You are now listening to Cryptid Cocktail Party.
Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of
Cryptic Cocktail Party, a show where we have
a few drinks, share a few laughs, take a dive
into the unknown. I am your host, Dave. I am
not joined by Sarge today, but instead, I have
a very special guest. I am joined today by fan
favorite, Colby Clark. How's it going, buddy?
Ooh, I'm doing good, buddy. Thank you for having
me on. Yeah, not a problem, man. Love you, Sarge.
Yeah. I hope you're having fun adventures. Actually,
I think he's on an adventure. I think he's up
in New Hampshire hiking or something like that.
I really don't know. He's just at the DMV? Maybe.
I don't know. On a Sunday. I'm so glad you're
here, man. It's been a long time since you've
been on. Yeah, it has been. I know. How long
are we thinking? In terms of episodes, how many
have you done so far? In terms of episodes, it's
a lot. Yeah. I know. You probably haven't been
on. It's been over a year since you've been on
Colby. Too long. Too long. Too long. Way too
long. So what's been up? What's going on with
you? Anything new? Anything fun? Anything exciting?
I mean, played a very sick show at Henneker Brewing.
I got our logo on a fucking beer, which is very
cool. Hell yeah. Yeah. other than that um we
do have my band lanterns has a a new a new drop
coming soon um which i think you're gonna like
um and maybe the the listeners of cryptic cocktail
would like so that's that's it yeah maybe whatever
dude you know maybe first of all now's not the
time to plug your shit all right that's way to
the end so early you fucking self -serving bastard
all right i get you in front of an audience and
you're just like it's all about me baby that's
what i've been up to though i guess um hanging
out with my wife she's lovely i love that i love
that what have you been up to oh you know uh
this i'm going to japan so this is my last episode
before i go to japan i'll be gone for like three
weeks so very cool Yeah, it's not bad. Very,
very fucking cool. It's not bad. It's going to
be fun. No. I'm going to get fucking hammered.
Yeah. In Japan. You should. I'm going to be a
problem. Are you going to do sake bombs? I don't
know. I don't think that's a Japanese thing.
I think that's like an American thing that we
took. Like we just did that. 100%. Definitely
American thing. We bang on the table and they're
like, shh. Yeah. Quiet. I feel like that's not.
Why are you so loud? Yeah, I don't think that's
a thing. they do but yeah no i'll uh it'll be
fine yeah i mean i'm sure you got some awesome
shit planned i'm sure your wife is super excited
ali's taking care of most of all the this is
like her like she's all gung -ho about it she's
taking care of most of the stuff that we're gonna
do i i only had only had two things i wanted
to do one of them we might not do it because
it turns out it's way far away from everything
that we're like where we're staying so but yeah
you know Yep. It's going to be fun. Just don't
worry about it. All right. That was the same
thing that happened to me when we wanted to do
Twin Peaks stuff. Well. We didn't do any Twin
Peaks stuff. Well, Colby, this is kind of Twin
Peaky's in a way, this episode. Not really at
all. The old bait and switch. You've been to
the great state of Washington, right? I have,
yes. Yeah, that's where Twin Peaks takes place,
right? Yes and no. Yes, they did some filming
there. I didn't mean film. But then apparently
it happened somewhere else. Does it take place
there or no? In the make -believe land of Twin
Peaks. I don't know, actually. I'm a terrible
fan. Let's say for this episode that it does.
Well, today we're going to be heading to the
state of Washington. Cool. All right. What do
we got going on out there? All right, so summertime
on Mount St. Helens. You're familiar with Mount
St. Helens, correct? It's a mountain. Named after
St. Helens. God damn it. All right. So somewhere
on Mount St. Helens, the trails and woods are
packed with hikers, campers, and families taking
in the mountain air. You know, you got beautiful
views, wind through the trees, the birds overhead.
It's pretty peaceful. It's so peaceful that the
wonder of it all almost makes you forget that
you're standing on top of a violent, unpredictable
force of nature that in the 80s decimated everything
in a 30 -mile radius of it. And that is kind
of the wonder of nature. It just makes you forget
that you're standing on a ticking time bomb.
