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Hey folks, welcome back to a Pebble in a Pond podcast. This is episode 5. We're

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gonna be talking about something that I am honestly just wholly unqualified to

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talk about, but I have done a little bit of reading and I have a letter that

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I want to share with everybody about the topic or on topic and I think that

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you can get something out of this. I've put together what I think will be a

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pretty interesting episode. The topic today is gonna be about self-love. I'm

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not gonna lie, when I was a teenager if somebody would have said self-love I

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would have laughed like beavers and butt-head because it would have meant an

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entirely different thing back then, but I understand it now to mean something

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entirely positive and in no way dirty. So we're gonna try to talk about that

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version of it and not the one from when I was a teenager. But before we get

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started, let's define it. What exactly are we talking about this episode? I

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mean I said self-love, but what does that really mean? Well, you know, like I said,

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it's an entirely different meaning than it was when I was a teenager. So to sum

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it up, we'll go with the actual definition from the American Psychological

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Association, not Psychology Association, Psychological

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Association. And their definition of self-love is having regard for

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your own well-being and contentment, looking out for yourself. You know, not

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necessarily putting yourself number one, as a lot of social media therapists would

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have you believe. It's not necessarily always about putting yourself number

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one, it is about making yourself a priority in your life, but not

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necessarily to a detriment of those around you. And we're gonna talk about

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that. We're not just gonna, I'm not just gonna talk about self-love in a

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completely and totally positive sense, we're gonna talk about how it's kind of

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warped a little bit in some of the public discourse that you see on a lot

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of social media and things like that. We're gonna talk a little bit about some

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of the negative, I guess, the negative ideas and concepts that can come with it.

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And I'm not gonna be critical of the concept here, so don't think of that. I

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just want to make sure that everybody understands that there's, in any

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discussion, there's always gonna be multiple sides to it. And it's important

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that you understand as much of it as possible so that you can really get a

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grasp of it for yourself. And some people are gonna say, oh no, I agree with the

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negative parts, and some people are gonna agree with only the positive parts. But

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it's important to have all of the information. So I'm gonna try my best to

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kind of, you know, encapsulate what exactly we're talking about when we talk

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about self-love. We're gonna talk about some ways that you can practice self-love

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on a daily basis, some things you can do to really put yourself in a better

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mindset and a better state of being every day of your life. And we're gonna

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talk about some of the pitfalls and some of the traps that come with some of the

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prescribed ideas that are out there floating around in the ether for people

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that people kind of misconstrue. This episode on self-love is going to

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lead directly into our next episode. Episode 6 will be about what I call the

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main character syndrome. We're just gonna call it the main character. And we're

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gonna talk about that. And the two concepts kind of go hand-in-hand, so

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we're gonna do them back-to-back and talk about them. We'll discuss that more

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later, but for now let's start with a quote before we get to the song. And this

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quote is one that I actually found probably three weeks ago now that I'm

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thinking about it. And I'm starting with this one because it has kind of just

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rung in my head over and over again. I've thought about it pretty much non-stop

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because I've been on kind of a journey of self-discovery for the past month,

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month and a half now. And so this quote, there's no attributed person for it.

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It just says Hindu proverb. So I hope if you're Hindu and you hear this

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that I'm not offending anybody. I hope that that's true. I hope that this isn't

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actually attributed to anybody and it is a Hindu proverb. But the quote goes,

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there is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true

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nobility is in being superior to your previous self. I can't tell you how hard

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that hits me and how good it makes me feel on the choices I've been making

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since I started this podcast and the TikToks and the other stuff that I've

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been trying to do to get my message out. On a personal level, being completely

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honest here, I feel like I'm making big strides in this in this area. And like I

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said when I first started just a few minutes ago, I'm not really somebody

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that has ever, how should we say, felt comfortable with the idea of self-love

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coming from a depressive state, being depressed for, you know, two decades

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basically. I'm not somebody who's practiced with these ideas and I'm not

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somebody who necessarily even would recognize them if I wasn't reading them

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and researching them. But seeing that quote made me realize that that's

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exactly the journey that I'm on now. It's a journey of trying to better myself so

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that I can be of more assistance and be stronger and be better for the people in

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my life and the people that come in contact with me. And I hope, I hope that I

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genuinely believe that if all of us can adopt that way of thinking, just even the

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smallest amount of it, and start to make changes in our lives for the better and

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make ourselves stronger and really focus on building ourselves and the people that

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we love up, that we can change so much in this world as long as we're all doing it

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together. And on that note, let's listen to some music.

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I really, really do like that song. I'm really glad that we found that just to

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continue to give credit where credit's due on that, that is a song called

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Sardana. I don't think it's Sardana, but that's Sardana by Kevin McLeod. That is a

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non-copyright, copywritten piece of music so I can use it. I just want to make sure

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that if you're listening that dude gets credit because I really, really like that

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song. Alright, so let's get into it. Let's start talking about this whole self-love

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thing. What's it all about? What does it mean to you? I know that's a

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genuine question. If you're listening to this, I want you to stop and think about

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it for a second. What does self-love mean to you? What's your answer? Go ahead, say

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it out loud. Affirm it. I want to know what you really think because it's

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important that you understand what you believe it to be because it doesn't

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really matter what I say here or what anybody else tells you. If you have a

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shall we say a negative inclination towards the concept of self-love the way

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that I have in the past, then you know that you need to do work, right? That's

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what you're listening to this for. That's what we're going to try to

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figure out. You need to really pay attention when we start going through

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some of the things that you can do and the affirmations that you can make and

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the just the little things that you can do to really make a difference in your

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life. But if your answer is one that it comes from a place of you know maybe you

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already have a concept or an idea of the things that you can do to better your

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comfort and your contentment in your own skin and to make yourself happy, then

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keep doing those things, right? Like no matter what I say here, no matter what

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arguments I have for and against different practices, continue to do the

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things that make you happy. Don't think that I necessarily know a better way or

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that anybody knows a better way because that's the whole point of this. Self.

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Self-love. If you know what makes you happy and what brings you to a better

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place than you were even a day before or something that you are actively working

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on as part of your journey to become a better person, you know the steps

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you need to take, then keep working on it. Like don't, you don't have to derail

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yourself because I say something or a therapist that you see on TikTok says

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something. Do what is working for you. I hope that at any point in time, anybody

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that hears these podcasts, anybody that hears what I have to say, understands

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that these are all just ideas and suggestions. I'm not anything special. I'm

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not a doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm not a therapist. I'm just here to start

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the conversation. The conversation that I'm having with myself all the time, but

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also a conversation that I'm hoping other people can join in on and we can

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really start to make some progress both in ourselves and with each other. But I

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really wanted to start, before we get too deep into reading the story that was

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sent to me or any of the other stuff, I wanted to really hit on some of the

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negative attributions that the term self-love has acquired. And a lot of this

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is just people that don't really understand the concept, but some of it

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there is validity to some of it and I think that it's important that we

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understand that there has been a movement, maybe even you could consider

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it an overcorrection by some people, to really push... I don't want to use

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this term, but there's no other way I can think of it, to push damaging ideas and

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narratives and use the term self-love at the same time. And so it kind of creates

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this false premise of what self-love really means and what it really is and I

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want to make sure that we talk about that. Now keep in mind, we're working

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off of the definition from the American Psychological Association, right? Like

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that's our baseline. Just having regard for your own well-being and

