The plot of Black Panther 2 is like they're in Wakanda and then a dude just comes out of the water
Dude that's just the that's just the Montgomery brawl dude
The wings on the shoes is the fucking Hattie threw in there
They copied it bar for bar dude that's fucked up
This is the clown college podcast
We're just a couple open micers trying to make our way through the scene where we interview
Comedians throughout different stages of their comedy career no matter if they're open micers headliners or traveling comedians
I'm here to Jamie 2.0. I just talk a lot more
Damn it Brandon go sit in the corner
Hey guys, what's going on y'all? Hey, it's us again. We have extra refreshments here for anyone who would like
So how was your weekend JJ is I
It was real good. I had a lot of fun at stand-up live
I forgot my joke on stage my first joke three minutes a lot. It's a lot of material to remember you do
It's a lot of material. That's one of the hardest. Oh, yeah, yeah three minutes. You got to get in there banging
Who 30 minutes sets? I don't respect you. Yeah, fuck you Jonathan Silver
My boss
Yeah, I'm sorry man
I'm sorry. I forgot to record Dom said best that I've ever did in my life. Yeah, that was I
Is I you know, I'm sorry I missed that one
I was fucking with you. Jake was fucking with me dude. Yeah, I couldn't pay attention Jake. I just kept watching him chug beers
Shout out Jake
Yeah, like four of them the waiter came over and then she's just clanging together
When they were clear the tail he bought a six-pack stickers fingers in each one stand up live each beer is eight dollars
He's a big baller also funny hilarious very very funny. He's gonna be on here soon
I think in some capacity probably before he has his own episode, right? Probably probably just too funny
What's up, what's up with you Brandon man same thing went down to stand up live finally got to go up
I did forget some shit, but it was but you know, that's what happens. Yeah, it was good
Then after that I got fucked up in the middle of night had a big ass cheesecake
Shouldn't have done that fucked up had some talkies with it
Then I was crying all day. Oh you ate a whole cheesecake basically mess like I'm sure you was left
We're talking about like an 8 inch cheese. I just went to the place $14 from public mouse. Oh boom. Oh
Yep from public's man. I kid you not I went in there went home ate all the shit public's does got the best
Oh, dude, it's not even close. Yeah, Walmart is shadowing about publics
Walmart doesn't know if you're not from the South dude move here just for public
Oh hell yeah, and there are subs the pubs of go hard dude. The chicken is good chicken tender
Everything the deli goes crazy potato wedges. Yeah everything
So you want to tell the people how we got sexually assaulted? Uh, oh, yeah
Um, so basically this is the me too section of the podcast
We were we were at lone goose Friday night after the stand-up live mic is you know me you?
sci-fi Jalen Brown
Charlie Fisher Jake Muncie Dan Price
Everybody was yeah a lot of people is there and we're standing by like the end of the bar
Me and Dom standing next to each other and a gentleman is passing us to get to the water station
The hydration station if you will and he just grabs a handful of my ass
And I look over and Dom's already looking at me. I'm like grab him in my 36 years of living nobody
No grown man has ever grabbed me by my hips to move me out the way
Yeah, I'm 300 pounds. Don't grab me by the fucking hips
You tapped me on the shoulder. Can I get right by you and they entered you right? He got a no he
Oh, I thought he got up. I thought you oh, yeah, fuck. No, dude. It was outside. It was a handful of
Cheap dude. It was crazy
Why was he so comfortable with doing that?
I don't know, but I don't know why I was so comfortable with it happening. I didn't really give a fuck
Yeah, you didn't Dan Price was like what you guys talking about?
