You are now listening to Cryptid Cocktail Party
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode
of Crypto Cocktail, part of your show where we
have a few drinks, share a few laughs, take a
dive into the unknown. I'm your host Dave, joined
as always by my wonderful co -host Sarge. How's
it going Sarge? Oh man, I'm fucking fired up
buddy. You sound fired up. It's been one hell
of a week. Yeah? Yeah. We bombed Iran, which
is not great. However, they called it Operation
Midnight Hammer, which incidentally is the name
of my erotic novel. Found a loophole, Dave. I
found a loophole. I'm not going to lie. The name
of my erotic novel is way better than the name
of my sex tape. I think that is so much funnier.
Even if you just said erotic fan fiction, that's
just as good. But no, I mean, we had two weekends
of pride bookending my week of shit. So I actually
I did the Boston Pride March last week with my
with my company. And this week, a buddy from
Narragansett met up with me. I was down at the
brewery and then we went to pride in matching.
Bigfoot outfits and Bigfoot was all rainbow colored
and neither one of us thought for a second that
anyone would consider us a gay couple. That was
my first thought when I saw the picture. I even
showed it to my wife and I was like, ooh, these
two look like two bears that are madly in love.
There's no way around it. There was one very
tall man in cowboy boots, tiny, tiny shorts and
a cowboy hat and he said, oh, you're matching.
You two have been together a long time. I cannot
wait to post. I'm posting that photo, by the
way. I hope you don't mind. I'm fine with it.
Love is love, you guys. Cam is a beautiful man.
I would be honored. But to those of you who are
listening to the show right now who were at Pride,
thank you for having such an amazing event. Pride
in Providence. I hate to say it because I'm from
boston but pride and providence is so much more
fun i can imagine way more people the parade
is a little bit shorter which is actually i think
a good thing because the pride parade in boston
had 250 floats in it oh my god i mean that's
250 like groups um and so i was at the starting
line And we waited two hours before we even started
moving because the floats took so long to actually
get to the finish line. I would get bored. So
I would get bored so fast. Oh yeah. I was like
reading the news. Yeah. My daughter's yelling
at me cause she just wants to start marching,
you know? Anyway, it was a really good time though.
Providence is amazing. It's a beautiful city.
I think should, should deserve the name gayest
city in America. Just for how, fucking cool their
pride is it's amazing anyway uh so i'm super
pumped up about that uh gave out tons of cryptid
cocktail party stickers uh i was very excited
to have those dave you're gonna get a whole bunch
of them soon hell yeah and they were so popular
we're actually gonna make more And on some of
them, we're actually going to put the podcast
on it, the podcast name, so that people know
where to look. I thought about that when Cam
asked me for the artwork, and I was like, should
I put like a Spotify and Apple link, like something,
or like figure out a way to put like a QR code
on the back or something? Yeah, that's what I
was thinking too, but oh well. But I was at work,
and I was like, I'm not going to figure that
out. And when I say that's what I was thinking
too, I don't mean that I was thinking that beforehand.
It was while we were handing them out. I'm like,
oh yeah, there's no reason for anyone to follow
the podcast based on this. But we met some cool
skateboarder kids and they loved them. So overall,
amazing night, good times. And to the lady that
wished me a happy gay pride, you don't have to
say the gay part. We all know. We got out of
the Uber in our matching outfits with rainbow
headbands. And this obvious straight woman in
a cowboy hat looked at the both of us and said,
happy gay pride. And I was like, gay pride. It's
good to be specific. Okay. Yeah. Cause it would
have been alarming if I got out and she said,
happy white pride. Yeah. So it's good to be uncomfortable
with that. Yeah, that's true. Cause just saying
pride, even though we all know what it is, it's
pretty ambiguous. It could be problematic depending
on who's saying it. Could be anything. Now, the
fact that she was wearing a rainbow cowboy hat
kind of probably would have given what you just
said. But at the same time, who knows? In today's
climate. I want to know. So there was a guy standing
in front of us at the parade wearing a thin blue
line t -shirt. Okay. And in the blue line, it
said, we the people. And I was thinking to myself.
What the fuck are you doing here? How are you
still alive? Cops can be gay. I mean, I don't
think a gay cop is going to wear a thin blue
line shirt. I'm pretty confident that this gentleman
just was wildly unaware of what he was doing.
Like he was probably like on vacation. He's hanging
out in Providence and he's like. Oh, all these
really snazzy dresses are watching these people
dance by. I wonder what's going on. I mean, I
don't know. That is a bold fashion choice. Yeah,
at a Pride parade in 2025. Yeah, that's pretty
good. All right. Sorry to take up so much time
talking about it. It was just such an amazing
night, and I wanted to thank all the people who
followed us and jumped on to be a part of our
podcast. Hopefully we don't offend you. I don't
think we will. We might. Possibly. Not this episode,
anyways. Future episodes. It's a good chance.
