This week on clown college
Yeah, I don't I would want to be I would want to see you on who wants to be a millionaire
That's what it's called. Yeah, but see some of those questions. I'm just I know that's why I want to see you
I'll be out like the first one, you know
You would be the only dude to cash out at like $500 you get the first question, right? You're like I'm done
Contractually, you cannot make me keep going
If they if they I was like you just count down 20
This is the clown college podcast
We're just a couple open micers trying to make our way through the scene
We're we interview comedians throughout different stages of their comedy career
No matter if they're open micers headliners or traveling comedians. I'm here, too
Jamie 2.0. I just talk a lot more damn it Brandon go sit in the corner
Crack open this nice
Champagne a beer right here. Yeah, dude. Make sure you don't spill it
Destroy in the fucking set before we even get started man accidents happen, you know
I have these cherry 7-up zero sugars just get you rowdy. They do start knocking shit over. It's all about 40
Great 40 this motherfuckers like oh you didn't know about this great 40. Are you saying am I saying it right?
Grape, what are you saying red red? Grape is not a color. But who just knows this information?
I didn't notice good citizens people that perform their civic duties and you guys just aren't woke to like big soda
Big soda is trying to fuck you up
What's what's red 40? It's the dye they use to make things red
So like like a red skittle would have the fucking red 40 die
This cherry 7-up has red 40 and I think it gives you like ADHD it fucks with your brain or something
I don't know Brandy had a lot of red
And then I remember you talking about something early about some receipts or something
Yeah, the receipt paper now this one might not be true. This might just be my algorithm and I'm spreading misinformation
You know if I know I'm not dude, I'm a scientist
This is real receipt paper is supposed to be like really bad for you
I think something goes like secretes out of it
It perforates your skin and then you like lose IQ. Yeah, I'm trying to kill us
Yeah, I kill people and I touch receipts all day long at work. It's on fucked and I've been at a grocery store since I was 14
So you know that explains a fucking lie
I'm suing y'all
Shit so how was you guys? Oh, we haven't talked since a Christmas or New Year. Oh, yeah, cuz we had to record
We're not gonna do too much of the holiday shit cuz you know, everybody's tired. Yeah, we're over. Yeah
Hell yeah, my Christmas was pretty awesome though. Did you do when watched Godzilla?
Played when my nephews RC cars. I'm on the spectrum
100% but I'm having fun. Welcome to the club
It's making its way this way
Brandon effect dude. Yeah. Yeah, what'd you do? Brandon man? I had a great time
I got a I'm gonna say it I almost got drunk for the first time but Brandon failed at that. How'd you fail?
well because uh, I
Was doing at the wrong time. It was it was like some middle-aged white woman with me
We were all experiencing it for the first time what it was her first time. Yeah, it was all about first now
We were also giddy about oh my god, go take this middle
Who's the middle-aged white lady, oh it was a lot of them man, they were all we were
You a party with my girl, okay. Yeah, it was a New Year's Eve. Okay. Okay. We're all so excited
We don't really drink. Oh, okay. Okay. I see what you say. No, I said you say
Yeah, the only thing I got was a fucked up stomach man
Because apparently you're not supposed to do different things at once like I had a lot
by liquor and
Everything any which way, you know, yeah, yeah, like that shit. Okay. Oh
Did it for himself
We were talking to Brandon here's some inside baseball for you
We were talking to Brandon about using the sound effects before the episode
And I love we're like when somebody says something funny do the Badoons and he doesn't he was waiting
He was itching his finger just couldn't wait. That's what that's what receipt paper will do to you. Yeah
These are facts. These are facts hit text receipt dude. Why one more switch?
I like it
So for New Year's I went to Austin right to
Go see go to kill Tony but go to other shows to seem Ron white. Oh, dude
I'm telling you that hour was the best I've ever seen. I've seen Deja Pelle Joe Rogan
Oh, he did an hour. He did like hour 15. It was his show
He has two people open for him who were really good, too
And then the next night we went to see Heath Heath was at the Red Vans Club Sunset Strip
Killed it. He killed it Hans Kim. All those guys were there. But my favorite was Ty Rivera
I don't know if you guys know who he is, but he's fucking hilarious. I put a picture of him up
I'm talking about this dude will light that stage on fire and then got to talk to him on the street. Oh damn
Yeah, just met him after ten minutes. Like no, it was it was a different night. We were just you know, walking down 6th Street
I see most oh man, you're funny came up talked to us like ten minutes. So
these the
He does the keyboard for kill Tony in the back
Talk to him ate tacos with him for about 30 minutes. Hell yeah. Hell yeah kind of tacos. Oh, I had Al Pastor and
one boy had
Beef I don't know which one one of them. Yeah, whatever. You know, I'm saying I might look Mexican, but too big
Yeah, Ty Rivera Ty Rivera do what dude that is I don't know he looks like a juggler
He's great. No, it's crazy in person too. Yes. He has like piercings all around his lip like little balls
It's really crazy to like to see a person but I'm telling you just do is fucking so he looks like his podcast should be called
He's good though he's funny like really good do like like tear the house down good and then
Heath I got to see him for like a split second after he did his show
I just happened to be walking to the bathroom. He was right there. I was like, what's up?
He gave me a hug and shit. I don't know if you remember
Yeah, I was gonna say I even know if you remember who I was well, uh, he gave me a hug and shit
But then that's the night literally that night was a night. He went out and got some pussy
Legendary moment
Hell yeah, you know what fucking man
That shit was tight two shows there
Went to open Mike bombed. Hell, yeah, but it was all comics everybody bombed
They didn't laugh at anything, but uh, it was just fun to do it, you know, is that 4 p.m. At Sunset?
That's crazy. Yeah a 4 p.m. Open. Yeah, it was perfect for us
Cuz it was like that's the only time we had cuz we're going to shows all the whole time
Right, right and they have one literally nobody was in there but the comics and they had some that's some funny guys in there
Who I end up seeing later on like the Sunset Ships show that Heath was on what they did which was so smart
They have a show
Like so camp at they had two shows back-to-back on the early show cam Patterson
Headlined it he was doing the same thing on the other show
But they didn't tell the crowd that they're about to they're like they're like so your next comic and it was just one of the people
Who worked their open mic er and so they didn't tell the crowd
So all the crowd stayed and then you got to see these open mic er's go up or people who worked at
Sunset strip or whatever and they had like a lot of them and they like the audience didn't know at first
We didn't even know I was like who they got fucking following cam and his guy never heard of them
Oh, they were only doing five-minute sets and I was like, okay that's that's a good guy
Okay, that's that's a good setup to get people to stay there just to actually see trick people. Yeah
Yeah, but you still can buy drinks, you know what I'm saying?
Oh, yeah, do everything you were gonna do you just got some extra comics
I thought that was pretty tight and then went to the big kill Tony
Called a football
Shane Gillis is signature on there. We got Matt McCusker jet ski Johnson David Jolly
And then a lot of ones I can't read
Did Tony sign it though? I mean I have no I don't know what a signature looks like so I don't know
But I'm guessing he did right almost
We'll have to get our research guy to research the signature
We got Shane Gillie up there
Well, yeah, that shit was fucked man. That was a good new year. That's awesome though, dude
I also heard you want some some bottle service. Oh, yeah. So like when you when you sign up, right? They had like a
Spin the wheel for the red rose and yellow rose, which is their strip clubs down there. They sponsor them and
I spent the wheel the first time I got like a free lunch
We never picked it up because it was like far away from a hotel
And then the second time I just spin it and like the bottle service one is like this little sliver
And then the other ones are like real big like it was like a koozie or a hat or whatever
I was like bottle service and it came up bottle service. So we got fucked up
On new year's night at that red rose, which is
definitely the uh, the cheaper
The yellow rose the higher end because we went to the yellow rose too. And I mean that was like I was like what's happening
Right everybody in here. Just the
Best looking chick i've ever seen in my life. But then uh, the red rose had some um
They were uh, a lot of asking if we wanted to coke off their asses. Oh, okay
Oh
Dude when I heard you talk about the red what was that?
