This is the Clown College Podcast.
We're just a couple open micers trying to make our way through the scene.
Where we interview comedians throughout different stages of their comedy career, no matter if
they're open micers, headliners, or traveling comedians.
I'm here too.
Jamie 2.0, I just talk a lot more.
Damn it Brandon!
Go sit in the corner.
Hell yeah dude, we're back.
Once again dude, we have a return man.
I got a boom arm now.
I'm feeling real fancy schmancy dude.
I'm going to have to get me one of those things huh?
I got you bro.
I know a guy.
You know somebody?
Wally.
Bram I'm trying to think, would you need a boom arm?
Would you want a boom arm dude?
Would you be interested?
Sure, I mean that's cool.
Boom arms are nice.
Boom arms right?
Is that what they call them?
Boom arm.
Boom houses.
It's like a horn.
Boom houses is what they call them.
Boom houses.
We're going boom from houses.
From King of the Hill.
I love King of the Hill.
I like that shirt Brandon.
Oh man I appreciate it.
I'm a big Spider-Man fan.
Okay, so can you name your top three superheroes?
Okay so first you got Deadpool of course.
Sick.
I mean you got to put Deadpool.
Yeah number one always.
Solid choice.
Then number two is Black Panther.
Hell yeah.
Number three is Spider-Man.
Number four Venom and number five Wolverine.
Okay fair.
Not all heroes but I'm more of an anti-hero person myself.
Yeah you got two or three anti-heroes in there.
Deadpool.
Three.
Deadpool.
Wolverine.
Wolverine an anti-hero?
Well I don't really know the comics that well but he's kind of just like a good guy because
he has to be.
Yeah man.
Because he's cool.
You know?
He's trying to bang one of the good guys.
So that's why he's a good guy.
Okay yeah that's true.
Yeah because he came from where Deadpool was at too.
They both like had that same place right?
Oh the testing facility?
Is that true?
I don't know the words.
Yeah I think so.
People probably so mad watching this.
Yeah right.
They're like what this nerdy shit?
No they probably know the lyrics.
Oh yeah you probably know everything I'm saying and wrong.
They're like that's dumb ass.
I mean we know Brandon but everybody else that's bad shit.
Aw dude you're breaking my heart man.
Oh shit yeah.
They're breaking it man.
How do I break the heart?
What happened?
So how you been?
Man I've been good but I got fucked up.
Very holy shit.
Listen here fucker.
What the fuck?
Hold up man.
Hey.
What the fuck?
What the fuck you doing here?
I'm here for you.
You here for me?
I'm here for you.
Stand up.
Hold on let me stand up.
Sit down.
Brandon don't listen to him.
Oh wait what the fuck?
You don't listen to him?
No man.
This is the, this is I come with an offering motherfucker.
Oh oh.
Do you believe this shit man?
What the hell is going on here?
Listen here I'm coming to save the Huntsville comedy scene from mediocre white comics like
this.
Oh shit.
I ain't white.
I'm not mediocre.
They're, they've done enough to sully the scene I have an offer for you.
Uh huh.
You are gonna help me host the What a Joke Comedy Open Mike at 7.30pm on Sundays and
the Fat Sammy's Comedy Open Mike every 8pm on Wednesdays.
Oh hell yeah.
We got too many mics going on.
We got Clown College has Pleasure Silver Bullet Mike at 7.30pm on Tuesdays.
And Shag Nasty's at 9.
Are you gonna let them gaslight you with these mics?
No I'm not.
I mean I'm gonna do them all.
I'm gonna do them all.
Before we make any rush judgements will you open up the video on QuickTime?
QuickTime?
To the left.
Not that?
Yeah that right there.
Make it full screen.
Alright.
Well then play that.
Today is the day that we are transferring over the powers of the Black Panther.
Oh hell yeah.
It fills my heart with great joy to let you know that the next Black Panther will be Brandon
Willis.
Oh hell yeah.
Let's go Brandon.
Oh shit.
There we go.
Hey Dante.
Oh shit.
Did I miss the audition?
Dante how you doing man?
Oh my god.
Oh sorry.
Oh I'm kind of cute.
What's up?
Oh god.
I'm practicing.
What's up Dante?
Yeah.
Oh god.
Did you know today is Brandon's birthday?
Oh my god.
I'm so excited.
Yeah.
Where did you come in?
Okay it's not ready.
It's not ready.
Let's get this out of the way so we can talk out.
Okay.
I'll go in the camera.
Okay.
Let's go.
Talk out.
I thought we were supposed to cut off Brandon from talking.
I thought that knock was for them to start.
Listen here, fuckers.
What the fuck?
What the fuck you doing here?
I'm here for you.
Stand up.
Sit down.
Now stand up again.
Don't listen to him.
Oh, wait, what the fuck?
You all listen to him.
I'm here for you.
Hello.
Thank you for tuning into this exclusive Moonshine News Report.
I'm Dan Price.
And I'm Sierra Moses.
A Florida man is suing General Motors and data company Lexus Nexis for selling his detailed
daily driving record to insurance companies that first refused to insure him and eventually
doubled his premiums.
