You are now listening to Cryptid Cocktail Party.
Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of
Cryptic Cocktail Party, a show where we have
a few drinks, share a few laughs, take a dive
into the unknown. I, your triumphant host, have
returned. And today I am joined not only by my
good friend Sarge, but also the Believing the
Bizarre Boys, Tyler and Charlie. How's it going,
guys? Good. Thanks for having us. Yeah, we're
doing really good. So much energy. I feel it.
It's great. Your intro music just makes me think
of it's the music our bassist at the time wanted
us to probably play that we just couldn't do.
No, we weren't screamers. Anyway, I feel a little
left out because I'm not vaping. I wish I kind
of was. Secondhand smoke is only secondhand cool,
bro. You can hold our candle up to you if you
want to feel cool like you got some over there.
You guys can see our candle. What scent is it,
Charlie? Chocolate muffin. Ooh. coffee mousse
coffee it's like yeah it's probably just coffee
but it's like cafe i'll tell you right now you
put chocolate muffin and coffee mousse in the
same room i'm not gonna know the difference i
i don't love this angle on me because like you
can see i you can see my one nipple just like
your one what dimple oh i thought you said nipple
yeah that's what i heard too i guess i've never
looked at you before oh and sarge how are you
doing you uh You look worse for wear. Yeah. Concussed,
Dave. Concussed. No, I'm just kidding. I'm not
concussed, but I did smash my head off a very
elegant couch in Sicily. So that was entertaining.
And I'm also dealing with a little bit of a cold
because I caught some kind of plague on one of
the many flights that I had to take. But I'll
tell you, amazing, amazing place to be. And if
you like gin and tonic, apparently Sicily is
the place to go because it is like the most popular
thing next to wine. Did you break the couch?
Weirdly enough, I did not break the couch. I'm
trying to figure out what it's made of because
I'm 250 pounds of just great meat. You know what
I mean? You need to get sponsored by that couch
and turn this into an ad. I know. Or a PSA. One
of the two. Go to Jordan's Furniture. Indestructible
couch. I have to go before I hit the couch. The
couch didn't knock me out. That's really the
only thing I've got going for me. Just broke
your face's fall. True. But also, if you were
knocked out pre -falling, that means you couldn't
brace yourself. So that couch took all of it.
All your face. Yeah. The whole thing. Were the
glasses on? Yeah. Weirdly enough, the glasses
didn't break either. Dude, another sponsorship.
I just woke up in a pool of my own blood and
everyone was screaming. Well. We didn't come
back from a trip. We've just been in Ohio. Well,
we did just come back from Kansas. Oh, so there
you go. We were on a trip. There you go. Kansas
is much different than Sicily or Japan. That's
true. That's true. All right, guys. Well, I appreciate
you guys coming on. Like you said, I was also
on a trip to Japan. And I got a little inspired
by my trip. And by that, I mean I bought a bunch
of books about stuff. And I feel like for the
foreseeable future, a lot of these episodes are
going to be about japan so yes i guess my question
to you guys before we go into the episode itself
obviously you guys are cryptid guys you're paranormal
guys you're but are you guys yokai guys yes you
know this yokai you're a form of noodle i mean
it can be i'm sure there is a yokai that is a
form of noodle They seem to be made out of anything
and everywhere. But today we're going to be discussing
one of Japan's most famous and enduring supernatural
figures. It's a yokai that kind of blurs the
line between like a god, a monster, and just
a straight up dickhead. This week, we're going
to be covering everyone's favorite butthole boy,
the kappa. Are you guys familiar with the kappa?
