1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,120
Hey there folks, welcome to episode 18 of a pebble in a pond podcast

2
00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:07,760
Now I'm not gonna lie

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:11,760
This will be the fourth time that I've tried recording this podcast

4
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:16,760
And I'll make a video and put it on tick-tock to explain this there as well

5
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:21,680
But I wanted to make sure that everybody that didn't hear it there heard it here

6
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:25,920
The reason for the delay and the reason for this

7
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:29,640
This episode taking me longer than I normally would is

8
00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:36,260
Kind of a complex one and we're gonna get into it a little bit more deeply because it became

9
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,200
Really something that I had to talk about

10
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:42,320
But

11
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,320
For now, let me say this

12
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:50,000
The episode was done in time and was being uploaded

13
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:57,400
During the process of the upload I lost my internet connectivity

14
00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,880
they're they're laying fiber in my area and so

15
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:06,600
For whatever reason it just happened that at that time our internet went down

16
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:11,640
it was down for I don't know probably for four or five hours and

17
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:18,060
It was overnight so I had started the upload and had planned on

18
00:01:18,060 --> 00:01:22,260
Finishing it up and doing the final touches in the morning

19
00:01:22,460 --> 00:01:26,720
So I had started it and that went out and when I came back to try to load it again

20
00:01:27,580 --> 00:01:31,100
There had been some sort of corruption of the file. So

21
00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:38,500
Me being who I am. I hadn't made a backup. I hadn't really thought about it because I've never had a problem with it. So I

22
00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:43,220
Lost the entire episode

23
00:01:43,220 --> 00:01:48,740
And it was pretty demoralizing because I you know, I the past few episodes before that I had been pretty late

24
00:01:49,380 --> 00:01:52,220
But by a few days to get the episode out and this one

25
00:01:52,220 --> 00:01:59,100
I had made a concerted effort to get out on time and I had just missed the mark because of technical issues essentially

26
00:01:59,460 --> 00:02:03,420
so I I was pretty frustrated and I

27
00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:07,100
Decided that I was gonna just take a day since it was already gonna be late

28
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:09,500
I was gonna take a day and just let it go and

29
00:02:10,180 --> 00:02:12,180
Then I would come back and rerecord it

30
00:02:12,180 --> 00:02:14,180
well, the problem with that is that I

31
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:21,600
Came back to rerecord it and I I just couldn't do it. I just could not get

32
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,000
Into this the right mindset

33
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:31,360
Now let me be really clear, you know, this episode is about anger and

34
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:37,740
this is a topic that I felt very comfortable making an entire podcast about because

35
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:42,500
Anger is something that I have lived with for a good portion of my life

36
00:02:44,180 --> 00:02:47,740
It is something that I have learned to manage it is something that I've learned to

37
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:51,920
Essentially take in as a part of my everyday existence

38
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:57,900
My my children are are angry as well

39
00:02:59,140 --> 00:03:03,420
We have learned they have learned through me and and and I learned

40
00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:06,540
Really just through life

41
00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:13,540
That anger isn't always a bad thing and that I could focus it I could I could channel it in a way and

42
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,300
so

43
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:21,820
It was striking to me when I sat down to record this episode for the second time

44
00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:28,540
That I wasn't able to really talk about it effectively. I had a difficult time. I finished it and

45
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:35,300
I didn't I didn't feel great about it. And so I went back and I listened. Normally I'm not doing that anymore

46
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:40,500
I'm not going back and listening. I'm I'm just kind of recording and if I feel good, I put it out

47
00:03:41,540 --> 00:03:42,780
and

48
00:03:42,780 --> 00:03:47,100
The reason for that is as I've said before is the whole point would be to be able to do this live

49
00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:49,940
that would be the the the goal is to

50
00:03:50,420 --> 00:03:53,460
To record live so that people can watch me do it live

51
00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:56,180
Maybe I can have some interaction that way

52
00:03:56,380 --> 00:03:57,660
but

53
00:03:57,660 --> 00:04:02,260
I'm just not comfortable with that yet since this is really I'm still learning this all so

54
00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:06,140
So I went back and I listened to the episode this was the second try and

55
00:04:06,460 --> 00:04:09,340
I just was not at all happy with it. I

56
00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:13,940
Didn't feel like I could really capture it at all. I didn't feel like I had

57
00:04:14,860 --> 00:04:16,860
Conveyed the ideas that I wanted to convey

58
00:04:17,820 --> 00:04:19,820
so I took another day and

59
00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:23,340
Probably a day and a half and I just kind of

60
00:04:23,980 --> 00:04:28,500
You know sat back and tried to think about it a little bit tried to do a little bit more reading

61
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:33,980
I couldn't really I was I was I was frustrated, but I was I was more puzzled at this point in time

62
00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:40,580
So I was just trying to kind of find answers within myself. I took some time to you know, just lay down

63
00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:45,380
I sat and I meditated I did all these things that I've been doing and

64
00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:51,580
I just couldn't I couldn't figure it out. And so I was like, well, I gotta get this episode out

65
00:04:51,580 --> 00:04:55,580
So I sat down and I went to go record it again

66
00:04:55,580 --> 00:04:57,580
and when I did I

67
00:04:57,940 --> 00:05:01,380
Couldn't do it. I just I could not get the

68
00:05:01,940 --> 00:05:05,540
The episode that I had in my head going into it

69
00:05:05,540 --> 00:05:09,140
I just could not get it to come out the way I wanted it to and

70
00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:12,780
I was I was genuinely like

71
00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:18,580
Like nervous at that point in time like I wasn't just puzzling. It was like what what has happened to me?

72
00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:21,300
I can't talk like I'm not able to talk about this

73
00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:24,980
This topic the way that I had I had intended to

74
00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:30,740
and so then I had to take some time and I did I took a few days and I I

75
00:05:31,740 --> 00:05:36,940
I really had to kind of go into the tank and really try to figure this out and and this is what I've come up with

76
00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:45,980
As many of you know, I I had an emotional breakdown back in October of 2023 and

77
00:05:45,980 --> 00:05:51,260
so it was six months ago and I was I

78
00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:54,860
was in a really really bad place and

79
00:05:56,060 --> 00:06:00,900
When I came out of that bad place, I had an entirely different

80
00:06:01,780 --> 00:06:03,780
emotional

81
00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:09,660
Base I guess you could say I was not operating from the same place that I had been before

82
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:17,660
The depression that had consumed so much of my life and had kind of overwhelmed me and had been speaking for me for

83
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,420
years at that point in time

84
00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:28,300
No longer had the same control over me. It no longer had the same power over me and because of that I

85
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:32,780
Just I don't know. I guess I guess you could say

86
00:06:32,780 --> 00:06:38,300
And this is the way that I have said it already. I'm just not

87
00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:43,420
I'm just not feeling it the way that I used to emotions are not hitting me the way they used to not now

88
00:06:43,420 --> 00:06:45,420
Not all emotions are that way

89
00:06:45,660 --> 00:06:49,740
but the more that I sat and the more I thought about it the more I realized that I

90
00:06:50,460 --> 00:06:52,460
haven't really been angry I

91
00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:55,260
haven't truly been angry and

92
00:06:56,180 --> 00:06:58,180
I

93
00:06:58,180 --> 00:07:03,460
Haven't truly been angry in almost six months. Well really

94
00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:11,940
Yeah, I mean, I've been I've been excited. I've been disappointed. I've been frustrated. I've been

95
00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:15,540
Sad I've been really sad a lot

96
00:07:16,660 --> 00:07:19,940
I have been I've felt my feelings get hurt

97
00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:23,860
I've I've experienced

98
00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:25,540
You know

99
00:07:25,540 --> 00:07:28,260
The full range of emotions I've felt

100
00:07:28,820 --> 00:07:31,140
You know true wonderful love

101
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:36,500
from so many different people and in so many different ways and I've

102
00:07:37,620 --> 00:07:39,620
I've really found

103
00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:42,260
Happy

104
00:07:42,260 --> 00:07:48,660
Like a happiness, I guess you could say that I really didn't even know I I could experience

105
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:53,220
In a way that that I I never I never

106
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:56,420
Expected it. I never I never really knew that this was possible for me

107
00:07:57,220 --> 00:08:02,020
but in in all of these changes and in all of the ways that I've kind of I

108
00:08:02,580 --> 00:08:03,620
guess

109
00:08:03,620 --> 00:08:05,620
morphed my worldview

110
00:08:06,740 --> 00:08:11,220
The one I certainly was not expecting and the one that has been

111
00:08:12,420 --> 00:08:16,260
Really eye-opening to kind of realize is that I

112
00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:18,980
Haven't really been angry. I

113
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:20,340
haven't

114
00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:25,060
I haven't lost my temper. I haven't I haven't been out of control

115
00:08:26,420 --> 00:08:28,420
but once

116
00:08:28,580 --> 00:08:30,580
one time

117
00:08:30,580 --> 00:08:31,620
and

118
00:08:31,620 --> 00:08:38,100
Since October of 2023 have I been angry and in that moment when I was

119
00:08:38,660 --> 00:08:40,660
my most angry

120
00:08:41,140 --> 00:08:43,780
Probably that I've been in

121
00:08:45,140 --> 00:08:47,140
20 years

122
00:08:47,140 --> 00:08:54,660
20 years I think that that changed everything in me now. I'm going to go into what happened

123
00:08:55,220 --> 00:08:56,500
It's going to be uncomfortable

124
00:08:56,500 --> 00:09:01,380
But I'm going to I'm going to talk about it and I'm not going to give all the details because I plan on telling this story

125
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:06,740
In its entirety at another time. So I'll just give some you know, some little details

126
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:09,780
in this episode

127
00:09:09,780 --> 00:09:11,460
but uh

128
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,460
I have told the story on

129
00:09:13,460 --> 00:09:17,140
My tik tok channel in pieces because I couldn't tell the whole thing at once

130
00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:21,940
But I'll try to tell the whole story here and give everybody an exact

131
00:09:23,060 --> 00:09:28,340
Point at which I think I just lost my ability to really truly feel anger at least

132
00:09:29,540 --> 00:09:34,180
I don't think that I can feel anger anymore unless it is in defense

133
00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:37,460
of somebody or something

134
00:09:38,020 --> 00:09:40,020
And I don't know maybe i'm just completely wrong

135
00:09:40,020 --> 00:09:47,700
I i'd have to find a situation where I can feel that again, but to go from feeling anger every single day of my life

136
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:52,740
To go from it being a driving force to be really an energy source for me

137
00:09:53,940 --> 00:09:58,660
to all of a sudden being completely disconnected from it as an emotion to being

138
00:09:59,780 --> 00:10:01,780
It almost being foreign to me

139
00:10:02,660 --> 00:10:04,340
It is a really

140
00:10:04,340 --> 00:10:06,340
really strange

141
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:11,080
uh realization to make and one that i'm not entirely sure i'm comfortable with

142
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:16,680
So hopefully we can get into it here a little bit in this episode and I know that this this

143
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:23,000
This intro piece is already 10 minutes long. So i'm gonna cut this off now. We're gonna listen to the song

144
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,440
And we're gonna go ahead and uh get into

145
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:28,760
episode 18

146
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:36,760
anger

147
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:10,680
So anger that's uh, it's a pretty easy one right like everybody pretty much knows what it is

148
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:13,640
I don't need to describe it or go into it too deeply, right?