The data collected and sold by GM included instances of heartbreaking, sudden acceleration,
multiple same-day visits to the same Tampa Gentleman's Club slash drive-through
daiquiri bar DUI Fridays. Alabama Governor Kay Ivey signed a law banning
diversity equity and inclusion programs at schools across the state. Students at
the University of Alabama were shocked saying we have one of those.
Administrators met to discuss the status of the school's only DEI program, the
Alabama football team. In political news, former President Trump said in a speech
last Saturday that if he does not win the election, quote, it's going to be a
bloodbath for the country. Responding to criticism about the remarks, Trump
defended his comments saying bloodbath was clearly a reference to America's
struggling auto industry, to which Boeing responded, what is the aviation industry?
March Madness is back and so is ISIS. The Islamic State claimed
responsibility for a shooting in a Moscow concert hall that killed over a
hundred people on Friday night. The tragic event is one of the deadliest in
Russia in decades. US officials warned Russian officials of a potential attack
earlier this month and decided now's the perfect time to remind them of that
because if there's one thing Americans love more than milking a tragedy, it's
saying I told you so. A trial in Oregon this week ended with the conviction of a
man for the 1980 murder of a college student in Portland. Investigators got a
break in the case when they were able to collect DNA from the suspect's chewing
gum, which he spit on the ground while under surveillance. Sentencing is set for
next week and officials think he may go away for an extra, extra, extra long time.
In March Madness news, there were many upsets and surprises in the first round
of the tournament with underdogs like Oakland and Yale knocking out their
higher ranked opponents like Kentucky and Auburn. Auburn's loss marks their
first defeat by northern aggression since 1865. Huntsville, Alabama has
announced plans for a new two-day outdoor music festival to be held in
September. Festival organizers hope to draw crowds from across the country while
honoring Huntsville's roots and the unique local culture. The official name
of the event will be announced in April but early candidates include the Rocket
Music Nerd Space PhD Guitar Fest and Maga-Palooza.
Many have speculated the whereabouts of Princess Kate Middleton in recent months
who has intentionally stayed out of the public eye. She announced this week that
she has been undergoing treatment for cancer and chemotherapy, leaving many
people surprised, sympathetic, and some embarrassed. Actress Blake Lively
apologized publicly after she posted a photo earlier this month poking fun at
the princess and recent deep fake rumors. I'm mortified, said Lively, almost as
mortified as when Green Lantern was released in theaters. Theories of
Middleton's absence included the princess being a contestant on the Masked
Singer, divorcing her husband Prince William, and some even thought she was
dead, said King Charles, not yet. That's all for this special edition of Moonshine
News Reports. I'm Sierra Moses and I'm Dan Price on Fawnam Grave.
Look at that genuine smile over there. I know we love you Brandon. I didn't let me use my weapon bro.
Hopefully that audio is good. I totally forgot about the mic.
So Brandon, Alex brought this to us what months ago? Yeah well don't say it.
It's as long ago as the production seems like it was. Yeah, two days ago.
We had no idea. Oh Brandon, you're the Black Panther. How do you feel? Dude, I'm excited.
No the idea definitely came when Jalen was, when Jalen left. I was like it sort of made sense.
Couldn't fucking have Dom. Yeah, I'm excited. It's like the gray rhino over here.
Golden brown turkey. These are gonna be some big shoes to fill. Hell yeah.
You gonna fill them? Hell yeah. Some sandals to fill. I'm a size 13. I got big feet.
Damn, I guarantee that's bigger than Jalen's. Look at these volts.
Sweatshop workers hate you man. I'm sorry yo. You decreased their efficiency by at
least 25%. That's why it's so hard for me to get them. Hell yeah, the whole
whole gangs here Jake. We got Jake Muncie who is the director of photography.
Aren't you a predator or something? He's the predator dude. This has actually just been a giant
intervention for you Jake. If you wouldn't mind sitting right here. Yeah dude, you want one of these
chairs man? He just smacks us all across the face. You got the rustling chair. I think what we need to do is
introduce the Clown College fans to Dante. Okay. Hell yeah. I think we need to do that.
Yeah, so Dante, he has a lot of lore behind him. Oh yes he does. Thank you Alex.
People know about you. Oh yeah. Take a seat man. Hell yeah dude.
Musical chairs. Close that door Jake, please. Alex you can come in.
That cup says a big daddy. Yeah. Hey, how you doing Dante? I am doing well man.
You know just living my life, doing the comedy thing. I like the fit man. Hell yeah. I like the fit.
I speak a little much mouth too. You speak much mouth? Yeah. Happy birthday.
Alrighty. This is exactly how things go. I somehow believe that Brandon really does know what he's saying.
You know what I mean? Yep. I speak. We're that close you know. We're like conjoined tweds. We got unconjoined
just so we can do this little skit. Yeah. Yeah Mr. Beast paid for y'all surgery. Yeah, unconjoined.
I followed him. He was like hey, surgery for both of y'all. Yep, he told me he might give me 10 million.
What? He only told me 2 million. Oh. Y'all were getting paid man. Man I was.
He knew what he looked like he needed. Here you go. Low hanging fruit dude.
Alright, so you're a comedian here. How long you been doing stand up? In May it'll be two years. May and two years.
Hell yeah. May 8th exactly. Hell yeah. Dante you're a phenomenon. You won't find anybody like Dante.
Look at that camera right there. Style so unique. You won't find nobody like this. No.
