Hey folks, welcome back to a Pebble in a Pond podcast. This is episode 5. We're
gonna be talking about something that I am honestly just wholly unqualified to
talk about, but I have done a little bit of reading and I have a letter that
I want to share with everybody about the topic or on topic and I think that
you can get something out of this. I've put together what I think will be a
pretty interesting episode. The topic today is gonna be about self-love. I'm
not gonna lie, when I was a teenager if somebody would have said self-love I
would have laughed like beavers and butt-head because it would have meant an
entirely different thing back then, but I understand it now to mean something
entirely positive and in no way dirty. So we're gonna try to talk about that
version of it and not the one from when I was a teenager. But before we get
started, let's define it. What exactly are we talking about this episode? I
mean I said self-love, but what does that really mean? Well, you know, like I said,
it's an entirely different meaning than it was when I was a teenager. So to sum
it up, we'll go with the actual definition from the American Psychological
Association, not Psychology Association, Psychological
Association. And their definition of self-love is having regard for
your own well-being and contentment, looking out for yourself. You know, not
necessarily putting yourself number one, as a lot of social media therapists would
have you believe. It's not necessarily always about putting yourself number
one, it is about making yourself a priority in your life, but not
necessarily to a detriment of those around you. And we're gonna talk about
that. We're not just gonna, I'm not just gonna talk about self-love in a
completely and totally positive sense, we're gonna talk about how it's kind of
warped a little bit in some of the public discourse that you see on a lot
of social media and things like that. We're gonna talk a little bit about some
of the negative, I guess, the negative ideas and concepts that can come with it.
And I'm not gonna be critical of the concept here, so don't think of that. I
just want to make sure that everybody understands that there's, in any
discussion, there's always gonna be multiple sides to it. And it's important
that you understand as much of it as possible so that you can really get a
grasp of it for yourself. And some people are gonna say, oh no, I agree with the
negative parts, and some people are gonna agree with only the positive parts. But
it's important to have all of the information. So I'm gonna try my best to
kind of, you know, encapsulate what exactly we're talking about when we talk
about self-love. We're gonna talk about some ways that you can practice self-love
on a daily basis, some things you can do to really put yourself in a better
mindset and a better state of being every day of your life. And we're gonna
talk about some of the pitfalls and some of the traps that come with some of the
prescribed ideas that are out there floating around in the ether for people
that people kind of misconstrue. This episode on self-love is going to
lead directly into our next episode. Episode 6 will be about what I call the
main character syndrome. We're just gonna call it the main character. And we're
gonna talk about that. And the two concepts kind of go hand-in-hand, so
we're gonna do them back-to-back and talk about them. We'll discuss that more
later, but for now let's start with a quote before we get to the song. And this
quote is one that I actually found probably three weeks ago now that I'm
thinking about it. And I'm starting with this one because it has kind of just
rung in my head over and over again. I've thought about it pretty much non-stop
because I've been on kind of a journey of self-discovery for the past month,
month and a half now. And so this quote, there's no attributed person for it.
It just says Hindu proverb. So I hope if you're Hindu and you hear this
that I'm not offending anybody. I hope that that's true. I hope that this isn't
actually attributed to anybody and it is a Hindu proverb. But the quote goes,
there is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true
nobility is in being superior to your previous self. I can't tell you how hard
that hits me and how good it makes me feel on the choices I've been making
since I started this podcast and the TikToks and the other stuff that I've
been trying to do to get my message out. On a personal level, being completely
honest here, I feel like I'm making big strides in this in this area. And like I
said when I first started just a few minutes ago, I'm not really somebody
that has ever, how should we say, felt comfortable with the idea of self-love
coming from a depressive state, being depressed for, you know, two decades
basically. I'm not somebody who's practiced with these ideas and I'm not
somebody who necessarily even would recognize them if I wasn't reading them
and researching them. But seeing that quote made me realize that that's
exactly the journey that I'm on now. It's a journey of trying to better myself so
that I can be of more assistance and be stronger and be better for the people in
my life and the people that come in contact with me. And I hope, I hope that I
genuinely believe that if all of us can adopt that way of thinking, just even the
smallest amount of it, and start to make changes in our lives for the better and
make ourselves stronger and really focus on building ourselves and the people that
we love up, that we can change so much in this world as long as we're all doing it
together. And on that note, let's listen to some music.
I really, really do like that song. I'm really glad that we found that just to
continue to give credit where credit's due on that, that is a song called
Sardana. I don't think it's Sardana, but that's Sardana by Kevin McLeod. That is a
non-copyright, copywritten piece of music so I can use it. I just want to make sure
that if you're listening that dude gets credit because I really, really like that
song. Alright, so let's get into it. Let's start talking about this whole self-love
thing. What's it all about? What does it mean to you? I know that's a
genuine question. If you're listening to this, I want you to stop and think about
it for a second. What does self-love mean to you? What's your answer? Go ahead, say
it out loud. Affirm it. I want to know what you really think because it's
important that you understand what you believe it to be because it doesn't
really matter what I say here or what anybody else tells you. If you have a
shall we say a negative inclination towards the concept of self-love the way
that I have in the past, then you know that you need to do work, right? That's
what you're listening to this for. That's what we're going to try to
figure out. You need to really pay attention when we start going through
some of the things that you can do and the affirmations that you can make and
the just the little things that you can do to really make a difference in your
life. But if your answer is one that it comes from a place of you know maybe you
already have a concept or an idea of the things that you can do to better your
comfort and your contentment in your own skin and to make yourself happy, then
keep doing those things, right? Like no matter what I say here, no matter what
arguments I have for and against different practices, continue to do the
things that make you happy. Don't think that I necessarily know a better way or
that anybody knows a better way because that's the whole point of this. Self.
