1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:25,600 Hey everybody! 2 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,960 Welcome back to another episode of Crypto Cocktail Party Show where we have a few drinks, 3 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,360 a few laughs, take a dive into the unknown. 4 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:34,680 I'm your host Dave, joined as always by my wonderful co-host Sarge. 5 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,400 How's it going handsome? 6 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:37,840 Oh, I'm great. 7 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:38,480 I'm great. 8 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,560 There's snow everywhere and I feel like shit. 9 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:45,560 Let's let's talk about animals that aren't real. 10 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:47,440 OK, maybe it might be real. 11 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,640 They could be real. 12 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,480 Because it's well, we'll see. 13 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:53,200 You just don't know. 14 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:56,040 Yeah, but I'm sorry you're sick still. 15 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:56,840 You look good, though. 16 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:58,800 You don't look miserable. 17 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,800 You don't look as miserable as you sound because you sound like hell. 18 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:02,200 Oh, yeah. 19 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,520 No, I've taken a lot of drugs. 20 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:05,360 Hell, yeah, dude. 21 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:07,560 Fucking you're ready to party is what you're saying. 22 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:11,160 Yeah, I've got Sudafed, Daquil, Ibuprofen. 23 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:12,680 I'm ready to fucking roll. 24 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,240 Now, that's a cocktail vibe, everyone. 25 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:19,560 All right. 26 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,600 Well, again, sorry you're sick. 27 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:23,600 Yeah, I don't know. 28 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,000 I got nothing going on. 29 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,120 I got glasses. 30 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,760 I look like I should be drinking IPA. 31 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:28,680 They look good. 32 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:29,320 They look good. 33 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,760 Don't patronize me. 34 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:32,240 This is an IPA podcast now. 35 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,000 It looks so fucking good. 36 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:41,880 Just going to tell the long, detailed story of the birth of an IPA. 37 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,080 So what made you come up with Juice Newton? 38 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,200 I look insufferable. 39 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,600 Like no one wants to talk to me. 40 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,480 No, I think you picked the right style. 41 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,320 I think you picked the right style for your face. 42 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:56,240 Those look good. 43 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,160 I wouldn't lie to you. 44 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:01,920 If they didn't look good, I'd be like, you look different. 45 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:03,000 That's a new look. 46 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,000 It's just no one warned me that when you get glasses. 47 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,840 I mean, obviously, I knew I was going to get used to them, 48 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:11,400 like seeing through them, because I'm looking through a pane of glass now. 49 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:13,160 But no one told me about it. 50 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:17,160 Everything looks like a funhouse mirror, like until my brain figures it out. 51 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:21,560 Like, dude, when I first put them on, thank God I wasn't driving. 52 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,640 My wife took me to go get the glasses. 53 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:27,000 And I was in the passenger seat driving home wearing them. 54 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,280 Dude, I almost thought I thought I was going to throw up. 55 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:30,560 I thought I had like vertigo. 56 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,000 Like, he's like giving me like a panic attack. 57 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,000 It's pretty bad. 58 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,440 It's not cool. 59 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:39,440 The first time I got glasses, I looked down and I and I was like immediately 60 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:42,640 freaked out because it looked like I was so much taller than I am. 61 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,440 Oh, yeah, I do. My depth perception is fucked right now. 62 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,360 Like I go to reach for something and I'm like, am I touching it? 63 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,160 Am I close? I don't know. 64 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,760 It's you'll get used to it. 65 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,600 It takes a little while, but it takes like a week or so. 66 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:56,680 And then you're used to it. 67 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,320 Pretty much my advice for anyone out there, if you're thinking about getting 68 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,040 glasses, don't. It sucks. 69 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,560 Yeah, just stay blind. 70 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,000 Stay blind. 71 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,520 Dude, I did. 72 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,120 I can like see in like 4K now. 73 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,120 It's wild, dude. 74 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,640 Like, is this what everybody else has been seeing this whole time? 75 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:19,600 Dude, I had them on and I took them off for a minute and I was like, fuck, dude, like 76 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:22,720 I really see anything. 