We return now to You Three Heroes, riding on your ship back into Salt Haven, formerly
named the Green Bean, of course.
As you guys are rolling back into Salt Haven, the sky is, the sun is high in the sky, you
can hear the waves crashing on the side of your ship.
The lizard folk are running around on the ship, putting up the sails, and you guys are
sailing into the sea.
What I want you guys to do is into the harbor, into the dock of Salt Haven.
Right now, what I want you guys to do is kind of maybe describe to us what this scene looks
like in a sense of where are you on this ship as we're sailing back into Salt Haven.
I would like to think that she is poring over some of the books that she's acquired in the
captain's quarters at that desk.
Okay.
I feel like Hal would be on the main deck, towards the front, or upper deck, I think
it would be actually the upper deck, towards the front, kind of with his arms spread out
wide, kind of like doing the, I'm the king of the world, from Titanic.
Shmeez behind him.
Nobody's like at the wheel of the ship.
The crew's doing that.
Oh yeah, lizard folk.
Okay, that's fair.
Have them sailing the ship.
Nice.
Well, she's studying your books.
You guys are doing your Titanic thing.
I mean, do you guys say anything to each other while you're doing your Titanic thing?
Look, I want to clarify.
They ripped us off, okay?
This is our thing.
And we did it first.
Exactly.
Yeah, no, Shmee, I feel like Shmeez kind of stayed in mind right now.
It's been a weird few days for him, but he just went from being like homeless gutter
trash to being in charge of a ship.
So things are looking pretty fucking good for Shmee.
He's very happy.
He's got new captain.
He's got robot lady.
Shmeez on top of the world.
He's got little bean the dragon.
Yeah, little bad dragon.
Never knew he'd find love in this world.
Both has his eyes closed and with the wind kind of going through his hair, brushing over
his scales, he says softly, this feels right.
We did it, Captain.
We're no longer, you know, nobody's not not that you were nobody, but you know, Shmee
was Shmee was no one.
I'll hold you tighter, Captain.
Sorry for saying something.
And he just kind of like squeezes you a little tighter with a little godly arm.
Outpats his head.
Yes.
Classic.
And scene.
That's where we end the season.
Thanks for coming out, everybody.
No, I'm just kidding.
So as you guys are rolling into the dock on your boat into the harbor of salt haven, you
could see there are loads of other ships all around unloading, you know, equipment, stuff
like that.
You guys managed to find a spot closest to the empty net tavern.
And as you roll into that spot, you can see help being that you're standing at the head
of the ship as you're rolling in and the lizard folk are putting down the anchor.
You could see Perry, the pirate down there kind of waving his arms at you like in a sporadic
way.
But I don't think you would understand what he meant by that.
You might think he's saying hello.
I don't know.
It's up for you to interpret.
As the boat slowed, start packing up our stuff and then be like walking up onto the deck
as we're starting to dock.
Cool.
And help is going to wave back and say, they so happy to see us.
Cool.
We're heroes, Captain.
Of course.
I mean, look, look what he brought them.
It's me just going to like gesture to the ship.
He's like, we'll be gods in the city.
You know, Perry, the pirate who?
It'd be about new captain now.
Harwin hollers to help.
Help.
I don't think that's what he means.
Probably by this time, he like grabs onto the rope, like a rope ladder on the side of
the ship and kind of jumps up onto the deck and he's like, oh, hey, whoa, hey, hello.
You three, you should not be pulling an old stolen ship just right into the harbor like
this.
I see that you've gotten the boat and that's good.
I've been waiting for you to get back here.
I knew you were going to.
I thought we were going to sink it.
Oh no.
You're so brave coming onto the ship without bowing to captain.
Well, we're friends, right?
Shmee, I mean, you've seen my dick before, so like, why would I bow to?
We're friends.
Nobody bows.
We can do a drive by pickup and just pick you up and go.
Yeah.
Well, I, okay.
Well, if anybody comes, you got to get your story straight.
Okay.
Because the guards always come around.
We've got to write up paperwork and shit for boats now.
It's fucking annoying.
It's real stupid.
You see, I don't think we should be doing that, but it's awful and we got to get our
story straight.
What are you going to tell them?
Also, is there any stolen contraband on this ship?
If there is, I hope she's hidden well.
Ship looks confused and says stories don't have curves.
Yeah.
Story straight, right?
Help.
Story straight.
We've got to get our lie together of what you're going to tell the guards when they
come.
Oh.
We told guards that we're new captains around here and if they like it, then, you know,
they should get out of our way and then Shmeez might stab them.
I'm sorry.
Also, it seems to me that you've got some lizard folk on the deck of your ship here.
We've had some issues with lizard folk.
They've been attacking the village.
So maybe not a good idea to have them right out here in the open.