Self-love. If you know what makes you happy and what brings you to a better
place than you were even a day before or something that you are actively working
on as part of your journey to become a better person, you know the steps
you need to take, then keep working on it. Like don't, you don't have to derail
yourself because I say something or a therapist that you see on TikTok says
something. Do what is working for you. I hope that at any point in time, anybody
that hears these podcasts, anybody that hears what I have to say, understands
that these are all just ideas and suggestions. I'm not anything special. I'm
not a doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm not a therapist. I'm just here to start
the conversation. The conversation that I'm having with myself all the time, but
also a conversation that I'm hoping other people can join in on and we can
really start to make some progress both in ourselves and with each other. But I
really wanted to start, before we get too deep into reading the story that was
sent to me or any of the other stuff, I wanted to really hit on some of the
negative attributions that the term self-love has acquired. And a lot of this
is just people that don't really understand the concept, but some of it
there is validity to some of it and I think that it's important that we
understand that there has been a movement, maybe even you could consider
it an overcorrection by some people, to really push... I don't want to use
this term, but there's no other way I can think of it, to push damaging ideas and
narratives and use the term self-love at the same time. And so it kind of creates
this false premise of what self-love really means and what it really is and I
want to make sure that we talk about that. Now keep in mind, we're working
off of the definition from the American Psychological Association, right? Like
that's our baseline. Just having regard for your own well-being and
contentment. It's really that simple. Nowhere in that definition does it say
putting yourself number one over all else. Nowhere in that does it say
you are the main character of your own story and all others shall fall to the
wayside as NPCs in your game, right? Like that's not the
argument that should be made in favor of self-love and those are not
concepts that work very well with it. When we talk about self-love, we're
talking about making yourself content, but also in that contentment
understanding that, you know, there's always room for improvement. We're trying
to become better people. We're trying to become better versions of ourselves. Like
that quote said, we're trying to be superior to our previous self. Now that
previous self could be yourself from yesterday, it could be yourself from a
week ago, it could be yourself from five years ago, but if you were in the
same place you were five years ago, trust me, I know this better than most, then you
are not really practicing self-love. We really want to try to understand that
it's not, you know, of course contentment and happiness and things
like that are important, but sometimes self-love means pushing yourself to do
the things that are uncomfortable for a short period of time to find long-term
joy and comfort. Sometimes you have to step outside of your self-created bubbles
to really broaden your horizons and really start to understand exactly
where your happiness lies, because sometimes, and I think this is a lot more
common than people really want to say out loud, sometimes we don't know, and most
times we don't know. There are plenty of people that go through this world, they
are born, they live, and they die, and they never once truly understand what it
means to be happy or content. They'll have those brief moments here and there,
they'll have, you know, they'll smile and they'll laugh and they'll enjoy their
kids and their family, but they won't ever truly reach that kind of happiness
that inspires others, and that's really what we're aiming for here. That's
what I want to aim for. I want to be and I want to live a life that inspires
others, and I don't just want it to be me saying stuff, right? Like I want it to be
one where I am truly, genuinely enjoying life and living to its fullest. With that
in mind, you know, I've touched on this before, actually in the introduction
episode, if you haven't heard it, I've touched on this before. One of the most
influential pieces of literature in my life was Walden by Henry David Thoreau. I
read it front to back probably 18-20 times. I quote it incessantly. I believe
very, very strongly in some of the ideas in it, and between Emerson and Thoreau, a
lot of my worldview comes from those two gentlemen, for better and for worse,
honestly, because they definitely weren't flawless in some of their ideas. But
Thoreau has among his very famous quotes, the most famous is probably his I went
to the woods quote, and I'm gonna say it for you here. I know it by heart,
but I'm gonna pull it up here so that I make sure I don't miss anything because,
you know, I don't want to have to redo this. So Henry David Thoreau wrote,
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the
essential facts of life and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and
not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live
what was not life. Living is so dear, nor did I wish to practice resignation,
unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out the marrow of
life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to route all that
that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a
corner and reduce it to its lowest terms. For me, that paragraph quote, is the
basis of my self-love. When I think about that, and I think about what I've done in
my life, and where I've my regrets come from, that's where I find my strength to
move forward and try to learn how to love myself in a better way, and be more
positive towards myself, to be more forgiving towards myself. Because, and
this is speaking strictly as a man, the one thing I definitely do not want to do
is go to the grave knowing that I haven't mattered, and I haven't made a
difference. That's terrifying to me. That is my greatest fear. I mean, I
don't like spiders, I hate water, I'm not somebody you're gonna find
out at the beach or the ocean, but even though all of those things are things
that I can deal with, because while they're, you know, they are fears, they're
not something that literally terrifies me to the point of inaction. But the idea,
it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy when you think about it, the idea of
dying, of making my way to the grave and having not lived my life literally
terrified me to the point where I stopped living my life. When I think about
that, that is quite literally the definition of regret. Being so scared of
of living a life of no consequence, that you begin living a life of no consequence
because of your fear. But I'm not doing that anymore, and that's really what I'm
talking about when I talk about my particular journey of self-love. You know,
I had to find my way through 20 years of darkness to come, to break
through it and come out to where I am right now, which is sitting in front of a
microphone telling complete strangers about my darkest fears and my desire to
be a better person. This is like the weirdest form of therapy on the face of
the planet. But we're doing it, and we're gonna keep doing it, because I know that
there's people out there that are gonna hear this, and they're gonna identify
with it, and maybe it'll help. Maybe. Maybe it'll help. And so all I can do is
keep talking, and keep trying to talk about these things. And that's my
self-love journey. That's the whole point of all of this that I just
said, is that we all have to go through our own things. Mine is gonna be
talking to you guys and trying to give voice to maybe some people that don't
necessarily feel recognized, or don't, you know, buy into some of the
preconceived ideas that are floating around out there in the world, that have
kind of grabbed on to social media and things like that. I'm just trying to find
a little niche corner for people like myself to feel recognized and seen.
