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How to false Crush.
What's up, you fucking nerds?
What's up, bitch?
Hey, everyone.
Welcome back to another episode of Cryptic Cocktail Party, a show where we have a few
drinks, share a few laughs, take a dive into the unknown.
I'm your host, Dave, and today I am joined by the, I don't know, every barista you've
ever met in your entire life, Luke Ferry.
This show is starting off hot, man.
I'm sorry.
Good roast.
I do not have a man bun for the audience that can't see me.
No, but just picture that.
And I was a barista for a while.
Yeah.
Luke looks like every meme about IPAs and latte art.
Okay, but take those and you can definitely be like, okay, buddy, listen, this is a black
medal.
If only they've seen the videos of you that I have with the long hair, the big beard, shirtless.
Big ass metal boots kicking people in the pit.
Yeah.
So good.
Anyways, man, how you doing?
I drug you away.
Dragged?
Drug?
I didn't drug you.
I dragged you away from going out with your friends for just a little while so we can
do this.
Part two, Hollow Earth.
And I apologize for that.
But besides that, how you doing?
I'm doing fine.
You know, we figured shit out.
Now I'm just drinking my first one or two here instead of on a trampoline.
And I'm sorry, Dave.
Like, hold on.
Are you going to be drinking them while jumping on the trampoline or is it just hanging out
on a trampoline?
You use the back flip and then when you're upside down, the liquid pours straight into
your stomach.
That sounds like I would instantly throw up.
Yeah.
All right, man.
Well, I'm glad you're doing good.
Thanks for joining us.
I didn't want to do part two without you because this is our series now.
We have to.
This is ours.
We have to see it through.
Like, I know who you were going to get and he lives in town over.
I fucking fist fight him.
No, Hollow Earth is fucking mine.
Back off my goddamn turf.
Justin was going to do.
He was going to come on if you couldn't.
But I wouldn't have done part two.
I would have done like a filler episode.
But we're here now.
Do you remember where we last left off with Admiral Byrd in his mission?
Well, not mission, his accidental mission into Hollow Earth?
The swastika people helped him land in the warm world of the North Pole where there are
woolly mammoths.
Yes, pretty much.
So where we where we last left off, Admiral Byrd and his radio men.
I forgot to mention last episode that he wasn't alone.
There was a dude in the plane with him.
He's unnamed.
He's just called the radio man.
I think like, I don't know.
I don't know his name and I did not bother finding it out.
But they touched down in a beautiful, glowing, possibly Nazi occupied city inside the Hollow
Earth following what was supposed to be a routine fly over at the North Pole.
Upon touchdown, he saw a group of tall, blonde, possibly Nazi men approaching their plane
and being told to exit the craft.
And that's where we're going to pick back up.
Do you remember all that?
Yep.
All right.
So after Byrd and his companion were taken off the plane following touchdown, he says
that they were welcomed by the men in a very friendly, friendly and quote cordial manner.
They step onto like a platform of sorts and that and Byrd said they didn't have any wheels.
So it's just kind of like hovering, I guess.
And it starts moving towards the city with quote great swiftness.
In my head, I picture remember at the end of Revenge of the Sith when they're on the
lava around Mustafar and fucking Anakin and Obi-Waner.
It reminds me like that platform.
I immediately went to much dumber than that.
And I was just like, like when you're in an airport and they have like those like conveyor
belt walkways.
Oh, the moving sidewalks.
Yeah.
I mean, he did kind of say it was how did he I forget how we put it, but maybe he did
say that he said just on a platform and started moving.
So I assumed it was like a hovering platform.
Maybe you're just smarter than I am.
I don't know.
So I'm also going from the visitors from Lanulos, the book that was written around the Mothman,
but not about Mothman.
And the guy just was like, yeah, just convey your belts everywhere.
It's the best.
And I mean, it is the most.
Dude, moving platforms at airports are fucking sick because it's the best.
Dude, it's the most.
It's the best way.
Best mode of transportation if you're on your feet next to like cycling is beautiful.
But anyways, cycling.
What?
You're not on your feet cycling.
I mean, using your feet.
It's the best bipedal mode of transportation besides bicycling.
How's that?
I don't know.
Skipping is pretty good.
Fuck you.
You're a frolic.
They soon arrive at a large building that Bird described as being right out of Frank Lloyd
Wright's design book and also notices that the buildings are made of some sort of crystal,
which will probably explain why it had like a glowing nature to it.
