Hi, hello, everybody. My name is Turk, and welcome
back to the Grouch Couch. Thank you so much for
continuing, joining us on this very special adventure
that is Love, Death, and Dice, the Magical University.
I'm very excited to be here doing this. This
is episode two. We'll see how long this series
runs. That depends, of course, on how much you
like it. So make sure to leave a like below and
subscribe so you don't miss the next episode.
Now, before we get into the details of today's
episode, why don't we introduce ourselves and
the player characters who are playing today.
The lads. Yes. Hello. Hello. I'm Fishy and I'm
playing Meryl Wilson. A cursed child just trying
to make it by life. Hello. I'm Kate, and or Proteus,
and I am playing Tilly Lockwood, Wizard. Hello,
I am Ray, and I will be playing Professor Scoutmaster
Wildthorn, a teacher who just honestly probably
isn't supposed to be teaching. And links to these
guys and everything they do will be down in the
description. As always, things are developing
very well. Guys have just arrived. at the Brimstone
University of Mystics. And so we're going to
get right into the show. As we last left off,
the gates of Brimstone University swing open.
They reveal a massive courtyard bathed in eerie,
flickering light. The air hums with raw magic
thick enough to almost taste, but it shifts unpredictably.
One moment crisp and refreshing, the next charged
like a coming storm. But the courtyard here is
alive with movement. Floating books flip between
students, carrying registration forms. A staircase
on the far of the courtyard keeps changing directions,
forcing students to chase after it, try to get
to where they need to go. A group of first years
are stuck in a teleportation loop, reappearing
every five seconds in the same spot. And a sentient
chalkboard seems to be arguing with itself about
the correct spelling of a different student's
name. At the center of it all... Headmaster Bartholomew
Brimstone the 39th is grinning madly. His haft
robe still burned in half. His staff still missing
entirely. And he greets everyone. Up and loud
as he stands up on the staircase. Greets everyone
loud down below. Ah! New arrivals! All of you
are still in one piece. Very good. Very good.
All of you have been assigned. dormitories I
suggest all of you find yourselves at home and
remember to attend your first class for it may
define your very existence in our world pretty
good as you guys start clapping he claps his
hands and He disappears in a puff of smoke and
the books that were all around him kind of float
around in circles and then hit the floor. Just
a smattering of books. As you guys can see here
in the quad, there is some kind of a process
kind of happening, a sorting process where people
are picking their classes and stuff like that.
Students are running around. But Professor Wildthorne,
of course, you remember. that you were encouraged
to show these guys where the dormitory is. But
this is kind of an issue because you see the
dormitory, it's not always where it should be.
The dormitory entrance isn't where it is the
previous day. As you look over on the side of
the castle, of course, in true brimstone fashion,
the dormitory tower. doesn't seem to be there.
Charm, just kind of be charismatic like, hey.
I think since you're getting assistance here,
we can call it a charm roll of four. Something
very easy here. My charm is my superb die, which
is 20. So I can take half and just cool. Then
I'm going to do that. Okay. The chalkboard. The
chalk comes alive. And it begins scratching as
fast as it can on the chalkboard. And as it scratches
and writes, the old words that were on there
disappear like puffs of chalk that wisp away
in magical sparkles. And the chalk writes, What's
up, Scoutmaster Wildthorn Professor? And then
you say, Can you help me find where it is? And
it writes a big arrow on the chalkboard, and
then the chalkboard rotates. Much obliged. Thank
you, Professor Scratch. I look forward to hearing
your lecture this upcoming Saturday on the importance
of cleaning one's erasers should be stimulating
stuff. I believe at that point, the chalkboard
goes into a full on excited lecture in words
on chalk about cleaning erasers and why it's
important as you guys walk away. And it just
writes faster. It tries to get it all out before
you aren't even paying attention. But in Brimstone
University fashion, the dormitory, it seems to
be floating a little over five feet above the
ground and on the complete opposite side of where
it's normally located. It's requiring all students
to climb this rickety rope just to even get inside
of this tower. Could I use my winged boots to
fly up it? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Taking
regular steps. Up to nothingness. So this is
the first time you're using these boots. I do
want you to make me a flight roll to see if it
goes well for you. And we're going to call it
a difficulty of 10. 10. I got a four. You got
a four. So you look down at your boots and you're
like, we could do this. We don't need no rickety
rope ladder. That sounds awful. You have wings.
You realize. You look at your shoes and they're
charred and embery and almost leaking black ichor
at your feet. And you're just like, let's go.
And you click your heels together and they begin
to flutter. But then they're like disobedient
to you. Like you try to step forward to step
up in this thing and your foot goes backwards.
That's not good. I'll take my anniversary token
because I failed. All right. Now. Tilly, were
you saying something? Yeah, Professor, hooves
aren't really made for climbing ropes. Oh, no.
And I'm only about three feet tall. Would you
happen to just, could you just toss me up there?
I'll do you one even better. Actually, either
of you wish to try this spell and charm, please
feel free to do so. And so I kind of pull out
my wand and say, Levitatus, and I should start
to float ever so gently up and then step into
the doorway. Okay, that's going to be a charm
magic roll. Levitation? Absolutely. Well, it
could be flight, but I think that's charm magic.
It should be charm. Yeah, it's a charm spell.
So this should be easy for you, and your charm
is a 20. I'm going to say it's a difficulty of
10 for all three of you. So if you want to just
levitate up in there, you absolutely can. Of
course. Yes, I wish to show them how to do it,
so I'm not going to try to do anything special
with it. Just boom. Nice. Now, as a teacher,
do you get any bonuses you can give these guys?
I have 15. Nice. Hell yeah. Until he got a 10.
They don't need help. They don't need help. So
these two astonish you, Professor, as they do
the magic. Levitatis. Black smoke kind of spews
out of my wand, and that is what actually lifts
me up and propels me upwards. Levitatis. All
three of you begin to float, and you float right
up and into... the dormitories together. Very
good. Can I actually add a bit of a little bit
of a thing? I continue to float up just a little
bit higher than the door frame. It's like, how
do you make it stop? You just point to where
you wish to go with your one. Oh, okay. And I
point down at the stoop and I can land very nicely
on. Badass. Badass. Wonderful. Well done, both
of you. Good job to both of you. Well done. Make
sure that you should sign up for a charm class
if you haven't already with a professor that's
a scoutmaster. Could be fun. Anyway, this is
where you will stay and sleep and hopefully not
get into too much trouble because, again, you're
still in college. so there's certain rules that
you have to abide by. No magic against other
students, less in a classroom. Make sure that
you keep your familiars' accidents cleaned and
taken care of. Aye, aye, Professor Grandmaster
Scoutmaster. If a classmate says, I made the
best potion in the world, smell this shit, you
know, think about it first. I mean, I imagine
if we learned, Just a little bit of knock -canonology.
We could probably reverse any illegal substances
from our blood. Don't jump ahead of the curriculum.
Y 'all have a good night. Sleep. I'll see you
at class tomorrow. Moving forward, once you guys
get inside, all right, you guys are met with
a long, winding hallway. It's lined with mismatched
doors, some glowing faintly, and as you walk
past them, other doors are whispering. unintelligibly
a few doors though don't really appear to lead
anywhere at all but at the very end of the corridor
a single wooden door creaks open on its own as
you approach revealing the inside as if welcoming
you to your very new home and this is for these
two we're going to come back to you professor
oh we're roommates you think they would actually
well i guess it is Fire Brimstone Magical College
of Wizardry. Things just kind of happen here.
Yeah, I'm bum university. I guess we best find
where our bums go. All right. As you guys step
inside, you can see that the room in here is
unexpectedly larger than what you would have
thought. But it is kind of deeply strange. Clearly,
this room is enchanted to accommodate all different
kinds of magical students. As you step in and
get a gander around, you can see that the furniture...
seems to rearrange itself randomly. One moment,
the beds are on one side of the room, and the
next, the beds are on a different side of the
room. Also, there's a large enchanted window,
and every time you look at this window, it seems
like it's showing a different view of a different
part of the university grounds. The views are
changing every single time. And there's a floating
chandelier that hums like it's thinking, and
if you stare at it too long, the lights flicker.
go out. And the fireplace itself in here does
give off a nice warm energy about the room, but
the actual flames in the fireplace are purple.
Now, each one of your belongings seem like they
have already been stacked neatly by your assigned
beds. But as you approach your assigned beds,
you see a third bed that has an extra trunk that
neither of you guys recognize. In the bed, it's
unkempt. It's not made. It looks like it was
You know, recently slept in. I don't want to
live with somebody messy. Well, I guess we'll
just have to make the best of it. Everything
should be fine, right? It should be. Mero's going
to go to sit down on his bed and one of the legs
are just going to bust out and his bed's going
to be all crooked. Aww. Okay, I'll take that.