Beauty and chaos. But before the eruption, before
the movie Dante's Peak, heck, even before 9 -11,
there was another story tied to this mountain,
one that turned a quiet stretch of what? Your
face. I mean, I just, I'm not sure of the timeline
between when Dante's Peak came out and 9 -11,
but when 9 -11 came out. but i'm gonna i'm gonna
revert to you the timeline expert and i i take
back the face i made yeah there um yeah but before
all that there was another story tied to this
mountain one that turned a quiet stretch of forest
into a place where many were too scared to even
enter because back in the summer of 1924 five
miners claimed that they were attacked in the
woods and miners isn't like hold on Yeah. Well,
they're probably both underage and mining, I
would imagine. Yeah, so five miners claimed they
were attacked in the woods, not by men or by
bears, but something else entirely. Something
they said came out of the trees in the dead of
night, and they were pissed. This week, Colby,
we're going to be covering the story of the Ape
Canyon attack. I assume you're not familiar with
this at all. I am not. I try to not familiarize
myself with anything before I come on to this
show. Yeah, that's fair. Because it makes it
a better experience. So no, I've never heard
of this. Okay. It sounds wild. So in the summer
of 1924, a crew of five gold prospectors, Fred
Beck, Marion Hank Smith. Hank's son Roy, Gabe
Lefevre, LeFarve? LeFever? I don't know. And
John Peterson set out deep into the wilderness
of Mount St. Helens to stake their claim near
a small rise known as Pummy Butte, about eight
miles from Spirit Lake. Pummy Butte. Pummy Butte,
baby. I mean, if Jeff Beck and Brett Favre want
to go on an adventure, who are we to stop them,
you know? That's where he comes up with all his
best material. I just love that this dude's named
Marion Smith, but he goes by Hank. Nowhere in
that name would you get the nicknames Hank. Very
progressive of him. I like that. So once they
set up shop and named their claim, they dubbed
it the Vander White Mine. And for the first few
days, everything was normal. Then things started
to get a little bit not normal. At night, the
men started hearing what they described as a
shrill, peculiar whistling echoing across the
ridges. It wasn't the wind, and it didn't sound
like any bird or animal that they could identify.
I mean, these dudes are like rugged -ass fucking
mountain men. They probably had a good idea of
what animals were around. You know what I mean?
They should probably be able to identify them.
Marianne the woodsman. Marianne the woodsman.
She knows. she's heard a bird yeah uh then came
the heavy thuds almost rhythmic like something
goes out in the darkness just fucking cranking
the talk dude no it's uh it was more like something
like pounding on his chest like kind of like
how a gorilla does or matthew mcconaughey yeah
uh you know what i'm talking about what those
those car commercials yes could you imagine oh
he'd be bigger than life so So it's not great.
So that's what their nights were like. Then in
the morning, they started finding footprints
around their little cabin. And these were like
enormous human -like prints. They were 14 inches
long and sunk deep into the soil. But they were
way too big to be a man's. They were too flat
to be a bear's. And they were spaced way too
far apart for anything, really, unless you're
on stilts or something. So it was like a human
-sized foot, but the span that they were walking
was really far? Yeah. Is that what we're talking
about? The footprint was 14 inches long, which
is way bigger than a human, unless you're Shaq,
I think. Right. Yeah. But they were spaced very
far apart. 14 inches. I feel like that's a nominal
distance. That's not too far. For a footprint
from heel to toe? What if I was running? I'm
not saying the 14 inches between the footprints.
I'm saying the foot itself is 14 inches long.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. All
right. Yeah. Yeah. So now armed with this information.
I got 10 and a half. Oh, I got 11. What? Yeah.
That's crazy. I have big feet for my height.
I have hobbit feet. So this is a great example.
This is a great example of how tracking can go
wrong. Yeah, but also, you know, it just means
I'm fucking hogged out, dude. You know what big
feet mean, dude? I know what size socks you got.