Now once inside the building, Bird and his unnamed radio man are shown to their quarters
and given some sort of warm beverage that Bird said, quote, tasted like nothing I'd
ever savored before.
It was delicious, end quote.
I don't know if he emphasized it like that, but that's how I'm interpreting it.
I'm surprised that it was delicious.
I'm surprised that they touched down into a crazy crystal city and he's offering food
from them.
Like he's accepting it.
You got to take stock of where you're at right now.
It's fair.
These people probably didn't build a crystal Frank Lloyd Wright moving sidewalk society
by just merkin randos who don't know how their instruments work on their airplanes.
True.
But also the voice on the radio before they touched down did say something about like
we brought you here or something like that.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but anyways, after about 10 minutes, two of the
tall blonde, possibly Nazi men came to the room and told Bird that he was to come with
them, but his radio man must stay behind.
Obviously in no real position to say no, Bird obliges and follows the men down the hall
to an elevator.
Once inside the elevator, it descends down for quite some time before the doors open
to reveal a long hallway that was emitting a rose colored light that he said seemed to
be coming from the walls themselves.
They continued down the hallway and stopped just short of a large door at the end.
They stand for a moment when suddenly the door slightly silently opens and Bird is beckoned
to enter.
Obviously he's a bit hesitant, but one of the men tells him, have no fear, Admiral.
You have you are to have an audience with the master.
Your face dropped as soon as I said the master.
I don't like that.
Now Bird enters the room and is immediately overcome with awe as he describes the room
as being the most beautiful sight of his entire existence and that the beautiful coloration
of the room was too wondrous to describe and that there is no human term that can describe
it.
What a cop out, dude.
Fuck that.
But also the fact that some HP Lovecraft like, no, you can't even imagine it.
So I can't describe it.
Don't worry about it.
But I like how he said there's no, he didn't say like there's no word in the English language.
He said there's no human term that was like from his journey, like journal.
That's a weird way to word that.
I feel like that might be true with his level of English education, but I feel like a more
verbose man might have gotten at least an attempt.
Yeah.
There's some sort of like just anything.
Give me one descriptor.
Yeah.
Just anything.
Yeah.
Pretty.
It's then that he snapped back to reality.
He just starts calling master senpai.
That's where I'm just hoping this goes.
You're hoping this is just going to be a good girl.
You got to get on your knees in front of the king, you know.
That'd be a good girl.
It's then that he snapped back to reality when he hears a warm, inviting voice speak
to him.
Quote, I bid you welcome to our domain, Admiral.
It's when he finally real, finally notices that there's a long table in the middle of
him, he sees a man, the master, sitting at the head of it, and he describes the master
as having delicate features with the etching of years on his face.
End quote.
The master, I hate calling it, the master invites Bird to sit and once seated, Mr. Master
places his fingertips together and smiles.
Like putting your fingertips together and smiling, that's like villain vibes if I ever
heard of them.
Mr. Burns power move.
Yeah, that is not good.
But so the master, wasting no time, just cutting right to the chase, conveys a dire warning
to Bird.
And I'm just going to read this whole interaction pretty much verbatim because it's wild.
It's fucking metal as shit.
And it kind of sounds like Bird was taking a creative writing class and he's just trying
to like.
He was not.
It did.
Couldn't describe a room.
That's all I'm saying.
Couldn't even make an attempt.
But also it includes my new favorite term for UFOs.
It's pretty good.
So the master's message goes like this.
He says, quote, we have let you enter here because you are of noble character and well
known on the surface world, Admiral.
Then Bird goes, surface world?
I half gasped under my breath.
The master goes, yes, you are in the domain of Ariani.
That's the name of the world inside the hall.
It's the city of Ariani, the inner world of the earth.
We shall not long delay your mission and you will be safely escorted back to the surface
and for a distance beyond.
But now, Admiral, I shall tell you why you have been summoned here.
Our interest rightly begins just after your race exploded the first atomic bombs over
Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan.
It was at the alarm.
It was at that alarming time we sent our flying machines, the flugelrads, to your surface
world to investigate what your race had done.
That is, of course, past history now, my dear Admiral.
This is super, this is villain like my dear Admiral.
Yeah, no.
So like I'm still locked in like 50 shade of grays and just imagining this as Senpai,
just because I find that hilarious.