The bottle contest win, uh, I kid you not I was so hyped. I thought you won like an open mic or something
Oh, we got bottle service. Hell. Yeah
That's what they give you though, I didn't I didn't know I don't know what the fuck that is five dollars in a tootsie roll
What I'd be happy with that. No, I I want you know, I won the uh, the tab at so we went to fat sammy's
Great, mike, alex z and they were doing auditions for uh, black panther
Hidden dragon the black panther part and I haven't heard back. Yeah. Yeah, I mean we all we all apply
We don't know who won it. I got I won the tab though for next week. Oh, hell yeah
Oh, my first time winning that 10 beers with that. Yeah
Yeah, stone-brown avista or whatever the fuck what it's good too. It's a good beer
I don't know how much more they have though. I think they were they were running low
Could we be tearing that shit up two dollar beers for comics, man?
Hey shit, I think I had like six the sales for those just skyrocket on wednesday nights, dude
Oh, yeah wiping them out, dude
What happened on uh, what's going on man?
Shit. Well, we had that big ass break where there was like no open mics
Christmas and all that then it just happened
It wasn't the right week because there's some somewhere on like second and fourth somewhere on first and third
Yeah
But getting back into trying to prepare for the show tomorrow. Hell yeah, this will already be out but you know
Yeah, yeah, the newbie show the newbie show where we all people under two years
Yep, go in there and do it does a does a five-minute set and then uh, we rose jonathan silver
Yeah, one veteran comic. Yeah, one veteran comic. It's gonna be fun. Hell yeah, we're gonna kill it
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're gonna smack it. We got we got a new mic
On tuesdays two new mics. Yeah shag nasties shag nasties at
That's the later one. Yeah, like nine daniel castillo's daniel castillo's mic
Which is a good mike's biker bar, you know new setting. I love it
And then uh, you got jonathan silvers is the uh leads into that at pleasures pleasures right down the street
On tuesdays you got two mics you can come out to
Dude, I was talking to people about
This the the mic at pleasures since it's like a sex store. How weird is it if you see somebody, you know in there
They have no idea that you're in there and it's like your neighbor or something. Your professor comes in there
What the fuck dude, that would be my b plus
I'm telling everybody you bought this like dragon anal beat
Dude, that would be me. I'd be shopping there on the regular like no joke. I just go in there sometimes
I'm telling everybody you bought this like dragon anal beat
I'd be shopping there on the regular like no joke. I just go in there sometimes just for fun
And i'd be asking for recommendations. I'm like, what would you recommend this time and they'd be like, uh
I guess you get that all over there. Fuck it. Is it butterscotch? Yes
Tastes like butter. You wanted butterscotch. Yeah, they said pick a flavor
They pulled the butterscotch where there's original out of your pocket like i'm some hard candy
That's weird
What what the fuck was that brandon? I know that's fucking crazy
He's having a conversation with himself with himself. Yeah, that's what I do sometimes
I'm a crazy guy, man. I've been touching them receipts since i was 14. I told y'all that fuck with you
Hey, what's brandon thinks he got something. He thought he had diabetes because pat who is literally 300 pounds bigger than you
Was like he has that no shit. He has diabetes
And brandon's like I probably got it too. Yep. I was back there scared of that
I was like I was pointing at my girl. Oh shit. Hey, I had that this morning
Man, you're only 20 dude. You got time. Yeah, I know you don't have to end up like dumb dude. Yeah
My sugar is good. God damn it. All right
She said your sugar is good sons of bitches. I just got my blood drawn for the first time in my life on tuesday
How much of a fucking slap in the face would it be if i'm like pre-diabetic right now?
Because I I eat candy every day. I love it dude. I can't stop myself. You work out every day, too
And yeah, but so it just kind of like it neutralizes it like cancels out. So i'm just kind of just weird looking
It's the weirdest build
Because I am a dude that has eaten candy every day for the past two years
But also like worked out almost every day for the past two years. It's the weirdest build ever. Yeah, dude
You're good. You gotta reward yourself man. That's good
Yeah, you gotta reward yourself. You telling me
I got a friend he uh, he's like he's older than me. He's like, uh 39
He needs nothing but sweets like he doesn't like like regular food
He's just like I do it for substance, but he eats nothing but sweets and still small
Damn like good health. There's no way he's healthy though. Yeah. Yeah, they go to the doctor. He's good
He does he does work a lot like he works around the house he's always moving and shit
But you put a fucking flan he's puerto rican
You put a flan whatever it is pie cake thing in front. Oh, he'll eat the whole thing. He doesn't even cut slices
I'll go in his refrigerator and he just he just eats it out of the
Like his wife makes it and he just eats the fly out of a skill. Yeah
Yeah, he'll eat it out the whole cake pan with a fork. Damn. Yeah, nobody else touches the flan
Yeah, but white folks can't do that dude. We don't have the genes for that
What is this dish that y'all are talking about? Oh, it's good. I don't know. It's like a
Well, it's not gonna sound good the way i'm explaining it and i'm probably not explaining it right but it's like a gelatin cake, right?
with this fucking
I don't know syrup. I don't know what I don't know exactly what it is, but it is good delicious
It's good as fuck. I'll just explain puerto regan would be so mad if they watched it. I explain that horribly, but it is good
You can get it at like any mexican restaurant. Oh, yeah. Yeah, i'm finna try it there next time
Yeah, they got a bakery on jordan lane. I used to go to all the time when I lived over there
And uh does all that?
Whatever, you'll have to let me know what the call
Shit is right by the dollar general on uh, aldi
Aldi on uh university. Oh, yeah, I got you. Yeah, and then it's next to the dollar general though
All the best bakeries are next to a dollar. Oh hell yeah
Every trademark of the bakery when I first moved here
I was like i've never seen so many dollar generals in my fucking life in the most random locations just everywhere
Oh, hell, there's nothing else. There's gonna be a dollar general somewhere close by a dollar general is just a modern-day lighthouse
Yeah, it's like okay. I'm still somewhat in civilization. I swear I uh, I went to the aquarium on new year's eve
And they fucked me over dude. That's a whole nother story, but uh on the drive there it would be we'd be in like the
Tennessee like the foothills to the appalachians or whatever
And there'd just be a dollar general there with nothing else around
Like just the dollar general like it's it's they have them in the most remote locations
Random ass shit and it's not like they sell anything useful in there
Like they only sell food and like just basic shit
Yeah, you get some tummy like get some tums stop like if your car broke down
You could go to dollar general you could probably find a crackhead in the parking lot who'd fix it
So I retract my statement. Yeah, I said corrected dude. They'll change your whole alternator out for 20 dollars
Yeah, right there on the spot too
For some reason they have the tools
As long as you let them heat the rock up on your hood while they're fixing it
I feel like a crackhead would be a hell of a ma kiosk fucking person man
Because they gonna make sure you buy that shit. Oh, they want me correct, but they don't kick that for being too aggressive
Yeah, I can see it. They're gonna get somebody all you got to do is make eye contact with them and you know
Oh, that's oh, it's over. What you staring at me for? Yeah. Oh shit
Oh shit, what else is going on the world you see this cat in a williams interview
Oh, I heard about it. I haven't seen it with steve harvey. He was like talking about him or something talking about everybody
It's like two hours and 21 minutes. I watched it. I was uh, I watched like, you know most of it
He was lighting everybody up. He started with steve harvey sedgert the entertainer, uh
uh
kevin hart
Fucking like everybody in hollywood said harvey wonstein asked to suck his dick. Yeah
See now now look wait, he also said that
He also said that uh
He was uh offered a college scholarship at seven
and read 3 000 books from
Um, I don't know in like a span of three years. So he's insane
I guess I I don't know because I guess like I was looking at the comments
Some people were like, uh, he did get off his scholarship at 12 and he also said he could run a 4 4 40
Right now at 52 years old. So so we have to take some of these things with a grain of salt
He's still smoking. He's still smoking crack, dude
And that's the thing another thing he said he never did drugs which i'm just like I know
I know when people are on drugs and there was a stretch there where cat williams was yeah
He got beat up by the kid and shit like that
I'm just saying it wasn't all natural. There's no way maybe he just drinks though. I don't know
He never did a drug
He said a lot of things in there
But i'm kind of getting i'm kind of getting that uh, jesse smoulet
Uh, oh shit. I remember I mean this it's just like something like he some things he he's like
He talking about like steve harvey and what funny if you if you was around back in the day kings of comedy
It was just bernie mack. That was what everybody was talking about. He ended it
His set was fucking perfect and all that shit and I think dl. Heegley is funny
I think cedric entertainer is funny, too
Steve harvey stand-up never did it for me, but he had he has a good joke about uh church
He's like I went to church so much whenever I was uh younger
He's like he's like now I rather he's like if I have to go again. I'd rather go to hell
But that's how I felt when I was younger with the church so fucking much i'm like if this is what we gotta do to go
heaven
True, I might burn for eternity
You might be on the steve harvey pipeline, dude, if you do stand up like the steve harvey and wayne brady pipeline
I can see you hosting like a daytime tv game show
Let's make a deal that would make me want to blow my brains out. I would I don't care what the money is
Worst job couldn't do it because I can't control what sometimes I just say things
Yeah, it's not meant to be hurtful or anything like that. But it's what comes to my mind
And like like that dante trigger. I just say it. You know what I mean? What if you could do one on like bet plus
And they let you say whatever you want. Yeah. Yeah, if you let me say whatever I want for sure
Because i'm going to get in trouble. There's no way you I mean right now
I don't only have like this much digital footprint and it's all fucked up
I say something bad in every single there's not a lot but everything that's out there is terrible. It's hateful
If you were like, oh we're gonna cancel him or have a dip. Yeah easily
But you know what I'm saying is what it is. Oh my gosh, man, which which game show would you want to be on?
