1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,760 Hey folks, before we get this episode started, I just had one quick question for you. 2 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:13,080 If I told you that I had a substance that if you took it, it would make not just you 3 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:18,320 happier, but it would make the people all around you happier. 4 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:24,320 And it would actually... it was scientifically proven to have a domino effect where if you 5 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:31,340 took it and then were next to somebody, then they would have to take it as well. 6 00:00:31,340 --> 00:00:33,480 And then the next person would take it as well. 7 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:40,240 And every single one of them, their lives would be better and happier and more fulfilled. 8 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,680 Would you take it? 9 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:50,740 What if I then told you that the substance was one of the least studied concepts in all 10 00:00:50,740 --> 00:00:55,480 of psychology, in the history of psychology? 11 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,660 Would you think differently then? 12 00:00:57,660 --> 00:01:00,960 Because the substance in question is kindness. 13 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:06,060 And it is one of the least studied concepts in the history of psychology. 14 00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:08,560 Now that has started to change. 15 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:16,940 But we went for decades and decades in this world with hardly any study done on the topic 16 00:01:16,940 --> 00:01:18,960 of kindness. 17 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,920 And that's started to change. 18 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:26,200 There's getting more and more studies, more and more tests and things like that done to 19 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,920 understand it and the effects that it can have. 20 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:33,480 But today we're going to talk about it and we're going to do our own little studies on 21 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:34,480 it. 22 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:38,480 We're going to read a little bit, maybe have some quotes like usual, but we're going to 23 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:43,800 get to the bottom of what it means for us as we move forward into trying to make this 24 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,480 world a better place. 25 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:52,480 Let's go ahead and cue the music. 26 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:29,840 I really like that song. 27 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,080 I like that music. 28 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,840 I should actually give credit where it's due. 29 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:41,720 That's actually a song called Sardana by a gentleman named Kevin MacLeod. 30 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:47,920 It's a royalty free music so I can use it however I'd like. 31 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:48,920 I didn't actually find it. 32 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:50,840 Somebody else found it for me. 33 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,840 I just really like it. 34 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:56,720 I was feeling bad about not giving credit for it because I didn't want people thinking 35 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:00,560 that I played that because I certainly did not. 36 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,000 So kindness, huh? 37 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,840 It should be a pretty easy episode, right? 38 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:07,060 Nothing really too deep to discuss. 39 00:03:07,060 --> 00:03:09,660 Nothing too controversial here. 40 00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:14,720 Let's start with the definition for people that may not know. 41 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:21,840 Kindness is defined as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. 42 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:27,040 One of the interesting parts of when you start to really look at this and start to try to 43 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:35,400 understand it from a psychological point of view is that a lot of written literature on 44 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:45,720 the idea of kindness will include, almost without fail, the idea that kindness is when 45 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:52,320 you do something at your own expense or when you do something without expecting a reward. 46 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:57,320 Which is I think an important part of it but for the way that we're going to talk about 47 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:03,040 it, that's not really that important. 48 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,120 So I just wanted to make sure that if you were doing your own reading and your own studying 49 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:10,800 on these kind of things and that concept came up, I just wanted to address it because it 50 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:16,680 is important but I don't think that it is a be-all end-all. 51 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,480 If you get something out of it then you're no longer kind. 52 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,360 I don't think that's necessarily the case. 53 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:26,920 And for the purposes of our discussion today, we're going to go ahead and say that kindness 54 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:32,560 and compassion are really relatively the same thing. 55 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:38,520 I think that compassion maybe has a little bit more of an emotional subtext to it in 56 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,560 my mind. 57 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:48,200 The definitions are close to the same thing, with compassion being more about worry or 58 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:53,040 concern over the suffering of others. 59 00:04:53,040 --> 00:05:00,080 So since this is episode 3, hopefully you've listened to episode 2 on honesty, and a lot 60 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:07,240 of what we talk about here is going to kind of piggyback off of that a little bit. 61 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:12,000 It's really important to understand that when we're trying to make a change for the better 62 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:21,320 and we're trying to act with kindness in our heart, that we need to do so rooted and stable 63 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,800 in our honesty. 64 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:27,720 We need to know that we're doing it from the heart and that we mean it. 65 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:31,720 We are going to talk about, a little bit later, we're going to talk about the difference between 66 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,800 being kind and being nice. 67 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:39,440 And I think that a lot of people maybe get those two confused. 68 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:45,840 If you're a kind person and it's coming from the heart, then sometimes you do things that 69 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,920 aren't very nice. 70 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:54,640 I know that that seems counterintuitive, but it is unfortunately true that sometimes to 71 00:05:54,640 --> 00:06:01,480 be kind to someone and to show them a kindness, sometimes it does require doing something 72 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,040 that maybe they don't really understand or they might not like. 73 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:13,720 An example of that would be, it is kind to talk to your loved ones about their drinking 74 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:14,840 problems. 75 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:18,720 You're showing concern and you can do it in a kind way. 76 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:23,840 Or if you're concerned about, you have a friend who's being taken advantage of and you see 77 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,080 it and you want to make sure that they understand it. 78 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:30,200 You know that so and so at work is doing this. 79 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:34,560 And so you tell somebody out of kindness because you don't want somebody to be taken advantage 80 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:35,560 of. 81 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:40,600 Now, obviously people will get their feelings hurt in that situation, in all of those situations, 82 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:44,560 and people aren't necessarily going to like what you have to say, but it's still the kind 83 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:50,320 thing to do to be concerned and caring for others and to reach out and try to stop people 84 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:53,600 from taking advantage of them or hurting them if you have that ability. 