This week on Clown College.
Oh.
Shit.
Don't think about it.
Swallow it.
Fuck it.
Everyone make it in lock up.
Swallow it.
Oh no.
I can't do it man.
I understand.
I can't do it.
This is the Clown College Podcast.
We're just a couple open micers trying to make our way through the scene.
We'll re-interview comedians throughout different stages of their comedy career.
No matter if they're open micers, headliners, or traveling comedians.
I'm here too.
Jamie 2.0.
I just talk a lot more.
Damn it Brandon.
Go sit in the corner.
Hey.
Boop boop boop boop boop.
Yeah.
Boop boop boop boop boop.
These clowns rapping.
Talk about capping.
Come around here when I come out scrapping.
Boop boop boop boop boop.
Yeah.
Boop boop boop boop boop.
These clowns rapping.
Talk about capping.
Come around here when I come out scrapping.
Boop boop boop boop boop boop.
I'm gonna rap, he gonna shit, I don't know what that bitch gonna hit.
Boop boop boop boop boop.
Yeah.
Hey.
Damn dude.
Coming in hot.
Yeah.
I know, I had to give it to him.
I wasn't expecting that.
Uh-uh.
That boy on the fly.
Well, yes I am.
So I think we need to talk about one of our heroes dying today.
Oh dude.
Orenthal James, man.
Rest in peace.
R.I.P.
2,000 yards in a 14 game season.
Unheard of.
Damn.
Just unheard of by running back.
Will never be replicated.
Yeah.
Quite literally impossible to do that.
Maybe the best follow on Twitter.
Yeah.
He's up there.
Hello Twitter world.
Heard he could drive the hell out of a car too for some reason.
I don't know.
He's whipping that thing dude.
He let him whip it.
Modern day cowboy just getting away on that Bronco dude.
Hey can you look up that video where he like plays that joke on the reporter where she
opens the door and he's got the knife and he's like.
Oh yeah.
Oh man I remember that.
That's one of the best videos ever made.
He's like, oh yeah.
This one?
Yeah that's it right there.
With his face.
Go to videos.
Let's see.
Yeah that one.
That one.
We're going to click on the TikTok one.
Damn Chinese spyware.
They're going to know all our analytics dude.
Yeah.
Yeah ban this shit.
It's taking forever to load man.
Bro my internet's been doing that lately.
Okay hold on.
Let me turn it up.
Hold on let me turn it up.
I had them all restarted for y'all.
I love how he does it.
Okay here we go.
Hold on you ready?
We been ready man.
Turn it up.
Oh fuck.
Come on.
Does that hurt your feelings?
No.
And you got me riled up.
You got me started.
After we finished filming OJ said to me that he had a surprise for me and I genuinely was
surprised.
Just did you do it?
No I didn't.
I think it was his idea of a joke.
And this is it.
He's a jokester.
He's a jokester dude.
That's great comedy and I believe that's a real knife.
Yeah that probably was.
It would be slipped.
Come on man.
He's innocent man.
He's innocent in my book dude.
You gotta quit it.
Yeah.
Do you know how many African Americans have been falsely accused and convicted of crimes
dude?
Let one go.
You right.
If he got off and he did it you know no harm no foul.
Okay yeah now the score is like zero to five thousand.
You know what I'm saying?
Let him go dude.
He's old.
Well now he's dead.
But he was old man.
He did Tom.
Prostate cancer.
Yeah that got him.
That will.
That'll get you.
What a pain in the ass.
Got him.
And nobody will care because he did kill those people.
Prostate exams are looking a lot better now aren't they?
Do you think he killed them?
Huh?
Do you think he killed the people?
Do I think he killed them?
You see me I didn't do enough research.
I didn't do enough research.
Yeah I'm a young guy.
I can't tell you yet.
I gotta see what happens.
I gotta watch some documentaries.
He definitely killed them.
The People versus OJ Simpson.
Yeah that's good.
That's a good one to watch.
What's that on Netflix?
Hulu.
I can't remember.
I'm pretty sure it was a Hulu one.
Yeah.
But the whole thing was like that glove wouldn't fit on his hand because they had like froze
it to preserve it or whatever.
If the glove doesn't fit on his hand it's gonna be a dead man.
Yeah.
I mean I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
Yeah, whatever if the glove doesn't fit you must acquit or something like that.
Johnnie Cochran was a motha fuck.
Hell yeah dude.
Good lawyer.
Love him dude.
He's one of my favorites.
What's his name?
Johnnie Cochran.
Mhm.
It's right there.
You really emphasized the cocks syllable.
Oh yeah.
Okay cocaine.
Oh Johnny.
Oh there you go.
He could be your daddy Brandon.
He does look like my daddy man.
It's for real.
Hasn't got his blood on it.
He could be your daddy, Brandon.
He does look like my daddy.
That's fucking crazy.
Like for real.
That's not him.
That's an actor.
He kinda looks like Eddie Murphy, dude.
That's an actor.
Oh, shit.
Oh, no.
Damn, he does too.
He looks just like him though.
They did that.
He's got the Dahmer glasses.
Not good for a criminal defense attorney, dude.
Or the best.
It's true.
He probably could've got Dahmer off.
I'm glad he didn't.
Why?
Sometimes I'm glad he didn't do the same for Dahmer.
You don't wanna, you want one Dahmer to be free?
Hell no, especially if I was around.
Shit, hey man.
Oh yeah, no.
He would've got your ass easily.
No, I, I.
Easily, man.
He would've probably been bored.
Like, I can't do this.
It's too easy.
It's like, Brandon, I got some barbecue in here.
He's like, oh shit.
Ribs.
I would've acted like nothing happened.
He'd be like, you didn't smell that?
I'd be like, dude, I just didn't wanna be rude, man.
But this shit.
Did you see how he hesitated for a second
when he was holding the imaginary ribs?
He was like, oh.
You just tricked yourself, dude.
Yes.
Tyrone?
No.
This is my second favorite criminal defense attorney
right behind Leibowitz.
Leibowitz?
What a Leibowitz.
Look up Leibowitz Scottsboro Boys.
Le, oh, Leibowitz.
Okay, how you spell Leibowitz?
That's close enough.
Scottsboro Boys.
Well, that's not him.
That is Edna from The Incredibles.
Scottsboro what?
Boys.
Oh shit, I remember that.
I remember that.
There he is, dude.
Samuel Leibowitz.
Oh man, yeah, I remember that.
Just off the picture, he's my favorite.
Yeah, look at him.
Because back in those days.
He was like a Romanian immigrant.
Grew up poor as shit.
Grinded his way to the top.
He would defend the most heinous criminals
in New York, I believe.
One of those Northeastern, rough dude, East Coast.
He didn't fuck around, man.
He got him off?
Well, I mean, he lightened their sentences.
I mean, you gotta realize,
these guys were accused of gang raping
two white women from Huntsville.
For real?
Yeah.
This is what I was telling you about that one time.
Where they, the police were beating these guys one time.
They were in jail for years.
They had multiple trials.
They got the death penalty,
and people were like, don't kill them.
So then they were like, okay, well, life in prison.
Even though they were completely innocent, man.
And the police were beating them in the car one time.
A dude had a knife or something,
and slashed one of the police officers' throats
in the cop car.
I think this might be false,
but I think this is what happened.
And then one of the other cops shot him.
So one of the dudes died.
Couple of other ones spent,
I wanna say close to 13 years in prison.
Man, that's bad.
Falsely accused.
But it's because Ruby Bates and Victoria Price
were the two women that accused these guys,
and they were the scum of white society.
They worked at the least prosperous cotton mill
in Huntsville, lived in an all-black neighborhood.
Good white people like me would spit on those whores.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah.
And then they got some attention
from saying that this happened,
and they just wrote it out.
Dude, it's kinda like the Salem witch trials.
Damn, man.
Hose, man.
This was Only Fans before Only Fans, dude.
That is fucking crazy.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's always been here.
People get mad at my jokes,
saying I miss old racism.
Not getting hung for saying a white girl
had a fat ass racism.
This is what I'm talking about.
Yeah, this is a really good example.
Local example.
Where are the Scots, bro?
40 minutes away.
That's fucking crazy.
Unreal, dude.
And there's some crazy old excerpts
from the Huntsville Times.
The editor hated these dudes.
I can't even say what it says on camera.
I can't say that because that's not correct.
But the headline on camera.
Yeah, I'll tell you after.
I say it every night in the mirror before I go to bed,
but I'm not willing to do that in a recorded setting.
Damn, that's new.
When did this happen?
No, I'm just fucking with y'all, though.
I think it was like the 30s.
Oh.
The 20s, 30s?