149
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,440
everybody everybody's

150
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,840
able to uh

151
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,280
reach their own

152
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,960
No, okay. Well, uh the dictionary definition of anger

153
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,100
is a strong feeling of displeasure

154
00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:29,100
and usually of antagonism

155
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,940
It could also mean

156
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:35,420
a

157
00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:38,540
threatening or violent appearance or state

158
00:11:39,660 --> 00:11:42,060
strong feeling of displeasure

159
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:45,420
You know, I don't feel I think this is one of those times where

160
00:11:45,980 --> 00:11:50,140
the dictionary definition of something it just falls so

161
00:11:50,940 --> 00:11:54,140
drastically short of the actual feeling

162
00:11:54,140 --> 00:11:56,620
That it's it's it's almost maddening

163
00:11:57,340 --> 00:12:02,780
It makes it it almost makes you angry to read the dictionary definition of anger

164
00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:11,980
Because those of us that know anger that feel anger that for the lack of better word kind of have lived in anger

165
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:18,060
We know that it is way more than just a strong feeling of displeasure

166
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:21,340
Right, like we know we understand

167
00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:28,700
It can be all encompassing it can be overwhelming it can take control of every aspect of you

168
00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:31,260
emotionally mentally

169
00:12:31,260 --> 00:12:34,140
And even physically in the worst case scenarios

170
00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:36,860
So it's important that we understand

171
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:39,660
Just how powerful of a force this is

172
00:12:40,540 --> 00:12:44,860
There are there are emotions the that humans have that

173
00:12:46,060 --> 00:12:49,740
Some would call prime emotions now. This is not a

174
00:12:49,740 --> 00:12:54,860
Emotions now. This is not necessarily something that is thrown around too often

175
00:12:56,140 --> 00:13:02,540
But this is something that i've read a little bit about and i'm finding that I kind of I kind of tend to believe it

176
00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:08,860
There are certain emotions love obviously is a prime emotion

177
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:13,660
Um anger in my opinion is a prime emotion

178
00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:17,100
These are the emotions that that can

179
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:19,340
For lack of a better word drive you

180
00:13:20,140 --> 00:13:22,620
Entirely these are the emotions that

181
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:28,620
All of that can literally nudge all of the emotions other emotions that you may feel out of the way

182
00:13:28,860 --> 00:13:33,340
And just take over your body take over your mind take over everything for you

183
00:13:34,220 --> 00:13:37,420
Now what's interesting about that is and this is

184
00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:39,660
This is a great uh

185
00:13:39,660 --> 00:13:42,700
Lead in to when I do an episode on love

186
00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:50,220
Um love is really one of two positive emotions, but there are multiple negative emotions jealousy

187
00:13:51,260 --> 00:13:53,980
Jealousy is a big big one

188
00:13:54,860 --> 00:13:57,420
Jealousy can can corrupt you quickly

189
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:06,460
Anger that's that's the jealousy and anger now some people would say well jealousy leads to anger but jealousy leads to a lot more than just anger

190
00:14:07,660 --> 00:14:09,660
It's a prime emotion

191
00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:15,420
Um there is sadness sorrow

192
00:14:16,620 --> 00:14:23,180
But you know i'm not really doing there's another word that I i'm not really thinking of right now that's deeper than that

193
00:14:24,220 --> 00:14:29,660
a malaise that is that is um so deep and so

194
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:35,260
Like soul crushing to a certain degree

195
00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:38,860
That that's all you can feel is sadness

196
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,980
And the one that really kind of trumps all of them

197
00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:50,700
Which I guess let's let's let's talk about the other happy one which is happiness, right? That's the other good one

198
00:14:51,180 --> 00:14:53,900
We have we people feel happy and it can really

199
00:14:54,460 --> 00:15:00,140
Control your body it can it can take over every part of you and it can make you it can lift you up and it can make you feel

200
00:15:00,380 --> 00:15:02,380
Things that you can't control

201
00:15:02,380 --> 00:15:05,500
And it can make you it can lift you up and it can make you feel things that you

202
00:15:06,220 --> 00:15:11,020
You know don't normally feel now. Once again. This is another one where happiness is often tied to love

203
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:14,380
Well, if you're in love you and then you're happy, but you don't have to be in love to be happy

204
00:15:15,020 --> 00:15:18,300
That's a that's a very you know common fallacy

205
00:15:19,660 --> 00:15:22,940
but more so than anger or um

206
00:15:23,740 --> 00:15:25,740
or sadness or

207
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,860
Happiness or love

208
00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:36,620
The the one that drives all of those to a certain degree or that has control over all of those the prime emotion as a human

209
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:39,180
is fear

210
00:15:39,180 --> 00:15:41,180
and it's something that

211
00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:46,540
At some point in time, we're going to do this episode. We're going to do the episode about fear

212
00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:48,940
And when we do

213
00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:52,540
I think that many of you are going to come out of that episode

214
00:15:53,340 --> 00:15:55,340
And with what I have to say about it

215
00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:57,660
feeling

216
00:15:57,660 --> 00:15:58,780
better

217
00:15:58,780 --> 00:16:00,780
Than you did going into it

218
00:16:01,180 --> 00:16:03,180
And I I say this now

219
00:16:03,740 --> 00:16:05,740
There is no shame

220
00:16:05,740 --> 00:16:07,420
in fear

221
00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:10,220
It is one of the strongest forces on this planet

222
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:13,100
It is one of the things that has

223
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:16,300
literally

224
00:16:16,460 --> 00:16:22,140
Moved history in the direction that it has been moving for as long as we've been able to feel fear

225
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,940
It is a primal

226
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:29,180
Uh emotion it is what drives us as animals

227
00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:31,020
um

228
00:16:31,020 --> 00:16:36,780
And it is so important to understand but this episode isn't about fear. This episode is about anger

229
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:38,460
so

230
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:42,700
I wanted to make sure that I I talked about these kind of prime emotions because

231
00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:48,780
They really are kind of the driving force behind things and once you understand that these kind of emotions can

232
00:16:49,420 --> 00:16:53,900
Take over your body take over your responses take over the way your way of thinking

233
00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,900
it does really

234
00:16:57,020 --> 00:16:59,980
Put you in a position to understand just how powerful they are

235
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:04,460
I want to be clear though about this list of prime emotions

236
00:17:05,180 --> 00:17:10,060
love is actually not considered by some psychologists to be on that list and

237
00:17:10,620 --> 00:17:14,700
I just think that's an oversight because I know from personal experience that

238
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:16,700
love

239
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:18,700
while being complex is

240
00:17:19,260 --> 00:17:21,260
one of these emotions that

241
00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:29,660
Is all encompassing and I think that those that would take it off of a list of a prime emotion of prime emotions

242
00:17:30,220 --> 00:17:31,260
um

243
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:33,260
Perhaps don't truly understand it

244
00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:38,300
they they they tried to intellectualize it instead of feel it and

245
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:44,780
When you feel love, especially the way that I have felt love over the past few months

246
00:17:45,740 --> 00:17:47,500
um

247
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:55,260
It changes everything it changes it changes everything in your life in a way that

248
00:17:56,460 --> 00:18:01,820
You really don't even feel like you necessarily control anything anymore. You just let that love

249
00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:06,220
That's coming into you and that's coming out of you control

250
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:11,340
So much of your life and sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes that's a bad thing

251
00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:12,860
but

252
00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:18,780
It does it truly does control you and it makes you do things that maybe you wouldn't normally do

253
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:20,540
but

254
00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:24,300
You just cross your fingers you say i'm doing it out of love

255
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:28,860
And hope the hope that it's for the best. That's all you really can do

256
00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:34,700
Now i'm not going to lie about this everybody knows if you've listened to any episode of the podcast

257
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:37,660
That I love to use quotes

258
00:18:38,540 --> 00:18:40,540
the problem with

259
00:18:40,540 --> 00:18:43,500
using quotes for anger is that

260
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:46,300
There's just too many

261
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:50,300
There's like every single person that has ever existed has a quote about anger

262
00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:53,260
And so I I had a hard time

263
00:18:54,940 --> 00:18:56,620
Boiling down

264
00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:59,100
to like any that that necessarily

265
00:19:00,380 --> 00:19:04,300
were representative in my mind of what anger really was because

266
00:19:05,260 --> 00:19:07,260
it just seems like

267
00:19:07,260 --> 00:19:13,100
There's just so many different takes on it. So i'm gonna i'm gonna approach it from this point of view

268
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,420
And I want to make sure this is clear

269
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:21,180
I'm gonna talk about this in this episode. I'm gonna talk about the fact that anger isn't always a bad thing

270
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:29,420
But it's really hard to capture that in quotes because almost every single person that has ever quoted about anger talks about it being a bad thing

271
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:34,860
So it may seem like i'm being a little contradictory with these quotes and I wanted to make sure that was clear

272
00:19:35,420 --> 00:19:36,860
but

273
00:19:36,860 --> 00:19:38,620
I I feel like

274
00:19:38,620 --> 00:19:42,780
because of my experience and because of my understanding of it that um

275
00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:45,420
I

276
00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:49,980
I don't know. Maybe I hate to say i'm going against some of the greatest minds to have ever existed

277
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:52,380
but I just don't feel like maybe they really

278
00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:59,020
They really understood what it meant to live with anger as as a force in your life

279
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:02,140
They look at it anger and they see it as

280
00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:07,600
as fleeting they see it as a moment and they they tried to live their life

281
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:13,840
In a way that I think that and you know, many of us are generation xers

282
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,280
Um, I I don't think that they really understand

283
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,320
anger in the way that we do and um

284
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,520
You know, there's a reason why

285
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,520
Generation x was called angsty

286
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:32,720
There's a reason why a lot of our music was angry and filled with

287
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,520
disgust towards things that

288
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:39,360
you know the world that we were essentially being handed and

289
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:44,160
Uh, the anger of our generation shows up time and time again

290
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,960
And it shows up even now in the way that we have kind of stayed out of a lot of situations

291
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,960
and we've stayed away from a lot of the bullshit that happens in the real world

292
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,400
But I digress

293
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,680
Let me give you the first quote of the episode

294
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,560
Marcus Aurelius once said

295
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:08,000
How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it?

296
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:15,520
I think that this is a great quote because it does kind of paint the picture that a lot of people

297
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:21,680
Some people well, I wouldn't say a lot of people I have read many people with this with the take of this

298
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:28,960
Anger is one of these things that um, it it it can be defining for a person

299
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:30,320
but

300
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,120
More often than not

301
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:36,720
Is kind of a magnifying glass for people

302
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:38,720
you

303
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,200
Oftentimes people that are angry

304
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:45,040
Will will show themselves in a way that

305
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:47,760
um

306
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:52,160
It's like it's almost like when you get somebody and you get them drunk, right?

307
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,560
Like they get they get they start to get tipsy

308
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,680
And you start to see a little bit more of them of who they really are

309
00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:00,720
Because you know the walls come down and they start to behave the way they are

310
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:05,120
And there are people out there that are fun drunks and there's people out there that are sad drunks

311
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:07,120
And there's people out there that are violent drunks

312
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,680
And you know every different kind

313
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:11,440
But

314
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:14,560
Anger kind of works that same way now, obviously people

315
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:18,960
Aren't really they're not really fun angry, but um

316
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:24,960
When somebody starts to get angry, you can really start to see who they are at a level that

317
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,000
Really nothing else does

318
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:34,400
I was once told and and I I do believe this that you never really know yourself until you get into a fight

319
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:40,000
Like an actual fist fight. You never really know what you're capable of. You really don't know what you're you know who you are

320
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:46,960
But but adjacent to that is you never really know who you are until you've been so angry

321
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,960
That you weren't sure if you were in control anymore

322
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:53,760
And then what did you do?

