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We are the Brutal Bizarre and Boozy podcast.
I'm Declan, the son.
And I'm Jane, the mom.
This is the podcast where we talk about brutal crimes like serial killers and the random
one-off murder.
We will tell you about bizarre occurrences like alien abductions and monsters in the
dark.
And we just might get you drunk with cocktails themed around one of our stories.
At the very end of every show, we like to lighten things up and cleanse the palette
from the tragic and terrifying stories.
So we end our time with a chaser.
You might get to hear crazy stories about our pets or just silly movie recommendations.
Give us a listen.
We're the Brutal Bizarre and Boozy podcast.
Hey everybody.
Welcome back to another episode of Cryptic Cocktail Party, a show where we have a few
drinks, share a few laughs, take a dive into the unknown.
I'm your host, Dave, and I'm joined once again by the beautifully bearded, luxurious haired
Jamie Hurley.
What's going on, bud?
Hello, my good friend.
Oh, you're looking good.
You're in a creepy ass basement.
You look like Hagrid.
So I mean, the vibe you're working with right now is really working for me.
This is where I live now.
I've just I'm going deeper and deeper underground.
Whole bunch of crazy, prepper stuff, you know, just the usual.
Hey, you know, the way the country is going, the world is literally on fire right now.
It is so fucking hot.
So you might be close.
I think someone told me the other day at work that we're out of the era of global warming
and now we're in the era of global boiling or something like that, which is kind of cool.
It's awesome.
Everything is dying.
Like, what else more can you ask for?
I don't know.
And now aliens are real.
So who fuck knows?
It's all apparently apparently an alien being real is like that we've gone through so much
the past like 10 years of like like we've lived through so many.
Like aliens being real is like number four on the list of shit that we've had to deal
with.
So I don't know.
Whatever, man.
Like and it's so bizarre, like the bipartisan stuff about, you know, this alien fucking
thing while they all steal money out of our back pockets.
Yeah, but, you know, fine.
I believe in aliens.
So do I.
They didn't have to tell me they were real.
I already know I was there.
Just go deep enough down into the ocean until your submarine explodes and you'll figure
it out.
Dude, the deep sea is those are all aliens.
There's no way.
You're telling me some of those things that light up down there.
That's that came from Earth.
Bullshit.
You did like that.
That didn't figure out how to get RGV lighting down there.
Some kid was playing Fortnite with fucking fifteen thousand pounds of pressure on him.
Dude, fuck that.
All right, Jamie, well, I'm glad you're doing good.
I'm glad you're pooping normal again.
I know that's been the people who have been listening whenever you're on.
We always end up coming back to your health issues, but you seem to find a medication
that works.
You're pooping a normal amount.
You're not going to die of dysentery.
It's always around poop and it comes from an Oregon trail medication.
It's literally opium.
It's what the doctors gave me.
You can't say it like that because it is literally opium, but it's not like the fun opium.
No, it's not the fun opium.
It's just so you don't poop opium.
You got your run of the mill opium and then you have your.
You get so you don't poop opium.
Yeah, you know, it's it's a little different.
It's a dude.
I just thought I just had a really bad pun.
What it said?
Opiate for the masses.
It's opiate for your ass.
That's what you used back in the day.
Oh, God.
That's the crazy thing.
Oh, it's so good.
Opiate for the asses.
I'm going to start doing marketing for whatever off.
All right, Jamie.
Well, I invited you on today for a reason.
Why is that?
Back in back in back in April, we did an episode called Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods
where we went over four.
We shared it.
We went over four different fearsome creatures from William T. Cox's 1910 books, fearsome
creatures of the lumberwood.
And it was a lot of fun.
I thought we had a good time with it, I think.
We definitely did.
I thought so.
So I figured today we would do a sequel, do a part two.
And I couldn't do it without you, obviously.
You had to be here for it.
You can't do a sequel without the main cast.
Oh, my God.
You're you're too kind.
I mean, you could, but no one would want to see.
You know what I mean?
Like sequels without the people that were in the original.
That's not a sequel.
That's just another movie.
Well, it's like I look like a crazy lumberjack.
There's just fewer to see.
So yeah.
So before we start, last time we did this, you you struggled with the fact that all of
these came from the same book and that these are just like lumberjack folklore stories.
So right off the bat, Jamie, these all come from the book, Fearsome Creatures by William
T. Cox was written in 1910.
OK, I love it.
So that way when you because I know after the first story, you're going to be like,
so when was this sighting and where it's it's it's it's from the same book.
It's all from the same book.
That's why this scripted cocktail hour.
