This week on Clown College.
You look like you have some interesting opinions on Israel Palace College.
I can't fuck with this.
If you lived over there, you could probably sneak in either way.
I wouldn't.
No, I wouldn't fuck with it.
I wouldn't go over there looking like this.
You shouldn't.
Oh yeah.
They might think you're a third party.
Exactly.
They'd be like Hamas and they'd be like Haagen-Dazs.
Yeah, I'm coming hot.
I'm coming in hot.
Yo, sometimes when you put that little ramp on you, I like it but you look like Big Boy
with the burger chain.
We gonna leave that here.
That was fucked up, man.
That's funny.
But hey guys, so we want to say thank you guys for watching and we want to do a little
good way, right JJ?
Hell yeah.
We love giving back to the community.
So look, what we're going to do in the comment section, just comment with the best roast
of anybody who was on this episode, this particular episode, and we'll come together as a Clown
College crew.
We'll pick the name of who we think had the best joke and whoever gets the most votes,
we'll win a $25 gift card on the Christmas episode.
So is it us or is it the commenters?
The commenters.
Oh, so y'all get to win.
They get to win.
JJ, he looks like my cho-man Randy Savage after he caught AIDS.
Alright guys, but that's it.
Comment with the best roast and your Cash App or Venmo.
Heck yeah.
Also, like, comment, subscribe.
Good plan.
Please.
Thank you.
Best podcast out.
We like it.
Gang.
This is the Clown College Podcast.
We're just a couple open micers trying to make our way through the scene.
Where we interview comedians throughout different stages of their comedy career, no matter if
they're open micers, headliners, or traveling comedians.
I'm here too.
Jamie 2.0.
I just talk a lot more.
Damn it, Brandon.
Go sit in the corner.
Welcome back.
How you guys doing?
Doing good, doing good.
Feeling phenomenal, dude.
Glad to be here.
Doing good.
Doing good, Brandon.
Is there somebody else here?
What's going on?
Yeah, dude, we got four-some.
We upgraded the Fantastic Four.
Those don't usually go well for me.
Yeah, when you're the cameraman, it's pretty rough.
I like to be a narrator during group sex.
See, you're not the main guest, so I'm not going to introduce you.
Introduce yourself.
Fair enough.
Yes, y'all, I'm Charlie Fisher.
Maybe we'll be switching to Charlie Swisher.
I can't decide on that.
We'll talk about it now.
We'll talk about it.
Charlie Swisher.
I need to talk to your later guest about it, because he goes by a pseudonym, so I feel
like he'd have advice on that.
Well, I don't know, I'm not familiar with the culture.
Maybe that is his real name.
No, but glad to be here.
Yeah, first off, thanks, y'all, for putting the Huntsville scene out there and everything.
It's pretty cool.
Of course, man.
I don't want to.
We're trying to, and this guy right here, this is my dog, Charlie Fisher.
When he gets on stage, if you guys see him, just in for a good time.
Hell, yeah.
I never want to say anything anymore, because there was one time you were on stage and you
were like, does the crowd have any topics?
And I tried to help him out.
I knew he had a joke about headlights.
I was like, headlights.
And then he said the joke and it bounced.
It was bounced so hard.
I love that joke.
Yeah, it went terrible.
Yeah, I think it got too repetitive or something.
Well, actually, I remember when you did that, I was like, I don't know why, but I was like,
I'm going to try to be really angry about it.
And obviously, I don't come off as the angriest guy.
So when I tried to do it, it was just kind of like, oh, I guess he's a little irritated
right now.
I don't know.
I didn't sell it, for sure.
You also changed the tag from nuclear fish and you said binary fish.
Oh, I did.
I was like, single celled organisms reproducing themselves.
That has nothing to do with headlights.
I remember.
We have a very intellectual crowd.
Yeah, too smart for my own good, man.
I don't know.
No, I remember hearing it back and going like, binary vision.
What the fuck am I talking about?
No.
Yeah, I fucked that one up.
But yeah, I used to do a show and it was an open mic at Athens where you would do, it
was, you know, everybody does their five minutes.
And then at the end, you would go up and do a minute and the crowd would just, like a
minute to two minutes.
Of crowd work?
Of crowd work.
But you would, the crowd would just shout out topics.
So I stand up on the spot.
Yeah.
Stand up on the spot.
But you know, only one to two minutes, you'll only go through like two or three things.
And I was really liked it.
I always felt like I would do good at it.
But I've tried that.
That's not the only time I've tried that here.
It has gone terrible every single time.
I'm like, I don't know what happened, but I just, I just bomb as soon as I do that.
But yeah, also maybe it's like knowing now that crowd work is like a thing.
Like then I, that wasn't even like really in my, yeah, exactly.
Fuck you, Matt Reif.
Not everybody can be hot.
Yeah.
That's some shit.
Brandon, how you been?
Man, Brandon's been doing good, man.
I've been just hanging out, trying to live and trying to not be broke.
Yeah.
I'm trying, man.
That's life, dude.
You were the star of the last episode.
Hell yeah.
And it's arguably our best episode and you were the star.
That's my alter ego, Rick, man.
So whenever you see me with that wig, just know it's not me, it's Rick.
I love how you go so distraught over saying nigga.
I know.
I can't say that.
Dedicated to the character.
I was too much in the character, man.
Like I was so deep.
I was like, man, then that nigga.
I was like, ooh, Brandon, no, you can't, I got black friends.
And I was like, what the fuck am I talking about?
Nah, I'm good.
Kind of, kind of like another white guy dropping the anvil.
Oh, yes, dude.
That's, that has to be the craziest open mic I've ever seen.
That's, that has to be the craziest open mic I've been to thus far.
It was the craziest two minute span of any open mic ever.
It was great.
I don't want to, I don't want to ruin it because it's who you have on later, but he said something
about it.
He was, he was like, uh, somebody saying the N word in the crowd was like Haley's comment.
Like I heard it, like I knew it was going to happen at some point and like, and then
he finally saw it that night.
No, that was, that was great.
Uh, yeah, I was so nervous to go up that night, but luckily some of it was like a lot of,
like, you know, the more we do, the more we learn.
Like the room matters so, so much.
And like that, I swear I would have bombed except for all that happened.
I was like, good, now I got some shit.
Like, I was like, now I have something to talk about.
But finally somebody did it.
Tell them what happened.
Um, well, a guy who's done standup, like a couple of times, only ever does it at that
open mic.
He went up there or he wasn't even on the stage.
No, no.
Our guest for today, sci-fi.
Sci-fi got jokes to give him his full name.
He was on the stage performing.
It was towards the end of his set.
He is a black man.
He said a joke that involved the N word.
Oh, I'll say that part.
He said, uh, look at this nigga in the cowboy hat.
What Dom said.
So he said, look at this nigga in the cowboy hat.
And what did the, this other white guy, you can't say that part either.
This other white guy in the crowd was like, it was his friend.
He said, oh yeah, look at this nigga in the cowboy hat.
And everybody just was like, no, I saw, I saw it.
And then I started looking around because I need to gauge how to react.
Cause I can't be the first to react.
You know, what's crazy is I was in the bathroom when that happened.
I didn't hear it happen at all.
I walked out and the whole room was different.
I was just like, I knew something had happened.
So I like walked out.
I don't know who I asked.
It might've been you, but I was like, what just happened?
And you were like, oh, this dude just said, we were right next to each other because,
what happened next?
Oh yes.
Oh my God, dude.
Another newer comic.
I think it's the second time I saw him go first.
I was like, that was a pretty good first time.
Shout out Charles.
Yeah.
Charles hood was his name.
I was like, damn, that's pretty, that's Charlie Swisher.
Charles hood.
He's occupying the same territory.
We need to get this guy out of here.
He doesn't look like a Charles skinny, skinny white guy with big glasses.
Yeah.
Like, uh, you almost got a beatle.
Yeah.
You actually, all except glasses, you completely described me.
Uh, he's got, he's definitely got a Beatles look going.
Uh, yeah.
Paul McCartney.
But he goes, no, John Lennon.
Oh, John Lennon.
Yeah.
Definitely more Lennon.
Uh, but he goes up to the stage again.
It's the second time going up.
Alex has kind of addressed the, the, who's the host has kind of addressed.
He got a little mad.
He was muted.
And that's not the end of that either.
We'll come back to that, I guess.
But this guy, this new guy goes up first step, catches the edge of the stage, falls flat
on his face.
I mean, the most perfect fall, I thought he was doing it on purpose.
It was such, it was such a, I didn't know if it was part of the bit.
No, it was, I mean, I've never, it was such a movie fall.
He fell like what?
Maybe four feet.
Like it wasn't that far at all.
He just fell from standing up to the ground, but it looked like he hit terminal velocity
and just like plummeted and fucking like Felix Baumgartner from the stratosphere slammed
into the stage.
He didn't, he didn't put his hands out.
He went face first.
He did not defend himself.
He ate the fucking floor.
He just absorbed with face and body.
Yeah.
It was, it was, and then, and then didn't mention it at all.
Immediately just got on the mic and started talking about bees.
Y'all like honey bees?
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
I remember him.
Yeah.
And when I almost fell too, I gave him that curse.
Did you do that?
Yep.
It's a real effect.
Yeah.
I mean like he is new, cause now I know if something like that happens, you have to address
it.
He beasted it.
What do you mean?
He stayed in the pocket.
He stayed, but I feel like you have to mention if something like that, you have to be like,
you have to let us know what just happened.
Cause I grabbed Charlie.
Oh yeah.
I was, I couldn't stop laughing.
Like I was crying.
What the fuck?
There's no way this just happened.
I was standing next to me and I looked at him and I was like, dude, what the fuck is
going on?
He's like, I don't know.
There was just a tornado of energy in the dark.
And Alex was still on the stage and Alex was standing there just looking down at him.
He straight up like publicly shamed him, pointed out at him and it was like, hehehehe.
It was crazy dude.
I feel like Alex can hit that like bully sidekick laugh too.
That laugh is iconic.
Once it speeds up, you in for it.
You have a good one.
Oh, that was a great fucking night dude.
Yeah, that was wild.
And then that guy though, uh, I'm like, I don't know if he's going to come back or not.
He said his, his parting words to me and Jaywin were that he was not coming back, but we'll
see what happens.
Cause you guys were over there talking to him for a while.
So it was like a long time.
It was me, Jaywin and Alex standing there and he comes up and I forget what he says
at first, but Alex just gets straight to it.
He's like, Hey man, if you're going to do that and bring that energy in here, like I
don't want it.
You don't do it.
And like Alex, I mean, he's y'all saw he was like heated, heated, like this guy and, and
the dude starts going into the whole, like w we can't even have a conversation about
a bot and Alex just gets up and leaves.
Yeah.
But now, but now he's like, yeah, exactly.
Good for, I was like, yeah, that, that, I mean, I already liked the Alex, but you know,
that made me respect him in a different way other than just like this comedy shit, you
know?
Uh, but now he's just with me and Jaywin who like, I mean, people think I'm laid back,
but like Jaywin, I mean, so now this guy is going off.