Damn, yeah, that's a year.
Yeah, that's fucking crazy, man.
I like how we started with some lighthearted topics
like murder and gang rape.
Yeah, yeah.
Ease you in.
Hey, we went full spectrum, dude.
A black guy that did do the crime who got away with it.
And then here's nine black dudes that didn't do it
that didn't get away with it.
Falsely accused and in prison.
So it's unbelievable.
It's not even even.
It's all the way over here.
It's reparations, dude.
Let OJ go, man.
Let's bring him back.
I'm ready.
Here he is, give it up.
Oh, this is getting in here.
He walks in, it's Alex in blackface.
That'll be fucking great.
Oh, man, I'd be like, oh my gosh.
I think Alex should do his hair like how Terrence Howard had it.
Oh my God.
I would love that Terrence Howard.
This nigga is wild.
And he's ginger.
Why is it red, man?
I don't even know.
That's his natural hair?
Is that like a bondage red?
That looks red.
That's right.
That is right.
Hold on.
First of all, this is Jake Muncie.
I mean, look at the chest hair.
The regular hair, dude.
This is Jake, man.
Equally insane.
I can't believe Terrence Howard.
And this is a serious interview.
Wow, man.
Where he's talking about why he has to come back to work.
He was trying to retire.
And he's talking serious through this whole interview
with this hair.
Look at the bottom right.
This was for Straight Talk Wireless, though.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen, man.
But that hair is beautiful, dude.
It is.
It's nice.
It's like Wendy Williams, you know?
I like it.
Not a good comparison.
Not a good comparison?
No, I see the vision.
It's Farrah Fawcett right there.
Who?
Farrah Fawcett.
That's the Farrah Fawcett hair.
Let's search that up.
You said Farrah Fawcett.
Popularized by Farrah Fawcett.
Wow.
Dude, I think she would have been my celebrity crush
back in the day.
That's the same hair.
So what movies did she do?
She's big.
She was huge.
I don't know.
That was before my time.
But she was like the smoke show of the...
Like 70s?
Yeah, 60s, 70s.
Yeah.
Dude, that, I almost had that.
That's what I was going for when I had the moment.
You would have pulled it off, man.
It wasn't as good as that.
I was more like Farrah Spigot, dude.
That sounded racist.
Sorry.
I was trying to find a slur it sounded like.
Look at that guy at the Mexicans.
No.
No, man.
I used double Gs, but that's a different slur.
I'm gonna have to...
Double Gs.
I don't...
Oh, what else happened?
You had a fun night last night with your new friend
that you met at Fats Hammy's.
This punk ass bitch.
He looks like Harry Potter if he was a cuck.
Damn.
He's just a bitch.
He's did it before.
I didn't know it was the same person,
but with Daniel Castillo,
he was going up to practice for Stand Up Live.
Yeah, rest in peace.
He was going up there to practice for Stand Up Live
and he kept on saying shit like,
you're not funny.
Say something funny and ruined his whole set.
Then Jake gets up there last night
and out of nowhere,
because he wasn't doing it before
and he just starts heckling Jake.
Like check his hard drive and...
Yeah.
Just stupid stuff, man.
Every time Jake would try to say a punch line,
he would step all over.
Just like, ah, just saying dumb shit.
Then I get up there
and the skinny one had said something first.
I'm talking about my mom.
He was like, mom's a hoe or something like that.
I told him, I was like,
I'm just a nigga up here on the mic.
I will fuck you up.
You know what I'm saying?
I just let him know that I will beat the shit out of you,
you punk ass bitch.
And then I forgot my fucking new joke
that I'm trying to work on for tonight at Shenanigans.
And then, cause he flustered me.
I don't like that he flustered me either.
That's kind of why I wanted to just smack the shit.
Look, I'm telling y'all, it wouldn't have been a fight.
I would have just went up there and smacked him.
And I guarantee 1000% he would have screamed
and then written call the police.
He had a pedophile mustache.
He would have screamed loud too.
He had the pedo stash.
He walked like Far as Gump as a child
with no leg braces on.
He was drunk as shit.
But they were definitely the type,
if you would have even slightly put your hand on them,
they would contact the authorities immediately.
He did that with Alex.
Alex went up there and Alex was being nicer this time.
The first time Alex got in his ass and he was scared.
He was like, I just want to shake your hand.
And I was like, no, fuck you.
You're fucking up the whole comedy show.
Then Alex goes over there while I think I was on stage.
And he was like, hey man, can you comment down?
He was like, you're being really aggressive with me.
You touched me.
Aw, it's a bitch ass nigga.
I can't stand them whole ass.
But I loved it, dude.
That boy Alex, he is fired.
He's on business.
Zero to a hundred real fast.
I love that confidence.
He's like a Tesla plaid, that guy.
Just fucking angry in a second, dude.
I love it, though.
Yeah, I do.
Dude, he's a best man.
He's a good host.
You need that in a host.
He fucking sets the tone.
Yeah, you just don't want to let the crowd just,
I mean, because that can ruin everything.
Then everybody who's going up there,
you have to deal with this heckler.
And it's not a fun, even if somebody's drunk,
the dude in the front was drunk with the red hair.
He was cool.
Exactly.
He would say shit.
He would say shit, but he would know,
and he was belligerently drunk,
and he was still, yeah.
But he was still like, you could have fun with that.
You know what I mean?
He was there for the comedy.
He was there to have a good time at a comedy show.
These guys got their back turned
with some girls who, they're definitely not fucking.
Oh, there's no chance.
Oh, no, no.
They wanted to, but they're probably friends,
and they go have coffee together,
but no insertion for sure.
Sounds like they do white people shit.
They drink coffee in a group.
They can't pick your asses unless they're Starbucks.
That shit was just lame, though.
Yeah, because Jake went up fifth,
and that's kind of when it really started getting bad.
You went up sixth, and then I was seventh.
So it was just us three in a row,
and I said, I have a joke where I'm like,
I'm about to graduate college,
and then they just started booing.
Shocking that they're not big fans of education.
Absolutely mind boggling.
But then they were just like, for the rest of the time,
they would talk unnecessarily loud.
They're drunk, and just what pisses me off
about those type of people,
they've never been punched in the face.
You could tell.
They've always been allowed to be dickheads
and just the worst people ever.
And it's like everybody else in there,
even the random people, not just the comedians,
was enjoying the show.
They were laughing, they were involved.
It's just those two fucking pussies in the corner
were just like, eh, eh, eh,
and made the whole thing about them.
And it's like, you're lame as shit.
Just leave.
Or get up.
We're downtown.
There's a million places to go.
Get out and leave, dude.
Nobody there is fucking with you.
Your coworkers are like, yeah, I'm sorry about that guy.
He's a dickhead.
Yeah, and the thing is, they work there,
so they know it's gonna be a comedy show.
It's not like it was just put up on them at the last second.
They knew it was gonna be a comedy show.
You work at this fucking place,
I guarantee we don't have any comedians
that will be dicks to the staff.
Everywhere we go, the staff loves us.
We tip well, we fucking always buy shit
for the establishment, and every one of them likes us.
I never even remember this guy,
but I will be looking for him from now on.
I want to spit in his face.
I don't know how I can relay this in such a way.
Dan, calm me down.
Thank Dan Price.
Where he was like, come over here.
He was like, you got something,
because I told him I was like,
I'm just a regular nigga up here.
I will be off this stage.
Yeah.
I'll be waiting outside.
Whenever your set was, the skinny one started to walk
like he was going outside.
I just left.
I was like, oh, I'm going up here
to smoke a cigarette away from him to come out.
And I will call him a bitch ass, punk ass.
And I'm glad he didn't,
because I probably would have smacked him.
Because I would have been like,
see, just like you said, you never been hitting the face.
A good smacking.
You know what I'm saying?
Just smacking, some people need it.
And I think police should be on my side on this.
Tough love, dude.
First of all, every comedian would have been like,
we didn't see anything.
I don't know what that guy's talking about, dude.
Let me talk to him.
I have a way with the police.
I just stand behind Dan.
Yeah, Dan would have to.
He'd probably do better.
Yeah, Dan would be like, let's calm this down.
Fellas, fellas.
Like a mafia movie.
Calm it down for me, shit gets real nigga.
Dude, I was sitting next to Jake,
and once you got up there and they started heckling you,
he was like getting up out of his seat,
and I just had to grab him.
I was like, Jake, we've been over this.
And I told him, I was like,
those guys are gonna call the cops if you hit them.
So they're not real Americans, dude.
They don't believe in freedom.
I like a guy, even if he was talking shit like that,
and he was like, let's go outside.
