Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of Cryptic Cocktail Party, a show where we
have a few drinks, share a few laughs, take a dive into the unknown. I'm your host Dave,
joined as always by my wonderful co-host Sarge. How's it going Sarge?
I'm snow everywhere. My whole neighborhood is fucking buried. I woke up at 4 a.m. to shovel
before the rain started. So I'm real punchy right now. Let's go.
And joining us on this week's episode is a very special guest. We have Ed Larson from
Last Podcast on the Left and The Brighter Side. How's it going, man?
What's up? Everything's great over here. Seventy five and sunny. I was deciding whether I'd
wear a sweatshirt or a t-shirt today. Rub it in. Just got back from the farmers market,
went and shopped outdoors and had a lovely time. It was great. I got some squash. I got
some fish. I got some ground turkey trying to live over here. You know, we're doing our
thing. Fish from a farmer's market.
Yeah, man. Sorry about all the snow. It's oh, sorry about all the fire.
You know, it's fucking you know, it happens. You know, what are you going to do? You know,
you know, we had we threw a couple of benefits. Things are good. We're going to cure fire
aid soon and everything's going to be fine. And, you know, I'm not really.
I actually I have to go out to California in a couple of weeks. I work for a company
and we have an office out there. And we were talking about the market difference of living
in New England versus living in California. And they're like, oh, we have a bag that we
keep if we have to evacuate. Yeah. And I was like, oh, we we do that, too. But it's just
like a bag with like rock salt and a shovel in it.
Yeah, it's just yeah. And liquor. Yeah, yeah, of course. And brass and brass knuckles. Oh,
my God. We we played we played Medford, Massachusetts recently. Yeah. Which is right outside right
outside of Boston, the home of Jingle Bells, which I learned. Yeah. But we so we my citizen
app got switched. I don't know if you know what that is.
From when I moved to Philly from New England, I downloaded it. Oh, my God. It's like literally
it went from like random L.A. like, you know, you know, people in the in the walking down
the street and protests to like it was every day. It was like fist fight in the street.
They got an accent, you know, like it was like man attacks on the man with hammers,
you know, like the Ducky's. Yeah. The citizen app is hands down a game. Like when I when
I first moved to Philly, I downloaded it immediately. And the first notification I got was man walking
down the street with a katana. And I. Yeah, man. It's like, fuck. I knew I moved to the
right city. This is these are my people. Yeah. L.A. It's lots of machetes. Lots of I don't
think the katanas are, you know, attached to the walls is like a presentation. Yeah.
No, no, no. Don't use that. That's a katana. Yeah.
This is what we kill people with. Yeah. It's good and dull. You'll love it. The machetes
also too cheap. They're just like $15. You know, like by. Yeah. It's I think we need
to up the price for everyone's safety. Fuck gun control. This is all about machete.
I have woods behind my house and so it often grows into my yard in the springtime. So I
bought a machete and I was like shocked at how cheap it was. I was like, this is great.
Oh, yeah. I have like a ton of these. Yeah. I'll take six. Yeah. Dirt cheap. It's like
this is my woods machete. This is my grill and machete. Yeah. All right, guys. So we
ask this to every guest and I feel like I probably know the. But are you are you like
a cryptids guy? Like, is this something that you I know you're friends with Henry, so you
probably been talked at at length about them. Not so much. Yeah. I think they're a fun thing.
I love them. I don't necessarily believe in them, you know, but I do love the idea of
them and I think they're hilarious. I think if I had to choose my favorite, it'd be the
Jersey Devil. Really? Yeah. It's the only Italian cryptid, you know. I eat your cats
over here. So I'll be right back. I got to check on the sauce. Gold chains at all times.
I got to eat some chicken. Stop bothering me. Luckily for you, I this episode is going
to cover very many cryptids, if any at all. So I was actually having a really tough time
coming up with a topic for this episode because like I tried to look into something crazy
as folklore, some weird ass shit from around the world and everything I started researching
pretty boring or way too in depth that I was like, this would be like a five part episode.
I can't have Ed, you know, do that shit. Yeah. So actually, I think I came up with a pretty
good idea and the inspiration actually came from you. So yeah, I realized that in like
the two plus years or so that we've been doing this show, with the exception of the robot
flowers of Dade City, we haven't really covered anything out of Florida. So yes. So it's just
so today I thought what we do is we would take a little tour of Florida and cover a
couple of the weirder myths, legends, folklore and whatever to come out of that state. So
some of them you might be familiar with. Others you might not. I know the one that smells
bad. The swamp skunk ape skunk ape skunk. Yeah, man. Yeah. I went to I went to middle
school with him and I thought it was only appropriate because we do have a Florida legend
with us right now. You were the largest baby in Florida at one point. Biggest baby born
in Florida, baby. That's right. Fucking number one. Untouchable, except for the people who
beat me afterwards. I was almost exactly three pounds heavier than I was in my little. So
you were a big ass baby. Oh, I was a huge fat. You what? You were what, 12 pounds? No,
I was you were 14. I was 14 pounds, 13 and a half ounces. Yeah. I was almost right. He
wasn't respect on his name. Come on, man. Hell yeah, man. No, I was just a fucking cannonball
when I came out. That's awesome, man. I was also three weeks late. So I was really like
I was growing extra. That's really the problem. Learning to walk on the womb. Jesus Christ.
Man, my first words were meat. I want more of it. Grind it up. I have my first cheeseburger
in fucking three months, man. Full set of teeth when you were born. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Right out of the hospital. I was like, I'll take a Philly cheesesteak with which you bitch.
