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This is the Clown College podcast. We're just a couple open micers trying to

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make our way through the scene. Where we interview comedians throughout different

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stages of their comedy career no matter if they're open micers, headliners or

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traveling comedians. I'm here too. Jamie 2.0 I just talk a lot more.

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Damn it Brandon! Go sit in the corner.

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OJJ. What dude? Brandon. Episode 28. Damn. Mane teo, Joe. That's Italian.

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Yo we just got an email. Oh from who? Dude it's the Huntsville Police Department.

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Says long time viewer first time email. They want to do a meeting with us man.

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A meeting? Yes. A fucking meeting? Yes man they found out. What?

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You don't need to know man they found out. Oh shit. Alright dude. I guess we're having a

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meeting with the fucking police department. Maybe they want to sponsor us.

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Oh yeah you're right. Maybe it's a sponsorship.

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Hey guys I want to thank you for coming in today. I know you're busy I'm busy and

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I just want to say before we get started huge fan of the podcast. I love what

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you're doing. A lot of laughs but I'm not a man who likes to laugh and frankly I

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see a lot of depressing and disturbing stuff in the line of my job. Let me

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break this down for you real quick. We've got monsters on the streets of Huntsville.

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Sexual predators is what I'm talking about. These are the worst kind of human trash.

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The mayor is concerned about it. The governor is concerned about it. Chief of

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Police is concerned about it. Let me tell you what the Chief of Police is worried

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about and what the mayor is worried about. I'm worried about it. I've got a

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promotion coming up hopefully lieutenant. It could be nice. It could be an extra

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$2,500 a year. So that's not the point. The point is this. I need help

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catching a predator. What I've noticed is there's something about your general

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demeanor, your childlike manner, your simple mind I think that is naturally

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attractive to the kinds of guys that we're trying to catch. What I

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want to propose to you fellas is sting operation. Huntsville Police has put

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together some plans and we think you could play a major part in these plans.

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Here's the deal. We've got a playbook for a bunch of different sting operations

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for sexual predators of this nature. The Russian 76, the Oklahoma Protocol, New

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Jersey Mouse Trap. Probably heard of some of these. The Tequila Sunrise, the

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Colombian dog catcher. Well in this case I think what is most appropriate is just

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traditional catfishing. We'll coordinate the online piece. He goes by Chopsticks69.

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Oh shit, I know him. I already know him. I met him on Craigslist. We play

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Pokemon together and sometimes Beyblade. What we would like to do is have you

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post up at a trap house that Huntsville Police has set up. You'll be there. We'll

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entice the sexual predator to come find you and then as soon as he engages in

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some sort of inappropriate sexual engagement with you but believing you to

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be a minor once he engages we'll have the evidence that we need to make an

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arrest and put him away for a long long time. Okay.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dom and I are Brandon's legal guardians. We legally adopted him.

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We're his power of attorney. What's in it for us? I propose $1,500 and one

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get-out-of-jail free card each. And we'll sell them to you for that

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price. You could have them. Yes. Interesting angle there. I would

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say that by policy the Huntsville Police Department, we don't buy people. Yeah,

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there are laws on the books about that. We call it human trafficking now but

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maybe we could rent him for a little bit. Yeah, that works. Okay. And also I have a

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suggestion. How about whenever he gets here to make sure he doesn't do it

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again we brand his dick. I like that idea. Brand his dick so when he shows his

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death to kids they know he's a pedophile and they can't read but they can

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recognize symbols. Exactly. That's my man right here. That's Frowny Face on the

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top. I like where your heart's at. I like where your mind's at. Okay. Now believe me

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nobody hates these guys as much as I do. Oh well. You know what? Hey listen. Since

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we're gonna get this man and we need these three safe right so let's think

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about this. This is this is this is brilliant. When we get this man you give

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him a key and whenever he opens the door or like starts something or even has

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radio it just says child predator. That's good. We all know. That's good. Wow.

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The important thing for this is that we're able to make the arrest.

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That's really what we're trying to do. That's the first step. We have to make

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the arrest. To do that we need you to be at the trap house tomorrow at 6 p.m. if

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that works for you. It worked. So what time are you gonna be there tomorrow?

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I'm gonna be there 5.50. 45. 5.45. 5.45 it's very important that you be on time at the

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address that I send you.

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Dude you know what's fucked up? What's that? Fruit loops are all different colors but

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taste the same. Oh shit. Just like us man. Just like us. Okay are you guys ready to

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go? Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Well let's go. Where's Brandon?

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Oh shit. Brandon it's 5.45 where the fuck are you? Oh yeah he told me that y'all

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just wanted me to come down here so I'm at his house. He? Who? He? He who? Yeah. Yeah.

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He told yeah yeah we're here with the guy. At Chopstick 69? Yeah Chopstick 69. I'm killing there now. Brandon he's the target. I know but he told me that y'all were cool with this. He told you? Wait where's there? You're in his house? Where are you right now? Yo I gotta go. Yeah you do gotta go. You're in there. Oh my god. You guys are on your own.

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Oh shit.

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This show is going to blow you away so I need a little bit more energy. You have a good one in that show. Okay I'll let you stay. Anyway we have an amazing line up of incredible variety of things that are going to go on but in order for all that to happen we gotta have some clowns.

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Anybody like clowns? Wow. Y'all people don't know what's going on tonight right? Alright well in any case I need you to get loud and rowdy. Welcome to the stage the gentleman from the Clown College Comedy Podcast. Y'all got it up? Yeah.

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And that is J.J. Brandon, John and the Clown College Comedy Podcast. Yeah. Hey are you guys ready for the fucking party? Welcome to the Clown College Live Podcast. What we got going on?

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Oh shit are we standing up? I'm up dude I'm up. We got a lot of performers. The one, the only, the main, this is Dave Huse. You can do it. You want me to do it? We fucking made our intro to our package. We fucking despised it so we wanted to spice it up a little bit. So we got a local white rapper.

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Hey! We're going to record our intro song. Guys this guy is hilarious. He's a great rapper. You're going to be entertained regardless. He's a fool. Give it up for Charlie Swisher!

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Clown College people let's get it going. Yeah!

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Let's all go to my college baby. It's with Brandon Williams and Dominic J.J.

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Oh man it sounds so much better not live. Thank you Charlie. Yeah of course it does. Thank you you guys. Alright let's get it going people. Yeah! Give it up for Charlie Swisher!

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Get over there Brandon. Brandon knows where he belongs. Get the hat dude. Charlie thank you for wearing your high bridge colored clothes. You weren't already in the ice room before that.

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This hat is advertised for the Guild Show. Come check it out. It is amazing by the way. Are those condoms Brandon? Yes it is condoms. Not used by the way thank god.

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At least that's what we told him. Yes it was that day. Damn Brandon. Alright dude Brandon you know I just wanted the audience to get to know you a little more man. That's alright.

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And Kenny you were telling me the other day about a story you had with your uncle who tried to fight you. Oh my god yes. This was the first time I ever got high. It was weird. It was weird. He was like we were doing it and we were having a good time.

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He was like hey man you know what? I can kick your ass. I was like what? What are you talking about? He was like yeah man you don't know it but you can. I know you do some animation but I can get up and come to you and kick your ass. I was like what the fuck are you talking about? I need to get my fit bit up.

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That didn't make any sense to me. It got weird because like after that happened he was like alright let's go to Davey Buster's and go on a ride. I'm going to have VR in there. Was the VR his top Brandon? Thank god it wasn't man. It was Terminator and Jurassic Park. Oh that's pretty sad.

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And I need another three edition but you know they were past it. Maybe good. And VR back there dude. Oh hell yeah man. Hey I want to know about the first time you purchased a pocket bus. Oh my god. Did you say the first time? Yes.

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So I was like I'm about 16. Me and my bro we were like we got to do something man. We got to get out there to make life better. So what we did was we decided to go to Spencer's. We were looking back there to see what was there and it was a football. A DP football. Both hands.

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And we went in there. So I was looking at it and I was like this is the only one. And he was like yeah man so you ever use this? You recommend it? And the dude was looking at it so weird. Yeah I recommend it.

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Then after like five tries we realized or by the way he was separate. We realized we weren't using it right. You were supposed to take it out of the football. So you were banging it inside the football. Yeah it was inside the football. And it was uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.

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I got a question though. Did you hold it by the laces? Yes. I thought that's what that was for man. That makes for groups and shit but no. You were made dude. No man it was weird. It was weird yeah. I have a clarifying question. So at the beginning of the story you said there was only one. Yes. No there was two.

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You know what the worst experience about this was. I didn't know how to drive yet. So me and my friend man we were like hey mom we going to the malls. We on a family trip and nobody knows. Yeah man I touched down that bitch in the barber stand.

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How long ago did you throw that out? About a year later. Yeah it was like every guy in the town was hoping nobody would get that Nickelodeon slime and boom. Oh man dude you put some fucking miles on that thing. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And why was your semen green?

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Metaphor. What about growing up man? Did you have any fun experiences in school growing up? I had a lot of experiences. I had one weird experience once that was weird. This is when I realized that I may have been a little bit off since it was a family.

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So that was a kid that went up to me and he said hey man you going to be my friend? I said yeah man I'll be your friend. Let's do it. He said hey man let's get on the Bucky bar because you know I could hold on to that thing. He was like yeah I'll hold on to you right?

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So he held on to me and when we got halfway in boom he slammed me in my back. And I said what the fuck was that about? He was like oh I didn't mean to do that. I was like alright man don't do that again. So then we did it again.

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And then he does it again. And then I'm like yo what happened? He said I slipped. And I'm like well don't slip again. And then we did it again. Then we did it two more times until I couldn't get up.

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Then I went home and watched the bootleg Iron Man 2 eating some soup that I didn't want to eat. What kind of soup? Chicken noodle soup. Now what's the defined quality about the guy that did this?

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What's the defined quality? He's Miami now man. I don't like him. I don't know. I've never seen the dude again and I feel like there was something wrong mentally. I don't know. It's weird. He goes boom boom boom.

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I don't know. I used to feel bad after when the dude can't get up because everybody was surrounding me like a movie.

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So he did it to you four times and he's the one who did it? Five.

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Five times. It's a lot of times. He just kept going. I know I should have done it. Kick it boom again. I know but I was a very trusted man back then.

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So if you guys don't watch Spock guys you don't know that Brandon is kind of a magnet for child predators. He is. He is.

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How many times have you almost got an annual pantry?

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I don't know if they participate in that. It's probably about 10 suspicious times. 10. I'm like that's a little weird. And then I know what's going to be like. That's a little weird. I don't know.

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Can I open it up a little bit and ask how much time you've done? Dillis versus Angle Penetrate. That's a little specific.

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Almost. Bad shit goes down without actual aim.

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So how about you tell us about times you almost got kidnapped?

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Let me think of one.

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Okay so I remember I was in the next room.

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You know back in the day I was a kid.

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And this was when we were at Kroger's right. My mom was just shopping over here. I was like hey man come over here and get some candy.

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And you know that's a red flag for like young kids. Me I just went right over there. I was like hey man what is this? It looks like a mitt. And it had a green thing in the middle of it.

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And I just looked right past it. And I was going to eat it and my mom smacked it out my hand. I said I know you eat stuff. You want to be asked to go to the truck. And I said I want to fuck him up.

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That's four or five years old.

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And once I was fat I would probably roll it off.

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You kicked me over the best. Look at me again.

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Show me where on this wooden cock you touched me.

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Audience are you ready to get up?

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Hey audience raise your hand if you have no idea about the Time College podcast.

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Now seriously and this is not a banter because I'm trying to promote it. If you're unaware you need to go to YouTube and subscribe to the Clown College Comedy Podcast.

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They do a fantastic job. They're super maintaining and they have a lot of really cool guests. Like me.

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We like to highlight all the comedians and all the goons.

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Are you guys ready for some stand up comedy?

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Are you guys ready for some stand up comedy?

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We have one of the best stand up comedy in the house. He's not the best because he's number two.

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We have one of the best stand up comics in the house. Everybody get it going for the great Zypah.

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You hold that one. Don't build that up for me.

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Huntsville!

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I can see all of you. I can get louder than that. I said Huntsville!

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Act like you got a little drear apartment in your city now.

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How are you all doing?

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I'm doing great myself. Just got back into town. I was on vacation. Brother went to the Caribbean.

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It was amazing not being the only black guy around.

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But also it was terrible being the worst looking black guy around.

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They were like, you and your lobster shit. I was like, come on son. I'm from America.

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While I was at the beach I realized I need to lose some weight.

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I don't think I'm unattractive or anything. I know a lot of women like this chocolate teddy bear figure.

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But I want to lose some weight so I can get a little more confidence.

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I have confidence but I want ridiculous confidence. Unrealistic male confidence.