But if you said that like, my dear Admiral, and I just went on like that, like, are you
going to nuke us too?
Like, do you have better bombs?
Like, I mean, they might.
They have a fucking city mayor, a crystal.
I don't know if that means anything.
I don't know if crystals are related to weapons, besides kyber.
I was wondering where you're like, I got nothing.
He goes on, quote, But I must continue on.
You see, we have never interfered before in your race's wars and barbarity.
But now we must, for you have learned to tamper with a certain power that is not for man,
namely that of atomic energy.
Our emissaries have already delivered messages to the powers of your world, and yet they
do not heed.
Now you have been chosen to witness here that our world does exist.
You see, our culture and science are many thousands of years beyond your race.
End quote.
It's then that Admiral Bert interrupts.
We have conveyor belts.
This is like 1949.
So I mean, that that would blow someone's mind away.
Like, holy shit.
I'm like walking slow, but I'm going fast.
Yeah.
Whoa.
It's then that the Admiral interrupts the master is like, yeah, this is cool and all.
But what does this like have to do with me?
And after a few moments, the master responds with, quote, your race is now the Elder Scrolls
six.
Like, okay, I'm in on it.
Now he says, your race has now reached the point of no return for there are those among
you who would destroy your very world rather than relinquish their power as they know it.
End quote.
And then Bird wrote that he that his response to that was just him nodding like, yeah, that
tracks no shit.
They would kill all of us to stay in power.
I totally get it.
Now the master continues that, quote, in 1945 and afterward, we tried to contact your race,
but our efforts were met with hostility.
Our flugelrads were fine.
Is that is that an eight letter word by chance because I know what my knuckle tattoos are
going to be?
No, it's F L U G E L R A D S.
Oh, I need like way more.
You got any more thingies?
Our flugelrads were fired upon.
Yes, even pursued with malice and animosity by your fighter planes.
So now I say to you, my son, there is a great storm gathering in your world, a black fury
that will not spend itself for many years.
There will be no answers in your arms.
There will be no safety in your science.
It may rage until every flower of your culture is shuffled.
And all human things are leveled in vast chaos.
Your recent wars was only a prelude of what was yet to come for your race.
We here see it more clearly than with each hour.
Do you think I am mistaken?
An animal birds response to that was, nah, dude, this is like a hundred percent dead
on.
You are crushing it right now, master.
Okay.
Now I'm back on love and bird.
He's just like, dude, he's agreeing with.
I mean, and none of the things he's saying, the master is saying is wrong.
Oh, no, he's spot on.
I mean, spoiler alert, but things don't get better.
But at the time, like, hey, now this is when Bird says something.
So he's agreeing with everything he said, what the master is saying.
But then Bird says something here that almost makes me kind of think he, he didn't fully
understand what this dude was saying.
And he goes, quote, this happened once.
This is Bird speaking now.
He said, this happened once before the dark ages came and they lasted for 500 years, end
quote.
So either Admiral Bird knows of an ancient nuclear Holocaust that happened in the dark
ages.
And that's why it was like that.
Or maybe he's like equating like the plague and the little ice age to the same level as
nuclear devastation.
I don't know.
But I don't know, and that was not even really like what the dark ages were about.
That was just like stifling science.
So I don't know what he means by that.
So I don't.
Yeah, that's a left field, mother fucker.
I have no idea.
Yeah.
But then this is where it also gets weird because the master goes, yeah.
He's like, he goes, yes, my son, the dark ages that will come now for your race will
cover the earth like a pall.
But I believe that some of your race will live through the storm beyond that.
I cannot say.
We see at a great distance, a new world stirring from the ruins of your race, seeking its lost
and legendary treasures.
And they will be here, my son, safe in our keeping.
When the time arrives, we shall come forward again and help revive your culture and your
race.
Perhaps by then you will have learned the futility of war and strife.
And after that time, certain of your culture and science will be returned to your race
to begin anew.
You, my son, are to return to the surface world with this message.
So where are we at right now?
What are we thinking of the master?
We're thinking of his message to Admiral Byrd.
This is a lot for him.
Did this dude flew for five hours, ended up in a weird crystal city and now he's dealing
with this shit like.
It was a big day.
First up.
So the master's metal is hell and I love it.
It does get super metal like saying it.
Only flowers should be crushed like, yeah, dude, fuck you.