85 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:59,400 What is a kindness that you can employ where somebody might not appreciate it? 86 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:07,080 We'll go ahead and start shifting gears here with a quote by Abraham Lincoln. 87 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:12,160 He once said, kindness is the only service that will stand the storm of life and not 88 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,160 wash out. 89 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:19,320 It will wear well and will be remembered long after the prism of politeness or the complexion 90 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,080 of courtesy has faded away. 91 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:30,200 I like that quote a lot because it does speak to the enduring nature of kindness and the 92 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:37,560 fact that it will always be considered better than just being polite or courteous. 93 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:42,360 I mean those things are great in certain situations and there's nothing wrong with being polite. 94 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:50,080 Obviously I'm not trying to demonize being polite, but a true kindness, one that is felt 95 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:56,520 and one that comes from the heart, it can change the course of history. 96 00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:06,360 So in studying some of this, one of the more interesting facts that I read was that apparently 97 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:16,020 starting the writer actually said that in the 1980s there was only 35 in the entire 98 00:08:16,020 --> 00:08:23,160 world, 35 papers written by psychologists about the topic of kindness. 99 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:30,120 And to contrast that, the article that I read was actually written in 2021 in the middle 100 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:38,920 of the pandemic and that has changed so much so that in the decade basically from 2011 101 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:46,160 to 2021 there were over a thousand papers and studies done on the topic of kindness 102 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,160 and the effects that it has. 103 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:55,800 So like I said in the intro, this is something that is relatively new science for the psychiatric 104 00:08:55,800 --> 00:09:00,440 community and even for the therapy community to a certain degree. 105 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:04,280 This is not something that is fully studied. 106 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:10,660 The effect that being kind can have on you personally and the effect that it has on others. 107 00:09:10,660 --> 00:09:14,240 So some of the things that we talk about, some of the things we're going to say here 108 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:20,520 are not necessarily scientifically proven because nobody's done any of the studies. 109 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:21,820 And I think that that says a lot. 110 00:09:21,820 --> 00:09:29,640 That says a lot about especially American society, but it says a lot about society and 111 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:39,200 other places as well because kindness for a long, long time, even in the face of people 112 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:44,660 like Abraham Lincoln having quotes like that and things like that, it was not really considered 113 00:09:44,660 --> 00:09:51,760 a virtue that especially men were to hold high. 114 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:58,280 Kindness is something that for generations was looked down upon and considered a form 115 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:01,120 of weakness by many people. 116 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:07,280 And like I said, especially among men, being kind and considerate and understanding are 117 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:12,640 not things that are necessarily bred into us when you're talking about generationally 118 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:19,480 speaking is just not something that has mattered much in our history up until recently. 119 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:25,840 And obviously when I say recently, I mean, you know, 20, 30 years, but that you're basically 120 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:30,220 talking about a couple of generations that have started to really emphasize it. 121 00:10:30,220 --> 00:10:36,000 Outside of that, we really were bucking the trend by trying to talk about it or study 122 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:41,640 it or learn about it or God forbid, actually show it. 123 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:46,640 One study that I found really interesting was a study that was done I think in 2008. 124 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:52,040 They did a, this was, I think it was done in Canada where they did a kind of a man on 125 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,360 the street poll. 126 00:10:54,360 --> 00:11:00,680 What they did was they went out in the morning and they had envelopes that had $5 bills and 127 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,120 $20 bills on them. 128 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:05,920 You couldn't see what was in the envelope, but they would stand on the street and as 129 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:09,100 people walked by, they would give them an envelope with some money in it. 130 00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:12,280 Now they didn't, you know, obviously the people that were getting the envelopes, they didn't 131 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,280 know what was inside. 132 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:17,600 They didn't know how much money it was, but half of the people that they gave the envelopes 133 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:21,000 to, they told them, Hey, here's some money. 134 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,200 Go spend it on yourself. 135 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,880 And obviously people, they did. 136 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:32,760 And then the other half, they gave them the envelopes and they told them to either give 137 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:36,200 the money to charity or go buy something for somebody. 138 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:42,920 So they basically told them that you have until whatever time of day, I don't know what 139 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:46,160 time of day they gave them, but they said, you have this much time of the day to spend 140 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,760 the money and then come back and tell us what you did. 141 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:54,080 So the first group, the ones that were told to spend the money on themselves, you know, 142 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:58,280 depending on how much money they had, they bought themselves, you know, like if they 143 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:01,960 had the $5, they would go buy themselves a burger or whatever, you know, they'd buy themselves 144 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,480 food or a snack or whatever. 145 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,200 If they had the $20, they'd go buy something a little bit more lavish, you know, they'd 146 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:11,160 buy themselves sushi or they'd go get some cheap earrings or you know, whatever. 147 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,180 They would just buy little trinkets for themselves and stuff like that. 148 00:12:14,180 --> 00:12:19,480 But the people in the second group, because they were instructed to give the money away, 149 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:23,840 they were buying toys for their nephews or nieces or whatever. 150 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:28,780 And then they would give the money to some homeless people or they were finding other 151 00:12:28,780 --> 00:12:30,920 ways to give the money. 