This week on clown college
Brandon don't discriminate
The reason I said why doesn't man really that's important that he said that because the reason I'm laughing
We take in this more. Yes, the reason I said why because my fiance's right right now
But by if I was like years ago like free and somebody
Lives matter let's go
I'm trying to say like if it were like that, then it would be anybody man. I like ever because it's
Anybody anybody
Not just any anybody like I like anybody as a friend, but not time I like
Doing some shit like
Clap and cheese, okay. I'm digging the deep hole here
This is the clown college podcast
We're just a couple open micers trying to make our way through the scene where we interview
Comedians throughout different stages of their comedy career no matter if they're open micers
Headliners or traveling comedians. I'm here to Jamie 2.0. I just talked a lot more damn it Brandon
Go sit in the corner
Shit damn now the headphones it's cold on my ears man
I have my fucking built-in ear muffs anymore. Well, JJ got a haircut. Oh, yeah
Tell them well it's gone. I should have went to Mike sales, dude
Yeah, I went to my you just can't trust a barber with no hair dude. You just can't you didn't know this barber
No, this was my first time getting to my haircut by him. But shout out mark mark. He's cool. I
You told him don't touch the beard don't line it up
No, could you tell me? Yeah
No
See, that's what people don't understand dude. My mullet a black lady cut my hair and she gave me the mullet
I did ask for it. Yeah, you know, but she did a good job. Mm-hmm. And then mark is my first time meeting him
Same barber shop. Yeah
So you go in and you don't you're not loyal to a barber
Well, I would have signed up with the lady, but I guess she doesn't work there no more. Mm-hmm. So
I went a different route. I just picked any available stylist. That's how you know, you don't give a yeah
Yeah, whatever. I go to till this guy dies. I'm with him
Till he dies. Yeah till he goes until I leave until I move or something
What's the worst thing that could happen to a barber dude like Parkinson's? Yeah
Has to be yes or death, you know, you just don't want it to start setting in while he's giving you a haircut
and you like jabs of scissors
Right, yeah, I was listening. Oh, okay. Listen intently. I was very listening. I was very
Very much so listening. What's going on? Yeah
America
Oh, yeah speaking of Captain America guess what happened man. What happened man, man?
I almost got emotional yesterday man. Do this do my
You're now brother ace he pulled up some comic books and some cards. Shout out a shout out ace buggy
Normal cuz this is like the stuff spider-man. Yeah Wolverine
Yeah, fantastic for you had man there was so many people up in there man, dude, and then the cards I
Think I saw Deadpool in there
Rigin on 1992. Oh my dude Brandon that dude. I love you man. Yeah
You love that shit, yeah
Oh, yeah, and they were like in real good condition to very good. Yeah, I seen them they were in sleeves. Oh, yeah
And those were from 1992 1991. Yeah
1990 ace hooked you up. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, they were leaving venom
Damn, you know
I know he's pretty sick. I know venom was the first black superhero. Yeah
Shit what happened at you at two o'clock in the morning? Yeah, man, I don't know but we don't know we have no I haven't
Told him yet, but do some crazy shit happen man
I'm best the shit out of my sauce talking my friend and he kind of he kind of set me up for this
Like I'm kind of upset now. I just realized it
He didn't have to do that. So I called the wrong number and it I swear with some lady and soon as I was talking
I was like, hey, you know what?
No, no, I hung up and then I facetimed him. I was like, yo, bro, was that you he's like, oh, yeah, man
Yeah, I heard everything you said the second go. I was like, oh for real. So you heard me say wrong nobody's like
Oh, yeah, oh man, you can't be playing like they thought yeah, whatever man, and then I hung up and called him again
And it was that same other number and she picked up again. She was like what what and I'm like, hey man
Oh, and it's me. It's me. And then after a while she said you drunk. I was like, no, I'm not drunk
And it's me and then I realized it wasn't him and then I just slowed down
I was like, oh, this is a whole middle-aged chick right here that I don't fucking know
So I slowed it down and I said, okay
This is what happened
I explained it to her like a professional like most people most people would have just hung up the phone and said my bad
No, I literally stopped I literally stopped because she was like man. You just woke me up. I was like, hold on. Hold on my bad
So what happened is is my friend?
He told me that uh, it was a wrong number and he was joking around and then that they joked around
I called back and it was you again, and I am sorry and I'm not drunk. I guarantee you that and it's okay
All right. I was like, yeah my bad. So yeah, it's okay. All right. Goodbye
And that's why did you explain it because I felt I had thought I wanted to just think some random drunk dude
Just picking up phones all night being like woohoo. No, so
Do you want to look what happened because okay, so he called you pray calling you, right? No
No
He called me we were talking on the phone and then when I called back
I had two numbers on the contacts by accident and I clicked on the wrong one
And it was a whole different person and when I went back to him, I was like, oh man, dude
Was that you in that voice? He's like, yeah, man. That was me the whole time
So I thought it was really him and it wasn't it was like really somebody else
Like this wasn't this was legit. I even looked that was a different number. I don't know who that was
How did you call the number? I just literally clicked on the thing. I thought oh here it is
I don't know if the number guys use on the phone with him. Who were you calling first?
I called him on the FaceTime because there was two different contacts
That was my list my list like your list
Contacts damn man, but contacts. What it was is that the two contacts things those
Yes, there was two the same contact. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, I don't know how to got mixed up
I don't know who the hell that was. I hope I didn't know them. That would be weird. Yeah, you probably did
Yeah, I think it's weirdly considerate how you stayed on the phone to explain
And it seems like she's more understanding than most people would be. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Go back
Yeah, they're like fuck you. I just hang up the phone. I fuck you too. Yeah for sure. That's what I
Let's might cut me out for two minutes. Hell no
No
Why but why didn't you just hang up? Oh, well because do I gotta be worse?
I can't let you I can't let this person be like this drunk person call me now
She's gonna talk to her friends the next day and everybody
Or he has a good yeah, I know have the numbers say you had to save to somebody else
Yeah, I know but I feel like she would've woken up like this crazy dude at one o'clock in the morning
Calling me and and and I think he was drunk and I didn't want them to think and look and be like, oh my gosh
I know him. That's Brandon. No, I didn't want
Oh
Gotta have a good reputation. Mm-hmm. Can't be doing that. No
She owed
Sounded like probably 30s or 40s. So young
She's watching
This is a prank call you got he's paranoid after he got him. Yeah. Yeah, we're not gonna prank call you anymore Brandon
You have our word
You have Dom's word. Yeah, you got my word. Okay. I ain't gonna play. You're not gonna play somebody else
You are the best number right here
Here it is. No, well, maybe
So, uh, what's up, man
I'm just chilling dude almost died yesterday. My tires are completely bald this motherfucker right here, dude
I just didn't know I went got my oil change and they were like, hey man
Your tires have no tread on them
I was like, oh shit and I looked and one of them literally looks like as smooth as this fucking table and it was raining
Yesterday and I was sliding and shit, but I had to get to the shag nasty because I'm the host and I go down with the
Shit, that's how we fucking do it
Good as Mike. Yeah, we're shooting this late. That was a wild one, dude
Yeah, it was it was that was good. Yeah. Well, yeah pleasures right before it that was fun
And then we went to shag nasty's that was a good time. That's a little
Hiccups, there's an altercation. Yeah a little altercation. Yeah, let's settle learned how to play pool a little bit
Oh Brandon was I ain't Brandon's a pool shark. Yeah, I was
Beating your ass, wouldn't he? Oh, yeah
His own cue you were doing tricks and all that I was like, okay
How do you I don't know I was really in the back just watching seeing the hand move
That's how it is I say you got to do it the pool so the camera was okay
So I was like with the pool you got this the pool table
This the pool stick. Mm-hmm pool table. This is my hand trying to do you got to get in there like that
Go in there like that. That's how you do it one or two ways
What I don't know I'm still learning horizontal entry. I'm still learning. Yeah, I'm gonna figure it out. Mm-hmm
Yeah, we had uh
We had a stand-up live
This weekend that was good and Sunday
Sunday you didn't get to make it unfortunately
But anyway, it was good was it was a light crowd though like it was like
How many you think how many people you think that weren't comic?
including a
Seven yeah most maybe seven maybe and that's me saying stand up live. It's like
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What was the Sunday? Yeah. Yeah, we pulled up that parking lot was not really
Yeah, cuz you know if nobody's parked like on the side where the door is in the back if nobody's parked there. Oh, yeah
There's probably no show before it. Mm-hmm
Yeah, cuz they said they opened up the doors at 530. So it was 530 on Saturday
But if you got there at 530 you had to wait, you know, what two and a half hours for the show
Yeah, wait till like 7 o'clock. Oh, I thought it was no. No, no, but it didn't start at 7 o'clock. No way it started
730. Yeah, I think it started there too two hours. Yeah
But it was fun though. They got up there. I'll be on the showcase
320
Yeah, appreciate it guys you don't open with the Aquaman joke dude, I will storm out of the building
I will I fuck I don't give a fuck. I will open with that joke. That shit makes me laugh
I know it like I just realized we stopped putting our stand-up clips on the podcast
I just realized we stopped we gotta get we gotta get them from from Alex
Oh, yeah, you know what I mean?
