Well hello one and all, welcome back to Love, Death, and Dice. This is episode one of the Wild Beyond.
Thank you so much for joining us. I will be your lovely dungeon master for the night, DM Turk,
and I'm here of course with three of my favorite people that I love rolling dice with and role
playing with and just having fun with every single weekend and week out.
Anyways y'all, I'm Connor, I'm playing Ryner this season,
finally playing a bard because you wanted it so you're gonna get it, so yeah.
And hi everybody, I'm Proteus, also known as Children of Proteus. I do all the art for the
garage couch but this season I will be playing Violet Femmes, the tiefling paladin. Anime hands.
No get a twisted spices art too, hey. Oh that's true, you know I do all the art for
Love, Death, and Dice. I should be more specific, Love, Death, and Dice specifically I do the art for.
And hello I'm Tushy, I will be playing the rabbit man, the chaos feel himself, the crazy but yet
somewhat kind of good guy he will be. It's gonna be great and it's gonna be fun. I will see y'all
on the other side of this, maybe, hopefully. This is your very first time tooting in, let me tell you
a couple of things about the grouch couch. Well, we are the grouch couch. We are predominantly a
role playing group of creative people and creators and streamers etc. that love to dress up
is off the wall characters and tell super funny stories. We take popular source books and put them
in our own adult humor twist on them as we play through them because it's in our nature. Needless
to say that we are a family, not a family friendly channel. But that being said we are a positive
channel that is lgbtq plus friendly. As our moniker goes, we are friends of everyone unless
you're not friends with everyone. We also like to consider ourselves chat involved. We do read chat
on occasion. We also have a few commands that allow chat to help or hinder our players to add
extra level of spice to the show. If you're listening on Spotify or YouTube you will hear
commands go off obviously in the background notifying you of such things and if you my
friends are re-watching the stream and you want to have an influence on the show yourself please
join us live. This campaign will be live every Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday at 4 p.m pacific
standard time on our twitch channel. Replays will be going up everywhere online for the following
weeks usually on Saturdays including YouTube, Spotify. That's right baby you're gonna just be
seeing our faces everywhere. As we play I hope you all enjoy our costumed exploits and antics
and if you have any feedback for us please leave it in the comments or join our discord because
that's where all the fun is to be had. Now everybody this campaign is following up on our
Waterdeep Dragon Heist game. If you haven't seen it you can catch up on Spotify and YouTube under
Love Death and Dice the Dragon Vault. If you are interested I play a robot. You do a Warforged. That
was a good ass campaign and you can still check it out. This game is going to be set largely in
the Feywild in a world of whimsy and magic and fairy tales. A place where things only make sense
because you are in the Feywild. I really hope all you guys like what my brain has in store for you
this campaign but for now here we go everybody. Thank you once again so much for joining us. It's
intro time. Time for the first episode of LD&D the Wild Beyond. In a realm where whimsy reigns supreme
the Witchlight Carnival lights up our dreams. Yes Magic Carnival it's tents so grand inside a way
to the Feywild land but secrets lurk. Neath its merry band we must unravel its mysteries hand in
hand through forests deep and fields of gold in search of truths both young and old. Fairies fly
and tales unfold adventure awaits for the brave and bold. Whimsy and wonder laugh and cheer
but shadows linger and whisper to me. Through twists and turns and paths unclear the Wild Beyond
where magics deal. So gather your courage don't delay embark on this whimsical journey they say
where every step leads a different way to the Wild Beyond come and play.
Welcome back everyone.
All right here we go it's always the first line that always gets me it's like how do you start
a campaign when you're this excited about it it's like there's like some big shoes you got to fill
you know what's the first line that you say whatever a little bit of prelude a little bit of
context for us to start our story you see you three know and everyone here knows
the traveling extravaganza known as the Witchlight Carnival it visits our world once only every eight
years each one of you have a dim memory of sneaking into the carnival or working at the carnival or
being at the carnival when you were younger years ago but that memory has grown foggy over time
though it still conjures a weird ad mixture of emotions wonder and ah mixed with loss and
regret during this visit your time there each one of your characters lost something and you need to
find it besides hops of course but the carnival owners a pair of elves named Mr Witch and Mr
Light were decidedly unhelpful you have memories of some kind of fae creature talking to you
when you were there at the carnival silly little screeching cricket says the witch you forgot to
buy a ticket the carnival goes round and round the multiverse is our playground nothing's free
and nothing's lost every visit my dear child has its cost as time has passed your heart became less
heavy and you became less and less you gave less thought to those childhood events but now for some
reason as the carnival finally makes it return this eight years later and for reasons you can't
explain the longing to retrieve what was lost and venture back into the fey wild this feeling has
resurfaced as through an old spell that has faded away allowing you to feel the loss is sharply as
if it happened just yesterday you see the witchlike carnival has returned and you find yourselves
together once again after your long led adventure at a pumpkin farm you see but not just any kind
of pumpkin farm this is a pumpkin farm with a home on it a home where dr hops and
wait for it violet your guys's superior madrick lives he lives on this magical pumpkin farm where
the pumpkins grow wildly throughout the whole year some of them sprout legs and walk around
and you know this for how magical madrick is and we return to our story just as reiner arrives
from his crazy bard adventures at a local tavern because madrick has called all three of you here
to his home on this day to send you on a very special quest that deals with your feelings
of needing to go back to the carnival once and for all all three of you together stand in the
yard of this home and reiner well the two of you stand in the yard and reiner approaches singing
a song as he walks reiner do you have a walking song for us
uh
walking through the pumpkin patch
and then there's this orange lady too
you where's that little bunny rabbit
i wasn't done trying to fuck both of you
walking through the pumpkin page there you go and reiner approaches you too now dr hops um
um helios hops you know that uh you know madrick fairly well of course you and violet have been
working together with the church of life for a while and madrick leads this church or at least
does his best to do so um and you were the first to receive this message now you are more familiar
with madrick's home than anyone else being that you spend the most time here um so as he approaches
you lead the rest of the party up to the porch i like those dogs
oh yeah oh he's trying to eat me oh don't worry i got you you know i'll kick any dog off the
off the porch so they don't get at you please oh this is this place is like it's like cute yeah
it's just like the little pumpkins everywhere and you know it's a soft and mushy pumpkin
you know has anybody tried to like you know cut a hole in the pumpkin before
i've seen what you do at most holes you come across and i'm not about to give you the opportunity
by cutting a hole in it well i'm just saying like you know the hole would be you know like a welcomed
you know attachment to the pumpkin maybe you could do something with it instead of it just being like
the round orange things it sits down in the yard all day but you know like i'm saying leave the
pumpkins alone you realize most of these pumpkins become sentient right oh that's even better so they
can participate in the pushing
as this conversation happens dr hops you step on the front porch to knock on the door of matric
i'm sorry first cnn we're already talking about fucking pumpkins welcome everybody to the shit
show appreciate y'all um helios hops you step on the porch to enter madrick's home now you know and
you remember there's a specific way you have to be able to get into madrick's home for he has set up
magical locks securities and glyphs etc you look around and i would like you to improv on this and
explain your thought process but there is a magical frog there's a stack of pumpkins there's a big
door knocker as well as a big pot of water sitting next to the front door and there's a certain
sequence that you have to play to be able to get into the door to madrick's home without having to
disturb anything else going on what do you do dr.