Is that the one where in the butt is the eye
hole where they like bend over? You know what
I'm talking about. Yeah, that's not that. I know
the one you're talking about too, actually. That's
the one. Yeah, different butthole. This is a
different butthole boy. So, like I said, the
kappa, or river child, is what it translates
to, is one of Japan's oldest and most famous
yokai and has been haunting Japanese rivers,
ponds, and lakes for centuries. In the oldest
version, they weren't like the cute, goofy, cucumber
-loving guys we see today used to sell beer and
kitchenware. And it kind of went through a few
different evolutionary changes over the years.
before we get into what the kappa is how it behaves
and all that stuff i figured we'd do like a brief
history of the evolution of the kappa and before
we dive into this like before we do any sort
of like i guess folklore stuff i don't know shit
about japan japanese culture or like their belief
system so i tried to like make sure this is like
as accurate as possible and if i get anything
wrong or if i mispronounce something i apologize
to anyone who would be offended by it. So Dave,
I'm glad you prefaced that because while you
were talking, I thought I did have a concussion
because you were talking about a cucumber boy
and there were buttholes involved. Well, no,
those are all just like, everybody knew what
it was. And I was like, yeah, I thought it was
the other butthole guy. Yeah. Can you just tell
me about the cute? Cause I'm now I want to know.
I love cucumbers. I want to know. Can I eat this
monster? We're going to get there. He's not a
cucumber boy. He's a butthole boy. He loves cucumbers
as well. So we're talking about cucumbers and
buttholes. Those things do go hand in hand. Sarge,
you'll know what the kappa is as soon as I start
describing it. I promise. It's the most recognizable
thing. Do you know about this, Charlie? Oh, yeah.
We talked about this, actually. Okay. We did
mention this. What was the guy in Greek? Was
his name Kappa? Or was it Cap? What? He was on
ABC Family. I have no idea. What show? Greek?
I never saw that. What? Never mind. You may continue.
I have a concussion now. The story of the Kappa
begins with Japan's ancient water gods. Way before
the Kappa became a mischievous little shit, the
Kappa's ancestors were Suijin. They were deities
believed to govern the rivers, ponds, and even
rainfall. And the people of Japan feared and
revered them in equal measure because back in
ancient Japan... Water meant life. Rice farming
called for constant irrigation, and rivers that
blessed you one season could drown your fields
the next or dry it out completely. So to keep
those spirits appeased, farmers would leave offerings
along the banks, and fishermen would perform
purification rites before casting their nets.
To the people, the water wasn't just some geographical
feature. It was alive and very easily angered,
so if you disrespected it, it would fuck your
whole shit up. By the medieval period, The animistic
reverence started to blend with Chinese and Buddhist
ideas about like river spirits and karmic punishment
and stuff like that. And in these stories, drowned
souls or unclean spirits turned into vengeful
water demons that would drag the living underwater.
And it's this mix of ideologies that birthed
early versions of the Kawatara or river boy,
a part divine, part horrifying nightmare entity
that would punish those that polluted, fished
irresponsibly, or played too close to the water's
edge. And parents, of course, jumped at the chance
to weaponize the myth as a kind of supernatural
PSA, telling their kids like, hey, stay away
from the river or the Kappa will straight up
eviscerate you. Then as Japan entered the Edo
period between 1603 and 1868, the Kappa kind
of evolved again. The country cities were booming,
literacy was spreading, and the yokai of old
started turning from like whispered superstitions
to mainstream entertainment. Woodblock artists
like Toriyama Sakin began cataloging them in
illustrated compendiums like the illustrated
Night Parade of the Hundred Demons. And it's
here that the Kappa shed its divine aura, like
it wasn't a religious thing anymore, and took
on the traits that we kind of know and love for
it now. just like a squat little water imp with
a water bowl head, and a personality that was
somehow rude, curious, and comically polite all
at the same time, turning it from a feared child
snatcher into more like a mischievous country
bumpkin. See, I love that. I want to meet that
one. Yeah? I love that for him. I'll be gentle
with the rivers just so I can hang out with this
guy. How are you guys feeling so far? I don't
know if I want to meet them. What are they sacrificing
by the water? Just like children. Please rain
this year. The crops need it. Send out Jordan.
I don't think they were sacrificing. They were
just leaving it offerings. I have no idea what
the offerings were. Yeah, there's just that one
person to get the memo. They're like, here's
some candy. Here's some food and water. Well,
you guys didn't say what to bring to the offering.
I brought this one. I didn't have a chance to
stop by the store. His grades are real bad this
year. Yeah, he's super slow, so it's probably
best we get rid of him. I know they used to get
rid of their old people in the Okihara forest,
so it's not unperceivable that they would just
get rid of the kids they didn't. I'm going to
back off this. I got you kids a little shit.
