You're listening to the Cryptid News Network
with your anchors, Dave and Sarge the Destroyer.
Good evening, anyone. Couldn't even get through
it. Just Sarge, please. Sarge the Destroyer was
my father. Yeah, for today, Sarge, we're going
to be the Cryptid News Network. Like I said,
I had a pretty busy... I didn't say it yet on
the show, but I said it to you. It's been pretty
busy the past week or so with like shirts and
stuff like that. So I didn't get a chance to
like really sit down and do an episode. But luckily
for us, Sarge, there's been a bunch of weird
shit happening lately. Oh, shit. Yes, there is.
Yeah. So I figured we would do like a little
I'm going to call this episode CNN Cryptid News
Network. And we're just going to go over some
news stories. But before we dive into all that,
let me just do a real actual intro. Hey, everyone.
Welcome to Crypto Cocktail Party, a show where
we have a few drinks, share a few laughs, take
a dive into the unknown. I am your host, Dave,
joined as always by my wonderful second host,
Sarge the Destroyer. I don't want to call you
co -host anymore. I feel like co -host doesn't
give you the recognition you deserve. I am your
also host. Yeah, you're my also host. Hey, everyone.
How you doing, bud? I was doing well until I
found out I fucked up the episode before this
by leaving a minute and a half of silence in
there. Minute and a half might be a little, I
might have. Yeah, it was still a long time though.
I was channeling Depeche Mode apparently. Enjoy
the silence. I will fix it so that you can actually
listen to it if you skipped. There was a moment
where I panicked listening. I was like, oh no,
he forgot to like. put the episode after the
intro I don't know what the fuck happened I mean
it took me a long time because I was like cutting
out a bunch of bullshit that I put in there so
not that I put in there but I was like a lot
of vocal tics and annoying things and so it took
me about four hours I feel like to edit which
is why you don't record at 8 o 'clock at night
because I didn't finish until well after midnight
I got your text When I woke up the next morning,
it was like 1245. And you're like, well, it's
all done and up. I'm like, all right, cool, man.
Yeah. Yeah. It was a little rough. And that's
what happens when you use your hyper fixation
to do a podcast episode. I mean, isn't that what
all, I mean, not all podcasts, most of them are
just about hitting women, but a good majority
of podcasts, I feel like are just people going
on for hours about their hyper fixation. yes
yes i wouldn't say this what this one is but
it's close to it i feel like it's close yeah
i like weird so this is right up my alley but
i also have other interests okay cryptas aren't
just who i am personality wise no no but you're
doing good i'm glad you're doing good i'm doing
great how are you doing you must be exhausted
packing up all those t -shirts i'm wearing mine
yeah they came out really good i mean i guess
so i'm very happy with mine uh the company we
used uh lehigh valley apparel company or something
like that i forget what yeah it's lehigh valley
apparel uh they did an awesome job they're a
local business i've gone through them obviously
why not uh but yeah so far as far as i know everyone
most all of them have been delivered and no one
has had a problem with him yet so It's awesome.
And we were able to raise $2 ,917 for the Defending
Our Neighbors Fund, which is fucking wild. Absolutely
incredible. So thank you to everyone who ordered
a t -shirt. Thank you to everyone who put 10
toes down and wanted to put their names on the
shirt because without them, it also could have
been possible. But yeah, it's awesome. Thank
you so much, everyone. Sarge. What's up? You
ready to get in some fucking news, dude? Yes.
Hell yeah. Some of these are just like random
shit that I came across. Others are not, but
we got to get back into the, we got to get back
into the news, the news mindset. Agreed. All
right. Might be hard for us. What were you saying?
I was going to say it might be hard for us because
we don't have a corporate, corporate overlord
telling us to slob the president's knob the entire
time. Oh, we can work that in somewhere. Okay.
FCC, go fuck yourself. In Northeast Ohio, a series
of reported Bigfoot sightings has drawn sustained
attention from residents and local authorities
after multiple individuals in Portage County
described encounters with a large, unidentified
figure moving through the wooded and semi -rural
areas. First reports began around... Fuck. I'm
going to stop doing the news thing. I really
wanted to. I tried. It's not going to happen.
