You are now listening to Cryptid Cocktail Party
Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of
Cryptic Cocktail Party, a show where we have
a few drinks, share a few laughs, take a dive
into the unknown. I'm your host, Dave. Once again,
not always joined by my wonderful co -host, Sarge.
Today, I have another special co -host, and that
is Brennan Storr. You may know him as the voice
from the Ghost Story guys, or at least one of
the voices. It doesn't matter. Anyways, how's
it going, man? What's going on? How's life? Hey,
man. I'm good. I'm good. I'm happy to be here.
I'm happy to be the discount Sarge for today.
Aw, don't. Don't say that. I'm Timu Sarge. All
right. I am totally fine with that. No, I'm good,
man. I was drinking red wine on my couch and
watching Beyond Skinwalker Ranch this morning,
and now I'm here, so it's a good day. All right.
Well, it seems like your day is just going to
be filled with just nonsense, and I love that
for you. It's going to be great. I'm a full -time
podcaster, man. All my days are filled with nonsense.
There you go. I'm glad you're doing good. I'm
glad you're here. Thanks again for taking the
time to do this for me. I know Sarge appreciates
it, and hopefully if the episode goes good, our
audience will appreciate it. Fingers crossed.
I mean, I can't see it going too bad. We've already
had technical issues and probably still are,
but who knows? It's going to be fine. Oh, 100%.
I'm just waiting to look outside my window like
Robert Pattinson and remember me to see a fucking
plane barreling towards me. Yeah, that seems
like it'll be pretty par for the course. For
anyone who remembers the film Remember Me. Yeah,
that was one hell of a twist ending. I don't
think I was expecting that. I know, right? Six
cents my ass. 9 -11. I think more films should
end with a surprise 9 -11ing. You know? The bad
news bears, the kids are celebrating. Bro, I
would go to the movies so often if I knew there
was a chance that one of those movies would have
another Surprise 9 -11. I just went to go see
F1 again the other day. Loved that movie, but
I'm telling you, Surprise 9 -11 at the end would
sure perk things up. Oh, fuck. Brad Pitt, we
won. Formula... Oh, the humanity. More like Formula
911, am I right? Formula 911. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Well, we're off to a good start. Great start.
I'm loving this. All right. All right, so real
quick before we get started, I just wanted to
give a super quick shout out to Fega and Offbeat
Philly. My wife and I were invited to check out
the Philadelphia's Forgotten Dead walking tour
last week, and it was... It was pretty cool.
It turns out that there are way more dead bodies
under your feet than you would think inside of
a city. And there's actually surprisingly a lot
less than the actual cemeteries. And that's because,
and I'm just going to quote here real quick.
You left the bodies and you only moved the headstones!
You only moved the headstones! No, but it was
super fascinating. The tour guide, Faygo, was
super cool. I can't remember all the stuff that
we learned, but my favorite takeaway from it,
and this has really nothing to do with the actual
tour, I just thought it was a really fun fact,
was I learned about the moon tree. Do you know
what the moon trees are? Is that something you
know of? No, that's a new one on me. All right,
so the moon trees, apparently it was like a bunch
of sycamore seeds were brought up into space
by an astronaut who has also worked for the forestry
department or something like that. And when they
got brought back to Earth, they were just given
to a bunch of cities. like all over the world
but uh but philly's was like the first sapling
to be planted and in true philly fashion it just
died so so so they got another sapling from the
original tree and then replanted it and that
also died so now there's just a plaque commemorating
nothing and it's fucking amazing that's that
has nothing to do with the actual tour i just
thought it was a really fun fact and for some
reason my brain retained that information more
than Anything else about it? I was going to say,
isn't Philadelphia also the city that killed
the hitchhiking robot? That is true, yes. We
don't do well with outsiders, apparently. That's
why they couldn't 9 -11 Philly. They would not
let that shit happen there. But I got a theory
because it was planted in Washington Square Park,
which I learned was at one point like a pauper's
pit and where they buried everyone during the
yellow fever epidemic. So my theory is that it's
probably a curse, but that's just me. But yeah,
anyways, if anyone listening ends up in Philly
or you already are, go check out Offbeat Philly
and do the Forgotten Dead Tour. It's super fun,
and I'll be sure to put a link to their Instagram
and stuff in the episode description. But yeah,
I just wanted to give them a quick shout -out
because it was super fun, and they allowed me
to come hang out for a while, so shout -out them.