so i hop over to the door knocker and then i knock it two times and then i grab one of the frogs at
the water bucket and then it splashes the water hits the tile ground and then it starts blue tracing
over to the door and then the door mechanism releases nice nice and the door creaks open
and you can see on the inside of this home you three there are what look to be
magical mops and brooms sweeping the floor almost as if they were tasked with it and they're just
doing it by themselves there's also little pots of tea pouring themselves and food cooking itself
and all the dishes are doing themselves and then out from the back comes a man with a cane
what do you mean they're doing themselves jesus yes i would like to know how you do yourself
you know how to do yourself reiner don't even come at me like that you're more
experienced well i'd like to see how the dishes do it maybe it's more fun
mm-hmm yeah getting getting heavy with that tub of water or something
so you three know that you've been summoned to this uh this abode here from the warlock
cleric named madrick um he does live on this giant pumpkin farm and as he comes out from the back
he sees you three and oh he looks a little something like dude
he's got the whole dang thing today and i'm very excited about it
oh a good forking
nice hello i three adventure morning madrick it's good to see you hello
yes violet good morning yes mr hops i see you've brought rain here as i have requested very good
very good thank you for doing that he goes around you're welcome he sits the table and he gestures
towards three cups of tea um also at the table and you three sit down in front of him as you
usually do um with the tea he's like wait what are you doing here you're not supposed to be here
as you usually do um with the tea he's like wait is one of the tea cups like stills are floating
in the air sure can i also like pretend to sit down in the air but with the tea in my hand
because you're a fairy yes i love that couch coin for you there uh reiner love that oh he
likes a couch coin yes you're floating and he's like so i've summoned you here today excuse my
absence but i've been on a quest and i need your assistance well you see i have acquired many
treasures and made very many important contacts during my lengthy adventuring career says madrick
to you guys and he's like i would like to pass all of these treasures that i possess and favors
that i am owed on to you helios hops and in exchange i ask one favor of you of you three if
you will well as you know the carnival returns to our world of intoxica this weekend for one time
every eight years i ask of you to travel through the realm of prismir and the domain of the
feywild for i have lost contact with my archfey friend zeblina
she is my patron and inspiration and i would need you to find out what fate may have befallen her
for she rules the realm of the feywild and she is the source of my power without her i may die
well with the name like that it seems like this lady will be like you know the supermodel or
something you know she probably you know the name makes her sounds like the sexies you know
yeah yes reiner i do think i've known you a couple years reiner and i you might find a fancy in her
well this this will be great for me then it will let's let's let's go find her also as far as i'm
aware your lineage runs from the feywild correct uh yes this is correct you do not see me floating
in the air drinking the tea i do well i've been able to uh unable to contact zeblina for the
better part of a year and i fear something has happened to her my adventuring days are over but
zeblina has been good to me and i would like to know she is well before i take my final leave
i know it takes you a little while to process things helios do you have anything to say
why sorry you're gonna have to speak up
oh when i'm not sure zeblina may be able to help you get back
and you say she was last seen at the carnival well
yeah she's the last scene and she she rules over the domain of prism here in the feywild she is
the archfey there she is like um as reiner would say she is the queen of the feywild
you know it's a queen sleigh
now every eight years the world is visited by the carnival uh it's recently returned but it will be
leaving in three days so i need you three to travel from here to the carnival and i'm asking you to
this now because we don't know how long they will still be here and uh the carnival contains well
the only route to prism here the fey crossing if you will i need you three to seek out prism here
and seek out zeblina help her if you can and return here with proof that she is alive and well and upon
your return are all the hard work and hard work that you have to do to get her back to the carnival
return are all the hard-earned warnings i will give you from my career all of everything i've
earned will be yours it was a blina's safe okay so like you want us to bring back like a finger
or like a toe i'm sure she'll have a way niner a body part probably isn't the way to go
i was thinking isn't isn't that like how you prove like you know this person is alive in another
place it's when you bring back the finger toe i think that's how you prove how they're dead
not alive oh well i'm sorry like you know being in the you know not to the fey wild
i've learned some things from you know people i've slept with in taverns and they are not like the
smartest people so yes well uh hi lv darkling said what are couch coins so they're kind of
like inspiration and the person with the most couch coins at the end of stream is the mvp of
the stream they get to be on the thumbnail the show and everything else like that so if you feel free
like you want to give someone a couch coin please feel free to do so um yeah they're basically like
inspiration points so they can use them to reroll things and stuff like that and also if they get
like a draw card they can force another player to be under the same effects as them which is also
kind of fun i didn't know that that's fantastic there's a whole google doc about it but we kind
of skimmed it and show yeah i kind of get just thrown into things but i also can't read so you
know you gotta tell me these things you try teaching you you won't listen that's very no
it's stuff that i won't listen it just don't stay in there going one ear right out the other
it's like a tunnel through there i get an awful might of whistling
yeah so what you are saying is like your ears is like the gaping hole
sits i'm gay you ain't got nothing yes you have repeated to me this like a lot of the times okay
i know that there's no change between me and you but when you talk about the holes in the tunnels
and how things pass through them i cannot help but to you know like comment on that so
i swear if i hear you twinkling around my head when i'm sleeping glitter wings you got nothing
coming oh you have nothing to worry about i have moved on as you say
okay well hey uh it's good to hear that rhino's still up to your same shenanigans i think that
you uh might have a good time in the fey wild yes i do yeah y'all i love your eyes as holes are gay
check out the experience points it's all down there now if you missed the session zero check it out
holes are gay so my three friends i have a couple items to send you off on your adventure before
you go but i fear it's all that i can offer you and on the table he sits what looks like
a bag of beans some leather armor and a small little wand chaos car there you go
reiner with the first chaos card of the campaign what's it gonna be everybody
cleanse your butt cheeks and cross your fingers because it's the first chaos card of the campaign
oh shit my butt cheeks like iron hold on i have to import these across your butt cheeks
yes
uh i have managed to do that like one time on you know the slime person i met uh you were able to