Like we have to get them all from Alex because since he's been recording shout out Alex Z. Oh
The goat Panda Express delivery, man. Yeah
It's not like that
He actually did it, you know, he's probably out there right now with our appendix press. He's the shit
Yeah, he he videotapes all of our sets and we haven't been good about getting them
Getting them from him and putting them on YouTube and shit. Yeah, we'll start it back
I do want to get put that Aquaman one up here
That hit last night it hit that was so I was so surprised that it's never hit it has never hit and
Terrific people laughed at it. Yeah. Oh
I did it there. Oh
Yeah
She's getting out of hand me yeah terrific was fun too. That was a great time. Yeah. All right
I'm glad you had fun, man
Yeah, no, it was a good it was good it was a learning experience
Experience what happened that?
It was it would do your boy didn't do too well man
No, no, I might have to return this t-shirt that I bought it says white boy of the year
I might have to send it back after that
No, that's real I did buy that shirt yeah, I'll wear it next week that hangs over here
I'll do with that entire next podcast in Jamaican. Oh, yeah
What was it supposed to be pot walk pot
Pot pot pot pot pot pot. Yeah, you got it. Oh, yeah. Look at that pot. Oh, yeah
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to do any action. This is me really genuinely. I'm saying you're sorry Brandon, you know, I'm not sorry
No talk your shit Brandon. Yeah go off on him. Yeah, let me put this on some music
I didn't know it's gonna be that I
Didn't know my does he have access over there? I thought it was gonna stop soon. It just did go up for a long time
Wiped off the map when you press that button like you said a learning experience man
Yeah, but you're a but I love I love that cuz I like I bomb like that and then I know home
Probably what's it? What's it twice a week?
But
You know when you're so mad and you go home and now your new shit's killer. Oh
Yeah, I mean it just I gotta try it out more. That was the first time I told it. Yeah, but that shit was good
Yeah, I lighted you wrong at pleasures
Yeah, I didn't start the fucking timer
So I didn't know where you were at and then I knew you I could tell you were doing new stuff
So I'm like, let me just let me just give him like so he knows he can get off whenever he wants to
And then when I was going like this, I realized that I stopped it way too short
So I was like this you like dumb trying to wrap it up. I was like no
No, but I knew I was only up there for like two minutes. Yes. All right, so I was like, okay
Well, I'm gonna at least say the rest of this new
That's why I was trying to I was trying to tell you I was like
That was a weird set man because I fucked up a lot of times but it got huge
Oh, man, you did really good. Oh, yeah, and the stairway to heaven joke on me that fucking oh
Yeah, I've said that one before it was just the perfect time. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm saying your whole set was going so good
Yeah, that new shit's good. How they're how to work at shacks
There was I mean it was like ten people who had just heard me tell it at pleasure
Okay, and that was when the music was still on Jonathan like
Told me about it when the Kenan went up the second comic and I was like, oh shit
The music still fucking playing you can't really hear him
Yeah, I didn't go ask shout out dear
Yeah, shout out
That's that's what they did at a
Mike sales mic at the played music to that dish the dish
Come out second and first and third Mondays. It's a black room. It's it's it was fun. I'll be
My sales yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
It was fun like that's my bro you go in there and you're like
I wonder how they're gonna take everybody but they loved it like they were like all the people in there like you guys were so
funny Alex Z kill
Jake killed
You want to know who really killed?
Dante oh, yeah murdered. That's not a shot. Murder surprise
Dante's killer. He's the best. He's best comic in on
Dante we got his ass needs to come on as soon as he gets done doing whatever he's doing
And then he said he'd be out for like two weeks and then I'll come back
Alex buried me last night, dude. He hit he struck a nerve
He's like, all right, give it up for JJ his entire vocabulary consists of
What words he learned at college that day? I'm like all the shit. I was saying was shit. We talked about in class
All right, well fuck you
At least you're learning yeah, yeah, at least you're learning I remember saying big words and such
Just try to sound smarter you just said and such
Neither of them big words combined they wouldn't really be that big of a word
Hey, where Brady got on stage with it
Brady got on stage. It was this this woman in there and she it was her birthday and they were like doing like
Karaoke before and these dudes could sing bro. Oh, I'm talking about a good sing sing one
Oh here one dude wasn't a chocolate chip. He's trying to roast me. I'm gonna tear his ass up next
Monday, I'm a roasting
I'm a roasting shit out of him. He tried to get me it was a bad roast, but he's cool
So he's saying he could sing like Anthony Hamilton. I don't know you probably know that exit you watch
I've heard the name. Yeah, but he could sing like him and then he got up and did comedy and they like you could have music
in the background if you wanted to and
Yeah, oh whenever so when Brandon come up there
He says and the girl who birthday this who was fucked up. She was like, oh he retired. Yeah, but there's a reason
There is a reason for this there is a reason and I'm very happy
Yeah, that just happened because this shows that they were listening to what I was saying before
You see when I started my joke
I was talking about the mental illness joke where I talked about how the black parents don't believe in that my black parents
I mean my parents and they called me retarded
So and and they didn't I knew that everybody was gonna believe that so I was I was going heavy on that joke
Seeing that people listened and they listened
Because soon as I went up it was kind of like a recognition when they saw me they're like hey man that's that retarded dude I know him I love him. That's what they said?
He said two words. He said yeah
I only said it twice cuz he split it up
So it's two it was two minute sets and then you take a break and then everybody else goes up
And then you come back up and you tag the next person you want to go and then you go and do another two minutes
You could do improv or whatever you want to do. We all did stand-up. Most of us did stand-up and then
He said two words soon as he gets up there
She's like, oh he retired exactly in that voice just like that. Oh, he was hard
They read him what is the come and I agreed I was like cuz they said dude
This is exactly what was do a category about points. I was like, oh shit. What's that point? She said what you were tired
I said there it is that type that type. All right, and then I just went with that
Improv was amazing. That's what you man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we could we that was good
I thought it clown college and we were like we do skits and stuff and then we did a drug dealers in church
Perfect. Okay, and then Brandon what did you I said I said he came over I said come on
We can't be doing this in church how much you need and he's like, what'd you say? How much did you need?
How much did I need what I said he said he said a hundred and fifty thousand
Yeah, give me a hundred and fifty thousand. Yeah what?
150,000 what that's not how a drug
No, I was saying
That's how much I'm willing to put on the table
Yeah for drugs in the skit not not not you also shouldn't do that in real life
What you want you but I have a hundred dollars you shouldn't do that. No
How much you get it's like you're like, I'm like, I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like
How much you get? Yeah, that was my character and in the skin. Yeah Rodney, but it was fun
Yeah, we went on for about like two minutes. It was good
We oh Brandon did a whole prayer
Yeah, we were doing it in a he said the blessing. Yeah, you know drug dealing church. So he prayed over the drugs. Yeah
They had a good time. That's a good Mike though. I like my hands Mike's gonna change it
I told him we need to change it like at least three minutes
Yes, do three minutes and then if you want to come back up you can do stand up on the spot
or
improv
For the next two minutes or three minutes however much time he wants to get but that's it. That's fun
Hopefully hopefully some more comics come out and make it out dude
Yeah, and they got and they got like a built-in crowd like there were there was good
There's more people there and probably stand up. Yeah
Okay
And I didn't know this but they were blasting the
The speakers outside so everybody outside heard our stand-up sets without the laughs and stuff. You just hear the microphone
And it was apartment homes to say everybody
Yeah, big and we are there so what happened with airplane they just you just hear nothing
I saw one light on I was like somebody's up right there. They listen and they laughing there
It was what though? That's what I'm just what is that true?
Like a nice area or what?
Uh, yes near my house. Is it yeah near my mom's house? Where is it at?