You want good rice, feed them to the Kappa. You
know, that's what it is. I agree. I agree. Good
rice. And different regions had their own takes
on the Kappa. Like in Eastern Japan, the name
Kappa became pretty much the standard. While
in Western Japan, it went by Kawataro or Gawappa
or Enko. Enko means like monkey, river monkey.
I like that better. AKA Kappa, AKA Gawappa. Yeah.
AKA. um turtle dude so some were hairy some were
amphibian others were just absolute nightmare
fuel but they all shared the same like traits
that make a kappa a kappa they lived in the rivers
and will fucking kill you if you aren't careful
so who pissed off the kappa in 2011 because that
was when the tsunami hit right there was one
fucking real angry kappa hold on i think that's
a different monster i don't know if they control
the ocean as well yeah no this is more just like
So now that we know a little bit about the history
of this thing, let's talk about the kappa itself.
Now, physically, this thing fucking sucks. Like
I said, descriptions vary from region to region,
but the broad strokes are pretty consistent.
It's roughly the size of a 10 -year -old. It's
got skin that's blue or green, and it's covered
in a layer of slime and just reeks of fish. Its
body is humanoid, but like... Bad. It has webbed
hands and feet. Scales are like thin leathery
skin, depending on who's telling the story, and
a hard turtle shell on its back that it said
to shield from arrows and blades. Some older
accounts from Western Japan say that it was hairier,
more like a drowned monkey, while the Eastern
Kappa was more reptilian. Either way. It's not
something you want brushing against your leg
while you're wading in a river. I prefer the
Eastern model. Is that the turtle? Yeah. Yeah,
the turtle boy. Turtle one's way better. Yeah,
I'm less threatened by a turtle. Yeah, yeah.
Then a dead monkey. Yeah. A dead river monkey.
Like, river monkey sounds like a terrifying creature.
It's like a mix between an otter and a chimp.
Yeah. It feels more aggressive, too. That'd be
like the Kushtaka, right? Kind of? Yeah, kind
of. I feel like the turtle's like... We're chill.
It's a turtle. You think like Finding Nemo? Yeah,
but also Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Where's
your offering, bro? Well, you guys are saying
that, but there's this thing. I mean, I don't
want to run into any of these, right? I thought
we were just picking like the best case scenario.
Yeah. Best case scenario, probably the turtle.
I agree. But this thing looks kind of like a
cross between a human and a turtle, like with
a long beak -like mouth, and it's filled with
razor -sharp teeth made for tearing fish or occasionally
the fleshy bits of an unspecting child. But the
feature that truly makes the kappa the kappa
is the sara. That's the shallow, bowl -shaped
dent on the top of its head. Now, this dish holds
a small pool of water, and it's said to be the
source of the kappa's life force. So as long
as water remains in the bowl... The kappa is
supernaturally strong, and if it spills it, it
just crumples into a pile, drained of all its
powers until it can re -up its head water. This
is why you'll sometimes see depictions of kappas
bowing all awkward -like. It's because it's trying
not to spill out its skull juice. And it's this
trait that has become its undoing, because if
you bow to a kappa, its politeness forces it
to bow back, and it dumps out its own power.
That's very Japanese. Lower bow. Lower. If you
get killed by the Kappa, you're a fucking idiot.
Well, all of them are kids, right? So they don't
know anything. They're not polite. They're not
polite. But kids have slingshots. He deserves
it. I feel like the slingshot would be like the
natural because you like knock its head. Does
Joey have a slingshot? No, but he's also not
10 yet. I feel like you slingshot its head like
the kids from It. You know what I mean? Like
knock its head and spill it. It seems like such
a terribly, terribly bad weakness. Yeah. But
the thing is, that's when it's outside of water.
Inside of water, no matter what, it'll fuck your
whole day up. Inside of water, the cap is good
to go. I'm just thinking outside, so just don't
go in the water. And if you encounter this guy,
just bow and you're good. Yeah, pretty much.