152 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:38,400 And they, one person that I read about bought like a box of donuts or something like that 153 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,360 for their office, things like that. 154 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,040 They were just, you know, doing what they were instructed to do and using the money 155 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,960 to give to other people. 156 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:50,560 So then the researchers questioned them and they said, you know, you just, all of them 157 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,100 were given basically a gift. 158 00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:54,960 One of them had to redirect the gift. 159 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:59,960 But they said, this was at the end of the day, you know, four to seven o'clock, I'm 160 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:05,800 not sure when, but they were asked to rate their mood. 161 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:09,960 And here's the really, the really interesting part of this is it didn't matter if they had 162 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,120 the five or the $20. 163 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:16,020 It didn't matter who they bought the gift for. 164 00:13:16,020 --> 00:13:25,880 What mattered was the people that were instructed to give the money away were across the board 165 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:27,600 rated happier. 166 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,040 They felt better. 167 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:35,260 They were in general, their whole lives at that point in time were higher marked than 168 00:13:35,260 --> 00:13:37,240 the people that bought stuff for themselves. 169 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:43,600 I thought that was really interesting because it does give a really solid understanding 170 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:50,160 of just how being generous and kind and compassionate can really affect you. 171 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:55,120 You know, when you, when you help someone, when you give to someone, especially if you 172 00:13:55,120 --> 00:14:01,160 do it in a way that is earnest and meaningful, it just changes everything. 173 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,360 It changes their life. 174 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:03,560 It changes their day. 175 00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:09,360 It changes the trajectory that they're on and you get something for it too, because 176 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:14,360 it makes you feel better about what you've just done. 177 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:18,400 This isn't just a speculation kind of thing. 178 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:23,800 There's actually neuroscience that points out that when you do something that is considered 179 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:27,680 kind, it shows up in your brain's reward system. 180 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:32,760 You it actually glows when they do brain scans. 181 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:37,560 You can see when somebody is doing something kind because it literally is affecting your 182 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,320 reward system in your brain. 183 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:40,320 You feel good. 184 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,760 You get a hit of dopamine. 185 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:49,500 So it's one of those things where when people say that you need to not get anything for 186 00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:55,400 it to be a true kindness, that's where I take issue with that is everybody has that little 187 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,600 that little twinge of selfishness in them. 188 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:01,840 And sometimes it can be a really good thing because if you are selfish enough that you 189 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:10,080 want to give because it feels so great, it really is a powerful feeling. 190 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:15,280 And let's not forget that because there's that twinge of selfishness in people, it's 191 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,520 really easy to inspire kindness in others. 192 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,880 And that's why you hear things like kindness is contagious. 193 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,080 That is one of the truest statements you'll ever hear. 194 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,720 And it really is an absolutely beautiful thing. 195 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:32,920 I feel as if I need to point out that the name of the podcast is A Pebble in a Pond. 196 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:39,920 And the way that kindness ripples is exactly what this the whole concept is about here. 197 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:45,560 That's what it's all about is creating that ripple of kindness that will go from person 198 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:53,400 to person and continue to transfer until it hits a point where it's a wave, it's a tidal 199 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,120 wave of kindness. 200 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,480 That's really the whole point. 201 00:15:56,480 --> 00:16:07,280 You get enough people to have to commit random acts of kindness to try to impress positivity 202 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,480 on the world around them. 203 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:14,280 And it will become an undeniable force. 204 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:20,560 Because when somebody sees a kindness being visited on another, they want to do that as 205 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:21,560 well. 206 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,560 Like I said, everybody's got that little twinge of selfishness. 207 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:29,120 And so if you're not moved to do it because of the effect that you're having on somebody 208 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:37,080 else, you're moved to do it because you see how a person that is being kind is, you know, 209 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,160 they're elated. 210 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,920 It creates this almost jealousy. 211 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,440 Like I want to give too. 212 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,520 I want to do that thing too. 213 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,720 And that is really, I mean, it's kind of a cynical way of looking at it. 214 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,960 And I could see where somebody would think that. 215 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:55,560 It really is a beautiful thing in my opinion, because I don't care what it takes to motivate 216 00:16:55,560 --> 00:17:00,680 somebody if the net result is a positive one that is going to have a positive effect on 217 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,440 it in far reaching ways. 218 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:03,680 I'm all for it. 219 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:09,440 I don't care if it's a selfish bastard who's as hard as growing three sizes or if it's 220 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:10,700 Mother Teresa herself. 221 00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:12,820 It doesn't matter to me. 222 00:17:12,820 --> 00:17:17,720 So as I mentioned earlier, I really wanted to spend some time in this episode talking 223 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:23,160 about the difference between nice and kind. 224 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:29,000 Like I said earlier, I know that some people don't see a difference between those two things. 225 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,760 And I'm here to tell you that there is a really big difference. 226 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:37,840 Whenever I think about the word nice, I think about, and this is not an exaggeration. 227 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,880 This is literally every time I hear the word nice. 228 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:46,240 I think about a part of my favorite musical in my life. 229 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,520 And my favorite musical is Into the Woods. 230 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:55,040 And there's a part in the song The Last Midnight near the end of the play where the witch says, 231 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,320 you're so nice. 232 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:57,560 You're not good. 233 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:58,900 You're not bad. 234 00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:00,900 You're just nice. 235 00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:02,200 I'm not good. 236 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:03,660 I'm not nice. 237 00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:05,320 I'm just right. 