Welcome back to the Parties Over.
I'm your host as always, Kyle O'Donoghue, back with my co-host Jonathan, Secret Squirrel
Stolke.
Today, we have a special guest.
Jon, you want to take him here?
The guest is my dad.
Hello, dad.
Hey, how are you?
Good, how are you?
Happy to be here.
Good.
Yeah, he's retired.
He doesn't know what to do with his life, so he came to North Carolina for a few days.
There you go.
And then it's going to rain most of the time I'm here.
That's the way it is.
It's better than being 110.
That's true.
Or 20 below.
Exactly.
Doesn't get 20 below here.
Ever.
I think it's a nice 20.
Rarely.
In the mornings.
In the 30s, usually.
Yeah, I guess it'll dip down there in the middle of the night.
Usually when I'm leaving for work is chilling in the low 20s, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, same.
Like 28, 29.
Yeah, yeah.
This past week or so at least.
It'll probably be warmer now for at least a little bit since it's rained.
Speaking of weather, with there being a small scale hurricane going on right now, if the
power cuts out mid-podcast, what happens?
This will continue to run off battery.
Oh, so we're just going to pod in the dark then?
No, I would end it.
Our three mics would drain it very quickly, but at least we would get what we have.
Well, fair, fair, fair.
All right.
At least it wouldn't be lost, you know?
We could throw the outro in there in post.
Or not since we don't know how to do any of that.
Yeah.
We really need a guy who can do things.
A tech guy?
Yeah, yeah.
We lack a tech guy.
We need a dork.
None of us are particularly proficient in that area.
You need Ian.
You think Ian wants to move to North Carolina to be your tech guy?
Yeah.
Let's see why not.
I'm sure there's an opera here somewhere.
Worth a shot.
He could potentially do it remotely.
Could he really?
I mean, not like during the podcast, but he might be able to edit.
If we just send in the files, I think we'll figure that out later.
We'll talk to him.
Oh, then I'll have to explain why I haven't told any of my family that we have a podcast.
That'll be weird.
Yeah, you probably should.
Maybe just send out a text.
I've only told mom.
Yeah, and she listens to about five minutes.
Why are you hiding it from your family?
No, she actually has.
She has listened to it.
She got upset during the second episode.
Well, that's true.
Because we talked about Matthew Perry and she didn't know what cat killed him.
There's a conspiracy theory about a singer named Doja Cat.
Okay, let's not call it a conspiracy theory.
It was one guy's stupid idea.
Yeah, that's right.
There's one guy that thinks that Doja Cat killed Matthew Perry.
She is a singer.
I don't even know who Doja Cat is.
Well, that's where mom got upset.
She thought we were talking about a feline animal and she was angry.
Speaking of mom, it's my mom asked a question.
Her podcast question, if you could tame any wild animal, which would it be?
And how would you use that animal to benefit mankind?
Well, I wouldn't use it to benefit mankind.
I'm not really sure where she thought that was going.
She's listened to the podcast.
The last episode was about me wanting New York to be destroyed by bricks every time
it rains.
She's like, oh yeah.
I'm going to benefit mankind with a lion.
Did she actually listen to us?
Yes.
Yeah.
She's a big man.
Wow.
We really got that whole thing backwards.
We thought my mom was going to listen.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
Well, to be fair, my mom hasn't heard my voice in person in several years.
So like, you know, I imagine that's a factor.
It's endearing.
Yeah.
I suppose.
Anyways, domesticated animals.
What are you choosing?
What are they doing?
You go first.
I went first with the question.
Actually, I think we know what you would do.
You would take bears and you would use them to overthrow the Vatican.
Perhaps.
Yeah.
Was it one animal or many?
I think also I can't just make it bulletproof.
That's true.
So that kind of throws a wrench in my plan.
And I think she's specified a species.
So I see you get them all.
Okay.
You know, I take the bears and we'd be fucking gunning for the Swiss guard because those
guys are dorks.
They wouldn't even need to be bulletproof.
They just need to be Pike proof because the Swiss guard, I've never been insulted.
If I have all of the bears, this is overwhelming.
I think I would go squirrels and I would just use them to inflict mayhem upon the world.
You know, I fuck with that.
Yeah, that's right.
10 million squirrels chasing a random Honda Civic down the highway.
That'd be hilarious.
Not for the driver, obviously, but like for everyone else.
That'd be hilarious.
Millions of squirrels harassing the homeless of Jacksonville.
Wouldn't they be funny?
Not like hurting them.
Just like head, headbutt of a bunch, you know, picking them up and carrying them away, acting
like a giant organism.
A tidal wave of squirrel.
I assume they have a hive mind.
So like a tidal wave swirl of squirrels just charging into the dollar general, filling
it up with squirrels.
It is sitting there, you know?
Yeah.
In your mom's scenario, can I like, can I force them to work together like ants can
like build structures and stuff?
I assume I control them like that.
Or are they just like a bunch of well-trained dogs?
I'm not going to call my mom on ask right now, but I assume they have like they have
a hive mind.
I think all animals do, don't they?
I don't think so.
Do they?
Is that a thing?
I don't know.
You know, if it was me, I would domesticate alligators.
And then just for the terror aspect of it.
Of course you could, you could domesticate spiders and just use those to kill John.
That would be horrifying.
That would be, I would, I would kill myself.
I would charge the Swiss Guard and let them take care of me without the bears, of course.
That would be terrible.
Well, yeah, but you would think there would be a wall of spiders right behind you.
That would be so much scarier than bears.
You think they'd run and not just a massive ginger man running at you at full speed while
a barrage of spiders, millions of spiders falling close behind.
I think I'd run too.
Yeah, that's fair.
Get out there as fast as I could.
That would be absolutely horrifying.
Possibly a sea animal.
Just all the tuna on earth going after like a cargo ship.
The USS America.
Tipping it.
You're going to do the, you've seen Pirates of the Caribbean where they run on one side
to the other and tip the boat over.
They do that, but just slap the bottom on one side.
Yeah.
That'd be interesting.
I think Jeff Bezos has a yacht.
So I think that'd be my hearse move.
Yeah.
We've talked about this before.
Yes.
Just a barrage of tuna assaulting his yacht.
That'd be cool.
Yeah.
Or whales.
How big does tuna get?
I mean, I've watched wicked tuna and they appear to be pretty hefty.
Like scarily large.
They're a little bit more than a thousand pounds.
I want tying kind.
They could be several hundred pounds, I think.
2000 pounds.
13 feet.
That's a large creature right there.
That's not a whale.
2000 pounds.
That's a big tuna.
Yeah.
Like, or possibly minnows.
And I would just use them to, wow, that's a hefty whale right there.
