Hello everyone, welcome back to love death and dice. This is episode three
I tried to use the same inflection that I did on the last campaign on episode three because I've listed that one a few times
Hello everybody. Thanks so much for joining us being awesome and fucking being here. You guys rock you rock. That's right
We're here to have some fun
We're here to roll some dice and we're here to tell some fucking stories and boy
Do we have some fun things in store for y'all tonight?
But before all that I will be your
Fantasmal dungeon master Turk and I'm here with three folks that I love fucking rolling dice with that's right
car
Stop, that's me and I'm gonna be playing Reiner. Hi, I'm proteus
I'll be playing violet fams the Hick tiefling
Paladin this evening. Hello, I'm fishy and I can't hear the sound alerts
Yes, thanks for the energy though fishy these guys, you know, someone's got to bring it think you guys are joining us
I'm straight. Oh, thank you for being here from a nap and proteus got our ass kicked today and roller derby
So but I didn't break anything
Goodness, thank you guys for all joining us. I do appreciate y'all. We're gonna have some dang old fun today
You got me all got anything about your new grouch couch merch
Have you gotten the new love death and dice t-shirt because it's hecking comfortable. Holy shit. This is like them
Whoa, hold on. We're gonna run our intro y'all and we're gonna come back and we're gonna roll some dice now is a very special thing
As y'all know we have a very special recap that will be playing after the intro that was made by our one and only amazing
Spice deli estrations and I expect all of you show them some fucking love all that bad boys running
All right, cuz it's fucking awesome. They just kill it on these things. I'm just wholeheartedly impressed every week
Hello everybody, my name is Paul though P. Ol though and I'm back with another PP show underneath the grouch couch
Let's talk about episode 2 of love death and I still wild beyond
So where we left off is we were trying to impress the carnival owners cuz we're trying to get a portal to the Feywild
So we enter into the carnival tent and two of our heroes signed up to perform
Guess my bootleg doppelganger was too fucking scared to do it
Reiner steals a show with an enchanting performance of hey, y'all captivating the crowd with a spell binding melody
Look at that. Oh my god
Meanwhile violet showcases her impressive strength and a surprising feat of athleticism by squeezing a watermelon between her thighs and the crowd was not impressed
I guess they were fucking broken cuz look. Oh my oh my god
As a carnival festivities unfold our heroes face unexpected challenges including
Fending off rabid circus animals and engaging and exhilarating dragon flight races, you know casual carnival shit
Hopps receives a mysterious magical tattoo in the shape of a heart that says mom and it gets 1d8 extra HP every long rest
Which is which is pretty useful honestly
I'm gonna go get ten of those tattoos on my butt
But I guess everything worked out cuz at the end of the day they had dinner with the carnival owners and learned the secret
To getting into the Feywild. I might tell y'all the secret. Okay, write it down
It's a secret phrase that you say to a magic mirror in the Hall of Illusions
So what we make it into the Feywild who knows? I guess you're just gonna have to keep watching the episode be patient
My goodness. Anyway, thank you for tuning into Paul Vos playback aka the PP show for this week's love death and dice
I hope I can see you next week. And if not, well, then I guess you're just not that dedicated Wow get better
Why don't you do better?
Hell yeah
Dude hell yeah, dude, uh, the PB show is always the best literally the inspiration
Yeah with the forge literally, baby
We'll be in spice talk about that and the spice was like it's my butter's voice and I was like
Well, as long as you cuss a whole bunch. I'm down as fuck
So good so good. All right, everybody welcome. Welcome. Welcome on welcome all it's time to start the show
It was very much so time. So thank you so much for joining us back for episode 3 of love death and dice the wild beyond
So
Happy happy to get now when we did last leave off a lovely bunch of coke
You guys just entered through the mirror
The Fey realm the prism here
the domain
Upon entering into physical prism here, you noticed a few things around you which I will repeat it
You arrive
You stand at the edge of a raised
Broken causeway like a giant highway well for our modern brains
Under a hazy twilt sky the causeway, which was built from pale stones and columns
Glow faintly from within the towers over the surrounding landscape
But large sections of this causeway have crumbled away
There are parts that remain in place and they're separated by large gaps where portions have collapsed a fog
Drowns this whole swampy area below you it fans out in all directions
And up from its Merc wafts the smell of rotting plants also rising from the swamp is the music of a
symphony
Croaking frogs and singing birds and it seems to your ears as if they're actually singing in tune
and in melody with one another
Now you three all
Have a background with the Feywild you've all been here at one point in time in your lives at some point or another
Arriving here at the same time you guys hear the music and it activates something in each one of your minds
And all of you look at each other
And you begin to remember things from the Feywild
And you begin to remember things from the Feywild when you last left here the Feywild used to be one large continent
But Zablina the one who's gone missing used to keep this continent together
But it's slowly separated into three section
hither tither and
yawn
You guys find yourselves now
in the cinder continent of hither
You also remember a couple of other things that are pretty important below here
There are rules of conduct
Here in the land of the Feywild rules that everyone in the Fey must obey
Whether they be good or bad people they have to obey these laws
It is a magical law that goes down on everything
the rule of hospitality
Meaning when a friend an enemy or even a stranger enters inside of your home or your place of camp
You have to be gracious and accommodating until they give you a reason not to be
Second one is the rule of ownership. You cannot steal from a friend an enemy or a stranger
You cannot take something if someone else is the rightful ownership permission to that thing
It is a crime and it is a unforgivable breach of etiquette here in the Feywild last one
Is the rule of reciprocity?
When a friend an enemy or a stranger offers you a gift or something for free you are obliged to accept it
But you must offer them something back of comparable value
in return and such
Reciprocation need not to happen immediately, but it must happen
Within a good amount of time must happen you remember these three things now
Lastly Reiner
Yeah
Go hops
There you are
You get this intense feeling
After all these things come back you alone
This intense feeling that on this continent here and hither
The thing that you lost the thing you are searching for is here
somewhere
Which would be
Your leader your your command right or your guide
The gnome bar that taught you everything you know you get this feeling
She's here somewhere
So like how does this work is this like a compass now it points into directions that I need to go or
Would you like to roll me a wisdom check to see if you truly believe that or not
I
Guess I do
Under cook fish directly to jail 11
This is a 14 your iffy iffy all 14. Okay, you know that it doesn't work
Yeah
Now
We roll. Oh is there anything you guys want to say on these things that you just remember?
Entering back here. Oh now. This is a seven. This is a seven you kind of believe that yeah your penis will guide the way
Okay, looking your way through the fey wild
Yeah, all right music calm down a little bit
Yeah, anything you guys want to say about this area before I move on
It's nice. It's a frog since likes a bed singing. You know, it's like a good song you can do
You know, it's a sex too if you want. It's very peaceful. I like this
Is there any
Civilization
Well, there seems to be a guy playing the violin and the background somewhere, but he keeps stopping
Trying to turn it down
I turned it down for soon. I mean, it's
Gonna be a little hard to keep playing violin violin mid stroke, you know, that's you know
You got to take a break every so often. Yeah
So if we refer to our
Boundary ah
Foundry yeah
You guys find yourselves on this broken bridge it is about at least 50 feet down
Have nightmares
Good make sure to let us know what they're about. I though I already know but let us know how good
Are they gonna be about meth head bunny? No
I think they'll be about me. I'm so creepy German guy
So, you know comes with the territory
No, I think I'm the only one that's having nightmares about you. Oh, can you that was weird?
Yeah, can you scoot a little bit to your right?
Get more center. No all up in Connor
There you go, thank you I got Connors ass right in the face
That's what you like I truly don't and you know that
Love it was accurate to size though. Let's be honest. That was a good accurate size of how small is
Okay
The fridge what do we do hops what do you do I would like to hop down
Sixty feet down
Wow
Cheers, go then you lose most your life
Last time you feel 60 feet
Yeah, it's fine it's fine
You out of your day in mine. So every
10 feet above the initial 10 feet you take 1d6 of falling damage when this happens
Said how much 1d6
For every additional 10 feet, yes
It'll be fine. So what that's like 3d6
Oh, hold on. Hold on. I mean that's 5d6
Can I ask a question?
Yeah, um
Is there anything maybe we could like?
Tether to up here like is there a place like on the edges of this bridge?
Is there like a pillar of some kind that we could probably hold on to absolutely could be Romeo survival
Okay
I
Want
Click all my stuff. All right hard to see
narrow
Well, fuck me. All right
That's a one. It's hard to read chat. That was a one first roll of the night a one
So you do not see anything of that kind? No
All right, cuz I got a rope. I got a rope in my backpack according to my inventory
I got I got a 50 foot rope
Well, I think you guys are all like over thinking this cuz why don't you just fly across like I do?
Well, we weren't blessed with glitter wings
Okay, thanks Steve
How far is that how far is it across about 50 feet are the measured
I got 13 this time. Yeah, there's absolutely there's like a little hole in the rock that you could totally get your rope
Right
Cuz
We could just repeal ourselves down. Yeah, all right, mr. Glitter wings
You could just fly down. We know it. We know it. Oh, we're going to fly down
We're not going to like try to cross the bridge. I mean you could it's not the intended direction though
But hey who each there. Oh
Yeah, well I'm going to gently float down to 60 feet to the grounds and I'll take it violet
You see this little hole and you pull out this rope
Wrap it around and tie it off and knot it down
You uh have some experience tying some ropes from your carnival days
You know fixing stages other kinds of stuff. You put the pants up. That's right. So it's actually pretty good
And you lower yourself down
I was gonna scoop up pops with me cuz he's small
And it's still gonna be about a fast drop when we get to the bottom
It's either you just make the jump or you don't
true
Okay, that's fine pops so yes you agree to this
Yeah, good good good. Okay, you guys make
It to the bottom
Now
I'm gonna try to get it to the bottom
Okay, so
I'm gonna try to get it to the bottom
Now as you make it
To the bottom you see
in the distant sky
as you're going down a
great balloon
Made of patchwork material
It's spiraling out of control as though it's been punctured
Causing the wicker basket that hangs from it to swing wildly the balloon plunges almost out of sight
and
Disappears to the west of you and you hear like a crash
Because that was weird
But this is the Feywilds, you know, so everything is weird
Absolutely
Now sticky mud I remember it stank in this much
Squelches between your underneath your feet. Um, you guys you have permissions to move your own
Minis here in founder. Yeah
Nice cool, so um, don't go too far stop stop stop stop stop
Sorry, I have the wings. It's easy for me to fly
Thank you stay who keeps moving my
Moving me
What do you stop moving me? Stay stay. We did one action you damn nerds now
Sticky mud squelches beneath your feet
There are tangled
Mangroves that grow out of pools of rippling water hidden by the thick fog all around you
You can see purple mushrooms clinging to rotting logs and stumps scattered throughout this whole marsh
crickets
That glow like fireflies chirp threenly
Or they're snatched out of the air by tongues of large hungry frogs
coming from one direction
into be
several voices joined in a marching song
The singing grows louder
As you start to see six bipedal rabbits wearing clothing
Merged from the fog two of them tug at the reins of a giant snail and the other
hairy clubs and slings
They sing
With sticks and stones will break your nose will beat you blind and steal your clothes
But none among us can compare to one willy swift and stand-up hair
Scarf that's glorious thief notorious his deeds are truly notorious
With a wink and grin he'll show you his cunning a flash of his scarf and he'll take off running as quick as a bolt
His slongs off trailing
Gasping and grasping you'll end up flailing you'll pout you'll moan you'll huff you'll sneer
Thanks to Agdon longscarf bregan prince of prince of prismia
Why is he the lovely king as they finish singing
a huge
Crane like a bird
ginormous lies out from behind some trees and goes sailing off into the sky and you can tell that it's not like
You know, there's nothing this crane isn't coming after you but the singing has spooked it so it's flown off and as it does
All six of them with their snail
Look your direction
Do you?