And then he got his ass whooped,
because these dudes had no chance
of any kind of physical altercation with any,
I think any of us, to be honest with you.
Them put together had no testosterone.
No. Nothing, dude.
I mean, the least.
But have the nerve to talk the most.
Tammy would have beat these guys' ass.
Oh, hell, fucking yeah. Tammy would have fucked them up.
She looks like she got some spice to her.
Oh yeah.
I wouldn't fight her, dude.
Oh, so they're part of Kim's as shenanigans stand-up class
that we talked about on Kim's episode.
They do a stand-up class as shenanigans.
And they got good stuff.
I like the her. Tammy's good.
Tammy's good. She has a really good job.
And then the long hair guy, I can't remember his name.
The dude from Tennessee.
There was two, but the first one that went up.
Yeah, he was good. He was good.
Fentanyl Jesus. Yeah, Fentanyl Jesus.
He had some good shit. Yeah, he was very funny.
So Kim's over there teaching her rights.
So if you ever, even if you're already doing stand-up
and you just want to learn some more, go check it out.
Yeah, shout out to that.
I think that dude's name was Matt.
Yeah, Matt Atkins.
He was Matt Atkins?
Yes, Matt Atkins.
Well, you know, he's a white dude.
50% chance his name is Matt Orgiosha.
You got it right on the dot, buddy.
You just call me buddy?
Yeah, that wink there. I don't know why I did that.
I didn't see the wink.
You didn't have to admit to that.
We'll see it on the camera later.
Oh yeah, you will.
Brandon, I want it.
Turn your whole head to wink.
Wink, Brandon.
Well, that, you just blinked
because you did both your eyes.
There you go. There you go.
Hey. All right, now what were you saying next?
Can we, oh, go ahead, go ahead.
Oh, I got nothing.
Oh, remember we were practicing for the Kanye skit.
Can you go ahead in that camera and do,
when Kanye said George Bush doesn't like black people?
Doesn't care about black people.
George Bush doesn't care about, oh.
Yeah, remember? Remember what he talked about?
Yeah, hold up.
Eggs.
Up, up.
I'm Kanye. I'm Kanye. I'm Kanye.
You're the shit.
George Bush doesn't care about black people.
Oh, he did a comedy.
He did a comedy.
George Bush doesn't care about black people.
There you go. That was pretty good.
That sounded like Cleveland Brown more.
I didn't like that. He ain't country.
It's like music to my ears.
It's your energy.
Your energy has to be, you know, on a standstill.
George Bush doesn't believe in black people.
Oh, he understands they're all too real, bruh.
Flavor-y was a choice.
I didn't mean that I'm Kanye.
You know what? I do mean that,
cause I'm God, nigga.
That's Kanye, right?
There you go. That was really good.
I got into my role, but I'm like that.
I got light bulbs sucking for y'all.
That is a Kanye.
Hell yeah, dude.
Cause it's the genius killer.
He knows him.
Oh my gosh.
He's on it.
I've been studying it.
I'm finna watch the documentary.
There's a Kanye doc?
Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's pretty cool. I would watch it.
Oh yeah.
It's on Netflix.
Yes it is, Netflix.
I don't have Netflix, dude.
For real?
I got you, man.
I'm not a fucking corporate loser, dude.
I'm poor.
They keep upping those prices.
They do up the prices.
Now, like the bottom tier, you have to watch ads.
Yeah.
Like the one Jake has, of course, cause he's poor.
Well, there's some other things.
Yeah, he's probably not poor.
He just doesn't spend money because we know why.
We don't want to say who they are, but.
I don't want to say what ethnicity Jake has.
Think of what Kanye would say.
But he's a Jewish guy.
But on his, yeah, you gotta watch ads.
Which is crazy for Netflix.
That's the whole reason you get Netflix.
His last name is one consonant away from being money, dude.
Oh yeah.
J Money.
Yeah, they messing with video games too.
Like you see how PlayStation Plus is going up now.
Isn't it like 25 bucks a month?
Damn.
That's steep.
Yeah, I think, and no, wait, actually it's different modes.
Like the first one is like,
I think the cheapest might be 15.
If you want the pluses, like up to 25.
And if you get like the,
there's another one where you get all the PlayStation games
from like back in your day, PlayStation One.
They had PlayStations in the 1950s, dude.
Oh man, I know, right?
Prototypes, prototypes.
Young ass thing.
My bad, Atari.
Atari, yeah, Pong, dude.
Oh man, that was, yeah, that's a good game.
I played some people in it.
Beat them too.
And Pong?
Is that a two player game?
Yeah.
I'd never play Pong.
Yeah, Pong, yeah, back in the day, that's how you would.
I'm not that old.
That's a beer pong, Brandon.
Oh, you talking about beer pong?
I was talking about the shit where they go like the,
I never did beer pong.
Oh yeah, we gotta teach you beer pong.
I have a beer pong table, dude.
That's what I'm saying, dude.
Can you look up Chugger Nights?
Chugger Nights?
Yeah.
Well, you getting close today.
That's what this is called.
I sent you this on Instagram, man.
I know, but the way you just said it.
What'd he say?
It's that thing right there.
It's like the Rockum Sockum Robots of alcoholism.
It's like they got like a little shield and a little sword.
You put a tall boy, or one of those slim cans
in those things, and it pokes a hole in it with the sword.
It's like Rockum Sockum Robots for alcoholics, dude.
And you got to shotgun it if you lose.
That's fun.
J. Dave wants to play this,
but he's the lightest drinker out of all of us.
I want to play it too.
He will be fucked up after two.
But I like games, man.
Okay.
Dude, my dynasty in retro bowl college right now, dude.
Just won the major championship in my first season
as South Florida's head coach, dude.
Our facilities declined in the off season,
but we're coming back, dude.
Our quarterback got drafted in the first round,
had to sign a new one for $35,000, dude.
These NIL deals are killing the game, dude.
I understand why Saban retired.
Can you believe this, Brandon?
I don't know shit about football, man.
Dude, I swear, cause I played it.
What position did you play?
Let's see, I was in the front line in middle school.
Just think of the front line. You in the Army?
What, you in the JRTC?
Okay, so I was in the, what is this,
the defensive line, something like that.
Wait, were you on D line or O line?
I think I was D line.
So you played defense.
Yes.
You weren't protecting the quarterback or?
No, no, I mean, oh yes I was.
I was in the front trying to stop the,
like what they were doing,
they would put a dude in front of me
and they'd be like, you just try to stop this guy.
They'd all like, give me the biggest mother fucker.
I told you I was short and fat,
and they'd be dudes six foot five.
Yeah.
Brandon, what level were you playing at?
Man, well we all, well it was middle school,
so we were all just, I don't even know.
If you had a six foot five dude,
they were middle school.
Dude, these days, yeah.
Dude, he was so big.
Antibiotics and chicken.
Yeah.
Dude, the dude he tackled before me
was this other guy that was big as hell,
and he picked him up, threw him on the ground.
I'd never seen a middle, what'd they call him?
Young adult cry like he did that night, man.
An adolescent.
Yeah, a young dude.
He was whimpering and all that shit.
I was like, damn, man.
And they were like, Brandon, we need a replacement.
I was like, fuck it.
I did it.
You went out there.
Oh hell yeah.
You had a business?
Yes, no, man.
This was the time I didn't know how to do shit.
This was before wrestling days.
So what happened?
Man, I fell every time.
My mom felt, my mom was mad.
She would be up there mad and just be like,
son, you're supposed to block the mother.
What are you doing?
And then one time I remember they were blowing a whistle
and another dude didn't know what the fuck to do.
He was just holding on to my jersey
as they were blowing the whistle.
And I was like, why is he still on me?
Yeah, it was horrible.
Everybody in my family.
I knew who Brandon was right now.
I could see him.
Who was I?
Waterboy?
No, just one of the people.
I know who he is.
Forrest Gump.
Yeah.
That was fucking bad.
I never caught shit though.
You know I can't catch shit.
Well yeah, you were offensive lineman.
You don't really need to catch any.
You're not an eligible receiver.
I couldn't do nothing in football.
I don't even know why I went on that thing.
But every time somebody would just touch you,
you would fall, right?
Back then I was bad.
It was bad.
Brandon was getting touched all the time.
I almost got messed up earlier.
I almost got sex trafficked.
I feel like I was driving.
So today, Brandon has gotten a car accident
and almost got sold into sex slavery.
Yeah, at the same time.
Tell them about it, Brandon.
All in a day's work.
I was driving home and then I passed near a target
near a university and this lady.
I worked there, I got fired.
This lady ran out in the middle of the road
and started doing this and waving.
And at first, I slowed down for a minute
and I was like hell no.