400,000 pounds.
Approximately 33 elephants.
Anything by the metric system, boys.
Thank God.
I feel like minnows would be as bad as spiders.
There would be some poor child playing in a pond and I'd be like, get them boys.
And that poor kid, he would never go in the water again.
They're just like, I feel like you could make an island if you controlled all the minnows.
You could just make a minnow island.
Wouldn't that be something?
It's like walking across the top of the water because I'm standing on a thousand minnows.
Sprinting across the ocean.
It'd take a lot more than a thousand.
Well, yes.
Millions of minnows.
If I really packed them in tight though, I feel like a good.
A minnow treadmill.
Yeah.
That'd be cool.
Terrifying.
Yeah, wouldn't it?
That would be horrible.
Just a flock of minnows coming at you.
Speaking of walking on the water, isn't the Dead Sea like dried up now?
Isn't it gone?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
You're telling me it's dead?
Oh.
Yeah.
Walked right into that one, didn't you?
Is the Dead Sea gone?
It's been dropping since 1960.
A meter per year.
How many elephants is that?
Like a third, maybe?
A third of an elephant every year?
This is a catastrophe.
How many meters tall is an elephant?
Yeah, it was close.
13.
2.5 meters?
2.5 to 4, so that's three.
That's two of me.
Yeah.
It's pretty big.
Yeah, yeah.
Is it an African or an Asian?
Asian elephants are terrifying.
They look like they're on crack.
That's interesting.
Have you seen them?
I have not seen an Asian elephant.
I didn't even know they had elephants in Asia.
Yeah.
I do know they have pandas, though.
Do they still have wild pandas or are they all dead?
I think they still have them in China.
Good for them.
Hold on to those things.
You've got to know something's going on with China because they're taking the damn pandas
back.
Yeah, I'm not sure what's up with that, but obviously I'm not...
What's his name?
Lao Tzu, whatever?
Xi Jinping?
Yeah, there we go.
Look at that thing.
Crack it.
Oh, that's haunting.
Oh, that's the Chinese president.
Look at that guy.
President Xi.
Xi Jinping.
Yes.
Look at that guy.
Cute.
Terrifying, terrifying.
Crack it.
Need to see it.
I think for the future, if we're going to be looking at pictures of things...
Elephants.
We need to have visual.
We got to call an X-Nay on the looking at pictures and describing them.
Well, I'm cool with that, but how do we get it?
How do we do that?
I don't fucking know, man.
I don't think we can do it with this.
We're going to have to upgrade our interface.
That's why we need Ian.
We really do.
Perhaps.
You mean to tell me that I'm out here grinding.
I'm telling everybody that I know about our podcast and you won't even tell your brother.
Correct.
Why?
Or any of his family except his mother.
I told my mom.
I'm putting in the work, man.
I don't want people listening to me.
I tell my friends that I like.
That's why I haven't told anybody.
Yeah, it's no wonder we're not taking off.
You're not willing to put it on the line.
Hey, I've gotten half of our consistent listeners.
I told Mel and Meg and Kyle and Pig.
Molly.
I have a suspicion that maybe the guy named Pig is not the audience we're after here.
Why?
Okay, fucks.
Well, for starters...
No, he does not.
But, brother, his name is Pig.
His nickname is Enduring because we love him.
Is it Enduring because we love him or is it...
What's his actual name?
Hey, broker.
You look bullyable.
We're going to call you Pig.
And he was like, well, I am weird.
Oink.
Yeah.
You got that?
Man.
Yeah.
Dad, you got anything you want to talk about?
What a character.
Got any stories?
Oh, I got a lot of stories.
Probably can't talk about a lot of them.
Why not?
Huh?
I don't know.
Is it about me or your work or...
I got a lot of stories about you.
Okay.
You know what?
I might not love it, but go ahead.
Remember that time that I said over and over again, I better not get added to any family
group chat?
And then you were like, hey, I just got a family group chat?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm posting the podcast.
That's fine.
I'm not afraid of them knowing.
Yeah.
So I think some of the best stories about you is that you and your buddy Kevin...
Okay.
So when he used to stay over and you're in your blue room downstairs, they would rather
than get up and shut the light off, they would use a BB gun to shoot at the light switch.
And so when we went and renovated that room, there were hundreds of BBs embedded in the
wall downstairs.
I'm just saying maybe there's a reason.
I'm a four-time expert in the Marine Corps, so...
Well, that could be, I guess.
Might have something to do with it.
That could be.
I've been practicing since my youth.
You know, it's too bad we can't have pictures on this podcast because I'd put pictures up.
That's fair.
Eventually.
Eventually, we'll have pictures.
We just got to figure it out.
And we both work all the time, so we don't spend that much time on the podcast stuff.
Because you don't make a lot on the podcast?
If by a lot, you mean like negative $300.
Is that what you're saying?
Yeah.
That is one of the things.
Yeah, me and Kevin used to take blank CDs and throw them up like...
One of those called clay pigeons and shoot them with my Red Ryder BB gun.
I don't see what the issue is with that.
Did everyone own a Red Ryder BB gun?
I had a Red Ryder BB gun.
Did everyone have one?
I think so.
I bought mine when I was in high school.
Okay.
So you bought yours with malice in mind.
I was given mine for my third birthday and they were like, here you go, kiddo.
Yeah, no, I had ideas.
Well, yours was around when I was a kid, your old one.
So I played around with that a little bit, but then I bought my own.
I was like, oh shit, this is the thing from a Christmas story.
I should shoot my eye out.
Do you think...
Was that a paid product placement?
I don't know.
Because they did not portray it in a very positive light.
True, but you think about it.
Oh yeah, it's iconic.
A Dazer Red Ryder BB gun.
Yeah.
I don't know if it's paid placement.
I think we can find out.
Have you guys ever watched that alien movie where the thing that kills the aliens is head
and shoulders shampoo?
What?
You guys never heard about that?
No.
So you beat me to it.
I was putting it on there too.
Oh nice.
Did the link come through?
The last time I tried sharing it via text, it didn't work.
Let me look.
Yeah, it did.
Oh good.
Goodie.
I don't cut that much.
What did you do?
I'm just going to say...
Oh, we shared it in the family group chat.
It's live now.
I'm here to that group chat.
I'm here to that group chat like six months ago.
Yeah.
Same.
I was surprised when I was looking for it.
Found out it hadn't been active since Wednesday.
Can you believe it?
That's like three whole days of no one having anything to talk about.
Wait, what happened?
The family group chat.
Yeah, it was fire.
What, you've been on it for a while?
Yeah, inactive since Wednesday.
Why'd you send that episode specifically?
That's just the first one I clicked on.