323
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:57,360
Now there are people out there that you know, everybody responds to anger a different way

324
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:02,400
But usually the way that you respond when you're at your angriest is a good

325
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:06,080
Indicator of who you are deep inside

326
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:11,520
There are people that get angry and they just you know, they they start to clench their fists and their jaws and they're

327
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:12,160
You know

328
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:15,760
They kind of keep it to themselves there are people who get angry and they start to scream and they start to

329
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,800
Carry on and they look to blame other people for their anger

330
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:25,440
There's people that just get angry and start punching holes and walls and you know breaking stuff and throwing tantrums

331
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,920
And there are people that just stand there

332
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,160
They stand there

333
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,160
quiet

334
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,160
calm

335
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,160
You wouldn't know they were angry

336
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:41,680
Unless you heard it the the quiver in their voice when they talked about it

337
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:45,680
You wouldn't know that there was a seething

338
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,680
Going on under their skin. You would never ever know

339
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,880
And at any point in time

340
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:58,160
Somebody's reaction to this emotion is such that you really do get a good handle on

341
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,560
You know, not just them but

342
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,600
Maybe some of their unresolved traumas some of their

343
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:09,120
You know some of their past like how they handle anger is a really really good indicator

344
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:14,320
And I hate to get too therapy-ish here, but it's a really good indicator of

345
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:20,000
You know the the things that they've gone through in their life and how they've been taught to handle anger

346
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,480
And once again anger is a primal emotion. It's something that everybody will

347
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,120
feel and

348
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,840
They'll feel it when they're angry

349
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,640
They'll feel it whether they've been taught how to handle it or not

350
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,360
but it's

351
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:37,520
It's telling sometimes

352
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,120
Now i'm going to just give you a piece of advice here as part of this

353
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,520
All of those different ways of

354
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,640
You know exhibiting anger

355
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,080
are

356
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:51,280
natural

357
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:52,720
and

358
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:59,040
Understandable to a certain degree. They're not all good, you know breaking shit and throwing things around and hurting people

359
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,520
These are not acceptable ways of handling anger

360
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:05,200
And if you're somebody that does those things then you need to figure out

361
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,280
You know how to manage your shit and and we'll talk about that for a moment

362
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:16,720
But if you are in the presence of or you are one of these people

363
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:20,080
If you are one of the ones that just sit there

364
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,320
resigned

365
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:23,680
quiet

366
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:31,200
And just allow yourself to sit in your anger and you don't lash out and you don't hurt others and you don't say things

367
00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:37,680
Those are the people that you need to stay the fuck away from when they're angry

368
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:41,200
Those are the people that you do not want to piss off

369
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,680
Those are the people

370
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:49,280
That are the most dangerous and I don't mean that in like a you know, there's some sort of psycho killer type thing

371
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:50,800
I mean that in the

372
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:52,800
these are the people who

373
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,800
Will process the emotion

374
00:25:55,120 --> 00:26:01,120
But does not let that emotion control them. There are times when I am in this mind state mindset

375
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:03,600
I I it doesn't happen as often as I

376
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,880
Would like

377
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:10,480
And really honestly, it hasn't happened. I'm not in that mindset anymore

378
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,200
But for a good portion of my life, that's how I was

379
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:19,520
I would just be so angry all the time and people would kind of pick up on it

380
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:24,640
But it wasn't you know, you'd have to know me to know how angry I really was a lot of people

381
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:30,240
Would never know because I had the ability to kind of smile through my anger. I had the ability to kind of

382
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,960
You know make people believe that I wasn't angry but the people that knew me they knew

383
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:39,840
And they knew not to fuck with me. They knew that you know at any point in time

384
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,200
That quiet reserved

385
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,000
kind of constantly

386
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:49,680
Bubbling anger could explode they knew that

387
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:55,360
I you know, I I was a powder keg and they they understood to

388
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,320
uh tread lightly

389
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:00,960
And that's why I say, you know, you need to be

390
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,680
You need to be wary of these folks

391
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,480
Because as somebody who's been one of those folks

392
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:08,720
We

393
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,960
Are not handling our anchor in the best way

394
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:14,320
It seems like we are it seems like we're just

395
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,800
You know, we're good, but we are not

396
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:24,240
We we are not good and it is not productive and it is not necessarily the best way to do it

397
00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:29,840
Anger is something that needs to be released in a in a healthy way

398
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,960
it's some it's a it's an emotion that comes and

399
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:37,200
It needs to have a way of getting out of you and if you just

400
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:40,560
Stuff it down or if you just let it boil

401
00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:44,560
The pressure that builds up that stress that builds up it will explode

402
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:48,800
And you're going to hurt somebody you're going to hurt something you're going to hurt yourself

403
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:51,920
You're going to make horrible horrible life decisions

404
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,840
While you're angry and it's so important to remember that

405
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:03,680
So when marcus aurelia says how much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it

406
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,720
That's what he's talking about

407
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:12,880
The cause of your anger is almost never as bad as what you are going to do

408
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:15,680
When you're angry

409
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,640
The damage you cause the things you say

410
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,120
Sometimes they can't be taken back. Sometimes you won't be able to fix it

411
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:28,160
So it's really important to understand that when you let your anger control you

412
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:30,720
When you let your anger

413
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:32,720
Be the driving force in your life

414
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:36,480
You will regret it you will live with regret

415
00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:40,080
And we already have an episode on regret so you can go back and listen to that

416
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:47,760
So moving on we're going to go right into another quote and this is maybe one of the more famous quotes on anger

417
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:50,960
It's one that i've read over and over and over again

418
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:55,760
It's one that i've been seeing my entire life and this is a quote by aristotle rightfully so

419
00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:57,760
He said

420
00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:03,840
Anybody can become angry that is easy but to be angry with the right person

421
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:10,400
To the right degree at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way

422
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:16,080
That is not within everybody's power and is not easy

423
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:21,440
Now the reason I wanted to use that quote is because i'm going to sit here and i'm going to tell you about this

424
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,440
The story of my life

425
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:30,480
The last time I was angry and I kind of failed the aristotle test i'm not going to lie to you

426
00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:34,480
So let me get into it and I want to preface this by saying

427
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:40,960
There is much much more to this story as I said in the in the intro piece there's much much more

428
00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:45,600
I'm just giving a snippet of it. I will give a little bit of context here

429
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,120
Just so that it's easier to understand

430
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:52,800
but for the the just

431
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:58,000
For now i'm going to leave it a little i'm not going to fill in all the blanks. Let's put it that way

432
00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:00,800
We're going to stay a little ambiguous

433
00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:03,600
so

434
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:08,640
As I said in october, I had a situation where I had reached

435
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:13,200
The end I was done. I was ready to check out. I was ready to

436
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:18,560
shuffle off this mortal coil and um I

437
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:23,280
The reason for that sudden and steep decline into

438
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:26,720
ultimate depression and

439
00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:32,080
Really to a certain degree a level of madness. Um came from

440
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:34,880
a

441
00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:36,880
I guess you could say some revelations

442
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,040
That the ultimate depression was

443
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:43,600
the I guess you could say some revelations that um

444
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:50,240
I had I had attained from somebody who was very important to me. This is a friend that I've talked about over and over again

445
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:54,800
On tiktok most people that follow me on tiktok don't even want to hear about her anymore

446
00:30:55,680 --> 00:31:01,440
Because i've talked so much about her. This is someone who at this point in time is really not no longer in my life

447
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:07,040
I still try to reach out to her. I still try to get her to talk to me. It does not work

448
00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:09,040
but I make the attempt

449
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:11,680
The reason I make the attempt is because

450
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:14,160
in the past

451
00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:20,400
we we were in a relationship of sorts for 16 years and um

452
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:24,000
This october moment um

453
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,560
Was a situation where I had found out that she had been lying to me

454
00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:33,360
about many many many things for about 15 of those 16 years

455
00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,240
and

456
00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:40,160
It broke me it broke me because this is someone who was

457
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:44,880
I mean as close to me and as important to me as as it as it can get

458
00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:49,840
and somebody who I relied on and I believed in and I trusted

459
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:52,800
with so much of my life

460
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:54,800
someone that I

461
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:56,160
I genuinely

462
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,240
truly cared for very deeply

463
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:05,760
and uh to know that they were capable of that kind of deception and those kind of lies

464
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:09,520
Hurt me in a way that really very few people ever can

465
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:17,520
or could have um and you know, i'm somebody who's been in multiple fights and multiple scrapes and multiple

466
00:32:18,940 --> 00:32:21,680
Situations where people have wanted genuinely to hurt me

467
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:28,400
So it's kind of funny that the person that I care the most about is the one that does the most damage

468
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:32,400
at any rate that was in october and um

469
00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:36,080
That was kind of the end of our

470
00:32:37,180 --> 00:32:40,480
uh amicable friendship you could say through

471
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:47,440
most of november basically leading up until thanksgiving, um her and I would have

472
00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:53,120
A few other meetings with each other to try to work things out to try to understand how things had happened

473
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:55,120
and

474
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:56,240
in that

475
00:32:56,240 --> 00:33:00,480
Uh, some things had come to light and some you know, there were some some things said

476
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:02,880
some pretty hurtful things

477
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:04,320
but um

478
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:06,320
at the end of the day, uh

479
00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:10,800
Really it was I think it was november 22nd. I'm not entirely sure of the date but um

480
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:15,840
I think it was the yeah, because I think the I think thanksgiving was the 24th

481
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:20,240
So it could be the 23rd. I'm not sure anyway, um, it was the day before

482
00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:28,000
It was the day before the day before thanksgiving her and I had gone for a long walk and we had uh

483
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,240
talked about the idea of giving

484
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:32,800
ourselves

485
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:34,800
uh this extended period of time

486
00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:37,600
where we would give

487
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:44,000
We would we would make a genuine attempt at reconciliation and understanding not in the not necessarily to

488
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:47,520
You know bring our friendship back together or whatever our relationship was

489
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:50,160
um, but in an attempt to

490
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:51,920
Really kind of

491
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:58,000
Give ourselves time to unravel the lives that we had built together because we had been together for 16 years

492
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,880
And this was this was more than just your average everyday friendship

493
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,960
So it was you know, we this was somebody that I saw every day of my life

494
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,800
This is somebody who knew my children very well

495
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:11,120
This is somebody who had been integral in the the building of my business and you know

496
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:15,680
there our lives were intertwined in a way that um, you know, they become

497
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:22,320
And so it was going to take time for that that kind of unraveled. There were a lot of financial concerns

498
00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,320
There were a lot of there's a lot in play

499
00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:26,720
and so I

500
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:31,120
Being the one that had basically been betrayed and being the one that had been

501
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:36,400
You know, all of this had been dropped in my lap. I was still reeling from the emotion of it all

502
00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:42,320
I I hadn't I wasn't ready for this. I didn't know this was coming and um

503
00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:47,280
She had basically dropped it all in my lap and then said, you know, that's it. We're done. We're not doing anything

504
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:49,280
We're not friends anymore

505
00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:51,280
and I

506
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:56,400
You know, she basically for lack of better word she broke up with me and uh

507
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,360
so I

508
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,920
was dealing with both of those things at once and

509
00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:04,880
recognizing that and understanding that

510
00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:09,040
I was going to have to go through this betrayal trauma while at the same time

511
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:12,720
Dealing with not having this person in my life anymore

512
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:15,360
I basically appealed to

513
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:19,200
her sense of decency, I guess which I don't know

514
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:21,200
Maybe that was not the best way to go about it

515
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:25,520
But we went for this walk and I I put forward the idea that we

516
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:29,840
Give each other three months. We don't have to you know, talk all the time or anything like that

517
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:32,800
But we try to we try to see each other. We try to spend time together

518
00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:34,800
We try to give each other time

519
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:40,000
And with as much compassion and grace and love we can conjure

520
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,040
We would try to give each other this time to be

521
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:46,400
you know to to to un-pair to

522
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:51,120
Break each other apart in a in a in a less hurtful way

523
00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:56,160
So that as we moved into our lives we could into our next phase of our lives, I should say

524
00:35:56,160 --> 00:36:02,320
We could do it wishing each other well and having you know that warmth that you'd like to have in your heart

525
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:05,440
For somebody that you'd spent so much of your time with so much of your life with

526
00:36:06,720 --> 00:36:12,800
I was I was idealistic and I was hoping that that idealism would be enough

527
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:18,560
She wasn't excited about the idea but after talking and

528
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:23,520
Her saying some things that were wholly devastating to me truly

529
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:26,640
Which I won't go into that right now

530
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:33,440
We we drove back and I was getting ready to get out of the car and

531
00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:39,680
She said okay three months. That's what she said. We'll agree on three months and I said, okay, so

532
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:43,120
Understanding that

533
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,920
The idea was for those three months we weren't going to lie to each other

534
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:49,520
We weren't going to deceive each other

535
00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:53,680
We were going to do everything we could to keep everything above the table

536
00:36:55,120 --> 00:37:02,320
I went into the the the next day feeling pretty good feeling like we had reached an understanding

537
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:08,160
So the next day comes and she is at work or whatever and I'm doing stuff around the house security for thanksgiving

538
00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:11,520
And we had texted a few times throughout the day and

539
00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:15,600
After the day was over. It was almost I want to say

540
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:19,360
1 30 in the morning, um, she

541
00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:24,400
Is texting me to say she's going home and that she's had a really bad day

542
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:29,120
But one of the one of the things that we had discussed in that walk the day before was

543
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:34,240
How I had neglected to be there for her when she needed me many times

544
00:37:34,720 --> 00:37:37,760
And she had been very upset by that and so

545
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:43,760
Seeing this as an opportunity to kind of show that you know things were going well

546
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:51,040
Things could be different if if there was communication. I I said, okay. Well, you've had a bad day. Do you mind if I stop by?

