1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,760 Hey there folks welcome to episode 4 of a pebble in a pond podcast. I'm gonna ask 2 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:14,480 everybody that's listening to forgive me. I don't think I have a cold but 3 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:22,360 I have had a cough for the past I don't know 12 hours or so and so if there's 4 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:28,340 some weird sounding edits or moments where I kind of cut off it's because I 5 00:00:28,340 --> 00:00:32,680 had to mute the mic so I could cough because you don't want me to cough into 6 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:40,480 the mic. That said as you can hear my my throat is a little tight there that said 7 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:47,680 when I tell you that I possibly have a cold or I may be sick what does that 8 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:52,520 make you think how does it make you feel for a lot of people the idea or the 9 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:58,320 dimension of being sick will conjure some mental images they'll think of 10 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:02,160 chicken soup or they'll think of a warm blanket or they'll think of a thermometer 11 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,600 things that have kind of been programmed into us by you know all sorts of imagery 12 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:12,620 some people will kind of rear back and be like oh don't get me sick which 13 00:01:12,620 --> 00:01:18,880 obviously isn't a problem on a podcast but some people will react to sickness 14 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:22,360 in a negative way and I'll say oh no what is it they'll try to figure out 15 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:28,000 what it is you know do I have is it just a cold is it to have COVID you know all 16 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,920 of these different things and then there are other people that when they hear 17 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:39,040 that I'm sick they for even a brief moment they can relate to that and they 18 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:42,640 kind of they're like oh I know what that's like I know I've had that cough 19 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:48,280 or I've and they they immediately put themselves in my place and they say oh 20 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,480 well I've had that I've you know you got a little bit of a scratch and you're 21 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:56,440 you're coughing a bunch yeah I've had that well those those last people 22 00:01:56,440 --> 00:02:03,160 without knowing it possibly are practicing the point of this episode 23 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:10,880 which is empathy what is empathy the actual definition of empathy is the 24 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:17,360 ability to understand and share the feelings of another so while me being 25 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:25,320 sick or having a cold you empathy wouldn't be oh I relate to blowing my 26 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:30,400 nose or oh I know what it's like to cough that's not really what empathy is 27 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:36,160 empathy is that you relate to the feelings of being being sick you say oh 28 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:41,600 I know what that's like that sucks to be so tired that sucks to be so you know 29 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:46,640 worn down or to you know the the feelings that you're feeling somebody 30 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:52,520 with high levels of empathy will start to understand how you feel because 31 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:57,200 they'll feel it for a brief moment that's kind of how they see the world is 32 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:03,960 through the lens of other people's emotions so before we get we dive in too 33 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:10,880 deep I just want to make one quick understanding known here and that is 34 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:15,920 we've been saying that this episode is about empathy and understanding and 35 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:19,760 the reason that we've been saying that is because there are a lot of people out 36 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:25,680 there many more than I had ever realized that don't understand or know what 37 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:32,880 empathy actually is these are people that have never don't understand the 38 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:37,560 experience of it and so they don't know if they have ever experienced empathy now 39 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,000 we're gonna get into the different kinds of empathy and almost everybody has 40 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:46,360 experienced one kind or another but for a lot of people people that tend to be a 41 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:50,560 little bit more cerebral they don't they don't necessarily experience the 42 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:54,520 emotions the same way so they don't consider it to be empathy they think 43 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:58,920 that that's a made-up thing so we use the term understanding although 44 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:04,480 understanding is essentially the cognitive version of empathy 45 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:11,920 understanding is you saying oh you don't feel good or oh I see here happy or oh 46 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:18,000 and and then you know diagramming in your head exactly why understanding why 47 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:23,160 this person's happy how they become how they became that way you kind of you 48 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:27,760 kind of experience what they're going through by literally mapping it out 49 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:34,720 intellectually whereas an empath they don't need that map they just go with 50 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:41,040 you on it when you're happy they're happy they're happy for you and they're 51 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:46,320 happy for themselves as well it becomes an energy source for a for a real empath 52 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:53,080 positive energy creates energy inside of them and then they can use that to power 53 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:58,800 more empathy but like I said we're not gonna get too deep into that just yet 54 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:26,720 there's a lot to cover so let's go ahead and start the episode 55 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:49,000 so empathy huh that's really not an easy egg to crack or the nut to crack I 56 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:56,800 don't know I actually spent a lot longer researching and looking at this episode 57 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:02,240 now when I say researching I mean doing what most of us do just reading things 58 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:08,480 online and stuff like that which helped me you know it gave me things to talk 59 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:13,320 about but it still left me with almost as many questions as I had started with 60 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:18,760 so as we as we go through this discussion there may be some pieces that 61 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:24,320 I'm gonna you know just kind of throw out there and you're gonna have to do a 62 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:28,800 little digging for for the whole picture on some of these things I can't give it 63 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:34,120 all here it literally I mean this has been two weeks that I've been working on 64 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:41,360 this and there's so much more as far as studies that have been done and ideas 65 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:46,520 new and old that have to do with empathy that that I can't I can't cover it all 66 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:54,280 in 45 minutes so if I say something here that sparks your interest or gets you 67 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:59,080 you know thinking maybe I maybe I should look at that then you probably gonna 68 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:04,360 need to look at it on your own because you know I can only do so much so we're 69 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:12,520 gonna start with a very close to me it's very close to me this quote it's by a 70 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:20,120 well you know uncle Walt everybody knows uncle Walt Walt Whitman and he said let 71 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:26,120 me make sure I have the exact wording correct he said I do not ask the wounded 72 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:34,160 person how he feels I myself become the wounded person I think that that that 73 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:45,400 little one sentence quote may be one of the most accurate portrayals of what it 74 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:54,240 really means to have empathy and what I mean by that is as somebody who has for 75 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:59,760 lack of a better word struggled with controlling the amount of empathy that I 76 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:07,600 have or that I exhibit for a good portion of my life it can very much be a 77 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:12,040 double-edged sword most of the empathy that we're going to discuss here that 78 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:16,680 we're going to talk about is something that you will practice something that 79 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:22,160 you will hone something that you will get better with and that's how it is for 80 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:30,220 most people it is it is a skill that they can acquire and it's a there's 81 00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:36,200 definitely a skill that you can you can work on and get better with for me and a 82 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:43,640 