This is the Clown College podcast. We're just a couple open micers trying to
make our way through the scene. Where we interview comedians throughout different
stages of their comedy career no matter if they're open micers, headliners or
traveling comedians. I'm here too. Jamie 2.0 I just talk a lot more.
Damn it Brandon! Go sit in the corner.
OJJ. What dude? Brandon. Episode 28. Damn. Mane teo, Joe. That's Italian.
Yo we just got an email. Oh from who? Dude it's the Huntsville Police Department.
Says long time viewer first time email. They want to do a meeting with us man.
A meeting? Yes. A fucking meeting? Yes man they found out. What?
You don't need to know man they found out. Oh shit. Alright dude. I guess we're having a
meeting with the fucking police department. Maybe they want to sponsor us.
Oh yeah you're right. Maybe it's a sponsorship.
Hey guys I want to thank you for coming in today. I know you're busy I'm busy and
I just want to say before we get started huge fan of the podcast. I love what
you're doing. A lot of laughs but I'm not a man who likes to laugh and frankly I
see a lot of depressing and disturbing stuff in the line of my job. Let me
break this down for you real quick. We've got monsters on the streets of Huntsville.
Sexual predators is what I'm talking about. These are the worst kind of human trash.
The mayor is concerned about it. The governor is concerned about it. Chief of
Police is concerned about it. Let me tell you what the Chief of Police is worried
about and what the mayor is worried about. I'm worried about it. I've got a
promotion coming up hopefully lieutenant. It could be nice. It could be an extra
$2,500 a year. So that's not the point. The point is this. I need help
catching a predator. What I've noticed is there's something about your general
demeanor, your childlike manner, your simple mind I think that is naturally
attractive to the kinds of guys that we're trying to catch. What I
want to propose to you fellas is sting operation. Huntsville Police has put
together some plans and we think you could play a major part in these plans.
Here's the deal. We've got a playbook for a bunch of different sting operations
for sexual predators of this nature. The Russian 76, the Oklahoma Protocol, New
Jersey Mouse Trap. Probably heard of some of these. The Tequila Sunrise, the
Colombian dog catcher. Well in this case I think what is most appropriate is just
traditional catfishing. We'll coordinate the online piece. He goes by Chopsticks69.
Oh shit, I know him. I already know him. I met him on Craigslist. We play
Pokemon together and sometimes Beyblade. What we would like to do is have you
post up at a trap house that Huntsville Police has set up. You'll be there. We'll
entice the sexual predator to come find you and then as soon as he engages in
some sort of inappropriate sexual engagement with you but believing you to
be a minor once he engages we'll have the evidence that we need to make an
arrest and put him away for a long long time. Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dom and I are Brandon's legal guardians. We legally adopted him.
We're his power of attorney. What's in it for us? I propose $1,500 and one
get-out-of-jail free card each. And we'll sell them to you for that
price. You could have them. Yes. Interesting angle there. I would
say that by policy the Huntsville Police Department, we don't buy people. Yeah,
there are laws on the books about that. We call it human trafficking now but
maybe we could rent him for a little bit. Yeah, that works. Okay. And also I have a
suggestion. How about whenever he gets here to make sure he doesn't do it
again we brand his dick. I like that idea. Brand his dick so when he shows his
death to kids they know he's a pedophile and they can't read but they can
recognize symbols. Exactly. That's my man right here. That's Frowny Face on the
top. I like where your heart's at. I like where your mind's at. Okay. Now believe me
nobody hates these guys as much as I do. Oh well. You know what? Hey listen. Since
we're gonna get this man and we need these three safe right so let's think
about this. This is this is this is brilliant. When we get this man you give
him a key and whenever he opens the door or like starts something or even has
radio it just says child predator. That's good. We all know. That's good. Wow.
The important thing for this is that we're able to make the arrest.
That's really what we're trying to do. That's the first step. We have to make
the arrest. To do that we need you to be at the trap house tomorrow at 6 p.m. if
that works for you. It worked. So what time are you gonna be there tomorrow?
I'm gonna be there 5.50. 45. 5.45. 5.45 it's very important that you be on time at the
address that I send you.
Dude you know what's fucked up? What's that? Fruit loops are all different colors but
taste the same. Oh shit. Just like us man. Just like us. Okay are you guys ready to
go? Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Well let's go. Where's Brandon?
Oh shit. Brandon it's 5.45 where the fuck are you? Oh yeah he told me that y'all
just wanted me to come down here so I'm at his house. He? Who? He? He who? Yeah. Yeah.
He told yeah yeah we're here with the guy. At Chopstick 69? Yeah Chopstick 69. I'm killing there now. Brandon he's the target. I know but he told me that y'all were cool with this. He told you? Wait where's there? You're in his house? Where are you right now? Yo I gotta go. Yeah you do gotta go. You're in there. Oh my god. You guys are on your own.
Oh shit.
This show is going to blow you away so I need a little bit more energy. You have a good one in that show. Okay I'll let you stay. Anyway we have an amazing line up of incredible variety of things that are going to go on but in order for all that to happen we gotta have some clowns.
Anybody like clowns? Wow. Y'all people don't know what's going on tonight right? Alright well in any case I need you to get loud and rowdy. Welcome to the stage the gentleman from the Clown College Comedy Podcast. Y'all got it up? Yeah.
And that is J.J. Brandon, John and the Clown College Comedy Podcast. Yeah. Hey are you guys ready for the fucking party? Welcome to the Clown College Live Podcast. What we got going on?
Oh shit are we standing up? I'm up dude I'm up. We got a lot of performers. The one, the only, the main, this is Dave Huse. You can do it. You want me to do it? We fucking made our intro to our package. We fucking despised it so we wanted to spice it up a little bit. So we got a local white rapper.
Hey! We're going to record our intro song. Guys this guy is hilarious. He's a great rapper. You're going to be entertained regardless. He's a fool. Give it up for Charlie Swisher!
Clown College people let's get it going. Yeah!
Let's all go to my college baby. It's with Brandon Williams and Dominic J.J.
Oh man it sounds so much better not live. Thank you Charlie. Yeah of course it does. Thank you you guys. Alright let's get it going people. Yeah! Give it up for Charlie Swisher!
Get over there Brandon. Brandon knows where he belongs. Get the hat dude. Charlie thank you for wearing your high bridge colored clothes. You weren't already in the ice room before that.
This hat is advertised for the Guild Show. Come check it out. It is amazing by the way. Are those condoms Brandon? Yes it is condoms. Not used by the way thank god.
At least that's what we told him. Yes it was that day. Damn Brandon. Alright dude Brandon you know I just wanted the audience to get to know you a little more man. That's alright.
And Kenny you were telling me the other day about a story you had with your uncle who tried to fight you. Oh my god yes. This was the first time I ever got high. It was weird. It was weird. He was like we were doing it and we were having a good time.