77 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,400 I should not like I can see sound. 78 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,280 Like my eyesight is so good that I can like taste food better. 79 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,760 Like all my other senses like 80 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:32,880 it's fucking wild. 81 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,120 See the sound, the sound waves vibrating off of things. 82 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,200 Oh, yeah, dude. It's bananas. 83 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,440 Like everything is. Yeah. 84 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,480 All right, Sarge, I know you're sick. 85 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,320 I'm not going to keep you. 86 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:48,240 I think we have a pretty good episode. 87 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,880 I you kind of have an idea of what we're talking about, but you don't know. 88 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:51,680 I'm very excited. 89 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,920 You don't know the full scope of what we're about to talk about. 90 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,000 I'm so excited. 91 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,560 All right, so this week, we're going to be doing something a little bit different. 92 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,320 We're going to be talking religion, specifically Mormonism. 93 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:04,680 Bring on the funny underwear. 94 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:10,240 I just want to say up top that we are not religious by any stretch of the imagination, 95 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:12,640 but we also aren't here to yuck anybody's yum. 96 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:16,360 You know, if you're Mormon, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, whatever, that's awesome. 97 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,120 Whatever you need to believe to make you the best version of you. 98 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:20,400 I'm all for it. 99 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:24,440 Just as long as you're not hurting anyone, believe what you want to believe. But 100 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,880 with that out of the way, we will be dragging the hell out of Mormonism 101 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:32,000 because I personally don't trust a religion that was founded 102 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:35,640 50 years out from the invention of the car. So that's. 103 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,240 Yes. Yes. 104 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,840 And you know, things aren't great 105 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:43,200 when the founder of your religion is tarred and feathered 106 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,920 for banging everybody's life. 107 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,000 It's true fact. You can look it up. 108 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,840 It's dude. Yeah. 109 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,160 We're not going to dive too much into Joseph Smith. 110 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,400 He will get into a little bit about it. 111 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,160 Idiot. Yeah. So and a liar. 112 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:04,040 I'm sure most, if not all of you listening, are familiar with Mormonism 113 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,200 in one way or another. 114 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:09,520 But if not, let's just do a quick crash course of the Mormon faith. 115 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,800 All right. So officially known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day 116 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,160 Saints or LDS, if you're nasty, it was founded in the 19th century 117 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,440 by known con man, fraudster and literal convicted traitor. 118 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,400 Joseph Smith. 119 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,360 Smith claimed that he received divine revelations 120 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,080 and some golden plates by an angel named Moroni. 121 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,120 Moroni Moroni Moroni sounds funny. 122 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,440 Oh, no, I think it's Moroni. 123 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,120 Moroni sounds like a like a Dick Tracy villain. 124 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,320 Hey, it's Moroni. I got these gold tablets here. 125 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,520 You want to put them in your head? Take a look at them. 126 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:47,320 Hi, hey, he's a he's a nice tablets you got here. 127 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,160 Be ashamed if something happened to him. 128 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:56,360 Now, Smith took these gold tablets and used them to translate the Book of Mormon. 129 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:02,200 Now, Mormonism, in some aspects, is the same as any other branch of Christianity 130 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,840 in the sense that there's a God, Jesus having help that sort of stuff. 131 00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:10,800 But it also deviates we'll wildly from mainstream Christianity as any good cult 132 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:16,800 does. For instance, like bare bones, boilerplate, milk toast Christianity primarily relies on the 133 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:22,400 Bible for all of its teachings, whereas Mormonism includes additional scriptures like Doctrine of 134 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:28,640 Covenants and Pearl of Great Price, which expands upon or sometimes just straight up reinterpret, 135 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:34,000 reinterpret, reinterprets traditional narratives. Other ways it branches off of mainstream 136 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:41,280 Christianity is that it teaches that humans existed in a pre-mortal state, meaning like we're kind of 137 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:46,000 like little soul babies just kind of floating around before we get into a human body. It's 138 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:50,240 kind of like that Scientology thing with like Thetans or whatever the fuck. Yes. Yeah, it's 139 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:56,480 kind of like that. But yeah, so basically before we come to earth in a human body, we're just a little 140 00:06:56,480 --> 00:07:04,400 soul sperm, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, just getting penetrated by soul sperm. Yeah. They also 141 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:10,800 believe that God has a physical body. He's not just like a fucking, he's not everywhere, I guess. 