Why didn't you send the whole episode or the whole podcast?
Oh, well, you know what?
So they got the cool logo.
They got the episode.
And where's the picture taken at?
Okinawa or mainland Japan.
They're like three in the morning.
Yeah.
Is that why the beer's there?
Well, yes.
Yeah.
Where was that?
I mean, yes, besides mainland Japan.
I don't remember the base.
We were on a Navy base, the one near Mount Fuji.
We could see Mount Fuji from the base.
That's pretty cool.
Yeah, they're right.
It gets pretty snowy up there on Mount Fuji, you know?
Being a mountain and all.
So I'm waiting for somebody to respond to your text.
Actually, I'm waiting for Jonathan to reply with literally words, any of them.
What?
I don't know.
We've got to keep the ball rolling here, big dog.
On this?
You can talk too, you silly goose.
I don't have anything to say.
All right.
Oh, you sent it out too.
I was sending the link and then I said, sorry, it's been sending for six weeks.
All the way.
You have the main link.
Clever.
All right.
Well played.
Oh, hey.
Oh, good.
The episode picture.
You should probably push for Tristan to listen to it.
Why?
I don't know.
I don't think she would find this interesting in the slightest.
I think if anybody in that, it would be Sean and Ian that would actually listen.
Well, that could be.
I think we start with the children who are super influential and will learn all the words
we're saying.
That would be a good place to start.
That would be the bad time.
They grew up with me around there and they know the words.
Fair enough.
Whether they use them or not is up to them.
I really can't think of a single way.
It's been a go wrong.
I see that your mother hasn't even looked at my text, so she probably won't be listening
to us tonight.
Oh, cool.
Well, it's not up right now.
It's not logged in.
We recorded and then it'll go out after.
Oh, okay.
How long afterwards?
Right afterwards?
Pretty much immediately.
For Spotify, it takes like 20 minutes.
Yeah.
That's all I got.
I do have some friends that want to listen, but they have Apple or no, they have Apple
podcasts, so we need to get up on there.
They tried Amazon podcasts.
They do not want to.
Okay.
You have to pay for Amazon podcasts.
I have Prime, so I wouldn't know.
He might have Amazon actually.
Let me check.
If he has Amazon, go for it.
Which friend?
Stiff.
Oh, really?
I forgot about that guy.
How's he doing?
Seems good.
Good for him, man.
Good for him.
Is he still a tall Hispanic man?
Yeah.
I assume so.
He may have shrunk.
I haven't seen him in a couple of years, but that'd be my guess.
That's good.
You know, typically they stay that way.
Once they get there, they hang onto that status pretty hard.
Wait, what was the question, Apple or Amazon?
Amazon.
If we got Amazon, we're on there too.
Yeah, we are on Amazon.
We're not on Apple.
If we had a dork, we could possibly get on Apple.
We can do it from here.
There's instructions on how to do it.
I just haven't taken the time.
And you leave the second we finish every time.
Oh, yes, I had to go sedate my child.
I don't want to do it alone.
I usually have to argue with Spotify support to fix something.
Yeah, it's quite a hassle.
You got any other stories, Dad?
Tell us something interesting.
Put us out there.
You know, I'm old.
I don't remember very well.
That's fair.
You have that on those big jobs?
I don't know.
Interesting.
I'll try and think of something.
Interesting.
A lot of stories.
I'm not sure if they're appropriate.
They need to be appropriate.
I don't think of the requirement.
We're not appropriate people.
We talked about some heinous things.
I'm sure you have him specifically.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Certainly no sharks.
We're on Amazon, right?
Yes, we are on Amazon.
Damn it.
He's got Apple.
That bastard.
Who?
Somebody I used to work with.
Oh, one of my friends.
Well, anybody can listen to Apple or Amazon, right?
I think Amazon you have to pay for it, don't you?
I don't think so.
Not for a podcast.
I have no idea.
So we'll find out.
I'll message him after.
I don't want to do it mid-episode.
We went to a comedy show yesterday.
That was my first comedy show.
That was fun.
First time?
Yeah.
I've watched a lot of comedy.
I've never been to a show.
Believe it or not, there's not a lot of really good comedians in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
Really?
It seems like kind of a hub of comedic geniuses.
It's really the place.
Well, that doesn't make any sense because if you grew up somewhere with absolutely nothing
going on, you'd think you would...
You don't get funny.
You just drink a lot and be mean.
Well, yeah.
You drink a lot and you be mean and then by proxy you hit your kids a bunch and then they
get funny because that's how it works.
Not if they don't leave.
If they leave Iowa, they might be funny, but they're not going to be funny in Iowa.
Okay.
They stay in Iowa.
They just repeat the cycle.
I see now.
I see.
I guess there are.
There's two comedy clubs in Cedar Rapids.
I did not know that one.
Yeah, there are.
That's right.
Are they new?
I don't know what are they called?
The Lucky Cat and Penguin's Comedy Club.
Let's talk about how comedy clubs always have a weird name.
What's going on with that?
Penguin's probably been there for 30 years.
Really?
Yeah, a long time.
The Dead Crow, the Lucky Cat.
That's strange.
Also, it had like...
What was the thing?
Nut Street Comedy is what they had in the back of it.
That was odd.
Why not just, I don't know, Mark's Comedy Club?
Lame.
I don't want to go to a place called the Dead Crow.
That sounds like the type of place that a mildly overweight guy would go to get multiple
DUIs.
You did go to the Dead Crow.
Well, yeah, but if it hadn't been for whatever name, the semi-famous Jewish jokester who
was there, I wouldn't have gone.
That's fair.
I'd say we start going on Thursdays and just throwing shit out a wall.
Take videos, make clips, try and push the podcast.
That's actually...
We're going to somehow get fewer viewers because of how funny we are.
Amazon?
Google Podcast.
I think one of the major roadblocks we're going to hit is that we're not super funny.
Yeah, but there's so many comedians out there and so many of them are bad and people still
watch.
I'm not saying we're going to have 30 million listeners or 30 million views on shorts.
Well, that's stupid.
If I'm not Kevin Hart, I don't want to do it.
We might have 2,000.
We're not going to have 2,000.
I don't think it's that hard to get that many.
You don't think so?
No.
I've never done anything ever.
2,000 people is not a lot.
In the podcast community, it is.
I'm talking about shorts.
Oh.
Then we can then push the podcast.
Yeah, we need t-shirts.
That would be nice because we can get audio and video.
Oh, nice, nice, nice.
That would be helpful.
Maybe we could find a dork.
Who knows?
Perhaps, perhaps.
What do we...
I feel like I breathe a lot, so I am very comfortable talking in front of people.
If I try to be super prepared, it goes worse for me.