like cross his butt cheeks but anybody else i think that would not work you know to import
these so you guys are gonna have to relog in the foundry okay because i forgot to import
the cards i'm gonna do that real quick my goodness i know doing it live baby
i'm trying don't kill me you never know you never know
let me open this up i think that's your armor yes so she he sets a bag of beans
leather armor and a wand on the table and he looks over to you hops and he says now you being my
apprentice i would like you to pick who these items should go to what size is this armor because
where is it a bit mighty mighty frightful size difference here it's a plus two magical leather
armor which gives you plus two to your ac no i meant like the size of it oh it'll fit you it'll fit
it'll fit magical shrinking
or extending export data
who's taking what helios
is
that's a good choice the same choice i would have made
now it's time to explain these things now in dnd beyond it's literally called a bag of beans
all right but basically inside this heavy cloth bag are 3d4 dry beans in a second i'm gonna let
you roll 3d4 for me the bag weighs a couple pounds if you explore all the beans on the ground there's
a big explosion but basically you could remove a bean from the bag plant it in dirt or sand
and then water it and then the bean produces an effect for one minute from the ground where it was
from the ground where it was planted which includes geysers of water up to toad stools growing and walking around
chaotic tree ants and campfires all other kinds of random stuff it's basically
a bag of beans that creates crazy ass magic essentially
he's got no thoughts all right here we go it's back up you guys can log back in here
and that now where do we put this item in our inventory yeah how do we go ahead and do that
give me one second here i must be i'll be oh no it's darkening
card stack
import data hold on importing our cards so we can roll chaos cards i knew i forgot something
uh-huh okay before we move forward i get to draw writer's first chaos card of the campaign
yay here we go oh yeah
random
have it draw
great this card is flashback
you have a flashback about your character describe the scene
like a noir story awesome i'll let you do this but first we're gonna explain what these magic
items do and how you guys can add them to your inventory right fair enough so on dnd beyond you
can actually go to your little items list you could type in leather what i'm gonna do is i'm
gonna display this here over in virtual tabletop and i'm wondering if it's just gonna send it
does it send it buy one card from no it did not
we're learning boys and girls
there it goes bag of beans yes that's what you get it's in the virtual tabletop you can see it now
um let me read chat here while this virtual tabletop in the foundry uh
okay the word magic has been banned so every time we say magic we have to drink
that's gonna be really hard in this here campaign darkling that's gonna be really hard
all right plus two leather so you get a plus two bonus to ac while wearing this armor
oops didn't mean to do that
go and we'll make sure it gets all added in for now don't worry about it too much
but i just want you guys to have a basic idea of what you're kind of dealing with here so i'm
sending them over to the chat in foundry my foundry is not opening oh now i can't get it to load
it's being a frightful bit annoying let me just tell you what that's fair mine is open would you
like me to roll my 3d4 for the beans no and only when you want to use them oh only when i want to
use them yes yes please please roll me the 3d4 tell me how many beans you have yes okay here we go
seven seven beans i have the seven beans wow all right not terrible not terrible
dr hops this wand is very special to me it's the wand that i use through my adventures this is the
wand of the war mage it's plus two while holding this wand you gain a plus two bonus to save your
attack rolls it's a plus two wand it gets you started on your adventure that is a good amount
hell yeah
there you go okay now that you have your items before you go is there anything you would like to say
okay now that you have your items before you go is there anything you would like to say
well it's always a pleasure to let you have us in your house it's always a pleasure to see you
yeah thanks very much our first little bit of chaos here flashback time rainer
i was trying to find like the effect where i could do like the black and white on myself
and make it like you know it's more believable i could do that is there any way you could find
me like the noir music this music is what you get okay
flashback earth yeah gray scales there we go that is doing it for me
it was just yesterday i met mine selena tracks she was a beautiful lady she was very sexy
i liked that about her that she was sexy you know
no but that's a besides the point because just recently i have stopped seeing selena tracks
i wonder where she is did she decide to screw minevena and skip town who knows but i'll find out
that is all i have for my flashback
magic very good very good very good very good
and uh madrick looks at you and he goes
well it sounds like to me that you have more than one reason to return to the fey wild rainer
especially if she did screw your veena and then skip town yeah she's like you know she taught me
how to sing the songs and stuff on the you know the tiny guitar so she's kind of important but
you know not like really important in the sense of you know like my sexual journey but you know
she may have you know had the relations with me when i was like you know still considered
the fairy child and opened me up sexually to you know so all the bod things that they are
and you know she's a huge reason why i became the bod in the first place and you know all these
things about you know my sexualities it is currently you know all over the place and i don't
know where i'm going but you know it's not a problem not really i don't care
i don't care you need to talk to somebody you know right we can talk privately
like we can just keep it between you and the fan so
seems to me you might be reflecting emotion with sex but that's fine okay you three you must
venture through the forest and get to the carnival it's only a couple hours travel from here it's
right around the corner i will be here when you return and if you need anything before you find
your way to prismia make sure to return to me for now i will return to my studies helios hops
this is your final trial helios if you manage to save zeblina you will go from being not only my
padawan apprentice but from being a full jedi i mean a full cleric of life may the life be with
you helios may the life be with you and off you are
uh all right guys let's talk to it do you want me to carry you oh please
now let's just scoop you up no no we're good we just did it he just i'm just gonna scoop him
up under my arm and we're just gonna go off there you go there you go okay
okay very good very good very good very good very good i was very excited about all that
that was a good little intro you know cheers everybody thank you so much for being here
god i'm so excited to be doing this campaign i'm gonna tell you it's full of wild whimsy and other
kinds of shit and it's just right up our alley and i'm just so excited here's everybody dr hoffs did
you take some medicine oh you see hops is always shaky and it's only reiners music that can make
him stop shaking so that's the only reason why they let me stick around otherwise they think i'm
like this disgusting pervert but i think they are just like you know sexually they're close-minded
probably well i'm now thinking you're the victim of abuse but you know if you don't want to talk
about it you don't want to talk about it no i don't want to talk about these things the only