Like, kind of raging at two dudes that just do not care.
Or just like, I'm just being like, Hey man, just don't stress it dude.
Like, I don't know why I thought the angle that would make sense to him.
I was like, look, it's Alex's show.
If he says you can't do that, you can't do that.
But he was on some moral thing about like, you know, when he was repeating stuff, I don't
even know.
It doesn't even fucking matter.
His reasons, but it was just like, I was like, they let him go up after that.
No, no, he's still going up.
Yeah.
First two minutes of his set, defending his actions.
Yeah.
He never, he never, he did stand a bit because he never said, Oh, my bad.
No, no, he never wants to apologize.
I was repeating.
You guys don't say it.
He start pointing out why guys, you, I know you said it.
I think he thought I was going to be his strongest ally.
And then I was like, dude, we don't support that shit.
I told that to him too, his face.
He wouldn't even talk to me the rest of the night.
I felt like I was the only one that was pissed about it.
And I was like, am I that liberal white right now?
That's like, what the fuck?
And nobody else gives a shit.
I'm not gonna lie.
I thought it was fucking hilarious.
Oh, I laughed.
Oh yeah.
And I couldn't, I couldn't even get over after, even though the, uh, him saying it, like him
saying that was crazy, but the fall to me was just so, it was a cherry on top.
It was, it was, you couldn't script it better than that.
If you did, you'd be like, okay, you guys are going over the top.
Like no face playing it.
Arms behind his back.
Boom.
Dude, the fact that none of that was on video is a crime.
And we, and Jack, he got my set on video.
I was so happy you got my set too, because I didn't record it.
Cause I told him to record, I told him to record the guy and then like literally he
recorded before, before and then after, but we didn't get that part.
Dang man.
That sucks.
That was a gym, man.
If we can't write down.
And I told him, I was like, I was like, here, I'll follow me on Instagram.
We're going to talk about you this week.
I just want you to know that he's cool though.
Yeah.
Always a little bit of funny energy, but whatever, you know, but it was funny that when, when
me and when he was talking to me and Jaylen, like at this point, we kind of were his only
allies because we're letting him vent to us about this and we're both just being like,
chill out about it, dude.
And he, and then like within that conversation, he turns on us and he's like, neither of you
guys have said anything productive.
You're just too stupid to understand.
Oh, sorry.
God, he said that.
Dude, if he comes back tonight, I don't know why he would always said that.
Yeah, he did.
It was broken.
I'm putting two separate things here, but I mean, it was in all in the same conversation.
And he's like, y'all haven't said anything.
And I was like, I mean, neither of you, dude, I mean, you're the one that just said the
N word, like, you know, like, I don't know what's so productive that you're doing, but
I don't know.
Me and Jim were just like, all right, whatever.
And that's when he finally did.
Oh, well actually his, I don't know if it's his girlfriend or just a lady with him, but
she eventually came and was like, Hey, we have to go do it.
Like she saw that we were like, you know, Oh, those are the two girls.
We went to me and Jake went to moody Mondays.
Oh really?
Yeah.
Cause we hung out with him like the week before.
Oh, so then after all this, Oh, that's right.
Cause they were talking about Moody's now.
I remember that.
And then they came, he came up, he was like, Hey, you want to go to Moody's?
I'm like, no, man.
I don't come to ask me because this was after you guys had talked for like, wasn't that
like an hour?
It was a, it was a, it couldn't have been that long.
I feel like like 20 minutes, but it felt long though.
Cause I kept on looking over there.
I'm like, I wonder what they're talking about.
I did kind of feel bad too, because I guess one of his friends went up for the first time
and I just made fun of his set immediately.
Cause he was talking about how he makes women come on a dirt bike and like, I don't know
what it is, but like, I'm not, you know, uh, I do like self-deprecating shit.
So if you're going to do the opposite of that, I'm going to make fun of you.
Like that just is what it is.
And also this dude's vibe was crazy.
Yeah.
The cowboy hat decided to sit down on the, on the stage, not even on the, not even.
Yeah.
And it's your first time going up.
I'm like, all right.
I was like, yeah, I make bitches come on my dirt bike too.
What'd you about to say, Brandon?
Charlie, were you there when that dude said the inward at fusion also?
Uh, at fusion?
No, no.
The old dude, right?
No, no.
It was another dude that was young.
I've heard about this one.
I know what you're talking about.
I was not a fusion that one.
What happened?
Well, so he went up to me and uh, Dante and we were, we were real cool from everybody
was talking and then out of nowhere, he said, yeah, man, you can't go down to a rack.
Cause I was talking about Komer.
So I was like, I can't go down to Komer.
He's like, yeah, they got signs saying stuff like stay away, nigger.
And then as soon as he said that me and Dante were like, what the fuck?
And then Nico in the back, you know, he don't play that.
He's like, Hey, Hey, we don't do that.
And he was like doing the same thing.
The other dude was doing, I thought I was just reading the sign.
Like, no, man, no, it's better ways.
Right.
Yeah.
I ain't that guy to be saying this is open mic.
You're not that guy.
I mean, you better be like on some top tier level.
Exactly.
And still, and still, even then it's a fine line.
Well, I guess this just happens all the time actually.
Cause there was also where any of y'all there at shenanigans with the Asian girl with Tourette's.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
And she also dropped it eventually.
It took a long time for her to get there.
But she also dropped it.
And you know, I guess it just happens apparently.
She's occupying a funny territory.
She has an excuse.
She's Asian and she has Tourette's.
But Asians don't like niggas.
You know that, right?
Oh yeah.
Asians don't fuck with black people.
I did write a joke about Asian.
Chinese, Chinese don't.
I said to save black Asian relations, fireworks is the connecting point and Dragon Ball Z.
But yeah, somebody that wasn't cool that she said that dude.
Jake get your fucking girlfriend.
Oh shit.
Jake's love.
Come on man.
You said you fought her one time.
Whenever I was up there, I said something like my mom's a short German lady, that joke.
And then he, she says hell Hitler.
And I was like, I was like, well, the salute does start from the chest.
Oh, that's a good one.
Which one's worse?
Saying the N word or saying hell Hitler.
Oh, she's, what'd she say?
Something about the Chinese government or go back to China?
She kept saying go back to China, which was so fucking funny because she was Chinese.
She's the only Chinese person.
I've never seen an Asian person go back to China.
I'm going to say that now.
I don't think I've ever seen that.
No, it's Alex.
Same.
Oh yeah.
Well, only half of them.
No she dropped the F bomb during my, I don't know what I can and can't say.
Otherwise I would have been saying the N word this whole time.
Okay.
No, she called me that in the middle of my set and she hadn't had, I guess it's called
like a tick.
She hadn't had one yet, the show.
I just had to like, I just, I immediately heard it and looked at the lady in the crowd
and she wasn't looking at me.
And I was like, who would just shout that?
Like not even looking at me.
At shenanigans.
Yeah, at shenanigans where you're not even allowed to say some other stuff.
You can't even say are.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
And I just, I don't know what, I've never even known somebody with Tourette's, but for
the first time I was like, that's Tourette's.
Did you address it?
Yeah, no, I, well, yeah.
I was like, I was telling some bit about how I ran for treasurer in high school four times
and lost every time.
And then when I started running for treasurer, she called me that.
And then I was, and I was like, I just know I somehow brought it around to like, I wasn't
that, it was the guy I was running against.
It was hilarious.
It's not the treasurer, dude, it's the secretary.
Yeah.
The person that just wants to book keep, I mean, she was right.
If you're trying to be the financial advisor of your high school class, I mean, you're
definitely a gay accountant.
Like that's what that is.
You just want to look at pieces of paper with dudes on them in wigs.
Yeah.
Definitely the kid that like dresses like way too nice in high school, you know, like
wears like a blazer to school.
Tuck in your fucking shirt in.
Yeah.
It's eight 30 in the morning.
I thought that was cool.
Treasurer.
I was like, should I start tucking in my shit?
Did you guys ever have a dude in your school that was like, we had one, he wanted to be
a police officer, but you know, he, he was never going to get any, he was real skinny.
We called him boots because he would wear these boots are like this.
The souls were like this fucking big.
Those are scary.
And he would always be like, he would like, if you were out somewhere, but Hey, you are
not a fucking police guy.
But he had a crown crown Vic.
He had, he had everything like he had like a police officer.
He's one of the scariest dudes to be honest.
Well, he would come to school with a flat, like a big ass flashlight, have a belt buckle
and all that shit.
That's crazy.
He liked to, and he was just a weird ass dude, but you know, he's armed.
Oh, you know, you try to stop people.
You just put it, push him.
He would be the one to shoot.
We had a guy that was, we had a guy, he was in a JROTC and he was like super hardcore.
He would sprint every time when the bell would ring for lunch, he would sprint and like we
had double doors going into lunchroom, fucking kick him open.
He was intense as fuck.
And just the worst, the worst.
Now those are the ones that do cause problems.
Like, you know, the ones that want to be cops in military that bad.
Also, I'm pretty sure they never make it.
I don't think they ever make it.
I don't pass the psych evaluation.
Yeah.
Cause they know too, those, those, you know, the cops in the military, they're like, this
guy's fucking crazy.
Like we cannot have him shoot, you know, with this much access to weaponry.
Oh no, when I joined the military, they let that motherfucker in.
Oh really?
It was when the war was hot.
You know what I'm saying?
You gotta get anybody in.
Put him on the front line.
Put the Brandon in the front.
He's a martyr.
Just send him out there.
I'm not going to lie.
My best friend was like, one of my best friends was exactly like that.
Except he wouldn't do the shit because he was like scary a little bit.
So he'd be like, which thank God he's not a cop because look, if you watch him, man,
I'm sorry, bro.
You would have probably killed some people with your crazy ass.
He was fucking wild, man.
He had a temper and shit.
And sometimes he would accidentally slip an N word in there.
So actually white dude.
Yeah, he was white.
Tell me about the one you FaceTime?
No, no, not that guy.
That we all thought was black.
He was FaceTime him.
The white man.
Were you out there?
I think you already headed out.
Oh, okay.
You already headed out.
That was on Wednesday at Fatsy.
He was like, hell yeah.
When we was down there, that was down there.
Fucking that bitch.
And I was like, clearly he's black.
He looked dark around.
He's the whitest guy you ever met.
Brandon said, that's the white version of me.
And I was the first to speak up, dude, because you know, I'm privy to this shit.
I was like, that's a black man, right?
He was like, no, he's white.
And then he FaceTimed him.
He answered and he was like, what the fuck?
That was so funny.
I told him when I got home, he was like, thank you, Brandon.
You got me on the scene.
Because he talked about doing some comedy sometimes.
Time to come out.
I tried to.
Man, he's in a situation.
Let him do a set on FaceTime, dude.
Man, I will, bro.
Actually, you know what?
Fuck it.
If you're watching, man, we might do that one day.
I'm going to do a set and then put you on there.
You know what?