It's a near you know where the Sparkman Walmart is near. Yeah. Yeah, yeah what a cookout. It's kind of like there there
Oh damn, okay. Yeah, I used to work that store real serving our country. He's talking bread on the shelves hell
Speaking of bread do check out this quiz
We started taking notes from this it makes you yeah
Yeah, I don't I think everything in the picture is cool to show online. I don't think that's really too revealing
This this quote by the way, you may read it this quiz was proctored
So I had my webcam on and I had to pull out my phone to take this photo and I looked in the webcam
And I was like, please I swear to you. I'm not cheating
I just want to take a picture of this and I did it and then this is the answer I gave the question something about
Self-concept and how that relates to consumer behavior and I had no idea what the answer was so I gave this answer
Go ahead should I read it? Yeah, all right. I
Honestly have no clue about this question bottom a hundred percent serious about me being in the top
99% of PB&J makers I've experimented with jellies and peanut butters of different textures flavors and
Qualities I've used over 27 different types of bread
To create over 500 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the last calendar year in my research
I've discovered that crunchy peanut butter is not conducive to making this delicacy unless the bread has an adequate amount of structural integrity
Artisanal from Sarah Lee would be a perfect example of a thick enough cut to withstand the stress placed on it by crunchy peanut butter
Artisanal also comes in dessert loaves including flavors like maple syrup cinnamon and a seasonal Apple cinnamon loaf in
Parentheses great for making French toast as well
Double parentheses. I don't know if French is capitalized in French toast, but I took a swing in parentheses
I have listed below my top three combinations for PB&J's
Number one the classic Welch's grape jelly Jif peanut butter smooth obviously bunny sandwich cut
Number two the fruity thinking that was my nickname in high school
Smucker strawberry jelly Peter Peter Pan peanut butter smooth artisano brioche. That's a blue label
We got for the blue pack really eye-popping shade they used the number three the metal which choose whatever you want
But put an uncrustable inside the sandwich. It was two in one
Embedded in there, and I did turn this in and you know
Brandon I wish everybody thought like you
You went 249 words on this
Well, there's some words above it where I actually tried to give an answer completely wrong
So I had like 17 minutes left on the end
And instead of trying like change my answer fix it. I just wrote that because I'm like I'm gonna have more fun doing this
And get a video out of this. Oh, yeah, that's fucking crazy only six points. You should be good
Yeah, well you should see I don't feel confident about confident about the other ones either so what class is this?
consumer behavior
I'm a history major
You know I'm just doing all the useless ones yeah
Yeah, these are like my classes to do
Dude I can't stand my sports economic class. I don't care if this dude sees this
It's just like the worst teacher in the world man. Yeah, just not I mean he's smart
He knows what he's talking, but his voice is so monotone. I get it was just like the the guy from South Park
Oh
It's like oh my god
And then he does he'll teach he'll teach he teaches all the way until the end and then when he gives us a quiz
It's nothing about what he just fucking talked about. There's no formulas. It's none of this shit. It's just like basic questions
Dude, I probably have a 15 in that class 15 out of what?
Yeah out of a hundred oh my god, but his grading scale is different like it's like 30% 30% is like a
D
40% is a C for you there. Yeah, dude
It's bad damn like I like I don't have it in me, but I have a quiz out there
It's like my highest is eight out of 20
It's like and then I was like I failed the test right I failed the test so fucking hard and my other boy
He was like he failed it too. And then whenever we were reviewing it
He was like and and most people did good most people got a those like god damn. It's just
in my other army, but
You think you think everybody else they get a or he's he was I mean the way he said it
He was like he was he was like and most people got a got a couple of things
And he wouldn't say anything about the s and I'm like everybody got a but I get on his grading scale
What if he's just?
Students yeah, I don't know man. Yeah, everybody else did good if you did bad. You're a fucking idiot
Everybody failed the test. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah, I hate teachers like that
It's that it's not nothing wrong with him. He seems like he's a good guy, but he's just so
Monotone and fucking like he goes off the paper. He he
Writes all the shit on the board. You're trying to keep up with him writing. So you're like taking all the notes
You're not really I'm not really listening to what he's saying
We're just trying to get it all down and then when I look at the notes from home
I have no idea what the fuck this shit mean. I got it. I took the class because it said sports
It's an elective. I shouldn't have to work this hard at an elective
Yeah, I've already take take an econ one and two what else you want me to do exactly
One and two that's yeah, yeah, bro
He's in that shit this shit. I mean, it's just fucking make it a set. Yeah
They're throwing the same thing at you is like, oh, but this is a sports sports
Economics class to me would just be like here watch money ball. That's what I'm saying right a 1000 page or 1000 word
essay
What?
1000 percent I looked at I looked at my boy and I'm like, did you know it was gonna be like this?
He was like, no, I'm about to talk to my advisor tomorrow
Cuz we got the GI bill so we have to like submit it in my advisor will be receiving a strongly worded email
Fuck is this? Yeah fuck college, man. Yeah, I remember I had one college dude
He was very crazy this teacher
He basically got fired like at the end of the semester because he wasn't like
Did it really teaching us and every time like we would like ask him a question about oh, you don't know it, huh?
I guess you're not gonna be able to do it
I'm about oh, you don't know it huh? I guess you're not that smart
I one time he said to me he told me this he said yo
If you would have went to my foot locker because he used to work at a foot locker
He said you ever went to that foot locker and I was the cashier. I could have robbed you right now
And I said, okay, that's what's up, man
And then after that he recently got fired cuz everybody kept complaining about him cuz all he would do is he'd be like
You know, you know I do this and then get some M&M and pop it in my mouth
You don't know I do that. All right, and that's what he would do
So when he got fired, he looked at us and said that he literally said this to the classes
So y'all got me fired. Oh, that's how it is. All right, whatever and he came back two years later
He's right there right now
Let's think this is a now. Yeah
The teacher shortage. Yeah
So he got fired for eating M&M's no because he because everybody that was no
Because everybody in the class cuz everybody in the class failed
Okay, even me. Well, I mean that's not a surprise
Mass is my struggle. Yeah coming from the guy with the 15, you know, yeah, I'm right there with you man
Yeah, come on. I hate this bumping. You don't need all of this
It's a program for all that shit. Just needed to know how to do basic arithmetic
Yeah, but college is like a thing of like, you know, just do this cuz we told you to do it
It's not really like a helpful
Learning that maybe for sure you learn you like in my business classes. I learn all the time
you know what I mean like a supply chain even the ones that are are not interested to me like a spole operations and
All that shit with like good teachers even if the subject matter is, you know mundane
They could spice it up a little bit and then that makes you listen or people like me because I'm not you know
Some of the most these mufflers like kids 21 and shit and they're just like oh, I'm going to get this big job
I don't know 36 man. I'm just I'm doing this I get paid to go here
And if I didn't there wouldn't be a chance in hell that I stepped foot on that campus
If I didn't get paid, but you might as well finish man. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna finish
I'm gonna get paid the whole time till I'm done too
And I want to pay for the schooling and I can get a degree and then cuz you don't need this shit for supply chain
You just have to know how to move things around and talk to people
That's literally all you have to know how to do and you can get good relationships and you know how
To problem solve because you have to do a lot of shit on the fly
You're good and go buy the book
We don't do that around
Should have seen the look that Brandon gave he was real concerned when he's a big procedures guy
Oh, we got some other big news JJ what else we got dude what's happening in May
May 10th May 10th, dude is huge. Huh?
Do you got a drum roll sound I think he does I could try it be
Okay
I could do it like this. Oh, I do did it did it did it real quick. No, we got okay
Guys May 10th, we're doing our first ever live podcast
Recording at shenanigans in the big main room main room
On a Friday, yeah, it's called killer clown killer clan have
Audience participation bucket spots come out. It would be a good time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna have a
Lot of things that you can do world. We're gonna throw some skits on a big screen, too
Yeah, it's gonna be a whole show like we're gonna do it. We're gonna do it, right?
As soon as we soon as those lights go down
It's gonna be a fucking show on that stage and we're going like he said have audience participation
You come up there do stand up and if it's your first time ever and you're not really stand up
You come up there for a couple minutes and then we interview you and at the end what they get to do
What was it the yeah
You know
And I think it would be a good idea will they look at us and be like they could pick whoever they yeah
Yeah, they pick you pick whichever one of us you want pick any of us smash us in the face with the pie
It's not too hard now. Let's not get rowdy with it cuz hit Dom as hard as you can, please though
Please don't but please come out. Yeah, come out support if you support the CCP
Yeah, you will be there do you clown college productions?
We are in no way affiliated with the Chinese Communist Party. No. Yeah, I don't even know about that. I don't like the Chinese
but uh, yeah
Whoa, I know
No, no, what were you gonna say? Yeah, I will send a say on the bright side, man
You get the front you get the fro pie at us and then we'll eat some pie because dude man
Get some more pie and eat
Why?
Cuz we're not gonna waste good pie like we're gonna buy a couple of I'm not gonna sit here
I'm gonna be cream a cream pie. I know we're gonna get another cream pie
for me to eat because like
this cream pie
Where do you want the cream pie to be from probably uh, you go to Publix or you want a white lady or black lady?
Okay, now we're getting there. Okay, so
You know, I I am I can't I can't answer them. I'm taking the white. Okay, him right now said to a white
I said I'm taking but if I I mean if I was if I if I wouldn't have anybody
I don't bring somebody cream pie you or you want to eat the cream pie
Wait, what?
