This town has been called a lot of different things over the years, but the most recent
name is Salt Haven.
As the waves crash against the rocks and the sun moves behind the hills for the night,
fishermen and sailors tie up their boats and head to the local drinking holes to let off
steam.
The Salt Haven harbor was built out of the ruins of a much older settlement, sometimes
referred to as the Old Harbor.
It was a settlement that was given up on, forgotten.
Then the free people of Salt Haven moved in, rebuilt it, and now call it home.
See Salt Haven might be encrusted in sea salt and reek of rotting fish guts, but there is
gold aplenty in the coffers of its citizens.
For more than a century since its rebirth, the ships of Salt Haven have worked the rich
fishing grounds along the coast.
Trade ships from near and far have been using the docks to unload their goods, and lately
we find more and more sailors and pirates moving in to call this place home as the dwarven
mining operation and the trade routes grow.
Smuggling and pirateeering has long been a profitable business here, and people have
started to take notice.
The town is ran by a town council.
The people in it usually belong to one of the town's factions.
The traditionalists and the loyalists, both of which have their own views on how the town
should be ran.
Salt Haven is a place of constant energy.
At sunrise, the docks bustle with fishers, preparing to venture out for the day.
The merchants move their ships into the docks once the fishing fleet is out for the day,
and dock workers rush to load and unload goods before the boats return.
The daily energy and bustle carries over into even rowdier nights.
The fishers chug ale and swap stories, each seeking to outdo the other with their tales
of the sea.
Fights erupt as rival crews cross paths, and the town guard tries its best to keep a high
profile in hopes of maintaining the peace.
The docks of Salt Haven, though, are the beating heart of the town.
Recently, they have undergone a series of expansions intended to lure larger merchant
vessels into the port.
This part of Salt Haven is mostly constantly busy, and it's rare to see the large piers
unoccupied.
Guarded warehouses are a common sight in this district, and it is considered suspicious
behavior to even walk near these places at night.
But this is where we find ourselves now, as a large transporter vessel docks lowers its
anchor and people in search of new opportunities, a boat of their own, or even a place to call
home walk off the docks and into Salt Haven.
Three of our four heroes of this story step off the boat and are approached by a sailor
holding a paper and a quill, and without looking up, he says,
Welcome to Salt Haven.
Please state your name so I can put you down.
What is put down?
Oh god.
Here we go.
I can't wait.
Yeah, now's the time for you guys to talk and introduce yourselves, so let us know what
you look like and what your class is.
I be Cox in the sea.
Aye, there you go, there be me name.
Good name.
So you're a human monk.
So Halp is a shark folk blood hunter.
Nice.
Halp primarily looks like what we would know as a great white shark, at least from the
neck up from the shoulders down.
It's very humanoid.
He's very buff.
He's very built.
His skin is got that dark, that dark gray that sharks generally have.
Nice.
And he doesn't wear a lot of clothing.
The clothing he does wear is usually made out of leather and the actual metal parts,
like his shoulder pads and what have you.
It's mostly rusted because he's a shark folk and he comes from the sea.
Yeah I love the rusty bit.
That's so good.
The armor, that's so good.
Right?
Yeah, hell yeah.
Oh and he has a fishing hook through his nose, like a nose piercing.
Fuck yeah.
Nice.
Cool.
Yeah.
What does he say to this guy?
So Halp looks down at this guy and puts a hand to his chest and says, name is Harp.
I don't have taste flavor.
All right.
Yeah.
He's like, yeah, I don't need, you taste like shark.
Man.
All right.
Yeah.
In the robot.
So I, you see before you a very, very gorgeous, very curvy warforged, which is very uncommon
in Nontoxica.
So she's made of wood to maintain buoyancy and 216 stainless steel.
That's kind of a bluey gray hue.
She has lots of scroll work tattooish.
Like tribal, like tribal, like down her arms and stuff.
Is it like black or like blue and the?
No, it's like a blue and eventually you'll see that it kind of glows sometimes.
And it's the same blue that's in her eyes.
So she also has a staff that has three stones that just kind of endlessly circle around
above it.
That's cool.
I mean, she's not, she was meant to be human tall, so she didn't stick out.
She also looks like she's wearing human clothing.
So she tries to fit in as much as possible.
She says to the man, hello, my name is Carwin.
Blessed Peru, do you need my address?
Uh, no, we don't need your address, robot.
I'm sure I'm just trying to do me job.
Please keep on moving.
We're trying to get the line here.
You see all the people behind you.
I cannot see behind me.
My eyes go forward.
Her eyes are in front.
Yeah.
Do you wish me to proceed down the plank?
Yeah.
Proceed down the docks, please.
Thank you.
Have a good day.
Jesus.
Okay.
I know you love me.
Yeah.
This is going to be a fun campaign so far.
Okay.
You three leaving the docks, you walk through the town, taking in all of these new sites
because for the very first time you could see that there are torches placed on wooden
poles and they line the cobblestone and sand pathways that wind and curve through Salt
Haven.
On every other corner or so stands a set of town's guard, basically local law enforcement,
and they are easily noticeable because they have the brand of three letters on their chest
plates, SHG, which you assume stands for Salt Haven Guard.