142 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:15,200 I don't really know, but he, but he, you know, he's a dude. He's just a guy. He's a chill guy. 143 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:20,560 He's just a bro. Yeah. He's just chilling out. He's just like the rest of us. Yeah. And they, 144 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:26,000 they also believe that the most faithful of the faithful can achieve godhood in the afterlife, 145 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:30,880 which I mean, that's pretty fucking gnarly. And given the chance, I would be the hell out of that 146 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:37,200 power. I would like, I would so abuse that. Oh God, it'd be so bad. Yeah. Yeah. I would, I would, 147 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:41,680 what I would do is if I attained godhood in the afterlife, if I was Mormon, what I would do is I 148 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:47,040 would talk to people, like just random people so that they seem crazy on the street. Like I 149 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,320 wouldn't tell them. Oh yeah. You know what I mean? Like I wouldn't tell them I was like a god. I 150 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:56,640 would just do, they just fuck with people hardcore. I'd be like, everyone knows you're masturbating. 151 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,520 At least wash your hands after you're savage. 152 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,920 Just wait for someone to start touching themselves and be like, Hey, cut it out. 153 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:15,360 But, but one thing about the Mormon beliefs that I don't think many people know about is that the 154 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:21,360 LDS church has developed, developed a unique, I guess you could call it interpretation of 155 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:27,600 biblical geography. Oh yeah. And this is where our episode can kind of sort of began. So most, 156 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:33,360 if not all key events in the Bible take place in the middle East, right? Every, you know, 157 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:39,360 like most religious country. Yeah. Most religious traditions put the garden of Eden, for example, 158 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:44,240 somewhere near Mesopotamia, which is now modern day Iraq. Yeah, I've been there. There's, there's 159 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:51,120 really not a lot of green space there. Well, maybe Mormonism is for you because our boy Joseph Smith, 160 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:56,320 he doesn't ascribe to that theory. Smith claims that the true location of the garden of Eden, 161 00:08:56,320 --> 00:09:02,720 the birthplace of humanity is actually located in Jackson County, Missouri. 162 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,920 I've been to Missouri. It is like the meth capital of the world. I find it very hard to 163 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:11,600 believe that that is the cradle of civilization. Oh no. Yeah. I know it was. 164 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:22,080 Do you, why would you doubt this? Because I, I feel like, uh, Adam and Eve were not messed out all the time. 165 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,960 It would explain the incest for sure. No. 166 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:39,520 No. So yeah. So the garden of Eden, you guys might recognize that as 167 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:44,320 the paradise on earth that God created for Adam and Eve before being cast out for eating some fruit. 168 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:51,120 And the Mormons also believe this, but just like the 1958 classic by Hank Ballard and the Midnighters, 169 00:09:51,120 --> 00:10:00,480 the Mormons do a twist. I was proud of that one. Brilliant. Now in Mormon theology, 170 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:05,760 the story of Adam and Eve is basically the same story with some big key differences. For one, 171 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:12,160 Adam was actually Michael the Archangel. Now this is kind of goes back to the soul babies thing. So 172 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:18,000 there's a lot going on here. This is a complicated tale. 173 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:22,000 Now they also believe that Adam and Eve being kicked out of Eden, it wasn't really like that big of a deal 174 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:28,240 in that their fall from grace was like a necessary step in God's plan because Adam and Eve decided to 175 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:34,080 pretty much spit in God's face. Humanity was now able to experience mortality. They could have kids, 176 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:40,480 but not before marriage, of course, and they could progress towards exaltation in the afterlife. 177 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:45,200 But even though this whole thing isn't seen as a sin in the eyes of the Mormons, 178 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:50,720 Adam and Eve were still kicked out of Eden and part of their punishment was to set up the first 179 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:55,360 human civilization. Now that settlement, the cradle of humanity, the birthplace of all to come and all 180 00:10:55,360 --> 00:11:03,040 that ever will be is known as Adam on the Ammon. So it is at this site that Adam met his children 181 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:07,440 and bestowed his blessings three years before his death. And according to Smith, this is also where 182 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:13,920 the second coming of Jesus Christ will take place. Now, where do you think this sacred Mormon Mecca 183 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:18,160 might be located, Sarge? I mean, I don't know, Arrowhead Stadium? 184 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:23,440 Well, it's about five miles south of Jameson and Davies County, Missouri. 