So with that in mind, let's get to this letter. I think that this is a
really good step to... or not good step, a good... well, I mean, you're just gonna have to
hear the letter. Honestly, it brought tears to my eyes, and I was deeply,
deeply moved by it. You can tell that the person that wrote it, wrote it for me to
read it here. They were very aware of the fact that I would be reading it, and I'm
gonna change the names on it. I'm assuming they already did, but I'm gonna
change them again just to make sure that, you know, there's no hurt feelings if
somebody happens upon it. But yeah, let's get to it. I'm gonna start reading.
This letter was titled, Being Kind to Yourself, or How I Learned to Stop
Worrying and Love Myself. I grew up not knowing who I was, and not knowing how to
love myself. My sister was a year ahead of me in school, and a much better
student. In my 30s, I would learn that I had ADHD, and that's why I had a hard
time paying attention in class. It explained a lot, but it didn't change the
fact that at the beginning of every school year, my teachers would excitedly
say, oh I remember your sister. Sometimes they would just call me Maggie's sister
instead of my actual name. When report cards came out, my parents would say, but
your sister made honor roll when I only had average grades. On the other hand, my
brother barely scraped by. He was held back in third grade and barely graduated
high school. When I would bring up something he did, they would cut me off
and tell me not to compare myself to him. At least he was five years
older, so I didn't often have the issue of having any of his old teachers, though
it might have been easier. It's not hard to look like the good student
when compared to him. My brother picked on my sister, who in turn picked on me,
and then he would pick on her for picking on me. I'm sure that's common of
many sibling relationships, but trust me when I say there was an extra layer of
issues with us. Regardless, my sister and I did usually get along. We had to. We
were allies against my brother when it got bad, which was often. When I was in
second grade, I had a crush on Tyler Johnson, the cutest boy in my class, and I
made the mistake of mentioning it at dinner one evening. My
brother and sister both made fun of me for it, and my mom didn't think to tell
them to knock it off. That was the day I realized that we were definitely not a
TV family. That was also the day I learned to keep things to myself. I know
we're not supposed to call girls bossy anymore, but growing up my sister
was bossy. Think Lucy from the Peanuts comics. We did get along though, usually,
but she was in charge, and that was that. She was also very opinionated, and would
make fun of most things I liked until I just kind of stopped having a lot of my
own opinions. I was the chubby kid, which was especially difficult in the 80s and
90s. I was the only one of my siblings with a weight problem. My brother was
tall and thin, and my sister was average, another thing she was better at. My mom
always bought junk food when we went shopping. Little Debbie's snack cake
rolls were my favorite. I liked to unroll them and eat the cream first, and then
the cake. Every once in a while I get nostalgic and consider buying a box when
I'm doing my own shopping, but I won't because they bring me back to a time
when I was so incredibly sad. Way deep under the surface where no one could see,
on multiple occasions back then my parents would gently, not really, suggest
I start watching what I eat, but those Swiss cake rolls were always in the
pantry come grocery day. In case you've never been a fat kid, you might not
understand the shame that this creates. It introduces you to the idea of hiding
food, and not too far beyond that is disordered eating, but most of all it's
the self-loathing that takes over, and oh boy did I learn to hate myself. I spent
my adolescence trying so hard to not be noticed, but at the same time was
desperate to be accepted. I yearned for normalcy. Making friends wasn't a huge
issue for me though. I've always had a few friends in each class. Aside from a
few shitty comments here and there, my time in school wasn't too bad until I
developed a very embarrassing medical situation in ninth grade. It's still hard
for me to talk about 30 years later, so I won't get into it here. Suffice it to say,
as embarrassing as it was, and as much as I needed medical intervention, I had
always learned that we just don't talk about certain things. I suffered alone,
until it was clear that it couldn't be ignored any longer. I eventually went to
the doctor, and was treated, but it happened with very little discussion
with my mom, and zero with my dad, which was fine with me. As a parent now, I could
never, but I guess I have the tools now that my parents, especially my mom, didn't.
My senior year was the first and only year I went to school without either of
my siblings. This is the year I started to try, I started trying to figure
myself out. I don't think most of us know who we are at that age, but for me, I
felt like I was starting from scratch. With very little exception, all of my
opinions were my sister's. I dressed how she dressed, I thought how she thought,
and I did what she did, but now it was time to break free. On the outside, I was
different, and I liked it that way, but on the inside, I so desperately wanted to
be like everyone else. Things seemed so easy for so many people, but I couldn't
figure it out, and unbeknownst to myself, or anyone else for that matter, I was so
incredibly sad. I went into my senior year with my sister's opinions on drugs
and alcohol, she was opposed, and I ended my senior year a smoker and a drinker. My
friends had all talked about the parties they had over the weekends, and how much
they drank, and I was not about that life. I mean, that's what I would say, but
again, I just wanted to be accepted, and sure, they did accept me as their friend
in class, but once I started drinking, I started getting invited to the parties.