I also imagine that I didn't make dr. Hopps go through the mud to get his fur all fucked up
I imagine he's just riding on my shoulder
He's wearing all white
He's wearing all white mud does a terrible awful to the to the white linens, right? I'll never get it out
Boundary's broken. Hold on trying to get it to uh, do its thing
Well, I think just a pickle and a barrel your guys's way yes, I was gonna show you on the map but it's fine
So
I'll let that fix
A little dirt won't kill you hops. All right
You'll have no idea
Now I mean why risk it when you got a six foot ten teeth when who will carry you there you go there you go
So three of the heron gone have their weapons drawn and the other one
Just has his hand on the giant snail like his pack animal and he's like whipping it to go forward
As they see you guys all of them hop towards you all four of them and they kind of like
Get real close
About 10 or so feet away and each one of them. Well
They all have a grin on their face, but the main one's like
Hey, this is a robbery
If you resist
If you resist gonna beat you black and blue
Oh, you're just adorable ain't you hey I am threatening
Are you yes
I'm going to choose the black and blue when I am like flying, you know the 20 feet in the air
How are you going to do this? I could jump
You can jump in the sticky mud yes, yeah, well, yeah, okay. Yeah
I I am waiting for you
Look is is like your entire what you refuse our robbery
Refuse yes
Do you ever accepted a robbery has anyone ever accepted the robbery like
Do is it an enjoyable thing to do?
I guess it could be if this like rope involved and you're getting you know, so tied up
But we could do a game of robbery on robbery you rob us and then we rob you right back
But fair fair, right you could do like a lot of tying up and you know, it could be you know, like it's essentially um, um, um
Um, violet roll me some persuasion. Go ahead
All right. Yeah, i'm a little disgruntled that foundry is just fucking frozen
I'm trying to fix it. It keeps trying to paint walls for some reason and i'm not trying to do that. Yo foundry
facade
I got an eight only a six plus two
He's like no, I don't want to I don't want to no you ain't gonna steal nothing from us
We have a quota to fill where we will be the ones doing the robbery today
Boy, wait a second. What you collected hold on my little furry friend
Are you not aware of our quota and how this supersedes yours?
Uh, what's your quota?
Well, our quota is that we need to gather all of the supplies in the area and ask for help from all the local herring gun
to contribute to our cause to go find you know
Our friends because we have been given this mission by the overworld to come here and do this
So if you do not give us your things you're in violation of the law my friend
And I'm afraid we are going to have to write you a ticket very expensive ticket
Oh, that's right
Romy there you go. Go ahead. Romy persuasion there writer
Is it persuasion or deception? It would totally yeah, it would be just because you're lying your ass off right now
This is a 22
He's like
He like jumps up in the air tries to get close to he's like whispering he's like jumping in the air. He's like did uh
Did agdon tell you this
Yes agdon was very specific with his instructions and he told us if anybody interferes that we would have to like
Tell him about it and I don't want to do that to you guys because you guys seem cool
Oh
Well, i'm if agdon and a word
Shit, fuck cheers. Moby
Cheers to Moby. He's like, oh Moby's here. We can't say the fuck word
If agdon told you that you know, i'm just I think okay, I mean that's
That's just uh, we we follow agdon to the dead
I mean agdon's the one that told us we had to come over here and and take people's happiness. That's all but that's why we're here
uh
Okay, you say take people's happiness that's all you're doing well we're headed off this way. What are you guys looking for?
Well, you know we were looking for some things that would be useful in the in the fair wild to help us like navigate it
So we can go save our friends, you know very important instructions from agnons that we receive this
Okay, but if you have anything like that that could help us out. That would be great
Fucking sick of you, dude. Um, so
Hold on d8 real quick
One thing's gone not the way the dm planned
ever always be prepared three
As you say that this swampy area
Something like the fireflies were all like happy and the frogs and stuff that were chirping. They kind of like stop chirping
Flies start to buzz around you and pester you
Are we surrounded by red caps
They start to pester you
but then
He says uh
Well, we didn't get much. I I did get one single thing. Uh, there was this bullywog that we totally robbed
Idiot well, he didn't have any happy memories. So he just gave us something else instead, which I thought was fine
I mean we were just trying to take his happy memories. We have no need for this
Material stuff it doesn't meet our quota so you can have it and he hands you a cap
It is a cap of celebration
It is a green hat
That has a bright red feather stuck in its band
This cap has three charges and while wearing it you can expend one or more of its charges to cast one of the following spells
Tasha's hideous laughter for one charge or enthrall for two charges and the cap regains all expended charges daily at dawn
Oh, wow
Yeah, this is great
It's kind of like, you know fairy like I guess it's a small hat. So like I mean, it's too flashy for me. Anyway, so
No, I like it. This is very good. That's good
Also, are you just going for happy memories or do you take happy stories as well
Whatever you have that's happy we're stealing it and you can't have it anymore. It's ours
I mean i'll give one to you. I'll give you a happy story
As a gift well, hey, this is the trade of reciprocity. I gave your friend the hat you give me a happy memory and we're all happy
Yeah, I got a bit of a story. So there's one time this one time. Oh, this is great. Um
If you tell me this story, I will take it from will no longer know it
That's fine. It's recorded somewhere. It goes into his bag and he pulls out this gourd
And it's kind of like it's shaped like this huge cord
That's got a big old long thing on it and it has a doorknob on the front of it and he holds out this orange gourd and he's like
Touch the gourd and tell the story
All right
So, you know how like mr
Johnny law just always coming for your business, right?
Like you never get nothing from nobody and like johnny law just come down on you for like no reason, right?
We all been there. So there's one time we're out venturing right and we are hungery
We have been in like three days and we're all getting cranky
You know that hangry but like the delivery is hangry when you get got the low blood sugars
Anyway, I figure you know what I can do. I can get us a mess of fish. I know fishing fishing's my thing
I got some good fishing. I got a hook sword for a reason. You know what i'm saying?
Anyway, i'm down by the creek. I'm getting a mess of fish. I got a big old bushel of fish. It's the best
Thing ever. I missed your old johnny law this guard from the god of war
This guard from the god knows whatever small rinky dink town we were going through comes through and goes
Hey, you got a license for all those fish?
And i'm like, I don't know you need a license to fish but i'm smart i'm quick on my feet
I I know what i'm doing and i'm like no also for listen here
These are my pet fish
I bring them here
Every couple of weeks I bring them out to the pond and I let them swim around that call them back and I bring them home
And he goes, I don't believe the word of that and i'm like officer. I could show you right now
I'll miss you what?
Cross my heart and hope to die and he's like, all right show me
So I just dumped the fish out back into the creek and they all swim away
He goes all right now calling back and i'm like, I don't know what you're talking about officer
And I just went on my merry way. You can't write a ticket. I don't have no fish
That's crazy, you know that intoxicable world is way weird from the faint wild
You know, they they charge you to fish
That's crazy. I'm saying it's buck wild over there. Who's running that joint?
That's crazy. Well, you can let go of the doorknob now
And you're right
And this fishing story just erases from your memory and he goes thanks for telling me that and you're like
Telling you what?
Exactly, and then he puts the gourd back in his um
back in his saddle bag
I see you have a herring gone floating with you
Do you follow agron?
Praise agron
All right, good. You know if you see him, you know just uh
Uh, he's he's been sending us herring on out to get happy memories for whatever reason and and apparently now we're we're getting things for for y'all
Well, that's news to me. So
We'll be on the road
I I wouldn't I wouldn't suppose you would have a like a map of the area
Because that that'd be kind of nice
Well
We're going over your supplies, right?
Quite honestly, we don't have no maps and the faint wild is so weird. Just
You know, don't go too deep in the fog
If you don't know your way to hither tither or yawn from where you are, you'll get lost in that fog
And you'll never be seen again. So just avoid the fog
There's a bird fucking getting it in the background, I love it be so happy dude
He's like that that bird would have a great name like Ringo and he is just jamming I love him
Hey, so uh herring gun friend, you know, you know the herring gun handshake and he holds out his paw
I'm gonna grab his paw and cast the spell
Okay, what are you casting
That's the fish story. Yeah, what a good fucking story you guys
Dang it. I said the f-word. So cheers. That was wonderful
I cast divination crystal
No, no, no
Oh you establish it's a telepathic link with one of the beasts you touch that is friendly
To you or charmed by you the spell feels if the beast's intelligence is four or higher
Is it a four or higher?
Uh, actually I could check one sec
If my dang old map will load I forgot to refresh this bad boy, that's my own fault
Oh gosh darn what you doing? Get your shit together girl
right
My goodness, let's see. Um, his intelligence is 10
Well, it fizzles and nothing happens oh shit
He's like, ah, what was that what was what was that?
Listen we do not have time for pleasantries. We need to complete the missions that you know
Agnon gave us or else we are going to be in a lot of trouble, especially you guys too. Oh, you're so right
We're gonna uh, whatever your name is herring gun friend. We'll get that handshake in later for now. We gotta go
Right. Yeah, you've never taught me no handshake. Can I learn a handshake from you feels?
well
I don't know. Are you cool?
I mean, I mean we called you guys cool earlier. Why would we not be cool? I mean look tiefling
You're three times the size of us. It's gonna be hard to do a handshake. It's gonna take a lot of effort
You're gonna have to prove to us that you're cool do something cool
Um, all right
Not any melons
I have a gourd
Is it important
Yes
It's the gourd and you probably don't want to give me that gourd. Oh, yeah
I wonder what these trees grow only a survival if you succeed i'll let chat pick a random fruit for these trees to be growing
Last time we did this they were growing capri sun pouches. So that was fun
Um, yes, that's a 13 you succeed chat
Why don't you use the name of thing command and throw out some random things that these here trees are
I don't know. I don't know
That's a 13 you succeed chat. Why don't you use the name of thing command and throw out some random things that these here trees
might be growing for
Violet to use as a prop here
That violet could possibly use to crush between your thighs
And make snakes
Well, uh, they are growing walnuts
Yes, hubert says pubert
That was like a good response i like this steve that's nasty
Pokemon what carts
Oh, an entire tree full of dick cheese.
I don't want that near my thighs.
Listen, that's disgusting.
Eggs of fine familiar.
Is bunch of eggs.
OK, well, you're going to have to figure out what to do with this item here.
So I'll let you pick durian.
All right. Hold on.
Oh, wait, I need to make it.
You know, this thing.