Kids have a few cocktails, you know.
Yeah, no, it's good.
All right.
So I chose four today.
They get progressively more weirder and fucked up.
One of them.
I didn't even bother writing a script part portion for it because what he writes in the
book alone is bonkers and I would do an injustice by like making up my own version of his story.
So when we get to there, I'll let you know.
All right.
Awesome.
So the first crazy, fearsome critter, not crazy critter, that was last week's episode.
The first fearsome critter has been spotted all throughout the great state of Maine, ranging
from Allagash to New Brunswick.
A strange creature lurks in the forest that, quote, has puzzled many a man, even those
who are not strangers to the wood, end quote.
I don't know why I'm talking like this.
Wait, that's.
So wait, is that is that it?
Or is there more?
No, that's it.
No.
Yeah.
So the stories go that the stories go and this isn't a one off thing.
It's happened more than just one instance and to several different logging camps and
hunting parties.
But the stories go that there'll be reports of bear tracks that would be spotted near
a logging camp, but when someone else in their party goes to confirm and check for the tracks,
they come back and report to the rest of the camp that the other person was wrong and they
were actually moose tracks.
Well, Jamie, if there's one thing that most outdoorsmen pride themselves on, it's being
able to tell different animal tracks apart.
I mean, they're lumberjacks.
They're in the woods constantly, especially in the woods of Maine.
You should be able to tell the difference between like a moose track and a bear track.
They are wildly different animals.
Absolutely.
And moose are terrifying.
Like moose will kill you.
Oh yeah.
They're probably just as violent as bears.
Yeah.
Especially if you're between a mama and her calves.
Oh yeah.
They'll never ever do that.
There's your woods tip for the day.
Yeah.
Do not.
Moose will kick a hole right through your chest.
Do not fuck with a moose.
Period.
Yeah.
It'll kick your heart out through your spine.
Yep.
So, yeah.
So, not taking too kindly to being called a liar and having their tracking skills come
into question, this confusion between the tracks would lead to very heated arguments
that in some cases will lead to full on fist fights and outright brawls at the camp.
In the book, it said that, quote, it is rightly considered an insult to a woodsman to accuse
him of not being able to distinguish the track of either of these animals.
Obviously, they're wildly different animals.
Of course.
So, who or what is the culprit that's making these tracks that seem to switch between two
wildly different animals?
Well, that creature is what is now referred to as the Tote Road Shagamaw.
And that's not real.
You're just making up the voices.
So it's the Tote Road Shagamaw.
And we got a description from a man hailing from Old Town Maine named Gus Demo.
I believe Gus Demo more than the Tote Road Shagamaw.
Yeah, the Tote Road Shagamaw.
Well, Gus is a 40 year veteran of hunting, logging and trapping in the woods of Maine.
One day he was out in the woods when he stumbled across what was unmistakably moose tracks.
He followed them for about a quarter mile when the tracks abruptly shifted into bear
tracks.
Another quarter mile and again, switched right back over to moose tracks.
He also noticed that the tracks were only on the Tote Roads that the loggers would use
to bring equipment to and from their camps and logging sites.
He followed the road and the tracks until he was actually able to catch up with the
creature and observe it.
Now he didn't give like a good description of like a face or a body, but the most important
part was that it had the front feet, like arms and hands of a bear and the back legs
of a moose.
And what it would do, it was walking like it was carefully pacing, like taking exactly
one yard steps.
He would do this for a quarter mile.
And then it was stated that it quote, stopped, looked around and then swung itself as if
on a pivot and inverting itself and walking on the front feet.
So what it would do is it would walk on the moose legs, look around, fucking like reverse
his arms and his legs and then walk on the bear hands.
So it was a dope ass break dancer is what you're saying.
They're doing some hand spins and head spins.
So was he playing some like old funk or b-boy music and then figured out like we got a dope
ass like.
I don't know what was going on.
It just it would walk on legs and then it would look around to make sure no one was
looking.
It would pivot and then just walk on the bear legs.
Like I don't.
That's sick.
And then just really a little added thing.
Gus Demo also came to the conclusion that the Shagma could only count to four hundred
and forty and that's the reason it inverts itself every quarter mile.
There's no I don't know why they put I don't know why they put that in there, why it's
relevant to the story.
But I figured I'd include it.
Black guy who can break dance in the woods of Maine.
And it might scare you if you're white.
Never seen that before.
But I'll tell you.
Oh, the total check.
Well, the total check.
God, you have it.
But yeah, so no, that's that's.
What the fuck is that?
I don't even know.
Do they only get better from here?
