We return now to our story with you four sitting around a campfire next to this haunted house
as the rain falls from the sky, slowly starting to sprinkle.
You guys clean up and wrap up your campsite and now you stand about 10 feet from the stairs
to go up into the back door of this haunted home.
I put my hair up in a battle bun because I think that's maybe why everybody got hurt
last time.
All right.
I don't know.
You know, I was taught by the goblin to always have, be prepared for whatever you think is
going to come.
So I put my hair up in a battle bun.
Wait, you learned from Shmee?
Shmee Teach?
You owe Shmee gold.
That was not, that not free.
I don't know what I learned from you, Shmee, but I have a friend that's a goblin, which
I completely say in goblin.
I don't know what that actually sounds like, but can, can we hear your best goblin, Odie?
As a robot as well.
Oh my God.
Um, no, I have no idea.
I don't blame you.
That's hard.
Ick, knock, look, like a bleak blook.
Doodoo.
Yes.
We understood every word.
The new four approach the back door.
You're standing on a small little above the ground, kind of like porch.
The wood is decaying and falling apart, cracked and broken in most places.
The door in front of you is a normal wooden home door.
Yar, I'd like to kick the door in and enter like a superhero.
Actually?
Actually, yes.
Okay, well, I guess first roll the ninth and roll me a strength save to kick this door
in.
Trap, shmash.
Yar, that be a 19.
With a swift kick and a turny twist, I boot the door so hard it flies off his hinges and
I take a step in with a manly pose.
Hell yeah.
Why is man describing his actions?
Yeah, we figured out that I do not have an inner monologue.
Cause that's not actually what happens.
But you say that, you say that, but that's not what actually happens.
The pirate with no inner monologue.
Christ.
I can't.
Yar, you're going to have to because this is going to be very long season if you can't.
Lordy, lordy, lordy, give me strength.
Let's go.
You kick the door hard and it flies and swings from the hinges, hitting the door on the inside.
The door opens, but nothing spectacular really happens.
You see the front door opens to a musty, dirty entrance hall.
You step inside and to your left a corridor leads into the west wing of the home.
The walls are bare and bits of smashed furniture lie upon the floor and rotting wood from the
ceiling that has fallen down.
Ahead of you, another corridor leads towards the rear or the front of the house.
A staircase on the eastern wall to your left climbs up to the next story, reaching it at
a balcony that overlooks the front entrance hall along its north and west sides.
The stairs appear to be safe enough to climb, though the balcony rail is broken in several
places and under the stairs, the north into the hall, a third corridor leads to the east.
You guys can go forward, left, right or up the stairs.
Visual picture question.
Left goes to the west wing?
Front.
Yeah, left goes to the west wing of the house.
Help wants to take a bite out of the door.
Help, doors are not on the approved food list.
He tries to bite the fucking door.
If you actually want to take a bite out of the door, you can roll me a strength save
as well.
Damn.
That's a 12.
You definitely take a whole bite out of the door.
Nom nom, good fiber.
Even though Carwin said it's not on the approved list of foods.
Yar, the real question is, is where are you getting this approved list of foods from anyhow?
From the things you have told him not to eat since we met.
You got me there.
Would you like me to move wood to the approved list?
Well, let's ask help there.
Help, was that a mighty fine tasty dish you just had there?
Help, like door, seasoned.
Yar, let's update the list into sin.
Add a seasoned wood to an approved list of helps food.
Adding seasoned wood to approved food list.
Yar.
Okay, I swear to God, I was talking to Odie a couple days ago.
I'm probably going to leave this in the podcast, so whatever.
I was talking to Odie a couple days ago and she actually said that she has been writing
down these approved foods and disapproved foods.
Like in a physical list she actually has.
How fucking great is that?
We're going to have to publish that somewhere.
Oh yeah.
Okay, well you guys still stand in this entryway to this home.
What do you guys do?
Shmi, you got any ideas?
Yeah, Shmi, to backtrack a few interactions ago, Shmi was terrified of this place to begin
with, so when you guys had originally kicked the door in he would have started freaking
the heck out.
Shmi's kind of in mid panic, kind of dancing almost like he really has to pee, but it's
mostly fear.
He looks to the captain when he kicked the door open.
He was like, you kicked the door, you kicked the door, and he immediately kind of looks
to the ceiling in terror, expecting the whole place to collapse on him.
By the time the shark took a bite out of the door he's pretty much almost ready to faint.
And he's just like, no house, not Shmi, Shmi, no, no Shmi, he didn't do this, nope, nope,
it's okay.
And Shmi's just kind of walking in circles while looking at the ceiling and trying to
calm the house.
You're like, it's not me house, I'm not doing anything wrong to you.
Shmi didn't do it, no, no, Shmi didn't kick the door, Shmi didn't bite the door.
Like the fucking house is his own entity.
He's terrified of it, he's lived in this place the whole time, he'll never enter this house,
he didn't want to go here in the first place.
So I feel like he's absolutely like mind-blowingly terrified as a level one goblin.
Hal thinks that Shmi is confused on who bit the door, so he taps Shmi on the shoulder
and then taps his own chest and says, how bite door?