You pass by buildings as you walk and take in the sites.
A strange thing you notice though is that half of the shops in the town are still open
even though it is nighttime.
But you three can kind of gather, at least I'm assuming Coxwin the Sea can gather, that
it's because the sailors and the fishermen return to the town at night and that's when
a lot of the shops profit.
Well, I mean, that would also depend on the tides and stuff like that.
If we are also a fishing village, people will be out in the tides in a certain time of year.
It depends on if they're out or not.
That's very true, Coxwin.
Just walking to the town randomly say that out loud as it's quiet and you're just like,
well, it depends on if it's a tide or tides.
You do realize I do not have an inner monologue.
My thoughts come out as I say everything.
Yeah, there's no inner monologue.
If you say it in character voice, I'm assuming you're saying it out loud.
So that's what's...
All right.
Before you make it too far into this village, you stop at a sign that says the empty net
tavern.
This tavern is partially supported by stilts that are driven into the harbor waters.
This rickety tavern is bustling with loud yells and yars from the inside.
Through the windows, you see what could be smugglers and mercenaries, assassins, and
possibly even pirates.
There's throwing around food and laughing and cheering together.
As you three stand there staring to the window deciding on what to do next, a large male
with dreadlocks and a large hat moves very fast towards the window as he yells, oh, Smeagol,
don't you ever talk about me boat that way.
He swings and throws what looks to be a green goblin person out of the window.
He flies out over the railing towards all three of you.
Everyone first roll of the campaign.
Even you, Smeagol.
Roll me a deck save.
First roll.
Roll me a deck save as he comes flying out the window at you.
Help got a four.
It's deck save.
He rolled an 11.
Well, Carwin is just all over everything and she got a natty 20 plus one.
First roll of the season and Carwin got a nat 20.
So this is probably going to set the tone.
Let's just write it down and remember this happened because it's all downhill from here.
That's right.
Smeagol, as you come flying out of this window, what did you get for your deck save?
Like is it maybe you'll land on your feet.
Who knows?
I'm just a 10 of a dexterity save.
With your 10, this small goblin comes flying out of the window just as Carwin, you just
step out of the way.
Help you guys aren't paying a lick of attention as this goblin flies out the window and lands
on top of both of you and you both fall to the ground.
Hitting the ground, each one of you are also going to take 1d4 damage.
A green goblin has hit you.
Do you need assistance?
The world turned on me.
What the fuck?
All right, well, you're going to stand up.
Now would be your time to kind of explain your character, who you are, what you look
like and then stand up and greet these lovely lads that you just basically bowled over.
Me kind of picks himself up and looks around and looks back to the window that's shattered
and he says, eh, farther than last time, I guess it's a new record.
Kind of looks to the party and sees this large shark man, something he's never seen before.
He says, oh, great, see, you've sent him to me, my new captain.
I love him.
And he kind of looks to this shark and he falls to his knees and he goes, great captain.
Now Smee also took a four on his damage.
So he pulls a piece of glass from his head that he's just kind of hanging on to and he
flicks to the side.
You can see a little bit of blood come out of there.
She looks at the shark and he goes, where do you have me?
Captain, I need a ship.
I need a captain.
I'll serve you.
I'll serve you and I'll wash your feet.
You want me to wash your feet?
Feet don't need washed.
What about your robot?
Robot's got feet.
I can wash them.
I do not need any part of my body washed.
Thank you for offering your assistance.
Where's Smee going to fit in?
He can't wash feet.
He is a bad day.
Explain what you look like a little bit and what is your class?
Obviously your name is Smee Gull.
Smee Gull, because you know, it's very aquatic.
He is very, very smelly looking is the best kind of way to describe Smee.
He looks like he hasn't showered or changed his clothes since he's been alive and it doesn't
look like he's been doing very well for himself.
Nice.
What are you wearing?
Burlap sack.
And a little tiny pair of underwear to keep him warm.
You know?
Fuck yeah.
That's awesome.
What do you guys say to this goblin as he just deals all this damage to you guys and
falls out this window?
Smee made it farther than last time.
I'm getting better.
I'm trying to figure out the mechanics here.
Do you just billow up your sack?
No, no.
A large man throws Smee.
Smee fly out window.
A large man throw harder.
Smee fly farther.
Depends on how much Smee made him.
Help.
You hungry?
No.
Old captains, he is strong.
I've seen him stab many things, so I fell in love with him.
But help is hungry.
I will have to interject.
Humans and humanoids are not on your menu of approved foods.
Please do not eat the old captain.
Very nice.
She said old captain.
Didn't say nothing about a young captain.
I stand corrected.
You four stand outside of this establishment on the inside.
People are still partying, raging on.
None of them seem to notice that a goblin was thrown out of the window.
They just continued on their business.
What do you guys do?
Help is hungry.
Help bends down and picks up a piece of glass and starts eating it.
Put it down.
You're not listening, help.
Put the glass down.
Help.
But help is hungry.
That is not food there.
We've talked about this before.
Remember when you hurt yourself the last time.
This time I'd no have see-through chip.
Yes, because it was brown glass.
It's the same thing with a different color.
Go.
Fight.
Thank you.
Help throws it down like he's having a temper tantrum.