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contentment. It's really that simple. Nowhere in that definition does it say

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putting yourself number one over all else. Nowhere in that does it say

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you are the main character of your own story and all others shall fall to the

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wayside as NPCs in your game, right? Like that's not the

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argument that should be made in favor of self-love and those are not

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concepts that work very well with it. When we talk about self-love, we're

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talking about making yourself content, but also in that contentment

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understanding that, you know, there's always room for improvement. We're trying

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to become better people. We're trying to become better versions of ourselves. Like

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that quote said, we're trying to be superior to our previous self. Now that

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previous self could be yourself from yesterday, it could be yourself from a

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week ago, it could be yourself from five years ago, but if you were in the

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same place you were five years ago, trust me, I know this better than most, then you

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are not really practicing self-love. We really want to try to understand that

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it's not, you know, of course contentment and happiness and things

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like that are important, but sometimes self-love means pushing yourself to do

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the things that are uncomfortable for a short period of time to find long-term

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joy and comfort. Sometimes you have to step outside of your self-created bubbles

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to really broaden your horizons and really start to understand exactly

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where your happiness lies, because sometimes, and I think this is a lot more

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common than people really want to say out loud, sometimes we don't know, and most

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times we don't know. There are plenty of people that go through this world, they

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are born, they live, and they die, and they never once truly understand what it

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means to be happy or content. They'll have those brief moments here and there,

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they'll have, you know, they'll smile and they'll laugh and they'll enjoy their

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kids and their family, but they won't ever truly reach that kind of happiness

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that inspires others, and that's really what we're aiming for here. That's

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what I want to aim for. I want to be and I want to live a life that inspires

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others, and I don't just want it to be me saying stuff, right? Like I want it to be

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one where I am truly, genuinely enjoying life and living to its fullest. With that

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in mind, you know, I've touched on this before, actually in the introduction

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episode, if you haven't heard it, I've touched on this before. One of the most

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influential pieces of literature in my life was Walden by Henry David Thoreau. I

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read it front to back probably 18-20 times. I quote it incessantly. I believe

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very, very strongly in some of the ideas in it, and between Emerson and Thoreau, a

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lot of my worldview comes from those two gentlemen, for better and for worse,

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honestly, because they definitely weren't flawless in some of their ideas. But

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Thoreau has among his very famous quotes, the most famous is probably his I went

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to the woods quote, and I'm gonna say it for you here. I know it by heart,

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but I'm gonna pull it up here so that I make sure I don't miss anything because,

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you know, I don't want to have to redo this. So Henry David Thoreau wrote,

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I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the

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essential facts of life and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and

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not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live

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what was not life. Living is so dear, nor did I wish to practice resignation,

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unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out the marrow of

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life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to route all that

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that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a

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corner and reduce it to its lowest terms. For me, that paragraph quote, is the

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basis of my self-love. When I think about that, and I think about what I've done in

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my life, and where I've my regrets come from, that's where I find my strength to

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move forward and try to learn how to love myself in a better way, and be more

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positive towards myself, to be more forgiving towards myself. Because, and

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this is speaking strictly as a man, the one thing I definitely do not want to do

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is go to the grave knowing that I haven't mattered, and I haven't made a

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difference. That's terrifying to me. That is my greatest fear. I mean, I

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don't like spiders, I hate water, I'm not somebody you're gonna find

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out at the beach or the ocean, but even though all of those things are things

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that I can deal with, because while they're, you know, they are fears, they're

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not something that literally terrifies me to the point of inaction. But the idea,

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it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy when you think about it, the idea of

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dying, of making my way to the grave and having not lived my life literally

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terrified me to the point where I stopped living my life. When I think about

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that, that is quite literally the definition of regret. Being so scared of

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of living a life of no consequence, that you begin living a life of no consequence

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because of your fear. But I'm not doing that anymore, and that's really what I'm

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talking about when I talk about my particular journey of self-love. You know,

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I had to find my way through 20 years of darkness to come, to break

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through it and come out to where I am right now, which is sitting in front of a

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microphone telling complete strangers about my darkest fears and my desire to

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be a better person. This is like the weirdest form of therapy on the face of

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the planet. But we're doing it, and we're gonna keep doing it, because I know that

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there's people out there that are gonna hear this, and they're gonna identify

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with it, and maybe it'll help. Maybe. Maybe it'll help. And so all I can do is

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keep talking, and keep trying to talk about these things. And that's my

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self-love journey. That's the whole point of all of this that I just

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said, is that we all have to go through our own things. Mine is gonna be

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talking to you guys and trying to give voice to maybe some people that don't

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necessarily feel recognized, or don't, you know, buy into some of the

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preconceived ideas that are floating around out there in the world, that have

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kind of grabbed on to social media and things like that. I'm just trying to find

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a little niche corner for people like myself to feel recognized and seen.

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So with that in mind, let's get to this letter. I think that this is a

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really good step to... or not good step, a good... well, I mean, you're just gonna have to

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hear the letter. Honestly, it brought tears to my eyes, and I was deeply,

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deeply moved by it. You can tell that the person that wrote it, wrote it for me to

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read it here. They were very aware of the fact that I would be reading it, and I'm

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gonna change the names on it. I'm assuming they already did, but I'm gonna

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change them again just to make sure that, you know, there's no hurt feelings if

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somebody happens upon it. But yeah, let's get to it. I'm gonna start reading.

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This letter was titled, Being Kind to Yourself, or How I Learned to Stop

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Worrying and Love Myself. I grew up not knowing who I was, and not knowing how to

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love myself. My sister was a year ahead of me in school, and a much better

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student. In my 30s, I would learn that I had ADHD, and that's why I had a hard

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time paying attention in class. It explained a lot, but it didn't change the

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fact that at the beginning of every school year, my teachers would excitedly

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say, oh I remember your sister. Sometimes they would just call me Maggie's sister

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instead of my actual name. When report cards came out, my parents would say, but

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your sister made honor roll when I only had average grades. On the other hand, my

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brother barely scraped by. He was held back in third grade and barely graduated

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high school. When I would bring up something he did, they would cut me off

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and tell me not to compare myself to him. At least he was five years

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older, so I didn't often have the issue of having any of his old teachers, though

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it might have been easier. It's not hard to look like the good student

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when compared to him. My brother picked on my sister, who in turn picked on me,

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and then he would pick on her for picking on me. I'm sure that's common of

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many sibling relationships, but trust me when I say there was an extra layer of

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issues with us. Regardless, my sister and I did usually get along. We had to. We

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were allies against my brother when it got bad, which was often. When I was in

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second grade, I had a crush on Tyler Johnson, the cutest boy in my class, and I

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made the mistake of mentioning it at dinner one evening. My

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brother and sister both made fun of me for it, and my mom didn't think to tell

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them to knock it off. That was the day I realized that we were definitely not a

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TV family. That was also the day I learned to keep things to myself. I know

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we're not supposed to call girls bossy anymore, but growing up my sister

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was bossy. Think Lucy from the Peanuts comics. We did get along though, usually,

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but she was in charge, and that was that. She was also very opinionated, and would

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make fun of most things I liked until I just kind of stopped having a lot of my

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own opinions. I was the chubby kid, which was especially difficult in the 80s and

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90s. I was the only one of my siblings with a weight problem. My brother was

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tall and thin, and my sister was average, another thing she was better at. My mom