Who is controlling them?
Can anyone here speak lizard folk?
Shme knows how.
Geez.
He kind of like looks around nervously.
Oh, Shme, you know how to speak to lizards, do you?
Yeah.
Shme does it all the time.
You see him.
He's on the beach talking to geckos and iguanas and Shmeez.
Ah, OK, then go ahead, Shme.
Let's see it.
And he like leans up on the side railing and crosses his arms and he's like, go ahead.
Can I try a deception check?
To try to talk to the lizards?
I'd like to fake that I know lizard folk.
He's just going to make a bunch of movies.
OK, yeah, sure.
Roll me a deception check.
Let's do it.
Hell yeah.
Perfect.
How are we doing with deception anyway?
I have a plus three with a seven.
Oh no.
That's about right for Shme.
Yeah, he just proceeds to go.
All the lizard folk kind of like there's like three of them, right?
Was it three or four?
Either way, they look up and they see you and then they just continue with what they're
doing.
And he's like, right then, Shme.
So you told them to go down and hide, did you?
No, I said keep doing what you're doing.
Right.
Well, the goal here is to get them out of eyesight.
So if you would please.
Oh, Shme can help do that.
He kind of like looks around and checks his pockets.
Just still looking and looking.
Right.
That's what I thought.
So who exactly can talk to these fucking lizards?
Look, I've got no issue with lizards.
I've had a good couple of pirate folk lizards on my own boat, my own vessel before.
So we got to get them down before they get locked up.
You know, we'll get locked up for just harboring them.
Help don't know lizards.
Right.
But the way most lizard folk operate around here is they always follow the strong guy.
So I'm hoping to God that that might be you, Help.
There isn't some big ass lizard down below deck that they're following, right?
Help is strong.
And then Help takes the initiative and walks below deck.
Just walks.
He's just like, OK, they'll follow me.
Because he took that as the lizards were going to follow him.
Do they follow you, though?
That's the question.
Roll me a persuasion just to see if the lizards also follow you.
Animal handling?
Yeah.
Well, no, because they're not animals.
Oh, nice.
Eight to eight.
OK, the lizards follow suit, I guess.
They follow you down below deck.
Look at each other and shrug.
Yeah.
So all right, well, now that that's dealt with and Help's down there.
Oh, Jesus.
Carwin, you've got to know something here.
Shmee, we've got to tell these guys some kind of lie.
Where we got this boat?
They're going to be here any minute.
I can see them up the deck.
They're checking someone else in.
We've got to get our story together and hide the contraband before they get here.
Robot lady, you're smart.
Well, we can say that the boat is from where I come from.
Right.
But it was originally reported as stolen from this here place here.
So I don't know who had it before, but I know that this was a stolen vessel.
It was called the Sea Ghost.
I can see now, Shmee, you have crudely painted green being on the side for whatever reason.
Yeah.
New ship now.
One would think twice.
Yeah.
In green paint.
Yeah, I was thinking green paint.
Is it paint?
Yeah.
I wasn't going to ask.
It's just Shmee grease.
Yeah.
So maybe we found it.
Maybe I don't know.
Yeah.
I'm going to try to distract them a little bit when they're coming up the deck.
Okay, I'll buy you some time, but just be prepared for when they get here.
Okay.
What if we just tell them that it's a boat?
Boats float.
There it is.
It's ours now, right?
We can only tell them the truth.
No, that's crazy.
Don't tell them the truth.
Wait, maybe.
Well, if you do tell them the truth about the smugglers, I will tell you.
I will tell you that means the town council is going to get involved.
And there right now is exactly three to four different paths we can take on this here campaign.
And this is how you're choosing right now.
So I suggest whatever it is that you say is just what you're going to do.
But no, if you tell them the truth about the smugglers, we're going to have to deal with
the council.
That feel gross, council.
You don't want to deal with them, robot lady.
If you tell them the truth and the lizard folk and all the contraband will be taken.
So just also know that.
Do I know just as like a I guess we could do a history on it or something.
But is there any sort of like maritime law around here that says if you take it, it's
yours?
Fucking roll the history.
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's see if there is.
I'm honestly negative, negative one eight.
Eight.
Right.
So there definitely was some kind of maritime law saying that back whenever this was a free
town.
And at this point, I don't know how much I should tell you.
You should tell me a lot.
Carwin also world history got a 19.
So now that a lot of the old rules have been taken out of this town whenever the dwarfing
mining operation moved in and the king's acquisition moved in to try and help keep this town together.
There are a lot of traditionalists who are trying to keep things the way that they were,
including Perry the pirate.
And then there are the loyalists who are loyal to the king who are trying to move things
forward and make this a real town instead of a pirate town.
So these laws are in effect for maybe the pirates to still believe in them.
