Welcome back to the parties over.
I'm your host, Kyle O'Donoghue.
My co-host as always, Jonathan, two kids in a trench coat, Stolke.
How are you, John?
Good, how are you?
Doing pretty good.
You got something?
No.
Okay.
So I was at the gym today just getting signed up and all that.
And like as soon as I walk up to the desk, the dude was like, wow, you are so tall.
And then the whole spiel.
Do you play basketball?
Yeah.
I assume you've received this spiel on occasion.
I'm like, I'm the taller woman of normal.
So no.
Like when I was younger, when I was a high schooler, yeah, it was like, oh my God, you're
a little bit above average in high school.
You must play basketball.
But now it's like, I think it's just kind of tall.
I get that spiel regularly.
What would happen if we spoke about other people's bodily appearances in that same capacity?
Like, wow, you must eat McDonald's all the time.
Yeah.
Dude, what are you like 320, 330?
Dude, were you a swimmer in high school?
I bet, dude.
I bet you were great at it.
I bet you could bounce people out of that circle.
Yeah.
I think you'd get like, I don't know, like harassment charges.
Yeah.
Like if you saw a guy with a big nose, you're like, dude, could you smell, you could probably
smell like a bloodhound.
You couldn't do that.
That's true.
Who, who made it look like it's annoying as heck?
Yeah.
I got it a lot when I was younger and I hated it.
Who convinced somebody that this was like, okay.
Right.
It kind of pisses me off.
They don't do it to short people.
They don't do it to fat people.
They only do it to tall, lanky people.
It's true.
I assume tall, fat people get football as well.
Oh yeah.
I would imagine if I was tall and massive, I would get a whole nother range of spiels.
But as a tall, thin man, I get the, wow, how tall are you?
How's the weather up there?
Fuck you.
Yeah.
I get that one a lot.
That's from like people our own age though.
How's the weather up there?
I'm going to punch you in the neck.
You fucking short idiot.
Like, like, what's it like being so tall?
I don't fucking know.
What's it like being a little person, you fucking elf?
Go back to Sam's workshop, you piece of shit.
Yeah.
I hate it.
Super annoying.
You'll have that.
But yeah, that was my, that was my rant for the podcast opener.
Very nice.
I have no rant.
You're rantless?
I think so.
I'm kind of empty today.
Just lacking?
I just haven't eaten much.
My brain's kind of dead.
Tell them about the seafood.
There was supposed to be a, a barbecue truck at my place of work this morning.
Instead of a barbecue truck, which everybody was excited about, they sent out like six
emails about it.
So, you know, they were hyped too.
Oh yeah.
Instead of that, there was just an old lady in a food truck that had a picture of a different
old lady on it.
She was selling fish.
She was not selling barbecue.
She opened the thing.
She was like, Hey, I just wanted to talk to y'all.
Cause it was me and my two coworkers and nobody else, which should have been a red flag there.
I'll have that.
She's like, Hey, I just wanted to, wanted to have you hear my voice.
Wanted to talk to y'all.
And then I went down and the only options were two things of fish.
It was supposed to be a taco truck.
It was not fish tacos either.
It was just fish.
And it was like $17 per small serving of fish.
I was like, were these, there weren't tacos.
I guess they probably were not large chunks of fish either.
Cause like you get some of the tacos, man, they'd be hefty, hefty boys.
If it was tacos, I would have chanced it, but it was literally just fish.
So I went inside and I bought some muddy buddies and a monster and I have been running off
that since about 1130.
Hell yeah.
So like in Spanish, ito is the suffix meaning small, right?
Sure.
So you got your, uh, your burritos that would lead me to believe that somewhere out there,
there's a massive slab of ham called like Elboro.
And once we find out, I don't know if that's, if that means don't, I don't speak Spanish,
but that means donkey.
What the fuck does burrito mean?
That's fair.
Burr grande.
Maybe, I don't know.
I don't know what like the suffix is for large.
I don't know if there is one.
Gordo.
That just means fat.
I don't know.
Elboro Gordo?
The fat donkey.
It sounds like a, it sounds like a club you shouldn't go to in Mexico.
Yeah.
It sounds like what they wouldn't rename a Wilmington comedy club to if it went under
again.
I guess nut street.
It's not paying off.
So they're, uh, what?
Friday, Friday, Sunday.
What?
Comedy club.
We already talked about this.
Did we?
Yeah.
Okay.
My dad.
Yeah.
I've been watching their standup videos.
Not good.
Not good at all.
So bad.
And you know, the craziest thing is I've been looking at looking at them on Instagram, the
guy who's up there being unfunny, he gets invited back regularly.
Yeah.
The, the overweight one.
Yeah.
He was so bad.
He's like the guy on all the pictures.
Oh, we need to start going to open mics.
I'm not doing it tomorrow.
Well, you know, but let's do it next week.
Fuck that.
Sure.
I don't think it can be that hard.
If that guy can do it, I can do it without, without a script, honestly.
Like I'm not the funniest motherfucker, but that guy was just genuinely unfunny.
Yeah.
Like, imagine you're watching a comedian and as you're watching the entire time, your
mouth just gets purse tighter and tighter and tighter.
That's what, that's the, uh, that's what was going on.
Yeah.
You get all the way to up.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Man, this sucks.
Yeah.
And like, like, you know, Dave Chappelle does that stuff where he's like not funny for a
second and then he brings it back to being funny and like, Oh, there's so much funnier
because the unfunny buildup, he doesn't do that.
Yeah.
It's just unfunny.
It's just not funny.