Like, how do you know where Philadelphia is? Like, that's crazy. And then you unroll a
map while I had this with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll ever listen to the Allman Brothers,
man. It's just rolling a joint. Just like, wow, this is crazy. Now, one would think that
Florida of all places would be riddled with like cryptids, monsters, terrifying folkloric
beasts. I mean, the setting for it is fucking right there. You got swamps, forests, lakes,
the ocean, fucking just like the local population in general. But yeah, I gotta say, there's
really not much going on there as far as like cryptids and folklore go. Like you got the
abominable swamp slob known as the Skunk Ape, which is whatever, just a smelly mud covered
Bigfoot so he can immediately go fuck himself. There's also like a big hammerhead shark that's
been spotted between like the Everglades city and Tampa Bay that the locals lovingly call
Old Hitler, which I mean, how? Why? Why would they call him Old Hitler? Apparently, apparently
he was apparently he was spotted by yeah, he was spotted by GIs that came back from
World War Two when they were fishing, like in Tampa Bay. So and then one of the things
listed on the Florida folklore Wikipedia page was something listed as which after looking
into it turns out it's just a racial slur for black children. So Jesus, God damn it.
So I don't know what's going on down there. Florida is fucking wild. Yeah, man. That's
a that sounds awful. It's one of those things that should be kept a secret. I don't know.
I don't know what about that. We didn't tell a mass audience about it. Yeah, man. I tell
you what, don't worry about it. Yeah. The you know, it's the thing when you go down
to the down to the Everglades, man, I don't know if you all have ever been down there,
but like everyone's so everyone's so fucking sunburned and shit. You can't even tell what
race they are until they start saying racist shit. You know, it's fucking it's a nightmare.
They take off their hat and their head looks like a Tylenol. Oh, OK. You're that. Well,
needless to say, it did take me a minute, but I was able to find some actual weird shit
that I think is worth discussing. And they're kind of ranked in like order of like least
weird. So this is going to get pretty fucking wild. So the first story I have to share with
you is actually a conspiracy. It's a very specific and very localized conspiracy. And
that is that the invasive species of insect known as the love bugs were actually created
in a lab at the University of Florida to help combat the mosquito population. Really? Yeah.
Because love bugs are fucking everywhere my whole life. They're like as far as they're
basically they're two big bugs that just like kind of like constantly attach each other
to each other. And then they're just big and stupid and they just end up all over your
windshield. And they're like they're harmless. They don't bite you or nothing. But they're
like they call them love bugs because they're always like they look like they're constantly
fucking but they're not. You know, I think they're just like they're just attached to
each other. But yeah, it sounds like a like a polite Victorian way of saying you've got
crabs. Yeah. Oh yeah. Why don't you go ahead and trim off your love bugs before you come
to bed? Yeah. Yeah. From what I've from what I've gathered, they're kind of like the Florida
version of like we have lantern flies in Philly. Like I don't know if you're familiar with
lantern flies. They're fireflies. Yeah. No, no, no. Not fireflies. Lantern flies. They're
an invasive species from like China or Japan. Something like that. There's a dumb fly that
bangs India lights. Yeah, they're they're useless. They don't do anything. So so love bugs are
kind of like Florida's version of that. Well, apparently the theory goes that supposedly
in the 1950s, the University of Florida, the same people that brought you Gatorade, they
were working on like a natural predator solution to mosquitoes. There's a lot of still water
in Florida. So it stands to reason mosquitoes can be everywhere, dude. Yeah. Yeah. So what
the scientists in these labs did was they created an experimental and genetically modified
bug that would attack and kill the male mosquito population, which in turn would slow down
the reproductive reproduction rate of all the mosquitoes. So the dude mosquitoes, no
fucking no baby mosquitoes. That's just science. And they have electrolytes. So well, apparently
before they could like fine tune their little science experiment, a couple of these fuckers
escaped or were set free depending on the story being told. And from there, reproduced
and spread like crazy, leaving Florida with not only a bunch of mosquitoes still, but
now just like a fuck ton of useless love bugs who aren't even doing the one thing that they
were created to do in the first place. It's weird how much this story aligns with the
history of my family. Just big dumb people that are constantly reproducing. Oh yeah.
And then, but you know, do they get killed easily too? Cause that's no, thankfully we
live forever. They're just a plague upon society at this point. Yes. That would be an accurate
way to describe my family. That is the thing with Florida, man. It's like the perfect ecosystem
for like anything to live. Yeah. You've got like crazy pythons everywhere now. Oh dude.
Everything's different even from when I was a kid. And also, I mean, I'm going to shamelessly
plug my show. My tour is called invasive species. I'm coming. I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing
a, I'm doing a, yeah, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm coming in. I'm doing, I'm
doing a shows in Florida and March and may and a, yeah, I'm calling the whole tour, a
invasive species ed Larson tours, Florida. Yeah, man. So that's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
No, because it's, it's crazy. What's happening down there. Like everywhere you look where
I grew up in Boca Raton, Deerfield beach, that area, South Florida, the, um, there were
no iguanas when I, I mean, like they're really good. Occasionally see one or two maybe they're
fucking everywhere. Now they're like, just like statues of them. Now, like it's like,
it's like, it's crazy. What's happening with cold. They just fall out the trees. Oh yeah,
man. They do. And they fucking, and as soon as Florida people, man, they're smart as hell.
They start like chopping them up, putting them meat on Facebook marketplace. You know,
you can buy that shit down there. Oh, I'm sure it's great. If it's anything, if it's
anything like alligator, I'm sure it's fucking delicious. Cause alligator alligator is really
alligator is very good. They call it iguana, the chicken of the trees.
Chicken of a slightly higher elevation.
Well, well, we all find a good conspiracy fund. And this one, I guess has started around
the, it was like in the 1960s, this one started, this is nowhere close to being true. In reality
love bugs migrated from central America and we're actually making their way along the
coasts of the Gulf of Mexico, America for a while. Come on. Show respect. I don't want
to get banned like the AP, you know, but they're making their way up along the coast of the
Gulf of Mexico, like for a while before even reaching Florida. In fact, Louisiana first
discovered they were infested with love bugs 30 years before they even showed up in Florida.
But yeah, so that's it. That's the, that's the conspiracy theory known as the love bug
conspiracy. I don't know where it came from. It sounds like something that you like over
here in like a small town dive bar and then someone just ran with it. Like that's the
kind of theory this sounds like for sure. Well, you know, if there was like a weird
invasive bug up here, someone would be pointing a finger at MIT. So like it kind of makes
sense. Like that's true. Like, okay. Yeah. Well, the Irish MIT did it.