He's like, see, see, don't you was not Shmi.
And he kind of just like walks away from Halpa like still like throwing his hands in the
air and just rambling and mambling on.
So in light of Shmeagle not exactly wanting to come in with us, I'm just going to grab
him by the scruff of his burlap sack armor.
Now, now, now, now.
And just be like, Yar, you be coming in with us, whether you like it or not.
He said he'd come, but Shmi just wanted house to know it wasn't him house, wasn't Shmi.
Yes, Captain, I go where I go or you go.
Good.
I want to say that when you say it wasn't a house, we didn't do it.
The house kind of shifts a little bit in the rain and the mud and like creaks and you feel
like it was responding to you, even though it was not.
Captain, we should make this quick.
You know, in and out that way Shmi lives.
Yes, indeed.
I'm just holding him up eye level to me, shaking my head.
I'm going to just place him down gently.
Yar, after you Shmi, after you.
You want Shmi go first?
Aye, yes.
We'll show you that this house not be as scary as you make it out to be.
Or it is and well, the ghost get you first.
Shmi kind of like nervously kind of creeps forward while looking left and right at all
times like the walls are ready to jump on him.
Shmi, since you are so heavily looking at everything, scared out of your wits, will
you roll me a investigation or a survival check?
Whichever one's better for you.
Well, they're both negative ones, so let's give it a go.
Roll a 14.
Hey, OK.
Not bad.
As you are sneaking along, looking left and right, scared out of your wits, you find two
sets of recently made humanoid tracks.
You can see them further in the house.
You could see they're like kind of like muddy footprints that kind of separate the dust
on the ground.
One of the sets of tracks travels from this back entryway toward.
Straightforward and the second one leads away from the stairs towards the west to the left.
Shmi would have noticed these footprints and notice that their footprints, but not with
his aid in intelligence and aid in wisdom.
I feel like he's not put together what these are from, so he immediately just starts freaking
out going, Ghost Prince, Ghost Prince, Captain, Captain Ghosts, Ghosts.
And he just like pointing towards the footprints to show the other guys.
Yar, you do realize that ghosts don't need footprints, right?
Oh, yeah, you say that Shmi now, then wait, you wait.
Yar, do we really need to bring this one with us?
He seems to be more of a scaredy cat than a dirty goblin.
What would help roll on whether or not he would understand if ghosts had footprints
or not?
Wisdom, I guess.
Probably just an intelligence.
Insight.
Intelligence save, I think it would just be like a general intelligence.
He's trying to see whose side you're going to take on this conversation.
I was trying to see whether or not he was going to attack the footprints.
Okay, I got a 15 on that.
It's not too bad.
So he would know that the footprints aren't from ghosts, right?
Yeah, I think so.
So footprints that lead straight ahead up the hallway and there are footprints that lead
to the left, to the west, down another hallway.
Well, seems we have two choices to make.
And I think since me is the first one to go in, Smee, would you like to make a decision
on which ones to follow?
Neither, Captain, neither.
No, no, Shmi, no follow either.
You go home.
I'm going to pick him up again.
Shmi, I didn't say neither.
You choose one or the other.
Third, not being an option of neither.
A or B, one or two.
Robot Lady, which one won't Shmi die on?
Carwin does not have those statistics.
It is an invalid question for Carwin.
Left Captain, we go left.
Yar.
Let's go left then.
No right.
No.
Help puts a hand on Shmi's shoulder again and leans down and tells him you hide in out
mouth if scared.
Shmi kind of looks at this terrifying ma and look at the door back in the hallway and goes
Shmi not so scared.
We go left.
Left it is then.
It's like I caught your back.
You trust help.
Oh yeah.
Okay.
You guys head left down a smaller hallway.
You can see at the very end of this hallway, it kind of leads into an open living area.
But before you get there, you pass by a door on the left and a door on the right that lead
into rooms in this home.
As you're walking up the hallway past them, is there anything you want to do?
I would think help is going to just be actively sniffing for food.
So maybe roll a, should I roll a perception?
Yeah totally.
Let's do it.
Roll a 12.
Okay.
You smell.
Do you have advantage on smell stuff?
I don't know.
As a shark person, do you have advantage on smell perception?
It doesn't actively say I do.
You do have advantage against nature checks to recall against fae, fiends or undead.
With your 12, you're smelling up the hallway as you guys walk.
You can smell that the room to the left kind of smells like old books.
The door to the left from the inside.
It kind of smells like old books.
And the room to the right also kind of smells like old books and kind of like wood.
But that you don't smell any food in this direction.
Offly bold of you to assume what he thinks is food.
Yeah true.
Very true.
Books is food.
No, not on your approved list of eating.
Yeah I already know how that conversation is going to go.
Alright.
Yeah anyone else want to do anything while you're going up the hallway?
There are two doors.
You guys could just pass by them.
No problemo.
Yeah I would like to take a look through the door on the right.
You open and crack the door on the right.
As you look inside you could tell that this room was once a writing room or study.
You could see that against the wall under the windows sits a large wooden writing desk.
Partially broken and riddled with damp rot.