I'm Ron Burgundy. Yeah, pretty much. Sorry. So
in Northeast Ohio, a series of reported Bigfoot
sightings has drawn sustained attention from
residents and local authorities after multiple
individuals in Portage County described encounters
with a large, unidentified figure moving through
the wooded and the semi -rural areas. The first
reports began appearing in early March 2026,
and they were initially posted in local community
forums, I'm assuming like next door. because
where else would you post something like that
um and then what started as like a single account
it pretty much it gained traction pretty quickly
as additional residents came forward describing
similar experiences within just like a couple
of days and then by midweek there was at least
around 10 separate sightings that had been documented
across like the same general region uh witnesses
descriptions They're pretty consistent. Individuals
report seeing a tall, upright figure. It's estimated
to stand anywhere between 7 and 10 feet tall,
covered in dark hair, and moving quickly through
the woods. It's Bigfoot, so it's always at the
very edge of visibility. Right, right, of course.
Several witnesses emphasized the speed of the
figure, with one stating that it, quote, cleared
the tree line faster than anything that size
should be able to, end quote. And then in multiple
accounts, there was the presence of a strong
odor either immediately before or during the
sighting. Descriptions of the smell vary slightly,
but commonly included comparisons to rotting
garbage, decaying organic material or a wet animal.
Some residents reported noticing the smell before
seeing anything, which I feel like is kind of
like that standard Bigfoot. Yeah, kind of right.
Yeah, you always smell it before you see it.
The name of my erotic novel. We're going back
to that now. All right. No, you had a better
one. What was it? No, I thought that was it.
I thought there was. Wasn't it? I thought there
was another one. I don't remember now. Name of
my erotic celebrity fan fiction. There we go.
Reports have been concentrated in areas where
wooded land meets like residential areas. It's
like walking trails, backyards, roadside tree
lines. And then several individuals stated that
the encounters occurred during early morning
or evening hours when the visibility is reduced,
but activity in the area is like pretty high.
You're like your morning commute and then your
commute home. Local law enforcement confirmed
that they had received multiple calls recording
the sightings. The Portage County Sheriff's Office
acknowledged the situation publicly, stating,
quote, we have received calls recording regarding
a possible Bigfoot sighting, end quote. And then
shortly after acknowledging the reports, the
department posted a series of tongue -in -cheek
updates on social media, including one stating
that Bigfoot had been, quote, located, questioned,
and released. And another... It turned out it
was just the cast of the Drew Carey show. Yeah,
and another indicated that the creature was no
longer in custody. So, I mean, that's good. You
know, it's profiling at this point. This is my
kind of story. It's all dark and hairy, just
the way I like them. Name of my erotic novel.
Boom. All right. Now, despite the volume of reports,
There is no physical evidence, footprints, photographs
or video. Nothing like that has ever been has
been like officially verified. Authorities have
not announced any formal investigation beyond
responding to like those initial calls. And at
this time, sightings continue to be discussed
within the community with residents remaining
alert and additional reports still circulating
online. So that's that's our first story is the
Ohio Bigfoot flap. I guess you want to call it.
I don't know what you. But, you know, have you
heard? Did you hear about this at all? I did
hear about it. I don't believe it because Bigfoot's
not real. So, I mean, but also, oh, you weren't
on that episode. Me and Brennan Storr from the
Ghost Story guys, when he came on, when you were
in Puerto Rico, we did Bigfoot just so I could
get this fuck over with. Just be like, we did
it. All right. But there is an Ohio version of
it called the Ohio Grassman. And I don't know
if this is different, like if Bigfoot is different
than the Ohio Grassman, because the Ohio Grassman
is just a Bigfoot from Ohio. It sounds like a
1960s drug dealer. The Ohio Grassman? I mean,
yeah. Wearing a Bears jersey, just shelling out
dime bags. A Bears jersey? That's Chicago. Yeah,
but no one wants to admit they're a Browns fan.
And the Bengals haven't been relevant in decades.