238 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,960 I'm the witch and you're the world. 239 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:13,860 Now obviously I'm not singing it so it doesn't have the same oomph that it normally would, 240 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:18,920 but it does illustrate pretty clearly what I think about nice. 241 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:23,340 Nice is defined as pleasant or agreeable. 242 00:18:23,340 --> 00:18:28,440 And I think that most people that know me or as people are getting to know me, they 243 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,000 realize that I'm not really that pleasant. 244 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,000 I can be. 245 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,680 I can be very pleasant and I'm certainly not agreeable. 246 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:42,800 So my problem with when you're talking about comparing the ideas of nice and kind is nice 247 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:46,280 to me rings of superficial. 248 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:55,720 It rings of somebody that is putting on a show and kind is something that comes from 249 00:18:55,720 --> 00:19:00,880 the heart and is true and genuinely helps someone. 250 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:04,480 Whereas nice is, oh, I love your hair today. 251 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:11,640 Now a lot of times you can say that and mean it, but it's also widely considered to be 252 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,840 a kind of empty compliment. 253 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:23,160 Saying to someone, I like the way those pants look on you is a nice compliment and it is 254 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,760 obviously going to have an effect on them. 255 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:31,400 It is nice, but that's not exactly the kind of thing that is going to move the needle 256 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,520 when it comes to kindness. 257 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:37,520 Nice is a way of projecting yourself. 258 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,840 It's a way of showing the world something. 259 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,360 There are a lot of people in here that are nice. 260 00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:45,220 Hell, Ted Bundy was known as being nice. 261 00:19:45,220 --> 00:19:52,820 People are nice all over, but being kind and being genuine and being true, that's much 262 00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:57,480 less easy to pull off if you don't mean it. 263 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:02,960 And for my money, I would always rather be kind than nice. 264 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,160 Now let me make this clear when I say that. 265 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,840 It's better to be both. 266 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:13,320 It's better to be very nice and pleasant and then carry out a kindness. 267 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,040 That's the best way you can be. 268 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:23,240 But if you can only choose one, it's better to be earnest and show true kindness and be 269 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:29,880 charitable than it is to just be fake and say nice things. 270 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,000 Now this is a part that's going to be kind of weird, kind of interrupt the flow of this 271 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,440 whole thing. 272 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:39,640 As I was recording this episode, and this is a little bit into how the sausage is made, 273 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,720 I edit as I record. 274 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:49,420 So I try to make these episodes as free flowing and conversational as I can so that when people 275 00:20:49,420 --> 00:20:53,360 listen to them, they understand that a lot of it is just coming from the heart. 276 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,800 I'm not really writing a lot of things down. 277 00:20:55,800 --> 00:21:00,560 I mean, I'm taking notes and things like that just to have bullet points to make sure I 278 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,800 hit the important stuff. 279 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:03,800 But for the most part, I'm just talking. 280 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,400 And I think most people can tell that when they hear these. 281 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:11,520 But the reason I mention this and the reason why I bring it up is because I was mid recording 282 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:18,320 and had an interesting conversation that I think pertains pretty well to what we're talking 283 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:19,600 about. 284 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:25,040 And honestly, it's a point of which I struggle with greatly. 285 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:28,800 And so I wanted to bring it up because I know that if I'm struggling with it, then it's 286 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,800 something that I should address. 287 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:36,240 My friend was talking to me about the aspects of being a good person, which if you listened 288 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:39,960 to the previous episode, then you know what this is about. 289 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,840 If not, well, this is a good reason to go back and listen to it. 290 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:47,120 But one of the things that he mentioned that I wouldn't say that nobody else had mentioned 291 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:52,240 it because it had been brought up, but it did kind of stand out in the way he said it 292 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,980 was how we go about helping others. 293 00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:59,280 And I think that that works for this conversation. 294 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,480 I think that this is an important part of being nice. 295 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:07,160 And let me tell you, when I say I have an issue with this or I have a problem with it, 296 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:11,280 it's something I'm struggling with at this very moment while I'm recording this. 297 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:17,200 And that is being nice to somebody and being kind to somebody, obviously two different 298 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:18,200 things. 299 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:22,120 If you're trying to be kind to someone, then you're trying to help them. 300 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:28,120 You're trying to be compassionate and you're trying to help them move forward and create 301 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:30,400 happiness in their own life. 302 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:37,720 But one thing that is often lost in that, especially for people like me, is it can be 303 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:44,200 really easy to forget that you being kind for somebody doesn't always need to take the 304 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:47,440 form of the way that you want to be kind for them. 305 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:52,720 Sometimes it needs to take the form of the way that they will receive the kindness. 306 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:59,600 That's a very important differentiation and something that I am struggling mightily with. 307 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:09,720 I will often look at a situation and know what needs to happen or understand the outcomes 308 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:16,880 that are possible and know that if I can just make this person or skew this person or guide 309 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:25,360 this person into a certain mindset or situation that I can get them where they want to go. 310 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:33,640 I understand the motivation and the end goal, so it's really easy to try to get people in 311 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:34,640 there. 