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You need to find this royalty-free brand
Make
Lyrics to that song
Everybody welcome back to another episode of cryptic cocktail party a show where we have a few drinks share a few laughs take a dive
Into the unknown I'm your host Dave, and I'm joined as always by Sarge the Destroyer aka
What is this liberal liberal Satanist baby eater and I am Dave your Sigma male podcast hosts parentheses God tear
Hello everyone hello, I I am I am sick
I had a fever this morning, but I drank a Red Bull
So we're ready to do this and then after I'm gonna take a nap well as a sigma male podcaster parentheses
God dear
It's all in your mind man. All right. This is all yeah, it's all it's all mental gymnastics
You got a fucking just stand up. Don't be afraid. Don't don't go to any woke liberal doctors
Don't take any fucking sort of medication because medication is a
fucking sort of medication because medication
Just invested enough in crypto I would feel better exactly that's what it is exactly so I have a new coin coming out
It's called derp coin and what it is
Supported fully by Logan Paul. Yeah, it's definitely not a pump and dump so if anyone wants to invest I'll need
$700,000
That's just to get in the ground floor. Yeah. Yeah, and then there's a companion NFT of
conservative talking heads in
In their backyards trying to suntan the gooches
Yes, I was gonna say so it starts out as that but then it evolves into just pictures of buttholes
not like
Like super close conservative buttholes. They're conservative buttholes though. So it's it's not gay because they're conservative
Yeah, I don't want to this fucking this alphabet army butthole going around. All right, this is all about
This mail is manly books. Yeah, you speaking of manly butts. Did you guys hear the news?
You hear the news about the about grinder essentially almost crashing. Yes during the RNC. Oh, I love it so much
There's a guy there's a I think it was a youtuber a tik tok video somebody at the RNC
On grinder just flipping through profile after profile of dudes that are like within a certain geographic location
it just it
It just makes me so happy. I just want to know like there's no way like they'd have to like, alright
So come out boys live your best life
But like if you're like a senator or whatever Republican senator who's like voting against like gay rights and all this stuff when you make a secret
grinder profile or you they're clearly not using their like own
Name and picture, right? There's no way cuz like
No, I didn't show any pictures. So then when you go to like meet
That your date for the night or whatever
They're gonna be like hey, aren't you fucking that guy that like wants to like make sure all my friends are dead
But there's no aren't you Matt Gaetz?
Dude
That guy's eyebrows during the RNC. I don't
He's looked just shocked the entire time. He's got he made he made a choice. He's got a lot of work done
if he looks like
Did you ever see that horror movie with D Snyder where?
No, I didn't I forget what to me. He just looked like Siegfried and Roy
Yeah, I saw a tweet that was like he's he's one life partner and a Bengal tiger away from having a show in Vegas
I was like, that's the most spot-on shit I've ever heard in my entire life. Oh
But anyway, Sarge, how are you doing buddy? You're looking good. You're not feeling good, but you're looking good. I'm doing alright
I'm doing alright. Yeah, it was an exciting weekend last weekend
Lots going on. I will I will preempt to preempt this by saying the shirt
I'm wearing I did not buy because of what happened. I already owned this shirt and I had no idea
I feel like I have to bring it up. I don't condone political violence unless it's like
Warranted but it's okay to punch a Nazi, but try not to shoot them. Yeah, you know, that's not the right way to do things
So this shirt is a ripoff of misfits shirt from JFK. Don't worry about it. I'm sorry
I wore it. I didn't realize
I got a I got a comment on tik-tok from some guy who was like
Liberals trying to take away our Second Amendment rights when they're not trying to assassinate the president
and I was thinking to myself like
Wait, I thought we were supposed to be scared of guns now. We're using them. I don't understand how that works
Yeah, so you guys said we didn't like guns, but now now we're gonna use them
I love also shooting guns is hands down one of the funnest things like in New Hampshire
We used to go to a sand dude and set up a bunch of spray paint cans
And yeah, shoot him with shotguns
And yeah, shoot him with shotguns shooting guns is awesome
It's so much by their logic like we're the biggest weenies and wussies in the world yet
We tried to shoot a guy but also, you know that kid was a registered Republican
Yeah
Yeah, crazy is crazy. It doesn't matter like it just follows the long trail
Which is almost exclusively crazy white men trying to shoot American presidents
There's only one woman in history who tried to kill an American president and that was one of Charles Manson's
Followers squeaky from squeaky not gonna lie squeaky out of all those followers
She can get it. She until she shaved her head once she shaved her head. Then she started to look a little bit
Not okay. I keep rubbing my fucking tits
And I don't know why I think it's because that's the last time I mentioned squeaky from around you
No, this is we were all hot and bothered. This is a separate thought. Okay?