Or two episodes back, if you're listening. Are
we talking about the sailors? It's really where
you start listening that could be problematic
for some of you. You'll know why I'm not allowed
to say name of my sex tape anymore, at least.
Yeah, but dude, fucking the name of my erotic
novel is so good. I'm going to use it sparingly,
but it's my loophole. Oh, yeah, because I think
that's the name of my erotic novel and or erotic
fan fiction. That's one of those ones where you
have to use it at the right time, I feel like.
Yeah, it has to be perfect. Yeah, or else it
just loses that fucking punch. All right, sorry.
Operation Midnight Hammer. Are you ready to dive
into today's episode? I am so ready. This is
a nightmare. I kind of got ahead of myself while
riding it, and I buried the lead until the very
end. You got over your skis, as they say. I don't
know what that means. I don't think that's a
real sign. Apparently, it means that you bit
off more than you could chew, and other analogies
and euphemisms as well. Okay. Is it like a gen...
No, weirdly enough, it's an old people thing.
You hear it on the news all the time. Donald
Trump is over his skis on this. Oh, like skis?
Like S -K -I? Yeah, like when you're skiing down
a hill. Oh. I thought it was S -K -E -E -Z. Like
a fucking... Oh, skis. I mean, I think it's an
appropriate... way to refer to donald trump because
he is always leaning forward like he just went
off a ski jump that's actually pretty good all
right right yeah we're eight minutes in let's
fucking let's start rolling okay all right so
today starts we're gonna be heading to glasgow
glas i should probably figure people get weird
about pronunciations is it glasgow glasgow scotland
i think it's Glasgow. Glasgow. All right, so
today we're going to be heading to Glasgow, Scotland,
and if anyone has a problem with the way I'm
pronouncing it, please write me a strongly worded
email at crypticcocktail at gmail .com. Now,
besides Highlander, Groundskeeper Willie, and
whiskey, what do you know about Scotland, or
I guess Glasgow in general? Well, I know about
Scotland that they love fried food. Who doesn't?
Scotch eggs are delicious. yeah i mean everything
scottish is kind of cool you know what i mean
um i know that the movie braveheart was wildly
inaccurate uh i know that bagpipes didn't originate
there but they definitely uh claimed them so
that's good even if they didn't originate there
they definitely perfected it they did and honestly
if you play bagpipes at a funeral i don't even
if i hate you i'm gonna cry so It's true. Amazing
Grace on bagpipes. I'm done. It's game over for
me. And just, you know, overall, very funny people.
The movie Trainspotting is fucking phenomenal.
Trainspotting is so good. Yeah. I can't remember
the name of the author, but he's written a couple
of books that I've read and I really liked them
all. Okay. So that's all you know? Yeah. North
of England. Freedom. All right. Well, today we
face paint. Something like that. Well, today
we're going to be heading back in time to Glasgow
in the 70s. And to paint a picture of what the
city was like during this time, well, back then
it was pretty rough. It was soaked in booze and
full of people who either wanted to fight you
or drink with you more often than not. It was
usually both. Now, the city back then was split
up by class, religion, and old grudges nobody
ever really let go of. Some neighborhoods had
beautiful old homes, while others were all crumbling
flats. boarded up buildings and it's those kinds
of places where stories tend to originate and
fester and one of those stories and the topic
of today's episode is about a man or maybe something
pretending to be a man bald skeletal twitching
and grinning like his face is being peeled off
in slow motion he would show up in the dead at
night sometimes under a street lamp and other
times at the foot of your bed contorted leering
and then poof just gone so Today, Sarge, we are
going to be covering the deeply unsettling legend
of the Gurning Man of Glasgow. Are you familiar
with this at all? No, but it sounds like a horror
movie I want to watch really bad that's going
to get screwed up by the guy who did the Conjuring
franchise. Well, first of all, the reason why
the Conjuring franchise got screwed up is because
the titular characters were, in real life, frauds
and terrible people. That's where my problem
was. Yeah, the worst kind of people. Yeah, that's
true. Yeah, so lucky for us, Zach Baggins came
along and fixed that problem right away. Too
bad Annabelle's missing. Did they ever find Annabelle?
You heard that Annabelle the doll went missing,
right? No, I didn't know it went missing. How
do you fucking lose a haunted doll? Because it's
fucking haunted, man. Let me see if I got this
straight. This is a fucking doll. When you try
to throw it in the trash, it shows up back in
your house. Yet somehow they lost it. Well, they
brought it on tour. Morons. These people are
morons. Yeah, they brought it on tour and then
I can't remember where it was. Thankfully, it
wasn't Philly. Philly has an affinity for just
ruining things that are on tour. But yeah, it's
just gone. I think they found it. I never followed
up with it because in my mind, it's way funnier
to believe that it's just out there causing fucking
chaos. Just a raggedy and I'll just getting in
a Walmart behind a stack of paper towels. Yeah.