312 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:39,600 But the problem is that sometimes people don't want to hear it the way that I have to say 313 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,100 it. 314 00:23:41,100 --> 00:23:46,120 And it's really, really difficult for me, and I know it's difficult for other people, 315 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:51,880 to kind of step out of where you are and step into where they are. 316 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:58,480 And that's not to say that I don't respect or understand their point of view. 317 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:05,240 It just a lot of times seems to be inefficient in my mind. 318 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:10,040 And so a lot of times, like I said, I'm not really looking down on them. 319 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,680 I'm just looking at it and saying, well, this is the best possible way. 320 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,280 But that's not always what people need. 321 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:21,480 People don't always need the best possible kindness or the best possible guidance. 322 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:27,000 What they need is guidance and kindnesses that they can understand and they can move 323 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,000 on. 324 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,220 So just keep that in mind. 325 00:24:30,220 --> 00:24:37,280 It's not always you shoving your niceties and your kindnesses down somebody's throat 326 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,800 because they may not be ready for that. 327 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:43,380 Sometimes you have to really think about it and say, okay, well, if you're not responding 328 00:24:43,380 --> 00:24:50,000 to the things that I'm saying when I have my best intentions, how can I get you to understand 329 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,000 it? 330 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,440 What language do you need to speak? 331 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:58,920 What different ways can I impress upon you in a way that you're going to understand it? 332 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:05,560 I need to know it from your point of view so that I can make a change or help you make 333 00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:11,280 a change. 334 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:16,520 I think one of the other really important aspects of kindness that is often overlooked 335 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:22,440 is the idea of being kind to yourself. 336 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:29,840 And I think that a lot of people tend to overlook it because when you use the word kindness, 337 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:33,760 very rarely does anybody use it in that way. 338 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,120 Nobody ever says that. 339 00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:39,760 It's always, you know, be kind to others, blah, blah, blah, blah. 340 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:44,520 But almost as important, if not even more important, is being kind to yourself. 341 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,840 And what do I really mean by that? 342 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:56,640 What I mean is speak kindly to yourself, offer yourself grace, do not be too judgmental of 343 00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:04,880 yourself, do not hold yourself to standards that are impossible to meet. 344 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,080 Say kind things to yourself when you look in the mirror. 345 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:15,360 You know, whatever you look like, whatever you are, sometimes the most important voice 346 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:19,280 you can hear is your own saying, you know, I'm okay. 347 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:20,280 I look okay. 348 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,600 I feel okay. 349 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,480 This was the right decision. 350 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:28,420 Pat yourself on the back from time to time when you make the right call, when you take 351 00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:31,500 the right action, when you show the kindness. 352 00:26:31,500 --> 00:26:37,200 Feel good about it and make sure that you positively reinforce that in yourself. 353 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:42,600 So if you're walking down the street and you do something as simple as smile and good day 354 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:46,240 to someone, feel good about it. 355 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:50,440 Make sure that you pay yourself the same kindness that you're paying others. 356 00:26:50,440 --> 00:27:00,960 Because it is really important that you maintain a level of positivity inside your own head. 357 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:06,680 Because trust me, as many of you may know through the TikToks and things like that, 358 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:09,360 you really don't want to slip on this. 359 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:15,620 You don't want to let depression and things like that start to take over because no matter 360 00:27:15,620 --> 00:27:24,760 how light you are, no matter how driven towards positivity you are, no matter how much you 361 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:33,600 really want to be good and bring good things into this world, it is very easy to turn your 362 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:45,760 kindness into a facade and become something that's neither kind nor nice nor good. 363 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:52,000 You can very easily slip into a very cynical dark place where you tell yourself that you're 364 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,160 being good and you tell yourself that you're being kind. 365 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,640 That's where you get into borderline narcissism and things like that. 366 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:05,360 So it's really important to stay grounded and understand that the things that you're 367 00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:09,880 doing matter and treat yourself as such. 368 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:15,800 When you are able to turn the corner and you start being nice to folks on the street, in 369 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:23,120 your house, at work, you start treating people with the kindnesses that they deserve without 370 00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:27,740 worry for reward or anything like that. 371 00:28:27,740 --> 00:28:32,640 Make sure that you're taking the time for yourself and saying, I'm proud of what I did, 372 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,360 I'm proud of these things. 373 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:37,240 Because if you don't give yourself, there's a good chance that a lot of people aren't 374 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:40,040 necessarily going to give you that instant feedback. 375 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:42,200 They're not going to understand that you need that. 376 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:43,200 So give it to yourself. 377 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:45,040 Pat yourself on the back. 378 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:49,640 You're doing something that not a lot of people do. 379 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:54,280 You're consciously making an effort to make people's day better, to make people's lives 380 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:58,960 better, to change the course of things. 381 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:00,960 That you deserve credit for that. 382 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:04,920 If you're not going to pat yourself on the back, just rewind this and listen to this 383 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:05,920 over and over again. 384 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:11,240 Because I think that those of us that are taking these steps and trying as hard as we 385 00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:20,580 can to have a positive impact on the world, a world that is pretty dark right now, fighting 386 00:29:20,580 --> 00:29:27,320 that darkness with the light that you can bring with just some simple measures, just 387 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:39,480 some simple acts of kindness is commendable and worth your time and makes you a very worthy 388 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:42,180 person in my opinion. 389 00:29:42,180 --> 00:29:48,280 So what are some ideas for how to practice kindness? 390 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:55,160 A lot of people that have listened to these first two, the first one obviously, the first 391 00:29:55,160 --> 00:30:01,480 episode was just kind of an introduction into what I was thinking. 392 00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:07,200 And then the second one sets up how to practice honesty. 