And I kept going and she jumped out the way
and I saw a dude in a truck just doing this the whole time.
And I don't know what the fuck that meant.
That was very weird.
Maybe.
No, maybe two at hell yeah.
That's why I kept going.
But second part, then I'm going for this thing
and I got hit, my first one.
Roundabout, right?
Yes, I hate roundabouts.
Those are confusing sometimes.
Those are horrible.
You just yield to the person on the left.
Yeah, you yield to the person on the left.
But she didn't yield, she hit you.
Yeah, that was bad.
Didn't get out the car because you were black.
No, I did.
No, you got out the car.
Oh yeah, yeah.
She wouldn't even look at you, right?
I knew what the deal was.
I knew it, yeah, she wouldn't.
Yeah, I knew.
At first I was like hey, I know, I know.
Let me just take these pictures.
Just got in the car.
Bitch better have insurance too.
Yeah.
What kind of car does she have?
Man, it looks newer.
Newer car?
It was really nice.
Wait, there's a photo.
There's a photo.
I know, I didn't see it.
I didn't see it.
I know, I just checked it out.
It was really nice though.
Uh-huh.
It was a Honda.
Really nice.
It's a quality vehicle.
But like a 2015 above?
It was a nicer than that car, right?
She got insurance then.
Yes, yes, it was nice.
I'm just proud of my car staying up
because that shows my car is tough, I love it.
Okay, yeah.
Oh damn.
Same car as mine, that's real weird.
Yeah.
Like, she kept going.
Did you hit Brandon?
Nah, come on, you know I got great thunder.
The great thunder?
Great thunder.
Gray goose maybe.
Got that too.
Road beer.
Was it a SUV type?
Yeah, maybe it was one of those CRVs or the Passport.
Yeah, so it was a crazy day.
Hell yeah.
I was so chilled though, man.
Like, there was a dude outside.
He was like, oh my gosh, you okay?
And I just rolled down the window,
and I was like, yeah man, I'm good.
Go walk your dog.
And he just went.
And I was so chilled.
It was good.
All right, that's it.
That's it for us today.
We got ogre on.
Oh man.
And it's a surprise it's gonna be in there.
Yeah.
And it's good.
This is the last time you'll see me for a while, dude.
All right, y'all.
See you next week.
30 Second.
This week's featured comedian.
There's a bowl in the front of my pants.
There's not one.
I mean, if anyone has shit in my front pockets,
I'll throw you off the scent.
You see this gut ladies?
Yes sir.
I'm not a eating shit girl.
I'll get y'all to see if there's any time
to just put some squirrel covers over our way.
Squirrel covers.
You'll think about that later on tonight.
You'll put up in your mouth and cum a little bit.
Either way, I'm doing the lowest work ever.
You use headphones or no headphones?
Yeah, I'm gonna use them.
I like to hear Dom's voice.
Me too.
It's real directly into my ears.
All right.
Damn girl.
Who do we have here today, JJ?
I'm torn, dude.
Why?
I'm real torn.
I'm not a guest.
I really do.
I'm not looking forward to what we have to do this episode.
They don't know what we gotta do, JJ.
They're gonna find out, dude.
They're gonna find out.
But how about you tell us about our guest today?
Our guest today, actually the second person ever
I saw perform standup comedy in person.
Second person ever.
Dos.
He's on the new Be Kind, Don't Rewind podcast
that drops every Thursday over on the studio
Jest or YouTube channel.
And he's a hell of a comedian.
Guys, today we have Ogre.
Hey!
Thank you for coming on, big dog.
Oh, hello.
I'm still favorite, one of my favorites.
Oh my God, Ogre, when you go up there, it's a pleasure.
It is.
I always tell people, I tell you,
I tell people all the time about whenever the first time
Men was at Shenanigans, and you won,
and you won because oh my God.
And you just went, she loved it too.
I just wanted to tell five minutes of dumb jokes.
That's what it was like.
So tell us about your podcast.
What you got with the great Kim.
This is where we take movies that you watch
when you were younger or whatever.
You have fond memories of,
and we just go back and watch them again.
And if they didn't age well, we shit all over them.
And if they were good, then we praise them or whatever.
It's been really fun so far.
Oh, it's fun.
I was on it and we had a great time.
Somebody else was on it recently, huh?
Yeah, yeah, our sweet little baby boy Brandon.
Hey, be spooked.
What'd y'all watch?
We watched Rocky, the world's best movie.
You wanna tell them all about our bed now?
So, you know, when I watch Rocky, I get motivated.
I got motivated at the wrong time.
Put up some eggs.
I like to do that shit.
So now we're here and we're gonna eat rotten eggs.
I mean raw eggs.
Raw eggs, not rotten, raw eggs.
Two, not one, two.
We're not pussies.
Hell yeah.
And they got me and JJ to go along
who had no idea about this.
But somehow we're involved.
I'm not gonna be the guy that doesn't do the egg.
Come on, we're all doing them.
I smelled them earlier and I thought my asshole
was about to fall out of my body.
Goodness.
That took a turn, man.
Yeah.
The great Kimberly Wilson's gonna present us.
Thank you.
Beautiful eggs.
I do that when I do it.
I want a square one.
I mean a circle.
They're all circles.
All right.
Got it.
Shapes.
That's actually the most circular one.
Yeah.
It don't matter, they're all full of fucking eggs, man.
Oh yeah.
Here you go, here you go.
Oh yeah, Jack's doing one too.
All right.
Brandon, you're first.
Let me take this off just to be safe.
Can I get the bucket just in case?
Yeah.
You got a trash can.
Right there.
Take it, my buddy.
Unreal.
You're getting greedy.
You're getting greedy with what you're doing.
Careful.
All right.
All right, y'all ready?
Ready.
You ready?
Yeah.
You brought this shit on yourself.
Let's go, Brandon.
Nothing.
That's it.
Let's let it sit there for a second.
You good?
Yeah, I'm good.
Your face is like something.
I'm good.
That's it.
All right.
Is it on you, JJ?
Yeah, dude.
Oh, yeah.
I'll wait for this one.
Just don't think about it.
Oh my gosh.
The level of I don't wanna do this.
I'm with you.
Oh.
Shit.
Shit, don't think about it.
Swallow it.
You're gonna make it in lock up.
Swallow it.
No.
Oh, no.
I can't do it, man.
I understand.
I can't do it.
Dude.
Well.
Did you swallow any of it?
No, man.
No, dude.
Shit.
I don't wanna do this.
Just gotta think about it.
I don't wanna do this, but I'ma do it.
You done?
Are you gonna try to swallow it again?
Go around.
I'll come back to it, man.
He said I'll come back to it.
Just like swallow it and go.
Just don't think about it.
Don't look at it.
All right.
I did.
I got it.
It's a sipping drink.
Yeah.
Don't stop.
Oh, if I could do it, bro.
Stop trying to make me laugh.
I have to.
I'm doing this.
You can do it, bro.
I can't do it, bro.
You almost did it.
I can't do it.
You almost got one to your mouth.
You almost did it.
These are real.
I don't think I can do it.
I don't think I can physically do it, bro.
I couldn't make myself swallow it, man.
Fuck outta here!
He's so angry.
Why is he angry, dude?
That's real.
That's real right here, Ogre.
Why you gotta eye fuck me?
I didn't do shit.
You brought this to the table.
No, that was your boy over there.
Not me.
Your chest all poked out.
I just called him on his bullshit.
Oh, God.
Need some salt.
I was thinking about putting a little salt and pepper in it.
A little salt would've made it go down way smoother.
Put Tabasco or something, Texas Pete.
Yeah.
Are y'all ready for me now?
Ready for you.
I'm still in there.
Bitch asses.
Hell yeah.
Come on.
Jack.
All right, so.
Breakfast, that's it.
Yeah.
Hey, can you do his camera, Athena,
over to Jack a little bit?
Yeah.
Me and Sean, okay.
Oh, I just want it, yeah.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Oh my God, JJ, me and you are just bitches.
Now everybody else did it, so I have to do it.
I have to drink out of this fucking bowl.
You got it.
Don't think about it.
You just gotta swallow it, it's all the way.
Oh, he keeps on putting, he can't do it.
Hold on, I'm gonna put some music on for him.
They're gone, dude.
Oh, you did it?
I did.
Oh man.
I did them one at a time.
And I have you know, when I spit these out,
like I spit after that too.
Let me drink the water.
So actually you guys are pussies.
You just better be glad you drank them finally,
if you haven't even held my pocket after this.
Oh shit.
That's an easy 20 gram protein, dude.
Best intro to a fucking podcast you ever seen.
We did it.
Hell yeah.