It happens every time I go well for Dan it makes sense that twink
Wait till you see Dan. He's the opposite of a twink. I'll tell you that ex-marine dude. Yeah, that's where all the twinks come from
That is true. That is true. I've seen the videos
But um
I forgot what the fuck I was about to say. That's why you don't smoke weed guys. True that. Yeah, I just totally lost my mind
Shout out. Uh, well, I probably shouldn't say his name for the gas before this show
Because I hit that shit and you know, I'm kind of here. I'm kind of not yeah, and it's legal. It's legal
Yeah legal t-a-c-a
28 team farm bill
Fucking yeah, I did eat this pizza
But I don't think some of that shit that they sell at the shops that they say is legal that cannot be legal can't be oh yeah
I I get like
What'd you say? I like that shit hits me harder than weed does
Oh hell yeah at the shop at the shop can of barmaid
Yeah, at the shop at the shop can of bar merkantown
Come see us Monday
First and third we have good times. Hey, we have good and you'll see the host of the mic later on this episode
And you are in for a treat because nico we don't even know what the fuck's gonna happen
No, I flipped this table over he might start dancing on it and singing karaoke, which is oh my god
He kills on karaoke. He's surprisingly good at that
Yeah, so Brandon anything happen with you? Oh man
Dude, you want to talk to me and talk about it?
You saw in this
I got scarred at work. Let me see what happened
Middle tonight. I'm talking to these girls, which is my mother my girl my mom
No, fuck that my mother my girl is my sister. I'm tripping. There's two moms
Oh, I'm thinking of myself. Oh shit everybody's thinking something wrong with me
I'm playing too much white jazz. So we want to play that Mo Lewis and while I'm trying because we got a dig in
Craigs man, we old school. I'm digging real fast. He keeps saying you let him call you Nick
You let him call you Nick and I'm like miss what you let him call you Nick. No, I don't
I'm trying to get you to call me Nick. I'm trying to get you to call me Nick
What you let him call you Nick? No, I don't let him call. No, I do not
I was taking this down with that. Hell no
But you know then I would have probably lost my job and then you like, you know
Why I called you right because i'm a lonely old lady trying to have some fun or something
You want to come on over? I know you get off work after this and i'm like, uh, you know
Not today miss maybe some other time but no i'm good. I'm good. And he's like, okay blow me a kiss man
I was like I didn't do it the first time second time. I'm like, all right. Goodbye
Then I found out it was him
I was so shocked man. I was like
See, but no after it happened. He came up to us at the next open mic after mike and was like
He told us his whole story. He didn't know it was us no clue. Then we come in here to film the video
It's like Brandon
We need to practice this new way of watching clips up on the tv and we start playing that video in his fucking face
You'll see it. Yeah, his fucking face. Yeah. Yeah, it's on alexa z's, uh episode but whenever uh
I thought he was mad when he when we filmed the reaction. Didn't you see that? He didn't understand
Yeah, I was surprised he was process it took me like 10 minutes to process what was going on and the video was only three minutes
Yeah, I was I was surprised and high
He was just sitting there like
I
Was like watching somebody watch a movie but it's just
Felt like I was adopted or something. Yeah, that's how I felt too. Oh shit
He feels bad for you jay-jay, no, I feel bad for you brandon. Thank you. That was crazy for multiple reasons
I know man. Yeah
You know the next day I'm in my mom she found out I was like why ain't there were they laughing with you or after
I'm like dude. No, they laughing with me. He's like sure. I mean when you were a kid
He's throw sticks and rocks you thought they were laughing with you. No
Damn dude. I know that was weird. Not only are we laughing with you. I mean who else wouldn't let you're one of the funniest people
Oh, I mean just not you're just naturally fun like full disclosure during the video the prank call we are laughing at you
Yeah, because it's the it's a prank but then like when i'm watching it with you i'm laughing with you
I'm laughing at that shit. That was funny. I was like that's comedy gold
It couldn't have turned out better than it did it couldn't turn out you can't write that shit
And then they come to find out that moe louis is white. Yes, dude
He said I wanted that white jazz and then he says moe louis stop playing white jazz play moe louis
looking if he's listening right now, i'm sorry, but
You know, sometimes you can just you can just tell by the name walter almost never a white dude because
He's like over 100 years old. Yeah, maybe
Oh, yeah, all right. All right. Jimmy carter's wife. She died. I heard that during the football
But was funny was that they were like rip jimmy carter's wife 19 years old
She was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry
That's not funny, but but was funny was that they were like rip jimmy carter's wife 96 years old real
O. G and he's like and back to the game
Yeah, that just like swept it. Yeah. Okay now let's get back to the important. He's like yeah and enough of that bullshit
Back to what really matters
Watching people do tiktok dances after they score a touchdown
That's exactly how it went and watch the rezzo channel with scott hansen. Yeah
Yeah, he's the best chris hansen's brother. Yeah, I think they are are they no, I have no clue. I'm just spreading misinformation
That's all this podcast is spread misinformation. Yeah
Yeah, so what's up? What else is new you guys actually saw that you didn't feel my set branding got pranked phone call
Yeah, oh I hosted for the first time
No, we talked about that last episode. Oh, i'm high guys. Yeah, i'm sorry
I'll host again the silver dollar open mic, but you are the host now, right?
