick.
Red, white and blue hearing aid, yeah.
I like that, dude.
Who would have thought though
that would have been like a great strategy for you to,
you know, win the presidency is to get shot at.
Almost get shot.
Almost, but it's like 100%,
like Reagan got shot, got the presidency, right?
Right.
Got shot at.
Who was the other dude?
You know, Roosevelt?
Teddy?
He took one in the chest.
Oh, he did?
He got back up and finished his speech.
God damn.
Was it Garfield or Arthur?
He took one.
There was another guy.
Oh, what?
Yeah, took one, yeah.
Okay, he got, he made it too?
I don't know.
I remember Andrew Jackson, he got shot.
He won the presidency.
That's all you gotta do is get shot.
Yeah, you get shot.
50 cents.
Wow.
50 cents.
50 cents is my, you see 50 over there trolling already?
Oh yeah, man.
Many men.
Yeah, yeah, it's crazy.
I love 50 cents social media, dude.
It's the best shit.
Ultimate troll.
Okay.
You do any trolling on the internet?
I did, I trolled, okay, like a few weeks ago
I trolled this Superman, this is a new Superman movie
that's about to come out.
And I started trolling the costume
because it looks like a weird.
Yeah, I seen that.
Yeah.
I seen you posted that.
Yeah, and it, I don't, for some reason
that video got more traction than all my other videos.
And I thought it was a good thing at first
until I looked at the comments
and people was like, dude, shut the fuck up.
You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, dude.
You don't know anything about comic books.
This is the original.
And you know what, Drew Davis should not have said that, man.
He should not have said that.
That's fucked up.
But yeah, that looks like shit, dude.
You don't wanna fuck with it.
There's a worse, no, it was that picture right there.
The one where he's with the black guy, yeah.
That's the one I was making fun of.
Right there?
Yeah.
Hold on.
Let me click on it.
Dude, I clicked on it.
Oh, you did click on it.
I don't know.
But that's it, right?
Right?
Hold on, it is.
Yeah, right there.
Yeah, it's just like, who's that other guy, dude?
I don't know who.
It just looks goofy.
They're trying to do it like Captain America.
Yeah.
Because it was like Captain America,
you couldn't do that as two, but he pulled it off.
Yeah.
But I see what you're saying with this one.
And I like the older, the Henry Cavill one better,
but this one just looks like, I don't know, it's weird.
I will say this, the Henry Cavill one,
he's too big to be Superman.
You think so?
You can't, how the fuck is Clark Kent is supposed to be?
This Dutz of a guy.
You see Henry Cavill out anywhere,
you're like, god damn, that's a big motherfucker, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, that could be Superman.
That's true.
I feel like nowadays is more believable
when that first, than when it first came out.
I know it hadn't been that long,
but now you see just dudes that are jacked
in like the weirdest work environment.
But they're not Dunces.
They're not like, yeah, you can,
I'll hold the door open for you.
You know, that type of shit.
I know that's not what,
that was a bad example.
You like that one better?
I do.
Yeah, the bold is way better on that one.
I just think he looks, he just looks.
I don't know, my Superman,
I want my Superman to be like jacked.
You want him to be able to be jacked.
I want my superheroes to be jacked.
You know what I mean?
That's just me though.
Is the new guy at least an American?
Who?
The new guy.
I have no fucking clue.
That's what's important.
Henry Cavill, I mean, that's Stolen Valor
when he's playing the back.
He's British as fuck, dude.
Oh my God.
He's from Pennsylvania.
Corn Sweat?
There you go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Corn Sweat, yeah, he's from America.
Yeah, he's American.
Hell yeah.
We got him back.
We got Superman back, boys.
That wasn't the guy.
Who do you think would have been a good Superman?
Throughout all, like, oh, let me see.
Brandon, what are your thoughts on this, dude?
Who would be a good Superman for this?
For anyone, like throughout history, right?
Yeah, yeah, anybody, anybody.
Anybody, dude.
I guess the, man, what was it?
Who was the dude from the 80s?
He was a good one.
That's who I feel did the best.
Oh, Christopher Reeves is Superman.
He's the best.
That's why I probably wouldn't change him.
Christopher Reeves knows how to ride horses.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
He's a real gripping man.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's how he looks like.
Yeah, he looks like a real gripping man.
That is hilarious.
Ryan Gosling.
Oh, shit.
Ryan Gosling.