What the cream pie what wait no, but hold on I gotta clarify I gotta clarify real quick Brandon don't discriminate
The reason I said why he doesn't man really that's important that he said that because the reason I'm laughing
We take in this more. Yes, the reason I said why because my fiance's right right now
But by everybody if I was like years ago like free and somebody
Lives matter let's go
Anybody man, I like because
Especially when I'm a man anybody anybody anybody anybody like I like anybody as a friend but not talking my life
What I'm digging the deep hole here, yeah, we're just talking about cream pies. Oh, okay. Well, yeah cream pie
Pie pie pie pie dude
Ten with some whipped cream but in that that whole thing that he just said he said he said maybe years ago when I was three
When did you say he said
I think I did
He's I don't discriminate, you know, I say white cuz it's my fiance but years ago when I was three
Uh-huh cut that reformed racist
When I was when the brand Brandon was single he didn't he didn't care
I didn't know that's what I'm trying to say bottom line. You know, my mouth stumbles upon me
It's like it's like I'm tripping and shit. I'm trying to say that
I'm just clarifying that part too
I was I was stumbling my words here trying to climb my way to the top and we just built ourselves a deeper hole
We have more questions than answers way more. I can't wait to
I can't wait to watch this back
Cypher through what?
I'm going to try to put captions under it. Yeah, I don't even know
Falling we watched the man spiral you saw me falling and trying to get up
Oh
Road and everything it was bad
shit
We back though. We back we here. We never left now. We never left but we did fall for a second
For all what happens when you fall you get back. Tell him Brandon, you know what Rockies about?
Mm-hmm, you get knocked down seven times. How many times did you get up Brandon?
Depends how fucked up you know, I'm just you fuck that you get back up. How many times?
Well until you know, like if you were down there you like brought a number a number was how many times a
Numerical value it depends what's going if you get knocked down seven times
Okay, so
Honestly, I would say get back up. But if you down you can't get back up then you just fuck that
How many okay so probably
Wait, wait, are you asking me a question or are you saying are you saying I'm sir what I thought you were
Do what I thought you were asking me was me personally I thought you're like Brandon how many times would you get up?
I'm like, I don't know. I'm not I was I don't know it depends how many times you get it
I think you should get back up. But if you if you're late, bro, how many times?
Okay, so you said seven times seven times
Yeah, if it's a riddle or something seven times
Brandon thinks all questions are real because what y'all did is shenanigans
You know where shenanigans are every riddle. I got fucked up in those riddles, man. I was crazy. Oh
My god, Brady. Yeah
Were you there?
Riddle there you were there for what you were just saying riddles outside of shenanigans one day. Yeah, they were getting me man
It was bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah you were out there. It was rough riddles and shit
It's such I'm trying to think do I got any riddles off the dome and riddles sounds like a bad word for some reason
riddles riddle rhymes with ditto
It does why yeah, that wasn't where my mind went with
See, you got a riddle. I'm
Yeah, let's take a one. I'm trying to think of a riddle. I don't know any
I
Got one for you. What are you thinking?
Alright Brandon. Alright
So you're the bus driver, right? You pick up ten people in Mexico got that
You go to California pick up 25 people
then you drive back down to Texas and
Drop off 16 people
What color are the bus drivers eyes?
brown
Why?
Because they because uh
I mean you're right. Yeah, it's brown. Yeah, you're right
Cuz they're bound to bust Mexican. I don't know
Is that it? That could be it. That's what I was thinking. Was that it?
Cuz they're bound to bust Mexican. Do you know you know why the color of the eyes are brown?
Mm-hmm. You don't? Uh-uh. Alright
I'll say it to you then
Okay, I said it you're the bus driver. Oh
Okay, yeah
But you got it right not yeah brown eyes you're the bus driver
Is it because it's like a you see a bunch of?
Because I'm all because I'm brown
You have brown eyes
I got one for y'all. I got one for y'all. All right
So there's a guy his dad dies
Yep, and then he gets into a car accident and they take him to the hospital and the surgeon's about to operate on him
But he's like I can't do that. That's my son. Mm-hmm. How is that possible? I know the answer
Well, wait, wait, say one more time one more time. I don't know if I said the riddle correctly, but there's a there's a guy
Okay, his dad dies
Then the guy gets into a car wreck and he goes to the hospital
He has to have surgery and the surgeon is like I can't perform surgery on him. That's my son. Yeah
Hmm so
So somebody died
Somebody did die so it wasn't it wasn't the
It wasn't that it wasn't the dad did the dad like did the son die and the dad killed the son or something?
Yes, that's it. Yep. Damn what a coincidence
The surgeon was his mom
Yeah, the surgeon was his mom
Rare phone today, man
All right, that's all for us
All right. Who do we got on the day?
we have a
famous
Celebrity, yeah a social media sensation star teen pop sensation
Matthew lumber lumber. Yeah, you can see him in a in a movie on free V or a to be
What's it called? Whatever it's called put it up right now. Yeah, I forgot what it's called
We're gonna put it up cuz we put it we pulled it up whenever he was on it
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we shot this one out of order guys. I mean you'll notice that by JJ's gonna have a full mullet
Let me flex and
All right, thank you man, all right this week's featured comedian
Hey, does he might know that old man over there and like why is he smiling at a funeral who does that?
Well, you know it's gonna suck, you know, cuz I'm gonna live so much longer than you what no you aren't oh yes
I am. I'm gonna be right there at your funeral. What are you talking about? I'm so much healthier than you
Dude, no, you are not. Okay fine. You want to make a bet? Yeah, I'm down first one to die is gay. Okay, deal
You know, I'm not gonna die
You're so gay looking him out there finally helping around the house
What is he doing is he taking two trips
It's okay, you know, I like those two guys from Modern Family, you know, they seem fine I mean
Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I should have played catch with him. You know, maybe I should have thrown the ball with him
Maybe I should have thrown the ball with him more often
But now he's catching other balls and let it out
Guys it's late dude, yeah recording this one late. It's like at least 4 p.m.
That's how you know, you was raised by your grandparent I'm tired of shit
We already ate dinner I'm ready to go to bed
We can't go to bed yet now, no, not yet, dude, we got somebody special in podcast today, right?
Yes, we do special in more ways than one exactly. Yeah great guy
Teen social media sensation superstar Matthew lumber everybody
Appreciate it. Yeah, we just whooped his ass on UFC
I like that train on him dude. Sorry Grimace
You are you are a social media sensation. No, that's
Sensation is crazy. No, I don't make enough money
Yeah, but you make some money. I make some money. That's all that means your sensation in the social media round for sure
Professional see cuz you can you can like have like 10,000 followers. Mm-hmm and make way more money than I do. How's that?
Um, we're in college. We need you to teach us. Okay
So on tik-tok if you have 10,000 followers, then you can get into the
tik-tok creative beta program and
When you post the video over a minute long for every thousand views you get a dollar. Oh
So let's say your video gets
Like a million views mm-hmm, that's thousand bucks
Right there shit right there. Like okay and all my skits be like short. Mm-hmm, so I don't make that much money
But I also have a second account where I like put them all into like compilations and I post it on there to make more money
Okay, do you link it to your first account?
I just have yeah like kind of like just tell you this is my main account. Yeah, I like my bio
Yeah, I like my bio back up. But yeah, there's people who like 10,000 followers and they make bang
Damn, like I heard um that girl talking about who did I marry on tik-tok?
Oh, yeah, she she did a whole 50 part series. Yeah, and just doing the math
It was like oh she cleared a meal
What for all that shit shut the fuck up million dollars? Yeah
Most likely I don't even know who you're talking about pull it up Brandon
What did she make a 50 part?
I've seen it on Twitter. She put it on there, too
Apparently this woman but um, she married a guy during kovat and during that time
He was like a sociopath. So he lied about everything. Who did I marry? Yeah. Oh, who did I marry? Okay?
Oh, it's like a true crime documentary. No, no, I don't think there was a crime. No
Listen to it. Yeah, I haven't listened to but cuz it's so fucking long and I don't care that much 50 parts in the dumb
Bitches be like 10 minutes long. Yes, you said it's on tick-tock. Yeah, okay
We're gonna say takes up and her husband was a sociopath. Yes, you married him during kovat
Yeah, you married him doing kovat and then slowly she like figured out like he was lying about everything
So then apparently she's not I don't really know I didn't watch the story, but that's what I've heard
Yeah, yeah, she she's cleared a meal
I would love to see the demographics on that view on the viewership of those video. No, I think it's all over
Like it went like super but it has to be it's yeah to get that this this is her I saw
No, I'm just I'm just saying dude like this is oh, it's all women girls love this
Yeah, yeah, you got to be a sociopath to bury that that's fucking
That's the female version of
Oh
Well, you don't know what to do look like
You know saying huh? He could be ugly as fuck. What if it was Dante? Yeah
Like that man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, but she's she's she's clear to mill like she's good
That's insane. And she has like three million followers on tick-tock now
So now she has a base for that. Does she have a lot of follow? I don't think so. I don't think so
What happened was she doing I think she just hit the door, okay
Oh, my bad man watching watching my friends dog all day is she alright
Should be alright she just she'd do that she's old but um
Yeah
Like 13 damn I thought she was too what that's right. I you I told him 12 or 13 early
When you first got here, dude
Jake did the weirdest fucking thing. He was like, oh you're groomed very nicely nice hair
How are your teeth and like lifted up the dog's mouth and looked at the teeth? I'm like this dude, you know, he's good
So so back to this so did she have a lot of followers or do you know before I don't think so
But I mean you have a 50 part series. Hmm each each video
Averages around 5 million views all videos are above 10 minutes long
You're gonna gain 3 million followers if you're getting that much like and she's reposted the same videos again
So like yeah, she's and then still you get paid for those like they're new. Yeah. Yeah, holy shit
What about other platforms?