That's the thing. Well, the people hate the university of Florida. Unless you either love
university of Florida or you fucking despise it. You know, if you live in Florida. So I
feel like they're like, Oh, that nerds up there, they brought the love bugs, you know,
like they've, they've been playing with their science in the tubes and the bugs everywhere.
Now they're trying to kill mosquitoes. The skaters ain't getting killed. You know, that's
what it sounds like. So just bitter and fucking old man ranting about some bullshit that he
heard. These college kids and their fucking mosquitoes. Do it. Learn a trade. All right.
So the, the next stop on our trip around Florida takes us just west of Daytona beach to the
wooded banks of the Tomoko river. Now there isn't anything actually like fucked up or
super weird in the river. It's actually a sanctuary for manatees. So that's kind of
nice. Uh, this is about what goes on. Like just a nice term for New York people who go
to Florida in the summer. Just the bald ones. Yeah. But this is, so this is about what's
going on in the surrounding woods. The river is fine. You can go in it. It's cool. Actually,
I don't know if you can go in it. It's a sanctuary. I didn't look that part up either way, but
so what is going on in the surrounding woods is what you may be asking yourselves. Well,
the legend has it that a seemingly sentient pink mist forms that is said to consume the
flesh of any living creature, unlucky enough to be trapped within it, leaving behind only
the bleach bones of its victims. This is the story of the carnivorous pink cloud. Is this
something you've ever heard before? Ed? I've never heard of it, but it definitely sounds
like a chemical spill went wrong. Yeah. This is like the beginning of return to living
dead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So from what I've gathered, the story
goes that beginning sometime around 1955, hunters and fishermen who frequented the
area started to report that they were seeing a strange, thick pinkish mist that seemed
to just form seemingly out of nowhere. They also said that the mist appeared to have the
ability to move on its own, no matter what direction the wind was blowing, almost as
as if we're alive and thinking on its own.
Not great, but it gets worse.
The pink mist is also said to have
some sort of corrosive property to it.
Like anything that got caught within it, animal or human,
the mist would strip them of their flesh,
leaving behind only the bones.
And some of the carcasses and remains that were discovered
after the mist had rolled through
that weren't fully quote unquote consumed by it,
were described as appearing to have been melted
as if they were half digested.
Now, people even reported seeing this in action.
Like they would see an animal or something
get caught up in the mist, drop dead,
and then they would witness it start to like dissolve
right in front of them.
Are you okay?
Are you sure this isn't just like an off-brand
cotton candy flavored vape cloud?
Yeah, yeah.
Like somebody went to a gas station
just outside a carnival and shit got sideways.
Yeah, man.
I mean, how are you gonna stare at like,
oh, that mist is fucking killing these people, these dogs.
And like, you think it's like just gonna not affect you?
Like no one has witnessed this.
Unless they're in a hazmat suit,
there's no way anyone has seen this.
Well, yeah.
Well, I mean, over the several years
that the fog was in action, roughly 10 years or so,
so like 1955-ish to 1965-ish,
it was actually been blamed for about a dozen
or so mysterious disappearances,
as well as multiple instances
of unidentified human bones being discovered in the area.
Okay.
I feel like this is just an allegory
for them being afraid of gay people.
I don't know what that means.
Fuck.
It's just like, what do you?
Well, pink, hey.
No, sorry, flush that idea out.
I wanna know where this is going.
I know what you say.
Gay people got pink farts and they think that.
I'm just saying, like these like old timey people
that are terrified of gay people
and so they come up with a story
to get their kids to avoid pink stuff.
Yeah.
All right.
Don't wear pink clock, Junior.
It'll eat your skin.
So like I said, it's been blamed
for about a dozen or so mysterious disappearances,
as well as multiple instances
of unidentified human bones being discovered.
And it's not just humans and animals
that get fucked up by it.
It said that the bark is stripped from the trees,
brushes dissolved.
It basically just pretty much decimates any living thing
that it comes in contact with.
Not too far off from my own farts, to be honest with you.
All right, Jesus Christ.
No.
Yeah, it's all that Narragansett making them farts.
Nothing farts like Narragansett.
No, according to local folklore,
apparently like everything that's awesome in the world,
this all stems from a Native American legend
that traces all the way back to the,
I don't know if I'm pronouncing this right,
the Tamucan people.
The Tamuca peoples were like the indigenous peoples
who lived in their region of Florida and Georgia, I believe.
And they were like the largest indigenous tribe
in the area.
I mean, the Seminoles.
I just let you know what I researched and what I learned.
Okay, all right, all right, all right.
Don't come at me.
All right.
I mean, they're bigger than the Seminoles.
Dave, Dave, have a banana.
Your potassium levels are low.
You might die.
All right, so.
So.
You know, it's an old Vaudeville thing.
If you take a banana for the road, man,
you know, you always make sure you have a banana
before you go on stage so you don't cramp up up there.
There you go.
It's a real thing.
There was, I didn't know this at the time,
but there's some logic behind what I said.
All right.
Well, yeah, so the Tamuqua peoples,
being the indigenous peoples who live in the region
before us, whites kind of, you know,
fucked it all up for them.
But the legend goes that Chief Tom Key
committed what was considered by the tribe
to be a bit of a whoopsie.
Apparently, he stole a sacred golden cup
and used it to drink from a spring
that was said to have had healing
and protective properties.
This led to pretty much all-out tribal warfare.
Basically, every tribe in the region wanted this man dead.
Safe to say, he kind of fucked up,
but he pretty much got through like this whole war,
like unscathed, that is, until a lovely young maiden
by the name of Olita shot him through the heart
with a poison arrow before she herself was shot
and killed by a poison arrow.
And apparently, it's not really clarified,
this for some reason cursed him to wander eternally
in the mist and just fucking fuck shit up with it.
I don't know, it's all very weird.
But yeah, so that's the story of the carnivorous pink mist.