393 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:11,080 Just a little tip that I came across and I've been trying to practice. 394 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:13,280 Well, I'm going to do the same thing with this. 395 00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:20,000 I think that there's a few different ways that you can be more kind and make it a conscious 396 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:22,400 effort to be more kind. 397 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:29,080 The first and really the easiest is when you are in a conversation or you're out and about 398 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:36,880 and you're kind of going through your day to day, stop, I don't know how to say this 399 00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:42,980 though, maybe wrinkling some feathers, but stop thinking about yourself so much. 400 00:30:42,980 --> 00:30:47,480 Focus on others, focus on what other people are doing, focus on what's going on in the 401 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:48,480 world around you. 402 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:54,640 Use the skills that you have for awareness and understanding and empathy, which we'll 403 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:58,840 be talking about in the next episode and try to understand that you're not the star of 404 00:30:58,840 --> 00:30:59,840 the show. 405 00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:04,880 We're actually going to do an episode on that whole concept, which I find fascinating. 406 00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:09,560 So we'll get to that in a later episode, but just remember that you're not alone in this 407 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:15,760 world and there are people around you that desperately need attention and affection and 408 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:21,760 love and those small kindnesses that you can show, even if it's just a simple matter of 409 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:30,600 a smile or a holding of the door or helping them grab their groceries or something, I 410 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:34,720 don't know, just all of those little tropes that you see in commercials and things like 411 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:37,480 that, those are all real things that people can do. 412 00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:40,160 They don't just put them in there to make you feel good about the commercial, they put 413 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:44,200 them in there because those are things that you can do to actually show some kindness. 414 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,820 But to do that, you have to be focusing on others. 415 00:31:46,820 --> 00:31:50,200 If you're just kind of living in your own little bubble, you're not going to see all 416 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:57,200 of the opportunities that come across you on a daily basis to show kindness and to bring 417 00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:59,400 that goodness into the world. 418 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:04,880 And then beyond that, there's a lot of ideas and a lot of things that you can do. 419 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:10,440 I'm just going to name some quick ones that people can practice. 420 00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:16,520 One that I know a lot of people, it became kind of trendy a while ago, is kind of the 421 00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:18,240 pay it forward thing. 422 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:26,640 If you have the means, and I know a lot of people don't, but if you have the means and 423 00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:32,400 say you go to McDonald's or whatever and there's somebody next to you, just buy their meal. 424 00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:33,840 Say hey, what are you getting today? 425 00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:35,360 Let me get that for you. 426 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:41,040 I promise you that even if they don't continue to pay it forward, even if they just take 427 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:45,700 the food and are just like thank you, that is a big deal for a lot of people, especially 428 00:32:45,700 --> 00:32:48,280 in today's world. 429 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:53,360 If you're at the grocery store and you see somebody just go up with one item, say hey, 430 00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:55,980 what are you, let me get that for you. 431 00:32:55,980 --> 00:32:58,460 Just go ahead and scan it for them and let them take it. 432 00:32:58,460 --> 00:33:03,160 If you have the means to do that, obviously don't break yourself. 433 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:08,840 Don't spend your last dollar helping somebody else out if you're not going to eat by doing 434 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:10,200 that. 435 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:15,400 There is a lot of people out there that will do that and I'm not in any way, shape or form 436 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:17,220 trying to take away from people to do that. 437 00:33:17,220 --> 00:33:20,560 Do it if you can do it, if you have the means to do it. 438 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:26,480 I've done it myself once or twice where I didn't have anything else after the money 439 00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:31,160 that I gave away, but I still felt the need to give it away. 440 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:35,660 Sometimes it's paid back right away and sometimes it's paid back over time, but it usually ends 441 00:33:35,660 --> 00:33:36,660 up getting paid back. 442 00:33:36,660 --> 00:33:43,560 You usually get some sort of kindness in return, which, mind I add, there will be a discussion 443 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:49,600 in another episode about that kind of karmic system and some of the misconceptions and 444 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,160 ideas about it. 445 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,640 We'll get back to kindness though. 446 00:33:53,640 --> 00:34:00,240 One that I know I've done a lot, especially recently, and that I really enjoy doing is 447 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:09,600 I'll think about a friend or a family member and I just, I'm kind of a weepy little baby, 448 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:15,880 so if I'm feeling really emotional, I'll start to cry or whatever the situation may call 449 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:24,560 for and I'll sit in my room and write a text just saying, hey, I love you, I appreciate 450 00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:25,880 you. 451 00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:30,160 We may not talk much, we may not see each other much, but I need you to know how important 452 00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:32,720 you are to me. 453 00:34:32,720 --> 00:34:38,520 That's a kind of kindness that you can give to somebody that you're close to that is long 454 00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:39,520 lasting. 455 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:44,120 I say that not just because of the emotional effect, but because when you write a letter 456 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:50,000 or you write a text or they have that kind of tangible thing they can look back on, and 457 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:52,760 I promise you people do. 458 00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:57,000 Every text that you write like that, people will come back and they'll look at it again 459 00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:59,720 and they'll say, wow, that feels good. 460 00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:00,720 That's a good feeling. 461 00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:05,440 And, you know, at the end of the day, that's what we're trying to do. 462 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:10,560 And here's another one that, you know, since we're going full disclosure here, this is 463 00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:15,040 one that I have a lot of trouble with myself. 464 00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:27,960 I am a very good listener most of the time, but when I am emotionally involved, I tend 465 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:31,280 to not be able to hold back as much. 466 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:37,160 And so I am not as good a listener when I'm worked up emotionally. 467 00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:39,440 I let my emotions get the best of me. 468 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:46,120 But a very basic kindness that you can show someone, especially someone that you know 469 00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:50,600 is having trouble, is struggling, is just to listen. 