I was way more nervous for that
than any standup set I've ever done, man.
It didn't feel right when it hit the lips.
You have to, you can't let it touch you.
I'm supposed to eat it like that.
You just gotta ignore it.
I'm like, oh it's trying to kick out, try to run.
I am gonna cheat this over here though.
Yeah.
They come back to haunt me, man.
I've eaten eggs way worse, shout out Huddle House.
We did it.
Oh my gosh, man.
So, Ogre, you're a Huntsville favorite.
I haven't met anybody who says they don't love you
or you're fucking material.
You're a fucking monster.
I just want you to know that.
And you know, I said it on the podcast when Kim was here,
but I thought you didn't like me at first.
Cause I'll try to give you a fist bump.
I probably didn't see you at first.
Yeah, I know.
I didn't realize you were blind as shit.
So, I was like, damn man, Ogre doesn't like me.
You don't want Ogre not to like you.
We love to fucking have you.
I'm so happy to be a part of the scene with you, bro.
Big dog.
So yeah, just look, I just try to do it again.
I'm blind as shit.
You trying to drink some more of it?
No.
Oh, I know, what the fuck you doing?
I'm blind as shit and I know I look racist as fuck,
but I'm completely colorblind.
Like everybody's just gray.
Everybody.
Everybody's aliens.
I like when you called up, we were at Shag Nasty's,
you called somebody a blur.
And she was like, who is he talking to?
You're the blur.
You're a fuzzy bitch, you know what I'm talking about.
Oh shit.
You wanna talk about that joke you did at Shag Nasty's
that you messed up?
Oh my God.
I think that's what we should talk about.
I knew it, soon as it happened.
I got a joke where I say I know I look racist or whatever
and I say how I haven't said colored in three weeks
and I was talking about colored pencils
I still took a talking to.
But then I go, where's all my black people at?
But I had just got done saying the word colored.
So I said, where are my colored people at?
Out loud into a fucking microphone.
I was like, well, that shit just happened.
And all you do is just keep going.
I'm like, well, did I hit my ass with the parking lot
or not?
And it went, I think it went over most people's heads.
Everybody's just like, oh, that's part of his bed.
Well, we were.
It looks like he says that.
If you're gonna do it, Shag Nasty's is the place to do it.
That is true, that is true.
I'm still crying from this shit.
I really have tears in my eyes right now.
I think we're getting nothing.
It wasn't that bad.
No, it's not bad now.
It wasn't bad.
I'm over with it.
I feel like I have a parasite inside of me, man.
I mean, I don't wanna eat no raw bacon
to finish out the grand slam or nothing.
No, no, no.
That's too far there.
How long you been doing stand up?
Juno be six years.
Damn.
Hell yeah, man.
That vet.
And you've been on a lot of shit.
I try.
You know what I'm saying?
I've been on as much shows as I can get a ride to.
I wanna know about this.
They don't let you drive?
Fuck no, they don't let me drive.
I thought I saw a video you driving, man.
Oh, you saw the end of it too, didn't you?
Fiery wreck.
Yeah.
I plowed into my buddy's trailer.
For real?
Yeah, my son had a Crown Vic
and he let me drive it in my buddy's field.
And I got him, I just fucking hammered down.
I whipped it around a couple of times
and drove straight into the side
of a little pull behind trailer.
Are you fucking serious?
Did you not see a video, dude?
No, I didn't see the video.
I sent it to him.
Oh, unbelievable.
You said you sent it to him?
I don't think I did.
I sent it to, I might have, hell yeah.
It was on Instagram probably, I sent it to you.
No, with Instagram, you know, that's a hit text message.
Don't tell the people out there,
but I don't fuck with that shit.
He looks like tech sport, doesn't know how to use it.
Yeah.
You're probably better at Instagram than me for sure.
My glasses don't really have to see, I'll be all right.
For a blind guy, I send a lot of people
a bunch of dumb shit.
Oh, you sent me some amazing stuff, man.
Free Bird on the Harp?
Dude.
I've never seen anything like it, man.
She has an awesome cover of Queen's Love of My Life too.
That's pretty good.
Damn, is she hot?
Oh my gosh.
She's pretty.
I'm so damn old now at this point,
I feel like an old pervert saying anybody's hot
other than Kathy Bates.
Shout out Kathy Bates.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You said her name, Kathy Bates.
Kathy Bates.
Oh, Brandon doesn't know who that is.
Yeah, I don't know who that is.
You probably do.
Yeah, you're saying it, you know who it is.
She has one of the best movies where she hits a dude's legs.
Misery.
Misery, misery.
I just watched that not too long ago.
She was Unsinkable Molly Brown and the Titanic.
Yep.
Man, wonderful.
She was the mama on the Waterboy.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah.
My mama said it.
She get it.
A buddy of mine was like,
would you rather sleep with Kathy Bates or Nicole Kidman?
And I was like, I think I'd rather sleep with Kathy Bates.
I feel like she'd appreciate it more.
And you're right.
I'm with you.
Yeah.
Did who, Nicole Kidman?
Yeah.
Let's see.
Doesn't do anything for me.
Uh-uh.
She used to be hot.
She had creepy, skinny old witch hands now.
Yeah.
There's something about her like,
like she's not there behind the eyes.
She just looks like a villain, man.
Yeah.
Like Game of Thrones.
She's too many eyes wide shut parties.
Oh, right.
Oh.
Would you go to the P. Diddy party?
What do I do?
If he was like, he was like,
Oh, great.
He seen you do stand up.
He's like, hey, come on.
Let's go over, stop by.
I'd get me a pair of Chastity Boxers first.
Yes.
I like rap, but not that much.
Who's?
I didn't see shit.
That's true.
I heard a lot, but I didn't see nothing.
Yeah.
That's a win.
So look, you were doing a comedy through the pandemic.
All right.
Used to do drive-through shows.
I never did one of the drive-through shows.
You're drinking whiskey.
I smell from here.
Of course I'm drinking whiskey.
Do you know who I am?
Oh yeah.
I'm fully aware.
You always smell like that, dude.
Yeah.
Good old whiskey.
Well, you got to drown the eggs down with whiskey.
That's the only way.
Really?
I don't know, man.
Drive-through?
Yeah, I didn't do any of the,
it was like the drive-in at Shenanigans
when they were, when the pandemic,
they were the only one performing.
So you had to sit in your car.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah, yeah, I didn't do that.
Oh, okay, okay.
Somebody's getting a whooping after this.
He's not telling me to tell a guy.
He advertises all the shows.
Oh yeah, okay.
I advertise the fuck out of Shenanigans.
It's an awesome place.
He's nice to the person.
He doesn't just do his own shit.
Yeah.
Shout out Shenanigans.
Hell yeah.
You know what else, you know what else
Shenanigans is doing?
On May 10th, Killer Clowns, live show.
It will be badass.
We got crowd participation, bucket pool spots.
I'm so worried JJ's about to lose it right now.
Are you okay?
No, dude, I'm just like Rocky, dude.
I got knocked down, but I'm getting back up.
What's wrong?
You didn't hear no bell.
Holy shit.
What happened?
I don't know, man.
I think they made me drunk a little bit, dude.
I know.
With them eggs?
Yeah.
I feel different, bro.
I'll never be the same.
Something about two raw eggs just summons
the inner bitch in you.
Come on now, sack up on me.
Make it stronger, man.
Strong like bull.
How you gonna beat Apollo Creek, you know?
How you gonna beat him?
I'm not fighting him, dude.
Oh, no, no.
Rocky did.
What will be, all right, so your podcast,
please be kind, don't rewind, right?
Saying that right, because I got dyslexia,
so sometimes I switch words around.
But what will be your movie from your childhood?
Oh, man.
I don't even know.
You gotta give us one.
I wanna say Princess Bride, but that's.
Okay, that was good.
Yeah, probably Princess Bride.
Andre the Giant.
Well, Brandon, I think you and Ogre
got something to talk about.
Oh, yeah.
Favorite era. He's been excited about this.
He's been so excited about this.
Yeah.
Love the 80s wrestling.
Oh, yeah.
That's better than anything today.
Oh, he said Andre the Giant was my hero,
not because we're both abnormally large,
but I too will probably be dead of a heart attack at 46.
Yeah.
Look at Brandon's face.
They can't even put Andre back in.
Yeah, he said, cover your ears, Andre.
You don't need to hear that shit.
You don't know yet, it's okay.
Yeah.
I ain't nobody told him.
10 years.
Nah, he knows.
Yeah, my dad, he had a little,
like a little ceramic basset hound.
I know what you're talking about.
You know what I'm talking about?
I know exactly what you're talking about.