Now that I've made so many jokes at New York's
expense, I should actually shout -out Burrows
of the Dead in New York. If you're ever down
there and you want to do a ghost tour, do Burrows
of the Dead. Is that kind of like the same vibe
almost? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Andrea James
runs it. She's a champion of forgotten history,
a hell of a researcher, great person too. Hell
yeah. Just good stuff all around. Yeah, so if
you're in Philly or New York, check out both
of these. All right, so you ready to dive into
this week's topic? I am. Okay, so. I'm sure you
know this. There are a lot of strange creatures
in American folklore. Some of them inspire fear,
like horrible monsters lurking at the edge of
town, predators that stalk the woods, or winged
demons that swoop down upon you in the dead of
night. Others, they inspire wonder. They're like
majestic, otherworldly beings that blur the line
between myth and mystical. But then, there are
some creatures that don't inspire awe or terror.
They inspire a more empathetic feeling towards
the creature. A creature that is less nightmare
fuel and more the punchline to like a really
dark cosmic joke. Oh, J .D. Vance. When you get
a second, Google J .D. Vance mural Philadelphia.
It's pretty great. But while you're doing that,
I want you to imagine a beast so pitiful, so
overwhelmed by its own appearance that it sends...
that it spends every waking moment, not roaring
or hunting or lurking in the shadows, but just
crying about how ugly it is. And if you ever
happen to corner one of these creatures, it won't
attack. It wouldn't even run. It would just cry
harder until it literally dissolved into a puddle
of tears right in front of you. We're doing a
show on Zach Bagans? Dude, that's awesome. I
can't wait. I'm excited. Close. Today we're going
to be talking about Pennsylvania's own... The
Squonk. Are you familiar with The Squonk at all?
I am familiar with The Legend of The Squonk.
Okay. Not intimately. I'm not as up on this stuff
as my esteemed co -host Paul on The Ghost Rehearsed,
but I am familiar with it. Look at me. Look,
if there's anyone who's going to be aware of
a sad, misshapen creature who is appalled by
the way it looks, it's going to be me. Professional
podcaster. Professional podcaster. Keep that
in mind. So this one might hit a little closer
to home than some of the other stories I could
have chosen to tell today is what you're getting
at. Maybe a little. If you hear me crying, just
push through. Gosh, all right. Now, we did cover
the squonk very briefly all the way back in our
Fearsome Creatures episode from 2023, but I feel
like we didn't really do him justice, and now
I kind of feel bad about it. So here we are.
We're going to give him the full episode treatment.
Spotlight is completely on him. So for those
of you listening who may be wondering, what exactly
is a squonk? The squonk is usually described
as a small, blubbery, pig -like animal with sagging,
ill -fitting skin. Think like Vincent D 'Onofrio
in Men in Black when he's wearing the Edgar suit.
It's kind of like that loose fitting and just
riddled with warts and moles. It has just the
saddest drooping eyes, a bulbous nose, and it
is well aware of the fact that it looks like
a depressed, hairless pug covered in poison ivy,
making it incredibly shy. You won't just see
these things just kind of hanging out during
the daytime. I assume it's because it doesn't
want to subject any other living thing to its
fucking grotesqueness. You got a question? You
good? Dave, not to interrupt, I was going to
say, I think you might have mixed up your notes.
You're looking at the paperwork for the Lindsey
Graham episode. Oh, fuck, you're right. God damn
it. Hold on, let me just switch over real quick.
God damn it. There's a part about the moles in
his butt that was like, this is all a little...