470 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:56,880 Just be there and say what's wrong, tell me what's wrong, and let them talk. 471 00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:59,000 Don't say anything. 472 00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:00,540 Don't interrupt them. 473 00:36:00,540 --> 00:36:03,160 Don't listen to them so that you can talk. 474 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:06,800 Just talk, or just listen so that they can talk and they can get it out. 475 00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:12,640 And then once they're done, your question is, what can I do to help you? 476 00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:14,400 How can I help you? 477 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:16,600 Is there anything I can do? 478 00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:24,280 Any of those kind of questions that will lead them to elaborate more on different things 479 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:26,960 that they think you could do to help. 480 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:32,120 And if they don't have any ideas, then that's when you start to forward your ideas. 481 00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:35,760 You've let them talk, you've let them say their piece, they've gotten it off their 482 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:42,760 chest, and then you've asked them what they have, what can I do, and then you can say, 483 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:46,600 okay, well, are you open to some ideas? 484 00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:48,600 Make sure you offer that first. 485 00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:53,720 Make sure you make sure that they're ready to hear any advice or opinion you may have 486 00:36:53,720 --> 00:36:56,960 because a lot of times people just need to get it out. 487 00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:59,000 They don't really want your advice or opinions. 488 00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:04,560 And that is, I tell you what, that is the hardest thing in the world. 489 00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:10,440 It is so difficult to, you know, when you're somebody like me that kind of, like I said 490 00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:16,680 before, kind of plays all the angles and sees a lot of things all at once, it is super, 491 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:20,840 super difficult to not just be like, well, you can just do this. 492 00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:21,880 And I'm still learning. 493 00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:24,120 I'm getting better at it. 494 00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:27,400 But it is a constant struggle for me. 495 00:37:27,400 --> 00:37:34,160 Another thing you can do to just show some basic kindnesses to people is smile. 496 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:38,560 And there's a lot of people out there that say, well, I shouldn't have to smile and all 497 00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:39,560 this stuff. 498 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:44,320 There was a whole thing about it a while ago about, you know, people shouldn't smile all 499 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,160 the time and it's just whatever. 500 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:48,640 Smile. 501 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:51,300 Like when you're walking down the street, smile at people. 502 00:37:51,300 --> 00:37:52,960 When you're in a store, smile at people. 503 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:56,560 When you're at work, smile at people. 504 00:37:56,560 --> 00:38:01,160 And it, I want to say it like, it doesn't mean as much when you're just kind of have 505 00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:06,000 like that superficial fake smile on, because people can tell everybody has that smile. 506 00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:10,840 Everybody's got that little like closed mouth, little lip curl that they do. 507 00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:17,400 And anybody seeing it knows that, you know, some people call it the eat shit smile. 508 00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:20,800 And you just know that there's not a whole lot of emotion behind it. 509 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:24,120 So don't, don't, don't flash that around if you can help it. 510 00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:29,480 Like really just, just try to let your inner positivity come out. 511 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:32,840 Try to display how you're feeling. 512 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:37,000 If you're feeling good, display that and let people know that you're feeling good and, 513 00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:42,760 and wear that with a smile and wear it by paying compliments. 514 00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:49,280 You know, this goes back to the exercise we talked about in episode two. 515 00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:53,800 This is, this is one of those things that you can do where you can really work on being 516 00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:58,240 an honest person and you can work on being a kind person at the same time. 517 00:38:58,240 --> 00:39:03,360 Find traits in people that you appreciate and tell them. 518 00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:09,600 You really, until it's done to you, especially on a repeated basis, you really just don't 519 00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:14,560 understand how empowering and how great it feels to have somebody that you love or even 520 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:19,480 random strangers compliment you and tell you things. 521 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:23,640 Now, you know, obviously it can be kind of icky if some dude is complimenting you on 522 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:28,680 your looks, but for the most part, like if somebody's just like, you know, you have beautiful 523 00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:34,160 eyes or, you know, I really liked the way that you did this thing at work or, you know, 524 00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:37,040 you were so smart when you came up with this idea. 525 00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:45,080 And as long as you're not some creepy guy that's like trying to, you know, trying to maneuver, 526 00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:51,800 I think that it's really, really easy for people to take those compliments and, and 527 00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:56,680 use them to motivate themselves and to feel good about themselves for, you know, a decent 528 00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:58,440 amount of time. 529 00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:02,600 And who knows, maybe you're, maybe you're bolstering somebody in a place where they 530 00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:04,120 felt weak. 531 00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:10,280 Maybe you have somebody who, you know, has a weight problem or they have a lack of confidence 532 00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:14,920 in their ability to speak or, you know, whatever it may be. 533 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:18,600 And if you, if you can figure out that, you know, if you see somebody at work that has 534 00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:22,000 to stand up and give a speech and you can tell they're just not very confident, go up 535 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:24,680 afterwards and say, you know, you did a really good job. 536 00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:29,040 You did, you know, I know I could tell you were a little, you were a little, you know, 537 00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:32,000 a little worried about it, a little nervous about it, but I just wanted to let you know 538 00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:37,360 you did a really good job and it may seem horrible to say this, but you know, I would 539 00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:38,920 like to hear you speak again. 540 00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:39,920 I think that would be great. 541 00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:41,840 I think you did such a good job. 542 00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:45,880 You know, a compliment like that, that's, that's not just empowering for the person 543 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:48,640 that you pay that compliment to. 544 00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:53,880 It's, it's damn near life changing when, if you do it enough, this is, you take somebody 545 00:40:53,880 --> 00:41:01,320 who, you know, they think of it as a flaw or a phobia even, and you can empower them 546 00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:06,360 and make them understand that it's not, you know, and I'm not saying go up and lie to 547 00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:11,800 somebody who's a horrible speaker, but you can bolster somebody and you'll find that 548 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:16,880 as they get more confidence, they'll, they'll start to blossom. 