It was at one of these parties that I decided to take up smoking. I had always
been curious, but of course, I knew better, but it was also the mid-90s, and
that's what people did. I was holding my friend's cigarette for some reason, and
when I tried to give it back, she said she didn't want it anymore, so I said I'd
finish it, and that was my first, but not my last. Fortunately somehow, I never
became addicted. I was also hanging out with co-workers from my fast-food job,
who I should not have been hanging out with. These weren't good people, but I was
very naive, and I thought I was okay. Without getting too deep into it, there
were multiple situations which could have ended up badly, but fortunately did
not. Not as bad as they could have, I should say, but things did happen that I
wish didn't, and to give you an idea of my mental state around that time, the
moment that sticks with me the most is this. There was a band signing autographs
at a local record shop. The local radio station was there giving away t-shirts,
and there was an entry to win an autograph to guitar. There couldn't have
been more than 25 people there, if that, and you had to be present to win, so I
had just as good a shot as anyone else to win that guitar, only I didn't enter. If
they called my name, I would have had to walk up to claim my prize, and everyone
would have looked at me. Not only did I not want people looking at me, I was so
uncomfortable in my own skin that I wanted people to look away from me. No
one in our group won the guitar. Walking out to the car, I reluctantly
mentioned that I didn't enter, and they just couldn't wrap their heads around
why not. Okay, that was probably a lot, but I tell you all of this because I want
you to know where I came from, so you can understand just how fragile my mental
state was for so long. Anyone can spout platitudes, but I have been in the depths
of some serious depression, and I'm coming to you from the other side of it.
But how did I get here? It started with a friend who gave a shit. I mean, I guess
it's fair to say that I had a few people who gave a shit, but not like him. He was
the only one who really knew how to get through to me, and how to get me to see
my value. I had so much pain and sadness in me, and he was there with shoulders to
cry on and hugs for days. Hugs that I had to learn how to receive. He gave a shit,
and never expected anything in return. I couldn't pay him back if I tried. His
pebble created so many ripples in my life, I am forever grateful. I genuinely
do not know what kind of person I would be right now if I did not have him in my
life. Because of his friendship and love, I was able to learn to love myself, and
more importantly, break the cycle for my own child. At 22 years old, my kid and I
never part without saying I love you. Never. On the phone, in person, even if
she's just going to get the mail. It's a habit. If the worst were to happen, the
last thing I want either of us to feel is regret that we didn't say, that we
didn't say it one last time. Society and advertising and patriarchy make it
really hard to raise a daughter with confidence. I know I've had some misses,
but she knows who she is. She has the confidence to assert herself and a huge
amount of empathy. She's been in a very healthy relationship for about five
years now. They've had some issues like every other couple, but their
communication is amazing, especially for their age, which is something that she
had to teach him. My daughter and her boyfriend have a very healthy
relationship because I had a friend who gave enough of a shit about me to watch
me cry a lot and to tell me I'm worthy until I started to believe in for
myself. Now I believe in giving credit where credit is due. As much as I credit
him for helping me see my worth, you damn sure better believe that I credit myself
for making that change. You can lead a horse to water and all that. He gave me
the tools and he showed me how to use them and I did just that. There's also
there also came a point when I realized that I needed more and I started seeing
a therapist who really helped me put things into perspective, but I couldn't
have had the confidence to advocate for myself like that without his help
initially. And after some time in therapy and really working on myself,
when shit would go south that was beyond my control, I realized I could also
benefit from antidepressants. After some trial and error I found what works best
for me. If you're hesitant to try medication I totally get it, I do, but I
can honestly tell you that all of this all this pill does for me is keep me at
an even keel. It keeps me from crying because we ran out of turkey for my
sandwich. That is a real story by the way. It helps me handle the shit that
life throws at me daily. I had developed confidence and learned how to break the
cycle, but I didn't really know yet how to truly show myself kindness and grace.
It's a fairly recent discovery actually which started with my relationship with
food and my body. Like so many of us I've been on one diet or another for most of
my adult life. I'm really good at losing weight, the problem is I'm also really
good at finding it again. So I'm the Saint Anthony of dieting. You know how we
tend to make excuses for certain things like, yeah I've lost ten pounds, I still
have more to go though, or simply I've only lost ten pounds. I heard someone
once say what if we just stopped the sentence after I lost ten pounds, just
stop talking and let it sink in, drop the only, let's say the rest. I think we are
unconsciously looking for other people's approval, but why? Fucking good for you
for losing ten pounds. I bet you worked your ass off, well done. Say the good
thing and drop the bad. It gets easier every time. You never need permission to
love yourself or to just be happy with your accomplishments and fuck anyone who
makes you feel otherwise. Like anything else it takes practice and grace. Grace is
key because you're not perfect. You're probably not the type to give someone
shit when they make a mistake. You would probably never consider telling someone
that their ten pound weight loss is not enough. If you're paying attention to my
rambling you might be the type of person who genuinely tries to lift people up
and make them feel good. So how are you not deserving of the same grace and love?