Not for homegrown yet, but for the silver dollar. It's i'm just guest hosting jonathan's out of town
And what date is that so they know december 7 december 7 come out and check out anniversary of pearl harbor actually
December 7th nintendo switch also came out on december 7 two japanese attacks, dude. It's crazy. I hope alexander show up
Oh shit, yeah, that joke gonna be wild
We don't want to have a hate crime
What's going on there?
No, he'll probably be busy celebrating the lunar new year
He made a joke about it. I swear I think it's year of the dragon
You're the dragon, you know how they have like the 12 animals and he's like year of the rat
But it's year of the dragon now. That's pretty dope. That is I fuck with dragons way rather better than a rat
Yeah, oh man, fuck that rat scared the shit out of me man. What's your favorite animal brandon?
I feel like this is gonna be a crazy, you know what? When I was a kid, it was a shark and a bear
And then I was like man, I want to meet one and shit, but you know
I told you man my little dumb ass, but then when I got older, I was like fuck that so now
I don't fucking know probably a panther. I don't know a panther
Fuck it black panther, but equally as dangerous as the other they are but I don't want to see that shit
A black one or just yeah. Yeah, that's cool one. No race stuff. I just like the black
Panty hell. Yeah, wakanda forever. Hell fucking yeah r.i.p. Chad
R.i.p. Jimmy Carter's wife should have recasted it for
I'll stand on that
The the plot of black panther 2 is like they're in wakanda and then a dude just comes out of the water
I don't want to lie to you today. I remember the plot dude. That's just the that's just the montgomery brawl dude
That happened in real life
The wings on the shoes is the fucking hat he threw in the air dude
They copied it bar for bar dude, that's fucked up
That sign fell sure who's your favorite character son?
Man, you know, I used to be kramer. I like to do that spaz on stage
Yeah, they went crazy crazy what do you say bernie man he said the hearty I was gonna say he didn't say
I know he's not
He's not black, but he is he a white dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's white. Oh, yeah. Is he jewisher? He might be
I can never tell I don't know. I can never tell who's jewish or not. Yeah
Yeah, I guess I feel I give credit to the germans for figuring that out because I just think they're right kramer's the one on the right
Yeah
Stretched out image. I know yeah
Thank you. Have you seen sign failed though brandon? Yeah, i've seen a lot of them just randomly clicking on for other seasons
Yeah, but the reason I ask every episode you can watch out of order
I think it's one of the greatest comedies all the time
I just had to ask him because you know, he wears that fucking star wars shirt and he's never watched star wars
Yeah, also like three star brandon pulled up to open mic on friday in the star wars shirt
He's never seen star wars some like black track pants and some black leather loafers loafers bro
That was crazy
Brandon pulled up. He's like, oh shit. I forgot. Yeah
Yeah, I looked bro. You drove all the way here
And brandon got some big ass feet. Oh, yeah, he was wearing them fucking u-boats on his feet
Maybe 14. All right, it's okay. I'll get the camera over there baby
Call the radio station
We took that part out when we talked about it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, nobody knows the radio station where you're at
Well, he is be smooth. So hell yeah, be smooth. Keep a listen out request some more lewis. Mm-hmm
Brandon's not gonna realize it's not a prank when somebody asks for more. Oh, yeah. Yeah, i've had plenty of prank calls
Like I remember my cousin called he's like you remember me at uh, what was that place called chili's?