And you've never heard this before?
I never heard of the pink mist, you know,
but I didn't, Daytona is like one of the few areas
I never lived in Florida,
so that might be their whole bullshit up there.
The thing is with Florida,
there's so many scary things that are just like real,
you know, it's like no reason to make stuff up, you know?
That's what I'm saying, like dude,
trying to find like research things that are like,
like mythological or folklorish or cryptids,
like no, they have real shit to be worried about.
They're not fucking making up,
like weird shit to talk about that'd be like,
like what would that even be?
Like you have alligators, don't go by the river,
there's an alligator, like why the fuck?
Alligators fight bears in Florida, you know?
Like it's like, fuck your squonk, you know,
or your skunk ape, you know, like, oh, just,
oh, this bear smells bad?
Yeah, well, thanks to you, that's the worst you got.
Everything smells bad, see humidity, man.
This is such, so many valid points right now.
Now, for our final story,
we're gonna be heading into North Port, Florida.
And in researching the story,
I found that North Port, Florida seems boring as fuck, dude.
Like, and I found out that some people there believe
that a sinkhole in the middle of the park
is actually the Fountain of Youth.
And I think that's dumb and they should feel bad
about themselves for thinking that
because that's pretty stupid.
But I feel like every small town in Florida is like,
oh, we got the Fountain of Youth.
This is where Ponce de Leon showed up.
I don't know, apparently North Port thinks
they have the Fountain of Youth
because a sinkhole is there.
Where is North, North Port?
Oh, it's in the middle of Florida too.
It's below Sarasota, so it's not even that north.
You know, in no way Ponce de Leon's making it
on the West Coast of Florida.
Yeah.
That's a long trip.
He ain't going up in there.
That's some lost ass Spaniard right there.
Yeah, I know.
See?
That's what I'm saying.
They should feel bad because it's dumb
and they should not think this at all.
But just because a town is lame doesn't mean that
every once in a while, some really un-lame shit
can't happen there, right?
For sure.
Yeah, well, lucky for us, in 2009,
some really un-lame shit did happen
when Vietnam vet Michael Rowley
and his 16-year-old son Shane became the victims
of what I would call shared delusions of mental illness,
but others have called what they experience
the North Port Devil.
So this story is fucking bananas.
It's got everything.
It's got tall grays, lizard people,
cloven-hoved flying beings, UFOs, and dragons.
This is like Alex Jones's Narnia.
Yeah, but I think, I'm pretty sure DeSantis
put all those things in the Florida Constitution.
They're gonna be on the new flag, I believe, so it's fine.
Amazing.
So their story goes that this father and son duo
moved into their new home in North Port in April,
I believe, of 2009, and shit just like immediately
got fucking weird, so.
Wait, this is 2009?
Yeah.
The Vietnam vet with a 16-year-old son in 2009?
He got started late.
Yeah, man.
Yeah.
I got a feeling that's not his sperm.
Yeah.
Thanks, Juan DeSantis.
Yeah.
So their experiences started out like your typical strange
lights in the sky above their home.
Shane started saying that he was seeing some weird,
like, aliens wandering about in the backyard at night.
Just normal Florida shit.
Nothing like too, too crazy.
But not long after that, Shane claimed
he was woken up in the middle of the night
to see a 10-foot tall, big-eyed, bulbous-headed gray alien
with a naturally long arm standing outside his window.
He said in an interview with an investigator, quote,
I just woke up and saw this big, tall, gray-looking dude.
The full moon was on him, so I could see everything about him.
I could see his skin.
He was very tall, about 9 foot, 10 foot, end quote.
Damn.
So that's weird.
Definitely weird.
Yeah.
But this encounter gets a lot weirder.
So according to Shane, as he was staring out
at this massive, bulbous-headed fuck just
standing in his window, he noticed a second creature.
This one, he said, was a scaly reptoid
with a rounded, heart-shaped head.
And he was just kind of crouching down, posted up
against the trunk of a palm tree and bobbing his head
from side to side.
No.
Now, this encounter only lasted about five minutes,
or Shane thinks, at least.
He remembers seeing the entities,
and then the next thing he knows,
he's waking up in his bed in the same position,
but has no recollection of falling back asleep.
And as we know from numerous alien abduction cases,
missing time is one of the staple side effects
of being abducted.
But who knows?
Maybe he did just fall asleep after being abruptly
woken by a 10-foot-tall alien and a reptoid out his window.
I don't know if I could do that.
I feel like I'd be very conscious of what's going on.
Yeah.
Maybe I'd stay awake.
Maybe it was just an Agent Orange flashback.
You know, and it's just like.
No, this was the sun.
Oh, OK.
It could be passed down through DNA, probably.
Who knows?
I mean, we're still learning about the effects,
so maybe he's got some fucking.
Either way, I love Shane.
This kid is like, he's super nonchalant
about his encounters.
He went on to tell the investigators,
they kind of show up when they want.
You get used to him.
But it's weird to see them walking around the woods
with those big eyes, end quote.
So they say the same thing about my kids all the time.
I think it's actually kind of beautiful,
because most people in Florida would just shoot it.
You know, and so the fact that, you know, that he's like down
and just like, let it be, I think that's very progressive
as far as like Floridians go, because, you know.
Now, compared to Shane's father, Michael,
Shane had it pretty mild.
His father apparently was also being plagued by an entity.
A flying red eyed, cloven, hove beast,
that kind of sounds like he's just describing the Jersey
devil, was said to have been harassing Michael.
He said the creature was, quote, it's about yay big
with pure deep red eyes.
And it just looked at me for a second.
I haven't seen the wings, but I knew he was a beast.
I haven't seen the wings, but I knew he flyed, end quote.
I love that he's just like this grizzled old Vietnam vet
being mercilessly harassed.
I know.
I'm just kidding.
It's kids like that.
I don't know what your problem is.
I've never, I just, choosing that something flies
when you haven't seen it fly or its wings,
it's just like, it's such a bold thing.
I assume he flies.
That thing flies.