I mean, I like to think of it as I think like
to think it's on Bourbon street and fucking new
Orleans, just getting fucking white girl wasted
shit face. Yeah. Dude, it's been in a fucking,
I'll curse you. I'll curse you right now. I'm
not afraid. I'm not afraid of you. All right.
So back to the gurning man. Um, Oh, for anyone
knows what it's called, the gurning man. I had
to figure out what gurning means because I thought
maybe they just misspelt grinning at first. But
apparently to gurn is to make like a really contorted
gross face. So it's the gurning man, which makes
the name way worse. It's also kind of like a
good way to describe the face you make when you
orgasm. Sarge? It's like a better one than vinegar
strokes. Yeah, you're going to hold on to that
thought. Oh, no. So the first known encounter
with the Gurney Man, or at least the first one
ever really talked about, happened in the spring
of 1976 in the Cross Hill neighborhood of Glasgow's
South Side. It was around midnight. Two teenage
girls were walking home from a party when they
spotted something up ahead underneath the street
lamp. Now, at first, they thought it was just
a guy standing there. He seemed a little twitchy,
a little weird. But I feel like that's kind of
expected for a Scotsman standing under a street
lamp at midnight. You know what I mean? Yeah.
I did see train spotting, so I agree with you.
Yeah. Now, it wasn't until they got a bit closer
that some of the details about this man started
becoming clear. And none of them were good. He
was completely bald and thin as hell. Like, unnervingly
thin. Like, it's not great. It looked like his
bones were trying to escape from his skin. Like,
that's how... skinny he was he was wearing what
one of them described as a black leotard which
all right hold on so this description it only
gets worse from here but just up to this point
i feel like this is probably the last thing that
i would want to see if i was like a drunk teenage
girl walking home at night like i feel like i
kind of saw a guy who looked like this last night
at pride a lot of leotards down there yeah but
i feel like at night midnight You're a teenage
girl with your friend walking home. This is not
a great sight to see. Dude, I'm a fucking grown
-ass man, and I would run in the other direction.
Yeah. Now, the worst part is that he wasn't just
standing there. He was moving all weird. He was
fidgeting, twitching. Like, herky -jerky. Not
really. It was almost like dancing, but, like,
twitchy. Like, I got to pee real bad, kind of.
You know what I mean? Okay, yeah. Yeah, and accompanied
with the movements were the sounds that he was
making. It was described as a mix between grunting,
snorting, and choking, kind of like a pug, but
like if a pug was a sex pest, kind of. Oh, so
he's masturbating. He was masturbating. Okay,
that makes a lot more sense. Now the twitching
makes a lot of sense. But what really stuck out
to these poor girls was his face. They said it
was twisted into this just like horrible pain
smile and not like a happy smile or even like
an injured cold kind of smile. It was more like
he was trying to smile through a stroke. Yeah,
like a Melania Trump smile. Just too big, too
wide, not human. Yeah. Now, one of the girls,
either the braver or the drunker of the two,
called out to him and asked if he was all right.
He didn't say anything. He didn't even blink.
He just screamed this high -pitched animal shriek.
He screamed this high -pitched animal shriek
and then started lunging towards them. So they
ran fucking hard. Yeah, I'm out. I'm out, dude.
And then one of them looked back, probably to
figure out how much time they still had left
on this mortal coil, but he was gone, just not
there anymore. And there weren't any alleys.
There wasn't any open doors to pop into, nothing
to hide behind. He was just gone. Now, just a
few nights later, literally down the street from
where these girls had their encounter, a middle
-aged woman in Cross Hill had her own run -in
with the gurney man, and this one is undoubtedly
worse. It was early in the morning, around 3,
4 a .m., which is arguably the worst time of
night. Like, nothing good ever happens in that
time frame, I feel like. Agreed. Yeah. So she
woke up to a weird sound. It wasn't like a loud
sound. It was more just like wrong. Like at first
she thought it was just like her husband snoring,
but very quickly realized that the snorting was
the same nightmare mouth sounds that the two
girls heard. It wasn't coming from next to her.
It was coming from the foot of her fucking bed.
Oh, no. So. Oh, no. I hate it. So instead of
doing what I would do in this scenario, which
is pull the covers over my head and pretend like
nothing is wrong, she looked down and there he
was, a bald, grinning man just standing there,
his face all twisted up in that same pain smile.