few others that I know personally it's it was it was just naturally part of us 83 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:50,080 we maybe it was the way we were raised my mother's very empathic maybe it was 84 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:55,000 you know the area that we were in there could be any number of factors that 85 00:08:55,000 --> 00:09:02,400 apply to making somebody a little bit more empathic than maybe somebody else 86 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:10,840 but whatever the the concoction that created me and the environment that I 87 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:20,680 was in I have oftentimes had issues where I I will have I can't think of 88 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:24,160 another way of saying it and I couldn't really find a term for it but inadvertent 89 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:29,560 empathy is the best way of putting it and what I mean by that is sometimes 90 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:36,440 we'll go to the store or you know we'll be out somewhere and well you know 91 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:40,360 actually let me let me put it this way some of you may have seen the movie 92 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:46,480 unbreakable if you haven't seen it I'm gonna describe a scene without spoilers 93 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:54,680 for the most part there is a scene in the like close to the middle but closer 94 00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:58,880 like in between the middle and the end of the movie where the main character 95 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:09,160 is played by Bruce Willis is in a train station a train a train tunnel type area 96 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,720 I don't they might they might have actually been like Grand Central Station 97 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:16,920 I don't know I don't remember where exactly he was but he's there with his 98 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:25,720 hands out in the middle of this train area and as people walk by him and he's 99 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:31,880 he his hand brushes up against them or he grazes them he sees these brief 100 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:38,480 images of them being happy or sad or you know just just different things that are 101 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:43,720 going on in their life and as he's as he's doing that once again I'm gonna 102 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:49,240 try not to spoil anything even though the movies like 15 years old or maybe 103 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:54,120 even older than that actually he basically reaches his hands out and is 104 00:10:54,120 --> 00:11:01,720 is experiencing a cheater face way of doing empathy nobody can know nobody 105 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,360 that I know of can actually go up and touch somebody and see their memories 106 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:10,440 and what's going on in their life elsewhere this guy can so but that gives 107 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:14,760 you an idea of what I'm talking about in this next part if you've seen that 108 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:19,440 movie and you understand the scene that that can happen to a certain degree and 109 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:24,840 it has happened to me many times as I said in another episode one of my 110 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:30,000 favorite things to do especially as a teenager was to just go places and 111 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:37,080 people watch and this this empathy discussion ties directly to that I loved 112 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:42,720 going out and seeing the looks on people's faces and the way that they 113 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,720 would communicate with each other the way that you know some couples would 114 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:50,800 hold hands and the way that some people would bicker with each other or fight I 115 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:56,400 loved seeing that because I was learning human interaction the entire time and 116 00:11:56,400 --> 00:12:01,240 it's just something that's always been a fascination of mine is trying to 117 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:07,360 understand people and using that understanding to predict people the 118 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:14,280 hours and hours that I spent in malls and virgin megastore and all these other 119 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:21,080 places just standing and watching people ended up being invaluable for the rest 120 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:25,360 of my life so there were a lot of times where we would be in a place I would be 121 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:31,000 you know in a mall in one of the walkways in the mall and I would just 122 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,920 stand obviously I wouldn't stand there in a raincoat with my hands out like 123 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:38,160 Bruce Willis because I wouldn't have made any sense but I do I would stand in 124 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:42,680 a crowd and I wouldn't you know close my eyes or go into a trance or any of that 125 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:47,240 stuff but I would I could just sit as long as I was able to be close enough to 126 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:50,760 people to really see that you know the affection on the face and things like 127 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:57,480 that I would sit and I would try to read whether they were happy or sad whether 128 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:04,240 they were angry what they're angry about all of these different emotions and as I 129 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:10,640 the more I did it the stronger I got out of the better I got at it so even 130 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:16,200 people that were hiding emotions kind of become open books after you've you've 131 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:22,080 honed your empathy the way that I had and that goes back to the original point 132 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:28,160 of this when you practice and perfect not perfect I don't want to sound like 133 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:33,120 I'm being a dick but when you practice to the point or to the goal of 134 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:42,520 perfection it can really create it can open a open a crazy door where all of a 135 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:47,880 sudden you were just walking through a public place and you see somebody and 136 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:52,800 you immediately feel pain or you immediately feel discomfort or you feel 137 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:58,720 whatever shame and you don't know why you don't know why you don't realize 138 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:02,080 you're picking it up from just some random person that you saw but that's 139 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,960 what that's what happens and it happens all the time so when I say that when I 140 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:11,200 say that empathy you know could be troubling for some people that's really 141 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:17,400 what I mean no that's not to say that it's it's necessarily bad it's just 142 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,240 uncomfortable especially if you don't really understand where it's coming from 143 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:27,520 it can be really disconcerting to have your emotions change based upon the 144 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:33,120 people around you at least in that way where you kind of feel like oh that 145 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:37,480 person's sad I'm sad that person's happy I'm happy so it's really important as 146 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:46,200 you learn to flex your empathy muscles that you're able to maintain a strong 147 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:55,640 personal emotional state to help kind of create a barrier between the the 148 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,840 emotions that you're taking in from other people and the emotions that 149 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:02,720 you're actually trying to feel yourself now why are we doing this why are we 150 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:10,280 talking about empathy as a subject at all well if you go back to the episode 151 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:16,920 two we talked about how there are certain aspects of people's 152 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:23,480 personalities that seemingly a lot of people agreed that these are these are 153 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:27,280 the things that are the most important aspects of becoming a good person of 154 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:31,160 being a good person empathy was one of those things and really that just makes 155 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:37,480 a lot of sense right like the ability to kind of relate to others on an emotional 156 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:41,520 level to be able to understand their pain to be able to understand what 157 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:45,160 they're going through that's where compassion comes from that's where 158 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:50,920 understanding comes from that's where all of the abilities to reach beyond 159 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:55,760 yourself reach beyond the things that you need and help somebody where they 160 00:15:55,760 --> 00:16:00,680 are that's where that comes from there's a I don't remember his name now there's 161 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:06,000 a psychologist that once said the empathy is looking into someone else's 162 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:11,320 eyes and seeing the world through their eyes and that most people don't 163 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:16,920 understand that they think that they