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You know what I mean? She knows what I mean. Women know what I mean.

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It's that unrealistic male confidence that makes a guy pull up to you at a gas station in a 99 hundred cord.

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Like, hey baby, how you doing? Better than you motherfucker.

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That kind of confidence. Any married women in here?

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Okay, you know what kind of confidence I'm talking about.

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It's that crazy male confidence that makes your husband go, hey baby, why don't you go put on some of that sexy lingerie I like.

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Even though he's got those boxers with the holes all in it. His balls keep falling out.

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He's like, why don't you throw them away? He's like, nah, I got to take a little more years to get this banged.

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Women, y'all have confidence like that too sometimes. Every time you're on for a hand job.

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All the women are like, no, I don't like him no more. I see all of yous like, he ain't lying.

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I'm just saying, every time I've ever gotten a hand job from a woman, I've always turned into like a bristle factory worker.

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You know, cause everyone's like, mmm, you like that? Tell me I'm the best. I'm like, give me that goddamn thing, girl.

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I've been stroking his dick since I was 12 years old, okay? I'm 32 now. That's 20 years on the goddamn job.

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You think you're gonna come in here in one night and do it better than me?

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Now let me show you how to get it done. They tell you not to do it this way, but this is what I want.

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Oh man. I found out a couple of things about myself. I found out that I am a good, what's the word, cunnilingus skimmer?

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You guys hear that? Cunnilingus. It's pussy for you uneducated motherfuckers to send me back.

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I found out I'm good at this because I had a prick in my neck from a girl washing up and would not let go.

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Any guys in here good at eating cooch? I was looking at the band of bros in the back right here.

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The dude in the yellow, the Nordic Viking with the good smile. What's your name, bro?

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Why are you looking around? It's you. He's like, oh man, who are you, you little dick motherfucker?

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Eli. Eli? Yeah, he said, huh, it's Eli. That boy is far stronger than eating cooch.

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She's like, you want me to lay on the bed? He's like, get on these chokers.

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I don't have bitch press 455 for nothing.

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Eli, when you eat cooch, how do you do a music book? If she's not ready to show this.

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I don't know how to answer it. You don't know how to answer it? Alright, I'll help you.

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I know there's two ways to eat cooch. Let's use this person.

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Alright, so let's say that girl is laying there, alright?

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Eli, when you see a little one laying there, do you eat coochie like, I don't know, a lion drinking water out of the San Danny?

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You sit on all fours and kind of just dip your head down and get to go? Or are you like me?

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I'm a Navy SEAL kind of guy. Like SEAL Team Six, I get down and I crawl in.

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And I turn and I say, bro, give me that goddamn taco.

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Eli, I know you say to yourself, ugh, you want a little dude that like to call pussy tacos?

172
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:19,280
Yeah, I ain't one of those dudes that like to call pussy tacos because I eat them like tacos, Eli.

173
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I turn my head to the side. I put my hand here for the drippings.

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That dude back there is like, ugh, bro, why is he dripping? Because I'm doing it right. That's right.

175
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Alright? Every now and then I kick my legs up. She usually tells me to get out at that point.

176
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Oh, man. You guys are fun. Isn't this podcast fun?

177
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I'm having a great time.

178
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Any kinky motherfuckers out there?

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Lying. The real kinky motherfuckers are quiet.

180
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I have a kink and it's not hard for me to get a girlfriend because of my kink.

181
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My kink is long over an SCU.

182
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Y'all heard about it?

183
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I love it because it's just so easy to turn me on with it. If I come home, there's police crime tape all over the place.

184
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I'm like, oh, God, I know what happened.

185
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And then when I come in, I just hear that sexy ass song playing. You know the song.

186
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Like, what the fuck did I do?

187
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,280
I see you in the corner holding a picture of a vagina.

188
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I'm like, have you seen this clip? Have you seen this clip? I'm like, I don't know, man.

189
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Maybe if you wasn't wearing that hood, I can get a good look at it.

190
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Eli, you understand why the clips are in the hood?

191
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No? Eli's not good at eating pussy.

192
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I'll teach you later, Eli. I want to teach you better. I'll show you pictures.

193
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But nothing's better than at the very end, Eli, because when you have a kink like this, choking is always involved.

194
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My girl's like, choke me. I'm like, okay.

195
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And when you choke, you've got to have a safe word because I can't breathe.

196
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She's like, ah, ah, ah.

197
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And I'm like, aw, shit, save the safe word, baby. Save the safe word.

198
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She's like, ah, ah, ah, ah.

199
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In a criminal justice system, she's like, I'm going to get an extreme sentence.

200
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She never gets it all the way out, and she always ends up passing out.

201
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But I'm not a perv. I wake her up.

202
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And when she's like, where am I? I'm like Huntsville, Alabama, Friday night, 7 p.m.

203
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She's like, what? And then I just turn on her head like, dong, dong.

204
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And that's usually how it happens.

205
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My name is Safa. Thank you guys so much.

206
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Hold on, let me get my 40 back from this guy.

207
00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:01,280
You didn't feel like talking about it. Show up late and run the light.

208
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I'm not going to say what color he is, but.

209
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Okay, since we're getting into that, I just want to say, when I first met these three dudes,

210
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I thought this was the most diverse podcast in the world.

211
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I thought a racist, a brain damaged kid, and a Middle Eastern guy.

212
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Getting together.

213
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Turns out, he's not Middle Eastern. He's half black, half white.

214
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He's not racist. He just has one of those kinds of faces.

215
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And he's just a victim.

216
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Okay, I'm sorry. Go ahead.

217
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:39,280
I haven't seen him in a while, obviously.

218
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I'm not going to lie, man. Dude, I'd love your advice on what you're doing down there, but I'm still listening.

219
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:48,280
I'm holding the class, man. I'm holding the class.

220
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I can't keep you holding the class. It's in the video.

221
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Syfy, you know I love you, man. I love you. I fucking love you.

222
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:59,280
I love Syfy so much, I got a sticker on my phone, right? I'm not fucking lying to you guys.

223
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:04,280
Syfy, that's called the light. I know I stopped and it comes on, man.

224
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,280
I tried. I'm sorry.

225
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:09,280
Unbelievable. And I got some beef with you, dude. What's up?

226
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,280
I heard you talking shit about our podcast.

227
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,280
Oh, yeah. I did talk about our setup.

228
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,280
And our studio is shit, man. It is.

229
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:21,280
$1400 a month apartment issue, man.

230
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:30,280
First off, it's a small ass room. And you never had your socks or shoes on, so it smells like pre-old porn shows, man.

231
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:34,280
There's sloys and cigarettes and blunt roaches everywhere. It's terrible.

232
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:40,280
Okay, dude, if you wipe away the cigarette ashes off the fucking table, it's a really nice, homely place.

233
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It's cozy. I know it's cozy. I crash on Dom's couch whether I asked him to or not.

234
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But y'all just have to understand what he was comparing it to.

235
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Oh, yeah. If you guys don't know, there's a beautiful podcast studio up here. It's called Jester at Studio Jester.

236
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:06,280
Studio Jester. It's beautiful. So much better than the piece of shit we recorded.

237
00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:10,280
You would think that Kim produces your podcast.

238
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:16,280
Oh, yeah, that's true. I also have a podcast produced by Kyle and College, and we record in that shitty room.

239
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You should check it out. Kyle and College podcast on YouTube.

240
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It's called The Bryce and Syfy Show.

241
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You!

242
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:28,280
Yeah, he likes it. Don't watch it, it fucking sucks.

243
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:32,280
But if you only hear Syfy talking shit originally, go to Studio Jester and subscribe.

244
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:37,280
Hell yeah, it's a great one. Review movies of your past.

245
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:41,280
Ah, fuck you, though. I love your plan. I love you.

246
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:43,280
You know it's getting hot outside. You put your hat on?

247
00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:44,280
Uh-huh.

248
00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:45,280
New outfit?

249
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:48,280
Oh, you have a big boy conversation with all these young people?

250
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:49,280
I want to make sure you're fresh.

251
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,280
I'm always fresh, motherfucker.

252
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,280
I put the odorant on my tank.

253
00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:54,280
Oh, that's new.

254
00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:57,280
Yeah, that's a new one. If none of you guys have tried that, try it.

255
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,280
You don't have a ball wax in you.

256
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:02,280
No. Don't sow that ball wax shit.

257
00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:04,280
Everybody knows what ball wax is.

258
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:07,280
Raise your hand if you've ever heard of ball wax.

259
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:08,280
Let me think.

260
00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:13,280
Okay, you've only heard of ball wax because Brandon's your fiance.

261
00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:17,280
I know you've heard of ball wax. You need medical help.

262
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:22,280
Now, I know that my overweight teenage son has ball, like, powder. Does that-

263
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:26,280
No, no. Don, how much do you tell people ball wax is?

264
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:29,280
So, some people call it ball cheese, but really it's not like a wax.

265
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This is what happens. What you want to do is not take a shower for two or three days.

266
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And you get the buildup in the crevices. I wish I knew that.

267
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And then when you wipe, it feels more like a wax.

268
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Eww.

269
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And it smells intoxicating.

270
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Are you intoxicated?

271
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Okay.

272
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,280
A little TMI, but let me tell you something.

273
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I shaved my pubes completely one day, and then I was like, I ain't doing this shit again.

274
00:30:56,280 --> 00:31:01,280
And I was a little itchy, so I was scratching it down. I was like, oh, you checking for ball wax?

275
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:07,280
I was like, what? And then he told me that weird shit, and I was like, no, you can't be serious.

276
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:12,280
He goes, no, no, no. You just go down there every night, man. Get a little smell. It's amazing.

277
00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:19,280
And then every single weekend I saw him after that, he would be like, try to get some ball wax.

278
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:23,280
And he would open it up. Open it up. You don't need fix paper or anything.

279
00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:30,280
I would like to thank all four of you for confirming one on lesbian.

280
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:35,280
I don't agree with these fucking citizens. I'm not on board with this. And nobody else is either.

281
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:39,280
Okay, first off, I don't have ball wax, okay? I wash my nuts.

282
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,280
Allegedly.

283
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:45,280
Allegedly, I'm Paul the Clean. Don is the one.

284
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:50,280
It's just when I'm in the house for two days and I don't shower.

285
00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:55,280
So every weekend, Dom is building a house of wax.

286
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:58,280
Madam Cheatsaw is in there.

287
00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:04,280
Y'all both need to stock up on talcum powder, man. Y'all got that Olympic Olympics coming up, dude.

288
00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:06,280
Oh, yeah. You can't have take-away.

289
00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:14,280
Okay, quick question. I know I look like T-Pain, and shit just didn't go right.

290
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:17,280
If I fell in love with that stripper and she took all my money.

291
00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:23,280
And I know that Dom looks like DJ Khaled and he lost another one.

292
00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:26,280
But who do y'all think can run faster, he or I?

293
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:28,280
Y'all? Dom.

294
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:30,280
Y'all can go fuck everybody.

295
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:33,280
Shoot your souls in the beach. Fuck all of them.

296
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:34,280
Fuck all of them, Dom.

297
00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:35,280
I already beat you.

298
00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:36,280
In what?

299
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:37,280
A race.

300
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:43,280
You beat that dumb motherfucker. And I'm not gonna lie. And I mean that with nothing but love.

301
00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:47,280
Okay, real shit.

302
00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:53,280
Y'all, if you watch their podcast, there is an episode where Dom races Brandon.

303
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:58,280
And Brandon has the worst running form I have ever seen.

304
00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:02,280
I mean, there are crippled children. People probably run better than this.

305
00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:09,280
Brandon's initial start, he gets up, stands up straight and then whips his back like this.

306
00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:18,280
And then he falls to try to get on his face on the parking lot in front of a bar called Shag Nasty's.

307
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:22,280
The least athletic black man ever.

308
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:24,280
What kind of footwear were they wearing?

309
00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:26,280
Brandon was wearing sneakers.

310
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:29,280
He was wearing some kind of combat boots.

311
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:31,280
Yeah, they were hiking boots.

312
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:37,280
And yeah, I remember, I don't know why I didn't look at their weird shadow boxing wrestling stance and slipped.

313
00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:43,280
And then I went and did a whole four-roll, fell in the concrete, scared everybody.

314
00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,280
But I hopped up like a pro. I don't know.

315
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:47,280
I wouldn't say like a pro.

316
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:51,280
Pros don't fall when they're running, man.

317
00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:54,280
This is the most first-grade conversation I've ever had.

318
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:57,280
It's not like I can run faster than you.

319
00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:59,280
We're gonna have a rematch, though.

320
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:04,280
We gotta keep this show on the road. Everybody give it up for Sapphire right now.

321
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:08,280
Y'all make some more noise for these dudes.

322
00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:11,280
I'm so proud of them for this fucking podcast.