But the Kingsguard do not follow pirate law because they are with the loyalists.
And the town council is a mix match of both of these kind of things, loyalists and traditionalists.
All right, robot lady, hang on with me for a sec.
Now Schmeet, you know, he's been around for a while and a lot of people don't know Schmeet
because he's so gross and smelly.
So what if we did the same thing to the ship?
Gross and smelly and it looks like nobody would sail that thing.
I also think it's a great idea to use all the extra stuff that we have at the very bottom
of the boat to maybe blow up the cards, cover up some of what we have downstairs.
Right.
Yeah.
If it's so stinky, they may not want to go down there and check.
Schmeet can do stinky.
Schmeet kind of like hurries to the boat to like go and act the plan.
Nice.
So you're going to go downstairs.
I imagine downstairs in the quarters we talked about last episode, there are those buckets.
All right.
And I'm assuming there is at least three or four of them, maybe even five to still have
like actual shit and piss inside of them, like actual buckets from the lizard folk ship
and the old crewmates who used to be on the ship.
So if there's something you want to do with that, you could absolutely.
Is there a source of music around here?
There could be.
Why do you ask?
You have a creative idea?
Well, I mean, I have an idea.
So Schmeet, he's going to go down and he's going to kind of gather up the lizard folk
and he's going to kind of point to one and just mimic like a flute.
We're going to try to get a band flute.
Yeah, we're going to try to get a dang lizard folk band going.
He's going to grab both buckets and he's just going to spin and spin.
He's like a sprinkler going to cover this entire downstairs in sync with the music and
dancing.
OK.
So if you're going to do that, help is still controlling the lizard folks.
You're going to have to communicate with help to get him to tell them to do it.
Schmeet's like, he dances, you know, I can do this, Captain, but I work better with a
little music.
Is there an instrument nearby like the flute thing that they were talking about?
Yeah.
Like, you know, the pan drum maybe left over from the old crew and definitely a flute or
so, just like down here, you know, there might be a couple of mix matched instruments.
Jesus.
So Hal grabs the pan drum and the flute and he walks up to two of the lizard folk.
He shoves the pan drum in one lizard folk's hand and just says, bang.
And then he shoves the flute into the other lizard folk's hand and says, blow.
Blow and bang, yeah.
OK.
Well, I want to roll a performance for the lizard folk.
I don't have their stat sheet up, but Hal, will you just roll me a performance check,
I guess, to see how well they might actually do this?
Can I get an inspiration if they pull it off well?
Sure.
Yeah, a five.
Yeah.
So one of them like, start like, he's like playing on the pan drum like ding, ding, ding,
but then the other one starts hitting the pan drum with the flute, like just hitting
the fucking, he doesn't understand.
It's still kind of music, though, like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Means like, I can work with this.
Thanks, captain.
And he's just going to kind of grab the buckets and just like, is that kind of go with the
noise?
It's not a good dance.
Can help roll another performance check to start singing opera?
Sure.
Yeah, why not?
That's canon that shark folk sing opera.
Is it really?
Okay.
19.
No, dude, that's a natural 20 minus one.
So yeah, that's a nat 20 minus one, but it's still a nat 20.
So yeah, absolutely canon now that shark folk sing opera, but we're going to need an example.
We're going to need an example.
Me stand there, he was sitting there with a bucket of shit in one hand, a bucket of piss
in the other.
And now he's staring at the captain with a tear rolling down his eye.
He goes, I'll sing for you.
Oh, man!
It's like...
Arwen yells down the stairs and says, hurry up, Shmee!
Right, yeah.
And he just kind of just like starts, like I said, spinning and flinging the shit and
piss everywhere.
And he goes, it's okay, Captain.
We're just going to make it so gross that they don't want to come check out the bottom
quarters.
Don't know what we're going to do with it being stolen, though.
Either way.
All of you guys are, you spin around and you cover this place in fucking shit and piss,
and it's disgusting.
It smells.
The Lizard Folk seem unfazed.
And Halp sings opera while you spin in a circle.
It's like, I don't know, reminds me of like a slow motion scene from like, yeah, Umbrella
Academy when they're like jumping through like slow motion, like breaking glass, but
instead it's like shit just like splashing on the walls.
Me's got tears of laughter coming out of him.
Yeah.
And Carwin, you could see up the dock, up the wood, Perry the pirate seems to try to
be like distracting these guards.
There's like five of them, along with a man with a pen and quill coming up the thing.
And he's trying to like talk to them and distract them and like dance in front of them and like
do weird stuff.
But they kind of just push him away, like out of the way.
And they eventually get up to where your boat is all the way up the deck after walking down.
And the guy with the quill kind of looks up and yells at you with the five guards standing
behind him.
And he's like, please state your name.