Interesting.
If I just hit it off the cuff and have a general idea, I do well.
I feel like if I tried to sit down and write a comedy routine, I would tank because I'd
be trying to remember it word for word and I'd just get real nervous.
But if I had ideas, I feel like I could just figure it out.
I'm not saying I'm going to be fucking hilarious.
Then say something funny.
I'm not going to do it right now.
This is the wrong setting.
What's the right setting?
I would've just said I'm good at talking in front of people.
A comedy club with a bunch of elderly folks who sticks up their asses staring at you with
disapproval?
Yeah.
And that long-haired man.
And that drunk guy telling you about Mario Kart and how he's filet wires.
That guy fucking sucked.
We should have beat the shit out of that guy.
Yeah.
If you're going to heckle, you got to be funny.
And he wasn't funny.
Yeah, be good at it.
He was just spouting nonsense.
We should have just beat the shit out of him then and there.
There was a couple of times the guy couldn't even understand him.
I'm surprised he didn't yell at the main act.
Yeah.
I think the bouncer told him that he would get kicked.
The guy with the cargo shorts.
Yeah, the least scary bouncer.
He's going to walk the earth.
He had an apron on.
So I think we need to send a text to your grandmother and ask her to listen to it.
I don't think she'll be able to figure it out.
You can if you want.
Oh, I can set it up for her.
Do it?
That would be so sweet.
She might enjoy it.
She might.
If she could hear it.
That's true.
We did steal her headphones to do the podcast so she no longer has a way to listen to things.
You've got it here.
Those are the ones she had for like five years.
That's my bad.
No, that's not true.
She had the wireless ones.
Yes.
Yes, because your mom just took them back from her.
Yep.
Those are the ones mom sent them to me.
They were not wireless.
They in fact had that wire.
Oh, you need to check with your mom because they were wireless because she kept leaving
them on and the battery would run out.
That's crazy because that's the first thing that I did with these things.
Yeah, those also have batteries.
I left them on and the battery ran out.
Well, I know they were wireless because she couldn't figure out how to plug them into
her phone.
So.
Interesting.
We'll have to ask.
They were definitely those.
We'll figure it out.
This is kind of a stupid hill to die on.
Let's talk about anything but this.
We'll figure it out after.
I don't think grandma would listen, but you can give it a shot.
You never know.
She might be interested.
I think she left me on read last week, actually.
She did.
Brutal.
Imagine getting left on read by your own grandma.
She didn't respond to me.
I texted her.
Like getting left on read by me, that's normal.
Your own grandmother though, that's tough.
My grandma is significantly more savage than you.
Really?
Yeah.
She has absolutely no filter.
She will just straight shit talk.
Anything that comes to mind.
It's hilarious.
Yes.
She had somebody come and visit her one day and I was there and she introduced me.
She said, this is my son, John.
He never comes to see me.
And I said, and you wonder why?
I can't wait until I'm old.
I'm just going to be fucking people left and right, man.
Start now.
Well, you know, if you're in a nursing home, you don't want to screw with too many people
because they won't feed you.
That's true.
And then they beat you.
Right.
Is that a thing?
Yeah.
Elder abuse.
Yeah.
What?
That's not old people.
Retirement home was like making the old folks fight.
What?
Like dog fights?
Well, I assume they weren't like biting.
They don't even have teeth.
Well, you never know.
But like.
Gumm-ing them.
You're fighting like Gertrude.
You're here.
Unhinged.
I hate that.
You're welcome.
I hate that a lot.
Who is the guy that we who is the opener yesterday?
What was his name?
Oh, I found him.
His name was Peter.
He seemed like he would have been a lot of fun if he was able to do any of his stuff.
Yeah.
I bet Peter would have been really appreciated again if we just beat the piss out of that
guy.
He seemed to enjoy it a lot when somebody screams shut the fuck up.
Peter Avello.
Peter Avello was a very funny man.
Peter Ravello.
Ravello.
Yeah, he seemed like a good guy.
The type of guy you want to have a beer with, you know?
Yeah.
But he did have like his very only his bottom button buttoned and that really upset me.
Yeah, that pisses me off.
He was wearing a jacket and he had buttons on it, but he only buttoned the very, very
bottom one.
So his jacket was just open.
But the top was open and then it came down.
What's wrong with him?
He's Italian.
How about just not buttoning at all?
Yeah.
That's what most people would do.
That's hilarious.
Unless you're an Italian from New York, apparently.
Yeah, that was bad.
I was like-
Not the comedy.
I was kind of angry about it.
The comedy was great.
The comedy was hilarious.
But that one thing was less than ideal.
That one thing was the only reason why I let him be heckled for so long.
She definitely brought him with, right?
100%.
That's weird.
Why?
A lot of them just get local acts to open for him.
You think there's a lot of hilarious local acts in the area?
I'm here.
That's true.
I bet she knew the parties over podcasts was here.
She would have had us come there instead.
Damn.
You hate to see it?
I really do.
Next time?
I'll let her know.
Shoot her DM real quick.
See if she knows Tolkien fan.
She is Tolkien fan.
Oh my God.
Holy shit.
That's what Rachel Feinstein spends her time doing.
Making up comedy and translating books.
Wouldn't that be interesting?
Because Tolkien fan appears to be pretty unfunny.
Yeah.
Tolkien fan seems like a very serious individual.
I stand by, I think Tolkien fan's like 85.
Probably a woman.
Yeah.
I think Tolkien fan was shown by a grandchild how to use Reddit.
They're like, yep, this is my thing now.
And they sit there for 18 hours a day.
They translate things and talk about Jane Austen.
That's probably got to be a pretty good life for an old person.
I think they'd be miserable.
Well, you're an old person.
You're already miserable.
No one's old and happy.
That's not true.
John, you want to back me up here?
I'm sorry.
Are any old people happy?
Yes.
Oh, well.
I think so.
Especially old people that are retired and don't have to work anymore.
That makes you very happy.
It doesn't.
I could retire.
You could.
I don't think you'd go very far.
I wouldn't have any money.
You'd be living on the street.
Two weeks in, you'd be like, oh, shit.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Could be a good idea.
You can see how it goes for you.
I see no flaws with it.
You know, I suppose some guy that, you know, some 70 year old guy that's married to a
35 year old woman's probably happy.
Yeah.
Maybe.
That's got to be a way to go.
I don't know.
I feel like you actually wouldn't be that happy.
I feel like there's a pretty bad disconnect and they're only with you for the money when
you die.
Well, he's only in that first.
Well, yeah, but they're just waiting on you to die.
So they're not like nice to you.
Well, they're nice to you till you die.
Maybe.
Until you're getting close to dying.