Like what you would be on like prices right? No, like a contestant. Oh family feud
Really? Yeah, but dude, I feel like I would get so pit my family dumb as hell
No offense to y'all, but like I feel like they would ask a basic ass question and just they would not get it right
They don't know what other people think they lived here their entire life
They're not connected with the culture dude family feud. You gotta be somewhat connected to real
Yeah, all my family they watch y'all family feud all the time like we we went out at our family reunions
We have a we do a family feud
Game like a whole setup with the table and a conference room at a hotel and shit like that
Oh, so we so we were I would probably be the week. Yeah, I do. Well, I'm trying to match in shirts. Yes
I do a joke. I do a joke like that. I do a joke like that. That's the blackest thing. Yeah, I'm like I'm black. I'm uh,
Uh, we're the same color shirts at a family reunion black on a cruise because that's what we're going our next
Our next one is on a cruise
Does your mom wear the shirt too? My mom doesn't go to these
She doesn't get
Oh, yeah
She didn't get invited to the cookout
She'll get invited but my mom's not she's not going she doesn't uh
They don't talk that much. Oh, you know that's out of the family and then uh, my mom
I'm not gonna say we don't get along but they don't do you know, it's just like hey. Hey
You know that shit like that good to see you
But they have like my grandma now
She invites her for christmas and stuff like if we if we do it down there
Yeah, but uh, yeah, like this was my german side of family. I don't know none of them niggas
Like I swear to god they could be they could be walking across right here
Yeah, are they all white?
Hell, yeah
They live in germany, though, I didn't want to assume that yeah
I don't think we I think we the only mixed ones in the family. That's why they disowned my mom at first
You know, oh damn it was like that. Yeah, two little nigga babies
You can't be you can't be missing the badum I know I was thinking about doing about like
I was like that's deep
Almost quick. Yeah
Yeah, I was like contemplating I was like
Oh, yeah, yeah, damn
Yeah, I don't I would want to be I would want to see you on uh, who wants to be a millionaire?
That's what it's called. Right? Yeah, but see some of those questions. I'm just
I know that's why I want to see you. I'll be out in like the first one, you know
I'm like, I got this you would be the only dude to cash out at like 500
You get the first question, right? You're like i'm done
Contractually, you cannot make me keep going. If they I was like you just counted out in 20
Reaches film is just
Can I get half of that in a money order do this
Yes
Oh
Shit man, I feel like if I was on there you remember the price is right with bob baker
Yeah, you remember that episode where that girl could not figure it the fuck out like she just kept on answering like
What was it? She was like they were like what's eight plus eight and she was like 25 and they're like what the fuck is wrong with
You know, miss like she just couldn't figure it out. Okay on the price is right. Why would they be doing eight plus eight?
My bad. What did he do? What was that? What was yeah, she was trying to guess the price
I went on a whole different train track right there. That's
She was hold on. Let me let me rephrase it. Uh, she couldn't get shit, right?
They were like they were like, hey, I must have spent so probably five fifty bucks what fifty bucks
No, miss, okay way less than that shit. She just couldn't get it. This was from a while ago. Yes, 2008
So you would do prices, right? No fuck that shit. I was saying I couldn't
You're working at grocery store. Yeah, hell dude every time they ask me
I'm trying to find it with my hey, man, how we gonna do this shit? No, no
Dude, they just go on a venture with Brandon. Yeah, that's what it is. The smallest publish
I'm looking at my fucking no, I'm sorry. Like seven miles. Nah, man
I'll be on family feud because no matter what you ask, he'll just look at you like you crazy
I can't believe he said that shit being well, that's the worst that can happen. Yeah
I think you do a good on family few
Maybe we should do a family few like uh, get the game. Oh my gosh
I'm down with all like you get four guys jake
Charlie charlie versus like you brennan
And dante like steve harvey y'all have matching shirts. Oh my god
I think steve harvey, dude, you guys have to have matching shirts though
You all have to have matching shirts for family few but me and we're all in like just like regular this shit
We would wear for real
Oh, yeah
Bryce has got a tight ass like camouflage
He's always got that tight ass
Hey, he ain't coming out that shirt ain't tight. Well, he's the strongest person in housefield the strongest comic in housefield
True, yeah, you feel like you would do good at the fast money part
If I went first
You think so if I went first I'd do pretty I would do pretty good because some of them there's only like one answer
Yeah, and it's what everybody thinks
So yeah, so like if I went the second person has to be the best at it
Because you got to be able to think on the fly. Yeah, you know
Because you know some of those you you know other shit
But in your mind you can only think of that one answer and you're like, oh if it's not that
Uh, and there's another answer there, but yeah
But I would do family. What are you gonna do?
Damn, dude, maybe just like let's make a deal because it's the easiest one. It's like pick
Curtain one two or three. There's no game. It's just luck
Let's make a deal. I don't let's make a deal. My grandma watches it all the time. It's the one that wayne brady is on
Where they're like where you get zonk but he's black
But like it's like the curtain one two and three, yeah, or you can take what's in this envelope
You know, like it's just simple shit
That is not that's are you smarter than a fifth grader? No, I got an explanation
When when you were talking about which one you would want to do I instantly thought of this man. I was like, dude
I don't know dude
Oh, do you remember uh double dare?
Yeah, yeah
That's uh wipe out mark mark summers
Mark summers used to do double dare. I would pay anything to see brandon do american ninja warrior. Oh, hell yeah, dude
Sign me up. You all listen, please make a fucking obstacle course. I will do it. I will do it. Wait. No, there's one in huntsville
It's like the ninja academy or whatever. I've never been there, but I've seen ads for it on facebook
I want to say film that it's obviously gotta do that. Yeah, i'll do it. I will yeah, i'm scared
For if we get like a year fucking do it like 52 episodes. We should go skydiving. Okay. No, no hold up now
Yeah, that's too far
I mean I would do it. I would do it. Uh, I have to lose some weight because
I'll say it on camera dude
If we can get to a year if we put out one every week for a year, dude
I'll go skydiving and film it. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I'll give i'll do it with you. Oh, yeah
Yeah, y'all go i'll go do the ninja thing brandon. You have to stand on the ground and record
I'm gonna make sure y'all make and then if we hit the ground post it on reddit, right?
Please post it i'll be like if I go down doing something I don't want to do when I came down
Oh, what do what if you survived that's what I was just taking only a crack head and then we mark it on the map
Boosie in the back if fitting all was there he would have died before he landed
If you feel a low magnitude earthquake in about 10 months from now
Yeah
That was your fight is dumb
I just imagine it in like looney tunes terms, you know
You go through the earth you're in china alexi is it yo are you talking about
Yo, yo, you remember when on norman refused your crash and the whole thing
Oh
Shit oh my gosh. Yeah, that will be fun. We we need to start thinking you never jumped out of a plane in the army
I did a air assault. So I repelled out of a helicopter. That's crazy. Oh my god, you got you got uh, how does that work?
So you make your seat which is uh a rope?
You make it. Uh, you just hook it up. So now whenever you're coming out you got a
Um, what's this thing called ring? Um
Ring not not ring but you do things you hook in and then
Yeah carabiner. Yeah those things. Yeah, those clip things. So you got that and then you hook up
You hook your that's that's hooked up to your seat
You hook it up in there and then you got the slack rope, right?