549 00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:18,200 They'll become better and better. 550 00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:22,800 And that pays off for everybody because none of us want to be in meetings with people that 551 00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:24,960 are crappy speakers. 552 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:34,120 And I think, I think the last one is for me, it's probably the biggest one and it is so 553 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:39,440 sad that I have to actually say this, but I've seen it so many times that people don't 554 00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:41,300 say thank you. 555 00:41:41,300 --> 00:41:47,240 Say thank you when you're out dealing with other people in public places, say thank you 556 00:41:47,240 --> 00:41:51,000 and mean it like really understand the expression. 557 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:52,000 Thank you. 558 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,360 You know, I thank you. 559 00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:55,360 Thank you very much. 560 00:41:55,360 --> 00:42:00,080 However you want to, however you say it, say it, make sure that the people that you're 561 00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:06,440 interacting with understand your appreciation and mean it. 562 00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:11,360 Understand that the part of the practice of, of, you know, trying to become a kinder person 563 00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:17,320 is meaning it and really trying to change who you are. 564 00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:20,440 And that starts with an appreciation. 565 00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:26,160 There's a, there's a line that they use in therapy at times where they'll, they'll say 566 00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:31,080 stop expectation and start appreciation. 567 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:32,640 And that really does fit here. 568 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:35,800 And I, you know, we're probably going to wrap up here in a few minutes. 569 00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:37,120 So I'm going to end with that. 570 00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:40,360 And I want you to really think about that. 571 00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:47,600 If you go through your life with expectations of how people act and what people do and blah, 572 00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:51,720 blah, blah, blah, blah, and you set those expectations, you are going to perpetually 573 00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:54,360 be disappointed. 574 00:42:54,360 --> 00:43:01,000 As somebody who has done that for many, many years, I can promise you that it just leads 575 00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:02,560 to disappointment. 576 00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:08,120 Instead, try to think of things from an appreciation standpoint. 577 00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:09,660 Just be glad that you're there. 578 00:43:09,660 --> 00:43:12,960 Be glad that you're in that moment with those people. 579 00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:24,160 You know, if, if you're, if you show gratitude for people, it, it has a profound effect on 580 00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:25,160 them. 581 00:43:25,160 --> 00:43:31,120 They feel as if their efforts and their time and their energy has been wasted. 582 00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,440 And that, that really does help. 583 00:43:33,440 --> 00:43:35,320 That really does make the world a better place. 584 00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:40,920 If everyone just said thank you and you know, a follow up of your welcome or whatever. 585 00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:45,880 And you know, I'll throw another one in there is, is I'm sorry. 586 00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:47,480 And I say I'm sorry way too much. 587 00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:49,680 I'm, I'm constantly apologizing. 588 00:43:49,680 --> 00:43:55,800 I feel like I have to just for existing most of the time that could, that could come from 589 00:43:55,800 --> 00:44:01,360 years and years of depression, but it's also just because I know that I'm, I can be intolerable 590 00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:02,360 to a lot of people. 591 00:44:02,360 --> 00:44:04,760 And so I'm just constantly apologizing. 592 00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:10,080 And the worst part about apologizing for me is that I always mean it. 593 00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:15,840 And I do it so much that it sounds like I don't, which is a bit of a conundrum. 594 00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:20,600 I'm still working on it and trying to get people to understand just, you know, I sincerely 595 00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:28,280 apologize if I'm too loud or if I'm too, you know, too verbose or I say the wrong thing 596 00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:30,280 or I act the wrong way. 597 00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:33,080 I'm constantly apologizing. 598 00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:35,360 And I mean it, like I said. 599 00:44:35,360 --> 00:44:41,400 So it's saying I'm sorry, saying thank you, saying you're welcome. 600 00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:48,080 These simple little interactions can really, really help spread kindness throughout this 601 00:44:48,080 --> 00:44:55,960 world in a way that is, is literally just zero, zero energy spent. 602 00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:57,440 You don't have to think about it. 603 00:44:57,440 --> 00:45:03,040 You don't have to, you know, there's no special code that you need to use to, to unlock it. 604 00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:12,800 It's just a simple matter of being appreciative, aware, and accountable for what you do. 605 00:45:12,800 --> 00:45:15,360 And that's all, that's all it is. 606 00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:17,640 So I think we're going to wrap up here. 607 00:45:17,640 --> 00:45:22,940 This is running on about 45 minutes now, which was a lot more than I thought we would go 608 00:45:22,940 --> 00:45:24,520 with kindness. 609 00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:28,600 But I think I'm going to leave you with another quote. 610 00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:32,320 And the quote is from Ralph Waldo Emerson. 611 00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:34,980 And this one hits, it hits pretty hard. 612 00:45:34,980 --> 00:45:38,840 So just be prepared. 613 00:45:38,840 --> 00:45:45,640 The quote is, you cannot do a kindness too soon for you never know how soon it will be 614 00:45:45,640 --> 00:45:46,640 too late. 615 00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:49,900 Let me say that one more time. 616 00:45:49,900 --> 00:45:58,260 You cannot do a kindness too soon for you never know how soon it will be too late. 617 00:45:58,260 --> 00:46:00,460 We don't know what's happening. 618 00:46:00,460 --> 00:46:03,640 Life is not promised, folks. 619 00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:05,240 So just keep that in mind. 620 00:46:05,240 --> 00:46:12,620 And remember that you never know when you have your last chance to be kind to somebody. 621 00:46:12,620 --> 00:46:17,380 And if your kindness that you're trying to visit upon people could be the last time that 622 00:46:17,380 --> 00:46:19,560 they experience it. 623 00:46:19,560 --> 00:46:21,420 So just keep that in mind. 624 00:46:21,420 --> 00:46:27,720 Every little thing that you do, every moment that you have to make somebody's life better 625 00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:33,900 is a moment that you should seize because life is not promised. 626 00:46:33,900 --> 00:46:37,020 We're only immortal for a limited time. 627 00:46:37,020 --> 00:46:39,240 You guys, thank you for listening. 628 00:46:39,240 --> 00:46:44,600 Next episode is going to be on empathy and understanding. 629 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:46,740 It'll probably be a pretty, pretty heavy one. 630 00:46:46,740 --> 00:46:50,960 So we're going to start recording that in a few days and we'll get it out Sunday or 631 00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:52,720 Monday just like we have been. 632 00:46:52,720 --> 00:46:53,720 All right. 633 00:46:53,720 --> 00:46:54,720 Thank you all. 634 00:46:54,720 --> 00:46:58,720 And we'll see you in a week.