The other day I was I was hunched we were in New Hampshire and it's fucking hot as shit up there last weekend
And I was like leaning forward and I realized like I have tits now and like I never understood boob sweat and now I'm like
Fuck, you know, it's a thing. It's not ideal. It's a thing
But anyways moving along I get it at the gym when I'm when I'm working out I get the that's why I don't wear cotton
Any more because it holds the moisture. I've got to wear wool
Yeah, yeah
Will keep you warm even a wool wool hair shirt. That's right. That's some that's some New Hampshire knowledge right there
What if you will keeps you you gotta wear the wool? Yeah. No, I know that's why do you think?
Everyone from the Northeast wears flannel. That's right
Yeah, you know and the and the in the Pacific in Northwest as well. Everyone calls us hipsters, but it's like dude
You don't understand flannel is like the best thing to ever come out of anything ever
In New Hampshire, you can just wear a flannel and a jean jacket in the middle of winter and you're warm as fuck
Yeah, it's soft. It's comfortable and it's warm. So yeah, maybe you're maybe you're maybe you should be a hipster
If you want to stay alive in wintertime
True, but I feel like hipsters they were plaid which isn't flannel, but it looks like flannel
You know, right?
Right. I think yeah, but well
Fabric hold on. I say correct me if I'm wrong. I think flannel is the fabric the print is yes, but
Yes flannel is notorious for being plaid right right, but they're mutually they can be mutually exclusive. Yeah, what are we doing right now?
You can have a plug. I don't I don't know we got off on a weird tangent
How did we get from a presidential assassination to flannel shirts because hipsters anyway, please please don't try and kill former presidents
Or current president. I was gonna say caveat and also it's gonna make things worse
For those of us who for those of us who are you know?
Tired of old white people being the ones who make the decisions. Let's just try not to shoot him. All right, avoid it. Yeah
Never ends. Well, it never ends. Well
Except for John Hinckley jr. He's just strolling around DC. Totally fine, dude, Johnny no longer in prison
He's fucking crushing it right now. He has a Spotify. He's putting out music and it's actually not bad
I'm so confused as to that weird turn of events when I'm in 1980. He was trying to impress Jodie Foster
Here we are in in 2024 and he's
Just king of the world and now Jodie Jodie Foster is impressed. So
Congratulations, he wasn't trying to impress any Jodie Foster. He was trying to impress like 14 year old
Yeah, that also adds a layer of grossness to the whole situation. It's not ideal
Anyways, so Sarge. Yeah today. I have an episode for you and I decided I figured since in my absence last week
Which wasn't voluntary. I had to go take care of some things but to make it up to you. I wrote this episode
Just for you. I'm so excited and
I
Get I'm so ready. I told you before the episode
Because I wanted you to know this for a fact that what I'm about to tell you is a hundred percent real from a news article that I had found
Okay, so
Whatever your thoughts are. I'm so excited. I cannot wait. All right. So today we are gonna travel to the great white north specifically Newfoundland
Okay, for those who for those of you don't know Newfoundland is a large island located in the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labrador
Which I thought were two separate things, but apparently it's
one
One so but anyways, it's always it. Yeah, it's like way the fault. I didn't know like it. This is like Arctic Circle shit now
Well, the island of Newfoundland is only about 30% of the province's landmass. It holds over 90% of the population
And 60% of that population lives on the small southeastern Avalon Peninsula
It's it's a cool place. There's lots to do if you like doing like cold shit, which we're from New England
So we kind of always have to do cold shit. Yeah, it's not it's not a matter of like it's a matter of survival. Yeah
But there's a lot of like archaeological sites and whale watching trips, but
There's one place on the island that really piqued my interest
See I was scouring some of the cryptid subreddits and I like to do this from time to time just to get like inspiration
Yeah, and I came across a news article someone had posted from the Vancouver Sun dated December 9th
1950 now this is just a year after Newfoundland had officially joined like the Union of Canada, which I didn't realize they would
That's like really recently and I had no idea
um
but the head the headline of this article before they were just uh before they were just like a
Like a club kind pretty much. Yeah
But yeah, sarge. All right. So the headline
the headline of this article
in huge large black font simply read
the dildo monster
So today sarge just as a little treat for you. We're going to be covering the dildo monster of dildo pond
Dildo pond
One can only imagine what filled it
I'm not sure if you can see it. I'm not sure if you can see it. I'm not sure if you can see it
Again this is just for you, baby. All right, so so dildo monster. That's another name for Matt gates actually