Yeah.
My favorite part is that he didn't say I knew it flew,
is I knew he flyed.
I don't think that's...
He even made like plaster casts of the beast hoof prints.
And there's like, apparently there's some video footage
of the alleged events that happened around the home,
but the evidence is if he had best,
actually the plaster casts that he took,
when we'll get to it in a second,
but he fucked it up by putting his hands in it.
So it's clearly manipulated by, like...
It's not great, but...
This is some Dale Gribble level bullshit right here.
Boil some Mountain Dew, it's gonna be a long night.
Dude, it gets worse.
So on May 19th, 2009, now this is just a month,
all this has happened over the course of a month
of them living there.
The father and son decided to get in contact with Mufon,
who sent over an investigator by the name of Morgan Beale
to figure out what's going on at this house.
You know, they would come over, they would, you know,
examine the claims, interview the witnesses,
typical Mufon shit.
Now, apparently Mufon did uncover some things
that they decided needed further investigation,
but it seemed that Michael wasn't really too keen
on the idea and was obstructing their ability to do so.
In the report that Mufon put out, it says, quote,
based on the analysis of the witnesses' account,
photographs, video evidence, and footprint plaster casts,
it is in the opinion of the field investigator
assigned to this case and Mufon that the events
as accounted by eyewitnesses is unexplainable
and the unusual occurrences that took place
at the aforementioned address
warranted further investigation.
However, events and communication
between Mr. Michael Rowley prevented Mufon
from proceeding with said investigation, end quote.
Now, why would he block any further investigation?
I don't know.
Seems kind of suspicious.
Like, dude, you called them,
they didn't just show up at your house randomly
and start interviewing, like you asked for this.
Like, why would you deny?
One thing I know about Mufon,
it's really the only thing I know about Mufon,
is they love to get money.
So I bet that these motherfuckers like,
oh, we gotta run this test,
but you gotta spend this, this and that.
These guys are like, what the fuck?
Get the hell out of here.
I'm not giving you, you know.
Mufon is like, they're very obsessed with getting paid.
Oh.
But also the one thing I know about Mufon is that
they're not very biased.
Like you could tell them any story.
They're like, oh shit, what, fucking really?
Yeah.
That happened to you?
No way.
Like, they're not.
They never disagree.
It's not like.
They're like, no, that's not possible.
No, they're like, oh shit, yeah dude,
fucking we'll investigate this.
Now give me like 400 bucks.
And then, you know.
See, I didn't know that you had to pay Mufon.
That ruins it for me.
Oh, if you want to join Mufon, it's really expensive.
It is like.
You want to join Mufon?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like you call them to like come and investigate.
You're doing them a favor.
They have to do zero research.
They just have to show up.
And then they're like, pay me.
Also, I have no, I have no idea
that that's what they do or not,
but I'm just saying I wouldn't put it
past these cheap motherfuckers.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
It's more of me accusing them
than me knowing anything in particular.
I just love the idea of like this grizzled old vet
and like Mufon shows up and is like, fuck you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got it.
But like, you can't be mad at them for showing up.
You called them.
Like why block them from doing the one thing
that you asked them to do?
Probably some shenanigans with Mufon just being, you know.
But whatever the case may be for it,
the family, they continue to report strange encounters.
It got to the point where they avoided
even leaving the house after dark.
And they definitely didn't go outside
when it was the full moon,
because that's when the creatures
are more active allegedly.
But, but just because they were slowly becoming like,
prisoners in their own home,
that didn't stop Michael from believing
that the creatures came in peace
and that they were actually there for a good purpose.
At least that's what he thought at first.
Now, not so much.
He did like a little 180 on that position.
Once a new entity answered to the chat.
And according to several emails
sent to different Mufon investigators,
as well as Michael's own website,
Northportdevil.com, which is no longer active.
Ah, I was literally like,
you saw me like going with my fingers.
I know, it's a shame.
I was hoping it was like black background
with green writing.
It was definitely probably like an angel fire site,
for sure.
That had the most aggressive coloring.
Now, he and his boy are now having to deal
with their entire neighborhood being full to the brim
with people who seem to have the ability
to transform into dragons.
Ooh.
And he really seemed to have a problem
with one neighbor in particular named Paul.
Now, according to Mike,
Paul the dragon.
This neighbor Paul had been trying to befriend his son,
Shane, and apparently Paul liked to spend
an inordinate amount of time smoking on a street corner,
just waiting for his chance to transform back into a dragon,
which is his true form.
And I don't know which of these accusations is worse,
like the grown man trying to befriend a child,
or the fact that he's a dragon
with like a violent nicotine addiction.
Like, I don't know which one's worse to be a keystone.
I mean, he never has to look for a lighter.
So that's good.
Yeah, that's fair.
In one of the emails he wrote to Mufon,
he said about his neighborhood, quote,
I have a concern I need you to understand.
I think my whole neighborhood are dragons.
One neighbor, not Paul,
he specifically makes sure that this is not Paul,
has a dragon sticker on his truck.
Oh, that's-
I've read a lot about dragons.
Dead indicator.
Yeah, dead, he's got them dead to rights.
Yeah.
I read a lot about dragons.
They can be friendly if you keep their secrets.
Remember when I first talked to you,
this creature jumped on our house.
I know you think I'm a little loony,
but this is my assessment.
Just a little.
They leave us alone now,
but what will happen to us if they get mad?
I have exposed their comfortable neighborhood.
All of my neighbors are friendly now,
but what if I expose them?
I don't think they would like you exposing them either.
Now they leave me alone.
What happens after the photos are digitized
and cleared and published,
am I going to be clawed to death?
End quote.
Oh God.
No one's gonna see it.
I'm very surprised that you found it, Dave.
This is amazing.
Yeah, I don't think anyone's gonna have any idea.
This guy's just like,
he's ready to like accuse anyone of being a monster.
He's just like, oh, you got a tiny mustache
and your eyes are wide apart.
Are you Hitler Hammerhead?
You know, like-
I don't wanna get too deep into details here, but-
You fucking old Hitler.