This is the least interesting one.
What and this from the same book.
God damn it, Jamie, if you ask me that question.
Yes, I did.
These are all from the same book.
I did that on purpose.
I know you keep doing it.
It's a good bet.
That's a good bet.
I love you.
Deal with it.
Are you ready for this next one?
Yes, I do.
This next one's really fun.
Is it another break dancing?
Dude, it's even better.
It is so much better.
All right.
So in the great cactus district between Prescott and Tucson, Arizona, and even further south
into Mexico in the Yucatan Peninsula, there's probably one of one of the more fun, fearsome
critters and that is the cactus cat.
These dudes party animals.
These dudes know how to fucking rage.
So the cactus cat, the cactus cat is described as having rigid and thorny like hair, almost
like that of like a porcupine or cactus has a branch tail.
So the tail like it like goes out and then it has like little nubs on it, kind of like
little branches.
I don't know why, but this is where it gets good on its forearms right above its front
paws are razor sharp knife like blades made out of bone.
So like a cute cat version of like Baraka from Mortal Kombat.
Awesome.
Luckily, though, as far as I can tell, they don't use them to like straight up just disembowel
people as far as I know.
They should know what they know what they do is even better.
Jamie, they use these biological bayonets to slice open the base, the bases of giant
cactuses, letting the sap like seep out from the trunks.
And then they do this all throughout the course of several nights and like a mile wide circle.
Eventually, like making their way back to where they started, like a big circuit of
cutting open cactuses.
Now when they make it back, sorry, when they make it back to the first of the cacti that
was cut, the sap will have fermented, turning it into a quote kind of mascal that is very
sweet and very intoxicating.
And they drink up every last bit of it and just get absolutely fucking shit housed.
Or as the book puts it, fiddling the drunk, they then spend the rest of the night stumbling
across the desert in the moonlight, rasping its bony forearms across each other and screaming
with delight.
Now, I don't know.
I don't know if they're like.
Cutting each other with their bony arms and they're screaming and they're just having
a blast because they're drunk.
It's like some like S&M type shit.
I don't know.
But either way, I vibe with these dudes.
Whatever they are, I hope when I die, come back as one of those things.
They're just little cats that have grown through the desert, you know, cutting open cacti.
Certainly they didn't.
We've from surely had some peyote like in there.
No, they're getting fucking hammered off this.
They're makeshift mascal.
It's like basically tequila.
God damn.
What God damn.
You all right, Jamie?
Oh, I'm good.
I'm good.
I've been I've been hitting a little bit of the the mezcal myself today.
So you got you.
All right, Jamie.
So yeah, we to blow out everyone's speakers.
You're welcome.
You're going to have to cut that.
All right.
So, Jamie, this is where it starts getting weird.
Dirt weirder.
I like the tequila whirling dervish or whatever the fuck it is.
Cactus cat.
I like I'm picking up what they're putting down.
No, they're a party animal.
They just love getting fucked up and they make their own booze.
That's awesome.
That's where the term party animal probably came from.
It's the cactus cat cactus cat slicing up fucking cacti and getting hammered and just
living life.
It's so good.
All right, Jamie.
So this so this next one, this one's pretty badass.
And like I said, I don't think I could do it justice by writing my own description.
So I'm just going to straight up read exactly what was written by William T. Cox in The
Fearsome Creatures book, because it is too wild not to just like the opening line alone
is fucking bonkers.
So are you ready for this?
I'm ready.
All right.
So leading a vengeful existence, resenting the intrusion of the logger, the agro pelter
deal deals misery to the lumberjack from Maine to Oregon.
Ill fares the man who attempts to pass a hollow tree in which one of these creatures has taken
up its temporary abode.
The unfortunate is usually found smashed or pinned by a dead branch and reported as having
being killed by a falling limb.
So unnerring is the aim of the agro pelter that despite diligent search, I've been I've
been unable to locate more than one man who has been the target of one of their missiles
and yet survive to describe the beast.
That man is big old Kittleson.
It sounds like it sounds like a WWE wrestler.
Big old Kittleson's coming to the ring.
The name of this man is Big Old Kittleson, who upon a certain occasion when cruising
timber on the upper St. Croix was knocked down by a partly rotten tree limb thrown by
an agro pelter.
Oh my God.
Is cruising timber like a gay thing?
Like is.
I mean, if it is, no one's no one's ducking your yum, but cruising for timber is hands
ducking your yum.
I mean, if it wasn't before it is now, it has to be cruising for timber copyrighted,
hashtag it, get the website done and done, done and done.