And to add even more horror into the mix, he
was rubbing his chest in a slow, obsessive way,
just running his hands across himself like he
was trying to either soothe himself or kind of
like he was getting off on the terror he was
inflicting. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the good news
is at least he wasn't buffing the musket. You
know what I mean? True. I guess that would make
it worse. But also, would it though? I feel like
if you're making those sounds. At least I get
it. This is just like. Just standing at the foot
of the bed. He's like, oh, we've been trying
to reach you about your warranty. Yeah, it's
like it's given like it's kind of like it reminds
me like Buffalo Bill, but like. I don't know.
Now, I'd fuck me. Goodbye, horses. Dude, I listened
to that song. fairly regularly i love that fucking
song and it's not just because it's a great song
but also because it makes me laugh when i think
about the implications of listening to that song
in my car with the windows down on a random street
in my neighborhood that's pretty good i think
i'm at a stoplight and goodbye horses is on i
have no problem rolling down the window all right
so you got this fucking gangly dude stroking
his chest probably pinching his nipples or whatever
standing at the foot of her bed just yeah yeah
now she froze couldn't move couldn't scream that
is until he locked eyes with her that's when
she lost it and finally just like let loose now
her husband jolted awake like his dick was on
fire he flipped on the bedroom light ready to
fucking throw hands but the gurning man was already
gone and not gone as in like he ran out the door
gone like he was never there there was no open
windows no unlocked doors no scuffed floors or
muddy footprints in the house he was just gone
now after her encounter like that was it for
her she was like i'm done and according to the
story the family moved out the house not long
after they packed up and got out of cross hill
altogether and i mean yeah i get it i'd probably
do the same yeah you gotta think like something
has to be really fucking terrifying to move out
because like when we think about like horror
stories and people living in haunted houses.
And you're like, why don't you just move out?
But like, here's the deal. Like that's fucking
expensive to buy a new house and you got to pick
up all your shit. How do you do that? And also,
if you don't want to be there, you have to like
get a hotel room and get, yeah. Or get an apartment
while at the same time, probably still paying
off the house. That's haunted. Exactly. While
trying to buy a new house. Yeah. It's not like
moving your apartment. Like when you live, live
in a house, you have like, decades worth of shit
at some point yeah and i feel like in in the
1970s in glasgow or even in america like you
weren't renting houses like that wasn't this
i feel like that you might be able to but i feel
like you might have been like back then council
or something a council estate and like the government
was helping you or whatever but you know back
then i feel like you either owned the house or
you rented a flat like you weren't there was
yeah exactly so this person probably owned this
house and they're like i saw a fucking I saw
Christian Bale in The Machinist standing at the
foot of my bed, slowly roughing his chest. I
saw Stephen Miller daydreaming about catching
illegals at the foot of my bed. Oh, Stephen Miller.
He's getting cucked by Elon Musk, and I think
that's the funniest fucking thing. Imagine being
cucked by Elon Musk. I'm sorry to sidetrack,
but just imagine how awful you have to be that
Elon Musk is more attractive than you are. I
think about it all the time. That's what gets
me off. Oh, gross. So the third major sighting
happened sometime in the late 70s. I think it
was like 79 or something like that. And it came
from an elderly woman just going about her nightly
routine of putting out her milk bottles for the
morning delivery. This is back when that was
still a thing, apparently. Now, just a simple
harmless task. On this night, unfortunately,
no, not really. So as she was putting out her
bottles, she noticed something out of place.
She heard like a clinking sound, like the sound
of someone kicking glass. And when she looked
up, she saw him, the same tall, bald, twitchy
nightmare right there in the middle of the fucking
road. So the worst part is that he wasn't just
standing there. He was jogging in place, but
it seemed almost involuntary, more like spasming.
It was like a jerky, frantic and uncomfortable
to watch, she said. He was wearing the same tight
black outfit. His face was twisted up in what
she said looked like rage or pain or maybe both.
And when they locked eyes, just for a second,
that's when he started to move towards her. Now,
not a walk, not a run, but a lunge. She let out
a terrible scream, and just like that, Poofy
was gone, just blinked out of existence, and
reality spat him back into whatever void he came
from. And now it's just her, standing there on
her step. clutching her milk bottles, trying
to process what the fuck just happened. So from
1976 to 1979, there were at least 17 reported
sightings of the Gurning Man, and those are just
the ones that were reported. 11 of those sightings
were outdoors, on the streets of Cross Hill and
the surrounding neighborhoods. The other six
were indoors, inside people's fucking houses.
Ugh. Not great. This dude really gets around.