Hello.
My name is Carwin.
Blessed Brew.
What is your name?
My name is the shippy guy with pen and quill.
That's an awful name.
I know.
Hello.
How was your day been today?
It's been fine.
I'm here with these guards.
We've gotten a lot of reports of smuggling and other things going on here.
So for the past few days, of course, it's nice to meet you.
Yeah, we have been checking all the ships to make sure none of them are stolen or anything
like that.
We actually got a report of a stolen ship a couple of weeks ago called the Sea Ghost.
And he looks over at the back of the ship where the name of the boat is.
It says Sea Ghost in beautiful white and then over it in awful green brown.
It says green bean and it's all like dripping like nasty.
He's like, well, please, can you explain this?
Explain what?
Please be specific.
It seems to me that you are well in your possession is the stolen Sea Ghost ship.
In my possession?
Yes, ma'am.
I do not own a boat.
Well you're the only one standing on it.
Help steps forward.
Covered in shit and piss.
I got this Garwin and then looks to the guard and says, Captain Halp thought it would be
good idea to disguise own ship as stolen ship to try to catch pirates.
Well now, roll me deception.
That is actually pretty good.
Ridiculous.
16.
Yes.
Well now, you're Captain Halp.
It seems to me, good sir, that we need more men like you around here.
That is a fantastic idea.
I'm in the business of killing pirates myself.
And then from behind him you hear, oh yeah.
And Perry's like standing there.
He's like, yeah.
That's me.
Shippy McPaper Quillface.
So anyways.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know that murder was an okay thing to do.
Is it now okay to do, sir?
Oh yeah, Shmi.
He murders all the...
Yes.
Sorry.
The guards kind of look up at you.
Is murder okay now?
Hold me down.
You're downstairs.
You know, if you're killing pirates who are stealing things, yeah.
Anyways, it's fine.
So we don't bring them to justice.
You have this boat here.
And have a trial.
Oh Jesus.
Halp, Carmen is very confused.
Why is this lawman not following his own law?
Shit.
Look, it's a fucking 20 gold docking fee to dock your boat here for the day or longer.
It's 20 gold.
Which one of you will be paying that?
Excellent.
Here you go, sir.
Okay and then one last thing.
These lovely guards up here need to just come up and check things out.
Make sure you don't have any stolen contraband or anything like that.
I mean, I know.
Of course, pirate hunters like yourselves probably do an amazing work, but we just have
to double check.
So yeah.
Welcome aboard, gentlemen.
I hope you have a wonderful stay.
So, Halp says, fair enough.
Humble servant Halp is here to please just mind the area in the back.
It things got little shitty.
He's like, okay.
They tell me it does not smell good.
And the five guards climb up the ladder slowly.
Like you can tell their full suits of armor.
They are not ship going folk.
They have a hard time getting up.
But once they get up there, they kind of like examine everything on the deck.
They walk around you and one of them like stops when he walks past you and like smells
you Halp and he's like, oh, geez.
And then he like keeps walking around, you know.
I also like to imagine whenever you were spinning around the shit and piss, Shmee, like it was
around you in a circle, so like none of it got on you.
It's like a clean circle down there.
Bottom deck from like where you were standing.
They look around and then eventually they do get over to the stairs that go down into
the into the barracks and all of them kind of like stop together and they're over there
talking and then you walk over and kind of listen to their conversation.
One of them's like, Jesus.
I mean, just look.
He's like, I know savages have never been around a shark folk before, but I didn't know
that they did this.
Oh, no, that was all Shmee and Shmee kind of proudly steps forward.
Oh, OK.
Well, of course, Shmee's here, too.
So yeah, this sounds good, guys.
Everything's totally right and in order.
Totally right.
Look around.
Shouldn't you do your job?
Shmee kind of like shouts after the message.
Don't you want to hang out with Shmee?
Nope, nope, nope, nope.
Please, please, David.
Looks good.
We'll get a beer, fellas.
Everything's good.
And they like slowly climb down.
I hope you had a wonderful stay.
Shmee wasn't even trying to like be deceptive.
He was just like proud.
Come on, stay, hang out longer.
Yeah.
Go look at my work I did downstairs.
It's awesome.
Ridiculous.
Yeah, they climb down and then he's like, OK, thank you guys.
Have a good day.
And they begin walking up the ship deck, the ship dock.
And Perry's like, well, seems to me whatever you did, it totally worked out.
Help.
You know, I didn't peg you for an intelligent creature.
That was a good lie you told there.
You definitely got your story straight.
Help is very intelligent, sir.
Help's story had no curves.
Exactly.
It was straight as a narrow.
That's right.
Help.
Me comes running up the steps at this point.
Have you guys seen my friends?
There was two of them.