I'll take that. And I feel like the bed whimpers
a little bit. You say the leg breaks off. It
kind of like... It's like everything's made out
of mimic here, Tilly. It's very scary. Oh, well,
in that case, I mean, I might as well try. I'm
going to walk up to my bed and I'm going to stroke
and be like, hello there. Nice. Could I have
some, a bit more foresty, please? This is weird,
but make me a time rule. Difficulty six. That's
a four and a one, which makes it a six. That
is a six. Which is perfect. You say forestry.
What do you mean by that? And right before our
eyes, the bed is going to transform more into
like a larger nest with like hay, bits of hay
and dried grass and like soft, big flowers. And,
you know, I'm used to sleeping on more earth
and ground than... You know, with a simple, like,
linen -like blanket. You know, a little sort
of home. I'm going to add to that. I'm going
to say that, magically, there are, like, poles
on the bed. And vines grow up the poles, and
then flowers come out of them. And in the center
of the flowers, they're, like, lighting up. But
you get the sense that if you were to touch the
flowers, you could turn the lights on and off
on the flowers themselves. Excellent. Yeah. No,
no, I was just going to stroke my bed after that
and be like, thank you, that is quite lovely.
The bed purrs a little bit. But now that you've
turned it into a nature -y bed, it almost sounds
like bees instead of a cat. Romero's going to
turn to his bed and kind of pet it and be like,
come on, buddy, what can you turn into? And it
just kind of growls a little bit, like... And
it's like, aww. I'm actually rather surprised
to see quite a few of my belongings have made
it there since we were thrown through a swirling
butthole to get here that essentially apparently
Samaru sent to our homes to collect our stuff.
So I go through some leaflets and some drawings,
and I have stacks of paper and books from home.
My fathers and uncles must have, when they found
out, put a bunch of their old warlock and necromancy
and wizardry tomes in there, like they were expecting
this to happen. Nice. We love that. Meryl goes
to go open up one trunk, and it's just, there's
nothing in it. So he's just like, you know, it's
fine. He goes to open up his second one. And
the only thing inside there are just some like
old, old like papers and scripts with writing
on them. That's it. I would like to say that
I actually, out of my little satchel that I've
been carrying around, I pull out Moxie, the Capybara
fairy, and I place them into my little bed nest
and they kind of just snuggle in and then root
around with their nose a bit. Back to you, Wildthorn.
Now, you see, you're not assigned to the student
dorms. Instead, you've been given your own luxurious
professor's quarters. But unfortunately, the
school's idea of luxury is deeply questionable.
As you eventually get over to your side of the
school in the castle, you get into your professor
quarters and get familiarized with them. You
see the ceiling is slightly too low. in your
office room just kind of enough to make you feel
like you gotta crouch a little bit but sometimes
you can stand up all the way and the bed itself
is actually suspended from the wall vertically
and you gotta pull it down to be able to sleep
on it there is no desk instead there is a sentient
quill that floats around the room and it Kind
of whispers passive -aggressively to you, you
know, about grading papers and how you should
be grading papers. Also, your wardrobe in this
office room, it's been replaced by a wardrobe
of full identical outfits, each slightly more
ill -fitting and awkward than the last. One sleeve
is bigger than the other sleeve, etc. And as
you are inspecting these... This room's many,
many quirks. There is a sharp knock at the door.
Hello? Yes, hello. Please open the door. Can
I ask who it is? It is Professor Caldora Hexworth.
Oh, one moment, Professor. I was already naked.
Give me just a second. Yes, please hurry. It
should only take a second. We are magic, after
all. Of course, yes. No, I mean... You hear her
foot tapping the hardwood floor. Alright, calm
down, calm down. I'm totally dressed, but I'm
making a scene. Alright, calm down, calm down.
No, no, not hard. Don't be hard. Grandmother,
puppy's dying. The world ending dramatically.
Hello, Professor! Hi, yes, good to see you. You
open the door, you see she's got a... scowl on
her face. She seems very impatient, and she says,
I assume you're settling in. Please try not to
set anything on fire, of course, unless you're
meant to. Of course. Anything else? Like, what,
uh, what's that? In the middle of your anything
else, she shoves into your hand a scroll that
is labeled Lesson Plans Required in big red letters.
Yes. And as you look at it and you read that
it says that, it immediately bursts into flames.
And she goes, ah, yes, that happens. Well, good
luck today, Professor Thorne. Please follow the
syllabus and teach your students well. We'll
be watching you. Of course. And just for clarity,
I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. It's
Professor Scoutmaster Walport. Love you. All
right, X -Worth. You keep doing you, baby girl.
All right. And with that, she waves her wand
around her head and she just vanishes. Oh, my
God. Shut the door. Take a second. Wait. Take
my wand out. Point it at the door. Think better.
Put it back. Oh, my God. Nice. Fuck, everyone
here is so uptight. God damn. You can do this.
You can do this. You can do this. Very good.
Okay, so you guys have the opportunity to relax
here in the luxurious things that were provided
to you for the night here by Brimstone's University
of Mystics. You have the opportunity just to
relax. In this situation for college. where I'm
basically having to watch. Like, I would imagine
that instead of me personally walking out and
checking and walking by each door and making
sure that everything sounds okay and is okay,
like you have to do in college for that type
of position, it's literally my, it's Billy, the
beta. Just a floating ball of water. Just a floating
blue ball. I will say, you two. that are in your
dorm together, Miro and Tilly. There is a large
table in your dorm room, and it is outfitted
with, you know, plates and forks and stuff like
that, like room for eating. And as you guys are
just sitting there, you begin to hear a noise,
like an animal noise. Hello. Hoo -hoo. Moxie,
sick him. No, I'm just kidding. No, I'll approach
the sound. I'll get out of my bed where I've
been cuddling with my wonderful little capybara.
I'll approach the sound. We're going to do a
check. Make me a brains check. Difficulty of
six. Brains it is. That is a 14. That's... Really
good. That's exceptional, actually. So, as you
stand up, you see it right away. This noise.
It seems to be coming from an archway. And as
you get around the archway, you can see that
perched atop of the archway is a stone -bound
owl. It's a small owl -like figure. This one
seems to be carved out of some kind of weird
crystal. And as you get closer, it flutters its
wings. you know, makes that crystalline noise.
And he goes, hoo -hoo! Hello. Are you part of
the decor normally? Are you some kind of fancy
alarm clock? Hello. A part of the decor normally
I am not. Not an alarm clock. Well, then, what
can we do for you, my friend? Hoo -hoo! For you,
my friend, you cannot. But me, for you, I can.
And what would you like to provide? Provide?
Well, advice knowledge announcements what is
your purpose at this moment then what are you
here to tell us now at this moment it continues
and it's like repeating your accent back to you
like almost mocking you like saying the exact
words that you are saying but adding and subtracting
onto them but it's like my purpose this moment
mortal forms require sustenance Ah, dinner. Yes,
lovely. When is dinner and how do we acquire
it? Now, here, your room. It's late. Oh, you're
here to take a dinner order? Marrow, are you
hungry, darling? Dinner order I will take? I
am parched. Parched, he is. What would you like?
The beautiful owl would like to take our dinner
order. Uh... Can I get two French toasts with
eggs over easy, two sausage links, a side of
bacon, and sourdough toast? Two French toasts,
two eggs over easy, two sausages, and a side
of French toast. You forgot the bacon. I forgot
the bacon. Could I just have a soup? If you have
minestrone, that'd be lovely. Some soup, some
bread. And a nice little mug of tea, please.
Soap, minestrone, coming up with tea. And it
like flutters its wings. It glows a little bit
like this crystal like glow of like this beautiful
magic. And before you can even turn around, you
look at the table that I previously explained
and the food is already there. Oh, fantastic.
Well, I'm going to call after it. I know it's
already gone away, but thank you, owl friend.
Lovely to have you. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, it is part of the decor then. Oh. Not decoration,
no. All right, so we'll sit down to a lovely
meal then. Okay, any questions, anything, feel
free to ask. Just got a call. When do classes
start, tomorrow? In the morning. And what time
do they begin? Bright and early. When you awake,
sunrise. Okay. Mero, do you have any questions
for the owl? Can we set an alarm clock 30 minutes
before class starts? With the bird. We'll set
an alarm clock 30 minutes with the bird before
class starts. Fantastic. You better hurry up.
Fantastic. Food's getting cold. Food's getting
cold. Food's getting cold. I'm going to sit down
with Marrow then. We'll enjoy our meal. Good.