But like I said, the squonk is a very shy creature,
which makes it nocturnal. But it also avoids
moonlight at all costs. nocturnal because it's
like a vampire there's no vampire rules or anything
it's because it doesn't want to catch its own
reflection in a pond or a puddle or anything
uh and if it's if it's an especially bright night
it'll just sit under like a hemlock tree and
then gently sob until morning when it just goes
back to its depression nap i guess it's me leaving
the club every night in my 20s but here's that
that's really all there is to know about the
squonk it's ugly it's so ugly that it spends
every waking moment crying about it not in like
an angry way not in a scary way but in the same
way we all have at one point or another when
we weren't feeling particularly happy with our
own appearance at one point or another making
it super relatable but which i which yeah which
i think is why so many people like love this
little guy you can like empathize with it like
we've all felt like a squonk at one point another
making him one of if not the most relatable cryptid
in american folklore uh but just being ugly and
sad isn't really that remarkable in terms of
being like a fantastical beast uh what really
sets them like apart is it's one and only defense
mechanism so loggers claim that you could track
the creature through the forest by following
the The tear -soaked trail that it leaves in
its wake. And if you actually catch up to it
and attempt to trap or capture it, it won't run
or fight back. Instead, it just completely melts
down and literally dissolves into a puddle of
tears. Some hunters, like J .P. Wentling, who
supposedly lured one into a sack somehow. I don't
really know how. I think he just kind of said
he did. They say that after that happened, that
when they return and look inside, they find nothing
but... salty water and a few bubbles left behind
and that's really all there is to know about
the squonk the lore behind the squonk is kind
of like the story of annabelle it's not so much
the the the initial story like the lore it's
more the lore built around it i guess and we'll
get into all that but how are we feeling so far
about the squonk i'm feeling like i don't understand
why people are trying to kidnap this thing because
i just can't imagine that a short fat homely
little bugger who cries all the time is going
to be much fun or much good eating. Like, I don't
know if it's crying that much, you have to be
a psychopath to want to eat it. I mean, well,
we're going to get into those reasons why. So
you just hold your horses. We will. Oh, they
fuck it. I got you. No, but I mean, I'm sure
you wink. Hold on. So, but yeah, but like I said,
so that's all there is to know. But the history.
lore of how the squonk came to be, that's really
where the real story is, I feel like. And it's
actually kind of pretty fun. So you want to learn
about how we were blessed to live on the same
timeline at the same time as the squonk? Wild
me with the majesty of history, dude. All right.
So the legend of the squonk wasn't born the same
way like other folkloric beasts tend to come
about. There weren't any like supposed sightings
in the woods or like mysterious footprints that
someone found. The legend and lore surrounding
the squonk came straight out of the lumber camps
of the early 1900s. I'm sure I don't have to
say this, but being a lumberjack is pretty shitty
work. It's tough, it's dangerous, the days were
long and grueling. So at night, to pass the time,
back at camp, around the fire, having dinner,
the loggers would spin these ridiculous yarns
about bizarre creatures. And these quote -unquote
fearsome critters, as they would come to be called,
were just tall tales made up to either entertain,
scare the greenhorns, Kind of break up the monotony
of camp life. Boy, Chet, you know what I wish
I had right now? I wish I had a little teddy
bear that was sad that I could fuck. It probably
got very lonely. Yes, you are right. And thanks
to William T. Cox, a forestry official and amateur
folklorist, he was able to preserve these tales
before they disappeared altogether in his 1910
book, Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods,
which is where the squonk made its official print
debut. Like, this book rules, and Cox did, like,
a fantastic job of not only, like, being able
to preserve these stories, but having, like,
a sense of humor about it. Like, he did it with,
like, a mock seriousness, giving each of the
critters an official, like, Latin -sounding name.
