Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of cryptic cocktail party, a show where we
have a few drinks, share a few laughs, take a dive into the unknown. I am your host Dave.
And today I am joined as always by Sarge the destroyer. What is going on? You handsome
fuck. What is up? I cannot get the fucking Temu commercial out of my head. What's the
Temu commercial? It's on YouTube and I watch a lot of YouTube videos while I'm working.
And the commercial comes up a lot and it's the chorus is Oh, Temu. And I just want to,
I want to get in a plane and fly to China and burn down the Temu home offices. I didn't
even know Temu head commercials. I assumed it was such a scam that they were just like,
well, so that was really interesting to find out as well. I mean, I wasn't going to shop
there anyway, because I don't trust any Lego set that's $2. But I, my daughter apparently
is very involved in everything aside from doing her homework and explained to me that
Temu basically like makes poisonous toys. And then I looked it up and like literally it's
she's not even lying. Like they have all these like different recalls in things that they
have been found with like an absurd fucking lead paint content. I mean, that tracks though
toxic paints and stuff. And I'm like, how are we even allowing this? Like, but then
I wonder like, what's wrong with us as a, as a species that we're like, Oh, it's $2.
Let me buy it and just roll the dice and see what happens.
Well, cause the only experience I have with Temu is I never ordered anything from it,
but you know, like when you first started Tik Tok and like your for you page, you have
to like kind of curate it to what you want it to be. When I first started mine, it was
literally just like, look what I got out. It was like Temu hall like videos, like look
what I got for $17 and they got like 8,000 things. And it's like, I got this Xbox series
one, like, yeah, it was like, you can't. And then like a month later, it's like, I bought
this dress off Temu and it smells like straight up chemicals. And it's like, well, yeah, dude,
like no shit. It was, well, when you spend 12 cents on a garment, you can't expect it
to be fine. A high fashion. Yeah. It was made, it was stitched by the tiniest of hands, I'm
assuming. Anytime you order anything from Temu, there's a, there's a less than zero
chance of, I mean, there's a, not a zero chance, but a slight chance you're going to get some
depleted uranium. Yeah. You might get like some nuclear nuclear waste stitched into your
t-shirt. It's glow in the dark, but that's because it's radium. So I always thought it
was kind of like an Alibaba situation because Alibaba is actually pretty good, but every
once in a while you'll get like something sketchy. So the problem I have with Alibaba
is that it's named for a thief. You know, I don't think that's a good idea to buy something
when your company. Was Alibaba the thief or was he just, cause he wasn't part of the 40
thieves. He was, I, but I think it's Alibaba and the 40 thieves. So I believe he's part
of the team. Is he like, let me, uh, let me do some quick Googling and find out who Alibaba
was. All right. While you do that, can you also, can you put a blanket over your bird
because editing that out is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I try so hard.
Okay. All right. Give me a sec. I got you right. I didn't even think about her. Sammy, shut
the fuck up. We're trying to record. She's like, Oh, it's nighttime now. It's amazing
how quickly that works. It's bonkers. Yeah. It's immediate. Yeah. She still makes some
noise, but it's very quiet. Yeah. She's whispering. She's like, it's nighttime now. I don't want
to wake anyone up. At least it doesn't, it'd be different if it was a bird that talked
and it was just like, fuck you the entire time. I'd be like, Oh God, I wish I tried
desperately to teach her words. Cause she, she's supposed to be able to say like a couple
of words, but she doesn't say shit. She probably does. She just whispers it at night when no
one's around. Yeah. Well, she's, she's such an ungrateful asshole. Cause like I feed her,
I give her water, I give her toys. She won't come near me. She's terrified of me. Yeah.
And it's not like I'm some big monster that comes running, like rattling the cage and
shaking it up and shit. Like I just like talk to her kindly. Yeah. And she's like, nah,
fuck you. All right, Sarge, are you ready to dive into today's episode? Let's go. Let's
go. So today I have three stories for you. Oh God. We are going to do, uh, I don't know.
How would I word this? Like one off sighting cryptids. Like cryptids that have only been
seen once and then never again. Oh, okay. All right. I'm ready for this. Does that make
sense? Like it was just like a one time sighting? Yeah. Yeah. Jimmy Carter had one of those.