I'm going to FaceTime you into the boxcar tonight, man.
Do it.
While I'm at the radio, hell yeah.
That would be crazy.
I'll do it.
We going to link, dude.
We might link.
They be like, what you playing?
Play some Moe Lewis for us.
Play some of that Moe Lewis.
You don't let them call you nigger.
Nigra.
I got to calm down with that word.
No, I do not.
People don't like it when I say that.
They get offended.
When you say what?
When I say the N word.
They're like, man, Brandon, I know you're black, but that's offensive.
Man, you don't get the fuck out of here.
I know.
I wish a motherfucker would.
Come on, because I'd be waiting.
Oh, damn.
Because you know I'm ice scam.
Come on.
I can say it.
Shit, bitch.
He's waiting to get tested.
It was like my family, man, because it's like old heads.
Yeah.
Old heads.
I'd be like, shit, you an old man.
Well, old ladies.
I've never said it in front of my grandma or my aunt.
Is that a thing?
Oh, I don't say that in front of... I don't cuss at all.
Oh, I don't either.
Yeah, yeah.
Damn.
I lost that.
I cannot.
I can't keep my mouth clean anymore.
Not in front of my grandparents.
I keep getting in trouble at work, because I just won't be paying attention to these
around.
I got in trouble one day.
I guess I'm just launching into a story here.
Our boss's boss took us out to eat, and it was at a Mexican restaurant.
When they came with the check, it was on an electronic thing.
You know how they do that now.
It's some ways they come to the table, and it's on a pad.
It said after he paid, it wanted you to rate the waiter, good or bad.
It was just two options.
This guy, the boss's boss, went to hit bad.
He said he was joking around, but he went to hit bad.
In my mind, that's the fucked up thing.
He doesn't do it, and then we walk out, and they're like, I've never even seen that.
What happens if you do that?
What happens if you hit bad?
I was like, oh, I think it calls ice.
I'm just on the same shit that I'm on around you guys.
My coworkers are fucking laughing, but the boss's boss doesn't hear it.
He's like, what'd he say?
They're all like, nothing, nothing, dude.
Then one of them fucking told him later, so I got in trouble.
Also again, working in the fucking sewer, I feel like I get to say what the fuck I want
to say.
I don't know.
I just thought the idea was... Why are they even asking thumbs up or thumbs down on the
waiter?
I'm like, you hit thumbs down, they just fucking boop, boop, boop.
Get Homeland Security to come around.
In my mind, he was the fucked up one for trying to thumbs down the waiter anyways.
He was the one who tried to call him, dude.
It's not your fault.
It wasn't me.
You just called him out on him.
I'm just letting him know how it works.
Was it the customer's rating them or the worker's?
The customer rates the waiter just thumbs up, thumbs down.
I was a server.
I'd hate that shit.
That can be crazy sometimes.
What if we get hostile?
One dude's standing like, yeah, go ahead and click you don't like my ass.
See what happens.
Something like that.
Intense.
Right.
Yeah.
You get crazy in other quarters.
What'd you say, that?
I said, go ahead and put you don't like my ass on there.
See what the fuck happens.
Something like that.
You know people be crazy.
Oh yeah.
I mean, then you just stand up and whoop their ass or throw the chair at them.
I don't know.
Figure it out.
That's how it works.
That is the white's biggest weakness we've now discovered is the chair.
Yeah, just use the chair, man.
You good.
Montgomery.
What else happened on Friday?
Oh man.
I ate shit on a show.
That was my second time ever hosting and I didn't really consider this before, but when
you bomb the first ever set of the night, you have to keep going back up there and they
already don't like you.
Right?
So I kind of lost them when about 40 seconds into my three and a half minute set, I talked
about domestic violence and there's been two jokes I've said on stage where I've heard
groans, both of them domestic violence.
And it's always women going like, oh God.
I'll never forget the first time was it shenanigans.
It was, oh no.
And then the second time at home grown, it was, oh God.
And yeah, I mean, to be fair, you were saying you don't do that.
Like if I remember the bit right, you're going like, I don't beat my wife.
Yeah.
But I don't know.
People just here beat your wife and I guess get lost.
Not a great association with that kind of activity, but it's okay because after I got
off Dom killed it.
Yeah.
My ass.
I bombed.
I didn't even do it.
And like, like he's saying three and a half minutes because you pause, you take an account
laughter and didn't have any.
Yeah.
So it's the whole thing.
When I looked around, I knew in my, I knew in my heart, I was like, there's no way this
is five minutes, but I had practiced it.
I did it five times beforehand.
Okay, hold on, hold on.
Let's go back a few spaces earlier that day.
I texted Dom.
And I was like, Hey man, like, uh, you gonna be there tonight or whatever.
And he was like, yeah, is it an open mic or a show?
And I was a little confused.
I was like, it's a show.
And Dom's like, good.
I don't have any material at all.
And I'm like, you only have to do five minutes.
And he's like, am I on the show?
And we tagged him and he was tagged in every piece of promotional material.
They kept on tagging me and I was like, they must really want me just to help promote the
show.
Dom has like double digit followers.
He's like, man, they must really want me to come support the show.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
I was like, yeah, of course I'm going to be there.
Dom brand new to Instagram.
Doesn't know how to operate it at all.
So we started off there and then when Dom gets to the venue, he comes out to me, he's
like, yeah, man, I think I'm going to go a little over.
I think it's going to be about six minutes.
Oh, well, I was scared about it.
I'm like, I don't want to go over.
I was like, oh yeah, it's totally fine if you run over.
It's not open, Mike.
It's going to be half minutes on a paid gig and I'm only doing fucking five.
To be fair, the whole night was like, as far as like, it was getting better the whole time.
You got it the hardest, JJ.
And then Dom went on and it was still fucking shaky.
I was looking at my notes because I was thinking about how I'd be on this.
I think you had some bit about ice cream that did good.
I don't even remember what it was.
I just looked at my notes and it just said Dom ice cream.
That was at the end when I was like broke people.
I found this dude at Derry.
Oh, yeah, that was great.
That was great.
And that was finally getting people and then like, you know, Dan brought some energy and
then finally Jonathan.
So it was all good and Jonathan did.
Yeah, they both they both did good, especially for that room.
Because even with them, I've seen the same bits like kill way more.
It was peaks and valleys.
It was peaks and valleys and that whole room was just I mean, it was just uptight.
Like I know we shouldn't put it on the audience.
You know, it's like it's our job.
The jokes kill other places.
Exactly.
I know the shit works.
And so like and I mean, there are people.
Kendall was laughing.
This couple next to me was loving it the whole time.
But I don't know.
There was a room right in the center.
I got a very like very religious vibe.
You know what I'm talking about?
And they eventually two of the girls in the group kind of started to last them.
But they I felt I felt like they were kind of just like sinking everybody in because
they that yeah, they weren't enjoying it, especially anybody that had material about
religious stuff.
They particularly were like tightened up about.
I was so confident going into it, dude.
I was so confident going to get Sammie's you fucking kill.
And that's especially that's especially that bit.
The HGTV get killed.
They did not like it at all.
I didn't know what was happening.
I was like, because to get your clip, I watched the fat Sammy one.
And whenever you say HGTV, I mean, the whole place goes crazy.
Yes.
Yeah.
I was going to put it, but we already did.
But the thing is, at the fucking show, when I said HGTV, they started cheering and I
was like, OK, now things are looking up.
I say the first tag and it's like, oh, you still don't like me.
So sometimes I get into a thing with something bonds where I just repeat it again for I don't
know why, for you, it'd be like you're like autumn brass and they don't.
You're like autumn brass.
And they're still just like we didn't like it.
Nobody likes the autumn brass except for me.
I keep it in there for myself.
Was it like an older audience or something?
No, that's the thing.
I don't know what it was.
I mean, there was the old in the middle of the old people, but around the around the
edges were were young people.
I had brought those four girls in and they were young.
They were laughing a little bit on by the bar.
Mm hmm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They were.
I thought they were enjoying it.
But I know I know when my sister and I go to go every time if I call Lizzo a fat, I'm
like, if Lizzo can call somebody a fat bitch, then who can?
And I went like this.
I was like, you tell me.
And everybody was just like, oh, no, that's that's too much.
You know, fucking Lizzo.
When you tell a joke and the person you're looking at goes like, yeah, they were not.
That's why I never make any fucking eye contact.
I know it's like advice to like actually look at people.
But I the entire time, like I when I'm on stage, I'm only seeing a blur because I just
don't stop moving my eye because I'm like, I don't want to focus on somebody.
If they're having to if they're not enjoying it and I see that I'm going to tank the rest
of it.
Charlie, your body language on stage, you and Jake are the funniest mother fucker.
Charlie, he picked up the mic, holds it in both hands and he looks like a paranoid schizophrenic
having a conversation with himself.
He walks back and forth and he's like this.
And then Jake would fully turn around and look at the wall behind him.
I've never seen anybody do that, but they'll still laugh.
You know, it's funny.
I've never I'd never seen myself until Jack film that set.
I'd never once seen myself on stage.
I was like, this is crazy.
I record voice recordings for myself, but I've never filmed it.
And I was like, oh, my God, look, also, I noticed that because I do the two hands on
the mic.
Sometimes when I have someone to say, particularly if I'm complaining about something, I start
doing Trump hands.
And like I like and then I go, I don't know what the deal with this is, but fucking, you
know, I love it.
Lights.
Yeah.
LED light emitting.
Do I do when you move like, do you really energetic?
I love that, too.
Like when you move around like this.
Oh, I appreciate it.
I do feel like I've loosened up a little bit physically.
And I think that's a I mean, I think it's a good thing.
I should thank you.
Yeah.
Charlie Fisher.
He's a killer.
Yes.
See him out.
You're going to have a good time.
I was killing me with that something about a vampire to you.
I was like, God damn, hilarious.
Joe Cowers.
He's made my love for pineapples just fucking.
What kind of experiment are you doing with your uncle?
We're going to figure it out in a couple of months.
Got to start drinking.
You want to do it?
Yeah.
Yeah, let's get in.
I forgot we had to watch the.
Yeah, we're going to do a fast clip of the week.
Go.
And we got Charlie.
Charlie.
Now he's just a regular white guy, but he has a Jewish nose and a body of a Holocaust
survivor.
I mean, it's fucked up.
Sierra Moses.
What is she good.
We had it on the pocket at the time.
And then she said, I look like a brown baby Grinch right now.
Yeah, it's fucked up.
Doesn't she look like she tells black people that can't fish at a public bar?
And I kept that one in because fuck you, Sierra. Roasted me on stage. I can't write my own jokes,
but my boy can. Nah, dude, but I had to put that in there. Because honestly, that might have been
my favorite roast that you wrote. And also because Charlie, I knew he was going to be on the episode.
That was that when I was writing the roast, I think I started off with sci-fi and he wasn't
even in there, so I didn't get the roast. And then I just kept on hitting people. And then when I got
to you, I was like Jewish nose for sure. But then I can't. How could you not? Yeah, yeah, right.