Bow and then spike his head bowl. Right? Just
get him fucked up. Put a little fireball in there.
See what he does there? Then he becomes real
strong and starts listening to Kid Rock. Yeah.
You want to avoid that at all costs. Yeah. Found
a new worst case scenario. He's texting his ex.
He became a hillbilly. But don't worry, guys.
It's anatomy only gets worse from here. Old Edo
period field guides to yokai say that the kappa
has three buttholes, allowing it to fart three
times harder and louder than a human. There is
a whole bunch of texts from the 18th and 19th
century. Did my kid invent this? Are you just
communicating with my son at this point? Because
it sounds like something he would invent. I wish.
Three buttholes. Amazing. Three buttholes. I
want to talk about anatomy for a second. Is it
like in a row or like a side force kind of thing?
Yeah. Does it look like the menu option on Google?
Yeah. Yeah. Or is it like a jet engine where
they're like, focus. I'm going to be honest with
you. I didn't look up Google searches of the
Kappa's. You never thought about it. That's the
problem. It makes me think of like. In, you know,
demonic stuff where you hear, like, three knocks.
You hear three farts, three toots, and, you know.
Three toots. I always assume they're, like, in
a vertical line. Like, up, like, this is, like,
that. I feel like, or maybe it's a triangle,
like, the Predators, like. I think the triangle.
Triangle is probably the most ergonomical. What
you have to do is you have to find a Kappa toilet
and see if it's, like, long. You know, like,
which way it's long. Elongated. Yeah, if it's
really wide, then you know they're probably in
a row this way. You know what I mean? I will
say, there is a version of a Kappa toilet coming
up, so... There we go. There we go. So there's
a whole bunch of texts from the 18th and 19th
century, and they go into pretty vivid detail
about the Kappa's extraordinary flatulent capabilities,
describing farts so loud that they would echo
across valleys. And speaking of buttholes...
Buried somewhere deep inside the Kappa, as well
as humans, is a small glowing orb called the
Shirakodama, or the Buttball. And the Kappa is
obsessed with it, both its own and yours, but
we'll talk about that more soon. Now, for something
that looks like a rejected Ninja Turtle, the
Kappa has a somewhat complicated personality.
Depending on the story, it's either a prankster,
a sex pest, or just a straight -up murderer.
Sometimes all three, if the story's good. Now,
Kappa spend most of their time in rivers, ponds,
or irrigation canals lurking just below the surface.
Now, in water, they're super fast, crazy agile,
and almost impossible to catch. On land, not
so much. They're awkward and clumsy, and they
basically stumble around like a drunk uncle at
a Little League game, which is probably why they
try to litter you to the water's edge rather
than attempt to come out and get you. As far
as what they like to get up to in their free
time, when they aren't crop -dusting the riverbanks
with their excessive amount of buttholes, Well,
their idea of a good time has some range. It
goes from harmless mischief like stealing crops,
peeking under women's kimonos, and scaring livestock
just for a laugh, all the way to sexual assault
and murder. It's a pretty wide spectrum of what
they like to get out to. Yeah, it's basically
indie dick. But if you want to get on their good
side and avoid being fucked with at all, all
you got to do is give the little guy his favorite
snack. A cucumber. Kappa go feral for them. It's
like Kappa crack. All over TikTok right now.
Cucumber salads. Cucumber salads? Yeah, yeah.
Is that popping on TikTok? Yeah, I guess I'm
talking about it, right? I have no idea. The
young man with the cucumber salad. This is what
you need for the cucumber salad. Oh, I know what
you're talking about. I do know what you're talking
about. And it has like peanut butter in it or
some shit like that. Depends, yeah. Depends what
it is. It sounds great. Cucumber salad is also
another word for like a party where there's too
many dudes. Is it? I've not heard that. I think
you just made it up. Yeah. I did just make it
up. I've heard sausage party. I mean, yeah, I
see it. I will say one of the best things I had
to eat in Japan was literally just a cucumber
on a stick that was brined in salt water. That
sounds amazing. Dude, it was so good. Dude, when
it's like a million degrees out and it's fucking
sweltering, that nice cold cucumber. It sounds
refreshing. It was so good. And if you're walking
around, you don't feel like shit after eating
it. The whole inspiration for this whole thing,
just like, what the fuck did you get into over
there? And it was a cucumber and a stick. Cucumber
and a stick, pretty much. What is in the water
in Japan that makes them make up these things
in the water? Sake. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I did look
up the Kappa's butthole, by the way. It looks
like a traditional butt. So my assumption is
that it's three up and down. Up and down? Yeah.