And he sees them walking down the dock.
He's like, come on, fellas.
Come on, just hang out.
He's like on the front of the ship.
Like titanicking it again.
He's yelling at him.
He's yelling after them.
Yeah.
And Perry's like, OK, well, I'm sure you guys got a lot of things you could probably unload
and sell, you know, stolen kind of typey things.
We can go over all your inventory and everything like that and get you some gold before your
next grand adventure.
OK, get you something good to send off with.
But first, I got to go handle some things over at the Empty Net Tavern, and you know,
I just wanted to be here so I can make sure everything turned out OK.
And it did.
So have yourself a good time.
Stroll back into town.
You know, get yourselves back off this boat.
You've been out at sea for a whole day.
So yeah, you got any questions for old Perry?
No, but I do appreciate the heads up that you gave us.
Of course.
I expect, you know, us pirates got to stick together.
And when you make all the gold from what you're going to spend it over there at the Empty
Net, so it's a fair trade.
Have you seen old man Jenkins?
Yeah, I seen him last night.
Yeah, he made this really cool, like, invention.
We cooked some hot dogs and then he was eating them with pickles and honey.
It was wild.
Oh, please, Shemeem ate that first.
Oh, really?
All of a sudden.
Yeah.
Well, he was talking about how he made it first, so we'll see.
Did not.
Captain Perry.
Yeah.
What do you know about the City Under the Sea?
The City Under the Sea.
Well, I'm mostly sailing on top of the sea kind of guy myself, but I have met a couple
of sea elves who came around here.
They were not very friendly, very stuck up, thought they were better than everyone else,
but they couldn't even speak common very well.
So it was.
Yeah.
Anyways, it's all I really know.
They were all like, we're taller than you, Shemeem, we're more special.
I was like, yeah, you can't even say Shemeem.
That was silly.
Exactly.
And they kicked me.
Yeah.
I don't know much about that underwater sea.
They were here, apparently running from some kind of something that happened down there.
I don't know if everything's good to go or what, but it's all I know.
Yes.
All right, then I'll see you later.
And he just starts walking on down the dock.
Bye, Captain.
Yes.
Oh, and before I go, he turns on his heels.
He's like, the lady over at the construction, whatever.
The lady who's obsessed with wood.
Yeah, apparently she had some kind of lead or something for you, Carwin.
Apparently I'm your handler now.
So what the fuck?
He turns back on his heels and skits on.
Thank you, Captain Perry.
Arr!
A lead.
Help.
Maybe she's talking about the wood that Marvin gave me.
Help.
Help Carwin find her wood.
Oh, I appreciate that.
But now you are very, probably very sneaky.
I can't smell you, but you look like you're very stinky.
Jump into the ocean.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Help does exactly that.
Comes back up all soaking wet, dripping on the dock.
I imagine you're like, clean now.
Do you think your lizard friends will clean up the mess we just made?
Help has no lizard friends.
Oh.
Well, who are your friends, Help?
Carwin and Shmee are Help's friends.
Shmee just starts running into town at this point.
He is booking it past the docks towards town center and he's going to be yelling, Shmee!
Got friends!
Shmee got friends!
Carwin and Shmee is like, yeah.
Nice, dude.
Yeah.
Okay.
So since we're going to go to the Carpenter's Guild anyways, are there any planks that are
damaged on this boat?
I'm sure.
Also covered in feces, probably.
Well, they can be easily dunked underwater and fixed.
I actually had it in my notes if you guys want to inspect it.
I think under a deck in a certain room, under a table, there was actually an exact plank
that he totally missed.
I know I'm meta-gaming, but since you brought it up, I think it was in the kitchen.
It was like a plank that could have been perfect for that.
Okay, perfect.
Knowing that she has a list of wood with a story that she wants, Carwin's going to grab
that and throw it to Help so he can go dunk himself again, I guess, with the wood so we're
not stinking up her office or whatever it's called.
Hell yeah.
Does she explain this to Help when she throws the wood at him?
Oh.
Yes.
Help, will you wash this wood off and give it right back to Carwin, please?
Help is here to serve.
And he puts the plank in his mouth.
Ew.
And pulls the plank out like he just licked off a popsicle and hands it back to Carwin.
Thank you, Help.
Even Shmee's grossed over that one.
You're not here.
You're right, you're right, you're right.
You have to cut that.
You're in the town.
Why does Help hear Shmee?
I imagine it's nice and slimy and still has a little bit of yuck on it.
So thank you, Help.
We'll rinse it off a little bit more after we get off the docks.
There you go.
Cool, so y'all heading to town?
Yeah, as long as we can give some sort of instruction for those lizard folk to not go
run amuck in town.
I don't think they're leaving the ship.
Not anyway.
You don't have to worry about that.