I promise you you are so worth it. I know I am. I know a lot of us also have
paths that we're not proud of, things we've done or people we've wronged. I
don't think I'm the best person to discuss making amends but I can tell you
that you are not your past. You can't change what you did but you can take
steps to be better. We are made up by our past experiences but they do not define
who we are today. I promise you that if you just focus on doing the next right
thing you'll get there. Don't try to change overnight. Give yourself some grace.
What if just once today instead of saying the negative as well you only say
the positive. Just once. No affirmations, no mantras, just no negativity. And if
that feels good try it again. Do the next right thing. I also try not to worry
about what people think of me which I know is much easier said than done.
Ultimately though I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea and that's okay. I
will never wish anyone ill will and the last thing I ever want to do is be
disrespectful. But I don't have to be friends with everyone and neither do you.
I think about young me a lot and so much of what I do is for her. Someone asked me
recently what I would say to my young self if I could. I wouldn't say anything.
I would just give her a hug because she really needed one. I live my life now
just trying to be the adult that she needed. She didn't deserve the pain she
felt and neither do you. I wish I could do the work for you but I can't. This
one's on you I'm afraid. But I promise you, you can do this. Little by little you
will get there. I want so much for you to feel the peace that I feel. You deserve
peace. Just like the tiny ripples make big change so do tiny steps. Just take
one step now. I'm here with you to make sure you don't fall. You are worth it. I
promise. I'm not even gonna try to lie. I had to stop reading that multiple times.
When I first got it I cried. I cried a lot reading it and then just now trying
to record it. I'm sure you guys heard me kind of breaking up and and stammering
with it a little bit. I hope whoever wrote it is gonna hear this and I hope
that I did some justice in reading it. That's powerful shit and that is a
journey. I can't thank you enough for sending that. And while I have you
listening, not just you but anybody listening, I would love to be able to
read more. I would love to be able to tell more stories. They don't have to be
large, you know, 20 minute stories like that. But if you have any stories of
kindness or life-changing events like that, you know, or you just want to tell
your backstory. If you just want me to read your backstory and you know your
your story about how you've come to be who you are, I'll change names and I'll
I'll do all the hiding of identities and things like that. You can email me. We
have a we set up an email just for that. It's a pebble in a pond. Let me make sure
I have that right. Apebbleinapondstories.gmail.com. We haven't set up an email
for just you know like stories at a pebble in a pond yet. We'll get to that at
some point but for now it's apebbleinapondstories.gmail.com. So if
you're hearing this and you have a story that you'd like to add or something
you'd like to contribute to another episode, I may not you know get it in the
next episode but we will we will find an episode and I will make sure that your
stories get read and that you are part of this journey. So we're gonna we're
gonna dive right into the next phase here and we're gonna talk about some
things that you can do, some exercises that should be pretty easy. Just stuff
you can do every day that are going to help you realize your own value and
really you know understand how to find your peace and your contentment and
your happiness. One thing to keep in mind when you start to go through these
things and you start to do this is and this is a really simple concept. I maybe
I should have started with this the whole podcast. You're with you all
the time so you better like yourself. It's really important. It is really really
important to love yourself and obviously be understanding of your shortcomings as
well. Understand that you know like in that letter that person was you know she
was she was a heavyset young girl and she understood that was you know that
was a defining characteristic in her life and she has grown to the point
where she understands that that does not define who she is. It defined her
past. It created sadness and you know insecurities but it didn't it didn't it
doesn't define her now and all she could do is learn to grow from that and she
did and that's a triumph right like that's that's what we're trying to do.
We're trying to find where our insecurities lie. Find the things that we
maybe aren't too proud of. Find the things that we know we need to work on
and don't focus on them. Don't don't berate yourself and belittle yourself
because you know whatever it may be whether it's a personality flaw or a
physical thing whatever it may be it doesn't really matter. You just need to
know that it's there. Know what your shortcomings are and then say I love
myself enough that I'm gonna work on this. I want to change. I don't maybe maybe
you have to start with I don't know how to. Maybe you have to make sure that
that's understood but that's what we're here for right like that's the whole
point of listening to these things of of trying to find a new direction. If you're
listening to this right now and you understand that there's changes that you
need to make you've taken a great first step because you're looking right you're
searching for those answers and that's more than most people do in their lives.
You should be very proud of yourself if you're looking to make changes. It is not
easy. It is not easy to just take that very very first step. That is one of the
hardest things you'll ever do. So we're talking about building confidence and
self-respect and self-worth and you just using the idea of self-love to really
you know strengthen the love that you have for yourself and in doing all of
this and understanding these concepts inside of yourself you will find that
you have more love for the people around you. You'll be able to better communicate
and better appreciate the things around you that you see. You'll know when
someone is crossing a boundary for you. You'll understand your values better and
be able to protect yourself in a way that you know shows how much you
value yourself. You know you're not gonna let people walk all over you and treat
you like dirt if you know your own value. So how do you do that?
Like what's the first step? Well you know like I said I may not be the best
person to give this advice but I did a decent amount of research.
