You are now listening to cryptid cocktail party
Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of
Cryptic Cocktail Party, a show where we have
a few drinks, share a few laughs, take a dive
into the unknown. I'm your host, Dave, joined
once again by my wonderful co -host, Sarge. How's
it going, Sarge? Hungover, Dave. Hungover and
cold. It's snowing again, goddammit. You don't
look hungover. I feel like when I'm hungover,
I look very... It's quite obvious. You look...
Chipper, cheerful. Normal. Yeah. That either
means I always look like shit or I managed to
hide my hangover as well. No, you look good.
Well, you know, being a dad, being a dad, hangovers,
you're not allowed to have them because your
kids still expect you to do shit. So this morning
I was up at the crack of dawn to take my youngest
son to boxing. Okay. Which is entertaining as
hell to watch because this little kid is just
taking big swings at this giant old man. And
it's really funny to see. And then right after
that, I had to pick up my other two kids and
we had to go to the gym and work out. So I think
I sweat out literally all the alcohol that would
have been remaining in my body. Oh, so you're
good. You're right as rain. Yeah, I'm ready to
go. Sorry I missed last week. I had a chance
to go to a hockey game. Well, I mean, I just
understand it, but I get it. I do not fault you
for it whatsoever. I don't even care for hockey,
but if I was going to watch any sport live, that
would be the one. Well, I'm glad you're doing
good. I'm glad to have you back. I missed you.
I feel like. I missed you. I'm glad you're doing
well. I heard you met somebody important to the
show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went to, I don't
know how much. I went to this place in Philly
last night called Monk's Cafe. Super awesome.
They just won a bunch of awards like best mussels,
best burger, best seafood, best fries. Food was
really good. I got like a kielbasa sub and it
was fucking so good. But yeah, one of the bartenders
there, he's a big fan of the show. So I got to
meet him last night. Super cool dude. Bought
me and my wife a round of beers. Yeah, it was
really cool. So if you're in the Philly area.
Go to Monk's. It's really, really fucking good.
They make the fucking mustard on this kielbasa.
They make their own homemade mustard. Really?
Dude, so good. So we're going there when I come
down in January, right? Yes, we will definitely
check it out. Okay, we got to figure out how
we're going to record then as well. They have
like a million beers on tap and then their bottle
list is like 200 bottles. Okay. This sounds like
a place I need to go to. Dude, they have a bar
on the front. They have a bar on the back. We
were in the back bar. That's where you want to
be, I feel like. Especially when we were there,
it was packed as fuck. But I feel like if you
go during the day, like a slower time, it seems
like a real legit place to hang out. That's where
we'll start day drinking. All right. Sounds good
to me. All right. I also. got reached out to
by somebody very important to the show. Okay.
A friend of mine I've been friends with on social
medias and various forms for many years. She
reached out to tell me, I don't like to admit
this in public, but I live in Southern Ohio and
I swear I saw the dog man once. Okay. And just
about any time I tell anyone, they think I'm
crazy. Well, my good friend, I don't think you're
crazy and I will be reaching out soon to hear
about your experience. Yeah. I want to know more.
I personally don't believe in Dogman. It's like
a big foot to me. Oh, no. I don't... I'm going
into this with anything's possible. And it is
Ohio, so it could have just been a very hairy
gentleman. Exactly. I think you missed a big
opportunity, by the way, with your Ohio cryptids.
What? Because you should have included J .D.
Vance. No, see, he doesn't even get the fucking...
No, I'm talking about the AI JD Vance. Which
one? The big fat one. The big fat one? Well,
no, I made that meme because it was a Bill Murray
meme. He's an artist from, that's the hog man.
If you don't get it, you know, it's very niche.
I did not get it. I feel bad now. I was like,
oh, there's already a joke embedded in here.
My mistake. Yeah. All right. So, Sarge, today's
the first day that to me has felt like winter.
Yeah. It finally snowed in Philly. We got like
three to six inches. Not a lot of snow. And it's
probably all going to be gone by the morning
because it usually always is. But it kind of
got me into the holiday spirit, if you will.