You guys begin eating. We're going to cut over
now to Professor Wildthorn as you're sitting.
on the floor in your awkward room so crisscross
applesauce middle of the floor i've moved all
the furniture to the edges of the walls so there's
absolutely it's it's very like almost serial
killer -esque we'll call it that and um uh it
but it's weird because from that it's almost
like from where i've been sitting for i don't
know about 10 minutes Nature has, it's almost
like nature exploded in my room. There's a full
on like tree growing in the corner with a canopy.
There's vines, there's undergrowth. There's a
couple of different ferns. There's mushrooms
of different sizes. My, what was a bed has now
decayed and turned into just a giant mushroom.
And so I've been, I've been just kind of, and
I haven't actually been trying. I've just been
sitting here actually just cleaning out my pipe
and I look up and go. So this is like accidental
magic that's happening around you? Accidental.
It's kind of what I'm teaching or going to try
to teach. Pierre, very quiet tap at your door.
Billy kind of goes under the door and like peeks.
Since you could send him off to do whatever you
want him to do, right? That's kind of like the
rules of the system. So he rolls back to you
and tells you that he sees an owl. I'll open
the door. With my wand. Or just actually not
even with my wand. I go to grab the wand and
I barely do it and the door opens. Hello? Yes?
As you look out, it's not like a nice crystalline,
you know, owl that the students have. It seems
to just be an old rusty stone owl. It's not even
a personal owl in your room. It's like on the
wall across and it twirls its head in a complete
circle and then sees you and just like blinks
its eyes at you. Who do you? Go back to you.
Sweet. Well, did you need something? What you
offering, friend? I'm offering friendship, I
think. Hell yeah. You know, I've met many owls,
honestly. First wooden one, stone. Yeah, pretty
cool. I am I, wood, stone. I have advice, thoughts,
processes. I can get you food. Directions to
the bathroom. I think Brimstone mentioned this.
Oh, yeah. So can I get for dinner? I'm going
to take the blue dragon hot pot. For dinner.
Blue dragon pot. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Cool. And
then also, like, what? Blue dragon pot? The blue
dragon hot pot. That's what it says. Yep. And
so like get it because it's like an ice dragon,
but I'm putting it in hot soup. That's it's going
to taste great. Okay. There you go. You're figuring
it out with me. All right. And then I'm also
going to need two gallons of hot cocoa. Oh, okay.
Two gallons of cocoa. Absolutely. And one marshmallow.
One marshmallow. Okay. Feeling spicy tonight.
Thank you. Okay. Spicy. You turn around. You
look in your room. As you shut the door, there
is a cauldron in the shape of a blue dragon.
There is a bag of ice. There is two wooden buckets
full of powdered cocoa and one giant marshmallow.
I immediately giggle and go, perfect. Nice. You
get closer to the marshmallow and the marshmallow
is spicy. Fantastic. Used here like, I guess
you would cut to black and the outside of the
room, the last thing the owl hears is like, all
right, let's get cooking. He's going to do so
good this year. Okay. You guys end your nights.
Mero. You find it difficult to sleep on a bed
that's kind of crooked, but after a while you
adjust. You've slept in worse. You absolutely
have. But as you're sleeping, I need you to make
me a grit roll, please. Just do me a grit roll.
I'm not going to give you a target. God, that's
a three. That's a three. Okay. All right. As
you sleep, Mero, the room around you is silent.
Tilly's deer feet kick a little bit on the hay,
and the enchanted window flickers between moonlit
forests, stormy seas, and a swirling void of
nothingness before the window sets down on pure
darkness. A deep chill creeps through the dormitory
here. And as you are awake, but also not awake,
the darkness curls around your bed like fog.
To the fire in the hearth that's still burning
bright. You can kind of see through the fog like
purple. And then there's a whisper. Soft at first.
Like the rustling of old parchment. Then louder.
Closer. Closer. And you hear, you do not belong
here. And then you blink. And then suddenly,
you're no longer in the dormitory. You're standing
in the grand hall of Brimstone's University.
But it's empty. Hollow. Rotting. The floating
chandeliers hang crooked and cracked, their flames
cold and gray, the walls pulse as if breathing.
The massive stone doors at the end of the hall
are missing, revealing only an endless void beyond.
The sky above is not a ceiling that you remember,
but a swirling abyss of black mist flickering
with distant shapes, figures, shadows, things
watching. Then you notice something. Something
worse. The paintings along the walls, the once
proud portraits of the headmasters and founders
are empty. The figures that should be in those
portraits are gone. No, they're not gone. You
turn around, they're standing behind you. The
voices, a sea of faceless robed figures stand
at the edge of your vision. When you turn your
head, they disappear. You can see them in your
peripherals. They watch you in eerie silence.
They do not move. They do not breathe. Then one
of them steps forward. Its robes are tattered
black as a starless night, but its hands are
bones. Its jaw unhinges slightly as it speaks
in your very own voice. And it says, you're already
dead. You try to move, but your legs do not respond.
You look down and you see your own skeletal fingers.
Your arms stripped of flesh. Your reflection
in the polished floor is nothing more than a
skull. Once again, the skeleton says, you would
never have been to last this way. But you will
last forever. The faceless figures tilt their
heads in unison. Then they begin to laugh. Low
at first. Then higher. Hysterical. And then mocking
laughter. The walls begin to close in. The ceiling
cracks and crumbles. The shadows lurch forward.
And you awaken. Asping. Drenched in cold sweat.
And the whole room is quiet. The enchanted window
is reset to a peaceful moonlit meadow. And on
the desk right next to your bed. is a single
scrap of parchment that you do not remember having.
It now sits there. As you pick up the parchment
and read it, there's one single word written
in black ink that drips fresh. And as you read
the word, you hear the word out loud, like coming
from a vent. It says, Soon. Soon. Tilly, you
hear this word out loud. Soon. It awakens you
from your peaceful slumber. Mero, you all right?
Oh, you know, nightmares. If you ever had a chance,
would you try to live forever? I don't know.
It depends. If I had accomplished everything
that I wanted to accomplish, then probably not.
But if I still had more to do, I might seek out
a longer life. But what if you didn't have a
choice and you were more or less cursed to live
forever? I imagine I'd make peace with it eventually.
I don't think peace is meant for our kind of
life, Tilly. And Meryl's just going to kind of
roll back over away from Tilly. Just kind of
like just like sit there and tether at the crumpled
notes that he has. Nice. Just kind of tearing
it into little pieces of like anxiety and nervousness.
Love that. Love that. The other two sleep like
gall darn babies as if magically a sleeping spell
has been put on you. You sleep beautifully, like
as if you were given magical slumber to help
you awaken at the break of daylight to begin
the day. It's beautiful. Can I actually say that
I wake up before the break of day because deer
don't require that much sleep. Deerling don't
require much sleep. So I whisper to the bird
early in the morning. Hey, good morning. Could
we have an eggs benedict, a couple of small pieces
of bread, some assorted juices and a large helping
of bacon, sausages, fried potatoes. And why not
a tortilla on the side? Tortilla. I will send
down to the chefs immediately. Everything else
has been added to your table. Thank you. Talking
in a cool voice, his head spins on the archway
and he says, today we will be attending our first
classes. Don't be late. Your class schedule has
been added to your pockets. I'm wearing a dress.
I don't have pockets. Intriguing. This is just
that awful reoccurring nightmare where I'm trying
to find my class, but I can't figure out what
my schedule is. Right. So after the bird tells
us that our food has arrived, I walk to Mero's
bed because I know he had a rough night and I
lightly stroke his shoulder and I go, Mero. Oh,
hello. I've got breakfast if you're interested.
Oh. That's great. Our second day begins in the
morning as you two sit at the table together.
You're eating food and doing whatever you like,
of course, discussing tortillas and what have
you. And both of you guys pull out your class
schedules. They are on these full -on scrolls
that you can open. They've got scroll pieces
on both sides. And as you're looking at your
class schedules, they seem to be rotating. magically.
And each different class schedule just appears
at the top. And there are a bunch of different
classes. Now you currently can't see the class
that Wild Thorn has discussed to you yet, but
there are a bunch of other classes for you to
take as the first one in the morning. As if magically,
whichever class you decide to take of importance
will kind of be there at the time that you need
to take it. Now the five classes that are on.
Your schedules, of course, are intro to fireproofing
101, summoning for beginners, cursed objects
and you, enchanted cooking, time travel. Ethics.
And of course, the sixth one is unethical necromancy.
Tilly, what's your first class? I'm thinking
cursed objects and you. Yeah, cursed objects
and me. Oh, that sounds like your life story
from what I've accrued. Well, bad things happen
to everybody, so it's fine. Yeah, that's fair.
But yeah, I'd like the idea of no object is truly
cursed. You know, it's just in how you spin it.
It's just in how you treat it, you know? You
could make a curse work for you with the right
know -how. Uh, I wish I kind of had that optimism.