It's just like things that he thinks are going to hit, but they don't hit.
It's just rolling and rolling and rolling.
At least the one clip I saw.
It's not like I'm delving in deep to his content, but maybe I assume it didn't get better.
Maybe we got him on a rough day that he was like, man, this suck.
I should post something on YouTube.
I think he did post saying it was his first time doing standup.
So maybe it was just a really rough first go.
What if we go there expecting it to just be like easy and off the cuff.
And then that guy is there dropping just the sickest routine we've ever seen in our lives.
Oh fuck.
We're sitting there, we're laughing so hard, we're crying.
Up next, John Stolke.
We're like, oh.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
And we got to get up there like, what's the deal with airline peanuts?
You got nothing to you.
That guy's fat.
You think insult comedy would take you pretty far?
It does pretty well generally.
You got to be like, you can't just like pick a guy though.
You can't be like, ah, you're an obese man, huh?
Well, if I was crashing after a really fat guy did really well and I was going to insult
him, what am I going to do?
I'd be like, ah, I bet he can't do math well.
No.
I'm going to call him fat.
You know, that guy might be funnier than me, but I'll be damned if I can't see my toes.
That guy might be funnier than me, but you know what?
He doesn't have a super stroke or full of piss.
And then of course I'd proceed to super stroke or full of piss him.
Just him?
Like you get the entire audience.
No, I'm going to get real close.
I have no beef with the rest of the audience.
They didn't want me.
You're going to like put the mic up the stand and like inch towards him.
You know, man, you might have just hit the funniest routine of my life, but I've got
something you'll never have.
Super stroke or full of piss.
You said you said they're trying to drink his beer like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
dehydrated piss so he can no longer just differentiate what is piss and what is beer.
He has to throw the whole thing away.
What a loser.
I am no longer welcome back and I have a sexual harassment.
Everyone in the audience is like, what was that?
I get tackled by that guy that had like underwear that was coming out of his short shorts and
an apron.
He's the most pouncing in the history of bouncer's.
He walked up in a, what was he wearing?
Like a whole red socks cap and cargo shorts and like, like the apron you see teenage girls
wearing when they're a barista at like hometown coffee shop.
Was he trying to be intimidating?
Well, he walked up and he was like, Hey, we need to scan your cards again to us.
Yeah.
What'd you try to be?
Oh, no, no, no.
I think he felt bad because they fucked up scanning our cards the first time.
Cause like if he was trying to be intimidating, he sucked.
I don't, I don't think that was the goal.
Our waitstaff was great though.
Oh yeah.
They were fantastic.
Dead Crow comedy club.
Very nice.
Yeah.
Audience.
There was a little, uh, intense old and grumpy.
Yeah.
Appeared to be very well.
Why were they all dressed so well?
I don't know, dude.
Like I'm, I'm not going to dress like that.
Yeah, dude.
I was wearing like, what am I going to wear my fucking the suit I got married in?
No, I wasn't dressed like shadowly by any means.
I was wearing like a long sleeve shirt and a pair of jeans.
Like, like, I had the fucking the better half of a goddamn Canadian tuxedo on everybody
knows those fuck.
I don't know what that is.
Can you touch it up?
Yeah.
Uh, to Bing Crosby reference.
Uh, yes.
He's the guy who sings a cold outside, right?
Yeah.
So he was obviously like a huge deal in the fifties.
He went to Canada wearing jeans and got kicked out because jeans were like a casual thing
back then.
Like, you're at a hotel, buddy.
You got to come back in some nice clothes.
Uh, they did like some big publicity thing about it.
Everybody was up in arms and Levi's was like, you know what?
Fuck it, man.
We're going to make you an entire suit out of jeans.
Hell yeah.
And, uh, pictures, they made it for him and it's now referred to as the Canadian tuxedo.
Is it just a full denim suit?
Yeah.
Dapper is shit.
Oh, that is Dapper.
It's got the fucking, you got a pipe going on the pipe.
I wanted to say the bong, but I knew that was not correct.
It's not a bong.
No, my friend.
That bad ass that is pimpin.
Yeah.
So now if you were jeans and a jean jacket, it's referred to as a Canadian tuxedo.
I at least where I'm from.
I knew it as the outfit Chuck Norris wears in every episode of walk tax ranger.
Yeah.
It's bad ass too.
Obviously.
Only bad ass wear that.
Obviously.
And why I wear it to comedy clubs and most places I go.
When everybody know you are not there to play.
I wear that anytime.
It's a little bit chilly.
It's kind of my thing.
I bought it for $20 from a guy who told me not to walk up to his house because his dog
would bite me.
That seems like that.
That's the type of story you'd expect for someone who was wearing a Marlboro jean jacket.
Yeah.
I fucking love that jacket, dude.
It didn't smell like smoke when I got it though, which was a very surprising to me.
This is literally a thing that you had to smoke a bunch for and it doesn't smell like
smoke.
It's so annoying that they got rid of that because I could have so much cool stuff, man.
Yeah, dude.
I could have bought a blimp when I was in the house.
I was smoking three packs a day.
How cool would I be?
You remember the camel Joe stuff?
I do not.
He's like the camel mascot, the camel man.
Oh yeah.
They had so much cool stuff.
They had watches, t-shirts, all that.
I would walk around and you're familiar with the Canadian tuxedo?
You're here for the camel tuxedo.
Would have been made out of actual camel skin.
Oh, well, here we are.
What do we got here?
They also had a jean jacket for smoking a bunch of cigarettes.
My.
You going to buy one?
Well no, that's a bunch of money, but it is cool.
I mean you could find it cheaper.