Okay. I'm excited. I don't know if you're feeling
it as well. I am. We've got some snow up here
in Massachusetts. Yeah. Not as much. Yeah. But
the holidays suck no matter what. Yeah. Fuck
Christmas. But I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it,
Sarge. The spirit of Christmas has taken over
me, so usually around this time of year, we'll
do some Christmas -based folklore. So I figured
why not just fucking get a jumpstart on it and
start this week. Are you ready for some fucking
wild ass? I really am, unless it's the Scandinavian
Santa Claus's racially insensitive buddy. Okay,
well... I won't say his name. No, but now I have
to redo this whole episode. Sorry. It's your
own fault for picking up Black Pete. That's on
me. You know what? I should have really thought
about this before. No, I guess I'm a little different.
It's worse than Krampus. Not as bad as Gree and
the Yule Lads. The Yule Lads? I'm sorry. Did
you say the Yule Lads? Yeah, you weren't on that
episode. That is a great name for, like, a punk
Christmas band. Yeah. Gria and the Yule – you
know the Yule Cat? No. Oh, it's like a – Gria,
the Yule Lads, and the Yule Cat are all part
of the same. But, well, you know what? I did
that episode with a scumbag who defrauded millions
of dollars off people. So maybe we'll redo it,
and I'll just delete it. We'll redo it. Yeah.
Okay. That'll be a lost episode. We'll get rid
of that one. We'll redo it. Yeah. So in the Alpine
regions of Europe, while the rest of the continent
is warning their children to be good little boys
and girls or else Santa won't bring them any
presents, people here in this region, they're
warning their kids about something way worse.
You see, in this region of Europe, during the
darkest nights of the year, it was said that
something moved from house to house, not to see
who was naughty or nice. It came to see who obeyed.
In some households, they would wake up to good
fortune. A small little gift, a coin, little
signs of luck for the upcoming year. Other homes,
well, they weren't as lucky because if you didn't
obey, didn't work hard, and didn't keep your
house in order, this visitor didn't bring coal
or scold you or whip you with a bundle of sticks.
No, if you were, say, like a lazy child or a
disobedient servant, they would cut open your
body, pull out your innards, and pack you full
of straw, stones, and trash before sewing you
shut again for your family to find on Christmas
morning. Happy holidays, Sarge. This week, we're
going to be covering Frau Perchta. I think that's
how you pronounce it. Are you familiar with this
at all? I'm not familiar, but I'm in no way shocked
that this is a Germanic creation. Yeah, it shouldn't
come as a surprise to anyone. All right, so let's
dive into Frau Perchta and what her whole...
deal is so in alpine folklore frau perkta i think
it's perkta is it perchta how's it spelled well
we're gonna take a quick break okay all right
so we've got clarification it's perkta i love
it yeah so in alpine folklore frau perkta isn't
just some random winter horror that shows up
just to cause chaos she like most of us has a
job to do Think of her role as something like
an eldritch home inspector, someone who drops
by in the dead of night during the darkest and
coldest parts of the year just to check in and
see how your home has been run and how the people
inside said home have behaved during the year.
And like a home inspector, she's got sort of
like a checklist of things that she keeps an
eye out for. She cares about order, cleanliness,
work getting done, and rules being followed,
specifically in the home. Like you can be a piece
of shit. outside like she does not care because
she's not like judging your personality she's
judging to make sure you did what needed to be
done in the home to like survive the winter so
yeah you could do whatever you wanted outside
the house you know you could build volkswagens
you could come up with final solutions in the
house yeah you got to be straight and narrow
yeah once you step through that doorway time
to fucking tighten it up bud all right Fucking
Christ. And that's why her focus is almost always
on, like, the children of the home, the servants,
and the people in the house responsible for,
like, the day -to -day. Now, depending on which
legend you go with, because, of course, there's
a billion of them, Frau Perica can appear to
you in two different ways. Sometimes she shows
up as a beautiful woman dressed in all white,
just bright, clean, almost glowing. Other times
she looks like a straight up fucking nightmare.
Just an old hunched over hag of a woman. Skin
all wrinkled, wild hair, ragged clothes. And
there's always something like off about her,
her body. Usually it's like, right. Usually it's
her foot. It's just too big. She's got a big
old misshapen foot for some reason. Yeah. So
basically you're either going to get Gwyneth
Paltrow in Shakespeare in love, or you're going
to get Marjorie Taylor green from yesterday.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, but, but she
isn't like changing forms at random. Like if
you did what you were supposed to do and got
your chores done, you'll get like the Galadriel
version of her. And if you didn't, well, it sucks.