So dildo pond is six miles long and is located about a quarter mile from dildo harbor in Trinity Bay
I do gotta say all jokes aside
If your pond is six miles long, that's a lake and I did I did look up like the difference between like a lake
and a pond and uh
It's the difference between like a lake and a pond that there is no like real difference, I guess
Um, but to me it's like that quote about pornography where it's like
I don't know how to define a lake, but I know one when I see one kind of thing
I think that's actually the same definition for dildos
It's like abraham lincoln once said anything's a dildo if you're brave enough
All right
Anywho, uh along the bank of dildo pond is already
Along the bank of dildo pond is blaketown. It's a small settlement of about 60 homes and four different saw mills
uh
Also many many satisfied women, but also all this information is coming from this single news article
Uh, and it was written in 1950. So how true this is today like 70 years later. I have no idea
But all this information is think about it as coming from the 1950s
1950s, okay, does that make sense? Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah
But the article goes on to say that out of blaketown's roughly 300 residents 15 of them who were quote-unquote
adults of unquestioned integrity
Have claimed that they have seen the monster and that they are willing to go before a judge and swear an affidavit that they've seen
Dildosis, which is the name the newspaper suggested that it be called
the monster of the world's most descriptions
most descriptions of the monster are pretty much the same when it comes like to the dildo monster, which
When it comes to lake monsters is kind of like weird because most people who see lake monsters are usually
either
A plesiosaur dildo shaped. Yeah, or they're dildo shaped like a snake
Slippery snags very veiny they say it's roughly 50 feet long
With the head being about three feet long and shaped like an eels with quote bulging frog-like eyes about the size of a water glass
The neck is about five pleasure. The neck is about five feet long
And is slim compared to the body that is said to be the size of a rum cask
Witnesses also say that the tail of dildo
dildosis
Can't even say it is shaped like this is never getting on tiktok by the way
I know it's shaped like the tail of an airplane
Uh, it said that it uses to swim
with its head out of the water and quote unquote moving steadily at a great rate of speed with
Without the undulations of a water snake the name of my sex tape
Now the people of blaketown and others in the area claim that dildo pond was once teeming with salmon and trout
But their numbers have dwindled due down to like almost zero ever since the first sighting of dildosis roughly 60 years ago
That's 60 years ago from 1950. So that's 130 years
ago
Local time, okay, whatever wherever we are now. It's 130 years from now, but 60 years from 1950
So like the 1890s. Yeah
Dildosis was born
Dildosis was born in the 1890s
Uh, so yeah, so in 1890 back then it was just called hysteria fixer
So in 1890 when a norwegian man named nielsen, uh, he set up a uh,
Uh, what's the word i'm looking for?
experimental
He set up an experimental fish hatchery
Uh as well as a small flock of ducks on one of dildo ponds lakes. Uh, he claims that one
One dawn
The monster quote unquote appeared to him and upon seeing this monster and serpent all slick and glistening with its bulbous head
Uh, he and his ducks got the hell out of it immediately
Ever since then the monster made his presence known but in small interview intervals like just the tip just for a second
Just see how it feels
But it seemed to like only appear to fishermen and hunters and only when they were alone
So for the longest time
It's very discreet dildo it's fair yeah, uh
For the longest time people just wrote their stories off and attributed the sidings to quote unquote
The potency of new flinden newfoundland rum than to fact
Uh, that was until 1945
It started showing up regularly and not just like lone huntsmen
It would appear just yards from the shore of blaketown. It began quote unquote regarding regarding them with a very hungry look in its eyes
The villagers are convinced that since it seems to have eaten all the fish in the lake over the years
It's now contemplating whether or not it can eat the townsfolk
How are you feeling right now? You good? I
I just I need to know why they called this town dildo
I looked into it. I mean this lake
well, there's there no there is a
town called dildo we're just talking about blaketown which is on the other side of
Right, but I need to know why they were like, hey, this is a huge body of water. Let's call it dildo
So I did find out that the like what is the the origin of dildo is that it's a part of a it originally was part of a boat
Kind of thing it would it's uh, something that would hold the oar
Like in the back of the boat kind of like the to steer like the tiller almost. Yeah
Okay, it was called that that thing was called a dildo
so
Now we know that's apt that that's okay. Yeah, so now we know that okay now I feel a little bit better
It doesn't mean I was I was really I was really shook. I was like why?