Instagram and Facebook have been my two best now, okay tick-tock kind of sucks, but
The editing software on there is really fucking good
So I edit everything on tick-tock and most on tick-tock and then I take it from tick-tock and I put it on everything
Okay, that's what I always see people on Twitter. That's how I see tick-tock. I don't have it
It's through Twitter. Everybody has like makes their videos on there, but tick-tock is like I mean
Instagram means way more than tick-tock does
Like there you could find people that have a million view a million followers on tick-tock
They have ten thousand followers on Instagram. Now. Why is that? Why do you think that it?
It doesn't really transfer because like your followers on tick-tock don't mean anywhere close to as much as Instagram
And the biggest thing is YouTube like like you have a bunch of subscribers on there. Then you're you're set
That's like that's the hardest to get. Yeah pays off the most but like yeah, yeah, definitely pays off like way more
I think it's like five dollars per thousand views. So that's a huge difference
Yeah between like everything else. Do they have to watch for a certain amount of time? They have to watch on tick-tock
They have to watch for five seconds. Okay, they have to work. Yeah, they have to watch five seconds for it to be eligible
I'm not really sure on
YouTube. I'm pretty sure it's just views though. I don't think it matters how much watch it
But I mean obviously the more they watch the better the they'll put you in the house. Yeah, right
Should I'm interested in this cuz I suck at social media and I hate it like I don't I don't I'm not I don't particularly like
Social media, but I know I have to do it to you know
Yeah, any career I want and stand up or anything like sound like an old head. I know but I like Twitter though
But I know you can't do shit on Twitter. They don't get Twitter will eat you alive. That's why I love them
YouTube leaves the meanest comments for me. No, no, I sure bro. Have y'all been on on Instagram reels
Well, they're just tell leave crazy
Fucking crazy like anybody you can't post anything on there without people trying to rip your head off
Like my shit's fine. But like if you post a disabled person on there, it's over. It's like
worse than Twitter damn I'm telling you it's worse than Twitter
I'm not check this real like they don't fuck with you. If they don't fuck with you you're getting like sworn by hate
Have you seen the dude on Instagram Davis Clark or Clark Davis or whatever?
he's just an regular ass white dude that posts like the
Motivational type videos is kind of cringe
But dude, he's blown up on Instagram and people are either like love this dude or just leave the most heinous
comments of all time
It's insane. What does he do though? What do you say to us?
He just he just records like four or five videos a day and what's his name? Hey guys, you know, let's get at it today
We're about to kill this shit. Okay, I'm motivational guys, but he's not motivational at all. He's like the most mundane dude
Clark Davis is most generic looking guy ever. He has no energy. It's Davis Clark or Clark Davis
Clark Davis
Don't have tiktok, that's why
It's pretty no I say Instagram is the best name is car Instagram take that used to be the best
So where is real that on me on Instagram? There's a whole section
And so like people like if I'm following people that's whose reals I'ma see not always you see
Your feed is still whoever you follow
This
Got a tiktok shop now, so they just they just it's just sponsored video sponsored video sponsored
That shit's fucking annoying and you just do you ever pay for?
No, no, how'd you break the algorithm?
I've been doing it for three years, dude
And like I used to post three times a day then I dropped down to two times a day. So that's three times
365 days like it's just pure like just grinding no and just like constantly putting out shit that like
Whether hits or it doesn't you just keep doing now. I just keep on putting out three a day every day
Yeah, now I'm at one a day. Okay. I've like slowly slowed down because I mean fucking life and shit
I'm like high school anymore. Yeah, I got a fucking job
fucking rent to pay
Over there. I'm gonna say where you live within the good part of town. Yeah
Yeah, I see it. I'm sorry, and I tried to join in the conversation, but the dogs licking my inner thighs
Oh, let me put her outside
She's like I don't want to go
She's like I don't want to go. That's how that's how Tinkerbell is my dog
You have it. I thought your dog's name was max. No, I got max then you got Tinkerbell. We had Charlie rest in peace
He died on Christmas. Oh Christmas. I know or the day before Christmas actually Christmas
It's the worst present. I know you wake up on Christmas and your dog you did dude. I kid you not
He's like 20. He was at least 21. Okay, that's a fucking lie. I was literally running from this dude and like almost dog years
No, I'm talking people years like 21. What kind of dog was it?
It was the same dog as that Yorkshire Terrier. They do live along at this time
Like I was terrified of him as a kid and then when I got older we just became best friends
Kind of like Jake's cat. Yeah. Yeah, but it took like at least five or eight years for me to damn. Yeah
Because they were like they were like yo, you don't take this dog. Yeah
They're like if you don't take this dog, we're gonna take it to the pound. So I said fine. Whatever
I
Know
I
What
It was metaphor yeah, well I was saying I was like I guess the animals recognize they like man
This dude saving does the dog's eyes man. I gotta fuck with them. I don't know is that what they do in skyroo?
Yeah, if you do some shit, yeah, they'll remember you
Y'all play these games
I'm learning that's exactly how it is. I'm learning that's right
But me and Brandon we're playing skyroom though at jake's apartment
We killed a dragon or something. Oh, it's dope as shit. Did you ever play skyroom? I never play skyroom
We play sports games. All right, like really?
It was uh, come on
No, no, I played assassin's creed assassin's creed is dope that's good
But that's like like like real like you're fighting real people with yourself not like fighting fucking giant ass monsters. Yeah
What about god of war though? Huh? What about mafia? Oh dude fucking mafia. You love mafia, which one's your favorite?
Favorite is two me too, but three was really good, too
Okay, because he told me I need to get mafia like it's real good. No, it's really good
Because I know he is is in the third one. Oh, is he? Yeah, what the fuck suckers?
I think you kill him. Yeah, I think we killed you killed joey. Yeah
Oh, yeah, dude, except you in like the 40s
Okay, first one you in the 30s the story the story is really good. I love this game. Okay, I just bought cyberpunk because uh,
Justin ledlow was talking about it on the podcast. I bought it. I got about like two hours in i'm like i'm done. Yeah
Was it like too complicated? No
It's just a lot of stuff you got to do before you get to shoot people. Yeah true that and I just kind of want to shoot
people
Yeah, I understand
Yeah, but that's like a story based game
Yeah, but the story you have to do too much to get to and maybe not the story has to have murder in it
Yeah, oh storage gonna have yeah, but like it needs to be like off the bat
And yeah, killing people right or i'm at least in the first like if i'm on there for three hours and I only do like
One fight scene, you know, I don't like that. Here's my thing
Like if you buy like call of duty who plays the campaign on call of duty me
Brandon I
Play the campaign that you do. Yeah. I mean I stopped buying the call of duties
I just never fuck with call of duty. I think it's like you don't you don't fuck with it
Oh now my best my favorite shooter game is for tonight for now. Oh, yeah, you you are one of those. Yeah
Yeah building shit. Oh, no, dude. I'd fuck you build it up. Oh, yeah
Yeah, I i'm not good. I i don't I played it like twice
I just don't like the fact that like if you see me first i'm dead
In call of duty, that's why I don't fuck with it. Yeah, I mean not really that's why you use cover
I mean, it's like real you if you're walking out in the middle of the street. Yeah, somebody sees you
They're gonna fight you. I'm not trying to just like sit back and then shoot people
You don't try to run around and fuck you just use cover. It doesn't mean you have to sit behind
So if we're in this room, right you don't get behind this table. You know what i'm saying? Have you played rainbow?