Yeah. Now, every report followed pretty much
the same basic formula. a spindly bald man in
tight dark clothing usually described like a
leotard or something you'd expect like a haunted
mime to wear his face was always contorted into
the same inhuman grin and he always moved like
he was glitching he would snort grunt twitch
sometimes kick kick objects or rub himself like
he was getting off on the fear it's so fucking
weird yeah and he only showed up like At night,
between 9 p .m. and 4 a .m., almost like he was
a demon working third shift. It's not the best
shift, but hey, you got to make money somehow.
He just got out of his job as the security guard
for Sainsbury. I know British stuff. But the
part that bothered people the most, well, not
the most, but... I guess what's frustrating,
I guess, is that he always disappeared. You can't
catch the guy if he's popping in and out of existence.
The second someone screamed or turned on the
light, he was just gone. Where are you at? How
are you feeling? I fucking hate this. I mean,
the thing is, this is terrifying. Objectively
terrifying. Except for the fact that I keep reminding
myself he was wearing a leotard. Yeah. Which
is the least horrifying outfit. I can think of.
So they described it as, like, I don't know,
I mean, obviously there's no fucking photos of
this thing, so I don't know, like, if that's
really what it was, but I guess, I mean, I feel
like if it's 1970 -something, you know how to
describe clothes at that point. Like, it's not
like, it's not like this was the 1800s and they're
trying to describe something from the future.
Like, they had leotards in the 70s. Yeah. Yeah,
so that's pretty funny. That's actually deeply
funny. He's like, I'm scared of him. But at the
same time, I'm like, why are you wearing that?
You could just wear like a button -down shirt
and it would still be scary. Like, what are you
doing, buddy? I mean, I guess if you're doing
calisthenics in the middle of the road, just
fucking run to the place. Yeah, that's true.
It's just a really motivated jogger. Yeah. You
need that range of motion to be able to, you
know, fucking herky jerk. The thing is, every
time he lunges at someone, that's not out of
malice. It's just when the pre -workout kicked
in. True. But also, now that I think about it,
he's wearing a leotard. Maybe his lunge is like
when you do lunges at the gym where you take
a big step. I know I'm dating myself here, but
I keep thinking of when Mike Myers did sprockets.
when he was Dieter like it would be great if
the gurning man had like a very effeminate German
accent oh man hello I am the gurning man would
you like to dance so one thing I didn't mention
is that all of these were reported allegedly
to the police now the police useless as always
uh yep naturally tossed out a theory that the
indoor encounters might have just been interrupted
burglaries but what kind of burglar just stands
at the foot of your bed grinning and rubbing
his chest instead of you know robbing the place
he's again while wearing a unitard and not holding
a bag yeah there's also the fact that nobody
ever reported missing items there was no forced
entry no broken locks Unless the dude had like
a David Blaine level escape plan. Like how was
he getting out so fast? That's the thing is he
just fucking disappears. Like everyone, when
everyone who comes to you says the guy just dematerialized
right in front of my eyes. Like old men who are
that skinny don't really have the muscle mass
to fucking jump out a window. Yeah. Clearly this
is something more horrifying. Yeah. I mean, but
also like that only. That only maybe explains
the six indoor encounters, not the 11 other outside
ones. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. But also, then
there's also the one really uncomfortable detail
about all this, and that's that every single
witness was a woman. Most of them alone. Some,
like we mentioned, were teenagers. Some were
elderly. Almost as if the gurning man didn't
just appear at random, but targeted his victims.
Like, he was a prowler. Here's the thing, though.
By the time that 1980s rolled in, the sightings
just stopped. Well, yeah, because by the 80s,
everyone was wearing black leotards and listening
to Joy Division. There was no arrest, no answers,
just a creepy little hole in Glasgow's heart
where a monster used to be. There were no new
reports, no fresh encounters. People either moved
on or convinced themselves that it never really
happened to begin with. Years passed, then decades.
The yearning man became one of those local weird
tales, like half forgotten, half laughed at,
until eventually it just stopped getting told
at all. So you would think that after decades
of silence, the legend would have died, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Well, of course. In the early 2000s,
rumors started bubbling back up again. A few
folks were whispering about seeing a strange,
twitchy man lurking around Queens Park. Thin,
bald. dressed in black. But those early reports
are hazy. There was no names, no details, but
just enough to get people talking again. And
then in 2017, which is too recent for me, two
actual encounters were reported. The first came
from a young woman walking through Queens Park
around 9 or 10 p .m. She was passing by some
parked cars when she noticed someone wedged between
a van and a car. A jogger who just got stuck
in a traffic collision. He's fucking pinned.
It's like signs for the lower half of the body.
If we move the cars, they're just dead. Yeah,
he's done. He's wedged between a van and a car.
He was disturbingly thin, bald, and dressed in
tight, dark clothing with a neckline so low it
was, and I quote, almost revealing his nipples.
Oh, man. I love that he's wearing a V -neck that
is so deep it's writing its own poetry. Amazing.