That'd be interesting.
He's funny, he can play the part, and he's jacked up.
But you can't tell what clothes on.
Yeah, that's true.
I'd probably go with a prime Steven Seagal.
It's a prime, right when he got on the scene, dude.
He could fight back then.
That'd be wild, actually.
Yeah.
Aikido, Superman using Aikido.
He doesn't need much words.
Yeah, look at the old, yeah.
Yeah, look at the old Steven Seagal.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
That could actually work.
That's the guy that shot Trump, dude.
Yeah.
I hear the picture of it.
Oh no, that's when he started getting fat.
When he started making movies with rappers,
that's when I knew it was over.
Yeah.
He in moves with Ja Rule.
No, but Prime Steven Seagal, I think he would have been
a damn good Superman.
He would have.
I like Prime Steven Seagal.
You gotta be real specific when you're speaking about Steven.
Oh my God.
He's quite possibly the worst actor of all time.
Yeah.
That's why he would have been great, though.
That's why, I mean, I love Steven Seagal movies, though.
What about John Cena, dude?
Yeah, he could.
Ooh, John Cena would be good.
You wouldn't like that?
Hell yeah.
Too big?
Sylvester Stallone.
He is, he's huge.
I don't know if he has the action chop.
Sylvester Stallone?
I don't know.
He can't talk.
He can't.
Yeah, let's get Bruce Willis.
I don't know.
Yeah, Louis.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's terrifying, Ashley, man.
You see Superman doing that.
I got a skit idea.
It's hard to watch it after this.
Damn, what about if they went,
you know how they made Batman emo in the last one
with Robert Patton?
Oh yeah.
If they got like Jake Gyllenhaal and did emo Superman.
Oh damn, that would have been cool.
I thought they almost did that with Nicolas Cage.
Yeah, that's real.
That's real.
He was supposed to be Superman one time.
I watched that Long Legs movie that just came out
that he was in.
That shit was terrible, dude.
It's terrible?
It's not good.
I just got a review from my boy.
He said it was one of the best scary movies he's watched.
Well, if it's who I think it was, dude.
He needs to put the crack pipe down.
Yeah.
It's meth.
But.
Yeah.
Since you're, you like movies though.
What you got?
You got two movies, top two movies?
Top two movies.
Your favorites though.
Man, that's tough, man.
It's really just depending on how I feel.
Top two movies.
I do like Django.
Oh, that's a good one, dude.
Yeah, you like Django?
Yeah, I love that movie.
Of course he does.
Yeah.
I didn't like the ending, but I think it's really good.
It's unrealistic ending.
I also commented on your Superman costume video.
Oh yeah?
You don't know what you're talking about.
Did you for real?
Yeah.
The Django.
They put in Django and fucking what was that,
the bounty?
The Star Wars?
Yeah.
Fucking crazy.
We watched this movie in school, man.
For real?
What?
Yeah, man.
Yeah, they did.
That's Alabama education right there.
Yeah, dude.
Black History Month.
Black History?
Black History Month, man.
Y'all could've at least watched Ray.
Something like that.
I just showed him Ray.
I was excited, man.
That was good.
Oh, you just seen Ray?
Oh yeah, I just watched it for the first time.
Yeah, he was actually Ray.
Yeah, right?
He was Ray Charles.
That was wild.
I didn't know anything really about him
until that movie.
Yeah, dude, he's blind.
That was actually the only thing I did know, dude.
He was really good at playing the piano.
Could you imagine taking heroin while you're blind?
You think you see stuff?
Yeah.
You think that's why he was doing it?
He turned to daredevil.
Yeah.
I'm just...
Yeah.
That's cool.
Ray Charles, a legend, yeah.
Hell yeah, rest in peace, right?
RIP, dude.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, he dead.
I know.
He died two, five, before.
I know that for a fact.
This dude, any date you throw at him, he'll know.
He'll know.
Any movie, especially.
Yeah.
Really?
Let's get more.
Yeah, 2004, Beverly Hills.
See, look, 2004, that's crazy.
Wow.
When the movie come out, I think it was like,
what was it, 2000?
He saw the movie.
You went to the theaters once?
No, man, I was born in 2003.
No.
I was born in 2003.
Not yet.
Yeah, he won an Oscar for this, dude.
Mm-hmm.
Let's see.
Deservedly so, no.
I mean, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
Deservedly so, nobody else came close.