He was like hey man you know what? I can kick your ass. I was like what? What are you talking about? He was like yeah man you don't know it but you can. I know you do some animation but I can get up and come to you and kick your ass. I was like what the fuck are you talking about? I need to get my fit bit up.
That didn't make any sense to me. It got weird because like after that happened he was like alright let's go to Davey Buster's and go on a ride. I'm going to have VR in there. Was the VR his top Brandon? Thank god it wasn't man. It was Terminator and Jurassic Park. Oh that's pretty sad.
And I need another three edition but you know they were past it. Maybe good. And VR back there dude. Oh hell yeah man. Hey I want to know about the first time you purchased a pocket bus. Oh my god. Did you say the first time? Yes.
So I was like I'm about 16. Me and my bro we were like we got to do something man. We got to get out there to make life better. So what we did was we decided to go to Spencer's. We were looking back there to see what was there and it was a football. A DP football. Both hands.
And we went in there. So I was looking at it and I was like this is the only one. And he was like yeah man so you ever use this? You recommend it? And the dude was looking at it so weird. Yeah I recommend it.
Then after like five tries we realized or by the way he was separate. We realized we weren't using it right. You were supposed to take it out of the football. So you were banging it inside the football. Yeah it was inside the football. And it was uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.
I got a question though. Did you hold it by the laces? Yes. I thought that's what that was for man. That makes for groups and shit but no. You were made dude. No man it was weird. It was weird yeah. I have a clarifying question. So at the beginning of the story you said there was only one. Yes. No there was two.
You know what the worst experience about this was. I didn't know how to drive yet. So me and my friend man we were like hey mom we going to the malls. We on a family trip and nobody knows. Yeah man I touched down that bitch in the barber stand.
How long ago did you throw that out? About a year later. Yeah it was like every guy in the town was hoping nobody would get that Nickelodeon slime and boom. Oh man dude you put some fucking miles on that thing. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And why was your semen green?
Metaphor. What about growing up man? Did you have any fun experiences in school growing up? I had a lot of experiences. I had one weird experience once that was weird. This is when I realized that I may have been a little bit off since it was a family.
So that was a kid that went up to me and he said hey man you going to be my friend? I said yeah man I'll be your friend. Let's do it. He said hey man let's get on the Bucky bar because you know I could hold on to that thing. He was like yeah I'll hold on to you right?
So he held on to me and when we got halfway in boom he slammed me in my back. And I said what the fuck was that about? He was like oh I didn't mean to do that. I was like alright man don't do that again. So then we did it again.
And then he does it again. And then I'm like yo what happened? He said I slipped. And I'm like well don't slip again. And then we did it again. Then we did it two more times until I couldn't get up.
Then I went home and watched the bootleg Iron Man 2 eating some soup that I didn't want to eat. What kind of soup? Chicken noodle soup. Now what's the defined quality about the guy that did this?
What's the defined quality? He's Miami now man. I don't like him. I don't know. I've never seen the dude again and I feel like there was something wrong mentally. I don't know. It's weird. He goes boom boom boom.
I don't know. I used to feel bad after when the dude can't get up because everybody was surrounding me like a movie.
So he did it to you four times and he's the one who did it? Five.
Five times. It's a lot of times. He just kept going. I know I should have done it. Kick it boom again. I know but I was a very trusted man back then.
So if you guys don't watch Spock guys you don't know that Brandon is kind of a magnet for child predators. He is. He is.
How many times have you almost got an annual pantry?
I don't know if they participate in that. It's probably about 10 suspicious times. 10. I'm like that's a little weird. And then I know what's going to be like. That's a little weird. I don't know.
Can I open it up a little bit and ask how much time you've done? Dillis versus Angle Penetrate. That's a little specific.
Almost. Bad shit goes down without actual aim.
So how about you tell us about times you almost got kidnapped?
Let me think of one.
Okay so I remember I was in the next room.
You know back in the day I was a kid.
And this was when we were at Kroger's right. My mom was just shopping over here. I was like hey man come over here and get some candy.
And you know that's a red flag for like young kids. Me I just went right over there. I was like hey man what is this? It looks like a mitt. And it had a green thing in the middle of it.
And I just looked right past it. And I was going to eat it and my mom smacked it out my hand. I said I know you eat stuff. You want to be asked to go to the truck. And I said I want to fuck him up.
That's four or five years old.
And once I was fat I would probably roll it off.
You kicked me over the best. Look at me again.
Show me where on this wooden cock you touched me.
Audience are you ready to get up?
Hey audience raise your hand if you have no idea about the Time College podcast.
Now seriously and this is not a banter because I'm trying to promote it. If you're unaware you need to go to YouTube and subscribe to the Clown College Comedy Podcast.
They do a fantastic job. They're super maintaining and they have a lot of really cool guests. Like me.
We like to highlight all the comedians and all the goons.
Are you guys ready for some stand up comedy?
We have one of the best stand up comedy in the house. He's not the best because he's number two.
We have one of the best stand up comics in the house. Everybody get it going for the great Zypah.
You hold that one. Don't build that up for me.
Huntsville!
I can see all of you. I can get louder than that. I said Huntsville!
Act like you got a little drear apartment in your city now.
How are you all doing?
I'm doing great myself. Just got back into town. I was on vacation. Brother went to the Caribbean.
It was amazing not being the only black guy around.
But also it was terrible being the worst looking black guy around.
They were like, you and your lobster shit. I was like, come on son. I'm from America.
While I was at the beach I realized I need to lose some weight.
I don't think I'm unattractive or anything. I know a lot of women like this chocolate teddy bear figure.
But I want to lose some weight so I can get a little more confidence.
I have confidence but I want ridiculous confidence. Unrealistic male confidence.
You know what I mean? She knows what I mean. Women know what I mean.
It's that unrealistic male confidence that makes a guy pull up to you at a gas station in a 99 hundred cord.
Like, hey baby, how you doing? Better than you motherfucker.
That kind of confidence. Any married women in here?
Okay, you know what kind of confidence I'm talking about.
It's that crazy male confidence that makes your husband go, hey baby, why don't you go put on some of that sexy lingerie I like.
Even though he's got those boxers with the holes all in it. His balls keep falling out.
He's like, why don't you throw them away? He's like, nah, I got to take a little more years to get this banged.
Women, y'all have confidence like that too sometimes. Every time you're on for a hand job.
All the women are like, no, I don't like him no more. I see all of yous like, he ain't lying.
I'm just saying, every time I've ever gotten a hand job from a woman, I've always turned into like a bristle factory worker.
You know, cause everyone's like, mmm, you like that? Tell me I'm the best. I'm like, give me that goddamn thing, girl.
I've been stroking his dick since I was 12 years old, okay? I'm 32 now. That's 20 years on the goddamn job.
You think you're gonna come in here in one night and do it better than me?
Now let me show you how to get it done. They tell you not to do it this way, but this is what I want.
Oh man. I found out a couple of things about myself. I found out that I am a good, what's the word, cunnilingus skimmer?