Was it a cryptic or UFO? President Jimmy Carter. He had both. He spotted a UFO and he, okay,
this is going to sound ridiculous. It's going to be, this is going to be another Paul Revere
and the rum situation. Um, which no one's going to get that reference cause we talked
about it before we started recording. But, um, so Jimmy Carter claims that he was chased.
I can't even say it all out. He claims he was chased by a giant rabbit. Okay. He was
in a boat. He was in like a, either a rowboat or a canoe. He was on the water in the shaft.
Yeah. He was chased a rabbit. I believe, and maybe I'm messing the story up, but if I understand
correctly, he was chased into his boat by a giant rabbit. Okay. I'm going to have to
look into that and we're going to have to hold, do a whole episode on just, just to
like, I, yeah, we need to, cause I would be so excited. The episode will be the rabbit
story and the UFO story. All right. So you're ready to start this thing? These, these are,
let's go. All right. So I got three of them. And the first one is kind of like close to
home. Uh, this is a, the slong lump monster. Okay. That's long lump. Yeah. There's, you'll
understand why it's named that in a little bit. Uh, so this actually happened in Berwick,
Maine, which is like two minutes from where I grew up. And actually in high school, I
lived in Berwick, Maine for like a hot minute. Um, oh, nice. Yeah. And I had never heard
of this story before. I had to like dive deep into the, like the annals of the internet
to like find, cause we've already covered most of like the one-off cryptid things. So
a lot of these, I don't know how they're. I think you meant annals of the internet.
Cause if you went into the annals of the internet, you're going to, yeah, people are going to
wonder about your search history. That was a different website. Well, I do most of these
searches in Cognito mode anyways, so no one will ever know. Fair enough. So slong lump
monster on August 23rd, 1972 at around 1 30 AM, 24 year old Mary, uh, no last name given
obvious. Cause of course not. Uh, who was driving along pine road in Berwick, Maine
towards long swamp road on her way home to Lebanon. Now, if you're familiar with the
area, long swamp road connects to route two Oh two. Um, it's like the fastest way to get
there. If you're coming over the bridge from New Hampshire. Um, now as Mary turns off of
pine Hill road and makes her way up long swamp road, she notices something crouched down
on the left side of the road near some brush right around where Johnny lane and long swap
internet intersect. Now she doesn't get a good look at it at first, but she described
it as big and that his eyes glowed like a bright kind of red when the headlights of
her car passed by it. She didn't stop to check it out or really think much of it and chalked
it up to being a bear or something like that. Bears aren't like super common around there
because it's, it's kind of populated. It's still wooded area, but they also don't have
red eyes. So that would have been a clue for me. Uh, bears actually, uh, when they reflect
light back off of them, it is like an orangey red kind of color. Yeah. Uh, I don't know
if it's all bears, but I would shit my pants immediately. Yeah. Bears bears eyes, like
with the cones, when they reflect light, it is like an orangey red kind of color. Um,
so on her part, that was a safe assumption, a conclusion that most would probably come
to I think, I mean, I didn't know that until I looked it up. Yeah, I'm the, I'm the idiot
here. Cause I'm like, red eyes. You're crazy. Yeah. You see any glowing red eyes in the
woods of like, that's a demon. Uh, but it's immediately what I would do. But also I'd
be like, Oh, it's Satan. I'm fucked. Yeah. But also it's also a bear. Like either way,
it's not going to be good for you if it decides to fucking be like, I'm coming at you. Like,
yeah, it's all bad. It's a problem. Uh, so anyway, so she just continues on her way and
after a half mile or so, she notices this thing again, but this time it's not on the
side of the road. It's in her side view mirror. And this thing is fucking just chasing down
her car. So she described whatever this thing was as being anywhere between seven to nine
feet tall, covered in a black, almost like feathery kind of like coating, a snouted snarling
face, clawed hands that were almost like an, like in a reaching out like pose. And it was
chasing down her car on two legs and it possibly had a tail. Are we sure it wasn't just somebody
trying to get to the Met Gala? She's they wear some weird shit. She's describing and
she didn't actually say this, but she's describing like a velociraptor. It's like, like, you
know what I mean? Like in Jurassic Park, when they like do that starling thing and they
have their hands like clawed out, it's that but covered in feathers, which I mean, technically,
I guess is historically more accurate. Yeah. I mean, the thing is, and I don't want to
go off in a tangent here, but I'm gonna anyway, cause you know me, but did it ruin dinosaurs
for you when you found out a lot of them had feathers? Cause it just, to me, it made them
less scary. I was like, Oh, it's not bad ass that you just look like Big Bird. It didn't
because there's a, there's two shows that I watch on repeat, usually when I'm falling
asleep and it's a, there's a, on Apple TV, there is a David Attenborough narrating dinosaur
show. I know the one you're talking about. Yeah. Some of those dinosaurs covered in feathers,
I would not fuck with. There's one that just fucking books it and it's a nightmare and
it's like a fucking thing. The terror bird. I'm all set. Oh yeah. No. So the, the thing
is I think it's cause they don't fly. I just immediately associate them with chickens and
Turkey. Yeah. But they're like eight feet tall and we'll fucking, it's like an OST,
like ostriches are fucking terrifying. Oh yeah. No, actually now that you say that,
no, you're right. Like an ostrich or an emu will fucking murder either. We have no chance.