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always bought junk food when we went shopping. Little Debbie's snack cake

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rolls were my favorite. I liked to unroll them and eat the cream first, and then

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the cake. Every once in a while I get nostalgic and consider buying a box when

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I'm doing my own shopping, but I won't because they bring me back to a time

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when I was so incredibly sad. Way deep under the surface where no one could see,

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on multiple occasions back then my parents would gently, not really, suggest

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I start watching what I eat, but those Swiss cake rolls were always in the

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pantry come grocery day. In case you've never been a fat kid, you might not

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understand the shame that this creates. It introduces you to the idea of hiding

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food, and not too far beyond that is disordered eating, but most of all it's

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the self-loathing that takes over, and oh boy did I learn to hate myself. I spent

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my adolescence trying so hard to not be noticed, but at the same time was

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desperate to be accepted. I yearned for normalcy. Making friends wasn't a huge

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issue for me though. I've always had a few friends in each class. Aside from a

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few shitty comments here and there, my time in school wasn't too bad until I

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developed a very embarrassing medical situation in ninth grade. It's still hard

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for me to talk about 30 years later, so I won't get into it here. Suffice it to say,

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as embarrassing as it was, and as much as I needed medical intervention, I had

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always learned that we just don't talk about certain things. I suffered alone,

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until it was clear that it couldn't be ignored any longer. I eventually went to

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the doctor, and was treated, but it happened with very little discussion

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with my mom, and zero with my dad, which was fine with me. As a parent now, I could

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never, but I guess I have the tools now that my parents, especially my mom, didn't.

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My senior year was the first and only year I went to school without either of

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my siblings. This is the year I started to try, I started trying to figure

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myself out. I don't think most of us know who we are at that age, but for me, I

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felt like I was starting from scratch. With very little exception, all of my

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opinions were my sister's. I dressed how she dressed, I thought how she thought,

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and I did what she did, but now it was time to break free. On the outside, I was

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different, and I liked it that way, but on the inside, I so desperately wanted to

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be like everyone else. Things seemed so easy for so many people, but I couldn't

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figure it out, and unbeknownst to myself, or anyone else for that matter, I was so

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incredibly sad. I went into my senior year with my sister's opinions on drugs

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and alcohol, she was opposed, and I ended my senior year a smoker and a drinker. My

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friends had all talked about the parties they had over the weekends, and how much

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they drank, and I was not about that life. I mean, that's what I would say, but

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again, I just wanted to be accepted, and sure, they did accept me as their friend

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in class, but once I started drinking, I started getting invited to the parties.

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It was at one of these parties that I decided to take up smoking. I had always

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been curious, but of course, I knew better, but it was also the mid-90s, and

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that's what people did. I was holding my friend's cigarette for some reason, and

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when I tried to give it back, she said she didn't want it anymore, so I said I'd

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finish it, and that was my first, but not my last. Fortunately somehow, I never

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became addicted. I was also hanging out with co-workers from my fast-food job,

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who I should not have been hanging out with. These weren't good people, but I was

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very naive, and I thought I was okay. Without getting too deep into it, there

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were multiple situations which could have ended up badly, but fortunately did

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not. Not as bad as they could have, I should say, but things did happen that I

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wish didn't, and to give you an idea of my mental state around that time, the

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moment that sticks with me the most is this. There was a band signing autographs

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at a local record shop. The local radio station was there giving away t-shirts,

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and there was an entry to win an autograph to guitar. There couldn't have

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been more than 25 people there, if that, and you had to be present to win, so I

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had just as good a shot as anyone else to win that guitar, only I didn't enter. If

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they called my name, I would have had to walk up to claim my prize, and everyone

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would have looked at me. Not only did I not want people looking at me, I was so

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uncomfortable in my own skin that I wanted people to look away from me. No

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one in our group won the guitar. Walking out to the car, I reluctantly

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mentioned that I didn't enter, and they just couldn't wrap their heads around

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why not. Okay, that was probably a lot, but I tell you all of this because I want

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you to know where I came from, so you can understand just how fragile my mental

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state was for so long. Anyone can spout platitudes, but I have been in the depths

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of some serious depression, and I'm coming to you from the other side of it.

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But how did I get here? It started with a friend who gave a shit. I mean, I guess

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it's fair to say that I had a few people who gave a shit, but not like him. He was

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the only one who really knew how to get through to me, and how to get me to see

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my value. I had so much pain and sadness in me, and he was there with shoulders to

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cry on and hugs for days. Hugs that I had to learn how to receive. He gave a shit,

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and never expected anything in return. I couldn't pay him back if I tried. His

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pebble created so many ripples in my life, I am forever grateful. I genuinely

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do not know what kind of person I would be right now if I did not have him in my

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life. Because of his friendship and love, I was able to learn to love myself, and

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more importantly, break the cycle for my own child. At 22 years old, my kid and I

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never part without saying I love you. Never. On the phone, in person, even if

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she's just going to get the mail. It's a habit. If the worst were to happen, the

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last thing I want either of us to feel is regret that we didn't say, that we

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didn't say it one last time. Society and advertising and patriarchy make it

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really hard to raise a daughter with confidence. I know I've had some misses,

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but she knows who she is. She has the confidence to assert herself and a huge

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amount of empathy. She's been in a very healthy relationship for about five

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years now. They've had some issues like every other couple, but their

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communication is amazing, especially for their age, which is something that she

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had to teach him. My daughter and her boyfriend have a very healthy

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relationship because I had a friend who gave enough of a shit about me to watch

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me cry a lot and to tell me I'm worthy until I started to believe in for

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myself. Now I believe in giving credit where credit is due. As much as I credit

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him for helping me see my worth, you damn sure better believe that I credit myself

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for making that change. You can lead a horse to water and all that. He gave me

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the tools and he showed me how to use them and I did just that. There's also

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there also came a point when I realized that I needed more and I started seeing

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a therapist who really helped me put things into perspective, but I couldn't

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have had the confidence to advocate for myself like that without his help

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initially. And after some time in therapy and really working on myself,

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when shit would go south that was beyond my control, I realized I could also

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benefit from antidepressants. After some trial and error I found what works best

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for me. If you're hesitant to try medication I totally get it, I do, but I

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can honestly tell you that all of this all this pill does for me is keep me at

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an even keel. It keeps me from crying because we ran out of turkey for my

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sandwich. That is a real story by the way. It helps me handle the shit that

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life throws at me daily. I had developed confidence and learned how to break the

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cycle, but I didn't really know yet how to truly show myself kindness and grace.

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It's a fairly recent discovery actually which started with my relationship with

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food and my body. Like so many of us I've been on one diet or another for most of

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my adult life. I'm really good at losing weight, the problem is I'm also really

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good at finding it again. So I'm the Saint Anthony of dieting. You know how we

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tend to make excuses for certain things like, yeah I've lost ten pounds, I still

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have more to go though, or simply I've only lost ten pounds. I heard someone

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once say what if we just stopped the sentence after I lost ten pounds, just

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stop talking and let it sink in, drop the only, let's say the rest. I think we are

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unconsciously looking for other people's approval, but why? Fucking good for you

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for losing ten pounds. I bet you worked your ass off, well done. Say the good

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thing and drop the bad. It gets easier every time. You never need permission to

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love yourself or to just be happy with your accomplishments and fuck anyone who

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makes you feel otherwise. Like anything else it takes practice and grace. Grace is

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key because you're not perfect. You're probably not the type to give someone

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shit when they make a mistake. You would probably never consider telling someone

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that their ten pound weight loss is not enough. If you're paying attention to my

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rambling you might be the type of person who genuinely tries to lift people up

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and make them feel good. So how are you not deserving of the same grace and love?