Could you imagine? One of them hobbit penises?
That's why they needed to make it back to the
Shire. Colby, you're making these faces. Remember,
this is an audio medium. No one can see the faces
you're making. Don't you... You don't do the...
The clips? You want me to clip? Now you want
me to clip, right? Fucking goddammit. Again,
self -serving. I mean, can you just put together
a compilation of me nodding a bunch? i got my
downfall on podcasts is i feel like people hear
me nodding all right let's get back to the story
all right so yeah so they were they were big
too big too flat to be a bear spaced way too
far apart for any thing normally uh so now armed
with this information the men did two things
one they just laughed it off because that's what
you do when you're a group of dudes in the middle
of nowhere and you're trying to act like you
aren't pants -shittingly terrified, and two,
started carrying their rifles with them everywhere
because that is also what you do when you're
in the middle of nowhere and you actually are
pants -shittingly terrified. Yeah, I'm going
to go to the bathroom real quick, but I'm going
to take my rifle fully loaded with me when I
go to the bathroom. Yeah, that's pretty much
how it went down. Not for any particular reason.
Yeah, I know. You never know, dude. I mean, there's
clearly not bears here. Just because. maybe maybe
if there is but i'm not scared yeah no and uh
and it just keeps getting worse each night like
the noises got louder and closer and then to
make things even worse than that uh the whistling
started to like overlap like one coming from
the ridge to the east another was answering from
the west and now they're starting to realize
that whatever is out there it's not alone so
now the tension and fear is at an all -time high
like they were jumpy They started sleeping with
their rifles instead of just carrying around
with them during the day. And then one morning,
while Fred, Beck, and Hank were out getting water
from a nearby spring, shit got real. Now, across
the small canyon from them, standing next to
a pine tree, was a massive, upright creature.
Dark hair, broad shoulders, and close to seven
feet tall. And it was just fucking eyeing them,
like staring straight at them. Beck and Smith...
Beck and Smith froze for a moment. Then Hank
did the reasonable thing and fired three shots
at the thing. Right. As they do. Right? That's
what I'm saying. As we always do. No, Beck swore
that he hit it, but instead of going down, it
just kind of ducked behind a tree, did a little
peekaboo type situation, and then it just fucked
off back into the forest. The two men, now terrified,
admittedly terrified, not just pretending they
aren't, decided that they should probably do
the same and hightailed it back to camp, white
as ghosts, rifles still in hand. And when they
got back, they told the others what had happened,
and everyone agreed that come morning, they should
probably get up on out of there. But, you know.
Hightail it. Yeah. Now, would it ever be that
simple? Not if it was a good cryptic cocktail
episode. Hell nah. So that night, the miners
bunkered down in their little shitty cabin for
what they thought was going to be their last
night on the mountain. Nobody was really sleeping.
They're just kind of laying there waiting for
the first sign of dawn so they could grab their
shit and get the fuck out of there. Then sometime
around midnight, boom, just a fucking massive
crash shook the whole cabin. Something gets slammed
into the outer wall so hard that it knocked the
chinking from between the logs. Now, for like
a split second, the men thought it must have
been like a fallen tree, like something fell
onto the cabin or fucking the mountain was erupting.
I don't know. That is until another massive crash
hit from the opposite side. Then another just
fucking boom, boom, boom. Then the cabin started
just getting absolutely pelted with rocks. Big
ones, too, like fist size and bigger. They were
hitting the roof, bouncing off the walls from.
every direction and it was relentless beck said
later on that it was like being caught in the
middle of a war zone yeah yeah they were they
they they might have been right i mean you got
these two creatures trying to have a conversation
they're yelling slurs they're they're mad at
each other they're pissed oh and then these people
right in the middle of it right and they're they're
picking up their transmissions and then they're
like you know what fuck these guys do you think
that we're gonna have an all -out war do you
think maybe these dudes were caught in the middle
of like a bigfoot like gang war like like a like
a turf battle bigfoot brawl a bigfoot brawl yeah
hell yeah dude a bigfoot brawl i don't know I
mean, it could have been. I mean, it's not what
happened, but I like the concept of... You're
not right. These dudes just catching strays.
