Hello! It's your boy, back again once again for another lovely installment of
Love Death and Dice, The Wild Beyond. Tonight my friends episode 11 is going to be a little
shorter episode. We will not be joined by one of the lads, Fishy. It's his son's birthday and
life comes first. You know what I mean? So he's taking his son out to have some fun for their
birthday but we are still here rolling some dice. Me, Diem Turk and the other two lads. Say hi lads.
Hi lads. Hello lads. So yeah I'd leave in one day. The Gymslade gaming just redeemed Ben Aword.
Fishy. He's not here. That's a phrase. Don't mention Fishy. He's not here. Alright we're not
allowed to say the word Fishy everybody. Yeah. I got this in the mail. Not that kind of show.
It might or may not be a Forge of Lore exclusive t-shirt. Shout out Forge of Lore y'all. Get over
there. Alright. They actually did just release new merch over there on Forge of Lore and you
also go check that shit out baby. In a realm where whimsy reigns supreme, the witchlike carnival
lights up our dreams.
Oh no. Turk's muted. Oh no.
There it goes. Hello. Welcome back my friends.
We return to our story with you two and Yawn. You have your companions with you and after a night
of something odd you rested to wake up. And as you wake up, I'll say this, as you wake up you wake
up to realize that the rock monster you may or may not have been talking to the night before has
wandered off in the middle of the night because your dungeon master decided to read from a book
and then didn't like what the book had to give him and realized that it was dumb as shit so he's
scratching all of it and we're actually doing something way more fun to proceed forward with
the story. That's what happened because I didn't like it and I don't like the outcome of it so we
are doing something completely different. So you awaken your campsite here in Yawn. You know you
must find a way to be able to get to the Hag's castle in the mountains. Maybe even find some
information of those things. The night before you did remember the rock monster throwing a rock in
a general direction and that's kind of the way that the path leads. So as you guys wake up this
morning, get everyone with you. You've got Aragon and Trinket, your little mushroom friends. It's
still raining. Is there anything you guys want to do or say before you head down the trail?
I like that we recruited Aragon from the Lord of the Rings.
Shit, it's Agdon!
Oh shit!
It's a bunny rabbit guy but he's not like
hot and he didn't break his foot kicking a helmet. I'm going to look for my loot because I seem to
have misplaced it.
You found it. There it is.
It's cool.
So on the search for answers, it continues to rain here in Yawn. Now the background is something
different because I wanted a change of visuals for today but it is still raining and thundering
here in Yawn. You guys head down the trail. A little ways down this mountain you can see
this darkened lake. The water is so dark from the clouds it almost looks black.
Can't see through the water and the rain is just raining down on it. A little
whipples from all the rain. Lightning strikes ahead but as you get closer to the shoreline
off from these mountains, there's something a little out of place. Looks like vegetation
and I want to see if you can see maybe what it is in this dark before you have to get too close.
So the first roll of the night you guys go ahead and roll me perception.
I am not a dungeon slave. I am a dungeon master. I tell you what happens and if I say rock monster
fucks off then rock monster fucks off. This is an 18 for me. I also got an 18 and Trinket got a 10.
Nice. So you guys start to approach.
It looks like this vegetation makes up on the shore something you know almost like
a bunch of little mini trees and as you get closer you can see there's like a gate made out of little
little twisty branches but it's only about three feet tall. So is these all broccoli?
Yeah they're like broccoli but there is one larger tree that almost stands as a canopy from the rain.
Kind of many all the other little branches and stuff down there are kind of shrouded from the
rain and as you guys get closer in front of this little twisty gate there's a tiny little
capybara with fairy wings and he sees you guys approaching and he's small he's like hold there giants!
Sorry I think I'm allergic to whatever you are. Maybe. Do I know you? No well I don't know do you?
You look awfully familiar. Yeah you want to make a wisdom check?
Get them ghosts out. That's right hit me. Well time sneeze!
That's a 17. Nice. His fur pattern looks familiar but he is different from the ferried capybara you
know. With his wisdom check you do know same species same kind of magical capybara that you
know of but different fur pattern definitely different capybara. Are you familiar with someone
named Toki? Toki? I don't know if he would be actually. I'm gonna call it a 50-50 chance here.
I call Lowe's. Okay.
I call Lowe's. Okay. Lowe's for yes dang that's an 82. He's like no don't think so who's that?
A fella looking awful lot like yourself but he's visited me in my dreams since I was young.
Well welcome here to the Yarn Hideaway. It's where a lot of us
smaller fairy creatures come to hide from the hag and there are a few
fairy capybara's here so if you're looking for Toki he might be here.
Well thank you. Do we have permission to enter your hideaway? Yes but you will not fit. Reiner
you can tell you'll fit right through this gateway. Maybe a little bit of a squeeze but Violet will
not fit. Okay. Man what's that on your face? You know you could just ask me if you want if I want
to be shrunk. What no seriously you got something like on your face like it's okay I'll get it and
then I do enlarge reduce as soon as I touch her. Also we did the math. Yeah what's the math? On
this half-size nonsense I'm six foot ten Reiner's two foot nine at half my size I'm still taller
than Reiner by a good eight inches. Very good. But now instead of you know getting on your knees
and crawling through the gate now you can just like duck a little so you're welcome. Yeah thank
you. You know you can just ask though that's all I'm saying you can't just ask. Hey it's fairy magic
and mischief like it wouldn't be funny if I didn't do these things. All right I'll allow it.
There you go. He wisps his magic around and you shrink down in size almost you know almost a
little bit taller than the Cappy bar itself almost eye level. He sees she both can now fit and goes
welcome to wonderland and he has this little tiny stick and he waves it and the leaves flutter
and then the branches like crawl away from the arch.
And you three look inside to see a tiny fairy civilization. There are a bunch of
campestries hopping around the tiny little mushrooms singing and high pitched voices.
Your campestry friends immediately get excited and look up at you guys. You can see there are
other fairies flying around and fluttering with their wings and dust going everywhere.
There are more Cappy bar creatures all wandering around and it looks like all of these trees are
just miniature sized trees and a lot of them actually huge mushrooms that homes have been
carved inside of and these fairies are living inside of all of these mushrooms and there is
a part of it that is right up against the water the shore and he's like go on in.
Thank you for allowing us to enter into your civilization.
You are welcome.
And I'm and I'm gonna hold trinket's hand because I imagine we're the same size now
and I'm gonna hold trinket's hand as I enter as well as my little displacing kitten with me.
Nice.
Cause now like a regular size cat to you.
Yeah.
Immediately you notice that some of the fairies are eyeballing you Reiner. They stop flying.
They fly down to the ground and they stand there their arms crossed just looking at you like.
Can I help you?
Yes.
Um.
Who might you be?
Well.
Wait is this isn't like the trick thing where like they take my name and now I'm cursed.
No they have to actually ask for your name like can I have it?
Can I hold your name?
So they said who might you be? So you're all set.
Yes I am Reiner van Ritter.
Uh I come you know tagging along with this one you know just like hanging out.
Reiner van Ritter.
Well squeeze mind balls.
Citizens Reiner van Ritter you guys it's Reiner.
And all of them are like Reiner.
They all start whispering.
He's like on this day mind balls grow ten size.
Reiner.
Reiner. You want to have Schnitzel? We eat food together.
I suck at German accents.
Just Schnitzel you speak of this is like I don't know you know.
Uh I guess like if you're willing to give us like the free food and stuff like that.
You know we could hang out and do something cool like you know smoke a cigarette or maybe like
you know party.
It's a disco.
He goes it's cool you say.
Yes cool very cool.
Okay let's do something let's do something cool.
And he like waves to his little fairy child and the child flutters inside
and comes back out with this tray of cheeses and wines.
And he's like let's say this for cool.
We have wine and cheese here on street.
Is this cool?
Yeah this is cool yeah this could be like you know a fun time maybe.
At this point hey you know what everybody in chat if you have some ideas for some fantasy
fantasy cheeses and fantasy wines please throw them in chat.
You don't even have to spend your points just give them to us in chat for fantasy cheeses
and fantasy wines.
And he looks at you and he goes.
If you truly are Reiner van Ritter then you will know what good pairings of cheeses and
wines go together.
The beholder I brie you know it's very you know the cheese the brie is very good you
know with the wine because it's like so squishy and you can taste the briness of it.
You know sometimes you just get a big piece of brie and you put it in your mouth like
a you know briness and then it's there and you chew it and it tastes good.