That makes sense. They like Franklin the Turtle
just like a bashing head. That's what I'm seeing,
right? Yeah? Yeah, that's pretty much what it
is. But anyways, back to the cucumber. So yeah,
so they love these things. And then villages
often use cucumbers as like peace offerings and
would carve their family's name into the skin
of the cucumber and then they would toss them
into the rivers. That way the capo would remember
who like not to drown. Gotcha. Flip side, flip
side. If you eat a cucumber and then go swimming.
the kappa will smell it on you and will kill
you and will get to that cucumber one way or
another so my dog's kappa just got this dude's
head and water drowning he's like wait wait wait
are you are you the simpsons boy oh shit oh god
you yeah you guys gave me my bad i love your
names in this scenario very white little boys
well i'm not gonna be stereotypical and just
list some well okay Sasuke. Suzuki. Toyota. Are
you the Hyundai's boy? Is that what you want
from me, Charlie? To me. But when they're not
rating vegetable patches or disemboweling you
because you have residual cucumber stink. The
Kappa also loves sumo wrestling. Travelers, farmers,
fishermen, anyone just minding their own business
would be challenged out of nowhere by these slimy
little fucks, and they insist on the match happening
right then and there. And these little bastards
are strong, mean, and they fight dirty. Your
only defense, really, is to bow before the match
begins. Kappa are painfully polite. they have
almost like a compulsive sense of manners for
some reason. So they will bow back. And the deeper
you bow, the deeper they bow, spilling water
from their soft spot. And that causes them to
lose all their... It's a goofy as hell weakness,
but it's one of the few reasons anyone in these
stories ever live, like, to tell the tale. I
feel like the Capra has a weird grasp on manners,
though, because, like, where I come from, it's
rude to tackle someone or drown people. Yeah,
it's... It's a flawed creature, to say the least.
Yeah. When I was a rotund little boy, that was
one of my plans, was to be a sumo wrestler in
Japan. Because I heard they got to eat and fight,
and I was like, that sounds great. It does sound
great. Anyways. But the creature's most feared
behavior is its obsession with the Shirakodama,
a mythical orb said to contain a person's soul
or life force. The thing is, is that the Kappa
believes it's located in your ass, and it's not
gentle about how it goes about getting it. Some
stories say the Kappa kills you by drowning and
then retrieves the Shirakodama after. Others
say it just goes for it and you end up a flesh
puppet with the Kappa's arm elbow deep in your
colon. While other stories say it sucks the orb
straight out of your butt like a human straw.
So, about to call Olivia Benson. Law and order.
Dun -dun. There's a new colonoscopy doctor in
Kappa. Dr. Kappa? All right. She takes new appointments
every day. All I can think of is one over -enthusiastic
neighborhood guy who just goes down to the river
every day and bends over and he's like, whoops.
He eats a cucumber. He's ready for it. Hey, Kappa.
So it's not great, but again, it gets worse.
Like I said, Kappa are just outright sexual predators.
They are said to assault women who come too close
to the bank, dragging them into the water. to
have their way with them before killing them.
In some rarer stories, the victim survives, only
to give birth months later to a half -human,
half -kappa baby that is usually abandoned or
worse, just like thrown back into the river.
They don't live very long. You've got to put
that down. They're basically the Trump family.
Yeah. And if that weren't enough, kappa are also
known to haunt your toilet. In some regions,
they lurk beneath old wooden outhouses, reaching
up to grab the butts of unsuspecting shitters.
Sometimes it's just a perverted prank. Other
times it is an attempt to yank out your butt
soul wall. That's a new fear unlock right there.