I was like what chili like yeah, i'm gonna fuck you up. I'm like for real hold up
What's going everybody laughing? I'm like, what's funny?
Like you'll see when you pull up and I fuck you up then when he when I found out he was like
Just laughing and how you doing and they hung up. He was my cousin
What the hell from when I feel like you're the easiest person to prank. Yeah, you also do seem like you'd be in the chilies
Hell, yeah, i'll be in
Those crispers man. Hell, yeah, oh the chicken crisper
Man knows game
Knows what he's fucking talking about with that bacon on it
I say when it comes to like low-end chain restaurants cheddar's is probably my favorite
You know, i've never been there they get dude. You gotta go. Okay. So this is this i've now we're talking dude
Now we're fucking talking. Let's go appetizers at restaurants that they give you for free
Top three. What is it for me? Number one overall texas roadhouse the fucking rolls with that cinnamon butter
I fucked that shit up
You can buy a dozen rolls for like five bucks and that's worth it. I'll just eat that as my meal
Oh, that shit is bomb. Do you get the butter with it when you order it up? Oh, yeah, dude. I have extra butter
I'll ball out so that and then the reason I thought of it cheddars
They have these fucking honey butter croissants that they give you
Shit's flaky and it's nice. You feel a little gay while you're eating it, but it's nice. It's a delicate food
And then third, I don't know everybody wants to say like red lobster the cheddar biscuits
But i'm gonna be honest. I don't really fuck with red lobster like that. You don't like red lobster. I'm allergic to shrimp
Oh, so that eliminates a lot of shit. I like stamp is the best there. I love this. I wouldn't know dude
I can go to town. I know you gotta start micro dosing micro dosing shrimp, dude
You'll get over it after that. I used to get the lobster pizza
I never had what you got to try it. I'm telling you. Yeah lobster pizza. What are you saying?
It is amazing. It's like
Appetizer it doesn't have traditional sauce. It has some kind of like alfredo. Yeah, like kind of margarita
It's like a margarita pizza with lobsters on it. Okay, really good
And then what's y'all's dude? What's your favorite?
the
Okay
Definitely the texas roll house is up there but I would say cheddar I like the cheddar biscuits better
Yeah, that'd be my number one and i'm always down for chips and salsa
Yeah, that's a class. You're giving me free chips and salsa. I'm with you. It's the mj of appetizer. Yeah
Oh, yeah
I do like those rolls. I'm trying to think of what else brandon. I know you got some
You have to know so I got more than two but i'm just gonna say two I got a red lobster
Of course the biscuits and then logan's roadhouse biscuits. Okay
Okay
You gotta try it man. What that outback bread dude the brown one?
That's yeah, that's good now at cheesecake factory. The brown one is the only good one
Whatever that white one is just hard as shit break your fucking teeth out dude. I would I refuse to eat that shit
I remember talking about it with sci-fi one time he calls the brown lows the n-word lows
And that's what he tells the waiter to bring you he says bring out the n-word lows
Shout out sci-fi, yeah, shout out. Yeah, we're gonna build him up like thanos in this motherfucker
He's gonna come in dredge just to shake it
I would I enjoy be like this dude can dunk believe it or not this guy can dunk
What'd he say the other day that he could do it was like crazy athletic
He said he could put his head as his ankles behind his head. He said he could suck his own toe
Yeah, suck his own toe. I'm like talking about because he was talking about like oh when you know when you're fucking a bitch
You start sucking your own tongue. I don't yeah
I don't know there's no way my body would even move anywhere close to that and I would break myself
Yeah, I'm not i'm not limber dude. I don't even understand what he's talking about. How do you suck your own toe while you're?