Clear glass added to the list of non-edible items.
Yes.
Added to shopping lists.
Ridiculous.
Okay, Shmee, so you've been around this town for a long time, Shmee.
They're talking about trying to find food and grog and jobs, and you indeed do offer
to the party to help them find some jobs and things.
You actually know that the man that just threw you out of the tavern for insulting his boat
actually does have leads on jobs, and that's one of the reasons why you were there in the
first place.
To get jobs you gotta talk to Old Captain.
To job bring food.
Yeah, I mean, you'd find food.
Shmee knows where food is, but it's hard stealing food.
They usually try to take your fingers, and Shmee can't lose any more fingers.
You see he's missing like two fingers.
I eat fingers.
Yes.
Old help here.
He loves his finger foods.
Or food made of fingers.
Either or.
Not on the approved list.
Shit.
All right, shall we go talk to this old captain and see about some jobs here?
Maybe find a stall or two we can steal some food from.
Little Shmee-gull thing, are you hungry there, lad?
You have food for Shmee?
He kind of like runs up to you already out of breath for the two feet that he's ran to
you.
And he looks up at your large statue and he goes, you'll be no captain, you'll feed Shmee.
Shmee takes Shmee take food.
I reach into my pouch, grab him a ration, be like, I hear there.
Have this ration, see how it tastes.
As you're passing it to him, he snatches it from your hands and with a barrel, you just
kind of hear him on the other side, just giving into this thing.
Cuxwain the Sea, this goblin is eating possibly too fast.
He may choke.
I almost lost a finger the first time giving it to him.
I'm not going to be taking it away from him.
Ah, that's neither here nor there.
Let's go find us some work.
All right, so you four, after you're done eating, of course, Shmee, you join the party.
You four walk together into the empty net tavern.
As the door opens, all of the lanterns and the candles shine through the door on all
of you guys and the smell of just rotted fish guts and stale beer and maybe even a little
bit of puke kind of fills your noses as you step in Shmee.
This also could be Shmee a little bit.
As you four step on the inside, you see that this place is pretty packed with a lot of
different kinds of sailors, pirates, again, smugglers, could be all kind of eating and
drinking, et cetera.
As you take your first few steps inside, a dagger goes flying over Halp's head and hits
the wall behind and then people are throwing food around.
You four walk up to the bar where sitting behind the bar happens to be the man with
the dreadlocks and the hat who just threw Shmee-gole out of the window just a few minutes
ago.
As you guys approach, he sees you, stands up and says, oh, hey, welcome in here to the
old empty net tavern.
I see you've brought Shmee-gole back in here.
I just threw him out, but what can I do you for?
I heard you might be the one to talk to about some work and make us a little bit of gold.
That be true.
Oh, yes.
I could help you out with some gold and some work.
I see you three are new here to the town of Salt Haven.
I've never seen you around before, so welcome.
Welcome here and of course, welcome to the old empty net tavern.
How about the first drinks on me you three can have?
Not you, Shmee.
You insulted me boat and you will not get a free drink, but first drinks on me as long
as you let me tell you tale, maybe it'll lead you to a job, you know, who knows?
Aye, I do like that idea.
Shmee didn't insult you boats, Shmee only peed on boats.
Yeah, you don't fucking pee on a man's boat, Shmee.
Don't make me throw you out the window again.
Aye, but what's the poop deck for then?
Well, that's for pooing.
I've never heard of a pee deck.
Yeah, there's no pee deck.
Aye.
Yarr.
Aye.
Yarr.
Aye.
Anyways.
I would like to have this drink now, please.
He brings around four, three, sorry, glasses, not glasses, but they're like metal looking
kind of like flagons that are all kind of like dented and dinged up and they've got
like some fish guts kind of like stuck to the bottom of them and he whips out this old
like clay jug and pulls the cork off of it and then he like pours out some grog into
these four cups and it's kind of thick and it's got like a weird yellowish brown hue
to it and some of it spills out on the top of the bar and then he slides you three over
your drinks and he's like, well, I don't know if a shark in a war forge there would drink
old grog, but if they don't sailor man, you're welcome to have it to yourself, I guess.
Aye.
Thank you.
Yes.
I do not require food or drink, but I really appreciate that you have given me something
of yours.
Thank you so much.
You said Shmee can have your food and drink.
Right?
I did not say such things.
Shmee.
I figure like Shmee like sticking up from like behind a bar stool, like can I eat it?
And then the shark just just fucking.
Oh God, what a funny scene.
I know you all are looking to make some gold.
So you know, why else even come to Salt Haven?
Well, being who I am, I do have a few leads, but I got to, but you gotta come spend some
of this gold here at the Empty Net Tavern, you know, whenever you make it.
You savvy.
Help old Perry the pirate out.
How much are we required to spend?
Well, as much as you want to, of course, at least a little bit.
He helps my business go.
I give you the quest, you bring the gold back and spend it, you know, even trade.
Understood.
What were we supposed to roll for gold again?
Oh, so at the beginning, we're all rolling a D6.
If we want to do that now, we can.
Roll one D6.
Help gotta one.
You have one gold.
Yeah.
You guys are pretty fucking broke.
Carwin has two.