Cappy got me. That's their glory hole. Leonardo
took a really dark turn after college. After
the band broke up, Leonardo went a different
way. He's just waiting in outhouses with his
arm right there. Can I actually tell real quick
just a horrifying situation when I was in basic
training. We were out in the field near the end
of our training, and there's an outhouse, for
lack of a better word. And it's just a wooden
plank with three holes in it. For the kappa.
Yeah. And you hold on for as long as you can,
because you don't want to have to poop with no
privacy, right? And then you finally get to a
point where you just got to bear down and make
it happen. Yeah. And so I used this toilet. um
with two of my best friends and uh we just didn't
look make eye contact you know what i mean you
hold hands all three of us were attacked by some
kind of insect on our butts oh god and one of
us got um mercer oh right above his butthole
Oh, my goodness. That's not good. Thankfully,
I didn't get that. I just got like a really,
like a big mosquito bite, essentially. That's
like that flesh -eating disease, right, Marissa?
Yeah, it's like an infection. It's like the next
step after, I forget what it is. I don't know.
Where did you have your basic training? Was it
in hell? Close. It was in Fort Leonard Wood,
Missouri, which is basically hell. Horse flies.
are like flying bullets and they will attack
you for no reason. And black snakes everywhere,
all kinds of feral rodents, plus meth. The place
is insane. Shout out Missouri. Sounds kind of
awesome. They know. I have never told that story
to somebody from Missouri and then be like, no,
wait a minute. They're always like, yeah, no,
I get it. I get it. Well, I'm sorry about your
friend's butt and your butt, I guess. Me too.
Yeah. I got lucky. I just had an itchy butt.
This poor guy. He had to go to the fucking doctor
and everything. Well, at least he can get his
soul ripped out through his asshole. That's,
you know. He kind of did. He kind of did. Maybe
he was just in the mosquito with bad aim. Maybe
that was the case. He was trying to get to the
butthole. Maybe. But Kappas, they aren't just
all murderous sexual deviants who challenge unsuspecting
people to impromptu sumo matches. Sometimes when
leveraged, they will do some good. Like in one
story. A farmer catches a kappa trying to drown
his cow. Dick move, obviously. Yeah, that's fucked
up. So the farmer lunges at the kappa, grabs
it by its arm, but the slick little ship slips
away, but not before its arm pops right off in
the farmer's hand. Jesus Christ. Later that night,
the one -armed kappa shows up at the farmer's
door crying and begging for its arm back and
swears to repay him if he returns it. So the
farmer agrees, but only if the creature promises
to never harm the village again and to teach
him the Kappa's healing secrets. So the Kappa,
true to its word, gives the farmer the knowledge
of bone setting and herbal medicine before taking
its arm and vanishing into the darkness. So not
all bad stuff that he does. Sometimes if you
steal an arm from him, he'll show you how to
set a bone or something. Yeah. You just got to
rip its arm off and then you can get some good
stuff. Yeah. Wow. So yeah, not all bad. I guess
somewhere like along the line, like the kappa
stopped being just like the butt -grabbing menace
of every riverside horror story and the creature's
image started to like soften the same monster
that was once accused of ripping out buttholes
was gradually recast as like a river guardian
still unpredictable but not nearly as malevolent
in many rural towns people still pray to suiko
sama The Waterlord, which is essentially like
the divine version of a Kappa. So farmers ask
for good irrigation, fishermen for calm currents,
and parents for their children to stay safe near
the water. And today, the line between like superstition
and heritage is kind of thin. Like whether people
see the Kappa as a god, a demon, or just a good
story depends on who you talk to. But even after
Japan's rivers were tamed with concrete and floodgates,
the Kappa never really disappeared. It just ended
up adapting further. So today, the Kappa sits
somewhere between mascot and myth. It's a little
greener, a little cuter, and with a lot less
of the whole stealing your butt soul. By the
20th century, artists and storytellers had turned
the once lethal river demon into just a goofy
little guy. Manga legend Shigeru Mizuki gave
the Kappa a bit of like an image rehab, turning
it into a misunderstood yokai who just wants
friends and the occasional cucumber snack. And
after that, it was pretty much like open season.