I'm sure that I could, or I could just find a jean jacket.
That's fair.
I specifically wanted a marble one.
Is that a camel mask or is that just a bad animation?
Oh, that's camel Joe getting chemo.
That's camel Joe getting chemo.
That's the kind of thing the government would force camel cigarettes to make to like, you
know, like counteract what they did in the nineties.
That's stupid.
Why are they being so lame about it, dude?
About cigarettes?
Yeah.
Because they kill you?
Everything kills you.
Name a thing that doesn't kill you.
Clean purified drinking water.
Well, actually, yeah, it probably doesn't kill you.
Idiot.
But like most.
Coffee.
I'm going to venture to say coffee probably isn't great for you, especially not in the
capacity it's drank today.
They generally say that coffee makes you live longer.
Stop, Penn.
You ever met somebody that's in their nineties and they're like, you know what I fucking hate
is coffee.
Panera Lemonades make your heart explode.
That's good for you.
But I can't get a little bit of lung cancer.
You can get it.
There's going to fat shame you over it.
You're going to fat shame me for it?
I'm walking in there shriveled in Crippet.
I can't breathe.
Look at this fatty fat fat.
Look at this fucking loser.
Must have smoked a lot of cigs there, you fat boy.
I'm like, I weigh 93 pounds.
Shut up, fat ass.
Go smoke your cigarettes somewhere else.
Please kill me.
That is all you.
Oh yeah.
What size is that?
Extra large?
For all of you that are just listening and can't see what we see, it's a yellow jacket
with two camels smoking Camel cigarettes and it says camel above the camels.
And the camels are in like, I guess mob henchmen attire.
Yeah.
They look like they're fucking the blues brothers, but one's in white.
$28.
I might buy that.
I am giving that some serious thought.
That is cool, man.
There was a number of these for sale.
See, there's another one.
There's like five right there.
All under 20 bucks.
Well, three of them under 20 bucks.
That is, I'm going to get one of those.
Yeah, that might need to happen.
Well, there's no way, like, I don't fucking know.
There's no way it's the worst thing out there.
Smoking?
Yeah.
I think it's like pretty recognized as one of the worst thing.
I don't know about the viewers thing.
It's not meth.
Like, it's not that bad.
It just gives you lung cancer slowly over time.
That's all.
That's like said, dude, fucking.
I'll give me a second.
Drinking energy drinks isn't that bad.
It's not like drinking mercury.
Energy drinks.
That's a great example.
Those things will kill you.
We don't know that for sure, but probably, yeah.
We're all going to die when we're like 46.
They're like, how did this happen?
We're like, hmm.
I don't know why you have such a skewed idea of lifespans.
What?
46?
Yeah.
No.
I was trying to think of like an age is like dieable, but not crazy old.
Yeah, but in the recent past, you thought that like 45 was ancient.
Name a single 45 year old.
I'll wait.
Specifically 45.
Yeah.
Probably Eric Church.
Wrong.
He's 32.
Is he?
I don't know.
I made that number up.
I think 45 is pretty fucking old.
It's not.
You're 45.
You're halfway dead.
I was 46.
God damn it.
Really?
Wow.
He's hanging in there, man.
Shut up.
He looks good for a 45 year old, man.
No, he doesn't.
There are 45 year olds who look much better than him.
But you can't.
He looks like a guy that wants to be called chief at the age of 45.
Wow.
Bad.
Smoke a little smoke.
Hell of a view.
Talladega.
I hate it.
Like a wrecking ball.
Okay.
Fucking Miley Cyrus.
Okay.
I like that one.
Record year was a good song though.
Springsteen.
That was fun.
I also enjoyed Talladega.
When you say Springsteen was fun, do you mean the song or like the very popular recording
artist Bruce Springsteen?
Oh, well, no.
I of course mean the song.
Bruce Springsteen.
Not a fan.
No, I'm a huge Springsteen fan.
Well, like a moderate Springsteen fan.
Springsteen occasionally.
Yeah.
Like when he comes on my playlist, I don't skip him usually.
Unless I'm not in the mood.
Same.
Yeah.
I agree with that.
You know, my Spotify playlist says that it's random.
It's so clueless.
I got 3000 songs to choose from.
Tell me why on my 20 minute drive to work I'm getting the same five every day.
Are you perchance listening to your on repeat playlist?
I am not.
I am listening to my like songs on shuffle.
And it's some bullshit, man.
Well, I get fucked I guess.
You know what?
Like I like California dreaming.
I do.
Not four times a day.
I don't know dude.
That's a banger.
It is.
The first day when I heard it four times, I was like, wow, they played it four times.
This is so cool.
Coming up on day 16 now and I'm like, hmm, I'd rather not hear the song again.
I'm the like just right level of autistic that I could listen to a song that I enjoy
just repeatedly with no issues.
Like if somebody played on the road again for three days straight.
You could do something like listen to country roads perhaps for an entire drive from Iowa
to West Virginia.
Well, I don't know why she's talking about that.
I listened to that one like twice.
I did listen to on the road again every time I got out and then back into the car because
you're getting back on the road again.
Exactly.
Clever, clever.
I listened to country roads take me home.
Like I think entering and leaving West Virginia.
That's kind of lame.
I was song is super overplayed, though.
Great song.
I'll listen to it all day.
It is indeed overplayed.
But for like what was it fallout?
It was one of the fallouts that it came out with that they played it for like the next
four years constantly.
I don't really play video games.
It was the trailer.
I don't remember which one is a fallout like a nuclear wasteland.
Yep.
It's a good trailer.