But also like they're like, yeah, this happened before.
But it's like, yeah, but we like we bounce back like you don't need your ass.
I just need to know what happened before.
Like what is he talking about?
The Dark Ages or just like the Dark Ages?
It wasn't like a nuclear Holocaust.
It was just Catholics.
True.
But I mean, true, the Dark Ages did have the plague.
It did have a little ice age.
But that was like hundreds of years of it happening.
I don't know, man.
Yeah, it was 700 years ago.
I think that this all might be.
Bullshit.
But that's me.
Also Byrd had one job.
Was to go and spread this message.
Yeah.
So he puts it in a book that says, do not read No Girls Allowed with a Little Locket.
Yeah.
Like, yeah, you did the worst job imaginable.
So now I'm not even mad as his son, who was like, oh, private writings, let's publish
it.
He was like, oh, my dad fucked up.
He was given one job by Senpai and couldn't fucking get it together.
No, he really botched this because guess what?
Was he like a famous person at all?
Edmure Byrd?
Yeah.
Yeah, he had some renown doing stuff.
I don't know what he did.
Yeah, because until this, I had to fucking heard of him.
It's not.
Yeah, he's not like famous, famous.
Oh, God, my dogs are going, eat shit right now.
We got new neighbors moving in next door.
Oh, yeah.
And I can already tell they're going to be fucking weird.
That's me.
All right.
So, yeah, so the master gave Edmure Byrd is this one job.
He had one job to do.
So with those closing words of the master, Edmure Byrd stood there for a moment, absorbing
all that was discussed.
And then admittedly, he awkwardly bowed and exited the room.
And that is where we will continue next week to find out how the earth responded to this
very ominous message.
Spoiler alert.
We did it.
The journal does go on to explain like him going back to the Pentagon and stuff like that.
And like, but this got to the Pentagon.
I guess so, dude.
We're going to find out next week, but I don't buy it.
This is the same.
Like, this is the same message that like after World War Two, when like you had the story
like Valiant Thor or like Bill Cooper wrote about some like hippie aliens that landed
in Florida and try to do the same thing, like be like disarm all your it's just it's the
same weird alien nonsense that whenever it's all or like those fucking the aerial school
phenomenon, those aliens came down and are like, take care of your planet.
Like I highly doubt 15 different alien races and the middle of the earth.
People are like, you guys need to chill.
Because I don't think we do need to chill.
We do.
But like, do people do this because they think that the only way humans will understand this
is if some person writes in a weird book somewhere that aliens told them to do it?
I mean, we haven't found any other reason that they do care because it just keeps happening.
So you know, just throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks.
It's just one of the venues.
It's like aliens telling us to cool it just seems to be like the go to thing for like
nuclear disarmament or like better the planet.
And it's like, bro, is there not going to listen if we're not going to listen to fucking
aliens?
What are we going to do?
Like, what do we need?
We're not going to listen to our constituents.
Nothing like we won't even listen to humans on earth.
They're not going to listen to some fucking a little alien coming down and being like,
bro, you guys are really fucking this up until they until it's on the news.
I don't really care about those.
I mean, not disagreeing with them.
Like yeah, we should know not by any means like Earth is bad vibes, bro.
Dude, if an alien came down and said word for word what the master said to Admiral Byrd
on a nationalized like television thing, like I would be shitting myself like the like the
flower or the flowers will be crushed of humanity and nothing will be left.
Basically scorched earth motherfucker like I'm going to you know, maybe I won't get a
bag next time I go to the store, you know, I'll carry what I have.
Remembering those 15 reusable bags I have.
Yeah, like but then I'm the idiot who forgets reusable bags.
I end up buying another reusable bag now.
I'm just way worse.
I was like today my wife, like my wife got new luggage because she's going on a cruise
to the Mediterranean in September.
She got she got new luggage and she says like she's like, oh, this is the first carbon neutral
luggage company.
And I was like, yeah, but it still has to go on a plane.
Like that's the point of like it's not carbon neutral and the boat and yeah, like it's like,
yeah, you took that one aspect out.
Yeah, because I'm pretty sure carbon neutral has to do with like the delivery process to
like it doesn't it has to factor in everything that it's used for.
Right.
Realistically, what it is is they use a bunch of carbon to make the product and then they
buy off carbon offsets.
Yeah.
But they pay for a grove of trees for a little bit.