There are drawers in the desk that you can see and you can see that most of them are
closed and others are open.
Some of them even look like they have been broken or forcibly open and thrown across
the room as there is a scatter of damp wet papers on the ground.
I would like to investigate the unopened drawers please.
Okay.
Roll me an investigation.
As you get closer you can see that the central drawer is locked and the other drawers can
easily be opened but as you open them there really isn't anything in there of value.
Clumps of dirt, some old papers, stuff like that.
How dare you assume that a clump of dirt might not be a profitable clump of dirt?
You got a four on your investigation.
So you can also see that some of the things on the drawers are like receipts for purchases
of various chemicals and laboratory equipment.
And all of it is written in common so it's easily readable to you.
And the drawer in the center is locked.
Can I just smash the drawer open and get to the good contents?
You know I don't see why not.
That's what you want to do.
Excellent.
It's a 12.
Alright, it is an old damp desk so it takes you a little while.
But you stand there making all kinds of noise smashing into this thing.
Are you using a sword or anything like that?
I know I'm just using my fists.
Just slamming your fists on the top of this desk and it's taking you a little while.
Punch in the wood.
Just over and over.
Making all kinds of noise.
And as you punch it dust and things fall from the ceiling.
And your three friends in the back kind of like sitting there staring at you.
But eventually you punch through the top of the desk and there you get a hole down into
the central compartment of this desk.
Wasn't Schmi.
Desk was fine before Schmi got here.
It wasn't Schmi.
He was not doing it.
He's not the one.
Schmi, get back in here.
You have little hand Schmi.
Why don't you reach in there and see what you can pull out.
Schmi takes it that Schmi's.
Alright you reach your little hand in there Schmi.
And inside your hand grips around a piece of cloth with something on the inside.
You pull out the piece of cloth and unravel it.
And inside of this piece of cloth is a glass vial containing what look to be two doses
of a potion of healing.
And I don't know Schmi if you would know that this is a potion of healing.
But I do know that Carwin does.
Being your intelligence score I don't know if you would know what is inside of this vial.
Schmi likes red shiny vials.
Either way it's all good.
Schmi I do not believe you require those potions at this time.
What do you mean Schmi got ghost blood?
He's safe from ghosts now.
Those potions are to increase your healing.
No no no.
In a short amount of time.
You mean ghost angry at Schmisdale?
There is not enough data to determine this.
Yeah just take them.
Take them.
Thank you for donating to Carwin Blessed Brew.
Data is information in number form.
Number is food?
Number is how many fish you have at this time.
How many do you have?
Help don't know.
Do you have fish?
What is happening?
Fish in belly.
Help don't know if still there.
Help has zero fish in his hand.
Today we bring you D&D math.
Just for the kids.
For the kid viewers.
The more you know.
Okay you guys step back out of this study into the hallway.
Let's take a look at the other room as well.
You open the door and it squeaks real loud.
And as you look into the room you can tell that this room was probably once a library.
It has bookshelves around the walls.
Most of the shelves are broken though.
And in many places they have come away from the wall.
The few shelves still intact are pretty much empty.
But there is a pile of books in the southwest corner of this room.
Carwin's going to walk over the books and try to figure out what the titles are of those
books.
You pick up one of them.
And one of them says the magical properties of gemstones by the archmage tensor.
You pick up another one and it says the magical properties of herbs and flowers by the archmage
tensor.
You pick up a third book and it says the metaphysics of mathematics by mage nistel.
That is what is actually in the notes.
So the whole math bit I didn't.
Sweet.
I put all of those in my sack.
Do you open any of the books?
I think she understands that we are attempting to try to get things done.
Kind of hoard information and be able to supply it at any time.
Because that is how she feels like her function is.
To be the information giver.
So I think she really just literally thinks the titles are interesting and throws them
in her backpack.
Hell yeah.
In total.
Yeah, Help would like to pick up a book.
You don't know numbers.
But there are about 14 books in the heap of untitledly thrown books into the corner.
Most of them are covered with cobwebs, vermin droppings, and harmless mold.
Almost all of them, except the ones that Carwin picked up, are pretty much ruined and not
even legible.
But you can totally pick up a book.
If you want, you can tell that a book you pick up is either a history book, a collection
of a romantic poem, or a book on gardening.
But all of the insides aren't really legible.
I'm going to pick up a gardening book.
And then Help's going to see what he believes is food on the book and then eat it.
Nom nom nom.
Aye.
Well, I mean, it's a book about food.
So I mean, he is, you know, by all means, he's certainly not wrong.
I mean, he's not right in this case, but.
You people talk too much.
It's always books, books, do this, shme scared.
We gotta go.
Shmee.
It will be OK.
It's OK if you're scared.
Just you know.
Don't worry about it for now.
Shmee will be over here terrified.
You come get Shmee about an hour later when you're done with book talk.
As he starts to walk away, I'm just going to grab him by the scruff of his collar again
and lift him up off the ground.
You see, the thing with Help is, is, you know, he just sees food and he just wants to eat
it.
So let him have this one there, Carwin.
Let him let him feel like he's accomplished something this time.
Excellent.
Adding ruined books to approved food list.