Can we all just feel bad for Paul the Dragon?
Because you've got like dragons like Azeroth
and Grimfrost and it's like, I am Paul.
Yeah.
Yes.
You know, this isn't-
I just feel,
I feel bad for the actual human named Paul,
that this man is just accusing of being a dragon trying to,
but also not, actually, I don't feel bad for Paul.
He's trying to befriend a 16 year old.
That's fucking wild.
Also, 2009, isn't that right when that alien movie
named Paul came out with Seth Rogen?
Oh, right.
The weed smoke-
No, that was way later than that.
Was it?
No, it had to be like, I honestly think it was like 2009.
It was, it was, hold on a second.
You know, as wild as that,
I actually kind of fuck with that movie.
I like some of the things in the cross.
2011. 2011.
2011.
Okay, 2011.
Yeah.
So, all right, so yeah, so okay.
No relation, no relation.
Right.
So, so far we have, we got aliens, reptilians,
the Jersey devil and dragons just ruining this family's life.
So like, how, how could this get any worse?
Right?
Well-
You again, got a theory yet?
No, I'm excited.
I didn't know there was another thing coming, you know?
I actually, the real problem here is definitely mental health,
but we'll get to-
Yeah, yeah.
You know?
I think we solved the case.
Did I not say that at, did I not say that up top
at the beginning of this segment?
Yeah, you know, we had a lot of fun and just clue them in.
Yeah.
So, so how could this get any worse?
Well, why, why don't we just, you know, bring in the devil,
the Mayan doomsday prophecy and the lost planet of Nibiru
in on the action?
And he's got some good theories about all of it
on the homepage of his website.
I hate when idiots read, you know, it's just like,
just don't, you're so stupid.
Just don't read.
You're not, you're not going to read the right shit.
You know, just-
Dude.
The amount of websites that I've had to visit
that are just purely like neon green font
on like a bright red background is-
Is that really what you need to read?
Like is the white, is the white background too much?
To find this, like to find this shit.
Yeah, I got it.
It's not great.
That's why I got glasses.
These are new.
I haven't had to wear glasses before.
But what on earth of research you've had to do with this show is blinded you.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Now on the homepage of his website, he wrote this quote.
Now, if everyone listening should remember this is 2009, 2010 timeframe.
So this is way in the past.
Now he said, quote, in December 2012, it is reported that the earth is going to switch
poles due to the planet and the beer, who passing close to earth.
It is totally going to turn upside down, but it can't be December 2012.
The Mayan calendar created by Satan to tell the time of his demise is off by four years,
more like October or November, 2016.
The bureau was real and the dragons and reptilians and UFOs at my property are real.
The North port devil is real is the devil.
He is also known as Leviathan, the crooked serpent, the dragon and quote.
So I don't, the only thing about this that kind of makes sense is that I feel I remember
the 2012 thing, but I also do remember, I feel like there was a doomsday thing with
billboards and stuff in 2016 saying the world was going to end.
Well, that's what did I make that up?
Trump became president.
The first time was November, 2016.
I'll tell you that much.
And that's just across the other side of Florida.
You see it, you know, it's kind of a dragon, you know, he's got, he's got shitty eyes,
you know, who knows?
He's always in the woods chipping away at golf balls.
You know, his kind of physical embodiment of Paul the dragon, like lackluster in almost
every respect.
Oh my God.
It was a rough time, you know, 2016.
I now understand why he goes to Florida all the time.
He heard old Hitler was there.
Yeah, he was the guy.
Yeah, he's going to he's going to be in his cabinet.
Yeah, I mean, it's the new minister of education.
Yeah, no, that's actually Linda McMahon.
Fucking banana.
I know.
Yeah.
Did you see did you see Triple H in the fucking he was in the back of Linda McMahon during
the Senate hearings and he took a sip of water and he almost tilted his head up to like spit
it out.
You can see like, oh wait, not now.
Not now.
Oh, I forget.
Yeah, it's probably not a good idea.
Yeah, I'll wait.
I'll wait.
Literally like she's like the queen of head injuries and she's the department of education.
What's going to happen when she visits schools like Triple H is going to be body slamming
teachers throwing jitters across the cafeteria.
Oh my God.
To be fair, when I was when I was in school in New Hampshire, knowing that Triple H is
from New Hampshire, if Triple H showed up at my school and started bombing body slamming
teachers, I'd be fucking hyped as far.
Oh my God.
Are you kidding me?
I would have he would have won everyone over at my school to love the DGNeration X came
and just start to have people suck it, dude.
Fucking hell, yeah, dude.
Comes in.
I'm a kid who actually got suspended for doing that on stage.
He was running for like the suckers president or whatever in middle school and he did the
hell.
Yeah, that's all.
That's a winner right there, man.
That's a fucking brother.
No, he did not win the election.
You know, after this whole fucking spiel about Nibiru and all that stuff, there isn't much
information about what's been going on with Michael and his son, Shane.
Like I said, the website that Mike ran, Northport Devils dot com is no longer active and I couldn't
find any blogs or anything that he may have ran.
But there is still a YouTube channel and it's called Northport Devils that I'm pretty sure
is his.
Hell yeah.
It's got over a hundred videos.
Most of them are less than like a minute long and it's just videos of someone videotaping
a TV like an old tube TV, a glass screen, a curved glass screen.
He's videotaping a TV while it plays video evidence that they themselves recorded.
It's awesome.
Instead of just like uploading directly.
They haven't posted anything in about nine years, but about 12 years ago, they started
posting about how Quetzalcoatl, the Mayan god, was buzzing around outside of their house.
So that's OK.
But yeah, these guys sound like maybe they discovered Ayahuasca and just never looked
back.
Yeah, it sounds like it's more like the dad.
And this is kind of like that movie Bug situation.
I don't know if you've ever seen that.
I think it's actually Judd and someone else.
They the guy convinces her that there's bugs everywhere.
And he was like a tin foil house now.
You know what I'm talking about?
It's kind of like that.