Which everybody's going to use to get off of there and then you just hook it to your seat
You hold it with this hand and then your right hand is your what your dominant hand is your break hand
So whenever you you come out you let it go you start uh rappelling, right?
When you want to break you bring it to your back and when you bring it to your back it stops you now
It sounds good on paper
But when we do it like you do it on a wall, you know to practice it
You got to go through you'll you do the helicopter last day of the training. All right, and so i'm definitely scared heights
Like I didn't want I I was already in the army for I was already at four camel for like five years until I did
It and everybody at four camel if you're not on a profile you have to go do air assault
I escaped for five years got a new first star. He was like what the fuck you ain't been to aerosols
Like get the fuck over there
They think you are go do aerosols. I was like i'm gonna fail this shit
But then I because I always feel the obstacle course because you got to climb
You got to climb this ladder that it gets more space in between
So the first five when you're like, oh i'm just doing it and then after that you have to like stand on one
Hold like hold the side of the bar and like climb up for the last two
I'm like, and so whenever I would get to that point when we're just training i'm like i'm not doing that
You know what I mean?
And then uh, and then I was gonna do that again
I was like i'm just gonna fail this part and then I failed the uh, I failed the course I get kicked out
And then uh, one of the one of the aerosol sergeants was like you little bitch. See now we had to go there
Damn, dude, that's all and that's all it takes and that's not a good thing
But that's all it takes. I was like, well, i'll fucking risk my life
And then when I got over I was so happy like I got over the last one and I was coming back down
I got so happy a little cocky that uh, I was like
I was just coming down and I missed a thing and I had to catch myself like this
on the fucking um
On the on the wooden plank. How high up were you like 30 feet like far?
Hell, you got but they they have like the big cushion things that you would fall on
But if you fall off the side, you ain't got that shit. You know what i'm saying?
I was holding on to the side. That's how I would get up. I would stand up
I'll hold on to the to the uh, the the big uh wooden thing on the side and then come over
So then once I did all that and we get there on the last day and then we uh
We all we had to do after we repelled the helicopter is 12 mile ruck march in three hours
That's that's the final thing you have to do. So
We're uh up on the helicopter and they're like hey you gotta do not break do not put your uh,
Your brake hand in the small of your back until at least three seconds
Three seconds is a long fucking time to be like free falling
You just fall so I instantly like I got out there. I got my ale you got to get in the ale
Let's say your feet out and you're leaning like this and then you go like that and that's how you jump back
All right
You're supposed to go three to five seconds because they have a skid on the bottom of the helicopter
And so my dumb ass was like as soon as I felt me I was like what?
And I stopped it. I hit my fucking hand on the skid broke my hand
So then after that, I was my adrenaline was pumping so bad. I was just like give me the fuck down here
So I was just like, uh, you know, I got down
And then uh, and I had I couldn't tell him I broke my hand because then they would kick me out
I had to do the 12 mile ruck march. I don't need my hand for a ruck march
You know what i'm saying? So I did that but the next person who went was a captain dude
And this motherfucker could his uh key ring on the wrong thing. So he wasn't um,
I can't explain it all the way but he put his key ring on the wrong thing
So he couldn't repel so as soon as he went out he hit the side and they had to pull him back up
And we're all watching as like if if I went if I went after him, I wasn't doing this
Oh, yeah, like they like they had it like because they're hooked in you know
They're all the way on the helicopter pulling this motherfucker back up. I'm like hell did it fuck him up
No, he was good
But it was just he was hanging out there and he couldn't do nothing like he couldn't repel because he had hooked this key ring
on the um on the wrong part
So, uh, i'm like and the aerosols are had to get in trouble for that because they're supposed to check that shit
We don't know what the fuck we're doing all the way, you know
But yeah, that shit was uh
That was one of the things I did that I was like I never thought I would do because i'm fucking so scared of height
Yeah, that's crazy. He's gonna applause for you, man. We need to just take a second. Damn aerosol baby fuck airborne
It's aerosol right here one-on-one gang bitches
The fellow person scared of heights man, I salute to you
That should not burn your hand though when you break you wear big gloves
You you got to wear you got to wear inserts and then your they have to be leather gloves
and then um
But hell yeah, if you don't have no gloves that shit will fuck you up
uh
Yeah, but the hardest part of all of it is getting the ale because you have to extend your legs all the way out
Right, but keep your front this side of your body in a l, you know what i'm saying?
And it's it's scary to do that. Like it sounds like okay, you're just standing there
But when you have nothing below you, you know what i'm saying? It's like oh fuck like i'm really about to
Go out of this bitch freefall
That's the feel of it, but you I still feel like you have more control than jumping out of fucking airplane
Yeah, you just have the will of your parachute at that point like if I fuck up then I would die in uh in air assault
But you know also they had people down there to help you out like a spotter or whatever
So they could manually stop you if you were going too far
but uh
but yeah on um
Fucking airborne is if your parachute works, you know what i'm saying?
And then you land right because a lot of people parachute work
They don't land like my brother's airborne and he had a whole bunch of people who broke their like femurs and shit
By not landing right?
Damn, bro. I know that shit hurts femur. I mean that's gotta be the worst bone to break. I think it is
That's fucking crazy. That is like how much how much time do they get you to learn this shit before you jump out of the plane?
Airborne is a little longer. I don't know. I don't think it's a month, but it may be a little less than a month
Air assaults on like 10 days
10 days to do that. Hell no. Couldn't do it. It's just fucking crazy
No, it's but it's like 10 days of immersive training like you're you're going you got to run everywhere in every step
You say you gotta be air assault air assault every every left step is air assault
Yeah, so so they break you down to be like you're gonna listen to every fucking thing
We say even if you're a high rank and like we had a lieutenant colonel get kicked out by a e5 sergeant
It's not that high right? He was like yeah, I got here late. He's like get the fuck out of here
Yeah, and then and then he's like the lieutenant colonel was like, what are you talking about?
He's like you've been late the last two days
You don't have your shit get the fuck out kick them out and they got he's back by the general, you know
over the whole post at Campbell and
Yeah, so don't matter what your rank is
You're gonna listen to the air assault sergeants because they already did it
They done did this shit a million times
You know what I mean?
You know what they're doing and then you when you fucking with people's lives
You ain't got time to yeah, who gives a fuck if you're a lieutenant colonel, you know how to do this shit
You know what I mean?
But yeah, that's the fun part. So don't
Hate to see the not fun parts going to the
Welcome to Brandon's corner. It's story time
Greetings and salutations everybody today. I'm going to tell you all the story
So I need you to buckle up sit down get comfortable do whatever you got to do to listen to this shit
So I had a friend recently. Uh, he told me some shit that uh,
he recently
Is dealing with and it's tough. It's tough. I never expected this to happen to somebody what what happened was he opened the door
And he sees a man smoking crack like this
And his friend is a fucking crackhead his boyfriend is a crackhead he goes up to him he's like hey man
Why are you doing all this crack man? Hey, he's supposed to tell me everything. I thought I could trust you. He's done me like
Hold the fuck up
I'm a crackhead, bro
I'm sorry if you don't like it, but I do crack and
You're gonna have to learn to live with the shit
If you don't learn to live with it
Then you could get the fuck up off the boat because that's what life is like a boat
And i'm stirring the shit and you can stay on or you can get the fuck off and that's what happened because
Who the fuck want to stay over crankhead man? All your shit's gonna be fucking destroyed
You're gonna sell your tb for 25 cents and shit. So he was like fucking i'll leave but it was respect
mutual mutual respect
Because think about it man
That's how we should all think
Be you if somebody tells you not to do something be like fuck it. That's who I am
If you're racist be racist if you're doing shit, just fuck it
This is america. Don't catch me slipping up. There you go, bro. Be you
Be like the crackhead
Goodbye
Can you say there's somebody like jacking off on people's faces or something?
What you had like a serial
Masturbator. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So when I was so when you when I was going to campbell
I was leaving korea coming to camp you go to reception if you're single and you don't have a family
You stay at this like barracks place
And it's like uh, you get usually four to six
two
Four to six people stay in a room. They got bunk beds in there, right?