I've spent more than a few hours more than a few hours just reading
different ideas and different concepts because like I said I'm on the journey
myself. It is not something that I have been practiced at for too long. So what
I've done and what a lot of therapists and such would recommend is start with
really simple stuff and for me I have taken to just doing a little bit more
exercise. Understand that how you eat, the amount of sleep that you get, the
amount of activity that you have in your life physically. Those are all things
that are for most people relatively simple and I don't mean like you know
you don't have to go to the gym and you know get get swole. You don't have to go
worry about your gains necessarily but you you know getting up and going for a
walk will dramatically dramatically change your life. Just just getting up
and going for a walk in the morning or maybe in the evening after you have
dinner. Those things or both if you can do both man your life will
change rapidly. Understand that regular exercise this is scientifically
speaking it decreases cortisol in your body. Cortisol is the hormone that
creates or that causes stress. It causes you to feel stress. If you can reduce
the amount of cortisol in your body then you are by definition winning. So just
keep that in mind like just keeping yourself your body. You don't have to be
like fit. I'm not I'm not gonna force everybody to get out there like I said
and get to the gym and all that stuff. I mean that would be great if you want to
do that. If that's what that's where you find your peace. If that's if that's one
of the things that makes you happy then that's great. This advice is you know
preach into the choir. But for a lot of us that just live normal lives that
don't necessarily want to go to the gym every day just getting out and going for
a walk. Man that does so much it's done a lot for me. You know I was I was 236
pounds. The heaviest I've ever been was 268 pounds and I'm I'm just under 6 foot
so that is really really big. And I was able to you know through different means
I was able to get down to where my average weight for a long period of time
was about 230. But when all of the things that happened that basically brought
about this podcast when I started to go through this extreme depression and
things like that I actually did lose a lot of weight just because of anxiety
and depression. Which isn't great I mean I'm not that's not not the diet that you
want to be on but it allowed me to kind of regain control of my relationship
with food and the exercise that I was doing and things like that. And so so far
I've been able to maintain a weight that honestly I haven't had since just out of
high school. So I'm feeling good and seeing the results of you know just that
those very basic concepts of taking care of myself and showing self-love. I'm
immediately seeing returns on them. So I can't I can't stress enough how
important this very first piece of advice is. If you can if you have the
ability if you just take the time to a 10-minute walk in the morning if you're
a morning person and you want to get up and get moving 10-minute walk in the
morning change your life I promise you. And if you can't get out in the morning
then do it you know after you eat. It's it's it's really good for you to go and
walk after you eat. Very very good for you. So it not only that but if you go
for a walk with someone a significant other some friends it's like it has the
same effect as going on a road trip. Everybody loves going on road trips
because of the conversations that you end up having with your friends or
whoever you're with. It's the same same thing you go for regular walks with
somebody and that brings about this closeness that is I mean it transcends
just a normal you know relationship conversation a lot of times. And that
shared time knowing that you're both bettering yourselves and each other is
invaluable. It really is. So the next the next thing that I want to mention and I
already did mention it just a few minutes ago is being compassionate
about your own shortcomings. This is this is an actual step that you can take. You
can do this consciously. This isn't just me saying oh be nice to yourself. This is
literally something that you can you can actually practice. You really want to try
to like I said understand your shortcomings but also understand that
everybody has them right. Like everybody has things they're not good at or
different things that you know maybe the way they think or the the there's
something wrong with their body that they don't like. But at the end of the
day it's how we view those things inside of ourselves that will determine whether
or not we can move beyond them or we can we can learn to accept them. So it's
important when you you know make mistakes or have shortcomings in some
way that you understand that these are these this is a common human condition
right. Like everybody's happens for everybody. Everybody's going through
something. Everybody's making mistakes. Everybody's trying to figure it out. And
as long as you can root yourself in that common humanity you'll find that it's a
lot easier to not only express kindness to others but to express kindness for
yourself right. You're only human. You can only do you only be expected to do
so much. And at some level once you've once you've accepted that then you can
start to say okay well I fell short here. I wasn't I wasn't up to where I'd like
to be. How do I how do I get there? And like that letter said like it's one step
at a time. You're not going to be able to go from zero to perfect right. You're
not going to be able to go from five to perfect. You're gonna have to get there
gradually and it's it's just being patient and understanding with yourself.
The same kind of patience and understanding that you would show
someone else if you were trying to help them show that to yourself. That's really
what this is all about. If you're listening to this episode you're
listening to this podcast then I have to imagine that you're somebody of good
character or you're trying to be. And that means you know helping people
taking them by the hand really being compassionate. So if you can do that for
someone else you have to be able to do it for yourself because unfortunately
the way this works is if you continue if you just continually give give give of
yourself to other people and you don't take care of you you're gonna be trying
to pour water from an empty cup. You're gonna run out. You're not gonna be able
to keep it up and then you're gonna start to doubt yourself and it becomes
this vicious cycle of you know you hurting yourself literally hurting
yourself to try to help others and we can't have that. You have to be building
yourself up and loving yourself and reinforcing the positive parts of
yourself so that you can feed off of that and then you can start to help
others. You have to not make yourself a priority to the at the expense of
others. You make yourself a priority to for the sole purpose of being able to
help others. Right? Like that's where we're at. That's what we're trying to do.
So remember that. If you if you have a hard time motivating yourself for you, if
if that's not enough, if you don't have enough love for yourself, then reframe it
and and and try to understand that like I said this is a shared human experience
and you're trying to help people through their problems but you cannot do it
unless you help yourself. So if you really do have that and I've I've this is
how I feel a lot of times if you kind of have that altruism in you where you're
you really genuinely feel like you can't help yourself but you can help others,
turn that around and say okay I desperately want to help others. How do I
do that? I have to help myself. I have to do this for others. I have to make sure
that I'm getting an extra hour sleep, that I'm getting up and going for a walk,
that I'm taking care of myself, that I'm not too judgmental, that I'm not hating
on myself when I wouldn't do that to somebody else. Why would I do that to me?