think that empathy is looking into 164 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:21,760 someone else's eyes and seeing the world reflected in their eyes but that's not 165 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:26,200 the case what you're trying to do is really understand it from their point 166 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:30,040 of view the whole walk a mile and someone else's shoes thing that's what 167 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,440 you're trying to do you're trying to understand it from their point of view 168 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:37,720 and so with that in mind we're gonna talk about this next part here and this 169 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,760 is part that a lot of people are gonna disagree with and some people are gonna 170 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:46,480 have real problems with and this is not an attempt to swing this podcast into a 171 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:54,480 political discussion but that is in today's world empathy is on the decline 172 00:16:54,480 --> 00:17:03,120 they actually have all sorts of ways of testing this and seeing the what they 173 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:07,200 call the social empathy levels and they have been declining and declining for 174 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:11,560 over a decade now as a society and this is not just American society this is 175 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:20,280 throughout the world as a society as humans we are losing our empathy it is 176 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:28,320 becoming more and more scarce it is a finite resource that is that is well as 177 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:33,400 of right now it's a finite resource that is we're losing in this world one one 178 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:44,960 researcher said that empathy is studying empathy as a as a researcher now is much 179 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:51,840 like being a climate scientist studying the polar ice caps now you're just 180 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,480 starting to understand how important they are you're just starting to 181 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:58,640 understand how you know how much research needs to be done and how we 182 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:02,680 need to focus on these things as they're disappearing you said this is the same 183 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,840 thing with empathy is that it really does feel like it's just going further 184 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:10,480 and further away and one of the reasons for that is the massive political divide 185 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:15,640 especially in America where one side is this way and one side is the other way 186 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:20,600 and if you voted for this or you voted for that you're you're just so there's 187 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:25,560 just such polar opposites and we immediately throw ourselves into the 188 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:31,840 farthest camp to one side or the other and listen let me tell you those that 189 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:36,160 know me those that were are getting to know me they know exactly where I stand 190 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:42,920 on this historically speaking I am not exactly the most empathetic or tolerant 191 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:47,840 person when it comes to certain ideologies and a lot of that stems from 192 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:53,880 this idea well my firmly held belief that we should never ever be empathetic 193 00:18:53,880 --> 00:19:01,360 or tolerate hatred or bigotry or you know we should not reach out with with 194 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:10,320 love in our hearts for those ideologies for the people yes but when when they 195 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:15,560 come with those ideologies as their shield and their sword you at that point 196 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:20,800 in time you have to turn your back you cannot you cannot try to relate to 197 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:27,560 someone that is actively trying to destroy the people that you love the 198 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:33,160 whatever group you're belong to you can't you can't do that so just with 199 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:36,760 that in mind there are a lot of people in this country that have thrown 200 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:42,800 themselves in with one side or the other but they don't necessarily prescribe to 201 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:48,120 the ideals and the you know the the crazy fringe beliefs of either side 202 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:53,160 they're a little bit more in the middle but they've just chosen a side to have 203 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:57,560 as the title you know to have the R or the D next to their name and these are 204 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:02,880 the people that you know that can be reasoned with that can be talked to you 205 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,840 can try to make an you can try to get an understanding of their side of things 206 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:11,480 and how they come about you know which side they're gonna join and things like 207 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:17,760 that these are the people that empathy is the most important for and these are 208 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,840 the people that you know if you are somebody with a big D next to your name 209 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:26,240 you really should be reaching out to people with the big R next to their name 210 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:32,720 much more than you have because when you when you when you sit and you talk with 211 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:39,120 these people and you try to understand why they feel the way they do and that 212 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:42,880 means really sitting and listening that doesn't mean sitting and you know 213 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:46,840 waiting for your chance to rebut whatever they say that's not that's 214 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,600 not the point the point is you you say you know why do you feel this way how 215 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:54,680 did you arrive at this where where does this come from I'm genuinely curious 216 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:58,120 and I'd like to understand your thought process and then let them answer just 217 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:01,400 let them answer and then when they're done you can say okay that's interesting 218 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:05,640 because I this is how I feel about it and this is how I've arrived at it and 219 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:09,080 when you have those kind of empathetic discussions where you are truly 220 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:13,800 genuinely listening to each other and you're trying to find a way not 221 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:18,400 necessarily to meet in the middle ground but to understand how you've each arrived 222 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:23,200 at the viewpoints that you have it becomes a lot easier to be empathetic 223 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:28,400 now what I found and you know the limited amount of research I've done 224 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:34,360 into this particular part of the the social empathy breaking down due to 225 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:41,800 politics is that our quickness to retreat to our corners to each individual 226 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:48,760 corner is is it's not necessarily because we have these like really strong 227 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:54,240 like personal beliefs that we have actually gone out and done the work and 228 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:59,360 you know this I have had my hands in the trenches and this is the reasoning that 229 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,560 I came up with usually it's just as simple as this is what was passed down 230 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:07,920 to us it's a generational thing it's not really about oh I've lived this life and 231 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:12,080 this is how I've arrived at this conclusion it's more just oh well this 232 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:17,160 is what my mom and dad thought and they taught me this and I don't want to I 233 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:22,360 don't want to go further than that it's the same same general concept as a lot 234 00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:25,880 of religion a lot of religion is just handed down from generation to generation 235 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:31,760 and it takes what people of a certain mindset to start to kind of buck that 236 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:37,840 trend and they say oh well my parents were this I'm not that and sometimes 237 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,360 you know sometimes they go with a different religion sometimes they just 238 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:45,280 go against religion not against but you know they have no religion but those 239 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,720 that doesn't happen as often as you would you would think or even as often 240 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:54,880 as I would necessarily like where each of those people arrive at their decisions 241 00:22:54,880 --> 00:23:03,160 through careful contemplation and you know thought and understanding of how it 242 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,880 affects their life and the lives of those in there and you know in their 243 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:11,120 family well but what is this all what am I saying here about empathy well 244 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:16,000 empathy is in every single part of