I think the sun kind of got out of it because I think it's I think it's mostly just Michael
at this point who's suffering from some sort of breakdown.
But I don't know all the information and sites I could find like they just stopped updating
about the goings on in Northport and his family.
So we're going to call this one here and say that it's an ongoing story.
But according to one source I found, it seems like Mike and his kid don't regret moving
to Northport.
Mike having been quoted as saying, quote, Well, I'm retired.
I thought this is where you're supposed to go.
The only bad part is the aliens around here.
And quote.
So he's like, I mean, there's dragons everywhere, but the property tax is very low.
What are you going to do?
The man there ain't shit going on in Northport, man.
I'll tell you that much.
Amazing.
It's boring as fuck, dude.
I tried to find like everyone's like, I was trying to find like something interesting
about a town that we're talking about.
This is the one time where there's the sinkhole that people think are the is the fountain
of youth.
And I think there's like a museum.
That's about it.
This is a sinkhole is not a fountain of youth.
It's literally a sign of the world dying.
It's like, there's just like old TVs and washing machines, like shit people tried to throw
out.
Oh my God.
What's funny is that like on TripAdvisor.
So TripAdvisor will give you like interesting things to do, like in a city and it'll give
you like things in the actually underneath it.
It'll give you like nearby stuff.
That's interesting.
So the two things in Northport were like the sinkhole and like some like jewelry store or
whatever.
And then nearby, the second best thing to do was a Sitgo gas station.
So it's not like ideal.
It's not.
Oh yeah, man.
The sick.
Well, it was to be fair, it was the deli inside.
Oh, well, yeah, no one like a good Jewish deli inside of a sicko.
Everyone likes that.
I'm a shrami on rye with you with a little regular unleaded.
The sinkholes are all over Florida, by the way.
They're fucking everywhere.
I used to always go to this one in the middle of the woods outside of Tallahassee.
And it was fun.
It was really cool because you can like climb up in the trees and jump like 30 feet to the
sinkhole.
And the sinkhole was so deep, like no one knew exactly like how deep it was.
I mean, and then they one time the FSU sent a diving team down there and the entire sinkhole
is like lined with trees.
You know, it's like it is it's thick.
But they found a fire truck in the sinkhole, which makes no fucking sense.
It makes no sense whatsoever because like there isn't a gap in between trees wide enough
for a fire truck.
And so like everyone's so confused why there's a fire truck in the middle of the sinkhole
right outside of town.
That is insane.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's that's a mystery that I need to look into because that's fucking hilarious.
Really cool.
I like that every state has like a hole that people jump into to swim.
Yeah, we had the quarries for a long time and people would like push cars in there and
that's where you dump all your shit and kids around here.
Like that was like a badge of courage.
You would jump into the quarries.
I was too young.
I never got to because they they filled them in for the big dig.
Yeah.
But you would hear all the time about it still going on.
It's done now.
Because you is it though like one or two of the concrete tiles falling out of the tunnel
because it was put up there by a guy who lives exclusively on Bud Light.
You'll be fine.
Dude, I fucking worked in Worcester, Massachusetts for a year, and I was in this.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was in this warehouse where it's like a store fixtures like shelving for stores.
That's what they sold.
And there was there was one dude who worked there who drank an entire cube of Bud Light
every day while he worked.
He would go out to his car and bang like three out and then come back.
I'm like, and he drank 30 every shift.
It was and he like normal.
He didn't like he didn't seem drunk.
Like he didn't fucking it was crazy.
He got his job done.
It was I never see anything like a 30 rack of functioning alcohol.
Like that is.
But yeah, but there you have it.
That's our tour around Florida.
And how you feeling about it?
I know this is great.
I need this information for my Florida tour coming up.
This is exactly what.
Thank you.
I appreciate you.
Go find the sinkhole.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm going to I'm now going to do a North Shore, a Northport show to tens of people.
It's one of those bars that has a fence around the stage, like the one from fucking Roadhouse.
It's just like people throw beer bottles.
I ask him where the mic is.
They hand me a megaphone.
You know, it's like one of those little microphones you give to a kid that just echoes.
Oh, yeah, it has it has a tape.
Oh, man.
This was lovely.
I haven't actually haven't heard of any of this stuff, so it's really fucking cool.
I only knew about I only knew about the skunk cape and I knew a love bugs because, you know,
they're just torturous.
You'd occasionally.
But you know what the conspiracy theory behind never heard the conspiracy theory, but you
know, it makes someone had to explain why they were fucking everywhere and swallow them
occasionally.
You definitely like you.
Oh, yeah.
Because you know, you're just happy as hell riding your bike with your mouth open.
Fucking next thing you know, it's coming out your nose.
It's fucking disaster.
We have that problem with ladybugs.
Oh, yeah.
But at least they're cute.
Yeah.
But I mean, swallowing them sucks.
I know I could imagine up to up to North Conway in New Hampshire.
It's like this like nice little I want to say a resort because it's New Hampshire, but
it's like a nice town and you can go ski in there in the winter.
And in the summer, there's rivers everywhere.
Took my son up there in the fall because the foliage is beautiful and we were going to
go riding a train.
He was three, dude.
And he was super.
I was going to remember the foliage.
So he's he's standing with me and he's like, oh, oh, oh, dad, I swallowed a bug.
And I'm like, don't eat bugs, man.
What's wrong with you?
And then like a couple seconds later, he does it again.
And now I'm like, all right, do I need to take him to another school?
Like, yeah, we got to do here.
One more bugs.
Yeah, it happens.
So it happens a third time.
And I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
And I look behind him and the wall is just covered with ladybugs.
And so really are flying.
That's on you for being a neglectful parent.
You should have noticed this shit right away.
I mean, ladybugs are not a threat.
Yeah, they look apparently they are near your kid.
Barely gets going to die.
It's fine now.
He's got great grades.
He's totally normal.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
And great grades for Boston is like a D plus.
Well, that all out of the way.
I think we're coming up to the end of the episode.
And I want to thank you so much for coming on.