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I promise you you are so worth it. I know I am. I know a lot of us also have

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paths that we're not proud of, things we've done or people we've wronged. I

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don't think I'm the best person to discuss making amends but I can tell you

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that you are not your past. You can't change what you did but you can take

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steps to be better. We are made up by our past experiences but they do not define

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who we are today. I promise you that if you just focus on doing the next right

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thing you'll get there. Don't try to change overnight. Give yourself some grace.

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What if just once today instead of saying the negative as well you only say

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the positive. Just once. No affirmations, no mantras, just no negativity. And if

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that feels good try it again. Do the next right thing. I also try not to worry

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about what people think of me which I know is much easier said than done.

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Ultimately though I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea and that's okay. I

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will never wish anyone ill will and the last thing I ever want to do is be

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disrespectful. But I don't have to be friends with everyone and neither do you.

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I think about young me a lot and so much of what I do is for her. Someone asked me

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recently what I would say to my young self if I could. I wouldn't say anything.

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I would just give her a hug because she really needed one. I live my life now

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just trying to be the adult that she needed. She didn't deserve the pain she

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felt and neither do you. I wish I could do the work for you but I can't. This

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one's on you I'm afraid. But I promise you, you can do this. Little by little you

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will get there. I want so much for you to feel the peace that I feel. You deserve

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peace. Just like the tiny ripples make big change so do tiny steps. Just take

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one step now. I'm here with you to make sure you don't fall. You are worth it. I

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promise. I'm not even gonna try to lie. I had to stop reading that multiple times.

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When I first got it I cried. I cried a lot reading it and then just now trying

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to record it. I'm sure you guys heard me kind of breaking up and and stammering

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with it a little bit. I hope whoever wrote it is gonna hear this and I hope

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that I did some justice in reading it. That's powerful shit and that is a

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journey. I can't thank you enough for sending that. And while I have you

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listening, not just you but anybody listening, I would love to be able to

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read more. I would love to be able to tell more stories. They don't have to be

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large, you know, 20 minute stories like that. But if you have any stories of

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kindness or life-changing events like that, you know, or you just want to tell

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your backstory. If you just want me to read your backstory and you know your

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your story about how you've come to be who you are, I'll change names and I'll

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I'll do all the hiding of identities and things like that. You can email me. We

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have a we set up an email just for that. It's a pebble in a pond. Let me make sure

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I have that right. Apebbleinapondstories.gmail.com. We haven't set up an email

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for just you know like stories at a pebble in a pond yet. We'll get to that at

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some point but for now it's apebbleinapondstories.gmail.com. So if

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you're hearing this and you have a story that you'd like to add or something

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you'd like to contribute to another episode, I may not you know get it in the

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next episode but we will we will find an episode and I will make sure that your

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stories get read and that you are part of this journey. So we're gonna we're

409
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:52,440
gonna dive right into the next phase here and we're gonna talk about some

410
00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:59,600
things that you can do, some exercises that should be pretty easy. Just stuff

411
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:06,240
you can do every day that are going to help you realize your own value and

412
00:39:06,240 --> 00:39:14,440
really you know understand how to find your peace and your contentment and

413
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:19,920
your happiness. One thing to keep in mind when you start to go through these

414
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:26,840
things and you start to do this is and this is a really simple concept. I maybe

415
00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:33,960
I should have started with this the whole podcast. You're with you all

416
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:41,280
the time so you better like yourself. It's really important. It is really really

417
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:49,680
important to love yourself and obviously be understanding of your shortcomings as

418
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:59,240
well. Understand that you know like in that letter that person was you know she

419
00:39:59,240 --> 00:40:06,640
was she was a heavyset young girl and she understood that was you know that

420
00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:11,440
was a defining characteristic in her life and she has grown to the point

421
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:16,520
where she understands that that does not define who she is. It defined her

422
00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:24,960
past. It created sadness and you know insecurities but it didn't it didn't it

423
00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:31,320
doesn't define her now and all she could do is learn to grow from that and she

424
00:40:31,320 --> 00:40:36,000
did and that's a triumph right like that's that's what we're trying to do.

425
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:40,840
We're trying to find where our insecurities lie. Find the things that we

426
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:46,960
maybe aren't too proud of. Find the things that we know we need to work on

427
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:51,680
and don't focus on them. Don't don't berate yourself and belittle yourself

428
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:55,920
because you know whatever it may be whether it's a personality flaw or a

429
00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:59,960
physical thing whatever it may be it doesn't really matter. You just need to

430
00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:05,400
know that it's there. Know what your shortcomings are and then say I love

431
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:11,720
myself enough that I'm gonna work on this. I want to change. I don't maybe maybe

432
00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:16,160
you have to start with I don't know how to. Maybe you have to make sure that

433
00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:19,160
that's understood but that's what we're here for right like that's the whole

434
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:25,080
point of listening to these things of of trying to find a new direction. If you're

435
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:31,100
listening to this right now and you understand that there's changes that you

436
00:41:31,100 --> 00:41:37,880
need to make you've taken a great first step because you're looking right you're

437
00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:44,240
searching for those answers and that's more than most people do in their lives.

438
00:41:44,240 --> 00:41:51,280
You should be very proud of yourself if you're looking to make changes. It is not

439
00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:57,520
easy. It is not easy to just take that very very first step. That is one of the

440
00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:02,400
hardest things you'll ever do. So we're talking about building confidence and

441
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:12,880
self-respect and self-worth and you just using the idea of self-love to really

442
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:16,840
you know strengthen the love that you have for yourself and in doing all of

443
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:23,280
this and understanding these concepts inside of yourself you will find that

444
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:28,720
you have more love for the people around you. You'll be able to better communicate

445
00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:34,400
and better appreciate the things around you that you see. You'll know when

446
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:38,960
someone is crossing a boundary for you. You'll understand your values better and

447
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:45,600
be able to protect yourself in a way that you know shows how much you

448
00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:50,320
value yourself. You know you're not gonna let people walk all over you and treat

449
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:55,680
you like dirt if you know your own value. So how do you do that?

450
00:42:55,680 --> 00:43:01,960
Like what's the first step? Well you know like I said I may not be the best

451
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:08,880
person to give this advice but I did a decent amount of research.