I mean, listen, I mean, it's the same thing with
like, if you have a spell book, right? Like you
take this spell book and I reach over to like
where my bed is and I bring out a spell book
of one of my father's spell books. And I'm like,
now, if you flip the book upside down and perform
the ritual backwards, you can make the same exact
thing happen as if you performed it normally.
Some people say you'll get a curse out of it,
but. I feel like if you had enough conviction,
you could make it happen correctly. What was
that spell that Grandmaster taught? Scoutmaster?
Philosopher Master Scout? Scout? What was his
name? Should it be a teacher? Is a teacher? Professor
Scoutmaster Wildthorne. Yeah, he taught us the
spell yesterday. Levitatis. I can never fucking
pronounce a word backwards, even if I've ever
attempted it in my entire life. But Mero is going
to pronounce that backwards. And make me a charm
roll. Wave your wand and make me a charm roll.
Levitatis. What would that be backwards? Class,
you want to help? Levitatis. What did you get?
A 12? 12. Very good. So you wave your wand and
you say, Seattle. And you wave your wand. Seattle.
And as if magically, because you succeeded on
this, you disappear through the floor. You were
sitting at the table with Tilly and you just
disappear through the floor and you land at a
table in a dorm that was underneath you. And
sitting at the table all around are two other
witches and two other wizards. And as you land
there, they go, um, hello? Did... Did the owl
summon you? No, the owl didn't summon me. Hello,
Merrill Wilson, upstairs neighbor. Man, isn't
magic funny? And then I'm going to try and use
levitator. Fuck, I don't even remember what it
was. Anyways, you guys enjoy your breakfast.
Mero's going to grab an orange and just bite
it completely, peel and all, not just being like,
I don't even like oranges. And then he's going
to run out of the room. If you want to try, you
can roll charm again to go back up to the floor.
Levitatus. Difficulty 10. That's a five. You
go, uh, everything's normal. You bite the orange,
you go, levitatis! And nothing happens and you,
uh, you pick up your robes and then just run
out the door. What do you got, Ray? Is this thing
in the system, like, because he's cast it now,
like, a couple of times, does that DC lower eventually?
It does indeed. Yeah, it does indeed. But even
still, with a five. Oh yeah, I was just curious
how that worked. You run out the door. Just tripping.
Okay. And then run all the way back upstairs
and then back into the room and be like, Tilly,
you would not believe what just fucking happened.
Oh, you have to tell me. This sounds wonderful.
Well, the downstairs neighbors are awesome. It's
a piece of orange. You guys have your first class
selected. Now, we cut over to Wildthorn. Wildthorn,
you've woken up. You've put on your robes. They're
real weird fitting. Like for some reason this
time around, there's like way too much bosom
and way not enough stomach. So it's like real
tight and your bosom is huge and it just doesn't
fit right. And you're like, what in the heck?
Now, before you leave your room... Ask your breast
implants. Is there anything that... Yeah, no,
literally. Get out of my head. Please get out
of my head for just a second. That'd be great.
Is there anything you want to do before you exit
your room? Okay, you open the door to your dorm.
Another morning at Brimstone. You're immediately
greeted by Headmaster Brimstone, the 39th, laying
only in his tighty -whities on the floor in front
of your door. Sleeping. And Grandmaster? He awakens.
And as soon as he sees you, he magically appears
right behind you. And he goes, do you know who
stole all of the oranges from the kitchen? I
have it on good authority that the person you're
looking for is Vita. Vita. Vita. I will get this
Vita. Yeah. Vita MC is the full name. The wrath
of Bartholomew Brimstone the 39th. The citrus
makes noise. Vita MC. Vita MC. Vita MC. Why does
that sound so familiar? I know that person. Well,
thank you. Professor Scoutmaster Wildthorn, hope
you enjoy your first day. I was actually here.
to tell you and i didn't want to miss you on
your way out i was here to tell you that it has
been requested that you actually sit in on the
cursed objects in you class this morning before
you teach your own class sure yes i would love
to absolutely so professor hex was going to come
but she seems a little crabby these days and
sometimes i like to handle things myself So here
I am. Thank you, Headmaster. We will do our best
to shape the fragile minds to do things good.
Huh. Very good. Then he appears right behind
your betta fish and he goes, Iggy Chiggy Choo.
Well, I'll see you next time for some more. And
he vanishes. And all that's left behind is a
floating pair of undies. I'm going to grab them,
throw them back in the room, and then close the
door and go. As you're leaving, your owl's head
spins. Good morning. Good morning. I'm going
to call you Carl. Good morning, Carl. Well, I've
never had a name before in all my years. Thank
you. Really sad. Anyway, have a good day, Carl.
See you tonight. Carl. Carl. As you're walking
away, he's just saying his name in different
cadences. Carl. Carl. It's official. I will die
for this fucking owl. Cool. Glad we established
that very early on. You three, almost magically,
round your way through the windy, windy columns
and castles and archways of this beautiful area,
eventually making it to the cursed objects in
you classroom. Now, the door to the classroom
is unlike the others. It's warped. twisted and
converted with weird, strange, glowing runes
flickering between different forms, sometimes
wooden. The plaque above the door constantly
changes as well. It changes names as if the classroom
itself is never quite sure what it should call
itself. Inside, you can see for a second, it
looks cold. Good morning, Mr. Wilson. Good morning
to you, Miss Lockwood. Morning. Good morning,
Thorn Professor Master Scout. Professor Scout
Master. Wild Thorn. Wild Thorn Scout Professor
Master. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're not going
to. We're not. No, no, no. Let's do this right.
Professor. Say it with me. Professor. Very good.
Scout Master. Scout Master. Wild. Wild. Thor.
Thor. Scout. Professor. Scoutmaster. Wild. Thor.
Scout. Professor. Scoutmaster. I lost track.
Weep -a -boo. Very good, Mr. Wilson. Very good.
Well. While they're doing this, I've entered
the classroom. Nice. When you try to enter, the
rooms reject you. Oh, that's lovely. Cue stroking
the door. I'm going to stroke the wood. I'm going
to stroke the wood and be like, what does it
take to get inside your head, darling? Professor
Scoutmaster Wildthorne, you see a witch with
a wand in her hand. Instead of using magic, she
is rubbing the wood of the door. That's very
good, Miss Lockwood. What are you wanting in
this moment? Describe it to me, out loud. What
do you wish would happen? Well, ideally, I'd
like... The door to unlatch and swing open and
allow us to enter the classroom. So what would
you say to it? What would you do? Think it. And
do it. Don't just imagine it in your head. Just
manifest it. All right. I'm going to internally
manifest. Hello, you ruggedly strong piece of
old wood. I would love to go to class, you know,
so... Show my family that I'm going to be just
as powerful as any of them. Like, listen, you
could let me in, couldn't you? Yes. Am I doing
magic wrong? And so I can actually, as part of
my abilities, I can roll my stat die and magic
die and add them together and put it towards
Tilly, whatever type of check Tilly needs to
succeed here. Nice. I imagine it's charm since
I'm trying to woo the pants off of the door.
Sure. I'll take it. It's going to be a charm
roll. Since you're trying to woo it, it's going
to be difficulty 18. Wow. Well, that was an 11.
Plus Professor Wildthorn's roll, which is a 17.
In total, you got a 28, even though that was
a hard roll. The door. shutters your very existence
you seem to woo the door the runes on the door
grow into a face a face like no other a face
with a smile in a scowl a face like it's flirting
back at you a face with eyebrows it looks like
you know you ever seen that fuckboy pose on tiktok
the door is doing that with its very own hinges
very good The door does not speak for it has
no vocal cords, but it opens. And as it does,
it winks. It groans. I give it a polite little
tap, like playful slap on one of its cheeks on
the door and be like, I'll see you later. And
just continue on into the classroom. Nice. You
walk in through the door and the door slams behind
you and turns back into ruins, leaving the other
two outside. Well, Mr. Wilson, looks like you
need to figure out how to get into the room there.
Quickly, Wilson, roll me a brawn check. No, sorry,
grit. Roll me a grit check. Brawn? Grit. Grit.
Yeah, this is sixth. There's a vent down below
to the right of the door. You hear a whisper
coming from the vent. Scout Professor Scoutmaster
Thornwild. What if we tried using the little
tiny trapdoor right next to the big door? The
one that talks. Do I perceive anything? You do
not hear the whispering talking. You do not.
This student is pointing at a vent. Mr. Wilson,
what do you hear? Tell me. What is it saying?
Well, it's telling me to use that door to go
over there. So I'm going to try that one. You
know, I mean, if the door, you know, things around
here talk to us, whether we like it or not, then,
uh, you know, let's like, let's go see what he's
got to say. You know, yes, that's, yeah, things
normally don't talk to people here. You get down
on your knees, Mero. You pull the door off, the
vent door off of it, and you see that you might
be a little too large to fit in there. Hey. Uh,
um. Can I... Go with your gut. First thing that
comes to your face. Right here. First thing that
pops in your skull. Scoutmaster, what's like
a minimized spell to make myself smaller? Smaller.