Like, he did the whole thing. Like, the squonks
is lacrimocorpus dissolvans, which literally
translates to tear body dissolving. So right
away, the joke is built in, and this was never
meant to be taken as a real zoological thing
or even a cryptozoology thing. He was just having
fun with it, and I respect the hell out of him
for it. But anyways, according to Cox's book,
the squonk was limited just to the regions of
PA's hemlock forests, and he even credited the
story to a local hunter, the J .P. Wentling that
I mentioned earlier. The one that supposedly
cornered it and captured it and just ended up
with a boiling soup of tears and snot. But the
larger context of the squonk and lumberjack folklore
is the same as any other, like the hide -behind
or the hoop snake. It was created as... It was
basically a hazing tradition invented to fuck
with new loggers and make fun of the more gullible
members of the crew. They would tell the greenhorns
about the squonk and then try and... Sending
someone off to find a squonk in the woods was
basically a rite of passage for many of the uninitiated
who joined the crews. It was like the lumberjack
equivalent of like a snipe hunt pretty much,
if you're familiar with the snipe or anything
like that. Yeah, when I was a kid in shop class,
they used to send you to find headlight fluid
or a right -handed skyhook. Yeah, blinker fluid,
that kind of shit. Yeah, it's basically, it's
the exact, it's anyone who was... The younger,
uninitiated, more gullible, they would use stories
like these to just basically fuck with them or
just to entertain them. More than likely, it
was to fuck with them. And unlike some of the
more menacing and dangerous fearsome critters,
The Squonk stood out because it wasn't menacing
or dangerous at all. It was sad, hopeless, pathetic,
more of a joke than a threat, which is sad because
he's just a little guy and I love him, but it's
also the reason why it stuck around more so than
like... The Whirling Wimpus, which is just a
big gorilla that spun like the Tasmanian devil
and slapped you in the face until it fucking
broke off. I think we should bring back the Whirling
Wimpus, and I think there's a couple addresses
in Washington I'd like to go to. The Whirling
Wimpus is actually pretty gnarly. It's not ideal,
but it is pretty funny. But yeah, the story of
the squonk resonated with people in the way that
many of the other critters didn't. the tragic
nature of a creature that's sad ugly lonely it
turned it into kind of like a folkloric metaphor
for shame insecurity and even depression and
it was like that odd blend of humor and melancholy
that allowed the squonk to stay relevant after
all this time uh and like i said most of these
fearsome critters have faded into obscurity or
close to it unless they're like really into lumberjack
folklore you're not really going to know about
any of them but you're going to be familiar with
the squonk like the the squonk has endured the
test of time. Like for example, writer Jorge
Luis Borges, he included the squonk in his 1967
book, The Book of Imaginary Beings, putting it
right alongside like unicorns and dragons. Chemists
adopted the term chemical squonks to describe
unstable compounds that fall apart when isolated.
And even within the cryptic community, like the
squonk is universally loved and adored and is
a creature we all kind of collectively decided
needs to be protected at all costs. Like I would
die. For the squonk. I love this guy so much.
And also, I got to say, if you believe in the
whole Tulpa thing, that a bunch of people believing
in something can create it. the rise in popularity
of the squonk does correlate with the rise in
popularity of podcasters. That is true. So it
could be that we just thought a bunch of these
sad, neck -bearded motherfuckers into existence
by mistake. I feel like, I mean, the concept
of a topa in this case, I would feel so bad if
we accidentally willed something into existence
that literally does not want to exist. Like,
I feel like that's such a shitty thing to do.
Joe Rogan? That's fair. He just looks at himself
in the mirror every morning and goes, what am
I? Why was I made to feel pain? Oh, you know,
he cries almost consistently. Like once he's
a 100 % for sure. I'm telling you, we told Joe
Rogan's a squonk. He just he got waxed and he's
like, I don't belong here. He's the ultimate
imposter syndrome. It's sad because he used to
be. I used to like Joe Rogan, too. Like he used
to. I like news radio. News radio was fun. News
radio was great. It was a phenomenal show. But
the squonk love. It doesn't stop there. For a
creature that started pretty much as a prank
in the PA logging camps, this motherfucker has
carved a surprisingly big spot for itself out
in pop culture. Steely Dan slipped in a line
about squonk tears in their 1974 song Any Major
Dude Will Tell You, using it as a metaphor for
sorrow. And then just two years later, Genesis
devoted an entire song to the squonk on their
album called A Trick of the Tail. retelling the
tale of this sappy -ass beast as an allegory
for insecurity and isolation, with the band members
stating in interviews that members of the band
saw something of themselves in the squonk, a
creature mocked for its ugliness but still deserving
of sympathy. And then from there, the squonk's
reputation spread beyond obscure folklore books
and 70s rock songs. More recently, the squonk
has been featured in everything from literature
to gaming. It was featured in the Dungeon Crawler
Carl book series. And he even got his own trading
card in the Cryptid theme game, Cryptid Camp.