You guys hear that? Cunnilingus. It's pussy for you uneducated motherfuckers to send me back.
I found out I'm good at this because I had a prick in my neck from a girl washing up and would not let go.
Any guys in here good at eating cooch? I was looking at the band of bros in the back right here.
The dude in the yellow, the Nordic Viking with the good smile. What's your name, bro?
Why are you looking around? It's you. He's like, oh man, who are you, you little dick motherfucker?
Eli. Eli? Yeah, he said, huh, it's Eli. That boy is far stronger than eating cooch.
She's like, you want me to lay on the bed? He's like, get on these chokers.
I don't have bitch press 455 for nothing.
Eli, when you eat cooch, how do you do a music book? If she's not ready to show this.
I don't know how to answer it. You don't know how to answer it? Alright, I'll help you.
I know there's two ways to eat cooch. Let's use this person.
Alright, so let's say that girl is laying there, alright?
Eli, when you see a little one laying there, do you eat coochie like, I don't know, a lion drinking water out of the San Danny?
You sit on all fours and kind of just dip your head down and get to go? Or are you like me?
I'm a Navy SEAL kind of guy. Like SEAL Team Six, I get down and I crawl in.
And I turn and I say, bro, give me that goddamn taco.
Eli, I know you say to yourself, ugh, you want a little dude that like to call pussy tacos?
Yeah, I ain't one of those dudes that like to call pussy tacos because I eat them like tacos, Eli.
I turn my head to the side. I put my hand here for the drippings.
That dude back there is like, ugh, bro, why is he dripping? Because I'm doing it right. That's right.
Alright? Every now and then I kick my legs up. She usually tells me to get out at that point.
Oh, man. You guys are fun. Isn't this podcast fun?
I'm having a great time.
Any kinky motherfuckers out there?
Lying. The real kinky motherfuckers are quiet.
I have a kink and it's not hard for me to get a girlfriend because of my kink.
My kink is long over an SCU.
Y'all heard about it?
I love it because it's just so easy to turn me on with it. If I come home, there's police crime tape all over the place.
I'm like, oh, God, I know what happened.
And then when I come in, I just hear that sexy ass song playing. You know the song.
Like, what the fuck did I do?
I see you in the corner holding a picture of a vagina.
I'm like, have you seen this clip? Have you seen this clip? I'm like, I don't know, man.
Maybe if you wasn't wearing that hood, I can get a good look at it.
Eli, you understand why the clips are in the hood?
No? Eli's not good at eating pussy.
I'll teach you later, Eli. I want to teach you better. I'll show you pictures.
But nothing's better than at the very end, Eli, because when you have a kink like this, choking is always involved.
My girl's like, choke me. I'm like, okay.
And when you choke, you've got to have a safe word because I can't breathe.
She's like, ah, ah, ah.
And I'm like, aw, shit, save the safe word, baby. Save the safe word.
She's like, ah, ah, ah, ah.
In a criminal justice system, she's like, I'm going to get an extreme sentence.
She never gets it all the way out, and she always ends up passing out.
But I'm not a perv. I wake her up.
And when she's like, where am I? I'm like Huntsville, Alabama, Friday night, 7 p.m.
She's like, what? And then I just turn on her head like, dong, dong.
And that's usually how it happens.
My name is Safa. Thank you guys so much.
Hold on, let me get my 40 back from this guy.
You didn't feel like talking about it. Show up late and run the light.
I'm not going to say what color he is, but.
Okay, since we're getting into that, I just want to say, when I first met these three dudes,
I thought this was the most diverse podcast in the world.
I thought a racist, a brain damaged kid, and a Middle Eastern guy.
Getting together.
Turns out, he's not Middle Eastern. He's half black, half white.
He's not racist. He just has one of those kinds of faces.
And he's just a victim.
Okay, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
I haven't seen him in a while, obviously.
I'm not going to lie, man. Dude, I'd love your advice on what you're doing down there, but I'm still listening.
I'm holding the class, man. I'm holding the class.
I can't keep you holding the class. It's in the video.
Syfy, you know I love you, man. I love you. I fucking love you.
I love Syfy so much, I got a sticker on my phone, right? I'm not fucking lying to you guys.
Syfy, that's called the light. I know I stopped and it comes on, man.
I tried. I'm sorry.
Unbelievable. And I got some beef with you, dude. What's up?
I heard you talking shit about our podcast.
Oh, yeah. I did talk about our setup.
And our studio is shit, man. It is.
$1400 a month apartment issue, man.
First off, it's a small ass room. And you never had your socks or shoes on, so it smells like pre-old porn shows, man.
There's sloys and cigarettes and blunt roaches everywhere. It's terrible.
Okay, dude, if you wipe away the cigarette ashes off the fucking table, it's a really nice, homely place.
It's cozy. I know it's cozy. I crash on Dom's couch whether I asked him to or not.
But y'all just have to understand what he was comparing it to.
Oh, yeah. If you guys don't know, there's a beautiful podcast studio up here. It's called Jester at Studio Jester.
Studio Jester. It's beautiful. So much better than the piece of shit we recorded.
You would think that Kim produces your podcast.
Oh, yeah, that's true. I also have a podcast produced by Kyle and College, and we record in that shitty room.
You should check it out. Kyle and College podcast on YouTube.
It's called The Bryce and Syfy Show.
You!
Yeah, he likes it. Don't watch it, it fucking sucks.
But if you only hear Syfy talking shit originally, go to Studio Jester and subscribe.
Hell yeah, it's a great one. Review movies of your past.
Ah, fuck you, though. I love your plan. I love you.
You know it's getting hot outside. You put your hat on?
Uh-huh.
New outfit?
Oh, you have a big boy conversation with all these young people?
I want to make sure you're fresh.
I'm always fresh, motherfucker.
I put the odorant on my tank.
Oh, that's new.
Yeah, that's a new one. If none of you guys have tried that, try it.
You don't have a ball wax in you.
No. Don't sow that ball wax shit.
Everybody knows what ball wax is.
Raise your hand if you've ever heard of ball wax.
Let me think.
Okay, you've only heard of ball wax because Brandon's your fiance.
I know you've heard of ball wax. You need medical help.
Now, I know that my overweight teenage son has ball, like, powder. Does that-
No, no. Don, how much do you tell people ball wax is?
So, some people call it ball cheese, but really it's not like a wax.
This is what happens. What you want to do is not take a shower for two or three days.
And you get the buildup in the crevices. I wish I knew that.
And then when you wipe, it feels more like a wax.
Eww.
And it smells intoxicating.
Are you intoxicated?
Okay.
A little TMI, but let me tell you something.
I shaved my pubes completely one day, and then I was like, I ain't doing this shit again.
And I was a little itchy, so I was scratching it down. I was like, oh, you checking for ball wax?
I was like, what? And then he told me that weird shit, and I was like, no, you can't be serious.