I mean, sure.
Let's.
That was cool.
I'm not a big gamer.
It's never been my cup of tea.
I'm not a big gamer either.
I did play whatever fallout came before this.
I don't remember which one it was, which was great.
And then I played Red Dead.
I played Red Dead for the Red Dead 2 for like three seconds.
And then I was hit by a horse and carriage and I died.
I was standing in a field and a horse and carriage ran me over.
I thought to myself, well, that sucks.
I never played again.
OK.
Not sure how it happened.
It's a phenomenal game.
You should do another show.
I'm sure it is.
I'm going to get a system eventually to play the new GTA.
Yeah, I played GTA 5 as well.
Everybody did.
If you didn't play GTA 5, what were you doing?
Loser.
Being Amish.
Fucking Amis.
Yeah, I'll play the new GTA.
And I like Madden as well.
I'm a football fan.
I'm a fan, but like I.
That's something I'll do if I have like nothing else to do.
I'll sit down and play a few games of Madden.
I'm not particularly good at it and I don't like doing things that I'm not good at.
I would much rather just be the best at it straight out the gate and then never change.
Are you that way with anything?
So many things, dude.
Like what?
Being tall?
Yeah.
I mean, the next time you like can't reach something on a high shelf, think back to this
conversation and be like, shit, I bet Donny is the best at this.
We live in a five, six persons world.
I literally never have that problem.
Not once in my life.
Well, my wife does.
So yeah.
And she's like 4'11".
Well, yes.
And what are we, a foot taller than her?
A foot and a half?
I've been hiding her Christmas presents in the top shelf of our cupboard and she does
not please.
Not because she wants to look at them.
I think more because she's insulted.
That's fair.
I ordered a gift like two weeks ago and it is not here.
You played a dangerous game, brother.
I ordered it many weeks ago.
Is that my fault?
What do you, if it doesn't come in on Christmas, what do you do?
Do you just give her like the gift receipt?
It's coming.
I ordered it in advance.
Yeah.
I'm just going to tell her that it's coming.
She does not give a shit.
I thought we weren't doing gifts and then a record shaped box showed up and she won't
tell me what it is.
So I have to get her a gift.
So, Molly, I know you're listening to this and that was rude.
I hate that because we were like, we're not going to do gifts either.
And then as I said those words, those words left my mouth.
Like, let's not do gifts this year to save money.
I was planning what gift I was going to have to get her because obviously you can't just
not get gifts.
I hate that.
Why would you do that?
I don't know.
Guess what?
What are you, a silly Billy?
We got gifts and I wasn't the only one.
You can't just not get gifts.
That's not how that works.
I bought Molly a typewriter.
She loves typewriters.
I know she does.
She has like what, six in this room alone?
Is he five right now?
Molly's typewriter hoarding is getting out of hand.
It's true.
Uncalled for, Molly.
Court of Mepa Carthy, his typewriter was recently sold for like 10 grand, which is a steal in
my book.
He was more than that, wasn't it?
It was not a lot.
I think the funniest thing about that is he sold it and then immediately just bought the
same typewriter to continue writing.
And then died.
Yeah, like five years later.
But you know what?
He still did.
Phenomenal author though.
One of my favorites.
I've been reading quite a bit again, trying to stay off his little social media.
And I find that I have a lot more free time when I'm not staring at Instagram all the
time.
I've been filling that with reading.
Man, underrated hobby right there.
Where did you get your information on this typewriter?
I might have just made it up in my head.
Why?
$254,500.
Expensive boy.
$10,000, $250,000.
Same thing.
It's the same one.
Is that his typewriter?
Yeah.
Wow.
That's so cool.
I think it was a letter of 32.
Mine is obviously broken and has not had hundreds of thousands of award winning words written
on it.
But hey, it's the same thing.
Cormac McCarthy appeared to not give a shit about which one it was.
Are we shocked by that though?
Have you read any of his books?
I've read all the pretty horses in high school.
I don't remember any of it, but I have it and I plan to reread it at some point.
I've read a lot of his stuff.
I'm a big fan and I'm not shocked to find out he has no sentimental attachment to anything
that he owns.
Why's that?
He writes very somber books.
Very not mellow.
What's the word?
Melancholy.
There we go.
I'm not at all shocked to find out about this.
Before he died, there's a Twitter account called Cormac McCarthy.
I don't know if it's actually him or what.
It's called Cormac McCarthy.
He's got the Verify sticker, which no longer means anything.
Most likely him.
The last thing that Cormac McCarthy Twitter posted before his death was a picture from
inside of a Barnes and Noble.
It was how to draw anime furries.
The caption was, so this is what it's come to.
He died like three days later.
Jesus.
A friend, one of my parents' friends from back home, her husband was on the last Rose
Bowl winning team for University of Iowa.
Iowa went back to the Rose Bowl in 2013, I think, and they got their asses kicked.
Christian McCaffrey was on the other team.
He will do that to you.
Yeah, it was like 58 to nothing or something like that.
What a unit of a man.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, he's a beast.
But this family friend watched the game, went to bed and died.
That night.
Fuck.
Yeah.
Do you tell that to the team?
Why would you?
He was just, I don't think he had affiliation with the team at that point.
Hey gents, here's the deal.
Performance last night wasn't great.
It was in fact so not great.
X, Y, and Z, but running back from the last time we won the Rose Bowl, he watched the
game and died.
Yeah, she killed him.
So do better next year so you don't kill old football stars.
Yeah.
Do better, guys.
Sad.
Do better.
Yeah, I thought it was a joke, but it was his wife that told me the stories.