Hold on. Sorry, my dad.
My sneaky, really hard to things in the world you could choose.
Rose bubble wrap.
Oh, that sounds awesome.
Cans of tomatoes.
When rats always.
The rats.
It grows.
Prosthetic thighs.
There you go, Liz.
This is the Feywild, y'all.
That's not confusing.
Stuff like this is going to happen more than once.
And it's the Feywild.
So we could literally put whatever we want and it still makes sense.
Oh, hot damn.
It is a tree that grows Cadbury cream eggs.
OK, he looks at the tree.
He looks at big ones like the big special holiday ones.
Oh, Jesus.
Rats just grow on trees.
Wow. He's like.
What you going to do with them?
I'm going to.
I'm going to plug one down.
And I'm going to I'm actually not even going to use my thighs this time,
because I'm just so big because the Cadbury cream eggs in my real life
that are bigger are about this big.
So it's going to be huge for them.
It's going to be like bigger than their head.
But what I'm going to do is I'm going to stick it right here.
And motherfucker, I'm built different.
And I'm just going to.
Nice. I'm all crush it.
There's a take a step to your right there.
Are you hiding for you?
Hiding on purpose. Oh, no, he's on my other shoulder.
Other way.
Too far.
Well, he can't also see very well, so I'm just telling them.
All right. There you go. Yeah.
All right. You got to make it cool to roll me performance.
All right. All right.
Well, I mean, I never succeeded in any sort of role, but we'll go for it.
Turds can loop shaped like ass cheeks.
Oh, that'd be a 14.
Nice. You do it.
You like you pop it.
Carmel just loses down your arm.
And he's like, yeah, it's fond and shit.
It's good stuff.
Hey, that was that's pretty cool.
You are. And I'm just going to pick up that.
I'm going to pick up the two halves that are kind of crushed
that still have the goop in them and hand them over to the little herring
gun fillers and they go eat up snacks.
You know, oh, these are nice.
He's like, well, you fed my crew.
And I guess as a token of reciprocity for you giving them food,
I will then teach you the handshake.
So this is bad. And he holds out his little tiny paw
and you like grab it with your two little fingers.
Yeah, I'm I do two fingers. I'm I'm a
any I have experience with hair gowns, this little thing,
you know, and he only does it once.
So so I want you to roll me wisdom.
See if you can remember it for later.
And if you succeed, you know, write it down on your character sheet
that you know the secret hair and gone handshake.
Remember it for later. My goodness. All right.
Oh, well, gosh darn, that's a dirty 20 right there.
You know, this hand shake by heart.
Feel free to write down secret hair and gone handshake on your character sheet.
Hell, yeah.
Yeah. Well, we're done here.
I guess we're going to go see if we can find some stuff and then we'll come find you.
Yeah. And he pulls out a whip and he whips the shit out of his snail.
Oh, gosh.
Don't get on.
Reiner doing jujitsu.
There you go. But she's like, you know,
and the snail slithers.
And they fuck off.
Be.
That big and I love this book.
So. All right.
After the.
Tokens of reciprocity that you've given him
and the smiles you put on the small hair and gone faces.
Three.
You can see over to the side, some fireflies.
Couch coin gather.
Violet for the fishing story.
Hell, yeah.
You see some fireflies gather and they're all like dancing together,
like out of happiness.
Over on the side.
Yeah.
We have it.
So you can see from where you guys are.
Also, I'm going to show you kind of the map a little bit.
Though each one of you guys are from the Feywild,
you actually do know this area a little bit.
And on foundry, I did give you guys permission.
So you can also pull this hither map up whenever the fuck you want to.
If you ever want to refer back to it, you have permissions.
But for right now, I'm just going to go ahead and activate it here.
Could be could be.
So this is what you guys remember a little bit now down to the south
is where you seen the balloon crash.
Into this big old power.
People were screaming as they were going down.
Now, of course, you do not have to head that direction,
but that is the closest thing to you currently.
I mean, do you all want to go check out the balloon crash?
I do not care if we go, we could check this out.
This could be like cool.
Maybe we could like have a glass of wine while we're going down there or something.
I don't know if I can help you with wine,
but I can give you another one of Cadbury Green Eggs.
That would be OK. You know, some chocolate.
Yeah, you know, it's too bad.
I'm just going to pick two more and I'm going to hand one to Reiner
and one to Dr. Hopps.
Oh, thank you.
I just drink something.
I saw her. Hope you're doing well.
Like I said, you just like.
Some darn chairs for the Sora.
Hell, yeah.
What the fuck?
Oh, yes, she is.
She is for you.
Oh, yeah, there you go.
We're good. OK.
You guys start heading down south towards this rash.
Now, while you're headed that direction, my friends.
Hopping along, eating your eggs, the frogs and I'm flying
and I am singing the song.
Sing it.
Yes.
This one's for the balloon.
They're going down down in an earlier round sugar.
They're going down swinging.
I'll be your number one with a bullet.
A load of God complex
cock and pull it.
He only said cock one time in that song.
He did. But he also said he had a God complex.
It's true. No, it's just fallout dwarf.
That's just how they are.
Oh, that's fair.
I haven't listened to much fallout dwarf since I, you know, the mid 20s.
The mid 20s.
All the mid 20s.
Wait, are we making this cannon right now?
Fall out, hell yeah.
Fallout dwarf.
All out dwarf.
Let's get the boys.
What kind of boys is the fallout boys?
Some people are.
Is it the shame bell for me?
Who are you doing the shame bell?
No, that was me trying not to slam my thing out of laughter.
You all normally can't see that, but my camera angle, you can see that now.
I do this a lot.
OK, fallout dwarf is now cannon.
I paid points. It has to be great.
Now we have system of a draw and fallout dwarf.
So that's cool.
Great.
Great. OK, I wish I could start a band.
I feel like I could think of a good band name.
Right. Think of one. Let's get it.
Here we go. You guys make it a family band,
but we're just like a bunch of thrash metal.
We could call ourselves the violent fems.
Mm hmm. Yes.
Very good. Very good.
That was appropriate.
In the mist field of the tall swamp.
In the mist field of the tall swamp,
the grass is dotted with clusters of cattails.
You guys hear some rustling.
Me want rustling in the vegetation ahead of you.
You guys want to eat a cattail?
You stand there. I'm going to stop.
And the rustling is continued by six
creatures that emerge from the cattails.
Y'all look a little bit like this.
Yeah, masks on, cages on their backs.
They're using stilts to walk through the mud.
Oh, they're fun.
As they advance, you guys recognize them
as six hobgoblins.
They're wearing patchwork rags
and strapped to the back of the
GIFT AN ITEM
of these stilt walkers.
You get an item.
Um, is a wire cage with straw
filled with eggs of various different sizes and colors.
Violet, you know these from your childhood.
These hobgoblins scour the swamp
for eggs and reptiles and birds
of which they either eat or trade to the Bullywogs.
They're not they don't seem violent,
but as they walk through,
one of them towers above you on his stilts and looks down and he's a.
How are you walking through the swamp?
Can I give him a Cadbury cream egg?
It's a half of one that I have.
It's as I have.
You hold it out and he looks and he.
Cadbury cream egg
from a Cadbury cream egg tree.
Those are awfully rare.
Where did you? Oh, we found one over there.
Where is over there?
You know, like where is the big
it's a big bridge in the middle of the land starts, you know?
I don't. Do you know the break in the bridge?
I don't. Oh, well, it's near there.
I don't I can't tell you, you know, it's been a while since I've been here.
I will trade you, of course, reciprocity.
You cannot give without taking.
I will give you an egg.
In trade for this half of egg.
OK, he stabs the stilt into the mud.
Pulls out this large polka dotted egg,
hands it to you and then takes the chocolate one
and replaces it in his cage,
just the cage and grabs the stilt.
Is this egg like how big is this egg?
To you. Oh, OK.
So like. This is like dinosaur.
You're holding the watermelon.
To you. But it's not as heavy as a watermelon.
He's got it on your arm now.
Chat. Chat, it's your turn again.
I need you to use the name of thing command
and pick out a creature of which there is a youngling or a baby form,
because if Reiner takes care of this egg for long enough,
it may or may not hatch into whatever that is.
I need you to use the name of thing command and pick whatever creature
it will turn into. I'm going to secretly write it down.
Everyone use the name of thing command.
I give you a whole ass give the Yankee come out of that egg.
He loved that.
He just comes out all pissed off.
He's like, man, I'd be so mad if I got a guinea pig.
I mean, I don't IRL don't get rodents, man.
Yeah, you can't you can't have a guinea pig all by itself.
That's that's inhumane.
You got to give him a friend.
You can't double entry, Liz.
It doesn't work like that.
Hey, I did do whatever they want.
I did not know you could have autonomes from an egg.
You know, I don't know from an egg.
Yeah, dude. A bear.
Can I say actually how warfares are formed?
Oh, my goodness.
You guinea pig and the whole family.
Just like 15 guinea pigs and an egg. Mm hmm.
Oh, no, not a little.
The litter of fucking root.
Nice. What's a pseudo dragon?
Is that a type of dildo?
Possibly the ball.
Fifteen guinea pigs, a number just keeps increasing.
Fifteen guinea pigs in an egg.
They all have clocks.
It's power world. What the fuck?
Just.
It's 15 penguins.
Monk in there.
Dude.
Okay.
Now, he walks away,
and as he's walking away, he says.
He turns back to you, Rainer, and he goes,
Thanks for the trade.
We're bonded now.
Oh, yes.
My name is Himmi.
Is Himmi.
Nice to meet you, Himmi.
I am known as Rainer.
Nice to meet you, Rainer.
And they in the mud just keep walking.
After that, you guys continue forward.
But it's not too long.
Before hops.
You're walking through the trees
and you put your hand on one of these trees
and you have a vision.
You have a vision of a headless,
child-sized scarecrow with metal lobster claws for hands.
He's trying on new heads,
including an upside down wooden bucket
and a withered head of cabbage.
He eventually decides on a large gourd.
He pokes holes in it for eyes and draws a mouth,
and then he turns and looks at you,
and then the vision ends.
Yeah.
You're right.
No, I haven't had enough divination crystal today.
I'm saying shit, man.
All right.
Are you okay, though?
Do you need some help?
No, I'll be fine.
Just give me one second.
I'm going to bust out my little baggie
of limited supply of crystal.
Just kind of hop off to the bush.
Gonna do a bump of crystal?
Got you a crystal now?
Okay.
You hop over to a bush.
You do a bump.
When you do a bump,
make me another wisdom check.
Yes!
Shhhhh.
The rabbit's getting high again.
That's a long...
Hi.
Have a question.
It's 19.
Ooh, sick.
All right, here we go.
Ready, ready, ready, ready?
Here we go.
You have another vision of the future.
Oh, maybe you don't.
Reroll it.
I like that one from another world.
Yeah.
Mickey Ryder.
Oh.
All right, there's no visions.
You ain't saying shit.
There's no visions.
Right.
Yeah.
He comes back out of the bushes,
hoppin', sniffin', going crazy.
These stilt walkers have finished
whatever the hell they were doing.