185 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,160 Ah, that would explain the 3000 acres they own there. 186 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:34,480 Yeah, so they they did. They they they do own a lot of land. I didn't really. I guess Mormons, 187 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:39,920 they were big in Missouri for a while. And then there was a literal war to fucking kick them out. 188 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,800 They were kicked out. Yeah. And then they moved to Utah and then they started killing a lot of 189 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:49,200 people just for no reason. Yeah. Well, no, I guess they went to Illinois after they've been everywhere. 190 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:54,160 They're like, yeah, yeah, no one wants to warm. It's like the Johnny Cash song. I've been everywhere, 191 00:11:54,160 --> 00:12:00,880 man, because no one wants me here because of my weird underwear. I believe that's how the rest of 192 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:07,120 the song goes pretty close, I think. Now, I know those of you listening who saw the episode title 193 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,960 are probably like, fuck, dude, just get to the good part already. And Sarge, you're probably 194 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:15,280 thinking the same thing because you don't know. You don't actually know, like the points that I'm 195 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:19,920 trying to get to by talking about all this. I don't. I was not aware of any of this. Well, 196 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:24,720 here it is. So you know the story of Cain and Abel, right? Yes. Of course. Pretty well known 197 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:30,400 story. Famous brothers. Yeah. In a nutshell, the story goes like this. Cain and Abel, the sons of 198 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:36,880 Adam and Eve, they each made offerings to God. Abel being a shepherd sacrificed a lamb. Cain was 199 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:42,080 a farmer, so he presented God with some crops. For some reason, God, probably because he's a 200 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:46,880 bloodthirsty psychopath and loves violence, he favored Abel's offering. He worshiped his son 201 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:54,160 with a cannibalism ritual. So yeah, he favored Abel's offering over Cain's. Now, Cain didn't 202 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:59,360 really like that outcome, so he decided the best way to remedy the situation was to violently face 203 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:06,320 fuck his brother with a big rock. Yeah, fair enough. Now, the first murder. Yeah. So turns out God only 204 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:11,520 likes bloodshed when it's done in his name. So as a punishment for committing the world's first 205 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:17,040 murder, he cursed Cain, marking him so that no one could kill him and condemning him to wander 206 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:22,960 the earth for eternity. Now, the quote unquote mark of Cain has been up for debate for as long 207 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:28,240 as this story has existed, which is like millennia. Some interpretations suggest it was some sort of 208 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:34,560 physical feature, like a deformity or a birthmark type deal. Others say it was like a divine aura, 209 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:39,520 like dude's vibe just changed, so no one could kill him or something like that. Okay. So he's 210 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:46,000 a Highlander now. Pretty much, but some think he was transformed into a seven to 10 foot tall, 211 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:54,560 hair covered humanoid, better known today as Andre the Giant. Bigfoot. Oh, damn. 212 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,240 That's a fucking twist I was not ready for. 213 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:04,880 Are you familiar with that at all? No, that's amazing. 214 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:11,440 Yeah. This isn't true for all Mormons. And for the most part, this is kind of Mormon folklore, 215 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:19,120 but among some LDS members, this is what they think happened to Cain. Oh my God. This makes 216 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:26,960 my fucking day. Just when I think those fuckers can't get more silly, they get more silly. Oh, 217 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:30,960 yeah, I do. This is, this is next level shit. Now, why do they think this? I'm sure it's 218 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:37,280 probably what's on your mind right now, because that's a huge leap to make from being cursed by 219 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:44,960 God to being fucking Bigfoot. Well, it all comes down to a man named David W. Patton, 220 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:51,920 an early apostle of the LDS church who described an encounter he had with Cain in 1835 that was 221 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:58,720 later published in Spencer W. Kimball's book, The Miracle of Forgiveness. Now about five years 222 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:04,800 ago, David said, quote, as I was riding along the road on my mule, I suddenly noticed a very strange 223 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:11,120 personage walking beside me. His head was about even with my shoulder as I sat on my saddle. He 224 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:17,600 wore no clothing, but covered in hair. His skin was very dark. I asked him where he dwelt and he 225 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:23,520 replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro. He said he 226 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:28,880 was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the 227 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:34,560 earth, but that he could not die and his mission was to destroy the souls of men, end quote. 228 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:40,880 Oh, it's a lot of exposition for just just like a simple meeting. Well, I mean, yeah, but then 229 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:48,160 it goes on to say that once Cain spoke those words to him, he, David rebuked him in the name 230 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:53,360 of Jesus Christ, and then he just went back into the forest. Right. So, he was a very 231 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,520 miserable creature. He was a very miserable creature. He was a very miserable creature. 