He goes, no, no, no. You just go down there every night, man. Get a little smell. It's amazing.
And then every single weekend I saw him after that, he would be like, try to get some ball wax.
And he would open it up. Open it up. You don't need fix paper or anything.
I would like to thank all four of you for confirming one on lesbian.
I don't agree with these fucking citizens. I'm not on board with this. And nobody else is either.
Okay, first off, I don't have ball wax, okay? I wash my nuts.
Allegedly.
Allegedly, I'm Paul the Clean. Don is the one.
It's just when I'm in the house for two days and I don't shower.
So every weekend, Dom is building a house of wax.
Madam Cheatsaw is in there.
Y'all both need to stock up on talcum powder, man. Y'all got that Olympic Olympics coming up, dude.
Oh, yeah. You can't have take-away.
Okay, quick question. I know I look like T-Pain, and shit just didn't go right.
If I fell in love with that stripper and she took all my money.
And I know that Dom looks like DJ Khaled and he lost another one.
But who do y'all think can run faster, he or I?
Y'all? Dom.
Y'all can go fuck everybody.
Shoot your souls in the beach. Fuck all of them.
Fuck all of them, Dom.
I already beat you.
In what?
A race.
You beat that dumb motherfucker. And I'm not gonna lie. And I mean that with nothing but love.
Okay, real shit.
Y'all, if you watch their podcast, there is an episode where Dom races Brandon.
And Brandon has the worst running form I have ever seen.
I mean, there are crippled children. People probably run better than this.
Brandon's initial start, he gets up, stands up straight and then whips his back like this.
And then he falls to try to get on his face on the parking lot in front of a bar called Shag Nasty's.
The least athletic black man ever.
What kind of footwear were they wearing?
Brandon was wearing sneakers.
He was wearing some kind of combat boots.
Yeah, they were hiking boots.
And yeah, I remember, I don't know why I didn't look at their weird shadow boxing wrestling stance and slipped.
And then I went and did a whole four-roll, fell in the concrete, scared everybody.
But I hopped up like a pro. I don't know.
I wouldn't say like a pro.
Pros don't fall when they're running, man.
This is the most first-grade conversation I've ever had.
It's not like I can run faster than you.
We're gonna have a rematch, though.
We gotta keep this show on the road. Everybody give it up for Sapphire right now.
Y'all make some more noise for these dudes.
I'm so proud of them for this fucking podcast.
Yeah, boy, something that's so special and that's so many reasons to be here.
Make sure you go watch, subscribe, all that good shit.
I love y'all.
Thanks, Sweet Cheese.
Alright, so this is the intermission.
Go out there.
Hold up. I need to tell them something before you just...
My bad, my bad.
First of all, give it up again for the fun, fun, and the fun in the community.
Raise your hand if tonight is your first time ever at Shenanigans.
Hey, welcome to here.
We're super glad you're here.
Here's the thing.
We are a 501C3 non-profit organization.
And the bottom line is we're broker-shipped.
So, two things.
Number one, everybody that will serve you tonight is a volunteer.
So, please be nice and tip heavily because we give them the tips.
That's all we can pay.
Secondly, because we're broke, we're doing a fundraiser.
And if you come see me at intermission, we have created some Shenanigans scratch-off tickets
where you can win food prizes, swag, all that kind of stuff.
We have two different kinds of tickets now.
So, the one on the left is scratch to win and you either win or you don't.
You have a 50-50 chance, literally, 50-50 chance of winning something.
You either get a frowny face, a depression, or you get a broken one.
Then, on the right-hand side, we have a new kind we call it scratch three.
Every ticket is a winner.
There are three different prizes you can win on every single ticket.
But, here's the catch.
You can only scratch three circles and all three have to match.
So, if you're good at, you know, intuitively guessing which three are going to match,
then you're going to have to kill it on that one.
So, the ones on the left are $2 each, six for ten or 13 for 20.
And then, the scratch threes are $3 each or two for five.
I take VIMO Cash App, debit card, and cash.
So, please see me in the lobby if you would like to support Shenanigans.
Otherwise, it is indeed, like Ron said, intermission.
And we're going to take about ten minutes and then we'll see you back after that.
You have a great time.
I have one last thing to say, y'all.
If you want to come to the second half, put your name in the Big Daddy Chalice.
You can come up here and do stand-up comedy.
And we will judge you very harshly.
Just kidding.
We will judge you and then you can pile us in the fence.
Go.
And you'll do two minutes of stand-up and then they're going to interview you for four minutes, right?
And then you get to pile the one of your choice.
All right.
So, right now, ten minutes.
If you want to put your name in the bucket and smile, we're in there.
CJJ, I'd love you to see you back in about ten minutes.
Yeah.
And now, to the second half of the show.
Can we get around and follow us to that first half?
Yeah.
All right.
And now, it is a very special time.
And y'all, I apologize.
I'm trying to get the lights right here.
Sorry.
That's not it.
Hey, there it is.
Yeah.
Give it up for the one and only Dan Price.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, Clown College Podcast.
Let's get down to it.
This is the Moontrap News Report.
I'm Dan Price.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average hit 40,000 this week for the first time in history.
But if you're here tonight, that means nothing to you.
Released this week, OpenAI's Jack GPT-40 has stunned industry experts with realistic voice that can laugh, sing,
and deploy vocal signals like sarcasm.
It emits real human emotions.
So in terms of human development, it's already surpassed most podcasters.
In another related story, OpenAI announced they are considering allowing users to create AI-generated pornography.
So sharpen your query skills, and all this could soon be yours.
The popular women-friendly dating app Bumble has gone on the defensive after its latest ad campaign sparked sharp criticism from current and former users.
Women for years have been leaving the platform in frustration over the realities of modern dating,
with some women adopting a cooling-off period from dating altogether.
Bumble's billboards in Los Angeles this week seem to taunt women with the slogan,
celibacy is not the answer.
The answer we're looking for, said men on Bumble, is anything short of a firm and sober no.
In its defense, Bumble executives said they had canceled other slogans, including,
Bumble, if you loved me, you would.
Bumble, I leave for boot camp in the morning.
And Bumble, it won't go down unless you touch it.
A massive street art installation called The Portal, which connected the city streets of New York and Dublin with a live 24-7 video link,
was shut down this week after a wave of inappropriate behavior that included flashing, grinding, and swearing, or as they call it in New York, toothache.
When asked whether The Portal would reopen, the city of Dublin released a formal statement that read, go fuck yourself.
The Biden-Trump presidential debate has been agreed to and a date set for June 27th.
So mark your calendars, June 28th is the day we all stop talking to our parents.
And now it's time for Apocalypse Watch 2024, sponsored by Mountain Dew Baja Blast and its blasts of natural and artificial tropical lime flavor.
The leaders of Gog and Vagag pledged their unholy allegiance to each other this week in fulfillment of a 2,000-year-old prophecy.