You know some of my favorite jokes man that I've heard in the scene for real. Thank you.
I don't want to give away but the Jamaican misfortune cookies makes me laugh every time.
That's one of my favorite jokes to do. Whenever somebody, you know how they ask us comedians tell me a joke.
I be like what joke do I want to tell? What joke do I want? I know an innocent joke I can tell
without having somebody run away right now. True. Also I just noticed that in this video Jalen looks like a Hurricane Katrina survivor.
Standing on that roof with his clothes all tore up dude. On the roof. With the blood and everything.
I love you Jalen. I miss you man. I love you Jalen. Thanks for the video.
Shout out Jalen Brown. Out there too. Hell yeah.
Not to be confused with the Celtics player Jalen Brown. Fuck that guy. You don't like the Celtics?
No I don't care man. I don't like the Celtics. I'm a Lakers fan. I'm a Lakers fan too. I've officially converted to Lakers.
I got a John Marino. Pride edition. You had a whole ceremony and everything to convert to Lakers.
Because I realized I love everybody on the Lakers. I love Magic Johnson, Kobe Bryant. Throw up the picture.
Will Chamberlain, Jerry West. All of them. I was like dude. Fuck it. Just because they overpowered.
That's the name that everybody is waiting for him to mention. I know you want me to say LeBron James.
I knew that's what everybody is waiting for. No. No. No. Because LeBron James is Cleveland Brown.
He's Cleveland. Fuck it. Well the Cleveland Cavaliers. Cleveland Brown.
No. Cleveland Brown. Cavaliers and then Miami Heat. You like James Worthy?
Yes. Yes I do. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is my favorite. He only knows players from the 70's.
I'm an old soul man. I told you. You don't know who's playing with Kobe? Derek Fisher?
Oh I mean yeah. Shaq Shaq. Yeah. He's a good dude. Andrew Bynum. Who? Paul Gasol. Paul Gasol.
Paul Gasol man. That's a player. Ty Lue. Yeah I remember him. Who is Ty Lue?
The one who got stepped over by Allen Iverson. He was also a coach.
Allen Iverson. That dude is amazing. Allen Iverson man. He got out too early man.
Didn't he cross up Michael Jordan? He crossed up pretty much everybody. He crossed everybody.
He brought that style of crossover into the league. He's got that deal with chat GPT now dude.
For real? AI? Yeah he's doing all that stuff. Oh good for him.
AI. You know he needs him. AI. Artificial Intelligence. I thought he was really the spokesperson for it.
Damn. No the joke was that he is the AI. Who's writing all the shit. Artificial Intelligence.
Oh okay I thought you were just saying that. Dom's nickname too. Whoosh.
I mean AI he's got everything. I think I stole that. I think somebody else said that man.
You know me man. You know the comments. They're saying you're stealing jokes that really happen to you.
Oh yeah dude. My life experiences I stole. He stole that joke. It's like literally something that happened to you.
No I stole him. I was walking down the street and I tripped and fell. That's my story.
We all trip and fall. It's okay. We all have different experiences when we fall though.
Some people hit their head. Some people fall and roll. Some people. You know all types of shit happen.
I'm a roller. You're a roller? I'm a roller. Roller's a safety thing. When I fall I roll.
We know I'm a roller. Y'all saw it laughing. Video proof that Brandon's a roller.
Y'all saw I'm a roller. I'm a roller and recoverer. Video proof he rolls.
I roll in. Hey Brandon if you fall seven times how many times do you get back up dude?
How many times I get back up? I get back up as many times as I gotta get back up.
But if you fail seven how many times do you get back up? If I fail seven times I just keep rolling man.
Just keep rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling like a fucking ninja turtle.
Rolling with the punches dude. Seven times.
You know it's as I watch Rocky man.
You know why he doesn't know dude? You know why he doesn't know dude?
No matter how many times you get hit it's how you can get back up from the head.
He's not counting. He ain't counting how many times.
He's not counting dude because it's not about how many times you get knocked down dude.
It's about how many times you get back up. Yep.
He's seen Rocky. He loves it dude.
Rocky Balboa. Definitely. Great dude. Amazing.
What's your favorite movie Dante?
My favorite movie? I ain't gonna lie. It's between Space Jam and let's see the Mighty Ducks movie.
The hockey thing. The first one? Or D2? All of them. All of them? Yeah.
The whole franchise? The whole franchise. I love the Ducks.
I may be black but I play hockey. You play hockey? I try. I play hockey.
Oh shit. I legit be on the ice and everything slipping around, falling, running to the wall.
Obviously look like a black person trying to play hockey.
Yeah. Hell yeah dude.
PK7. I am definitely the token.
I mean I tried to play hockey too. I just couldn't afford it.
I remember two days I was on the ice rink and I was just going around skating and bumping into shit and I can't.
One dude was like, dude you should come over here and try. You just don't give a fuck.
I was like, I don't. And he was like, come on.
Then when I went over there they wanted to charge me like a fortune.
Then this like rich like mom came up to me and was like, you know if you come in here you're gonna spend like $2,000 for this and that.
I was like, well damn. Never mind.
I just wanted to run into people.
Gatekeeping ass crackers. That's what I call it.
That's probably what the fuck that was.