232 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:02,240 And I mean, I think it's a lot of people who have been like, oh, I'm going to be in the forest or 233 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,840 like disappear or some shit like that. I mean, I would have done the exact same thing. Like if 234 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,440 I'm walking down the street and some dudes like I rebuke you in the name of Christ, they'd be like, 235 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:15,280 all right, I'm going to walk away from you. But I mean, you could easily see how that can be fucking 236 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:21,680 quicker. Yeah, no, that's that's that's that's big. But that that doesn't mean it's big foot, 237 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:27,280 you know? I mean, at that point, if you're that tall, everybody's got big feet when you're that 238 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:33,200 tall, naked and covered in hair. He could have been Albanian. You don't know. Sure. Sounds like 239 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:38,400 he could have been Italian. Fucking Greek. It could have been Morona Moroni. Hey, fuck. 240 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:46,240 Moroni over here. Walk it over here. Get your people out of the way. I thought about I thought 241 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:52,160 about death. I thought about death. I can't die. I can't fucking die. Come here with your donkey. 242 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:58,480 You fucking think you know everything. Get out of here. Get back on the train or whatever they 243 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:03,680 fucking have in New York. I don't got no home. I wander. All right. Fuck. Leave me alone. 244 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:15,040 I killed my brother. I gave God some nice arugula. He said, fuck you. So I killed my brother. What 245 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,120 are you going to do? What are you going to do about it? I'm a fucking bastard. I said, 246 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:20,240 oh, the rock. What are you going to do? It was a nice rock. 247 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:31,120 Fuck that. I grabbed my nicest rock. I got blood on my rock. Hey, 248 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:42,080 I got blood on my tracksuit. This is the law. The fuck you want to know is what would gangsters 249 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:47,120 have worn before Jesus died because they don't have the they can't wear the cross. You know, 250 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:51,920 star David. Oh yeah. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot. Yeah. 251 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:59,120 But on the thinnest of gold chains. Yes. Yeah. I know it has to be a really thin gold chain. Yeah. 252 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:04,800 That's opulence right there. Yeah. Reading all this back after writing the script, I realized 253 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:12,000 this is a goofy religion. Yeah. It really is the silliest shit on earth. Like, I want to try and 254 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,480 take it seriously, but I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink caffeine. Like you don't drink 255 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:20,880 alcohol. That's fair. I get it. It's, it's not for everybody, but caffeine, come on, what the fuck is 256 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:25,440 wrong with you? What's weird is that like when I was reading about Mormonism and like writing this 257 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:30,400 all out and stuff like that, like it didn't seem that weird in the moment. I mean, it's weird, but 258 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:35,520 like, yeah, I think it's, I think all religions are a little weird. I think I had to say all of this 259 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:42,640 out loud. So like really hear myself and be like, wow, all right, cool. That's why when Mormons, 260 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:48,720 like they, when they ambush you in a parking lot, they try to give you a book because they say it 261 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:54,080 out loud. It's going to sound real dumb. It's very true. Yeah. They kind of beat around the 262 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:58,880 bush when they come to your door. You know what I mean? You have to figure out. I do have a funny 263 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:03,920 story about Mormons. Hey fucker, we got time. Let's go for it. This is brave. This is brave of them. So 264 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:14,000 I went to the, to the local liquor store and I came out with, with some beer and I got my car 265 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:20,320 and I just about to start my car and this squirrely little guy in his sidekick, 266 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:25,760 wearing a short sleeve white t-shirt with a black tie and a little name tag. Yeah. Knocked on my 267 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:35,200 window. Ooh, that's wild. And I'm like, bold choice, bold choice, this close to Boston that 268 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:39,760 you're going to knock on the window of a car in a parking lot and not expect to get murdered. But 269 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:44,800 also a liquor store parking, like a, like a packy parking lot. Like that's even worse. Like, like 270 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,920 that's where you get robbed. My favorite thing though, my favorite thing about the entire 271 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:53,040 encounter is with my window up, he like kind of leaned down and was like, would you like to come 272 00:19:53,040 --> 00:20:01,040 to church with us? And I didn't even respond. I just backed out of the parking lot and drove away. 273 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:10,000 Like I looked at him and then I looked at my rear view, like dashed my rear view camera and just 274 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:15,680 backed out. Yeah, dude. Like fucking that's bold. I've got a 12 pack of beer in the back of my car. 275 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:20,800 I'm not going to join your weird fucking religion where I can't drink it. Yeah. Right. That's a weird 276 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:26,320 place to convert people. I feel like AA meetings are like, like a, like a, like that's where you 277 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:30,800 kind of convert people when they're looking for guidance, not someone who is actively in the midst 278 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:36,160 of trying to get blackout. Right. But I'm also like a fucking combat veteran. Like don't knock on my 279 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:40,560 window. That won't always end well for you. Well, they didn't know that it's not like it's a secret. 