After enjoying tea, snacks, and long walks in the park, Presidents Boone and She agreed to share financial support, space-based resources, and nuclear technology.
They then consummated the agreement with a nine-minute ritual called Standing Missionary Congress of the Lotus.
A Canadian farmer discovered a six-foot-long, 90-pound piece of space debris in his field recently, and experts this week identified it as part of a SpaceX rocket.
It had all the telltale signs of an Elon Musk product that was mysterious, unwanted, and potentially lethal to pedestrians.
The farmer said he has already called Musk to say he's sorry for all the hope.
In professional golf news today, the world's leading player, Scottie Shepard, had a chaotic morning after he ignored police instructions and tried to drive around the scene of a fatal car accident while an officer plumbed to the side of his vehicle.
This is true. Shepard was arrested, taken away in handcuffs, booked in a Louisville jail, charged with second-degree assault of a police officer, issued an orange junk suit, and then released on his own recognizance,
driven back to the Valhalla Golf Club, and escorted to the tent hole where cheering fans waited for him.
It's pretty good to be a PGA son.
Oh, in other news, 23-year-old senior airman Robert Forson was home alone this week when he was shot six times and killed in his own apartment by a Florida sheriff's deputy for the crime of opening his front door while being black.
It's not a farewell.
That will do it for tonight's noon time. This has been my man, Stan Price.
Welcome back to the stage, our host for tonight's podcast, Dom, JJ, and Brandon.
Thank you, Dan.
Give it up for Dan Price, everybody.
Give it up for the strong one.
I love you guys.
Guys, now it's time for you guys to get involved, alright?
We're going to do our bucket pulls for the audience spots. You get two minutes to stand up and then we're going to interview you.
Are you guys ready?
Yeah!
Are you a fan of drum roll?
Yeah!
While he's pulling that out, so if you get your bucket pull, you will have a green light for the first minute and a half, then it will turn to a yellow light, and then it will turn to a red light. Tell them what happens with the red light.
If you run the red light for 10 seconds, you're going to see this little minion over here.
Sure.
Come and take you off the stage.
By force.
Yes.
I'm not wearing nothing under this.
Alright guys, I put out our first name. Please give a warm welcome to Keenan Worthington.
Alright, look at that. Thank you.
I am wearing these because I am hungover, you guys.
But it feels rude, so I'll take them off.
Alright, let's get started, dude.
It's hard to drink here. There's no liquor. But that's okay. I brought my fucking own, dude.
Alright, here we go, dude.
Sorry, Keenan, it's absence. You guys don't have that.
Alright.
I'm just kidding. It's antifreeze.
We're having fun, dude.
Let's get serious, though.
It's been hard, you know, doing comedy since the pandemic. Things are starting to look good.
You know. The pandemic was just hard, you guys.
I cheated on my girlfriend. I thought we were going to die, dude.
Jokes on her, though. She only got with me because I'm tall. She thought I was packing.
Nope.
All balls, dude.
That sounded insensitive. Let's get sensitive.
When you guys search porn, do you ever just type in love?
Is that what you guys want to ask?
Not me, dude. Yeah, dude.
What?
Hell yeah. Game trains for me, dude.
Alright, that's me. Thank you, guys.
You can go off of P and K.
Thank you, dude. I would say that game trains are a form of love.
So, does the kid look like he was an extra in the walking mess?
Damn, damn, dog.
I love you, man.
At least I'm walking.
You can curse.
He said it was all balls. He's got some balls to come out here trying to be Carrot Top with no residency.
You got me. That's my dad.
I'm the legitimate Carrot Top and Sarah Jessica Barker. That's what this is.
What about Chester the Cat on Adderall?
I'll tell you.
What was his name again?
He's got a random name.
Do you know who Jessica Sarah Parker is?
I'll tell you.
Sex in the City, the girl with the long nose, the lady.
Also known as Sarah Jessica Barker.
Whenever I told that joke once and this guy was like, oh yeah, that's funny.
But you're like, no sex in the city.
There it is.
You look like gay sex in the county, dude.
Nothing wrong with that, dude. I'm a part of it.
What's crazy to me is that not one of you dressed up for this occasion.
I got jeans on, dude.
I'll just hit you. That is the difference. I don't see you as gay as guys.
You're lost, dude.
Kevin, tell us something interesting.
About me? You can't tell, but I've been arrested seven times.
Can you give one story?
What story?
Yeah, yeah. I was in a high speed chase once.
It's true, man. I got away.
Kind of. I was in my own car, so I got away like how OJ got away.
They do it with me.
I did consider one option was to punch myself in the eye, get in the trunk, and say I got a carjacked.
What did you do to make them chase you?
I just ran away.
I go out on the street and I go, I'm gonna kill Jason.
That was a long time ago.
What was your gateway vehicle, man?
Toyota Camry, dude.
I got in here.
Who was economical?
I just outlasted them.
That's a gas problem.
Were you that vehicle that almost killed us in Chattanooga?
Brandon, don't be a good guy.
Brandon's got to bring up inside stories.
Tell them about when we all died in Chattanooga.
About shit happening.
That's probably easy to remember.
Oh yeah, I remember that part.
Yeah, that's worse.
Anything else interesting, Mark?
You banging anybody around?
No, actually, so there right now.
Thank you.
I just got out of a long term relationship and I'm just taking some time for me.
Your pitch is not going anywhere?
What?
Pitch is blue out there. Anybody hear you?
Yeah, you know, anybody's, you know, I'll tell you, I don't get nervous around women.
Attractive women.
So that's a plus.
I do get nervous around women who have their own car or house.
That is frightening.
I don't know how to compete with that.
Someone help you with that. That would be great.
Thank you guys.
Everybody take a seat.
I was wondering when you were out there in the hall.
Hi.
You said attractive women.
What do you want to fight?
Brandon.
Yeah.
In that corner.
This isn't his first 25.
Safety first.
All right, here we go.
Oh, nice.
You want a hug?
I'm going violent.
It's going right here.
He just drooled like it was going to fall.
All right, everybody give it up for your next team.
Mr. Dante Haas.
What's up, Planet College?
How are you doing?
I'm like, this is me.
So what's up, y'all?
How are y'all doing?
So I'm up on this stage.
I like to fart in other places.
And just walk away.
And watch people's reactions.
I especially like farting in escalators.
Watching couples farting with each other.
You're the one who farted.
You know, after me, instead of the stairway to heaven,
I'm going to the stairway to the sewer.
So I got one thing to say, fuck them kids.
Not like our killer.
But the reason I say fuck them kids is kids are too honest
these days.
You can be walking down the wall wearing everything.
All you hear is, mommy, look at that fat man.
Damn.
Mommy, why is his titties bigger than yours?
Shit.
My titties are big because of MacDonald's.
I say MacDonald's because of the other side.
So remember MacDonald's used to be happy.
Used to be able to see a clown.
Throwing kids in the pool.