But I appreciate your... Your imagination on
the subject. I mean, it could be. Maybe they
teamed up to fight the... I don't know. But anyways,
when the men looked through the gaps in the logs
to see who or what was causing all the hubbub,
they saw what could only be described as... not
great just these just these fucking absolute
massive shapes moving in the moonlight there
were four maybe five of them just massive upright
silhouettes covered in hair and built like fucking
refrigerators and they were fast like they were
just like they were just like spinning like circling
the cabin just howling pounding at the walls
throwing rocks so the men grabbed their rifles
and just started firing through any window gap
or hole they could find But it didn't stop the
attack. If anything, it just pissed these things
off. One of the creatures then climbed up onto
the roof and just started stomping and jumping
like it was trying to cave it in. So Beck and
Smith, they aimed straight up and just fired
up through the ceiling. And whatever was up there
let out a loud roar and rolled off the roof with
a thud. But that didn't deter the other three
or four. Fuck you, Harry Santa. You bitch. Get
off my roof. But yeah, it didn't slow the other
ones down because now they were pounding on the
door so hard that the hinges were starting to
break away. So now Roy Smith, Gabe LeFevre, however
you want to pronounce it, and John Peterson were
piled up against the door while Beck and Hank
were ripping boards off their bunks to try and
reinforce it. Then, out of fucking nowhere, One
of the squatches just fucking punches a hole
straight through the wall. Just fucking knocks
a huge chunk of log loose. And through the hole
came this massive hairy arm. And it's just like
blindly reaching, trying to grab anything. Then,
unfortunately, it got its fingers around the
handle of an axe that was propped up against
the wall. Of course it did. They left it perfectly
right there for Harry Hawaiian Punch Man to fucking...
Now he's armed with weapons. Yeah, well, it started...
It started pulling the axe through the hole,
but Beck was like, well, no, you can't have an
axe -wielding Bigfoot out there. So he grabs
the other end and had a bit of a little... tug
of war session for a minute before finally ripping
it free from the thing's grasp and as soon as
that happens hank runs over and then just starts
fucking shooting point blank into the opening
yeah hank's kind of a badass yeah yeah you gotta
jump into action and that was the time i mean
you got an opening take your shot shooter's gotta
shoot exactly now on the other side the creature
that was on the receiving end of the shots let
out this like high -pitched cry then yanked its
arm back through the hole which is understandable
i get it and this kept up for hours like every
minute there was another barrage of rocks that
would hit or something would slam into the walls
the door and the men just stood their ground
and returned fire whenever they caught a glimpse
of their eyes shining in the darkness now at
one point In a weird moment of, I don't know,
desperation, loss of sanity maybe, Hank just
started singing. I don't know if it was something
he was improvising or if this was an actual song,
but the lyrics were, if you leave us alone, we
will leave you alone, and we'll all go home in
the morning. Oh, it's so good. What an improv
line. You think he just had that locked and loaded?
Or you think he was just like, I got to make
something up right now? I don't know if he was
trying to calm himself down or if he was trying
to calm down the Bigfoots. If he was trying to
lull them into... Or maybe the best defense is
confusion. Maybe just stun them long enough with
your singing so you could fucking open fire on
them. Yeah, maybe that could be it. I don't know,
but I'm sure you're not expecting this. It works.
The pounding, the rocks, the attempted roof collapse,
like it all stopped as soon as he started singing
songs. I mean, if it didn't work. do you think
it would be such a crucial part of the story?
That would be amazing if like halfway through
the story was like, and this dude started singing
and then they got crushed. Well, I think it would
be a very essential part of the story if he started
singing the song and then he was the only one
that got murdered almost immediately by a Bigfoot.
Yeah. Yeah. Start singing. They're like, oh,
what is that horrible sound? Kill it. Kill it
more than we were trying to kill it before. They
bring in other Bigfoots. It's no longer four.