Hell no.
What other movies came out in 2004, dude?
2004?
This dude, Spider-Man 2, right?
No.
Spider-Man 2?
Sam Raimi, Spider-Man 2?
Yeah.
Madagascar 3.
Please be 2004.
Yeah.
It is!
Oh my gosh.
Hell yeah.
That's crazy.
Anything else, Brandon?
2004.
I'm not gonna say it.
I feel like there is one, but I know I'm probably wrong.
What is it?
I was gonna say Cinderella Man, but I don't believe it.
Look it up, dude.
Let's see.
I feel like it's earlier.
Let's see.
Yeah.
2002.
Yep.
2001.
Just a year off.
One month.
June 3rd.
Oh, okay.
Just a year off.
Yeah.
You still get it.
Close.
They made us watch this in school also, man.
I had to correct the teacher,
because they had, what was his name?
They had Joe Lewis with the EWIS,
and I was like, no, hold on.
That's not the Joe Lewis that held the title
for like, what was it, 11 to 12 years?
And then she was like, really, Brandon?
And then when I showed it, she was like,
oh wow, give it up for Brandon.
You know, I know about boxing.
I love boxing.
She just lied to these people?
No, they got ass whoops.
What was it, game, bradix?
He's not gonna do that in real life, in New York.
No.
Come on now.
Hey, bullshit.
In 1930s?
In 1930s!
Get the fuck out of here.
Hey, during the Great Depression?
Get out of here, man.
Can you believe they said that shit?
No.
About Joe Lewis, man.
Joe Lewis.
A black man.
He was amazing, man.
Amazing dude.
He was a great boxer.
Hell yeah.
You like sports?
I do like sports.
What's your shit?
I'm more of a basketball guy.
NBA college.
Yeah, NBA.
NBA.
I like a little bit of college,
but I'm more of an NBA guy.
Who's your team, man?
I don't really have teams.
I got players I go for.
I like, yeah, KD.
Whatever team KD is on, Kevin Durant.
You would have to buy a jersey
from half the teams in the league.
I've bought like eight jerseys in the past three years.
But I hope your hair don't turn out like that.
You remember the Sonics they had from Slushies?
Or what was it?
The Slushies they had from the Sonics, man?
It was fire.
What flavor was it?
It had Nerds in them.
Yeah, Nerds.
The Razzberries.
Shit was fire.
He was with Oklahoma.
Oh, okay.
Hell yeah, man.
So do you think KD deserves to be, let's say,
in the top 10 of all time greats?
Yeah, he's definitely in my top five.
He's my top five.
Yeah, he's top, everybody says that.
Everybody's like, aw fuck KD.
No, no, KD's like one of the most unique unicorns
ever to play basketball.
Yeah, man.
And then, but he ain't got that in him.
Everybody always says that.
Everybody's like, aw.
He's got the dog.
I need the dog for top 10.
He's like one of the most versatile scorers ever.
And he ain't bad on defense.
He's not a liability, dude.
No, not at all.
I mean, because he's seven foot.
He's seven feet tall.
He plays like a guard.
He's super efficient from the floor.
It's just like.
He's hilarious on his burner accounts, dude.
He is, dude.
He is good on that.
The burners, man.
You think he's ever gonna win one again?
I hope so.
I do think he's gonna win another one.
I just don't think it's gonna be
at the level he's at right now.
I think he's gonna be like probably more or less
of a player and he may could get one.
But not sons.
They suck.
They fucking suck.
That's why he needs to come to Memphis
and we're gonna win one, dude.
Yeah, dude.
With Ja?
Yeah, we're gonna win one in Memphis with KD.
They could.
You got Jared Jack.
Jared Jackson.
Yeah.
Ja and who else?
We got Gigi.
He's a young guy.
He's on the come up.
Desmond Bane.
Marcus Swarn.
Oh, Bane.
Hey, that little motherfucker good.
Dude, he looks like a little rockum sockum robot.
He can shoot threes.
He don't look like a basketball player.
He too big, bro.
Desmond Bane.
Desmond Bane, he a beast.
Dude, my goat is James Harden, dude.
James Harden.
Not for anything basketball related,
but for one tweet that he made a long time ago.
It's the funniest fucking thing of it.
Can you look that up, Brendan?
All right, you said who?
James Harden, old tweet.
The muscle man.
That's all you have to prepare to be this good.
Yeah.