And you guys eventually get out of the swamp water
and up onto like a little bit of land.
It's still a little murky and a little wet,
but you guys are completely out of the fog.
And as you get up onto the land and out of the water,
you see up ahead a few, I don't know,
hundred feet...
A few feet away.
You see a crumbling stone tower
that rises out of the swamp,
but it's leaning at such an angle
that it actually looks like it's about to fall over.
You can see black brambles all on the base of the tower
that cling to the tower's lower half,
almost holding it there,
and hanging from the top of the tower on the side,
on the lower side of the tower,
is a large woven basket.
And at the end
of a tangle of ropes
and tattered fabric pieces of the basket
just coming there,
the basket dangles 30 feet above the surface of the swamp.
You guys are about a hundred feet away.
Can I float up there and see what's in the basket?
As you guys get closer,
you're following Reiner,
and Reiner, you begin to fly up.
You hear as you approach.
Psst!
You there!
I need your help.
Who's this speaking?
Shh!
I mean,
a bit of a bind as you can observe, sir.
I...
Sir Tal'kvar,
one of the Summoner Queens' loyal servants.
I ask that you free me.
You see, I was in the midst of a daring escape
from the vile bar von Leymann of Leitstra,
when our balloon was set upon by an ill wind
and sent us plummeting to its current unfortunate location.
My pilot, the Honorable Wigglewog, did not survive,
so I've been trapped up here for a while now.
Help me, please.
I want to save all of Prism.
A while?
The balloon just crashed.
Well, time, you see, works different here in the Feywild.
But be careful.
There are two serpents.
They seem to be asleep in the bramble just outside the tower door.
Do not awaken them, for I fear that they may devour me.
I am afraid of these...
serpents.
Okay, are you in the basket?
A new nerd follows the shit show.
Brewing chaos D&D!
Thank you so much for the follow, friend. Cheers!
Any negative effects? None yet.
Uh, stab him and lose corpse. Don't trust him.
Um, you say, are you in the basket?
Um...
Then...
After you say that, you guys just get close enough
to the basket to almost be able to see.
And with blinding speed, the upper window of the tower suddenly slams open
and the shadowy form of a creature reaches out
and plucks a silver birdcage from the balloon's basket.
And a quick cry for help is cut short as the window sams shut.
Like, help!
Like...
Hmm...
Well, that was weird.
And I float back down to the others.
What was that?
I don't know. He got like, kidnapped or, you know...
The shadowy figure took him back into the house for like, you know, some...
non-consensual sexy time. I don't know.
But it is not a problem. We can like, you know, go.
I'm okay with that.
I mean, I don't feel right leaving a poor feller, but...
I mean, do we have any leads on where we're supposed to be heading?
No, not really!
Listen, I do not have like, you know, the super...
like, hardcore, you know...
initiative to like, do this, but if you guys want to do...
you know, I could like, you know, hang back and watch you do it.
Did he tell you his name?
Uh, I think he did, but I was more focused on like, you know...
if there was anything in the basket.
Apparently he was, because he got dragged into the tower.
But, um...
No, I didn't. I don't remember his name.
That is why I'm uninterested.
Well, because I'm saying, if you could remember his name...
we could just knock on the tower and be like, hey...
I believe you got our friend in there. We can free him that way.
We can... you know...
if he's not... if he's wronging somebody, that goes against one of the primary laws of this land.
Ugh.
Okay, whatever.
Nope, wrong way. Sorry, I don't know my life from my rights.
I got the ADHD.
Okay, so, um...
You guys approach the tower. What do you do?
It's up to you.
Hello. Oh, also I want to say...
I think it was this hand that came out and snatched.
Is that Link from Link's Tomb of Adventure?
Hello, my friend. We know you from Instagram. Thank you for joining us.
I hope you're having a voodoo party.
I know you through another world.
Oh, yes. Yes.
I think I've played some modus with it.
Ryner might have a 69 HDs.
Indeed.
So...
Can we like approach, but then like take a short break?
Yeah, I was actually waiting. Those of you guys who don't know, I'm waiting.
I'm supposed to have a washer and dryer delivered and I was waiting for that to happen
because I was going to take a break then, but they still ain't fucking here yet.
So, um...
Yeah, you can't trust delivery people. They just have you wait around all day.
Delivery people?
Oh, this is... this is giving me an idea.
Oh, OK.
We need to pose as delivery people to gain access to the tower.
This is how we would save our friends.
Can I ask how big that arm was that came out the window?
Oh, good question. Roll me a perception check.
Well, I was the closest. I should be making the perception.
They were below, so all of you can actually do it, and I'll give you advantage because you were so close.
OK, there's a good thing you gave me advantage.
DC 14.
I have a 13, because the first one was a nanty one.
I just failed. I also got a 13.
You just failed.
I got a 13 as well.
You all fail. Fuck.
So, all you can make out is that the skin that grabbed the cage almost seemed to look a little purple.
Reroll.
And Violet gets a reroll.
I don't know why you wasted on me, but all right.
Oh, never mind. That was 19.
Hell yeah.
So, being that you're from the Feywild, you have the history here.
Not only do you notice that the hand itself that came out and grabbed it was purple,
you also notice that its right thumb looked like it had been cut off, and it only had four fingers, and it grabbed the cage in a weird way.
And you can see the stump where its thumb used to be.
Additionally, its skin reminds you of a creature that you actually kind of know from the Feywild being an Ettercap.
And Ettercaps are either friendly or completely not friendly.
But you cannot confirm if it is or is not that thing, but it does kind of resemble that.
OK, but look, this didn't answer my question. How big was it?
Big size. Your size.
What? My size.
All right.
Also, do we have a picture what Ettercap is?
Hey, you know, I.
Sorry. Oh, did you hear a good call?
I will show you an Ettercap if that is what it is.
I did hear it. Connor's drinking White Claws today.
Connor hasn't drank on a short a long time. Cheers, bud.
Yes, cheers. Cheers to me.
Me too. The rules have to be decent even in a long time.
Listen, I like another world.
I like your optimism, but like it's been three seasons now.
Ain't nothing doing my roles good.
I've had shit roles.
Yeah, ain't nothing doing my roles good.
I mean, I had like one episode in my first season where like DM Turk kept trying to hit me
and he only could do like one damage out of like 15 times trying to hit me.
That was the only time I've ever had good look for roles every other time.
Shit. Nine at best.
Apparently this season it's 13s.
It's better. 13s are usually better than nines or fours.
Mm hmm. That was a rough that was a rough like half season.
OK, well, I guess you guys know what you're up against.
We'll give you this short little break to kind of decide on what you want to do with this leaning tower.
And yeah, the test was cursed.
And we're going to come back in a few minutes, everybody.
But before we do, let's do a sitting on thumbnail pose.
Now, if you're new around here, we call these thumbnail poses because they're just green screen.
But we use them for promos and art and memes and other kinds of stuff.
We love really shitty Photoshop's put in these guys places.
Honestly, our favorite thing in the world.
So if you have some ideas for poses for these guys, please make sure to throw them in chat.
Then they will try to interpret them however the fuck they can.
Also, we do gifts now. We're doing gifts.
I've made a whole bunch of them.
So you can actually use them on like Facebook and Instagram and other kinds of shit on your stories.
If you type in the grouch couch with no spaces, you can find us everywhere, baby.
So if you have any ideas for gifts, also post those in chat.
Yeah, for now.
Why don't each one of you guys pretend like you're eating a Cadbury cream egg?
Oh, this would be a good Photoshop.
Nice, nice. Pretty good.
Contrast on that is going to be so easy to Photoshop because your skin color compared to that thing.
Exactly. I was thinking ahead.
Mid sneeze.
I don't like the way that phrase started at mid sneeze.
Is that the dick sneeze or what?
Dick sneeze.
Y'all ever have a fever and ejaculate and it comes out like easy cheese or like scrambled eggs?
Oh, did you just say?
Don't know. I didn't like it.
I know, but I didn't like it.
All right. We'll be right back, everybody.
Don't go anywhere.
And while we're gone, just so you know, Proteus has their own channel.
Get over there and follow them, too.
You could also check out our merch store.
You check out our website.
You can check out all different kinds of stuff on our website.
We've got some fun stuff coming up in the future.
Ain't they whistles?
Just, you know, favorite tab our website.
Get that checked out.
Me and Obstracto working on a new comic.
We got music going on over there.
We got every kind of shows.
Check out our fucking website, y'all.
Although it doesn't need to be updated.
All right, we'll be right back, everybody.
I love you.
I'll be right back.
Someone pin thing, please.
Wait, what thing?
What are we pinning?
This?
Do you want this pinned?
We'll be right back.
Welcome back, you sons of bitches.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Thank you so much for being awesome.
Like the fuck is this?
How?
I don't tell eight, you know, it just yeah, that's all I got to say about that.
Anyways.
Hello, everybody.
I'm Dungeon Master Turkey and I'm here with three amazing fucking role players.
Show them some love chat.
Come on.
Fishy is Dr. Hops.
Come on.
That's right.
Kate, children of Proteus is Violet.
That's right.
Come on.
And also right here.
Thank you.
Thanks for that.
Yes.
We're back.
This is the second part of the second half here, part of episode three of love, death
and dice.
The wild beyond.
Where the fuck were we?
Huh?
We were saying that's not a tear.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was this it was just saying in a tiny birdcage, it just got snatched up into the top section
of the tower and he seemed really friendly.
He sounded like some kind of prince or something and he needs your help.
And you can decide to go into the tower and help save him or just move the fuck on.
Now, it is a very slanted, crazy tower with brambles kind of holding it in place as it's
tilting off to the side.
He did mention something about snakes at the entrance.
What do you guys do?
Oh, yeah, the party.
What do you guys do?
Could I fly up to the window where he was taken in?
Yes, you do that.
You get up there and it looks like the windows is like covered in cobwebs.
Roll me a perception to try and see through.
Gonna be really high DC on this.
This is a 14.
You can't really make out much.
It's really dark in there, but you can hear him still.
He's like, well, what about the rule of respite?
OK, that's fine.
Can I just call?
Please?
I don't want to be here.
Oh, goodness.
Help me.
Someone help.
That little fellow, Reggie.
Hmm.
Well, you said you had an idea, Reiner, that had to do a delivery.
A delivery or the telegram, whatever you want to do.
We just need to, you know.
I can't fight him.
Listen, I cannot do this.
That's easy for me.
Keep your eyes on this guy.
He's not that easy.
Good try.
There we go.
I got a good point.
So I'm going to take it.
I'm going to take it.
15.
Still the same result.
Good try.
Oh, also, we got a good point in the chat earlier from Pubert.
Pubert had a redeemed an item for Reiner and I don't think we ever pulled it.
Oh, yes, this is true.
But what you guys do, come on.
You continue.
Is there a door to the tower?
Yes, set our guarded by the big snakes.
They were in the bushes, right?
They can't be that big.
You know, how big are these big snakes in comparison to me?
I think she's the biggest thing in the Feywild.
I mean, maybe, but I think there are things about my size here.
I'm just saying.
No, you're the strongest thing.
Can I try to charm the snakes?
You haven't even encountered the snakes, guys.