547
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:56,080
Now my intention was was to go, you know, she was going to knock on the door

548
00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:57,680
I was going to knock on the door. She was going to open it

549
00:37:57,680 --> 00:38:01,680
I was just going to give her a hug tell her it was okay, you know ask her if she needed anything

550
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,120
You know, maybe sit down talk for a few minutes if she wanted

551
00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:08,560
Have a drink whatever, you know, not I don't drink alcohol

552
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:12,320
But you know sit down have a have a soda or some water and just sit and talk for a few minutes

553
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:14,560
And then let her go to bed. That was my intention

554
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:20,800
Have it be a 20 minute visit just to show her my support and show her that I cared

555
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:25,440
But she said okay, she said yeah, come on over

556
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:32,160
So when I got there, I knocked on the door, but I didn't knock too loudly because she has two dogs and

557
00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:35,200
Every time I knock they alert her

558
00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:38,240
So I just kind of tapped on the door, but when I did that

559
00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:42,640
The dogs didn't respond so I kind of leaned in a little bit and I heard her on the phone

560
00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:46,800
And she was talking to someone now. This is important

561
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:52,000
She had told me that she wasn't in a relationship with anyone. She had told me that she was

562
00:38:53,120 --> 00:39:00,000
Going to take some time to herself. She she had lied to me and now here I am standing outside of her house

563
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:05,840
Hearing her on the phone with a man and the man says

564
00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:10,560
Or he says something I hear his voice. I didn't I couldn't make it out and then she says yeah

565
00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:11,760
He's on his way over

566
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:13,760
I don't know what he wants

567
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,800
And then I hear you know, whatever his voice is

568
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:18,400
and

569
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,160
She's like, yeah, no

570
00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:23,360
Yeah, yeah, and then he says do you need me to come over?

571
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:31,760
And at that point in time the person that I was was quickly being replaced by a sheer being of anger

572
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:35,520
Yeah, the first thing I thought was yeah, come on over

573
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,160
and

574
00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:42,240
That's when I realized I was I was really starting to get angry

575
00:39:44,720 --> 00:39:48,800
So the conversation goes on and you know, what was said doesn't matter at that point in time

576
00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:53,040
At least not for this story, but I was angry so

577
00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:56,960
I knock again. The dogs hear me. They start to bark. She's like I gotta go

578
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:58,880
He's like, I'm gonna go

579
00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:02,400
He's like, okay, let me know let me know how it how it ends when he leaves

580
00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:05,200
and

581
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:10,800
She comes to the door and she immediately knew she knew immediately she looked at my face and she knew immediately

582
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:13,360
that I had overheard it and

583
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:16,160
her face turned white and

584
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:22,800
She you know her demeanor completely changed her shoulders dropped

585
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:26,640
She knew that the the jig was up. She knew that she couldn't do it

586
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:31,360
The the jig was up. She knew that she couldn't lie to me. She she was caught in this lie

587
00:40:32,240 --> 00:40:34,560
so we go and we sit at her kitchen table and

588
00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:41,300
Come to find out that she was in the relationship with a man that had had a girlfriend

589
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:49,040
My friend had entered into the relationship knowing that this man had a girlfriend and had done it anyway

590
00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:51,600
and

591
00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:55,120
The girl obviously had no idea that this was happening behind her back

592
00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:56,160
and

593
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,160
I was so disappointed. I

594
00:40:58,720 --> 00:41:06,560
was so so disappointed in in in somebody that I cared that much about that I looked at as being such a good person

595
00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:13,680
Making that decision and what's interesting about this is that this was the second time she had done this with it was a different guy, but

596
00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:16,000
the second time

597
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:19,440
In these years and and I had just recently found out about the other one

598
00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:23,600
So she had been in and this is twice that she had been in a relationship with someone

599
00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:25,600
she had entered into a

600
00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:30,800
Physical relationship with someone knowing that they had a significant other

601
00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:34,800
Knowing that they were you know that she was going to hurt

602
00:41:35,600 --> 00:41:37,600
a woman or a girl, whatever

603
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:42,080
With her actions if it was found out and if it wasn't found out

604
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:47,040
She was empowering and enabling this shitty shitty behavior from these men

605
00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:50,320
She was allowing herself to be used in that way

606
00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:55,680
And I was just I was just so taken aback and I was so angry and so hurt by

607
00:41:56,480 --> 00:42:00,880
this moment of really just seeing her for

608
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:06,320
Her absolute worst seeing who she was at her absolute worst and something that I hadn't

609
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:10,400
I hadn't seen I had never really believed her capable of something like that

610
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:13,120
and so in that moment

611
00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:15,120
And this is

612
00:42:15,120 --> 00:42:17,120
Me being as honest as I can be here

613
00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:22,400
My one true thought wasn't about my feelings. It wasn't about me at all

614
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:26,880
I just couldn't get over the fact that she would do this to this girl

615
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:30,400
This girlfriend of this man, whoever he was

616
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:38,720
You know, he was he was having a sexual physical relationship with someone side pieces as they call them

617
00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:42,560
They had entered into this knowing that he had a

618
00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:44,720
He had a girlfriend

619
00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:49,840
Like he knew it and and and she knew it and and nobody nobody thought about this poor girl

620
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:52,640
Nobody cared about her

621
00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:58,320
And that that was when I I lost my temper. That was when I my my true anger

622
00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:00,320
hit the ceiling

623
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:04,000
Now for those of you that follow me on tik tok and those of you that know my story

624
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:08,080
You know that I am somebody who has put

625
00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:10,320
my

626
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:11,840
my life

627
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:15,760
On the line to protect women. It's something that I've done

628
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:19,600
My whole life. I've always protected women

629
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:25,360
I have never ever been somebody who would ever hurt somebody physically not not a woman at least

630
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:29,200
And I have actively hurt men physically for doing that

631
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:33,040
I'm not proud of that, but it is a truth that I live with

632
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:39,520
And it's something that when I look back on it and I understand the choices that I made

633
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:44,320
And the the lives that I have affected I am proud of who I am. I'm proud of the fact that

634
00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:49,440
I was able to protect people and I was able to help them when they needed it the most

635
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:52,400
Now I want to be really clear about this

636
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:55,200
Up until that point up until that night

637
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:58,400
There were entire swaths

638
00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:01,040
of my life

639
00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:03,280
That I was

640
00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:05,360
I wouldn't say I didn't remember them at all

641
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:07,360
But they were difficult to recall

642
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:10,160
And in that moment

643
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:12,160
I had a rush of memories

644
00:44:13,040 --> 00:44:18,160
Of things that I had done of fights that I'd been in of moments

645
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:21,280
Gruesome to a certain degree

646
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:23,920
It was almost like my mind telling me

647
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:26,880
This is what you're capable of

648
00:44:27,520 --> 00:44:32,080
To protect this is what you can this is what you've done to protect women

649
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:37,440
How is this different? And I really that's how I felt in that moment. I felt

650
00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:40,160
I felt this drive this this this

651
00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:42,880
Necessity to protect this girl

652
00:44:43,120 --> 00:44:49,440
I I couldn't stand the idea that somebody that I cared about that I loved that I held up on a pedestal

653
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:56,560
Could do this to somebody and the fact that you know, this this guy was essentially getting away with it

654
00:44:57,680 --> 00:45:00,640
Um, but I was able to protect this girl

655
00:45:00,640 --> 00:45:02,240
and do a different thing with it

656
00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:06,240
Um and at the same time in my mind, you know

657
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:10,320
I I know that I know that the difference is now that this isn't really the case

658
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:15,040
but at the time I felt like he was he was taking advantage of my friend that he was you know

659
00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:16,560
he was this kind of

660
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:17,840
You know

661
00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:22,960
Snake that was just kind of whispering in her ear and getting her to do these things and and that's really how

662
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:23,840
I felt now

663
00:45:23,840 --> 00:45:31,400
But at the time that's how I felt and I wanted this guy punished and I can't say that any other way like truly punished

664
00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:34,000
I wanted him to feel the pain that he was

665
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:37,400
That he was dishing out so readily I

666
00:45:38,520 --> 00:45:42,000
Couldn't stand the idea and so in that moment in that moment of anger

667
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:49,120
I told her I said you have to break this off you have to end this you are better than this if you do not

668
00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:54,580
End this I'm going to end it for you. I'm gonna tell everybody in the world about this guy

669
00:45:54,580 --> 00:45:59,400
I don't know his name, but I'll find out I'll find out who he is. I'm gonna find out who he is

670
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:04,080
I'm gonna tell his girlfriend. I'm gonna tell every single person in his life exactly who he is

671
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:10,960
I'm going to show the world the quality of this this man's character and I can do that because I

672
00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:19,000
Am a higher character person. I can do that because I don't have anything to hide I can do that because I

673
00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:22,240
know that I would never do this to someone and

674
00:46:23,560 --> 00:46:29,620
It's my job and it has always been my job to defend people when things like this happen

675
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:38,160
And I'm gonna defend this girl. So either you tell her you break it off and you take responsibility for it or I will

676
00:46:38,160 --> 00:46:40,160
and

677
00:46:40,160 --> 00:46:43,640
That's what I said to her and it's important to understand that in this moment of anger

678
00:46:43,640 --> 00:46:48,520
I didn't punch a wall. I didn't I didn't do any of these things

679
00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:51,440
What I did do

680
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:59,440
Is when she opened that door, I said you have no idea how angry I am. I could have kicked in this door

681
00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:03,000
Now I didn't kick in the door

682
00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:06,200
But I was that angry I could have I

683
00:47:06,200 --> 00:47:09,920
Was angry enough that I could have done many things

684
00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:12,760
But I didn't

685
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:14,760
Keep in mind. Like I said

686
00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:21,960
The people that remain calm the people that you just kind of get this feeling of a seething under their skin

687
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:27,320
This the people that are able to communicate effectively despite their anger

688
00:47:27,960 --> 00:47:30,440
those are the people that are the most dangerous and

689
00:47:31,200 --> 00:47:32,760
That's where I was

690
00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:37,800
That's exactly where I was. I talked to this friend of mine. I held her hands

691
00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:43,960
And I I spoke sternly I spoke

692
00:47:45,200 --> 00:47:46,920
judgmentally

693
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:48,920
But I spoke truthfully

694
00:47:49,240 --> 00:47:52,760
there was nothing that I said in that moment that was wrong and

695
00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:55,600
When I go back and I think about it, I

696
00:47:56,280 --> 00:47:59,000
I don't know if I could necessarily have changed anything