452
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:15,920
I've spent more than a few hours more than a few hours just reading

453
00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:20,000
different ideas and different concepts because like I said I'm on the journey

454
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:28,040
myself. It is not something that I have been practiced at for too long. So what

455
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:34,840
I've done and what a lot of therapists and such would recommend is start with

456
00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:41,920
really simple stuff and for me I have taken to just doing a little bit more

457
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:51,760
exercise. Understand that how you eat, the amount of sleep that you get, the

458
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:55,400
amount of activity that you have in your life physically. Those are all things

459
00:43:55,400 --> 00:44:01,240
that are for most people relatively simple and I don't mean like you know

460
00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:06,280
you don't have to go to the gym and you know get get swole. You don't have to go

461
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:11,120
worry about your gains necessarily but you you know getting up and going for a

462
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:18,000
walk will dramatically dramatically change your life. Just just getting up

463
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:21,940
and going for a walk in the morning or maybe in the evening after you have

464
00:44:21,940 --> 00:44:27,720
dinner. Those things or both if you can do both man your life will

465
00:44:27,720 --> 00:44:33,640
change rapidly. Understand that regular exercise this is scientifically

466
00:44:33,640 --> 00:44:39,240
speaking it decreases cortisol in your body. Cortisol is the hormone that

467
00:44:39,240 --> 00:44:44,480
creates or that causes stress. It causes you to feel stress. If you can reduce

468
00:44:44,480 --> 00:44:52,240
the amount of cortisol in your body then you are by definition winning. So just

469
00:44:52,240 --> 00:44:58,320
keep that in mind like just keeping yourself your body. You don't have to be

470
00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:02,200
like fit. I'm not I'm not gonna force everybody to get out there like I said

471
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:04,720
and get to the gym and all that stuff. I mean that would be great if you want to

472
00:45:04,720 --> 00:45:08,120
do that. If that's what that's where you find your peace. If that's if that's one

473
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:11,800
of the things that makes you happy then that's great. This advice is you know

474
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:16,360
preach into the choir. But for a lot of us that just live normal lives that

475
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:20,640
don't necessarily want to go to the gym every day just getting out and going for

476
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:32,180
a walk. Man that does so much it's done a lot for me. You know I was I was 236

477
00:45:32,180 --> 00:45:40,960
pounds. The heaviest I've ever been was 268 pounds and I'm I'm just under 6 foot

478
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:48,680
so that is really really big. And I was able to you know through different means

479
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:51,880
I was able to get down to where my average weight for a long period of time

480
00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:58,720
was about 230. But when all of the things that happened that basically brought

481
00:45:58,720 --> 00:46:01,880
about this podcast when I started to go through this extreme depression and

482
00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:06,000
things like that I actually did lose a lot of weight just because of anxiety

483
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:12,040
and depression. Which isn't great I mean I'm not that's not not the diet that you

484
00:46:12,040 --> 00:46:20,880
want to be on but it allowed me to kind of regain control of my relationship

485
00:46:20,880 --> 00:46:25,040
with food and the exercise that I was doing and things like that. And so so far

486
00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:30,520
I've been able to maintain a weight that honestly I haven't had since just out of

487
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:36,560
high school. So I'm feeling good and seeing the results of you know just that

488
00:46:36,560 --> 00:46:41,240
those very basic concepts of taking care of myself and showing self-love. I'm

489
00:46:41,240 --> 00:46:46,880
immediately seeing returns on them. So I can't I can't stress enough how

490
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:53,000
important this very first piece of advice is. If you can if you have the

491
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:59,400
ability if you just take the time to a 10-minute walk in the morning if you're

492
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:02,360
a morning person and you want to get up and get moving 10-minute walk in the

493
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:06,600
morning change your life I promise you. And if you can't get out in the morning

494
00:47:06,600 --> 00:47:10,840
then do it you know after you eat. It's it's it's really good for you to go and

495
00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:16,320
walk after you eat. Very very good for you. So it not only that but if you go

496
00:47:16,320 --> 00:47:22,640
for a walk with someone a significant other some friends it's like it has the

497
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:27,160
same effect as going on a road trip. Everybody loves going on road trips

498
00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:29,640
because of the conversations that you end up having with your friends or

499
00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:34,800
whoever you're with. It's the same same thing you go for regular walks with

500
00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:42,120
somebody and that brings about this closeness that is I mean it transcends

501
00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:48,440
just a normal you know relationship conversation a lot of times. And that

502
00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:54,160
shared time knowing that you're both bettering yourselves and each other is

503
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:59,440
invaluable. It really is. So the next the next thing that I want to mention and I

504
00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:05,400
already did mention it just a few minutes ago is being compassionate

505
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:12,640
about your own shortcomings. This is this is an actual step that you can take. You

506
00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:17,160
can do this consciously. This isn't just me saying oh be nice to yourself. This is

507
00:48:17,160 --> 00:48:23,280
literally something that you can you can actually practice. You really want to try

508
00:48:23,280 --> 00:48:30,720
to like I said understand your shortcomings but also understand that

509
00:48:30,720 --> 00:48:35,120
everybody has them right. Like everybody has things they're not good at or

510
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:39,400
different things that you know maybe the way they think or the the there's

511
00:48:39,400 --> 00:48:44,680
something wrong with their body that they don't like. But at the end of the

512
00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:51,440
day it's how we view those things inside of ourselves that will determine whether

513
00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:56,680
or not we can move beyond them or we can we can learn to accept them. So it's

514
00:48:56,680 --> 00:49:02,840
important when you you know make mistakes or have shortcomings in some

515
00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:07,680
way that you understand that these are these this is a common human condition

516
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:11,400
right. Like everybody's happens for everybody. Everybody's going through

517
00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:14,800
something. Everybody's making mistakes. Everybody's trying to figure it out. And

518
00:49:14,800 --> 00:49:21,240
as long as you can root yourself in that common humanity you'll find that it's a

519
00:49:21,240 --> 00:49:27,200
lot easier to not only express kindness to others but to express kindness for

520
00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:33,040
yourself right. You're only human. You can only do you only be expected to do

521
00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:40,440
so much. And at some level once you've once you've accepted that then you can

522
00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:45,400
start to say okay well I fell short here. I wasn't I wasn't up to where I'd like

523
00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:51,040
to be. How do I how do I get there? And like that letter said like it's one step

524
00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:55,720
at a time. You're not going to be able to go from zero to perfect right. You're

525
00:49:55,720 --> 00:50:00,080
not going to be able to go from five to perfect. You're gonna have to get there

526
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:05,560
gradually and it's it's just being patient and understanding with yourself.

527
00:50:05,560 --> 00:50:07,800
The same kind of patience and understanding that you would show

528
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:13,680
someone else if you were trying to help them show that to yourself. That's really

529
00:50:13,680 --> 00:50:17,680
what this is all about. If you're listening to this episode you're

530
00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:21,360
listening to this podcast then I have to imagine that you're somebody of good

531
00:50:21,360 --> 00:50:26,080
character or you're trying to be. And that means you know helping people

532
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:30,440
taking them by the hand really being compassionate. So if you can do that for

533
00:50:30,440 --> 00:50:35,600
someone else you have to be able to do it for yourself because unfortunately

534
00:50:35,600 --> 00:50:40,240
the way this works is if you continue if you just continually give give give of

535
00:50:40,240 --> 00:50:46,120
yourself to other people and you don't take care of you you're gonna be trying

536
00:50:46,120 --> 00:50:50,960
to pour water from an empty cup. You're gonna run out. You're not gonna be able

537
00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:57,040
to keep it up and then you're gonna start to doubt yourself and it becomes

538
00:50:57,040 --> 00:51:02,400
this vicious cycle of you know you hurting yourself literally hurting

539
00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:09,440
yourself to try to help others and we can't have that. You have to be building

540
00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:16,560
yourself up and loving yourself and reinforcing the positive parts of

541
00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:22,400
yourself so that you can feed off of that and then you can start to help

542
00:51:22,400 --> 00:51:28,760
others. You have to not make yourself a priority to the at the expense of

543
00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:35,480
others. You make yourself a priority to for the sole purpose of being able to

544
00:51:35,480 --> 00:51:39,840
help others. Right? Like that's where we're at. That's what we're trying to do.