It's kind of like you, did you watch season one
of American horror story? Yeah. You know, you
know, the maid, like it's kind of like that.
Right, right, right. The maid would either be
that like really pretty Irish lady or it would
be that horrifying. Yeah. So it's like two people
can be looking at the same person, but they're
seeing two different versions of the same thing.
If that makes sense. Yeah. So it's like the lady
in the bathtub in the shining. Well, yeah, but
didn't she like she's transformed. She was. Well,
yeah, because Jack Nicholson. was all all work
and no play made jack a dull boy and so because
he became a dull boy it's not like that though
i know it's not but i do like the the american
horror story illusion that works i feel like
that's the best way to describe yeah no that's
perfect all right so now we got like a brief
little overview of who she is and what her deal
is kind of and you know what she may or may not
be looking like uh let's talk more about the
rules she has how she rewards you for following
those rules, and then, of course, we're going
to talk about the punishments if you break said
rules. So like I said, she has a checklist. I
kind of gave you a quick summary of what's on
it, but it's a little more detailed than that.
So first and foremost, the house. It had to be
clean, has to be orderly, not falling apart.
Winter in the Alpine region is brutal, and a
sloppy house wasn't just embarrassing, it was
dangerous. So she just wanted to make sure that
you're keeping it together. when it actually
matters. Then there's work, especially the winter
work. Chores had to be done, tasks had to be
completed, but there was one job over all the
others that absolutely needed to be done, and
that was spinning. So for anyone who doesn't
know what spinning is, it's basically when you
take raw material like wool or something along
those lines and you spin it into thread so your
family is able to make clothes, blankets, and
anything else that they may need to survive the
winter. And all of that spinning, along with
the other day -to -day chores, was supposed to
be finished before the 12 days of Christmas.
Now, I learned something when writing this episode,
and I don't know if I'm the only one who didn't
know this, but apparently the 12 days of Christmas
aren't the 12 days leading up to Christmas. They
start on Christmas. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so I agree
that... I had no idea as well until like last
year. I had no idea. So for anyone who doesn't
know, apparently Christmas is like day one and
then the 12 days run from December 25th to January
5th. And then January 6th in the Alpine region
or maybe everywhere, I don't know, is the beginning
of something called epiphany. Yeah. It's all
three wise men. Yeah. So January 6th is the beginning
of epiphany or what the locals here call. Perkta's
night, which is the night that she shows up and
makes her final call and that marks like the
end of the season. It's not great. But yeah,
so it turns out Christmas wasn't just a day back
then. It was like this whole stretch of time
and that stretch of time was pretty dangerous
because those 12 nights were considered sort
of like an in -between period when spirits were
more active and Perkta was watching the entire
time. So rules mattered during the 12 days of
Christmas more than the rest of the year. But
anyways, back to spinning. So you had to make
sure that all that shit was done before the 12
-day started because if Perictus showed up and
finds unfinished spinning, like a tangle flax
or wool laying around or someone still working
the spindle when they weren't supposed to, that's
a fucking problem. And then there's food. Not
only making sure you got enough of it to get
through the winter, there was also very specific
rules about what you were supposed to eat on
Perictus night. Things like porridge, gruel,
and fish. Nothing rich or indulgent. Basically
peasant food, pretty much. Which, let's be honest,
that's probably a lot of what they're eating.
They're like, oh no, we put away the rack of
lamb until after practice night. Yeah, and you
better believe that she was checking in on that,
too. She was like a real stickler for the rules,
this lady. She sounds like an asshole. You think
that, but it's more complicated than that. Because
if you followed said rules, like if the house
was in tip -top shape, the work was getting done,
Perkta could actually be pretty generous. Some
families believe that the morning after Perkta
night, they would wake up rewarded. Maybe like
a small gift or a coin dropped in a shoe or a
bucket or even just a sign that the coming year
would be a fruitful one. Which isn't much, but
they didn't really have like fucking... PS5s
back then, so you get what you get, I guess.