He had one of those, and after he died,
I was cleaning his apartment out,
and I set the basset hound in the pasture seat
of my work truck, and I was unloading everything
at the house, and my wife was all like,
did you get everything?
And I covered the little dog's ears up.
I said, shh, he don't know yet.
He said, what the hell wrong with you?
Oh, yeah, that's me with anything, man.
I don't care if I'm talking about anybody
I covered their ears.
She knows.
Can I sub Jack in, dude?
I'm about to be sick.
You for real?
Yeah.
Hell.
Oh man, I am so sick.
Come on, Jack.
Oh my gosh, man.
Oh man, I feel bad.
I do.
I don't feel bad.
I just lost sound, though, somewhere.
You did?
Yeah, just to make sure the things are sitting there.
So look, everybody, Jack.
Uh-huh.
Barely a difference.
It's just a little bigger.
I was looking over there when I was talking about
the live podcast we're gonna do,
and I was looking at him, I was like,
oh, he's really hurting.
He was like, linked down in the chair.
I hope you can see it.
Oh, he was just like, oh shit.
He lost all spine control and shit.
Hell yeah.
He was all bowed up.
He had his hands right in front of his belly.
It was, you could see it.
Yeah, me too.
Once he finished it, I knew.
I knew this shit was going over.
You guys talk shit about him in the comments, please.
He needs this.
I throwed up.
Oh.
Oh, Lord.
Jack, what'd you find funny about O'Reilly
in all your research?
He said nothing.
Everything about him.
Everything about him's funny.
I know you had a, you saw,
we put down that you stole three kidneys
and used one, at least one for a transplant.
So.
Fair enough.
What happened to the other two?
The two I originally, my original equipment
petered out on me because I got a lazy ass pancreas.
So you got a lot of what,
and you went, what happened when you went blind?
What caused it?
Yeah.
Oh, I was at work and caught an 1800 pound
dishwasher machine in the side of the head
and knocked both my retinas loose.
God damn.
Could always be worse, I mean.
Yeah, probably not.
Waiting for the Lord in this big old dick.
I don't know what I'd do.
I love it because you keep on rolling with the punches
and you're the funniest motherfucker.
Everybody knows that they gotta follow you.
It's gonna be a problem.
It is.
Every time you come out, that's a treat for all of us.
We get to see it.
This hat's getting tight on my big ass head,
y'all are giving me.
You deserve it, dude, I'm telling you.
You're like, whenever I first came in,
it was like a lure because I would only see you
at shenanigans, right?
And then you and Heath, if you guys don't know,
he's the one that went with Heath down to Austin.
Yeah.
And then I talked to Heath right before that
and he was like, he's going with you.
And that's the time I thought you still didn't like me
because I didn't get a fifth.
But every time I see you go up, it was so badass.
How'd you like Austin?
It was pretty cool.
We hit a bunch of open mics.
We didn't eat barbecue the whole time we were there.
You didn't?
Uh-uh.
Oh, dude.
You come with me.
Oh yeah.
We're going to Terry Black's.
Ooh.
Yeah, we had fun.
It was, our lives definitely changed after we got back
from that flight to Austin.
What happened?
Well, he came back and then stayed a week,
got rid of his dog and moved back to Austin
and blew up on Kiltonia.
I got back and went to the emergency room
and had half my foot removed.
It's been a month in the hospital.
So about the same.
Yeah, same me, same fucking thing.
Both got a story out of it.
Yeah.
Yeah, both had a cool story.
Yeah, now you're back walking around.
Hell yeah.
Like a fucking G.
Yeah, it's just weight reduction, baby.
I'm faster.
More aerodynamic.
And the foot didn't slow you down.
I heard, I saw you did some wheelchair comedy.
I did.
Yeah, I was already booked.
Fuck it, I can't go cancel a show.
What'd you do, what'd you do that at?
Across that aisle, Ash Kennedy had me booked on a show.
Oh, okay, okay.
Oh yeah, I was there for that one, I remember that.
Yeah, that was a good show.
Hell yeah.
I went up there with a wheelchair
and fucked him up there.
And did amazing.
I did roll up comedy, I ain't scared.
I went from the wheelchair to crutches
to back in my stylish yet affordable New Balances.
Did you notice if you got more laughs in the wheelchair
or if it helped you at all?
I think it was more of a aw.
Em's trying.
Yeah.
I forgot about that.
I ain't no teller.
Hold on, I gotta think about it.
Brandon, hit him with one of your wrestlers
because he's been wanting to talk to you
about this for a minute.
Well, since we're talking, we basically got through.
First I need to know if you were an LJN fan,
you said you had all of them.
And then the dog fucked some of them up,
which really hurt me inside,
especially being a former collector.
And yeah, that's all I got to say about wrestling, man.
If you fuck with the action figures, that's my big fan.
I had bought some more probably five or six years ago,
just the other kids fuck with them or whatever.
And I got rid of them because another little kid
in the neighborhood wanted some shit or whatever.
So I gave him a bunch of fucked ton of Hot Wheels
and all those wrestling figures.
Only one I kept was Superfly Jimmy Snuka.
You mean the LJN Superfly Snuka one or the other one?
I don't know, I bought them at the yard sale,
I don't even know what kind they were.
My blind ass couldn't tell you.
I'm not even entirely sure if Superfly Jimmy Snuka.
It's just some dude.
I was like, I don't give a shit.
That's Superfly Jimmy Snuka to me.
Yeah, but the reason I was excited
is because I've never found anybody
that loves the golden era of wrestling.
Everybody talked about today and Attitude,
but nobody ever talks about Jake.
They're talking about stopping today,
and stopping.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I didn't even notice.
I was so into it.
I was like.
It says glucose monitor.
You good?
Oh, they die one hell.
I know how I thought I heard that.
That would be great.
Yeah.
That would be great views.
Hey, Jack.
Hey, man.
Whatever from the pond.
Jack Douglas with the left hook.
Yeah, come in hot.
Cut this bitch off.
You ain't got cuttin' out, huh?
I can see you're all right now.
I'm good.
She was checking if I was good.
You guys better be good.
I mean, I was a bitch at first,
but now it's all down.
No, I'm perfect now.
I can have two more.
We got two left?
There's two left?
You see it?
You just spoon full of oil.
Oh, come on, man.
Y'all challenged me.
No, I'm not.
Maybe.
You have to worry.
You may have to worry.
No, look, this is what I was gonna tell you.
So everybody out there look at me.
Ogre, I know he's partially blind,
but he said I look like Big Jay Okerson.
Yeah.
I look like Big Jay.
What's wrong with that?
I don't look like Big Jay Okerson.
Okay, let's see.
I'm searching in my mind.
But I love Big Jay.
I see you got a shout out from him.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Would you do a show with him or?
No.
What's this guy fucked up?
He came to Stand Up Live,
and I happened to have a show
the eighth of the next month or whatever.
And so I was like, oh man,
he came out to do the meet and greet.
He waited till everybody had fanned out or whatever.
And so he comes out and I'm talking to him.
I was like, it'd be so fucking cool
if you would record a promo for me.
Because it was my first time to perform
at Maggie Myers at the time,
and I was featuring for Mark Viola.
Okay.
I was like, it'd be so cool if you record a promo for me.
He's like, yeah, man, I'll do that.
And I didn't tell him my fucking name or nothing.
He just, he's all like, what's got nine fingers
and lots of laughs or whatever.
And then.
That's badass.
I was listening to the Bonfire,
the podcast he did with Dan Soder,
now it's Bobby Kelly.
But they were talking about meeting fans
and doing meet and greet and stuff.
He's like, oh yeah, I don't mind.
I'll take a picture with anybody.
I really hate those assholes
that want you to record videos.
And I was like, I wonder if he means me.
Because it was like the next fucking week.
Damn.
He remembers you.
Excuse me, I'm gonna fucking hang myself now.
Hello, Big J though.
He comes down here, like one of the comedians.
He was in Nashville a lot.
Nashville, okay.
Yeah.
Well, he was here for Burt Kreischer's.
Affiliate auditor, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where I seen him.
Me and Kimberly went to that.
Okay, do you know what's fucking crazy?
I didn't know any, I don't think I ever did stand up
at this time.
And everybody I talked to was there.
Everybody, now you were there, Kim was there.
I think Dan hosted the shirt, what's that shit called?
Take Your Shirt Off, Best Dad By.
It was like a Best Dad By competition.
JJ was in it.
So, and they didn't even know, it's like,
all this is so crazy.
Like Jaylen, Alex, I can't remember who else,
but they were all right there, like in almost diagonally.
We probably seen each other multiple times, that's crazy.
Patrick was there too, I remember.