Some of them, like Melania Trump, you know she married him because she was expecting
him to die soon.
And he just keeps on.
And she was like, you know what?
Actually, I'm going to be the worst guy.
I'm going to be so more famous.
You know what though, man?
He's funny as shit.
He's hilarious to watch.
When life gives you lemons, Joe Biden kills you with them.
That was beautiful, man.
Did he say that?
Yeah.
Because the Panera Lemonade is killing everybody.
What did Joe Biden do?
Nothing.
It doesn't matter.
It's Joe Biden's America.
What's the connection?
Panera Lemonade is killing people?
Yeah.
They're super caffeinated.
Oh, that's what it is.
Yeah.
So like people drink them and have heart attacks.
Yeah.
And then you have to drink a Panera Lemonade.
They've had several people die.
I bet I could drink two.
Well, I'm going to find out, man.
Go for it.
Do it for the, I don't know.
Do it for me.
Do it for the death.
I used to be a three rain kind of day guy.
Oh really?
Three rain a day kind of guy.
Those are 300 milligrams each.
Wow.
That's a lot of milligrams.
That's like a whole gram, dude.
It's not a hundred grams, yeah.
And I would have coffee on top of it.
So I probably have a whole gram of caffeine a day.
I mean, I had to build up to that.
If I did it now, my heart would probably explode.
But peak Okinawa me, I could pound four of them in like 18 hours.
Peak Okinawa, you had a liver of steel, man.
Yeah.
That bad boy's process and shit left and right.
Things that no mortal liver should ever have to intake.
Most likely actually just a liver of not good liver tissue, but you can call it steel if
you want.
Yeah.
Steel, trash, same thing.
Yeah.
It's all the same.
Yeah.
I'll probably have to get a new one eventually.
We'll see.
I mean, end of the day, man, we all die.
So I just take it.
No, not me.
Oh, I forgot.
Yeah.
You're going to live forever?
No.
That sounds horrible.
Me and Will Nelson.
Well, if you could live forever and have good health, it'd be one thing.
Keith Richards.
Well, Keith Richards looks like he's dead.
He's still going.
They still do like three hour shows.
Yeah.
And touring.
He's 80.
It's Biden's age.
Who the fuck is Keith Richards?
Well, he's the guitarist for the Rolling Stones.
Oh yeah.
Well, you know what they say.
The Rolling Stones guy has no moss.
It's true.
It's Willie Nelson still touring too.
Oh yeah.
His birthday is actually on right now.
His what?
His birthday concert.
He's just hanging in there though.
He gets around more than we do.
Yeah.
Because he has a shit ton of money.
We have a shit ton of not old.
He has tour buses and people to help him.
Like Willie Nelson has millions of dollars so he gets to tour.
You know what I can do?
Walk unsupported.
So can he.
Okay, I can do it well.
Have you seen him walk?
Yeah.
He walks on stage.
He hollers.
He still walks, doesn't he?
You can hear the grinding and creaking as he moves.
He walks about the same you do.
That was so uncalled for.
Probably true.
That was so uncalled for.
And he's 30 years older than I am.
That's true.
Or almost 30 years older than I am.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's doing well.
Show me another 90 year old that's touring.
Oh, that's right.
Grandma.
She's not touring.
She's just mad.
My great grandmother, she was almost 100.
I think she died in a snowboarding accident.
Actually?
Yeah.
Come on.
I didn't know her very well.
She was on my dad's side so we didn't really.
That's pretend.
It is not.
No way.
Do you have pictures?
No.
I have no way to back it up.
Do you have a real bitch warrior that says she died in a snowboarding accident?
Let me go find Shreddin' the Gnar on the bunny hill.
I don't even know what her last name would have been.
Brosnowski.
Oh wait.
Holy shit.
Did you find her?
I think so.
Interesting.
Maybe not.
I have a distinct suspicion she didn't die in Jersey.
I'm sure there's snow in Indiana.
Yeah, it was most likely in Indiana.
Did you know that New Jersey has the most bears per capita of any state?
That's a weird.
Isn't that odd?
New Jersey does?
Yeah.
It's a shitty little state.
There's a shit ton of people you'd think there'd be even less bears per capita than
normal.
It's not that small I don't think.
Land wise it's not very big.
I think there's a lot of wooded area.
You know what's crazy?
How do shitty little states like Jersey have, I don't know, the entire mob in them?
How did that happen?
New Jersey's not that small.
You never hear the exotic stories of the mob down in Oklahoma.
You never hear about those.
True.
It's always in Jersey.
They border Pennsylvania and New York.
I'm sure there's mostly woodlands up there.
But what?
You know who else is from Jersey?
Paulie D?
I think he's actually from New York.
He's got a task on the show, doesn't he?
What a bitch.
Yeah.
But the guy who plays, George Costanza in Seinfeld.
And John Bacilon.
There's Iowa compared to New Jersey.
Fair enough.
Oh wow.
New Jersey's not very big.
John Bacilon's from New Jersey?
He is.
Fuck yeah, New Jersey.
Represent.
That makes sense.
True.
That and the Bears.
That and the Bears, yeah.
Plot twist.
John Bacilon was actually one of the Bears.
Interesting.
Just lost weight and shaved.
Did he die in Vietnam?
No, he died in Gima.
Oh, duh.
Who was I thinking of?
I've been watching The Pacific.
Yeah, man.
They make him way more handsome in the show than he is in real life.
It's kind of a thing.
I'm watching the show and this muscular shirtless man runs around mowing down Japanese evil.
I'm like, wow, what a cool guy.
I look him up in real life.
He's like a plump guy with a unibrow.
Who is this?
He's the best goddamn sniper that's ever existed on this earth.
This is somebody who's in the military?
No.
I'm thinking Carlos Hathcock.
Yeah, John Bacilon was the guy with machine gunners.
Whoops.
Who's the most decorated?
Boy, is my face red.
Most decorated veteran from World War II.
A technic, I think it was Audie Murphy.
Yes, Audie Murphy.
Yep, that's right.
But no one gives a shit about him because he wasn't Jesse Puller.
He wasn't what?
Jesse Puller.
In fact, isn't The Pacific, is that Tom Hanks, doesn't he direct it?
I think so.
There was a time when Audie Murphy had won every medal that you could win.
Yeah.
Which is pretty cool.
It would have been cool if he was a Marine though.
Then he became an actor.
Yeah.
They had to downplay the Civil War service medal.
They made a movie about his life and they had to downplay it because people watching
it were like, that didn't happen.
Okay.
Yeah, right.
Tom Hanks is the narrator of The Pacific.
Oh, is there a narrator in The Pacific?
Apparently, it's Tom Hanks.