And the moment they locked eyes... Love a deep
V. Who doesn't love a deep V, dude? And the moment
they locked eyes, he went into full freak mode,
I guess. I don't know how... He started groaning
and snorting and rubbing his chest. His face
twisted into the same contorted pain grimace.
He's just hitting all the classics at this point.
Now, she backed away and then took off running.
But when she looked back to make sure he wasn't
like gaining on her again, he was just gone.
Now, later that same year, a group of teenagers
were hanging out in Queens Park at night when
one of them noticed something moving in the bushes.
Never a good sign. So another girl shined her
phone flashlight into the dark. And there he
was, a bald skeletal man crouching among the
branches, watching them. And then the second
the light hit him, he did all the signature moves.
We've been through it enough. You know what they
are. So trademark dance. Yeah. So they screamed.
Then they ran. And then one of them tried to
snap a photo, like either as a memento or evidence.
It's unclear. But when she turned around, he'd
already vanished. So you got two sightings in
the same area, same behavior, same leotard. The
only difference now is that he was described
as old. I didn't mention this, but the first
Queens Park witness guessed that he was anywhere
between 70 and 90 years old. It's as if the girding
man had kept... It's as if he kept existing all
this time, just out of view, if that makes sense.
Imagine if he was just like some interdimensional
traveler. and he kept getting stuck here, and
the whole reason he was doing all this is he
just really needed to pee, but he can't find
a place to do it. Or maybe you can't pee in another
dimension. Maybe there's something about it.
Yeah, he's just got to hold it. He's been holding
it for fucking 50 years. Well, I guess this is
a good point as any to start. This is a good
jumping off point into our first theory of what
this thing fucking is. Yeah. And now that we
know that he got old, maybe the gurning man was
just a dude. How do you feel about that? I mean,
I don't know what Rudy Giuliani is up to, but
it sounds like you're describing him. Yeah, it's
pretty close. Horrifying. Yeah. You know what,
though? Rudy's kind of a pudge. He's a bit of
a pudger, though. Well, now, when he was back
when he was 9 -11's mayor. Oh, yeah. No, he was
skeletal. He was terrifying to look at. Uh, like
Nosferatu. Um, I don't know. I don't think it's
a man. I mean, it can't be a man. The guy just
disappears out of nowhere. Well, you know what?
I haven't even give you the reasons why he might
just be a dude. Maybe I'll change your mind.
Do you want your mind blown or changed? Okay.
Yes, I do. Okay. So yeah. So what if he was,
so he could, he could have been just a man, a
very disturbed, possibly sick, definitely very
horny for fear type dude. Uh, yeah. Yeah. Every
witness described him as big into nipple play.
Just squeezing the raisins. Every witness described
him as looking real. Like he wasn't see -through.
He didn't float. He wasn't like flickering or
glowing like a ghost, but he seemed like flesh
and blood. But so, you know, maybe he was just
mentally ill or on drugs or both. Now there are
also some neurological conditions like dystonia
or epilepsy that can cause uncontrollable facial
contortions, like spasms, even odd vocalizations.
That makes sense. Yeah. So maybe he wasn't. even
trying to scare people, maybe his muscles were
just betraying him. It's horrible. It's actually
worse because he's not trying to do it. Yeah,
but if we're being honest, though, the chest
rubbing, the bedroom staring, and the nighttime
stalking, that feels intentional. So even if
he was a guy... I mean, those are my go -tos.
I have never had a complaint. So even if he was
just a guy in pain, he was still doing some...
deeply predatory creepy ass shit and the fact
that all the witnesses were women usually alone
makes it hard not to see this as some kind of
like targeted behavior so still even if it was
just some menace or a mentally ill person or
whatever that doesn't really explain the like
I blinked and he was gone shit yeah you know
what I mean no it doesn't help like but maybe
like the fear and adrenaline you feel in the
moment messes with your memory or like maybe
people didn't see him run because they were too
busy shitting themselves like maybe yeah but
like a suspicious maybe you know what i mean
right right but if the real life human theory
isn't for you let's go the opposite direction
and get weird with it uh a lot of people lean
toward the supernatural on this one the vanishing
knack is a classic ghost move the fact that he
showed up in people's bedrooms with no sign of
forced entry also very ghostly and his ability
to scare the fucking piss out of you like without
saying a word that's pretty textbook paranormal
type stuff yeah Some folks have also compared
him to, like, shadow people, like, you know,
those dark human -shaped blobs when you have
sleep paralysis, like, hand -type shit. Well,
yeah, like, he does kind of sound like a sleep
paralysis demon. Yeah, he checks some of the
boxes, like, for sure, like, but only in the
cases where he's seen inside. I feel like if
you're outside, that doesn't make any sense.