Pat was there, why'd you call him Patrick?
Oh, it's just, I don't know why I do that.
Sometimes I'll be like Pat or Patrick.
It's Pat.
Big Pat, big bold pressure.
Big Pat.
What's that, you got any good comedian stories?
People like behind the scenes?
Oh man, not that I can get anybody in trouble with
and I'm no fun.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't need tea to spill.
It can be a crazy, like when somebody told me that
like Chris Catan was hyped up in the stand up live
dressing room, it's something like that.
Oh yeah.
Donny Baker, he's passed away now.
Shout out to RIP Ron Sexton.
But that was probably the chillest cool dude in person.
Like when he wasn't on stage being just a lunatic,
he was just all calm, real sweet.
He was a nice guy.
See those are the good ones.
Yeah, I got to open for him one time.
Oh that's good.
At stand up live, it was awesome.
Hell yeah.
You like opening it for people, like the bigger names?
I mean yeah, they cut that check at the end of the weekend.
It's nice.
I didn't argue with that.
But are the crowds like receptive to you?
Cause you know they're there to see somebody else.
Oh yeah, yeah.
When you get up, how do they use it?
Are they usually hyped about it?
Or is it like medium or low level?
I'm usually up on stage while they're getting
their drink orders and shit.
So I'm there to keep it occupied until the feature
gets up there.
I love doing it though.
Okay.
A few times I've gotten to do it.
I always wondered how that would be.
Same here.
It's fun.
Go ahead, go ahead.
I was gonna ask, how many places have you traveled to?
How many places have you performed at?
Oh fuck.
All over the southeast.
I've done a bunch in Florida, Mississippi, Georgia,
Tennessee, obviously Alabama, Indiana once.
I get around anywhere I can get a ride to man.
I know you went to what?
Niceville, Florida with Roy Hairston.
Yeah, yeah.
Me and Roy used to travel a whole bunch
before my foot decided it wanted to be on a sale half off.
Yeah.
A wild story.
Roy, he's not there.
And Panama City Beach.
And the deal we had was we had an open tab at the bar
we were doing the show at.
And I was drinking these craft,
there was like a little microbrewery craft soda shop
or whatever.
And they were like $8 diet sodas.
I drank about nine of them some bitches.
But Roy was drinking like $17 glasses of mead.
And he was fucking gone.
So we.
Hell is this the 1400s?
He's drinking mead.
Yeah, wait what is mead?
It's just honey.
It's like a honey wine instead of mead fruit.
But we was talking shit to these guys
that were playing chess before the show started.
And then Roy's up there just sloshed
and he's like man I'm done with this show.
I'm gonna whoop y'all's ass at chess.
And they were like whatever.
So these guys stuck around.
He mainly sat and they'd stay around and watch the show
or whatever.
But after the show Roy's still over
and just like slumps in the chair.
And just when I say spank their fucking ass at chess,
it was sad.
The first game was sad.
Oh, he's a beast like that.
Yeah, he snuck up on him.
They got him.
Put money on it?
No, I didn't put no money on it.
It was just a fuck you.
You think you're gonna beat me because I'm a comedian.
But yeah, the next time we came down there
to the show again, we didn't have an open tab anymore.
Hell, dog.
We ruined it for everybody.
I think it was like a two drink free or whatever.
Okay, okay.
I've met him one time at an apartment show.
Yeah, he's a nice guy.
Yeah, he was cool.
Where does he do comedy?
He's in Fort Payne.
Okay, okay, Fort Payne.
He just started an open mic out there too
on Sundays I believe.
He used to host the open mic at the station.
Yeah, he did a lot.
Box car.
Right around here.
Really?
So he would drive all the way here to host that?
Yeah.
Damn.
As Oker?
You used to host an open mic over at the Huntsville
International Airport?
I did.
For real?
Yeah, I wasn't too far into comedy actually.
And my wife was a waitress there at the restaurant
and the manager was all like,
yeah sure, whatever, you can do it.
I'm the one, I know it's not surprising,
but I'm the one that got it canceled
for saying the phrase the N word.
I didn't say the N word.
I said T-H-E space N space word
and they canceled the shed of it.
Really?
Yeah.
Huh.
I'm like, all right, whatever.
They paid me in beer and food so I'm like,
oh well, I guess I don't get free chicken wings.
Oh well.
Hold on, you guys are getting money for hosting things?
Yeah.
For real.
What?
I get 10% off at Pleasures.
Ooh.
Got one down on Tuesdays.
Oh yeah.
That's a good deal.
Yeah.
I want to buy one of those.
I get sex toys, guys.
Yeah, I want to buy one of those half torsos.
It's just the ass.
I was thinking about it.
I want to put some boy,
if I didn't have a daughter living at home, I would.
I want to get one of those and put boy shorts on it
and just leave it on the coffee table
which you see me and my friends walk by
and slap it on the ass because you got to.
You got to.
Yeah, you got to.
Oh hell yeah.
They'll break down and smack it.
Yeah.
Oh, the first time.
Yeah.
You have to smack it to see.
Is it really?
So how much those cost?
I'm just wondering.
Like just, I would go one.
I'm not trying to.
I'm not trying to buy one.
I think at Pleasures,
like you can get one for like 60 bucks, I believe.
They don't hand them out.
Yeah, I think it depends on the material too.
How realistic are you willing to get?
Okay.
How realistic do you want, Brandon?
Well, you know, my bro, Amito, he would like.
Sure.
Let's see.
I mean, he likes realistic shit.
$60, that's not a bad deal these days, I heard.
Back in the day, it was like.
I'm pretty sure that's one of the ones
on the lower end, so.
Yeah.
60 is probably what you can probably.
Two fling balls don't tape together.
I'm guessing too, I don't know.
Okay.
The whole body's like 1,500.
Dang it.
For real?
Was that with the head and everything?
One of those things?
With the head and everything, like you get wigs,
like you get accessories.
It's like just going. With the head and everything.
Yeah.
Don't say it all.
The least important part.
Like that's the part that I'm not worried about.
Yeah.
So we in the future, right?
Are we at that point where there's one
that you click a button and it moves around
and just gets ready for you?
Like.
I don't think so.
I think that would be scary right now.
Because if one switch, you know what I'm saying,
your shit's fucked up.
Oh man.
You know what I'm saying?
You seen that Whitney Cummings special
where she's got her, she made the sex robot
and she brings it out or whatever on stage?
It's pretty fucking funny.
Let me see.
Yeah, I seen, she had it like on her podcast,
just sitting there a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah, after she got done.
It does look just like her too.
It's creepy.
Yeah.
I see, I don't think I could bang her.
First of all, I'm not moving.
I think moving it is worse than banging it.
Like if it was just appeared in your bed, yeah.
So it's not morally wrong, you're just lazy.
Yeah.
I'm with you.
I mean, no, I think, I think.
I don't know when I'm moving.
That bitch is heavy.
It's a workout.
Look, that's the whole thing to do this.
Damn.
I just, I mean, like when I'm busting and jacking off,
I mean, I just need just a little video and that's it.
I don't want to do a whole bunch of other shit.
I don't get the appeal of it. I'm being honest now. I'm talking about it more
Yeah, I'm about the economics of time. Yeah
Then I'm gonna get out, you know the post nut clarity after bang one of these days. Oh, yeah
Yeah, you're probably damn. They're suiciders. I go what am I doing myself? I used to be something
Time to go get the glass one and clean her out
I don't show that shit in the dawn commercial
Dude that's a good commercial. I guess good idea did just how good are those magic erasers?
That work for some people oh, that's how you clean it tired of your hog closet smelling like bleach
Clean your fuck doll. It's how this man is every day
You get nothing but bangers and when you watch please
Please be kind don't rewind damn it
Be kind don't rewind I gotta write the first time though. Yes, he did. Why am I adding please most death? Who's Jack Black?