It's like 16 now, and they just fucking quarter
him. Bring in the reinforcements. This guy has
a terrible singing voice. But even though everything
had stopped, the men didn't let their guard down
for a second. understandable like they just stayed
put guns at the ready just waiting for first
light so they could get the fuck out of there
now when the sun finally cracked over the horizon
the forest was dead quiet like they they sat
there for a minute and just stared at the door
they were probably expecting like another fist
to come through it or something but when nothing
happened and all seemed clear they unbarred the
door and stepped out the cabin looked like shit
There were rocks scattered all around. The walls
were dented to shit. There was holes all in it.
And there was just like chaos all around. Then
Beck noticed something moving across the canyon.
About 80 yards away, standing right on the edge
of a cliff, was one of the creatures just watching
them. Now Beck, not one to hesitate, raised his
rifle, fired three shots. The creature staggered
backwards and then just tumbled straight off
the ledge and dropped nearly 400 feet into the
ravine. And with that, they were like, all right,
fuck that. They grabbed what they could and just
got the fuck off the mountain, which is probably
the smartest move they've made so far. I wonder
how long that time period was between when all
of the chaos stopped and then this creature just
decided, you know what? I'm going to go do hot
yoga on the side of this cliff, and I'm going
to just chill out for a little bit. And then
all of a sudden, he finishes his workout, and
he stands up and just bop, bop, bop. And then
he falls 400 feet into a ravine. You went so
hard up until that, and then you just got clapped
a couple times. I don't know. But imagine, what
if he wasn't even part of it? That's better.
yeah he's just waking up along with the rest
of the forest and he's like all right time to
you know just look out over the ravine oh there's
such a great he was the guy when the squatches
held their town meeting who was like no i'm all
about peace man let's not go after these guys
maybe they're really nice and they're like no
fuck you dude we're gonna kick their ass and
then He was in his hot yoga session, and he was
like, ah, peace and love, and then just got fucking
clapped off the side of a ravine. He was the
voice of reason in all of it, and he was actually
going out onto the cliffside to make sure that
the campers were still alive. He sees them come
out, sighs a breath of relief, and then immediately
just gets popped three times. That sucks, dude.
You guys okay? So, yeah, so they murked that
dude, and then they got off the mountain, and
they hiked as fast and as quietly as they could
until they hit Spirit Lake, where there's like
a ranger station there. So they barged in there
fucking dirty, exhausted, probably looking absolutely
insane, and they told the rangers everything.
The pounding, the rock throwing, the glowing
eyes, the arm through the wall. The men called
whatever was attacking them mountain devils,
which, not going to lie, makes you sound insane
no matter what, I feel like. Yeah. It's not a
great, yeah. Now, the ranger, to his credit,
he did listen and wrote it all down, but he didn't
buy it. But he did admit that the men were clearly
terrified, and whatever they had seen, it sure
did spook them. When the men finally made it
back down to Kelso, which is where they're originally
from, word had already spread, like within days.
The newspapers had headlines like, Fight with
big apes reported by minors from the Oregonian
and others that read guerrilla men terrorize
gold claim and mountain devils bombard prospector's
cabin. All pretty good headlines, if you ask
me. Yeah, word travels fast. Son of a bitch.
And with all this media attention happening,
this is where... You know, you get the normal
fun that begins. You got reporters, curiosity
seekers, and would -be monster hunters flooded
Mount St. Helens wilderness. Some were packing
rifles. Some brought elephant guns because apparently
you need, like, safari -level firepower to bring
down a fucking Bigfoot. I mean, if they had heard
about them firing just regular shots at these
things and they weren't getting taken down, I
think that's logical. We need more firepower.
That's pretty valid. Yeah, the papers dub this
the Great Ape Hunt of 1924. And apparently like
a dude from England even showed up for all this.
So it became like an international thing, I guess.