I'm pretty sure she told the truth.
I hope no one ever tells me something like that because dude, I can't not laugh.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was like 17 at a time.
I was like, wow, that's something.
You just don't load it on me.
Good heavens.
You heard a lot of fucking sports folks talk about this specifically.
That Colts punter who I watch at Chow, I can't think of his name, lunch.
The guy that stands up with a black tank top.
Yeah.
Exactly.
He was covering this.
It was like some guy saying, stop having mediocre white guys be your announcer of sports
games.
You get the all-time greatest white guy team and all-time greatest black guy team to see
who's the best.
I was thinking about that.
I think it would be a really impressive game because you know what, man?
There are some fucking stars.
Who's your-
Yeah.
I mean, the white guy team would just be like 47 quarterbacks and Christian McCaffrey.
I mean, not even, man.
Think about it.
And Rob Gronkowski.
Who else?
You'd have a shit ton of offensive linemen.
Your offensive line would be impenetrable.
Your defense would be pretty stacked.
You'd got a-
You have no backs.
The watts alone.
You have no backs.
No D-backs.
This is true.
What do I know coverage?
You have a pretty damn good line.
Decent linebackers.
You wouldn't have nobody cover.
And the other team, they've got the fastest wide receivers.
This is true.
I don't think it'd be as bad as they think.
Also, why was that brought up about announcing?
What?
I think it was just like why people shouldn't talk about sports.
Why?
I don't fucking know.
Tom Brady.
He's like the guy.
Yes, he is.
Michael Phelps.
And like even basketball, you know, the blackest dude sport that there is.
I think if you could assemble an all-time white guy team in basketball, it would be
pretty solid.
Yeah, like Dirk, Harry Bird.
I don't even know about Dirk.
I might go for a, what's his name?
Nikola Jokic?
Yeah.
I'll probably put him on center.
Steve Kidd.
I would want, is he white or is he mixed?
That's another question.
Where'd the mixed guys go?
Are they just not included?
Anyways.
If they're on team.
Getting too analytical here.
I would say.
That's such a silly argument about commentators.
I don't know about my power forward.
If we can have the mixed guys, I want Blake Griffin.
Brian Scalbrine.
Scalbrine.
I don't know who that is.
He was like a shitty player for the Celtics, but he won championships because he was on
the Celtics.
Oh, that guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm sure there are some white power forwards I can't think of right now.
Actually realistically, I would probably just.
Chris Taps, poor Zingus.
No, I would probably put Dirk on center, drop Jokic to power.
I want Larry Bird as my small forward.
And shit, man, probably the Luca as my shooting guard, point guard, Steve Kerr.
You know who's one hell of a point guard?
Or at least they were when I was in eighth grade.
Fucking Kyle Rose.
I know the name.
I'm just not picturing it.
You don't know Kyle Rose?
I'm sure.
The guy that married you.
I see.
Was he really?
I didn't know that was his last name.
He was the goddamn best B team point guard center pointer Brandon has ever seen.
Was he actually?
He kicked ass.
It didn't make sense.
He would just chuck the ball up and it would go in.
I would have loved to find.
I wish he'd dedicated his whole life to being good at basketball because I would love to
watch NBA players getting juped out by a guy with a Jufro, man, just getting destroyed.
Seth Rogan with a three.
No Chris.
Kyle.
Kyle, I know you're listening to this.
Shout out Kyle.
That would bring me so much joy.
Really any non-conventional minority group winning.
Imagine just an Amish man laying down, bro.
Like in the road?
What do you mean by that?
No, no, on the basketball court.
It'd be upsetting.
It would be fantastic.
He's got the hat on still as he crossed people up.
I would turn off.
I would turn off the TV and go to bed early.
Some of them are allowed to play basketball.
I've played basketball with a couple Amish kids.
I mean, not like coordinated games.
I've played pick up ball with Amish folk.
Interesting.
They're quite good and very physical, man.
Those Amish kids throw all those.
I mean, they're like basically growing up in the 1800s.
I'm sure they get beat all the fucking time.
And also the only fun thing they have to do if they are allowed to have it is basketball.
So it makes sense that they're good at it.
It's true.
Yeah, imagine you get dunked on by like a guy named Obadiah.
He just while you're laying on the ground, just, to ask me, scoffron.
Yelling at you.
Jeb.
The entire city is Obadiah, Fritz, Obadiah, Fritz, Obadiah, Fritz.
They're all going crazy.
True.
Or what's the traditional Jewish, what's that called?
Yiddish?
I don't know.
That would be hilarious too.
That would be awesome.
How come those are the only two that have like extreme hardline old school stuff?
I don't know.
I'm sure there are more.
What's it called?
Luckily, there's no old hardline Germans.
Let's not talk about that.
Well, actually there is the Amish.
You know what I meant?
Talking about the 40s, guys.
What's it called?
The Russian religion, the Russian option, the Russian orthodoxy where like they all have
super long beards and stuff.
That would be funny.
I don't spend too much of my time looking up a religious niches.
You're missing out, dude.
There's some cool stuff out there.
Really?
Yeah.
I work with a Norse pagan.
He talks about that a lot.
Apparently, who's their guy?
Odin came from a cow or something.
That's weird.
How would that?
Let's say you watched a cow birth a child.
What would your first thought be?
It was a giant cow that belonged to the only giant man that existed at the time.
And it?
It birthed whatever birthed Odin.
It was explained to me today.
It was murky at best.
It birthed like a friar breathing crow who came out and immediately birthed a baby.
Vomited Odin.
Just an old guy.