I don't know even if you were flexible
Why yeah, what's the point?
But where are you doing it? Like what position are you? Well, he was like standing up and he did like a cheerleader type
If you think wait till y'all get soft
If you think he did that he's built like a gnome. He says it himself
Gnome built body. I can't believe he said he lifted his leg up like that and so I couldn't I couldn't but he did do it
He did show us he can do that. He can lift his leg up that. Yes
He can get it like parallel to his like his torso get the fuck out of there
Yeah, maybe a little motherfucker is stinky athletic. Yo dom your reaction was priceless, man
Because you were agreeing every like yeah, right until you heard the toll thing then you were like, oh hell nah, man
What the fuck dom's real on board until he's not yeah
He was on me like, oh, okay. I see what he was. Oh hell. Yeah, because he was saying like regular shit
You know you get behind you grab whatever he was saying and he was like you suck your toe
What I'm like are you saying sucking her toe? He's like no you suck your own toe. Oh shit
That doesn't make any sense. I'm not a feet guy. I'm be honest definitely not my toes
Oh hell no, you're gonna get sick. Why'd you want to suck your own toe?
Get gout in your mouth. I have issues. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I got rid of my leg's foot
Yeah, you just piss on your feet in the shower, right? Or is that what they say that doesn't work
You got to get some real you got to get some tough. Dom's like I tried it a lot
I did it for like three months straight. It never worked
It didn't work man. That was a good dom impression
man, brand
sneak business
Dude the classic I don't know if anybody else had this i'm sure brandon might be able to relate to it
But the classic joke when I was in school is when you would have a textbook and the little thing
It says like issue date return date
And it would be in there in the first page people would write michael jackson issued black returned white
Like that was in like every textbook. That's good. It's a good joke. Yeah, it's a good joke
That's a good joke. I like that, you know, some fucking burnout kid was just sitting there one day and he was like
Finally caused a bomb threat
Yeah, nowadays they don't call me
Oh, yeah, yeah
We had a couple we had my school like somebody brought guns like multiple times with the intent of shooting up the school
Yeah, and then we don't have no fucking metal detectors
They just unlock the door at like eight o'clock and give 30 minutes of free range a walk in the door. We're fucked dude
Oh, yeah sitting dutch, man. Yeah, shooting fish in a barrel. Yo, no joke
I think I actually stopped one almost because I remember my freshman year. Let me tell you my freshman year this dude
He was so mad at these kids because you know, I was in the nerve. We were with the weird kids
Trying to find my way
But yeah, i'm there and he's like that's it. I'm fucking tired this man. I'm gonna go shoot up the school
He ran to the corner and I looked at everybody. Oh shit. Let me go say let me go talk to him
So as soon as I run to him, I said first of all, I need your facebook account
We best friends now so you don't kill my ass. But second of all, I do don't do that shit
Hey, man, text me. Hey, you need something and he didn't do it
Thank the lord
I know you're a hero fucking hero. I know national treasure god damn it
We had a guy who they would make him wear a clear backpack to school
Because he had like they he wrote a list of people he's gonna shoot at school
They found it and they're like you gotta wear this clear backpack now. I'm like
Maybe move him. Maybe don't have him at the school. Yeah, the clear backpack doesn't make me feel better
He's got an entire vehicle in the parking lot
And you know, he might keep that thing in there dude. He might have that fucking thigh holster. Yeah
He might have on a fucking a suicide vest. You don't fucking know
It's crazy
Like my sister just had one of those recently. She she uh went back home because somebody friended her up to school
That's crazy. Yeah with all these people but you that was black people were you
That huh? Oh, yeah, dude. I know they did. Yeah, dude, this dude brought a foot. No that guy was white but this dude
This dude brought a fucking what was it? Yeah, he looked like markiplier that you
But dude this dude pulled up with a fucking bb gun
He's like look at this brandon and every time I look down he just opened it and slashed him like
He tried I think he tried to shoot me in the head for once I ducked down. I just heard
I looked up and he had he just laughing like mike tyson some weird shit
Yeah, man, yeah brandon like matrix dodged a bullet
Nobody said anything and he always brought I was like so nobody's gonna say nothing about the dude with this bb gun just flashing
No
They're weird kids. Yeah, we didn't have that
Yeah, that dude was crazy. I remember my first day
I was trying to go out this girl right and as soon as I sat down he did the most classic fucking trick in the book
Look, boom move the fucking chair bro heartbreaker. Even she fell back. Oh my gosh. You're okay. Try to pick me up
No, I was skinny then she could have picked me up
Yeah back then you know, I was fat ass
You seen in the last once a day back when I was fat as shit. Oh hell. Yeah, man
Shit is that like my walks? Is that the worst like prank you've had pulled on you at school?