Why are you laughing?
That is a brinest.
He's like no we too take the brie and eat it whole but what of mine wines what goes
good with beholder I cheese?
Oh you know like so you know you want you always want a good like bumble grape.
I want you Reiner you're gonna start like taking these little sips of these wine and
I want you to yeah I don't want you to make me a concept but I want you to make me an
intelligence check to kind of judge and then you're gonna tell him what goes good with
the cheese.
But I'm just going to taste these wines then yeah.
There you go and I feel like Trinket's young Trinket's exploring and so she pulls on your
hand a little bit she's like could I try some?
Could I try some?
Remember do not supposed to swallow if you're tasting.
I think it's best if we do not partake of fairy wine it does strange thing to us tiefling folk.
Okay.
Cheese go for it but the wine I would stay away from for now.
I'm gonna say wild Maroush cheddar with a white ziffendale.
What say you Reiner?
You still tasting?
Cheers bod.
Cheers to you bod.
Cheers.
Yes.
Hold on I'm I'm I'm fumbling with my props.
One second.
Okay yeah.
He drinks a lot with you though.
Oh yes.
Very full body.
A little bit of nut in there.
Yep it's very good aerating the wine.
Very good.
Yes I believe this one this one is what you should taste with Sabrina's.
Okay I want to know how true that is Roman intelligence check huh?
Is that milk that was milk I think that was just his drink.
That was my beer.
Oh yeah yeah what is that I can't tell what that is.
Is this this is a uh it's a 14.
14 he's like.
Well butter mine biscuit Reiner van Ritter welcome back to wonderland Reiner.
Where have you been please uh let us let us go together to the shore.
Today we have fire we celebrate uh fairy heritage and bring your friends with you of course.
Okay so it sounds cool.
Lead the way.
We can do that.
Yes yes Brock always wants to know if you have carpet.
Uh sure.
Because you're spitting on the yeah okay.
I need to know what's over there where Connor is spitting why do you want to sit there.
You want to sit there where I'm like.
The campus stories start dancing around with four other campus trees and all four of them
start singing this awful terrible song together it's like.
All of them just together just start singing.
Oh well at least they're having fun.
You allow them to continue just ruining.
I mean if this is where they're from they might as well enjoy the company.
One of them was going to be cooked alive by some goblins so.
Let's be honest they deserve some very annoying fun.
The uh first one you ever got little toad he's like.
He's like this this is my family.
Oh oh it's your family's that's good I'm glad you found them.
You guys should do a cover of a song called Evanescence oh wait no that's the band.
It's called wake me up inside by Evanescence.
Okay could you do the the deep voice parts.
Yes sure.
Can you see to my arms with open eyes.
I've been uh.
Wake me up wake me up.
Can't wake up inside.
Can't wake up.
Wake me up.
Save me.
Now he's like that's my family so um.
I know we owe you a life debt um and um we're supposed to stay with.
Can I stay with my family or do I always have to go with you.
Oh no you can stay here if you like little mushroom man.
We don't need you to like you know waste your whole life.
You know trying to accomplish our goals.
You know do what you want.
You know grow a little mushroom family spread your spore you know.
My spore.
Yeah your spores they're like you know your version of semen or something like that.
Semen what is that.
Oh it's like the little daddy eggs it goes and meets the mommy egg.
And since they make a big eggs it makes a baby.
Oh okay.
He like waddles over to another mushroom and he's like.
Would you like to take my daddy eggs.
She's like what's that and he's like oh you know it's like the daddy eggs and the mommy eggs.
To make a baby and she's like okay.
And then they just touch each other they just look at you like heads just like.
And I'm just like.
Birds and bees from Reiner very good very good.
Well you know I've never known that much about sexual science but.
People tell me I'm at least a fun guy.
I think what makes it is the is the end it's not so much the joke itself it was the sex noises that followed.
Reiner sex that Dave leaked yeah.
After that interaction you guys follow this fairy this elder fairy.
As you're walking behind him you can see he has a limp and he extends out his hand.
And a cane comes out he starts walking with the cane he does seem to be an elder fairy some of his wings are kind of like tattered like he's been through a lot.
And as he's walking other fairies kind of come out of their homes and start following behind him.
And eventually there's probably a mass of like 30 or 40 different fairies a lot of them younger and older a lot of them war torn and.
And he you're walking steadfast next to him Reiner and he's like.
Well mine don't know if you remember fairyland.
You are.
You are not raised here Mr Reiner but the van Ritter name is strong true here.
Yeah yeah.
Yeah when you were younger our civilization was saved by a woman by the name of Selena.
She took you and taught you a lot i'm sure you know all of how that story went.
That's the part that I remember yeah.
Yes well before that's you know the van Ritter line you were kind of like royalty here.
That's nothing not in a good way oh it's in a bad way.
Yes you were all thieves and murderers and you know your whole family are kind of bad people so.
She's a racist horn dogs yeah okay so like we were like totally not cool then totally not cool.
So you're going off to learn from Selena very powerful though powerful bloodline so to take
that power and put it good is very good.
Today we actually celebrated the day that we were freed from your family's grips your father had a
lot of us under slavery and was very bad man he like ran the mob you know do you know the mob.
And it's a mob it's the mob guys yeah.
Frog toys to just redeem chaos card Reiner van Ritter mob and uh.
Chaos card I don't know if it's gonna work over here we're gonna fucking try.
To it is.
Run to your kitchen grab your oven mitts and an apron and wear them for five minutes.
You have oven mitts cheers frog.
Oh that's what I was gonna do I was actually gonna buy oven mitts so when this card happened to me
I could put on oven mitts because last time we got this I don't own oven mitts.
I don't have a mitts or an apron yeah I think socks are good.
I don't have an apron but I do have you know oven mitts so nice nice.
I'll buy some oven mitts for solidarity at some point.
Putting on these mitts and he looks at you and he goes oh yes um
mine van Ritter's all had very cold hands so your hands are cold.
Sure something like that it's very cool it's very cool so the van Ritter mob used to charge
people and today we're actually celebrating the day of your father's death.
Yes he died and we are celebrating it by lighting ginormous fire on the beach.
We would love if you were to put the final piece of firewood on the fire
to celebrate your your new birth as new ferryman.
Okay I will do this.
I'm trying I'm seeing how far Connor's just gonna let me push this shit because
he's okay sounds good okay very cool um and then maybe you can play a song with your mitts
to you know warm as the fire and you head down to the beach and there's just a bunch of fairies
all around the people dancing around there's like this basically like this burning man style
thing um just stacked up but it's in the shape of a man with a mustache and there goes he's like
there's your father there he is.
They just they just built like a wicker man effigy of his father is that what I'm hearing?
It's very cool it's very cool we um have the best wicker people um it's like statue we burn
it every year it's very cool. Are you also the folks that build giant goats and light them on
fire that that's around the holiday times of the winter months?
I mean we burn goats uh you know on Easter we burn harangans um you know.
A good thing we have those behind.
Yeah we could kill them too you know it's very cool very cool stuff you know there's war between
fairies and mobsters and you know this is wonderland and we do what we want to do and
um it will anyways the fire we say helps the plants grow keeps the rain away so.
It's very cool he hands this piece of wood to you Reiner and it's a nice piece of wood.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now whenever you are ready you may light the fire do us the honors welcome home Reiner.
Okay.
Come on baby light my fire.
I'm going to use the uh
I guess like a survival check to see if I can light this fire.
Hell yeah.
Sure.
Sure. Hell yeah.
Oh this is this is a nine.
He uh you bend down you're struggling he bends down with you and he gets real close behind you and he
like grabs your hands and he's like and I know you did not have father Reiner but I will be your
father teach you how to light fire I can teach you.
Call them deity.
I don't know how much I like that.
I am the father to all the fairies Reiner and I will be your father.
Okay.
Get on your knees and call him daddy do they do they speak banjo do they got enough teeth
to go around the whole thing.
It's really weird seeing pilot being more creepy than I am.
So you you do know my name my name is banjo.
Is it my goodness.
Yes.
So you have heard of me banjo the fairy leader.
I can't say I'm quite familiar with you but I have heard your names in the wind.
Well good and then he grabs your hands and he grabs the wood and he he goes can you feel
the wood Reiner you must you must feel the wood Reiner.
You must you must feel it on on on my on my pants Reiner then he starts rubbing together.