697
00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:01,360
but

698
00:48:01,360 --> 00:48:03,360
in that moment I

699
00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:05,920
Did scare the hell out of her

700
00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:12,880
She had never seen me like that. She had never experienced me that angry

701
00:48:13,320 --> 00:48:15,560
she had never seen that side of me and

702
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:21,720
To a certain degree. I'm very very proud of the fact that she had spent 16 years in my life

703
00:48:21,720 --> 00:48:24,120
I'd have never seen me like that. But at the same time

704
00:48:24,880 --> 00:48:26,880
it is a failure that

705
00:48:27,560 --> 00:48:29,560
after 16 years I

706
00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:32,160
I allowed that part of me to come out

707
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:37,560
I'm not proud of that. It's not something that I'm I

708
00:48:38,720 --> 00:48:40,640
necessarily wanted to do

709
00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:45,240
But at that point in time all I thought about was I got to help this girl

710
00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:51,840
now the the postscript to that is I never found out who this man was because I didn't I

711
00:48:52,760 --> 00:48:59,120
Didn't feel safe knowing having that information. I didn't do the things that I said I was going to do

712
00:48:59,120 --> 00:49:05,640
In in my empty threats to her because she told me that she was going to handle it and that she was going to

713
00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:07,560
work through it

714
00:49:07,560 --> 00:49:09,680
But in the time since then

715
00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:14,320
this friend of mine has used that moment as ammunition to

716
00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:15,920
Say that you know

717
00:49:15,920 --> 00:49:19,360
She I'm not safe to be around and I'm not you know

718
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:25,440
her real friends wouldn't force her to do these things and her real friends would have stood behind her while she

719
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:33,080
Did this with this guy? I guess which just tells me that her real friends really suck, but more important is I

720
00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:36,560
I did scare her and

721
00:49:38,320 --> 00:49:41,440
She'll never hear this she doesn't listen to these podcasts

722
00:49:41,880 --> 00:49:45,440
but if she ever does and for those of you that do listen I

723
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:53,080
Want it to be known that I do apologize for losing my anger or losing my temper in that anger I?

724
00:49:53,080 --> 00:49:56,320
I it's not something that I would like to do

725
00:49:57,320 --> 00:50:04,400
But like I said before I think now my anger tends to be focusing around

726
00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:10,420
Protecting people tends to be focusing around trying to

727
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:12,920
Make a difference

728
00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:20,160
I'm not feeling anger like I used to it's just not hitting me in any way. I'm not I

729
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:25,840
Don't get angry in traffic. I don't like this. There's no real buildup of stress

730
00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:31,600
I don't there's none of the effects of anger that I've lived with for so long in my life

731
00:50:32,560 --> 00:50:37,000
Are having any effect on me? I I used to get angry when like

732
00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:42,320
If somebody said something stupid online, I would get angry

733
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:45,080
I would get like legitimately angry

734
00:50:45,080 --> 00:50:51,360
And I wouldn't be somebody who would like go into like punch-up mode and start, you know hammering out a

735
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:53,800
Strongly worded email or anything like that

736
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:59,040
I was just somebody who I would see that would go in the other room and I tell my kids and I'd you know

737
00:50:59,040 --> 00:51:01,400
I would just be so angry about it and now I

738
00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:08,680
Just let stuff go. I just don't care anymore. And I really do believe that it was that moment in

739
00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:11,480
November of

740
00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:13,520
2023 that changed me

741
00:51:13,520 --> 00:51:15,520
Because I had so many memories

742
00:51:16,120 --> 00:51:19,720
Rush back in that moment. I had so many things that I had

743
00:51:20,240 --> 00:51:22,240
either repressed or

744
00:51:23,320 --> 00:51:28,560
Just I don't know. I guess repressed is the best word. I had so many things that

745
00:51:29,480 --> 00:51:31,240
Came back to my head

746
00:51:31,240 --> 00:51:36,600
so many memories of that I had really kind of forgotten about who I was and about

747
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:43,840
The history that I had and about how and I really hate to use this word, but how righteous I had felt in my anger

748
00:51:44,280 --> 00:51:48,320
for so many different occasions how so many men I

749
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:54,280
Had I had really hurt them to save women and

750
00:51:55,760 --> 00:52:01,880
All I could think about in that moment was saving this girl from the fate that she had no idea and

751
00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:09,400
And I'll be honest I regret not finding out who she was because as far as I know and I don't know anything about it

752
00:52:09,400 --> 00:52:11,400
But I could only assume

753
00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:16,760
That this guy went back to his girlfriend and they carried on and she was never the wiser

754
00:52:17,800 --> 00:52:21,560
and I don't know maybe maybe that's for the best, but I

755
00:52:22,360 --> 00:52:24,000
just I

756
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:28,200
Just can't help but feel like somehow her life would be better if

757
00:52:28,200 --> 00:52:32,360
I had found out who she was and if I could have told her the truth

758
00:52:32,960 --> 00:52:37,080
Because you know damn well that man isn't going to you know damn well

759
00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:40,880
He's gonna cheat on her again, and you know damn well that he doesn't value her

760
00:52:41,000 --> 00:52:44,800
He didn't value my friend that he was sleeping with he definitely didn't value

761
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:47,280
his girlfriend and

762
00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:52,480
There's so many men like that out there that I've had to fight and I've had to deal with and I've had to punish

763
00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:55,320
for their way of just taking and

764
00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:58,320
Robbing women of their

765
00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:05,720
Sovereignty for the lack of better word and I just I

766
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:11,720
Just can't stand by and let that happen anymore, so there's my story, and we're gonna move on now

767
00:53:12,240 --> 00:53:15,800
I know that that story isn't always about anger isn't all about anger

768
00:53:15,800 --> 00:53:21,440
But it is about the last time I felt true anger, and I'm not gonna lie to you

769
00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:26,680
That was probably the most angry I've been in like I said before 20 years at least

770
00:53:27,800 --> 00:53:34,040
So I felt like it was an important thing to discuss because in an episode about anger

771
00:53:34,040 --> 00:53:37,840
I can't think of anything that made me more angry than that moment

772
00:53:38,360 --> 00:53:42,400
so I'm gonna go into a next quote, and and I want to talk about this quote a little bit because

773
00:53:44,240 --> 00:53:47,680
It bothers me a little bit, and this is a quote by Joel Osteen now

774
00:53:47,680 --> 00:53:52,560
I'm not a Joel Osteen hater, but I would say that I disagree with a lot of what Joel Osteen has said

775
00:53:52,560 --> 00:53:55,920
And this is one that I'm gonna nitpick on a little bit. He said

776
00:53:56,400 --> 00:54:00,240
Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry stressed or offended

777
00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:07,520
But what you're doing when you indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside of yourself power over your happiness

778
00:54:08,160 --> 00:54:12,000
You can choose to not let little things upset you

779
00:54:13,760 --> 00:54:15,760
Okay

780
00:54:15,760 --> 00:54:19,680
I'll give you a second think about what I just said there think about that quote

781
00:54:20,080 --> 00:54:25,200
And then I want you to just if you've if you've listened to my podcast or you've listened to the tik-toks

782
00:54:25,200 --> 00:54:29,520
I want you to just imagine what I would say about those just I'll give you a second

783
00:54:32,880 --> 00:54:38,400
What do you think anything okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna break it down for you

784
00:54:40,720 --> 00:54:43,920
Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry stressed and offended yes

785
00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:46,160
Absolutely, that's true. We absolutely do

786
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:53,200
Um you what you are doing when you indulge in these negative emotions is giving something outside of yourself power over your happiness

787
00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:57,040
To a certain degree. Yes, I agree with that. Um

788
00:54:57,840 --> 00:55:03,440
That a lot of these emotions come from outside stressors outside situations outside things

789
00:55:03,440 --> 00:55:10,720
So when you give in to those negative thoughts those negative emotions, yes, you are certainly giving those things power over you this next part though

790
00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:16,320
this next part, um, you can choose to not let little things upset you

791
00:55:17,040 --> 00:55:18,480
No, you can't

792
00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:23,760
Um, no, you can't no you can choose how you respond to those little things, but you cannot choose

793
00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:29,040
Whether or not these things upset you now all of us have different things that upset us, right?

794
00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:35,520
When somebody chews ice, I want to bludgeon them with a stilson wrench now a lot of people out there chew ice

795
00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:43,120
That's not that those are not the same thing right like I can chew sure I could choose to not have a violent reaction to people

796
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:47,760
Destroying their teeth with with ice cubes, but I also

797
00:55:48,640 --> 00:55:55,840
Um can it's gonna annoy me. It's gonna i'm gonna get angry. I'm gonna get i'm gonna have that response, right? Like i'm gonna feel it i'm

798
00:55:56,640 --> 00:56:01,760
There I can control the fact that I I don't grab something and hit them across the face with it. Yes

799
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:08,480
I can control that but the fact that it bothers me the fact that the sound itself

800
00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:16,800
Makes me want to curl up in a ball and and and not even move for like a half hour after I hear it

801
00:56:17,680 --> 00:56:22,800
That there's nothing I can't control that I can't control

802
00:56:23,360 --> 00:56:26,960
That it's coming in and I respond and then that I feel it the way I do

803
00:56:26,960 --> 00:56:33,280
I can control my response so the idea that you can choose to not let these little things upset you

804
00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:36,640
Is a little bit nonsensical in my mind because you absolutely

805
00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:43,600
You absolutely cannot control whether things upset you or not. What you do control is how you react

806
00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:46,320
if you let that

807
00:56:46,800 --> 00:56:51,040
Emotion if you let that anger control you you can control that

808
00:56:51,040 --> 00:56:56,640
But you can't control whether something upsets you or not. It's what you do with that upset

809
00:56:56,640 --> 00:57:00,320
It's what you do with those negative emotions that matters and so

810
00:57:00,880 --> 00:57:04,320
I know this seems a little nitpicky and I know that it seems like i'm kind of

811
00:57:04,880 --> 00:57:10,000
You know just kind of picking on this guy, but it really is like this is a man that's got you know

812
00:57:10,560 --> 00:57:15,280
Millions and millions and millions of people following him and to say something like that

813
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:19,680
Really makes me want to be like, oh my god, I'm gonna be like, oh my god

814
00:57:19,680 --> 00:57:20,800
Something like that

815
00:57:20,800 --> 00:57:22,800
really does kind of

816
00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:28,320
Like is everybody supposed to be this like superhuman robot like where they just don't let things

817
00:57:29,440 --> 00:57:31,440
Like all of a sudden you get to control

818
00:57:32,000 --> 00:57:32,720
uh

819
00:57:32,720 --> 00:57:37,280
The stimuli that comes in into your senses. That's not really how it works

820
00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:42,000
But it does lead to this next part of the of the episode

821
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:46,480
How do you control those those emotions? How do you?

822
00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:50,480
Allow yourself. How do you give yourself that control? How do you learn to do that?