Ball pit and everything.
Throwing balls at them.
You better not be throwing balls at kids.
But now it's like, instead of a happy meal,
you get a, you're good meal.
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.
You're good.
So any runners out there?
I hate fucking runners.
People like important running, never wearing shit.
Fuck you.
I would hate all types of runners.
Your nose is running?
Fuck you.
You're running for president?
I hate you, bitch.
I mean, Trump.
I mean, what?
All right, y'all.
I think that's my time right there.
Do you throw balls at kids?
No, I don't.
Good.
Don't.
It feels like an actor still special.
Dante, I do have one question for you then.
You know that Trump is not the president of the United States.
I want to make sure I do.
Dante, you're in the Army, right?
Yeah, I'm in the Army.
So you have a joke about piss watching.
You used to be a piss watcher, right?
Yeah.
What is the deal with that?
So in the Army, when you get promoted, you become an NCO.
And as an NCO in the military, you have to do a urinalysis.
Everybody has to do a urinalysis.
So as an NCO, you have to visually watch them during their analysis.
So basically, you have to be at the urinal, wild at hand, watch the heat coming out there.
I've never watched a record.
I haven't in the record watch.
You need to be just a little late.
That's what I definitely do.
I was in the Army, too.
You don't have to watch that.
Everybody told me we had to watch.
We can tell that with scantles, be like.
So I got to watch a whole other dude and all that.
I had one soldier.
He couldn't piss without shit.
And he's like, I don't know what the fuck to do about it.
I was like, man, you just have to be busy with that.
Dante, what's the biggest cock you've ever seen?
We all know that.
Don't act like you didn't know.
You're fucking.
I don't remember.
I don't know.
You're a mess.
You don't remember when you see one fucking unit.
Brandon, what about you?
What's the biggest dick you've ever seen, dude?
My arm.
Oh.
I was wondering what was poking me under the table.
Dante, I have a real question.
You have a joke that I love, dude.
Can you please do Jamaican Miss Fortune cookies real quick?
Please, please.
All right, y'all.
This is not Jamaican Miss Fortune cookies, y'all.
I like food.
Y'all like food?
And I like Chinese food.
Y'all like Chinese food?
Y'all know how they got fortune cookies?
I thought about making Jamaican food and making it Miss Fortune cookies.
Miss Fortune cookies written in Jamaican voice.
You want to have a good life, mom?
No, love your life, mom.
She's out of the table, mom.
Your car, mom, is getting repoed right now, mom.
The grass on the other side, it is not green.
Mom.
So the question is, who do you want to find, man?
I got to find you.
But it's okay, because I realized recently I'm kind of a pedophile.
Like I wouldn't mind kids if they were to cry and scream when I see them.
It's not good.
I've also realized recently that I don't understand guys.
You guys can excuse me.
Things will be going well.
I'll go to his house.
He has a whole katana.
And not a pair of scissors.
I don't know how I'm supposed to feed your cat.
I'm not like Dan, that's not how we do it.
I also noticed I have a habit of dating kind of the same guy I've heard of ever again.
Tall, white, passionate.
You could say my type is school shooters.
It's not really a joke, it's just something I'm working on.
I may explain all the katanas.
In high school, all my questions turned out to be gay.
Which is good for them, but do you know how devastating it was when you showed up to prom
and the guys you wanted to ask you show up with each other?
And they looked so good.
I'm sorry, thank you.
Keep your mouth closed right here.
We have the same last name as my ex-wife.
Sorry.
So you're a liar.
Hope, just start a conversation.
You are hilarious.
You're the most fair-talked person I've ever seen.
So where we used to always see you at, Moody Mondays, if you guys don't know Moody Mondays,
it's a karaoke bar.
And you have a great time when you go out.
What's your favorite karaoke song?
I like me and Bobby McGee.
Janice Joplin.
Are you going to do karaoke after this?
It's yet to be determined. I couldn't be convinced.
I'm too white for music.
I'm going to switch it up a little bit.
You date another comedian in the scene, Jake Monty.
You'll see him later.
He fucking sucks.
I'm going to make you date again.
How big is his penis?
I just want to know.
In the auctioneer joke, he said 6.5 inches.
I just want to know if that's true.
These are my people.
I shouldn't have the answer to that.
Well, you did say all your crushes turned out to be gay.
So me and Jake are fucking dead.
It's fine.
It's sufficing.
I'm a little confused by the fact that all the penis talk is coming from you, Janice.
You're confused.
Also, my girlfriend in the front row is probably really confused.
That's because you're not okay.
It happens.
I took her corneas out.
So how long have you been doing stand-up?
A couple months.
That's just to tell me.
I'm so glad you keep on coming out.
You thank this guy over here, but he's cool.
You guys are great.
I've been asking to see you guys do stand-up careers.
And I finally did it, so y'all are inspiring.
Sleep well, Sam.
See, I don't know if they dated until her katana cat.
You know, Jake actually gave me my first real katana too.
Thank you.
Thanks for warming Brandon.
Stand up, Jake.
How many days we're putting?
First week?
Thank you.
Woo!
Gosh, this here is magnificent.
Fuckin' hell.
I'm sorry, I got one.
So what's your favorite mic to go to in a hospital?
Speekey's is pretty cool.
And if you guys don't know, we have mics all week.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
The ones you talk about on Thursday.
And straight to hell.
We have two pleasures.
Oh yeah!
I have a mic too, guys.
Shag Nasty's, Tuesdays at 9pm.
There's also a mic that happens in this room.
And I've heard everything about it.
So I'm gonna say it.
Jokers Wild, hosted by Daniel Horan.
So, can you give us one?
Okay, give us something interesting about you.
I have four tarantulas.
They're cool.
You let them out?
Or are you just keeping them?
Fuck no.
No, they're like fish.
They're like fish.
That's attitude someone.
I'm pretty sure tarantulas live down there, right?
What?
That's a time release joke.
Don, can you spell tarantula?
Tarantula.
But not a chance in your hot pride though.
Tomorrow I'm gonna read all the cellulite.
No, you got it wrong.
No.
He said T-R.
Tarantula, you know.
T-A.
Tantan.
Hope you didn't want to pop your face.
I was gonna pick you, but you've already been done to a J.J.
That's okay.
J.J.
You know, it's your step alone.
You're not alone with us.
That was good boy, cool.
But we got two more guys.
Whenever I'm rumbling around in here, when you guys give me a favorite, say,
Bucket, bucket, bucket.
Bucket, bucket.
Is this the last one?
Yeah, this is the last one.
Yeah, definitely this is the last one.
Bucket, bucket, bucket, bucket, bucket.
Everybody give it up for the great Todd Funny.
Hey white people make some noise.
Hey black people make some noise.
T's and D's on this thing.
What the fuck going on in Jamaica?
This is what happens when I don't come up here no more.
This shit is weird.
I'm fat and lazy, so fuck y'all.