They know where they belong and I think, you know, they're there to protect their goods
or whatever, right?
So you head down the dock.
Once you get to the end of the dock in the about center of town, you can see that Shmee
is already there and Shmee is yelling at all the people that he has friends.
And he seems very excited.
But all of the people walking around in this midday in the center of Salt Haven are completely
avoiding Shmee.
And at this point, there is almost a complete circle of about 20 feet around of people who
are completely avoiding Shmee entirely.
They're walking the long way around to not hear him or smell him.
And you to arrive to see him there.
To your left, of course, is the Guild Carpenters Hall and to your right is the inn.
The very fancy...
Fuck, what was it called?
I've got it here.
I've got it.
The snapping line.
The snapping line inn.
Hey, yeah.
No, Shmee's seeing these guys come up and he's like, no one's listening to me, but I
swear it's true, right?
Yes.
You are my friend.
That is why we're going to walk this way.
And so because her arm is either metal or wood and she doesn't have anything that's
cloth on right now, she's just going to put her arm around him and just kind of walk him
to behind the inn, wherever I'm sure that there's some sort of trough for maybe...
Because if this is a port town, they have carriages that come in with horses.
So she's literally going to just kind of walk him towards the alley and we're just going
to walk into the back and then she's going to say...
Hold on.
Help is holding.
Shmee.
Yeah?
Shmee, remember?
What Captain X said, because I guess her name starts with an X instead of a Z.
She said that you were smelly.
Carwin cannot smell, but everyone is acting like you are very smelly.
How about you jump in this water trough real quick and clean off?
No, no way.
Last time Shmee cleaned off in a water trough that kicked him out of town for a week.
What if we pay for the water to be replaced?
With money?
Why would you pay for water?
Shmee, I know that it's very different what I'm asking you to do, but I really think it's
a good thing for you to do.
It just seems like early in the year for Shmee.
Maybe it's another six months until he takes a bath.
Well today is a momentous occasion.
You have two friends.
Ah.
And you're saying that maybe Shmee's friends like him more if he didn't smell like Shmee's
ass?
Shmee, I like you no matter what you smell like.
That's perfect then.
Thank you.
It looks like you're supposed to walk away a little bit.
I can't take you anywhere with me if you smell like you do.
Why?
I want Shmee to be with me.
Oh, it's like that eh Robot Lady?
Okay.
So Shmee gets beefied up for our date then and he kind of walks over towards the trough
and just like lightly splashes a little bit of water on himself.
It's not much.
I'm going to put Shmee in the trough.
And Shmee can't swim.
What?
Halp steps up and picks up Shmee.
Wait, Shmee can't swim?
No, he's just lying right now.
He's totally like.
Alright.
It's like this is a pirate adventure.
That's an issue.
This whole time.
Can you imagine?
He just gets knocked off and he's dead.
Halp picks up Shmee and holds him like I would imagine somebody would with bathing a baby
and climbs into the trough with him.
What are you doing?
Put me down.
Then she overflows like all over the ground.
Halp whispers to Shmee, don't panic.
Halp can breathe underwater and then dunks both of them.
Shmee can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Armin assumes her normal stance of crossed arms and weight all on one foot while she
gets looked out.
Eventually you guys emerge completely soaked and step out into the mud on the other side.
Shmee you are dripping.
Your new coat, your sack, your underwear.
But hey, you don't smell as bad.
Your three hairs are in front of your eyes now because they're all wet.
It's going to take me forever to dry off.
There it is.
Never mind.
Shmee, will you hold this piece of wood for me?
Okay.
How big is it?
Not very.
It's like a small little plank.
How big is it?
It's like a small little plank.
I want to go into the inn and give them ten gold and apologize for dirtying their water.
Nice.
Quickly you walk around and burst inside to give them gold.
This place is jam-packed with sailors and pirates and what have you.
There are like on the walls there are like steering wheels from ships and there's netting
all around.
The place smells awfully of fish.
And there's everyone just throwing around having a good old time eating lunch.
You know there's turkey legs all around and people eating fish with spoons for some weird
reason.
You walk up to the counter and there's a small young little nice little elf working there.
She's holding a tray and she's got clothes on and she looks up at you and she goes, oh
yeah, hey, welcome in.
Now what can I do for you?
Hello.
My name is Carwin Blessabrew.
Yes, Carwin.
I need to give you this ten gold because I dirtied your water in back.
I apologize.
Hopefully this will cover you being able to have someone give you new water.
Thank you.
Was that me again?
And she turns on her heel and leaves.
Okay, thanks.
And you just walk right out.
She's like, oh, okay, thanks.
You guys are back now in center of town except this time two of you are soaking wet and you're
missing ten gold.
Across the street is the Carpenter's Guild Hall.