things that me bringing this up is make me want to go fuck more people say it's the only things
that i want to do now yes there's nothing wrong with that mechanisms that is finest
okay listen i think all three of us know a little bit about like unhealthy code mechanisms all i'm
saying we can talk about it whenever you like it just has to be between us and the fan spoke so
you don't gotta tell nobody about nothing we want to do between us and the crystal
oh you and your crystals well all right you guys okay
that conversation happens as you're walking to the carnival now as you get closer you can see
the first stars of night twinkle above the apricot sunset giant dragonflies were overhead
trailing streamers and a low mist curls over the ground as you approach you can see through a
floral archway you glimpse wondrous and vibrant creatures elf stilt walkers dancing fairies and
painted performers everywhere there's laughter pixie dust giant bubbles and the wistful tune
excuse me of a whistling caliope is there like yeah go ahead you know is this like uh
there may be like i don't know it's a kissing booth somewhere inside maybe oh i might have to
visit that to a lot more than kissing if you know my meaning
like like we could just we could just attend anything you can see up ahead under the archway
a ticket booth with a small raccoonish
looking creature in a red suit yelling at people as they go by
that's where he's standing on is that sakura
is that sakura oh that's not sakura a silver statue of a dancing fairy is mounted on the roof of the
ticket booth and it's surrounded by fluttering butterflies
the booth is decorated with an animated depiction of the night sky with shooting stars arcing all
across it you can see this raccoon in the suit behind the ticket counter peering at all three of
you physically through a spyglass he lowers the spyglass and calls out to the other raccoon
physically through a spyglass he lowers the spyglass and calls out to all three of you
well you better come on and come right up if you want to get your tickets for the carnival
why are you standing so far away let's go come on come on come on come on come on come on come on
they're the witchlight carnival well i'm not sustaining i'm more like the floating over but
i guess i'll kind of like float over there and you know see if i can get mine tickets
okay yeah let's go and he puts down the spyglass and he just looks at you and he's like well what
will it be a ticket for the carnival a wicked for a carnival i'm sorry you're gonna have to speak up
you know i'm saying the ticket for the carnival you know it's the attraction that you are currently
standing in front of i would like to get inside okay look i'm not attracted to you but hold on
one second and he pulls out this big old earhorn and puts it like right up on your face and puts
it to his ear and he's like say again sir i would like to get inside the carnival you know the place
where they're having the fun the big top and the tent and all that okay fine you don't got to yell
at me jesus now would that be one adult okay i i i guess we are all trying to get into the carnival
you know ah me the big lady and since a tiny crack bunny the big lady you go in there he pulls out
his spyglass and zooms it into violet oh my stars is that violet fans it is how we doing
well it's good to see you you know you used to work here and i gotta say you've been missed
i mean you guys got plenty other acts besides me just lifting things
that's true we do have a lot of acts here but uh the big lifting helped helped us move from place
to place you know you also used to help me a lot translating and what have you well i will say thank
you thank you thank you thank you now violet fems actually i've seen your name on the registry
recently he starts skimming through the book well now usually it's eight silver pieces per adult to
enter here but it actually looks like violet fems someone's already purchased you a ticket today
well hot darn yes does it say who big poo poo say again does it say who oh god you don't have to
yell it doesn't say who did it but here's your ticket now there i do have two names under here
as well um it looks like i've got a dr helios hops and a rhina risen it's scribbled rhina are
you rhina yes my name is rhina i am sub you know it's a famous performer you know and the
on untamable sex beast among the land untamable sex beast i think i did actually hear that right
okay that's fine but what i will say is that i've got a ticket for each one of you someone has
already purchased them you must have good friends in high places oh no this cannot stand my little
friends like we cannot take them for free here have some as i recently acquired these beans i
think they have some sort of value so you can have a baby you know we were sent here by mandrake i
imagine mandrake's the one that bought the tickets no no this is not true you know you cannot take
something without giving something i learned this in the sex school you know i mean didn't you learn
the fey wild that you could take whatever you want you just gotta ask for it like this fine raccoon
can i have your name yeah of course uh my name is nicolas midnight the deuce it's not your name
anymore it's mine i don't know if that's how it works it's how it's wait a minute wait wait wait
have you taken my name you can have it back sweetheart i give you the name huh nicolas
but tonight well thank you my name will live in fame nicolas midnight the only best raccoon
you missed it oh oh no night full of magic for a carnival you can bet
that this chaos card is for none other than violet holy shit backstage bard cheers buddy
he's literally like i'm the bad i'm the bard on the stage and he's the bods it's like since
the backstage and he's giving these poems out i thought he was the guy that lived in your
asshole all right here we go no that's that's not my back straw that's like my downstairs your
character crushes on an mpc they recently interacted with look at that face well everybody
i'll tell you i'm nicolas midnight you know i gotta say violet all the times he used to work
here even though i may be an old raccoon aging i always thought your strength was of the best
of the strength that anyone could have like as if you big lady could just carry me to bed
i mean you know before i had my sexual awakening before i realized i only really like ladies you
know i i had a bit of thing for you too i like a bit of fuzzy ears oh wait wait why i think that
i am a lady indeed the nicolas is a free name um well well you know i'm nicolas so wait your name
is nicky midnight that's right nicky midnight i'm sure you could you could like you know search that
name on like a website that tastes like an orange and black logo and probably find something real
also someone dressed up like a raccoon probably anyways i'm nicky midnight
it's good to see you violet and i will be all around the carnival all day maybe me and you can
get some cotton candy together later well wouldn't that just be the space knees i'd be honored
i heard somewhere be honored goodness this crush card is beautiful these are the new chaos card
designs by the way everybody um i'm working hard on them the idea for these chaos cards is to
actually put them up for other people to be able to use and our lovely artists proteus and spice
morgan hard and make it so these designs are cool and we actually so if you're a streamer or dnd
player and you want to be able to use some chaos cards on your stream let me know also we're
developing a streamer deck that has nothing to do with dnd so if you're just a video game streamer
or whatever and you want to have some fun with these chaos cards let me know because we're also
developing another deck and we are looking for play testers all right um yeah look at that now