You hear that all the time, right? People say it all the time. Oh I'm my own worst
critic. Well stop it. I know that's your natural reaction. That's a natural
response but you need to stop. Like take a second and say don't don't allow that.
Say yeah I can be critical of myself but not to the point where it causes me to
doubt myself or hate myself or any of those things. I can be critical and say
like I said that was a shortcoming. I didn't I did I wasn't up to snuff there. I
need to get better but if it if it creates a cycle of self-destruction then
you have to break it up. You have to find that that path and if that means
directing it you know direct siphoning the the sentiment through someone else
then that's what it means. Help others by helping yourself and and remember that
another key component of this is when you do mess up and you are gonna mess up
you're gonna say things that are gonna hurt people's feelings. You're gonna fall
short of the things that you have the boundaries that you've set for yourself.
You're going to make mistakes in dealing with yourself and other people that are
gonna cause pain and you have to be willing to forgive yourself. You have to
be willing to forgive yourself. Let me say it one more time. You have to be
willing to forgive yourself. This goes for everybody and I know there's people
that are gonna listen to this that desperately need that message. I know
there are because I know the people that I know most of the people that are
regularly listening to this and that's not to say that only my friends listen
to the podcast but I know that some of them do and this message is directly for
you if you're listening. You need to forgive yourself. That's that's step one
for you. You have to forgive yourself so that you can begin to love yourself. You
are not this horrible person that you've allowed others to create in your head.
You are very very good and very strong and you need to forgive you know the
shortcomings you've had in the past. You need to move past it. That goes for
everybody. I know that what I just said can ring true for so many people so if
it hits you let it hit you because it's important that you forgive yourself.
Step one for a lot of people in a journey of self-love is forgiving
themselves. Another another thing that I want to talk about as we start to wrap
this up is the people that you surround yourself with and I've touched on this
in some of my TikToks I've done and I've touched on this in some of the other
episodes but the people that you surround yourself with says a lot about
you and about how you're valuing this journey of self-love and I can't stress
this enough. You need to surround yourself with supportive loving people
but and I want to make sure this is very clear don't surround yourself with
people that are gonna lie to you to tell you what you want to hear. There is a way
to communicate I don't even want to say criticisms but there's a way to
communicate with someone that they have fallen short or that they are they could
do better and that's that's what you need right you need somebody in your
life that's willing to let you know when you're when you're not making making the
cut right like it's it may be hard to hear but sometimes we get so lost in
ourselves we get so caught up in you know the little things that we don't
really see the big picture we don't really understand you know the whole
forest for the trees thing sometimes you need that person in your life that's
going to say hey hey whoa like to think about that for a second right you don't
need people that are just going to constantly reinforce what you what you
are does that make sense there are a lot of us that have a lot of shortcomings
and a lot of imperfections and if we are constantly told that we're perfect
the way that we are then we begin to accept those things as inevitable
inevitabilities we we begin to say well this is who I am and that means that we
stop doing the work to be better and that is that is unacceptable for the
journey that you're trying that you say you're trying to be on right like your
self-love is about finding contentment and if you have people around you that
are quote supportive to a detriment that are filling you with false confidence
in what you're doing then you're not really you're not really getting to a
point of contentment you're just staying where you are you're not really
expanding yourself or getting better you're just staying whatever it was you
are because these people will lie to you to tell you that you're you know the
best thing since sliced bread and you're not right you have to be honest with
yourself and you have to be willing to say you know I really wish you wouldn't
lie to me I really wish you wouldn't say these things because I don't feel that
way and I want to be able to work on myself I want and I want you to support
me as I work on myself and that's what we need right we need honesty and we
need we need criticism to come from a place of love so that we can continue to
move forward and get better and if you surround yourself with people that just
want to lie to you to make you feel good that's not really supportive and that's
not really loving people that love you and people that care about you will tell
you the truth and they will hold your hand and they will be by your side and
they will help you every step of the way if you need it or if you want it they
will be there with you and you know you can count on them because they're not
gonna lie to you and they're not gonna say things just to spare your feelings
they're gonna say this may hurt your feelings you you sucked here let's not
do that anymore let's try to find a way so that you don't suck as much that's
what love and support means to me and I and I hope that if you're listening to
this that you feel the same thing because if you surround yourself
sycophants and liars then that's all you will ever be you will become that and
that's all you will ever be you'll continually lie to yourself you will
continually look towards platitudes instead of real genuine personal change
you'll hide from the truth of it just to feel good in the moment instead of
making the hard moves that you need to make for truly expressing self-love and
that's counterproductive to everything we're trying to do in this podcast and
just in general in our lives so I hope I hope that some of those little things
will help some of you the exercise the idea that you need to forgive yourself
and you need to love yourself those are very basic ideas so I'm gonna leave well
I'm going to suggest one more thing and then we'll finish finish this up because
I've run way over where I wanted to but I think that this is important and this
is gonna require some homework but I think that this is a really good
practice I think this is something and it may take you a while to do this but I
think that'll give you a really good understanding of who you are so get get
yourself a piece of paper or you can use your computer your phone if you want to
but it's better it's better to sit and write it I think I want you to sit down
you know clear your mind take some deep breaths try to try to find a quiet
moment if you can do it and then I want you to list on this piece of paper eight
things that you love about yourself now these these could be physical attributes
if you if there's something that you feel strongly about but for the most
part try to try to focus on you know what who you are if you're somebody
who's you know really charismatic write down charisma if you're somebody who
you know you feel like you're very empathetic then write down empathy right