Like, he shows up at night, paralyzes you with
fear, and then disappears when the lights come
on. But the Gurning Man wasn't a shadow. He had
details, like clothing, features, sounds, behaviors.
Like, that makes him feel more real, like more
physical in a sense. Almost like he's half in
our world and half somewhere else, Sarge. Oh.
Which brings us to the theory that he's some
kind of interdimensional traveler. Ah, like Bigfoot,
but shaved and skinny and wearing a unitard.
That sounds offensive. I'm not going to say that
one anymore. Leotard is how I'll say it. But
yeah, it's like whatever barrier keeps us from
seeing into the next reality just got thin as
hell in Glasgow during the 70s and then briefly
in the 2000s. And through that rip came this
twitchy bastard who couldn't quite get the hang
of existing in our timeline. That could explain
the weird body movements, the distorted face,
and the way he was able to just vanish on a moment's
notice. And then finally, our last theory, maybe
none of this shit ever actually happens. Okay.
Yeah. All right. There are zero news reports
from the time, no police barter, no archived
headlines. Nobody who lived in Glasgow back then
seems to remember hearing about this, which is
pretty weird, right? You would think like leotard
man with horrifying smile terrorizes women would
have made the papers, but no, it's almost like
gurney man just showed up on the internet one
day. and yeah damn it you son of a bitch if this
is a fucking reddit story i'm gonna lose my goddamn
mind the first detailed version of the story
popped up online around 2012 which means more
than likely it's a case of retroactive folklore
something someone making up a spooky local legend
that felt like it belonged in that era it's much
like when we did the not deer like the not deer
yeah it's kind of like that but then people started
believing it and maybe even seeing it This is
where the Tulpa Theory comes in. It's the idea
that if enough people believe in something hard
enough and long enough, it becomes real. Think
like Slenderman or The Rake. We know they were
made up, and yet people swear up and down that
they have seen them. If reality is just a shared
hallucination, maybe the Gurning Man is real
enough now to step out of the shadows, and maybe
the reason there were those two sightings in
2017 is because we invited him. How are you feeling
about these theories? This makes a lot of sense,
actually, now that you mention it. I see Slender
Man semi -regularly, actually. He smokes Marlowe's,
hangs out by a garage, a lot of bird seed. Anyway.
You just grabbed my dad. I love the Tulpa theory,
I think. it's, it's, uh, it's a weird nexus of
things. You know what I mean? Like the Tulpa
theory is kind of right up there with, um, uh,
what is that weird thing that happens when people
all seem to remember something and it turns out
not to be real. The Mandela effect. Yeah. Yeah.
I feel like the Tulpa and the Mandela effect,
it kind of like a hand in hand thing. Um, Cause
like, if you look at it, so not, not that this
is, this is like a deliberate example, but like
Sinbad, everybody thought that Sinbad was in
a movie where he was a genie. Yeah. And then
he actually did a commercial where he was a genie
just to mess with people. And it really, it like
those two things, those two like things in my
brain kind of go so well together that it just,
it, even if it's not real, even if there's nothing
to that. It's such a, like a fascinating, like
little journey to go on in your imagination.
Like just how fucking cool an idea that is. What's
weird is that I don't remember. I, the only genie
movie I remember is Kazam with Shaq. Yes. Like
it's one of those things. Cause the one that
the people think Sinbad was in, they called it,
it was Shazam. I don't remember that at all.
Right. Yeah. And the thing that's funny is I
remember Shazam. And the Shaq movie. Yeah. See,
that's why it's weird that things like that only
affect certain people. It's like, it's like,
it's like the Fruit of the Loom thing where like,
I remember a cornucopia. Me too. Apparently there
was never a cornucopia. I know. It's so fucking
weird. We need to do an episode on the Mandela
effect. I think that'd be a lot of fun. We should.
I think we should. Yeah. I love the Tulpa theory.
And I, I think there's some truth to it. Cause
if something's real to you, whether it's real
or not is immaterial. It's your perception. And,
you know, we all live in a hologram, so your
perception is reality a lot of the time. That's
very true. Which is why I'm the most handsome
guy in the world. I mean, I'm just kidding. I
mean, no, you're spitting facts right now, Sarge.
You flatter me, sir. So was the Gurning Man just
a creepy dude in a bodysuit, a lost spirit stuck
between dimensions, or an internet -aged Tulpa
that we accidentally willed into existence? Tulpa!
Tulpa! Tulpa! Yeah, more than likely it's the
last one. But in the end, The Legend of the Gurning
Man of Glasgow is about answers and more about
what sticks with you. Like that image of a bald
skeletal man grinning through pain, rubbing his
chest and stalking the streets at night. It hits
on something primal. Like he's not a monster.