You paid ten gold for water?
Oh.
You're worth it.
Just saying, you know, there's free water right there and he just kind of motions a little
bit to the right where the shore is.
True.
Okay, robot lady.
You just kind of keep walking.
You know, that's salty water.
It's a bath, you know, whatever.
Yeah, you guys walk up the stairs to the Carpenter's Guild Hall.
This place is beautiful, as I've said before.
It is pristine and made.
It's almost like a giant upside down ship.
It's very cool and it's made completely without nails.
You look at it, there's no nails, no metal, no nothing.
It's completely made out of wood.
You guys walk in the door and of course sitting behind a very small table towards the back
is Jillyar.
The nice little gnome lady.
She's got a huge hammer and she's banging on some wood.
She sees you come in, she looks up, she says, oh hey, it's my favorite friends.
Welcome.
You've come inside the wood this time.
That's awesome.
It's always good when people come inside the wood.
Yes.
Hello, Miss Jillyar.
Hello.
And then Halpa points towards her hammer and says, Halpa appreciates the size of your hammer.
Yeah, I've got some pretty big wood, don't I?
It is a wooden hammer.
Anyways, welcome in Carwin.
I was looking for you.
Of course, of course.
I don't know if you heard that I was looking for you or you came for some other reason,
but yeah.
I did.
Captain Perry told me, but I have something for you too.
Oh yes, what is that?
Remember you told me you were looking for wood with a story.
Yes.
As she reaches over and takes the wood out of Shmi's hands.
Yeah.
The seasoned wood, yes.
So this wood came into our possession and we have it on good authority.
Give it here.
She holds out her hands.
Thank you.
She snatches it.
She didn't let me finish.
Yeah.
She puts it right up to her nose and smells it.
She's like, oh geez, this is seasoned wood.
Wood with a story.
Wood from a ship, a plank from a ship, a ship that was stolen from an old man, a ship that
was stolen by pirates who were smuggling, pirates who were murdered, pirates who kidnapped.
And then wood that was shit on and stolen and taken and ripped from the beginning of
a ship.
That was me.
And then washed in the sea and then washed again in a bucket behind the tavern.
This wood has story.
It does.
I think Shetner.
Yeah.
She somehow knows everything that happened to this wood just by smelling it.
And she's not fazed by the shit that was on it.
She's just like, wow.
She runs behind the back and sets the wood down and comes back with a little coin purse
and throws it at you.
She goes, thank you.
Thank you so much.
It flies across the room.
You're very welcome.
You catch it.
She's like, I will be adding this to my collection.
This is wonderful.
Cool.
Well, in return, of course, I also have a lead for you.
Now I know for a fact you were looking for some wood, some very seasoned wood.
Wood with a story.
This wood, this beautiful, outrageous wood.
This wood that was polished inside of it was amazing.
This wood, I got a lead.
That's my story.
Sorry.
I get excited when I talk about wood.
Wood excites me, needless to say.
So the tale is there was a ship that was lost at sea.
The ship was back from the olden days of, well, of course, Salthaven, back in the old
dock days before Salthaven was even a free country.
The ship was lost at sea.
There are rivers that run from the Mead Sea up through the land.
And apparently it went up, it came down, and it was just lost.
It was delivering something.
But the thing is, it came from down south of Helmforth.
It picked up things there.
It was delivering them.
And the theory is that maybe not only this ship has what you are looking for on it, in
its within it, someone there has it stranded somewhere, who knows?
But it also has other things, treasure of the mighty, the utmost.
So if you can go out to sea and find this ship, find a lead, you might be able to find
the wood that you are looking for.
Out to sea in the Mead Sea?
Yes.
Or on the other side?
Well, I don't know.
Like the specific ocean?
It could be specific ocean.
Could be Mead Sea.
You know?
Could be non-specific rivers even.
Who knows?
Like a bathtub?
Like a bathtub.
Anyways, that is my lead for you.
My wing gay.
Metagaming right now.
Thank you so much.
After this first little mini campaign, we may be going after the thing on the sea.
We might be doing more things like that.
And I haven't read all the notes, I can't give you a lot of information, but we're planting
seeds.
I would love to wear cannons.
You could do that.
Like wear cannons?
Like, we're talking about sprinkles Thursday art and you're wearing cannons as like a
procedure?
I want like Master Commander with Shmi.
Dude, your little dragon bro's little fireball with the little fuse on the cannon and then
pfft.
Love it.
Shmi's just like rolling the balls over because he can't lift them.
Now that you guys actually have a ship, we may or may not be doing a true little bit
of a sea adventure for the next little shipwreck mini campaign.
So um.
Hooray!
Mini season.
Mini whatever.
Whatever.
We're doing these in episodes of 10 or 11.
You viewers get it.