And then after that, I was like Holocaust survivor body does sound good. I like it. It's there. That was my favorite.
No, it was good. It was good. I wanted to see you go harder, but if that's all you got, I guess that's all you got.
Charlie's about to roast the shit out of me tonight. I don't think I can top Baby Grinch.
That's Brown Baby Grinch. That's so good. That's really good. I was mad. I was mad it was so good.
I'm like damn. And we'll say it's OK, because I was Jewish for one year of my life. So because my mom
dated a Jewish guy, so I had to go to synagogue. So it's all cool. Everybody can say that. He's got a
star, David Jensen. Yeah. I see JJ.
I went on a date with a girl from Tinder the other day, and it actually went surprisingly well.
We went and grabbed dinner. It was good food, good conversation. We get back in my car. I'm going to
drive her home. I'm a good guy and everything. And she turns and she looks at me and she says,
I need you to help me get all these problems off my mind for a while. She wants to have sex,
do you hear me? And the first thing that pops into my mind is, I don't know if I have a problem
solving penis. A conundrum call me cock, if you will. I can't get all your problems off your
mind for a while. I can get a few of them off your mind for a bit. And I'm not talking.
That's a great bit. I really like that. It gets poetic there with the alliteration,
the problem solving penis contemplating whatever it is.
It's a conundrum call me cock.
My bad, my bad. There it is. I'm sorry.
I love that. That really is a great bit. That is one of those two. Sometimes you hear of it and
you're like, oh, that was sitting there for the taking. And I feel like a lot of the best ones
are that. You're like, oh shit, I didn't even think about that. Because most of us have probably been
kind of in that situation with a girl where she's like, oh, maybe you can take my mind off of it.
And you're like, probably not. At least 30 seconds.
It's relatable, though. Very relatable. Because you know, oh, yeah,
people need to get that stress off. You know what I mean?
That's exactly what Jonathan was telling me after the show. He was telling it to both of us.
He's like, you got to open up with self-deprecation, which I did a little bit,
but it was super dark. So that whole bit is self-deprecation about like the one that you
said, the domestic abuse that, but I guess it's still just a little too hard core.
Like if you open with that one, with that clip right there, then people,
I think, will get on your side way more. The reason I opened with that one, though,
is because I said it for the first time ever at the Speakeasy Open, Mike, and they fucking loved it.
Right. So you were like, it's gonna hit again. I mean, why wouldn't it?
They turned on me, dude. They turned on me. They turned, bro. They did.
It's because all the holiday crowd was out, dude.
It could be what it was. I guess. I don't know.
I'm just blaming it on everything. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking Christmas, man.
Goddamn Santa Claus. Holiday spirit. Fucking it up, dude.
Fuck Saint Nick, bitch. Fat bastard.
Ooh. I love old dirty fat bastard. Hold on.
It's just old dirty bastard. Yeah.
Oh, fuck. I fucked it up.
We don't know who he's talking about. Because he said fat bastard.
I don't know why I thought of old dirty bastard. I thought of old dirty fat bastard.
Which one are you talking about that you love? Wu-Tang.
OK, so you like Wu-Tang. Yeah, I love old bastard.
Old bad. He fucking. Old. My bad. Old dirty bastard.
He's a good man. Don't ever change.
Shimmy shimmy. Hey, y'all. Shimmy, yeah. Shimmy, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know the rest. And I can take it away.
You should have seen me do karaoke. The Atlanta's coming out.
Ooh, I love Atlanta. Yes, sir.
That's a good ass fucking movie, man. I mean, not movie. My bad show.
The show. The show. Yeah.
He was just talking about the show. Oh, no. Yeah, he's the show.
I mean, that's. Talking about the geographic location.
Oh, man. Donald Glover is like who I would want to be.
I thought for years because I'm newer to comedy,
but like I was doing music all before that.
I was always like, I'll get famous for music, then I'll do comedy.
I'll just be Donald Glover in reverse. Like everybody's going to fucking love me.
And now I'm doing comedy and this is the shit I should have been doing this the whole fucking time.
Yeah. Charlie Swisher. He hit a Moody Monday's karaoke bar.
Hit that boys in the hood are always hard. Oh, I love that shit.
Talking that trash will pull your car. Hey, yeah.
Hey, thanks for coming on, man. Thank you.
Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, I love it.
Yeah. Again, thanks, y'all, for doing this shit. Thanks for having me on.
Thanks for putting Huntsville on. I fuck with it.
And we're going to have you on your own episode. We just had to get you in here.
We had to get you in here early because we were like booked up for a little minute.
So we had to get you because you're too fucking funny.
I appreciate it, man. You are hilarious, too. Thank you.
Peace. Peace. Peace.
Have you ever had someone take their how you're doing way too seriously?
They made eye contact with you and told you their whole life story.
Meet Theodore Gaines, the Trauma Dump Uber. How you doing tonight, my man?
Doing good, man. How about you? I've had better nights. I've had better nights.
Oh, man. Sorry to hear that. Yeah, I'm sorry to hear it, too, man.
But you know, sometimes you just think somebody loves you.
Yeah, you know. Next thing you know, you find out your kid is your brother's.
What the fuck? What you up to tonight? Where you going, man?
I'm going to Red Lobster. I'm on a date today, man.
Oh, you going on a date? Man, enjoy that, boy.
Oh, yeah. I ain't been on a date for years, man.
After my wife cheated on me, I tried to get back out there, but, you know, with the whole
General Awards and everything else like that, you just.
It's slim pickings, you know. Some people just ain't that open-minded as you think.
You excited for this date? Oh, hell yeah, man. I bet you are.
Hell yeah, man. I've been looking forward to this all week.
That's good. That's good.
Man, I've been looking forward to getting off this weekend and going fishing with my son,
but, you know, now he's my nephew, so I guess.
No, I'm his uncle, daddy.
Okay. Yeah.
I should have known. You know, one time my woman made me go into a sex store and look
at dildos and paired them to my penis to see how inadequate I was.
Oh, fuck. That's not how you should have let that happen.
Nope. My girl used to make me shoot sex tapes with her wearing a mask of her ex-boyfriend's face on.
That's not right.
Let me tell you something. If your girl ever cheats on you with a 30-man Royal Rumble gangbang,
don't take her back, bro. Don't take her back.
It's the shit I took it to begin with, man.
I got gout.
Oh, shit.
I found a bunk on the back of my neck the size of a golf ball.
I'm a little worried. I'm thinking about going to get checked out, but I just can't afford it right now.
Yeah, I'm out of here, bro.
Yeah, goodbye, man. See you.
All right, brother.
I'll give you a good star, I guess.
I appreciate it, man. You know, I lost the star because I shat myself.
You shat yourself?
I shat myself one time taking a kid to homecoming.
To homecoming?
And they gave me one star.
One star?
One star, yes, sir.
You can't help that shit, man.
I can't.
Hey, bless you.
Hey, brother, remember, it's like my father used to say.
What did he say?
Hard times don't last always, but then sometimes, and he didn't finish it, somebody shot him in the head.
Fuck.
Yeah, man.
Damn.
Hey, how's it going, my man? How's it going? How's it going?
Yeah, man, I'm just trying to get up to this party.
Okay.
I got a little shit to dig. It's a little kickback.
Party man, party man, party man.
Yeah.
I once went to a party that was accidentally, well, not accidentally, unbeknownst to me.
It was a cult. It was a cult meeting.
Yeah.
And I signed away 12 years of my life.
Excellent food. Excellent food.
It was tasty, huh?
Great food.
Yeah.
So where's, what are you doing now? Like how, like are you still?
I drive Uber.
You drive Uber?
Yeah.
Oh, right.
Yeah. Once I got off the compound, I really had to, you know, sort myself out, figure
out how much of the United States government was actually in zenith with the devil. But
once I got a lot figured out, man, you know.
Yeah.
Yeah. Eyes on the road, buddy.
I got you.
Yeah, man. I'm relaxed.
Okay. Yeah, I'm tripping. I'm tripping.
Where am I going? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. GBS.
I recently found out my mother's not my real mother.
Oh, shit.
Yeah. Yeah. Neither is my father. I was kidnapped as a child, not even adopted. Kidnapped.
I should have known. Kids at school always make fun of me. Teddy Teddy, why are your parents
screaming? You're not. I never tell you, I used to actually make music.
You used to make music?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Sold my soul to the devil to learn how to play the xylophone. Just turns
out not too many people wanted to hear the xylophone. Every night at 3 a.m. I see a shadow
figure in the corner telling me it's time to collect his due, you know?
No, no, Teddy. I don't know, Teddy.
You know what I mean. I think this is your party, man.
This is my party? Yeah, brother.
Teddy, let me out, man. Thanks.
All right, brother. Nice to meet you. Praise the dark one.
That shadow figure was back.
This week's featured comedian.
When I was 13, like most 13 year olds, I discovered my body. And by body I mean penis.
And by discovered, I mean beat it to a flip.
I beat my meat so much that it was a fucking hate crime.
Anybody here ever seen Rocky? That ain't got shit on it. I beat my meat into a fucking right angle.
You never fuck a chick and it's like, yeah, that's the boomerang, baby. It's going to come back to you.
How we feel? I feel good.
I'm out on love.
Papa's got a brand new bat.
Sao Paulo, Brazil.
We going to Rio de Janeiro.
Get up off of that thing.
Want to introduce our guest.
Today, we are joined by another fantastic comedian.
To be exact, the second most fantastic comedian in the world, which is bullshit.
I disagree, but I wasn't one of the judges.
This guy's hilarious. He's a star. He illuminates the world.
If we were to lose this man, the world would lose a treasure.
He's a mystical figure.
Joining us on the podcast today, we have Sci-Fi Got Jokes.
It is just sci-fi, bro.
Full name is Sci-Fi Got Jokes.
That was always my biggest fear that people would see.
How you feeling, man? I feel great.
Thank you for being on here, man.
Thank you all for having me.
It's going to be a good one. Dom's got the whole bottle over there.
I've been waiting for this since day one. I've been waiting for this.
You know we had to build you up a little bit, right?
Of course, just to tear you down.
Yeah, that's how you do.
That's on brand for you.
I would never talk stuff to you.
You're a lying asshole.
I would never do it, man. This is the guy right here.
Funniest dude in Huntsville.
The funniest.
I say he's the funniest.
When Dom starts talking you up, he's literally about to chop you down.
This man went on stage and said, mind you, I went like five on the list.
He went maybe tenth.
He gets up and he goes, everybody give it up for sci-fi. He's so funny.
I was like, oh, that's cool. Thank you. Thank you, Dom.
He goes, no, he's like the best, man.
I was like, why is this nigga giving me so much credit?
Then he goes, yeah, man, that boy's really funny.
I was like, he's about to assassinate me, isn't he?
He goes, he's funny even though he looks like Bob Marley without a metabolism.
Damn. Five spaces in between. You were stewing that one up.
I told you. It was cooking.
It was because that dude rubbed my shoulders. Actually, he's the same dude that dropped the in-bomb.