You just said him at the very end, the end.
The beginning, The Pacific.
Maybe a good shout out.
What was his name?
Yeah.
Army Army?
Yeah.
I hate to say it.
Fucking loser.
Most decorated World War II veteran.
Still the most decorated dude pretty much ever.
Probably.
But yeah, end of the day, man.
Or it could be your great uncle that won a Silver Star in World War II.
What the fuck did Jonah do?
He's a ribbon chaser.
Fucking loser.
What were you saying?
I'm talking about your great uncle that won a Silver Star in World War II.
Bob?
Yes, Bob Norman.
Oh yeah.
Captain Bob Norman.
I'm talking about him.
He was on the USS Nevada and during Pearl Harbor, his buddy was up in the crow's nest
and had his leg blown off and he climbed up into the crow's nest, carried him down from
that and saved his life.
And it took 40 years for them to reward him a Silver Star.
The guy that he saved kept putting in for him to get one.
It was 40 years later?
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
Captain Bob Norman, he started out enlisted.
A Mustang officer.
And there he is.
At one time he was in charge of the Great Lakes Naval Training Station.
Oh really?
That's like their...
And the Panama Canal.
Yes.
In the 70s?
When he retired, he helped supply the canal.
No, when he retired he worked up for the Alaskan pipeline in charge of supplies, I think.
Unless Graham lied to me, he was in charge of the Panama Canal before we gave it back
to them.
He might have been.
I'm not going to look into it.
Who was that guy you killed in the picture?
He was also Captain of the USS Abbott.
Mr. Boat?
Yeah, he was in charge of it.
He was up for rear admiral and then somebody that was underneath him screwed up and messed
up his...
You hate to see it.
Classic military.
Right.
That...
I understand that's the most decorated service member of all time, but his uniform looked
awful.
Oh yeah, it looked like shit.
It was like metal down by his stomach.
Nobody's uniform looked good.
None of them fit very well.
That's not even true.
Chesty Pullard looked so good.
Chesty Pullard was a Marine.
He took care of his uniform.
Damn straight, brother.
Who is that?
That's him.
Audie Murphy.
Yep, there he is.
It looks awful.
Okay.
Look at that.
Look at that sloppery.
Wait, pull it back up.
Look at this dude right here.
Squared away.
Squared away devil dog right there.
Damn straight.
Hell yeah.
Huh?
Marine?
That's Chesty Pullard.
He's the Marine.
He's the guy.
The book, when they wrote it after him, they called it Marine.
Really?
Yeah.
That checks out.
Okay.
So I was incorrect.
Captain Robert Norman was awarded the Silver Star 57 years later.
Was it like the 90s?
Early 2000s?
You figure that the Pearl Harbor was in 1941, so 98.
Damn.
That's wild.
Yeah.
I was almost alive.
What month?
What's that?
What month?
December 7th, 1941.
No, no, no.
In 98.
Oh, I don't know.
Was it December 6th?
So it was a year later.
Was it December 6th?
7th.
Am I a bad American?
Yes.
Probably.
No.
I mean, I think it carried over.
He was burned during the rescue of a seriously injured shipmate while the ship was on fire
and sinking.
Summer 7th.
Man, I feel foolish now.
He received a Purple Heart, and then in 1998, the Clinton administration gave him the Silver
Star Medal.
Hell yeah.
Good for him, man.
Yeah.
Is he still alive?
No.
He passed away probably 10 years ago.
10, 15 years ago.
Yeah.
He used to go over to Hawaii for all the yearly celebrations.
That's pretty cool.
Commemorations of Pearl Harbor.
I don't think he was able to go to the last few.
No.
He wasn't.
He was real old.
Is that like a...
How do I say this?
Is that something that they enjoy, or is that horribly, horribly traumatic?
I don't know.
I don't know how that is for people.
He died at 93 in 2013, so it's been 10 years.
Interesting.
I know one of the things about modern versus World War II military is their units stayed
together for much longer back then, because they didn't split you up every three years.
After the campaigns in Europe and after World War II, they stayed over there and rebuilt
the communities.
They had significantly less mental issues, because now it's like, all right, you killed
all these people.
Something they attributed to a lot too was the boat rides back.
Really?
Because you weren't just in the shit and then back 12 hours later.
That's fair.
You had weeks with your guys to talk about it, hash it out, and they were all there.
True.
Now you're coming back and everybody's like, wow, you were over there?
We were not.
You are so cool and different from us.
Can I stress this enough?
You are different and weird.
Yeah, that's fair.
Yeah.
I think it was because of Eisenhower that they changed it to like COs change every couple
of years.
I know it was MacArthur, because he was in charge of whatever for like 12 years.
It was like, ah, he just did whatever he wanted.
There needed to be more checks and balances.
It's probably not necessarily a bad thing.
It just makes it hard for any continuity, but I think it's better than it could be.
Everybody knows the dude.
You just cannot wait to leave.
It's probably a good thing that he gets out of their quest.
Imagine if you were with Mark for like eight years.
Yeah, that's fair.
That wouldn't be a pleasant time for anyone.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, we've all had people we've worked with that we rather we didn't.
Young.
Imagine having Mark and Young together.
Yeah.
It's a good thing that we rotate.
Yeah, that would be terrible.
That would have been hell on earth.
That's a lot of people's experiences anyways.
So is it really making that much of a difference?
That's fair.
I feel like I've gotten pretty lucky with the leaders I've had.
Yeah, me too, actually.
Really lucky.
I think about my man, Messy, and he just went over there just to a shit store depressed.
I would go over to my guy.
I was like, hey, Donnie, how you doing, bud?
I'm like, hey, I'm doing great.
Then I see Messy's guy.
I'm like, where is that piece of shit?
I'm going to beat him.
Where the fuck is Messy?
I have to kill him right now.
I'm like, what did he do?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
I texted him three seconds ago.
He hasn't responded yet.
I'm like, oh, seems rational.
Here you go.
Why do you have that knife?
Don't worry about it.
I was like, you know what?
I don't really like that guy very much, so I will let you do as you please.
Yeah, that's fair.
Yeah, I've gotten pretty lucky and luck wears out, so I should probably just get out.
Yeah, get out where you can.
Run for your life.
Yeah.
18 months, baby.
What?
More like 12 with SkillBridge.
Oh, nice.
You SkillBridgin'?
That's pretty cool.
Hopefully.
The Marine Corps recently was like-
They peed all over it, didn't they?
Yeah, you guys can do six months now, but since we hate you and we don't want you to
have any sort of morale, we're going to change that to four months because fuck you.
What I really like is when they make a program and they're like, wait a minute, too many
people are using it.
It's got to go.
This is beneficial.