545
00:51:39,840 --> 00:51:44,840
So remember that. If you if you have a hard time motivating yourself for you, if

546
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:51,800
if that's not enough, if you don't have enough love for yourself, then reframe it

547
00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:57,880
and and and try to understand that like I said this is a shared human experience

548
00:51:57,880 --> 00:52:02,040
and you're trying to help people through their problems but you cannot do it

549
00:52:02,040 --> 00:52:09,480
unless you help yourself. So if you really do have that and I've I've this is

550
00:52:09,480 --> 00:52:12,800
how I feel a lot of times if you kind of have that altruism in you where you're

551
00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:17,760
you really genuinely feel like you can't help yourself but you can help others,

552
00:52:17,760 --> 00:52:23,960
turn that around and say okay I desperately want to help others. How do I

553
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:31,240
do that? I have to help myself. I have to do this for others. I have to make sure

554
00:52:31,240 --> 00:52:35,120
that I'm getting an extra hour sleep, that I'm getting up and going for a walk,

555
00:52:35,120 --> 00:52:39,400
that I'm taking care of myself, that I'm not too judgmental, that I'm not hating

556
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:45,600
on myself when I wouldn't do that to somebody else. Why would I do that to me?

557
00:52:45,600 --> 00:52:51,120
You hear that all the time, right? People say it all the time. Oh I'm my own worst

558
00:52:51,120 --> 00:52:57,160
critic. Well stop it. I know that's your natural reaction. That's a natural

559
00:52:57,160 --> 00:53:02,800
response but you need to stop. Like take a second and say don't don't allow that.

560
00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:09,560
Say yeah I can be critical of myself but not to the point where it causes me to

561
00:53:09,560 --> 00:53:14,560
doubt myself or hate myself or any of those things. I can be critical and say

562
00:53:14,560 --> 00:53:19,440
like I said that was a shortcoming. I didn't I did I wasn't up to snuff there. I

563
00:53:19,440 --> 00:53:27,520
need to get better but if it if it creates a cycle of self-destruction then

564
00:53:27,520 --> 00:53:31,560
you have to break it up. You have to find that that path and if that means

565
00:53:31,560 --> 00:53:37,400
directing it you know direct siphoning the the sentiment through someone else

566
00:53:37,400 --> 00:53:42,720
then that's what it means. Help others by helping yourself and and remember that

567
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:47,400
another key component of this is when you do mess up and you are gonna mess up

568
00:53:47,400 --> 00:53:52,640
you're gonna say things that are gonna hurt people's feelings. You're gonna fall

569
00:53:52,640 --> 00:53:57,240
short of the things that you have the boundaries that you've set for yourself.

570
00:53:57,240 --> 00:54:03,120
You're going to make mistakes in dealing with yourself and other people that are

571
00:54:03,120 --> 00:54:08,360
gonna cause pain and you have to be willing to forgive yourself. You have to

572
00:54:08,360 --> 00:54:11,800
be willing to forgive yourself. Let me say it one more time. You have to be

573
00:54:11,800 --> 00:54:16,800
willing to forgive yourself. This goes for everybody and I know there's people

574
00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:22,360
that are gonna listen to this that desperately need that message. I know

575
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:28,200
there are because I know the people that I know most of the people that are

576
00:54:28,200 --> 00:54:32,120
regularly listening to this and that's not to say that only my friends listen

577
00:54:32,120 --> 00:54:36,760
to the podcast but I know that some of them do and this message is directly for

578
00:54:36,760 --> 00:54:43,280
you if you're listening. You need to forgive yourself. That's that's step one

579
00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:49,080
for you. You have to forgive yourself so that you can begin to love yourself. You

580
00:54:49,080 --> 00:54:55,480
are not this horrible person that you've allowed others to create in your head.

581
00:54:55,480 --> 00:55:06,640
You are very very good and very strong and you need to forgive you know the

582
00:55:06,640 --> 00:55:11,560
shortcomings you've had in the past. You need to move past it. That goes for

583
00:55:11,560 --> 00:55:19,400
everybody. I know that what I just said can ring true for so many people so if

584
00:55:19,400 --> 00:55:25,560
it hits you let it hit you because it's important that you forgive yourself.

585
00:55:25,560 --> 00:55:32,640
Step one for a lot of people in a journey of self-love is forgiving

586
00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:38,120
themselves. Another another thing that I want to talk about as we start to wrap

587
00:55:38,120 --> 00:55:45,920
this up is the people that you surround yourself with and I've touched on this

588
00:55:45,920 --> 00:55:49,280
in some of my TikToks I've done and I've touched on this in some of the other

589
00:55:49,280 --> 00:55:55,480
episodes but the people that you surround yourself with says a lot about

590
00:55:55,480 --> 00:56:02,920
you and about how you're valuing this journey of self-love and I can't stress

591
00:56:02,920 --> 00:56:08,640
this enough. You need to surround yourself with supportive loving people

592
00:56:08,640 --> 00:56:15,000
but and I want to make sure this is very clear don't surround yourself with

593
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:21,800
people that are gonna lie to you to tell you what you want to hear. There is a way

594
00:56:21,800 --> 00:56:26,680
to communicate I don't even want to say criticisms but there's a way to

595
00:56:26,680 --> 00:56:32,080
communicate with someone that they have fallen short or that they are they could

596
00:56:32,080 --> 00:56:37,800
do better and that's that's what you need right you need somebody in your

597
00:56:37,800 --> 00:56:46,140
life that's willing to let you know when you're when you're not making making the

598
00:56:46,140 --> 00:56:51,640
cut right like it's it may be hard to hear but sometimes we get so lost in

599
00:56:51,640 --> 00:56:57,000
ourselves we get so caught up in you know the little things that we don't

600
00:56:57,000 --> 00:57:01,040
really see the big picture we don't really understand you know the whole

601
00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:06,480
forest for the trees thing sometimes you need that person in your life that's

602
00:57:06,480 --> 00:57:12,560
going to say hey hey whoa like to think about that for a second right you don't

603
00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:17,680
need people that are just going to constantly reinforce what you what you

604
00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:24,080
are does that make sense there are a lot of us that have a lot of shortcomings

605
00:57:24,080 --> 00:57:30,920
and a lot of imperfections and if we are constantly told that we're perfect

606
00:57:30,920 --> 00:57:37,520
the way that we are then we begin to accept those things as inevitable

607
00:57:37,520 --> 00:57:44,640
inevitabilities we we begin to say well this is who I am and that means that we

608
00:57:44,640 --> 00:57:52,320
stop doing the work to be better and that is that is unacceptable for the

609
00:57:52,320 --> 00:57:56,520
journey that you're trying that you say you're trying to be on right like your

610
00:57:56,520 --> 00:58:02,280
self-love is about finding contentment and if you have people around you that

611
00:58:02,280 --> 00:58:10,640
are quote supportive to a detriment that are filling you with false confidence

612
00:58:10,640 --> 00:58:18,120
in what you're doing then you're not really you're not really getting to a

613
00:58:18,120 --> 00:58:22,560
point of contentment you're just staying where you are you're not really

614
00:58:22,560 --> 00:58:26,640
expanding yourself or getting better you're just staying whatever it was you

615
00:58:26,640 --> 00:58:32,480
are because these people will lie to you to tell you that you're you know the