And uh when you when you come in you get a briefing every every duty station you go to you get a briefing about the
About the layout what you're gonna do and one end the briefing they were like lock your doors at night
And it's like because we got a guy coming around here jacking off on people's faces
Releasing seed onto people's faces and running so the people like they'll wake up like what the fuck and this dude's already gone
training and he was whenever I was going through reception like they were so
Keen about it because I guess either was happening or it just happened and they were like lock your fucking doors
And they gave us this example. I was like, well gonna lock my door tonight. Yeah
Unless you want spurs on their face
That sounds like something parents tell their kids when they want
It's like, you know go to sleep or somebody's gonna come in here and jerk off on your face
Hey, he's just trying to make a better garden
I'm surprised you didn't hit the
Right, that's how you got a load out of the pithos. I don't know how much of that I believe though
You know i'm saying like the people jerking off in the river
To make sure you get a good harvest. That was just a weird dude that was in the like voyeurism, you know
Like there's no scientific basis. Oh, no, they don't know what no. Yeah back then you could you could say anything just a mesopotamian pervert
Yeah, he could have been just mad at him like that nigga was jacking off in the nile river
Or something, you know, like what the fuck?
They caught him jacking up. They're like, what the fuck are you doing, man?
He's like it's for the you know, a newb ish told me to do it
For the plants and fucking corn or whatever the fuck we grow
You know what?
And all that has to happen is it randomly happens?
Yeah, like he does that he tells people that then it's like like the corn starts growing and they're like, oh well
I guess you do have to jack off and you know, it's just something that just was gonna happen everybody out there
It's just jerking off into this river
I mean, we need a new harvest. Come on
And then it all fails and it's like it's because one of you doesn't believe hard enough
Oh my gosh, that's what that's what always blows my mind about like human sacrifice
Who was the first person to be like let's throw this bitch over the river. You know what I mean?
Yeah, we got throw off the cliff. We're not getting any fucking rain
No, man, I remember in class we learned like it was in that the aztecs would do the huge they would take like prisoners of war
When they would fight like the neighboring clans or tribes or whatever and they take the prisoners of war and sacrifice them to their god
Like pull their heart out and shit
Yeah, they didn't eat them or nothing. They weren't weird. They just tortured them dude. I didn't even
But you gotta think some of these droughts and shit were like for hundreds of years
Is yeah and that just fucks you up. That's like, you know generations of people who've never seen rain. That's fucking wow
Yeah, that's crazy. How do you even survive though? I don't know. How do you get food? You got a trade?
You got like sell your wife for sure do something like that. Sell kids sell the kids first
They were selling kids in america during the great depression great depression
Bought a couple you think fuck I don't want no goddamn kids buy some but that was back in the day when you could discipline them
And like yeah make them do shit for you
That is how sick would it be if you could just make them go buy a pack of cigarettes for you
You can stay here and edit the podcast. God that'd be so good. Hey, yeah
Get a beef jerky too. You have to write them a note be like it's for me. It's like it's for my dad dude. Come on
That will be tight. See kids are good. I guess uh, whatever they get to a certain age and they can do shit for you
But before that they're just fucking leeches man. They used to be useful until they made all these fucking cps laws
Yeah, yeah bullshit. No, you I thought this was a free country. Yeah, I did guess not. I made them
Why can't I fucking hit them?
I don't get it. You got to be able to you got to be able to spank
I'm not saying beat the shit out of them
But some of these kids you could tell even they're like your age or oh a little bit older than you even like I would say
Like 27 and below you could tell some of these motherfuckers ain't got the shit smacked out of them
Oh, you ain't got to beat them with a view ain't got to do all that shit
Just smack fire from motherfuckers face. Yeah, they feel that shit for the rest of their life
Oh, yeah, you're sending a message. Yeah, I remember the first time
First and only time I ever said I hate my mom
She was leaving somewhere. I wanted something and I was like she was getting in the car
I was like, I hate you and I slammed the door. I felt like I was a shit. I heard that door open
She commenced to whooping beating the shit
And she did I probably only got like well, this is what she says every time
She only whoops you a handful of times but that that was when I remember I was like never saying
I hate you to my mom again because she she came through that door like fucking kool-aid
Yeah, kick that bitch down and whoop my ass. I'll say dude. I'll say this my fifth grade teacher
I went to a public school
My fifth grade teacher had a paddle in her classroom and would call kids parents and if their parents agreed get the fuck out of him
In front of the class. Oh, it was crazy and it happened to me one time dude. I was like never
You got paddles in front of class broke the eighth amendment, dude. I can't even remember what it was for either
I think I was just talking when I wasn't supposed to be and shit, and you know, my fucking grandparents aren't going to be like
No, yeah, and be like whoop his fucking ass. So like they like dude. It was terrible
I swear my feet came up off the floor dude. There was holes drilled into it
It was like a thick ass piece of wood get the handle. I don't want to know where she bought it
That was like 2015. All right. I wasn't in the fifth grade
2012
God damn, I know they still did it alabama don't give a fuck. I don't even know if that was okay
Like I don't I don't even know if that was legal, but it 100 happened dude. She had a paddle in the classroom
I remember it vividly wild and my grandma used to hit me with whatever she had at the ping pong pad
The wooden back scrap whatever the fuck she had and I mean I don't hold it against her dude
I wasn't that bad of a kid, but I was fucking I was ill. Yeah, sometimes you fuck up you need that ass
Well, yeah, you know you got that was my
They had paddles too at my school like one time they were trying to whoop my ass or something
My mom came in there like nobody whooped my kid's ass
But me then she put me in the car she was quiet as fuck man
That was the most quietest ride of my life and then she had me go in the room. She like closed the door
She waited 50 minutes
I'm trying to put all the clothes on cover my ass and get ready and then as soon as she opened the door all that
Shit went out the window. I just ran for dear life and tripped over my fat ass because I was like big and I was just rolling
Then she grabbed me. I tried to crawl
Janked me back and then got me like
Took the pants off. I was almost butt naked except my underwear
Fucking horrible shit
Yeah, it gets real like primal real quick
Because once you decide to run away you hit the abort button you realize it's just your physical abilities versus theirs at that point
And when you're a kid, dude, you're getting your ass
Every time and then she'll take you to the foster care and be like, you know what you could be here
Be keep it up. Oh damn
She did that to you. Yeah, she be on scared straight
You keep it up you gonna be here fighting every day
Fuck then them foster kids bro. Yeah, I'm fucked up
like a lot of my family works with the uh
But these are the like the foster kids who are uh, like get taken from dcfs and shit like that
I got little mental problems. Yeah, and uh, the motherfuckers will fuck you up. Yeah, they get in your ass
It was so funny this dude. He was the big basketball. I give him gut. Yeah
Gus so gus, uh, he was working there and he was like put it on his facebook post his big ass facebook
Put now these kids and they slow because they like got something wrong with
And he was like, I just got assaulted at work. So I guess the kid was like hey come out here
He told him he couldn't he couldn't he had to go to bed. All right, he said he hit him with the laptop
I'm like, damn in the back of the head and start stumping his legs
I swear to god, I hope I can find a face before
He said they was stopping his legs soon as I soon as I seen this everybody start calling like did you see the thing?
Gus got
What he hit him in the back of the head with a laptop when he failed they start stumping his leg
I think it was just the one and when you see the dude it was like a little scrawny kid and we're like gus
You could have just whooped his you know, you could have just held him down and stuff
He's like man, he hit me in the back of the head with his lap
Yeah, when they but when they sneak sneak hits you bro, it's over. Come on, man
I don't care you get hit and like cracked in the back of the head by like a toshiba laptop, bro
You're not getting that might be it
And the only way you can get up is with your legs dude that they're smarter than you think
They go for the weak points. You know what they can do. That's the ewoks
They can't beat the stormtrooper just face to face. They got set up booby traps and shit
But home alone he had to set up traps. You just got situational awareness
Vietnam they knew the terrain dude
Oh shit
You got any funny work stories or crazy? No shit's not really happening work. Work is always depressing dude
Nobody ever falls off that fucking
Swinging dude. The thing is if you fall off into that net
Yeah, you have they won't get you out they make you stay in it until the fire department gets there
Really?
No, is it? No, it's like legally it's it's some fucking code that like you can't do it
And you can't physically pull yourself up
I don't I don't I mean nobody's gonna like hold you down
Yeah, yeah, but i'm saying is it like is that because you you it's probably hard to get up through that net
Like to get back up there and grab something
I mean if you don't have the physical ability to stand up not fall over when you swing a golf club
You're probably not gonna be able to pull yourself out of that net
And you know our infrastructure is questionable at best. So if that net might just break
You might fall through and hit the next one. I've seen i've seen somebody on uh online like fall all the way
They missed the net. Yeah, it's a small ass net
It's probably only rated for like up to 150 pounds
So my ass ain't going right to that this day me too. I'm a dude
People throw the golf clubs all the time though. That's always fun
Okay, and every once in a while somebody will hit one and like slice it so far. It like hits the next person's machine
One day somebody's gonna get hit one time
So I bounce it off the fucking thing and i'm out there cleaning up
Some mess somebody made and the fucking thing whizzed right by my head and hit the wall
Oh hell, no, man. Yeah, if I get hit by that dude, i'm coming for all the money in the world. You're gonna be rich
I don't make it
Do you get to drive the car out there?