323
00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:16,280
Yeah, boy, something that's so special and that's so many reasons to be here.

324
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:20,280
Make sure you go watch, subscribe, all that good shit.

325
00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:21,280
I love y'all.

326
00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:23,280
Thanks, Sweet Cheese.

327
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:26,280
Alright, so this is the intermission.

328
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:27,280
Go out there.

329
00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:29,280
Hold up. I need to tell them something before you just...

330
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:30,280
My bad, my bad.

331
00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:37,280
First of all, give it up again for the fun, fun, and the fun in the community.

332
00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:42,280
Raise your hand if tonight is your first time ever at Shenanigans.

333
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:44,280
Hey, welcome to here.

334
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,280
We're super glad you're here.

335
00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:47,280
Here's the thing.

336
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,280
We are a 501C3 non-profit organization.

337
00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:52,280
And the bottom line is we're broker-shipped.

338
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:54,280
So, two things.

339
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,280
Number one, everybody that will serve you tonight is a volunteer.

340
00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:00,280
So, please be nice and tip heavily because we give them the tips.

341
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,280
That's all we can pay.

342
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:05,280
Secondly, because we're broke, we're doing a fundraiser.

343
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:12,280
And if you come see me at intermission, we have created some Shenanigans scratch-off tickets

344
00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:16,280
where you can win food prizes, swag, all that kind of stuff.

345
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,280
We have two different kinds of tickets now.

346
00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:22,280
So, the one on the left is scratch to win and you either win or you don't.

347
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:25,280
You have a 50-50 chance, literally, 50-50 chance of winning something.

348
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,280
You either get a frowny face, a depression, or you get a broken one.

349
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:32,280
Then, on the right-hand side, we have a new kind we call it scratch three.

350
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:33,280
Every ticket is a winner.

351
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:37,280
There are three different prizes you can win on every single ticket.

352
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:38,280
But, here's the catch.

353
00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:42,280
You can only scratch three circles and all three have to match.

354
00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:47,280
So, if you're good at, you know, intuitively guessing which three are going to match,

355
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:49,280
then you're going to have to kill it on that one.

356
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:54,280
So, the ones on the left are $2 each, six for ten or 13 for 20.

357
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:58,280
And then, the scratch threes are $3 each or two for five.

358
00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:02,280
I take VIMO Cash App, debit card, and cash.

359
00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:05,280
So, please see me in the lobby if you would like to support Shenanigans.

360
00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:08,280
Otherwise, it is indeed, like Ron said, intermission.

361
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:12,280
And we're going to take about ten minutes and then we'll see you back after that.

362
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:14,280
You have a great time.

363
00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:16,280
I have one last thing to say, y'all.

364
00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:20,280
If you want to come to the second half, put your name in the Big Daddy Chalice.

365
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:23,280
You can come up here and do stand-up comedy.

366
00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:25,280
And we will judge you very harshly.

367
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:26,280
Just kidding.

368
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:29,280
We will judge you and then you can pile us in the fence.

369
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:31,280
Go.

370
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:38,280
And you'll do two minutes of stand-up and then they're going to interview you for four minutes, right?

371
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:41,280
And then you get to pile the one of your choice.

372
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:42,280
All right.

373
00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:43,280
So, right now, ten minutes.

374
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:46,280
If you want to put your name in the bucket and smile, we're in there.

375
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:49,280
CJJ, I'd love you to see you back in about ten minutes.

376
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:54,280
Yeah.

377
00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:58,280
And now, to the second half of the show.

378
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,280
Can we get around and follow us to that first half?

379
00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:02,280
Yeah.

380
00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:03,280
All right.

381
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:08,280
And now, it is a very special time.

382
00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:10,280
And y'all, I apologize.

383
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:12,280
I'm trying to get the lights right here.

384
00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:14,280
Sorry.

385
00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:15,280
That's not it.

386
00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:16,280
Hey, there it is.

387
00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:17,280
Yeah.

388
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:22,280
Give it up for the one and only Dan Price.

389
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:27,280
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

390
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:29,280
Thank you, Clown College Podcast.

391
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:30,280
Let's get down to it.

392
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:32,280
This is the Moontrap News Report.

393
00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:33,280
I'm Dan Price.

394
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:38,280
The Dow Jones Industrial Average hit 40,000 this week for the first time in history.

395
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:43,280
But if you're here tonight, that means nothing to you.

396
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:52,280
Released this week, OpenAI's Jack GPT-40 has stunned industry experts with realistic voice that can laugh, sing,

397
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:55,280
and deploy vocal signals like sarcasm.

398
00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:57,280
It emits real human emotions.

399
00:37:57,280 --> 00:38:06,280
So in terms of human development, it's already surpassed most podcasters.

400
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:14,280
In another related story, OpenAI announced they are considering allowing users to create AI-generated pornography.

401
00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:23,280
So sharpen your query skills, and all this could soon be yours.

402
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:33,280
The popular women-friendly dating app Bumble has gone on the defensive after its latest ad campaign sparked sharp criticism from current and former users.

403
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:38,280
Women for years have been leaving the platform in frustration over the realities of modern dating,

404
00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:42,280
with some women adopting a cooling-off period from dating altogether.

405
00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:47,280
Bumble's billboards in Los Angeles this week seem to taunt women with the slogan,

406
00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:51,280
celibacy is not the answer.

407
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:58,280
The answer we're looking for, said men on Bumble, is anything short of a firm and sober no.

408
00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:04,280
In its defense, Bumble executives said they had canceled other slogans, including,

409
00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:07,280
Bumble, if you loved me, you would.

410
00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:11,280
Bumble, I leave for boot camp in the morning.

411
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:17,280
And Bumble, it won't go down unless you touch it.

412
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:26,280
A massive street art installation called The Portal, which connected the city streets of New York and Dublin with a live 24-7 video link,

413
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:37,280
was shut down this week after a wave of inappropriate behavior that included flashing, grinding, and swearing, or as they call it in New York, toothache.

414
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:47,280
When asked whether The Portal would reopen, the city of Dublin released a formal statement that read, go fuck yourself.

415
00:39:47,280 --> 00:39:53,280
The Biden-Trump presidential debate has been agreed to and a date set for June 27th.

416
00:39:53,280 --> 00:40:00,280
So mark your calendars, June 28th is the day we all stop talking to our parents.

417
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:10,280
And now it's time for Apocalypse Watch 2024, sponsored by Mountain Dew Baja Blast and its blasts of natural and artificial tropical lime flavor.

418
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:19,280
The leaders of Gog and Vagag pledged their unholy allegiance to each other this week in fulfillment of a 2,000-year-old prophecy.

419
00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:31,280
After enjoying tea, snacks, and long walks in the park, Presidents Boone and She agreed to share financial support, space-based resources, and nuclear technology.

420
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:42,280
They then consummated the agreement with a nine-minute ritual called Standing Missionary Congress of the Lotus.

421
00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:53,280
A Canadian farmer discovered a six-foot-long, 90-pound piece of space debris in his field recently, and experts this week identified it as part of a SpaceX rocket.

422
00:40:53,280 --> 00:41:02,280
It had all the telltale signs of an Elon Musk product that was mysterious, unwanted, and potentially lethal to pedestrians.

423
00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:08,280
The farmer said he has already called Musk to say he's sorry for all the hope.

424
00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:24,280
In professional golf news today, the world's leading player, Scottie Shepard, had a chaotic morning after he ignored police instructions and tried to drive around the scene of a fatal car accident while an officer plumbed to the side of his vehicle.

425
00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:38,280
This is true. Shepard was arrested, taken away in handcuffs, booked in a Louisville jail, charged with second-degree assault of a police officer, issued an orange junk suit, and then released on his own recognizance,

426
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:44,280
driven back to the Valhalla Golf Club, and escorted to the tent hole where cheering fans waited for him.

427
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:48,280
It's pretty good to be a PGA son.

428
00:41:48,280 --> 00:42:07,280
Oh, in other news, 23-year-old senior airman Robert Forson was home alone this week when he was shot six times and killed in his own apartment by a Florida sheriff's deputy for the crime of opening his front door while being black.

429
00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:09,280
It's not a farewell.

430
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:13,280
That will do it for tonight's noon time. This has been my man, Stan Price.

431
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:20,280
Welcome back to the stage, our host for tonight's podcast, Dom, JJ, and Brandon.

432
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:23,280
Thank you, Dan.

433
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:25,280
Give it up for Dan Price, everybody.

434
00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:28,280
Give it up for the strong one.

435
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:34,280
I love you guys.

436
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:38,280
Guys, now it's time for you guys to get involved, alright?

437
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:43,280
We're going to do our bucket pulls for the audience spots. You get two minutes to stand up and then we're going to interview you.

438
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,280
Are you guys ready?

439
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:46,280
Yeah!

440
00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:48,280
Are you a fan of drum roll?

441
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:50,280
Yeah!

442
00:42:50,280 --> 00:43:04,280
While he's pulling that out, so if you get your bucket pull, you will have a green light for the first minute and a half, then it will turn to a yellow light, and then it will turn to a red light. Tell them what happens with the red light.

443
00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:08,280
If you run the red light for 10 seconds, you're going to see this little minion over here.

444
00:43:08,280 --> 00:43:09,280
Sure.

445
00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:11,280
Come and take you off the stage.

446
00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:12,280
By force.

447
00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:13,280
Yes.

448
00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:17,280
I'm not wearing nothing under this.

449
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:38,280
Alright guys, I put out our first name. Please give a warm welcome to Keenan Worthington.

450
00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:42,280
Alright, look at that. Thank you.

451
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:47,280
I am wearing these because I am hungover, you guys.

452
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:50,280
But it feels rude, so I'll take them off.

453
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:54,280
Alright, let's get started, dude.

454
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:59,280
It's hard to drink here. There's no liquor. But that's okay. I brought my fucking own, dude.

455
00:43:59,280 --> 00:44:03,280
Alright, here we go, dude.

456
00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:09,280
Sorry, Keenan, it's absence. You guys don't have that.

457
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:11,280
Alright.

458
00:44:11,280 --> 00:44:15,280
I'm just kidding. It's antifreeze.

459
00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:19,280
We're having fun, dude.

460
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:21,280
Let's get serious, though.

461
00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:30,280
It's been hard, you know, doing comedy since the pandemic. Things are starting to look good.

462
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:34,280
You know. The pandemic was just hard, you guys.

463
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:40,280
I cheated on my girlfriend. I thought we were going to die, dude.

464
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:48,280
Jokes on her, though. She only got with me because I'm tall. She thought I was packing.

465
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:51,280
Nope.

466
00:44:51,280 --> 00:44:58,280
All balls, dude.

467
00:44:58,280 --> 00:45:02,280
That sounded insensitive. Let's get sensitive.

468
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:07,280
When you guys search porn, do you ever just type in love?

469
00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:09,280
Is that what you guys want to ask?

470
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:14,280
Not me, dude. Yeah, dude.

471
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:17,280
What?

472
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:23,280
Hell yeah. Game trains for me, dude.

473
00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:30,280
Alright, that's me. Thank you, guys.

474
00:45:30,280 --> 00:45:33,280
You can go off of P and K.

475
00:45:33,280 --> 00:45:40,280
Thank you, dude. I would say that game trains are a form of love.

476
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:48,280
So, does the kid look like he was an extra in the walking mess?

477
00:45:48,280 --> 00:45:50,280
Damn, damn, dog.

478
00:45:50,280 --> 00:45:51,280
I love you, man.

479
00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:53,280
At least I'm walking.

480
00:45:53,280 --> 00:45:57,280
You can curse.

481
00:45:57,280 --> 00:46:03,280
He said it was all balls. He's got some balls to come out here trying to be Carrot Top with no residency.

482
00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:08,280
You got me. That's my dad.

483
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:17,280
I'm the legitimate Carrot Top and Sarah Jessica Barker. That's what this is.

484
00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:20,280
What about Chester the Cat on Adderall?

485
00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:22,280
I'll tell you.

486
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:24,280
What was his name again?

487
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:28,280
He's got a random name.

488
00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:32,280
Do you know who Jessica Sarah Parker is?

489
00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:34,280
I'll tell you.

490
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:37,280
Sex in the City, the girl with the long nose, the lady.

491
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:40,280
Also known as Sarah Jessica Barker.

492
00:46:40,280 --> 00:46:45,280
Whenever I told that joke once and this guy was like, oh yeah, that's funny.

493
00:46:45,280 --> 00:46:50,280
But you're like, no sex in the city.

494
00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:52,280
There it is.

495
00:46:52,280 --> 00:47:00,280
You look like gay sex in the county, dude.

496
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:03,280
Nothing wrong with that, dude. I'm a part of it.

497
00:47:03,280 --> 00:47:08,280
What's crazy to me is that not one of you dressed up for this occasion.