280 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:45,040 I've got a veteran sticker in the back of my car, but does it say you had to walk by it to knock on 281 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:50,640 my window? But does the sticker say don't knock on my window? I'm a combat veteran. I will murder you. 282 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:57,760 I'm going to get that sticker. Dear Mormons, knock at your own peril. Okay. You'll wish you were 283 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:03,520 tired and feathered. You little twerp. I could have folded that kid up and put them in my pocket. I 284 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:12,480 was so angry. He's, he's just doing his best, man. Yeah, no, he didn't know. That's why I didn't kill 285 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:17,520 him. He didn't know any better. That's fair. But I wanted to beat him to death, but I'm like, you know 286 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:24,800 what? He's clearly not from here. This is a very different environment from Salt Lake City. But anyways, 287 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:29,680 back to, back to, sorry about that. Back to Mormon. And to those two Mormon kids, if you happen to 288 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:33,360 stumble upon this podcast, thank you for leaving the church. Cause that's the only way you're 289 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:38,720 listening to this if you left the church. Back to Mormon Bigfoot. How are we feeling so far? So we 290 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:45,280 have Cain, Cain got cursed by God. God turned up into Bigfoot. This makes me so fucking happy. And then 291 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:51,360 an early, uh, apostle from the church had an encounter with Cain where he describes him as 292 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:57,760 Bigfoot. How are you, you feeling good about this so far? It makes my day. I also learned that. So 293 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:02,480 this dude, this dude, Patton or whatever, the guy who had this encounter with Cain, AKA Bigfoot, 294 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:11,360 I learned that his Patton's mom was baptized into the Mormon church by Brigham Young, that guy, that 295 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:19,440 guy, whoever fucking, yeah. So it's pretty crazy. He's got, he's got a strong vintage there. Yeah. 296 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:26,160 So, so Patton's claims, uh, they spread throughout the Mormon communities. And then later as stories 297 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,680 of Bigfoot started becoming more prevalent, not just like in the Pacific, North or the West, 298 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:35,200 but all over the country, uh, specifically there were some pretty big deal, like sightings in Utah. 299 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:42,560 Um, I guess. And so it was a pretty easy jump for some Mormon people to like connect the two figures. 300 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:49,520 Now, some believers, Mormon and non-Mormon alike, even suggest that Bigfoot's abilities, things like 301 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:55,280 telepathy, interdimensional travel, and his supernatural elusiveness. And being blurry all 302 00:22:55,280 --> 00:23:00,080 the time when people try to take pictures of him. Yeah, this all could be linked to Cain's like divine 303 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:04,880 punishment, reinforcing the idea that he was cursed beyond just physical wandering. And 304 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,680 we'll get into it after I was about to complain for a minute. 305 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:20,480 So pretty much to sum it all up, if you believe this theory, that means that every time someone 306 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:26,320 spots a Bigfoot, they aren't just seeing a cryptid or some unknown species of like species of ape. 307 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:33,440 They are literally witnessing a biblical figure cursed by fucking God himself. And not going to 308 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:38,000 lie, that's pretty fucking rad. That's kind of mind blowing. That's kind of mind blowing. 309 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,960 That's kind of how I feel every time I see, uh, Joel Olsteen 310 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:52,560 cursed to walk the earth with that giant creepy fucking conjuring smile. He's got, yeah. But 311 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:59,120 anyways, so there you have it, Sarge. This is literally what this boils down to is this is 312 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:04,640 the most roundabout way for me to tell you that I learned from watching a TikTok that Cain is 313 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:11,440 actually Bigfoot. I just needed to tell someone about it. Thank God. Thank God. TikTok came back 314 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:16,240 because this makes me so happy. Yeah. So I was like, fuck dude. I learned about this and I was 315 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:20,800 like, I have to do it. But if just telling you this little Bigfoot section is in a full episode. 316 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,400 So I was like, I'll throw in some other Mormon shit. This is just a way for me to talk to you 317 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:32,560 about this. It's so, they're just so goddamn weird. I had a, I had a roommate in basic training. 