616
00:58:32,480 --> 00:58:38,040
best thing since sliced bread and you're not right you have to be honest with

617
00:58:38,040 --> 00:58:42,440
yourself and you have to be willing to say you know I really wish you wouldn't

618
00:58:42,440 --> 00:58:45,400
lie to me I really wish you wouldn't say these things because I don't feel that

619
00:58:45,400 --> 00:58:49,760
way and I want to be able to work on myself I want and I want you to support

620
00:58:49,760 --> 00:58:57,000
me as I work on myself and that's what we need right we need honesty and we

621
00:58:57,000 --> 00:59:03,240
need we need criticism to come from a place of love so that we can continue to

622
00:59:03,240 --> 00:59:08,480
move forward and get better and if you surround yourself with people that just

623
00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:13,400
want to lie to you to make you feel good that's not really supportive and that's

624
00:59:13,400 --> 00:59:19,000
not really loving people that love you and people that care about you will tell

625
00:59:19,000 --> 00:59:22,840
you the truth and they will hold your hand and they will be by your side and

626
00:59:22,840 --> 00:59:28,520
they will help you every step of the way if you need it or if you want it they

627
00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:33,640
will be there with you and you know you can count on them because they're not

628
00:59:33,640 --> 00:59:37,480
gonna lie to you and they're not gonna say things just to spare your feelings

629
00:59:37,480 --> 00:59:45,040
they're gonna say this may hurt your feelings you you sucked here let's not

630
00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:49,120
do that anymore let's try to find a way so that you don't suck as much that's

631
00:59:49,120 --> 00:59:52,760
what love and support means to me and I and I hope that if you're listening to

632
00:59:52,760 --> 00:59:57,360
this that you feel the same thing because if you surround yourself

633
00:59:57,360 --> 01:00:04,280
sycophants and liars then that's all you will ever be you will become that and

634
01:00:04,280 --> 01:00:07,920
that's all you will ever be you'll continually lie to yourself you will

635
01:00:07,920 --> 01:00:16,440
continually look towards platitudes instead of real genuine personal change

636
01:00:16,440 --> 01:00:23,080
you'll hide from the truth of it just to feel good in the moment instead of

637
01:00:23,080 --> 01:00:31,680
making the hard moves that you need to make for truly expressing self-love and

638
01:00:31,680 --> 01:00:37,160
that's counterproductive to everything we're trying to do in this podcast and

639
01:00:37,160 --> 01:00:43,400
just in general in our lives so I hope I hope that some of those little things

640
01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:50,480
will help some of you the exercise the idea that you need to forgive yourself

641
01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:57,400
and you need to love yourself those are very basic ideas so I'm gonna leave well

642
01:00:57,400 --> 01:01:04,080
I'm going to suggest one more thing and then we'll finish finish this up because

643
01:01:04,080 --> 01:01:07,880
I've run way over where I wanted to but I think that this is important and this

644
01:01:07,880 --> 01:01:12,840
is gonna require some homework but I think that this is a really good

645
01:01:12,840 --> 01:01:18,200
practice I think this is something and it may take you a while to do this but I

646
01:01:18,200 --> 01:01:23,120
think that'll give you a really good understanding of who you are so get get

647
01:01:23,120 --> 01:01:26,840
yourself a piece of paper or you can use your computer your phone if you want to

648
01:01:26,840 --> 01:01:31,280
but it's better it's better to sit and write it I think I want you to sit down

649
01:01:31,280 --> 01:01:36,200
you know clear your mind take some deep breaths try to try to find a quiet

650
01:01:36,200 --> 01:01:41,360
moment if you can do it and then I want you to list on this piece of paper eight

651
01:01:41,360 --> 01:01:46,400
things that you love about yourself now these these could be physical attributes

652
01:01:46,400 --> 01:01:50,280
if you if there's something that you feel strongly about but for the most

653
01:01:50,280 --> 01:01:56,840
part try to try to focus on you know what who you are if you're somebody

654
01:01:56,840 --> 01:02:01,120
who's you know really charismatic write down charisma if you're somebody who

655
01:02:01,120 --> 01:02:06,640
you know you feel like you're very empathetic then write down empathy right

656
01:02:06,640 --> 01:02:11,440
you know whatever it may be I want you to write down eight things about

657
01:02:11,440 --> 01:02:17,600
yourself that you you genuinely love and if it takes you a while if it's

658
01:02:17,600 --> 01:02:21,480
something that you know you have to really really focus on for a while if it

659
01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:25,880
takes you a couple of days to find eight things that's fine like that's no

660
01:02:25,880 --> 01:02:29,560
judgment here like just that's fine take your time with it the things that you

661
01:02:29,560 --> 01:02:34,880
genuinely like about yourself write down those eight things and then the next

662
01:02:34,880 --> 01:02:40,120
step is under each of those eight things like leave a little space between them

663
01:02:40,120 --> 01:02:48,320
but under each of those eight things write something about how that trait has

664
01:02:48,320 --> 01:02:54,120
benefited you how it has made a difference in your life whether it be a

665
01:02:54,120 --> 01:02:59,400
full story or a moment whatever whatever it needs to be if you are somebody who

666
01:02:59,400 --> 01:03:06,720
is very empathetic then you know say it well my empathy I was able to help so

667
01:03:06,720 --> 01:03:10,720
and so with you know because I knew that they were feeling pain and I you know

668
01:03:10,720 --> 01:03:13,800
just something like that it doesn't have to I'm not gonna read it nobody else is

669
01:03:13,800 --> 01:03:18,640
gonna read it's just for you so don't worry about you know anybody else

670
01:03:18,640 --> 01:03:24,360
anybody else's judgment on it just write down what those particular traits and do

671
01:03:24,360 --> 01:03:28,360
it for each one of them like I said this could take you a while so take your time

672
01:03:28,360 --> 01:03:32,680
with it and really think about it if if you if you say that courage is one of

673
01:03:32,680 --> 01:03:36,360
your traits well where did that courage come in handy you know give me an

674
01:03:36,360 --> 01:03:41,120
example of that were you were you in the military did you know things like that

675
01:03:41,120 --> 01:03:47,040
lose there are you you know a firefighter like the courage are there's

676
01:03:47,040 --> 01:03:50,520
something there but it could be a simple matter of you know finding courage in

677
01:03:50,520 --> 01:03:55,640
you know going up and writing something on a chalkboard or you know whatever it

678
01:03:55,640 --> 01:04:02,880
may be like the courage to express yourself however it works in your mind

679
01:04:02,880 --> 01:04:10,240
whatever those traits are find real-life examples of them helping you and then

680
01:04:10,240 --> 01:04:14,320
the last thing I want you to do now that you've got your list of eight qualities

681
01:04:14,320 --> 01:04:19,120
and things that they have done to help you in your life is just at the bottom

682
01:04:19,120 --> 01:04:23,000
of the page I want you to come up with it doesn't have to be any certain number

683
01:04:23,000 --> 01:04:26,960
you don't have to do it for each trait but I want you to come up with ways that

684
01:04:26,960 --> 01:04:34,440
you can really show appreciation to yourself really honor these traits

685
01:04:34,440 --> 01:04:38,680
inside of yourself you know if you are somebody that will keep using the

686
01:04:38,680 --> 01:04:45,120
empathy thing if you're somebody who is really empathetic then you know maybe I