what I just said you know you you are making 245 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:20,720 decisions based on empathy now some people and we're gonna get into that in 246 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:27,960 a second and get into this in a second some people don't know if or when or 247 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:33,880 they even believe that they have experienced empathy there are as I said 248 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:39,200 before people out there that think of it as kind of a frou frou word that you know 249 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:43,120 doesn't really mean anything and it's like you know you might as well talk 250 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:47,680 about you know astrology and gyms and things like that they put it in with 251 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:53,240 that category of kind of metaphysical stuff and and unfortunately these people 252 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:58,840 are painfully ignorant of the world and the way things work and if you're one of 253 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:02,360 these people listening and you're like all empathy doesn't really exist I'm 254 00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:05,840 sorry I'm sorry to offend you I'm sorry to say these things about you but it's 255 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:12,360 true you are painfully ignorant of the way the world and especially humans work 256 00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:16,120 it really doesn't take much to see that it really doesn't take much to 257 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:23,040 understand that when you see someone in pain you you can feel their pain you 258 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:28,400 know when let's put it this way there are always going to be people that see 259 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:34,080 a child on the street homeless and they not only do they feel bad but they they 260 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:38,480 do what they can do to help that child whether it be a kid on his own or a kid 261 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:42,640 with family whatever people see that and they their heart breaks and they need to 262 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:46,520 help they feel that drive to help and they're always gonna be people that look 263 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:51,520 at that kid and they say oh that's sad but it's not my problem and then there's 264 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:57,280 going to be people that don't look at that kid the people from it's not my 265 00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:03,180 problem up they still are showing some form of empathy they understand that it's 266 00:25:03,180 --> 00:25:10,120 sad they understand the the ramifications they understand the tragedy 267 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:16,160 now how they respond to it that's not necessarily that could be varying levels 268 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:20,200 of empathy that they're showing but it's not really necessarily tied empathy 269 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:26,800 that's more the response to what they're feeling but those people that say there 270 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,760 are that don't look at it at all they just continue walking and don't pay it 271 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:36,520 any mind those are the people that I'm talking about not only do are they are 272 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:43,040 they so divorced from their emotions and the under understanding of emotion and 273 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:48,960 the status of others around them but they are actively trying to avoid those 274 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,600 things they don't want to look at it they don't want to see it they don't 275 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:57,800 want to feel those emotions and those are the people that will slowly over time 276 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:02,720 start to develop this idea that well these things just don't exist because 277 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,960 they are actively trying to not like them exist and it can be uncomfortable 278 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,840 you know it could be uncomfortable especially to be around those people but 279 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:15,360 also I imagine to be those people because there takes it there's a certain 280 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:18,600 level of cognitive dissonance that you have to you have to go through when 281 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:22,960 you're walking down the street of a city and you see someone suffering and 282 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:28,960 instead of even you know being a human and looking them in the eye and saying 283 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:32,360 are you okay or you know have a good day or even you know even stuff like that 284 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:40,000 but the ability to just completely disregard their existence that's well 285 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:44,640 that's something I can't relate to and and I hope if you're listening to this 286 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:48,480 that that's something that you're you can't relate to as well because that is 287 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:51,640 the exact thing that we're trying to fight that is the exact thing that we're 288 00:26:51,640 --> 00:27:01,760 trying to change because we've spent too much of our lives with the social 289 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:08,640 empathy levels going down and people getting colder and colder and colder and 290 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:13,760 sooner or later those people all of us are gonna be the ones that need that 291 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:20,480 help and it's coming a lot sooner than you think and once again this isn't a 292 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:24,880 political podcast and I don't want to get into the weeds with this but with 293 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,800 what's going on in the world today the things that are happening the genocides 294 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:34,680 that we see around us it is more important than ever ever to really reach 295 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:40,240 down and find your center and what you thought what you believe in and what you 296 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:45,760 feel is right and use that to guide you as you go through this world and show 297 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:53,560 empathy and kindness and compassion for those around you because we all need it 298 00:27:53,560 --> 00:28:00,240 right now now we're gonna start talking about some practices and exercises that 299 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:07,080 we can do or that we all should to be doing to help strengthen our empathy but 300 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:11,760 before we dive into that I wanted to cap off that little segment that we just did 301 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:19,120 with another quote because I actually stumbled upon this and like a week ago 302 00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:24,880 and have been holding it because it's it's one of those ones where it just 303 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:33,200 kind of hit me really hard psychologist Daniel Goldman who has written maybe 304 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:37,000 books that you may have heard of emotional intelligence and social 305 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:41,760 intelligence these are pretty well-known books he writes in the social in the 306 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:47,080 book social intelligence self-absorption in all its forms kills 307 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:52,760 empathy let alone compassion when we focus on ourselves our world contracts 308 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:57,480 as our problems and preoccupations loom large but when we focus on others our 309 00:28:57,480 --> 00:29:03,080 world expands our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so they 310 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:08,920 seem smaller and we increase our capacity for connection or compassionate 311 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:14,280 action I can't tell you how excited I am to read that quote now I haven't read 312 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:21,360 that book yet but I will be reading that book to read that quote and it just hits 313 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:31,320 me as as this this newfound drive that I have to bring positivity and light and 314 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:36,920 love into the world after having years and years of darkness personal darkness 315 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:45,800 and this quote really does it really hits home because the whole idea of and 316 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:50,760 you see it all around you of self-absorption killing empathy just like 317 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:54,320 I talked about you know on the on the street you see these people walking down 318 00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:58,400 the street and they don't even notice the pain around them they don't notice 319 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:03,120 the the despair as they're literally waiting through it to get from point A 320 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:06,680 to point B they don't even notice it and this isn't you know a lot of the times 321 00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:10,240 when I when I use that imagery people will conjure up this idea of like a 322 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:14,720 businessman in a suit this briefcase but they're not the only ones doing it 323 00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:19,480 there's a lot of you know club goers and things like that they're the walk around 324 00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:26,320 downtown I've known multiple people that work downtown in the city that I'm in 325 