What that one which one the one where he pulled the chair out when you're oh no the worst shit that's ever happened to me
That I should have done something about
Because this was a big ass deal was I was standing up and this kid came out nowhere quickly
Pants me man, and it wasn't just my pants
My underwear too
So as soon as it goes down, I just pull it back up
And I thought nobody saw until I got called to the office the next day and the teacher like, you know
Brandon we were looking at the cameras and we had a witness come up and say uh that you got pants
Is that true? He wants to do something about it. I was like
Sure ain't no fucking way. Yeah, man. They they was watching the camera. Oh, yeah
They saw it on the camera. How old were you dude?
Man, I was like afraid it's illegal to have that footage. I know it's illegal to have that on
Yeah, I I haven't been pants but I saw somebody else get pants in a epic fashion dude, it was crazy
What happened there was this guy like who I went to school with and he was not he's just a normal dude
like nobody ever thought anything of it and then
This girl actually she was like kind of like she a lesbian type, but she liked dudes
She went up and she pantsed him like on this main staircase in front of the whole school
He had on a bright ass red thumb when he got pants. He never came back. I swear to god
He never came back to school
Everybody saw it and we're like what the fuck also we're like 16
You know, I I don't it just seems like a weird thing to do, you know
He was living his truth, but the truth can be exposed. Yeah
Was it like a man thong or at least is there are there man thongs? Yeah, I know I only saw the back angle
Oh, I didn't see the front angle
I don't know if it was like a banana hammock type situation or what but in the bag dude, it was it was thong bro
It was thong bro. It was thong bro
Sisqo dude straight up thong
Oh shit
That's good shit
That's fucked up for him. You know what I'm saying? He never can't well
He never came back dude. I i'm sure he's alive. Probably just had to transfer schools. He's probably successful shit now
Hmm damn maybe
It was Heath Cordes
Oh
on the private jet. Did y'all see that shit? Hell no.
Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell no for us. Hell yeah for us.
We'll just start, man. We'll get out. We'll get, hey, one day, JJ.
We're on the Honda Accord on the way to Campus 805. He's in the private jet on the way to Las Vegas.
2019 Honda Accord. My bad, dog.
Get that out there. My bad, dog.
Seen the grill on that thing?
I saw the handicap sticker on it.
Hey, man, you best not be looking.
We ain't never got to walk to the fucking venue, dude.
We had curbside parking. Hell yeah.
My car makes it.
Okay, first of all, when we go to Campus 805, me and you always park in the same spot.
I know, that's so fucking weird.
But my favorite thing to do is to sit there and wait for you to start backing out.
Because Brandon's driving is so fucking funny.
Is it? Yeah.
He's like, stop, start. He'll do like a 19-point turn out of a parking spot.
And you can just see Athena in the passenger seat like that.
You know, she's just like, fuck, do the fucking thing, dude.
And Brandon's like, I'm doing the thing.