Oh yeah. It's like you, as a guy I watch on YouTube, he has like a wildlife sanctuary
in New Jersey. This is a, this ostrich that just keeps trying to eat them. The ostrich
just doesn't like them. And he said like the only way you can get it to behave is if he,
if he hits it in the head, with like a plastic lid from a bucket to feed the other animals
and he's like feeding the animals and the ostrich comes over and he's just like thunk.
He's got like, he's just like a shield. That's pretty good. And the side of the head that
it runs away. Anyway, anyway, so, okay. So we've got a seven to nine foot tall feathery
raptor, Claude red eyed demon raptor. Yes. Now she said at the time she must've been
going at least 50 miles an hour and this thing was close enough to her bumper. Like it was
keeping pace. The, the tail lights of her car were illuminating its entire fucking body,
which makes this even more terrifying, which means that it's like illuminated in red and
she's like seeing it like right in the rear view mirror. Like she's not like turning around
to look at like it's fucking terrifying. Now she sped up in hopes of out running the creature
or at the very least like tiring it out. Yeah. But even getting up to speeds of what she
said was 70 miles an hour, the creature kept pace, even at one point slamming its body
into the side of her car, almost causing Mary to lose control, which I mean, yeah. So, so
long swamp road, if you're not familiar with it, uh, is super windy. Uh, there's also like
one street light on this entire road. It's fucking fair. It's a nightmare road, but it's
also in the woods of Berwick leading up to Lebanon. So, uh, people speed down it all
the time. So it's kind of like, it's like super easy to like lose control. Like if you,
if you're going down this road during the day, you'll see like just like black skid
marks just like, you see them on every road in New Hampshire, Maine though. Yeah. So it's
super easy to lose control. Even if you don't have a giant bird Raptor trying to like fuck
you up for no reason. Um, now this continued for what Mary claimed or what she said it
felt like it was like 10 minutes, but it probably really wasn't. It's not that long of a road.
Like it's a long road, but it's not 10 minutes going 70 miles an hour long. You know what
I mean? Like you would have been in and out if you're doing 70 the entire time. So it's
probably only like a couple of minutes. She didn't manage to out run it, but luckily another
car was coming down long swap road in the opposite direction and either the creature
got spooked or got bored either way. It darted into the woods never to be seen again. Uh,
Mary would end up going to the police station that night to report what she had seen. Obviously
she was shaken and terrified. So she had to give her statement orally. Like she couldn't
write anything down. And in her statement, like she was like obviously in distress, she
misspoke and said there was a monster on slong Lomp road and that's how the name came about
and it kind of stuck, but it seems kind of mean like they were like making fun of her
because the cops obviously just fucking idiot. Yeah. They did the whole like, sure, sure.
Whatever you say, lady, you're obviously hysterical. Like, uh, and they did go to check it out
and they didn't find anything, but there you go. So that's the story of the slong Lomp
monster. There was no damage to her car because you said it hit her car and she almost, there
was like a dent in it, but I mean, it's the seventies and you live in Maine. Yeah. That
could literally be anything. Like it didn't like shatter like a tail light or anything.