Hell yeah. Good guy, that guy.
But yeah, he was right. That joke you had, he was like, where Dom at?
But the Muhammad, you ate shit.
That is fucked up, man. Me and Dom do kind of look like, he's like Hood Muhammad.
I'm like Redneck Jesus.
Yeah, I can see that.
Now pray to us.
You could definitely own any gas station in the hood and sell loose new ports.
In the bathroom.
And you look like you can turn any rock into metal at any way and road.
That was a very good accurate representation of you two.
Oh shit.
All right, so how long you been doing stand-up?
Man, I've been doing stand-up. It's coming up on three years. I started Phenom.
April 21st. I'm sorry, April 25th, 2021.
That was the very first day I did stand-up.
Damn. See, like that's crazy because how funny, how comfortable he is, how much material he has and everything bangs.
I mean, he gets mad at himself whenever he gets laughs. Like me and JJ just got no laughs.
That's when you're mad at yourself. He gets mad at himself.
I got grooms.
Audible grooms. It sounded like the audience was in pain. Sounded like a fucking nursing home.
But this man is a monster. You'll see him on shows all around town, right? You're always doing shows.
Shenanigans. You host your own show there. You had me on it. Thank you so much.
Thank you for doing it.
Hell yeah. We had to get all black and I was the minority.
I was about to say, no, he fit the criteria. He had black in him. And I don't want to say he was black. He had black in him.
Because if anybody be like, oh, what about the Middle Eastern dude? I'm like, no, let's pull out his papers. He's got some black in him.
He had pit bull.
And he made me chuckle. That's all you got to do to get on the show. No, you killed it, man. I loved it.
I appreciate it, man. You killed it too. It was a good time. We had Cole on there. Crow. I love Crow, dude. I like him. I like him a lot.
Yeah. Shout outs to Crow.
Hell yeah.
And Cole Nalls.
I don't know.
So, Syphon.
What's up?
I have some information over here.
All right. Let's go.
You were born in March 1992. We're just going to start from the top. We're going to do this chronologically.
I was born March 1992, correct?
So you were pre-911, dude.
I was pre-911.
That's crazy.
Is that the stamp?
For me, it is.
You post or pre-911?
I was post.
I know you're post.
I like to ask this question. What's the craziest thing you have you ever seen at an open mic or at a show or anywhere that just stands out in your mind?
The first time I ever did an open mic in Tennessee, we were in Nashville and one dude got up there eating a piece of chicken. So you got to imagine you're on a microphone. You don't want to do something that annoys the people who have to hear you.
Yeah.
He was actively eating chicken as he was telling his jokes, but he never told a joke at all. And when he got off, another lady got up there who was clearly homeless and she emptied some trash out on the stage.
Get the fuck out.
And started playing music with the trash. Yeah.
She played music with the trash?
She would make almost... It was kind of beautiful.
She's making a beat with a heroin needle.
Yeah, she would have the top of a trash can and two rotting carrots and that would be the drum.
She would see a crack pipe and it would turn into a flute. She was killing it.
I'm not going to fuck with that though. I love resourcefulness dude.
Especially on behalf of the homeless dude.
Yeah, they're the most resourceful.
Yeah.
You gotta be.
You gotta be creative when you're out there. Oh, speaking of homeless people dude, I remember we went to Birmingham one time.
Yeah.
And homeless people just don't phase you.
No.
I was scared. I was inside a vehicle. The doors were locked dude. Me and Bryce were tweaking.
We didn't know if that guy was homeless. I thought he was just drunk. He could have been homeless.
Well, he was passed out on the ground outside of a gas station and this other guy came up and tried to stab him and Syfy just didn't care. He just walked out of the gas station.
It had nothing to do with me. I was really thirsty.
And before we left.
I feel you.
It ain't got nothing to do with me bro. Move.
And before we left, we were at a different gas station in Madison and Syfy was inside and I'd like kind of peek in. He's like hugging this man and they're jumping around in circles.
What?
Yeah. So I have a, I have a, I have a, I guess you could say a vibe or something that makes people just go, hey, I want to talk to you.
Uh huh. Yeah, you definitely do.
And I'm always like, cool. What do you want to talk about? I never shut it down. And this old dude, once again, I was thirsty and I was in the gas station getting this huge like thing of water in this old black dude sees me.
I'm in front of him and he slaps the like gallon of water or whatever it was. And I was like, what's up? And he was like, I know you ain't gonna drink that all. Are you?
And I was like, I'm gonna try to. And he was like, you're going to be pissing all day. And I was like, I don't know what to say to him. And I was like, who said I wasn't pissing already?
And he just thought that was real funny. So he dap me up. And then we just kind of, he mumbled something and I didn't know what he mumbled. So I mumbled something back. And that's when he kind of made me start like jumping.
What the fuck?
You know, Syfy has that bounce.
Yeah, yeah. Always bounce.
That's the gnome in him.
Jolly as hell.
I'm a very jolly person.
Yeah, I used to hate it.
You're a joy to be around.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I had to learn to be myself to do that.
Okay. Okay.
I used to like want to be seen as like more serious and like edgy almost.
Uh huh.
And over time I was like, that ain't me.
Damn, dude.
I know what you mean.
That's beautiful.
I don't know if it's beautiful.
I think it's beautiful, dude. I think you're a beautiful person, dude.
I think you're a beautiful person.
Inside and out.
You guys want a room or something?
Dom's hating ass, dude.
It's going to be a trifecta either way, baby.
He's a little excited.
All right. Let's go with this, dude. Top three comedians.
I feel like that's an integral question.
Top three comedians?
I'll say these top three that made me even get like love comedy.
So it might be somebody you hear anybody, but they're right.
They don't write as good as so-and-so.
Yeah.
But yeah, these guys made me fall in love with comedy.
Number one is going to be Eddie Murphy.
Great.
Number two is George Lopez.
Okay.
I like George.
And number three is John Mulaney.
Oh, yeah.
Did not expect that one.
They all kind of made me realize like Eddie Murphy.
I've heard like comedy growing up.
I used to watch BT Comic View.
That was like my introduction.
That's my show.
So I got accustomed to black comedy and white people just weren't funny.
You know?
Yeah.
That's the way I thought too.
That's just the way it came on.
So coming up, I'm like, okay, black people are funny.
So when I started listening to George Lopez, like on some weird tip, like he was just something
on HBO Max.
And I was like, I'm going to watch this.
And he had me cracking up about things that I had never understood before or never witnessed
with my two eyes.
Like he's talking about, you remember when you're growing up as a Mexican kid, this,
that, and the third, and the way he's setting it up, I can believe I'm there.
It was like he was painting a picture that was so great.
I'm just like, okay, cool.
So George Lopez is funny.
And then John Mulaney came around and I was like, this dude is just weird.
It's this super weird white guy, but he was making me laugh coming from angles of things.
I'd never heard before.
And then things also that, uh, that were true to me.
Like he had this one joke where he talks about, uh, he's trying to catch a train and his ladies
in front of him.
And he thinks he's trying to catch a train because she starts running.
So he starts running up behind her and she's keeps looking behind him.
So he's like, Oh, it's something chasing us.
So he's looking behind him.
And he says the whole time he never realized, Oh, I'm a grown man chasing this woman at
night in a train.
Oh, this time I thought I was a little boy.
Like you get, I heard that right around that time where I'm like, like I'm becoming a man.
So I'm still like, Oh, I'm young.
You know, so I'm doing things.
I'm like, hold on people see me as a grown ass man out here.
I got a, so it just really made me laugh really hard.
I like those three.
I think those three go together.
Tell you.
Thank you.
Oh yeah.
Like, like who you are.
Cause you're smart.
You're smart.
Like, uh, Malaney, you got the, uh, stage presence.
I think of a Lopez.
Like you just, you just, you can get along with anybody wherever Lopez is that whatever
room he's in, he's getting along with the people, even if there's so much different
to him.
That's what I always give you credit for.
You can pull a room, no ma no matter what the room is, all black, all white, mixed,
whatever you pull them in and you make them listen to you and you always hit them with
them bangers.
I appreciate that, man.
I appreciate that.
You know, it's funny.
Everybody always like, uh, I'm really good on looking out.
Like it's, it, it sucks that it sucks to have this habit, but I'm really good at seeing
the positive in everybody.
And then when it's time to look at me, I only look at the negative.
So like, I can tell y'all about all y'all styles and how I like your styles.
But when people are like, Oh, what's what's sci-fi style?
I don't have a style, bro.
I don't, I don't know what my com is, but then I, but I always try to be relatable.
And so thank you for saying that.
That makes you a good comment.
So, you know, nobody can think you can't think you're good, but it doesn't come across like
that in your jokes and your jokes.
It seems like you have a lot of self-awareness.
Yeah.
I think I, I do have self-awareness.
I strive to have self-awareness.
You're just focusing on the negative.
Cause that's what you can get better at.
Yeah.
I think, and that's the thing that, uh, I don't know, just being happy that I did well at
something.
It's like, Oh, that's cool.
I w it's not like, I don't think about doing well at something.
Like if I have a great set, like if there's a pack show and I have a great set, Oh, that
night, I feel like king of the earth.
You can't say like, you know what I'm saying?
It's not being a dick Friday.
We both bomb.
He was feeling guilty.
I'll be somewhere dancing.
I feel it and I'll let myself feel it for that night.
And then the next day I'm back to normal.
But if I have a bad one, it's that one's, it's, it's harder to shake off.
I slept for three hours.
Right.
It was terrible.
But yeah, so that's, that's kind of how that is.
I just focus on the negative a lot, but the positive.
I do get myself credit for when I have them.
You got to man.
I like how you incorporate the crowd into your jokes.
Cause I've seen you do, there's one joke in particular.
I'm thinking about, I'm not going to say it.
I don't want to give you shit away, but I've seen you do crowd work with this joke probably
five times.
It's never been the same.
The way he incorporates the person into the joke has never been the same.
It's different every time he'll even call back to the person in a different way.
And I know he's doing it in real time.
And in my head, I'm thinking if I haven't gotten up yet, I'm like, damn, I'm terrible
at comedy because it's just so good.
Like he, he kills it.
I figured something out.
I was watching Shane Gillis do comedy.
He was hitting me.
He was hitting me with so many funny history jokes that it made me, I was like, I got to
learn history cause I want to do that.
And as I was like studying history, cause I wanted, I just wanted to have jokes as funny
as Shane Gillis.
Yeah.
And I was like, I fucking hate history.
I don't care about any of this.
And it made me go, it's not that he knows history is funny.
He's just talking about something that he enjoys or he's something that he's good at.
So I was really bad at crowd work, not as in like, I don't know what to say to people,
but I didn't know how I should end it, you know, or like when they cut something off.
So I started writing jokes that forced me to do crowd work, but I have an exit whenever
I want to like, so if I'm talking to you in the crowd and you're giving me good stuff,
cool.
Now I can have a riffing interaction with you and it's like, I'm good at this.
Yeah.
Come on.