Yeah, because they're not it's not really it's not carbon.
That's what carbon neutral is, is they they're they're still polluting.
But then they like buy a jungle and they're like, no, see, it's cool because this jungle's
here.
The trees work for us.
They're putting in there like ants, but all they do is breathe.
I mean, ants can't really do much more.
But yeah, so that is oh, whoa.
I don't know, see those dudes fucking whipping rocks and it's true magic.
Two towers, dude.
Magic the Gathering came out with a Middle Earth set.
It was pretty cool.
But I don't I don't remember seeing any end cards.
I'm pretty bummed out about.
Well then fuck the whole thing.
Fair enough.
You can't give a shit about hobbits.
No, there's like 15 different Gandalf cards.
I was like, all right, just cool it.
Well, shit.
The only the only cool card that you're allowed to gray and white.
There's a cool.
There's a cool card, though, and it's this is we're so far off topic right now.
But it's the end of the episode, so who cares?
But there's one cool card and it's it's an artifact.
I'm pretty sure it's just the Balrogs whip.
And that's that's pretty sick.
That's pretty cool.
All right, look.
So where are where are we so far in the story?
We got we got Admiral Byrd and his radium and flying across the the the not the Arctic,
the the North Pole getting sucked into a tunnel.
There's a mammoth.
They're possibly Nazis.
The name of the the name of the city is called Ariella or something like that.
And now the master is telling him the world's doom.
And now he has spread the word.
Where are we on the story?
Like, what do you how you so where we are is where I assign you homework.
I want you to put in a freedom of information request about Byrd.
I feel like that's going to take a lot more.
I think it's going to take a while.
You got this.
I don't even know how to do a FOIA request.
I should figure it out, though.
That'd be cool to figure out how to do it.
That would be, dude, if we can be the ones to fucking drop this info.
Yeah.
All right.
And like, realistically, all you could prove is that some guy showed up to the Pentagon
and did say these things.
I wonder how this does this tie into value or you think.
Maybe it's the same message, but we're getting off that way.
Yeah, but then that's tying if we're just going by message, we're tying everything.
That's fair enough.
All right.
Well, except for all of the alien experiences that I actually believe the people did see
that.
Yeah, because the ones that seem more real are maybe we don't trust these dudes.
The aerial school phenomenon.
I kind of believe that one.
I only kind of believe that one just because it was children.
And if I went into a room of like 20 children, I was just like three, four and blue and then
walked out for 15 minutes and be like, what did I just say?
Maybe two of them are getting it right.
That's what they they all remembered the message and described them the same way as like kids
aren't good at things.
True.
But they're they're research.
I'm faster.
I am better at math.
It like if you came to me, OK, maybe I have a little bit more thinking skill.
I don't like I lost it there.
The thing is with the aerial school phenomenon, there it was kind of flawed because they interviewed
the kids like five in a room at a time instead of one on one.
So they all kind of played off.
I've never heard that before.
That's stupid.
And then also, so the first investigator came down, some lady from the UK and she talked
to all the kids and not one of them brought up a message of like.
Save the planet, stop polluting is only when the other guy came in and he said, I think
Johnny comes in and he started interviewing them and he was also a well known advocate
for like.
Save the ocean, save the whale, save the planet kind of thing.
And he kind of so that it never heard that.
That sucks.
Well, we never heard that.
Maybe you should go listen to our episode on the aerial school.
All right, everyone, thank you so much for listening.
Listen to this podcast.
Thank you so much for coming on.
I appreciate you take a time out of your day.
I know it was a it was kind of a shit show, but I still got cryptids and drinking.
So yeah.
So business as usual.
Everyone go follow Luke on Instagram at Spring Hill.
Luke, like you said last episode, it's mostly just pictures of his cats pinball every once
in a while, some hiking photos and stuff like that.
That's all I got to plug.
Yeah.
Follow us on Instagram.
My cat's cute as fuck.
It is true.
Cat is cute as fuck.
Follow us on Instagram.
Crypto cocktail party.
No, creepy cocktail.
Sorry.
Instagram is cryptic cocktail.
Follow me on Twitter at Crypto cocktail.
Follow me on TikTok.
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Go preorder shirt.
Crypto cocktail at somewhere.
Link will be in the description.
I don't even know where to buy the shirts.
And with that, Luke, do you want to say goodbye to everyone?
Bye, Senpai.