one last thing before you go i've got a map for each one of you uh of course before you're the
carnival now violet i know you used to be here but things are a little bit different than what
you used to remember from eight years ago uh so i'm gonna go on ahead and give you these maps
is it mostly pictures because you know i can't read it is mostly pictures okay
passes up this map here over here whoops a little bit bigger for you
and i'll send it in the chat as well i can
and he passes you this map um and then he hands each one of you a ticket oh let me fix this
he passes you each one of the ticket and then nicky midnight begins to explain that each one
of your tickets is worth eight punches so every attraction you go to needs a punch to be able to
go to whether that be a stall or a ride or whatever each ticket can have eight punches
if you would like more tickets you could always come back you can barter with either gold or with
fairy things um to get another ticket if you want to do more rides and attractions
but each ticket is worth eight punches and after nicky hands you the map they hand you the ticket
that looks a little something like this
i'm here for a brief moment i'm tired oh scott thank you for dropping in butto appreciate you
for joining us now before you go in uh do you guys have any questions no no questions
nicky when's your shift end what are you doing for the night when do you switch out
well my shift ends in three days uh but you know i can get off and and have some fun and get off
if you know it's just one little step at a time around here at the carnival everything's always
chaotic usually people stop coming in around midnight so i wander all right you come find me
then nicky midnights that's good so like you know
so really like some like edgy ass person with like some crazy ass made-up name
now nicky is is tracy still here am i gonna find her around well you might over at the bubbling
teapot or maybe even over by the carousel um you're gonna have to look for her though i don't know
if she still goes by tracy it has been eight years but give her a look and uh you know we do
still have a tribute to you up around here just keep an eye out for it oh lord that's right only
imagine um okay you three take your first steps into the carnival and when we come back in five
minutes we're gonna see what the hell the deal is because we're gonna take a five minute break
everybody um for these guys to get a rest and uh everything else like that but before we go
we're gonna do us a thumbnail pose as we always do this is your first time viewing the show
uh the way that we do this is you guys get to throw out random poses into chat
um and then these guys will do their best to pose as them however the hell they might interpret
them and then we screenshot them we make memes and other kinds of stuff fun shit for social
media and also like discord and just fun little shenanigans so if you guys in chat have any
suggestions for thumbnail poses please feel free to throw them into chat and they'll do their best
we'll take the first couple three before we get out of here if you've got any pose ideas
um violet carrying the boys on the back scoot in boys
i can help
oh lean the other way connor
there we go very good very good very good we also got vogue from aloha disney
i don't know what that means but do it
do it
vogans when you do this you do the squares around your head you do the madonna vogan
you know you do a little bit of vooze
voosian is the squares around the head
good all right last one here speak see no evil
big ears you've got here uh tiefling you've got speak and reiner you got glasses so you've got c
c
yeah all right everybody we'll be right back in five minutes to see what the hell's up with
this carnival don't go anywhere we'll be right back all right hello one and all welcome back
to the wild beyond this is episode one of love death and die it's the wild beyond thank you so
much for being here i'm your dungeon master turk of course i'm here with these three lovely
lads yes as we last left off uh these three just got their tickets and their maps and we're heading
into the carnival now on our break i did go ahead and send over the map to each one of these guys
so they can see it a little bit better but let me open it up here because at this point you guys
get to decide where you want to head to first and the way this is going to work is while you're
walking it takes i don't know maybe about 30 minutes or so to get from one place to another
but you're you could feel free to walk and go any place that you want to go um but hold on first
cheers i'm freaking thirsty hi slappy balls what's up everybody first
as you enter into the carnival under the large archway of flowers
pixies zoom zoom past your face you see the big singing elephant
walk past you as you guys enter you pass the lost things entrance and then the lost things
area the lost and found basically and then up ahead you can see a huge tent you can see a sign
that says the big top the roof of this tent reaches towards the night sky in three swooping peaks
with spinning gold stars above painted wooden panels on the tent walls were in colorful motion
displaying vibrant circus performances some of the signs in the front say who will be
the king will the show happen tonight another sign says um
oh
um oh nice ray right next to the trash near some slop in some pots there lied a random magical
item for the one doctor hops yes there you go um one of the signs says will the crowning of
the witchlight monarch happen only full happy vibes will make the ceremony commence
as you three step into the carnival hops you look down to the ground to see
look we're back to the cards we're back to the cards hops are you ready
ground score ground score baby this here is a deck of random random magical items um they are
produced by um i forget their name but they're the folks who make the awesome animated deck of
mini cards um they also make these magical and saddle bag yeah griffin saddle bag is what this
here is called and we've got one two and three mixed in the deck i've taken out all the cards
that we've used previously in other campaigns mostly at least um and so we shuffle and then
i'm gonna pull from the bottom so i don't know what it is this is what you get
there's my hand over there the socks of the well rested
that's what you find on the ground hops you see a pair of socks and you pick them up
now you can attune to these socks um uncommon actually they don't require attunement wearing
these comfortable enchanted socks allows you to recover an additional hit die upon finishing a
long rest you must be wearing both socks in your feet in order to gain this benefit
you can only benefit from wearing one pair of these socks at a time additional hit dice socks
so these are you could thank ray i would like to roll them up and put them in my backpack
and then my nice sleepy time socks
do they got nice grips on the bottom for like a grippy sock vacation
yeah they like the soft socks or they're like the ones that are crispy and they're like hard to bend
not hard to bend okay well that's good at this point um as you guys enter before you get a chance
to decide on where you want to go which i hope you've been debating on
a
a 12 foot tall walking tree
walking tree walks past you guys the garland and golden ribbons that match the decoration around
he marches down through the entrance emerald clouds swirl above the tree and as he shakes his
branches raining down golden spinning sycamore seeds fairy fairgoers all around try to catch
the seeds before they hit the ground and as the seeds gently fall a chatty squirrel small
runs around to the different fairgoers and gives them little dandelions that people start wishing
and blowing out as you three step forward if either one of you would like to try and catch
a sycamore seed please roll me a dexterity check i would like to catch one