823
00:57:51,040 --> 00:57:57,040
Now those of you that listen to the podcast know that every episode I try to give something like this if the topic gives

824
00:57:59,440 --> 00:58:01,440
The opportunity for me to teach

825
00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:08,480
Some methods or some ideas on on you know, how to bolster or control certain things

826
00:58:08,480 --> 00:58:13,680
Then that's what i'm going to do. And so i'm going to do that here, but I want you to understand

827
00:58:13,680 --> 00:58:15,680
Before I do that that

828
00:58:16,320 --> 00:58:19,520
Once again, i'm in a position now in my life where

829
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:22,560
I'm not really feeling anger the way that I used to

830
00:58:23,520 --> 00:58:25,520
So all I can do is speak to

831
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:28,960
The way that I used to handle it the way that I used to manage it

832
00:58:29,600 --> 00:58:33,680
Now there's a lot of different things you can get I mean obviously anger management is something that

833
00:58:34,000 --> 00:58:37,600
Is a very very very popular topic. It's something that

834
00:58:38,160 --> 00:58:41,600
You know every therapist will go into every person will look at it

835
00:58:41,600 --> 00:58:44,160
Anger issues and all the like it's

836
00:58:44,880 --> 00:58:46,880
it's there is a

837
00:58:47,120 --> 00:58:50,560
massive amount of content out there that you can

838
00:58:51,360 --> 00:58:55,920
You know put into your eye sockets and jumble around and see what sticks

839
00:58:56,560 --> 00:58:59,600
So i'm just going to go through some of the stuff that I know has worked for me

840
00:59:00,480 --> 00:59:03,520
Now I I encourage you if you're listening to this

841
00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:09,520
To just you know google some stuff just look up some stuff if you believe that you have a problem

842
00:59:09,520 --> 00:59:12,560
Controlling your anger and it's something that you want to address

843
00:59:13,360 --> 00:59:20,480
It's really not that hard. It's really genuinely not that hard to find all sorts of resources. It is a

844
00:59:21,680 --> 00:59:23,680
Like 0.2 second google search

845
00:59:24,240 --> 00:59:30,080
To find any of this information. It's at your fingertips at all times and I promise you

846
00:59:30,560 --> 00:59:35,920
That anything you read there will be just as helpful as anything you get from this podcast from this point on

847
00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:39,120
at least for this this section because

848
00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:44,400
This is something anger management is something that literally every single

849
00:59:45,280 --> 00:59:47,680
generation since the dawn of time has

850
00:59:48,640 --> 00:59:50,160
Tried to address

851
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:52,160
not effectively

852
00:59:52,720 --> 00:59:55,600
Not not effectively by any

853
00:59:56,640 --> 01:00:00,400
Any metric but it's something that everybody has tried to address

854
01:00:01,520 --> 01:00:03,520
So what do we do?

855
01:00:03,520 --> 01:00:09,760
The first thing you need to do and this is once again, this is just how I approach it is to understand

856
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:11,360
how

857
01:00:11,360 --> 01:00:13,360
you experience anger

858
01:00:13,840 --> 01:00:16,080
And the reason why this is important is because

859
01:00:17,120 --> 01:00:19,120
Unless your anger is sudden

860
01:00:19,360 --> 01:00:21,360
Which makes it more impulsive

861
01:00:22,400 --> 01:00:24,400
anger tends to build and

862
01:00:25,680 --> 01:00:30,720
You'll start to once you really get into it. You'll start to understand like your

863
01:00:30,720 --> 01:00:34,960
your kind of predictors on how angry you're getting some people get like

864
01:00:35,680 --> 01:00:42,080
Their hands will shake some people will get their ears will get hot some people's eyes will start to hurt

865
01:00:42,960 --> 01:00:44,960
Some people's lips will quiver

866
01:00:45,440 --> 01:00:50,000
And you know, obviously once you get to these physical indicators, you're already angry

867
01:00:50,560 --> 01:00:55,440
But if you start to really look at it and you start to understand how anger is affecting you physically

868
01:00:56,080 --> 01:00:58,240
Some people get you know, not so nice

869
01:00:58,240 --> 01:01:00,800
Some people get you know knots in their stomach

870
01:01:01,440 --> 01:01:07,680
Some people start to kind of get not pains in their legs, but they'll start to feel imbalance in their legs

871
01:01:07,680 --> 01:01:09,840
They'll start to kind of sway back and forth

872
01:01:11,040 --> 01:01:13,040
There's all sorts of physical indicators

873
01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:15,440
and

874
01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:21,440
Another good reason to look at this and this is kind of an aside here, but another good reason to look at this is

875
01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:25,920
It's really important to be able to read this on other people as well

876
01:01:25,920 --> 01:01:27,920
now as somebody who

877
01:01:27,920 --> 01:01:34,880
Kind of specialized for a long time in reading other people's emotional states and trying to manipulate those states as

878
01:01:34,880 --> 01:01:37,920
Somebody who was playing games and things like that and needing to know

879
01:01:39,040 --> 01:01:41,920
Reading reading whether or not people were frustrated or angry

880
01:01:42,640 --> 01:01:46,880
Especially angry was was was very very important for me

881
01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:50,960
you know as as things turned against somebody and as they

882
01:01:51,440 --> 01:01:53,840
Started to understand that they weren't in a winning position

883
01:01:53,840 --> 01:01:57,120
If I understood that they you know were angry about it

884
01:01:57,120 --> 01:02:02,240
I could then play off of that and and so it became really important for me to start to study

885
01:02:02,880 --> 01:02:06,000
Some of the different tells that people had about their emotional state

886
01:02:06,480 --> 01:02:09,840
And so it's really important when you think about it from that point of view to understand that

887
01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:16,240
You know if you if you understand that these kind of things like I said like, you know, the way that people

888
01:02:16,800 --> 01:02:18,320
blink the

889
01:02:18,320 --> 01:02:22,000
Their lips quivering the way that they maybe sneer a little bit

890
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:28,880
The the the the lines in their foreheads will start to become some people get a really big vein in their forehead that'll start to

891
01:02:29,680 --> 01:02:30,720
protrude

892
01:02:30,720 --> 01:02:35,360
You know all of these different things and the color especially color around the ear is very common

893
01:02:36,080 --> 01:02:41,440
Are are indicators that people are starting to get stressed or starting to get angry. They're starting to get whatever it may be

894
01:02:42,000 --> 01:02:46,400
So once you start to be able to key in and understand those things in yourself

895
01:02:46,400 --> 01:02:53,200
As well as maybe even learn how to see them in others. You can start to communicate a little bit more effectively or

896
01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:57,600
If you just are walking down the street and you see those things on somebody especially like, you know

897
01:02:57,600 --> 01:03:01,840
You see a guy walking down the street holding a gun and his ears are bright red

898
01:03:02,400 --> 01:03:05,360
You know, he's probably pretty angry and to stay away from him just saying

899
01:03:06,880 --> 01:03:09,600
So what do you do? How do you how do you approach it?

900
01:03:09,600 --> 01:03:14,000
What do you do from that point on once you start to feel the anger once you start to understand that the anger is

901
01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:16,560
Building inside of you. How do you control it?

902
01:03:17,200 --> 01:03:18,400
well

903
01:03:18,400 --> 01:03:20,000
really

904
01:03:20,000 --> 01:03:24,480
The most important part here is to understand the anger builds and it builds rapidly

905
01:03:25,520 --> 01:03:33,520
Oftentimes you don't just go from zero to you know rage you you you have there's a period of build there

906
01:03:34,320 --> 01:03:38,800
And so that is that is the key point. That is where you learn to control it

907
01:03:38,800 --> 01:03:43,840
And you don't let it get out of control by just letting it continue to build so

908
01:03:45,120 --> 01:03:48,240
There's another quote here i'll use thomas jefferson said when angry

909
01:03:48,880 --> 01:03:53,120
Counts to 10 before you speak if very angry count to 100

910
01:03:54,000 --> 01:03:57,440
And that's probably the best advice of any quote that you're ever going to see ever

911
01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:01,440
It's it's exceedingly important to understand that the

912
01:04:02,480 --> 01:04:03,760
almost

913
01:04:03,760 --> 01:04:05,760
Almost as primal as anger itself

914
01:04:05,760 --> 01:04:09,520
The innate desire to respond in anger

915
01:04:10,320 --> 01:04:16,640
Is part of anger the the the desire to lash out the desire to you know, just jump to

916
01:04:17,360 --> 01:04:21,280
Defense or jump to whatever it may be that is part of your anger

917
01:04:21,280 --> 01:04:26,000
That is that is how you're you're dealing with it in anger. It's a quick. It's a quick thing

918
01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:31,120
You're not thinking anymore. You're just you're just reacting and so to combat that

919
01:04:32,000 --> 01:04:34,080
We need to understand that anger is

920
01:04:34,080 --> 01:04:39,600
that we need to understand that the patience that moment of patience that moment of pause

921
01:04:40,240 --> 01:04:43,040
That moment of breathing that moment of calm

922
01:04:43,840 --> 01:04:45,840
Is very very very important

923
01:04:46,880 --> 01:04:53,600
It is so difficult when you first start that you may even give up trying before you even get started

924
01:04:54,400 --> 01:04:58,320
It is so difficult when you've when you've lived a life where anger is

925
01:04:58,800 --> 01:05:02,480
Is there all the time to really be able to see it and understand it?

926
01:05:02,480 --> 01:05:04,800
And and even want to control it

927
01:05:05,840 --> 01:05:07,840
but it is so important and

928
01:05:08,880 --> 01:05:10,880
The best way to do it is to count

929
01:05:11,520 --> 01:05:16,960
You count and with each each number you count you count to ten you go one take a deep breath

930
01:05:17,600 --> 01:05:19,600
Into the in through the nose out through the mouth

931
01:05:20,720 --> 01:05:22,720
one

932
01:05:23,040 --> 01:05:25,040
two

933
01:05:26,800 --> 01:05:28,240
Three

934
01:05:28,240 --> 01:05:29,760
When you do that

935
01:05:29,760 --> 01:05:37,840
You go to ten you every every every single number you count and while you're counting you're not just you're not just empty-headed doing this

936
01:05:39,600 --> 01:05:44,240
You you're thinking about your response you're trying to not let that anger

937
01:05:44,860 --> 01:05:46,960
Consume you you're trying to not

938
01:05:47,760 --> 01:05:48,720
you

939
01:05:48,720 --> 01:05:52,880
how many times in your life have you had that moment where

940
01:05:54,400 --> 01:05:58,560
You say something or you do something and then you get in the car or you go home or whatever it may be

941
01:05:58,560 --> 01:06:00,560
And you're like, oh man, I should have said this

942
01:06:03,040 --> 01:06:07,680
Whether it be an anger or be funny or whatever it may be this is your opportunity for that

943
01:06:07,920 --> 01:06:10,160
This is your opportunity to really think about it

944
01:06:10,560 --> 01:06:17,520
Now once again, I'm not somebody who believes the Joel Osteen line of thought that you can choose to not let these things upset you

945
01:06:17,840 --> 01:06:24,480
You can't really do that, but you can choose how you respond. You can choose the nature of your response and sometimes

946
01:06:26,160 --> 01:06:28,160
Anger is

947
01:06:28,160 --> 01:06:30,160
An important thing to convey

948
01:06:30,800 --> 01:06:33,440
But you want to do it the right way as Aristotle said

949
01:06:35,280 --> 01:06:41,280
Be angry with the right person to the right degree at the right time for the right purpose

950
01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:44,000
And in the right way

951
01:06:44,160 --> 01:06:49,200
And that is what you are counting for that is what you're pausing for you want to make sure

952
01:06:50,000 --> 01:06:52,960
That your anger is going towards the right person

953
01:06:53,600 --> 01:06:55,600
you want to make sure that you're

954
01:06:55,600 --> 01:06:58,640
You're as angry as you need to be in that moment

955
01:06:59,280 --> 01:07:02,560
You want to make sure that this is the right time to convey that

956
01:07:02,960 --> 01:07:05,360
Sometimes sometimes it's not the best time

957
01:07:06,640 --> 01:07:09,920
And you want to make sure that there is purpose behind your anger

958
01:07:10,320 --> 01:07:18,000
Anger is so powerful. It can literally destroy your life. It can destroy the lives of others. It can make people

959
01:07:18,480 --> 01:07:20,480
See you in ways that

960
01:07:20,880 --> 01:07:22,880
You can't undo

961
01:07:22,880 --> 01:07:26,400
So it's important that you understand that all of these things

962
01:07:27,040 --> 01:07:30,400
If I were you I would memorize the aristolo quote

963
01:07:31,760 --> 01:07:38,640
Be angry with the right person to the right degree at the right time for the right purpose and in the right way

964
01:07:39,840 --> 01:07:45,280
And when you start to do that countdown, that is the mantra that you recite to yourself

965
01:07:45,280 --> 01:07:51,840
Be angry with the right person to the right degree at the right time for the right purpose and in the right way

966
01:07:52,240 --> 01:07:57,840
You just say it over and over and over again. If you want to go back a second and listen to it again

967
01:07:57,840 --> 01:07:59,840
I'm gonna say it one more time

968
01:07:59,840 --> 01:08:07,520
Be angry with the right person to the right degree at the right time for the right purpose and in the right way

969
01:08:08,960 --> 01:08:13,440
If you can master that if you can understand that and you're able to do that

970
01:08:13,440 --> 01:08:27,440
If you can understand that and master it, you will have accomplished something that 99.9% of the world that have ever existed on this planet have not been able to do.