I'm pretty sure our good friends over in Believing
the Bizarre would beg to differ about that. No,
I just completely fucked up. I mixed up the Cleveland
Browns with the Chicago Bears. That's fine. My
theory, this Bigfoot sighting, it's just Tyler
and Charlie on each other's shoulders. Wearing
like a furry ghillie suit kind of thing. That
could be what it is. Are we sure Bigfoot isn't
just two podcasters wearing a trench coat? At
this point, you're probably fucking this, dude.
All right, you ready to move on to our next story?
So this one's kind of cool. This one, I didn't
even know. I literally just found this today.
So across the United States, a newly circulated
report attempting to quantify the likelihood
of alien abductions. has generated widespread
attention after presenting what it calls, quote,
alien abduction odds index. So this is like your
odds of being abducted. The report compiles more
than 150 ,000 UFO sightings collected over time,
drawing from databases such as the National UFO
Reporting Center, and combines that information
with population data and reporting patterns.
The goal... According to the researchers is to
identify geographic trends and how often abduction
style encounters are reported. And then rather
than focusing on like solely on like sightings
of unidentified objects, the analysis specifically
examines reports that include details commonly
associated with like abduction claims. These
include descriptions of missing time, physical
interaction with non -human entities, recurring
encounters, and unexplained after effects. Researchers
behind the report emphasized that the findings
are not predictive in nature, which is good.
They just said that, quote, the implied probability
is not a prediction. So don't worry about it.
It's just a probability. You're probably going
to be able to bet on it on Polymarket soon, so
that's kind of cool. Instead, the rankings reflect
how frequently these types of reports appear
relative to population size and reporting density.
In the northeastern United States, where we happen
to be, several states stand out prominently.
New Hampshire ranks highest overall with approximately
24 .34 reported sightings per 100 ,000 residents,
making it the most statistically active state
in the data set. Massachusetts, while not ranked
at the very top in this index, it does hold significance
due to its history of large -scale sighting events.
There's pretty consistent reports coming out
from Massachusetts. Pennsylvania remains among
the states with the highest total volume of UFO
sightings nationwide, placing it within a broader
regional cluster of activity that includes all
the neighboring states. Okay. Researchers noted
that geographic patterns appear to repeat across
data set stating, quote, the same state keeps
showing up, which is New Hampshire. The report
also assigns estimated statistical odds of the
likelihood of being abduction based on. reported
frequency in some reason region these odds fall
within the range of one in several thousand though
the researchers reiterate that these figures
are derived entirely from reported experiences
rather than confirmed incidents and now obviously
while the methodology has not been formally validated
by the scientific community the report would
be tough to do yeah the report has been widely
shared and discussed contributing to like a broader
trend of analyzing paranormal claims Through
these like kind of frameworks that they're using.
At this time, no official organization recognizes
these rankings as evidence of actual abduction
risk. However, the framing of such claims in
like quantitative terms has added a new dimension
to how these reports are being interpreted and
discussed. I believe New York. Let me find it
real quick. I think New York was like crazy high
on the list. That wouldn't surprise me all that
much because New York's got a lot of open space.
Like everybody thinks of New York as just New
York City, but upstate New York is insane how
vast it is. Yeah. New York ranks among the top
three states in the country. Jesus. Yeah. So
basically it's New Hampshire, New York, and then
who the fuck knows? I don't see it on here, but
yeah. West Virginia or something. I think it's
fun that someone took the time to do all this.
I think it's awesome. Yeah, right. It's really
awesome. That's a lot. And it keeps it's very
in line with like how I feel about New Hampshire.
I was on threads the other day and somebody was
like, yeah, New Hampshire is New England's cool
uncle. And I was like, or it's the uncle that
gives you a bunch of beer when you're 16 and
starts talking to you about chemtrails. You know
what I mean? Yeah. Like that's the vibe New Hampshire
gives off. That is for sure a New Hampshire vibe.
I've ever heard one before. Like the government's
trying to take your guns, but also aliens are
going to take you. I'll, I'll try and find like
an update on this. Cause like I said, I didn't
like, I didn't go through state by state. Right.