Hell no, dude. That's the facilities people that do that. I'm not doing people try to hit the car
Yeah, they tell you don't hit the car everybody want I try to I thought they were making it so you would hit the car
Like I thought well they armor it up. Yeah, like it's like an armored vehicle
They put all the pads and the metal bars on that's the best time to shoot is when the car's out there
I thought that's what you're aiming for when you're on the first floor people will put it on the tee put the ball on the
tee get the driver and just wait for it to come by and just unload into this fucking thing
I'm not gonna say anything about give a fuck fuck that guy the facilities people stop eating all the fucking food that they make
Dude, yeah, they eat all the fucking food, dude
The facilities are just some bunch of biggins. They're already on the first floor where the meal comes out and they go and they get it all
Okay, they get it all it's fucked up. Yeah, it's fucked up. They know what they're doing
You know what since we are up here telling people statements at the jobs and shit people
You gotta stop fucking up these bathrooms and grocery stores man, cuz people gotta clean that shit up
I had somebody do a revenge shit put it all over the fucking walls and
Sinks and shit and everybody's like bread and you could do it and as I'm cleaning they like you want a free sub
Who the fuck want to freeze up after that bullshit?
Shit, then a homeless lady was taking a shower in there rubbing all this shit. They're like Brandon. Can you do that?
It's just in a mouse. I don't fuck with mouse
It's horrible, man
They love me to clean
They had you clean so they they like shits on the wall get brand yes
Yeah, every time and everybody felt so bad. I feel so bad for him. He's gonna enjoy that sub though. No the fuck
I'm not no, so what do you want?
You got gloves, I hope you all hell yeah
Mask, yeah gloves well kovac season. Thankfully. Yeah, I had a mass. I just got gloves mass. That's it
Why was somebody coming a bathroom smear shit? So they got mad cuz we kicked him out the first time
Yeah, yeah elephant. They know what they kicked him out for
smearing shit on the water
And then he came back. He's like fuck you guys repeat offender. Are you saying?
Yeah, like a civil war
No, I said what he looked like
Lieutenant Dan
Elephant foot
Lieutenant
Feel you I fuck that I don't
Okay, they're asking me. I'm like no
Oh, yeah, hell no you do it the like if you had to do it one time. I'm not doing it the next
I'm not doing it the first time. I'm gonna be honest. I don't I think you could not pay me enough to do that shit
If that's your job you guys don't have a janitor right? We are gender. Yeah, they are the janitor
So you have to rotate that out. That's a manage. That's the manager's job. I'm like look dude
You're you're our leader you go in there and you clean the shit up. I gotta go fucking help this lady check out
I don't know. I got anything but this
That's why they go to brand new don't bring every time like it was so bad
They're like damn when you clean every fucking time somebody like that's cuz he's so damn good
I'm gonna start to stop being good
Wall with shit on
Shit
I'm not guys
Those soup to the level hell
If you're ever in a public restroom smearing shit on the wall, dude
You made a bad decision that I was somewhere along. Yeah, I mean you're great
You're insane
if you if you are touching shit unless you're trying to get out of a drug case or a murder case if
You're touching shit and smeared it on stuff
You're clinically insane. You know, they're gonna do that. Try to get out of shit
Yeah, how does that help you to get out because they say they're crazy
so you killed somebody now you want to smear shit act like you eat it and all that shit and then
He's crazy. No nigga trying to get off for that 30 years
but uh, but if you like just so regular I
Don't know. I just thought about this like let's say you were like drunk and you hit a pregnant lady
Killed her. It's like try to plead insanity. You go out and kill another pregnant lady. See I'm crazy
I'm crazy
Don't fuck with me like only only an insane person would do the exact same thing
Yeah, but they gotta keep them both like those are ones I'm scared out of real crazy people. Oh, yeah, dude
Could I love crazy like genuinely crazy people terrifying but I love watching them dude like on TV, right?
No, I've met some crazy ass people in real life. Like this person is not okay. Uh-huh like dude
It's not all they don't got it going on. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but in an aggressive way
Aggressive way like like you scare you black. Okay, he might
Might fuck where they just don't fuck with anybody. Yeah, even if you're cool with them, they might still just kill you
Yeah, I don't like that. That's not fun. Yeah. Yeah, nobody likes to feel insecure in their relationship
Yeah, you know that dude
Okay, but uh
Did you guys see about the dude that beat the fuck out of his fucking teacher for taking his Nintendo switch?
Oh, yeah, like six foot eight
Knocked their ass out. He was autistic or something. All right, man, it was fucked up. He beat the shit now
He was like 16, but he looked like he was 30 and even when she was knocked out he was still yeah
Yeah, it was it was rough rough to watch that you got a lot. You got me
I don't give fuck he might be out there trying to say he out this who gives a fuck
For a minute. Yeah, you got to lock him up
You got to do something with him put him in an instant mental institution or something
You can't be beating somebody you beat somebody why they unconscious that's a sign of
Of uh, you know, I'm saying psychopath. Yeah, you can't beat like if they cuz you can't beat somebody when they look dead
That's a crazy but what I say
I'm imagining it. It's like they're like, yeah, he beat the fuck out of that lady that defenseless woman
Yeah and continue to hit her while she's unconscious. It's because he doesn't pick up on social
Kids, what are you talking about? Dude? It's that's not like a somebody going unconscious. He didn't notice stop. Yeah
Well, you shouldn't have started that's not really the main
That's why whenever people be saying like whenever they like if these person murders somebody oh, but he's he's insane
Yeah, there's ain't saying ass need to don't be around people
Yeah, this doesn't get that's not a reason for you to get out earlier just because you're mentally unstable
That's a that's actually a reason to stay in longer. Oh, yeah the person who killed somebody and then they were like
Oh, I changed my ways and then they'd be lying too. But you know, I'm saying I'd rather have that person out in the street
Then I would just somebody who just killed them cuz I'm sling blade. You ever seen same place
I hit him with silent like matter this nigga need to be locked up loved him loved the movie
Yeah, but he needed to be locked up. He just ready to kill somebody
Oh, yeah, you know I'm saying at least like help him find Jesus or something
Jesus Allah Buddha something fine. Uh, was it Zina?