Coin is like a PS5. Yeah, so basically it's follow
the rules, put some respect on her name, and
don't go for a reason to be pissed off at you.
Because if you didn't follow the rules, and your
house is trash, your work isn't done, and you
decided to eat a nice surf and turf on practice
night, it's going to be a bad time, Sarge. What
an asshole, though. She's like the fucking neighborhood
association. I'm sorry. Your trash cans are two
inches from the curb. I'm going to have to write
you a ticket. Yeah, but it'll all make sense.
Maybe. Okay. I don't know. Now, like I said,
it's going to be a bad time. And by bad time,
I don't mean like, oh, no, I got a lump of coal.
I mean, I mean, I mean, in the most literal sense
of the phrase, because Frau Pekta isn't the type
of figure to give second chances. There's no,
hey, maybe next year, champ, when it comes to
her. If your house is a mess, your work isn't
done, and you ignored all the rules, you fail
her inspection, and now you need to be punished.
And Pericta's punishment for a failed inspection
is very specific. So she comes into the home
while everyone is sleeping, and if she finds,
say, a lazy child, a disobedient servant, or
someone who wasn't pulling their weight, what
she would do is she would cut them open. reach
inside, pull out all of their internal organs,
and then stuff the empty cavity with pretty much
whatever was within arm's reach. Straw, sticks,
rocks, literal garbage. And then she would just
sew you back up. Some stories say she uses a
plowshare to slice open her victims, which is
the business end of a field plow. And then she
would use iron chains as the thread to sew the
bodies closed. That doesn't sound effective to
me. Yeah, but the visual is so good. Yeah. It's
going to be a thin chain, I'm guessing. Yeah.
And then after that, she just leaves. She just
fucking pieces out, leaving your body filled
with trash for the family to find the next morning.
So your punishment for being unsafe is death.
Yeah. And your punishment for being dirty. is
to become dirtier by having your entrails scattered
around your house. Yeah. Pretty ironic, right?
That checks out. That's logical. Yeah. And in
some cases, her punishments were very targeted.
Like in some regions, if you ate rich food on
practice night instead of the traditional beige
paste or whatever, she wouldn't kill you per
se. She would just cut you open and then replace
your stomach contents with straw and rocks, which...
It would kill you eventually, I assume, but even
if it doesn't, that fucking sucks. It'd be a
rough poop, that's for sure. But, like you've
been saying, but I think it's important to note,
like, this is what you think, I'm gonna... These
punishments seem a bit over the top by today's
standards, for sure. Like, a little weird. Back
in the day, things like laziness, disorder, wastefulness,
these weren't, like, personality flaws. She wasn't
judging you personally. Like, she was... Punishing
these people that she's punishing threatened
their family's chances at survival during the
winter. These people were liabilities. Yeah.
Yeah. And what better way to fix that than by
killing them? Hey, man, if there's if there's,
you know, and yeah, so and it make things worse.
Sometimes she didn't act alone. Some legends
say she traveled around with a whole ass crew
known as the Perkton. sometimes described as
fucked up looking animals. Other times they were
the souls of dead and unbaptized babies. If I
had a dime for every time an unbaptized baby
came up in a story like this. So if you failed
her inspection, you're getting murdered not just
by her, but her and a bunch of ghost babies,
which is somehow way worse. So much better, actually.
It's so awesome. Sounds like a death metal music
video. Yeah, it's gnarly. And the people of this
region, they didn't think of Frau Perchta as
some old legend that happened once, and then
they just continued on with the tradition the
same way we do with Santa Claus or Bobby Bonilla
Day or whatever. Frau Perchta, to them, she was
inevitable. Every winter, every year, during
the same stretch of nights, she was something
people expected to show up seasonally, which
also means that... In some places, the Perichten,
the spooky ghost babies, were also a real problem
that had to be dealt with. And this is where
things start to shift from folklore to real world
behaviors. Because at a certain point, I'm not
really clear when, but people in parts of Austria
and Bavaria stopped just talking about them and
started becoming them in what came to be known
as Perichtenlauf, which they were winter processions
where people dressed up as the Perichten. and
walk through the towns at night around like epiphany
time and when i say dressed up i mean they went
all out it wasn't like spirit of halloween costumes
like these were massive hand -carved wooden masks
with horn tusks fangs the whole nine yard they
had on animal hides and furs chains huge cowbells
strapped around their waists and they would charge
through the streets ringing their bells cracking
whips screaming jumping just get right in people's
faces and the idea behind this i guess was to
scare off any evil spirits bad luck or sickness
that was still hanging around from the past year
basically they were trying to out threaten the
threat of winter. If that makes sense. This is
something I could get behind. Yeah. And these
processions would also reflect the same dual
vibe that character herself gave off. There were
the. I don't know, this I did not look up how
to pronounce, the schoonperichten, or beautiful
perichten. They were clean, ornate masks in white
or brighter colored clothing, and they were meant
to bring good luck, wealth, and prosperity for
the upcoming year. Then there was the skiachprauten.