Like it was like next to the car and it kind of like hit it. I guess that's, I'm just going
off of like, I'm going off Jurassic park rules. Yeah. No, that's fair. Okay. All right. So
now this next story, uh, we're going international to a Spagna. It's the home, home of tapas,
Barcelona, Tengriya, home of Diego Luna. I think, I don't know. I don't know if any of
these things are actually from Spain. I just know they're Spanish. Isn't it the home of
Pedro Pascal? Spain? Probably. Yeah. I think so. I think it's worth it. That beautiful
son of a bitch. So this story is the story of the Octo-Squatch. Oh God. Yes. I have been
saying forever that, that Sasquatch needs more arms. The story of the Octo-Squatch goes
as such one night in the summer of 1961 at roughly 11 PM, a truck driver by the name
of Archimedes Sanchez and his anonymous riding partner, which, and this is just speculation
may or may or may not be code for a lot lizard. They were driving down a road in the Basque
mountains. Now the Basque people, as we learned in Ramel's whole series are famous for their
depols and fetal seal worm worshiping. Of course. Yeah. Now this road is a road. As
their ancestors have written. No, this road is a road that Archimedes, first of all, amazing
name has traveled over many times. Well, honestly, I am still stuck on how amazing a name he
has because his name is Archimedes Sanchez. Yeah. So it's basically like Archimedes Smith.
Pretty much. This is like a very common last name, but just his parents were like, his
parents were like, no one is ever going to forget your name. So this is a road that he's
traveled many times in his time as a truck, uh, as a truck, as a truck driver. He's also
a transformer. I thought I left that part out. My mistake. Uh, now as him and his anonymous
partner quote unquote, we're nearing Puerto de Barrazar. I think I spelled that right.
Their headlights caught a glimpse of something near an embankment on the side of the road.
Archimedes slammed on the brakes and standing there on the side of the road was a three
to four foot tall, hairy octopus with a shaggy coat of rust colored hair. Now the creature,
just as stunned as the two men, uh, raised one of its hairy tentacles to shield the light
from its eyes. The two men in the truck and the hairy octopus just kind of stayed like
that for a few minutes. Like the octopus, octosquatch or whatever you want to call it
was some like a deer and headlights and the men stunned because they are in the presence
of the octosquatch. It's a real cash. Yeah. Yeah. No, finally, uh, Archimedes Sanchez
was like, fuck this and ordered his fuck friend to go get the jackhammer out of the back of
the truck. Presumably he was going to jackhammer this thing to death. Like what the fuck?
Typical human reaction. I don't know what it is. Let's kill it. Yeah, pretty much. But,
uh, but his companion was like, no dude, I'm not doing that. Uh, so Sanchez threw the truck
in reverse and then drove at the creature as fast as he could only stopping mere feet
from it. But the creature didn't flinch, which is like, all right, cool. Now he did this
a few times, like over and over again with the same result. And after a while the men
decided meh, whatever. And then just drove around it and left and just continued their
ride home, like to the destination. And that's the whole story. When, when was this? This
was in the seventies. Okay. This was, this was in, hold on, let me scroll up. Uh, oh
1961. That can't be right. I think I wrote that wrong. It could be right. I don't know.
The jack, he wanted to jackhammer to death. He had to have been like drunk or high. I
have no idea. I'm not saying he didn't see it, but I'm saying if your first reaction,
you see an anomaly in the road is let's get the jackhammer. So I guess that's, that's
some big like cocaine energy, but also like is a jackhammer gas powered? Usually you need
a compressor or you need something to like, what was he going to do? Is he just going
to fucking like just throw it at it? Yeah. Jackhammers are heavy. Yeah. It's not something
you can just like pick up like a goat. Like you don't, you never say go get the jackhammer.
Yeah. I mean, it's not like a casual thing. You can just say in passing like, Hey, Jeff,
go get, go get the jackhammer. Like no, it's like a, I've used a jackhammer. That's a lot
of that. And I've used a modern one. I can only imagine how heavy that shit is back in
the 1960s and seventies. It's fucking steam powered. You got to fucking heat up coal and
shit like it's not ideal. So I, but I guess when, um, like, so they were doing this back
and forth fucking thing, like reversing and stopping and then another truck drove by and
just blew past them. Like didn't even like real, like didn't notice what was going on.