498
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:12,280
I got jeans on, dude.

499
00:47:12,280 --> 00:47:18,280
I'll just hit you. That is the difference. I don't see you as gay as guys.

500
00:47:18,280 --> 00:47:23,280
You're lost, dude.

501
00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:28,280
Kevin, tell us something interesting.

502
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:36,280
About me? You can't tell, but I've been arrested seven times.

503
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:38,280
Can you give one story?

504
00:47:38,280 --> 00:47:40,280
What story?

505
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:46,280
Yeah, yeah. I was in a high speed chase once.

506
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:52,280
It's true, man. I got away.

507
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:57,280
Kind of. I was in my own car, so I got away like how OJ got away.

508
00:47:57,280 --> 00:48:02,280
They do it with me.

509
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:12,280
I did consider one option was to punch myself in the eye, get in the trunk, and say I got a carjacked.

510
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:15,280
What did you do to make them chase you?

511
00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:18,280
I just ran away.

512
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:23,280
I go out on the street and I go, I'm gonna kill Jason.

513
00:48:23,280 --> 00:48:27,280
That was a long time ago.

514
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:29,280
What was your gateway vehicle, man?

515
00:48:29,280 --> 00:48:31,280
Toyota Camry, dude.

516
00:48:31,280 --> 00:48:34,280
I got in here.

517
00:48:34,280 --> 00:48:36,280
Who was economical?

518
00:48:36,280 --> 00:48:40,280
I just outlasted them.

519
00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:42,280
That's a gas problem.

520
00:48:42,280 --> 00:48:47,280
Were you that vehicle that almost killed us in Chattanooga?

521
00:48:47,280 --> 00:48:51,280
Brandon, don't be a good guy.

522
00:48:51,280 --> 00:48:53,280
Brandon's got to bring up inside stories.

523
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:56,280
Tell them about when we all died in Chattanooga.

524
00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:59,280
About shit happening.

525
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:01,280
That's probably easy to remember.

526
00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:03,280
Oh yeah, I remember that part.

527
00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:06,280
Yeah, that's worse.

528
00:49:06,280 --> 00:49:08,280
Anything else interesting, Mark?

529
00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:10,280
You banging anybody around?

530
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:13,280
No, actually, so there right now.

531
00:49:13,280 --> 00:49:15,280
Thank you.

532
00:49:15,280 --> 00:49:20,280
I just got out of a long term relationship and I'm just taking some time for me.

533
00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:22,280
Your pitch is not going anywhere?

534
00:49:22,280 --> 00:49:23,280
What?

535
00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:25,280
Pitch is blue out there. Anybody hear you?

536
00:49:25,280 --> 00:49:33,280
Yeah, you know, anybody's, you know, I'll tell you, I don't get nervous around women.

537
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:35,280
Attractive women.

538
00:49:35,280 --> 00:49:37,280
So that's a plus.

539
00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:42,280
I do get nervous around women who have their own car or house.

540
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:44,280
That is frightening.

541
00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:47,280
I don't know how to compete with that.

542
00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:50,280
Someone help you with that. That would be great.

543
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:52,280
Thank you guys.

544
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:56,280
Everybody take a seat.

545
00:49:56,280 --> 00:50:00,280
I was wondering when you were out there in the hall.

546
00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:02,280
Hi.

547
00:50:02,280 --> 00:50:04,280
You said attractive women.

548
00:50:04,280 --> 00:50:08,280
What do you want to fight?

549
00:50:08,280 --> 00:50:10,280
Brandon.

550
00:50:10,280 --> 00:50:19,280
Yeah.

551
00:50:19,280 --> 00:50:24,280
In that corner.

552
00:50:24,280 --> 00:50:26,280
This isn't his first 25.

553
00:50:26,280 --> 00:50:42,280
Safety first.

554
00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:47,280
All right, here we go.

555
00:50:47,280 --> 00:50:53,280
Oh, nice.

556
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:57,280
You want a hug?

557
00:50:57,280 --> 00:51:02,280
I'm going violent.

558
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:04,280
It's going right here.

559
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:08,280
He just drooled like it was going to fall.

560
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:12,280
All right, everybody give it up for your next team.

561
00:51:12,280 --> 00:51:16,280
Mr. Dante Haas.

562
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:29,280
What's up, Planet College?

563
00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:31,280
How are you doing?

564
00:51:31,280 --> 00:51:34,280
I'm like, this is me.

565
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:36,280
So what's up, y'all?

566
00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:38,280
How are y'all doing?

567
00:51:38,280 --> 00:51:40,280
So I'm up on this stage.

568
00:51:40,280 --> 00:51:46,280
I like to fart in other places.

569
00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:48,280
And just walk away.

570
00:51:48,280 --> 00:51:51,280
And watch people's reactions.

571
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:54,280
I especially like farting in escalators.

572
00:51:54,280 --> 00:51:57,280
Watching couples farting with each other.

573
00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:59,280
You're the one who farted.

574
00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:01,280
You're the one who farted.

575
00:52:01,280 --> 00:52:03,280
You know, after me, instead of the stairway to heaven,

576
00:52:03,280 --> 00:52:06,280
I'm going to the stairway to the sewer.

577
00:52:06,280 --> 00:52:10,280
So I got one thing to say, fuck them kids.

578
00:52:10,280 --> 00:52:13,280
Not like our killer.

579
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:16,280
But the reason I say fuck them kids is kids are too honest

580
00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:18,280
these days.

581
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:20,280
You can be walking down the wall wearing everything.

582
00:52:20,280 --> 00:52:23,280
All you hear is, mommy, look at that fat man.

583
00:52:23,280 --> 00:52:24,280
Damn.

584
00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:26,280
Mommy, why is his titties bigger than yours?

585
00:52:26,280 --> 00:52:29,280
Shit.

586
00:52:29,280 --> 00:52:33,280
My titties are big because of MacDonald's.

587
00:52:33,280 --> 00:52:35,280
I say MacDonald's because of the other side.

588
00:52:35,280 --> 00:52:37,280
I say MacDonald's because of the other side.

589
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:40,280
So remember MacDonald's used to be happy.

590
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:42,280
Used to be able to see a clown.

591
00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:43,280
Throwing kids in the pool.

592
00:52:43,280 --> 00:52:44,280
Ball pit and everything.

593
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:45,280
Throwing balls at them.

594
00:52:45,280 --> 00:52:48,280
You better not be throwing balls at kids.

595
00:52:48,280 --> 00:52:51,280
But now it's like, instead of a happy meal,

596
00:52:51,280 --> 00:52:55,280
you get a, you're good meal.

597
00:52:55,280 --> 00:52:57,280
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

598
00:52:57,280 --> 00:53:01,280
You're good.

599
00:53:01,280 --> 00:53:04,280
So any runners out there?

600
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:05,280
I hate fucking runners.

601
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:07,280
People like important running, never wearing shit.

602
00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:08,280
Fuck you.

603
00:53:08,280 --> 00:53:10,280
I would hate all types of runners.

604
00:53:10,280 --> 00:53:12,280
Your nose is running?

605
00:53:12,280 --> 00:53:14,280
Fuck you.

606
00:53:14,280 --> 00:53:15,280
You're running for president?

607
00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:17,280
I hate you, bitch.

608
00:53:17,280 --> 00:53:18,280
I mean, Trump.

609
00:53:18,280 --> 00:53:20,280
I mean, what?

610
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:21,280
All right, y'all.

611
00:53:21,280 --> 00:53:23,280
I think that's my time right there.

612
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:34,280
Do you throw balls at kids?

613
00:53:34,280 --> 00:53:35,280
No, I don't.

614
00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:36,280
Good.

615
00:53:36,280 --> 00:53:37,280
Don't.

616
00:53:37,280 --> 00:53:43,280
It feels like an actor still special.

617
00:53:43,280 --> 00:53:45,280
Dante, I do have one question for you then.

618
00:53:45,280 --> 00:53:50,280
You know that Trump is not the president of the United States.

619
00:53:50,280 --> 00:53:55,280
I want to make sure I do.

620
00:53:55,280 --> 00:53:56,280
Dante, you're in the Army, right?

621
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:57,280
Yeah, I'm in the Army.

622
00:53:57,280 --> 00:54:00,280
So you have a joke about piss watching.

623
00:54:00,280 --> 00:54:01,280
You used to be a piss watcher, right?

624
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:02,280
Yeah.

625
00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:05,280
What is the deal with that?

626
00:54:05,280 --> 00:54:11,280
So in the Army, when you get promoted, you become an NCO.

627
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:14,280
And as an NCO in the military, you have to do a urinalysis.

628
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:16,280
Everybody has to do a urinalysis.

629
00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:21,280
So as an NCO, you have to visually watch them during their analysis.

630
00:54:21,280 --> 00:54:27,280
So basically, you have to be at the urinal, wild at hand, watch the heat coming out there.

631
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:28,280
I've never watched a record.

632
00:54:28,280 --> 00:54:30,280
I haven't in the record watch.

633
00:54:30,280 --> 00:54:32,280
You need to be just a little late.

634
00:54:32,280 --> 00:54:33,280
That's what I definitely do.

635
00:54:33,280 --> 00:54:34,280
I was in the Army, too.

636
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:35,280
You don't have to watch that.

637
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:39,280
Everybody told me we had to watch.

638
00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:42,280
We can tell that with scantles, be like.

639
00:54:42,280 --> 00:54:44,280
So I got to watch a whole other dude and all that.

640
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:46,280
I had one soldier.

641
00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:48,280
He couldn't piss without shit.

642
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:52,280
And he's like, I don't know what the fuck to do about it.

643
00:54:52,280 --> 00:54:56,280
I was like, man, you just have to be busy with that.

644
00:54:56,280 --> 00:55:00,280
Dante, what's the biggest cock you've ever seen?

645
00:55:00,280 --> 00:55:01,280
We all know that.

646
00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:03,280
Don't act like you didn't know.

647
00:55:03,280 --> 00:55:04,280
You're fucking.

648
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:06,280
I don't remember.

649
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:07,280
I don't remember.

650
00:55:07,280 --> 00:55:08,280
I don't know.

651
00:55:08,280 --> 00:55:09,280
I don't know.

652
00:55:09,280 --> 00:55:10,280
You're a mess.

653
00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:12,280
You don't remember when you see one fucking unit.

654
00:55:12,280 --> 00:55:13,280
Brandon, what about you?

655
00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:15,280
What's the biggest dick you've ever seen, dude?

656
00:55:15,280 --> 00:55:16,280
My arm.

657
00:55:16,280 --> 00:55:17,280
Oh.

658
00:55:17,280 --> 00:55:24,280
I was wondering what was poking me under the table.

659
00:55:24,280 --> 00:55:33,280
Dante, I have a real question.

660
00:55:33,280 --> 00:55:36,280
You have a joke that I love, dude.

661
00:55:36,280 --> 00:55:39,280
Can you please do Jamaican Miss Fortune cookies real quick?

662
00:55:39,280 --> 00:55:42,280
Please, please.

663
00:55:42,280 --> 00:55:43,280
All right, y'all.

664
00:55:43,280 --> 00:55:46,280
This is not Jamaican Miss Fortune cookies, y'all.

665
00:55:46,280 --> 00:55:47,280
I like food.

666
00:55:47,280 --> 00:55:49,280
Y'all like food?

667
00:55:49,280 --> 00:55:50,280
And I like Chinese food.

668
00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:52,280
Y'all like Chinese food?

669
00:55:52,280 --> 00:55:55,280
Y'all know how they got fortune cookies?

670
00:55:55,280 --> 00:56:02,280
I thought about making Jamaican food and making it Miss Fortune cookies.

671
00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:04,280
Miss Fortune cookies written in Jamaican voice.

672
00:56:04,280 --> 00:56:08,280
You want to have a good life, mom?

673
00:56:08,280 --> 00:56:12,280
No, love your life, mom.

674
00:56:12,280 --> 00:56:13,280
She's out of the table, mom.

675
00:56:13,280 --> 00:56:15,280
Your car, mom, is getting repoed right now, mom.

676
00:56:15,280 --> 00:56:19,280
The grass on the other side, it is not green.

677
00:56:19,280 --> 00:56:27,280
Mom.

678
00:56:27,280 --> 00:56:29,280
So the question is, who do you want to find, man?

679
00:56:29,280 --> 00:56:39,280
I got to find you.

680
00:56:39,280 --> 00:57:03,280
I got to find you.

681
00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:17,280
I got to find you.

682
00:57:17,280 --> 00:57:44,280
I got to find you.

683
00:57:44,280 --> 00:58:05,280
I got to find you.

684
00:58:05,280 --> 00:58:10,280
But it's okay, because I realized recently I'm kind of a pedophile.