An old guy with one eye.
What the hell was that?
Whoa.
That was weird.
Nobody's going to believe this.
Back at the crowbar.
And you, Bjorn Bjornsson and your brother, Johan Bjornsson, you're just staring.
They're like, oh, what is happening?
The noise you made.
Speaking of bears, fuck did that go from?
Apparently, the world record bear kill just happened like an hour from here.
So watch your back bears.
I'm coming for the one of you that's bigger, but somehow evaded that guy.
You fuck.
I will have your head on my wall.
I think we're going about this all wrong.
Why is that?
So like, think about this, right?
If America wanted to overthrow a government, America, how would they do it?
They didn't.
They put it in a spy.
It would all have to do with bears.
I'm getting there.
Now you're familiar with Jane Goodall.
You with me so far?
The the ape lady?
Yes.
The gorilla lady?
Yes.
OK, sure.
I'm with you.
We go.
We find a bear colony.
We infiltrate it.
We friend them, earn their trust.
Now we're in there.
We're bringing them food on the reg.
We know where they're at.
We're breeding our own world record bear.
Next thing you know, hibernation season comes.
Boom.
Throw away the rear neck and choke.
Got them.
They're fighting, but it's OK.
We've learned from them.
We know their moves.
We just right to sleep.
Right to sleep.
We shook the bear out.
And you have the world record bear.
Yeah.
You know that's the thing that people with private land do, right?
Like they take care of deer so that they can kill them when they're large.
That's like that's a pretty common practice.
OK, but do they do they choke them out with their bare hands?
Bear hands.
Deer don't sleep for months.
So I assume not.
Really?
What?
Deer don't sleep?
Not for months.
That's crazy.
Like bears have hibernation.
They sleep literally for months.
I thought you meant like deer don't sleep for months.
No, they are not just like awake for three months.
That is absurd.
Not to my knowledge at least.
I guess I could be wrong.
But yeah.
Do you want to do you want to spend like the rest of our podcasting journey just pushing
that the deer don't sleep like for no gain?
See how much it's like the it's like the birds aren't real thing.
How much damage can we do to the world?
Yeah.
No balls.
Spread what mild wild misinformation.
Also, I think there's a code of ethics when you're hunting.
Like you don't kill a sleeping animal.
If an animal is obviously dazed and near you, you don't shoot it.
Yeah, well, I'm not going to I'm not going to kill it while it's sleeping.
I'm going to hit it with a wild right hook.
That's going to wake it up, alert it from a slumber.
And then it's on.
Give it a little pinch.
I think that's fucked up, too.
It should it should have like a fighting chance.
Wake up.
He's like, well, I got me a really good joke.
And I don't know about bear fire watch balls.
You put so many pieces.
I hate it.
I hated it.
Yeah, we're going to we're going to kill a big bear.
You know, I think we're going to cool a moose because those things are mammoths.
Mice mice.
What's the difference between a moose and an elk?
I know elk hunting is really big now.
I mean, like they're entirely different.
Moose are huge.
Moose are fucking disgusting.
Are they bigger than elk?
Massive.
I know they're huge.
I've never seen an elk.
I've seen I think an elk is like the size of a horse.
Really?
A moose is like the size of an elephant.
No.
Moose are large animals, dude.
They're not.
Have you seen moose before?
All the time, dude.
I've seen a moose like 50 yards away.
They're not that.
They're huge.
I live with a colony of me for seven years.
I think I think I know what's going on here.
OK, let's just calm down with the accusations.
How large are mooses?
I saw a flock of moose and I top out at seven feet just under.
How tall are elephants?
Ten feet.
Not a huge difference.
I expected elephants to be bigger.
As you said, seven feet.
Oh my gosh, shit.
Elephants are probably like 14 feet tall.
1400 pounds.
I'm going to go kill a moose and then I'm going to stress out a lot about where I'm going
to put it because I do not have enough room for 1400 pounds of meat in my little freezer.
What do you do when you're a hunter and you kill an animal?
I assume you eat it all right there raw.
And then you realize, oh shit, I'm 600 miles into the wilderness.
This is me and my buddy.
We have this 1400 pound corpse to drag to our trucks.
What do you do?
Like world record bear guy.
What do you do?
I'm sure you have a plan.
Four wheelers.
That's what Google says.
OK.
Like I don't have a four wheeler.
That's hunting expedition got way more expensive.
I got my lamb or feedies.
I have four or four, like two grand.
That's like two guns, dude.
I'm willing to pay that to be able to transport the thing I killed.
Worth it.
I can't be the last time you took an ice bath.
Well, today is the 20th, so never fucking idiot.
Where do you where do you ice bath at my bath?
Do you fit in a bathtub?
I mean, I'm not like I can't lay flat in a bathtub.
I have a very difficult time fitting into bathtubs.
I can sit with my butt to one end and my feet go all the way to the other end.
And I have to tilt them a little bit to get my knees into the water.
I don't think I get my knees in the water.
Also, our bathtub doesn't hold water.
So that's probably why I don't know.
I just got a leaky drain.
Well, it sounds like quitter talk saying that you can't fit in a bathtub.
I'll just go buy one of those tubs they use to feed livestock.
I'm genuinely considering getting one of those, but I don't want to do it in my backyard because crack heads will walk by.
Unless you just wake up one day, it's a crack head bathing in your backyard, your ice bath tub.
No!
I mean, I wouldn't be that upset.
I would probably fight them because if you don't establish dominance with them quick, they come back.
I think you spray with the hose.
Oh, didn't see it there. Just fill it on my ice bath.