He's a Texas Christian, bro.
Yeah, man.
He's God's warrior.
Yeah.
Oh, that's not it.
That's it.
Wait, no, it's not.
My bad.
James Harden.
Where is it, man?
James Harden, nope, that's not it.
All right, dude.
Well, just look up James Harden.
I dislike retarded people.
That's easy, bro.
He really tweeted it.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
Somebody must have pissed him off that day, man.
That's it.
Oh, I dislike it.
Fuck you, man.
Oh my God.
That's a wild thing to say.
Then they put this picture right there.
Nah, that's good, that's good picture, man.
Wait, what did that picture, what?
It was him making like a gopher face.
Like a broke out of prison or something.
Like Kimbo Fleish.
Dude.
Who else had the meme?
They were at the Holocaust memorial.
Who's like, had to do it for the one time.
Was that Danny Green?
I think so.
Yeah, Danny Green.
He now has three rings, dude.
Damn.
Danny Green Holocaust, let's see.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Damn, man.
What's up?
Oh my.
A lot of history here, more than you could imagine.
Very tragic, sad things happened, Holocaust, Berlin.
Hashtags.
No, he didn't say that.
It was a different caption, dude.
Oh, you know I had to do it.
Yeah.
LOL.
Had to do it for the one time, though.
Dude, we were talking and I had this marketing class
in college and we were talking about Pokemon Go
and how it like blew up.
And Pokemon Go, the company that made it got in trouble
because they kept putting ghost type Pokemon
in the concentration camps.
Oh shit.
Yeah.
That's tight.
Wow.
LOL.
Hey, so you were talking about earlier.
Hold on, didn't you have one?
What?
You were talking about earlier how
crazy shit went down at the mics.
What's some of the craziest people
that you encounter while doing comedy?
Or craziest instances?
I know I fucked that word up.
Craziest instances out of Mike.
Oh, actually I was at Huntsville one time.
Alex, I think Alex remembers this.
It was in Huntsville and I want to say a few years ago,
where's that place that Matthew Tate used?
The boxcar?
The station.
The station, okay, yeah.
So we're performing there, right?
And then after the mic, me and my friend Jeremiah
were outside talking and this drunk white guy,
he just, I'm standing by the door,
he just, I'm talking about fucking like,
just mauls the door, like leaving out.
And it almost fucked me up.
And I was like, yo man, watch what you doing, man.
Like, you know, and he didn't say nothing.
He didn't say nothing, he just went to his car
and I was like, all right, whatever.
And so he go to his car, he comes back.
He comes like in the front of the entrance
and he like rolls his wind down.
He's like, what?
Oh, come on now.
What?
Like nobody's saying anything.
He's like, huh?
Fuck you say?
And we're still not, we're like, dude, what's wrong with you?
He's like, hold on, hold on.
And he gets out his truck and he approaches me
and he's trying to fight me,
but he ends up like somehow fighting my friend.
And yeah, it was, my friends are beating him up.
And I felt like I had to do something, you know what I mean?
Cause I couldn't go back to Birmingham.
They like, oh, what did you do?
Cause that's what black people always be like,
what did you do?
So I had to be, so I did something.
So the only thing that came to my mind
I was just putting my foot on his neck.
I was just like, yeah, bitch.
I had to do something.
So yeah, I jumped somebody.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, that was part of the crazies though.
Yeah.
That was just the old station, rest in peace.
Boscar is a wild place, dude.
Yeah, oh, a lot of wild shit goes down to Boscar.
Do they still do, they don't do mics there anymore.
They probably close.
Oh, they close.
Wow.
Damn, dude.
That was the one you go to.
You could literally say whatever.
Whatever, man, who gives a fuck?
Clint would get mad, if somebody got mad at you,
Clint would fuck them up.
Yeah.
Dude, Clint handled business.
I remember he slapped that one guy.
You remember that?
Slap him.
Yeah.
He slapped somebody?
Yeah.
Clint said, I'm from the project.
What a guy, white guy, he said, I'm from the project.
Stand on business.
He had immaculate fingernails.
That's really all I remember.
He did?
Yeah.
Fingernails?
He had long nails, dude.
I never noticed that.
He'll get you, bro.
You don't wanna fight somebody like that, dude.
They rip down on your shit.
You don't wanna be scratched up after a fight.
No.
That's the worst.
That shit hurt burns the next day.
Yeah, man.