But nowhere is the Squonk's modern revival more
visible than right here in its home state. In
2023, right in the heart of Johnstown, Lisa Russell
and Joe Fogle launched Squonkapalooza, an annual
summer festival that has quickly grown into a
community staple, drawing in crowds from all
over the country for live music. Cryptid themed
art. And they even have a squonk compliment contest
where festival goers try to cheer up the squonk.
They actually just wrapped up this year's event
earlier this month. And from what I gathered,
it was amazing. And I wish I could have gone.
I was actually a sponsor for the very first one.
It was really cool. I went down there. It was
a ton of fun. I met a bunch of really cool people.
But it just proves that the Squonk has gone from
lumberjack lore to a regional symbol of resilience,
humor, and a shared humanity. Today, the story
resonates because it blends absurdity with relatability.
He's become a mascot for awkwardness, insecurity,
and survival through laughter. The Squonk has
come a long way from where he started and has
been reimagined as something more than just a
campfire prank and is now something more aligned
with kind of like the pumpkin alternative scene.
an icon or a symbol for anyone who's ever felt
like an insider, an outsider, or, you know, whatever
you want to call it. But anyways, I love the
guy and, uh, yeah, but that's it. This is a little
bit of a shorter episode, but that is, that is
the story of the squonk. How are we feeling today?
I love it. I really do. I think, I think the
squonk is a ton of fun. And the nice thing about
the squonk as someone who tells ghost stories,
you know, basically as my job at this point,
um, I like that everyone understands where the
boundaries of reality are with the squonk. Yeah.
Because everything else, someone who's hasn't
taken their lorazepam or whatever, starts to
lose the boundaries of what is and isn't real.
And they've got, you know, Slenderman was following
me into the bathroom or there's a rake hiding
underneath my car, like sideshow Bob. Yeah. And
it just, it becomes a bummer because like creepypasta
is a ton of fun. You know, my other show, Fear
Daily, that's creepypasta. That's basically what
it is. Like we write our own creepypasta. But
it really gets to be a bummer when people write
to you and they start telling you a story that
sounds like it was written by an AI that was
sort of half paying attention, kind of jerking
off with one hand while it wrote it. But no one
does that with the squonks. Like, no, the squonk's
not real and that's cool. No, I feel like that's
the best part. Like I said, William T. Cox did
a really good job when he wrote Fearsome Creatures
of the Lumberwoods because it's... written with
like you can tell it's kind of like a satirical
sincerity if that makes sense like he writes
it like it's an actual like like an actual textbook
almost like it's you got fucking like stats you
got the the latin names for everything and it
goes into like the biology and all that stuff
of the creatures what they do where they are
how they behave and move but it was just it's
just a fun way to like keep those lumberjack
traditions alive and i really appreciate for
1910s like it is like almost like a 1910s version
of a creepypasta like you know there was some
like greenhorn lumberjack reading that and being
like what the fuck am i gonna have to deal with
are you kidding me right now And as someone who
grew up in a lumber town, I grew up in a mill
town up in the mountains in rural Canada. I got
to say, as far as lumberjack traditions go, I
think carrying the squonk forward is way better
than the other lumberjack stuff I remember, like
hitting your kids. That is true. It is definitely
a less traumatic tradition to keep alive. Driving
drunk, hitting your kids, you know. undercooking
meat at barbecues. These might be some core,
some core memories I'm sharing here, but yeah,
the squonk I think is a way better approach.