oh i almost rolled it give it a go right i got an 18 nice i got the 16
nice and i got a 13 right all three of you passed lucky number so all three of you run out and
attempt to catch a falling sycamore seed just before it touches the ground doing so any creature
that catches a seed before it hits the ground receives a gift determined by rolling a d8
on the gifts table now each one of you catch these gifts each one of you roll me one d8
oh i have to eight i got a six and a four that's seven now
i got a six and a four that's seven now
therefore you gain from this gift a d4 pops you gain a d4 that you can add to any ability check
before the next dawn um violet the seed turns to a gold piece in your hand
you get one gold piece on an eight rhiner you can add a d8 to any one ability check that you make
before the next dawn oh this is good very good now the squirrel runs around
you could hear he's got like a very fancy kind of like voice he's like well now i'm giving you
all these dandy lions here you go here you go here you go if you want to make a wish and blow
for one day your wish may come true and then he scurries away and continues giving dandy lions to
everyone if you want to blow out a dandy lion and make a wish do not tell us what the wish is
but i would like you to write it down either on a piece of paper or on your character sheet
during the next break don't forget because these wishes may become important later if you would
like to make a wish will they become important later in this episode or important later in like
the next episode like later later oh later later okay i don't know how to write so i'm just gonna
have to remember okay uh whichever one you guys do make a wish let me know so i can remember that
i'm just gonna take the dandy lion and put it in my book and close it nice that's fun
rhina
i'm going to make the wish as well and blow i'm also making a wish i just can't write it down
but i won't forget it it's mighty important there you go um the big tree and the squirrel head off
together towards the festering orchard up to the north east here of the carnival but at this point
you guys stand around with random patrons doing their things and
running around having fun and you get to choose where you would like to go this is your first
like free time you have the map you guys can feel free to gander at let me know where you would like
to go to well you were saying that you had like the friend here do you want to go find your friend
and we could like see the attractions around as we're looking i think they said something about
the bubbles we could go look at whatever the bubbles are
you know yeah that it's a bubble in like teapot if i remember correctly it's like it's like a
tea house okay why don't we go there we can look for your friend and like you know have a little
bit of fun as well as we go trace is a bit of a mystic like a fortune teller type so she she's an
she's a dryad she's like a tree lady it's a tree yeah she used to be my roommate when we were
traveling together in the carnival here i know where tracy is and tracy is not there risa
yeah yeah she's not there but you guys can head there for sure
thinking that's maybe where she would be it's a secret
thinking that's maybe where she would be the sex bubbles of the teas this is not what i'm talking
about galatia but you know the sex bubbles are sometimes welcomed you know
depending what office they are coming out of you could be like you know it's a good bubble or
a bad bubble i mean is there anywhere i might remember there might be like some fun games i
can introduce these two too so as you guys are walking to the bubble teapot area it takes a
little while to get there um but as you're walking you do pass by a couple of small looking stalls
you pass by a couple of small stalls all of these kind of familiar to you violet you see
one of them says catch the dragon by the tail the other one says gnome poetry contest
and the third one in this area says outstair the cyclops
oh bryan you might you might find that the the gnome poetry one might have found with all the
songs you sing you might do real good that gnome one i suppose i could do this gnome poetry
you know sound the rhyme it's time to rhyme you bring the poem and we'll bring the gnome
a little gnome says
you know my teacher she was a gnome her teacher
teacher well if you want to rhyme step right up and together we will have a good time
okay
so i handed him my ticket so he can do the punch on it oh
oh yeah you step up and he's like well what seems to be your name my friend my name is rhina
ah rhina like a rhymer good to have you good to have you
oh yes it's very wonderful to be here do you think you're going to be good at this game
maybe it seems like you know yeah i'm more used to like the songs sometimes the songs they rhyme
but you know sometimes if they rhyme too much they don't sound as good so we'll see
okay well hand me a ticket my friend and he puts a punch in it and he steps up on this
tiny little stage and a small little group stands around he's like well we're gonna go one on one
me and you and tell our rhymes together esq and if you win then you will win a small prize that
we have to give to you something that runs the prize would you like to go first
i'm not the best
uh sure do i just like say the phrase yeah so what's gonna happen is um we're gonna do
three rounds you get to say a phrase and then roll a charisma check even if you can't come
up with something on the spot your charisma check is really what matters and we're going
to do contested charisma checks for all three rounds all right
okay so do i have to rhyme in my phrase or is a rhyming off of my phrase
or is a rhyming off of my phrase uh your own phrase my own phrase i'm rhyming at okay
is this like a rant battle but rhyming kind of yeah so so i start with mine phrase
yes yes
yes okay in this game i shall pass because i have a nice nice tight round ass
nice dude from the curtains and here is mine charisma check yes that is a 21
fucking shit look at them cheeks the crowd explodes ah the ass
yes
he says all right well here we go over a hill over dale through brush through brya over park
through pale through flood through fire i do wander everywhere swifter than a moon sphere
and i serve the fairy queen to do her orbs upon the green to cow slips tell her prisoners be
free in their gold coats their spots you will see those berubas fairies favors in those freckles
live their savers in those freckles i must go seek somewhere dew drops here and hang a pearl
and every cow slips here you got a 21 oh shit he got a 21 wait a minute
okay it's a tie the crowd also rolls for him
what you have then old fairy chap what do you got it does not matter that your rhymes are long
by the end of this battle you will suck my dong oh that's pretty good all right it's only a 13
in that time so you win the first one go ahead and roll again
yeah
so it is a 14 14
tis said she first who clings into vapor and then into a cloud such clouds as flit like
splendor winged moths about a taper around the red west when the sun dies in it and then into a
meteor such as a caper on hilltops when the moon is a fit then into one of those mysterious stars
which hide themselves between the earth and mars 14 he has plus three 14 it'd be a tie
what you got there old chap last round who will win wow your rhymes are matching me so well it's
causing my thing in my pants to swell i guess sometime we can spend a loan so that maybe i
could give you my bone in the crowd roars so it is a 21 oh 15 but jesus
i met a lady in the sea i met a lady in the meads bull beautiful a fairy's child her hair was long
her foot was light and her eyes they were wild i made a garland for her head and bracelets too
and fragrant zone she looked at me as she did loved and then i made her moan