318 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:38,480 It's a long story for those of you wondering why I had a roommate. There wasn't a lot of space for 319 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:42,240 us. So I couldn't sleep in the bays. So four of us got stuck in this little room. Anyway, 320 00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:50,800 my roommate, the kid who slept in the bunk above me was Mormon. And I, I was curious. I wanted to 321 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:55,600 learn more about the Mormon faith. And after about 20 minutes of him talking, I was like, oh, this is 322 00:24:55,600 --> 00:25:01,680 all bullshit. This is all silly. None of this is real. Oh yeah. He was a nice kid. He was weird as 323 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:07,200 fuck though. And his Mormonism did not help him. Like he was already a weird guy. And then he 324 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:13,200 started talking about his religion. And I was like, well, to be fair, any religion that was founded 325 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:21,360 after the invention of the plane, I can take it or leave it. Not great. Not great. If you, 326 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:28,880 there's a great show called American primeval on Netflix. Yeah. And it does a, I mean, it's 327 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:34,720 obviously a dramatization, so it's a little over the top, but it does a pretty good explanation 328 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:40,720 of the Mormon massacres out in Utah. Yeah. There's also, um, murder among the Mormons is 329 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:44,800 another good documentary as well. Like, Oh, that one's really good too. Yeah. Yeah. 330 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:49,040 It's fucking scary, dude. You, you did it. They are terrifying people. You did your episode on 331 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:52,560 gang stalking and you did not bring up the Mormons enough when it comes to that kind of 332 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:57,120 shit. People try to leave the church. They get gang stalks. Like this is like, this is like real 333 00:25:57,120 --> 00:26:01,600 gang stalking. Not like people believing that. Well, the same shit happens with, um, Scientology 334 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:07,120 with Jehovah witnesses in Scientology. It's because hear me out. It's because they're not 335 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:13,760 a religion. They are. Yes. Stay with me now. Occult. Yes. That's why anytime your religion 336 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:19,280 stalks you after you leave it, it's not a religion. You're, you're, you're an occult and it's 337 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:25,680 dangerous. Yeah. So maybe let's not do that anymore. But again, if you're scared to leave your 338 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:32,640 religion, you are an occult. Yeah. If there's like real diabolical consequences for you deciding, 339 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:37,040 Hey, maybe this isn't for me. Like even the Amish have rum spring out. Like they don't give a fuck. 340 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:41,120 Like, Hey, if this is for you, this is for you. If it's not, it's not like it's fine. Yeah. Go out, 341 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:46,080 get wasted, fuck people. And if you don't, don't like it, come on back and hang out. That's something 342 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:50,400 I can get behind. Yeah. Let your kids run wild for a little bit. Maybe, maybe it'll get out of their 343 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:57,440 system and be like, you know what? I do want to churn my own butter. I mean, I do, but not in front 344 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:04,160 of God. I don't want zippers. Oh, fuck. I should have led with this. So I learned a bunch of weird 345 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:11,040 Mormon stuff too. So we all know. So yeah, obviously. Yes. Sooking. So soaking is, is, you know, 346 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:15,920 whatever. But then I forget what the term is called, but there's another thing where you soak, 347 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:20,800 but you have a friend jump on the bed at the foot of the bed and they shake it for you. 348 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:38,000 Now, so you're not doing any of the motion, but it's amazing. But they're just, they're so creative. 349 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:47,200 I learned something else too. And it's called sparking. And, oh, so, uh, sparking is basically, 350 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:56,000 it's so there's like different types of like dry humping in and zippering is basically when you're 351 00:27:56,000 --> 00:28:03,600 dry humping front to front. So your zippers are, oh, okay. It's called sparking risks. Yeah. 352 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:09,520 The friction might burn you a little bit hilarious. And these people, there was a desperate need. 353 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:12,880 There's another one too. Hold on. I gotta, I gotta figure it out. Let me just, I gotta, 354 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:24,480 I gotta make a phone call. Hi, Mitt Romney. John, I have a question for you. You're on speaker 355 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:30,560 right now. I'm recording an episode of the podcast. This episode is about, uh, Mormons and I need, 356 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:36,960 well, what were the, the, the two, so there's, they're soaking and then there, what were the 357 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:48,960 two dry humping ones called? Uh, uh, uh, zipper sparking. Yeah. And then, oh my God, what was, 358 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:55,760 I think it started with an N. What was the other one? Now, now it's going to make me mad 359 00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:58,960 because I can't think of it right off the top of my head. Why is it that we only remember sparking 360 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:06,720 and not the other one? Zipper sparking is funnier. That's true. Durfing. That's what it is. 361 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,880 Durfing. Durfing and zipper sparking. All right, cool. Thank you, John. 362 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:19,680 I'll talk to you tomorrow. Durfing. There's no F. Why is there an F in the, there's no F in dry 363 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:26,080 humping. Why is there an F? Durfing is non-penetrative sexual activity between members of the LSD, 364 00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:36,560 also known as provo. Hold on. Wait, there's another one. There's another one. It's called, uh, 365 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:45,760 going to Yellowstone. I have, oh my God, these people, dude, I don't know. Anyway, so yeah, 366 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:49,920 so there you have it. So loophole makes me so happy. I don't know how I'm going to edit this 367 00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:54,640 together, but this is a lot of stuff. But yeah, so they have it. How you feeling? How you feeling 368 00:29:54,640 --> 00:30:05,520 good? Do you feel better? I, I, I, I lost for words. I'm even more disappointed in this religion, 369 00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:11,840 if that's possible. Yeah. No, but I also think they're the most whimsically silly people on 370 00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:18,480 earth. Had they not murdered