So that's fun. Now, spoiler alert, no one shot
a Bigfoot, which is a bummer. But one cool thing
to come from the attack is that the canyon where
the men made their stand against the evil Sasquatches.
is now officially known as Ape Canyon. It got
its name because of this incident, which is pretty
cool, I guess. Very cool. Yeah. Absolutely. I
mean, why name anything after, you know, I don't
know, some fucking politician when you can name
it after a fucking cool ape extravaganza that
happened where people almost died. That's way
cooler. Right? Now, at the same time that the
news broke about the attack in the papers and
everyone decided to go into the woods looking
for Bigfoot, Ranger William Welch and John Huffman
hiked up to the site to investigate. Now, they
found the cabin where the attack had supposedly
been, and it was a little battered, and it was
clearly abandoned in a hurry, but not the war
zone that the men in the papers made it out to
be. Like, they found, you know, a couple of rocks.
They found some footprints, but nothing crazy.
They didn't find any blood, no hair, and there
was no body at the bottom of the canyon where
Beck claimed that he shot one and it fell. You
know, who knows? I'm going to need blood and
hair. Maybe I'm going to need blood and hair.
Well, there was none of that. But maybe the Bigfoots,
maybe if one of them dies, they know and they
hide the body. I don't know. Oh, yeah. That's
just Bigfoot rule. Maybe. Hide the body. To the
Rangers, it just looked like five men scared
themselves into a frenzy and then just fucked
off. There was no real evidence. Now, back home,
the locals didn't buy it either. They figured
that the men were just pussies and got spooked
by a bear or they were pranked by locals that
were just throwing rocks at them from the canyon.
And they pretty much just got roasted about it
in the papers and by local police. Also, it turns
out that these five miners, they were like...
what's the word spiritualists like they they
were already they're a big believer in like paranormal
like they did like seances and like weird shit
like that so all right this is lining up i for
a second i was thinking these motherfuckers were
tripping right like they they drank a bunch of
ayahuasca they did some crazy shit and they're
like the apes the apes yeah so they were they
were already kind of The locals were already
primed to not believe their story when they got
back because who the fuck knows what was going
on. But, yeah, they did, like, seances. They
did all these fucking ghost shit. So not the
most credible witnesses or storytellers, I guess.
But still, every witness said that the men looked
genuinely terrified when they came back down
the mountain. But, again, that could just be
the fact that they were probably fucking tripping
balls and just had a really bad trip. The boy
on DMT who cried ape. You know what I'm saying?
But even with the skepticism and jokes, the story
of Ape Canyon is still talked about to this day.
Fred Beck, the one who claimed he shot the one
off the side of the cliff, he doubled down on
what happened and he insisted until his death
that it was all true. That something real attacked
them up there. Now, in 1967... This is like 40
-something years after the ordeal. Beck self
-published a short book called I Fought the Ape
Man of Mount St. Helens. It repeated the whole
night in detail. Really on the nose. It repeated
the whole night in detail, but with a new twist.
Are you ready for this? Now, Beck suggested that
the creatures weren't just physical animals,
but possibly... interdimensional beings. He thought
that they could move between planes of existence,
part of a spiritual realm, he said, and that
his group's shooting one might have triggered
the assault. And if I'm not mistaken, this is
where the whole Bigfoot is interdimensional stuff
came from. It came from this encounter. Okay.
I think this is the first mention of it. Cool.
Then when Mount St. Helens erupted in 1980, uh
ape canyon was buried under like layers of just
ash and fucking rock and shit but in the years
that followed cryptid hunters historians and
true believers all went like looking for proof
that the cabin ever even existed and in 2013
a team led by bigfoot investigator mark mursell
i think is how you pronounce his name i don't
care uh claim they found it or what was left
of it they found like some rusted nails uh broken
stovepipe They found some spent rifle cartridges
scattered amongst the dirt. It wasn't definitive
proof of a monster devil's attack, but it was
something. And today, hikers still trek through
Ape Canyon, and people tell the story all the
time. Now, whether you think the miners fought
a family of Sasquatches or they got pranked by
locals or hallucinated after too many nights
in the woods, it's a fun story. I mean, I don't
buy it, but it's fun. There you go, Colby. That
is the story of the Battle of Ape Canyon, I guess.