Close enough, close enough.
OK.
As you four are saying this, you step back out into the hallway.
You continue following the muddy footprints out into an open, what seems to be a living
area.
A door in the north wall leads onto what looks like a patio.
The door is kind of fallen off the hinges so you can see straight through it.
On the small patio, you can see that the pavement is cracked and overrun with weeds.
And in this room, other than a pile of what seems to be refuge in the southeast corner,
this room is fairly bare.
But you follow these footprints into this room.
The weeds are all kind of scattered all about.
But if someone wants to roll me a survival check, they might be able to see where these
footprints lead.
Ah, I roll the 10.
Help roll to 13.
Can I have advantage on survival?
Yeah, Help gets it.
With your 13, oddly enough, you are the one that follows the footprints correctly.
You follow these tracks over to what looks to be a trap door in the ground.
And it is immediately noticeable because the tracks go right up to it.
Help turns in the direction of his companions.
Help find door.
Yeah, good job, Help.
Let's get her open and continue on.
Okay, so Help's gonna grab the door and try to rip it off.
Fuck yeah, roll me Strength.
Roll to 16.
16, fuck yeah.
Okay, but as you grab onto the door, a message is spoken aloud in a crazed, male violent
voice.
And as you rip the door off of the hinges, it seems as if this voice booms at all of
them.
And it says, Welcome, fools.
Welcome to your deaths.
And then it fades off.
No, no, no.
I need each one of you to make me a DC-12 wisdom saving throw.
Oh goody.
That's a 4 plus 0.
Help rolled a 1.
Help got a 2 minus 1, that's a 1.
Okay, you all fail.
Carwin got a 4, Coxwin got an 11, Smee got an 11.
Okay, all of you are now, unless you're immune to the frightened condition, which I don't
know if any of you are, all of you are going to have disadvantage on all ability checks
for the next hour because you are now frightened.
And if you remind me, you can try to overcome this frightened condition and repeat the saving
throw every 15 minutes.
You, uh, captain there, you notice that Smee's front side is a little damper than normal.
Yar, I could hear the dripping all the way to the ground.
I told you.
Smee told you.
Smee said you upset house.
Smee told you house.
It wasn't Smee.
It wasn't.
Yar, I mean, it might have not still been the house there, Smee.
You know, somebody could have put a bit of a spell or a hex on the door.
You don't sound very scared, Captain.
The truth can still be kind of frightening.
Nonetheless, nonetheless.
I mean, you sound very logical headed for this situation and being frightened.
That's all, you know.
Okay, so there is a bunch of house still behind you to be explored if you want, or you can
climb down these rickety stairs in front of you down this trap door.
Help is going to attack the trap door he's still holding because he thinks that's where
the voice came from.
Okay.
You don't have to roll for that.
You just kind of you could just.
Okay, I figured I did.
Yeah.
He's like, ah, fuck this damn door.
Yeah.
Help beat voice.
Yay.
Good job, Help.
Not sure if it did anything, though.
Shall we press on there, folks?
Now we leave.
Now.
You people are crazy.
Now, now.
Help's going to start going down the trap door.
As you, Help, climb down into this trap door area, you see some things, but I don't want
to explain them until everyone else climbs down the trap door area.
But you three standing atop, see Help fearlessly climb down the stairs to the darkness below.
I'm gonna yell down to Help.
Your help.
Catch the runt.
Hang as I drop me down to down to help.
Nate, are you gonna allow him to grab you up?
No, I've been holding on to him since the last room.
Oh, I mean, technically, technically, he did.
Yeah.
I mean, I do have right now I do have the ability to kind of shake you off, which I
can do.
So if you're gonna try to kill me, then yeah, I'm gonna try to contest against this.
He's not well, trying to kill you.
He might think that he was exactly what I see is terrified right now.
You're about to try to get stabbed in the neck.
She's like, you're gonna kill me.
Throw me down the dark hole.
Yeah, yeah.
So yeah, for sure.
I'm gonna try to contest this.
Can I contest with that acrobatics?
Yeah, absolutely.
With my because I'm a monk with my grant, my grapple goes under dexterity.
And now are we since we're under fear, do we not have to be doing this both at disadvantage?
Yes, yes, you do.
Thank you for reminding me.
15 and four.
Oh, he makes it to your disadvantage.
Six.
As you try to throw me over your head into the dark hole, he kind of wraps around your
head and scrambles up over the top and then jumps off it like a cat and lands behind you
a good 10, 15 feet.
He says, knock after you, Captain.
I don't want to take away the honor of you being the hero.
Yeah, I see.
Now, it's me.
It's be OK if you're scared, Captain.
I mean, by the rules, you're also terrified right now, too.
You know, we're all scared.
We failed our wisdom.
So I know.
But you don't actually have to still act scared there.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, acting.
Yes, what's he doing?
I'm just going to go ahead and jump down the down through the hole for clarification.
You see, was there a ladder going down or is it just a hole we're jumping into?
It's like some rickety stairs that kind of go down.
I do have 60 feet of dark vision.
Can I see down it?
Yeah, totally.
The bottom.
Yeah.
There's like a stone down there at the bottom of the stairs.