So I'll try to find out where like where New
Hampshire, where Massachusetts actually sits
on it. Cause I don't know if they did all 50.
I think they might've just been like, these are
the top. And then everything else is just kind
of like by region of the country instead of like
by states individually. But yeah. So if you live
in New Hampshire. I found a weird database a
long time ago. that had alien UFO sightings.
And the neighborhood that I live in actually
showed up a number of times, more times than
I felt comfortable with, given that this is a
national database. You know, it's just one person.
It could be. It could be. There's a big park
near my house and multiple sightings. happen
in this park of UFO activity. Just the UFOs.
No reported abductions in this town. I guess
we're like a flyover area when they're going
up to New Hampshire to collect. Massachusetts
is the Midwest of... But so basically they go
from New York and then Massachusetts is the flyover
state as it gets to. Got it. Got it. Got it.
Exactly. I mean, that makes sense. I get it.
Yeah. Plus Massachusetts. Yeah. Depending on
how you look at it, it's kind of like a runway.
They probably just go straight across the middle,
like just straight down. Exactly. I like it.
I like that theory a lot. I guess my aunt on
my dad's side had not an abduction situation,
but her car was followed by a UFO. Okay. She
reported that the car completely died and the
UFO flew over. I feel like that's super common
in UFO. Yes. Either your battery dies or everything
just starts going haywire inside. Your electronics
get all fucked up. I can't remember exactly where
my father said she was, but I feel like she was
actually driving in New Hampshire. Goddamn, dude.
My state is a nightmare, dude. I love New Hampshire.
It's one of my favorite places to go, but I wouldn't
want to live there because I'm going to get abducted.
See, what's weird is that I grew up in New Hampshire,
obviously. I was there for 30 plus years. I never
had, I never saw you, dude. I've never even seen
a fucking shooting star. All right. Let alone
a UFO. You've never seen a shooting star. I know
my life isn't filled with whimsy. Okay. It sucks.
Okay. All right. But I live like 20 miles outside
of Boston. I see him all the time. Yeah. I haven't
seen it. It's probably just space trash. Now
that I think about it. Yeah. You're probably
just seeing parts of fucking SpaceX rockets.
but no like i i've never had a i've never seen
a ufo like my buddy justin uh co -host of the
cool parents podcast he's seen like you mean
like he has a really cool one i'm not gonna share
it because it's not my story to share but like
every i mean i know a few people who've had one
i'm like what the fuck man like you guys aren't
even that really into it why why i think you
know what it is heartbreaking it's just like
how henry zabrowski always says he's never it's
because i want it too bad It's the same reason
why I've never seen a ghost. It's because I want
it too bad. You want it too bad, yeah. You're
not going to see it. Yeah, it sucks. It's a bummer,
man. I thought I saw one in Iraq, but I'm pretty
confident it was just a drone. A ghost or a UFO?
No, I thought I saw a UFO, but I'm pretty sure
it was just a drone. Probably. I was also sleep
-deprived at that point. When you were there,
were drones what they are now? No, I mean, they
weren't as advanced as they are now, but we had
drones. We had like, you know, we had something
called a Scan Eagle. It was like a little airplane.
Oh, yeah. No, you know what we did? I remember
now because Obama kept blowing up weddings. I
remember that. Yeah, we had those and they all
looked like little airplanes. I don't think we
had like the quadcopter ones. all the ones that
i saw were like they're called like ravens or
scan eagles they're little little tiny drones
and then of course we had the predators and all
that big shit i feel like the quad ones are those
are like the ones where like you see like footage
from them and it's like they'll fly into a house
and they'll look like a terrorist right in the
face then fucking explode i'm like that's the
most terrifying dude like that is not cool like
that's Too much. It's too much. Because when
you see that, you're like, oh, fuck. You know
it's coming. You see the look of terror on their
face, and you're like, I don't like this. No,
dude. I don't want this at all. Yeah, because
what are you going to do? It's like stepping
on a landmine. Once you hear that click, you're
like, well, it's over. It's either I'm dead or
half my body's gone, and I'm walking on my hands
from now on. Exactly. I'm not trying to deal
with that. Yeah, so anyways, UFOs, they might
abduct you. Look out for betting odds on Polymarket
soon. Our next story, a controversial claim suggesting
that extraterrestrial influence may be present
within human DNA has gained renewed traction
online following the circulation of a research
theory proposing that certain genetic sequences
may have been artificially introduced. It's the
fucking vaccines, dude. Come on. It's the vaccines.