Why that name why not that name?
Hmm, ah because it's like other names
That you could use a lot of other names that you could use
Besides one for a synthetic penis. I don't know if dildo was around confused
Was the word dildo around even back then? I don't even know
I didn't look into the etymology of the word dildo, but I'm guessing i'm guessing the the name
for the
pleasure device
Uh was based off the shape of the handle of the tiller
I would assume that moves the rudder that makes sense. Yeah now
a uh
A more recent sighting of the creature by recent. I mean, I mean within the 1950s
scape was seen by a man named norman mercer who the newspaper dubbed the quote
Most quoted authority and quote a sane and sober 41 year old sawmill owner
Said that he was standing on the bank of the pond outside his sawmill when he heard the churning of water
He looked in the direction of the noise and said he saw quote
The water swirling and splashing and there was a monster approaching the bank end quote
He then shouted for his brother and two workers to come see what he was seeing
This is how a lot of gay porn starts out i'm thinking
What he was seeing was a long
thick
monster
Of a dildosis coming at them
Uh, he went on to tell the newspaper quote the monster paid no attention to us and came within a few feet of our logs
Before turning and swimming away. He said as it turned to leave it lashed the water
Turning it into a boiling foam and then 10 foot logs a foot in diameter were tossed
On end and thrown about like matchsticks
So like I said, uh the town folks are concerned, uh, not this dude he seems fine
It didn't even fuck with him, but others are totally fine with it
Yeah
But others are worried as to whether or not this thing will in time find a way to wriggle itself out of the water
And start preying on the villagers
They also want to know just how the fuck there came to be a monster in dildo pond. Uh, well
As always when weird shit like this happens in a small area some scientists
Came to town in hopes of like studying the creature
They theorized that it must have come up one of the brooks that connected connected dildo pond to trinity bay
And that when quote
It was a little wriggler
It then stuffed itself on so many fat dildo salmon that it couldn't get back to the sea. I know you want to laugh
Just do it
i'm just
The person who wrote this knew immediately what they were doing. This is a quote they quoted this motherfucker
This is a scientist said that
So, you know, oh no that I could see I could see how the scientists had no idea that what they were saying is sexual
They're just they're just saying the most accurate words to describe what is happening. Meanwhile, the reporter
Is crying tears of joy? Yeah, but the thing is like all that makes sense
Like you mean like a small creature made its way to like a lake and it ate all the native species and now it's like fuck
What am I gonna do? Maybe i'll eat the villagers. But as always with small
Industry towns the people who live there said fuck you scientists and your woke literal book book
and your woke literal book book learning
You know, like their rational theories and lab coats instead
Most of them believe that nielsen the dude who first saw the monster and had they experimental like fish hatchery and the ducks and shit
like that
Uh was actually doing frankenstein like experiments
Okay claiming that i'm in claiming that one of his hobbies according to their parents
Uh was experimenting with crossing of various types of fish eggs and spawn and in this case he quote
Produced more than he bargained for but didn't have the courage to claim his monster
Now, I mean that's what happens when you stick your dick in the salmon
Sometimes you get a dildo monster
Yeah
Now 60 years later the inhabitants of blaketown are wondering if having failed to destroy its creator
If it intends to start on them. There you go sarge
Which that is the entire story of the dildo monster of dildo pond
This this is the only thing I could find about it is this one article which I will link
in the episode description so
Anyone could find it
But there it is. What do you how how are you?
I have to go to this place dildo. I need to see dildo lake. So there's like a dildo
Brewery there's like a dildo brewery
And they got like, okay
I I kind of need to go to but like is it called dildo brewery?
Yes, the beer is dildo dildo beer. How much does it cost to ship to america?