Like this is probably a cellar at one point.
And it looks like actually there's a little bit of candlelight down there as well.
And you can see help and the captain kind of step off the stairs into the cellar.
But you can't see past where the roof kind of hangs over the stairs.
Me seeing the candlelight and seeing these two, he kind of looks back to Carmen.
He goes ghostly candle and base, but it's a trap.
We got to stop them.
And he kind of like starts to like shuffle after them and kind of trips over his burlap
sack and then gets back up and then runs down the steps.
He's like, Captain, Captain.
Well, this strange feeling of fear is really, really strange and unusual to her.
So she kind of follows them, but very almost distracted because she does not understand
this feeling at all.
They creak on your way down.
You reach the bottom.
All four of you stand in a line.
You see that this place opens up into a very large area and this torch lit chamber, because
it is kind of lit up once you actually get down here and your eyes adjust.
This torch lit chamber looks like it was once a very large cellar, but it since has been
converted into what looks like living quarters.
You can see there are 10 crude beds and they all stand along the south wall, each with
a wooden locker at its foot.
A long wooden trestle table rigged by rickety stools dominates the center of the room.
There is metal cutlery cups and dirty plates.
They all sit atop of the wooden table.
You could see a cook stove is installed near the table and evidence of recently cooked
meals sits atop it.
A large ham hangs from a loop of twine near the stove.
As you guys step into this room, a bandit and what looks to be a scout step out from
behind a wall on the other side of this room.
They are about 35 feet away from you guys on the far side.
As you step out, one of them yells out.
He's like, oh yeah, we heard you up there making all that noise.
Who do you think you are trespassing?
They ready their weapons.
Everybody roll me initiative.
There you go.
Help rolled of 19 plus one.
Uh, I have a five plus three.
So an eight, I'm going to do this thing.
I got a nat 20.
Hey, him, dude.
Good roll, Nate.
Hell yeah, dude.
I'm from practicing.
All right, the bandit got a 16 and the scout got an eight.
Shmee, you were you were saying something as you were walking down the stairs.
Well, guess what?
It's your turn.
So what happens?
Yeah.
As Shmee comes down the steps, we're yelling, Gatton, go stand Bush, go stamp.
He kind of like trips and falls a little bit and lands behind these guys.
But the momentum kind of flings him off and in front of the first bandit.
And he looks up, he says, you're not ghost.
35 feet across the room from you.
So it really doesn't work.
Okay.
All right.
Well, that's fair.
Okay.
So if they're 35 feet away, I'll just come down smack on the back of the shark guy, look
over, say the same thing and shoot an arrow at the bandit number one.
What weapons did you say they were holding again?
One of them has a scimitar and the other one has a longbow.
I'm going to target the guy with the longbow.
So I will roll with my shortbow to hit with a 21 to hit.
That hits.
Go for my damage.
So Shmee loses an arrow hitting with a total damage of four.
And I'm going to use my fury at a small trait.
And I'm going to expend that dealing an extra one damage to the longbow guy.
Okay.
That's awesome.
It's a total of five.
All right.
So yeah, after that, Shmee is just going to kind of move himself up kind of on the steps
a little bit, a little bit.
Can I use the wall as cover a bit?
Okay.
Just kind of put myself aside.
Should I kind of like back up towards the steps?
Yeah.
I figured he's small.
He can kind of like lay down on the step almost and kind of poke his head through and shoot
the, you know.
Yeah, totally.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Okay.
So the arrow goes flying across the room and hits him in the chest and he's like, you trespass
on our land and then you attack me.
He's fucking pissed.
Help.
It's your go.
So help is going to growl very loudly.
I want to do one of my blood curse things, but I'm not entirely sure how this works.
One D four hemocraft die.
Yeah.
So you take one D four points of necrotic damage and then you get to do as a bonus action,
you can mark a creature that you see within 30 feet of you until the end of your turn.
Whenever you hit the curse creature with a weapon for which you have an active crimson
right, you roll an additional hemocraft die when determining the extra damage from the
right.
Okay.
So what helps going to do is helps going to take his trident and cut it on his chest a
little bit.
Do I roll the one D four for that?
Yeah, totally.
I rolled a one.
Awesome.
Shit.
That's awesome.
Fuck yeah.
And I'm going to, and you said there's two bandits, actually the opposite one that Shmee
shot at.
I'm going to mark him with the blood curse of the marked.
Yeah.
And then I'm going to chuck my trident at him.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Long range trident.
It's bad ass.
I rolled an eight.
Damn.
Well, Nate's going to miss.
Right.
So you do this like bad ass, you cut your chest, you take your damage and then you just
fucking chuck that shit across the room and it just hits the wall next to the other bandit.
He's like, totally misses.
Now it's the bandits turn.
He sees you guys.
You just came down into his cellar.
He's pissed off.
He runs, slides on the table in front, knocking some stuff off and then he lunges out at car
win with his scimitar.
I got a 14.
Does that hit you?
No, I'm AC 15.
He's like, ah, shit.
Now it's your turn.
Car win.
What do you do?
Sweet.
Um, I use my bonus action first to cast booming blade.