Come on. Make me a flight check. It's going to
be flight. This is movement. You change the size
of your body. I can help. Difficulty. I'm trying
to help. I'm bad at flight. I literally rolled
two ones. Plus four. That's a seven. We've got
adversity tokens. Can I use my adversity? Yeah,
can I use my adversity token? I'll spend some.
I got the runes right up here. Nice. You may
discard any number of adversity tokens. Each
token adding plus one to the roll. All I need
is one. As with age bonuses, these are lucky
rules. So I just dropped the one that I won earlier,
or Professor makes it happen. You go smaller,
it doesn't work, and then you shake your wand,
and when you spend your adversity token, some
black ichor comes out of your wand, like you're
forcing it out, like you're mad at it. You're
like, come on! And it pushes on your body, like,
and pushes you down. You're real small. And then
you walk over, and you realize that the grate
is now above you, and you jump up, grab the ledge,
and pull yourself into the grate. And you turn
around, and you see huge Professor Scoutmaster
Wildthorn standing there. Very good. The vent
here... Hop up on top of his fire ferret. And
then we're just going to kind of like ride the
fire ferret into the vent. Nice. Nice. Until
you're on the inside and you see a bright fire
coming from inside the vent. And then the door
falls off. And then out jumps Mero. And as you
jump out of the vent, there's just black ichor
all over the floor. And then from the ichor forms
Mero. Back to normal size. That was fantastic.
How did you do that? Scout Professor Wildthorn
taught me a new spell. It's called Smaller, and
it just kind of makes yourself smaller. Are we
going to talk about the fact that you've seduced
two pieces of furniture since we've been here?
Three if you count the broom shop. Moving on.
We cut back out to the outside when Professor
Wildthorn aimed the door. You. understand these
runes you know how to just open the door yeah
it's like show my teachers show my teacher's
badge yeah yeah exactly you're like i know this
you like tap your wand on some of the runes and
then the door just opens for you um just works
out and you just walk inside now anti -climatic
there on your part, but whatever. No, no, that's
what I actually thought was going to happen,
yeah. Hell yeah. Point is, point is, Mero, if
it comes from nature, I can woo it. inside the
room is cold too cold the walls are lined with
shelves of ominous looking trinkets of all different
kinds and each one of them humming with a different
kind of energy or glowing a different strange
mystical color some objects though are locked
in glass cases while others are floating freely
and some of them are wrapped in chains of glowing
signals all around The light in the room is never
consistent. It flickers between warm candlelight
and unnatural green -blue light, depending on
who is up and walking around in the room. There
is a massive chalkboard at the front of the room
that looks familiar to earlier that day. Writing
on the chalkboard says, if you hear whispers,
do not respond. Underneath that, the chalkboard
writes out, do not name the doll. After that,
it writes out, do not let the mirror know that
you see it. And of course, there are seats and
desks all about. Well, I've already taken my
seat, so I'm kind of smack dab in the middle
of the classroom at a long table with a couple
of chairs around me. To the next tilly. Just
like. And I look to like where next to the chalkboard,
there's like like a couple of stools off to the
side for like, you know, the. I guess, sit -in
teacher or however. I don't know why I'm here.
I'm just here. Nice. Entering into the room is
your guide to chaos. Professor Drelga, as the
chalkboard writes on by itself. She is a short,
hunched, and perpetually exhausted looking person.
Her hair is... A wild gray mess. Her robes are
patchwork from different fabrics, of course,
likely from old protective garments or runes
of some kind. As she turns and looks at the class,
you can see that her left eye is completely missing
and replaced with a small swirling void that
also seems to occasionally blink, oddly. And
she speaks slowly. I want to be this woman. She
speaks slowly. carefully like someone who has
survived for way too many magical disasters and
as she sighs professor drelga says welcome to
the cursed objects in you if you're in this class
it means you are either very brave or very very
stupid and she waves her hand and a wooden cabinet
slams open on its own revealing a collection
of some of the worst mistakes in magical history
professor drelga says out loud my way of teaching
is a hands -on experience the best way to learn
is by doing or in this case by touching go ahead
students pick one And a bunch of the students
stand up and pick different cursed objects to
study and inevitably regret touching. As you
two stand up and approach, you can see there
are a couple of different objects left in there.
There is a mirror, a mask, a doll, a coin, a
candle. As you guys are choosing and looking
through the thing, she walks back over to Thorn.
She sits down next to you and she says, You must
be careful with these students. They are powerful.
Some dark. Some lightning. Last year, at the
university, there were mistakes, rumbles. If
you come across any kind of odd student's darkness,
unspoken things. Right. So, like, if I was to
meet a student who was, like, hearing voices
in their, like, head and, like, from different
areas or items, like, I would definitely need
to report that to you. Correct. Yes. Yes, I will
let you know right now, Professor Draven, I have
not met a single student that meets that description
as of yet. But if I meet one that just really
creeps me out in a bad way, I'll let you know.
Good. Good. All right, everyone grabs their objects,
and you guys sit down. It looks like Mero, you
have grabbed the doll, and Tilly, you've grabbed
the mirror. But I was smart, and I picked it
up with a bit of fabric instead of my own bare
hand. Nice. Droga walks over to you first, both
of her eyes wide open, as she looks at you. in
the mirror, Tilly. And she says, whatever you
do, do not wink at the mirror. The last student
who winked at this mirror never stopped winking.
And as you look into the mirror, you can see
it's a small handheld mirror that's cracked.
And no matter where you turn it, your reflection
in the mirror is always looking directly at you.
And your reflection blinks completely out of
sync. From your blinking. Which is odd, because
you never see yourself blink. But in this mirror,
you can. What wonderful eyelids I have. Yes.
Why, perchance, did you pick this mirror, Tilly?
Vanity? No, I don't think so. I think it was
more the fact that there was a rule on the board
about a mirror that intrigued me to it that I'd
like to learn more about the thing that it had
a direction against. Okay. Then she walks down
to the next person who happens to be Mero. And
as soon as she sees you holding the doll, she
says, Do not name that doll. Hey, is this doll's
name Artemis? Because that's what it says on
it. This small handmade doll has buttoned eyes,
stares at you. When you say, is this doll's name
Artemis? It whispers back in your ear and it
says, Meryl Wilson. Yeah, that is my name. It
tilts its head as if slightly amused. I think
I found a new friend. Professor, do you care
to elaborate? I've only heard of what happens
when you name the doll. I am afraid to say its
name. You are... I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt
your class. The doll pulses a little bit. And
every candle flickers. Every floating quill stops
in midair. And the doll tilts its head. Its buttoned
eyes glisten. And it reflects something that
isn't in the room. And it whispers, once again,
your name. Meryl Wilson. And the temperature
drops. The air grows thick. And the doll moves
in your hand. Not much. A tiny twitch of its
hand. A barely noticeable shift of its posture.
But it wasn't moving before. And Professor Droga
speaks up. She slams a gloved hand on your desk.
And she starts muttering a string of incantations.
And the runes on the wall glow green. And she
goes, It's not working. It's not working. She
gestures sharply. And the ring of protective
sigils flare. And for a second, it almost looks
contained in the doll. And once again, it says,
Mero Wilson. Once it does, the barrier of sigils
around the room cracks. And you feel something,
Mero, in your body, cold. Something curl around
your wrist like an invisible chain tightening.
The reflection on the mirror now shows Mero's
face. Every reflection in the room now shows
Mero's face. Everyone in this room no longer
has shadows except Mero. And his shadow is the
biggest of them all. In your hand, the doll says
it one more time. Mero will say. This time it
disappears out of your hand. Congratulations,
Mero. You now have a permanent problem. And she
jumps into a cabinet and shuts the door. She's
gone. What an absolute... I hate you. What the...
Can I go over to the cabinet? I'm guessing he's
gone. This is what's supposed to happen. Everybody
gets one action. Oh, we get an action. Everybody
gets one. I'm just going to because we need to
put a timetable on this. So everybody gets one
thing. So the doll has disappeared. That's what
I'm hearing. The doll is gone. The doll is gone.
I'm going to spend one of my adversity tokens.
And with my intuitive feet, I can spend one of
those to ask the GM about my surroundings and
NPC or the like. And the GM must answer honestly.
Nice. What's your question? So I'm going to try
to intuitively. figure out this is the first
class. These items should not be this bad. Is
this all for a show? I want to know, again, is
there a simple solution to this, or is this something
to actually worry about? Because to me, in my
head, I'm like, there's no way this teacher is
just going to let these students take the most...