Find one of them motherfuckers the goddamn
Then people scare me the most me too when I was in high school up
We had Columbine had happened like in 1999. I was in high school like in
2002 I think was my first year and when I was born I was born a year later. Yeah
Yeah, yeah young motherfuckers. But when that shit was I was always scared. I was like be nice to these motherfucking the weird guys
Yeah got to be nice to him and Dila wouldn't
Do you know what the water you know, he'll fuck we love is on the hit list for sure
Oh, he was definitely. Oh, he's definitely on some hit list. Yeah, for sure. Luckily a lot of people done died already
I'm just that luckily when I'm called a bomb threat in you ever had that
Oh, yeah, we had a guy that they wouldn't let them they made them start wearing a clear backpack
Yeah, you I remember that joke and I'm just like I don't he still has his car like in the parking lot
Y'all don't we don't have metal detector. You just open up the doors for 30 minutes
Like we they could have came in and killed everybody in there did
That we are schooled in the school of metal detector
I mean we I mean we grew up with school shooting
Yeah, Sandy Hook like that happened when I was in elementary school. I didn't give a fuck back then. Yeah, damn
Well, yeah, cuz I mean, it's just such a crazy thing to I mean you have to be really really in this in the south
We're fine. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we have got yeah, I was gonna nothing like that. Yeah, he just probably got a gun in a drawer
Oh hell yeah, I know a lot of them now be like I'm ready to fuck some shit up
I'm ready to fuck some shit up. I'm ready to fuck some shit up. I'm ready to fuck some shit up
Oh hell yeah, I know a lot of them now be like I'm ready to fuck some shit. Oh, yeah
They were waiting for ya'll they were fretting us man
What what they used to fretting us sometimes I wonder he's like pull up at y'all house and whoop your ass with my cane bitch
Don't play with me and then he called me a dumbass in front of everybody straight after he did
They like that and Brandon you with that dumbass response. That's why you got a big ass head and small brain
I was like, come on, man. You can't be doing what grade were you in when this freshman in high school? Oh
Yeah, I go I had a teacher like that big game James big game and he hated when you bite big game
He had it. He had like he had one tooth. He had a bald head and he was uh, he was like real tall
But he had like a fucked up knee
So he walked with like this shake shit and every time he come by black big game
He'll say that who said it and he got so mad at me one time
I even do nothing to this punk ass motherfoot, but somebody threw something at him and I laughed of course
I'm a laugh because he goes to me who did that? You know, he did it's funny. And so, uh, so I laughed
He said he said he said come here motherfucker. I was like, well, I got that we had lunch, you know I'm saying
So we had to walk back up to we in the lunch. We had to walk back up to our class
I'm going to a class right next to here. So I'm just walking there. He he hounded me like he
Next to me. I whipped my girl too. I'm trying to buy them like oh man
He like he like your dick in the booty ass your mama your daddy all y'all just
Fucking hey like that in front of everybody like the whole school was following us
Don't know school was like fuck and so I'm like, I'm like coach why you better get your ass up out my face, man
Trying to talk like that trying to act a little hard and then uh, he was like he was he's like no you laugh at
All these white motherfuckers. There's only two black teeth. You want to laugh at these white motherfuckers
I'm like it was guns who threw the shit at you. He blacked
Yeah, what fuck you talk about a black dude named Gus. I don't believe it. Yeah
So then so we walk up to the thing and he's still and at this point I'm talking shit
But I'm like fuck you you old-ass motherfucker you crackhead bitch cuz he used to do come
I'm like you crackhead a bitch and he hit my books out of my hand
Push me and I went to go like dive at him and mr. Griff or a Spanish teacher grabbed me back
He's like no, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. I got suspended
Hey, I got I was a good wrestler like I went to college for wrestling
I got spent it during like a big wrestling competition
I got spent it during like a big wrestling meet that I tried to appeal it
They was like no this motherfucker ain't getting nothing. That's bullshit. That is bullshit
Oh, he's he tried to hit me what you know, he did doing a stop sign thing
You know what? I the school teachers sometime do the stop sign and he turned it long ways and swung it at me
Oh hell what yes, well he stood I'm telling you we then you know my retaliation. I don't go tell shit
No, no, no motherfucker. We're going to your house. He had a Cadillac
We wrapped that bitch with saran wrap through all the trash from his dumpster right there on it went knocked on his door and left
Damn, and oh we covered it in toilet paper like we fucked it
Well, we didn't we didn't do no damage to the car
But he had to do a lot of shit to get in that motherfucker
Yeah, I know y'all motherfuckers at my house, but he probably thought it was Gus cuz Gus
That's how I found out one of the reasons would that's some
That's how I found out a little bit autistic with a teacher fucking with me man, because in second grade
I was in art class and I said hey is this straight like if this is a good line or something
She said nah, man and push me on the ground and then like I was so shocked to my mom got her fired the next
Day and we would tell like folktales about her shit. So you got a fire. That's good
Push me to the ground. I'm in first grade. You can't push like kids six years old
You ain't supposed to
What the fuck kind of schools were y'all going to man?
Chapman
Centrair high school baby
In tray high school they had it all we had but we didn't have no this is what the thing was
We didn't have no teachers fucking students guy or girls
I'm pretty mad about the fucker. We had couple fine teachers. Y'all had that right?
We had that. I was close. They weren't putting out back then
No, it was but it's only cool when it's a female teacher male student. We had the opposite
So it was like male teacher female students. So it just wasn't even cool to talk about it
Just like that's the weirdest double standard, but I mean like it just it's just like you that's kind of gross, bro
Whenever I was in high school, we had a fucking dude
It was like when the war or two that yes
So the war had just was popping off and this girl in my grade and we were sophomores had her military
Boyfriend come talk to us about the war in class and now at the time you didn't think him like oh shit school
She's made she's like going out with this army guy looking back now. I'm like she was 16 max
She's 24 the teachers like oh I teachers loved of his shit and back there
Back when we had patriotism you can do shit
He's by far cut we had common enemy people that look like Dom
Damn
We had a we had like some crazy like redneck teachers when I was in middle school because we were kind of out in the country
But we had this one dude. Mr. Shatterfield my geography geography teacher. He had one leg and one fake leg
He got it ripped off by a tractor when he was like a teenager
but at the pep rallies
He would take it off and like throw it like swing it around throw it into the crowd and people like pass it around
We're in middle school kind of weird, but that's cool man
Nobody in our all our sports team suck so it wasn't like a big celebration
He just kind of did it to do it
But he'd also like throw it at people in class if they went to sleep. Uh-huh. He like throw the fucking prosthetic way
I'm like you think that thing like ten thousand that's like half your yearly salary, right?
He's right about buck on man that rustling
Huntsville forever gang gang. I didn't even go to buck one day. Oh
My fucking God Sparkman
You didn't have a bad I'm sorry. I don't know why I thought you wouldn't buck on for a split second
I just looked at no you do my bad and like a lot of you people out there
I don't know what any of this shit means Sparkman was good though. They had a pretty good wrestling team
Fuck them clip of the week you ready watch some clips Dom. Let's watch some clips man
I'm smoking cigarette
Go
That's a great job
Yeah, first bit is definitely a January 6 outfit
That uh
Yeah that uh fucking I loved all those jokes the rock hole was just
No, I just I see I remember when he went up I'd seen that guy before
But I didn't remember talking to him talking about that shit the wrong hole. I just I somebody told me that one time
They were like, there's no I think it was my dad actually. He was like, there's no such thing
There's only people not brave enough
That's like that
I've never met you dad before that's right old bread for hell
Dude, you gotta meet he's he's you he's a you love him or you hate him type of guy because he's never not gonna be
Himself. I'm a level bit. He's crazy. I love all people. That's the best type of people man
I'll be yourself to be when you be faking shit like that. People can see that shit. Mm-hmm though
You can see right through that shit. Yeah, it's only one way to be is your goddamn self people like it fuck
Yeah, you gotta be you man. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I won't have it any other way
Go I don't like whenever they don't pay me back whenever they said they were gonna pay me back
It's one time. I caught a friend who didn't pay me back in time at a Dairy Queen
Ice cream is for the rich
Great value pudding and I'm being nice
I pick this clip for so many reasons
First of all, it was very nice in the first half because that's a good tagline for that joke ice cream is for the rich
People laughed at it and then uh, the fellow comedian men
Yeah, I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man
I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man
I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man
That a fellow comedian men. Yeah, Aiken
She's cool. She she asked to read so one of her ticks, you know, she called Tom the F slur which is hilarious
What'd you call her Trisha Takenawa Trisha Takenawa for the family guy
Nobody I mean it got a little bit maybe couple people do Jake. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right Jake laughs
And then Michelle, is it Michelle Yeoh?
I was like Michelle Yeoh, fat.
Fat.
I mean nobody, I'm talking about her.
And then I was like oh okay.
I'm like okay she could call me a fat bitch but I can't.
But nobody, like these random people didn't remember.
It doesn't matter, the joke is solid, I love it.
I had it planned out.
But it's just hilarious to me that you like
throw your hands up and you're like,
why is nobody laughing that much in front
of a disabled person?
What the fuck, this is fucked up.
It's like, I'm publicly shaming the person with the disease.
Why are you not laughing, I don't get it.
This is like that canned Philly skit, you remember?
I mean it was funny.
But it's also even funnier that people didn't laugh.
To me that makes it more funny than it people did laugh.
Like when you watch that, like watching it back right,
that's my first time watching it back.
Nobody laughs.
And you're like, oh my god, what's going on guys?
We're comedians, dude, she's a comedian.
She called me fat and it's like yeah,
well she couldn't help it.
She also told me I was smoking a cigarette.
She was like, before this show, and she was like,
don't smoke, you're gonna die at a Barry Grave
or some shit like that.
I was like, thanks.
Dom considers that a personal attack.
Yeah, don't tell me to fucking stop smoking, I tried.
Dom's been quitting smoking for the past six months.
He's on the right track.
Yeah, he'll be there one day.
Oh shit, that was a good night.
That's the biker bar we're talking about.