madame madame the beautiful lady without mercy is one of jone geese best loved and most wide
but you see for today i am the one with the extra eye
oh there's no way i'm beating that 21 16 plus three is 19 yeah the crowd goes wild
well my friend it seems today you have won so i guess i owe you a prize hold out your hand and
i might give you my sweet warm thighs
uh no i'm going to roll on the carnival prizes chart now it's a 1d12 actually you can roll it
for me roll me 1d12 there seven seven he gives to you a reusable witch lights themed water bottle
as an action you can cast the create or destroy water spell once used this way the water bottle
loses its magic the water bottle of water and
as you look around when this thing is done you can see
you can see that the fairies begin to flutter a little bit more the smile on all the participants
faces seem to grow a little bit larger and you can feel inside the vibe of the carnival as a whole
seems to grow as you step down off the stage as little kids run around happily throwing around
their streamers and having a good time it feels as if everything has gotten a little bit brighter
was it's weird those children shouldn't even know what i was rhyming about
hi frog toys this is all about anal huh yep yep indeed okay and we're still off to the bubble
teapots yeah yeah
oops a lot going on here those children need therapy they do yeah you ain't wrong
i feel like this is the season of we all need therapy
really okay a 20 foot tall teapot rests on what seems to be a wooden platform
its painted surface whirring with moving imagery of flying dragons breathing steams of bubbles
a door at the base of the teapot allows entrance into its interior and it seems those who emerge
from the spout are enclosed in a bubble that detaches to float off across the carnival in the
sky you can see chaos corn oh rhino gets a chaos pan you can see seven goblins sit around the
platform sipping tea from mismatched porcelain cups
other card huh
blank one great reiner you get fancy time
i must talk like the past rich person for the next one d6 minutes but
yes am i not already in like this you know kind of accent actually we are like the post rich person
so nothing has changed your card does nothing i am still the same i am just better than you
like you have no idea how much better i am
i am like this for two minutes you know because i won my competition yeah yep i'm like you know
it's a fabulous performance that you all know me as you know just better way better as you uh
approach the goblins a lot of them don't move but it looks as if one friendly goblin
he waves his uh as he sips on his tea he's got like a string of teaspoons on his belt
you can see the other several friendly goblins just sit around and chatter
but while you approach he gestures to a sign on his table that reads the word that you intend to say
maybe try saying it in a different way and he points at it before he even takes your ticket
gift an item
makes him a trashy all right i'm gonna shuffle but what do you guys think of this what do you do
hops it's been a while since you've done something what do you do
i was gonna hop over to the snail racing the snail racing
we can get into the snail racing but for now like a teapot what do you do
yeah i don't want to mess with the teapots this like dingy sign like what does the dingy sign say
that is like the word you intend to say try staying it try saying it in a different way
well i was going to say like your sign is trashy but i said it was dingy instead i think this works
out very well
stands up he looks at you like dingy no no no no dingy no work dingy no work try again
no no no no dingy no work dingy no work try again
wonderful seem like the tiny green person that's in the carnival or as is a celebration of the
actors and performers here say you you do what your name is like the spoons or something does
they call you spoons because of your belt name is is it's a tree clives
tree clives likes to talk in nonsensical rhymes if you can replace a word with a nonsensical
rhyme then maybe i'll give you some of my tea oh well skip daddlydoo can i go into the teapot
well that almost rhymed my tea fling friend you look familiar
i haven't been around in a long time but i used to hang around these parts
it still didn't rhyme try again you know i ain't nothing good for rhyming but i'll think of something
if you would like to just go in that's fine but then no magical tea for you
you frog toys now this tiny green man my attention you have took
i just cannot take all your spouting of this gobbledygook
gobbledygook is a good one that's a really good one look here here's some tea here's some tea
pulls out a little leather bag that's got some scatter leaf tea inside of it this is
magical tea leaves as an action reiner when he gives it to you you can use this later as an action
you can scatter these tea leaves on the ground in a five foot radius duplicating the effect of a
protection from good and evil spell and it will last 10 minutes it's basically like uh you know
salt of vampires put it in a circle kind of deal basically like that so like protection from sea
bears this will work yeah protection from sea bears did you say protection from a sea bass
oh it's a sea bear not bass i was thinking like
what you got to worry about a sea bass for you never know when they will strike never know
oh i imagine a sea bass would you know strike in the sea okay and then also of course in the court
of chaos you get an item here we go oh you're giving me all these things wow this carnival is
great for me you know the palm i've gotten all these wonderful things of 10 000 styles
this canister of waxy pomade is a magical property allowing you to change your hair's color style
thickness and length the canister steadily replenishes itself over time once you've used
this product in your hair it returns to normal appearance after you finish a long rest hair
produced by the pomade that's been cut off turns to dust for 24 hours it's magical pomade
by the pomade that's been cut off turns to dust for 24 hours it's magical pomade
i could like totally use this if i want yeah later zoe later um
okay he then waves out his hand for your ticket well are all of you gonna ride the teapot bubble ride
ride oh it's a ride are you guys still having the weight distribution problem like am i gonna be
too heavy to take off the ground no you'll be just fine increase of magic everything's fine
don't worry about it all right
are all are you gonna ride the teapot ride
i guess we should try to ride it okay um he waves you into the teapot after he takes each one of
your tickets and pokes one hole in it um he waves you into the inside and as you guys get in there
it's really dark and you can't see much but then you start to feel lighter and one by one each one
of you pop out of the spout of the large teapot and you're now floating in a large bubble above
the carnival you can see everything below all the different rides and everything else like that
if you would like to get to one place or another place quickly this is a good way to do it but
additionally um a character that is suspended in one of these bubbles can make a dexterity check
and you can gain control of the bubble um and then you could actually move anywhere on the carnival
map um of course don't fail on this check but while you're up in the air you look over and you see a
bunch of other kids basically playing bumper bubbles with each other bumping into one another
and popping and falling down to the ground and if this is something you would like to also partake
in you can i would like to take control of mine bubble okay roll me a dexterity this would be
acrobatics this is oh acrobatics i just wrote the the dext oh wait how how do i roll oh those
are saving throws yeah hold on so acrobatics okay it was plus two anyway so it's it's still the 10