You know you gotta have money to do this shit.
Damn. That's family where I am.
I got all my stuff for free.
Your kid's not going to college.
Damn. On accident though. It was free on accident.
So you stole it.
Yeah. I got it during COVID.
As long as it wasn't over $900.
I was practicing everything. But then COVID started in the middle of me using the gear and I never had a chance to return the gear.
So I ended up moving away and I'm like, oh, free gear.
Free gear.
They got hockey here somewhere.
Yes. Havoc.
Huntsville Havoc. Yeah. We wouldn't watch one again.
No, no, no. Not like, I mean like hockey anybody can play.
Yes. Ice skates. I've been there. We got it all go.
UAH used to have a hockey team for the longest.
They actually still have a hockey team. They suck though.
Whoa.
They are. Those are fighting words.
Go Chargers.
Please. I even heard one of their players once. I'm like, yeah, we suck bro. I'm just like, oh, dang.
Okay.
Dude, I have a special announcement, man.
What's up?
When I graduate in May, they let me put something, a message behind on the screen when I graduate.
It's going to be like, subscribe to Clown College.
Hey.
Clown College comedy on YouTube.
Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
Putting it out there, baby.
We're academics. We're an academic institution and people have to know that.
And in three years when I graduate, I'm going to do the same thing.
Yeah. Me too and probably two, hopefully.
That was generous.
I don't know how long until I graduate. I'm a junior right now, but I don't know my graduation day.
My graduation day looks like, uh, cricket.
Man, I'm right there with you, man. On the other side, like, damn, that's a long way.
It's spicy.
Graduation.
Yeah, man.
My favorite Kanye album.
Which one?
Graduation.
You know what? That actually was a good Kanye album.
My Twisted Dark Fantasy.
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.
Beautiful Dark. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, that one. That was good, too.
That was good. Yeezus.
Yeah, Yeezus.
Ahead of its time, bro.
What about Kylie's Dropout?
That's the-
That's good.
Hold on. Oh, that's the one. I think I'm-
Wasn't Gold Digger in that one? She take my money.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
I think I'm thinking a homecoming, dude. I think that's my favorite.
There was late registration.
Oh, I got to look through the songs to know.
Yeah, I'm more of a fan of Kanye's ideas than his music.
Yeah.
Me too.
How y'all feel about Kendrick and Tyler the Creator?
Who?
Kendrick Lamar and Tyler the Creator. How y'all feel about them two?
Kendrick Lamar was kind of like the goat rapper of my generation.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, Kendrick Lamar is good. That damn album was the shit, but who'd you say?
Tyler the Creator.
That's just not my-
I don't like him.
It ain't my style.
I ain't going to lie.
He's a different vibe.
Kendrick Lamar came out of nowhere for me because growing up listening to old school stuff like Tupac, Biggie, and old R&B people as well.
And then one day just randomly I heard somebody like, you never heard of the Kendrick Lamar?
I'm like, Kendrick Lamar? Who the?
That's why I ended up having to listen to him after everybody's already bumped it for years.
And I'm just like, oh, this is Kendrick Lamar. Okay, I like this.
It's Jonathan Silver's favorite rapper. Kendrick Lamar.
Of course.
Right. That's right.
You know what's crazy? I realized the other day, which I should have been known, is that you know Poetic Justice?
Where like, in the thunder and rain or something like that? I didn't know that was originally Janet Jackson's.
No, that's the movie. Yeah, Poetic Justice.
Yeah, like I didn't know that. I was like, oh my gosh.
Lucky, you ain't doing nothing but brushing that nappy ass fade, Lucky. That's a good movie.
I got to watch that.
Tupac, Jada Pick.
I wish that movie wouldn't have been there.
It's Janet Tupac.
Let me see.
He's a comedian too, the one who, Lucky. I can't, damn.
He's the host of that channel.
Earthquake.
No, hell no.
Sinbad.
The Swole Dude. Tony.
The dude that was on Friday?
Huh?
Was this a dude? No.
No.
Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe.
Tony Robbins.
What is Tony Woods?
Tony Woods? Is that his name?
Tiger Woods.
Yeah, Tiger Woods.
Oh, no. Let me just go down here and see what it is.
Another cast. Just type in cast.
Cast right here. Here we go.
Joe Torre?
Joe Torre. Yeah. Regina King. That's a good movie.
That's a good cast.
That is a good cast.
Maya Angelou?
Maya Angelou, yeah.
Maya Angelou? That's right? Okay, good.
What was her famous poem, man? I know she had a few of them.
I don't know.
There was one. She's like real historical, man.
Oh, very.
Real respected.
Definitely historical. Most famous.
Was it about a bird, man? Or am I tripping?
I mean, I have no clue. Poems?
Yeah, once we move into literature, Dom.
I don't know what that is.
Dom, man.
You think of being comedic when you look at poems.
I mean, Sylvia Plath, dude. That lady that killed herself in the oven.
I thought about trying to make comedy poems.
Okay, yeah. I know why.
I'm going to say it on stage one day.
The Caged Bird Sing.
See how that goes.
Go ahead.
Yeah, that's it. I know why the Caged Bird sings, dude.
See, I know the culture, bro.
Okay.
Hell yeah.
Oh, shit.