No more.
Yeah, classic.
I don't know, man.
It's like when your older brother sees you playing with a toy and he's like, you really
having a good time with that, aren't you?
Give it to me.
Sure would be a shame if someone were to-
Break it.
Take it from you.
Yeah.
Do you have a brother?
I have several younger siblings.
Did any of them ever make you do wall squats?
No, I'm significantly older and larger than all of my siblings.
I would have peed into oblivion.
Well, Jonathan can talk about that because his older brother, when he was babysitting
John and Ian, he made them do wall squats.
Yeah, Sean, if you're listening to this, I'd like you to know you're a jackass.
So, I'll put that out there.
I was like six, mind you.
I see no issues.
It was terrible.
So that's what we should do when we babysit.
Like can't do wall squats.
I mean, when she gets old enough, I'm going to do pushups and shit.
Interesting.
I don't think six is the age.
What?
I don't think six is the right age for that.
No, six is actually like the youngest you can start like jujitsu and martial arts and
stuff.
Build up your hamstrings and muscles.
I'll tell you what though, imagine you get somebody started when they're six.
Come 16, they're a fucking unit, dude.
I suppose, yeah.
Then that could go in the Air Force.
Sure.
She can do whatever she wants as long as like, you know.
PJ.
Yeah, wouldn't that be cool as shit?
I don't think I'd want my kid to be a special forces person.
Fairly worried.
I mean, like end of the day, they're all going to die.
Well, not me.
Except for you.
I do forget that sometimes.
Idiot.
My bad, dude.
Going to cryogenically freeze you.
No, I'm immortal.
Bring you back someday.
I'll never die.
Can't bring me back if I'm still here.
Did that say the A?
Oh, Japan.
Never mind.
I seen that.
I thought it said, did the Jews attack Pearl Harbor?
Wow.
That's...
Which is why everything on them...
The Jewish laborers in California.
These conspiracy theories are getting so out of hand.
Wow.
They control the weather.
They did Pearl Harbor.
Set the California fires.
Pearl Harbor is pretty widely regarded as the worst intelligence failure in US history.
I think.
Because they saw them all coming and they were like, huh, that's weird.
Yeah.
Like, ah, no, routine.
I'm sure they just figured it was their own...
They didn't know what it was.
They just...
They're like, that's fishy, but...
Shout time.
It was in the morning.
They knew about it a day before.
Oh, they did?
Yeah.
You ever heard that story that there were supposed to be four waves for Pearl Harbor,
but two pilots went out and killed off the entire second wave and they just assumed that
we'd rallied up an entire response force, but it was really just two guys?
Hell yeah.
So good for those guys.
I think they both died.
Yeah, probably.
Were they both aces?
Seems like it.
Well, yes.
Yeah.
But wave one went in.
These two guys flew out.
They killed the second wave and they were like, whoa, waves three and four don't waste
your time.
They clearly have a whole army at their hands.
Get back.
Are there any modern aces other than Tom Hanks?
I doubt it.
There's not a lot of area Tom had.
What'd you say?
This might be stupid, but what about Rob Riggle?
No.
No, no.
He was a PAO.
He was a pilot.
No, he was a public affairs officer.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
I knew he was like a pilot during Kosovo and there was air to air in Kosovo, wasn't there?
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know.
Tom Cruise is an ace.
They established that at the very end of the last Top Gun.
Yeah.
Well, you can't say it's the last one.
They could still make another.
That's true.
The most recent Top Gun, I should say.
He came out public affairs officer.
Oh, I thought he was a pilot.
No, he's a dork.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, intention of becoming an aviator.
Okay.
My bad, guys.
My bad.
Who's this guy?
Rob Riggle.
You think we could get him to be our dork for the podcast?
I don't think Tom Rob Riggle is a dorky guy.
Is he?
No, he's a middle aged white guy.
They are all dorks.
I bet you he has some banging cows on him though.
I know who he is now looking at.
General Richie.
We're probably never going to have another one.
What year is this?
Southeast Asia.
That's got to be NAMM, right?
Yep.
What's going on with that?
Neil Richie?
Getting ready to lose your electricity.
Seems like it.
Born in 1897.
Wow.
First World War.
Years of service 1914 to 1951.
So he's in the British Army.
Oh, doesn't count.
Find me a real one.
Oops.
What happened here?
There's some technical difficulties here.
I'm a dork.
So I need Ian.
We really do.
Is that what they're called?
Aces of Aces?
What does that even mean?
Why are they all French?
There's one.
There we go.
Paul Frank Bear.
Frederick Libby?
Well, is he?
Because it also has Royal Air Force.
They must have done.
They all have both.
The first American ace.
14 victories.
That's badass.
They're all saying they have an American flag.
Oh, there you go.
How about Eddie Rickenbacker?
There you go.
That's from World War II.
Yep.
No, World War I.
Well, yeah, keep on strolling.
Keep on strolling.
There you go.
World War II.
Keep going.
Oh, yeah.
There's one.
Richard Bong.
Bong.
Hell yeah.
40 kills.
Not impressed.
Oh, I think he's the, I think he's one of the guys.
One of the guys what?
One of the guys you just talked about.
40 down Japanese aircraft.
You kind of have to be him.
Quite likely.
26 confirmed down Japanese aircraft.
He didn't even get in till.
41.
Couldn't have been.
Well, what's this?
Over all years of service, man, he wasn't active then.
That's strange.
Open that up.
Open him up and see what it says.
We got to take a look at the Bong man.
The Bongster?
He looks like an actor.
He does not look like the type of guy who would be named Bong, you know?
I'm not sure what I expected, but not that stern, classically handsome gentleman.
Country's top flying ace in the war.
Oh damn, he died in World War II.
I think a lot of people did actually.
Yeah.
You hope that they live.
I thought it said 2020.
I was going to be like, damn, he was old.
Which country lost the most people in World War II?
Russia.
Yep.
They were literally just our cannon fodder.
Millions.
26.
Cuban, what's it say?
Robin Olds.
He's a triple ace.
I don't know who you're talking about, Donnie, because all these guys were not active for
Pearl Harbor.
42.
This guy would have been, but he's also Royal Air Force.
Well, 41 was when Pearl Harbor was.
Yeah.
And maybe he was just attached to them.
He could be.
Post-World War II.
One, two, three, one from Vietnam.
Submarine aces, what?
Oh, hell yeah.
That's a thing.
Aces of the deep.
That's badass.
Read the whole thing.
The heroes of Pearl Harbor were George Welsh and Kenneth Taylor.
Aces of the deep is the title accorded to the top subsea ace slash undersea ace slash
submarine ace of a nation submarine force during time of war.
What does that mean?