It's the vaccines. Go ahead. Jesus. The claim
focuses on the observation that some traits and
genetic markers do not always follow expected
patterns of inheritance. According to these,
sorry, according to those promoting the theory.
These irregularities raise questions about how
specific sequences originated, leading to the
suggestion that external intervention may have
played a role. I already don't like this. I'm
going to stop for a second because it reminds
me too much of ancient aliens. And I fucking
hate ancient aliens because it just whitewashes.
Yep. It does. These primitives are too stupid
to make a pyramid. Yeah, I hate it so much. Again,
this is just news in the world that we live in.
I don't mean like the world. Well, obviously
it's in our world, but I mean like the paranormal
world. Nobody tell RFK this or he's going to
start building different kinds of camps. The
researchers argue that certain genetic features
appear without a clearly traceable lineage, prompting
speculation that these sequences could have been
inserted at some point in human development.
The theory frames that these anomalies as potential
evidence of deliberate modification by non -human
intelligence. Despite the attention it has received,
this research, again, has not undergone peer
review and no major scientific institution has
endorsed it or corroborated any of it. Genetic
experts have noted that variations in DNA expression,
mutation, and recombination are well -established
phenomena that can account for unexpected traits
obviously without extraterrestrial influence.
But again, Anytime something like this happens,
it's always spread online frequently. Oh, of
course. Yeah, of course. There is nothing the
media likes more than to read like a footnote
in a research paper and turn it into an entire
article. Well, you're bold assumption that I
got any of this from mainstream media. That just
means it's way worse. They don't have to fact
check shit. Every website you checked was probably
like green font and a black background. Yeah,
dude. And trying to read that after drinking
a bunch of fucking soju. Nice. Yeah. We went
to a Japanese place for brunch. It's fucking
delicious, dude. I'm jealous. I don't have a
lot of good brunch places near me, buddy. All
right. So anyways, back to this bullshit story.
The idea that extraterrestrial beings may have
influenced human evolution has been presented
in various forms for. A long fucking time. However,
the framing of the concept in terms of modern
genetic research has allowed it to reach new
audiences and reenter the public conversation
in a different context. Not really, though. It's
the same context. It's just now that we live
in a world where this could be possible, but
more so human internet. What was that thing?
I don't want to say blue sky. Where you could
just change the DNA of your baby. You know what
I'm talking about? You want blue -eyed babies?
We'll give you blue -eyed babies. What was that?
CRISPR? Was it CRISPR? CRISPR, yep. Gene editing.
Yeah. Dude, the fact that you could just do that.
Not okay. I mean, here's the thing. Sure, I would
have liked to have been taller, but I'm not comfortable
because what did you do? to my dna that i don't
know about because like the way i looked at it
is like but also this is like they did this shit
like in their fucking garage dude like this wasn't
like yeah like it wasn't like a lab like these
motherfuckers were just doing this yeah but i'm
saying like if you change one piece of the dna
will that have a cascade effect like if they
make you taller is it also gonna make like one
toe extremely long like what about the hog dude
can i get like what if i want to be hogged out
But the thing is, if they make that longer, would
your nipples also be longer? You don't know.
That's true. And I feel like we're not there
yet where we can start seeing the effects of
it. Right. This is a take time operation, I feel
like. It's going to be another X -Men situation,
I think. Yeah. Like mutants will be walking among
us. They'll be like blue eyed and gorgeous, but
they'll have like 47 toes on one leg. I mean,
if. That's like a hard price to pay for blue
eyes is all I'm saying. Yeah, but all I'm saying
is that if they're smoking hot and gorgeous and
they have 47 toes, that's an only fair thing
to happen. That's a foot finder career if I ever
heard one. Quentin Tarantino found his next muse.