Brandon, can we get an artistic reading of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings from you, man?
All right. You said an autistic reading? I got you.
That works as well.
I mean, that's just kind of expected.
I said artistic.
A-R-T.
I know why the birds sing. Real short.
Either or.
Just to clarify, I did not say autistic reading.
I mean, I got you.
But that's just as good, man.
If not better.
Let's see. Maybe this is a little...
Oh, that's a lot. Okay.
So, what? Just read that little part?
Read us a little excerpt, dude. A little sample.
A little sample. All right. I got you. I got you.
Make sure you say it into the microphone.
All right.
What you looking at me for?
I didn't come to stay.
I hadn't so much for God as I couldn't bring myself to remember.
Other things that were important.
What are you looking at me for?
I didn't come to stay.
Whether I can remember the rest of the poem or not was immaterial.
The truth of the statement was like a wadded up handkerchief.
Soaping wet in my fist.
In the stoner, they accepted it.
The quicker I could let my hands open,
an air would cool my palms.
Let's go. Let's go.
You snap at poetry, dude.
All right.
All right. So, Brandon, what does that mean to you, man?
What does that message mean to you?
How do you interpret that?
Damn, man.
Hold on. Let me think now.
I mean, it sounds like somebody very passionate
because I was just reading it.
I was like, let's make sure we get these words.
But you was reading with passion.
What do you feel when you read that?
I felt the tear coming when you were reading that.
Oh, yeah, I got a little passionate.
What are you looking at me for?
I was like, oh, my God. What are you looking at me for?
It sounded like somebody looking at him and he doesn't like the way they're looking at him.
Exactly.
That's honestly what I got.
Because when you read this, you just want to read it.
You're like, get this word.
You want something that that reading be like, like a bridge.
Reading is like a bridge.
That you got to cross that slowly opening up.
You don't want to fall through.
Like that person on the 50 videos.
Oh, my gosh, dude. I saw that like five times.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
You know how they let the drawbridge up to let the ships through?
This person was on a bicycle and they fell in the crack when the bridge was going up.
So they got crushed.
Oh, yeah, it was bad.
That's a horrible way to go.
I think you think probably is probably quick.
Yeah, unless it depends on where you get squished up first.
Unless it got stuck.
And that's the worst.
Then you're like half dead.
That is the worst way to go.
It's one of the it's a bad one.
Yeah, the only way I want to go is death by snooze.
No, that is the only way I want to go.
Everybody's future.
Roman. Yes, it's definitely.
Oh, yeah, dude. Love that show.
How does that happen?
You want to know how this death by snooze new house?
Yeah. OK. You get some big Amazonian women and then they just have sex with you until you die.
Yeah, they crush your pelvis.
Mm hmm. OK.
That is good. You slowly.
That is a great. That's how painful it sounds.
Glory. But it hurts so good.
It hurts so good.
He's on my side.
I'm there. I'm right there with you, dude.
So nobody will be like halfway.
Hey, that hurt. Oh, shit.
Like just freak out, trying to push them off.
It'll be like, oh, my God, that hurts so good.
Oh, my God. Keep hurting me.
Keep hurting me.
Wonder Woman.
What?
This is who we're talking about. Amazonian women.
Wonder Woman.
I'm pretty sure she's Israeli.
Well, you know, now I couldn't do that.
The Amazon is real, dude.
But Younger Brandon.
Both pretty dangerous, please.
Definitely.
Huh?
I said I can't do that now, but Younger Brandon, definitely.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Younger Brandon.
Yeah, older now.
I'm old now, man.
Old man.
21.
Old man.
He will be when this episode comes out.
Just get a whole pipe and just start.
Now I can walk into a cigar shop and they can't say shit.
You need a walker, too, since you're old now.
Okay, man, not that.
I'm never going to.
Well, don't jinx myself.
Oh, my God.
Don't jinx yourself.
That's how you jinx yourself.
I'm saying a lot of people.
I'm about to say knock on wood.
Knock on that wood.
I see a lot of people do that.
He didn't think it.
You go straight to walker or you think you do cane first?
I think cane's a good move.
You see, I told you, man, I watch rock and I'm motivated.
If you get a cool cane, like a pimp cane, maybe a cobra head on the top.
Yeah, you can get one of those when you're like 55, 60.
Purple jewels is the eyes.
I would get a pimp cane.
I'll get one now.
Just walk around.
Oh, yeah.
It starts, if somebody messes with me, I'll poke them with the cane.
Pop, pop.
I would have to get a lot of attention.
Put your knuckles out, dude.
Pop, pop, pop, pop.
I'd have it and act like I don't need it.
That's why.
At first, I would fall, because I told you guys, Rocky, I'm motivational.
I'm not going to just let the world take my feet.
Exactly.
I'm going to keep trying and fall until somebody's like, you need a cane.
I'm going to get the pimp cane and walk around and act like I could do it until I can't.
Then I'm going to sit down a lot.
Like FDR.
Yeah, exactly.
Get a pain black panther.
Like FDR, dude.
Don't let them see your weakness.
No.
You should get a cane that you pull it out and it's a sword, dude.
I would.
Fuck people up.
I would definitely, 100%.
I would love that.
Now that is...
That's also a pool cue.
Like a three in one cane.
It's a sword and a pool cue and a cane.