I'm like, I'm taking my time. Shit. I don't want to hit the sidewalk.
That's why I call shit not a sidewalk.
All right, guys.
Hold on. Yeah.
All right. Three, two, one, go.
But what they don't realize is that not everybody from the South wants to accept that Southern part of their identity.
You know, I forget the Japanese.
Right. Right.
They don't realize that not everybody from the South wants to accept that Southern part of their identity.
There are plenty of Southern things about me.
For example, I lost my virginity in a double-eyed trailer.
Thanks. On an air mattress.
During the Iron Bowl.
To my cousin. Hell yeah.
It was my sister.
Did you guys believe that I'm single if I told you that?
All right. Yeah.
Dude, the worst part about that clip, which I didn't, I haven't told anybody yet, dude, is when I'm up there,
that lady in the green shirt in the front, it was either her or the lady on her left.
When I'm up there and I forget the joke, I'm like, I forgot the fucking joke.
And I look at my notes and she's like, you got this.
And I'm like, bitch, I know I got this shit.
The fuck are you talking about?
I'm going to hit you three, four times a week.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I got this. I've been had this shit.
This is part of the experience.
I hate white women, dude.
Always got something to say, bro.
Un-fucking-real.
Oh, shit.
That was soul crushing.
She's like, you got this.
And I was like, I fucking hope so, dude.
We'll see.
No, that's why I picked this clip, because you fucked up, which I don't have the skill yet.
You fucked up, got right back up.
Matter of fact, you got to laugh with the fuck up.
You have to play into it.
Yeah. And then you came back and crushed for the rest of your set.
Yeah. I mean, but when you fuck up, you have to acknowledge it.
Make it funny, dude, because otherwise it just destroys the illusion of stage presence.
Yeah. Like if you're like, oh, no, dude, it's like, fuck, I forgot because that's my genuine reaction.
I'm like, fuck, I've been practicing this shit.
It's three minutes of material. I can't fuck around.
I got to stop smoking, dude.
Fuck. My recalls are annihilated.
But yeah, and then I didn't even know my pocket was hanging out until I watched the video.
And the stage lights are so fucking bright at stand up live.
You can't see anything.
I look like that fucking freeze frame right there.
I look like Hiroshima. It just fucking exploded.
I'm saying 12 miles away.
I'm about to be a shadow on somebody's dojo.
Oh, shit.
Holy shit.
Brandon, please play the next one before I get in trouble.
God damn.
Play the next one. Oh, my goodness.
It just went hard, boy.
Damn.
That was tough.
I'm glad this wasn't the Alex episode.
Yeah, OK.
All right.
Three, two, one, go.
I like to hate things, too.
But I hate things that are important.
You know, like grown adults who chew with their mouth open?
Tighten up, man.
Tighten up.
Or, stuck up dogs?
Let me pet you.
I hate you.
I usually suck my shit off by telling you I'm black and suck some of the white.
Because, you know, I know you can get it.
That's the end of it.
I thought that was hilarious.
That you re- like re- because you do do that bit a lot.
Like, if you open up with it.
Oh, yeah.
The half black, half white joke.
I thought it was funny that you framed it like that in the middle of your shit.
Because I've seen you do that joke so many times.
You're just like, you say, uh, stuck up dog, you know, let me pet you.
And then the crowd laughs and you're like, yeah, I usually start my set in the middle of your shit.
In some sort of way.
I thought that was really fucking funny.
Yeah, because I get tired of, like, I didn't do the joke at Boxcar one night.
And then this white dude, Machine Gun Kelly-like type white.
You know, he thought he was good a little bit.
I've heard you use this analogy before.
Yeah, yeah, that's a good analogy.
There's a lane.
There's a lane for those type of whites.
But, uh, he was like, uh, he was like, you don't, I had to tell the joke about something.
He was like, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not gonna do that.
I had told a joke about something.
He was like, you don't look like a gangster.
He's like, what are you? Mexican.
He was like, he was wanting to know.