Aye, aye, you got five.
Me start with one gold.
He's not doing well.
Yeah, yeah, I just feel like he's been kicking around a town.
He has been he's not doing great these last few years.
He's been trying to get jobs.
Nobody will hire him.
He'll be mucking out stalls.
Nobody pays him afterwards.
The one copper that he has or one gold that he has is already like the most money he's
ever had in his life.
So you're actually finding him at the peak of his his financial stability.
I would like to use perception to see if that coin is just gold painted.
You want to buy my gold coin?
All right, you savvy.
We've got a deal.
So here's what I've heard recently.
Well, you know, this is a tale of tales.
There be an old haunted house around here that sits on the hill here in old salt haven.
The crew around here say it was built back in the old haven days.
Some book read alchemist guy, he lived there.
And now the spirit of his old salty dog still resides there.
Yeah, true.
And a young messenger once emerged from the house with a story of some grand book reading
library containing countless books for, you know, school folk and what have you.
And he thinks that this alchemist has discovered some method of just transforming base metals
into gold.
At least that's the tale.
And it is a crazy story.
You see, in the corner over there, old Jenkins.
Apparently he went there in the search of this old gold machine.
But when he came back, he was never the same.
And I do have some other leads, but y'all don't have a boat, do you?
Not yet.
We're hoping this job pays out good enough for us to be buying a boat.
Well, once you get a good boat, I've got some more leads for you.
But there's an old haunted house that apparently is full of gold.
If you want more info, you can maybe go talk to old man Jenkins, but he's kind of a well,
you'll see.
There is more food.
Well, I do got some food here, shark man, if you're willing to pay.
Of course, I've got mostly fish.
You eat fish, don't you?
So is the food present?
Not currently.
Okay, never mind.
Help eat fish.
There is like fish guts and stuff, though, like on the bar, just kind of like from people
who have eaten fish there before.
Okay, so on that note, help picks up the fish guts, throws it into his mouth, and then leaves
the one gold coin on the bar that walks away.
The one gold that help had.
And Perry's like, all right, what a weird lad.
Hey, Turk, could I do a stealth roll and try to go hidden?
I want to try to steal the gold coin.
Yeah, fuck yeah, you can.
Okay, you can.
Well, Shmi got a 17.
Beardy man say pay for fish.
I'll pay for fish.
You're definitely hidden.
Also as you turn, Carwin, to tell help that he left his coin, you turn back and it's already
gone.
I like to think as Carwin was turning, I just kind of stay behind her.
I picture like you like legit getting on the bar, like as she turns, you're like a little
body is just standing up there and you're sack and you just grab the coin.
So what do you guys do?
Well, Carwin, should we go talk to this Jenkins fellow that is what the old captain said to
do?
I but the old captain did say this man might be a bit of a loony bin.
What do you mean loony bin?
Is he inside a bin?
No, I guess we will be doing the lesson for the day, teaching you what a loony bin may
be.
Yes, my paper is ready.
OK, let's go over and talk to this Jenkins fellow, see what he says.
Understood.
So while Carwin and Cox when go over to wow, that's Carwin and Cox when seriously it's
actually technically pronounced Coxon like so Cox in the sea.
It was spelled with a W. All right.
So while Carwin and Cox and are going over to talk to old man Jenkins, I would like to
know what help and Schmi are doing.
Schmi are doing help walks out of the bar because he's done.
He got his food.
He's just out now.
OK, that's fair.
And he will he will stand outside the bar and wait for everybody else.
So yeah, now that I have the gold coin, I'm going to come out of stealth and just kind
of like come up beside these two as they're they're talking to old man Jenkins and Schmi
is going to walk up to him and he's going to going to like kind of eye old man Jenkins
and then eye the ground and just kind of curse some stuff underneath his breath.
Jenkins thinks he's dressed so nice.
What was that little goblin man?
Are you monitoring things?
Nothing.
Nothing, sir.
This is that old man Jenkins dresses very well.
No, no, no, he doesn't suppose to hear that.
Jenkins are you awake?
He is awake.
So you two walk over.
You see, though, old man Jenkins is very old, very wrinkly.
He's got a very, of course, classic long white beard, but it has like fish guts and bones
and things kind of sticking out of it.
His teeth are very jagged and he is also wearing a burlap sack, much like me.
But it's it's a little bit longer, a little bit newer.
It's a newer burlap sack.
And I have the next step.
Oh, he's showing me up.
Show him this burlap sack.
Look at old man Jenkins sort of eyeball him.
Look back at Schmi.
Schmi gets new cloth boots.
Jenkins gets new cloth boots.
Schmi gets burlap sack.
Jenkins gets better burlap sack every time.
Some kind of like rivalry going on because they're like both of the homeless people of
Salt Haven.
There's like this big rivalry.
Oh, Jenkins gets thrown out.
Schmi gets thrown out.
Jenkins went to the window they said.
Only Schmi fits a window.
Yeah.
As you guys approach, you can see that he's kind of like fiddling with his fingers and
like picking at his nails and chipping at the table in front of him.
Hi, you be old man Jenkins.
Oh, yes, that's me.
Who are you?
Oh, hello.
I'm I'm Cox in the sea.