Yeah.
Same level, dude.
He gets it.
Hell yeah.
I can imagine you pulling out the wrong thing when you're trying to hit somebody with a sword
and you just pull a pool cue out and you hit them on top of their head.
Oh shit.
That's the pool cue.
My bad.
Now you're also playing pool, but you pull out the wrong thing.
Oh, that's my thumb.
You got the blunt force trauma and then you got the stab power, dude.
The blunt slasher.
This is normal for pool.
That's what I'll call it.
Split a blunt.
Is this like normal in the pool game?
No, slashing your thumb off is not normal in the pool.
No, not that.
I'm talking about the pool cue or whatever y'all are talking about.
No, I just made that up.
Oh, I thought that was real.
That was like...
No, you could probably buy one from Ace Prater, though.
He'll probably make you one.
Ace will make you one.
You can make one.
I'll take it.
Play some pool.
Yeah, he went like that.
They'd be like, let me get my pool table.
Why are you getting this pool stick?
Brandon's the only guy that does a hook shot in pool.
That was great.
Oh, you saw me.
I was trying so hard.
It took me the whole open mic.
I was trying to figure it out.
It looked like you were trying to get the buggy out.
Yeah, it was bad.
I figured it out, though.
We got them all in the hole, so.
It's hard to find that hole.
Yeah, it was very hard.
It'll escape you.
Not many times it took me to get it in that hole.
Not many times.
Especially when there are six.
I was like, that's not the wrong way.
There's a little adult nursery rhyme that you can find if you can't find the hole.
Tell us.
One little adult nursery rhyme you can find to find the hole.
Hit us with it.
Or nothing more.
Twinkle, twinkle little hole, how I wonder where you are.
That was beautiful.
That's the official whack.
That is an adult nursery rhyme.
For y'all that don't know, I do adult nursery rhymes.
And I got an adult nursery rhyme for almost every situation.
Oh, hell yeah, dude.
And it's so good.
When you come back, you coming out tonight?
I won't be back into comedy until in April.
But when I come back, I'm coming back with fire.
Oh, shit.
You been writing some stuff?
I've been writing.
I've been fixing some of my rhymes, not rhymes, some of my jokes up and taking some stuff
out.
Because I noticed that throughout the years, there's some stuff that don't get last.
And it's just pointless of me saying inside of my jokes.
So I'm like, okay, let me take that out.
But I'm going to keep this portion of the joke.
Cutting the fat.
And then I add something else to that joke in the beginning or behind it to add more
funny.
So that's what I've been doing to my jokes.
I got lots of my same jokes, but some of them might be a little different.
The Jamaican fortune cookie.
I found more ways to do that.
I'm not going to say it right now because that's going to be a surprise when I can say it.
I can't wait to hear it.
I want to hear all these new jokes, man.
The new, the old.
Yeah, I'm going to do new, old.
You don't know what I'm going to come out with.
Like I said, my comedy is all over the place.
I love hearing people like you got the outrageous comedy.
I'm just like, wow, really?
Oh my God.
You and Brandy go to school together, right?
Yeah.
Yes, we do.
Juniors.
And you're a trombone player and one of the best bands in the world.
The best band.
Okay, my bad.
You're talking about the L.M.A.
Yeah, watching them.
M.M.W.
Yeah.
Bulldogs.
To the day I die.
It's charges over here.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm not as enthusiastic about that, dude.
We don't really have anything.
It's in our blood.
I was thinking about this the other day, right?
The University of Alabama system.
So you got the University of Alabama, then UAH in Huntsville, and then UAB in Birmingham.
University of Alabama has one of the most successful football programs in history.
And their mascot is the Crimson Tide, an ocean full of the blood of their enemies.
UAB, they're the Blazers.
They have a fucking dragon.
We got a horse, man.
Damn.
We got a horse, dude.
And first of all, what the fuck?
Like what does a horse represent, dude?
I know.
Stamina.
They got stamina.
I mean horses are.
Ain't y'all good at trotting?
Some, dude.
Some.
You got the style.
My girlfriend does horses, bro.
Some of the horses, not that great, dude.
I like that Friesian, though.
It's imported from the Netherlands, man.
That's like a, that's a expensive ass horse.
What's it called?
Friesian, dude.
Friesian?
Yeah, F-R-E-S.
Hold on, let's see.
F-R-E-S?
I-A-N.
I think that's how you spell it.
Friesian horse, yeah.
I think they're Dutch, dude.
I have never heard of.
Look at how beautiful that thing is, man.
Wow.
They braid it's, look at that fucking thing.
That's a My Little Pony, bro.
That is a good horse, right there.
That's what I'm saying.
Look at that horse.
If you're gonna get a horse, that's the one to get.
That's probably an expensive horse, too.
That's probably the most expensive.
That's like the.
She got a lace front.
The Bugatti of horses.
Yeah, they flew it in on a plane, bro.
From the Netherlands.
It probably was in first class and everything.
All right.
Going to a horse like that.
Jet Blue, first class.
Would you like some horse chips?
Would you like some horse hors d'oeuvres?
People had to sit behind this fucking thing.
I was thinking, what if somebody went up like, hey, excuse me, man.
I mean, turn around.
Oh, that's a fucking horse.
Never mind.