like over a hundred settlers in Utah, I might even think they're 371 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:26,320 comical. I will say I've met some Mormons in my day. They are very naive, very gullible, very, 372 00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:31,040 very sweet people. They're very, yeah. Some of the nicest people they ever meet. 373 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:37,120 Are they dumb as bricks? Probably not dumb. I don't want to say that. Naive. That's I guess 374 00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:43,440 naive is probably the best way to put it. That's the right word. They're, their whole view of the 375 00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:50,080 outside world outside of their church is I don't know where they're getting it from. It's wild. 376 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:54,720 Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you, first of all, you live in Salt Lake city, Utah. 377 00:30:55,520 --> 00:31:00,560 It's wild because the surrounding areas are like the biggest party places in the world. 378 00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:09,520 Yeah. I don't know. It's great. They're brave, brave and naive, but they have it. Sorry. That is 379 00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:13,600 the story of the Mormon Bigfoot. I don't know how I'm going to title this episode, but Mormon 380 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:18,720 and Bigfoot will be in there. I think you should also put Durfing just for fun. It'll be in the 381 00:31:18,720 --> 00:31:24,480 episode description. I'll make sure to link them all to the urban dictionary definitions. 382 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:29,840 That's the way to do it. It's going to be good. Hashtag poop hole loop hole. 383 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:37,440 You got anything you want to plug, promote, say, talk about, say, 384 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:43,040 yeah, get the coloring book. It's more relevant now than it has ever been. Unfortunately, 385 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:51,120 Saaj's super normal.com 9 99. There's lots of pages and there's activities. So get that. 386 00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:56,160 There is activities. I haven't done mine. Mine. Mine's still, I don't know if you can see it. 387 00:31:56,160 --> 00:32:00,000 Mine's still in mint condition. I'm hoping one day it'll be a collector's item. Yeah. Mine's 388 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:06,560 just kicking back there. All right. Well, if you want to follow us on Instagram, it's 389 00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:10,000 at Cribb the Cocktail. Follow us on TikTok, Cribb the Cocktail party. We have a Patreon 390 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:16,640 where for $3 a month, you can just, you know, kick it, chill, support the show. We'll give you a 391 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:23,200 shout out on the episodes. There's also another tier is $7 a month where you get unedited episodes, 392 00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:29,680 video episodes. You can see our dumb faces and all the mistakes and all the takes that I have to do 393 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:34,960 to make this listenable. And you get to look at all the fun stuff in my background. Yeah. Yeah. 394 00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:39,520 In Baphomet, my Baphomet Christmas ornament that's hanging above my head. Yeah. Oh, I don't have 395 00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:45,440 Baphomet. I have a, this is a predator Christmas ornament. That'll work. Yeah. That works too. 396 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,800 I like that we both have Christmas ornaments just hanging up in our, this is, you know, 397 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:54,400 this is what it meant to be Sarge. This is why we linked up. Exactly. I was actually explaining 398 00:32:54,400 --> 00:33:01,120 to my brother-in-law last night, last night I was at my cousin's 16 year old birthday party. 399 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:06,720 And he was talking about our podcast and he's like, so how did you guys get linked up? And I 400 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:12,480 was like, well, we met on Tik Tok and then I came on an episode and then I just never left. 401 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:16,320 And he's like, that's really cute. And I was like, yeah, it was definitely a meet cute. 402 00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:20,640 It is adorable. Yeah. It worked out in both of our favors. We're killing it right now. It really did. 403 00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:27,520 A hundred percent. Certainly in my favor. Both. I feel like we, I feel like this show took off 404 00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:31,920 after you came on. I mean, I'm not saying it was all you, but I mean like, no, no, it's certainly, 405 00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:40,400 I wouldn't either. I was saying that both of us alone couldn't do what we do together. Right. 406 00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:45,040 With our powers combined. Exactly. That's what it is with our powers combined. Exactly. Very 407 00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:51,440 captain planet. And if you, and if, and if you join the Patreon, you can watch me put my hands 408 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:58,800 together in the powers combined symbol. So yeah, alone that to look forward to if we were both 409 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:06,400 captain planet characters, both of us would be heart alone, but together we're like all of the 410 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:11,920 useless, the useless of all of them separate, but together we're, you know, so yeah. So give us money. 411 00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:16,720 If you want to hear more banter like that. And then, uh, yeah, you could have earned some extra. 412 00:34:16,720 --> 00:34:21,680 You could have, you could have entertained yourself for an extra five minutes. It's going to get 413 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:26,640 edited out of the actual recording. I might not. I don't know, but uh, we'll keep it in. 414 00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:32,720 Uh, the user rating and review is awesome. If you do, it really helps the show. 415 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:41,200 And I think that's all. That's all I got to say. So, hey, hey, you guys, I love you. And that's not 416 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:47,600 just the, the day, well talking is that you, is that you saying goodbye and I love you to the 417 00:34:47,600 --> 00:35:15,600 audience. Goodbye. And I love you to the audience. Dayquil is good.