And this be Schmigel and Carwin Blessed Brew.
Oh, I know Schmigel.
Yes, we've heard.
He always tries to one up me.
Yeah.
Old man Jenkins.
It's a nice burlap sack and then Schmig is a nice burlap sack.
Old man Jenkins wants to fly out window.
I'm not allowed only Schmig gets to fly out the window.
Classic Jenkins every time.
Make it about him, not about Schmigel.
Every time.
Yeah.
Schmigel just kind of walked away in frustration with his arms above his head.
As he does that, I just smash my fist down on the table.
I enough of you two.
We have important business Jenkins.
Pray tell.
Tell us about the gold house and the.
We heard you went in there once and well, what's your tale?
If you've got business, then you definitely come to old man Jenkins because I am the best
businessman in all of Salt Haven.
If if there must be a trade.
Of course, old man Jink has information.
But if you want it, you must trade with old man Jenkins.
You have belt gold.
You have you want to shine old man Jenkins shiny bald head.
I will absolutely shine your bald head.
OK, well, you shine my head and the whole time you shine, I'll tell you the tale.
All right, let me get me buffing boots in my glovey gloves here.
Love the idea of this old like badass pirate.
And he's like, let me get my glovey gloves here.
All right.
All right, here, Jenkins.
All right.
Oh, that's that's good.
Yeah, I like that.
Preparing to write stories.
Oh, OK.
So there I was.
Old man Jenkins.
I wanted some gold.
I knew I heard the tales of the old haunted place.
It's been a long time.
There I was, old man Jenkins, I wanted some gold, I knew I heard the tales of the old
haunted place.
It's been there since before the old Haven days.
It was the first place ever built.
The alchemists live there.
Some say that the alchemist was mad, much like old man Jenkins.
I thought maybe we were had something in common, but I don't know.
So I went there.
I started.
I went inside and I was walking up the stairs of this place after I went all the way up
the trail and I went through the garden and I went up the stairs and then I heard ghastly
shrieks and piercing wails.
So I ran frightened out of my wits, out of my little cloth boots and my burlap sack.
It was scary.
On my way in there I did steal some things from the kitchen before the ghosts came.
This is some good head shining.
I do know where the back door is and I was going to try that instead of the front door.
I can tell you where the back door is if you want.
Also there's a well there as well and I almost fell in it on my way back.
That well sounds mighty dangerous without having warning signs and stuff around it.
I can tell you where the back door is.
I can draw you a map.
I don't know what's going on there, but it's spooky and if the tales be true, anyone would
be able to investigate that place.
Come back a rich man.
I mean, I think it would be safe to assume that if we went to a house, to the front door,
we'd be able to walk around the back, to the back door, yes?
Well you may be under something there.
If you just walk around the house, the back door, yeah, you've got it, sorry.
Thank you for the head shining.
Hihi!
Aye, there you go.
The shiniest head in salt haven now.
Thank you.
Just promise me you'll never shine Smee's head.
Well Smee, you heard the man.
You're never getting your dome shined by me.
Wait, wait, wait.
Johnson you got them to shine your head?
God damn it Smee, my name is Jenkins.
Don't make me come after you.
Mr. Jenkins.
Yes?
Will you please clarify what is piercing whales?
There are actual sea life in the house?
No, nice lady.
Very shiny metal skin by the way, looks great.
There were not whales in the kitchen.
Well there could be, you never know.
The whales, you know, the government's after us.
There could be whales in the house.
What I mean by piercing whales is the screams of something not of this world.
Thank you for your clarification.
You're welcome.
Aye, well then crew, shall we set off?
Conclude our lesson.
Aye, aye, well the lesson shall continue to see what made that man crazy the way he be.
We'll have to find the ghosts, the piercing whales and the gold.
Understood.
You guys stand up together and walk out of the empty net tavern.
But as they get outside, help, where do they find you?
What are you doing out there?
I'm standing just outside the front door.
Okay, you're just standing there like, all right.
Yeah, just standing there staring down the street.
As I exit through the door, I just slap help square on the ass and say, aye lad, are you
ready?
Ready for?
Gold, adventure, perhaps some killing.
We're on a mission.
Killing, meat, food, yes, help ready.
Excellent, excellent.
Schmiegel, you be coming with us?
It's Schmiegel, you gotta say like, gold, but you know, copyright, but you know, yes,
Schmiegel goes with new captain.
Big shock man inspires Schmiegel to be a big goblin.
So you know, let's go.
But I gotta say, Jenkins isn't wrong about that house.
It's haunted as crap.
Aye, well, if we let you lead the way into the house, I think you're-
No, no, no, that's not, that's not what-
I think if we let you go into the house first, that wretched stench that you'd be carrying
might be able to ward off most of the most evil spirits known to man.
Compliments work on Schmiegel, he'll go first.
You really think my smell's wretched?
Thank you.
He kind of like primes himself a little bit, just like grooms his hair back, which is like
three hairs on the top of his head that don't stick.
Schmie smell like something.
Goblins are not on the approved food list.
How, no, how disappointing.
There you forego, you head off together on your first adventure, Coxwayne, the captain
of this party, the human monk, Halp, the sharkfolk, Carwin, the warforged, and your new found
friend Schmiegel the goblin, your new follower per se.