Hell yeah.
What's up with bar owners trying to fight people
in the comedy scene, dude?
Yeah, we just lost Shaq Nasties.
Yes, we did.
I know that was your favorite place.
Oh my God, dude.
Oh my God, dude, I had such a great time.
What happened, though?
Sorry about that, Cole.
Yeah, that was so amazing.
What happened at Shaq's, though?
Yeah, man.
Apparently, I'm racist.
Out of all the people that were there,
me, Ace, I'm the racist guy.
Anybody just there, you know what I mean?
Anybody, take your pick.
It's a biker bar.
Take your pick.
Yeah, that was crazy.
Oh, Mulan.
I compliment, yeah, Mulan.
I complimented Asian porn.
I just said that, hey, y'all have great porn.
And she was like, what?
She was crying, bro.
She was like, yo, why would you target me?
And I was just like, yo, fuck with the porn.
I'm the type of guy, when I like porn, I tell them.
If I saw a small person, I'd be like, hey, I love y'all porn.
Great porn.
That doesn't mean I hate small people.
The thing about that, dude, is both her parents are white,
and her boyfriend is white.
She doesn't have any Asian friends.
No, not at all.
And her boyfriend didn't give a fuck.
He didn't.
He didn't even know what was happening,
because I think Chase or somebody was like, hey,
sorry about something with your girl.
He's like, what are you talking about?
They were back there talking for like an hour and 30 minutes.
When I got there to set up the mic,
he was already drinking, dude.
While she was up there on the stage,
he was already drinking.
And then she almost ran him over.
Yeah, she almost hit him.
Yeah, that was the most Asian shit ever.
Yeah.
It was.
And I was the host, right?
So I had to go talk to her to try and just smooth things out.
You don't want bad relations with folks.
No.
You don't.
And so I was talking to her.
I had this 20 minute conversation where
I was just trying to listen.
And then at the end, I was like, you know what?
I'm sorry that happened.
My name is JJ.
I'm glad we could have this talk.
And she was like, my name's Mulan.
How can I not laugh?
You know what I'm saying?
And then she almost runs over her white boyfriend.
Oh, yeah.
I love it.
Almost tragic.
No, it's tragic.
He didn't see it coming.
No.
It was crazy.
That was my two Huntsville experiences, man.
I really loved y'all comedy scenes.
Glad to have you, man.
Y'all have great audiences.
Go to a Jonathan's.
Yeah.
I love the sex shop.
It's good, man.
Sex shop.
I think I've been there.
Yeah, you get 10% off, too.
You went to Pleasures, right?
Was that your, somebody's?
When I was most in it.
That was the same night as, I was the same night as Shagnassi's.
Yeah, OK.
Yeah.
So we was at Pleasures first, and then we went to Shagnassi's.
Yeah, that was it.
Now it's at a Chanticey.
So it's a.
Is that another sex shop?
Yeah.
OK, you wanted to switch it up.
Yeah, Jonathan has a lane.
He's staying at it.
Great relationships with sex shops.
You need that.
Yeah.
You do get 10% off Lube with you.
10% off Lube.
Actually, that was at the last place.
I don't know if we get anything.
No, you get discounts.
You get discounts.
I ask.
On everything?
Yeah, I think it's 10% off anything.
And they got that crazy blowjob machine
with the controller and shit.
Like a PlayStation 4 controller.
And you can put your, you put your phone in it,
and it's got like a dual shot, basically.
Oh my god.
It just goes to town on you.
Damn, dude.
Heat settings.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Constriction.
It's hard.
I didn't even know how to control it.
Ty was doing it perfectly.
Ty funny.
He was out, he was controlling that shit.
Probably tried to do it.
I couldn't get it to work.
He's like a drone pilot.
Yeah.
All right, on game.
That's it?
That's the shit Brandon had.
No, Brandon, no shit about this.
No, hold on.
That's it.
Yeah, that's it.
That's it right there.
Oh my god.
Look at that shit.
Oh yeah, there it is.
That's a perfect.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh my god, bro.
Not gonna lie, would, would.
It's out of style.
They have them at Enchanceses on Tuesday night.
Wow, man.
Dude, could you imagine you could link that up
to college football 25?
Oh man, dude.
Yeah, good game, literally, you know?
Both ways.
I like that.
I like the Clown College logo.
Wow.
Tell that merch.
Jesus, bro.