Awful thing possible. Brimstone's University
of Mystics. Okay. This is a real problem. The
cursed character picked up a cursed item and
did the cursed thing. This is a problem. This
is like the first class. This is like the equivalent
of taking a kindergartner to school and being
like, alright kids, so here's a gun. Don't run
with scissors, children. I get it, but that's
what's happening here. We're in fantasy world.
The whiteboard said, don't name the doll. Fishy
said, bad. I don't know what to tell you. It's
not a problem that can't be solved. Okay, so
I guess that's what I want to use that point
then is like, is there a way to intuitively recognize
as a teacher what we need to do here before things
get bad. As previously stated, you can see that
Mero's shadow has grown huge. And intuitively,
as a teacher, you know that something to do with
darkness. I guess as a help, light may help you.
Gotcha. Then I'll just, my last little bit is
yell out. All right. Do you give in to the darkness
or do you show the light? It's your choice, Mr.
Mero. Well, there's not a lot of darkness around
me as far as I can see, so I'm going to have
to choose light. All right. What do you do, Mero?
Anything? Anything to prep here? Remember what
I told you. Is there any way... Ah, right. Smaller.
And then cast himself smaller. Which, if you
think about it, Since he's smaller, his shadow
would cast potentially less. Yeah, that's true.
That's very true. Okay, this is, again, a flight
roll this time. Half you did successfully before.
We'll call it, what, a three? B to three. Sick.
I rolled a three. Nice. Okay. That's a three.
Perfect. You, smaller. Icker comes out and gets
you smaller in the room. All the other students
back up to the edge. Tilly, what do you do? I'm
going to pull out my wand and I'm going to do
a little twirly -whirly. And keep in mind what
Wildthorn said about manifest what you want.
And I'm using the wand as a focus point because
at this point it's an emergency. So I should
probably use something that will heighten my
focus. And I'm going to say illuminate room.
Nice. Illumination would be a charm roll. Illuminate
room. I think that's probably a spell. Smell
spell. Yes. It might not be a spell, but I'm
more focusing what I want on, you know, because
I do have forest magic normally. So, you know,
just let's see what happens. I was going to call
it a 10. That's an 11 because you're dealing
with magical darkness here. And an 11, that's
going to succeed. And in a nature -y kind of
way, I want to assume that you summon. So what
happens is these vines sprout from my wand and
attach themselves to the ceiling and almost like
a moon flower open up and a little glistening
ball of light emerges from it and floats all
around the room, multiple different bits that
just keep dripping out of the flowers and creating
more light orbs. In this room. You've now covered
it in light. Mero is smaller. His shadow is now
half the size. Still extremely huge, but half
the size. And from his shadow, you hear... Mero
Wilson. Mero Wilson. Mero Wilson. And then from
this, like, cutaway in the room, this, like,
shadow... turns into, like, this demon -looking
thing that's all black. You ever seen, like,
Kingdom Hearts? It's got, like, yellow eyes,
but it's, like, all black, and it's, like, half
the size, and it's avoiding the light. And there's
just, like, one little section where it's over
there, and it just bursts. Oh, darling, you're
wonderful. Look at you. You're beautiful. Give
us a wink, darling. Do you want to roll me a
charm or what? Sure, why not? Sure, because that's
clever. Difficulty 14. That's an 8. 14, you absolute
bastard. Am I helping her? Can I help her? You
can if you want. Can I help her? Yeah. Plus 10.
Plus 10. The demon winks into the mirror and
then can't stop winking left and right, different
eyes. And it's like, Meryl Wilson! Meryl Wilson!
Just got to make the first things work for you.
Scoutmaster Wildthorn, what do you do? Seeing
that it is now blinking and knowing that I am,
if light is the key here, I think Scoutmaster
is, you know, again, almost in a panic trying
to think of what to do, pulls out their pipe
and, like, lights, like, a light from it, and
in doing so, like, goes to, like, light it, and
all of a sudden these embers start floating through
the air. almost like just like this, almost like
very ashen light effect. And I'm hoping because
if you ever stare at a light and then blink,
you get those little like flash floater things.
Yeah. And I'm hoping to kind of make that happen.
So the demon literally has, it's a demon of darkness,
but all it can see is light. And so I'm hoping
that maybe. I think that's really cool. I want
to say that when the embers come out. Wildthorn
sees them, and then you control them, like, with
your hand, like you're, like, moving the embers
towards the demon, and I would like you to make
me a roll to control these embers here. I'm just
saying, this is another charm roll, and we'll
call it a 12. Yes. More than a 12. It's a 19.
It's a 19. Very good. So, you move these embers
towards the demon, and it's blinking its eyes,
and it's like, eh, my roll! Wilson. And then
its voice gets a little bit more high pitched
as the shadow creature shrinks. Mero Wilson.
Mero, what do you do? Uh, I'm going to try and
like turn around. All they're going to hear is
and I'm going to grab the shadow by the neck
and I'm going to try and stuff it back into the
doll just like forcefully. Say badass. Make me
a brawn roll difficulty 12. 11. I use an adversity
token to add one. Nice. Okay. Your adversity
token, it's like the shadow darkness that's left
from the thing helps you and gives you strength.
And I'll allow you to explain how it happens.
So it's like I'm trying to put the shadow back
into the doll. Like I'm realizing it's not really
going. So out of anger, I pull out my wand and
I like go to cast like, Darkness upon darkness
to push the darkness back into the darkness of
the doll. So all the black ichor goes over top
of the shadow and like just kind of seeps it
and forces it back into the doll. Nice. Okay,
Wildthorn, you being the, you know, the professor
of this, make me a brains check real quick, just
14, just to see if you know how to reseal this
object. Yeah, so how many adversity tokens should
that take? I think, well, it would take eight.
So, you fail. You get to take an adversity token.
And as you're writhing over this thing, trying
to figure out how to re -encapsulate it, bursting
out of the wardrobe is Professor Drelga. And
she waves her wand and she says, Your name is
taken. It will not be the same. You shall no
longer have a name. Only those of fame. Remove
thy Artemis. And she pulls out like this little
bit of light from it with her wand. And then
she flicks it out the window. And she goes, that's
enough for today, class. Congratulations, everyone.
I will see you next week. Please remember not
to touch cursed objects. And when told not to
give a doll a name, please don't do so. Thank
you. Today was written on the doll. It's not
my fault. As we, I guess as we're leading, I
was like, don't worry, Mr. Wilson. I thought
that was absolutely bull. I don't know. I feel
like I've proved my point very well. You just
have to use a cursed object to your advantage.
Yes, very good, Tilly. Honestly, y 'all get it
more than most of these kids. Y 'all are going
to be fine. Professor Droga approaches you as
everyone is leaving Scoutmaster. And she says,
I hope you've learned from this example students
are not to be trusted. I feel like... You know
what? Part of me really wanted to tell you that
this was your fault as an educator to not verify
the safety of your own classroom. And maybe,
just maybe, you should actually think about the
students and their well -being instead of just
being a willy -nilly half -assed professor. But
I'm not going to do that. If you have an issue
with the way that I teach my classes, you may
submit it to the headmaster. As you're leaving,
she says that. I'll have you know that he shows
up in front of my door every morning in his underwear.
We're on a very close name basis. Good day. Good
Lord. As you guys step. Out of the classroom.
You guys are going to head now, of course, to
your very next class, which just so happens to
be the class Professor Scoutmaster Wildthorne
is going to be teaching today. But as you step
out of the classroom, the windows rattle around
you violently and magical torches flicker erratically
and the floor briefly shakes, pulsing like a
heartbeat. And then a moment later, everything
settles. Oh, my bad. I turn around and I look
at the door and be like, thank you, darling.
Sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset by not
saying goodbye. So go to and touch the door.
Why don't you make me a grit roll real quick,
Tilly? All right. Where's my grit? It's at the
very bottom. Nothing crazy. Nothing crazy. Ooh.
That's a 12. Very good. So, as you touch the
door, next to the door, there's a bookshelf.