And so they were just like, this is why this even further, this, this further, uh, pushes
my theory that he was high as fuck. Well, they're truckers. It's him and his, what I
assume is a paid lover. Yeah. Clearly doing, I'm not going to say he's getting some roadhead,
but at least trucker speed, they're doing some sort of diet pill, maybe a bunch of red
lens. You know what I mean? Like they're of course it's the middle of the night. And the
person in the passenger seat probably just wasn't wearing pants. And that's why they
didn't want to get the jackhammer. Right. I wouldn't jack it. I was gonna say I wouldn't
jack. I wouldn't jackhammer pantless, but yeah, that's, that's a true sign of masculinity
right there. I'll wear goggles, but I'm not wearing pants. So dangerous. Too many loose
bits down there that could get caught up in a way. Yeah. There's so many things that can
get caught in stuff. All right. So where are we so far? So we got one more story left,
but so far we've covered the slong lot monster. We've got the octascotch. We've got one more
story. Where are you at right now? How are you feeling about these stories so far? I
want an octascotch to just live in my house, right? Or even just a plushie. Like I'll take
a stop. It doesn't sound like it's a very violent creature. No, it sounds adorable.
It's just kind of like, ah, turn off the headlights, man. It was just trying to do it. Just trying
to live its best life. I don't know. Yeah. All right. So you're ready for this last story?
Let's go. So this is the story of the shadow veil prowler. Okay. This is more of, this
is more of a modern one. It's not, this has got a good serial killer name. The shadow
veil prowler is a good serial killer name. Right. Everyone listening. It sounds like,
it sounds like a made up town, like a fictional serial killer from a novel, like the town
is shadow veil. It kind of does. Or like a serialized podcast thing where like it's like,
it's like a, like a, like a dramatically read something or other. If anyone listening, don't
steal this name because if I ever become a serial killer, I want to be the shadow veil.
Yeah, please. So, uh, so in October of 1998 at around 10 PM, a hunter by the name of Greg
Thompson was out spotting deer near the edge of blackwood forest located in blackwood falls,
Washington. Super imaginative naming here. Yeah. Now, Greg, who's an experienced hunter
and also a tractor, a tracker. Oh my God. A tracker, not a tractor. God damn. What is
going on with me today? People are truck. Are you okay? I don't, I'm having a mild stroke.
He is an experienced hunter and tracker and has been in these parts of the woods before
he claimed that on this night, something just felt kind of off. He says that as he was making
his way through the tree line, all the wildlife just stopped making noises and the woods fell
into like an eerie silence. Now it was a pretty foggy night as I feel as I've most nights
I feel like in the Pacific Northwest are like, yeah, the Pacific Northwest to me just has
like a consistent silent Hill to vibe to it. Where? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As far as the eye
can see, it's just going to be fog. I was basically just thinking the same thing. Like
every night in the Pacific Northwest is like a scene from clue. Yeah. It's just unpenetrable
fog. Now. Yeah. And thunderstorms constantly. Yeah. And even though it was foggy, the moon
was full, but the woods just felt darker than normal and he couldn't shake the feeling that
something in the woods was watching him as I was researching the story. And as I was
writing this the entire time, I was the only way I could describe like reading, like researching
it and writing the story is like, I was like watching a horror movie and me on my couch
being like, you stupid fuck. There's so many red flags happening right now. Just get out
of there. Like as a hiker, I can tell you when you hear no noises in the woods, you're
in the wrong woods. Yeah. Also it's nighttime. It's foggy. The it seems darker than it should
be. Like just, just leave. What are you doing? Like I said, he felt like something in the
woods was watching him. So just as that feeling of being watched crept over him out of the
corner of his eye, he saw something large and black move. Thinking it was just a trick
of the moonlight through the trees and the fog. He turned to check it out expecting pretty
much to find nothing, but yeah, no. He saw what he claimed was a large feline creature
with black fur, so black it seemed to absorb any light that hit it, making it appeared
like darker than the shadows. He said that his eyes glowed in what he described as a
faint other worldly glow. Now, Greg now frozen in place pretty much. I see it as like he's
just urine drenched, like the front of his pants, I assume. I would be, yeah. He could
only stand there as the massive feline prowler just circled around him slowly. And then after
what felt like forever, the prowler suddenly stopped and locked eyes with Greg as if it
was deciding his fate. Like, will I murder you here and now, or will I let you live and
like tell a story that no one will ever believe and people will think you're crazy? Both of
those don't seem like a good outcome, but at least one of them, you're alive. That's
like the cruelest thing that any cryptid could do, right? It's like show up, wave at you
and then be like, no one's going to believe this and then walk away. Yeah. And then just
as suddenly as it appeared, like the prowler made his decision and vanished into the woods,
leaving Greg shaken and now just alone, like in the fog, like the dark foggy woods. So
Greg decided, and this is probably the best decision he's made so far, that this was a
good as good a time as any to just get the fuck out of there. It made his way back to
town. OK, now when he got back to town, he immediately told everyone what had happened.