I've never seen nothing like that before, bro.
I know, man.
Y'all tried it.
Everybody tried it.
They have a sample one that you can pick up
and like play with it.
I mean, we didn't put our wieners in it.
OK, OK.
You put your fingers in it, though.
You put your fingers in there?
What was it like?
It was moist.
It was moist?
So somebody probably used it.
I hope not.
Because I held that.
Wow.
Man.
Oh, they got a foot with a pussy in it.
Holy fuck.
Yep, they got a foot with a pussy in it.
Is it on the bottom of the foot or on the top?
It's so hard.
Sex toy, OK.
Oh, no, we can't.
I'll blur it out.
Huh?
OK, search it up.
I'll blur it out.
OK, OK, OK.
Foot, pussy.
You may put the pussy there.
Foot, pussy.
Let me get some of that old foot pussy.
Yep, that's it.
Oh.
Oh, that's weird.
They got a butt on the other side?
So this is 3 and 1 right here.
That's serial killer type shit.
That is weird.
The only way to fulfill your sexual fantasy,
you have to cut off a foot.
Nah.
Like in real life to simulate this.
I can't get with that.
Let's see how much this cost, man.
That's crazy.
$229, man.
That's why it's still in stock.
They're not selling them shit.
That's ridiculous.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at the imagery on the top right, dude.
Look at that.
Oh.
Hey, it's like Christ.
Oh, my god.
That's just gross.
See, I feel bad.
I feel bad.
Oh, my god.
Oh, that is, that's.
That's rough.
That's worse than a splinter, man.
I don't think we can even put this on YouTube.
What'd you say?
I said that's worse than a splinter, man.
You got a dick, not no wood.
I mean, it is wood.
Are you starting to see why I'm an anti-foot guy now?
This is what these fucking monsters do.
Hey, look, man.
I'm an advocate, but this is the weird shit.
It's too far.
It's too damn far.
It's levels to it.
This is overboard.
How bad is your life going where you got to fuck a foot
with a pussy?
Post-nut syndrome is horrible.
Oh, it's got to do with suicide.
You just spent $229 on this fucking thing, and you're like, oh, my god, I can't even
own that dash for work tomorrow, dude.
Axel, how was your day?
What did you do earlier, man?
You fucked a foot.
That's disgusting shit, man.
That is hilarious.
There aren't words to describe how uncomfortable this image makes you.
You may put something happier on.
Yeah, look up anything.
Pool, pool.
You play pool?
I don't play pool.
I'm not good at pool.
You got somebody in your family that's good, though, huh?
Yeah, my mom and my granddad, they are really good at pool, but I'm just not interested
in pool at all.
I don't know.
I feel you.
I'm terrible at it.
Yeah.
And I hate when I go there and other people are playing, and they kind of look over at
your table like, oh, motherfuckers.
Yeah.
They're like, man, you want to play pool?
And when I say no, they're like... I started learning in Kansas, man.
In Kansas?
Yeah.
I went down to Kansas for two days.
To learn how to play pool?
Oh, no.
I went down there because my girl wanted me to be the family.
Oh, okay.
And they were like, we're going to teach some pool.
I learned some pool.
That was pretty decent, man.
I'm all right.
You're just going to give me about a... I mean, I could do it now.
We can get you.
It'll be a challenge for y'all.
You guys are going to know how to play.
But if you knew how to play, give me a year or two.
About a year or two.
That's all you need.
You can have a couple years.
But I'd have to be playing every day.
I'm not going to do that.
So give me about four years.
Four years, if we're being honest.
You played basketball in high school, though?
Yeah, I played basketball in high school.
I was a shooting guard and I was in a point guard a little bit.
More of a shooting guard, though.
We might need you for something coming up, dude.
What y'all got?
I'm happy to announce live on the podcast the first annual Clown College basketball
tournament.
This all started because team Pops since Asia, Matthew Lumber wanted to talk to... and Brandon
is actually a beast of a basketball player.
I'm decent with defense, man.
You're a defender.
He's a defensive monster.
Yeah, once we get out the range, I can get a couple three points, but it's not going
to be crazy, crazy, constant.
Yeah, you're a lockdown defender.
Defense.
But he said it was... so they all went to play.
It was JJ, Brandon and Matthew Lumber.