So yeah, a rotten limb was thrown by an agro pelter at a at what was his name again?
Big old Big Old Kittleson.
Now the limb was the limb was so punky that it shattered on old old's head and he had
time to deserve the rascally beast before bounded from the tree and whisked off through
the woods.
According to old, the animal was has a slender, wiry body, the villainous face of an ape and
arms like muscular whiplashes, which with which you can snap off dead branches and hurl
them through the air like shells from a six inch gun.
It is supposed it is supposed to feed upon hoot owls and woodpeckers, the scarcity of
which will prevent the agro pelter from becoming numerous in any locality.
And that is that is the tale of the agro pelter.
So this is like a this is like a cross punk train hopper high on sherm.
Just like throwing branches and sticks and whatever at you, because I've seen it.
I've seen lives in a hollow tree.
It's like a keeper elf, but like a nightmare keeper elf.
It's a cross park high on sherm broke.
Can we just talk about the name Bigel Kittleson for a minute?
And how it's the best wrestler name ever.
Bigel Kittleson just cruising for timber.
I think you need to make a grinder account and make her name Bigel Kittleson and just
make the thing under a cruise in for timber.
Oh, God.
You'd crush it.
I think it was Jesus on anything.
I was going to change my Instagram for the show, change the bio to just cruising for
timber.
Cruise.
Fuck, Bigel.
I'm just some Bigel Kittleson.
Bigel Kittleson was out there cruising for some timber when all of a sudden a bigel log
fell on my head, but not the log I was looking for today.
It was a heavy, meaty log.
And then it hit me and things happened.
All right.
So moving on, this is the last one I got for you, Jamie.
Oh, God.
I don't know if he can beat Bigel Kittleson, but let's see.
All right.
In the coastal regions of California, one of the more unfortunate looking creatures
popped up in the spring of 1906 that had some.
It has what I would describe as like a Napoleon complex.
It wasn't a it's not a big animal.
It was from reported encounters, kind of a just a straight up dickhead.
Cox's.
It was Courtney Love.
Cox wrote in his book that quote.
Oh, yeah.
By the way, this is called the name of this thing is called the Central American Wind
Tosser.
It's a lot.
God.
Also, it wasn't quite it was Moby.
So Cox wrote in his book, quote, The Central American Wind Tosser is always looking for
trouble or making it in that any lumberjack or woodsman who have come across it on a tote
road or a trail would never want to meet it again.
If anything, this is your train hopping cross bunk.
Awesome.
Now, it would seem the wind tosser was designed for just straight up chaos, either by like
an unjust God or the devil himself.
Both its head and its tail are on a swivel, allowing its tail and head to spin around
like Linda Blair and the Exorcist at a rate at a rate of one hundred revolutions per minute.
Now that might not like seem super fast, but when it's an animal's fucking head, that is
too fast and very under really fat.
That's better than my new Diablo Barb character.
So now as far as the body of this thing goes, it doesn't get any better.
The body is basically a long triangle picture like a, you know, like a Toblerone box.
Yes.
Now picture that.
But on each side of that long triangle tube is a full set of legs.
So on each side of the triangle, it has four sets of legs, like two by the head and two
by the tail.
Just a big circle, a big triangle of legs and spinning heads and tails.
So once again, it all comes back to NYC B boys and break dancers.
Now Cox describes this as a good thing since it's earthquake country in that quote, if
the floor suddenly became the ceiling, it does not matter for the wind tosser is always
there with with the legs.
End quote.
Oh my God.
What?
What the fuck?
Yeah, it's a Toblerone.
It's a Toblerone chocolate with legs, three full sets of legs, head and tail that can
spin a hundred rotations per minute.
So they're kind of like Dachshunds or like wiener dogs or something if you were to like
put legs on each side of them and then send them into a cockfight arena.
Basically.
Yeah, it's all bad.
All of it's bad.
This is this is a new thing you haven't stumbled upon.
Fuck UFC.
Fuck MMA matches like we're doing Toblerone Dachshunds.
Yeah, dude.
But the thing also seems to be almost indestructible with claims that it can be shot club strung
on a pike pole and it will continue to just spin violently and end quote screams of rage.
They say the only way to kill the beast is to put it in a flume pipe, whatever that is,
because of all of its feet are touching a surface like touching a surface.
It will instinctively try and start walking in separate directions all at the same time
and it'll tear itself apart.
Oh my God.
It's a Chihuahua.
I've seen.
Oh, so you can make a potato potato cannon.
You remember making potato cannons as a kid?
Yeah.
Is that how you get rid of this thing?