They were the ones I described earlier. Horn
masks, furs, and chains, loud, aggressive. Their
whole thing was to scare the piss out of anything
bad that hadn't left. So, same tradition, same
night. Two very different vibes, just like Frau
Perchta. So the Schoon Perchten or the Skia Perchten,
if you're nasty. Yeah, pretty much. And this
was like a whole thing. Entire towns took part.
Kids watched. They had a blast. Families planned
around it. It was a tradition. And like I said,
it seemed pretty rad. You know who didn't think
this was rad, though? The church. Exactly. Of
course. Of course. They're ruined. Oh, you having
a good time? Let's ruin it with some Christ.
Yeah, from the church's point of view, this was
just straight up heresy. You've got people leaving
offerings for some pagan winter witch that roams
the countryside and turns you into a human scarecrow
if you don't follow her rules. And you also got
grown -ass adults dressing up as demons, ringing
bells and cracking whips at all hours of the
night to protect them from said winter witch.
This is not what Jesus Christ would have wanted.
So by the late medieval period, Church officials
were openly condemning Frau Perekta. Sermons
and church records from the 1400s specifically
call out people for leaving out food for her
and her followers and accuse them of hanging
on to pagan superstitions instead of Christian
beliefs. Assholes. Yeah. These people are assholes.
Yeah, the church. You're ruining a beautiful
tradition. And the church really went out of
their way to demonize the fuck out of her. Instead
of the strict household enforcer or Windsor Guardian
that she was, they started labeling her a witch,
a devil, and the leader of an unholy night procession.
And if you and your family were a believer in
Perekta, you were siding with something evil.
Let me see if I've got this straight. The church
was saying, they're kind of doing the Trump approach
to the Epstein files. They both don't exist.
Yeah. And if they do exist and you like it, you're
bad. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But here's the thing,
Sarge. It didn't work. No one gave a fuck what
the church thought. Of course not. They're like,
fuck the church. The people didn't stop believing
in her. They didn't stop believing her offerings.
They didn't stop anything. Sure, they may have
reframed some things. Some places kind of sanded
down some of the sharper edges. Softened up the
edges. Yeah. Other places. They gave her a glow
up. Other places, they actually leaned harder
into those same sharp edges, but the rituals,
the masks, the noise, those things, they were
there to stay. Those are my people. Yeah, because
when winter is still dangerous and the dark still
feels alive, no matter what the church has to
say about it, people aren't going to let go of
the things that they think will protect them.
Right. And that's what's awesome about Frau Prakta.
As hard as the church may have tried, she never
really went away. even today in parts of Austria
and Bavaria, Perks in Lauf still happens every
winter. It's kind of just like a part of life
there now. It's something that's always been
done. And they'll tell you, you know, no one
actually believes in that stuff anymore. And
sure, on some level, that's true. But the timing
hasn't changed. The masks haven't changed. The
noise hasn't changed. It still happens in the
den of winter right around Epiphany during the
same stretch of nights when people used to believe
something was out there watching. I mean, yeah,
sure. Now it's... beer and people whipping out
their phones to take pictures and kids are laughing
without the internalized fear that they might
get disemboweled by a frost hag but the tradition
ritual is still there because frau parkta was
at least in my opinion never really about belief
if that makes sense like she was about order
and doing the work when the work mattered and
keeping your house together when winter could
actually just straight up fucking kill you so
it wasn't about frau parkta needs a movie yeah
it was it wasn't about faith or whatever like
You didn't need it. What you needed was discipline.