You shoot down other submarines or ships.
That's fucking kick ass.
That's terrifying.
Yeah.
They captured the whole.
Oh, it's a guy.
I'm saying a whole boat.
Bring out the whole ocean.
Tell them to bring out the whole ocean.
Tell them to bring out the lobster.
A lot of Nazis.
Yeah, they're they're pretty good at fighting right up till they weren't.
Yeah.
It's funny that Hitler was like obsessed with Napoleon.
He was like, you know, the thing that stopped Napoleon, it won't stop me.
And that it did.
Yeah.
Good old Russian winter.
Well, it wasn't even that important.
But, you know, we had Russian winter was a definite factor.
Big ones.
One of the big ones, you know, technically the thing that got Hitler was Hitler.
So this is true.
This is true.
What a dork.
Could he be that bad of a guy, though?
I mean, he literally killed Hitler.
That is true.
Like you got a one one KD ratio.
I think it's a lot higher than one big dog.
No.
What is it?
Six million to one.
Arguably one of the highest.
Yeah.
Like terrible.
Was he a bad guy?
Yes.
Did he?
Did he kill the baddest guy?
Yes.
You make good points.
He actually gave his own life to kill the baddest guy, which is quite heroic.
You think about it.
So you're saying is a good guy.
I'm just saying maybe we should reassess our standpoint.
I think we should.
I don't think so.
It was pretty shitty.
I was like the guy from Guardians of the Galaxy when he like kills himself to save Peter Quill.
Like he was still a shitty guy.
Well, yeah, but like even though he did one good thing.
Yeah.
It's like the Catholic Church.
I think we've talked about how apparently if you die a martyr, you're automatically a saint.
That's very, very interesting.
Like if I decided I was Catholic right now and I went up to a crackhead, I'm fucking Catholic and I love it.
And they shot me.
Saint me.
Patron saint of fools.
Patron saint of dorks.
With your luck, you would become patron saint of podcast hosts.
Hell yeah, brother.
What a legacy.
There's worse things.
What would you be patron saint of?
Lanky guys.
Bad self mirror tattoos.
There's a lot of saints.
Isn't like a saint of radio operators.
Probably.
Let's rattle off some cool saints here.
I used to be a ten thousand.
I used to be romantically involved with a woman who became a nun.
Interesting.
Yeah.
That seems like a conflict of interest.
I don't know about becoming a nun.
I don't know how that works.
So maybe it's not.
I also don't know anything about it.
Joan of Arc.
Why didn't they kill her?
Didn't the church kill Joan of Arc?
That's kind of like a I feel like if the church kills you and then later on.
Yeah, that's probably the best thing you can do.
All right.
Ten most bizarre patron saints.
That's a lot of them.
That's more than ten.
Patron saint of impossible.
Okay.
I'm getting a little thing of her.
Work in a miracle is one of the requirements to become a saint.
Right.
So like I feel like patron saint of impossible feats is kind of just like a giving.
Kind of redundant.
Patron saint of murderer turned saint.
Horrible.
Okay.
Is he just patron saint of murderers or how does what's he the same?
I don't think it said what he's the same.
How does that work?
So you tell me the patron saint of murderers is also the patron saint of hunters and hospitality and travelers.
What the hell is a ferryman?
They're the guys who like like operate ferries.
Yeah.
All right.
Park here.
No, no.
Like we're going to go across this little river.
You know what?
You know what a gondolier is?
The little boat.
Yeah.
Those guys are ferrymen.
Fucking dork.
Yeah, I agree.
That's kind of lame.
But he was a murderer, which is metal.
Lidwina, the ice skater.
That's stupid.
What's he the saint of?
That's a song.
Is it?
Yeah.
The only thing I can think of is the Elmo with fire behind him.
The meme.
Yeah.
Interesting.
What's he the saint of?
Elmo?
Yeah.
Is it fire?
Probably.
Lame.
Saint of stomach aches, stomach ailments and labor pains.
Okay.
But like actually though, if he is the patron saint of tummy aches, that's badass.
It was like that dude went through a lot.
You know, there's in the song, St. Elmo's fire, it says I can feel St. Elmo's fire burning
in me.
Now that I know this, it's just a really bad stomach ache.
Stomach ache.
Man, I have IBS.
No, brother.
Wow.
You have St. Elmo's fire.
Oh.
That does look like a bad headache.
Good heavens.
What is St. Dennis the Saint of?
Give me something.
Is it Dennis or Denis?
Patron saint of headaches.
Good for him.
A beard from God.
Is that a woman?
This guy's name is Wiggle Fortis.
Can that be my nickname you give me next month?
I got you.
Wiggle Fortis.
What's he the Saint of?
Facial hair and gender fluid people.
Wow.
The Catholic Church is really ahead of their time on that one.
Good for them.
The marketing.
What is St. Bernardino?
Isn't that a town?
San Bernardino.
San is Saint.
Is it?
I don't fucking know.
San Francisco.
Wow.
That's what they're named after.
A very Catholic place.
Or when they were founded, it was Catholic stuff.
Patron saint of marketing, communications, and public relations.
Why did they make him that in the 1500s?
You know, this guy is going to be in charge of?
HR.
HR and 23 year olds wearing suits trying to convince people there's something they're
not.
They're going to love him.
Rare, medium.
Is this guy the Saint of like grills?
Stakes.
St. of cooks, chefs, and comedians.
Interesting.
Patron saint of Trigger.
Open wide.
What?
Where is she going with this?
This could be really dumb or really bad.
Patron saint of toothaches and dentists, who all is assuming the role of the tooth fairy
in some parts of Italy.
That's terrifying.
Remember, Gazpacho, if you're especially good tonight, a corpse will come and dig out your
teeth.
Give you a penny.
Okay, bye bye.
St. Isidore of Seville.
Patron saint of computers.
What?
Huh?
How did this happen?
Tell me more.
Is there just a list?
Is there like a queue of people needing, needing sainthood?
They need a thing.
You can't be a saint until you get a thing.
And they're like, guys, big news, cell phones are out.
That guy right there, give them cell phones.
Cell phones.
Is there a patron saint of cell phones?
I don't fucking know, man.
I'm not a Catholic.
I want funny ones.
I want something that's silly.
What are you expecting, man?
I don't know.
Patron saint of silly guys.
I guess there was the comedy.
Damn.
Is it Irias, Saint Fidel, patron saint of just goofy little fellows?
Patron saint of silliness.
Okay, I want to go to bed.
Do you want to wrap this up?
Yeah, let's get it.
Dad, you haven't said anything in like five minutes.
Thanks for coming.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Happy to be here.
All right.
Thanks, guys.
Bye.
Thanks.