We can say funny stuff back and forth all day.
But if I get one of those people who are like, no, I don't know.
Or, you know, they're not giving me anything.
I can easily get back out.
So you have like a hard exit.
Can you get, cause I need to learn this cause I suck at crowd work.
Give me an example.
Not one of you, don't have to be one of your jokes.
Just like a.
Okay.
So if I'm like, all right, I got a joke about who I know, what kind of person you are, whatever
you order at McDonald's.
So sir, what do you like to order at McDonald's?
Now I usually, I'm thinking of everything that's popular at McDonald's previously.
And I'm just writing funny tags that go with the each thing.
So whatever he says, I'm just going to go to one of those.
Okay.
Or if I know where I'm at, I can make a pretty much a good high educated guess.
Like if I'm out in the middle of Coleman somewhere and I do a joke and he goes, well, I get,
you know, a McFlurry and an apple pie every time.
I don't know shit about McFlurry's and Apple pie's, but I can go, oh, that just tells me
you grew up poor.
And now you got a little bit more money to yourself.
You don't forget where you come from.
That's a lot of people.
And they just go, he knows me.
So yeah, it's just that.
But I don't know if I should have given that away.
No, come on.
We're here for college, dude.
You're the professor.
I ain't a professor.
Now I feel like a magician.
I'm like, ah, damn, I still got to eat.
They're going to know the secrets.
You get it.
Like, dude, you inspire me too.
Because whenever I see you go up there and do that stuff, man, I'm like, dude, how is
he?
Because it's like you're everybody's friend up there, man.
It's like you already know that person.
I'm like, dude.
That's the vibe I really want to give off.
Not because it's something that I'm trying to be, but because that's what happens a lot
in my life.
I feel like that's my natural vibe.
So I wanted that to show on stage.
Somebody who inspires me to do comedy, none of those comedians I've mentioned ever.
I mean, they didn't ever inspire me to do comedy.
They just made me fall in love with comedy.
The one person who inspired me to do comedy who's like a celebrity was J. Cole, the rapper.
That 2014 Forest Hills Drive, that album changed my life.
So one of the things I love so much about the album was I was relating so much to him.
So I was like, if I ever do something with my life where I'm creating, I want it to relate
to people.
I want it to be nobody's better than me, but I'm not better than anybody.
I'm right here with everybody.
You know what I'm saying?
You get a lot of comedians up there who, I know there's one comedian, he would get upset
with me because I would make fun of myself.
I would do something like, you know how we do this?
Well, I do it worse because I did it this way.
I remember one time I was like, I'm bad at sex.
I was just cracking on myself saying I'm bad at sex because I'm mistaken.
I'm like, okay, mistake, mistake, mistake, whatever, mistaken.
It happens.
Yeah.
Well, I heard the podcast.
You heard me whooping your ass.
Sometimes I'll be like, yo, he having a stroke, get him out of there.
I be wanting y'all to edit in that one black dude from Rocky IV when Drago kills Apollo.
The boy who's black dude's like throwing the damn town.
I be wanting y'all to put that up when he be fucking up on words.
Damn.
He ain't lying.
Goddamn.
Oh, man.
Y'all crazy.
Y'all crazy, man.
Yeah, that's what I be doing.
He got that up fast.
Damn, Brandon.
I watched that show every week.
That's one of my faves.
Yeah, man.
Rocky's amazing.
A comedian was bad because he kept cracking on himself.
Because I was cracking on myself and then he would be like, why are you doing that?
You know, you gotta be this and this and that to these people.
And I'm like, no, I'm just me, man.
I'm like, I'm just me, man.
And they're just them.
There's no, I'm not better than them.
They're not better than me.
I tell them I make mistakes and then I'll tell them how stupid I am, how I do things
and how it makes my life funny to others.
Yeah, but I'm like, I really be, I'm my worst enemy.
You know?
Yeah.
So yeah, this guy, I'll never get, he was like, stop telling people about you.
I'll never get to tell people about like that.
Then he went up after me.
He was like, I'm good at sex.
Y'all.
I'm so good at sex that I do this.
And I remember it was the most cringy thing I've ever seen in my life.
Dude, there's one around here who goes up and, and it's like, I want to rip my ears off
because he's like, I get in the pussy like this.
And I'm like, what is happening?
He's an old dude.
He's not, he's not like a young cat.
He's this old dude.
And he just sounds like he's molesting us with his words.
That's the worst.
No, that, you know what it is?
A lot of older dudes still look at like death comedy gym where that was kind of cooler because
nobody was talking that real, but now everybody kind of grew up hearing something that real.
Yeah.
So now it's just like overly vulgar to us.
Plus you gotta imagine to every comic, I feel like when they first start out, if they're
not trying to be clean comics, you're going to curse and be vulgar way more than you need
to be.
Oh yeah.
That's just always how it is.
When you're like, I'm going to go get my sets back.
All right.
Let me cut out some of this person, bro.
I sound like real, like when I first heard my first set, I was like, I sound stupid.
I'm cursing every other word.
Yeah.
Um, but older cats, I feel like a lot of them still like in that death comedy thing.
So they were like, yeah, let me show you.
I had a comedian one time talk about like physically inserting his tongue in the women's
assholes and he was like going step by step.
I was like, you gotta stop.
Yeah.
It's bad.
I know exactly who you're talking to.
He also has a bit like in his act where he like licks the microphone and people have
to go up after him.
Oh no, it's cool.
He's about to be COVID.
That's what I'm saying.
He's like, he's like the comedian, like Rudy Gobert to shut the whole fucking thing down.
To lick a microphone is insane.
Yeah.
It's like how many people you think they watch these motherfuckers?
They don't.
Okay.
Hell no.
When I was a kid, I used to do sound at my dad's church.
I was like, yo, you know, I'll make sure the volumes are right.
They pay me $5, sometimes 20, you know, to five became 20.
I felt good.
But then I had the deep, I break down on the microphones and I used to smell all the cushions.
I don't know why.
Hot, but it would smell like the backdrop of ass, bro.
Like it would be worse smell.
I imagine the microphone covers.
Yeah.
Because it's just, is that why you smell in the microphone?
I don't know.
You know how you do weird things.
Yeah.
All the time.
Yeah.
My weird thing is I would smell, I was smelling it when I was taking the, I don't know, the
little, the muff part.
I don't know what you call it.
The filter.
The styrofoam thing.
It ain't styrofoam.
The filter.
Whatever the fuck.
When I took off the microphone's afro, I would smell the afro.
Yeah.
I'm sorry for even telling people that.
I don't know why I did that.
No, but you could smell it.
Cause I, like you, so I didn't know you was a pastor's son.
Yes, sir.
See, I am too.
It was just my mama and she was crazy.
But no, whenever you got to like put the shit up, you know what I'm saying?
You just take them off and you smell it and then people like, people have been singing
on that motherfucker.
On that motherfucker.
You get constant hot breath and just from the back.
Yeah.
You ever had a tonsil stolen before?
No.
I know what they are though.
You'll get one one day.
Oh.
If you ever, if you ever accidentally go, oh, what is this?
And smell it.
It smells like pure death.
Cause it's just been in the back of your throat.
Yeah. What is that human instinct to smell stuff that comes out of our body?
Cause we're disgusting.
Yeah.
At the end of the day.
We're so disgusting.
What's the weirdest thing you've smelled?
Oh my, uh, my toenails.
Like whenever, you know, but like whenever you, cause I get, I get a, what's the ingrown,
ingrown toenails.
So I got to cut that bad boy out.
I use a knife.
I just use a regular knife.
Yo, that's military Rambo shit.
Cause I look, it's like you go in there and you pop it.
And then when you got to get it out of the skin, you got to cut that piece off and then
pull it the other way so you can get it up out of you.
And it smells terrible.
Damn.
But I always smell like that.
You're a surgeon.
I just want to stop you right there.
See the VA I hope y'all listen.
There's no reason you should have to live like this.
Self operations.
He just gave us a foot operation to break down.
He said you got to cut that extra piece of skin off.
He knew the exact maneuver.
Yo, this man knows the coordinates of dick toe cutting.
Cut it off and then you smell it. Yeah, I'd say we all know you know, you can't get your foot up
You said that you could suck your own toe during sex I remember
Yeah, I haven't sucked my own toe during sex but you said that you could I don't know the story
You read it. I can't I can put my foot extremely close to my but he did do it
You also said you could don't do
Yes, there was a summer in my life that I could don't know you can I swear you cradle the ball
You cradle the ball. This is his whole thing
He thinks that I'm coming up there palminate you cradle the ball
That means you you got to get higher if you play the ball. So you just out there with bunnies just out
It was not pretty it was not like I'm cocking back like doing a windmill three-state
LeBron James Miami heat era dunk. I'm going straight up
I just think I'm gonna notice I thought you stick it. I just don't know
I don't know about the validity of that statement because you have a joke about how bad you are at basketball
No, I am terrible at basketball because I play football a lot
I'm not saying I was a I'm not dunking in game. I'm not dunking in game
This is not one of those things where it's like, oh I can go like y'all move out the way. I can show you
Yeah, but no, no, I know what you're saying
I still don't lateral movements are terrible. I don't believe you're a citizen
Yeah, you don't believe I can dunk I don't believe you don't have some information
United States Homeland Security Department. Oh seem is incredibly valuable
Yeah, I'm always picking on people how'd you get those Cuban cigars down
I can't tell you
You ever had a fever dream with Saddam Hussein's bodyguard tries to molest you
Oh, yeah, I had to happen to me that almost and I hold up let me touch Brandon knows the procedure Brandon knows
We got to bring this up
Saturday on Saturday. No, was it Saturday? No on me on Wednesday Wednesday. Yeah
No, please. Please tell the story. So Brandon tells us
He goes y'all ever got picked on by somebody with special needs
So we like nah fam, what do you mean?
We ever been picked on by somebody with special needs he was like man
I was real trusting when I was younger when he was six years old. Yep
Madagascar to came Madagascar. Oh, no, not that not that young
Brandon temps in his brain by the time but Brandon goes
He was afraid to cross the jungle gym monkey. Yep monkey bar and his special needs kid
Said don't worry. I'll hold your legs and carry you across
So Brandon said okay Brandon said he got about midway through and the special needs dude
Just slams him headfirst into the ground
No, it was like this. It was worth hands up like this boom
Like a whip full range of motion like this guy
Whipping you kettlebell
You know kettlebell slam as if he's trying to like put the loose bed sheet over
Exactly. He's fanny yo ass out on my back on his back
So I was like dang that's crazy and then brandy said yeah
So the second time we was like wait what and brandy goes? Yeah, I was real trusting and we're just losing our minds like
What are you talking about? He said the second time he did we were like brandy you really let him do it a second time
He said yeah, but the third and final we're like what he said
Well, the second time he told me he don't really do that. That ain't in his nature
He just did it so I was like it made me think of the old saying fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice
Shame on me. Well fool me three times
Are we sure he's the special needs?