971
01:08:27,440 --> 01:08:38,440
It is not an easy feat. It is not something to take lightly. It is not something that you can just do on your off time. This is something that requires concentrated effort.

972
01:08:38,440 --> 01:08:46,440
But if you do it, it changes everything. Now, am I a perfect example of this? No.

973
01:08:46,440 --> 01:08:55,440
But I can tell you this, and the reason why I told you this story, and the reason why I am sharing this quote over and over again, this is the reason.

974
01:08:55,440 --> 01:09:01,440
I was angry with the right person. Could I have been angry with more people? Yes.

975
01:09:01,440 --> 01:09:11,440
I was angry to the right degree, and I was angry at the right time, and I was angry for the right purpose.

976
01:09:11,440 --> 01:09:24,440
But, I wasn't angry in the right way. And that is how, and that is why, I caused damage to my friendship, or at that point in time, whatever it was,

977
01:09:24,440 --> 01:09:34,440
I caused damage to a relationship that I cared about, and that I wanted to try to find a way through, because I wasn't angry in the right way.

978
01:09:34,440 --> 01:09:46,440
I was threatening, and I was judgmental, and I was speaking from a place of not just anger, but of hurt.

979
01:09:46,440 --> 01:09:56,440
So, I was not angry in the right way, but I was angry to the right degree, and with the right person, and at the right time, and with the right purpose.

980
01:09:56,440 --> 01:10:03,440
I know that I was, and so I don't regret it, but I also know that I could have done it better.

981
01:10:03,440 --> 01:10:11,440
And so it's important to understand, as you start to try to really control your anger, and start to have a grasp of it,

982
01:10:11,440 --> 01:10:30,440
this moment that you give yourself, to recite this quote, to count to ten, to breathe, to understand that whatever you do, after you're done with this ten second count, is going to last forever.

983
01:10:30,440 --> 01:10:43,440
One of the great moments in my life was when I was still very, very young, and this was formative for me.

984
01:10:43,440 --> 01:10:50,440
I don't remember the name of the family, and I don't remember the name of the friends that I had, they were just other kids that I went to school with.

985
01:10:50,440 --> 01:10:53,440
This is when I lived in Utah.

986
01:10:53,440 --> 01:11:05,440
I went over to one of my friend's houses, and I remember vividly there being a giant hole in the wall, right by the front door.

987
01:11:05,440 --> 01:11:12,440
And I asked him, like, what happened to your wall? And he said, oh, my brother punched it.

988
01:11:12,440 --> 01:11:22,440
And I remember, in that moment, thinking, why? Why would you do that?

989
01:11:22,440 --> 01:11:38,440
And it wasn't until many years later, when I was watching the movie Goodfellas for the first time, that I had somebody echo my sentiment.

990
01:11:38,440 --> 01:11:54,440
Because there's a scene where Karen, Henry Hill's wife in the movie, she's talking about how FBI agents or cops would come to the house of all the different mob wives,

991
01:11:54,440 --> 01:12:00,440
and that some of the other mob wives would spit on their own floor, spit at the cops on their own floor.

992
01:12:00,440 --> 01:12:07,440
And she's like, why would you do that? Why would you spit on your own floor? That just made no sense to me.

993
01:12:07,440 --> 01:12:16,440
And that moment, when I first heard that, I thought, somebody gets me. There you go. There's my representation.

994
01:12:16,440 --> 01:12:24,440
Because why? What could ever make you that angry that you attack an innocent wall?

995
01:12:24,440 --> 01:12:33,440
I've never in my life, ever, and I have been so angry, I have been so angry that I have literally put people in hospitals before.

996
01:12:33,440 --> 01:12:40,440
All of them deserved it, and all of them I'm fine with, but I have never, ever attacked a wall.

997
01:12:40,440 --> 01:12:51,440
And so I bring this up, because like I said, that moment after you breathe, whatever you do, whatever action you take, whatever words you say,

998
01:12:51,440 --> 01:12:55,440
those are going to live forever from that point on.

999
01:12:55,440 --> 01:13:07,440
You don't want to be the guy that when people walk into the house, or they walk wherever, and they go, oh what happened here? You don't want to be the guy that somebody says, oh, so and so hit the wall.

1000
01:13:07,440 --> 01:13:18,440
Nobody wants to be that guy. Control that shit. This is the point. Control your anger. If I have to shame you into it, then that's what I'll do.

1001
01:13:18,440 --> 01:13:26,440
So I'm going to touch on a few more things. I know I'm kind of running along here, so we're going to touch on a few more things.

1002
01:13:26,440 --> 01:13:37,440
And this is more for, I want to make it clear, the breathing exercises, and this is for the moment, the situation, whatever it may be,

1003
01:13:37,440 --> 01:13:42,440
in a moment where you start to feel that anger and you need to calm yourself down.

1004
01:13:42,440 --> 01:13:50,440
But like I said, I've lived a life where I was angry every day. I woke up angry. I never stopped being angry.

1005
01:13:50,440 --> 01:13:56,440
And so you have to, for those of you out there that kind of live in that world, that really do understand that,

1006
01:13:56,440 --> 01:14:05,440
there are ways to mitigate and to diminish your anger a little bit to kind of make it easier to carry that load.

1007
01:14:05,440 --> 01:14:13,440
One of the best ways, and this is something that I've done for years now, is exercise. Now I'm not, I was never, you know,

1008
01:14:13,440 --> 01:14:19,440
I'm not somebody that goes to the gym all the time and things like that, but I do play basketball. I try to play basketball at least once a week.

1009
01:14:19,440 --> 01:14:29,440
And in that, I'll find a good release from anger. I don't get angry when I'm playing basketball, but that exercise, getting out, getting the heart going, you know, some blood pumping,

1010
01:14:29,440 --> 01:14:39,440
that is a great way to diminish exercise. If you go to the gym, you know this is true. People that go to the gym, unless they're, you know,

1011
01:14:39,440 --> 01:14:49,440
really roided up kind of guys, they don't tend to have a lot of anger. Now, once again, there are certain, there is a certain like subsection of men

1012
01:14:49,440 --> 01:14:57,440
that they go to the gym because they're angry. They leave the gym angry. They're just always angry. But there are a lot of people out there that, you know,

1013
01:14:57,440 --> 01:15:03,440
when you're feeling angry, you go get on a treadmill, you go lift some weights, you go do whatever, and it's going to help make you feel better.

1014
01:15:03,440 --> 01:15:14,440
All of the hormones that kick in will help reduce cortisol levels. It'll help in general you deal with and manage your anger.

1015
01:15:14,440 --> 01:15:32,440
That's probably one of the best, I guess you could say, long term fixes. But, and this is really, really hard for me to give this advice because I know I'm being a bit of a hypocrite here.

1016
01:15:32,440 --> 01:15:48,440
One of the things that you can do that will help mitigate your anger is when you go into a situation, and like I said, this is kind of hard for me.

1017
01:15:48,440 --> 01:15:58,440
When you go into a situation where you feel slighted, where you feel disrespected, where you feel like somebody's actively hurting you,

1018
01:15:58,440 --> 01:16:11,440
first of all, try to let go of the grudge that you feel towards them. When you go into this thought exercise, try to let go of who they are for just a second while you do it.

1019
01:16:11,440 --> 01:16:21,440
Think of what the situation is. This person did this, you reacted this way. This person reacted this way, so now, you know, whatever it may be.

1020
01:16:21,440 --> 01:16:34,440
However this has set up a situation where now you're angry, try to stick to yourself. Don't think about them as much and think about yourself.

1021
01:16:34,440 --> 01:16:41,440
Put yourself first. And when I say that, that sounds, that sounds, it's not really the way that I would like to say it.

1022
01:16:41,440 --> 01:16:53,440
The way I'd like to say it, I think, is think in phrases that start with I. Don't say you, don't say we, say I.

1023
01:16:53,440 --> 01:16:59,440
And what you want to find there is accountability. You want to find a reason.

1024
01:16:59,440 --> 01:17:11,440
Now, often times, and this goes to the right time, right purpose type thing in the Aristotle quote, a lot of times we get angry and we start to project.

1025
01:17:11,440 --> 01:17:21,440
We start to kind of point to other people. We start to say, oh, you did this to me. You did that. You, and we often don't look at what we did.

1026
01:17:21,440 --> 01:17:31,440
We don't, we don't really understand what we did. Now, in the example that I gave earlier in my life, there wasn't much that I could have done there.

1027
01:17:31,440 --> 01:17:38,440
It wasn't about me. Now, what I could have done is that I could have not shown up. I could have said, you know what, she has disrespected me.

1028
01:17:38,440 --> 01:17:47,440
She has treated me this way. She has, she has been a bad person to me. I don't need to show up for her. I'm done with her. I could have left.

1029
01:17:47,440 --> 01:17:55,440
I could have not shown up. I could have not been part of her life anymore. And that would have been by some people's account, taking my own power, being stronger.

1030
01:17:55,440 --> 01:18:03,440
That would have been me being accountable for myself. But I'm just not that kind of person. I wanted to show up. I wanted to be there for her.

1031
01:18:03,440 --> 01:18:11,440
I wanted to be somebody that she could rely on. I wanted to be somebody that was strong for her. And so I did put myself in that position.

1032
01:18:11,440 --> 01:18:26,440
And because I believed in her and I trusted her and I, you know, wanted a better outcome, I did put myself in that position.

1033
01:18:26,440 --> 01:18:38,440
I did. It was my fault that I was there. And unfortunately, one of the problems with this line of thinking is in situations like this,

1034
01:18:38,440 --> 01:18:46,440
it really is just one person was being kind of shitty and the other person was trying to be, you know, not really the good guy,

1035
01:18:46,440 --> 01:18:54,440
but was trying to be just trying to be kind and compassionate. And then one person took advantage of that.

1036
01:18:54,440 --> 01:18:59,440
So it's really difficult for me to sit here and say, oh, I, oh, I did this. I have to take responsibility for it.

1037
01:18:59,440 --> 01:19:05,440
I have to take accountability for it because at the end of the day, I was doing what I felt was right.

1038
01:19:05,440 --> 01:19:12,440
I felt like I was trying to give somebody understanding, compassion, kindness and love.

1039
01:19:12,440 --> 01:19:18,440
And so it's hard for me to take that and say, well, I did it and that'll help me diminish the anger.

1040
01:19:18,440 --> 01:19:29,440
But there are a lot of situations where that does come in handy, where sometimes if you if you look at, you know, oh, well, I didn't have to say it like this.

1041
01:19:29,440 --> 01:19:36,440
I could have responded this way. I could have to just to understand how tensions have been raised,

1042
01:19:36,440 --> 01:19:45,440
to understand how emotions have gotten high and imagine and really understand how you got to this point.

1043
01:19:45,440 --> 01:19:52,440
That's that's almost as important as anything else is understanding how you got to the point that you're at.

1044
01:19:52,440 --> 01:19:55,440
If you understand it and you can really take a step back.

1045
01:19:55,440 --> 01:20:02,440
And like I said, you do this kind of understanding you breathing, you're taking a moment to to recite the quote in your head.

1046
01:20:02,440 --> 01:20:12,440
You really can control the outcome in a way that most people that allow their anger to just, you know, they just respond in anger.