And then when they came back they said Brandon was the best by far and they're both you know
They look like they could play they long tall and then Brandon said you said lumber might be a little bit better than you
But you don't think but you but you better than JJ
Brandon is a better overall all around that he beats me in every single case
Wow, so you would take so you would take them three verse me
lumber and
Blake Russell my team will win you think so my team will win. Okay. I'm just being honest. Okay
I mean I could have went D one
Oh, so you good coaches didn't want to play me. Oh, you know how that goes, you know, hey man
The Civic League which was horrible the what the Civic League which was horrible because we were all short
I get the kind of program that
You know what this is the Civic League I don't know
Oh
I thought that was like some
Special for black people
Black basketball
I watched over the special ed because I was in Gerard to see but oh, yeah, you know, you were the guard
I had to follow that person around make sure that they didn't run off and that's a crazy
Yeah, I got lucky my other friend. Of course. He got unlucky at one. I was trying to hug him and kiss him
I
Strong yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude got a grip on I would have been worried
What event did you participate in?
I watched I watched them throw the ball. I saw the racing was there a fastest held out really? Yeah, they're very athletic
We in my P in high school
We would have like half of the gym would be just like the normal class and special ed would be the other half of the gym
But okay, there'd always be a few stragglers
You know and we played basketball me and my friend played basketball and we had a guy in a wheelchair on our team
Like one of those motorized wheelchairs. He wasn't the greatest shooter, but he said nasty
Do I got I got beat up by
What I got beat up
Mentally challenged child I got beat up man and please well, it was the teacher's son
And it was like one of the you know after school like the little you can you have to wait for your parents and shit
Something I forgot what happened but like he ended up like smacking the shit out of me
And I remember like they told my mom and stuff and my mom she felt so bad for me
because she didn't know that he was mentally challenged until I told him and
And once I told her that hey he was mentally challenged she just got upset at me she just
Lost all respect for me. She was like
You grounded now
I got grounded for getting beat up
Brandon would you like to share with Cole your story?
Well, it was more of a dumbass
Psychology mind of keeping doing some dumb shit from a special mentally challenged guy
I was on this like monkey bar thing and he was like, I'll help you up right? I'm like first grade. I'm alright
I'm trusting you so he does this and he boom he throw me on the ground
And then I get back up and I'm like what the fuck happened? He's like, oh man I slipped
I was alright don't do it again. So then I'm back up there and he does it again
And then I get up man. I'm dumb man. I got up and I was like Charlie Brown
I was like what the fuck you like man I'm sorry I promise then the fourth day after that I couldn't get up
And I just see the whole class circling around me like damn what happened?
Then they carried me to the nurses office and I went home and watched like this bootleg Iron Man 2
That was bullshit
That was man
I can't believe I'm just thinking I'm like how did I not like man
He fooled you
I was like man I'm going to maybe he really is slipping
Fool me once
I just didn't believe it I can't believe I was in denial
I shouldn't have knew what was going on
You see how he skipped three and said the fourth time
The fourth time
After that I was like yeah man we can't fuck with this guy
No hell nah man
I see him at the library like fuck that guy man
Fuck him
Don't know what he looks like now but
Probably the same
Oh shit
This guy probably a little taller that's about it
It looked like you man it was fucked up
Hell though
Oh my god you got me crying over here
Alright by the sign of this Ghostly Muhammad Ali
That means it's the end of the podcast
It went by so fast
Stay here and talk to you forever
What we're going to do right now though
You want to tell people who are listening and everybody who's on video
Watching on video right here in this camera
What you got coming up your socials and everything
As AJ told you guys earlier
Me and AJ O'Leary and my friend we host the open mic every Tuesday at the Gray Bar 280 in Birmingham Alabama
Yeah you can follow me on all socials Cole underscore Nals on Instagram
Comedian Cole Nals on TikTok Cole Nals on Facebook and on Pornhub Medium Black Dick
Yeah man we got that going and
Yeah Snapchat is big guwop
I was a big Gucci man fan when I made that
And YouTube is cut the cheese
There's no cheese on there but
Yeah we be cutting shit
You know what I'm saying
Yeah man thank you guys for inviting me man I really had a great time
Thanks for coming out
He's big time go see him Birmingham he's around you do shit everywhere right
Everywhere man
Go subscribe to him and go see him for real when you go see him
Yeah dude
Say you saw him before he blew up
For real because this is the young phenom right here
See me for my special 2-beat
Hell yeah thanks man
Thank you
Good shit
For the fans