I'll sit out while I turn 20.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant, dick touching my butt too.
For those who don't know me, my name is Traveris.
Y'all gotta tell white people to call me Todd so y'all feel safe.
Ain't no saying you don't think I'm gonna throw up dead leaves.
I know what I look like.
And white people the other day that walk up,
Goddamnit, I love your goddamn face.
Come on, who's gonna go over and take a picture of you?
My word.
Oh man, what's going on man?
It's been a good day man.
I'm gonna get some music and I'm amazing though.
Come on, just faking these titties.
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, back out y'all.
I like my nipples playing with normal sex.
Don't judge me.
You look like you like the titties.
Don't do that.
You like, you play with the titties too, don't you?
You like, I'm not gonna lie man.
Nipples playing is fun.
Fellas of y'all fucking happened to me.
All of titties whistled.
Made my peepers get hard.
Now I like it.
I feel, that's what people say too.
Uh huh, it's really for me.
I be getting hungry and I'm trying to grow this diet.
It's no, it ain't no calories eating bullshit.
So it's nice.
Ain't no judging.
I appreciate you posting that video.
I learned a lot.
Take your time man, you go slow.
Learn from the left to the right.
Take your time.
It will hurt if you go fast.
That was the first time I ever saw a pajama.
Man.
What else y'all want to talk about?
I want to hear Crazy Stool.
Crazy Stool, what's your...
Oh, we're talking about Crazy Steve.
Yeah, that's right.
Talk about, it's a white dude named Crazy Steve here in my job.
Why is he crazy?
Because he painted my job with a machete in the back to fuck a manager up.
You said, ooh, why would you do that?
I'm going easy on my job.
You come to give us money for who?
It leaves.
Crazy Steve wanted to fight the manager because he pulled and touched your butt.
Uh, it didn't happen.
But Crazy Steve was fucking a meth head girl.
Her name is Samantha.
I work around white people.
Don't judge me.
I'm not around niggas.
It's usually shooting niggas, but now we got machetes in the back.
It's just, it's fake up with machetes in the back.
But it's going to have names.
And they don't fancy it.
They just hit people on.
Yeah.
Crazy Steve painted my job.
They called the police.
And he got Samantha pregnant.
Yeah, they're together now.
They have a meth baby right now.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
They was living in a car together.
It was crazy.
Yeah.
Is that the dude I met with the fucked up teeth?
Yeah.
He was the motherfucker somebody else met that night.
Yeah.
It's crazy stuff.
What?
No.
I almost killed him.
What happened?
Uh, he pissed me off.
People saying, Ty, you lazy.
Ty, you don't do shit.
Ty, and I feel right.
But the fuck you doing?
This is my top of the bill.
I don't know what this motherfucker.
When I get free food away, I do it because I want to.
And that's what I'm thinking.
Yeah.
That's my life.
Hell yeah, Ty.
All right.
So now it's time to get the pick.
Who?
I get to pick somebody?
If you want that.
That's who the Asian guy.
Oh yeah.
He's in the mix.
Yeah, he's in it.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the fucking boom.
Yeah.
That's the fucking boom.
Yeah.
And now it's time to sing everybody.
Yeah, if you could aim it at me.
I don't want to be a hair favor.
I appreciate it.
I loaded my own gun.
You ready?
Oh yeah.
One second.
I ain't never did this before.
Let's go.
Oh.
I don't joke when I say that.
I don't joke too much.
You don't know.
Well.
That's really cool.
I love you, Big Bag.
What's your name?
One, part-time.
Oh yeah, how could I forget the giant peach over there?
My bad.
My fucking bad.
Guys, we've made it to our final featured comedian
of the night.
Yeah, we were talking about him earlier.
Apparently, he's my gay lover.
Guys, please give a warm welcome to Mr. Jake Muncy.
Yay!
Woo!
Hell yeah, dude, I've never been this hard before.
I just want to say there's a lot of jokes that have been told tonight, but JJ, our time
together meant something to me, dude.
I'm sure you know that.
But that mean wouldn't make.
Please give it up for JJ and Dom, the brand new guys.
Hell yeah.
They're young and hungry?
Well, JJ's young, Dom's hungry.
Hell yeah, dude.
Dom told me one time we were drinking, he was like, man, when I was in the army, I had
a little bit of this.
I was like, what, dude, a meal?
God damn, dude.
I want to give another thank you.
I appreciate you guys helping out the Hustle Police Department to find pedophiles, sexual
deviants, and various degenerates that look like JJ here.
It's a real appreciate.
God damn it, dude.
Please give yourselves a big round of applause for coming out tonight.
I'll be honest, I'm just counting on I wasn't ready.
It's all good.
And I had a surgery recently, you guys.
Thank you.
And the doctor said because of the multiple groups you worked on, you should probably
wait at least a month to have sex.
I was like, that's nothing to be ashamed of.
I fucking got it.
In fact, probably tried really hard, did nothing done.
But if I get a chance, I'm going to rip all this to shit.
God damn, dude.
No, man, it was insane.
My surgery was weird because they were like, we'll schedule everything here, but you've
got to have the actual operation in Colman.
I was like, why, dude?
Are you running your races?
I was like, yeah.
So I went to Colman.
That's where it was.
And it was really weird because they shaved half my kids.
I was like, I didn't do that.
I was going to put a real damper on my date life.
I was having a hard enough time before my fucking nutsack had a fade.
It's not a good way to make a first impression, dude, unless you're like ice tea or something.
It's hard, dude, because I'm autistic and shit, but I'm still trying to fuck, you know?
And there's people other than JJ and whatnot.
I don't know, man.
It's weird, dude.
That's why I'm waiting for my big break, you know?
Love all the spectrum.
I'll run through those dizzy eyes, dude.
That's where I'm crying.
I just want to take a beautiful call home where we can do everything we make eye contact,
you know?
The worst part about having your heart broken by an autistic girl is she tends to stay behind
to count the pieces, you know?
Almost compelled to like a pixie, you know?
And if it's an odd number, she'll do all over again.
Call and get an evening.
This is my show!
No, man, I like bringing a girl home who bumps my cat out.
That's for sure.
Because I don't really have a traditional, like, well, that's not why I bumped my cat out.
That'd be weird.
But I don't have a traditional bedroom set up at the moment.
I got more of a hammock situation, you know?
If you think it's hard to get a girl to bed, it's not fucking hard to get her a hammock.
I'll tell you that, dude.
God damn it.
When she sees you fail at that running start, what?
Twice?
I don't know.
Can't make love after that, dude.
I don't know, man.
I've been a little sad recently.
My fish died.
Yeah.
I shot twice on the navigation.
They gunned it down, dude, these young thugs.
All through a bubbler and some rocks.
That's just fish here, you know?
I like to imagine, like, they saw the little treasure chest.
They were like, nice.
But then Neptune came out of the pineapple and they're like, no way!
They gunned it down, dude.
I don't know.