Hell yeah, man. Well, yeah, that's, I mean, that's
all I got. The squonk isn't like, there isn't
like, again, there isn't a lot to it. It's not
like, cause it's not real and no, no one pretends
it's real. Like no one ever, like there's no
stories. There's no people going in the woods.
Like I saw a squonk. Like everyone knows that
it's just kind of like an allegory for loneliness.
I respect that. Yeah, it's great. It's one of
my favorites. So relatable. What's really interesting
about the squam too, I think, is that it comes,
like coming from Pennsylvania, like you guys
have such a rich paranormal history. Like Pennsylvania
is probably one of the most storied states in
the union in terms of weird shit happening. And
so I think it's so fascinating that one of the
most famous stories from that state is something
that's not real at all. And everyone's like,
no, it's really not real at all. Yeah. It's a,
cause usually people are just climbing over themselves
to, to pimp out the Jersey devil or, or whoever,
but Pennsylvania is, it's got a big old, big
old salami swinging down. It's between its knees
and it's like, I don't got to show off. I know
what I am. Yeah. That's a, that's, it's kind
of humbling it away. I feel like for everyone
else, it's, you know, you don't got to make up,
I mean, you can make up stories, but like. Why
does yours have to kill cats and murder people?
Can't it just be sad and cute? It doesn't have
to be aggressive or angry. Just be a dude. It's
all it needs. Yeah, Squonk doesn't go to the
gym. Squonk's just sitting there quietly on Tumblr
writing fan fiction and keeping to himself. Yeah,
you know he's probably thinking he's another
Ken. He probably writes other Ken. Fanfic about
being a dragon or something. Something cool.
Something not Squonk. Yeah. Exactly. You know,
Squonk saw Remember Me in theaters. That's why
he's so sad. All right, man. Well, that's it.
That's all I got. Normally, I would plug my stuff,
but I'll give you the opportunity to plug whatever
it is you want to plug. Say whatever it is you
need to say, and then we'll say goodbye. All
right. Yeah, no. It's been a ton of fun, man.
If you like the various really upsetting jokes
I've made on the show, or at least whatever Dave
leaves in, you can find me over at The Ghost
Story Guys, where everywhere fine podcasts live.
I'm LargerTheTruth on Threads, Instagram, Blue
Sky, and Letterboxd. And if you like horror fiction,
you can find the show I co -write, Fear Daily,
with Brandon Sheck -Snyder, everywhere. fine
podcasts live. And that's a daily horror fiction
podcast, two stories a day, five days a week.
And, uh, it is, uh, it's a lot of fun. It's,
it's all of a show. Brandon does a great job.
Again, I only, I write about half of it, but,
uh, he does, he does the rest and just knocks
it out of the park. So if you like creepy pasta,
fear deli is the place. Hell yeah. And I'll,
I'll be sure to leave. Links in the episode description,
all that stuff. And if you want to follow us
on Instagram, it's at Cryptic Cocktail. Follow
us on TikTok, Cryptic Cocktail Party. We got
a Patreon. I don't remember the tiers. It's actually
going to change up really soon because I'm bad
at keeping up with it and I feel bad making people
pay more for things that they get sparingly and
that's pretty shitty of me and I don't want to
seem like a fucking podcast grifter at this point.
So keep an eye out for... For me updating that.
It'll be cheaper. More accessible. But you know.
As pretty much a one person producer. It's hard
to do all this. And then do extra content. And
then make sure it gets put up. It's aggressive.
I feel you man. I'm forever trying to keep up
with my shit. Because I do a show a week. And
then I also try to do one piece of bonus content
a week. Try. Keyword try. And you can ask my
patrons how good I am at that. All right. With
all that out of the way, normally Sarge says
goodbye and I love you to the audience, but do
you want to say goodbye and I love you to the
audience? Goodbye, audience, and I love you.