He's like the friction Reiner.
Now now Trinket listen sweetheart if anybody ever talks to you like this you kick him in
the nuts and you run.
Sparks start in the fire he's like yes the warm now we will sweat and he steps back from you
and you can see he's like and my whole penis is out of my pants.
And he's like let me put it like this.
Uncle Turchy.
Exactly and all the fairy people start dancing and having fun and stuff and
and yes is there anything you want to say before I say anything else.
Trinket you're allowed to go dance but remember if you start dancing in circles always go
counterclockwise.
Okay can't do she skips away.
Is that like do you guys have like wet wipes or something.
Here I got I got I got Agdon's bedroll you can use.
Okay just going to wipe off my hands just a little bit his hands were very sticky for
some reason I don't know why.
That's funny dude.
His hands were very sticky.
Oh shit.
So you're wiping off your hands the fire starts sparking he's like talking to some folks and
after the fire lights a lot of the fairies kind of disperse around into the partying stuff so they
all just kind of leave there's only a few left here including him and a couple other fairies here
on the beach side.
And as you're just standing there contemplating life and if you were just harassed by an old man
fairy looking out at the water roll me a perception check.
Both of us?
Nah just him.
Shit.
Alright.
I didn't mean to roll that if it rolls.
Okay.
Oh!
Hey shit that's cool.
Oh I don't have the sound on it's a net 20 everyone.
Hell yeah.
I can see sound.
Just staring out at the water he passes by you and he winks as he's limping away with his cane
and he's like we have place for you to stay right now here with us in fairy hostel.
You can do that you know.
You can keep my bed warm if you prefer.
wave line of something coming up fast and it's like
Sure probably maybe we have to do other things first though.
So sorry.
And as he's talking to you you're a little distracted but you look out and the water
coming up from the beach towards the big ass fire that's now illuminating all of this dark water.
Uh shit.
Um can I do like a combination bardic inspiration and warn everybody that something's coming song?
Sure yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
It's coming fast.
What do you say you don't have to sing if you don't want to but what do you say
what are you trying to perceive for everybody?
Something's in the water it's coming to kill us all.
Something's in the water and an old guy touched my balls.
Oh yeah.
He's sad about it. He's sad about it. Yeah.
Um you sing the song and he's like dude don't seem serious about this.
There's something in the water and he looks and all of them all turn and look in the water with
your warning and they see this thing coming up in the water and a bunch of a fairies just start
running back into the town. You three take defensive positions. You two counting trinket
take defensive positions and you look out to the water on the shore. Couch coin.
A couch coin. Frog toys to just redeem couch coin. Reiner for being able to play with mittens.
Hell yeah frog. Cheers bud.
What? A big hand brownish in color.
In the shore and then another hand
and then a third hand and then a fourth hand and a fifth hand and a sixth hand and a seventh hand
and it rolls out of the water and it's a bunch of hands combined with arms.
Cues the dark souls music.
Yes. Oh that's not it. I set right the screen share. Yeah that's not it. Hold on. Let me fix my screen.
Display auto. No. No. Thank you.
And we get some dark souls music up in this bitch.
Yes. This is an abomination of a boss. Absolutely we can. After I show you the picture it won't let
me pick for some reason here. What's happening? Here we go. That's okay he's giving me a moment
to read things on my actual like fight charts as we watch this campaign.
Saving the rest for Thursday. Hell yeah frog. Death session zero side questers baby.
I'm done. Done. Hands. Hands amongst hands amongst hands.
Yes now we can roll initiative. Let's fucking do it baby.
And you can roll initiative for trinket as well. All right.
Shit. Why did this have to be on my mouse hand?
That's a 12 for me and a 10 for trinket. Okay.
Kill it with fire. Get it out of here. That's a six for me. Okay you want dark souls music?
I will roll for it as well. Oh.
You let me know if it's the right one.
Trinket potion of dragons majesty adult. Gift a potion. What?
Certifiable underscore nerd just redeem custom potion. Trinket potion of dragons majesty adult.
Redeem custom potion. Yeah I'm on it. Potion of dragons majesty adult.
That sounds fucking cool certifiable. I got idea. Throw the sticky hand old man into the hand.
Yeah I wanted this whole episode to have a weird vibe to it and I think I've nailed it.
Okay here we go right now.
What do you got? I am a fist dragon. Yeah. Okay hold on adult.
Okay.
Okay initiative roll. It's an 18. So yeah that's a 21. It goes first.
Come on now play for me. Play for me. You got this.
Let me know when you're ready Violet because that's very cool.
Well I couldn't find it in the thing so. Certifiable. I couldn't chat for you. Oh excellent.
All right so this potion looks like little gold and with a single scale from a chromatic dream
or a metallic dragon suspended in it. When you drink this potion you transform into an adult
dragon of the same kind as the dragon scale came from. The transformation lasts about an hour.
Any equipment you are wearing or carrying melds into your new form or falls to the ground your
choice. For the duration you use the game statistics of the adult dragon instead of your own but you
retain your languages and personality. Memories. You can't use the dragon's chain shape or its
legendary or layer actions. Basically turns Trinket into an adult amethyst dragon minus
the legendary and layer actions. It's pretty cool. It's pretty cool. Badass. Okay initiative
is started. It's a hand creature. Then you Violet then Trinket then Reiner. That's what we're
looking at here. Is there enough room for me to be normal size? Oh I've broken concentration. You are
very big. Yes. All right. It fuddles on the ground as it moves quickly and weirdly towards you.
Then it runs right at you Reiner and it uses its clutching grasp attack. It's got a plus seven to
hit. Does bludgeoning damage if the target is medium or smaller it is grappled. You can only have
one creature grappled this way at a time. Plus seven. That is a 15 to hit bud.
Oh yeah it totally hits. Okay you take
three hold on sorry it's 2d8. Take nine damage. Shit. And it has you grappled. As you're grappled
your speed becomes zero. It grabs you up in one of its hands and holds you up. Your speed becomes
zero. The condition ends if it becomes incapacitated or dies. The condition also ends if the if an
effect removes the grappled creature from it. You can make a save at the end of each of your turns
to try to get out of the grapple. All right. Okay. All right and it only gets
that plus as a bonus action it uses consume vitality. It targets a creature that it's
grappling. If the target is not a construct or undead the target must succeed on a constitution
saving throw. Reiner do me a constitution saving throw.
Eh. Oh this is an eight. That is not good. Chat do you want to help him or do you want him to
Gangrews used we're all right now. This is a 16 now. Nice we're looking for a 14 so you succeed
and nothing happens. Violet it's your turn.
Sorry it's been a while since we fought anything. I don't know how to fight things it's fine.
I was going to try to use divine sense to sense the intentions whether good nor evil of the
of the creature. It might just be confused it might not be targeting us. Violet this thing is fucking evil.
You can do whatever you like Violet. All right.
Well in that case I'm thinking that I'm going to do divine smite when you hit with a melee weapon
you can expand one spell slot to deal 2d8 extra radiant damage to the target plus a 1d8 for each
spell level higher than the first a max of 5d8 and plus a 1d8 against undead or fiends for a max of
6d8. Sick. I'm gonna do that and I believe yeah that's that's what I'm gonna do is divine smite.
Okay first you got to roll to hit now remind you you have two swords you've got sword of vengeance
and the what the hell is it called? I have the sword of vengeance and the vorpal sword.
Vorpal sword yes so you can do right hand and left handed attacks your right hand gets your bonuses
which is the sword of vengeance and your left hand is the vorpal sword which always attacks with
advantage but because it's not the vengeance sword attacks normally because the sword of vengeance
is a curse on you yes. So what would I do what would I be rolling as for the attack like it would
it be strength or? Yes so to roll to hit with your sword if you go on your character sheet you can
see there's a sword you can click that roll to hit button it'll add your bonuses. I did an 18.