You understand.
When we come back after this set, we're going to be doing another little thing.
Yeah, that's exactly what we're doing.
So we're planting seeds.
Anyway, she has the story about your wood.
She's excited.
Now, is there anything else anyone of you, one of you might want to do to finish off
this little bit of our little mini season campaign finale?
Shmi is clean, which is not where we thought he would end.
No.
But he's here and he's pumped that he's got some people that actually call him friends
rather than the opposite.
Yeah.
He's just he's in a good spot, you know?
He's got a dragon.
He's clean.
He's got friends.
He's got a cool new coat.
And a crew.
People don't know about his past murders and potential future ones.
Carlin has a lead.
He has fucking shit.
So, I would imagine knowing help, he's probably just going to go find some food.
Nice.
Well, I have a theory I want to research, though, before we totally end.
OK.
On the way to the Carpenter's Guild, did we pass the blacksmith?
Sure.
Yeah.
OK.
Sure.
Of the tools and things that she is making, would I be able to identify them versus the
things that are on the boat?
My fan theory is I'm a fan of my own work.
So my fan theory is, is that she has been told to make all these and then somehow they're
ended up as contraband.
And that's why she's overworked.
Interesting being a pawn the whole time.
Here's what I've got.
As you approach the blacksmith's forge, you can see the blacksmith's forge has a single
anvil with clear signs of dwarven origins and a backlog of orders that is 10 miles long.
The human smith, she, there, she makes hooks, nails, harpoons, knives, fishing weights
and much more all day.
The master smith, as you know, is an elderly dark-skinned woman named Mephira.
Her son is also running around in the back.
He's a very young son.
He's a little journeyman.
And a small shrine to an old god can be found under one of the wells.
Although it is somewhat neglected as if no one has ever really seen it.
You can see it back there as the kid's running around.
There are some dwarves here, some dwarves that are associated with the new mining operation,
of course.
And even as they talk to her while you stand there, you can tell that they seem to be smitten
with how a human came into ownership of such fine dwarven tools.
And you can kind of think that they might be suspecting treachery.
And you can kind of hear them talking about maybe even hiring some people to figure out
what rightfully belongs to the dwarves themselves.
Now there is some fish hooks and stuff like that.
It might be of similar metal, but it doesn't look like she has any kinds of swords, shields,
or spears anywhere around.
She does not normally make weapons at all.
And on your ship, you almost only have all weapons as contraband.
Hm, okay.
Yeah.
You took a second there.
Well, I almost want to engage her in talking, because they're just talking around her as
she works and I'm hearing what they're saying.
Yeah.
Okay.
They're waiting in line to get their tools for the mine, right?
Oh, okay.
She's almost done with him.
I picture this ending with you three eating together in the empty net tavern with Perry.
You know what I mean?
Kind of like eating some food.
Oh, that's perfect.
Spending your gold.
Oh, absolutely.
You know what I mean?
That's the final shot.
You're going to be eating there, going to have a nice long rest there at the inn across
the street or whatever.
Next time on Shipwreck.
That's right.
Just for all you viewers out there listening, yes.
Thank you so much for listening to this whole thing.
If you have any feedback, please let us know in Discord, on social media, anywhere else.
Ending this one here and we're going to be back.
We're going to be delving more to help Carwin and Shmi's lives and Salt Haven as a whole.
So thank you guys for listening.
Of course, I am DM Turk and we're here with Odie Mel, Maritime Nate and Mr. Abstracto.
Those are the Grouch Grouch Crew players for this year podcast.
Dude, I don't know for anybody who did listen to all this, if you guys made it through,
we appreciate you hanging in and watching all this.
Give us some feedback and come hang out in the Discord.
Hit us up on social media.
If there's a moment that you love, let us know.
Other than that, man, it's a lot of fun.
I enjoyed playing Shmi.
It was kind of just a dumb voice that I did in a quick moment.
I think it was what, two, three minutes before we went live.
I was like, this is the voice now.
And it's been dumb and I've been getting cool feedback from it.
And I feel like Shmi only works here.
So it's kind of a little special treat for you guys.
It's not something I could pull off doing on a live show.
You need expensive cartoon budget to make them work.
So the fact that you all animate them with your ears every week and put a face to them
and I've seen art and a lot of dumb jokes.
It's been a lot of fun.
I would be really interested to hear what people think Halp's favorite food is.
If you made it this far, you might have some fucking theories.
Am I right?
Right.
Make sure to send them over.
I have a list.
Hell yeah.
And lastly, now that we've finished this little mini campaign, you guys will be level three
before we start next time.
So excited.
Up glasses.
Yeah.
Upgrades.
So exciting stuff.
That's right.
Good night everybody.
Bye.
Bye guys.
Good night.