Oh, shit. All right. Yeah, so this is the last
bit of the story and then we'll move on. At present.
Obviously, there is no verified evidence supporting
the claim that non -human entities have altered
human DNA. The theory remains unconfirmed, but
continues to circulate due to its ability to
reinterpret familiar biological concepts in a
speculative framework. This story comes around
once every, like, three years, so it's not anything
new. If there are aliens here on Earth, it's
octopi. Octopus? Octopi? Octopods. Dude, anything
that's fucking... like in that like midnight
zone where everything is fucking like that's
all alien to me anglerfish yeah i hate it all
of it there's that fucking the 10 guild 8 guild
shark or whatever the fuck that eats once a year
when a whale fucking hits the bottom yeah they
just hang out that's not normal that's i hate
it all yeah i hate it all yeah okay we want to
move on to something fun yeah there's more conspiracy
than anything And I kind of dig it. Recent activity
involving the registration of government web
domains has drawn attention after it was confirmed
that federal agencies secured the addresses alien
.gov and aliens .gov. Jesus fucking Christ. What?
What does that bum you out? That's fun. No, I,
you know what it is? It's those fucking doge
idiots. The ones that like didn't get laid off.
They're still hanging around, just buying up
shit and doing dumb stuff. Well, they did say
that, well, I mean, they said it, but they were
like, we're going to release alien stuff. Maybe
this. And they did not. Yes. All right. Have
faith, Sarge. All right. This administration
does not lead us astray ever. Right. That's why
I paid $3 .99 for gas today. It's $4 .45. Jesus
Christ. It's not great. The cheapest I found
up here is $3 .75. Now remember, it's $4 .45
if you're paying cash. It's $4 .55. Why did I
go to Iraq? I thought we were supposed to have
cheap gas prices after that. Dude, we took over
Venezuela. This should be cheap. We stole a country.
Why is my fucking gas so expensive, dude? Boots
on the ground. Boots on the ground. Boots on
the ground. The registration was identified through
publicly accessible domain tracking records and
quickly gained traction online. The discovery
comes at a time of heightened public interest
in unidentified aerial phenomenon as well as
ongoing discussions regarding the release of
previous classified government materials related
to UFO sightings. We're never going to see that.
Nope. At this time, no official statement has
been issued explaining the purposes of the domains.
There's been no announcement of a corresponding
website, no indication of when or if the domains
will be used. Also, that kind of sucks. I guess
you can't buy a .gov name unless you're the government,
right? What if I wanted to buy alien .gov? Could
I do that? I don't think so. I don't think you
can buy a .gov unless you're the gov. That sucks.
All right. There's been no clarification regarding
which agency initiated the registrations. Government.
This government domain registration is a common
practice, often used to reserve names for potential
future use or to prevent unauthorized parties
from acquiring. Oh, so yeah, I could have. Fuck.
Dude, I should have. You know how much money
could have paid me for that shit? However, the
specific terminology used in these registrations
has contributed to increased public curiosity,
particularly given the timing. The registrations
coincided with continued efforts by various government
bodies to address public interest in UFO related
topics, including hearings, reports and statements
acknowledging the existence of unexplained aerial
encounters. While there is no confirmed connection
between the domain registration and any like
forthcoming disclosures, the overlap in timing
has led to increased attention and speculation.
So for now, they're just two inactive dormant
domains. And then no one knows what they're going
to be used for, but you're right. It probably
is. It could be weird. It could be weird. It
could be weird, but it could also just be like
you said, like it's just fucking just people
fueling. Like Alex Jones is probably going to
fucking talk about this, that they did it. You
know what I mean? Oh yeah. No, Alex Jones probably
came twice. Just, just with us reading that he
was remote viewing our podcast. I don't know
if he's... Is that one of the things he did?
Oh, yeah. He's into it. He believes it. I believe
that. I got two more stories for you, Sarge.