Get my 10 pound block of ice out of the freezer and just hook it at them.
How much ice do you...are you just laying in ice or is it water and ice?
I would do much more ice if I had the ice.
However, I don't have an ice maker nor do I have a bath that will hold ice.
So I do ice cream buckets full of water sticking in the freezer.
Why don't you just go buy a bag of ice for like three bucks?
Well, you'd need like seven to get it even close to the temperature you want.
What's the temperature you want?
I want like 40 degrees.
Currently with the amount of ice that I have, I'm getting it to like 50.
So I need more ice.
So what's the next step in that process?
Do you buy an industrial ice maker?
Like one of those things that will explode ice if you're going to close it?
No. I'm going to buy some ice cream and then eat it and then fill that bucket with ice, with water as well and freeze that.
So you're just sitting there with massive like quarts of ice?
No, I don't know. Well, actually, I know you went to the bathroom.
I assume you saw the hammer on the ground.
Oh, I figured you were just doing like construction, like hanging a picture or something.
Oh, I don't know.
In the bathroom?
Well, I don't know.
No, I just didn't break up ice.
Okay. How often do you ice bath?
I've done it like three times in the past two weeks.
I want to do it every day, but every day I wake up and I'm like, I should take an ice bath.
However, I don't want to.
I just take cold showers.
It's like, you know, who's going to carry the boats?
And then I stopped.
I got to say, man.
Not going to do that again.
There's like evidence that like doing the actual cold like plunge, like getting in the cold water.
How long do you sit in an ice bath for?
Three minutes on my legs, three minutes on my upper body.
How much of that time do you have your head submerged?
None.
Pussy.
I mean, you won't even take a cold shower.
So who's the real pussy here?
I've taken cold showers for years.
Let a brother have a warm shower.
Well, I would if you weren't a pussy.
Fair.
Like what's the what's the medical benefit to an ice bath?
They like boost your metabolism and helps you gain muscle and burn fat and stuff.
Interesting. Interesting.
And you just feel better like crazy spike in endorphins.
I feel phenomenal afterwards.
I could just fight a moose.
Of course, I wouldn't because I don't have an ATV.
But could that possibly be the reason why the Vikings were so muscular?
Because they took cold showers.
I don't think they showered at all, actually.
Ice baths.
I assume that was all they had.
Ice.
I think people just didn't practice hygiene back then.
I mean, surely if you had if you were just like coated in mud from a long day of pillaging, I imagine you take a take a quick dip.
I think you mostly just waited for it to dry and then just kind of brush it off.
Bathing bathing wasn't like a thing.
I wasn't alive.
I can't speak authoritatively.
I don't know like that culture specifically, but I know a lot of them.
They just they were stanking.
That was until like the fifties.
Really?
Yeah.
Chowry didn't become normal practice until modern plumbing.
Well, I mean, I know in all of the old timey books, the I can't think of the name of the books right now, but they always talk about like their weekly baths.
I was wrong.
Vikings did bathe by Yoy.
They would do it in a sauna called a sweat house.
So they were not not cold.
Weaners essentially does your north pagan friend as he stink, he seems like a smelly guy for what I've heard.
No, no.
OK.
If you like went and worked out and then came back and hasn't showered yet, he smells like a guy that just worked out.
But no, he does not like stink normally.
Interesting.
He actually has really expensive clone for whatever reason.
It's like, hey, man, does he work to work?
Yeah, he brings it to work and applies it at work.
So I'm not going to wear it on the walk here.
That's stupid.
You're not going to spray it in my shop either, bitch.
Go to the bathroom.
That's stupid.
Yeah, I had like I briefly had nice cologne that I wore when I went out.
But now I never go out.
So why would I have that?
Yes.
Same.
I never like the dudes who have the wild, wild hygiene routines.
I never really understood that.
Like if you have like nine creams that they apply twice a day.
If every morning you wake up and mentally run through the American Psycho intro to like get ready for work, stop that.
Yeah, it's kind of terrifying.
And realistically, man, the only person looking at you with that much intensity is you, you know?
Yeah.
Especially as a dude.
No one's looked at a dude and been like, ah, look at this guy.
Ruskin.
If somebody is close enough to me to make comments about the state of my skin, my finger is going in their mouth.
This is a warning.
This is a threat.
I think that's a pretty reasonable, reasonable standard.
If you are close enough, if you're not a medical professional and you're close enough to evaluate my skin, you're going to have a dirty finger.
All right.
Fuck.
Fucking go away.
It's like I've never understood.
Can't say I said undo it all.
What are you mad about?
You had a bad thought.
Yes.
Are you nervous?
I lost my entire train.
I thought they're actually.
What the fuck were we talking about?
I don't know.
You were in the middle of saying something, but you hadn't gotten far enough.
You said, I think that was it.
Yep.
Something, something crazy distracted me.
When episode 12, it's 12.
We're doing pretty good.
That's a word you used.
Well, just because no one listened to our podcast doesn't mean we're doing bad.
We've got like nine dedicated listeners.
Okay.
Yeah.
And one of them is my mother and the other one is my wife and the other one is your wife and the other two are us.
Are friends.
I don't listen to our practice.
You don't know.
I don't want to hear myself talk.
We could have you think I am.
We could have dedicated listeners.
You would just listen to it.
My mom will start every episode and then give up.
So I think that counts for one.
I'll play it through occasionally.
I won't listen to it.
I'll just put it on super fast and then click it.
Never listen.
I just click through it.
I don't hear myself talk.
I sound like an idiot.
I think we can get like Chad GPT to up our numbers, boy it ended listening to us a bunch.