What happens if you hit turbulence with a fucking horse in the plane, dude?
It goes crazy, right?
Because they spook easily.
Yeah?
Because you can see the braid.
They have to be braided.
They sedate it, you think?
I don't know, but they have to be braised in there for sure.
Yeah.
So they can't get out and tear up the.
Locked in.
I can actually imagine the horse, if it was in the people area, just walking through,
just hitting its tail on everybody that walked by.
It's like, come on, man.
Why y'all got the horse up in here and everything?
Probably the shit.
Y'all were going to say you know it's going to shit.
Yeah.
When a male horse pisses, it has to lower down its penis.
It un-retracts it.
It straightens it out.
Un-retracts.
Un-sheaths it, essentially.
Makes himself bigger.
I've seen it.
I watched it.
A little bit too much.
I was very intrigued.
What?
Hey, man.
No?
I bet you every male wishes they could do that.
Hey, man, dude, you got to learn.
You got to learn.
I bet you every male wishes they can do that just makes themselves bigger.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
So what are we trying to do one more time?
I don't know why my mind just let me.
It was just.
Yeah.
So what's happening?
What are we trying to do again?
He says the male horses, when they got to pee, it basically makes itself big.
And I'm just like, I bet every male wishes they can do that.
Oh, yeah.
You know, yeah.
But it sucks if you can only do it to piss.
Yeah.
Because you can't, if you try to piss hard, that's just a whole nother.
There's going to be pee everywhere.
Oh, man.
Goodness.
You're going to be a nightmare.
You got to stand at a certain angle.
Put your hands on the wall.
It's a sad story.
It's a process.
That's a sad scary story.
Multiple steps involved.
Nobody's happy, dude.
And of course, that's the one time I forget to fucking put the seat back down.
Talk about that.
There's piss on the floor.
I don't want to clean it up either.
OK, it's not my fault.
Shit, if it was that.
I'm sorry.
It was a rough week.
They will call me right up.
Hey, Brandon, we need you to clean this piss up right now.
Somebody got it all over the floor.
I'm like, fuck.
They call you for that?
Oh, hell, you do.
One time somebody flooded a urinal.
How do you do that?
It was like filling all the way up and I was trying to sling it.
And then it started leaking.
I was like, bro, what am I going to do?
Can you plunge a urinal, dude?
I had to try my best.
I just don't think about a urinal getting stopped up.
That has to be some big piss, bro.
That has to be some diabetes piss.
They had to have something in there.
I don't know what they had, man, but it was horrible.
They flushed something down that toilet.
They passed like 12 kidney stones into the urinal, bro.
That was blood.
They should have went to the other one.
That was, ugh.
Oh, was it the short one, too, so you could bend down to get it?
No, no, I was getting my deal.
I was like, fuck that.
And every time it would get off, because it was flooding.
I was like, fuck this shit.
Oh my God.
No, that's when I ran out.
And then I had to get like, and then I was like, what do I do?
And everybody's like, I don't know, Brandon, what are you doing?
I'm like, what the fuck?
This is just, whatever, man.
So I go up there and figured it out.
I got a mop bucket.
And they were like, we're not giving you a sub this time.
I was like, okay.
What?
A sub?
Because you remember last time in Ramain.
They give this person shit off the walls, they give them a free sub.
But obviously, like Brandon said, who the fuck wants to eat after you just clean the
shelf?
Apparently they got the memo.
I don't know.
And they didn't, they specifically told you they weren't going to give you a free sub
for the piss situation?
No, but you can tell when you see somebody, because you look up, no, no, no, nothing this
time.
So they bribe you for cleaning up horrible shit.
Every time.
I remember there was a homeless lady taking the shower, rubbing the stuff.
It was bad.
Then they called me.
They make you clean the women's restroom too?
Oh yeah.
I got cleaned it all.
Damn, dude.
Brandon, you get a raise yet?
A little bit.
You talk to them and tell them that you wanted a raise?
No, I'm coming back tomorrow.
I'll talk to them tomorrow.
Hell yeah.
You tell them.
You bet.
You want that promotion to get a raise.
I've been here for too long.
You right.
I'm a grown ass man now.
I'm 21 years old.
Yeah.
I want a fucking raise.
I want to be paid like a person who comes in here and gets a job.
And that's a raise for you.
No, but for real, do that Brandon.
I'm dead serious.
And what are they going to say?
No?
No.
You can go get a job somewhere else.
True.
Everywhere is hiring.
Everywhere will hire a 21 year old.
You right.
Especially a college 21 year old.
Oh yeah.
That's what I'll do then.
And you already got the pool in Publix.
And if they want to act up and not give you this raise, I mean just tell them I'm going
to have to look for a different job because I have to make more money.
Okay.
We'll invite them on the podcast.
Debate them live.
Yeah.
About why you should get a raise dude.
Okay.
I'm not talking about a fucking quarter raise either dude.
I'm talking about a raise.
You need to get paid.
You need to look up how much the person, whoever the newest person is, how much they got paid,
how much they're getting paid.
That's the minimum.
You ask for a dollar more than that.
Yeah.
You ask for a dollar more than that.
And if they say they don't want to give you what they're giving, the rate that they're
giving people right now, I'm like, well I'll just quit and go get a job that has this rate.