00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:33,800 and when they first started working there I knew them as kind caring 326 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:39,480 compassionate people who would stop and help and you know have a kind of word 327 00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:47,520 but they became so calloused and uncaring by what they were seeing on a 328 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:55,040 daily basis which to a certain degree is understandable but you know they by two 329 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:59,720 years later these are people that were literally stepping over homeless people 330 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:04,040 on the street and say and complaining about them and saying you know why don't 331 00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:08,840 they they're just smelly you know like these are people that did a complete 180 332 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:13,360 and these are people at one point in time I would have I would have bet money 333 00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:17,720 on that they could you know they were one of the nicest kindest people but they 334 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:24,040 just that that entire culture of kind of business and working in that kind of 335 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:27,880 frantic pace and things like that and then when somebody falls over in your 336 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:33,960 doorstep it's you stop you stop being compassionate after it happens eight 337 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:38,920 times and you start just saying well this is a pain in the ass I don't know 338 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:45,120 if I could ever get to that point I would like to think that I can't but I 339 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:52,120 also find it very sad when you see people that make that turn from 340 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:59,040 compassion and empathy to cold hard nothing that really that really is a 341 00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:05,600 tragedy and I I mourn for their loss because it's very difficult to get back 342 00:32:05,600 --> 00:32:11,280 to where you started so what can you do how do you get back how do you how do 343 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:16,360 you make the change to start practicing empathy and start understanding it a 344 00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:20,960 little bit better well now here's here's where we're gonna it's gonna kind of 345 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:24,360 diverge a little bit in this discussion because I'm gonna talk about two things 346 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:29,960 at once they do they do matter so there are a lot of psychologists and 347 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:34,920 neuroscientists and things like that that have begun to adopt the idea that 348 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:39,600 empathy is not just empathy there are actually three different kinds of 349 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:44,080 empathy and all of this makes a lot of sense because not everybody processes 350 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:51,200 empathy the same way and so empathy is an umbrella term and underneath that 351 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:59,240 we've got cognitive empathy emotional empathy and empathic concern or also 352 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:04,520 compassion is basically what that would be now I'm gonna use a example that I'm 353 00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:09,840 actually pulling off of a story here because it really is a I can't I 354 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:13,040 couldn't think of a better one this really does illustrate the difference 355 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:17,680 between the three types of empathy so imagine that you're you know having 356 00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:21,680 lunch or dinner with a friend and they get a phone call you don't know who 357 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:25,600 they're talking to you don't hear what's on the other line you're just sitting 358 00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,760 there waiting for your friend to get off the phone and all of a sudden your 359 00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:34,920 friend their face changes and they start to cry now some people when their friend 360 00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:41,680 starts to cry they will immediately feel like crying they'll immediately feel 361 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:48,040 like that sadness that that part that when you immediately start to feel those 362 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:54,040 emotions that's emotional empathy it's it's emotional empathy is is sharing 363 00:33:54,040 --> 00:34:02,560 emotion vicariously and that's really all that is now some people and I think 364 00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:08,400 I fall I fall somewhere in in between emotional empathy personally this is I 365 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:11,600 fall between emotional empathy and cognitive empathy because some people 366 00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:17,440 will see the person crying and you'll start to kind of process the not not 367 00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:22,480 necessarily the you know the feeling of the emotion but why are they why are 368 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:25,600 they like that what can you do to help them how you'll start to there'll be a 369 00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:29,840 more of an intellectual approach to it you'll start to say oh what what are they 370 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:35,840 feeling why are they feeling it and that's that's cognitive empathy and then 371 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:40,520 the next part of that is you know this is somebody who's your friend and you 372 00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:47,720 care for and you see them in pain and so you you want to you know grab them by 373 00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:52,360 the hand or hug them or you know wish them wish them better you know all of 374 00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:58,240 these things that is empathic concern that's that's where the the third part 375 00:34:58,240 --> 00:35:04,120 of empathy comes in is is just the the need to reach out and like I said in the 376 00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:09,280 in the kid on the street thing you know the way that would the way that we react 377 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:17,000 to empathy and our understanding of it is largely determined by which form of 378 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:25,000 empathy we characterize ourselves with most some people are extremely emotional 379 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:30,720 impacts some people are cognitive impacts and some people are extremely 380 00:35:30,720 --> 00:35:35,040 compassionate and concerned in paths they and you can be all three obviously 381 00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:40,240 you have varying levels of all three of those but they're it's important to 382 00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:44,360 remember that none of them are better than the other they're just different 383 00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:48,660 they're just different ways of understanding emotion and the emotional 384 00:35:48,660 --> 00:35:54,520 state of others and and taking it in yourself so again what can we do how do 385 00:35:54,520 --> 00:36:02,200 we make how do we make this easier on all of us to express and strengthen our 386 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:06,520 levels of empathy the first thing that you need to understand and this goes 387 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:10,800 with pretty much any of these concepts we're going to discuss is if you don't 388 00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:15,680 have it yourself you can't give it to somebody else there's no water in an 389 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:21,920 empty cup so you you have to be able to show yourself empathy and you have to be 390 00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,760 able to be kind and caring and honest with yourself all of these different 391 00:36:25,760 --> 00:36:29,200 concepts we've discussed already and the concepts that we're going to discuss 392 00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:35,240 from this point on and any of the episodes are gonna deal with taking care 393 00:36:35,240 --> 00:36:40,240 of you now we're gonna discuss this in another episode there is a there is a 394 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:47,080 whole swath of social media and therapy talk that the talks about you know 395 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:51,120 prioritizing yourself and this and that and none of them none of them are wrong 396 00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:57,560 but we will have an episode in the future about what they call main 397 00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:02,640 character thinking I call it main character syndrome but this this idea 398 00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:06,640 that you are the center of the world we don't want to quite get there you don't 399 00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:10,200 need to get there with your empathy you don't need to be well I'm the only one 400 00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:13,780 that matters because I'm the main character so I'm gonna work on just me 401 00:37:13,780 --> 00:37:21,640 you don't need to quite get there but it is important to show yourself kindness 402 00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:26,160 and love and there's a really great way of doing this or a really great way of 403 00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:30,400 thinking about this think about like take a step for a second and think about 404 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:34,080 yourself and something that you're really struggling with whether it be a 405 00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:40,400 situation or an emotion whatever it may be think about how it makes you feel 406 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:44,000 think about the effect that it's having on your