And off of that bookshelf, there's shaking of
the castle, a book. An enchanted book flutters
to the ground out of the bookshelf, and then
it opens to a random page that reads, as you
look down at it, it reads, The Awakening Draws
Near. And then the words burn away before anyone
else can read them. Professor Scoutmaster Wildthorne,
I think some hot, garbagey shit is coming. Yeah,
no, I've been feeling it since, like, three days
ago. Hey, Mero, I'm not ratting you out. Dear
Scoutmaster. By the way, it's between you and
me. There's nothing to rat me out about. I think
I'm being really substituted. I'm like nailing
these spells. And to be honest, I feel like I
had the most hands -on training in that whole
first item class compared to anybody else. We'll
talk more in this next class. Don't worry. Oh,
wait. I'm out of tillies. Hold on. You three
are now headed together. To Wildthorne's first
lesson. And Wildthorne himself, the professor,
leads you to their class. The place that they
have designated to teach their class. The place
that they have asked for, specifically, to teach
a class. Whether that's inside, in the forest,
in the castle, in the city. Wildthorne is teaching
a class somewhere in this world. On the pitch
of the sports arena. We don't know, but Wildthorne
is leading you there. Where do you lead the students
to, Wildthorn? So this university is, again,
very chaotic. It seems that where you mean to
go is not where you mean to go. So honestly,
I tell the students that we are going to go to
my classroom, but in order to get to my classroom,
you must will yourself there. So what I would
like you to do is you must close your eyes and
just walk straight. Even if you think you're
about to hit a wall, just continue walking. Do
not open your eyes. And whenever you feel like
you are happy is when you will open your eyes
and you will be in my classroom. What if you're
clinically depressed? You will feel happy. What
if you've never felt happiness in your life?
Boy, howdy, are you in for a treat. And what
basically I would imagine this magic happens
is as you walk in your mind. Can I instigate
these two students? along with a couple others,
close their eyes and begin walking forward. Wildthorn,
you walk in the back of the pack with the opportunity
to cast magic on these students to transport
them wherever you think they should be before
they arrive there. Their eyes are completely
closed and they cannot see you, but they all
walk in unison. What do you do? Perfect. I kind
of just hoped that, again, because my whole...
class and the reason that i'm teaching it is
kind of just the way that they teach magic here
is dumb so i'm kind of literally like i want
the students to actually feel like they're going
to a class they want to go to and i'm hoping
that by closing their eyes they are able to manifest
magically what their version of happiness is
in their own brain and it could be different
for each student but as soon as that thought
hits their brain and as soon as they're able
to make peace with it A Patronus charm. And I
would like you to roll me a magic check. But
instead of anything else, this is like you reading
their auras, their minds almost. Like bubbles
are going to appear above their heads. And you
can see what they think this good class is kind
of thing. I wish it was a general magic check.
14. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. General.
General magic. Okay. Wow. That's when you can
see your, I'm going to say six students. You
can see bubbles above their heads of where they
think happiness should be. Like you've pulled
it out of them. Like I said, like a Patronus
charm. What do you see? Well, I kind of want,
well, for the three random students, one of them
thinks happiness is like being really good at
our flying broom game and then becoming a cop,
which I think is really, really weird. There's
another kid that honestly. I don't know what
his gig is, but he kind of wants to drive around
in an ice cream truck. And you know what? That's
fine. Do whatever you want to do, man. And then
the third girl, again, so she's got this really
frumpy hair. It seems like all she wants to do
is just learn forever and just study forever.
And for some reason, she's just so horny for
books. It's a little weird. Yeah, I've got these
three weirdos in my class and then I look over
to these two and I kind of would like them to
describe what their version of happiness is,
at least at this moment. Who would you like first?
Let's go with, of course, Tilly first. Tilly's
moment of happiness in her own brain is becoming
a chaotic sorceress slash wizard, whatever you
want, magic user that can command the very whims
of the universe and open portals and summon animals
and just... Just absolute chaos at any time and
being able to be one with it and understand it.
Beautiful. From this beautiful, happy, like,
thought bubble, I turn over to Mr. Olsen. Barrow's
thought bubble is going to be, it starts off
as like a, like... kind of like a burnt tree
in a barren wasteland and then suddenly like
as if like 50 years sped up over time you see
the tree go from like burnt to on fire then being
put out and then being like a luscious tree as
if it went back in time and then it's just kind
of like bird chirps and this one peach tree all
right and so um from that i would say they would
open their eyes and they would see that weirdly
enough, it looks like we are about 150 feet above
the school. And there seems to be almost like
a cloud floor underneath us. And we seem to be
in a cloud classroom, if you will, where all
of the furniture is made of different cumulus
and different rays of light come through that
seem to cause different shapes and cause different
mists. Cool. All of you guys arrived there. I
would also like to say there are desks made out
of clouds, and some of them, you know... a little
toppled over, a little bit sideways, kind of
floating. I also would like to think that there
is a, it's like an amalgamation. They didn't
know what you're really going to be teaching.
So they provided you with a lot of different
kinds of objects and stuff. So there's also a
like training area with a large stage. It's good
for spell practices and other kinds of stuff
like that. And the four students there, you only
described three, but there are four. So one of
them's a short little kid with brown hair and
he pipes up and he says, Hi, I'm Sheldon. Everyone
always forgets me. And then the cop kid steps
forward and says, Hello, I'm Thaddeus Breitenbork,
the fanciest lad. I'm here to learn of your class.
Sure. Wonderful. You step to the front of the
class as all of them take their seats. Scoutmaster
Wildthorn, what is your lecture? Uh, students,
welcome. I... Honestly, wish I could have had
you at the beginning of the day, but I was unfortunately
called to another class. Welcome to Magic and
Rethinking of Magic 101. This class is for students.
Don't mind breaking all the rules. In fact, if
you are in this class, you're going to break
every rule ever imaginable. You're going to potentially
be expelled from the school if you stay in this
class. I want to... Is that clear? So if you
don't want to be in this class, you should totally
leave now because I will get you kicked out if
you stay. I think Thaddeus stands up and says,
yeah, this is bullshit. And then he goes, what
was Descendo earlier? Oh, the reverse of Levitatis.
It's Suatataville. So he stands up and he goes,
Suatataville. And he disappears through the clouds.
Sheldon's like, uh. I'm going to start a revolution.
I'll look over to the weird redheaded kid and
the frumpy girl is like, are the two of you going
to follow your cop friend? Y 'all seem to always
be together. Frumpy girl's like, I, no, I'm not
following you. We, roommates, not the same, actually.
Here to learn. Absolutely. And she flips open
a book, ready to take notes. And the redheaded
kid's like, uh, it's on my schedule. Awesome.
All right. Well, for those of you who stayed,
congratulations, you've already passed the first
test. You know, cheers all around. You get, like,
whatever, the equivalent of an A. You already
are thinking outside of the proverbial box, if
you will. What I teach you in this class will
not get you expelled, possibly, but it's a metaphor,
Mr. Wilson. So here is the thing. They will tell
you, what is this? Please answer me. Can anyone
tell me what this is? Yes, Sheldon. He called
my name. A wand? Yes. Sheldon is a wand. And
what do we do with a wand? Anybody? Mr. Wilson.
Um. Um. Oh. I just had it. We cast things with
it. All right, good, Mr. Wilson. Yes, we cast
things with it. Now, what if I did this and I
kind of like almost go to break the wand and
they see it crack a little bit and there's like
a little bit of gold that just kind of flickers.
I'm like, hmm. I throw it to the ground and I
do coffee, please. And I'm willing a cup of coffee
to. Come to me. I'm basically, it's what an Accio
would be, I guess, in Harry Potter world, but
again, we're not touching that, so. I would say
charm 10 is a roll, but you can half that. I
will half it. Oh, I didn't even mean to click
that. All right. And a cup of coffee is wheeled
in front of you. No wand. Now. Now does a wand
help your focus on a spell if you're not good
at it? Only in your mind. To me, at least. Everyone
is different, and it takes people sometimes a
long time to practice this, but to me, this is
one of the purest forms of magic. Now, I must
tell you students that if you practice this in
front of other professors here at the university,
they're not as open to this form of magic, because
they do feel that students must be, I can't say
restrained, students must be... Yes, Sheldon.
I have a power without a wand. I can become invisible.
No one sees me. Finally. All right. Yes. So Sheldon
here has decided to open up. And that is something
that is very important in the magical world.
Because honestly, a lot of wizards, witches,
warlocks, and people of magic, you know, as a
bum, you know, would say, mystics. Sometimes
we all have unique abilities. Sometimes we have
things that just make us special. Sometimes we're
just good at one very particular thing. For me,
I love nature. I love the essence of it, but
I also love what we break nature down to, because
some people think nature is just plants and animals
and things that grow, but no, nature is existence.
This city, if you look down below you, is one
big organism that is brimming with life. There's
cultures, there's laws, there's underbellies,
there's people conniving. There's a tavern down
there where you can literally tell a story for
free drinks. Very good segue. As you all look
down to the city, there are three cockatrices
flying to the clouds. And as they arrive, stepping
off of one of the cockatrices is Professor Hex.
And she goes, hmm, well done, your classroom.
I meant to sit in on this class today, but I
could not find your classroom. It's so hard to
find sometimes, especially, you know, if you're
having a bad day. You know, I understand the
difficulty. I apologize for that. But yes, glad
you made it. Of course, we will always be here.