Then I attack him with my, um, staff of adornment because I haven't had a bonus action yet to
do my super secret thing.
Well that is an 11 plus two is 13.
13 hits the one right in front of you.
Correct?
Yes.
Nice.
Let's do it.
Only some damage.
Five damage.
And then if he moves, let me know.
Okay.
All right.
It's a booming blade.
You swing your staff.
Where do you hit him?
Yeah.
I just reach up and like literally conk him on the head.
He's like, well, that's what's worked before.
All right.
That's fair.
All right.
It's the one with the long bows turn now.
It wants to shoot back at Shmi to try to get Shmi hidden in between the stairs.
He can't really see and he's like, shit.
So he turns and fires the Cox one instead.
I can't see me.
That was a 22.
Oh that definitely hits for three damage.
Comes flying across the room and hits you.
Now it's Cox's turn.
I'm going to glance over towards the one with the long bow and I'm going to throw a dart
aiming for his eyeball.
Throw a fucking dart for a dirty 20.
Nice, dude.
Hell yeah.
And this was the damage.
The one far away.
One with the long bow.
Yeah.
It flies across the room right in the eye.
Scouts like.
Now it's Shmi's turn.
Shmi looks around confused at the voice above him.
He goes, Shmi's turn.
Whatever.
Captain, are you OK?
And then he just kind of like as he's saying that accidentally, let's go with the other
arrow that he's knocked and it flies towards the long bowman.
I feel like he kind of surprised himself.
He's like, ah, he fires it.
Does a 10 hit?
It does not.
Does not.
And then panicked fire betrays him.
That really works.
So weird.
Does that take a panic fire anywhere?
Nice.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, there's not much else I could do.
I feel pretty safe on the steps.
So yeah, it'll end.
Help.
It's your go.
What do?
Help is going to roar and lunge for the bandit that he threw his trident at.
Fuck yeah.
I'm close enough to get to him, though.
So the one you actually threw your trident at is now standing right next to you.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
And yeah, I'm going to lunge at him and then I'm going to attempt to bite.
Yeah, let's do it.
A 13.
A 13 definitely hits.
OK.
I was going to say you had the potential to kill him in one hit, but yeah.
I got a five and a one.
OK.
You lunge out and bite him.
Where do you bite him?
Aiming for the throat.
You definitely bite, but it's like the shoulder kind of like area.
You like clamp on and all this blood kind of like squirts out on you.
And like all on the ground.
A little bit gets on Carwin and Captain, they're standing right there.
It's like.
And you just take a big old fucking chunk out of the side.
And he yells out like, oh shit.
Now it's his turn.
He's just going to turn and swing his scimitar right at you.
That is a 22.
Yeah, that definitely hits me.
For three damage, he's like, ah shit.
Now it's Carwin.
So I have advantage because flanking.
OK, so I'm going to bonus action, deploy my dagger arm blade and then I'm going to stab
him.
Does a 21 hit?
Yes, it does.
Absolutely.
For three damage.
That's not enough to kill him, but you absolutely stab him.
You extend this secret blade that no one else has seen before.
Just out of nowhere, blade comes out of your arm.
You just stab him with it.
It's now the Scouts turn on the other side of the room.
The Scout moves a little to the left, kind of hiding behind the stove and the ham hanging
from the ceiling.
And lets out another arrow as the Scout yells, don't kill my friend.
And lets out an arrow at help for 13.
13 hits.
All right.
For three more damage.
Tis but a scratch.
That's right.
Coxen.
I'm going to use the dash action to charge up to the longbow guy and smash him in the
head with my quarterstaff.
Okay, so dash takes up your action for the turn.
But oh yeah, then you don't have to dash necessarily.
If you're using your staff, that thing has a range on it, right?
I think if at least five feet, five feet, so you could hit him, you'll be perfect.
Oh, okay.
Perfect.
Yeah, then I will.
I will do that and go smackity smack.
Don't talk for 21.
21 hits.
Hell yeah.
For another six damage.
Oh, fuck yeah.
You.
Kill him.
I guess I finally knocked some sense into him.
Where do you hit him at?
As I run up the 30 feet to meet him eye to eye, I thrust out with a straight shot of
my quarterstaff, catching him right between the eyes, leaving a nice imprint of the holy
dragon symbol I have carved into my quarterstaff.
As you see him slowly step back, blood oozes from the wound and he drops.
I love how detailed you get.
Yes, he drops to the ground and lets out a final couple of words.
And he's like, he can't stop us.
He'll stop us on the land, but the sea will prevail.
And he dies.
He does end my turn.
All right, Schmigel, it's you, son.
What do you do?
Schmigel just like impressed with this staff kill.
He's never seen blood coming out of a head caused by a wooden weapon before.
For a second there is like, oh my God, geez.
And then, and then accidentally let's go with the other arrow that he had knocked and fly
towards the last remaining guy.
Schmigel's out here accidentally killing shit, that's this whole thing.
23 hits.
Accidentally killed the weasel too.
All right, so with the, with the hit, he goes for damage.
You got seven.
Seven.
Seven kills it.