685
00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:18,280
Like I wouldn't mind kids if they were to cry and scream when I see them.

686
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:21,280
It's not good.

687
00:58:21,280 --> 00:58:24,280
I've also realized recently that I don't understand guys.

688
00:58:25,280 --> 00:58:26,280
You guys can excuse me.

689
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:28,280
Things will be going well.

690
00:58:28,280 --> 00:58:29,280
I'll go to his house.

691
00:58:30,280 --> 00:58:32,280
He has a whole katana.

692
00:58:32,280 --> 00:58:36,280
And not a pair of scissors.

693
00:58:38,280 --> 00:58:40,280
I don't know how I'm supposed to feed your cat.

694
00:58:44,280 --> 00:58:46,280
I'm not like Dan, that's not how we do it.

695
00:58:48,280 --> 00:58:52,280
I also noticed I have a habit of dating kind of the same guy I've heard of ever again.

696
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:55,280
Tall, white, passionate.

697
00:58:56,280 --> 00:58:58,280
You could say my type is school shooters.

698
00:58:58,280 --> 00:59:03,280
It's not really a joke, it's just something I'm working on.

699
00:59:04,280 --> 00:59:06,280
I may explain all the katanas.

700
00:59:08,280 --> 00:59:12,280
In high school, all my questions turned out to be gay.

701
00:59:13,280 --> 00:59:18,280
Which is good for them, but do you know how devastating it was when you showed up to prom

702
00:59:18,280 --> 00:59:21,280
and the guys you wanted to ask you show up with each other?

703
00:59:23,280 --> 00:59:25,280
And they looked so good.

704
00:59:25,280 --> 00:59:27,280
I'm sorry, thank you.

705
00:59:33,280 --> 00:59:35,280
Keep your mouth closed right here.

706
00:59:36,280 --> 00:59:38,280
We have the same last name as my ex-wife.

707
00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:40,280
Sorry.

708
00:59:41,280 --> 00:59:42,280
So you're a liar.

709
00:59:45,280 --> 00:59:47,280
Hope, just start a conversation.

710
00:59:48,280 --> 00:59:49,280
You are hilarious.

711
00:59:49,280 --> 00:59:54,280
You're the most fair-talked person I've ever seen.

712
00:59:56,280 --> 01:00:01,280
So where we used to always see you at, Moody Mondays, if you guys don't know Moody Mondays,

713
01:00:01,280 --> 01:00:02,280
it's a karaoke bar.

714
01:00:02,280 --> 01:00:04,280
And you have a great time when you go out.

715
01:00:06,280 --> 01:00:08,280
What's your favorite karaoke song?

716
01:00:09,280 --> 01:00:10,280
I like me and Bobby McGee.

717
01:00:10,280 --> 01:00:11,280
Janice Joplin.

718
01:00:14,280 --> 01:00:16,280
Are you going to do karaoke after this?

719
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:20,280
It's yet to be determined. I couldn't be convinced.

720
01:00:22,280 --> 01:00:23,280
I'm too white for music.

721
01:00:24,280 --> 01:00:26,280
I'm going to switch it up a little bit.

722
01:00:26,280 --> 01:00:28,280
You date another comedian in the scene, Jake Monty.

723
01:00:28,280 --> 01:00:29,280
You'll see him later.

724
01:00:30,280 --> 01:00:31,280
He fucking sucks.

725
01:00:32,280 --> 01:00:34,280
I'm going to make you date again.

726
01:00:34,280 --> 01:00:35,280
How big is his penis?

727
01:00:36,280 --> 01:00:37,280
I just want to know.

728
01:00:37,280 --> 01:00:40,280
In the auctioneer joke, he said 6.5 inches.

729
01:00:40,280 --> 01:00:41,280
I just want to know if that's true.

730
01:00:42,280 --> 01:00:43,280
These are my people.

731
01:00:43,280 --> 01:00:46,280
I shouldn't have the answer to that.

732
01:00:46,280 --> 01:00:49,280
Well, you did say all your crushes turned out to be gay.

733
01:00:49,280 --> 01:00:52,280
So me and Jake are fucking dead.

734
01:00:53,280 --> 01:00:54,280
It's fine.

735
01:00:56,280 --> 01:00:57,280
It's sufficing.

736
01:00:57,280 --> 01:00:58,280
It's sufficing.

737
01:00:59,280 --> 01:01:03,280
I'm a little confused by the fact that all the penis talk is coming from you, Janice.

738
01:01:04,280 --> 01:01:05,280
You're confused.

739
01:01:05,280 --> 01:01:08,280
Also, my girlfriend in the front row is probably really confused.

740
01:01:09,280 --> 01:01:11,280
That's because you're not okay.

741
01:01:11,280 --> 01:01:12,280
It happens.

742
01:01:14,280 --> 01:01:16,280
I took her corneas out.

743
01:01:19,280 --> 01:01:21,280
So how long have you been doing stand-up?

744
01:01:22,280 --> 01:01:23,280
A couple months.

745
01:01:24,280 --> 01:01:25,280
That's just to tell me.

746
01:01:29,280 --> 01:01:31,280
I'm so glad you keep on coming out.

747
01:01:31,280 --> 01:01:33,280
You thank this guy over here, but he's cool.

748
01:01:35,280 --> 01:01:36,280
You guys are great.

749
01:01:36,280 --> 01:01:38,280
I've been asking to see you guys do stand-up careers.

750
01:01:38,280 --> 01:01:41,280
And I finally did it, so y'all are inspiring.

751
01:01:42,280 --> 01:01:43,280
Sleep well, Sam.

752
01:01:44,280 --> 01:01:47,280
See, I don't know if they dated until her katana cat.

753
01:01:50,280 --> 01:01:53,280
You know, Jake actually gave me my first real katana too.

754
01:01:54,280 --> 01:01:55,280
Thank you.

755
01:01:56,280 --> 01:01:57,280
Thank you.

756
01:01:57,280 --> 01:01:58,280
Thanks for warming Brandon.

757
01:01:58,280 --> 01:01:59,280
Stand up, Jake.

758
01:01:59,280 --> 01:02:00,280
How many days we're putting?

759
01:02:00,280 --> 01:02:01,280
First week?

760
01:02:01,280 --> 01:02:02,280
Thank you.

761
01:02:02,280 --> 01:02:03,280
Woo!

762
01:02:08,280 --> 01:02:10,280
Gosh, this here is magnificent.

763
01:02:11,280 --> 01:02:12,280
Fuckin' hell.

764
01:02:13,280 --> 01:02:14,280
I'm sorry, I got one.

765
01:02:18,280 --> 01:02:21,280
So what's your favorite mic to go to in a hospital?

766
01:02:22,280 --> 01:02:23,280
Speekey's is pretty cool.

767
01:02:23,280 --> 01:02:24,280
Speekey's is pretty cool.

768
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:26,280
And if you guys don't know, we have mics all week.

769
01:02:26,280 --> 01:02:28,280
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

770
01:02:28,280 --> 01:02:30,280
The ones you talk about on Thursday.

771
01:02:30,280 --> 01:02:31,280
And straight to hell.

772
01:02:31,280 --> 01:02:32,280
We have two pleasures.

773
01:02:32,280 --> 01:02:33,280
Oh yeah!

774
01:02:36,280 --> 01:02:38,280
I have a mic too, guys.

775
01:02:40,280 --> 01:02:43,280
Shag Nasty's, Tuesdays at 9pm.

776
01:02:43,280 --> 01:02:45,280
There's also a mic that happens in this room.

777
01:02:45,280 --> 01:02:47,280
And I've heard everything about it.

778
01:02:47,280 --> 01:02:48,280
So I'm gonna say it.

779
01:02:48,280 --> 01:02:51,280
Jokers Wild, hosted by Daniel Horan.

780
01:02:51,280 --> 01:02:53,280
So, can you give us one?

781
01:02:55,280 --> 01:02:58,280
Okay, give us something interesting about you.

782
01:02:58,280 --> 01:03:01,280
I have four tarantulas.

783
01:03:04,280 --> 01:03:05,280
They're cool.

784
01:03:07,280 --> 01:03:08,280
You let them out?

785
01:03:08,280 --> 01:03:09,280
Or are you just keeping them?

786
01:03:09,280 --> 01:03:10,280
Fuck no.

787
01:03:10,280 --> 01:03:11,280
No, they're like fish.

788
01:03:11,280 --> 01:03:12,280
They're like fish.

789
01:03:12,280 --> 01:03:14,280
That's attitude someone.

790
01:03:14,280 --> 01:03:17,280
I'm pretty sure tarantulas live down there, right?

791
01:03:17,280 --> 01:03:18,280
What?

792
01:03:20,280 --> 01:03:22,280
That's a time release joke.

793
01:03:23,280 --> 01:03:25,280
Don, can you spell tarantula?

794
01:03:25,280 --> 01:03:27,280
Tarantula.

795
01:03:27,280 --> 01:03:29,280
But not a chance in your hot pride though.

796
01:03:29,280 --> 01:03:31,280
Tomorrow I'm gonna read all the cellulite.

797
01:03:31,280 --> 01:03:33,280
No, you got it wrong.

798
01:03:33,280 --> 01:03:34,280
No.

799
01:03:34,280 --> 01:03:35,280
He said T-R.

800
01:03:35,280 --> 01:03:37,280
Tarantula, you know.

801
01:03:37,280 --> 01:03:38,280
T-A.

802
01:03:38,280 --> 01:03:39,280
T-A.

803
01:03:39,280 --> 01:03:40,280
T-A.

804
01:03:40,280 --> 01:03:41,280
Tantan.

805
01:03:43,280 --> 01:03:45,280
Hope you didn't want to pop your face.

806
01:03:46,280 --> 01:03:49,280
I was gonna pick you, but you've already been done to a J.J.

807
01:03:49,280 --> 01:03:50,280
That's okay.

808
01:03:50,280 --> 01:03:51,280
J.J.

809
01:03:51,280 --> 01:03:52,280
You know, it's your step alone.

810
01:03:52,280 --> 01:03:55,280
You're not alone with us.

811
01:04:17,280 --> 01:04:18,280
That was good boy, cool.

812
01:04:18,280 --> 01:04:20,280
But we got two more guys.

813
01:04:20,280 --> 01:04:23,280
Whenever I'm rumbling around in here, when you guys give me a favorite, say,

814
01:04:23,280 --> 01:04:26,280
Bucket, bucket, bucket.

815
01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:27,280
Bucket, bucket.

816
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:28,280
Is this the last one?

817
01:04:28,280 --> 01:04:29,280
Yeah, this is the last one.

818
01:04:29,280 --> 01:04:31,280
Yeah, definitely this is the last one.

819
01:04:31,280 --> 01:04:37,280
Bucket, bucket, bucket, bucket, bucket.

820
01:04:37,280 --> 01:04:49,280
Everybody give it up for the great Todd Funny.

821
01:04:49,280 --> 01:04:58,280
Hey white people make some noise.

822
01:04:58,280 --> 01:05:03,280
Hey black people make some noise.

823
01:05:03,280 --> 01:05:07,280
T's and D's on this thing.

824
01:05:07,280 --> 01:05:09,280
What the fuck going on in Jamaica?

825
01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:12,280
This is what happens when I don't come up here no more.

826
01:05:12,280 --> 01:05:13,280
This shit is weird.

827
01:05:13,280 --> 01:05:15,280
I'm fat and lazy, so fuck y'all.

828
01:05:15,280 --> 01:05:18,280
I'll sit out while I turn 20.

829
01:05:18,280 --> 01:05:20,280
I'm pregnant.

830
01:05:20,280 --> 01:05:25,280
I'm pregnant, dick touching my butt too.

831
01:05:25,280 --> 01:05:27,280
For those who don't know me, my name is Traveris.

832
01:05:27,280 --> 01:05:31,280
Y'all gotta tell white people to call me Todd so y'all feel safe.

833
01:05:31,280 --> 01:05:34,280
Ain't no saying you don't think I'm gonna throw up dead leaves.

834
01:05:34,280 --> 01:05:36,280
I know what I look like.

835
01:05:36,280 --> 01:05:38,280
And white people the other day that walk up,

836
01:05:38,280 --> 01:05:40,280
Goddamnit, I love your goddamn face.

837
01:05:40,280 --> 01:05:43,280
Come on, who's gonna go over and take a picture of you?

838
01:05:43,280 --> 01:05:45,280
My word.

839
01:05:45,280 --> 01:05:48,280
Oh man, what's going on man?

840
01:05:48,280 --> 01:05:49,280
It's been a good day man.

841
01:05:49,280 --> 01:05:54,280
I'm gonna get some music and I'm amazing though.

842
01:05:54,280 --> 01:05:57,280
Come on, just faking these titties.