This is where the classroom is. And then also
stepping off of a cockatrice is the companion,
the animal handler professor. Periwinkle. Miss
Periwinkle. Miss Periwinkle steps off and she
goes, Hi, hello, Thorn. This is beautiful. Yes,
thank you, Miss Periwinkle. Of course, we aim
to please. I'm glad you got my invitation. And,
of course, I'm glad your cockatrice found you.
You just happened upon expert, too. How fortunate
for us all. Yes, she came to me and said she
needed to fly. Sorry about that. No, no, not
at all. Well, this way, ladies. She's like, continue
your class. So, children, using wands is, of
course, the most important thing you can do with
this universe. You never cast magic without your
wand, for that is what everyone should know.
And Sheldon, I'm going to use magic and already
tell you what you're going to say, and the answer
is no. Mero, I'm just going to say hold it. As
we continue this class again, I want you all
to know that everything I say is true and everything
I say definitely means what I'm telling you.
So, and I guess at this point, I'm going to do
it. I'm going to do it. I am going to cast a,
yep, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it without
my wand because, again, I'm just gestating with
it and actually casting with my other hand. I
wish to cast a sleep spell on Hexworth. Oh, jeez.
Have her nod off in my class. Nice. Okay. So
I can actually teach. All right. I believe in
this system, almost all the rolls are player
forward, right? So I don't really need to make
a save. This is like, you need to make a high
check. Yes, I need to make a very high check.
Okay, so we're going to call it a 20. And I am
studied in charm. So whatever I roll here, I
can add a plus three, too. That's a 25. Plus
328. And Hexworth nods off. Right. And I'll kind
of give Perry Winkle a little bit of a wink just
out of the corner of my eye and continue the
lecturing. So, yes, wands completely useless
and absolutely dumb. Sometimes even. Yes, Sheldon.
You just said to use them. Yes. Hexworth was
awake and she doesn't like me at all. So I didn't
want her to hear what I was teaching. So I lied
while she's. Yeah, she just fell asleep. Sometimes,
even though she tries to hate me, she just naturally
falls asleep whenever I talk. It's the craziest
thing. Now, I was going to say, while Sheldon's
looking perplexed, I'm going to be like, Sheldon,
has anybody ever told you you have beautiful
eyes? Huh? No. Well, you do. They're exquisitely
green. I love the look of them. They're like
fresh -cut grass in the forest. Thanks. There's...
Wow. I don't know how to process that. But if
you ever need any help processing, I would say
you can always find me in the dining hall sometime.
Okay. And we can discuss it. I'm feeling very
worried. Carry on, Professor. Class over. Sheldon,
not quite yet. I have two quick more things to
say. And make sure that you remember this, students,
because there will be brought about in our next
lecture, okay? So pay attention. As I was saying,
each of us have things that make us unique. Some
of these things, some people would say are good
and must be nurtured, and some of them would
say, ooh, this is bad, and you should warn us
about it, for it is evil, and we must stop it
before it becomes even more evil, right? Life
is a balance. There is both good and bad, and
even though you may have bad within you, it is
hell. use it is what matters at the end so i
am of the opinion but in this class i wish for
you to learn what it is that makes you you and
try to think of your magic in a way that maybe
a wand is but a training means to your own magical
happily ever after you find a way to make your
legacy one immortal one that will help you I
don't know. Live forever. I want you to be able
to... What if we don't want to live forever,
Scalabaster? Well, Marrow, I would say that if
you ever were in some random situation where
you had to just live forever, worry about that
when it happens. When you say, when it happens.
Professor Hex wakes up. She goes, very good.
Very good class. Very good. Thank you. Thank
you, Professor Hexworth. As always, we enjoy
having you in our class. And remember, students,
wand safety. We will be discussing that next
week. Thank you all very, very much. And have
a magical day. Nice. Nice. And... Sheldon, darling,
where are you? Where are your dorms? What dorms
are you in? What floor? You follow Sheldon over
to, I think, like, appearing is like this cloud
staircase that goes all the way down to the ground.
And you guys are walking down it together, leaving
the professors up at the top. And as you're walking,
Sheldon's like, uh, you're yours. Yes, but what
floor? You're on the same floor as us. I was
sleeping right next to you last night. You're
our roommate. Yeah. Oh, Merrill, we found our
roommate. What do you mean found? Wait, really?
Where? I was right there. Meryl was having nightmares,
and I comforted him. I was eating bacon and stuff
with you guys. Oh, my darling. I think you might
have had your invisibility activated. I didn't.
People don't see me. That sounds outlandish.
I'm usually a very keen eye. Well, I'll make
sure to notice you from now on, because you're
quite intriguing. All right. Well, let's walk
together. Show me the way. And you turn to Mero
and you give him the side eye. Like, and then
you look back. Sheldon's gone. Professor Hexworth
approaches you while torn. She goes, you didn't
light anything on fire. Your students are all
alive. Be that only six signed up for your class.
I assume more will sign up as time goes on. You
know the great word gets sent around. Very good.
The dude, the tall one, he quit already. He did
have one student drop out. He did have one drop.
She writes it down. She's like, hopefully more
come. By the end of the semester, we're hoping
that you at least have 10 students. If you want
to teach again next year, you must at least have
10 students by the end of this year. And please,
Thorn, next time, use the classrooms. Oh, I did.
This is my classroom. In the college, Thorn.
Sure. Come find me next time. Okay. thank you
and she sits on the cockatrice she's like let's
go and it flutters its wings and it flies i'll
do um all of a sudden like we're up in the clouds
and i'm just kind of sitting there in the in
the quiet and i wave my hand and all the classroom
stuff goes away and i wave my hand and all of
a sudden there's like a whole like different
scene i wave my hand and there's a whole other
different scene i'm just kind of like it's almost
like i'm scrolling through different options
and then i summon billy And I go, I think this
one. Yeah, I don't think she could find us here.
What do you think? Oh, I think it could be good.
Okay, let's do it. And I'll use my wand and you'll
just see like actually him use his wand, but
not like to cast. He just kind of stabs it into
the cloud real quick. And it's like a lightning
shoots out real quick and it'll cut. Cool. All
right. Continuing on. Mero, how do you finish?
I'm going to go back to the dorms. And then Mero's
just kind of thinking about that happy place
that he went back to. trying to understand and
he's gonna go back to his dorms he's gonna open
up that second trunk with all those parchments
kind of go through him and he's gonna pull out
one parchment that has a drawing of that burnt
peach tree and that he just kind of stares at
it and then he's gonna go and lay in his bed
fully clothed boots on and everything and just
kind of weep himself to sleep Tilly? Well, now
that I'm aware that he exists, I'm now, like,
hyper, like, paranoid that I don't notice him.
So as it comes around to dinner time, I'm going
to be like, Sheldon, what would you like for
dinner, darling? As you say that, he's sitting,
like, right next to you, and he's like, I don't
know, mashed potatoes? Do you like grilled cheese?
Do you? I do. I've only ever had, like, leftover
mashed potatoes, because that's, like, what people
don't eat. And, like, because people don't...
make food for me so like it's just like so i've
never had anything like fresh like oh well then
darling let me i've got you excuse me uh owl
hello could we have a large helping of mashed
potatoes with uh a bit of ground turkey and a
couple of grilled cheese sandwiches with some
pepper jelly a nice warm cup of tomato soup and
a couple of fizzy drinks possibly apple or grape
would be lovely he's like can do and then on
the table it just slowly starts to appear as
it like just it's like made like fresh as it
appears like as if someone in down in the kitchen
just made it prepared it and sent it and it just
appears instantly here we are sheldon and i'm
going sheldon take my hand let's go sit together
and you're like what what you're like take my
hand and then he's like okay he just appears
and he like grabs your hand what race are you
darling what wait what what species are you i'm
just a normal just i don't know what actually
i don't know what normal is i'm just human and
my mom was human what about your father i don't
know exactly who my father was because no one
told me who my father was my mom actually gave
birth to me and then Kept forgetting that I was
there. And did she remember anything about your
father or is it was just blank as well? I wonder
if it has something to do with your lineage.
Maybe. That people do not perceive you. Maybe
I'm not just human. Maybe. Let's try this food.
Yes, let's sit down. And I'm actually going to
make up a little plate and put it by Mero's bed
for him, just in case he gets a little bit peaky
in the evening. Nice. I think that's cute. And
I think you guys eat together and Sheldon enjoys
it. It's been a lot, you know, I don't think
he's ever really had hot food in his life and
totally side character, not trying to make him
a main character, but hey, everybody's got to
love Sheldon. And that's where we're going to
end the episode for tonight. That's it. Heck
yeah. Everybody watching on YouTube, subscribe.
And we'll be back for episode three very soon.
All right. See you then. See you then. Description
has everything. Thank you.