You head off through the town of Saltheaven, and Schmie does know the way.
He's been here for a while, he's heard stories of this haunted old home that sits on the
hill.
You forewalk through the town, past the shops, and you head up the hill.
The road up through the house winds through the rocky coastal terrain, often offering
a view of the sea below.
You could hear the waves crashing, the low clouds press upon you as you walk, occasional
patches of moonlight appear.
A stiff wind blows in off of these waves, carrying in the briny stink of churning salt
water.
This home is located four miles up the coast from Saltheaven and is accessible by this
old road.
Eventually you reach what seems to be the top of this hill.
The decrepit house sits on the highest ground in the area.
Inside it, a stone wall has crumbled in many places, exposing the interior grounds.
An ornate metal gate lies open at the end of the road, swaying slightly in the wind.
Yep, that's the place.
Me kinda looks up towards the grass, past the grass to this creepy house.
Isn't you wanna go in there?
Schmie doesn't even go in there.
Aye, that be the gold in there.
We'll head around back and go to the back door.
Schmie's expert at getting in the back door.
Schmie show you, Schmie show you.
Excellent excellent.
Halp pulls up a handful of grass and eats it.
Nice.
As you four walk through the tall grass around the wall, towards the back of this awful decaying
home sitting on the top of this hill, a family of four giant weasels jump out of the grass.
All four of you to roll me initiative.
You could say what you wanna say as well.
Schmie just immediately recognizes them.
He's like, not again fellas, come on, you already took the last bit of food I have.
The first initiative.
Damn dude, do we?
Yeah, first initiative.
Halp was on that shit.
He rolled 20.
Hell yeah.
Well.
He just sees food coming out of the ground.
Yeah, exactly.
That was gonna be my line.
Halp, there be your food.
Eat away.
But I'm sorry, abstracto, I rolled the 20 as well.
Technically it would be whoever has higher decks than.
Yeah, mine totally is a total of 23.
Mine's not.
And Carwin rolled a whopping four.
The giant weasels got a two, which means that Cox Wayne, your first on the first initiative,
of this campaign.
So the four giant weasels are kind of standing in a spread about five feet apart in this
tall grass.
They're kind of hard to see, but they are large weasels.
So you can clearly see them.
There are four of them.
And again, they're about five feet apart, about 10 feet in front of you.
So what do you do?
Gonna charge in with a with an unarmed attack, but I will specifically use my tavern brawler
strike.
It's a plus five to hit.
I come swinging in hard with an 18 to hit.
18 does it.
That's awesome.
It's a good hit for smacks damage.
Seven max damage.
You jump through the grass and just punch one of these giant weasels in the face as
it jumps out of the glass that you're sending it back down.
Tumbles and rolls through the grass.
Follow that up with my bonus action of a secondary unarmed strike.
To the same weasel.
Oh, I hit the angle.
It looked like it was a frickin 20.
Seven.
Sad.
You try to strike down again with your foot miss as it tumbles through the grass.
It was hard to see.
Help.
What do you do?
Help is going to excitedly try to stab one of the weasels with his trident.
Nice.
While yelling fur food.
Hey, dirty 20.
Nice.
Hey.
Awesome, dude.
Max damage.
Nice.
You swing down your trident into the grass with this nine damage.
You stab straight through one of these giant weasels, killing it.
And then you hold it back up to your face as its body still stuck to your trident draped
bleeding.
Help launches it into his mouth and just immediately starts chewing.
I feel like shulk folks should have like a bonus action to eat or something.
These small little animals.
You don't, you know, but I feel like they should.
Yeah, but whatever.
I feel for the sake of like story that absolutely fucking happens and you can continue to do
that, but I can't like give you sustenance on it.
Like actual games.
Oh yeah.
It was all for aesthetic anyway.
Fuck yeah.
Makes it car when next.
What do you do?
All right.
So I am going to cast lightning lure is one of my cantrips and I create a lash of lightning
energy that strikes at one creature of your choice that I can see within 15 feet.
The target must succeed on a strength saving throw or be pulled 10 feet in a straight line
towards me and then take one D eight lightning damage.
Strength savings.
So it has to be a 13.
It has a plus zero and it got a 14.
So I imagine you just like strike out lightning at the grass and you can't exactly see what
the weasel is.
So you just kind of like hit the grass in a certain place.
Okay.
It's me.
It's your go.
My goblin friend.
What do you do?
He turns around and he's a dapper.
This you do to tell me where you put my food and he's going to run at like the nearest.
I got to use two weapon fighting and attack with my short sword to lead plus five to hit.
So it's a 23.
That's a hit.
Heck yeah.
For cannon reasons.
Where does me keep the short sword?
That's why he wears his underwear on the outside so you can slip his swords down there.
Nobody's got like is it like on his back like magically or like it is.
It is.
He doesn't have no fancy sheath.
Yeah, that's that's seven damage on the short sword hit and then I'm going to follow up
with the dagger attack.
Nice.
Let's do it.
There he is.
And that's 20.
Hey, fuck yeah.
Let's go.
Natty 20.
We did it.
So cool.