I don't know what you want to call it. How are
we feeling about it? Yeah, pretty cool. I'm definitely
leaning towards interdimensional. In any scenario,
if we could just take it to the absolute millionth
degree, it gets my pants tight. That's where
we're going? You're going to go interdimensional?
Yeah, I mean, because the only other route is
to say, honestly, until the end of the story,
I didn't even think that some locals were pranking
them. And they're just like, you know, these
fucking hippies, let's throw rocks at them. But
even if that's the case of it, locals pranking
them, that means that Beck shot two dudes. He's
like two counts of attempted murder. Beck's a
psychopath, dude. Yeah, which also holds some
pretty cool weight in my eyes. A dude should
be arrested. Yeah. But it could go either way.
I like both extremes. I'm sure it was somewhere
in the middle, logically. My sci -fi mind, you
know, wants it to be something interdimensional.
I feel like it's probably a combination of they,
since they were like spiritualists, they probably
fucking did some weird trippy shit and then locals
pranked them. It was like a simultaneous thing.
Oh. You know what I mean? Yeah, that makes sense.
They were probably tripping balls trying to talk
to fucking, I don't know, whoever spirit. Or
whatever. And then the locals were like, fuck
these dudes. And then just, you know? To me,
that's way funnier. And then they said, it's
the apes. It's apes. It's interdimensional apes.
I know it. I fucking know it. Can I just say
that naming your book, I Fought the Ape Man of
Mount St. Helens is so fucking good. Yeah. It's
so fucking funny, dude. Goddamn. But he's negating
all of the other, and honestly, shame on you
for assuming this ape's gender. What if it was
a bunch of ape women? Or maybe they're sexless
interdimensional travelers. They're all asexual
hairy beings. Fuck you, Marianne. That was a
different person, wasn't it? No, yeah, Beck and
Marianne were different. Beck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hell yeah. And then he went on to, you know,
just write a bunch of good indie music. Oh, shit.
All right, Colby. Well, that's my story. That's
all I got. That's it. So you're going... That's
a great story. Thank you for putting that together.
Well, so... The last time, not the last time,
but one of the last times you were on, we did
the Hopkinsville Goblins, which is one of my
favorite episodes. I don't know if you remember
that, where a bunch of little goblins attacked
that cabin and the family just started fire.
It's basically the same story, but with big foots.
That's why as soon as people start firing, I'm
like, yes, naturally. We fire at shit we don't
know. Absolutely. Yeah. As Americans, our one
thing is that if we don't understand it. just
fucking shoot it dude shoot it shoot it shoot
first ask questions later i don't care if it's
a gobbler or a squatch it's going down exactly
uh all right bud um yeah uh is there anything
um i said that's the story i'm gonna i'm gonna
do my thing and then you can plug your thing
and then we'll end the episode hell yeah um if
you want to follow us on instagram you can follow
us at cryptic cocktail follow us on tiktok cryptic
cocktail party leave us a five -star rating and
review wherever you can and um yeah colby what
do you got going on bud um well you can follow
uh my band lanterns on spotify we got some social
medias doing some weird shit on TikTok because
we're old as fuck. And maybe, you know, catch
a local show. Other than that, yeah, that's what
I got. And to be fair, it's not spelled lanterns.
It's lanterns, but with no vowels. Yeah, we don't
fuck with vowels. So if you fuck with vowels,
see you later. We'll fucking see you later, guy.
So it's L -N -T -R -N -S. Send the vowels packing.
Get him out of here. All right. So with that
out of the way, do you want to say goodbye? Sarge
normally says goodbye and I love you to the audience,
but I figured I'd let you take the reins on this
one. He says I love you? Yeah, he says goodbye
and I love you to the audience. So do you want
to do it? I also, I mean, I love you all. That's
very sweet, Sarge. Love you, Sarge. Love you,
audience. And go have fun. Go find a creature.