What are you talking about? Yeah, there was a lot of questions around those years
There's a lot of questions around these years. Oh hell yeah
We fighting now at the school
Oh, that's that's I mean that's just gold dog. Yeah, we couldn't stop laughing about it. I mean
We were all in shock. It just doesn't stop
It keeps coming out and then he was scared that his therapist was trying to avoid him. Oh my god
Listen, hold on. I want to say this because I feel like people
They think well it's
It's an anomaly or he people will think brandon's lying about some of this stuff
And then what's crazy is somebody would randomly corroborate
Yeah, like his what his fiance would be like telling him about the time this happened. He's like what?
He was telling us something crazy and he facetimed the dude and the dude was like, oh you talking about the time this happened? Yep
Mm-hmm
Brandon is a victim
Career victims
I want you to think of the luckiest person you've ever met in your life everybody who has a lucky moment
You sent 10 unlucky moments
And he has to live them all
He does it with a smile on his face
Exceptionally young man, I mean the p.co scene was cool
Remember?
No, we were talking you caught him banging. Yeah, why that was the face time? That was what the
Yeah, he caught his two p.e coaches banging and what how were you?
Like probably eight. Why is everything? Wait, hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Let's see. It was two five. Well, that's one of
Like 10 11
Oh, yeah, jewish culture you start becoming a man
How do you feel about jewish people? Yeah. Yeah, that's the way you look
Okay, yeah, it's that half germane you look like you have some interesting opinions on israel palestine
If you lived over there you could probably sneak in either way, but I wouldn't I wouldn't fuck with it
I wouldn't go over there looking like this. You shouldn't. Oh, yeah
They might think you're a third party exactly
Wait, they're like hamas maybe like hagan
I'm sorry
You open up for a matthew tate
I did right. I did. I opened up
Matthew, I'm sorry. No, go ahead. Go ahead. What you about say I opened up for his uh album recording
Yeah, yeah matthew tate was one of the dudes who gave me my first shot like hell. Yeah on my first show
That's good shit. I like man. I like take first. He got some good jokes first time. I did comedy was at uh,
Boxcar what was then the station for real? Yeah, that was the first I still got the picture of my phone from that night
Uh, so that's back when matthew tate was running it. Yeah, he was the one that pretty much came up
After I did my set like shook my hand was like hey man. Keep doing it. You're funny. Keep coming back
It was times. I thought about quitting and matthew tate was like no
You got it. You can do it. He told me whatever bullshit. I needed to hear, you know
Yeah, not saying that he'll bullshit you but I was asking for some dumb shit probably
You know me I was uh, yeah know me I was asking for something
Yeah, see tates interesting because he he was the guy and whenever we came up, you know
We don't we don't we don't know him that well because he just started uh
Coming back out but whatever but as soon as I saw him at shenanigans
He did this 9-eleven joke that I love and I was like, I'm sure you do. Yeah, I bet you do
I bet you do. Yep. Yeah, leave me alone people love when they incorporate
Is this camera focusing in on me? Yeah, it's always on
Oh damn, I bet he does
I bet he does
America public enemy number one
You're the one that parachuted out and got tower seven
God wait
No, I did I had this art teacher in the eighth grade who showed me the tower seven video and he told me it was aliens
That did it. Oh, he was also a pervert. Yeah
I'll oh, you know those teachers are yeah, Brandon knows. Yeah, Brandon knows for sure their neighbors
Yeah, brandy's i'm getting extra credit again. I already got an a plus plus, but he said there's more I can take
I'm sure there is but um, no, I used to have a teacher who uh, would talk to me and show me bigfoot footage
And like his thing was bigfoot was real and that the united states government is lying to us about it
Because of like the genetic makeup or it'll make us ask like different kinds of questions
And what I messed up by telling him he was like, do you believe in bigfoot?
Like he he just was asking on something casual or so I thought
But he was like you believe in bigfoot and I go
Well, if you look at history
You have like the yeti over in asia in africa. They have
Excuse me
like these big humanoid
Gorilla like that looks like bigfoot. Mm-hmm. So I was like, you know what? I think if multiple cultures
Have a creature
Maybe that creature exists. I'm not
Definitely saying bigfoot existed but that makes sense
I'm not if they went extinct cool if they came out and said dragons were real
I'm like, I believe that multiple people talked about dragons. No cool
But I don't think there would be this huge conspiracy to lie to us
And he said cool. I know I got another brother in the squash like that's what he said
He started calling bigfoot squat and that's what I was like. Ah shit. I'm a part of it
You in a cult now i'm deep. Yeah
You all the way in there i'm getting different levels
But yeah, that's uh, I had a crazy teacher too
But why do people go so hard in the paint for bigfoot?
Like why are they so diet? Like why does it matter? I feel the same way about like um, yeah
Off of one picture. Mm-hmm. Yeah that the dude said on his deathbed was fake
Like totally he was like, yeah, that's just not real but people just want to believe
Yeah, they want to believe that just want to believe all these like sometimes conspiracy theories aren't conspiracy theories are just like
Something that people trying to hide, you know what I mean? Yeah, like you're talking about like, uh, let's say kennedy assassination
Or martin luther king's no, it was a conspiracy theory at the time
But people were just trying to hide that they shot him right true, but some of this shit earth is a fucking dome
Come on. Okay. Okay, but i'll say this you bet not the no no
Stay with me. Okay. Okay. Okay, you know people flat earth
Yeah, and rounder here's here's my thing right?
Who the hell like why does it matter?
This is I mean
Everything my life is not gonna change at least I can say this
Claimer because y'all might get taken off the internet for this one. I say at least people saying like stuff like okay the whole
vaccine
Going okay. That's just the united states government trying to do x
It's usually someone can go. Okay, maybe I there's a there's an idea there that makes sense
I'm not saying I agree with it. You're trying to do population control whatever
Okay, at least a makes gets to be which is yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I get what you say
But to say they don't want us to know the earth is flat. Okay, why?
What does that stop us from doing?
How is that affecting my everyday life? Because if the united states government came out said yeah, bro, the earth is flat
I was like, all right, cool. I'm the same way I'm the same here. I'm gonna live my life the same way
I don't give a fuck same. I don't trust them. They can't be
Because of the physics of it how they do all these calculations
I'm not disagreeing with you. Yeah, everybody who's learning whatever calculation that is they determine to you know
To go outer space and figure all this shit out then they would all be learning the wrong shit
It just doesn't make sense
I'd say like no way if they want to be like if they're if they're stupid which I kind of
Think they are because it's such a little argument to
Take up for yeah
But cool. Go ahead raise your finances. I hope you all get to space and y'all see that it's round or flat
I hope that y'all get whatever y'all I would love I just hope they spent all their money to go
Yeah, just don't do that. Oh just to see that it was round. Nothing would make me happier
Like they went into complete debt. They fucked up their whole family
That's when they drank that would really bring joy to my life
You it's when they drink the pool aid and hit that fucking button the challenger explosion. He's like they end it all
He's like I cashed in my child's college fund
I cheated on my wife at a flat earthers convention with a woman named maria
Who i'm pretty sure gave me an std. I'm just too afraid to go to my doctor figure it out
All for the name of flat earth
That's what you want. Yeah, that's wild
Damn because it's insane to believe these things it is but you got to imagine too
In there even bigfoot I give you bigfoot because it probably was something to look like a fucking
Yeah, there was at one point there was like a ape. Yeah. Yeah, the skunk ape or something like that
No, you're talking about some avatar last airbender
I've heard that somewhere skunk ape
No, there's some sort of I think it's the florida version
And a bigfoot skunk
You thought about it
You don't want to know the truth you never wrote you never wrote the white wave, huh? No never
I'm not gonna say it's fun. But I'll tell you this I freak out when I don't do it anymore
I freak out when there's boogers in my nose so I could only imagine like there won't be any book
You'll make sure there's no boogers. You'll burn them out. I'm getting a clean tube right to the brain
Anything going in my nose freaks me out. You got a deviated septum dude snork up
Self-solving bro. I'll tell you this
You look like a floridian who does a lot of coke. Oh for sure. Thank you look like any tampa
strip club owner
Brandon you just look like any victim
Yeah
Brandon looks like somebody that like got killed on a roller coaster. I feel you do. Oh, yeah
You get like two lines
He's that dude they always talk about that got decapitated at six flags
Yeah, that's brandon over my iphone 5 or something
You know when people jump out for their phone, oh, yeah, yeah
Fuck that yeah, you gotta hate you shouldn't have bought that flash pass at six flags. It just destroyed you half your bank account
Yeah, do your thing bro, i'm telling you i'm here to have a good time
Yo show I wanted to show y'all a gift I wanted to be the first person
To bring y'all a gift but then I found out I was third because nico and sierra brought you a gift
I wonder if you can take it out the box. You can leave it in the box. Oh you brought this
Yeah, I brought that. Oh shit. Hell. Yeah, do you remember 1990s kevin sorbol? Yes, that's the best one. That's the look
Come on, baby
I did that because I knew it was something you would recognize but it's something like that's so stupid because funcle pops to me are dumb
Uh-huh, because i'm like they're toy dolls, but his generation loves them. Yeah
I figured a cool bridge for the two of you dude, dude. I got first of all
That's badass and I do because whenever kevin sorbol used to come on this one. Yeah, zena would come on. Yep
Zena warrior princess my boo. Hey dog. That was some good shit. Yeah
He got turned on when I did that
He got funcos is that oh, yeah, this is my home. That's a black and white muhammad ali
Yeah, he has a jim crow era muhammad. Oh, what the fuck?
That's cashew's playing
You be eating jimmy jams when you sit down
Oh, no, bruh, that is not catching on dude. Yeah anybody
Dom thinks jimmy jams is an appropriate way to say hot dogs. That's what they're called
Nobody call i'm just saying like people go watch this and be like, oh, yeah, I call them jimmy jam too
Nobody says people say that I don't know people from washington
I've never asked whenever i've went somewhere and I said I want a jimmy jam with this and this on
They never questioned me because they probably thought she was meant to be
And
They're like we know his car they love hot dogs. Is that what they call them in syria, dude?
I thought y'all couldn't eat them
Olly enough they have to eat hebrew international. Yeah, those bitches are fire though. Yeah
I think all mentally handicapped kids love hot dogs. It's true
I used to volunteer at a special needs camp every year and that's like for one thing one thing
They always like a majority of the kids. Uh, would be like I only eat x
90 of the time it was hot dogs
It was really interesting. I never understood why what did you do down? I was a counselor at a special needs camp
That's how you met brandon. Yeah, no, I met brandon
I met brandon
Coming through a therapy office. Yeah for real. No. Oh
He said yeah, like yeah, I know he said that shit fast
He was ready to play trying to make a quick joke about it by him saying yeah threw me off
I was committing it. Yeah, he was what if he told you a real story that you didn't remember until just now
Brod he would be some kind of demon like hell raiser except for the pain happens to him
I don't know. Mm-hmm
We're drinking right that signals. I feel good. Yeah, you should you want to suck on this?