Rainbow six siege. Yeah
I've watched my boy play it whenever see I would rather play that because then that's like, okay
It's all strategy rather than like i just want to run around fucking kill people like yeah
And people be mad lame in that game. Oh, so you don't like the
Well also in siege to seize people be mad lame
Yeah, I don't play I don't play call of duty unless I have like I got my boys like my brother
Uh, and then my other boys who played when we start playing during the pandemic
We haven't played it in a long ass time
We start playing during pandemic, but i'm a beast and then and see it and god warzone rebirth island. Fuck shit up
At least I never played none of that dude. That's good. We gotta get uh
We gotta get a clown college
I'm gaming on I have I have videos on like my youtube account, which I don't promote at all
But I have videos on there because I don't know what we said and I would chop it up
That's the first time I learned how to edit and I would chop it up and we would just do then sometimes
Posting gaming video. Yeah, dude. I got like a lot of them on there too. That's how I started
But it's like just for it's like just for us because like only five people watch it
What is just for us to go back and look at the victories that we have man. Fuck shit up game game. Yeah, good old days
I played a lot of counter strike
I love csgo, but that shit gave me a gambling addiction when I was like 15 years old dude
Because in that game there's all these skins for the weapons and in real life
They're worth like some of them are worth like thousands what dollars and money
Yeah, you can sell them on a marketplace and there used to be these websites
You could go on and transfer them from your account to the website and you gamble with them and the dude that
Ran this website. His name was mick skillet. He was a youtuber and
He made like millions of dollars doing this but then they like made it
Steam changed their policy to like it nullified that you can't do it anymore
He lost all his money and he drove backwards down the highway in his mclaren and killed himself
But also killed like a mom and her daughter
What the fuck? Yeah
Jesus
We like to bring the comedy
I like a little darkness though. Yeah, I never heard nobody
Yeah, but I was like full I was 15 like at school on the computer gambling with like hundreds of dollars
That's wild. Yeah
So what do you how do you get your your skins off the game?
Oh, okay. So like you get the skins you open up like uh, they call like cases or something like that
It's like one of those type shit
But it was extremely difficult to like you almost never got anything good
And sometimes they drop in the game like there was a skin called the dragon lords for the sniper
It's like the most famous csgo skin like some of them like and they have stickers on them and stuff
They can be worth like 100 grand
No, okay, and the knives were the most insane you get like that's insane. Yeah people in dubai
They'd buy them like like 250 000 dollar knife
Like virtual knife. This was like the original nft dude
Oh, okay. Yeah damn that's insane somebody would pay 250 for something that's fake. It's like if it's fake
No, it's real to us
That was my happiness back, you know in gta they sell accounts like left and right
Like I got a friend who will spend probably a couple hundred for like your gta account. That's why just to have all the points on online
I was like, oh shit. They have a whole market for that people do the same thing in 2k
Yeah, people try to buy my account. Wow, because you're that good. No, well
No, I just hit like a really high like rank in the game because we're trying to like buy it
Let's see what rank you got to you started publicly stream
streaming on twitch june of 2020
I guess yeah and uh for 2k
I'd also like to mention this we found out you were an actor dude. Yeah, no idea
I did you were teen thug number three?
No, man, and you got your ass beat, but you did your own stunt. Yeah, okay
So my friend his dad is a lawyer. Uh-huh his lawyer friend
Apparently shoots like these fucking like movies
And so they just asked if we want to be in it and he paid us like 200 bucks for like
I mean if you look at me in it, it's like literally took us like five minutes
Oh, yeah, we're gonna insert the video right here. No, I mean, I mean, I mean
We're gonna insert the video right here
Or you can go watch it on 2b in free v
Yeah, apparently it's really racist is it really so so the whole thing is
The whole like movie is about this like one white dude who like
Saves an immigrant child or something like that. Okay, like and like we never watched it about my family
He he told us like he was like, oh this is probably gonna be on like netflix
This is gonna be like a like a big deal and then like I still haven't watched it yet
But everybody who's watched it was like that's super racist. I can't believe you're on that live reactor right now
It's called no man's law no man's law and so
that the dude that um
The fucking star of it. Um, he owns the movie and apparently so he's a lawyer and he was doing this big profile case
and apparently he told an interviewer that um
um, he'll give her like an inside scoop on the case if
Uh, they promote the movie and then like you can't do that
And so like that went all over like the news and I think he got like trouble job. Oh shit. Yeah
You're in there with some goddamn questionable characters, dude. I was like I was like 17 and I was like 200 bucks for like five minutes
Okay, yeah, I'm lying out of the
You could address me up in slave clothes
I don't know about that
Do it now
And not get paid just for this for this
Uh, that's it it looks like a legit like when you look at it
No, watch the trailer. Can you put can you pull up the trailer? Oh, just off the trailer you're like, okay
Yeah, i'm excited about this. Oh wait. Oh, that's it. That's it. Oh wait. That's the whole movie. No, I found the trailer
I found the trailer
I'm excited poverty, bro
In margin so he told us this would be on netflix
This is gonna be this
Oh my god, that's the guy that's the guy
Oh, I don't trust him
I'm saying I'm right, dude. Definitely do this right here for sure easy
It's over that guy had to get the ice in the
Oh my gosh
What's right and what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong or have we all forgotten that
Um, this is like a facebook comment section turned into a movie dude
What fucking theater did it come out of theater home theater
No, no, he invited us to like the premiere. I didn't go to that shit red carpet event. Where was the premiere?
Oh, you know how I just saw the flyers through the shit in the chest
that's crazy
That's why that is
They get anybody can make how many views that thing get you could bait you could pay
Dude on five or fifteen dollars, and he would have edited a better movie. Oh, yeah one thousand there would have been explosions
Got three point eight K views okay, and how many likes 19 Richard Jensen criminal defense yeah
Nice, dude. Oh, yeah, he's a he's a shady. I could tell just by looking at it
Okay, this guy has defended some guilty people. Oh, yeah, I'm very guilty, but if he wants to pay me again
I'm down. Oh, yeah, yeah, if you actually need to edit in this shit hit me up
I'll be the fucking cow be one of the cops dude
Be a cop
How they were over that hood oh, that was perfect. Hey, thanks for that. Well. That was it that was a perfect trailer
That was that's like one of those horrible trailers you ever see that yeah, and I was in it that nominated for anything
So
So what are we gonna bet on Madden?
Hold on hold on we said we're gonna bet on UFC
We were gonna bet on that and we're gonna bet on 2k and $20 each okay, so we won't exchange money after the games
Mm-hmm, and then you can just send me 40 bucks
At least 40 I may be 16 so you know you know you're losing madness. What you saying?
You're it depends on how yeah, I'm okay with it
But like you're losing why you why you got it like that dude. You're still gonna lose through the game
We don't know man, we don't know no you're not gonna beat me dude
I'm way better as I'm way better than you a UFC. We just proved that I had a shitty person
Yeah
Okay, okay, but in 2k. I'm way better than I am at at 2k that I am at you
I know you're streamer. I was a streamer. I'm trying to get back into it, but it's just like time
Yeah, so what do you how long would you stream for whenever you stream like two three hours?
That was the first thing I wanted to do like I started making 2k content
Over like that was the first thing I did mm-hmm and then fucking just listen to Joe Rogan for years
and I want to be a comedian so
When'd you do your first open mic man?
Um I did it when I first turned 18. I had the video of it. It actually went pretty good really yeah
Yeah, your jokes are funny every time you're up there. You got good jokes, and you got good stage presence see everybody says
I don't fucking get it. That's the one thing. I think I really need to work on well
You I mean it's just gonna get better. Yeah, I'm going up, but you're like base level
Stage presence and your jokes are good like legit good. Yeah, yeah, I say I officially started
Last month okay is the only time because like I would do it do it when I first turned 18
I did it like twice. I did it once where you go. I went to
Fuck it was some some in mad. It was one in Madison
I did good the first time and then I went up the second time did bad
I'm like I ain't doing this shit right now because I was I was already doing the social media steps
I was like I'm just not gonna focus on this mm-hmm, and then I do it when I was 19
I did good the first time second time. I did bad, and I was like fuck this shit
I did it for a little bit and then like now. I'm starting to just I'm just gonna keep doing it
Yeah, you going tonight. Yeah, yeah
Drop that three minutes on
How long you think you got right now I
Have a for sure for mm-hmm, but I have a lot of jokes written that I think that'll work
I think if I if I took like like two weeks
I can get eight minutes that are like decent just because I've been doing like jokes every single like three videos a day
Yeah, yeah, just those videos. Yeah, put it in stand-up form
Yeah, yeah, so you you you need to start doing those new jokes to just pop them in after your old set
See I haven't been doing my old set
I just do my new stuff every time mm-hmm, and that's why I keep fucking up because I need to do fucking yeah
You know yeah
Hell yeah, that's how you get
Cuz then you'll figure out who I can say this one and then say this one after that
You know people mixing it up cuz I got like these
Got like three four three new jokes some of them are one-liners, but I think four new joke
But then I'm trying to mix them in with my old shit and figure out how like right now the biggest thing is getting
This three minutes right so I'm trying to figure out what three minutes hits the hardest
I know which which one of my jokes is the hardest
But you know how can I fit that in three minutes, and you can't sometimes like I used to lead in
What are you I'm single you know that I'm single thing then I go into race play, but like tonight. I'm not gonna be
It's hard to find Matthew
It's a rare commodity
I can probably hook you up with some people dude. There's some commissions
custom
How much time do you think like
Like go up and do and you're gonna be confident about it. I can do 12 you do 12
I can do 12 without I'll bring it back a joke. I don't like
Toxic masculinity I don't really like it, but it works whenever I do it and then
I'm maybe 10 because I have to take I can only do one the fat or the
The fuck weird I can only do one of those jokes because I use the same tags and
How much can you do I probably do about four hours?