All right, so yeah, I feel like the arrow would fly and hit this guy and somewhere is
vital and then Schmigel like still like at the other guy that hit with the staff looks
over and sees his arrow in this dude's neck or something.
It's like, ah, it's an escalation for him.
He's really trying to bring it all in here.
All this blood just comes out of his neck.
Kind of makes you smile.
Halp, you're standing right there.
Your mouth is kind of open and the blood just kind of lands on your tongue and on your teeth.
And he slowly drapes and falls to the ground.
That initiative is over.
Schmigel walks over to the guy he hit in the in the neck with an arrow and he's like, ah,
kill it.
Schmigel gets the loot.
And he's kind of like start rummaging through him.
Anything he can pull out.
Arrows, coins, daggers.
All right, so this bandit has a key on him that you pull out.
He also has a common scimitar and a light crossbow that has like 10 bolts on him.
But he doesn't have anything other than that than the clothes on his back.
The damage on the light crossbow is plus dex to hit and it is 1d8 plus.
I will take that and swap it for my shortbow.
And I'll loot the body of the other guy.
OK, the other guy also has a key on them.
But the other guy has a short sword and a long bow and leather armor and nothing else.
Hal wants to rip the arrow that I was shot with out and then pick my teeth as I retrieve
my trident.
Nice.
It's a cool visual.
Love that.
She is very much trying to get all the blood off of her armor, her metal, whatever, her
steel and her wood.
Just wiping the blood off.
Nice.
Yeah.
Love that.
You're standing in a torch lit chamber that again once could have been a very large cellar,
but it has since been converted into what look like living quarters.
There are 10 crude beds and they all stand along the south wall.
Each one of the crude beds has a wooden locker at its foot.
The long wooden trestle table is rigged by rickety stools and it dominates the whole
center of this room.
Now currently, a lot of the things that were on the table are now falling all over the
ground because of the bandit who slid across it.
A cook stove is installed near the table and evidence of recently cooked meals do sit atop
of it.
A large ham hangs from a loop of twine near the stove.
Nice, and there are two wooden doors in the very east side of this room.
Shmi just kind of just looks over to the large shark man in the corner and looks to the ham,
looks to the shark, looks to the ham and he's thinking to himself, I wonder how long before
he attacks it.
Yeah, Halp's going right for the ham.
There it is.
You walk over to the ham, it's hung up by a piece of string from the ceiling and it's
hanging there.
Halp's going to bite right into it with no thought.
I picture like you're like a fish on a fishing rod because the string is hanging out of your
mouth and your head's kind of like tilted to the side like pulling on this string and
you're just like chewing on it and eventually the string snaps and now you just got this
string hanging from your teeth.
It's pretty good.
You like slurp it up like spaghetti.
Shmi has a clear look of disappointment as he thought he was going to have at least one
piece.
He's sitting there with like a plate and a knife and he's like, I thought we were going
to share.
Yeah.
Walk past Shmi to give him a little tap on the shoulder.
You should have been faster there boy.
He just kind of looks up at him and looks down at the plate and it's empty and he just
kind of like looks defeated and puts the plate down on the chair and then he kind of walks
around the room some.
Help help looks a little sad and he regurgitates the ham and tries to hand it to me.
He gleefully accepts because you know as gross as that is he's totally down.
Imagine if there's still like string around it but it's all like chewed the fuck up.
I feel like there'd be like a license plate in it.
Some pages from the book he ate earlier.
Help help little friend.
Well I guess we should all take an opportunity now to roll against the fear status that we
all have.
Oh yeah the frightened.
Everyone wants to try to do me another wisdom save for that.
Let's do it.
That is a 16 plus zero.
So you bastard.
And I just made it with a 12.
I got a four.
Help fail.
It looked like it was going to land on an 18 to go.
You're not frightened anymore either with a 15.
You're good.
Me realizing it wasn't ghosts.
It's a little bit more calm.
What do you do.
Carwin.
So Carwin moves over to the nearest chest and kind of kicks it with her her foot a little
bit.
You kick the locker and it just you just kind of kick it.
That's it.
Nothing happens.
All right.
Well then she tries to open it.
All right.
So you see that each one of these lockers has a small little lock on it.
Shmi may I have those keys.
I mean you kind of like I feel like you would like pull out this like rusty ass key chain
that he's had on him and like none of the keys or anything.
He's just various things he's stolen from around town.
It's like one pristine key hanging off this thing.
He's like meh.
Okay.
And he just kind of runs over to you and just doubles a little bit and then meets up to
you and passes you this key ring that is just like falling off of rust.
It's just not good.
So Carwin takes the shiny key and attempts this particular foot locker with it.
Nice.
It totally works.
You slip the key in and unlock it and it swings open.
You can see the locker contains personal effects like some old shoes, a t-shirt, you know maybe
like an old rag.
Nothing really you know anything specific.
But there's also a coin purse in here that has seven gold pieces on it.
Shmi would you be able to use these shoes.
I noticed you don't have shoes.
Shmi looks at them and you kind of see a little bit of a tear starting to well up in his eyes
and he goes for Shmi.
He's never had shoes.
And a new t-shirt.