Daniel Castillo knew open mic at Shag Nasty's.
That was so funny though.
I was like, are we gonna have to not have a mic?
Are we just gonna have to scream?
Oh yeah, yeah.
That would've been funny.
Yeah, because it was like a musical act
that went on before the comedy,
like the open mic, and there was a miscommunication.
We thought we were gonna get to keep the mic, but we didn't.
So we had an emergency sent shout out to Jonathan.
And the whole PA system.
But did you notice, he stayed.
He was like, I'm taking my shit,
but I'm staying for the show.
And then he stayed for the first half.
Damn, that's crazy, man.
I feel it though.
Yeah, I understand.
Cause they can fuck up your shit, you never know.
Yeah, but Alex said that he told Daniel
that he can use his shit for the Tuesdays.
Because he doesn't have one going.
You notice a mic didn't fuck up at Fazzammies last week?
No, it did not.
It didn't do that screeching thing that it usually does.
I wasn't there last week.
Are you talking about yesterday?
Yesterday.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, it didn't.
Oh, I love yesterday.
Hell yeah, dude.
Huntsville Comedy World on the come out.
No more technical difficulty.
We just get rid of the equipment entirely.
We just yell at you.
Also shout out to Fazzammies with that wrestling shit, man.
Perfect shit.
You should do that every Wednesday, I feel like.
I loved it.
WrestleMania, survive the series.
That's the perfect business model
to attract people on the spectrum, dude.
It's because when they walk in and they see WWE,
they're not leaving.
Look at this shit.
They will stand there and buy drinks for four hours
watching fucking Hulk Hogan slam Andre the Giant.
And it was hilarious because during Charlie's set,
me and Syfy were dying because like,
Hulk Hogan was on the screen.
He wasn't even wrestling nobody.
He was standing in the middle of the ring just flexing.
Oh yeah.
Through Charlie's whole set.
Like Charlie got the light.
Like seven minutes and just Hulk Hogan
standing in the ring flexing.
People are losing their damn minds, dude.
He walked to the ring with a big ass American flag.
I think it was after he slammed Andre the Giant.
Oh, okay.
And he was just flexing.
Everybody was hyped.
They'd never seen anything like that before.
That was before CGI.
You see the one where at the end he pulls up
with the canes and shit all fucked up with Andre?
Oh yeah.
Yeah, I was like damn man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I seen that. With the snake incident.
Yeah, when they were finna squish the snake again.
Thank God they didn't.
Remember that scene, 1990, 1989.
Something around that.
Brad is autistic as fuck.
Pokey dance for WWE, man.
Wish I could do this with math, but nah, just WWE.
You don't get a scholarship for that.
We had a dude, he was in the army, but he was clearly,
something was, he had a mental disability.
I don't know what it was, probably autistic,
but he was hard on the spectrum, not like Jake.
Severe. Yeah, severe.
And he loved a couple things.
He loved feet.
So he is like Jake.
Jake, yep.
And wrestling and strip clubs.
He loved these three things
and he spent all his money on that.
So he's met every wrestler in the world.
He's been to every event.
And if the strippers were like, whenever he would come in,
they would push everybody,
the strippers would push everybody out the way,
go right to Rusty and fuck it.
His name was Rusty?
Rusty, Rusty Rutherford.
My nigga, Rusty, LA.
Do you still talk to him and stuff?
Dude, we should hang out one day, man.
We're wrestling and shit.
He was like, okay, so we just talked about our clips, right?
Literally, it would be like 10 minutes.
He'd be like, hey, JJ, you remember the time
we were sitting here and we watched clips
of us doing standup?
And he'd be like, yeah, Rusty, it happened 10 minutes ago.
He was like, that's cool.
Dude, that was like Dante last night.
He really came up to me before the open mic.
He was like, JJ, you know, I'm actually not super high
or super drunk this time.
I was like, oh, good, man.
And he was like, I'm gonna quit smoking so much.
And I'm like, good for you, man.
You're doing good.
You know, your mind's on the right track, dude.
Five minutes later, he comes up to me and he's like,
JJ, you remember earlier today when I told you
I wasn't high as fuck?
Well, we just went outside and hit the pin
and now I'm high as fuck.
And I'm like, okay.
You mean like five minutes ago, earlier today?
Five minutes ago when we saw each other
for the first time today.
Yeah.
I was holding my eyes and like,
Spongebob with a spatula.
He just ran over to me like, I need that.
All right, here you go, buddy.
Man, what happened with The Rock?
Hell yeah, man.
He a wrestling fan, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was on his Instagram.
He was like, The Rock is back.
Oh, for real, man?
Hell yeah.
He was geeked about that shit.
Did he talk about that on Flashpoint, dude?
Flashpoint 27.
And I didn't get a notification.
Yeah, I didn't.
I didn't get a notification.
He had a new one up.
Flashpoint, Dante Huff's podcast.
You're in for a treat.
We should have Dante on.
I was like, we had Charlie on.
We should, dude.
I would love that.
I would love that more than anything, dude.
I think you guys would love it more than anything, too.
Because we've been talking about it, you know?
Give little heads about Dante.
You need to get him to send in a clip.
Oh, yes.
And I know which one.
I know which one.
I know which one you want.
Well, let's see.
Which one do you want?
Well, I think we have to have your ass
is never 100% clean.
It has to be that.
Jamaican misfortune cookie.
That's what I was thinking.
Come on.
That's a good joke.
I love it.
I love that joke, man.
I even started, I'm starting to,
the queef is growing on me.
I like it the way he told it the first time
when he was like.
Queef.
I just learned this new word.
Queef.
Hey, dude, he might say the same premises,
but he never says the same joke.
No.
Exactly the same.
Oh, no, no, no.
His material is constantly evolving.
I mean.
Is Dante on the show?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
No.
I'm not sure.
I don't know who the fifth person is.
Oh, okay.
Wait, that's a good fucking question.
Yeah, because I know it's us three, Jake,
and then one more person.
Okay.
I know Jonathan Silver, but.
But he's the veteran comic.
I don't know who the other one is,
because I asked Charlie, he said no.
Who else is new?
Maybe, well, I guess Daniel wouldn't count,
because he was doing it before he got here.
But I think that was out before
Ken wouldn't know who he is.
Shout out, Shenanigans.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, shout out, Shenanigans.
Shout out.
I don't know, dude.
I have no fucking clue.
I'm not sure about.
We'll get some clips for you guys.
We're promoted on everything we got.
But yeah, and thanks guys for supporting us.
You guys have been great.
Thank you so much.
Hell yeah.
Hopefully we keep on getting better
and these episodes start.
We got some skits that I think
is are going to fucking blow your guys' minds.
They're gonna be, you know, if you're watching our skits,
you're not watching it for, you know, perfect.
Yeah.
It's gonna be funny in the way that we're funny.
Yeah.
I think it's gonna be great.
Saturday Night Live doesn't have shit
on clown college skits, dude.
It's like, you ever seen Dolomite is my name?
Kind of like that.
Funny as fuck, we putting it together.
Yeah, exactly.
We getting that shit.
Like the original Dolomite.
We going hard, bruh.
Not like, I said that wrong, but you know what I mean.
You said you getting hard?
No, I mean, we getting it pumped up.
Good for you, Brandon.
That sound better.
Cue the applause.
Not, well.
Yeah.
Yay.
We got to limit Brandon to three soundboards
in an episode.
He was going crazy in the beginning.
Oh, hell yeah.
I just.
I love how he played the first ever one for himself.
Yeah.
I had to get that one in there.
I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh shit.
All right, guys.
I'll see you in our solo episode.
Hell yeah, man.
Hope you like it.
Thanks for all the support.
Thank you.
Sharing it, liking, commenting, clips and everything.
Hell yeah.
Means a lot.
Oh yeah, and on our channel,
we're going to start cutting up clips like the skits
and then different things that were good in each episode.
It's going to take me a minute,
but we're going to start getting all that out.
Just have like little five minute clips
so you can go in there and watch that.
And some new graphics.
We're on Facebook now.
Don't forget us on Facebook.
Shout out Blake.
Shout out Blake, unsung hero.
Blake and Jack, unsung heroes of clown college comedy.
Dude, you guys don't understand.
Not all heroes wear a cape.
Yeah, they don't.
They need applause right here.
Hell yeah.
That's applause.
Thank you, man.
All right, guys.
See y'all.
We'll see you.
Until next time.
Hey.
Yay.