And dagger damage of dagger damage of pretty damn good.
Actually, we got an eight for the dagger damage.
So double that 16.
So this one Farage me ran at and attacked and did quite a bit of damage.
Yeah, you absolutely killed the fucking thing.
Do you want to tell us how you did it?
You see him kind of and he runs at this thing and as he's getting there, he trips on a small
pebble in front of him.
But falling down goes to catch his fall with the blade and accidentally entails this thing
in front of him.
And he's like, oh, no, and he kind of gets up and his bonus attack that he had with his
second dagger was him now sticking the sword into the fair to try to get this.
And then he pulls both of full fleets out.
He's like, OK, I didn't even mean to kill it.
He fell down and then tried to get the first one out with the second one.
Love that.
OK, it is the giant weasels turn.
Yes.
There are two of them still alive.
And the one that you punched in the face, Coxon, is going to try to jump back at you
and bite you.
It has a plus five to hit.
Eleven.
That's a 16.
Does that hit you?
That my AC is 16.
So if it lands, it hits.
It's true.
It hits.
That is going to get weasel bit.
One D four plus three.
He's not carrying rabies.
Pierce.
You already got the rabies when you touched old man Jenkins said, I thought that was just
the head herpes in the lights.
God, that is seven damage.
One D four plus three.
The other one sees what you did help to his friend and it also tries to jump at you and
bite you.
It's got a plus five to hit.
That is a 16 as well.
Yeah, that is.
And one D four damage.
That's also maximum seven damage.
Oh, cool.
Now we're back at the top of initiative.
Coxon, it's your go.
What do you do?
Oh, with much anger from being bitten by this absolute disgusting rodent, I go to punch
him in the face again.
The 24 to hit 24 hits.
Oh, yeah, dude.
24 to hit.
Yeah.
And five more damage.
All right.
You kill it.
Do you want to tell us how you punch it to death?
Reach down as it dodges.
I dodge one of its quick little attacks, grab it by the scruff of its neck and just do a
three twist wind up with an uppercut straight to the throat and you hear it go and I drop
it to the ground as it slowly suffocates due to a crushed windpipe.
When I turn to face the other one with a fire in my eye, I charge to give it a good old
swift kick to the chin for an 11.
Eleven misses.
So you run over and try to swing and kick it and you miss the grass.
Kind of pisses you off, but that makes it helps turn.
You see all these dead giant weasels all over the ground help, but there is one that is
still alive.
What do you do?
I'm going to stab it with my trident again.
Fuck yeah.
Oh, a 10.
You miss.
Got a 10.
Stabbing through the grass angrily with the smell of blood hitting you in the face from
all these fucking weasels.
You're like, ah, miss.
That makes it Carwin's turn.
Carwin.
Carwin with her gorgeous staff of adornment that has its very gorgeous three gems floating
shall go a whack-a-mole on the last remaining head.
That is a 10 plus two, a 12.
It's a 12.
Does that hit?
A 12 misses.
You swing around in the grass as well.
Missing.
Well, that makes it Smee's turn.
Smee, what do?
Smee looks around and he goes, if you won't tell me where money is, Smee, Smee take you
and sell you for money.
He kind of looks to the other party, goes Smee's just going to eat it.
He can't afford to sell it for money.
He just fires his short bow at this thing.
I don't know why, but I picture a little Smee jumping in and out of the tall grass with
the giant weasels.
I'm like, yeah, I'm going to break.
Yeah.
Oh, I got a one.
Oh, Natty won.
First Natty won of the season, everybody.
From a 20 to a one.
Oh, gosh.
Classic Nate.
Smee, I'm sorry, but roll me a D4.
In all the hustle and bustle, you shoot yourself in the foot.
No.
You take two damage.
So yeah, like you say, jumping in and out of the grass.
What happens?
Jumping in and out of the grass, trying to fire his bow at the same time, shoots himself
in the foot.
Nice Smee, we'll be having to talk to you about your release technique after we do this.
You just, I picture you hear Smee, like he's kind of like jumping up and down, trying to
get like putting his tongue out of his mouth, trying to aim at this thing, kind of squinting
one eye in the sunlight.
And then just as he like goes to fire, he's like all bright out because he thinks he's
got it.
He lands and you just hear.
From the tall grass, you can't see anything.
Okay, this is the giant weasel's turn.
It being its turn, it sees that its whole family has just died around him.
It's going in the tall grass, going to try to run away from you guys.
Now there are two of you that are currently.
Attack of opportunity.
Yeah, actually, there's three of you all standing around this fucking thing.
So if each one of you want to make a tack of opportunity, you can, but it's going to
try to run away.
Yes please.
And the tall grass.
Poor weasel.
All right.
Seven.
Karwin, you miss.
I know, man.
I will use my quarter staff in this case.
Help, you miss with the seven as well.
Eighteen.
Hey, Cox Whitten with the quarter staff.
Eighteen hits.
Heck yeah, dude.
I shall make this a versatile attack.
And I shall whack the shit out of this little motherfucker.
It's so close.
It's so close to death.
You hit it on the top of the head and it squeaks as it fucking limps away and through the grass.
It squeaks.
But it does indeed get away.
Initiative is over.
You four have managed to kill three of these weasels.