You know my legs will start hurting and then I'll go sit down
No, I could probably do I do 15 maybe not a super tight 15
I could stand I could do jokes for 15 minutes. What y'all are like 10 months in
About to be a year like yeah, well my mind I did my first ever open mic like oh my on Tuesday
It'll be a year ago, but I didn't do another one for like three months after yeah
So I was I was and that's when I started doing yeah like after I'm in this I'm not gonna count anything before I'm just
Gonna beg February's when I started because when I'm like actually like taking it like I'm gonna keep going rather than just going up
One off every year. Yeah, and then not go again
Yeah, well at least you got up there and did it you know I'm saying
Yeah, you don't like technically have to social media stars
You know I'm saying like I'm just saying I know but no no I'm saying like you don't have to but it's good that
You are because you you got the jokes you got the jokes you got the stage person if you keep on doing it
You'll be good. Well, that's the whole reason I started the social media stuff is to do the stand-up because fucking um, you know
Brandon Chavez yeah, he fucking sucks, but he sells tickets and he gets booked
Yeah, because he has a social media following so I was like I can just get I can at least make money and make a living
As long as I have like a social media presence. Oh for sure
Yeah, and like that's the thing that shop got caught up in is that he got famous before he was good at stand-up
Well, he's been doing it for 10 years. He still sucks dick. He does I mean I won't I will say this
No, I watch I watch gringo poppy and look in the comments look
I'm not talking about what I'm just talking about me watching it
It wasn't like it was the worst thing I've ever saw but it wasn't I thought he was I was like looks like somebody who?
Two-year comic trying to do 30 minutes is what it looked like. Yeah, he's like 10 years
Yeah, I didn't realize he was that he was in there for that long. So I was trying to take up for you Brandon, but
No, but it's hard to say like he sucks like because who are we to say he's I mean we're talking about him on our
Podcasts like this is a well-known comedian. He might not be great in terms of like seeing other professional comedians
I mean he was a UFC fighter you have to have discipline hard work to do that
And that's why he's he might not be good at comedy, but I mean he sells tickets exactly. That's what I told Jake
I'm like, yeah, it doesn't matter people always think when you're in like the comedy scene
Who's the funniest that doesn't matter?
I mean it's gonna funny always matters
But if you've got the funniest person who doesn't want to do shit and doesn't take any initiative and doesn't do anything
They're just a funny person there because people people will book them and people will try but then that personality that trait is always gonna
Come out you like oh, I got him on this show
They flake out of shows or stuff like that doesn't matter how funny is you can't work with him
Just like a player in NFL they can't the best ability is availability
You can be the best left tackle ever to play an NFL
But you ain't if you ain't healthy what the fuck are you good for so it's you gotta you gotta encompass all that shit
I mean, yeah, I'm not saying he's a fucking loser like obviously he's super successful
He's done like insane shit to be a top. No, he's not somebody I would watch
You know, no, I'm sure he's just like he's just not good
Yeah, like he's just some people have it and some people don't and I just don't think that's like in his wheelhouse
Yeah, but like I used to watch him on his podcast funny talking
Yeah, but it's just like it's two different types of funny. I don't know if he's funny at all
I know I was just taking up for him a second ago. I just respect his worth of ethic. I don't know
It's just his
He has such a bad reputation. He's always in some drama with somebody
Over Bobby leave like why start beef with him? Yeah, you know why over some for chance?
I like shit like it was read it. It was saying that he gets bullied like Brennan Chod like the internet hates him
Yeah, I see that which people shit on him deserves. Yeah, like apparently he does a lot of fucked up shit
I can see I mean, he's a he's a fuck boy. You know say it. Yeah, so he is. Yeah. Yeah nothing wrong with it
Everybody knows a guy like this everybody know yeah exactly and I think that's the problem because nobody likes that guy now
Yeah, but like you said I like you said Matthew on his podcast. I would like a king in this thing. I
Love that. Oh, yeah, whenever they had it with you. Yeah, the O'Von. Yeah, everybody else carry. You know why yeah, you know why?
Because of feel long he's making fun of him
But that's but that was a dynamic that I liked more than like, you know when you're watching Theo's podcast, which is good alone
I like when he has Brandon the shit on yeah
Because I mean it's like it's like he can't really go super hard on Brent on that him because he's fucking a top 10 heavyweight
Yeah, it's not like him just beating on somebody of mice and type situation. Yeah
That's the muscle dude, and if Theo Vons the brains do it's not a good
Dude they all had a
This guy who was on there you watch his podcast ever was it wrong?
He had one near-death experiences and he like studies them. So he's like a real doctor, but he studies them
he's like four thousand people that he studied and
He said they all say the same thing like you get pulled into this like heavenly place
I'm different parts of the world to pulled into like this heavenly place and then everybody up there is telling you to go back
But the person wanted to stay but once they come back even people who try to kill themselves and shit were like
Oh, I'm supposed to be here and then they're like at peace after that shit
And that crazy so it's probably I'm just saying I'm just saying look two things
I I've seen documentaries on up and I liked I know exactly what you're gonna
What's the other one the children that have the memories of their past lives?
Come on those days little motherfuckers remember everything that is rehearsed dude
Totally rehearsed has to be it is a 100% like I'm not I'm a pretty superstitious dude
I believe in a lot of stuff. That is not real dude. Children are smarter than people give them credit for
Yeah, somebody little motherfuckers be remembering very vivid detail
I guarantee you my five-year-old Puerto Rican nephew could like convince you he had a past life as like a fighter pilot or something
I bet I could give him
I'll have him on next week
You would you believe in any of that
No, which one are you going for more? I don't know because I get like freaked out by that shit
Like I don't even watch scary movies. Oh, you're one of those. Yeah
I get terrified, but I love to watch them do yeah
I love I love I just don't fuck with being scared. I just get upset. You don't like it. No you get upset
I'm like dude, you clearly could get the fuck out of there, but you just want to sit there
No, no, my mama on this place get the fuck out. That is the other thing all scary movies suck
Like are some truly well done. Yeah. Yeah, but that's like there's a 24. There's like maybe you like 24
Hereditary 10 all-time hereditary is a great movie
So we're looking people yeah, there's only like you're looking 10 good movies
I won't argue I won't argue because most scary movies. You're just like acting
Yeah, yeah, have y'all seen that new Adam Sandler movie? No, but I want to
Say is it good? It's ass the space one. Yeah, I'm so excited. It's a big spider that talks to him. It's just like
Have you ever seen gravity?
No with Sandra Bullitt and George Clooney actually maybe I think I think you've seen that
Yeah, see that was good and it wasn't like it was I'm guessing it's it's him tripping out in space. Yeah, right it
Yeah, but it's it's it gets really weird. I don't fuck with it
Maybe some other people will fuck with it, but I don't fuck with it. Like it's just like it's a fucking giant spider
That's just crawling around talking to him. Is it a comedy? No, it's not a comedy at all. It's like super serious
And it's just like
Yeah, I'm so bored to have them show the spider
Man yeah
Oh fuck that dude, yeah, that look like that skittles no bro. You should hear his fucking voice though. His voice is insane
That's the part that like Eric God
Now when he had a voice Harry Potter
Yeah
We'll watch it I'm gonna watch I'm still gonna watch it. Yeah, I watch it
You know, I like old school
Singer yeah, yeah the new ones. I don't I like the one that had Kevin Garnett the uncut
Yeah
One in Sandler movie though. He was just playing in it. Oh, yeah, I liked him in it
Yeah, yeah, that was a good already coaches that NBA player the one that came out nothing long ago
I didn't see that you said that's a good. That's a good. I've heard it's really good
The Mexican guy right yeah, yeah one guy got cut right after it came out. Yeah
Apparently they he won like the Euro League MVP or something like that. Okay, like he actually is like he's a ball. Yeah. Yeah
You you want to know
Speaking of scary movies when I was younger, right my big brother. He's like seven years older than me and
Chucky I think child's play two or three had just came out. So we watched it
I wasn't supposed to watch it
Sneaking in there and I was like so scared and we lived right by a cemetery like literally here to the front of
Like the other buildings right in front of this
So I'll say about a hundred yards away from a cemetery and so he walked me me down there him and his friend
And he's walking down there. He was like, oh look over there and they and they I looked over there and they hid behind
The tombstones, but I didn't know so I'm looking around and I'm screaming trying to get out
You know cemeteries are hard to get out of you know, I mean, so I'm screaming I can't get out
I'm lost but the whole time they're like right there, but they don't tell me and then I have to run back to the house
I'm gonna scream and tell my mom he gets his ass
It was a good
Our cemetery
Yeah, dude, just pick one direction. No, bro. You get into the cemetery. It's
Especially when it's pitch black at night. You live next to Arlington. I was like sick. How big is this cemetery?