Now it's like 11 p.m. by this time. So I bet he just like went to like the local bar, which
is the only thing that would be open and told everyone what happened. Now, luckily for Greg,
he did have a good reputation in town for having like a solid head on his shoulders.
So while there were some skeptics, people kind of took him at his word. Now, obviously,
there was no evidence of a giant cat monster in the woods and also big black panther monsters
are not native to the Pacific. Not a common thing. Yeah. But the story has kind of become
like folklore in the region. People claiming that it was like a guardian of the forest.
Others, as usual, say it was a harbinger of doom, even though I couldn't find anything
bad happening in the forest. I don't know, man. Either way, no one's ever seen it again.
And there it is, Sarge. That is the story of the shadow veil prowler and the last story
for today. Where are we? How are you feeling? I'm still I'm still I think Archimedes and
the Octosquatch should be a children's book. I mean, we could write out the lot lizard.
Yeah. We'll just start out the lot lizard. That's fair. We can turn it into like a dog.
Like his writing partner was like his dog companion. Right. Now, he wouldn't make it
weird when he's like, go get the jackhammer and the dogs like, I don't have thumbs. Well,
you would leave that out of you would leave that out of the kids story. I would assume
I feel like blatantly murdering just like an innocent because there's no lesson there
to be learned. I guess it's true. Well, there's not many lessons to learn from cryptids. They
sort of just show up. They wreak havoc on your life and then they run away into the
woods. True. Now, Sarge, there is a twist to this episode. And I kind of took this out
of your book. Two of these stories are not real. I made them up whole cloth. Only one
of them is real. And now I need you to circle through your mind. Think back to these stories
and I want you to tell me which one you think is the real story. I think my bias is going
to have to stick with OctoSquatch. Is the real one? Yeah. Yes. I'm so happy. That was really
good, though, because I was tied with slog slung lump slung lump. Yeah, I was very tied
with that one because I'm like, that's a really good detail. Like the minute you said that
the two of them were made up, I was like, well, slung lump, that's a good detail to
add, like because if you were just trying to convince me that it was a true story, it
would have just been like, oh, the long swamp monster. Wow. Good work. You almost had me.
I was very torn. I honestly didn't think you would chose OctoSquatch. OctoSquatch, come
on, the name Archimedes. If anything out of all of these, that sounds the most fake. You
know what, though? I think because the name Archimedes Sanchez is so absurd, I was like,
there's no way he's going to make that name up because it's so crazy. It is such a bonkers
name. I do like the shadow veil prowler, but the reason I thought that one was fake is
because at no point was anything named Shadow Veil. Like, why would they call it that? So
the slung lump monster, the backstory behind that is that my mother-in-law actually lives
off of Long Swamp Road in Burrowick and me and my wife, whenever we have to drive from
Philly back to Maine to stay with her when we're visiting friends in New Hampshire or
something like that, we came up with the slung lump monster. We never came up with what it
looks like. Like I wrote that out whole cloth like an hour ago. Like I made up that whole
story. But we came up with slung lump monster. So that's where that one came from. The shadow
veil prowler, I asked chat GPT to come up with a story about like a like a like a one off
cryptic siding and then all this stuff. So the town is fake. The name is fake. But I
did. I should have fuck it now. Now that you said the name, I should have fucking because
I did. I did ask chat chat GPT why is it called Shadow Veil prowler? How did it get its name?
And I should have included it so that to throw you off. But it did say that the shadow veil
prowler got its name from the few tantalizing descriptions provided by witnesses and local
folklore. The term shadow veil comes from the creature's extraordinary ability to blend
seamlessly into the darkness as if it wears a veil of shadows. OK, so here's the thing.
You're talking about rural folk. We don't know. I don't know how rural it is. I mean,
the guy's hunting in the woods in the northwest, so he's not in Olympia, Portland, Seattle.
So so I just don't see like a bunch of people being that poetic while also living as lumberjacks.