I know that if I don't know how much it costs, but I know that if you spend
150 or more on their website, it's free shipping to the u.s
But I mean you can get it shipped no matter what I need it
I need I don't even know how much it costs
I need it. I need I don't even care what I buy i'll get 25 t-shirts. Yeah, let's do it
I want to support them. I want to support my local small business even if it's not local to me. Yeah. No, I get you
Uh, but yeah, but there you have it. That is the story of this is the dildo monster
I think this is my favorite story that we've covered so far. I didn't think there was anything that could top
The little flower aliens, but this really did it for me
The dildo monster scratched an itch. Yeah. Yeah
They have a tendency to scratch itches where you know, you don't normally you can't normally get there so
I think they have a calming effect. Yeah
Oh fuck
But yeah, but that was for you. Wow, this one's for you
Thank you for that was that was that was a journey. It was good. That was a journey
I'm so excited about this whole episode. I had a whole other thing planned for this
But as I was like scrolling through reddit and I saw this and I was like, oh my fucking god, dude
The dildo monster. Yeah as it always happens you start you start researching one thing and it turns into something else
Oh man, that makes me so happy. That was amazing
Well sarge, I appreciate you. Hey, we should um, oh shit. Do we have that idea?
We had that idea that idea we were gonna ask people to send us their stories. Yeah. Yeah. Did you get one?
Because I didn't get no I didn't we because we never did it. Oh, yeah, because I never posted about it
Things got things got away from me this week. So no no things are busy. It's fine. It's fine
That's why I didn't say that's why I hadn't said anything yet
But we need you guys out there in the world to send us your stories your dildo monsters
We want to talk about your dildos, please
I mean other things
I feel like maybe I should a horrible way to work that. Yeah, let's rewind. Let's take it back a bit
Let's rewind
We want your supernatural
Cryptid stories. Oh, I was gonna say I don't have to be about dildos
Oh, I don't want to know because we don't know what they're doing
I think we need to get somebody's into diaper play. I don't want to have to describe that
I feel like we want two different things
All right, so we'll go we'll go start just saying what we want from you is uh your paranormal stories
Please email us cryptic cocktail at gmail.com send either of us a dm. Uh, sorry to destroyer or cryptic cocktail doesn't matter
Uh, you know keep it brief. Don't I don't want like to do a whole episode on just one story, but you know, just
Yeah, right
But i'll do a dramatic reading of it. Yeah, whatever do a dramatic reading whatever the character limit of a dm is go with that
Yeah, and maybe separate paragraphs for me because my brain is slow
So I separate my scripts into paragraphs that don't make sense for paragraph breaks
I just it's easier to read if it's not like all one long fucking thing
Also get your comic book sajah supernormal.com 9.99. Can't beat that with a
sack full of
Wild badges. Oh, he's got one too. Yeah, you didn't you didn't even bother to say you can't beat that with a 10-foot dildo
Come on, man. You're really
Really missing listen. We we really
Slung a lot of dildos around true. And so i'm trying to i'm trying to scale it back
So by sarge's uh comic comic book and now you got me doing coloring coloring book see now
Now I got you saying it's coloring book. It's uh, sajah supernormal.com
9.99 can't beat that with a 10-foot dildo. See there you go. That's better
I'm gonna edit everything else before this out and just go with that one. Uh
I mean if you had a 10-foot dildo, you could beat a lot of stuff actually. Yeah
um, let's see
Follow sarge and all of his social medias. You can find them in the link in our episode description episode
Instagram, uh, you can also find them just by googling sarge the destroyer
He's pretty much the only one as far as I know if you want to follow us on instagram. It's uh at cryptic cocktail
And I think that's pretty much all I got uh, you can support the page. Yeah, it's five dollars a month
Maybe I think it's fine drinking arrogance at beer. Yeah, and also drinking arrogance at beer also
So you see you can't see this but I have a bookshelf that is right here
If you have stickers or anything like that
Like if you have like a band or any sort of like something you want to promote i'm going to fill this all the stickers
So that way when we start doing like full episodes on youtube
They can see all your stuff
How's that? Does that sound good? You know what I mean? Like I like it. Yeah, it's like free promotion for you
All right, we gotta get you a dildo brewery sticker. Oh my god, dude
I'll buy 150 dollars worth of those just to get free shipping. Yeah, absolutely
All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening
Uh, and with that sarge
Uh, and with that sarge, do you want to say goodbye and I love you to the audience. Goodbye everyone. I love you i'll see you next week
You