I survived.
We're still shooting?
We're still looking for me?
They've never found me, dude.
I'm in the ether.
My school shooting was a lot different.
It wasn't a white kid.
That's right, a total amateur.
I didn't want to be prepared, dude.
I did lose a buddy who was a nice kid and he lit up every room we walked into.
But so did the shooting.
So now we just remember, now I just remember.
I've been doing comedy for a long time now.
I do a lot of the sex shop, you know?
And sometimes when I'm struggling there, I'll look for the bottle.
I'll look for the box and try to find something to get me going.
One day I pull out a leather mask, you know, zipper mouth, Pulp Fiction edition.
I turn it over.
Child's medium, dude.
The fuck needs that?
Spelencia.
I don't know, man.
I got a buddy who likes to date older women.
I won't tell you who.
It's Alex.
I won't tell you again.
I was like, how does that work, dude?
He's like, they hit me up.
I'm like, how, man? You rewired that life over?
He's like, yeah.
I'm like, what's that message like, dude?
Help? I've fallen in love and I can't get up?
I have a buddy.
Everybody found a woman within like five miles,
pressed her life alert, Alex gets a notification when I was falling.
I was a thin guy and currently in remission.
You know?
I'm back into a boot guy.
When I feel the bumps on a woman's aerial,
I have the same reaction as a blind man getting good news.
Braille.
I met a girl recently at a county fair.
She looked a lot like JJ.
So I was down.
She was an auctioneer.
Y'all know what that is?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
She used to do the thing in her sleep.
You know, she'd go like,
Hey, we've been at 44, 45, 45.
She'd fall asleep.
I thought it was cute.
She'd do it too at other times.
I really didn't think it was cute.
I thought it was getting hard.
You know?
Because she was like,
Hey, we've been at 43, 44, 45, 55, 65, 65, 67, 77, 77, 77,
76.5, 75, sold to the man in the corner with the tiny little face mask.
Thank you guys.
Have a great weekend.
Hey, LA.
Y'all keep it going for JJ, everybody.
Y'all keep it going for JJ.
Jake is the funniest dude I know that wears loose fitting capris.
Welcome.
This is called the Adam Sandler.
So what's up, Jake?
You really don't like people more?
Nah, man.
I haven't currently, like, all the way kicked it.
They're not going to kick me in the tongue.
I think I'll get barbed in.
Essential.
Dude, essential.
Do you have a foot in the mouth guy?
Nah, man.
It's too much work on the ladies.
I wouldn't do that to them, dude.
They're supposed to be looking at me, you know?
You can keep on now.
You can make some changes like that now.
Make some changes like that.
Brandon, you need to make some changes, Mike.
They said, what's the biggest talk you ever seen?
What's the biggest one you've run from?
That's a good question.
I would have blocked that.
That's probably pretty good, dude.
I love you, too.
I love you, too, man.
I think you're kind of pretty excited, man.
Hot summer and open-toed shoes.
Oh, yeah.
It's fair game.
It's fair game, dude.
It's hunting season, you know what I'm saying?
Open-toed shoes with a bolt showing surrounding it.
He's a predator.
That's what he said.
Allegedly.
So you're Jewish?
And then someone.
I'm Jewish the same way every white woman in the state of America.
I know we all got a fucking dreamcatcher tattoo out there.
You pull in your sleeve.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.
If you drop a pin, I'll hear it, but that's about it.
It doesn't matter how far I am.
I just sense the iron like a shark in the water, dude.
So I drop a blood, and then you go, okay.
Okay.
That's cat, dude.
You don't like pennies.
You're not a big fan of Abraham Lincoln, dude.
I know that.
Oh, man.
My shit would blow his mind, dude.
Like Sixth and Peranis style, man.
Shit.
I guess.
Lincoln was a...
He was an American.
Don just pulled out a crinkle of that $5 bill.
He got his jigs about to perfect.
Oral.
I guess.
I thought Don was having a stroke.
What was he doing?
He had a meal, and you have the same haircut.
So, Thomas didn't have it.
You carried a $2 bill, and you were fucking crying for it?
That's because you can only count to two, Jake.
Don't be rude.
Don't be rude, dude.
I knew it was all law.
We'll go thrift shopping together.
We'll play that out.
I don't know.
Give me a crazy story, dude.
Give you guys a crazy story?
Besides the school shooting thing, which is real.
I thought we were just talking around for like the first six months.
So, I figured we'd do that, yo.
Yeah, dude. Every time he's swearing, like slamming his car door, I'm like, don't do that.
You know?
No, I'm kidding.
It was the only thing.
I don't know, man. Cool story.
Fuck. God damn straight.
You're a cool bitch.
Fuck, dude.
One time, I was drinking Absinthe with my cousin and the Dominican Republic dude.
And it became very clear that they were trying to rape us.
You know, like they were just giving us free drinks, you know, but they didn't realize that we were alcoholics.
So, we just kind of played them, you know?
Yeah.
Man or woman?
Huh?
Man or woman?
Oh, the dude. It was the dude.
Yeah. He was come by, giving us drinks, calling us.
He's like, my friend, he never met us dude.
But no, he kept giving us Absinthe, man.
And we got in the golf cart and they all watched us leave.
And we fucking, we made it through the woods back to the fucking like hotel.
And dude, that drive through the woods was so fucking magical on Opium.
And then the next guy's in there dude. I don't know. I can.
Like, probably should know him, but.
Oh wow, dude. You got drunk and somebody tried to sexually assault you.
What a crazy story, bro.
What a crazy story. You ever been to a frat party with those guys and shit?
You've had that happen to you.
And not a single one of them smiled.
That's how you know they have a couple of open title minds, Pindy.
I'm sorry, I've been drinking dude.
I'm gonna ask.
I'm sure I got crazy stories.
The whole world drunk, you know, I'm off coffee, I'm on heroin.
We'll see how it goes. We'll see. It's touching though.
What the hell.
It's a red light. Get the fuck off the stage.
Alright everybody, keep it going.
Jake Foxx!
Alright, so give it up one more time for everyone you've seen tonight.
By the way, in case you weren't here earlier when I said we're a non-profit, we're broken shit.
So, we're gonna take this pie in the face opportunity to do just a real quick spontaneous fundraiser.
If you will please actually entertain your thought.
My lovely wife, Jessica, where are you, Jessica?
Jessica!
Where's she go? Jessica!
Thank you everybody for coming out.
Well, it depends on what the crowd does.
We have this big old bucket. We're gonna act like this is church and pass it around.
And if we get 50 bucks, then Jessica's gonna let me throw a pie in her face.
Oh my god, sure!
Oh shit!
Who's that?
Come on, come on.
Are you crying or are you just crying?
No.
Is this some kind of weird place?
No.
Okay, who had this thing?
Okay, everybody.
Give her a pie!
I wanna thank you guys so much for coming out.
We really appreciate it. I hope you guys had a good time.