You're worth more than that man.
Hell yeah.
Or request a transfer dude.
Yeah.
I might go to that Harvest one.
I'm out to Harvest, I know some people out there dude.
They don't like me but I'll get Blake to talk to them.
I'll get Blake to talk to them dude, don't even worry about it.
Plus the other, everybody left and went there.
I said probably I found out.
I was like shit.
That's a place to be man.
Yeah, that's a good one.
I found out so I might go there.
Yeah.
Do that, it's close.
Hell yeah.
All right so JJ, I know you got to get out of here.
Oh shit, what time is it dude?
3.26.
Okay.
Yeah.
What time?
What time you want to stop?
We can keep going for like five more minutes.
Okay.
If you want to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well we got this stuff to talk about.
Let's see what we can do.
I think we got to talk about the Chattanooga trip.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think we got to talk about the Chattanooga trip.
Brandon had a lot of fun.
You didn't notice, you get to sit in on this.
Yes I did.
All right.
I'll just watch.
So we went down to Chattanooga, me, Alex was driving, JJ, Brandon, right?
And Jake and Raina met us down there.
And so we go down there, we hit two mics up, they're going well, we do good, everybody's
having a good time.
Brandon gets a little, he gets a little fucked up dude.
A little too fucked up.
He gets a little lit, Brandon.
Brandon tell the people what happened.
I want to tell you what happened.
So I was talking to Jake and it was like a video game.
If you ever played Red Dead Redemption 2, it was like that scene when he fell over.
I looked over and now I know it just a spin.
I fell on the ground like, and I just hear people yelling.
I was like, what's going on?
And then five minutes later I hear Dom.
He's like, all right, hold on, get him up, get him up.
I just hear the background.
I'm sorry, Brandon.
I know.
I knew he was going to be fucked up like this.
We walking, somebody checking.
And then we got to the car.
Hold up, hold up.
I threw up out the car all over there.
And then we were driving.
And then after that I decided to chuck some Gatorade.
I was like, maybe this will help.
No it didn't help.
I was so confused the entire time.
Brandon started dying, projectile vomiting.
The bartender didn't have shoes on.
She kept calling us gay, man.
It was a situation.
I didn't know that theme.
Really?
Like they were like, they said, they said, all you guys want to jack off on a cookie
and eat it because we were sitting in the back.
But everybody else was sitting in the back too.
It was like 20 people back there.
Unfair.
Why are you targeting us?
Yeah.
I don't want to be questioning my sexuality on Thursday night.
This fucking sucks.
And then Alex saved our lives.
Alex saved our lives, man.
Thank you, Alex.
Alex Z.
Dude, we would have been wiped off the face of this planet if it hadn't been for his reaction
time.
We were on the way back and you know, it's a highway.
So there's two lanes going one way, a grass median, and then two lanes going the other
way.
A cop was chasing a car on the other side, but it veered over onto our side and was like
about to hit us dead on.
We're going like 75, they're going 90.
There was no chance we would have lived.
But the cop didn't have his fucking siren on.
Didn't have his siren on.
He had like the blue lights on, but you couldn't hear the siren?
And then we're looking and Alex is like, oh, there's a cop over there.
And I'm looking, I'm like, hold on, hold on.
That car is on our side of the road, like coming straight at us.
He pushed on the brake real quick, got in the right lane and went up.
That car didn't even budge.
So if we wouldn't have saw it, like it was like in a split second, like probably less
than a second that he got over.
Yeah.
Would have took us all out.
I'm so glad he kept his siren on.
The whole podcast.
Hell yeah.
Would have ended.
All three of the members would have died.
That's terrifying, man.
It would have been an Asian driver.
Man, it took the drunk right out of me.
That looks female.
That is why you should always pay attention to driving laws.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Dude, as soon as that happened, I was done.
I just woke up, all right.
It sobered Brandon up.
Oh, quick.
I got him.
I'm like, that took it all out of me.
What's up, y'all?
What's going on?
So we found a way to sober you up fast.
I don't prefer it, man.
I don't prefer it, but.
Before that, Brandon was passed out in my lap in the backseat.
We got a picture.
Just scare Brandon to death.
Oh, please don't put that picture in there.
I don't know what.
OK.
You've probably already seen the image at this point, dude.
I don't know what happened to make my head look like that, dude, but I'm sorry.
It wasn't any easier for me to see than it was for y'all.
I don't know what the fuck happened.
I'm actually jealous of this little trip that y'all took.
Well, we need you back, Dante.
We miss you, man.
I'm going to be back.
We do.
Definitely taking trips with y'all.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We'll have a good time.
Chattanooga is real cool.
They always have us back.
Birmingham's always been.
Oh, yeah.
Shout out to Jett Tatum for getting us on his mic and sending the list over.
Jett got us on his mic and gave our names over to the second mic so we can get frontloaded.
That was really cool.
Go watch his podcast, Jett Tonight.
Hell yeah.
Watch that shit.
It's good.
Hell yeah.
All right, guys.
That's all of us.
Brandon, I'm so excited.
Brandon.
We're so excited.
We've been geeking about this for a while.
I'm excited.
You are the new Black Panther.
Wakanda forever.
You got to do it like that.
Wakanda forever.
Wakanda.
Yeah.