All of a sudden, the Kappa was popping up in
cartoons, commercials, children's books. There's
a brewery in Kyoto called Kitsukura Sake, and
they made the creature its mascot in the 50s
using like a happy little Kappa family to sell
its booze. And from there, the ball just kept
rolling. The 1968 monster movie, Yokai Monsters,
Semicolon, spook warfare. Had a kappa teaming
up with Japanese ghouls to fight off a Babylonian
vampire. There's also a 2010 movie called Death
Kappa, which is like a kaiju parody with like
a Godzilla -sized kappa just decimating cities.
Decimating assholes. Then on the cuter side,
the anime movie Summer Days with Ku, Reimagine
the Kappy, is just a lonely little creature that
gets adopted by a human family. Kind of like
an E .T. story. That's some shit I would watch.
Yeah. I kind of want a kappa action figure now.
Dude, I tried to find something like that. I
could not find one. I probably wasn't looking
in the right spots though. You know what I mean?
Okay. I'm going to look it up. I'm going to see
if I can find something on Amazon. I kind of
need this. But we here in the West got in on
it as well. When the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
time traveled to feudal Japan in the third movie,
the villagers in that movie thought. They were
Kappa, which tracks. Makes sense. It's totally
fair. Makes sense, yeah. They were within their
rights. Exactly. And these days, you'll see Kappa
statues near temples, rivers, train stations
all over Japan. Some guard bridges, other advertise
cucumber rolls, and plenty of them stand proudly
outside water safety centers because apparently
the best mascot for don't drown is the one guy
who's really fucking good at drowning people.
It's kind of like Chuck E. Cheese, right? Yeah.
Like, don't eat bad pizza, but I know about bad
pizza because I'm a rat. That's exactly what
it is. Yeah, but there you have it. That's the
Kappa. It's proof that folklore can kind of have
a sense of humor and that even absolute monsters
need a rebrand eventually. So from Drowning Kids
to Hawk and Saki, it's safe to say that the Kappa
has had one hell of a character arc. But there
you go. That's a pretty... brief version of the
Kappa story. How are you guys feeling so far?
I love it. I love Japan. I love the Kappa. I've
been a fan of the Kappa, a fan of his for a while.
He's a good dude. Yeah. I love this so much.
Like, this speaks to me. Just a mischievous little
guy who's probably going to rip out your butthole,
but will also sell you cucumber rolls. Yeah,
that's exactly what it is. I like that his buttholes
resemble the menu option on Google Chrome. That's
pretty cool. Is that what it is? The three dots?
Yeah, the three dots next to your little profile
picture. Yeah. You find that when you delete
your browsing history, which, based on the Kappa's
lore, is probably something you want to do. It's
crazy they thought so much time about his butthole,
you know? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's not really
that crazy. Like, you guys know what the Tanuki
is in Japan? What is it? The tanuki is like a
raccoon dog. Oh, the raccoon with the giant balls?
It's got huge balls and it uses its scrotum to
fly. I see Pompoko. Yeah, I feel like the three
buttholes... Can we cover that one next? It just
has the deepest voice. It's got Shaq's voice.
It does look like a batwing when you stretch
it out, so I get that. Yeah, but there's a whole
anime about it. Maybe we will. Sorry, it's just
for you. But there you have it. I got no more
Kappa stuff for you. That's kind of all I got.
I hope you guys enjoyed it. That's the kind of
stuff that I imagine being just created as a
warning for children not to go near water because
they might drown. But then they just go more
and more extreme with the cucumbers and the butt
soul. This really was a yes and gone wrong. Or
gone very well. Well, it's kind of like the...
Canada and Alaska, like the Inuit people up there,
they have the Kalupalik, which is kind of the
same thing, only it's like a horror mom instead.
But it's basically, yeah, it's basically just
a cautionary tale of, you know, water is dangerous.