life and then when you think 407 00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:49,760 about it once you've got it and you understand it a little bit take a step 408 00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:56,920 back and say okay now let's say your best friend comes to you and they say 409 00:37:56,920 --> 00:38:01,200 I'm having a problem with this and they tell you that their problem is whatever 410 00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:04,540 it is you've you've come to agree on yourself where you've come to realize 411 00:38:04,540 --> 00:38:10,840 with yourself you say okay well how would I how would I advise my friend how 412 00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:15,320 would I help my friend if my friend came to me and said I've got a problem with 413 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:20,240 seeing myself as beautiful I don't feel good as an example but I don't feel good 414 00:38:20,240 --> 00:38:24,600 about the way I look I don't feel good about the way I feel about myself I'm 415 00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:28,600 having a real problem with that if they came to you and said that how would you 416 00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:32,640 advise them well the interesting thing about this is pretty much across the 417 00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:37,720 board anybody that answers that question is gonna answer it correctly they're 418 00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:41,900 gonna say well I would you know I would give them advice and I would tell them 419 00:38:41,900 --> 00:38:44,520 they're beautiful I would tell them how I think about them I would tell them to 420 00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:47,700 see the world see I wish I could see they could see themselves the way I see 421 00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:50,560 them and I would tell them you know they would have they would have all these 422 00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:55,040 things that they could tell them and I'm sure that some of them would would help 423 00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:59,360 their friend help the friend understand their value help their friend understand 424 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:06,320 that they are beautiful inside and out. And that's great that you can do that. 425 00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:12,920 The problem is that that's where it stops for most people because even though 426 00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:21,480 you can take a moment to diagnose the problem for yourself and then put it 427 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:26,920 into this hypothetical, most of us don't have the ability to tell ourselves those 428 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:31,160 same things. The advice that you would give to the imaginary friend in this 429 00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:35,400 hypothetical is the same advice you should be giving yourself, but most of us 430 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:41,000 don't give ourselves that much grace. So we tell our friend, oh no, you're good. 431 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:45,320 Oh no, you are beautiful. You are wonderful. I know that you don't feel it, 432 00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:50,040 but you are and the world sees it and we understand your value and we 433 00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,840 understand how important you are. And all of these things that you would 434 00:39:52,840 --> 00:39:57,800 build your friend up with, most of us never say that to ourselves. Most of us 435 00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:03,160 never have those same kind words and those same moments of true self 436 00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:08,040 appreciation. You have to be empathetic towards yourself. You have to be 437 00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:16,000 understanding of yourself to really be able to pass that on to others and be 438 00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:21,720 able to flex that muscle for others. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. And 439 00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:28,760 before we continue, the next episode of a Pebble in a Fun podcast will be about 440 00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:35,400 self-care and self-love and how we can really understand how important that is. 441 00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:42,840 And I have a letter that someone wrote me that I'm gonna go ahead and 442 00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:48,120 read and it should be, I think that is very eye-opening and moving and it'll be 443 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:51,400 a, we'll talk about it, we'll discuss it a little bit. So that's the next 444 00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:55,240 episode. I just thought I'd piggyback off that first thing since it kind of 445 00:40:55,240 --> 00:41:00,800 tied in. So where do we get the energy to continue to practice 446 00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:05,440 these things? Where do we, how do we continue to, you know, power ourselves as 447 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:12,320 we're depleting our empathy for others? Well, one of the things that they have 448 00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:19,840 found, researchers have found, is that when you show kindness to others, you 449 00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:25,560 actually become more powerful. You actually get more energy. So if you're 450 00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:31,160 if you're trying to find the energy or find the focus to be empathetic towards 451 00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:35,440 others, one thing that you can do to start is just being kind to others. You 452 00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:37,920 don't have to necessarily understand their emotion, you don't have to 453 00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:40,360 understand their point of view, you don't have to know where they're coming from, 454 00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:46,080 but if you're just kind to others, if you, you know, send a, say a nice thing to 455 00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:50,400 somebody, send a supportive text to somebody who you know is, you know, 456 00:41:50,400 --> 00:41:56,880 having some trouble. If you help somebody across the street or, you know, carry 457 00:41:56,880 --> 00:42:01,480 groceries for somebody, all of these things are things, little tiny kindnesses 458 00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:08,320 that you can do that not only will they profoundly impact the person in that 459 00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:15,800 moment, but they, being that kind and being that helping will give you energy. 460 00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:21,680 It will give you the strength you need to keep going. And I promise you, if you 461 00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:27,200 haven't done any of these things, that it will change your life. You will start to 462 00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:32,720 see the world in a different way once you start exercising these kindness 463 00:42:32,720 --> 00:42:37,000 muscles and once you, once you get to that point where you can, you know, you 464 00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:43,920 kind of habitually want to help people, the next step is really understanding, 465 00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:48,040 understanding the people and you know, how they got there and why they're 466 00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:54,280 there and being able to empathize with their pain so that you can better and 467 00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:59,920 more effectively help them get rid of it. But it starts with, it starts with being 468 00:42:59,920 --> 00:43:04,320 kind and helping people. You don't have to necessarily understand them, but you 469 00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:08,120 need to help them. Understanding can come later and that's where the empathy 470 00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:15,600 comes in. So to get to empathy, use kindness. This next part is, is the next 471 00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:21,880 idea is one we've somewhat already discussed, but I want to bring it up here 472 00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:28,640 because it is a genuinely good exercise and that is try to reach out to more 473 00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:34,200 people that you disagree with. People that are, you know, maybe on the other 474 00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:37,520 side of the political aisle, maybe, maybe they just have a different sports team 475 00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:40,960 that they like, whatever it may be, try to, try to reach out to people that you 476 00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:48,240 disagree with and talk to them. And when I say talk to them, I mean, it's okay to 477 00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:51,320 disagree with their stance. It's okay to disagree with what they're, with their, 478 00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:56,960 you know, where they are with their beliefs, but you don't need to debate 479 00:43:56,960 --> 00:44:03,260 them. You can have a conversation. You can take a few moments to, you know, be 480 00:44:03,260 --> 00:44:10,240 patient, keep your ears open and your mind open and just listen, just listen to 481 00:44:10,240 --> 00:44:13,800 what they have to say. And then hopefully they'll listen to what you have to say. 482 00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:16,880 And then you can, you know, you go back and forth like that and you have a real 483 00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:23,080 conversation where both sides have the ability to express themselves. And what 484 00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:28,240 you'll find in doing that is that it opens up, it opens up your ability to be 485 00:44:28,240 --> 00:44:32,080 empathetic towards others because you're able to kind of bring in and 486 00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:38,360 understand these different mindsets and these different ideas and the places 487 00:44:38,360 --> 00:44:42,360 where people are coming from. Now, there are a lot of people out there, once again, 488 00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:45,640 that have kind of