Yeah, I don't know about Chad GPT.
I feel like there's a lot of a lot of options there.
We give a shot.
But anyway, I've been getting off work pretty early because like holidays not a whole lot going on.
And I go home to my wife and my child.
Being a raising a kid man, it's pretty pretty labor intensive like surprisingly, you know, you think of yourself like, oh, it's a kid.
They'll run around and play games.
No, man, you can't do you can't do shit when you got them things running around like grabbing you making you spin in circles and shit like that.
Just throw it.
Well, no.
OK.
Yeah.
I don't know. Like, you know, I never I never looked down upon say home or there's been now I like look up highly upon them.
That is a an intensive job.
And like half the time they're trying to like shove forks and outlets.
You're like, what are you doing?
Did you have outlet covers for poor like less than a dollar?
OK. You think I got less than a dollar to spare?
Yeah.
You're right.
So it goes quite financially stable.
But like not the point.
You fucking dork.
My hot salt's coming tomorrow.
You ready for that?
Oh, yeah.
That's what was that cayenne and ghost pepper?
No, Carolina Reaper, ghost pepper and a third one.
I don't remember.
All of them are hotter than I can handle.
So it's going to be fun.
I want to be what do you what do you plan on doing with this thing?
So salt's something that enhances food.
I'm going to put it on food.
OK.
This is my plan.
So I see a better idea.
It's all your food.
You're going to be adding her into my spice tool.
Yeah, pretty sure I'm going to be eating only meat for like three months.
So I guess you're going to do a little bit of flavor.
Yeah.
I don't know if it was like that's the type of thing you buy when someone at work is stealing your your lunch out of the communal fridge.
You just shake it all over your food.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Here's a 50 pack of clear outlet covers for nine ninety nine.
Hmm.
Pass.
Less significantly less than a dollar apiece.
Pass.
I have full faith my child will not make a sale with a fork.
I feel like that's a bad bet.
Has she tried?
No.
OK.
No, that's an exaggeration.
OK.
So I'd like to back up to where you said you've never worked down on single mothers.
That's a lie.
When have I ever.
I'm going to invest in real estate so I can triple the rent for single mothers.
You got to go down again.
You got to admit to be kind of silly.
That's my point.
It's going to be really fun.
To be fair, I also said I wanted to rain bricks on New York City.
Like clearly I'm just saying shit.
OK.
Like most of the time the things that I say are not said out of malice.
They're said because I don't hear the things that I'm saying until they come out of my mouth.
I am regularly just as surprised as you are.
Uh huh.
I'll just be chilling at work and then somebody will say like, you know what, man?
I wonder what an arm tastes like.
I'm like, who the fuck said that?
And I look around and they're staring at me.
I'll be like, oh no.
Oh no, it was me.
Yeah, you seem like the kind of guy that's got somebody else running the show half the time.
Yeah, man.
I'm just living here.
I lived with you for what, like a year and a half?
Right about.
You talked a lot in your sleep.
Oh no.
He's back.
Like fucking who?
Who is back?
You reference that pretty regularly.
Is that something I said often?
That happened like probably three separate times.
Oh no.
I always just kind of figured you were fucking with me, but now I understand that you were just sleep talking.
There's got to be ghosts in Okinawa.
So maybe somebody was there.
Maybe you're a medium, but you're like really bad at it.
So you're going to do it in your sleep and incoherently.
Imagine that you go to a medium and they're like, I don't know how my grandmother's doing.
Let me take my melatonin.
Sit in this chair.
Don't make a noise.
If there's anything late, I will wake up and we'll ruin the entire process.
You'll get one sentence for eight hours.
They're like, okay, okay.
Excruciating pain.
It's like six hours later, I wake up and just like, ah, yeah, your grandma's doing fine though.
Yeah.
Honk shoo.
Eternal suffering honk shoo.
I've heard I'm an unpleasant sleeper.
Like it's true.
Whoever told you this was telling you the truth.
I like apparently I roll over and like lower my arms to whatever side I've rolled to.
I lowered them with very little control.
And unfortunately I have a wingspan that lasts the entire length of the bed.
So I'll just drop a hammer fist on half the bed.
Why do you do that?
I don't know, man.
I don't know what's going on when I'm awake.
You think I know what's going on when I'm asleep?
I don't know, man.
Why did you just go into like a nervous Southerner from the 20s?
I don't know, man.
That's what I am, dude.
I'm a nervous Southerner from the 70s.
Nervous guy from Tennessee.
Yeah.
Did I say 70s?
Whatever.
Talk about sweet tea and segregation.
Sweet tea, pick and pie and homemade wine.
Yeah.
I don't see why not.
Sounds all right.
Yeah.
It's some of the good stuff in life.
You know what I mean?
Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I had something to talk about, but I fucking forgot what it was.
It's really making me mad.
I'm sorry to hear that.
What was it?
I thought that might work like a post-hypnotic suggestion thing.
Cut your balls off.
All right.
Well, hey, that's something you said.
Something you actually threaten regularly.
Do I?
Yeah.
Interesting.
A lot.
Did you hit yourself?
Maybe I'll do it more.
I would really prefer you did.
Did you think about that?
It's actually one of the less pleasant threats I've been a victim of.
My back hurts.
You got anything?
You want to call it a wrap?
Yeah, might as well.
All right.
Well, hey, thanks guys.
Joey Chestnut and Bears.
Watch your fucking back.
Thanks for listening.
We're coming for you, Joey and Bears.
Bye.
I don't care, you don't care, if I ever hang up on you
you