Nice very good that hits this is sword of vengeance um which it doesn't have any bonuses on it or
anything uh let me see because there's there's so many yeah inventory sword of vengeance all right
you gain plus one bonus nice uh plus one oh my god hey no worries you gained a plus one bonus
to attack and damage rolls made with this magical weapon curse this sword has been cursed and
possessed by a vengeful spirit being attuned to it uh extends the curse to you as long as you remain
cursed you are unwilling to part with the sword keeping it on your person at all times while
attuned to this weapon you have disadvantage on attack rolls made by with other weapons
in addition while the sword is on your person you must succeed on pc 15 saving throw whenever you
take damage in combat on a failed save you must attack the creature that damaged you until you
drop to zero hit points or it does or until you can't reach the creature uh to make a melee attack
against it you can break the curse in unusual ways nice sounds good to me all right so it's a
normal attack plus divine smite which is very cool so you hit with your first attack um absolutely
because that is a uh yes it's a 15 you're gonna go on ahead and hit um so now you get to do divine
smite um which is really cool uh it actually adds some extra stuff to it so um you're gonna
expend a spell slot what level of spell slot are you going to expend let me see here what do you
have what you have that is words that i i don't understand the word you just said so you have
two level two spell slots and four level one all right all right well i guess i'll use one of the
level one level twos nice okay so uh using your level two spell slot let me see here
um 2d8 is radiant damage plus 1d8 for your spell slot higher than first so you're going to do 3d8
radiant damage plus 1d8 against undead or fiends this is definitely an undead yes indeed do they
do they really 100 family
100 so that would be 4d8 sure as body yes 4d8 plus the actual damage from the sword which is
um sort of vengeance 1d6 so it's 48 all right and 1d6 plus four all right a d6 which was a three
nice and then the 4d8 which is 15 so that makes 18 and then you say plus four 22 damage so that'd
be that'd be 22 hell yeah this hand creature has rhino in its grasp and he's i was aiming
for the arm that it had that's what i was aiming for throwing it around rhinos like kill it kill it
and you brandish your sword of vengeance and you run across the beach through the sand jumping
through the fire and slam down your sword on this thing and it wiggles it's just crazy looking black
blood just starts spurting all over it gets on rhino you can tell it's fucking injured and the
hands just continue wiggling but it doesn't lose grip of rhino trinkets turn more family
dm steve underscore forge of law just cheered 100 bits more family more family cheers steve
appreciate you guys appreciate both you boys what's up guys let me go do something together
us three should get together and do something cheers boys thank you so much
all right so i'm gonna have trinket aim from well far away she's got a little crossbow
and i'm gonna have her fire a crossbow no dragon potion not yet all right fair i'm i'm keeping her
out of arms reach if you know what i'm saying arms reach that was awful it was awful cheers
ah he's gonna play some shit yes dude we gotta talk yeah we do okay crossbow do you know how
to do the things it would be dexterity to roll to hit right you don't really got to worry about that
if you have her character sheet you should just be able to click on the weapon attack roll
it'll be like the plus whatever plus one next to the crossbow it'll be like just click that bad
boy nope not that so like uh i have i have yours up here you can see how it says dagger and then
there's just this here hit dc you just click that all right hold on well that's actions oh crossbow
light oh there it is all right so we just do that yeah and then right next to it you can click the
damage one as well oh perfect that's an that's an 11 for her okay well she misses sadly she misses
her attack she sees you she's stunned by what her big sister just did jumping through fire she goes
she tries to put the and it just
just rhino what do you do
well i'm just swinging around going yeah you know yeah then um the only thing i can do is make that
that check to release me right yes this would be grappled or
can i make a vicious mockery because all i need for that is my mouth you can still do vicious mockery
but you gotta remember has that bonus action attack for whatever it has grappled so if you
want to take that risk again you got it but all you need is verbal to do things so you got it
oh yeah yeah well i i'm going to do vicious mockery then and okay i'm going to be like
man a creature made entirely of hands that's stupid how do you talk to people like this
you just have like little eyeballs you put on one of your hands and you talk to people like that
or do you something you do something even stupider like you just clap and snap at them
like what the fuck is you know stupid fucking hand creature what do you make gang signs at
people to try and like talk to them or something or speaks in uh so snl what is that
speaks in uh so snl what is it s asl yeah speak now now they don't do something smart like that
they're probably doing like ninjitsu fucking chakra moves to talk to people there you go okay uh
wisdom check on this guy's got a plus zero to wisdom fucking obviously it does
it's a natural 20 rhino i'm sorry buddy it doesn't listen to your words at all
it's proud to be a hand i mean all of the hands turned towards me and they just like do this
at the same time all of them yeah dude that's dm steve underscore forger glow used real tech
all right all right all right i'll do the thing son of a bitch plus zero that's a 10
what is your spell safety c 15 all right it fails roll your damage
this is a five nice 22 and five very good it feels insulted as it flips you off it's like
mad it's like you son of a bitch yes it wiggles around in the sand once more it wiggles away from
you violet giving you an opportunity attack swing your sword oh fantastic fantastic i would love an
opportunity attack doesn't trinket also get one technically she has to be right within attacking
range she did all right from distance yes all right then i would like to drag i would like to
try to go stab it into its core with my sword of vengeance hell yes warples like i would like to
try this creature that doesn't have head like i would like to like try stab it in and just kind
of ripped downward like a lever i wish i had the scent of like googly eyes i could put on the hands
that's holding me like there it's right here 24 that hits all right and then
what what so there's a 1d8 plus six and then there's a 1d10 plus six uh that would be single hand
or double hand oh i'm looking at the wrong thing that's right i'm looking at the wrong thing my bad
that was on me no worries that's a five of damage nice as you stab it more blood comes out stopping
it in its tracks and all the hands rotate in the sand and then it just turns right at you um and
it uses crushing grasp on you as well but you are not a small creature so it cannot grapple you but
it will still try to hit you that is a 25 i know that that hits it does 2d8 plus five damage
dang it deals 18 damage to you as it grasps you what the fuck squeezes and lets go this activates
your sword on your side the sword of vengeance comes into your mind and it's like dude fuck that
guy dude we gotta fuck him up dude only that guy dude fuck that guy up dude i'm sick of it we gotta
fuck him up together dude me and you sword of vengeance and violet dude fuck that hand guy dude
let's get him fuck that hand guy all right i think this is the perfect time uh i'm gonna drink that
potion that uh certifiable gave me like i don't know like a month ago at this point that allows
me to double myself in size plus my strength oh shit uh i forgot what it's called because i
never i don't know if i ever actually made it into my inventory but i know i still have it i haven't
used it in large in large potion you get the effects of being large doubling you inside so i'm
gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna take that opportunity to drink that uh drink down that potion so i am now
a whopping 13 feet tall and i am going to take my sword of vengeance and and my vorpal sword and
once again go swiping at each of its arms as many as i can get in one swipe nice um so
we'll walk through this together but first we need to talk about what enlarge does for you
um so i'm gonna pull that up here 13 feet tall fucking point ran from above cheers another world
thanks for the table top just cheered 100 bits 13 feet tall
i just want to add something real quick before i forget about it like with my size this creature
is like full on full fist grasping me and i imagine when it tries to go for violet it's like just a
it's like just a regular hand size to her and like just something yeah it's like grants like in a
weird place it just like pinches her nipple or something real quick and then it's like
you're damaged to nipple titty twister dude
um okay so you double in size is your height and weight is multiplied what the target size doubles
in all dimensions and its weight is multiplied by eight uh this growth increases in size but its own
calorie or medium to large for example um there isn't enough room for the target double size
creature right gotcha until the spell ends you have advantage on strength checks and strength
saving throws your weapons also now match your size while these weapons are enlarged they do an
extra 1d4 damage there you have it so your first sword your hit with the sword of vengeance is
going to get your bonuses to it um so on your character sheet you can see let me go back here
you can just click that plus six or whatever it is um to be able to roll that sort of vengeance hit
and that because that's oh the plus seven attack yes all right so that's a 25 that hits absolutely
now um instead of doing damage roll damage roll we're just going to do them together so i want
to see if you're going to hit with the vorpal sword as well um the vorpal sword doesn't get
advantage it's just normal um but you do not get wrong potion what
huge acceleration your strength becomes 25 if it isn't already higher your hit point maximum is
doubled okay but what is this potion did you come up with this is it homebrew or is it actual
potion let me know i've had it for a while yes um melee attacks increased by five feet everything
you are carrying and wearing all increases in size rolling damage for weapons enlarged in this