687
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:51,920
don't know give yourself a treat of some sort you know go get go to a spa go do

688
01:04:51,920 --> 01:04:59,720
something and just say this is for being this if if if you feel like going you

689
01:04:59,720 --> 01:05:04,600
know going for a walk in a garden or doing doing something special for

690
01:05:04,600 --> 01:05:09,960
yourself to honor those traits it doesn't have to be anything crazy it can

691
01:05:09,960 --> 01:05:17,040
just be you know simple as I'm gonna take three minutes every day to focus on

692
01:05:17,040 --> 01:05:22,520
this trait and and and remind myself that this is a strength of mine this is

693
01:05:22,520 --> 01:05:26,720
something that I can do and I'm gonna try to focus on it I'm gonna try to

694
01:05:26,720 --> 01:05:32,680
honor this trait inside of myself I promise you that if you can sit down and

695
01:05:32,680 --> 01:05:36,720
you can do this there are two things are gonna happen first of all you're

696
01:05:36,720 --> 01:05:41,640
probably gonna cry because I mean it's just that's just how this works like that

697
01:05:41,640 --> 01:05:46,840
kind of self reflection and that kind of introspection is gonna lead you to tears

698
01:05:46,840 --> 01:05:51,520
and that's a good thing so let that let that shit out like don't hold it back

699
01:05:51,520 --> 01:05:58,840
and it's gonna give you a real a real appreciation for yourself in a way that

700
01:05:58,840 --> 01:06:05,160
maybe you have never really thought about and I'm not gonna lie to you I've

701
01:06:05,160 --> 01:06:09,520
done the exercise for myself and that maybe in another episode I will actually

702
01:06:09,520 --> 01:06:14,520
go through it with you because I don't really have anything to hide but I've

703
01:06:14,520 --> 01:06:19,480
run out of time on this episode obviously but I think that I think that

704
01:06:19,480 --> 01:06:24,760
it's good to share these things and and once you're done once you've finished

705
01:06:24,760 --> 01:06:32,000
this exercise a good way of understanding you know somebody that

706
01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:35,320
you're you're you're with in your life is to have them do the exercise as well

707
01:06:35,320 --> 01:06:39,600
don't don't keep this to yourself like if you can have other people do it and

708
01:06:39,600 --> 01:06:43,960
if you're not ashamed of what you think which you shouldn't be because these are

709
01:06:43,960 --> 01:06:48,360
things that you love about yourself share it like obviously you don't want

710
01:06:48,360 --> 01:06:51,480
to deal with people's judgment about your handwriting or your the way that

711
01:06:51,480 --> 01:06:55,280
you wrote the things what you know whatever but as long as you get there

712
01:06:55,280 --> 01:06:59,960
somebody that's safe and isn't gonna judge you share this share this with

713
01:06:59,960 --> 01:07:03,880
people you know hand them your sheet and they can hand you their sheet and you

714
01:07:03,880 --> 01:07:08,920
can read it or even better you can before you trade off they can write eight

715
01:07:08,920 --> 01:07:12,440
things they love about you and you can write eight things you love about them

716
01:07:12,440 --> 01:07:18,520
this is an exercise that is is great on your own because it really does build up

717
01:07:18,520 --> 01:07:23,120
some true self-appreciation and self-love but that doesn't mean you have

718
01:07:23,120 --> 01:07:26,280
to just keep it to yourself this is something you can do with somebody else

719
01:07:26,280 --> 01:07:31,520
it's almost like a game it's like a BuzzFeed game one of the you know one of

720
01:07:31,520 --> 01:07:34,920
those stupid quizzes they used to do or maybe they still do them I don't know

721
01:07:34,920 --> 01:07:39,280
but it's like that where you know you you once you start to see these these

722
01:07:39,280 --> 01:07:44,240
aspects of each other you really start to appreciate you know this is how this

723
01:07:44,240 --> 01:07:48,360
person sees themself and if maybe there's there's qualities on there that

724
01:07:48,360 --> 01:07:52,240
you haven't really noticed and if this is something you do with your significant

725
01:07:52,240 --> 01:07:57,440
other I mean that gives you a really strong idea of not just how they think

726
01:07:57,440 --> 01:08:02,200
about themselves but how you can focus on these attributes that they love about

727
01:08:02,200 --> 01:08:07,960
themselves and you can say okay well if you love the fact that you're empathetic

728
01:08:07,960 --> 01:08:12,520
then let's let's flex that muscle let's let's go places where you can you know

729
01:08:12,520 --> 01:08:17,680
really do that and you'll find that the support and the love that you can draw

730
01:08:17,680 --> 01:08:26,360
out with each other I mean it's a life-changing experience if you do it with

731
01:08:26,360 --> 01:08:32,280
honesty and compassion and love and that includes for yourself and for the people

732
01:08:32,280 --> 01:08:37,880
that you do it with so I think we're gonna wrap it up there obviously I'm not

733
01:08:37,880 --> 01:08:43,400
gonna wrap it up without a quote because that's what I do so we're gonna go right

734
01:08:43,400 --> 01:08:47,920
to the source here we're gonna go to one of my favorite all-time quotes and I'm

735
01:08:47,920 --> 01:08:53,000
gonna leave you with this we're gonna end with this hard-hitting quote from

736
01:08:53,000 --> 01:08:59,880
Winnie the Pooh he said the things that make me different are the things that

737
01:08:59,880 --> 01:09:08,360
make me me so remember that you're not like anyone else in this universe you're

738
01:09:08,360 --> 01:09:14,320
the only one of you that exists and you're the only one that truly knows how

739
01:09:14,320 --> 01:09:21,720
you need to be loved so please do it take the time to learn enough about

740
01:09:21,720 --> 01:09:28,600
yourself and to appreciate who and what you are because you are powerful and the

741
01:09:28,600 --> 01:09:34,680
effect that you can have on the people around you and this world at large is

742
01:09:34,680 --> 01:09:43,240
phenomenal love yourself it is the first love that you should ever have and the

743
01:09:43,240 --> 01:09:51,840
most important love that you will ever know next week we're gonna piggyback off

744
01:09:51,840 --> 01:09:59,440
of this and we're gonna talk about this concept that has been going around for

745
01:09:59,440 --> 01:10:04,400
quite some time now of the main character and we're gonna talk about the

746
01:10:04,400 --> 01:10:09,680
good things and the bad things that go along with this way of thinking and so

747
01:10:09,680 --> 01:10:13,960
you may be familiar with this it's it's gone gone around quite a bit but we're

748
01:10:13,960 --> 01:10:19,000
gonna talk about it and I am I'm very much on the fence so there will be a

749
01:10:19,000 --> 01:10:24,520
lot of positive and a lot of negative when we discuss it but I think I think I

750
01:10:24,520 --> 01:10:27,880
have a pretty interesting take on it I've had a long a couple of long

751
01:10:27,880 --> 01:10:33,760
discussions with some people and I really do think that I think you'll

752
01:10:33,760 --> 01:10:38,120
enjoy it so check us out next week where we're gonna be talking about the main

753
01:10:38,120 --> 01:10:43,680
character syndrome philosophy idea I didn't know what to call it the main

754
01:10:43,680 --> 01:10:49,400
character is what we're gonna call it so thank you for listening and hopefully

755
01:10:49,400 --> 01:11:18,520
we'll talk to you next week take care

756
01:11:19,400 --> 01:11:22,280
I