All right, let's go. In Varzinia, renewed attention
has been focused on one of the country's most
widely recognized UFO cases as 2026 marks the
30th anniversary of the incident commonly referred
to as... the Virginia alien. The case originated
in January of 1996 when multiple witnesses reported
seeing a strange creature in the city. Among
the most widely cited accounts are those of three
young women who described encountering a small
humanoid being with brown, oily skin, large red
eyes, and an unusual posture. In the days following
the initial sighting, Additional reports emerged,
including claims that military personnel were
present in the area and had recovered the creature.
These claims were never officially confirmed,
but became central to the narrative surrounding
the event. The incident quickly gained national
attention in Brazil and has remained a significant
part of the country's UFO related history. Over
time, the story has been revisited through media
coverage, documentaries and public discussion.
And in 2026, new projects examining the case
have brought renewed focus to both the original
witness accounts and the subsequent reports.
from the government that was involved. These
recent explorations have revisited the timeline
of events, the consistency of witness descriptions,
and the way the story developed in the years
following the incident. So yeah, so they're celebrating
the 30th anniversary of a little brown oily guy
running around. I will say, you're in Brazil.
There's a small man with red eyes, with brown
oily skin. Sounds like someone's just having
a good time, dude. Just a sunburnt white dude.
Yeah, he might have just used a little bit too
much tanning oil. Yeah, yeah. I like that. That's
fun. You want to see more guys, more brown guys
with oily skin go to Revere Beach every summer?
This is true. They don't even sit in the sand.
They sit in the sidewalk in a lawn chair. Oh,
that's fucking awful. You want to go get a roast
beef, kid? I will say this story is pretty cool.
We should probably do a full episode on it. We
should. At some point. I want to know more about
this. It's good. All right. Are you ready for
the top story? This is our top story. The top
of the hour. This is our top story. What do we
got? A viral story originating online has captured
widespread attention after claiming that a man
in Florida was found by authorities in a distressed
condition and told officers he had been abducted
by dolphins and forced to assist in the construction
of an underwater city. Aquaman was unavailable.
According to the circulating account, the individual
was discovered soaking wet and disoriented, allegedly
describing an experience in which he had been
taken into the ocean and made to work on a large
-scale underwater structure. The story claimed
that the dolphins communicated with him and directed
the construction effort. As the story spread
across social media platforms, additional details
began to appear in different versions. Some include
references to a hierarchical structure among
the dolphins, while others described elements
such as telepathic communication and organized
coordination. The dolphin's name was Gerald,
by the way, I believe. Gerald? I think that's
what it was. Yeah, pretty fun. The format of
the original post, which resembled a formal incident
report, contributed to its rapid spread. Many
readers initially interpreted the story as legitimate,
particularly given that it's a Florida man story.
Yeah. But local law enforcement agencies later
addressed the claim directly, confirming that
no such incident had occurred. Officials stated
that there was no record of any arrest or report
matching the description. That's what they want
you to think. They're in the pocket of Big Dolphin.
That's what I that's my suggestion. In response
to the viral story, authorities also issued some
pretty funny remarks referencing the idea of
an investigative unit focused on underwater activity.
But yeah, this story is not real, but it was
going around TikTok for the longest time, but
I thought it was too fucking funny. Oh, it makes
me so sad. Yeah, it's been fully debunked. I
was really hoping it was real. I want to hear
this guy tell his story. Yeah, it was fully debunked,
but it's one of those things where it... It's
like the Miami mall thing where like it just
kind of blew up. I don't, no one took it seriously.
I don't obviously, but yeah, it's just funny
to imagine that you're in the water. You get
kidnapped by a dolphin named Gerald. And then
how do you breathe though? See, I don't know.
I think it probably, maybe I think he had like,
maybe like a, what are those? What was that video
game where you get a bubble and it's over your
head? Oh, okay. Maybe something like that. Or
maybe it was like a Sandy Cheeks from SpongeBob.
He just had an upside down fishbowl on his head.