manner roll three times the normal number of the what the fuck oh here i have i have the page from
hold on i'm gonna put it in size there you go yeah giant size badass okay
so for example large ones are 3d8 um instead of 1d8 gotcha badass okay
I love you yet we've we've confused and broken turk i love it let's keep going
we have giant size is different so your hp maximum um becomes temporary hit points when the effect ends
okay so we got to do some math here boys and girls
hooray man current hit points are doubled what are your hit points all right 36 so
that puts you at not 36 but 72 yeah i'm on it uh temporary what is that 26 gotcha
um okay doubled your strength at this time becomes 25 what is 25 in bonuses that's not a plus there's
a five that's a seven that's an eight you get a plus eight uh melee attacks by five feet everything
you are carrying and wearing also increases in size gotcha um and you do triple damage so for this
here sword you already hit so we don't got to worry about it but it would have been a plus
10 to hit with this thing but you already hit with it so good um now your sword is going to do 3d6
plus four but i will ask are you going to do divine smite again because you have one more
level two skull slot it's it you have to take it i don't have to take that as an action though it
can't be a bonus action i don't really know how it works i think with divine smite you activated
after you hit let's check though um when you hit with the melee weapon attack you expend a slow
slot to do yeah you can after you hit you can use it every time all right then we'll do a level one
spell slot well we'll expand another divine divine smite why not cool so you're doing
3d6 and 2d8 3d6 and 2d8 all right three that's a lot of damage folks can we get some friggin
flex tape memes and chat right now a lot of damage all right all right let's go 3d6
that's seven and then 2d8
it's a three so it's 10 damage yeah you did less damage this turn than last turn and you're
fucking huge plus four so that's 14 all right now you do still have your offhand hit attack
you don't get bonuses on this but you can still roll to hit so just roll a d20 for your sword of
vengeance all right because it's offhand just a normal d20 or do i roll strength normal d20 all right
shit that's an 18 that hits all right now you do 3d8
3d8 fucking huge yes all right
it's another 10 hell yes so that's another 24 damage in total for the whole turn
modifier still plus eight hell yeah but it's offhand attack right that's a lot of damage
that's a lot of damage six so that is 14 plus 10 that's 24 in total so from the perspective
of tiny little trinket she sees you step forward slam back a potion and just grow huge on this
fucking beachside the little fairy town below you is tiny now a bunch of little ants run around
and you take your two big swords and just stab them right into this thing right into its core
the sword of vengeance is like yeah dude yeah dude as you stab into it and she's like oh my god
my sister's fucking badass i said the f word
she's doing 24 damage this thing is looking super fucked up but it is trinket's turn what
does she say no it isn't it's not trinket's turn no it's my turn until it's dead i attack it until
my hp is zero or it's is is that what happens that's the sort of if i get hit on your turn
if i get you don't it doesn't fuck with game mechanics it just tells you you can't attack
another creature mentally you can't that would yeah yeah you don't get to attack until it's dead
but you have to attack it until it's dead does that make sense in addition when the sword is on
your person you must succeed on a dc wisdom save and throw whenever you take damage in combat
on a failed save you must attack the creature that damaged you until you drop to zero hit points
gotcha or until you can't reach the creature to make a melee attack so like if there was another
creature next to it you couldn't attack it yeah it's a curse yeah uh might be my favorite new
emo oh well thanks you guys i appreciate that i worked really hard on that there dang old emo
and uh i appreciate that so much uh thank you guys i think the reiner one's my new favorite one
i already sent it to connor that spinning shit is pretty damn good and i like slowed it down when
it got in front of his face and then sped it up while he was going around love it love it um
thanks you guys i appreciate that um mandatory chain aggro there you go okay now well what does
trinket do i'm gonna have trinket once again steady herself hopefully this time and try to
hit with the crossbow once again sick
that time it's a 15 nice that hits all right and then we roll her damage
she does four damage do you have a bonus on that
uh it said roll one d8 that's all it said cross bro light roll damage
does it give me anything yeah okay all right so she's got them that's fair the four damage
she's a level one she's a level one artificer she can't do a lot yet it doesn't kill it but it's so
close right now this arrow lands in the hand right that's gripping you there's an arrow it lands in
the finger and you're like ah now it's your turn what do you do um well uh shit
i'm going to try to do vicious mockery again
okay i'm just trying to think of some insults oh yeah you stupid hands you're all thumbs you're
stupid you can't you know you you might as well just change all your hand signs to this because
you're a loser yeah you're a loser yeah you're a loser hand you're you're loser all right wisdom
check let's go let's go
shit dude trash can came in hot just bought some merch what's up trash i don't know if trash can's
here but hell yeah buddy let's get boys he needs a new lgb shirt sick dude um yeah it got a natural
20 on its wisdom save so it doesn't it doesn't fucking care no it just can't go through chat
help me it doesn't listen it doesn't listen it's fine i got you i got you the certifiable corner
g3 roll check no no yeah you stupid it's a 15 stupid he still beats your save
always here trying to get some boys hell yeah buddy hell yeah um i still win but good try
certifiable the hands angry the fingers all aligned together the ones not injured or otherwise
grasping someone and all of the fingers extend and release this magical ray
plus or minus one fuck all right roll me your damage right now
underscore no just redeemed plus one thank you minus one turk thank you plus this
roll it oh this is a two yes it barely lives barely it takes the two damage its fingers extend
out and these beams come out of the fingers and go right at trinket and it casts gaze at trinket
this spell you place a magical command on a creature you can see within range forcing it
to carry out some service or refrain from some action or course of activity as you decide
if the creature can understand you it must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or become
charmed i need you to roll me a wisdom saving throw before i continue for trinket
it all right oh it's a 14 what is it's dc hold on let me go back here
it's not good it's not good um the gay spell um using its charisma is the spell casting save
which is 12 so thank god she succeeds because she would have took um four d advantage or disadvantage
d and steve underscore forge of law just redeemed advantage trinket yeah you can hit it again if you
want to but you did already succeed so trinket can save that advantage if you like uh well she got a
16 so that makes it even more succeeded i guess nice um okay it moves through the sand as if
running away with rhina
and rhina goes down into the sand as it rolls
uh
and it moves like 20 feet away from you does that mean i get another attack of opportunity as it
tries to get away from me pause yeah
play just redeem pause pause family paused family uh not exactly what that means you do get an
attack of opportunity so roll me an attack roll so i get to go twice in a row perfect yes yes
all right indeed advantage or disadvantage certifiable underscore no just redeemed advantage
violet hell yeah so before it gets to move away that 20 feet roll me this attack
all right so we're doing instead of plus seven it's plus ten
all right so we'll just add three yeah
so it's a 19 yeah you hit it it only had one hp i'm not going to make you roll damage
but i'm doing it anyway okay go ahead i did six damage nice you're gonna hate this
you're gonna hate this as you hit this thing
it's reduced to zero hit points and it explodes blood goes all over everything and it turns into
what the figure gaming used reroll reroll damage
all right oh it's a nine that time nice still same effect it turns into 1d4 plus five
hands now on the beach no longer connected to each other but now six separate hands
no longer soul shakers but crawling hands rhino is released from the grapple
can i move is it my turn well it's my turn now right damn it yes it's still because i had the
attack of opportunity now it's just my normal turn sorry rhino you'll we'll get to you eventually
all right well it's my turn now right damn it yes it's still because i had the attack of opportunity
well can i hands everywhere um hold on one second does it in the crawling hands
okay so there's nothing else there's no damage or nothing what do you do
uh well i imagine i'm gonna take my vorpal sword and my sword of vengeance i'm just gonna go stabbing
through hands on the beach yeah there's six of them there's fucking six of them okay roll to hit
let's go all right so we're gonna roll for the sword of vengeance
which you're still in a laven so that's plus 10 that's not seven that's a 14 so it's three more
that's yeah 14 for that one does hit um these hands i'm gonna tell you now to speed up
combat a little bit they only have two hp so if your bonus on damage is more than two
um you don't need to roll damage unless you want to um yes well i got a six so that one's dead and i got
i didn't mean to roll two my bad either way it's a it's a nine nice hell yeah so two of them are dead
there are four left it's trinket's turn all right trinket's gonna crossbow him again
oh yeah she's gonna get proficient in it eventually she got nine
that missus sorry about it that's fair she's far away she's on the other side of the beach
the hand releases you as it dies it's finally your turn there are four hands just like
all around you what do you do oh she does have advantage if you want to use it
oh all right ryan you're never getting a turn i don't know how to tell you
how to tell you yeah it's never happening but you just told me uh 20 this time which means
shoot hits for three nice there are three hands running around you there's an arrow
hits one of them and it's three hands left trainer what do you do