Tell me, what do you do?
Well, I guess I'll go knock on the door if that's what we want to do.
Right.
Here's my only advice.
While you guys are approaching, each one of you roll me a stealth check.
Because you don't.
I'm good.
These snakes, yes.
Also, hi, Hori!
Advantage or disadvantage?
I know you don't have sound on, but hello.
I got a point, team.
Advantage, violet.
Oh, hail industries.
I have a 12.
For my stealth check.
And.
Well, I got a dirty 20.
I got a dirty 20 and an 18, so dirty 20 it is.
Right. All of you guys succeed.
As you're approaching the door,
you hear rattles and the brambles below.
There are two snakes slithering around.
Now, to a small fairy, these might seem like ginormous snakes.
But to the size of you, violet, they seem like normal sized snakes.
Two of them down there just slithering around underneath.
They don't pay attention.
Do they look dangerous?
Are they a normal like, are they normal snakes?
Like, what kind of snakes are they?
I don't know.
Do you want to know?
Roll me a survival.
Are they?
Are they like garter snakes or are they like a rat snake
or are they like a rattlesnake or are they like
a Zitraza snake?
Could I really hope he's not a trouser?
Well, I didn't do shit.
I got a fucking idea.
You are.
I honestly you aren't even sure if those are snakes.
To be to be frank with you, we were all damn it.
What are these big worms doing out here?
OK, that's an 18 this time.
OK, yeah, they're normal, like gardener snakes.
OK. Yeah.
OK, then I ain't worried.
Garter snakes ain't no nothing to worry about.
Reapproach the door.
And you see it's already kind of cracked open from maybe whenever it fell.
And as you step up on the porch, it just creaks all the way open.
Now, three of you step inside.
And being the good ass dungeon master, I am the map.
Not you, but I get out of here now.
Now, what's our plan here?
Are we pretending to be delivery people or are we just going to pretend
like we're friends with this failure that got pulled in?
Well, we can't be the delivery people because we are now breaking and entering.
This is what you would call a B and E.
And this is an arrestable offense in the overworld.
So I guess we're in this now.
Now, before we move forward, though, your item, Rhino,
you get the eagle rein.
It is a glove.
Oh, a glove.
The glove of eagle rein.
This thick glove is ornamented with eagle feathers
and fitted with an enchanted silk lining.
You can use the glove to cast find familiar.
When you do, the familiar takes the form of an eagle.
The familiar disappears when you're not attuned to the glove.
You can focus on the glove for an hour to summon a giant eagle
that appears in an empty space.
The giant eagle will live for 12 hours.
Once the eagle disappears, it can't be summoned for two days.
The giant eagle is friendly to you and your companions.
It will also roll an initiative with you.
The giant eagle has a carrying capacity of 480 pounds
and can fly up to eight miles an hour.
You say it survives for 12 hours.
Is it like a Luna Martha?
How is an eagle that big?
How is an eagle that big only flying at eight miles an hour?
No idea. Low eagle.
Just it just has one flap per flight.
Is that it?
You know, that's our
who said, I don't have a lot of knowledge about D&D.
Well, I have no fear, Hoolery.
You're still welcome here, my friend.
I always explain things as they happen, so you know what's going on.
Really, we're mostly a role play channel
that like to tell funny ass fucking stories.
So please join us.
And we like art and support a new nerd.
Follows the shit show.
Buildo zero zero. Cheers, friend.
Welcome to the shit show.
Yeah, Hooleries from watches watches.
You know, children are proteases, art streams as well as spookle sprinkles.
Yeah, that's fucking right.
Buildo daggans.
OK, you find this love now.
Diggins.
The floor of this round room tilts slightly to the left
and nearly everything inside has fallen to a heap on one side.
Pipes jut out of the walls and down from the ceiling.
Some traveling straight through the floor,
asphyxiated overhead to a piping on the spiral staircase.
It is a bell shaped piece off of the spiral staircase,
off which dangles a thin chain.
You can see there are some supplies litter along the periphery of this room,
including what appeared to be long wooden stilts,
similar to what the stilt walkers were in earlier.
And there are a few barrels of carrots
stationed prominently in the center of the room.
Tied to one of the pipes that's near them in play.
Well, that's a trap.
Yeah. Yeah.
How high is the ceiling?
What is that eating carrots?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
As you step up to the carrots, a tripwire activates near the barrel of carrots.
Shhh.
I need everyone standing in this current vicinity to make a dexterity saving check.
Except you, Hopps, you cannot avoid this.
So the other two make me a dexterity save.
This would be DC 12.
I came out to a 19.
Nice. You're heading me in the shitshow.
Is that when you came out?
Yes, this is how I came out.
I got it. I got three.
All right.
Um. Hey, Reiner, how high is the ceiling?
Was this tripwire designed for someone the size of me?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Just like a piece of floss wraps around your ankle.
Both of you take five acid damage.
And as it hits you, there's a nauseatingly sweet odor that comes off of it.
And you look to see the pipes that were coming out of the roofs.
That's where it all came from.
All down on all of you and all down over all of the carrots, ruining them.
Monster.
Hi. So this is my first time taking damage in this, in this with with this.
How do I lower my hit points?
Oh, say, do I just you just click on it?
There's like a little damage thing.
We were all around with it for a second.
You should find you also did get a reroll, so maybe you won't even take the damage.
Oh, she all right.
All right. You said dexterity, right?
That's what you say.
That's a nine plus one.
Nine, you still take the damage.
All right. Depends on where you're doing it.
If you're doing it on foundry, it's fairly easy.
Are you doing it on foundry or D&D Beyond?
I was doing it on foundry.
You just click on it.
Do I just type in the lower number by that?
That's it.
All right. I will show here.
I said, well, fuck nothing up forever, you know.
It's just a spray over the show.
Wait. Yeah. OK.
Now there are stairs that lead up to the right.
There are also also a weird nozzle and little bell with a string.
So what do you guys do?
Well, there's not a lot that I can do except like float around and be sassy.
So I think I'm going to do like a very quiet
bardic inspiration for for these guys so they can do the work for me.
Oh, OK. Give it to us.
Sneaking around,
sneaking around.
Oh, we're sneaking around.
Don't make a sound because we're sneaking around.
Oh, yeah.
Nice. Nice.
I'll get bardic inspiration.
That's a one D six. Right, Connor?
Yes, it's a one D six.
On every roll or just one roll.
Any ability check?
Anyone any ability checks that you wish you could add a one D six to?
All right.
Absolutely, you do.
It's kind of disgusting with all the kids.
Being ruined.
I want to look up towards the stairwell.
I'm going to hop over there.
I look really angry up towards the stairwell.
And then kind of cower back and look at Violet.
Yeah, you probably should wait for me to go up first.
But like, Rhino, are you sure you can't remember that fellow's name?
No, I cannot remember his name.
If you would like to, you can roll me a wisdom check and I'll tell it to you.
Hmm.
We'll call it a 12.
This is a nine.
Oh, can't remember it.
Hubert said I followed you on IG, didn't know Violet hated trees so much.
Yeah, Violet just hates trees.
Actually, I don't know if that's the thing.
Reroll. No, I don't.
Oh, I get to reroll.
I don't hate trees.
The thing is, with both of vengeance, you have to like.
Now 17.
Take your frustrations out.
You remember in your mind, as he said.
Means a bit of a bind, as you can observe.
I, Sir Talavar, is one of the Summoner's Queen's loyal servants.
Ask that you.
All right.
His his name is I remember his name is Talavar.
He is like, yeah, yeah, he's the Queen's royal fuckboy or something like this.
All right. All right.
All right. I got this in.
So I'm going to start proceeding to like walk up the creaky stairs
and I'm going to call out Talavar, honey, you still here?
You that balloon crash was a might frat.
Faint voice. It's like, yes, please come in and help me.
And I'm on my head.
I'm my head up them that their stairs. Right.
Attempted to movement collides with at least one wall, it says.
Oh, because it's not.
How one.
Well, a bunch of flim flammering.
All right. Well, what do I say here?
And here.
Please. Oh.
You see closed blinds.
All but a few shafts of light, these blinds stop in this room of darkness.
You think this place would be quite cozy if not for the awkward slant
as a plush sofa, colorful bookshelf and blankets
that are positioned around the exterior of the room.
There are paintings that decorate the walls, strangely hung,
but well cared for the rugs of victim to the tilt.
The rugs of victim to the tilt, so there's nobody in this room.
Oh. All right.
Can I just head I can I just head more up and be like,
next floor is clear down the stairs.
You boys.
What do.
I would I would like to find violent.
Yes, I will be the last one up the stairs,
but as we are leaving this room, I'm going to let out a fart.
I'm going to let out a fart.
Because I've been holding it.
I've been holding one since the carnival.
Roll.
You can't do that. You'll get a stomach.
Yeah.
Roll for poison cloud.
I want to stop right.
I'd be like, wow, right.
I look at these pictures.
They're great.
I'm going to go, wow.
I don't care.
These pictures, as you look at them upon close inspection,
as you guys are laughing at them, the paintings actually depict
a hobgoblin with a dog companion.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Nice.
Violet, as you go to touch the stairs,
you hear growling from behind you
and then out from underneath blankets,
a dog jumps out and bites you.
Well, tries to.
Well, Bobby.
Can we do the name of thing in the chat for this?
Or does he already have a name?
He is a shadow massive.
Shadow massive.
I'm going to go with the dog.
Oh, oh.
Oh, just rolled it in chat.
Okay, tries to bite.
It's a melee weapon attack plus three to hit one target.
When you six piercing damage, if the target is a creature,
it must succeed on a strength saving throw or be knocked prone.
I need you to make me a strength saving throw.
All right.
What does prone mean?
I'm going to be real honest and say I don't know.
Laying down like flat.
Hi, Suni.
What's up, dog?
Good to see you.
Like getting knocked on your ass.
Well, that's a 21.
As a success, but you still take damage.
You must roll the attack before rolling the damage.
Okay.
Natural cheese.
Take six damage.
Hot dog.
What is today?
I haven't gotten any damage in life.
Down to seven.
Thank you for doing math for me.
My brain's failing me today.
She moved.
Hops the thing up there.
Reiner, what do you do?
Well, I mean, I'm good with the animals.
Can I like, can I take the egg that the hobgoblin gave me?
And like crack it over my knee.
And then now I have like the egg in two hands and I tried to go and offer it to the dog.
Like you want some egg?
Sure.
But before you do that, will you roll me a luck check, please?
Since it's the same day.
We ain't getting no 15 guineas in this stream.
I'll say the 20, but make me a luck check.
Thank God.
Where's the luck on there?
Just roll a d20.
Oh.
Yeah, just roll a d20.
How is it like the case?
Yeah.
Nine.
Okay.
But then you do that.
You crack the egg and a yolk comes out.
You're trying to offer it to the dog.
I would like you make me an animal handling check.
And since you're using the egg, I'll give it to you with advantage.
Okay.
Oi!
So the first one is a 13.
Alright.
And the second one is a nine.
Oof.
Either of those are very good.
But he-
No, they're not good.
He turns, he sees the egg.