Yeah, but I mean, folklorists, people get poetic with it. They would have called it
like the hellcat. Yeah, that's fair. I'm the hellcat of Seattle. I'm honestly surprised
that you still am surprised that you chose Octosquatch. That is the most unbelievable
shit that I've ever heard in my entire life. But I think that's why I chose it, because
it was so unbelievable. I was like, no one in the world is going to make up Archimedes
sketches. I think the jackhammer, I thought the jackhammer would throw you off, too. Like,
who's going to? I think it was because it was all so absurd, but also I wanted it to
be real so bad. Yeah. How could you not want the Octosquatch to be like, yeah, it has to
be real. I want an Octosquatch for my house and I want to teach it how to play drums.
Oh, shit. So like an underwater band. How good he'd be. Yeah, I love it. But so yeah, so
that's the episode. I tried to have fun with it. I think that was fun. That was awesome.
Trying something new, a little different. It was so much fun. But I wanted to take a
page out of your book like you did with the torture devices. Oh, OK. See if I could see
if I could trip you up a bit. You were very close. A slung lump had me. I was like, I'm
probably wrong, but I just don't think anyone would make up that name. All right. Yeah.
I'm going to stick with Octosquatch. Oh, thank God I did it. I know. You have to wake up
earlier in the morning to fool this guy. You're going to have to you have to come up with
names like Socrates Wellington. I should just like his name was Jeff Bob, Jeff Roberts,
the most red taters. Yeah, like just the most un-Spanish name you could think of. He was
an expat who moved to Spain to become a truck driver. But I also thought that maybe the
Bask thing would throw you off because how often does Bask show up in like random shit
that we've covered? Like, oh, right. Well, the the only two times I've heard it this year
are on this podcast. That's what I'm saying. Like, I thought maybe you'd be like, oh, well,
he's just taken that from the other things and melding into a story. All right. Well,
I thought I could trick you. You're too smart. Sorry. You got it. This is more time. You
have more time. You'll have the chance. We'll have to do this again because this was fun.
I enjoyed coming up with the song. This was fun. It was good. Long Lump is great. Yeah.
I thought that detail I thought would get you and think so you'd think it was real.
Well, in my head, I was like, I want to go up there and check this out. I want to go
see this road. It's not that far. It's not that great. So road in Berwick. Well, now
it's not. Now that there's not a giant terror raptor, I should have just not said that any
of these were fake or real and just seen how many people listen to this episode and then
like try and write like a crypto, a back story, a pedia entry. But here's the thing. Most
people don't listen to like the last five minutes of this episode. So they never would
have figured it out. They probably they might still not. You never know. They'll hear like
put it in the description. State of the end for the big reveal. Yeah, I know. All right.
So that's the end of the episode. It was a good time. That was fun. That was really good.
You got anything you want to plug before we? Yeah. So New Citizens Guide episode is coming
out. Sorry, we missed a couple of weeks, but life got in the way as it usually does. But
this one's going to be a good one. You're going to want to tune in for it. We're covering
the great molasses flood of nineteen nineteen in Boston. It's not really a super supernatural
story, but it definitely follows our theme of covering things that are sticky, stupid
and uncomfortable. Definitely lately you've been covering things that are just that just
murder people. Yeah. Things that are just weird and uncomfortable. Yeah. So, yeah, that'll
be a fun episode. And there's a lot of like crazy history and actual political intrigue
that's involved. So a really interesting story, some corporate malfeasance, which we all know
and love in America. And I got a coloring book that's going to be coming out hopefully
in July. It's a grown up coloring book. There's going to be like word searches and mazes,
dicks and pussies and tits. Is that an adult coloring book, though? I mean, it could be.
It's not going to be my coloring book. Well, but I did tell the publisher my goal was for
it to be banned in libraries across the South. And I think we achieved that goal. A bunch
of gay shit that there is stuff in there. Yeah. That's the whole reason I was like,
I want there to be two teddy bears holding hands underneath a rainbow. And they made
it that way so you could color in the two teddy bears. Oh, but Project 2025 is not going
to enjoy that. Well, they're going to have to suck it up and deal because I have no problem
with gay people and therefore they shouldn't either. Because I command it. Well, you are
the sergeant. So that's right. What you say is law. Technically, I guess. Yeah. So check
out sometime this week. It'll be around the same time that this episode drops. Our hours
are probably drop a day or two after. So Tuesday or Wednesday, the great molasses flood. It
is. I've done the most research, probably some of the most research I've ever done for
a podcast episode on this. And it's just it's crazy. I got lazy today. I did no research
whatsoever for this episode. And it was you didn't have to. I know it was a blast. I loved
it. It was just amazing. It was so much fun. All right. So yeah, so this is guide. Definitely
make sure you check out the new episode when it comes out. Follow. So I'll tell you guys
about the coloring book when it comes out. It's going to be called Sages super normal
coloring book. So it's going to be anything but. Yeah, no, there's not going to be anything
normal in that coloring book. There's a lot of weird shit. We've got Maynard in there.