Huh? You live next to Arlington? No, dude. You've never been in a fucking cemetery before. Oh, dude. Love this
Yeah, go every day do the roads are the roads are like it's not even really roads if you take a wrong turn
You can't see outside true. I used to live next to one
I heard about that. It's about ghost on the
What swings and stuff like that? Yeah, that's yeah
My manager told me a story about how she went there with her husband
And when they were in their 20s and these are just scared the fuck out of kids like they hide behind the tombstones and like
Like wait for them to get comfortable and then you start doing little kid voices and scare the fuck out of them
Oh, yeah, so that was just a dog fucking with us
Yeah, probably or when so you said you went there and you heard it. I mean, yeah, I heard stories and shit
I went there once and there was some weird shit going on
But I never got to see the full action and everybody was telling me about it
Brandon man don't go there at this time and shit because then some weird stuff gonna happen
You might get pushed off a swing. You never know. That's what happened
Just walk up in there. Yeah, I can't walk from my house. I couldn't leave my house
Yeah, yeah got any ghost stories or anything supernatural or something you got scared of. No, no you believe in it the ghost and shit
No, but I don't fuck with it. Like if it happens like I'm gone like I'm not I'll believe it if I see it if I see
A ghost or something like that and I'm not I'm not on like some kind of psychedelic
Yeah, I'll believe it then but I'm not believing just because somebody else said I'm gonna see the ghost
But like going to dead children's playground at night like I ain't doing that. Yeah. Oh, no. No, I wouldn't do it
Yeah, I'm not gonna set myself up for it. I'll go to haunted places, but not a dead children
I even know they had that
Oh, yeah, yeah cemeteries crazy, I don't know man. I sure I believe it
Why not because I feel like if I say I don't then it's gonna happen to me and then it's just not gonna be fun
So yeah, I believe
Don't haunt me man. What you Brandon? Well me, you know, so see I believe Christianity
So I'm like, yeah, sure. I guess yeah
I don't know. I mean I mean me I'm like I haven't seen a ghost
But if I seen one I wouldn't be like, oh, holy good. How does this happen? It's a ghost. Let me leave
Well, you gotta do it
Like no if I see a ghost I'm leaving that's it
Just go what if you just bought you just got this if you just got this apartment
You spent all your money on the down payment. You just got in there two weeks in you see a ghost or whatever
You're just gonna move out
So what happened?
Money, I'll tell you what I'd rather die
Let's have a fucking pain right dude, oh
Wait, so what like what happened before like who did the previous owner die?
I don't know. It's just how many because if the previous owner died or something, huh? Then hell yeah
I'm out there, but it was like just normal
Normal go chill. Yeah, I mean maybe I'll stay but it's some fucked up shit happens. That's it
If it was a chill ghost, you know, if he chill and we don't yeah, we don't do nothing
Pass me that go smoke. I don't care man. We'll sit and smoke
Till you do some fucked up shit like hot me
That is some fucked up shit can't be honed people as soon as he pushed me down some stairs I'm out
crawling out
Escalated quick quickly to be the cool one and push you down the stairs. Yeah, they do that shit though. Oh, yeah
What made y'all want to start comedy?
I've always loved comedy since I've been feeling what made you want to do it. My boy would just make he
I told him I was like, oh, I would love to do stand-up and he kept on pressuring me impressed
Well, he kept on saying you should do it and then we went to kill Tony
I signed up and then happen to get on so then after that I came back here went to shenanigans
Did the open mic there and I was like, this is tight
But I didn't come back for like a month and a half two months and then once I came back
That's when I met JJ and everybody and they gave me all the open mics and I started to start doing them
And that's just fucking that's too fun
It's too funny plus plus I love fucking with people and I get to do that on stage
Especially now that I'm starting to warm up a little bit and and just be free up there
It's nothing more than having somebody think
Whatever you're saying is going this way and hit it fucking hard. That's fucking the shit because my juices flowing
Those platelets have got to unclot somehow
Those platelets have got to unclot somehow dude
What did you like start doing it?
I always wanted to try it and then I started doing it and I was just having fun and I just like meeting weird people and
Comedy allows you to meet. Oh really fucking weird people. Oh, yeah, so many people are weird like
It's just like the worst people from every single walk of life decide to do stand-up comedy
They just all meet in one place that you would otherwise never see that group of people ever
Like interacting at all. Yeah, and that's what I like about it, dude
It's just like the mall Parkway Place mall you go there. You'll see like every type of person that Huntsville
Oh, you'll see like grown men with cat ears and cat tails
That's like walking on all fours and you shut that you shut up right now. You seen that I've seen that shit
UAH is we're going too far
Alright, now damn it. I'm accepting but like that's fucking crazy. I'm accepting too. But see this is my whole thing
I'm trying to make a joke up like this. It's like that's your kink
That's something you do when you're if that's what gets you off, you know, I'm saying why are you doing it around everybody?
You know what I mean? Maybe like you they want to fuck with people but here goes the thing
I like the fucking just a short t-shirt and socks, but I'm not gonna go pick up my Starbucks like this
Yeah, you know what I mean? So they shouldn't be around walking on all fours because that gets the giblets going
I don't agree with is are they doing it for a sexual thing? I don't give a fuck
It has to be sexual you're putting cat ears and tails. I think just meant to be public
Did you want to be a cat come on, like what do we do? Come on, bro. You got to draw the line somewhere
Do we went to low mill and we saw like just a pack of furries like there was like 12 of them
Like there was like 12 of them. I can't believe this they're out in the wild. No. Yeah. No, it's crazy
I think they're they got to put litter boxes in school bathrooms down. Yeah. No, that's like a legit thing
I don't believe that I don't believe any if any school does that
They should be disbarred. They shouldn't be able to but you know, you know, it's free costumes like $3,000
Oh, yeah, that's very pricey. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, like it's a rich people problem
you paying $3,000 for an outfit like a
You don't get paid paying $3,000. Yeah, I appreciate it
You said that really fast
Cool with that I guess so do they have like a hole cut out or what we're going on
Oh, I didn't ask them that far. I just know there's no way they do it in that they probably got that's how that's what the variation
No, I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure they'd be fucking in in the costume. Oh, yeah, cuz then why wear the costumes?
True. They go like they have the parties and stuff
I
Guess
Don't know
Yeah, you guys never been to these parties
No, no, no, I've never really been to a party in my life
I wasn't like what was it one homecoming or something? But you've never been to a party
No, I never really been a part sister like my birthday party or maybe a homecoming JJ
You need to take him out take him to some of them. We'll give him to a frat party. Take him to a frat party
You have to experience a frat party and I can't go
Yeah, I remember like you won. Yeah that you're way too
Brandon I'm telling you now dude, you're gonna be disappointed
Are lower room? No, it's very lame like college parties are super late. I don't know which ones you go to man
Yeah, we got a side you so I don't know. I'm just talking about like in my experience. Yeah, you a h
It's not great. But also I don't I don't fuck a party like I'm not a party guy
I'm not like I'd rather like to kick backs like hang out smoke
Chill I don't like being around a bunch of like weird ass people like me my friends last year
We went down to Miami to meet it with a friend that goes to the university. We went to a rave
That was the lamest shit dude
They have to be on meth because they're like it's shitty music and they're just gyrating for hours and they're happy and like we're drunk
but like we're all like we're just making fun of the people there because it's like there's no way any of these people are like
actually real and
I mean like left we paid like 60 bucks to get it and we left like within 30 minutes
Yeah, I'm with you last time I went to a rave was like when I was 24
Or 25 and I was like this is that's when I started to be gonna come like this is the worst thing
I've ever been like oh my god, I need to leave like you said you paid all that money, but you're still like I don't give a
Fuck. I just need to get a brave isn't my thing dude. Never been the one don't really care to go
I feel I'd have a seizure with
It's just loud music and people gyrating
Yes, exactly
But like that for like hours
And it's ass like there's no words going on and then there's just a DJ to be like put your hands up
Yeah
Wasn't that the same that trap wouldn't that kind of like what happened with Travis Scott saying where people died and shit?
No, it's not no no it was neck. It was a concert. That's a concert
Okay, so a rave is just a party rave has is usually gonna have like lights
And fog machines and a lot of people there on ecstasy, which is a party drug that
Just makes you want like everything feels good or they have a
Method and then you just feel awake. It could be cut with different things. I'm not saying I ever took
Allegedly allegedly yeah allegedly. All right, Matthew this is the end of the podcast what you want to do right here
Say anything you have to promote all your tags and it'll be right up on the left
I'm following me on Instagram tick tock Facebook Matthews underscore stupidity and I appreciate it. Oh, yeah, man
Thanks for coming on dope
Thank you for having me