um i'm going to do vicious mockery again but this time i'm not even gonna say anything just gonna go
like that to one of the hands nice um it has plus zero to wisdom let's get it actually wait
wait can i can i change oh yeah what are you gonna do what what what i just remembered i have magic
missile oh fuck yeah use that what the shit yeah yeah yeah yeah use that hell yeah use that
it breathe magic missile for us how does it work let's do it let's do it hell yeah
uh you create three glowing dots of magical force each dot hits a creature of your choice that you
can see within range a dot deals one d4 plus one force damage to its target so three dots this what
you say is this four of them there's three that's oh three hands yes and three dots i send at the
hands and this is how i send them nice nice hell yeah um roll me 3d4 as long as you don't get ones
you'll kill all three of them well it'd be one it it'd be what uh minimum is two
two two damage increases the dots one d4 it's one d4 plus one oh yeah okay badass badass okay
let's get some music but don't i have to hit no magic missile just hits as far as i'm aware
yeah it just happens yeah so you just send them out and then well they all feel max damage
yeah they all unless you want me to roll three different that's cool you kill the hand
it lies on the beach the beach now covered in muck and dirty rotten blood hand pieces everywhere
yeah um i want you guys to roll me perception to search this here beach now that the battle
has ended before i move forward here uh trinket got a 19 i got a 19 as well i got a three
i'm too big everything's too small
yeah it's too damn small all right one second the page is loaded
woohoo everybody they killed the giant hand now for you dungeon masters out there gangrews used
to reroll violet oh hell yeah um it's a very cool hand creature that came from radiant citadel
if you're interested in it um it is called a soul shaker um from radiant citadel if you want to
use it in your campaigns still a three goddamn goddamn same as anything yeah
okay well you get nothing but trinket on the ground finds a
oh we'll give that we'll give it to her she finds a plus one crossbow
yay oh they will be lovely for her yeah congratulations and you reiner on the beach
came up in the sand you find a jar of pickles
that says timmy on it but the jar there's nothing special about it it's
just literally just pickles in it it says timmy's pickles
pickles
okay yeah it takes a jar i put it in my pocket nice um okay i do have one other thing um but
before i get to do that the creepy fairy named banjo comes back up the beach and sees the
destruction and he looks and he's like mind balls what happened here
i'm not entirely convinced he's not going to see it yeah it's this creepy hand creature
got a little handsy with me and then you know decided to like start fighting us and you know
we just killed it it's no big deal it's cool you didn't do this what do you mean
you like i didn't tell you like of course shifts his weight in the sand and he seems off about you
now um as you explained to him that you didn't attack the people you killed the thing i want
you to roll me a persuasion to convince him otherwise oh yeah i told i this thing attacked
us why would we do that this is a 17 he'd like well i'm sorry for doubting you i
mind mind came to assumptions because of your father of course you come to seek revenge on
the day of the death celebration of him uh well no being i don't succumb to seek vengeance not at all
i came to you know finish the quest to look for selena the savior and you have just been
accosting me and harassing me now i think as a show of trust between me and you and the people
of this village you should hold two slices of bread up to your head and call yourself an idiot
sandwich he's like can i also persuade him to do that too sure sure that's a 29 fuck
he's like okay do you have bread no i have pickles though here do that he does it he goes
i'm idiot sandwich everyone i am idiot for not trusting van ritter van ritter is good
people are like
rhina i'm being that you're here i would like to show you um your
and your father's old home uh i believe he may have left things for you to have uh maybe help you
okay this sounds cool all right this could be cool now um he begins guiding you guys back into town
um when you follow there's a lot of the fairies that are like looking around they seen what
happened they're they kind of like clap and some of them like look at you and they're like thank
you thank you for for saving us you know um and some of them like pass you like little treats like
cookies and um gingerbread men stuff like that justin thanks for defeating the monster um one
of the fairies even mentions that this isn't the first time this thing has showed up and it likes
to grab up the little fairies and take them back into the water and they don't know no one's ever
been able to kill it so you've solved an issue that's actually been happening here for a while
as you're going back into town you can see the fairy gets to a doorstep of a home
but before you can get there there is this
like in the center of the area there's this pony it's a normal sized pony so it towers above
all the other little fairies the pony is wearing blinders it has a small wooden hut strapped to
its back and a flint clatter can be heard inside of the hut as you guys get closer to the pony that
sits in front of your father's house as you guys get closer the doors on the hut swing open and
a tiny wrinkled creature hobbles into view in front of you guys accompanied by a wispy bulb of
like bulb of light behind him the old little fairy peers at you through tiny little spectacles on his
face and in common he says big folk how wonderful there's big folk here pony pony settle down there's
big folk here big folk hello big folk hi hello hi hello i'm a little extra big today but you know
it's fine yeah you're fucking ginormous yeah well welcome here to the wonder town if you haven't
been here before welcome welcome uh this is craig uh the pony very cool craig thanks craig
why have you guys come to this area well uh i was told by the village elder that uh man house is like
around here somewhere and i'm supposed to like go through the stuff no my old house it's not really
a big deal you know oh that's it you're not here to like find a secret way into a hag hut or anything
like that oh no yeah we could use that too yeah you know you know that would be helpful as well
as long as you're not creepy like that old man creeping things theater of terror that is a dreadful
place indeed indeed well i suggest a trade knowledge of the location of the tunnel of how to get there
in exchange for something that would benefit me and my fellow fairies ending sad quarrel between
the really shitty rock people of the story from the book that we decided to scrap also i'll accept
food well i just so happen to have pickles you like pickles fairy god you got a wheel of cheese
had a lettuce candy from the witchlight carnival that would be good or anything from the goblin
market would suffice i ate my candy you still have you you still have your candy from the goblin market
do i i was i was the only one that ate it i might have given mine away
and i think actually he did fuck i forgot about that you gave it away for the jar of the worm
yeah yeah um uh hey uh these pickles came from the goblin place you know they are candied pickles
and deception Reiner deception
uh it's a 23
23 oh candy pickles very good very good well here you go he goes back in his home and you can hear
like squeaking and like rummaging through stuff um and he comes back out and he comes out with a
little map and he's like so if you want to get to the hags palace you can climb up the side of the
mountain if you got climbing gear you can go through a secret tunnel that'll get you there as well
and this map will lead you here or there uh you guys selling anything you want to buy anything
you looking for anything i mean what do you have to offer my friend i i have an abalone shell
that giggles at you when you put it to your ear oh that sounds very cool maybe we can trade uh you're
looking for this anything you know specific do you buy a chance have a banishment spell
banishment i don't know if he does let's see or like i don't know something to get a mouthy
a sword to stop fucking up my rolls you need to remove curse yeah yes yes yes yes
ah well i wouldn't trade to remove curse for stupid laughing stone you got anything else
got anything else uh i have a sword of wounding oh sword of wounding and laughing rock and i will
give you scroll of remove curse i i'll trade you for it that sounds like a mighty fine deal
all right all right he goes back and he comes out with a scroll and hands it to you and he goes
craig grab the sword and it the pony opens its mouth like and you just place the sword in between
its teeth and it grips it yeah now um before we end this interaction in the very first arc of this
here campaign you guys made wishes at the wish light carnival what were those wishes
i told you to write them down if you remember them cool if not we'll just move on each one
of you guys my mine uh mine was to be able to to find my family and get vengeance upon my parents so
okay all right rhina
rhina i think you're muted rhina
here
secret tunnel yes so like i think my wish was on the line along the line of finding selena tracks
um but i'm not positive and i'm looking for my notes on it okay well he looks at you three really
close and you two and and he's like wishes my dears they come in forms that sometimes we cannot
hear but you must listen for the wind my friends because in the end we don't always get what we
want but always what we need and then he goes back into his little hut and he comes out with these
little stones their wish stones these stones look like round lumps of crystal um and have not yet
been shaped or cut but because your guys's wishes were good natured he puts them in your hands and
your hands and they glow with gold murder is good nature well let me second that because
reiners wish was good natured it glows with golden light out to a feet of 20 feet it's like literally
like a torch um since your wish was evil natured your stone glows purple now um you get to keep
these stones and they may come in handy later but if you do not want to keep them to come in handy
later they might be great to trade as an evil wish stone and a good wish stone each selling for
a hundred and possibly more or less to a certain person interested in them all right
fair is fair fair is fire now it is fair he whips on craig and the pony takes off you guys walk up
the stairs you get up there and he sees the interaction he just had and he looks at you