resigned themselves to, I'm not going to talk to these people. I 489 00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:48,480 don't understand these people. I'm not going to deal with these people. Well, 490 00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:52,280 that's, that's, that's the whole problem, right? Like that's, that's counter 491 00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:56,400 intuitive to understanding empathy. The whole idea is to understand where people 492 00:44:56,400 --> 00:45:00,520 come from, to understand how they arrive at these feelings, where these feelings 493 00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:06,720 that, you know, arrive in them from. And if you don't understand it, then you 494 00:45:06,720 --> 00:45:12,160 can't, you'll never be able to bridge that gap. So under, it has to start with 495 00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:15,280 empathy and understanding. You have to try to bridge that gap. And the only way 496 00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:19,480 to do that is through conversation, not debate, not argument. It has to be 497 00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:22,720 through conversation. You have to start to understand where they're coming from. 498 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:28,280 Now this next, this next part isn't going to be, not controversial, but people 499 00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:34,400 aren't going to want to hear it. One of the biggest gaps and reasons for social 500 00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:42,680 empathy to decline is technology. And I mean, it's almost a meme now where people 501 00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:46,200 have their phones in front of them. You know, you'll see pictures of it all over 502 00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:50,120 and things like that. What, what's important to understand is that when we 503 00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:53,880 are out in the world or we're just sitting in our car or whatever we, whatever 504 00:45:53,880 --> 00:46:00,720 we're doing, and we have our phone in our face, we're just sitting there looking at 505 00:46:00,720 --> 00:46:06,880 it. We essentially are pulling ourselves out of the equation, right? Like you're 506 00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:10,320 not looking at other people. You're not, you're not focusing on anyone else 507 00:46:10,320 --> 00:46:15,560 around you. You're just looking at your phone. This is a massive inhibitor for 508 00:46:15,560 --> 00:46:20,520 social empathy. This is one of the things that, it's not a mistake. And any, any 509 00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:24,000 scientists will tell you this, any psychologists will tell you this. It's not a mistake that 510 00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:29,600 as more cell phones got out, more people were using their phones the way they are, 511 00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:34,840 and that the social empathy levels in society declined. That is not a mistake. 512 00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:39,520 That is, that is, that is an easy cause and effect because you don't have to 513 00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:43,200 look around you. You can divorce yourself from the world around you by just 514 00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:48,360 staring at your phone. So what you want to do, and like I said, this isn't going to 515 00:46:48,360 --> 00:46:54,560 be popular, but what you want to do is just for a couple of days, when you, when 516 00:46:54,560 --> 00:47:00,680 you use your phone, wherever the situation may be, take a second, a minute 517 00:47:00,680 --> 00:47:06,920 after you use your phone and self-reflect. Kind of ask yourself some 518 00:47:06,920 --> 00:47:14,640 basic questions like how does this make me feel? What am I thinking? What, what 519 00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:20,280 have I actually done in this time? And for a lot of us, just sitting on your 520 00:47:20,280 --> 00:47:23,920 phone scrolling through whatever social media and things like that is, is 521 00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:29,040 literally just the mindless escape that we use to pass the time. The problem is, 522 00:47:29,040 --> 00:47:37,480 is that in doing that, we are essentially being a net negative or a net zero to 523 00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:42,760 ourselves. We're not actually gaining anything. And for most people, sooner or 524 00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:46,960 later, it does end up being a complete net negative because you'll get on your 525 00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:51,080 phone, you'll see something, especially if you know, you're, you're looking at 526 00:47:51,080 --> 00:47:54,920 current events or you're involved in understanding politics and things like 527 00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:59,440 that, you'll see something and it will make you angry. It will actively decrease 528 00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:05,920 your mood and make you upset. So when you, when you get off your phone, 529 00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:08,560 whatever you're doing, the social media thing, if you're on your phone, let's 530 00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:12,400 say if you're on your phone for more than 30 minutes, take a second and think 531 00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:18,680 about what happened there. Like obviously you picked up your phone to look at 532 00:48:19,040 --> 00:48:24,240 Tik Tok or Instagram or whatever. And now 30 minutes have gone by an hour has 533 00:48:24,240 --> 00:48:28,240 gone by. Now what is, what has happened there? Have you learned anything? Have 534 00:48:28,240 --> 00:48:32,640 you gained any emotional, you know, have you, have you gotten better emotionally? 535 00:48:33,240 --> 00:48:37,920 Have you completely disregarded all of the people around you, uh, while you 536 00:48:37,920 --> 00:48:42,160 wandered with your phone in your hand? And how do you feel about all that? 537 00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:46,520 How do you feel about the time that you've just spent doing that? Now, this 538 00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:50,320 is not me saying, oh, you need to move away from your phones and all this. 539 00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:55,760 That's not, I'm not preaching about phone use. What I'm saying is that it 540 00:48:55,760 --> 00:49:00,920 is important to understand that, especially on social media, there is a 541 00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:05,000 large echo chamber, which I'm sure everybody understands what that is now. 542 00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:09,720 Um, there's large echo chambers that have formed all over the place and we'll 543 00:49:09,720 --> 00:49:13,760 get in there and we'll, we'll have the best intentions and we'll just be doing 544 00:49:13,760 --> 00:49:17,720 this to pass the time or whatever. And then we'll come out negative. We'll come 545 00:49:17,720 --> 00:49:24,480 out hurting. We'll come out, uh, and this is, we'll come out angry. Well, angry 546 00:49:24,480 --> 00:49:29,240 is a, is a big problem. This is not to say that there can't be anything positive 547 00:49:29,240 --> 00:49:33,840 that comes from social media. I'm not, I have, I have very strong opinions about 548 00:49:33,840 --> 00:49:39,840 social media dating back to when it first started to come around. Um, but 549 00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:47,880 let's just say that it's, uh, it is a true double edged sword and one that I 550 00:49:47,880 --> 00:49:54,840 think we are, uh, in the process of impaling ourselves on. So if you're going 551 00:49:54,840 --> 00:50:01,760 to be on your phone, do so, uh, consciously don't don't it's the, we 552 00:50:01,760 --> 00:50:08,160 don't want it to be an unconscious habit that you just do. Um, try to try to 553 00:50:08,720 --> 00:50:13,160 regain control of yourself in terms of those, those habits. Now this is not 554 00:50:13,400 --> 00:50:17,880 doing these things are, that's not going to increase your empathy, but not being 555 00:50:17,880 --> 00:50:23,480 on your phone, uh, gives you the opportunity, not, not wasting a bunch of 556 00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:29,880 time, making yourself angry, looking at social media, um, is, is going to give 557 00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:33,440 you more time. It's going to, it's going to increase your ability for human 558 00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:37,200 connection. It's going to, you know, instead of being on your phone while 559 00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,960 you're at the grocery store, walking up and down the aisles with, you know, 560 00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:47,520 whoever you're with, um, you, you instead can nod and smile and interact and, you 561 00:50:47,520 --> 00:50:51,480 know, be there with the person that you're there with shopping. Uh, all of 562 00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:55,600 these things are important. And let me, let me state that again, uh, be there 563 00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:59,280 with the person is a really important idea because one of the things that, 564 00:50:59,280 --> 00:51:02,880 I know, uh, and I'm sure that most people listen to this know from personal 565 00:51:02,880 --> 00:51:09,400 experience is that phones truly do inhibit, uh, personal interaction with 566 00:51:09,400 --> 00:51:14,080 the people that you care about. Uh, we just recently had Thanksgiving and 567 00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:18,720 there was a point in time when, uh, a few of us were sitting on the couch and all 568 00:51:18,720 --> 00:51:22,280 of us were on our phone. And my mom was sitting there and she said, you, you 569 00:51:22,280 --> 00:51:24,480 were, everybody just pulled out their phone. They're all, you're all on your 570 00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:29,200 phone. Now I was, you know, this is not to defend myself, but I was, you know, 571 00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:33,940 but I said at the time I was actually posting a tick tock, uh, at the time. 572 00:51:33,940 --> 00:51:39,520 So I, I, I've been doing that, uh, you know, to get this message out. So to me, 573 00:51:39,560 --> 00:51:44,320 I felt like I was doing something important, but her point is not, not 574 00:51:44,320 --> 00:51:51,600 wrong. And it's not lost on me that, um, you know, it's to be sitting there as a 575 00:51:51,600 --> 00:51:58,800 family at Thanksgiving, uh, and everybody's on their phones a day when 576 00:51:58,800 --> 00:52:02,600 we're supposed to be thankful for each other and, you know, connecting with 577 00:52:02,600 --> 00:52:07,520 each other, uh, is not a good look. And it's important to remember that, that, 578 00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:10,760 you know, when you, when you're sitting there, you know, you're in the kitchen 579 00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:14,600 with your significant other and you're trying to do something and they're just 580 00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:17,640 on their phone. You're trying to talk to them and they're just on their phone. 