1047
01:20:12,440 --> 01:20:15,440
They allow their anger to control them. They can't do that.

1048
01:20:15,440 --> 01:20:18,440
And that gives you a leg up.

1049
01:20:18,440 --> 01:20:25,440
That gives you the opportunity to do the right thing and to be a better person and to make a difference in this world.

1050
01:20:25,440 --> 01:20:28,440
And that's what we're here to do.

1051
01:20:28,440 --> 01:20:35,440
And so as I move into the end of this this episode, that's what I want to focus on.

1052
01:20:35,440 --> 01:20:44,440
Like I said, I'm not here to give you the playbook on how to control your anger, because each person's anger is their own demon that they have to conquer.

1053
01:20:44,440 --> 01:20:48,440
It is easy to find resources. It is easy to understand.

1054
01:20:48,440 --> 01:20:51,440
It is it is a powerful, powerful emotion.

1055
01:20:51,440 --> 01:20:58,440
And I cannot in an hour or hour and a half long podcast give you the answer to that question.

1056
01:20:58,440 --> 01:21:02,440
All I can do is tell you the answers are out there.

1057
01:21:02,440 --> 01:21:09,440
And I can tell you from my own experience that anger doesn't have to control you.

1058
01:21:09,440 --> 01:21:12,440
It doesn't have to define you.

1059
01:21:12,440 --> 01:21:15,440
But it isn't always bad.

1060
01:21:15,440 --> 01:21:20,440
It isn't always something that you should be ashamed of.

1061
01:21:20,440 --> 01:21:29,440
Despite what seemingly every great mind in history would tell you, there is plenty of righteous anger.

1062
01:21:29,440 --> 01:21:36,440
There is plenty of good situations where it's OK to be angry because you're angry for the right reason.

1063
01:21:36,440 --> 01:21:39,440
That's why I focused on this Aristotle quote.

1064
01:21:39,440 --> 01:21:48,440
That's why I think it's important, because Aristotle, unlike all these other thinkers, and I really genuinely I could read for another 30 minutes different quotes,

1065
01:21:48,440 --> 01:21:56,440
and I promise you he's the only one that understood that it's not bad to be angry.

1066
01:21:56,440 --> 01:21:59,440
It's not bad to be angry.

1067
01:21:59,440 --> 01:22:02,440
Everybody's angry. It's easy to be angry.

1068
01:22:02,440 --> 01:22:18,440
But to be angry, I'm going to say it again, at the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is what is important.

1069
01:22:18,440 --> 01:22:28,440
If you can start to control that, if you can start to manage that, if you can control it inside of yourself, and you can start to preach that to other people,

1070
01:22:28,440 --> 01:22:36,440
you can start to affect this world in a way that is truly, truly magnificent and beautiful.

1071
01:22:36,440 --> 01:22:38,440
Think about it.

1072
01:22:38,440 --> 01:22:50,440
Think about how much better this world would be if just a few more people around you didn't respond in anger the way that you've seen them.

1073
01:22:50,440 --> 01:22:56,440
If your father didn't respond in anger and beat you that one time.

1074
01:22:56,440 --> 01:23:05,440
If your sister didn't respond in anger and say something horrible to her friend or her mother or your mother, I guess.

1075
01:23:05,440 --> 01:23:16,440
All of these situations, if you were able to control yourself and not say something that hurt somebody, or in my case, scared somebody,

1076
01:23:16,440 --> 01:23:26,440
if you're able to control these things, just a little bit more and understand that there is a reason for anger to exist.

1077
01:23:26,440 --> 01:23:34,440
It is a positive thing if used correctly, if understood and focused.

1078
01:23:34,440 --> 01:23:42,440
And given the respect that the emotion deserves, it can be a powerful force for good.

1079
01:23:42,440 --> 01:23:48,440
Your anger, your wildness, can turn into a righteousness.

1080
01:23:48,440 --> 01:23:57,440
It can turn into something that you can really honestly use it for so much good.

1081
01:23:57,440 --> 01:24:01,440
Think about the students that are doing protests.

1082
01:24:01,440 --> 01:24:07,440
Think about the way the people are responding to the situation in Palestine.

1083
01:24:07,440 --> 01:24:19,440
Think about the anger and the true, I guess, upset, upset is the way you would say it, that people feel over these things.

1084
01:24:19,440 --> 01:24:22,440
And think about the other side as well.

1085
01:24:22,440 --> 01:24:26,440
Don't just think about it from one side and say, well, this is the side I'm on.

1086
01:24:26,440 --> 01:24:30,440
Think about it from every side and understand the anger, understand it.

1087
01:24:30,440 --> 01:24:44,440
Really, truly take a moment and understand these emotions, the fear and the anger, all of these negative things that are controlling and people are responding with.

1088
01:24:44,440 --> 01:24:47,440
Love is the answer.

1089
01:24:47,440 --> 01:24:50,440
But you can't deny how powerful anger is.

1090
01:24:50,440 --> 01:24:58,440
And if you truly love someone, if you love them with all of your heart, if you love a people with all of your heart,

1091
01:24:58,440 --> 01:25:09,440
if you love a country, whatever it may be, whatever it is that you truly love, anger in its defense, anger in its protection,

1092
01:25:09,440 --> 01:25:17,440
anger even in its understanding is important.

1093
01:25:17,440 --> 01:25:19,440
It is so important.

1094
01:25:19,440 --> 01:25:25,440
It is not to be diminished, but it is to be controlled.

1095
01:25:25,440 --> 01:25:33,440
I want you all to know that that moment that I described to you is a moment that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

1096
01:25:33,440 --> 01:25:46,440
The fear that I saw in my friend's eyes and the shame that I feel because of that fear will be with me forever.

1097
01:25:46,440 --> 01:25:53,440
And I was right on so many levels for so many reasons to be angry in that moment.

1098
01:25:53,440 --> 01:26:01,440
And I know I was and there is not a person out there that I've talked to about it that disagrees with me other than her.

1099
01:26:01,440 --> 01:26:10,440
But at the end of the day, I know that that anger in that moment doesn't represent who I am.

1100
01:26:10,440 --> 01:26:18,440
I think that anybody that hears me, that hears my voice here and hears my voice through TikTok and understands me as an individual

1101
01:26:18,440 --> 01:26:26,440
knows that that moment of anger, no matter how scary I was, is not representative of who I am right now,

1102
01:26:26,440 --> 01:26:30,440
who I am in this world and what I want to bring into this world.

1103
01:26:30,440 --> 01:26:38,440
I use that, even though it's uncomfortable to tell the story, I use that as an example because it's so important to understand that

1104
01:26:38,440 --> 01:26:47,440
no matter how much love you have, no matter how well-intentioned you are, no matter how you may be the good guy in the story,

1105
01:26:47,440 --> 01:26:56,440
we still fall prey, we still fall prey to those moments where anger takes over, where fear takes over.

1106
01:26:56,440 --> 01:27:00,440
It's what we do from that point on that matters.

1107
01:27:00,440 --> 01:27:10,440
I will never be able to make amends for what I did that night to my friend's sense of security and her ability to feel safe with me.

1108
01:27:10,440 --> 01:27:13,440
I'll never be able to fix that truly.

1109
01:27:13,440 --> 01:27:26,440
And until she gives me the opportunity to try to show her otherwise, I just have to assume that she thinks of me that way.

1110
01:27:26,440 --> 01:27:34,440
But that's her fear. Her fear is a response to my anger.

1111
01:27:34,440 --> 01:27:44,440
And so when I say, take a moment and do the I exercise and think about your own accountability, that's what I'm talking about.

1112
01:27:44,440 --> 01:27:51,440
My anger caused her fear. I have to know that. I have to understand that.

1113
01:27:51,440 --> 01:28:00,440
And at some point in time, I will make amends for it, or at least I hope I can.

1114
01:28:00,440 --> 01:28:08,440
Use my example. Use this moment. Use what I'm saying here to try to understand your own life.

1115
01:28:08,440 --> 01:28:18,440
Put it into your own situations. Put it into your own application and understand that anger is powerful

1116
01:28:18,440 --> 01:28:27,440
and will change your life for the worse or for the best if you allow it to, if you can harness it, if you can control it,

1117
01:28:27,440 --> 01:28:36,440
if you can use the energy that you get from it, it can be beautiful and it can change the world.

1118
01:28:36,440 --> 01:28:46,440
And that's what I'm about. And I hope if you're listening to this, that that is what you are about as well.

1119
01:28:46,440 --> 01:28:54,440
So now that we're moving on from anger, I'm going to go ahead and announce here. I will make it in the TikTok as well.

1120
01:28:54,440 --> 01:28:59,440
We're going to dive into a topic that I have for the next episode, episode 19.

1121
01:28:59,440 --> 01:29:05,440
We're going to dive into a topic that I've kind of avoided on purpose, but I want to start to get into it because I think that it's important.

1122
01:29:05,440 --> 01:29:09,440
It will be a multi-part topic, but I'm not going to do them all together.

1123
01:29:09,440 --> 01:29:18,440
So we're going to do a part one, not next week, the week after. And we're going to talk about parenting.

1124
01:29:18,440 --> 01:29:23,440
This is something that people have asked me to talk about. This is something that people have asked me to talk about in my TikTok lives.

1125
01:29:23,440 --> 01:29:30,440
This is something that people want me to make videos about. And we're going to go ahead and we're going to get into it.

1126
01:29:30,440 --> 01:29:35,440
We're going to get into it. And I'm going to talk about it from a lot of different angles and a lot of different perspectives.

1127
01:29:35,440 --> 01:29:48,440
As somebody who has parented three children to adulthood and more, I'm somebody who has a wealth of knowledge on this and something that I feel strongly about.

1128
01:29:48,440 --> 01:29:57,440
And I feel like I can help people with. But the reason I bring it up now is because, and the reason why it's important to bring up in the episode about anger is

1129
01:29:57,440 --> 01:30:06,440
you're going to disagree with some of the things I say. You're not going to like some of the things I say. And that's okay.

1130
01:30:06,440 --> 01:30:21,440
But do not come at me with anger because what that's going to show me right away. It sounds so bad to say this to my listening audience.

1131
01:30:21,440 --> 01:30:31,440
But if you respond to my episodes about parenting with anger, that shows me what kind of parent you are.

1132
01:30:31,440 --> 01:30:41,440
If you can't take constructive advice, if you can't take constructive criticism, how do you expect your child to?

1133
01:30:41,440 --> 01:30:50,440
I hope you heard my tone there. And I hope that you understand that I'm not going to pull any punches in these episodes about parenting.

1134
01:30:50,440 --> 01:30:57,440
I'm going to speak my mind and I'm going to say it in a way with an understanding of my background, which I will explain in those episodes.

1135
01:30:57,440 --> 01:31:07,440
I'm going to speak in a way that some folks are going to find dismissive. But I think I have a reason to and I think I have a right to.

1136
01:31:07,440 --> 01:31:17,440
So try to control your anger. Try to remember that this is my opinion. This is my outlook. You don't have to share it.

1137
01:31:17,440 --> 01:31:27,440
With that in mind, we're going to go out with one more quote and it's one of my favorite quotes and I certainly do agree with it.

1138
01:31:27,440 --> 01:31:38,440
You can ask anybody in my life. Phyllis Diller once said, never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

1139
01:31:38,440 --> 01:31:42,440
I appreciate you all very much. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed the episode.

1140
01:31:42,440 --> 01:31:48,440
I'll see you on TikTok and we're going to start getting out more videos on Instagram and on YouTube very, very soon.

1141
01:31:48,440 --> 01:32:16,440
So I hopefully will see you there as well. Take care of yourselves. Take care of others. I'll talk to you very soon.

1142
01:32:18,440 --> 01:32:46,440
Bye.

1143
01:32:48,440 --> 01:32:50,440
You