You now stand in the tall grass about 30 feet from what you perceive to be the back door
of this old squeaky house.
What do you guys do?
I don't know about the rest of ye, but perhaps a quick little rest to heal up might be a
good order to do.
We can take a short rest if you guys have any kind of rations or anything like that.
We could utilize those.
Absolutively.
Is that what you guys want to do?
Can help get sustenance from the weasel he's sitting here chewing on?
Yeah, fuck yeah.
Why not?
I'm down.
You guys hear from the grass.
Can someone help Shme?
Where are ye?
Put your hand up.
Follow my voice.
Shme's over here.
I start making my route over to the sound of his voice.
Hey!
I'm just gonna grab him by the shoulders for a quick little lift up.
Aye, I'll be your foot now.
Shme's okay.
He would have done that a little different, but thank you, Captain.
You guys all sit down on the side of this house during the clouds coming in, lightning's
coming in.
It's starting to even sprinkle a little bit.
You're sitting on the hill of this house as you could hear the clouds hitting the side
of the hill.
You all sit down on what you find to be rocks and stumps, maybe even some old things left
around from the old gardening days of this luscious unkempt garden.
My question is, during this short rest you guys are officially taking, are you making
a fire?
Is there anything you guys want to be doing during this short rest?
Because you are allowed to pull out some wood carving tools or anything small like that
during this short rest.
We're gonna call it about 30 minutes.
Is there anything you want to be doing?
Can Shme eat a raw giant weasel?
If Shme wants to, but he's gonna have to talk to Halp because Halp was eyeballing him.
Shme take the back half, you take the front half.
Shme only needs legs and body, that's too full for Shme.
Halp bites right into the midsection of the weasel and then tearing off the front half
and continues nom nom nom.
Sharing a weasel, very good.
So the way that the short rests work, which we don't really utilize a lot, even during
Drunks and Dragons, we've always just done long rests.
We don't do short rests really rarely ever.
So I looked it up.
The way that this works is you guys can spend one or more of your hit dice at the end of
a short rest up to your maximum number of hit dice.
But you only get that maximum number of hit dice per long rest, right?
So per day.
So, and you're allowed to roll one and then if you want to roll another, if you don't
get a high enough number, you can.
And you can continuously spend, but once you're out, you're out.
So how many hit dice you guys rolling, go on ahead and roll them and then just let us
know what the numbers are, how much you're healing.
Oh, and I didn't give you a second to say, Coxwin, is there anything you're doing during
the short rest?
Ah, yes.
I'll be playing my pan flute to try and cheer up the party.
Question.
Did Old Man Jenkins give us a map?
No, you guys.
Instead you said, well, we can just go around to the back door.
So he went, all right, sure.
You did not get a map.
No.
Well, I feel like because there was a mention of a map and there wasn't a map produced that
Carwin is probably using her cartographers tools to jot down a little map of how to get
here and charts where the little weasels were on the map.
She just doodles, but she's using her official cartographers tools to do so.
Nice.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
I love the scene too.
I'm picturing the scene in my head.
There's a little campfire and then you guys are sitting on rocks and we've got our shark
guy and our goblin sharing a weasel they're eating together.
Then Coxwin's playing a pan flute and then, of course, Carwin the Warforge is drawing
a map and you guys are all sitting together.
If the fire was animated, I would use that as a fucking phone background or something.
It's just amazing visual, especially because there's this haunted ass house just right
next to you guys.
Right there.
Yeah.
Hanging out.
Love that.
Okay.
I love that visual.
I love every bit of it.
You guys do that and you can go on ahead and roll your heel dice.
That's it.
Help got a nine.
Nice.
Do you got a D10 for hit dice?
It's a D10 plus three.
Oh man.
You get hit dice plus constitution.
Yes.
I was full health.
I do not need to use my hit dice.
Except for the damage you took for shooting yourself in the foot.
I do have two damage down.
Remember that whole argument that got cut out?
Dude, we've really cut it out, didn't we?
Shit.
It's crazy.
And I do think though, Carwin didn't take any damage.
You dodged the first window attack as well.
You didn't take any damage from the weasels.
You're totally good.
Cool.
So everyone's rolled their hit dice.
Are you going to roll your hit dice?
Shmee?
I keep saying with an H.
April 11, nine there?
There's no fucking H.
Fuck, there's like nines all around.
Hell yeah.
Next to this haunted house on the hill, you four sit together around a fire, healing up
and resting from this crazy battle with these giant weasels that you just had.
You eat your food, you play your pan flute, and you draw yourself a map, thinking about
what is going to be on the inside of this hall.
You guys rest, thinking, contemplating, together.
And now time for some bloopers.
You contest the deception check, then obviously you don't fall for it.
I think.
What is the point of this is my question.
I think we just gotta get that on right.
You're going to cut all of this.
Probably.
Yes, yeah, probably.
I am, yeah.
It's pointless.
It's completely pointless.
Do it.
Because there's not even any free percussion.
Yeah.
There's no stakes.
I just wanted to use the line, you don't need to lie to kick it.
Okay.
That being said.
I will go for that.
That's reset.
Okay.
We'll catch you next time on the Grouch Couch Cast.