writer and he goes now i i must of course the fairy leader banjo he says i must apologize for
what did you see i was well you remind me of your mother right now and your mother was very you know
she was very nice and i was attracted to her and so maybe i was a little forthcoming i apologize
yes hello cougar what's up dog cheers man cheers cougar slayer yeah
depends on who's being murdered true so i apologize but for now here's the key and he puts a little
key in your hand and it's not like a metal key that you would normally think it's like a crystal
key and it's got one little keychain coming off of it of like a little rabbit's foot and he hands it
to you and he goes all yours and he goes down the stairs and he leaves
i'm gonna sit outside the house and just kind of look through the window since i'm like 14
fucking feet tall i ain't fitting through no kind of doorway so i'm gonna sit outside the
house with trinket and star very true okay before we allow you to enter the home we need some
mobster music yes everybody strap the fucking time to go um we are going to do a little bit of back
and forth here reiner as we practice so much in our improv shoes you know some things from about
your father and your family from your history and i would like you to add a little bit to the scene
as you step in maybe some things that you see and i'm going to rebuttal and also tell you some things
that you see and we're going to go back and forth to kind of explain this home that you have just
inherited to everyone and to each other so you put the key in the lock and it opens and it squeaks
as it opens and the faint smell of cigars and old wine hits you right in the face you look over to
the right and you see this huge painting of your father riding on a lion whole penis out down the
side exaggerated on the wall oh yes my father and his giant veena he was very proud of it
yeah oh and there's the there's the the bdsm torture chamber that i remember he would take
you know my mom in you know the people that he captured into there you know
yeah it was so glum in here this is why i wanted to go outside more because this was always like
like super hardcore like not for children you know that sounds crazy yeah well you haven't heard about
the buckets yet yes let's see you look to the left and across the hallway from the bdsm room is the
kitchen where there are hundreds of candles each one of them labeled differently for your mother
used to sell and make candles in a pyramid scheme and she would leave them all over the whole
yeah when you crossed my father you would you know you'd find yourself encased in candle wax
and as he'd drip it on you very slowly one drop at a time
you know you would make love to my mother while he was doing that kind of weird right
it i'll be honest i was like wax is kind of one of my things so that sounds kind of hot actually
oh it's very hot until you can't breathe anymore because of suffocation and wax filling all of your
orifices don't threaten me with a good time up the stairs we get to the child's room we open the door
to the inside and there's only a bed and a small child's toy that's like the one with the beater
and the little colorful pieces of metal that make like ding noises ding ding ding ding ding a xylophone
you sound like someone describing something they've never seen before
um yes oh my old childhood room there's also like you know there's all like a bunch of acorns and
and like pine cones and like cool sticks that i found outside and brought them back you know i had
like a few bird's nests in there um because i was like you know i really liked the outdoors because
staying here was fucking awful for children you know i said something about the buckets right
do you want to hear about the buckets sure so along with my mother's candle wax pyramid scheme
she also had a pyramid scheme dealing with breast milk and she would take all the women in a
particular village gasses their breast milk and then sells them to other villages at an exorbitant
cost most of the times this breast milk would not be what's prescribed for the certain type of babies
that would be living in the other village and the baby would you know suffer great fatigue and
sickness because of this fairy breast so is there still breast milk in these buckets right now so
it's all just over over over the years there is it's rancid it's breast milk cheese it's aged cheese
your mother was like your father was busy and so famous in the town for what he did is the fairy
godfather that your mother was always just trying to find hobbies and shit like she wanted to have
some kind of self-identity so she's selling candles and trying to sell breast milk and all that kinds
of shit she's like i want to be my own person you know i hear you can sell breast milk to wrestlers
they call it liquid gold one time i got one of the pumps stuck to my forehead and it made a big
circles there for like three weeks sucked there's an armory you guys step into dozens of swords
leather armors whips chains you name it a giant dildo with a sword grip on the bottom of it
it hell yeah hell yeah eventually make it to the master bedroom um you open the door and as you do
you'll hear a click rhina roll me a dexterity to dodge the guns that was cocked right behind
my head or what can i see in the room through a window because i'm standing outside just looking
through the windows stairs 14 saves a shotgun goes off above the doorway and leaves a big old hole in
the wall and you step into the room and you look at the hole in the wall roll me an investigation
is it penis shaped
it is now no i don't know it's a it's a four oh damn it chat come on this was going to be
cool chat help help finally does like wax the seaman made her lmm crazy it's reiner's dad
king norcalis no for sure it's not for sure it's not yeah yeah on investigation on this corner
jee's tree roll reiner heaven okay i'm not gonna give you a lot then you tell me what you do but
you look at the hole in the wall and you think you see something shiny something glimmering
advantage or disadvantage oh trash can just redeemed advantage rhino
ah 17 nice you think you see something shiny you get a little bit closer and you can see the
in the boards of the home there are piles of gold shoved inside of the house in the walls in the walls
can i just start ripping down planks on the walls yes you do that and gold just starts piling out
into the master bedroom was it you were dr hops they got the the did one of us pick up a bag of
holding it was i picked up a bag of holding it was me yeah i start just scooping into the bag
just scooping the golden nice eventually you scoop enough that you get to there's a safe
embedded in the wall but it has a code
hmm yeah but what's the safe made out of because i'm like four four or five times the size of any
fairy can i just like crush it open my hand if we just drag it out to the window
it's true well i don't know i might be able to get this done with my tiny fingers
well i don't know i might be able to get this done with my tiny fingers is it is it a combo safe i'm
like yeah yeah like a twisty yeah yeah yeah a twisty so this is slight of hand sure let's do it
listening i'm twisting that's a 12
hmm it's tough it's not good enough what do you think your father would have set the code to a safe as
probably
a 69 d equals equals no 69 8 equals equals d 69
69 pina 69 no all right it's not funny it's um you know something a little more
story
a little more you can roll me an intelligence check if you get high enough i'll give it to you
intelligence you know i'm not smart i do know that oh but it's an 18
you start putting in codes you think has to be something specific so you do try that 59 426
now it doesn't work you try the address to the home doesn't work um you try all different kinds
of stuff then you get you sit around in front of the safe for a few minutes just looking at it
and this pile of gold is violets just outside picking her teeth with a tree she's fucking huge
and uh violet you look back at him and you're like uh
uh hello cheers bod thank you i saw have you tried self have you tried just 100 beats
yeah exactly you say try your mom's birthday try it have you it doesn't work try your birthday
and then you say try your birthday what is your birthday reiner
oh fuck like ends at what year is it an intoxicant so our timeline works with after gems which is ag
um and if you think a reiner and i'm not right sorry reggie and barry they were 100 ag
so whatever your birthday you think is um use months just normal months of the year
here probably july 8th
300 ag nice so you can try july 8th 300 ag so 200 years after barry and reggie
uh at least whenever they were born right so you input it and the safe cracks and it opens
and inside there's no gold there's nothing crazy but a single note with a wax seal on it
it looks like your family's seal it's like a pair of wings can i examine the outside of the note to
see who's it's for or is that it's just a wax seal it's pretty much just a wax seal okay fuck it i
opens it and i read you read it says to my son reiner van retter
now i leave my home my gold everything
your mother was a bitch your brother was a bitch your sister was a bitch but you my son reiner
may take the homestead may take the gold may take everything for one day selena tracks will teach
selena tracks will teach you how to be a good man unlike me your father i want you to break the
chain right now take this and do good with it sing to the people like you used to when you were a
child sing to them and always come back to the home every year on the day of your birthday
and celebrate the death of me right now
if you ever need anything
i hope it works out love your dad
what is your dad's name
shit uh i know i wrote it down in here somewhere let's see is it
is it
now i just gotta say so much better than stupid ass rock fucking politics
fuck that shit i don't give a fuck about your dumb ass rocks much rather have a fairy village
that's cool that's fucking right no rock politics here only crime boss fairies that raised a german
child even though they're notably italian i can't do a german accent man yeah i'm not saying this
is alternate universe where there is a bonito muselini fairy everyone this whole time picture
all of the fairy speaking in german okay i just can't do it as soon as i do it i turn into
fucking riley the wizard yeah i think it was like it might have been like fenrea or something but
as i finished readings the note i'm just gonna like
nice nice you throw the note and uh violet you see him do this and you're kind of looking you have
no idea what that note said but you can tell that reiner's not in a good mood nothing good nothing