Takes a few steps forward, timid.
Looks at the yolks in your hand.
Sticks out his tongue.
As he does, you can see he's not a normal mastiff.
He's like a shadow mastiff, made of like this shadowy cloud.
He sticks out his tongue.
It's almost like transparent.
He tries to like lop it up.
And I'm gonna make you do one more roll for stability.
If you make any sudden jerks, you're gonna freak him out.
I want you to make a dexterity check.
Is this a check or a savings roll?
Check.
The check is fine.
Look, Liz, you can believe in me.
I'll do it.
This is a 19.
Alright, you succeed.
He lops up the yolk out of your hands.
And then he goes back to his blanket.
He's down.
Can I-
Did he eat all of the yolk?
Almost, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Well, I guess I'll leave this here then.
What did you want to do with the yolk?
Wait.
I wanted to give him the rest of the, you know, his meal.
He did not finish.
Okay.
He just like set it next to him.
Here you go.
He's an old boy.
Alright.
I will call him DMX.
And that is what he sounds like too when he barks.
Let's go give it to you.
Yeah.
Okay.
Ops.
Is there anything you want to do before we go up to the next room?
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Am I?
Are you sure you don't want to-
Go ahead.
What?
Oh, no.
No?
I was- yeah, I'm good to go upstairs.
Okay.
I'm going to hold in my next fought for the other room.
I don't want to fought near DMX.
He might get angry.
I don't know what's happening, but every time I try to move myself, I also move Reiner for
some reason.
You might have them both highlighted.
Yes, stop touching me.
I would love to stop touching you.
Don't do it.
Don't.
Don't do it.
I'm a virgin.
Nice.
I keep just moving Reiner with me.
I'm so sorry.
Click off and then-
You're just magnetically drawn to the gravitational pull of my ass.
That's exactly what it is.
Don't we do automatic-
Do I sound louder, Steve?
I turned up my gain a little bit.
Do you let me know?
Sometimes I'm really loud, and then sometimes I'm really quiet.
So I try- it's hard to find a balance between my dumb ass.
Where the dog's at.
Sorry, Connor, you want to say something?
Oh, no.
Nothing important.
I was going to explain that I have the bad gas from the Cadbury cream egg.
Nice.
Okay.
Hell yeah.
Jesus.
Alright, this room is lit with natural light from a great window.
This room is clearly a kitchen and a workspace combined.
The space appears well lived in with signs of recent use, despite the steep angle and
the oven door hanging oddly open at the top of the slope.
Across the room, a table is accompanied by a single chair dressed with a bright tablecloth.
Yeah, well, he's doing his thing.
What are you guys doing here?
Anything?
Anything of interest?
I think we just keep it-
I want to move promptly through here.
Heading towards the objective.
I'm going to see- Dr. Hopps just zoning out, coming down from his high, and I'm just going
to carry him along with me.
Fuck yeah.
I'm going to place him behind me so he don't get hurt or nothing, but you know.
Alright.
While we're in this room, on the table, Ryaner, you look and you're looking for like songs
that maybe you can play, Ryaner, Ryaner, on this table.
You're looking for songs maybe you can play.
You're like skimming through all this shit.
Roll me a perception.
Accurate my sarcasm can be.
Celebration of- I have a nine.
Toilet.
Oof.
Okay.
Well, you do find on your nine, through all this stuff, you don't find a song, but what
you do find is schematics for an eight foot square wooden raft.
And at the bottom, there are notes that talk about how this raft was built before and it
was lost somewhere in the swamp.
Is this swamp raft?
Yeah, the swamp raft.
Swamp ass.
No, it's the swamp raft.
Hey, so you said swamp ass.
I know, I know about the swamp ass.
This note's the same.
So say it one more time for me.
What was it?
The swamp raft?
Swamp rats.
Rift.
Like R-A-F-T.
I can't understand a thing you say half the time with all your accents.
Oh, I, you know, I can't spell nothing.
Spelling it out loud ain't going to help me none.
Okay.
Well, I don't know is a different way to like tell you this, but you know.
I'm trying to find.
Here we go.
Distracting.
Eight on one side or eight square feet, eight square feet.
Wait, no, on one side.
Don't you hit me with that shit, survival?
I don't know fucking math.
What am I some kind of nerd?
All right.
Well, do you guys approach to the next level?
Yeah, yeah.
At least I am for sure.
Yeah.
Can't be waiting for Dr. Hopps forever.
I mean you guys killed a lion and a baboon without me last week.
Yeah, that's true.
It's true as hell.
Move your minis.
Let's go.
I'm waiting for you.
You tell me what you do.
I'm going this way.
What are you going to say to this map?
Going.
Going this way, but I got, I got Dr. Hopps as well.
I know I can't move him, but I got Dr. Hopps as well.
I got him on my back like a little Yoda.
Okay.
Cloudy light filters into the room through four small windows, each obscured with a layer
of webs.
The webbing dominates the space, covering most walls and supporting a large bed at the
top of the slope.
Entangled within is a silver birdcage.
There's a small purple fairy dragon on the inside, the mustache, who struggles against
his bonds.
He's like, please, they must help me.
I am zetrept.
Outside the far window, you can make out the diffused colors of the crashed balloon.
As you step further into the room, this creature reveals itself, large purple.
Your confirmations were true.
Oh, well, I hate you.
Yes.
He steps up from the side.
He's like, can I talk?
Oh, good.
I don't.
We're looking for this little filler and I'm going to point to the cage.
Well, you've come in.
I followed the rules of reciprocity.
Would you like some spider egg cookies?
Oh, sure.
I have the spider egg cookies.
This sounds like, you know, a really good snack right now.
I'm still recovering from the Cadbury cream aids that make me, you know, really gassy.
I do not like this.
Did you find the Cadbury cream tree?
Those are rare.
Yes, we found it like near this like fallen part of the bridge.
You should go.
Come on, see the negotiations.
Why are you having these?
You must let us the talava free.
My friend crashed into my home.
I have kept him.
Oh, gosh, we saw that balloon coming down.
It went all kinds of crazy.
I don't think he did it on purpose.
You've come to me, I think maybe to rescue him by the way you speak.
I have given you cookies as a tale of reciprocity.
Now something has been taken from me.
If you can get it back, I will let you take your friend.
Do you like entertainment?
No.
You don't like it's for the weak.
You don't like the songs and stuff.
What do you have?
Like any type of entertainment?
You must get bored up here.
Your manners.
Manners.
Well, I'm trying to find out the things about my host so I may better please him.
Or they.
Yes.
You want to know about me?
Yes, what do you like?
I used to be.
Oh, wait.
Be back.
Oh, yeah.
It's just he's not there, but he is here.
Okay, I saw them.
I saw a hand.
There's proof of life.
Okay.
Hello.
No, he's like.
I used to be a hobgoblin.
Very nice.
I never heard no one delay became under occurs.
Dreadful cares.
I had only so unfortunate.
She stole my thumbs.
Oh, she.
Well, I actually have her name here alone.
Also, I have to say, although he's by a sense of affairs, you have a hell of a nice pupper
downstairs.
Thank you.
He too was put under the curse.
I don't spend a lot of time with him like I used to.
Very mean.
He's in.
Ryner got him to lock eggs.
Ryner gave him a nice little egg and he seemed to love that.
Oh, they must have been guinea pig eggs.
The only lack still.
And then blue polka dotted ones.
It was a ride big into it.
I probably had a whole fleet of little guinea pigs that were going to hatch from it.
This hag.
She stole my thumbs and put a curse on me and my dog.
If I can get my thumbs back, I can remove the curse.
She turned me from a hobgoblin into this spidery fleshy piece of shit.
The hag's name.
I don't have Lorna Blightstraw.
Wow, they know it all.
The different which lore into one name, didn't they?
Yeah, the little fairy dragon.
He's like, you say that's one of bright straw.
You see, I was in the midst of a daring escape from Belphorna Blightstraw when my balloon
came down.
She is a hag that rules over this realm.
She has taken things from all of my people.
We must get them back.
You see me and you gross disgusting spider guy.
We have something in common.
You shall let me go.
No, I'm under negotiations.
What say you?
Aaron Gonti.
Well, gosh, if you guys got.
Well, if you got the same problem, I mean, it's it's round.
Is there we know about her like weaknesses or favorite cookie or way to seduce her into
dying quickly so we can get your stuff back?
He says the little fairy in the cage, she says, yes, I know I can help you if you help
me free.
Well, it looks like a regular fetch quest.
We don't get whatever hag bullshit we come back.
You get to go free.
In the meantime, you can make a friend with a fellow.
What do you call them?
Trauma bonded person.
You know, you got both got the same trauma with the same peg.
You can bond a bit and get to know each other.
The rule is you promise me you kill the hag and if you find my thumbs, bring them back
and I will let you take these annoying creature now.
Do not want in the meantime, would you would you accept like like, you know, something
to help you out and make you feel a little better?
What do you have in mind?
Well, it depends.
Dr. Hobbs, do you have like a carrot on you?
Do you have a carrot?
Yes, I may have taken a couple of the poisonous carrots.
Where is it?
No, I need like a regular carrot.
Just give me what you have.
OK, OK.
So I take I take the carrot and I like snap it and then I take the snapped off piece of
the carrot and I put it into the some part of the glove for the eagle thing that they
gave me.
No, don't give that to him.
All right.
And can I like like, sir, can you like put out your hand for me?
Yes.
And I and I slip I slip the glove on his hand and you know, there's like a carrot in the
some part, so it makes it seem like he has a some.
He goes.
He sees the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Thank you.
I must the rule of reciprocity.
I must return the favor.
And he shoves his hand into like this bucket of shit and pulls out this ring of keys and
he throws it at you.
And we know about the ring of case lands a wondrous item.
It is called the ring of skeleton keys.
You'll be familiar with this, Connor.
This three inch diameter ring of keys holds one D four plus one rusty keys.
Once I'm done with describing, I'm going to need you to roll it.
When a key is taken off the ring and held near a lock, it'll magically transform into
the right key for that lock.
But once that key is used for that lock, it remains as that key forever.
Show me one D four to see how many leftover rusty keys are on this.
There are two rusty magical keys.
He's like, I know I see nine.
No, it is anyone has ever done for me, though it may be gimmick being dumb, but the thought
was there and I appreciate it.
Please.
You're like you're like 50 percent, you know, towards your goal.
Yes.
Thank you.
And he he shoots up to the roof and sticks to the roof and he's like, take your friend,
your fairy friend, leave my home and return to me when the hag is dead or send.
Would you like her thumbs in return?
Ah, yes, get my thumbs and her thumbs.
Fuck that stupid ass fucking bitch.
She's fucking ugly and I hate her.
She floats around.
She thinks she's so cool.
Big.
She can make little things.
I hate her.
You kill her.
I think he does not like that lady.
I don't think so either.
I do not.
I mean, it sounds like she's stealing my stuff from people.
I mean, I wouldn't be too fond of her either if you're just going around stealing people's
precious items like thumbs.
It's probably been a while.
No, I would like to be alone with my new character.
Thank you.
Is it just like flops around?
Yeah, he's like, but he's so amused by it.