581 00:52:17,880 --> 00:52:21,000 You're trying to have a moment with them and they're just on their phone. It can, 582 00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:25,960 it can really hurt you. And so it's important for each of us take ownership 583 00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:33,440 of that and move past technology as an inhibitor and start using it, uh, to 584 00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:38,480 engage with people and, you know, understand that the time that you're using, 585 00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:43,400 the time that you're kind of throwing away the time that you're killing, as the 586 00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:48,640 phrase goes, uh, is time that you could instead be using to help yourself and 587 00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:53,120 others and make this world a better place. Now I've overshot here, so we're 588 00:52:53,120 --> 00:52:56,640 going to get to this last one. Um, and then we're going to wrap it up really 589 00:52:56,640 --> 00:52:58,080 fast. Um, 590 00:53:00,320 --> 00:53:02,760 and I think, I think that this is the reason why I want to make sure I get this 591 00:53:02,760 --> 00:53:05,360 in is I think this is really one of the most important things that you can do. 592 00:53:06,040 --> 00:53:13,080 And that is as you get better at understanding these empathic feelings and 593 00:53:13,080 --> 00:53:18,720 you get better at, uh, kind of flexing the muscle, you're going to start to 594 00:53:18,720 --> 00:53:24,400 notice more when other people are empathic, when other people are doing 595 00:53:24,400 --> 00:53:31,920 things that are empathic. And a lot of times you'll in the, in the past, or 596 00:53:31,960 --> 00:53:35,760 before you start to make these realizations, you may have, you know, 597 00:53:36,120 --> 00:53:40,240 just looked at it and thought, oh, that's cool. We've got to get past that. 598 00:53:40,280 --> 00:53:44,360 We have to start praising people for their empathy. We need to start seeing 599 00:53:44,360 --> 00:53:50,600 these actions and decisions that people are making based on empathy. And we 600 00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:53,520 need to praise that. We need to make sure that we call it out and we say, 601 00:53:53,520 --> 00:53:59,480 Hey, that was really cool that you were able to, you know, identify this, 602 00:53:59,680 --> 00:54:04,440 whatever emotional state and react to it and help somebody like really make 603 00:54:04,440 --> 00:54:08,440 sure that you're reinforcing, not just yourself, but the people around you. 604 00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:14,440 Um, when they're, when they're practicing empathy, um, the more you see 605 00:54:14,440 --> 00:54:18,680 it, the more you will see it, the more you call it out, the more you're 606 00:54:18,680 --> 00:54:22,440 going to feel it yourself. And when you go up to somebody and you say, Hey, 607 00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:26,320 that was really good what you did for to help that person, you'll find yourself 608 00:54:26,320 --> 00:54:31,680 wanting to do it more too. It kind of snowballs in that, in that sense, where 609 00:54:31,920 --> 00:54:37,760 you know, when you, when you recognize something, uh, you see it more, just 610 00:54:37,760 --> 00:54:41,320 just think about it like this. This is something that is almost universal for 611 00:54:41,320 --> 00:54:48,400 people. You go out to buy a new car or you, your family has a car and you, you 612 00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:51,680 know, I'm, I don't, I'm not gonna, I can't think of a car off the top of my head, 613 00:54:51,680 --> 00:54:59,440 but, uh, let's say they have blank car and then they sell it. Well, you've 614 00:54:59,440 --> 00:55:05,560 spent X number of years in, in this car. Well, now from that point on, I promise 615 00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:09,760 you that you're going to notice that car. The same thing goes for if you go out 616 00:55:09,760 --> 00:55:13,280 and you buy a new car and you think, Oh, this is a really cool car. I haven't 617 00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:16,920 seen this car a lot on the streets. As soon as you get in that car, you're 618 00:55:16,920 --> 00:55:22,040 going to see that car everywhere because now it's in your mind. Now, now 619 00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:27,320 you're, you're, you're actively thinking about it all the time. The same thing 620 00:55:27,320 --> 00:55:31,520 goes for people and traits in people. If you are walking down the street and you 621 00:55:31,520 --> 00:55:35,520 see somebody that you find very attractive, you're going to start to 622 00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:42,160 notice those traits in other people that, you know, maybe, I don't know, maybe you 623 00:55:42,160 --> 00:55:47,440 really liked the way somebody's hair was cut and you were very attracted to that. 624 00:55:47,440 --> 00:55:52,640 Well, from that point on, you're going to start to look for that hairstyle. That 625 00:55:52,640 --> 00:55:54,920 was the person you saw on the street. You're never going to have any interaction 626 00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:58,880 with them again, but if you can find, you know, or maybe you, maybe you mentioned 627 00:55:58,880 --> 00:56:02,560 to your significant other, Oh, this would look really good. Maybe, and you 628 00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:05,360 know, not all those things are fair. Not all those things are right, but I'm just 629 00:56:05,360 --> 00:56:08,560 saying you start to look for those things that you find attractive. You start 630 00:56:08,560 --> 00:56:11,400 to look for those things that are in your mind. The same thing goes with empathy. 631 00:56:11,400 --> 00:56:16,040 If you start to focus on it and you start to understand it, you start to look 632 00:56:16,040 --> 00:56:23,640 for it. And when you find it, praise it and encourage it, reinforce it. And 633 00:56:23,640 --> 00:56:27,200 people will do the same for you. And that's how we really get this ball 634 00:56:27,200 --> 00:56:33,320 rolling in a, in a really, really strong and positive way. Okay. So we're going to 635 00:56:33,320 --> 00:56:37,920 go ahead and start to wrap it up because we've overshot by quite a bit here, but 636 00:56:37,920 --> 00:56:42,200 this is a topic, like I said at the start, that is just, there's just too much 637 00:56:42,200 --> 00:56:47,760 to get to and it's just too difficult to kind of boil it down. I wanted to go 638 00:56:47,760 --> 00:56:52,160 into this episode. Originally I went in with the idea of being able to just drop 639 00:56:52,160 --> 00:56:56,160 a bunch of knowledge on everybody. And as I started to uncover more and more 640 00:56:56,160 --> 00:57:00,440 and more about the topics and understand, I knew, I realized that if I tried to do 641 00:57:00,440 --> 00:57:06,120 that, this would first of all sound like stereo instructions and it just, I 642 00:57:06,120 --> 00:57:09,200 wouldn't get to it all. So I thought instead we would just go through and have 643 00:57:09,200 --> 00:57:11,680 a quick conversation about all of these different things we talked about. And 644 00:57:11,680 --> 00:57:16,200 hopefully some of these things sparked your interest and made you understand 645 00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:24,280 just how deep and wide this field is and how important empathy is just in general. 646 00:57:24,280 --> 00:57:29,480 The other two topics we've discussed, honesty and kindness. Honesty is a, you 647 00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:38,520 know, an age-old idea that is, you know, literally ingrained in our DNA. So 648 00:57:38,520 --> 00:57:42,160 that's something that has been studied and studied and studied, but 649 00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:45,720 it's just such a simple concept that there's really not much that needs to be 650 00:57:45,720 --> 00:57:50,680 discussed there. Kindness, as I said in that episode, is something that 651 00:57:50,680 --> 00:57:56,520 really hasn't been studied, nowhere near as much as it should have been. Well, 652 00:57:56,520 --> 00:58:07,180 empathy is extremely well studied and it has, the understanding of it is one 653 00:58:07,180 --> 00:58:11,960 that has shifted over the years and we do have a better understanding that it 654 00:58:11,960 --> 00:58:16,040 is not something that you are born with. It is something that you, you know, you 655 00:58:16,040 --> 00:58:19,800 acquire it through your early years, but then it's something that you 656 00:58:19,800 --> 00:58:25,360 practice and you get stronger at. And if you don't practice it and you don't get 657 00:58:25,360 --> 00:58:31,280 stronger with it, it will atrophy. If you do not practice empathy, it will atrophy 658 00:58:31,280 --> 00:58:34,280 and you will get to the point where you don't have that ability any longer. And 659 00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:39,900 then it becomes very, very, very difficult to get it back. You can, you can get it 660 00:58:39,900 --> 00:58:43,920 back. So don't think I'm trying to tell you just to give up, but it does become 661 00:58:43,920 --> 00:58:48,440 very difficult and all of these things that I mentioned here can help you kind 662 00:58:48,440 --> 00:58:53,600 of get it back. So as per usual, I'm going to go ahead and wrap this, this 663 00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:59,640 episode up with a quote and I know that, I know that a lot of people are going to 664 00:58:59,640 --> 00:59:03,360 hear me say this and they're going to think that I'm just being ridiculous, but 665 00:59:03,360 --> 00:59:08,040 I just think that it's, it's a funny quote. Steve Martin, and for my money one 666 00:59:08,040 --> 00:59:14,360 of the greatest comedians of all time, said, before you criticize a man, walk a 667 00:59:14,360 --> 00:59:19,560 mile in his shoes. That way when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and 668 00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:25,280 you'll have his shoes. Y'all take care. We'll see you for the next episode. It 669 00:59:25,280 --> 00:59:29,960 will be about self-love and self-care. Have a good week. Take care of yourself 670 00:59:29,960 --> 00:59:45,600 and take care of others.