I don't know. But yeah, obviously at this time
no evidence exists to support the claim and remains
an example of how quickly fabricated narratives
gain traction and develop into widely believed
stories. I love how dolphins were capable to
design and build a large... structure. They needed
the guy for what? To use the pliers because they
don't have thumbs? It's probably a thumbs situation.
That's clearly what it is. That's all I got.
That's all for the first three months of the
year. This is some of the news stories I found.
I thought they were pretty funny. Frankly, this
is the only news that matters. I know. I feel
like we should do this once a month. I think
we need it. yeah if anything if anything fun
I mean because most I feel like most most cryptid
stories like news is like someone saw a thing
once yeah I'm not trying to report on that we
might need to do this like once a quarter that
way we can make sure that we have good stories
yeah not just guy in Florida does a shitload
of meth and then marries an alligator yeah once
every three months once every four months We'll
figure it out. It'll be fun. What'd you think?
Any of these your favorite? You got a top story,
but I feel like the Dolphin one doesn't count.
I have to say the fact that New Hampshire has
the largest amount of UFO sightings is not only
exciting, but the least surprising bit of information
I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, it's pretty,
I feel like it makes sense. Yeah, and if anyone
has ever driven through rural New Hampshire,
you know exactly why this is unsurprising. Yeah,
go to any of the notches. You got Franconia notch.
Crawford notch. Yeah, if you go to any of the
notches, you'll understand. It's definitely eerie
at night anyways. It has a vibe where you're
like, I could get abducted out here. It is. You
know, I was actually just explaining this to
somebody who's not from here. There is something
about the wilderness in New Hampshire that is
just fucking terrifying. It's not great. I've
never felt that anywhere else in New England
or like I spent time, you know, in Missouri and
I spent some time in the woods. I've camped in
a lot of places, but I have never been as pants
shittingly uncomfortable as I've been in certain
areas of the wilderness in New Hampshire. Yeah.
And it's crazy, too, because I used to get drunk
in it a lot. Yeah, that's not a good idea. Just
find an access road somewhere in the woods. Just
drive down there as far as you can go. Then walk.
Then you just camp. Get hammered. Right. I mean,
that's literally just camping for me. Yeah, I'm
surprised I didn't get murdered more often. Or
abducted by aliens. I say murdered more often.
No, you should have been abducted by aliens.
One of the two. It's either going to be a Deliverance
-style thing or it's going to be abducted by
aliens. Who knows? That's the episode. I loved
it. I think it was a lot of fun. Some of these
stories are crazy. If people out there, if listeners
out there get weird news stories that you come
across, send them to us. I feel like the Cryptid
News Network could be a recurring thing. If we
find the right stuff. I'm not just going to...
I'm not going to force it. How's that? We're
not going to take a story from any Tom, Dick,
and Harry. This needs to be a legitimate green
text on black background news story. I'll take
a story from anything. What I'm saying is that
if I don't have enough to do a full episode every
few months, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going
to force it. I'm not going to half -ass something
the way I did this. It wasn't really half -assed.
You found some news on the internet. Yeah. It
was good. It was fun. I'm actually sad about
the dolphin one. I really wanted that to be...
I really wanted that guy to be wholeheartedly
real. Yeah, Gerald the Dolphin. I need to know
where the name came from. Probably some fucking
TikToker. Who knows? I don't know. More than
likely. Alright, Sarge. I think that's it. Thank
you so much for listening, everyone. It's good
to be back. I missed all of you. I missed you,
Sarge. I wasn't here last week. I missed you.
All right. Is there anything you want to plug
before we sign off? No, I got nothing brewing
right now. I'm a busy man, but nothing fun. All
right. Yeah. Thanks, everyone, again, who bought
a T -shirt. Send us pictures of the T -shirt.
I want to try and get a collage real thing together.
If you got a shirt, send me a picture of you
wearing the shirt. And I think that's it. Follow
us on TikTok, Crypto Cocktail Party. Follow us
on Instagram, Crypto Cocktail. Please leave us
a five -star rating interview. It helps a lot.
And I guess with that out of the way, Sarge,
would you like to say goodbye and I love you
to the audience? Goodbye and I love you.