you know whatever it may be I want you to write down eight things about
yourself that you you genuinely love and if it takes you a while if it's
something that you know you have to really really focus on for a while if it
takes you a couple of days to find eight things that's fine like that's no
judgment here like just that's fine take your time with it the things that you
genuinely like about yourself write down those eight things and then the next
step is under each of those eight things like leave a little space between them
but under each of those eight things write something about how that trait has
benefited you how it has made a difference in your life whether it be a
full story or a moment whatever whatever it needs to be if you are somebody who
is very empathetic then you know say it well my empathy I was able to help so
and so with you know because I knew that they were feeling pain and I you know
just something like that it doesn't have to I'm not gonna read it nobody else is
gonna read it's just for you so don't worry about you know anybody else
anybody else's judgment on it just write down what those particular traits and do
it for each one of them like I said this could take you a while so take your time
with it and really think about it if if you if you say that courage is one of
your traits well where did that courage come in handy you know give me an
example of that were you were you in the military did you know things like that
lose there are you you know a firefighter like the courage are there's
something there but it could be a simple matter of you know finding courage in
you know going up and writing something on a chalkboard or you know whatever it
may be like the courage to express yourself however it works in your mind
whatever those traits are find real-life examples of them helping you and then
the last thing I want you to do now that you've got your list of eight qualities
and things that they have done to help you in your life is just at the bottom
of the page I want you to come up with it doesn't have to be any certain number
you don't have to do it for each trait but I want you to come up with ways that
you can really show appreciation to yourself really honor these traits
inside of yourself you know if you are somebody that will keep using the
empathy thing if you're somebody who is really empathetic then you know maybe I
don't know give yourself a treat of some sort you know go get go to a spa go do
something and just say this is for being this if if if you feel like going you
know going for a walk in a garden or doing doing something special for
yourself to honor those traits it doesn't have to be anything crazy it can
just be you know simple as I'm gonna take three minutes every day to focus on
this trait and and and remind myself that this is a strength of mine this is
something that I can do and I'm gonna try to focus on it I'm gonna try to
honor this trait inside of myself I promise you that if you can sit down and
you can do this there are two things are gonna happen first of all you're
probably gonna cry because I mean it's just that's just how this works like that
kind of self reflection and that kind of introspection is gonna lead you to tears
and that's a good thing so let that let that shit out like don't hold it back
and it's gonna give you a real a real appreciation for yourself in a way that
maybe you have never really thought about and I'm not gonna lie to you I've
done the exercise for myself and that maybe in another episode I will actually
go through it with you because I don't really have anything to hide but I've
run out of time on this episode obviously but I think that I think that
it's good to share these things and and once you're done once you've finished
this exercise a good way of understanding you know somebody that
you're you're you're with in your life is to have them do the exercise as well
don't don't keep this to yourself like if you can have other people do it and
if you're not ashamed of what you think which you shouldn't be because these are
things that you love about yourself share it like obviously you don't want
to deal with people's judgment about your handwriting or your the way that
you wrote the things what you know whatever but as long as you get there
somebody that's safe and isn't gonna judge you share this share this with
people you know hand them your sheet and they can hand you their sheet and you
can read it or even better you can before you trade off they can write eight
things they love about you and you can write eight things you love about them
this is an exercise that is is great on your own because it really does build up
some true self-appreciation and self-love but that doesn't mean you have
to just keep it to yourself this is something you can do with somebody else
it's almost like a game it's like a BuzzFeed game one of the you know one of
those stupid quizzes they used to do or maybe they still do them I don't know
but it's like that where you know you you once you start to see these these
aspects of each other you really start to appreciate you know this is how this
person sees themself and if maybe there's there's qualities on there that
you haven't really noticed and if this is something you do with your significant
other I mean that gives you a really strong idea of not just how they think
about themselves but how you can focus on these attributes that they love about
themselves and you can say okay well if you love the fact that you're empathetic
then let's let's flex that muscle let's let's go places where you can you know
really do that and you'll find that the support and the love that you can draw
out with each other I mean it's a life-changing experience if you do it with
honesty and compassion and love and that includes for yourself and for the people
that you do it with so I think we're gonna wrap it up there obviously I'm not
gonna wrap it up without a quote because that's what I do so we're gonna go right
to the source here we're gonna go to one of my favorite all-time quotes and I'm
gonna leave you with this we're gonna end with this hard-hitting quote from
Winnie the Pooh he said the things that make me different are the things that
make me me so remember that you're not like anyone else in this universe you're
the only one of you that exists and you're the only one that truly knows how
you need to be loved so please do it take the time to learn enough about
yourself and to appreciate who and what you are because you are powerful and the
effect that you can have on the people around you and this world at large is
phenomenal love yourself it is the first love that you should ever have and the
most important love that you will ever know next week we're gonna piggyback off
of this and we're gonna talk about this concept that has been going around for
quite some time now of the main character and we're gonna talk about the
good things and the bad things that go along with this way of thinking and so
you may be familiar with this it's it's gone gone around quite a bit but we're
gonna talk about it and I am I'm very much on the fence so there will be a
lot of positive and a lot of negative when we discuss it but I think I think I
have a pretty interesting take on it I've had a long a couple of long
discussions with some people and I really do think that I think you'll
enjoy it so check us out next week where we're gonna be talking about the main
character syndrome philosophy idea I didn't know what to call it the main
character is what we're gonna call it so thank you for listening and hopefully
we'll talk to you next week take care
I