Every major culture really has that, like La
Liguerona. there's others you had the wolf man
right is that what it was your mom told you oh
no we had the coyote man coyote man because i
where i grew up in my house there was like it
was a suburb of cleveland and like outside like
there was a bunch of like trees yeah uh we were
surrounded by trees and my mom did not want me
to play in these four these so she had to create
something create her own fucking cryptid she's
like don't go out there because the coyote man's
out there and i was like what she's like yeah
he um i think i assume on the spot she was like
yeah he has the skin of a coyote and it has a
stone hatchet and if you're out past when's the
sun go down six he'll kill you that is false
so stay in your fucking room best imagination
yeah no she was uh she she was also she was also
clowning her free time sometimes and she would
go by fuck over the clown hell yeah dude yeah
dude Can your mom come on the show? That would
be so much fun. About 20 years ago, she could
have. Oh, Jesus. I'm such a son of a bitch. That's
good, man. She probably would have yelled at
you guys. It's fine. Well, I'm going to log off.
You don't know how. This is Kappa. Oh, I don't
know how to use Kappa. You know, it's rough.
But the thing about a lot of those other cautionary
tales about water and shit like that, I feel
like they never really delved into too much of
the backstory because they just needed the monster.
That's really all you needed. With the Kappa,
they were like, yeah, but what if? Hear me out.
It had a bunch of buttholes and its head was
filled with water. And everyone's just like,
I guess. I was like, wow, that's pretty interesting.
Do you think this is something that's genuinely
believed or is it a fun lore to talk about? I
think in, well, it's not your culture. So I know
you're, it's tough to like speak for another
culture, but no, but your opinion, I, in my opinion,
I think it's one of those things where it's like,
it's not like crazy believed, but I mean, like,
I think underneath it's like a, what it like,
almost like an agnostic kind of approach to it.
Like a, you know, I'm not going to speak ill
of it because what if, but also isn't this a
cute little guy? Yeah. I think it's probably
close to like the hilled folk in Iceland. Yeah.
I mean, I like some people think I'm crazy because
I believe in fairies, but like, you know, they're
there. Yeah. I don't really necessarily believe
in Bloody Mary, but I also don't feel compelled
to do it because there's that 1 % chance that
you're going to get grabbed through the mirror.
Same. Yeah. Never once. No way. Candyman. Candyman.
Well, that's a movie. That's like, isn't that
a thing too though? No, real thing. I think it's
just, I don't know. I've never seen the movie
guys. So. You should. Watch the original and
the new one. They're both very good. I didn't
love the new one as much, even though I love
Jordan Peele, but the one with the bees and everything.
Tony Todd is amazing. Tony Todd, I think, was
in the second one. I mean, in the remake. Was
he? As Candyman? For like a second, right? Yeah,
no, he wasn't Candyman, I don't think, but he
was in the remake. He had a cameo, I think. Yeah.
I can't believe I've done this to us. He passed,
I think. All right, guys. That's the end of the
episode. I appreciate you guys coming. Do you
guys have anything before we sign off that you
want to plug, discuss, talk about? We're starting
a new band. Random shit has nothing to do with
the podcast. If you're interested in listening
to Believe in the Bizarre, check us out. We're
on all the podcast players. You know how to find
a podcast because you're listening to this. Whatever
you're listening on, you can search here if you
want more. Appreciate you guys having us on.
This is fun. Thank you. It was a good time. I
wish it was longer. you know, I didn't have a
lot of to go off. The thing is with the Kappa,
like everyone knows what it is and it's everywhere,
but there's not that many like stories about
it. You know what I mean? There are, but they're
all in English. Yeah. But no, it was, it was
good. I'm glad you guys did this. It was a ton
of fun. Sarge, you got anything you want to plug
before we sign off? Yeah, there's a great furniture
store that sells Italian couches. Also indestructible
eyewear. No, just all the normal stuff. You can
find me on social media. Just Google Sgt. Destroyer.
I'm there. But listen to our podcast and please
comment and like and share it and drink Narragansett
beer because they are not responsible for my
black eye. It feels like maybe they are. I'm
legally obligated to make sure they don't get
in trouble for that. Alright, so with that out
of the way, Sarge usually says goodbye and I
love you to the audience, but do you two want
to do the honors of saying goodbye and I love
you to the audience? I'll say goodbye. I'll say
I love you. Goodbye, audience. I love you very
much.