Have you seen the be kind don't rewind movie? Oh, yeah
So it's like a
VHS store like one of the last ones is it not called it. No, it was most death that owned it. Yeah, let me do it
Rewind okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah
Mm-hmm cuz you don't have to rewind cuz you're just watching with friends. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I remember this. It's good
You have you have two episodes out now. Yeah. Yeah
We've done lady in the trance
I'm gonna go with the
Lady in the tramp and
Molly reroll 16 candles 16 candles. Yeah. Yeah, I just watched it
I was I was telling Kim I was laughing at the end you were like
I've watched this try to watch the movie six times and steal this in in part. I've never seen it
Oh, yeah, and then we did scary movie absolutely hey and that's a banger
I would I mean I went back and watched it and had just as much fun as I did the first hundred times or whatever
I watched that movie. I love it. We both were like me and you had a lot of the same
time stamps
That's good stuff. What one of my favorite characters that it's like he's not a main character. He's only in it
Probably four scenes, but Sydney's dad
Yeah, Sydney's dad is so good
He comes up he's like I gotta go away, you know, remember uncle uncle ex Escobar
Some things went missing a couple legs when they're broken. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it
But I like you something on the table
He's talking about coke. He's like he's like you got to step on it with
Bacon soda not baking powder because you don't want to have muffins growing out of their nose
You always love that joke ever since you were two years old
That's a wild thing to say to your daughter
Oh, man, but yeah, it was a great time that's gonna be a good one
All right, that's gonna jog some memories for especially people at least 30
Five and older. Yeah
Because when that movie came out, it was big it was huge and then it got and then it was it. I'm sorry
It was it was used for yeah
It was it did pretty damn good there for a while. It was in the theaters. It was more of a
Like a rental thing, I think that's where I watched it rental. Yeah, I couldn't even get into the movies to watch
So I wouldn't made a money back in the day. You can't even go in the movies all time. Hell no
You from here? Well, I'm from Hartzell. Yeah, okay. So did you guys have a movie theater and how many movies did it play?
the Decatur had a
movie theater and like it was
Four or five screens. Okay, so I grew up where they had two screens
So it's just like a they had a big room and then they had a small room. So we didn't even get all the movies
It would just be like the most popular too. But scary movies on there. So I figured it'd be what about you?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean I am from here. So there was a bunch of theaters. Okay, there was
Plenty to see we got all the movies. We got everything
They I wasn't hurting there and when did the when did the movie prices go up so much?
When did that happen? It was like 2000 and I
Say for damn that's around the time I was born. Oh
No, I wish I was there I wish go outside and sit in the car
I envy those times though, man. I wish I was there when I came out
Remember the first the first movie I ever went to the movies to watch dad took me and my sister to the I think it
Was the dollar movie to watch nine to five that Dolly Parton movie. Oh, yeah working nine to five
working nine to five
Real fun for a small boy
Which did you ever give us your movie no you never gave us your movie oh
Yeah, it was a princess bride. Oh, yeah princess bride. That's what new one
Oh, yeah, I'm great II fucking giant my guy
Now listen, nobody out drinking him. You know, no good luck trying he will flip your car over
That's bad man
That dude was so dope. He got the same hairstyle to look at that shit
Braddock it entertains to entertain herself with this for days. I
Never seen princess bride though. I got it's funny. I know I never funny shit
I just remember the only thing like I can tell you about them some movies. I just know the object like the matrix
I've never seen all the matrix. I've only seen the new one, but I could tell you about that car every day
Hold on. What do you mean? You only seen the new matrix like the newest one they ever made. That's the only one I've seen
What I've never seen like the first one. I haven't seen the first one dude
Good lord, even if it's just the first one just watch the first one. Okay, I'm not saying watch all of them
pale golf bought trench coats
He's already drinking eggs here, yeah, yeah, yeah pull over the trench coat they already
Yeah, I remember I was my first comedy show
They thought I was the trench coat guy over the back and they were like, I don't know my first time seeing shows
He like look like from the blow this place up. I
Don't know who it was
So you were in the back of that your first comedy show going to I don't know I watch it
I was just a audience member in the back. Uh, just watch it
Blow it up on the first bat. I was like damn. I'm just trying to support you. You know me
You're looking creepy
I would have stood up and be like hey, it's nothing in there. They wouldn't have known at the time would have probably died
I can't say nothing. I've had my trench coat now about 24 years
Damn for real. Yeah, my trench coat is older than my kid
Jesus
That's pre Columbine. So is it? Yeah
I mean I got one with a hoodie on I thought Columbine was 99. It was
It was 99 I wasn't there you bought it. Hold on. That means you bought it the year Columbine 98
98 okay. Okay. Let's see what you're right before
Okay, so that was 1999 April 20th. So you're still safe. Okay. Oh, yeah
I bought one of my first paychecks for my big boy job. What was that?
I'm working my fat ass off in a wood drill plant in Hartzell
Wood drill. Mm-hmm. What do you do that big wooden spools? They put the power line. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's as simple as okay. Okay
Is that how you lost the finger? No, that's how I lost a hundred and something pounds over a summer
Middle of summer a big-ass metal building working your ass off. That'll do it. Yeah. Yeah
That's the glow. I need to do that job right now. I'm a tree getting paid
Hmm. Oh, I was just saying I need to do that too. He's somebody do it. We'll do it together now
You can't lose a hundred pounds no more Brandon. What not 100 probably I can lose I can lose a hundred and and just be a
regular person
Minus a hundred
I look like look like Jack Skeleton Nightmare Before Christmas. I've seen a little bit of that
Like I said, he was proud of so I've seen a little bit
Brandon how many times have you seen Madagascar 2? Oh
Man, I've seen the whole series quite a bit
I can't even tell you about that number three is the least one I've seen know with that little circus shit
Uh-huh, but uh number two
Could I had that moment?
Have you ever heard the moment I have Madagascar 2 that was the last time I shit myself
Who's like five years old we were just
And then something happened I said oh shit
It happened and I waited like five minutes
No, you know I had to figure out a way to tell this guy and then his family came in there
His mom and dad were arguing what I am in the back from trying to figure out what to do me
Well, cuz I was uh, yeah
Nobody expected that we didn't have extra clothes
Said it's a tickle fight now waiting
Cuz I used to happen sometimes I remember a kid recess would do that he just jump out of nowhere and
He's on a watch list
I'm a fucking moose in a neighborhood. He's got knock on doors and do some explaining and we would always are a man or
Janitor he loved to shout out mr. Jenkins
I don't fucking know. Yeah, best shoulder rubs. I missed it elementary school
You got any streets trying to get to
We told him he was he was asking well sci-fi I won't say we
Cuz he told us he store like when the first
I think couple months and he was over here telling sci-fi like we were like
God, I thought you gotta listen to this each one and he was like look usually I don't victim blame
But it sounded like you were asking
To trust worth it back then I didn't know somebody asked you yeah candy. I'll see you really got candy
And I thought I was tough too. Like my mom's like, what do they put you in the truck?
I like good luck trying to get my ass in the truck to do 80 years old. What the fuck is he gonna do to me?
I didn't know I was like five man
I would have done gonna get you now now I've seen another thing that's weird to me. There's a ice cream truck, man
It's like a regular van. It's not even an official thing and it's in my girl's neighborhood
She knows I'm talking about so old man
Like he comes around at 7 o'clock every night and just plays that and nobody ever comes up to him
And I don't know what's going on
And I almost went up like to like now. Yeah. Yes now
Yeah, it's all the shit too, it's not official one I can tell because I'm looking at the stickers yeah
My sister
My sister and brother-in-law ran an ice cream truck in Hartsell there for a little while
and
She'll get mad when they hear me say this but uh
They had dropped one of the trucks off at a shop to get it worked on and so they were like hey the truck
Should you get picked up? It's already paid for you'll pick it up for us. I'm like, yeah sure
So I got a buddy to drop me off. Well, I grabbed my Marilyn Manson Antichrist superstar disk
And I blared that shit on the PA system all the way home just the beautiful people just rattling windows
Yeah
Yeah, all right, all right over this is the end of podcast it's been a hoot
Thank you Jack for filling in for JJ who's a bitch
Now what you're gonna do right now into this camera that me I'm pointing straight ahead you're just going to
You're just gonna say whatever you got your socials and we'll put it up on the side of you
And whatever you got coming up shows or anything. It'll be on the week. So whatever you got coming up. Okay
Was it ogre underscore comedy on Instagram?
It's ogre underscore space comedy and this is a picture of me. This is a ton of them fuckers on YouTube
but anyway, and then uh, let's see I'm on the
Comic-con that's the 13th in it
That's the 13th in it
Where shenanigans?
Yeah shenanigans is one of the official after party spots of the the comic-con
So we're doing stand-up comedy dressed up as characters and shit and I'm gonna be Frankenstein's monster
And then I believe the 18th we're doing
18th in that roast battle
The 18th we're doing a roast battle and I'm gonna be up against Carson Elmore. So
Try to come see me at some point because I'm probably getting canceled after the 19th
And if I make it past that the 27th, we're doing roast of the 80s and I'm gonna be Ronald Reagan
Oh damn, I want to see that. It's gonna be fun
Hell yeah, yeah, and the 25th I'm gonna be on
One of one of the
Thesaurus words that Scott uses for happy or good stuff comedy hours
Comedy hours
I love it on the 25th. Hell. Yeah. All right over. Thank you so much. It's been a fucking great time. Thank you