So sure, maybe now no one thinks Frau is going
to kick down your door in the middle of the night
and gut you like a fish anymore. But every year
at the same time, people still clean their house.
They do their chores. They still put on the masks
and they still make all that noise, you know,
just in case. I love it. So there you go, Sarge.
That is the legend of Frau Pärkta. How are you
feeling? I fucking love it. This is so great.
Yeah, it was a good story. It gives me life.
I like it even more when the church is like,
no, you can't do that anymore. And everybody's
like, oh yeah, bet. I'm now I'm going to do it
more. It's like they leaned harder into it. And
I fucking love that. It's like when my kids tell
me to stop singing in the car. So I sing louder.
Yeah. And it's not like they were like, oh, we'll
just do it in secret. So the church can't find
out. They're like, nah, dude, fuck you. Fuck
your baby Jesus. Yeah. What are you going to
do about it? Right? Stupid baby. You can't stop
me. I can do shit about it. Eat a dick. You got
one baby. We got eight ghost babies. Yeah. It's
fucking great. I love it. I love it. I love it.
Oh, shit. All right. Well, yeah, that's it. That's
all I got. It was a little shorter of an episode,
but it was something fun. We haven't done a Christmas,
you know? Sometimes, like I said, I got in the
Christmas spirit. I want to talk about Christmas
shit. Will we do more Christmas episodes? Maybe.
Maybe not. Who knows? I want to come up with
a New England themed version of Frau Perchta.
Not like Frau Perchta, but like something that
happens around every Christmas. Okay. Like maybe
it's a plow guy at Dunkin' Donuts. I don't know.
I'll come up with something. Maybe kind of like
the salt guy from Home Alone. Yeah, from Home
Alone. Yeah. Give him a backstory. Yeah. You
know, we'll workshop it. Yeah. If you don't order
an iced coffee in a snowstorm, he hits you with
a shovel. Because he knows you're not from here.
You're not wearing a t -shirt and shorts and
12 degree weather. Getting your iced coffee from
Dunks. I was actually describing to someone who's
not from Massachusetts. My father, who is...
I was like, you know how like an elephant seal...
is kind of clumsy and slow on land. But once
it gets in the water, it's like super elegant
and it can move around and do all those acrobatics
in the water. Yeah. That's like my dad in the
snow. The man just becomes this gazelle. Like
he can just handle winter. I mean, his, it's
like his body was designed for it. That makes
sense. They're all, they're all built different.
Yeah. It's definitely a, a certain breed of man
or people, I guess. oh shit alright Sarge well
you got any closing thoughts any questions concerns
comments no I love this I want Frau Perchta I
want ghost babies to just fucking run amok I
think that would be the coolest thing ever yeah
we need tradition I feel like America doesn't
have we don't have anything cool like this We
need, that's what I'm saying. We need to, at
least new England needs to create something.
Cause we're like the old country, you know? I
agree. I agree. Yeah. Again, if, and if anyone
listening has any ideas, shoot us an email at
crypto cocktail, gmail .com. We'll come up with
our own Christmas folklore. I want to hear about
it. I want more. It'll be great. All right, Sarge.
Well, that's it. That's all I got. I'm freezing.
All right. Well, you can all find us on the social
medias. Yeah. Google Cryptid Cocktail Party.
Google Saja Destroyer. Destroyer. The hangover's
kicking in. Google Saja Destroyer. You'll find
me or you'll find me on the Cryptid Cocktail
Party page. Yeah. Don't Google Dave. There's
a lot of them. Yeah. And most of them aren't
me. That's, you know, that's fair. Yeah. So,
yeah. Follow us wherever you can. Instagram,
all that stuff. Creepy Cocktail. Maybe leave
us a rating and review. It's Christmas time.
Yeah, please do that. You know, just be generous.
And, you know, it takes two seconds. Just a little
follow five star. You know, maybe on Apple. Write
something nice about us. You don't have to. I'm
just saying. It'd be cool. Yeah. All right. I
think that's all I got. And with that out of
the way, Sarge, would you like to say goodbye?
And I love you to the audience. Goodbye, and
I love you.