843
01:05:57,280 --> 01:06:00,280
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, back out y'all.

844
01:06:00,280 --> 01:06:02,280
I like my nipples playing with normal sex.

845
01:06:02,280 --> 01:06:03,280
Don't judge me.

846
01:06:03,280 --> 01:06:04,280
You look like you like the titties.

847
01:06:04,280 --> 01:06:05,280
Don't do that.

848
01:06:05,280 --> 01:06:09,280
You like, you play with the titties too, don't you?

849
01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:12,280
You like, I'm not gonna lie man.

850
01:06:12,280 --> 01:06:14,280
Nipples playing is fun.

851
01:06:14,280 --> 01:06:16,280
Fellas of y'all fucking happened to me.

852
01:06:16,280 --> 01:06:18,280
All of titties whistled.

853
01:06:18,280 --> 01:06:21,280
Made my peepers get hard.

854
01:06:21,280 --> 01:06:22,280
Now I like it.

855
01:06:22,280 --> 01:06:24,280
I feel, that's what people say too.

856
01:06:24,280 --> 01:06:26,280
Uh huh, it's really for me.

857
01:06:26,280 --> 01:06:29,280
I be getting hungry and I'm trying to grow this diet.

858
01:06:29,280 --> 01:06:32,280
It's no, it ain't no calories eating bullshit.

859
01:06:32,280 --> 01:06:34,280
So it's nice.

860
01:06:34,280 --> 01:06:35,280
Ain't no judging.

861
01:06:35,280 --> 01:06:37,280
I appreciate you posting that video.

862
01:06:37,280 --> 01:06:38,280
I learned a lot.

863
01:06:38,280 --> 01:06:40,280
Take your time man, you go slow.

864
01:06:40,280 --> 01:06:41,280
Learn from the left to the right.

865
01:06:41,280 --> 01:06:42,280
Take your time.

866
01:06:42,280 --> 01:06:44,280
It will hurt if you go fast.

867
01:06:44,280 --> 01:06:48,280
That was the first time I ever saw a pajama.

868
01:06:48,280 --> 01:06:49,280
Man.

869
01:06:49,280 --> 01:06:54,280
What else y'all want to talk about?

870
01:06:54,280 --> 01:06:55,280
I want to hear Crazy Stool.

871
01:06:55,280 --> 01:06:56,280
Crazy Stool, what's your...

872
01:06:56,280 --> 01:06:59,280
Oh, we're talking about Crazy Steve.

873
01:06:59,280 --> 01:07:00,280
Yeah, that's right.

874
01:07:00,280 --> 01:07:03,280
Talk about, it's a white dude named Crazy Steve here in my job.

875
01:07:03,280 --> 01:07:04,280
Why is he crazy?

876
01:07:04,280 --> 01:07:07,280
Because he painted my job with a machete in the back to fuck a manager up.

877
01:07:07,280 --> 01:07:10,280
You said, ooh, why would you do that?

878
01:07:10,280 --> 01:07:12,280
I'm going easy on my job.

879
01:07:12,280 --> 01:07:15,280
You come to give us money for who?

880
01:07:15,280 --> 01:07:16,280
It leaves.

881
01:07:16,280 --> 01:07:20,280
Crazy Steve wanted to fight the manager because he pulled and touched your butt.

882
01:07:20,280 --> 01:07:22,280
Uh, it didn't happen.

883
01:07:22,280 --> 01:07:25,280
But Crazy Steve was fucking a meth head girl.

884
01:07:25,280 --> 01:07:27,280
Her name is Samantha.

885
01:07:27,280 --> 01:07:28,280
I work around white people.

886
01:07:28,280 --> 01:07:30,280
Don't judge me.

887
01:07:30,280 --> 01:07:31,280
I'm not around niggas.

888
01:07:31,280 --> 01:07:35,280
It's usually shooting niggas, but now we got machetes in the back.

889
01:07:35,280 --> 01:07:38,280
It's just, it's fake up with machetes in the back.

890
01:07:38,280 --> 01:07:39,280
But it's going to have names.

891
01:07:39,280 --> 01:07:40,280
And they don't fancy it.

892
01:07:40,280 --> 01:07:43,280
They just hit people on.

893
01:07:43,280 --> 01:07:44,280
Yeah.

894
01:07:44,280 --> 01:07:45,280
Crazy Steve painted my job.

895
01:07:45,280 --> 01:07:46,280
They called the police.

896
01:07:46,280 --> 01:07:49,280
And he got Samantha pregnant.

897
01:07:49,280 --> 01:07:50,280
Yeah, they're together now.

898
01:07:50,280 --> 01:07:52,280
They have a meth baby right now.

899
01:07:52,280 --> 01:07:55,280
Yeah.

900
01:07:55,280 --> 01:07:56,280
Yeah.

901
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:57,280
Oh yeah.

902
01:07:57,280 --> 01:07:58,280
Yeah.

903
01:07:58,280 --> 01:08:00,280
They was living in a car together.

904
01:08:00,280 --> 01:08:01,280
It was crazy.

905
01:08:01,280 --> 01:08:02,280
Yeah.

906
01:08:02,280 --> 01:08:04,280
Is that the dude I met with the fucked up teeth?

907
01:08:04,280 --> 01:08:05,280
Yeah.

908
01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:08,280
He was the motherfucker somebody else met that night.

909
01:08:08,280 --> 01:08:09,280
Yeah.

910
01:08:09,280 --> 01:08:10,280
Yeah.

911
01:08:10,280 --> 01:08:11,280
It's crazy stuff.

912
01:08:11,280 --> 01:08:12,280
What?

913
01:08:12,280 --> 01:08:13,280
No.

914
01:08:13,280 --> 01:08:16,280
I almost killed him.

915
01:08:16,280 --> 01:08:17,280
What happened?

916
01:08:17,280 --> 01:08:19,280
Uh, he pissed me off.

917
01:08:19,280 --> 01:08:20,280
People saying, Ty, you lazy.

918
01:08:20,280 --> 01:08:21,280
Ty, you don't do shit.

919
01:08:21,280 --> 01:08:22,280
Ty, and I feel right.

920
01:08:22,280 --> 01:08:23,280
But the fuck you doing?

921
01:08:23,280 --> 01:08:24,280
This is my top of the bill.

922
01:08:24,280 --> 01:08:25,280
I don't know what this motherfucker.

923
01:08:25,280 --> 01:08:26,280
When I get free food away, I do it because I want to.

924
01:08:26,280 --> 01:08:27,280
And that's what I'm thinking.

925
01:08:27,280 --> 01:08:28,280
Yeah.

926
01:08:28,280 --> 01:08:29,280
That's my life.

927
01:08:29,280 --> 01:08:30,280
Hell yeah, Ty.

928
01:08:30,280 --> 01:08:31,280
All right.

929
01:08:31,280 --> 01:08:32,280
So now it's time to get the pick.

930
01:08:32,280 --> 01:08:33,280
Who?

931
01:08:33,280 --> 01:08:34,280
I get to pick somebody?

932
01:08:34,280 --> 01:08:35,280
If you want that.

933
01:08:35,280 --> 01:08:36,280
That's who the Asian guy.

934
01:08:36,280 --> 01:08:37,280
Oh yeah.

935
01:08:37,280 --> 01:08:38,280
He's in the mix.

936
01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:39,280
Yeah, he's in it.

937
01:08:39,280 --> 01:08:40,280
Yeah, yeah.

938
01:08:40,280 --> 01:08:41,280
That's the fucking boom.

939
01:08:41,280 --> 01:08:42,280
Yeah.

940
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:43,280
Yeah.

941
01:08:43,280 --> 01:08:44,280
That's the fucking boom.

942
01:08:44,280 --> 01:08:45,280
That's the fucking boom.

943
01:08:45,280 --> 01:08:46,280
That's the fucking boom.

944
01:08:46,280 --> 01:08:47,280
That's the fucking boom.

945
01:08:47,280 --> 01:08:48,280
That's the fucking boom.

946
01:08:48,280 --> 01:08:49,280
That's the fucking boom.

947
01:08:49,280 --> 01:08:51,280
That's the fucking boom.

948
01:08:51,280 --> 01:08:52,280
Yeah.

949
01:08:52,280 --> 01:08:53,280
And now it's time to sing everybody.

950
01:08:53,280 --> 01:08:54,280
Yeah, if you could aim it at me.

951
01:08:54,280 --> 01:08:55,280
I don't want to be a hair favor.

952
01:08:55,280 --> 01:08:56,280
I appreciate it.

953
01:08:56,280 --> 01:08:57,280
I loaded my own gun.

954
01:08:57,280 --> 01:08:58,280
You ready?

955
01:08:58,280 --> 01:08:59,280
Oh yeah.

956
01:08:59,280 --> 01:09:00,280
One second.

957
01:09:00,280 --> 01:09:01,280
I ain't never did this before.

958
01:09:01,280 --> 01:09:02,280
Let's go.

959
01:09:02,280 --> 01:09:03,280
Oh.

960
01:09:03,280 --> 01:09:04,280
Oh.

961
01:09:04,280 --> 01:09:05,280
Oh.

962
01:09:05,280 --> 01:09:06,280
Oh.

963
01:09:06,280 --> 01:09:07,280
Oh.

964
01:09:07,280 --> 01:09:08,280
Oh.

965
01:09:08,280 --> 01:09:09,280
Oh.

966
01:09:09,280 --> 01:09:10,280
Oh.

967
01:09:10,280 --> 01:09:11,280
Oh.

968
01:09:11,280 --> 01:09:12,280
Oh.

969
01:09:12,280 --> 01:09:13,280
Oh.

970
01:09:13,280 --> 01:09:14,280
Oh.

971
01:09:14,280 --> 01:09:15,280
Oh.

972
01:09:15,280 --> 01:09:16,280
Oh.

973
01:09:16,280 --> 01:09:17,280
Oh.

974
01:09:17,280 --> 01:09:18,280
Oh.

975
01:09:18,280 --> 01:09:19,280
Oh.

976
01:09:19,280 --> 01:09:20,280
Oh.

977
01:09:20,280 --> 01:09:21,280
Oh.

978
01:09:21,280 --> 01:09:22,280
Oh.

979
01:09:22,280 --> 01:09:23,280
Oh.

980
01:09:23,280 --> 01:09:24,280
Oh.

981
01:09:24,280 --> 01:09:25,280
Oh.

982
01:09:25,280 --> 01:09:26,280
Oh.

983
01:09:26,280 --> 01:09:27,280
Oh.

984
01:09:27,280 --> 01:09:28,280
Oh.

985
01:09:28,280 --> 01:09:29,280
I don't joke when I say that.

986
01:09:29,280 --> 01:09:30,280
I don't joke when I say that.

987
01:09:30,280 --> 01:09:33,280
I don't joke too much.

988
01:09:33,280 --> 01:09:34,280
You don't know.

989
01:09:34,280 --> 01:09:35,280
Well.

990
01:09:35,280 --> 01:09:36,280
That's really cool.

991
01:09:36,280 --> 01:09:39,280
I love you, Big Bag.

992
01:09:39,280 --> 01:09:41,280
What's your name?

993
01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:42,280
One, part-time.

994
01:09:42,280 --> 01:09:46,040
Oh yeah, how could I forget the giant peach over there?

995
01:09:46,040 --> 01:09:47,360
My bad.

996
01:09:47,360 --> 01:09:48,360
My fucking bad.

997
01:09:48,360 --> 01:09:52,840
Guys, we've made it to our final featured comedian

998
01:09:52,840 --> 01:09:54,600
of the night.

999
01:09:54,600 --> 01:09:56,200
Yeah, we were talking about him earlier.

1000
01:09:56,200 --> 01:09:58,600
Apparently, he's my gay lover.

1001
01:09:58,600 --> 01:10:02,800
Guys, please give a warm welcome to Mr. Jake Muncy.

1002
01:10:02,800 --> 01:10:03,300
Yay!

1003
01:10:03,300 --> 01:10:03,800
Woo!

1004
01:10:03,800 --> 01:10:04,300
Woo!

1005
01:10:04,300 --> 01:10:04,800
Woo!

1006
01:10:04,800 --> 01:10:06,300
Woo!

1007
01:10:06,300 --> 01:10:15,280
Hell yeah, dude, I've never been this hard before.

1008
01:10:15,280 --> 01:10:21,840
I just want to say there's a lot of jokes that have been told tonight, but JJ, our time

1009
01:10:21,840 --> 01:10:23,840
together meant something to me, dude.

1010
01:10:23,840 --> 01:10:25,840
I'm sure you know that.

1011
01:10:25,840 --> 01:10:27,840
But that mean wouldn't make.

1012
01:10:27,840 --> 01:10:31,840
Please give it up for JJ and Dom, the brand new guys.

1013
01:10:31,840 --> 01:10:33,840
Hell yeah.