Is he drop it down on the potato cannon, hit the bottom canister with a hairspray and launch
it out?
Yeah.
What you got to do is you got to put it in a tube so that the legs on its sides and on
its back are they're all touching a surface.
And then when they do all their legs will start trying to go in different directions
and it'll tear itself apart.
You don't got to do anything.
It'll just it'll just massacre itself.
You can just throw it on a piece of PVC pipe and that thing's gone.
Yeah.
I mean, it's still there.
It's just in several pieces now.
I mean, what does it taste like?
I can't imagine good.
Is it had really wired hair and that all the hair pointed in like forward instead of backwards
like a normal animal?
You never know.
It's all good.
It could be good.
I mean, I'm sure, dude, most crypt is probably taste delicious.
I'd try it.
It's like got to be like some wagyu beef or something, you know, like I bet it's jacked
as fuck, dude.
It has so many legs.
Of course it is.
People pay a lot of people pay a lot of money to eat dumb shit, though.
So yeah, there was that dude in Japan who had like the banquet when he like cut off
his dick and had people eat it.
Oh my God.
I didn't hear about that, but it sounds like a party.
Don't worry about it.
All right, Jamie.
Well, that was fearsome creatures of the lumber woods.
Part two.
Where are we?
How are we feeling?
I thought it couldn't get weirder, but it did.
I also haven't like really slept well for the past three days because my wife's been
sick.
So I'm like, I'm not sure if this is even really happening right now, but well, I mean,
I'm happy to be a part of it.
I'm here.
Most of the things described do sound like a weird fever dream.
So I can understand why you think that this might not actually be happening, but it is.
I'm sorry.
I hope I see some of them this afternoon or tonight because that would be fucking awesome.
Well, I mean, some of them are in Maine.
You can just go right up there, go to fucking New Brunswick.
Only like I can literally walk to the main border.
So yeah, I think I'll just go down to, you know, the Lebanon gas station and watch all
the creatures wander around there.
Those are a different type of creatures.
You know what the Lebanon gas station consists of right now?
I'm going to say heroin addicts and booze.
Close.
They only recently got their booze license, but there's three different businesses in
the Lebanon gas station.
One is a medical marijuana business.
Yeah.
And the other, the other is a dog adoption business.
So it's like, you can get gas snacks.
You can actually, they have like a mini restaurant there.
You can order subs and pizza too.
It's like, you can get high, get a pizza.
And I'm like, I guess I'm taking this dog with me too.
I mean, talk about one stop shopping.
I mean, let's all be honest with ourselves.
It's beautiful.
It's the rest of the world needs to offer like lawless Lebanon.
Oh, so good.
All right, Jamie.
Well, I appreciate you coming on.
I hope this wasn't too weird for you.
It was, and it wasn't.
I want to throw some weird stuff at you one time.
Hey man, if you want to write an episode and get weird, you're more than welcome.
Oh dude, I can just tell you what happened yesterday and get really weird with it.
Within the realm of what the show is about.
I don't want to hear about some, I don't hear real day to day weird shit.
You're sick, Dave.
Obviously.
I know what I'm.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Well, thank you so much, Jamie.
I love you.
I miss you.
I'm glad your poops better.
I love you.
My poops are better.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Let's see.
Follow me on Instagram at Crypto Cocktail.
Follow me on Twitter, Crypto Cocktail.
Follow me on TikTok, Crypto Cocktail party.
Also we've got shirts up for preorder.
If anyone wants to get one, go to cryptococktail.bigcartel.com by buddy Jack designed me a nice little
Flatwoods Monster Miller Highlife rip t-shirt.
So yeah, grab one of those.
They're going to pre-order only going to be up for like the next week.
Once they're gone, they're gone.
So make sure you do that.
And then what else?
I think that's it.
I don't have anything else to plug.
Get them t-shirts.
Yeah.
I saw, I saw those actually, but I did not like, um, uh, know how to work my phone at
the time that I saw them.
Well, I mean, so you got, they look, they look sick.
They look like I'm, I'm getting one.
Yeah.
Get one for you and Ali, you know?
Yep.
All right.
Champion.
You want to say goodbye to everyone before I say bye to everyone or should I say bye
first and you say bye?
Um, I think we should do a duet.
Do you want to say, want to do, want to say goodbye at the same time?
Yeah.
We're going to do like one, two, three and harmonize.
Okay.
Are we just saying goodbye?
Are we just going to say bye?
Just goodbye.
All right.
No, no, no.
Bye's easier.
Three, two, one.
Bye.
That was not in sync at all.
It was close.