He's so amused.
Which one of you grabs the cage?
I can't carry something that's as big as me.
Yeah, you're literally like, you'd be like grabbing it like this.
Yeah.
You grab the cage and you guys begin your descent out of the creaky tower.
Let me change the scene here.
Eventually you get outside and while you are doing your descent out of the tower, you're
removing cobwebs from this cage and eventually you remove enough cobwebs to be able to see
who it is that's been talking to you this whole time.
And he looks a little something like this one sec.
Up here because I don't know anything about the ugly guy and it's fucking fine.
I think he's rather cute if I do say so myself.
I'd give him a right cuddle.
That dragon is a tiny.
Very royal fuck boy.
Dragon has tits.
That dragon has tits.
No, they do not have the tits.
I am the puffin out the chest to show the dominance.
You're like three inches.
Yes.
That's a lot.
That's very tall for, you know, my kind.
Oh, all right.
If you say so, Shug.
I have the very strong sword.
I can do this.
It's like a toothpick to me.
Yeah, it is.
I am the strong.
I am the knight.
Three inches is enough.
Clip play.
OK.
Listen, I'm six foot ten.
Three inches ain't gonna do much.
I am Sir Talivar.
I am a knight, heir of the Silicord and the loyal vessel of the Summoner Queen.
Yes.
Thank you so much for saving me.
No problem, Shug.
You're welcome.
I believe you promised us some information about this hag.
Yes.
You see, I have the information about the hag.
I'm trying to bring it, of course, to, uh, wait, to the Queen.
Advantage or disadvantage.
Whenever you need it.
Hell yeah.
Look at one thing.
What is it called?
Just so I know and I can remember.
Mina?
Nice.
OK, that would be.
I'm trying to bring the information to the Dawnfall.
It's the place where everyone communes together to learn the information about these hacks.
We are trying to take them out one by one.
You see, they have stolen things from everyone.
And I am here to do this.
But I digress.
Your quest is not over, fair heroes.
It never is.
Support your right.
My cage is magically locked.
There must be a key that can open the cage.
And there is only one key.
There is a goblin key holder.
His name is the Jingle Jingle.
We must go to him to get the key to open my cage.
So for now, me and my cage are his companion to you three for the endaring future.
But if you get my cage close enough to someone, I can stab them with 1d4 plus one damage.
So the key ring that I just got is not.
This is a magical key lock.
But if you want to waste one of your keys, I'll allow you to roll.
But it'll only be successful if you get a nat 20.
This will be a luck check because it's magical.
But if you get that nat 20, you could skip a whole quest line, baby.
But wouldn't like hold on if it's supposed to be the right key for the lock.
Would it not be the magical key if you need the specific magical key for the specific
magical lock?
Not just like any ordinary door.
But somebody needs to rewrite the coding on that because this shit's confusing.
Only have two keys.
Are you willing to waste?
I want to use the magical key.
Fuck it.
You know what?
You must get in that.
I will use I'll do one of them.
OK, all right.
Hold on.
Just don't fucking touch me.
Don't touch me.
OK.
Shit.
15 is not good.
You pull out your key and try to fit it in.
Then he goes advantage or disadvantage.
This is not going to work.
My fairy friend.
All right.
So you get two more rolls.
You get an advantage roll and a reroll.
So roll it twice.
And then technically three.
No, because the advantage happened first.
No.
OK.
Advantage or disadvantage.
Five.
You get one more roll.
The four.
And one more.
16.
This is not going to work.
You should know this.
Everything from the fairy kind yourself, I see.
You should know the way that the magic works around here.
None of this shit fucking makes sense.
It's one single key.
Well, you know, I don't know much about the magic part of it, but I can tell you about
the fucking in the slipperies and the slide.
I can tell you about the fucking too.
If you would like to know that.
Well, I know all about the fucking.
I need to know about some magicals.
Oh, it has a mustache.
I do indeed.
My bunny friend.
Does he like it?
That's the best people do.
Would you like to?
Yeah, I mean, a German version of taking a ride.
Oh, good Lord.
How are we going to eat?
I don't know.
Why are we doing this to me?
What did I do?
Is this like a ride to go get my own mustache?
It is.
I know that's right, but it may make you stronger of a man.
And maybe so much engines out and right and wrong.
Why would you do this to me?
I'll take you up on your mustache.
When do we leave?
All right.
Pull down your pants and stick your ass on my cage.
All right.
This is the first time I've been asked to do something like this.
You sit on the cage and you go, you're so fuzzy.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're so fuzzy.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Did you like the mustache ride bunny ride bunny?
Now you see, you can learn a thing or two from a fairy like me.
You see, I suppose I can.
Yes.
Lord Gaino, you're right.
Now there is a goblin named Jingle Jangle.
He has the key to me, Sir Talavar's bird cage.
He lives atop Tellami Hill, not too far from here, Slanty Tower.
It's one of the places we were heading before, but we got caught up and it is what it is.
Now I must be free so I can return to my queen and report the news that Zablina has been
overthrown by the Hourglass Coven.
This is the most important information.
Is that good news for you or bad news?
Well, it's bad news for all of us.
As the Hourglass Coven takes over and we all lose the magic, the game, the way of the fair
life, things get dark.
That's fair.
It's always awful when someone says something about the game and everybody loses.
Now I do have some information about Lona Breitstra.
I just left there.
Now being that I just ate the rabbit's ass, maybe I'll tell you a couple things.
Fine?
It seems like fair trade.
I would not go there by yourself, but at least not unprepared.
She lives in a spooky cottage on Stilt at the heart of Downfall.
She lives in a spooky cottage at the heart of Downfall.
There is a Bullywug settlement there.
The Bullywugs of Downfall are quite carty.
We all worship the rule of reciprocity.
Now Pavlonia though has the ability to conjure minions that look like the tiny versions of
her.
And she has two sisters from whom which she loathes.
Together the three hags form the Hourglass Coven.
Using in some kind of artifact called Igligweave's Cauldron.
The Coven has frozen time and Zablina is trapped.
So this is what I know.
So this like Zablina lady, she's the queen?
The princess of this realm?
She is the Archfey of...
The Archfey.
Yeah, she runs off.
She tries to keep everything in balance.
She's the one who put in the magical spell of reciprocity.
Hmm.
Okay.
Alright.
How does this make sense?
So as for now, we must make our way to Telamihil to get the key to free me.
Microwave?
Uh, yes.
He takes out a tiny can and drinks from it.
Yeah, it is super tiny out of his bucket.
Oh, yes.
Hey, we're not close.
We saw that picture.
It's his prison pocket.
I am famished.
Um, well done.
During this conversation, I predict you guys were walking through the swamp together talking
to him.
You weren't just like hanging out outside of the slanty.
Eventually, um, come across what looks to be an inn.
He points at it from his little cage, his little hand sticks out and he goes, this is
the inn at the end of the road.
It's the only inn here in here.
You see it cross to the swamp, you know, it's got these crazy fleshy legs.
It only walks about 30 feet at a time, but its movement is reduced by the swampy terrain.
But anyways, we can go to the inn.
And it's like, are you?
Did you say the tavern at the inn has legs?
Yes.
So is it like a mimic or something?
Is it gonna eat us?
Why does everything have legs here?
What did you not like have legs?
You know, I mean, if someone came in.
I do like your mountains have legs, your rivers have legs, cause they're always running.
Your, your, your taverns have legs.
It's a good dad joke.
The rivers have legs cause they're running.
That is very funny.
Thanks.
I worked really hard on it.
Yeah, it was pretty good.
I get a lot of dad references for a guy that just got his ass eaten out for the first time.
You learn some things about yourself.
Oh yeah.
I think everybody could stand to eat a little bit more ass.
This would make the world go round.
You know, I agree with you right now.
That's a very good point.
If everyone eats everyone's ass, then no one will go hungry, you know?
It's only whenever everyone's getting blow jobs that they will have world peace.
I always say.
Also, Fat Mike said that.
It's very good advice, you know?
Everyone blows each other.
No one's fighting anymore.
It's fine.
Hooray!
Hooray.
So, you guys look out into the swamp to see this huge thing.
It's a few stories tall and its fleshy legs come out of the water like...
And he's like, hurry, quickly.
If you want to get inside the inn, we must get there.
It only stops for small periods at a time before it moves way too fast.
Go, go, go!
I would like each one of you to make me an athletics check as you're running towards
this giant walking inn.
Who said I am running?
You zifly.
Still, make me athletics check.
It's cool in here.
I got a six, two, three.
Ops.
I got a seven.
I'm just gonna scoop up Puddin' Pals.
Yeah, how does your jumping feature work?
That's if I fail a dexterity saving throw.
Oh.
You don't just get to like jump a 30 feet?
No, that's a...
No.
All right, well you just scoop him up.
Can I just grab him by the...
Yeah, I'm just gonna scoop him up with me and run with him.
I'm used to this.
That's right.
What did you get on your first roll?
Me?
I got a 16.
A 16.
Okay.
Since you're scooping him up, I'm gonna make you make this roll a disadvantage.
So I'll roll it again.
All right.
Did you use your advantage already?
That's true.
Me, my mean advantage.
I didn't use my...
Puddin' Pals.
Right.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, dude.
Oh, then I'll hold off then.
I think the rooster did.
Do it or so.
The pantry is not open.
I don't.
Okay.
That's neat.
Plus two, plus three.
Plus three.
That's hard.
Plus three.
Wow, are you rolling it with the athletics?
No, no, no.
Why not?
What's your athletics bonus?
Plus zero.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
All right.
So I gotta...
I'm gonna roll again and then...
But with disadvantage, you said?
Yeah.
Wow.
Well, you're only supposed to roll once because you already rolled once.
It rolled twice on its own.
But I think both of those were bad.
One was a 16.
Yeah.
One was a 16.
And then the other one was, the lower one, also a 16.
Okay, so I'm going to call it, and say the second one was the roll.
You're fine.
You make it.
Everything is success.
Okay.
Congratulations.
Yes.
So you guys run as the legs come out of the swampy murky water.
It's like the small little porchy area you guys jump up to as it leans down to the swamp.
And you guys jump up on this thing and land.
And he's like, Zaz, we made it to the end at the end of the road.
Congratulations.
This here is an achievement.
Tonight, you get all the ass.
He's very excited.
You guys open the doors.
It's a continuous moving.
He's like, I have no fear.
It only moves about 10 miles and then it sits.
Wherever we end up tomorrow, that's fine.
It'll be okay.
The Feywild is wibbly wobbly.
The inn is a squat.
It's a three story structure with a kind of like singe roof, much like this picture here
and worn eaten wood walls that mixed in little bits of stone.
It's really kind of like not something you'd normally see.
There's like wood paneling, also stone paneling, also brick paneling.
And it's a shimmy sham of stuff.
That whole top bit is all Tudor designed.
Yeah.
There are dozens of tiny orbs of pale light that buzz around the exterior like flies.
The structure rocks and heaves while in motion.
But these movements, once you're on the inside, you kind of feel like you move with it.
So you can't even tell when it's moving from the inside.
And as you guys open the door, you can smell hearty stew and like cottony puffs.