This has been in the works for months. I didn't want to talk about it until it was almost
done. Yeah. And so, yeah, there's me and Maynard on adventures in there. So you get to color
in an adventure with the both of us. And we've got some cryptids in there. So there'll be
references to this this podcast and citizens guide to the super normal in there. I better
get you in there because all the artwork was done before we before we started recording
together. But I just want one. I just want to come. You've got you've got a couple of
pages. So yeah, you'll be able to buy it on Amazon. It's going to be published. The all
the work was done by a legit publishing company, but we're going to publish it through Amazon
because it'll be a lot less expensive to purchase. They do. I don't know. They do that. Yeah.
Yeah. Keep an eye out for the new episode. Citizens guide. Keep out here and I for the
coloring book. I'm sure he'll promote it. So we'll be talking about. Yeah, I'll be annoying
about about it. I'll be supporting it. Follow Sarge on all of the socials. You can find
them in the link on our Instagram. You can follow our Instagram at Crypto Cocktail, also
Tick Tock Crypto Cocktail party, Patreon, five dollars a month. You get unedited video
of the show. And I think that's also it's Pride Month. So I support the Trevor Project.
It's this thing that I've always had a kind of a passionate thing about suicide prevention
for young trans people, gay people, stuff like that. So it's a good it's a good charity
to donate to. I have a link to it in my in our Tick Tock. You can support that. And then
I think that's it. Sarge, you want to say goodbye to everyone? Yeah, I mean, please
donate to the Trevor Project. The LGBTQ community holds a special place in my heart. My daughter
and I actually go down to Pride in Providence, Rhode Island next weekend. I get a free Dad
Hugs T-shirt that I always wear. That's good. And it's always you know, it's always good
to to give some encouragement to folks whose whose families have completely abandoned them
because of something that was beyond their control. So it's something that I firmly believe
in. Obviously, you do, too. So please make sure that you punch a bigot in the face.
In celebration of Pride. Just kidding. Don't do any violence that you know, Sarge doesn't
that I told you to do. But punch a bigot in the face. Yeah. Punch one in the face. Not
like a whole bunch. I mean, if you're surrounded, you know, yeah, punch you got to do. Do some
damage. Bring a chain with you. Put a put a billiard ball in a bandana. You know, yeah.
What are you going to do? Padlock on a bandana. That'll work. The cue ball in a sock. Whatever
you got. A roll of quarters in your in your pocket and you can just wrap your fist around
them. Yeah. Maybe I'll make some. What are you going to do? Maybe I'll make some cryptic
cocktail branded brass knuckles. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good idea. That's a really good idea.
And then you can make them rainbow colored. Now I'm going to look into that.
Our pride brass knuckle line. That's actually a really good idea. You know, you can't buy
brass knuckles in Massachusetts, but you can buy. You can buy paperweights. If they're
no, I have if they're sold, they sell them as paperweights. If they're sold as decorative
paperweights, quote unquote, you can buy brass knuckles if they're labeled as paperweights.
I found that out because in New Hampshire, they're they were illegal. I don't know if
they are now, but they were. And you could buy them, but only if they were labeled as
a decorative paperweight, decorative paperweight. So if I have a brass knuckle, I have one knuckle
and it's a bottle opener. Yeah. So if anyone wants to buy some films to buy some cryptic
cocktail pride theme decorative paperweights, we need this. We are going to make these.
We have to make these. Maybe I'll I'll look into it today. Maybe we'll put them for pre-order.
Tomorrow. So I'm all about it. I'll pre-order for sure. All right. With that, we love you.
We love everyone. I love you, everyone. Don't be a fucking bigot asshole. Don't be a bigot.
Yeah. I think that's a good way to end the show, right? Yeah, that's fair.