1014
01:10:33,840 --> 01:10:36,840
They're young and hungry?

1015
01:10:36,840 --> 01:10:38,840
Well, JJ's young, Dom's hungry.

1016
01:10:38,840 --> 01:10:40,840
Hell yeah, dude.

1017
01:10:40,840 --> 01:10:45,840
Dom told me one time we were drinking, he was like, man, when I was in the army, I had

1018
01:10:45,840 --> 01:10:47,840
a little bit of this.

1019
01:10:47,840 --> 01:10:49,840
I was like, what, dude, a meal?

1020
01:10:49,840 --> 01:10:51,840
God damn, dude.

1021
01:10:51,840 --> 01:10:53,840
I want to give another thank you.

1022
01:10:53,840 --> 01:10:57,840
I appreciate you guys helping out the Hustle Police Department to find pedophiles, sexual

1023
01:10:57,840 --> 01:11:03,840
deviants, and various degenerates that look like JJ here.

1024
01:11:03,840 --> 01:11:07,840
It's a real appreciate.

1025
01:11:07,840 --> 01:11:09,840
God damn it, dude.

1026
01:11:09,840 --> 01:11:13,840
Please give yourselves a big round of applause for coming out tonight.

1027
01:11:13,840 --> 01:11:20,840
I'll be honest, I'm just counting on I wasn't ready.

1028
01:11:20,840 --> 01:11:22,840
It's all good.

1029
01:11:22,840 --> 01:11:25,840
And I had a surgery recently, you guys.

1030
01:11:25,840 --> 01:11:28,840
Thank you.

1031
01:11:28,840 --> 01:11:30,840
And the doctor said because of the multiple groups you worked on, you should probably

1032
01:11:30,840 --> 01:11:32,840
wait at least a month to have sex.

1033
01:11:32,840 --> 01:11:35,840
I was like, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

1034
01:11:35,840 --> 01:11:36,840
I fucking got it.

1035
01:11:36,840 --> 01:11:39,840
In fact, probably tried really hard, did nothing done.

1036
01:11:39,840 --> 01:11:42,840
But if I get a chance, I'm going to rip all this to shit.

1037
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:44,840
God damn, dude.

1038
01:11:44,840 --> 01:11:45,840
No, man, it was insane.

1039
01:11:45,840 --> 01:11:48,840
My surgery was weird because they were like, we'll schedule everything here, but you've

1040
01:11:48,840 --> 01:11:50,840
got to have the actual operation in Colman.

1041
01:11:50,840 --> 01:11:52,840
I was like, why, dude?

1042
01:11:52,840 --> 01:11:55,840
Are you running your races?

1043
01:11:55,840 --> 01:11:58,840
I was like, yeah.

1044
01:11:58,840 --> 01:11:59,840
So I went to Colman.

1045
01:11:59,840 --> 01:12:01,840
That's where it was.

1046
01:12:01,840 --> 01:12:03,840
And it was really weird because they shaved half my kids.

1047
01:12:03,840 --> 01:12:06,840
I was like, I didn't do that.

1048
01:12:06,840 --> 01:12:08,840
I was going to put a real damper on my date life.

1049
01:12:08,840 --> 01:12:14,840
I was having a hard enough time before my fucking nutsack had a fade.

1050
01:12:14,840 --> 01:12:19,840
It's not a good way to make a first impression, dude, unless you're like ice tea or something.

1051
01:12:19,840 --> 01:12:23,840
It's hard, dude, because I'm autistic and shit, but I'm still trying to fuck, you know?

1052
01:12:23,840 --> 01:12:27,840
And there's people other than JJ and whatnot.

1053
01:12:27,840 --> 01:12:28,840
I don't know, man.

1054
01:12:28,840 --> 01:12:29,840
It's weird, dude.

1055
01:12:29,840 --> 01:12:31,840
That's why I'm waiting for my big break, you know?

1056
01:12:31,840 --> 01:12:34,840
Love all the spectrum.

1057
01:12:34,840 --> 01:12:36,840
I'll run through those dizzy eyes, dude.

1058
01:12:36,840 --> 01:12:39,840
That's where I'm crying.

1059
01:12:39,840 --> 01:12:42,840
I just want to take a beautiful call home where we can do everything we make eye contact,

1060
01:12:42,840 --> 01:12:45,840
you know?

1061
01:12:45,840 --> 01:12:50,840
The worst part about having your heart broken by an autistic girl is she tends to stay behind

1062
01:12:50,840 --> 01:12:53,840
to count the pieces, you know?

1063
01:12:53,840 --> 01:12:57,840
Almost compelled to like a pixie, you know?

1064
01:12:57,840 --> 01:13:00,840
And if it's an odd number, she'll do all over again.

1065
01:13:00,840 --> 01:13:03,840
Call and get an evening.

1066
01:13:03,840 --> 01:13:05,840
This is my show!

1067
01:13:05,840 --> 01:13:08,840
No, man, I like bringing a girl home who bumps my cat out.

1068
01:13:08,840 --> 01:13:10,840
That's for sure.

1069
01:13:10,840 --> 01:13:14,840
Because I don't really have a traditional, like, well, that's not why I bumped my cat out.

1070
01:13:14,840 --> 01:13:15,840
That'd be weird.

1071
01:13:15,840 --> 01:13:18,840
But I don't have a traditional bedroom set up at the moment.

1072
01:13:18,840 --> 01:13:21,840
I got more of a hammock situation, you know?

1073
01:13:21,840 --> 01:13:24,840
If you think it's hard to get a girl to bed, it's not fucking hard to get her a hammock.

1074
01:13:24,840 --> 01:13:26,840
I'll tell you that, dude.

1075
01:13:26,840 --> 01:13:27,840
God damn it.

1076
01:13:27,840 --> 01:13:30,840
When she sees you fail at that running start, what?

1077
01:13:30,840 --> 01:13:31,840
Twice?

1078
01:13:31,840 --> 01:13:32,840
I don't know.

1079
01:13:32,840 --> 01:13:35,840
Can't make love after that, dude.

1080
01:13:35,840 --> 01:13:37,840
I don't know, man.

1081
01:13:37,840 --> 01:13:39,840
I've been a little sad recently.

1082
01:13:39,840 --> 01:13:41,840
My fish died.

1083
01:13:41,840 --> 01:13:42,840
Yeah.

1084
01:13:42,840 --> 01:13:45,840
I shot twice on the navigation.

1085
01:13:45,840 --> 01:13:47,840
They gunned it down, dude, these young thugs.

1086
01:13:47,840 --> 01:13:49,840
All through a bubbler and some rocks.

1087
01:13:49,840 --> 01:13:51,840
That's just fish here, you know?

1088
01:13:51,840 --> 01:13:54,840
I like to imagine, like, they saw the little treasure chest.

1089
01:13:54,840 --> 01:13:56,840
They were like, nice.

1090
01:13:56,840 --> 01:14:00,840
But then Neptune came out of the pineapple and they're like, no way!

1091
01:14:00,840 --> 01:14:02,840
They gunned it down, dude.

1092
01:14:02,840 --> 01:14:03,840
I don't know.

1093
01:14:03,840 --> 01:14:04,840
I survived.

1094
01:14:04,840 --> 01:14:06,840
We're still shooting?

1095
01:14:06,840 --> 01:14:09,840
We're still looking for me?

1096
01:14:09,840 --> 01:14:11,840
They've never found me, dude.

1097
01:14:11,840 --> 01:14:12,840
I'm in the ether.

1098
01:14:12,840 --> 01:14:14,840
My school shooting was a lot different.

1099
01:14:14,840 --> 01:14:15,840
It wasn't a white kid.

1100
01:14:15,840 --> 01:14:17,840
That's right, a total amateur.

1101
01:14:17,840 --> 01:14:19,840
I didn't want to be prepared, dude.

1102
01:14:19,840 --> 01:14:22,840
I did lose a buddy who was a nice kid and he lit up every room we walked into.

1103
01:14:22,840 --> 01:14:24,840
But so did the shooting.

1104
01:14:24,840 --> 01:14:28,840
So now we just remember, now I just remember.

1105
01:14:28,840 --> 01:14:30,840
I've been doing comedy for a long time now.

1106
01:14:30,840 --> 01:14:32,840
I do a lot of the sex shop, you know?

1107
01:14:32,840 --> 01:14:35,840
And sometimes when I'm struggling there, I'll look for the bottle.

1108
01:14:35,840 --> 01:14:38,840
I'll look for the box and try to find something to get me going.

1109
01:14:38,840 --> 01:14:42,840
One day I pull out a leather mask, you know, zipper mouth, Pulp Fiction edition.

1110
01:14:42,840 --> 01:14:44,840
I turn it over.

1111
01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:45,840
Child's medium, dude.

1112
01:14:45,840 --> 01:14:47,840
The fuck needs that?

1113
01:14:49,840 --> 01:14:51,840
Spelencia.

1114
01:14:53,840 --> 01:14:54,840
I don't know, man.

1115
01:14:54,840 --> 01:14:56,840
I got a buddy who likes to date older women.

1116
01:14:56,840 --> 01:14:57,840
I won't tell you who.

1117
01:14:57,840 --> 01:14:58,840
It's Alex.

1118
01:14:58,840 --> 01:15:00,840
I won't tell you again.

1119
01:15:00,840 --> 01:15:02,840
I was like, how does that work, dude?

1120
01:15:02,840 --> 01:15:03,840
He's like, they hit me up.

1121
01:15:03,840 --> 01:15:06,840
I'm like, how, man? You rewired that life over?

1122
01:15:06,840 --> 01:15:08,840
He's like, yeah.

1123
01:15:08,840 --> 01:15:09,840
I'm like, what's that message like, dude?

1124
01:15:09,840 --> 01:15:12,840
Help? I've fallen in love and I can't get up?

1125
01:15:13,840 --> 01:15:15,840
I have a buddy.

1126
01:15:15,840 --> 01:15:16,840
I have a buddy.

1127
01:15:16,840 --> 01:15:18,840
Everybody found a woman within like five miles,

1128
01:15:18,840 --> 01:15:21,840
pressed her life alert, Alex gets a notification when I was falling.

1129
01:15:23,840 --> 01:15:26,840
I was a thin guy and currently in remission.

1130
01:15:26,840 --> 01:15:28,840
You know?

1131
01:15:28,840 --> 01:15:29,840
I'm back into a boot guy.

1132
01:15:29,840 --> 01:15:31,840
When I feel the bumps on a woman's aerial,

1133
01:15:31,840 --> 01:15:34,840
I have the same reaction as a blind man getting good news.

1134
01:15:36,840 --> 01:15:38,840
Braille.

1135
01:15:40,840 --> 01:15:42,840
I met a girl recently at a county fair.

1136
01:15:42,840 --> 01:15:44,840
She looked a lot like JJ.

1137
01:15:44,840 --> 01:15:46,840
So I was down.

1138
01:15:46,840 --> 01:15:48,840
She was an auctioneer.

1139
01:15:48,840 --> 01:15:49,840
Y'all know what that is?

1140
01:15:49,840 --> 01:15:50,840
Oh, yeah.

1141
01:15:50,840 --> 01:15:51,840
Yeah.

1142
01:15:51,840 --> 01:15:52,840
She used to do the thing in her sleep.

1143
01:15:52,840 --> 01:15:53,840
You know, she'd go like,

1144
01:15:53,840 --> 01:15:55,840
Hey, we've been at 44, 45, 45.

1145
01:15:55,840 --> 01:15:56,840
She'd fall asleep.

1146
01:15:56,840 --> 01:15:57,840
I thought it was cute.

1147
01:15:57,840 --> 01:15:58,840
She'd do it too at other times.

1148
01:15:58,840 --> 01:16:00,840
I really didn't think it was cute.

1149
01:16:00,840 --> 01:16:01,840
I thought it was getting hard.

1150
01:16:01,840 --> 01:16:02,840
You know?

1151
01:16:02,840 --> 01:16:03,840
Because she was like,

1152
01:16:03,840 --> 01:16:07,840
Hey, we've been at 43, 44, 45, 55, 65, 65, 67, 77, 77, 77,

1153
01:16:07,840 --> 01:16:12,840
76.5, 75, sold to the man in the corner with the tiny little face mask.

1154
01:16:14,840 --> 01:16:15,840
Thank you guys.

1155
01:16:15,840 --> 01:16:16,840
Have a great weekend.

1156
01:16:25,840 --> 01:16:26,840
Hey, LA.

1157
01:16:26,840 --> 01:16:27,840
Y'all keep it going for JJ, everybody.

1158
01:16:27,840 --> 01:16:30,840
Y'all keep it going for JJ.

1159
01:16:31,840 --> 01:16:36,840
Jake is the funniest dude I know that wears loose fitting capris.