Right?
Like, what letter does this have on health inspection?
Or building inspection?
Who signed off on this thing?
The hearty stew and the voluptuous boobs.
As you say that when you walk in looking at it, a woman, a druid woman.
Hold on, let me see.
An elderly female druid from behind the bar.
She looks up at you when you say that and she goes, well, nobody has ever inspected
my tavern.
People come, people go.
But you think I'm going to let some kind of inspector get inside here?
Hell no.
Anywho, welcome to the last stand at the end of the road, my friends.
Welcome on in.
Come in, have a seat.
Have a seat.
Of course, with the rule of reciprocity, you've come into my home and I, my friends, will
do you the favor of feeding you, bathing you, washing you, resting you, even jerking you
if you need it.
But of course, the favor must be returned with something of equal or greater value.
So, whatever you like, whatever you got, set her on the table.
Let's make a trade.
And she continues wiping the counter.
I mean, I'd be amenable to a meal and some rest and I'd be willing to do some showers
and some dishes and some sweeping up and cleaning up for you.
Well, you are awfully tall, my beautifully red tiefling friend.
What family did you come from?
The Fams.
The Fams?
Well, yeah.
I think, wait, no, I think there was an elderly fam that came through here not too long ago,
an alcoholic if I ever done seen one.
He just wanted drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks.
Yeah, but he did.
Yeah.
He came through here, drank up the whole place, didn't offer nothing and left off.
So we made sure that we cursed him.
Yes, we did.
Rightly so.
That's right.
Don't worry, he's going to get what coming to him.
The curse is just stacked up for so long that he had to give up his firstborn child to some
carnival.
Yeah, I wonder what that firstborn child's up to right now.
Probably standing in a tavern just like this.
Oh gosh.
Well, bless her heart.
I hope she ends up okay.
Now what can I do for you?
You want some drinks and some stuff?
That's good.
Yeah, I'd love something.
I don't need no alcohol or nothing.
I would just take like a nice warm drink and some soup.
All right.
Well, come on around.
Now we've got the best guinea pig stew this dang old place around.
We put a 15 guinea pigs in every stew.
15 of them.
He outranched.
Just angry.
Just like I would not stand for this.
Someone clip that.
But you are standing.
You're not sitting.
I stood up for this.
I will not stand for this.
I told you he's a dungeon master.
I included them 15 guinea pigs in this campaign, didn't I?
Listen, Liz, we do like putting paws when he's angry.
He's just so gosh darn cute.
He's like a little tea kettle.
He does wheezes all over the place.
Just like little upset.
I'm going to walk up to the bar and kind of like break out a little tiny little tiny baggie
of like subdivision crystal.
Be like, you'll give me a nice rest and I'll make sure you party all night long.
Hell yeah.
Good trade.
Yeah.
She's like, oh yeah.
That sounds good.
The crash in one room did it.
Look, the fairies got to defend for itself.
Yeah.
I'll take that as a trade.
I'm not going to do them myself, but I'll take that as a trade and I will give them
off to the next person who needs them.
Sounds like a party.
Good rule of reciprocity.
That's right.
Yes.
Speaking of this rule of reciprocity, I will be upstairs, you know, chilling in the room
and I wish to have you there in about 15 minutes if you catch my meaning.
Okay.
Would you like the HJ, the BJ or the ZJ?
Also it costs less if you want to touch my toes while you jerk it or I can touch your
toes while you jerk it or I can jerk it while you touch my toes.
They're all different prices.
Surprise me.
Your face up.
Okay.
All right.
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to go on ahead and bring one of these guinea pigs up there with me, but you're
going to owe me.
I hope you like music, ma'am.
I don't know what a CJ is, but she probably can't afford it.
All right.
She pours you guys some stew and some drinks and she offers you guys rooms.
She takes the divination crystals.
She tells you that in the morning it'd be great if you could help out with her roofing
because it's kind of falling apart.
Those are the chores that she really needs done.
She's going to take your sexual favors because she kind of needs them.
She's a little bit older, so she's going to take that straightforward, Reiner.
But she also has some information I think.
Yeah.
She's like, well, while you guys are drinking, eating your stew.
Wait, what are we laughing at?
Did I miss something?
What happened?
Oh, I pulled out the double shocker.
You know, so one right here.
There's a one right here.
And then you just check him as arms as best as you can.
Nice.
Get it killed, Violet.
I couldn't get him from the floor.
It's not the actual reality of it.
It was like, God, it's painful.
You have no idea how to please a woman.
Oh, believe me, when your body is the size of mine, you know.
You have to get in there.
You ever tried to pull three inches of dead out of four inches of clothing?
No, you haven't.
Yeah.
Like every morning.
I got no problem.
My friends, look, I got running this end to the end of the road myself.
Since the hourglass coven even seized control of this side of here, Prismarine, I have heard
rumors that Zablina is trapped in her palace, but I don't know any kind of details.
I would love to see Zablina restore the power, if only so I can escape this morass swampy
bullshit of Hither.
But what also I will say, my tiefling friend Violet, seem to be down on your luck.
And if you are who I think you are, I would like to give you one special piece of pie.
She cuts out this piece of pie and slides it down and it's a piece of plum pie.
It's like purple and she's like, I know you're going through a tough time and I've seen what's
come out of that, but you just keep pushing on sweetheart.
Eat your pie.
Thank you ma'am.
You are very welcome.
I do kindly appreciate that.
You are very welcome.
Now I'm going to go upstairs and get fucked by a fairy and a guinea pig.
I'll see you in the morning.
You have fun with that ma'am.
He weeps and cries afterwards and plays songs all night.
That's not true.
I do not weep and cry.
These are tears of joy, so it's not crying.
All right.
Whatever you gotta tell yourself.
We're going to take a long rest right here.
Each one of you guys can roll your long rest dice on.
Foundry, if you just click long rest, it should do it for you.
But I want to remind Dr. Hopps, if your mom tattoo on your ass or your chest, you get
an extra D8 temporary hit points.
So go on ahead and add those in there.
Don't forget.
Pilot Phenoms takes a long rest and recovers 11 HP.
Nice.
I'm back to full health.
Hell yeah.
That plum pie sure did me something right.
It just reminded me of home and it was just so delicious.
That is good.
Hell yeah.
Seven extra temporary HP.
That puts me at 20 HP even at level two.
All right, Reiner.
Hold on.
I am changing this because it did not transfer.
Let me tell you what.
It was like that plum pie just straight up healed something inside me that's been wounded
a long time.
Or at least since this morning.
I'd like to...
Did I do?
Did I do the long rest?
What happened?
Reiner takes a long rest and recovers two hit points.
Well, yes.
Now I'm back at max.
To 15.
Nice.
Okay, one last roll of the night Reiner.
I need you to make me a performance roll.
You know what for.
Oh, yes.
You don't even know this one.
Oh no.
A new nerf follows this.
This is ten.
Horrible.
Deeply talking to...
Hello.
Welcome to the shit show.
It's ten.
I'm just saying Reiner, you do have a couch coin.
You do have a couch coin Reiner.
Oh yes, I would like to use my couch coin to be better at the sex.
Okay, roll it baby.
Damnit, where are you guys in forever?
Well, what's up Dave?
That is a 14.
Adequate.
Since Reiner didn't actually pick a different room, did the one I'm sleeping in pick cast
guidance on him?
Because I imagine he's on the top bunk.
Just your penis needs to roll.
Now this is a 16.
Reminders, Scott could re-roll.
You could absolutely do guidance hops.
Absolutely.
Guys are doing their thing.
There's a beam of light that comes from beneath you.
You feel the holy warmth.
And it helps.
Oh, this is new.
Yes, roll me a d4.
Guidance.
Actually, it's more of like, no you're doing it wrong, can't you tell me, she's telling
you faster!
Go faster!
This is a full.
So wait, this is a dirty 20.
It's a dirty 20.
Because I had 16.
It's a very dirty 20.
At the end...
What did I do?
You guys are cleaning yourselves up.
She grabs a towel for you and everything.
And she's, well, my name is Sue Harabax, spelled T-S-U, Harabax.
Just so you know.
And then her butt ass naked slams the door and leaves you with the guinea pig.
The guinea pig's all like smoking a cigarette next to Ryder.
Same size.
Like the bedsheets pulled out halfway up his body.
And then I get up from the bed and you notice that, you know, not you guys, but like my
ukulele is sticking out of my ass.
Is it the small end that's in there or the big end?
It's a small one.
You know, with all the pointy bits on it.
Comes down the stairs.
I mean, ribbed for your pleasure.
Walking in is empty, except you five.
And I say five because the little dragon fairy.
Yeah.
He's like, hey, I know they're getting freaky up there, you know.
I would love a little plum if you want to stick it in the cage.
Just one from your pie.
If you are willing to share.
I will repay the favor.
Reciprocity.
All right, but I don't want no sexy business.
I'll just give you the plum.
There you go.
No, no, no, no, no.
You'll see unlike your friend, I only accused the ones who I know wanted and that bunny
guy fucking wanted it.
You know, like, you know, that's fair.
I never really understood what Dr. Hopps was into, but you kind of fit the bill, I guess.
He wants his lucky foot rubbed the right way.
You know what I mean?
I surely don't, but I'll take your word for it.
Thank you for the plum.
And you guys, you know, so that is where we're going to end this night.
You guys resting in the inn at the end of the road.
And that's what we're going to end it for tonight.
Everyone who's watching here live will be right back in five.
They'll go anywhere.
We're going to come back out of costume, just talk about the show and everything else we
got going on.
Boy, there was a lot of technical difficulties tonight, but it was a dang still fucking blast
of fun.
Everybody watching on Spotify and YouTube, hopefully you don't even notice any of that.
But I bet there is a bunch of jump cuts that you missed.
So we'll be right back in a few minutes and everyone watching in those other places, make
sure to give the show a like, give us a sub.
If you're on Spotify, give us a rating, help out our SEO.
We work really hard on the show and truthfully, we don't ask for that kind of stuff enough,
but it really does help.
It really does.
We'll be right back in a couple minutes, everybody.
Don't go anywhere.
Thank you so fucking much.
We'll come back to talk.
All right.
And stuff like that.
All right.
I'll be ready.
Yes.
These went out earlier and are the are the credits ready?
Yeah.
Are the credits ready?
Because that's why I said it.
Oh my gosh.
Wait for it to come around.
They're ready.
Oh, why can't I?
Hard time reading that at all.
Hard time.
Everybody in chat spam your favorite emotes to make it harder for them to read.
Lovely fucking heroes.
Thanks for supporting us.
We love you.
I can't read this bill bow.
Oh
Definitely out on yours hold on that's not ain't gonna work for me champ did not not say any of them for sure
Where's the emote wall?
What do you mean where's the emote wall? It's all over it
No, it's not you're covered in fucking emotes
On the next time of love death and dice
Will dr. Hopps finally get another mustache ride will ride her get an STD from his lady friend
And will violet finally realize she can learn another language find out next time on love death and dies
He stole it from you fishy what the fuck sorry. No, that's fine. He didn't steal it. It's just fine
It's not only the only second thing I have for the whole show