Kind of like runs past you and grabs the new shoes and grabs the new t-shirt, takes him
into his arms lovingly and then goes over to the corner and starts to try to chew on
it a little bit.
You appear to be happy.
Are you happy?
Yes.
Shoes and shirt don't taste as good as Shmi thought.
Oh.
I feel like for a second it was like Dobby.
Dobby get your sock?
And then it was just no way to Shmi.
Never mind.
He's just eating it.
Just like no marks in the boots already.
All right.
There are nine other foot lockers and you guys have one key.
I'm going to walk over and test my key on the other foot lockers.
Nice.
So you go through about three of them.
Then eventually there's one in the middle that the key slips into and you unlock it
slowly of course and it swings open and on the inside again there are some personal effects
like shoes and clothes and stuff like that.
But there is also a coin purse that has seven gold pieces in it.
It's like all these guys have been working on the same salary.
Yeah.
Hey Turk, can I, Shmi has a crowbar in his inventory.
Can I take a crowbar out and start popping some locks here?
I understand I don't need to do all of them but.
Yes.
Let's say Shmi takes a crowbar out.
Literally in my notes it says thieves tools or with the use of a crowbar.
You can use a crowbar on these little foot lockers but you must make a strength save
each time you want to try.
That's not so bad.
Yeah.
Who's the strongest here?
I was about to ask can help try to punch through one.
Does help on a crowbar?
Try but you would fail.
You can use the crowbar if you could.
I don't know.
Know how.
So how about this.
So how about help starts trying to punch through one.
It's me.
Yeah.
Cutter comes up and just like kindly hands him a crowbar.
He's like, eh?
Yeah.
Oh, thank you little one.
He's like, you got to like put it in and then push up.
You got it.
And helps going to do just that.
Nice.
So I need to roll a strength.
Yeah.
Strength check.
Twenty two.
Wow.
He still has disadvantage.
Does he not though?
Oh, you do have disadvantage.
Yeah.
Roll me disadvantage help because you're still frightened.
Oh no.
Scared little shark.
Oh, yeah.
Thirteen.
You still succeed.
OK.
It pops wide open and on the inside you see that the locker contains personal effects,
you know, like t-shirts, shoes and whatnot.
But it also has a coin purse that holds seven gold pieces inside.
Shocker.
Help is going to pick up one of the shoes because he saw me try to eat one and he's
going to eat it.
Nice.
Which means like good, right?
Way better than shirt.
Sure.
Make good food.
Now see the coin purse.
Shmi is going to like as he's like, yeah, yeah.
And then he kind of looks down and sees the coin purse out of the corner of his eye and
he's like, ah, leans in.
It's the most gold he's ever seen in his entire life.
Like this is more than Shmi you ever thought he would even come across.
Hell yeah.
The seven gold.
Hell yeah.
So he takes it while he eats the shoe.
So Carwin, you got seven golds.
Coxon you got seven gold.
Make sure to put it on your character sheets.
And yes, Shmi you get seven gold.
Hey, make sure to put it on your character sheet.
There are seven lockers left.
So if y'all want to speed run opening these things with the crowbar, we can.
Well, don't we have a crowbar and thieves tools?
So somebody can be doing one and somebody else.
Yeah, I have these tools with sleight of hand, so I'll work on a few of them myself.
So I will take three lockers and Shmi is going to kind of work through them.
And then Halp will do the other four.
Okay.
You want me to just roll in unison?
I've got it on disadvantage now.
Oh yeah, yeah, for sure.
Let's do it.
So I'd fail one, but I do with them, I think.
Nice.
Disadvantage, that's an 11.
You fail.
You move on to the next one.
That's a 12.
You succeed.
It pops open.
Next one.
That's a 10.
You fail.
That's a six.
You get them open and Shmi, you get two of them open.
So you guys get in total 21 more gold pieces.
You can divvy them out however you want.
I am noticing and it's also just because I've never really run into this before, but I do
have proficiency with thieves tools.
Really?
That's awesome.
That means you get the plus two whenever you use them.
So you are getting plus five, which makes sense because I think you have a plus three
decks and then you get plus two proficiency.
So you're actually getting plus five with the thieves tools.
How many out of the 10 to be open?
Seven.
So we want them to switch and one of us give a pet talk to help so he can try to.
You could.
You can do this.
If you want to switch.
With the pet talk, can I roll against the fear?
Yeah, but then she's going to actually have to give us a pet talk.
Are you okay?
Hope is nervous.
Carwin puts her very slight arm compared to his very large body around his back.
How it is okay.
We have defeated the current enemy.
You will be fine.
I know.
Are you sure?
I know you can open this.
See even Shmee was unable to open these.
Why don't you try those?
Help will try.
Okay, now I would do a roll against the fear.
Yeah, do me a wisdom save.
15 15 you succeed.
Yay.
Next time on the Grouch Couch cast, our heroes delve deep down into the haunted house to
figure out exactly what is going on.
Then they returned to parry the pirate for some answers and to turn in their plunder.
Thank you so much for joining us, tuning in and letting us keep you company.
We will see you once again next Friday for the next episode of the Grouch Couch cast.