1160
01:16:36,840 --> 01:16:37,840
Welcome.

1161
01:16:37,840 --> 01:16:39,840
This is called the Adam Sandler.

1162
01:16:42,840 --> 01:16:43,840
So what's up, Jake?

1163
01:16:43,840 --> 01:16:45,840
You really don't like people more?

1164
01:16:45,840 --> 01:16:46,840
Nah, man.

1165
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:48,840
I haven't currently, like, all the way kicked it.

1166
01:16:48,840 --> 01:16:49,840
They're not going to kick me in the tongue.

1167
01:16:49,840 --> 01:16:51,840
I think I'll get barbed in.

1168
01:16:51,840 --> 01:16:53,840
Essential.

1169
01:16:53,840 --> 01:16:54,840
Dude, essential.

1170
01:16:54,840 --> 01:16:56,840
Do you have a foot in the mouth guy?

1171
01:16:56,840 --> 01:16:57,840
Nah, man.

1172
01:16:57,840 --> 01:16:58,840
It's too much work on the ladies.

1173
01:16:58,840 --> 01:16:59,840
I wouldn't do that to them, dude.

1174
01:16:59,840 --> 01:17:01,840
They're supposed to be looking at me, you know?

1175
01:17:03,840 --> 01:17:04,840
You can keep on now.

1176
01:17:04,840 --> 01:17:05,840
You can make some changes like that now.

1177
01:17:05,840 --> 01:17:06,840
Make some changes like that.

1178
01:17:06,840 --> 01:17:08,840
Brandon, you need to make some changes, Mike.

1179
01:17:11,840 --> 01:17:13,840
They said, what's the biggest talk you ever seen?

1180
01:17:13,840 --> 01:17:14,840
What's the biggest one you've run from?

1181
01:17:16,840 --> 01:17:17,840
That's a good question.

1182
01:17:17,840 --> 01:17:18,840
I would have blocked that.

1183
01:17:18,840 --> 01:17:20,840
That's probably pretty good, dude.

1184
01:17:20,840 --> 01:17:21,840
I love you, too.

1185
01:17:21,840 --> 01:17:22,840
I love you, too, man.

1186
01:17:22,840 --> 01:17:24,840
I think you're kind of pretty excited, man.

1187
01:17:24,840 --> 01:17:27,840
Hot summer and open-toed shoes.

1188
01:17:27,840 --> 01:17:28,840
Oh, yeah.

1189
01:17:28,840 --> 01:17:30,840
It's fair game.

1190
01:17:30,840 --> 01:17:31,840
It's fair game, dude.

1191
01:17:31,840 --> 01:17:33,840
It's hunting season, you know what I'm saying?

1192
01:17:35,840 --> 01:17:38,840
Open-toed shoes with a bolt showing surrounding it.

1193
01:17:39,840 --> 01:17:41,840
He's a predator.

1194
01:17:41,840 --> 01:17:43,840
That's what he said.

1195
01:17:43,840 --> 01:17:44,840
Allegedly.

1196
01:17:44,840 --> 01:17:45,840
Allegedly.

1197
01:17:45,840 --> 01:17:46,840
Allegedly.

1198
01:17:46,840 --> 01:17:47,840
Allegedly.

1199
01:17:47,840 --> 01:17:48,840
So you're Jewish?

1200
01:17:48,840 --> 01:17:49,840
And then someone.

1201
01:17:49,840 --> 01:17:54,840
I'm Jewish the same way every white woman in the state of America.

1202
01:17:55,840 --> 01:17:58,840
I know we all got a fucking dreamcatcher tattoo out there.

1203
01:17:58,840 --> 01:18:00,840
You pull in your sleeve.

1204
01:18:00,840 --> 01:18:01,840
Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.

1205
01:18:01,840 --> 01:18:04,840
If you drop a pin, I'll hear it, but that's about it.

1206
01:18:04,840 --> 01:18:06,840
It doesn't matter how far I am.

1207
01:18:06,840 --> 01:18:09,840
I just sense the iron like a shark in the water, dude.

1208
01:18:09,840 --> 01:18:11,840
So I drop a blood, and then you go, okay.

1209
01:18:11,840 --> 01:18:12,840
Okay.

1210
01:18:15,840 --> 01:18:16,840
That's cat, dude.

1211
01:18:16,840 --> 01:18:17,840
You don't like pennies.

1212
01:18:17,840 --> 01:18:20,840
You're not a big fan of Abraham Lincoln, dude.

1213
01:18:20,840 --> 01:18:21,840
I know that.

1214
01:18:21,840 --> 01:18:22,840
Oh, man.

1215
01:18:22,840 --> 01:18:24,840
My shit would blow his mind, dude.

1216
01:18:24,840 --> 01:18:26,840
Like Sixth and Peranis style, man.

1217
01:18:27,840 --> 01:18:28,840
Shit.

1218
01:18:28,840 --> 01:18:29,840
I guess.

1219
01:18:29,840 --> 01:18:30,840
Lincoln was a...

1220
01:18:30,840 --> 01:18:31,840
He was an American.

1221
01:18:31,840 --> 01:18:34,840
Don just pulled out a crinkle of that $5 bill.

1222
01:18:34,840 --> 01:18:36,840
He got his jigs about to perfect.

1223
01:18:36,840 --> 01:18:37,840
Oral.

1224
01:18:37,840 --> 01:18:38,840
I guess.

1225
01:18:38,840 --> 01:18:40,840
I thought Don was having a stroke.

1226
01:18:40,840 --> 01:18:41,840
What was he doing?

1227
01:18:41,840 --> 01:18:44,840
He had a meal, and you have the same haircut.

1228
01:18:44,840 --> 01:18:45,840
So, Thomas didn't have it.

1229
01:18:45,840 --> 01:18:48,840
You carried a $2 bill, and you were fucking crying for it?

1230
01:18:50,840 --> 01:18:52,840
That's because you can only count to two, Jake.

1231
01:18:52,840 --> 01:18:53,840
Don't be rude.

1232
01:18:53,840 --> 01:18:55,840
Don't be rude, dude.

1233
01:18:55,840 --> 01:18:57,840
I knew it was all law.

1234
01:18:58,840 --> 01:18:59,840
We'll go thrift shopping together.

1235
01:18:59,840 --> 01:19:00,840
We'll play that out.

1236
01:19:00,840 --> 01:19:01,840
I don't know.

1237
01:19:04,840 --> 01:19:05,840
Give me a crazy story, dude.

1238
01:19:05,840 --> 01:19:07,840
Give you guys a crazy story?

1239
01:19:07,840 --> 01:19:09,840
Besides the school shooting thing, which is real.

1240
01:19:09,840 --> 01:19:12,840
I thought we were just talking around for like the first six months.

1241
01:19:12,840 --> 01:19:13,840
So, I figured we'd do that, yo.

1242
01:19:13,840 --> 01:19:17,840
Yeah, dude. Every time he's swearing, like slamming his car door, I'm like, don't do that.

1243
01:19:17,840 --> 01:19:18,840
You know?

1244
01:19:18,840 --> 01:19:19,840
No, I'm kidding.

1245
01:19:19,840 --> 01:19:21,840
It was the only thing.

1246
01:19:24,840 --> 01:19:26,840
I don't know, man. Cool story.

1247
01:19:26,840 --> 01:19:28,840
Fuck. God damn straight.

1248
01:19:28,840 --> 01:19:29,840
You're a cool bitch.

1249
01:19:29,840 --> 01:19:31,840
Fuck, dude.

1250
01:19:31,840 --> 01:19:37,840
One time, I was drinking Absinthe with my cousin and the Dominican Republic dude.

1251
01:19:37,840 --> 01:19:40,840
And it became very clear that they were trying to rape us.

1252
01:19:40,840 --> 01:19:47,840
You know, like they were just giving us free drinks, you know, but they didn't realize that we were alcoholics.

1253
01:19:47,840 --> 01:19:49,840
So, we just kind of played them, you know?

1254
01:19:49,840 --> 01:19:50,840
Yeah.

1255
01:19:50,840 --> 01:19:51,840
Man or woman?

1256
01:19:51,840 --> 01:19:52,840
Huh?

1257
01:19:52,840 --> 01:19:53,840
Man or woman?

1258
01:19:53,840 --> 01:19:54,840
Oh, the dude. It was the dude.

1259
01:19:54,840 --> 01:19:56,840
Yeah. He was come by, giving us drinks, calling us.

1260
01:19:56,840 --> 01:19:58,840
He's like, my friend, he never met us dude.

1261
01:20:00,840 --> 01:20:02,840
But no, he kept giving us Absinthe, man.

1262
01:20:02,840 --> 01:20:06,840
And we got in the golf cart and they all watched us leave.

1263
01:20:06,840 --> 01:20:11,840
And we fucking, we made it through the woods back to the fucking like hotel.

1264
01:20:11,840 --> 01:20:15,840
And dude, that drive through the woods was so fucking magical on Opium.

1265
01:20:17,840 --> 01:20:20,840
And then the next guy's in there dude. I don't know. I can.

1266
01:20:20,840 --> 01:20:23,840
Like, probably should know him, but.

1267
01:20:23,840 --> 01:20:27,840
Oh wow, dude. You got drunk and somebody tried to sexually assault you.

1268
01:20:27,840 --> 01:20:29,840
What a crazy story, bro.

1269
01:20:29,840 --> 01:20:33,840
What a crazy story. You ever been to a frat party with those guys and shit?

1270
01:20:33,840 --> 01:20:35,840
You've had that happen to you.

1271
01:20:35,840 --> 01:20:38,840
And not a single one of them smiled.

1272
01:20:38,840 --> 01:20:43,840
That's how you know they have a couple of open title minds, Pindy.

1273
01:20:45,840 --> 01:20:47,840
I'm sorry, I've been drinking dude.

1274
01:20:47,840 --> 01:20:49,840
I'm gonna ask.

1275
01:20:49,840 --> 01:20:52,840
I'm sure I got crazy stories.

1276
01:20:52,840 --> 01:20:55,840
The whole world drunk, you know, I'm off coffee, I'm on heroin.

1277
01:20:59,840 --> 01:21:01,840
We'll see how it goes. We'll see. It's touching though.

1278
01:21:01,840 --> 01:21:03,840
What the hell.

1279
01:21:05,840 --> 01:21:07,840
It's a red light. Get the fuck off the stage.

1280
01:21:09,840 --> 01:21:11,840
Alright everybody, keep it going.

1281
01:21:11,840 --> 01:21:13,840
Jake Foxx!

1282
01:21:19,840 --> 01:21:23,840
Alright, so give it up one more time for everyone you've seen tonight.

1283
01:21:23,840 --> 01:21:29,840
By the way, in case you weren't here earlier when I said we're a non-profit, we're broken shit.

1284
01:21:29,840 --> 01:21:36,840
So, we're gonna take this pie in the face opportunity to do just a real quick spontaneous fundraiser.

1285
01:21:36,840 --> 01:21:41,840
If you will please actually entertain your thought.

1286
01:21:41,840 --> 01:21:45,840
My lovely wife, Jessica, where are you, Jessica?

1287
01:21:45,840 --> 01:21:47,840
Jessica!

1288
01:21:47,840 --> 01:21:51,840
Where's she go? Jessica!

1289
01:21:51,840 --> 01:21:54,840
Thank you everybody for coming out.

1290
01:21:59,840 --> 01:22:01,840
Well, it depends on what the crowd does.

1291
01:22:01,840 --> 01:22:05,840
We have this big old bucket. We're gonna act like this is church and pass it around.

1292
01:22:05,840 --> 01:22:10,840
And if we get 50 bucks, then Jessica's gonna let me throw a pie in her face.

1293
01:22:10,840 --> 01:22:12,840
Oh my god, sure!

1294
01:22:12,840 --> 01:22:14,840
Oh shit!

1295
01:22:14,840 --> 01:22:17,840
Who's that?

1296
01:22:17,840 --> 01:22:20,840
Come on, come on.

1297
01:22:20,840 --> 01:22:23,840
Are you crying or are you just crying?

1298
01:22:23,840 --> 01:22:25,840
No.

1299
01:22:25,840 --> 01:22:27,840
Is this some kind of weird place?

1300
01:22:27,840 --> 01:22:29,840
No.

1301
01:22:34,840 --> 01:22:36,840
Okay, who had this thing?

1302
01:22:36,840 --> 01:22:38,840
Okay, everybody.

1303
01:22:38,840 --> 01:22:45,840
Give her a pie!

1304
01:22:45,840 --> 01:22:50,840
Give her a pie!

1305
01:22:59,840 --> 01:23:02,840
I wanna thank you guys so much for coming out.

1306
01:23:02,840 --> 01:23:08,840
We really appreciate it. I hope you guys had a good time.