He's not even a cryptid. He's a fucking intrusion.
Like real or not, this is the kind of story that
latches onto your brain like black mold and it's...
really hard to get rid of the gurning man embodies
a very specific fear of being watched of being
alone of something just fucking wrong lurking
at the edge of your world and whether he was
ever real doesn't really matter anymore so there
you have it sarge that is the story of the gurning
man of glasgow we did it that was an amazing
one i loved it all right it was really good i
had a lot of fun right yeah There's nothing funnier
to me than the idea of a haunted sex pest. Not
only is it creepy and fucking terrifying, but
it's also a pervert. But also like, that's like,
I feel like a paranormal sex pest is the worst.
Like that's way worse. It's so gross. Yeah. Cause
you can't do it. You can't do anything about
it. Like, it's just like, like, were they going
to catch them? Were they going to call the ghostbusters?
The ghostbusters aren't real. This thing might
also not be real, but at the same, you know what
I mean? Like it's all bad. I'm just thinking
like, he just like, he shows up. He's like, Oh,
it's so good to see you. He's like twitching.
He's like, oh, he's getting all riled up to fucking
sex pest his way through your life. Fuck that.
I don't want to be a part of your weird fucking
fantasy, a creepy ghost. It's like a demon version
of the BP guy from South Park where he's like,
I'm sorry. Just like rubbing his nipples. It's
like that, but like a sex pest demon interdimensional
ghost. All of it's bad. There's a show called
Doom Patrol that I really like. It just finished
up. It's on HBO. Brendan Fraser's in it. It's
about a bunch of weird superheroes. I fucking
love this show. There's a running gag throughout
the show. I think it started in season two where
these ghosts just show up in somebody's house
and they're just fucking everywhere. They'll
just be like sitting on the couch and then they'll
hear groaning. They'll look up in the ceiling
and there's two ghosts just banging on the ceiling.
That's pretty good. Oh, gurning man. You're going
to be my new favorite cryptids. More like gooning
man. Am I right? Hey. Oh, that was good. That
was good. I'm actually going to go into chat
GPT and try to recreate gardening, man. I just
want to see what their interpretation of him
would look like. All right. All right. Sorry.
Put that out of the way. You got anything you
want to plug before we do our other plugs? Yeah,
yeah. Follow us on the internet. I don't really
have anything. I want to thank Cam, Amanda, and
Elvira for all the help last night and handing
out the stickers. A lot of cool ideas we kind
of threw back and forth. Hopefully some cool
shit for the future. Drink Narragansett or We'll
be sad about it. And that's all I got. All right.
And if you want to follow us, you can follow
us on Instagram at Crypto Cocktail. Follow us
on TikTok, Crypto Cocktail Party. If you want
to follow Sarge, there's a link in our Instagram.
You can find all of his socials on there. He's
starting to do TikTok again. Sarge, you're doing
TikTok again. Pretty good. Yeah, I'm getting
back into it. Pretty good. Thank you. You can
subscribe to our Patreon. That'd be awesome.
Give us some funds. for some things. Uh, I think
that's all I, Oh, leave us a rating and review,
please. It really helps. Yeah, please. It really,
really helps get, uh, get the word out there.
Tell your friends, tell your family, tell your
mom, tell your dad, whoever, even if you just
want to shoot us a message on Instagram, we can
just kind of post it, uh, post the message, uh,
and your review of the show. Happy or sad. I
don't care where you, you know, you can say we're
terrible. We'll still post it. Yeah. Cause we're
masochists, but also do it on an actual app.
podcast app because that's how people know if
we're good or not. Dude, I'm just going to post
it on Instagram anyway. It's fine. Yeah, man.
It doesn't help us with people. People won't
see it. All right. Fine. Fine. Fine. Rate us
on a real thing instead of the thing I made up.
But you can send us nice messages or mean messages.
Yeah, I'll take that too. Yeah, that's fine.
It keeps me going. Yeah, I love it. I put on
a DV and started pinching my nips. Yeah, and
if anyone has a problem with the way I was pronouncing
Glasgow, Glasgow. whatever uh call me out i'm
gonna fuck help us get better no i'm still gonna
pronounce it how i pronounce it which has changed
dramatically throughout the beginning and the
end of this episode i pronounce it like four
different ways it's just one of those names where
you don't feel comfortable saying it yeah i hate
it it's all bad and they should feel ashamed
for naming it something hard to pronounce even
though that's wild to say considering i used
to live in new england now live in Pennsylvania,
where everything is named awful that you can't
pronounce if you're not from there. Right. All
right. Go to Leicester. You'll love it. I guess
that's the way it starts. Do you want to say
goodbye and love you to the audience? Goodbye.
I love you. Happy Pride.