He's like, Mexican, half black, black.
He was like, he was like, hitting him with black.
But, uh, but yeah, so I now when I go up there, I have to say, I feel like I have to address it.
Because I hate doing the same jokes unless I'm on a show.
Then, you know, I'm doing my best.
But like, if I'm on an open mic, I don't like doing the same jokes.
So I was trying to word it a different way.
What I say I look like, I was like, yeah, I know it can be confusing.
Because with this hair, I look like I got a little bit of a beard.
But it can be confusing because with this hair, I look like I can dance reggaeton.
Or, uh, I sell cigarettes at an off-brand gas station.
Oh, yeah, that was funny.
My favorite, the tag of like that joke is, uh, I look like I either own the gas station or I'm gonna rob it.
Yeah, that's a way to answer.
So true.
I like the letter P, too, when you be like, I look like the letter P.
That's good.
I appreciate it. Yeah, I'm trying to work on.
Now, when I'm going out to open mics, all new shit.
I'm not, I mean, unless, unless we get a little crowd, I'll hit you with something.
You know, we gotta start coming out.
Yeah, the, uh, the Speakeasy mic's probably the best open mic in town right now.
Because there's genuinely people there to see comedy that don't go out to the other mics.
You know, it's like a real crowd.
And it's like people are just there anyway.
You know, in campus 805, and then they can just filter in.
And it's always a good crowd.
Oh, yeah.
And if you're like, I'm gonna go out and somebody was doing a free comedy show.
I mean, obviously, I'd probably be on the fucking, I'd be doing the mic.
But if I was somewhere else and I wasn't in the comedy, they're doing a fucking open mic.
Yeah, I'll watch.
There's a chance somebody says something crazy.
They get fucked up.
It's like hockey.
Oh, yeah, exactly.
If you want to see that, go to the Boxcar, because there's no rules.
Now, we should probably tell them like with each mic, Boxcar on Sundays.
Boxcar is like the fucking drunk uncle of the open mic scene in comedy.
You can say anything to him and he might agree with it or he might fucking hit you upside the head.
You know, it could go either way.
And then Cannabar. I like Cannabar.
Yeah, Cannabar is good.
Cannabar is like a stoner mic.
Everybody's fucking high.
Dante has given some legendary performances at the Cannabar, dude.
Wait till you guys meet Dante.
That's where the weed song originated.
Shout out Dante Huff.
Shout out Dante's weed song.
Dante's on the veteran show, Fourth of July and December, produced by Carson Elmore.
You'll see it at the Cannabar.
Hell yeah. Come on down. I'm on there too.
We got Dan Price, Ty Funny, Raina.
Who else is on there?
It was Andy.
And Ash.
Yeah, it should be a good show.
Hell yeah.
Come see me December 7th at the Silver Dollar Comedy Open Mic.
Hell yeah, he's hosting.
It's going to be a good one because he's going to have roasts for everybody.
I'm already planning on it.
I'll just write something for everybody, see who the fuck shows up, dude.
It's going to be a good one too.
That's the one most people come to.
Yeah, but I do have to do Jonathan's job, which Jonathan does a lot in terms of promoting.
I have to go grab people and seat them and shit.
I have to be like a real fucking host, dude.
That's good practice.
You're going to be a host one day, man.
I can't wait to see it because I missed the time you hosted on last week.
That one was easier though because it's a show and some people are doing 10, 15 minutes and Jonathan does 30.
The funniest part about when I hosted that was at the very end when Jonathan finished his set and said,
I'm going to bring him back up your host, I was like, I got to go up there again.
He was walking on the stage, I was like, what the fuck do I say?
I don't know what to say.
He's like, oh, the tip jar and thank you for coming out and everything.
I went up there and he brings a hat, like an old school bowling hat.
He gave it to me and I went up there and I'm like, all right, I'm about to beg you all for money now.
Just held it out, nobody left.
I was like, thanks for coming.
I love you a lot.