Yes, what it is up with you in this? No, I didn't know if you wanted to because you had your glasses on and shit
Well, no, I have my glasses on like i'm the wearer glasses on to say you first thing you said is
Come look at this and then you said you want to suck on this
I'm the one in the wrong
Bruh, I want chris hansen to come in here and have uh, now play by play of everything you said
You asked him if you want to suck on the transcript. Yeah, he got the transcript of just things
Yeah, you're you're big brown poppy 97 aren't you?
You asked him if he wanted to suck on what does that mean?
I just love that show I do oh
Uh how to catch a predator to catch come on now the uh, I don't know what he was
But he was brown some kind of brown he came in there butt-necked. Oh, yeah
Butt-ass neck he was ready
Yo, yeah, it will be episodes the worst kind of child predator the one that skips the foreplay for real
Because they would always be the same shit like it'll be
The uh young actress playing a child and she'll be like come on in there's some iced tea and brownies on the stove or whatever
It's like i'm going to do this laundry real quick and every now that you have a dude like
Yeah, I gotta get my dick out before she comes which
Don't get me wrong
Predators are just disgusting we can all agree on that. Oh, did it work?
Hell, they're not the worst. It's the dudes who get butt naked in the damn for you
The worst is you a different kind of animal. Yeah. Yeah, he was you don't give up. He probably knew it was a trap
He's like, you know, you would think somebody would go pull up there, uh, get the shorts or whatever
He just set their butt neck and talk
What are you doing? Oh nothing. I didn't know I love when I didn't
A child it's no it's for it was like looking at a child
Like if you ever have like a niece or a nephew or anything when they lie and you catch them in the line
They'll go to the like you like I didn't even ask you that yet. Yeah, you're like, so what are you doing?
She said she was 18
What I didn't ask you
Let's just say I didn't know who you were. Uh-huh. Let's say I'm doing some housework. I just came over to ask
Hey, man, what are you doing?
I already know you lying, bro
Already I grew up watching cheaters
Cheaters with the sardinian stabbed too. He got stabbed in one episode. I was on the boat. Yeah, he uh, he tried to get
Was this you some niggas said?
That's when I knew that shit was real sometimes you'd be like, come on this
You know how you know people say oh we're getting desensitized
There was nothing better than when that dude was on the boat bleeding and at one point they put the camera on his face
Because they don't know if he's gonna make it or not. He said
I don't drop that sir. Oh shit he might die. Like nah that was really good. Cheaters
Did you ever see the one with the uh, the old couple which one was his old play?
He went playing no games. He was like you caught me bitch. I told you like that. No, no, no, no, no that's
Wait, that may be it but this guy he's clearly he's like 50s or 60s and this woman is like you cheating on me
They confront him. He on a date with another girl
They're like you she like you cheating on me you cheating on me
And he like get that camera out of here now like he ain't he's not saying i'm sorry
No, he was like get that camera out of here now and she's like you cheat on me
I gave you the best years of my life. He goes look at ho yeah
I told you who I was when you met me i'm a player from south park like he was not
Stepping back. I remember watching it and going as a kid like you know, I didn't know this kind of mid existed
He ain't play no game. He wasn't playing no game and he was not accepting any fault
Mm-hmm at all like the one she was wrong for bringing these cameras over here. Yeah catching him
You ain't gonna leave whenever you fucking get done with dinner like he's he he he own some players like no matter how you feel about
How misogynistic it might be whatever?
He was on that like I was giving him that I mean, that's an old school. Yeah, you are something
I can't even teach you anything. You are that that you are that player bro and uh was so crazy. He was
Just she ruined the day. He said look at you. You're ruining my date. I'm getting out of here
She she talking stuff like you I ain't never gonna be with you again. He lied
That's what they all say like he just talking shit right back
By the end of the episode. She's like, I ain't never going back. I ain't never going back. They may be like the conclusion
Cheryl took him back two weeks later. It was like bro. He ain't playing
He ain't back whatever it is. He told he said you doing all this shit when you know, you're gonna be right back with it
And I think but the truth is you can't be mad at him if he was like that from the jump. Can you be?
That's what we're saying. Maybe one that's one of the things I try to tell people like when they buy
Oh, so it's a piece of shit. Usually if I got I don't know them. I'm like, yeah
I didn't know it was a piece of shit
But when we all know some somebody's like you knew they knew yeah people tell you who they are
That's one thing people always gonna do they gonna tell you who they are
That ex basketball player his uh wife just started an only fan. Oh my god, joe smith
Smith and then it came out like his wife was like he was I can't believe my wife get naked on camera
Then it came out. It was like no when he met her she was doing porn. I was like
Joe, how you mad?
Are you sure you can't believe that's what you walked in video evidence. This is so much evidence. This is she cool with that
Yeah, some people
Some people call it captain savor or whatever
Yo, whatever somebody want to do and what they're gonna be let them be that
Yeah, but you can't get mad at her. You can't be like true. She was a fucking porn star
You wiped her up. It ain't going good. She don't know how to make money
Fuck hell, yeah, like rock how she make money. Yes. Mm-hmm like you said like rocky
Yeah, you remember he only knew how to box so he had to come back
Okay, but you this is this is like the fourth or fifth time you brought up rock you want to watch rocky
I mean, yeah, I wouldn't mind that was your movie when you were growing up, huh? Oh, no, that's my movie now
Uh
Smile on his red and was that a boy's night a boy's night in when we all watch rocky. Yeah, it just eats steak full series
Full series. So it's gonna be a week
Side note, this is so stupid. I think crack probably is the best thing for your joints. I've seen crackheads run
Oh, yeah, flip land from yeah flip. I seen a crackhead run like blade
Somebody tried to run him over and he just started running and he ran up the car and then landed
It and didn't even turn around. He just looked at him like motherfucker. I think crack does something great for your joints
Have you ever seen a video dude jumped off the roof and he came down. He was a crack a pain 20
I was coming out through he's like my back
Yeah, it's the funny. I think my favorite I think my favorite was uh, you remember the crate challenge when everybody's yeah
It's this one. I don't even know if he had crackhead bro, but he's down bad
He falls and they put the camera right in his face because they want to interview him and he goes when I came down
That was the realest noise
Yeah, that shit hurt I know his hips like prisoner of war camp sound
Yeah, you ever hear a noise like and you just it like it rocks your soul
blood curdling
Okay
Oh
Are they seeing this? Yeah, they go see I want y'all to know this is amazing. I've never seen anybody
No, you play I'll tell you what it was. All right
Oh, okay pause it right now, okay. Hold up
Right here, this is the first time i've ever seen anybody who's going bald but still have their hair
He's got the fryer tuck, but he said keep my hair line
Yeah, but no, I love that's one of the say some things are not okay to joke
And you just went there my bad, dude, I know that the steroids arrow was
That's why I got titties now
Okay, i'm happy. I brought this up what?
People of america
Dom has apparently lived the craziest life of all time
What because he would say something but he'll say it like it's normal. Yes. Don't be like man, you know back when I was in hawaii
I was driving a convertible
Those are the good times. I was just doing coke and shooting up with steroids. You'd be like what in the mark walberg?
Whole time he was in the army whole time. He's just in the way. Yes, so he just talking
He's like, yeah, I was just you ever smashed a samoan woman while sniffing coke on her ankles like no
Like it's a lot of surface area
I
Every time I see a samoan woman, I always want to like do oh lineman drills. I feel like oh, yeah
You can run Oklahoma with them. They like they like real cool and sturdy fuck with you then they fuck with you
You know saying type of shit and that's how the dudes don't like white these whites. Yeah, like over here in the corner
with the uh, you know why they don't like white people it's a
Um saying it came in and like took it over. No, it's it's it's about how white dudes when they get drunk
Because you come to hawaii on vacation, right?
Right, so when you come when you come to hawaii on vacation you get fucked up and then some what and then the whites
Uh, you know, these aggressive they're just aggressive whites and there's usually who they be out there
And then they try to start stuff with the biggest like these dudes are so big
You can't physically there's no way I could physically do anything to this person because he's that big and they'll just be like
Yeah, i'll fuck you up and I seen one dude
He was a bald-haired white dude. He kept on saying some uh derogatory shit about afghanis and then
And uh hawaii was like, I know afghani stop saying that shit and he was like we'll go outside
So they went outside and it was um
There's a brick wall
He the hawaii dude whooped his ass drug his head his bald head across the brick wall and skin that shit for at least 10 feet
He's greater. It's greater than and then do do got up and he was like, all right, man
You were right and shook his hand. Hey, you by the way, by the way
You know you just proved sci-fi's point by saying that right?
You just said one of the crazy like american history x in reverse like fucking cheese grater head story
And you just said it like everybody's seen
Something like that, you know how you get hawaiians. He just no, no
I've never seen that just happen to be the skin another man's head
Graded that shit i'm talking about straight up boom boom boom and was doing it. It wasn't he had full
These months look if y'all ever come in contact with a samoyan
Y'all don't want to work because they can move they big like that
But they can move and if somebody can move they wake that fast. You don't have a yeah, dude
I saw the rock
No, let's see now not the rock. They don't be big like that. They'll tell you like this. Look at me
I'm built like a nine-year-old
Those are big people they big strong samoyan people are one of the few people that be like what up nigga and black people like
All right
We don't say we don't get too loud. No, they could I mean they can say because I ain't gonna stop
Yeah, I ain't doing that shit then they can kick too. Oh, yeah, you ever seen haku haku? Yeah, dude that rustler
Dude, they got so many stories about him pulling people's ears out night
Yeah, i'm talking about a rustling dude wrestling is a big thing in the culture apparently I was watching this documentary
on uh
The rocks was the grandfather peter peter mazzi. Yeah
Yeah, it's a big like over like in hawaii. Yeah, it was a it was like this really cool subculture
Yeah, they owned the territory in the early 80s with uh, the rocks grandmother
She was the top dog down there and uh, I remember you had rocky johnson and uh, the wild samoans
Yeah stuff like that like i'd rather know that
Ran to be in his house
4 a.m. With the blue glow of the tv screen
Just watching wrestling matches from 1984. You're not wrong doesn't forget a single thing exactly
His girl will be coming in like baby. It's time to go to bed
It's your time. He's like peter mad dog johnson got two more rounds in him. I know it
He just kicked out of the 17th pen attempt
All right, guys, that's the end of the podcast. Yeah. Yeah, it was a good time man. It was a great one with the great sci-fi
Yeah, yeah, the great sci-fi got jokes, dude. Love them
Now's your time to go ahead and look in this camera right here and tell the people what you got coming up
Or where to find you where to find me even though my name is just sci-fi you can find me at sci-fi
I got jokes on every piece of social media
Ain't that something even my email is
It's the only way I could have made sure I got the whole thing so I had to
But yeah, um by the time this comes out i'll have done two shows. I believe just look out follow me on anything
Any of those whether it be twitter tiktok
Uh, if you like hearing stupid high ideas follow me on twitter
Instagram for sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Appreciate it man. Thanks for coming dude
Thank you. Hell yeah