good then oh no it's great i have a house in like unlimited wealth now it's pretty cool actually but
um my father was kind of like uh an asshole how you say something like i understand fathers who
were assholes i i well acquainted yeah i didn't let it bother me though i just went out on my own
met some cool like forest creatures and then like you know uh had sex with a with an older lady and
then that like fits me like i was cool with it i mean fair everybody copes in their own way
you're muted
it like froze and so like it's still frozen i clicked it i swear to god i clicked it but it
doesn't show me that it's clicked so like am i actually muted am i not muted i don't know
it looks like i wasn't see but i thought i was but i'm not but i'm not muted anymore anyways
this my friends is as far as i wrote for tonight so this is where we're going to leave it violet
you're going to shrink back to normal size so you can fit inside the home spend it with reiner is
there anything you want to do long rest or a short long rest do you want to renovate the home do you
want to do anything i'll give you guys multiple kind of um short rest actions if you guys want
to do anything specific um because this might be one of the last good long short rest that you have
to have i'm going to clean it out a bit at least get some old buckets of breast milk out of here
um the candles can stay like so i'm gonna put some candles where the money was in the walls
nice uh i'm gonna bribe reiner for some money to go get some food to make dinner for us
what do you mean bribe me i don't know just ask for some money i mean i could give you one of my
sexy books for some money for food okay fine i guess i'm going to read that by candlelight
in my mother and father's bed when you get rid of the breast milk in what fashion do you do this
do you do this um i imagine this town has a well phrase to say right you're gonna pour it in the
fairy town's well yeah you go out there and oh this is the trash right he's like
this is my balls right no don't pour that down the well we drink from there
oh sorry it's not supposed to trash it's like a big trash can in the middle of what is this that
you have uh this is uh you know my mother's illegal breast milk stuff like this is the old
moldy breast milk right now we can make fantastic cheese with this to pair with the beautiful
wine we can make it the breast milk cheese right now
okay then here you go these are the buckets i have left plus whatever i just poured down in the well
maybe you could fish that out too thank you right now we will make it the fairy breast milk cheese
chat please use name thing to give us a name for the fairy breast milk cheese and thanks debbie snacks
cheers debbie 41 months girl hell yeah oh my god i need to type this before nobody else does
you're going to the town and um there are some fun things on stock here um let me go ahead and
pause this music because we don't need godfather music anymore there are some fun things on stock
including horse sausages sausages made out of horses um it's classic stuff right there
um of course some other fun things is there anything specific fantasy-wise you're looking
for to cook dinner for you and your whole party tonight of one oh wait no we have uh
no that's boo breeze feta oh my god boo breeze oh my god utterly cheesy goodness
oh yeah tiny titty brie
oh wait hold on i have more
uh so i imagine uh i'm gonna be looking for something to make like a nice veggie soup for all our veggie
friends uh like dr hops and agdon but then we also have a couple carnivores in our party like star
and the owl bear and so i imagine that i'm gonna find a couple like just like plain steaks some
raw food diet type stuff that we can toss their way uh but i'm gonna be looking for something
to toss their way uh but a nice veggie stew maybe with a little bit of like some dough dumplings
just plopped in there so they're a little bit more filling nice hell yeah dude sounds badass
the new uh are you cleanly when you clean because this is a beautiful fancy kitchen it's the fanciest
kitchen i think you've ever been in or cooked in ever and it has everything that you've ever needed
i imagine i'm a pretty cleanly person considering i helped to clean the tavern the last time we were
at it nice do you think violets like a clean as you go or like a clean afterwards kind of person
i think she's a clean as you go because i think she she does take every step with like everything
she does in a manner of like she's giving thanks to her god as she's perfect like preparing food
and like doing things throughout her day because she knows when she's in the heat of battle there's
not much time to like just kneel down and pray first you know sometimes in just your menial tasks
you you tell your god what you're thankful for the gifts he given you is nice hell yeah okay cool so
i think clean as you go um right now now i want you to be fair here because you did throw out some
suggestions of your own but this is your story and your uncle banjo's cheese so you get to pick
the name here all right but i want you to thank well i want you to read all the just cheese you
want me to read them okay um tiny tiny oh you yeah you read no no no start at the top all right so
we got we got boo breeze we got feta cheese we got utterly cheesy goodness we got tiny titty brie
we got cheese nips we got enchanted cream juice we got jesus christ we got gorgon areola
we got thick we got thick fado cheese uh fake fela cream and uh fela cream oh for my second
suggestion what was your second suggestion debbie did i miss it no i think i got them all there you
go all right well my choice is going to be feta cheese really you're not going to go for gorgon
areola i know it's your own but that was it's a very simple nice play on words i like the feta
cheese we got to spell it like phase though because if you think canon in one year if you say feta
cheese don't understand it right yeah came from the fae all right so you clean up the home spend
some time you guys make some food you hang out here in the wonderland um you've saved the area
i would also like to decurse my fucking sword of vengeance nice nice uh let's go ahead you are so
intent on that music that i have back here you after cooking all sit cross-legged in the open
living room with the sword and you cast the remove curse spell on it and you're finally able to set
it down in front of you and release it from your grip and as you do the sword talks to you as you
sit it down and it's like oh dude come on man i thought dude i thought we were killing some shit
man come on what dude what what the fuck dude listen i don't it's not that i don't appreciate
your help but you are sitting on a path of vengeance that i am not to i am not going to abide by we do
not wantonly kill anybody that looks badly our way we are going after those who truly deserve
the most deepest and hardest of vengeance and i need you to chill the fuck out dude so like if like
okay dude so what if what if i follow your lead dude instead of you following mine
tavern talks just redeemed chaos card violet the curse has after effects
violet the curse has after effects and our after effects affect dr hops or sticking his nose where that doesn't belong
is it canonically violet's birthday now this is the birthday card this is the same campaign i've gotten this
yeah all right you can say today or next week is your birthday whatever you prefer especially
because we're here at the end but i want you to keep this in mind uh for now the sword is like
come on dude what if i follow you dude can you keep me with you just don't hang me above the
mantle here dude i would hate to be here forever i i don't mind keeping you with me and i don't mind
you talking but i don't like you trying to over whip overwhelm my free will while i'm wilts i'm
wielding you i can't abide by that because then who is really reaping vengeance me for my god or you
well i just thought we was a good team dude i was just encouraging you dude and i thought they're
like you told me to eat my father's penis well i that may be the case dude i thought it was
i thought that was like the worst way to you know fuck someone up dude like like i'd eat my father's
penis dude but hey maybe that's not the way maybe you can teach me dude all right let us continue our
relationship but i do need you to chill the fuck out maybe if i work hard dude and i don't have to
maybe if i work hard dude and i get a little bit stronger maybe you'll use me too dude because i say
you got the vorpal sword and i'm just worried that like if i'm not cursed anymore dude you won't use
me anymore dude because i know how cruel the other sword is listen i threw out my other sword i got
rid of the sword of wounding i have room for dual wielding swords yeah i got i dual wield my swords
and you know it but you can't be fucking with me just because i'm not using you in my main hand
okay dude i all right dude i i'll stop with that dude um just you know it maybe
maybe if you keep me with you dude then maybe like you can help release my spirit too dude like maybe
if you let me decapitate your dad dude then like maybe it'll release me from this sword
that i'm stuck here forever i think we can work something out like that because of course i'm not
leaving you behind you're called the sword of vengeance and i'm a paladin on the sword of
vengeance on the oath of vengeance i'm not getting ready you're too on brand for me all right sounds
good though well thanks the um curse lifted and you can see all right the magic comes off of the sword
that's it now that's what we end it for tonight boys and girls we're gonna come back for a quick
little short rest yes we are just a quick one um we're gonna get the hell out of here though
um we are doing a shorter episode tonight and we did have some fun though i think we did have
some thing all fun and we'll be right back in a little bit so don't go anywhere uh the sword is
definitely you know what though i he's like the bald guy from um what's it called connor
how's it going dude it's that guy that's the sword staying off that booze dude yeah uh are you talking
about seuss from gravity falls yeah party house connor's muted but party house yeah yeah um house
party that it is okay we'll be right back in a few minutes everybody i gotta pee real bad we didn't
take a break and i'm gonna kill you dude i'm gonna fucking kill you dude there it is uh we'll be
right back in a couple minutes everybody don't go anywhere do each other bye bye bye everybody say
bye
toodles boodles bye you gotta separate your pinky and your pointer as far as you can
it's got to be bigger than your face