I was a nervous wreck if you can't tell by the name before you go.
Yeah, you guys are shipwrecked.
So you guys.
Yeah.
Wreck and roll over here, man.
You guys are all wrecked.
So I guess with that out of the way, Ed, do you want to do you want to plug anything you
got going on?
Invasive species.
Ed Larson tours Florida.
I'm coming, baby.
March 20th, Jacksonville, 21st and 22nd, Panama City.
I don't give a shit.
They said stay away.
I was like, fuck it.
I'm going anyway.
Beaches Comedy Club.
And then I'm doing Tallahassee on March 23rd.
That show is going to be with Danny Bedrosian of P Funk.
He's also he's yeah, he's for UNH fame.
He used to have a band up there called Sweet Mother Child.
I don't know if you guys saw them back in the day.
But yeah, no, but Danny's a keyboard player for Parliament Funkadelic.
He's got his own band called Some Fierce.
They're celebrating their anniversary.
And this is also the same theater that used to be a gay club in Tallahassee called Brothers.
Now it's called 926 Bar.
But it's where Henry and I started comedy together.
Henry's a browse case.
So I get so I get to return to the old stopping grounds and like really and do it up.
So I'm so excited to go 926 Bar.
That's gonna be on March 23rd.
And then in May, I'm doing another tour in South Florida.
I'm going to be in Naples on May 6.
Daniel Beach, which is Fort Lauderdale on May 7th and then Orlando on May 8th and then
May 9th, 10th and 11th Key West, baby.
It's going to be wild three nights in Key West, three nights.
It's going to be a while far south for the Key West show.
Dude, I'll I'll love Key West.
It's fucking silly ass town, man.
It's it is going to be I'm going to be working out of a hole the entire time I'm there, but
I'll give a shit.
It's going to be so much fun.
Yeah, that Panama City, I think are going to be the tough shows, but you're going to
want to come check it out.
And I heard they're animals in Naples as well, but I can't wait.
These are my people.
The one in Naples is at a fish fry restaurant called Off the Hook.
Yeah, man, I used to I know it was like my job in Florida for like seven years.
So I'm like ready to like hop on the line and cook some fish and then and then go yell
at you fuckers.
So come on out to any of these shows.
So Daniel Beach in Orlando is going to be with Henry Zabrowski.
We're going to do actual side story shows as well as my little stand up.
I love that your tour schedule is that of like a cross punk band that has achieved has
achieved some level of success with like nodded.
We can't we can't give up our roots.
We have we have to play at a fish fry.
Oh, my God.
When I they were like they're like, I don't think you want this place.
And they like explained it to me.
I was like, book that immediately.
No, no, no, no.
I need to shit my life.
They're like people.
I'm tired of playing.
Yes.
I'm tired of playing palladiums like we need I need to fucking I need a palette on the
floor as my stage.
That's what I need.
They notoriously booed Sam Morrill off the stage.
And I was like, OK, I was like, you know what?
I was like, I think they're going to love me for some reason.
You know, well, you're there people.
That's why like you like you are who they are.
This is a full Florida set.
There's a reason I'm going to Florida.
I have an hour of Florida material and I'm going about 20 minutes of more Florida.
It's make fun of them.
Thank you, brother.
I appreciate it.
This has been so much fun.
Sarge, Dave, I'm glad I came on the show.
Hopefully you all have me back in the future.
Yeah, absolutely.
I hope so.
And this was a truly a blast.
This is truly a blast.
Yeah.
Do you if people want to find you, where they can where can they find any tunes dot com,
baby?
I got all the things Eddie Tunes.
You know, I got all the last podcast based on the high end based comedy is there, man.
We got any shows that I got going on.
I got my Patreon.
It's Patreon dot com slash Eddie Tunes.
It's mostly music based, you know, not comedy, unfortunately.
So if you're a big music head and you want to you want to get down on what I'm throwing
down, that's what's over there.
I'm a music head.
So I do come.
I got all do the Eddie Tunes to our radio hour.
I like sent myself to DJ Fantasy Camp and I and even if you're a free member of the Patreon,
you get to listen to most of the episodes.
So make sure you all check that out.
Fucking not.
Well, I did make sure to wear my Black Dyer Murder shirt just for you because it's an amazing
band, but also because I was a big fan of that series.
That was awesome.
It was good.
It was really good.
Sorry.
Just saying you want to plug before we sign off.
I know you got some stuff going on, unfortunately, should have Sarge go first before.
No, I appreciate you letting me go again.
Yeah, I got more shit.
I'll just switch out the audio.
We'll figure it out.
Anyway, Sarge, what do you got to say?
The Sgt.
Supernormal coloring book is unfortunately still a relevant thing because a very terrible
person got reelected.
So you can purchase that.
It's nine ninety nine on Amazon.
Sarge's supernormal dot com.
You can color.
There's activities or you could just, you know, like roll it up and cook with it because
fuel prices are very.
You can swap love bugs with it.
That's all you really need to know.
Yeah, it comes down to it.
Yeah.
Sarge's supernormal dot com.
Don't get distracted.
It's just a link to the Amazon, but it's easier to say than the Amazon link.
And that's all.
That's all I got.
Hell yeah, man.
But also one day you'll get to write in a book with words in it.
No, I.
You guys want to if you guys want to follow us at Crypto Cocktail on Instagram, we got
a page on it's three dollars a month if you just want to support the show.
You know, you get a shout out on the show, seven dollars a month if you want unedited
video episodes of the show, that'll be seven dollars a month.
Plus some extra goodies we'll throw in there as well.
And with that out of the way, normally Sarge says goodbye and love it to the audience.
But Eddie, would you like to say goodbye and love it to the audience?
Hey, everybody, goodbye.
And I love you.
Oh, you did kisses.
Oh, yeah, we're throwing consent out the window.
Let me see.
Let me see your bottom.
Oh, I'm going to suck the berries out your ass.
Oh, you're so beautiful.
This was a mistake.
Thank you guys for having me on.
This was a blast.
You guys are fucking awesome.