oddly enough that's a success
yeah i'm trying to get control of my two 15 you gain control of your bubble
uh sure why not i'll give it a go
oh
that'll be a 17 nice nice all three of you begin floating together controlling your bubbles over
top of the carnival down below you can see all different kinds of kids and other kinds of people
having fun um for example you can see a dragonborn taking a mighty swig of a fiery looking cocktail
and breathing it out as if he's blowing out red glowing bubbles that they pop with steam you can
also see a trapeze artist flying around in the air as if swinging on nothing
but while you all three look below i just want to see real quick roll me perception each one of you
guys if you can this is underneath wisdom it's a wisdom perception check you should be able to
click that little wisdom guy nice ah 13 118 got to 17 all right violet and reiner you look down below
to see a crow person um a kinkou and they're wearing like a cloak made of familiar fabric that
it violet you've seen um at madrick's house um he's wearing a familiar fabric cloak but as you're
floating above you can see that he's like tampering st. canter who shaped water on dr. hop's bubble
pop all right i'm down with him um but first you can see that the kinkou looks like he's tampering
with what looked like cages um behind the big top of strap against the big end like tampering with
some cages and then he flutters away and you guys slowly float over to the snail races um before
dr. hop's bubble pops way up in the sky dr. hops i need you to make me an acrobatics dexterity
save while you fall to the ground you're about 30 feet up don't fail all right you succeed um so
what we're gonna do um succeeding on this acrobatics check you're gonna take damage
isn't that how high that a that a herring gun can jump anyway that's true but falling totally
different thing you take six damage falling from the bubble down to the ground
you two float down to the ground and pop out of your bubbles as well landing right besides
dr. hops who's on the ground suffering can i scoop him up
yeah yeah are you doing all right pudding piles are you doing all right
not really um
um hold on i think we did we're over at the snail race and isn't that where you wanted to be
oh yeah
hold on uh because i don't know how this works so i'm gonna bear with me for a second
i think i think there's something i can do there's something in my actions that says lay on hands
pull nice can i do that up to five hp to any person so each one of those squares is one hp you can
give you could lay on hands and heal him could i lay on hands for how many hp did he have to begin
with eight eight he took six oh jesus
uh then then i'd like to do to do four if that's all right i'd like to i'd like to lay on hands
for four you go you lay your hands down on dr. hops as you're holding him and you soothe him
and kind of rock him back to light and you can see the magic coming out of you into him and you can
hear your uh your god of vengeance in your head he says one day we will take vengeance on those
who cast cantrips on those of hair and gone we will destroy them for all that worth maritime
gamer tv will die you know that's fine kill him kill him now violet we all we all know a side quest
will take him out eventually that's all we've had the past three years can i also do something in
this moment yeah you absolutely can i want to do the bardic inspiration for for my party members
well while she's doing the spell i'm going to sing lay your hands on me lay your hands on me
lay your hands on me
me nice nice well okay as a refresher will you explain to me exactly how bardic inspiration
works i think you just is it a performance and then they get a d6 to add to any ability check
clap clap clap yeah can we get some claps in chat for the first bardic inspiration of the campaign
there will be many more but yes sabotech inspirations the way it works is like so one
d6 for 10 minutes for anybody that can hear it um it says as a bonus action a creature other
than yourself was in 60 feet that can hear you gains inspiration die and it doesn't look like
i have to do the performance yeah i don't think so you just gotta go so they have a d6 for the
next 10 minutes to any attribute that they want yeah oh yeah it just happens i was trying to
figure out the chords for that but i could not like remember what singing is always good all
right guys in front of you as you stand up refresh yourselves and shake it off you can see the grand
stands next stand give us a speech fuck what am i doing read the chat i can't read
i'm gonna do
you are unintelligible we're gonna have to fix that discord suppression
um vila let the people know how good the new story for sidequesters is
all right does it matter that i haven't watched it yet
not at all not at all all right let's see
careful now so the new the new sidequesters it's a pretty great show it's got one of my
favorite actors on the grouch couch on it fishy as well as the one of the newer members backstage
bard and you know there's there's a certain canadian on it as well i don't know why we're
letting the canadians in but you know he's all right every so often he does come in here and
try to mess everything up for everybody but i hear they're in like a special realm where they like
do the things that we forgot to do which good on them for sweeping up behind us it's like having
a personal janitor service i don't feel the need to finish anything anymore yeah i'm scruffy
and you know it's just a good dang dang old time so come on down and watch the new sidequesters
there you go every thursday 6 pm pst
jesus the grandstands next to this race course are filled with cheering fairgoers ringing bells
swinging rattles and waving flags on the starting line eight giant snails are having their shells
scrubbed by pixies as they flutter around them above the circular course a wooden gantry hangs
from the branches of the central tree where two looks like a ken ku and another fairy officiate
the proceedings as you know violet snail racing is a highly competitive fast-paced sport to the
carnival goers it draws in a lively crowd and you know that crowd goers can participate in the race
as snail jockeys but it does cost one ticket punch to enter you three approach to the left
the stands to the right the entry who would like to ride a snail
oh wait right a snail i don't do it like
now they're giant snails they're giant so they might come up to your chest they're they're pretty
big for snails they come up to your like your chest you'd be the perfect size for a jockey
yeah i guess i'll try i can do this too because like i'm the small guy i can get on the snail i
can mount it you know bam back yeah chat do me a favor we need names for eight snails the first
time in this episode one please use the name of thing command and throw out random names for snails
like nimblefoot high road quickly flower flash wizzy breakneck or queen's majesty something like
that racing snails throw out eight names for racing snails we're gonna let each one of these guys pick
the name of the racing snail and i will give them a coordinated color fair enough escargot jesus
all right you guys pick your snail names will you i'm personally not gonna ride one because i'm i'm
just much too big for a giant snail you could absolutely ride a snail if you want to you'll
just be a little big it'll be whimsical but that's totally up to you you have the ability if you don't
want to that's cool i'm not built like a jockey i'd much rather watch and cheat egg them on
all right i think i will go for the slippery bipple
all right dr hops which ones you pick okay then for your color roll me a d8
roll me a d8 for the color of your snail um we also need a bunch more so of course we're
picking escargot we're picking slowly hardly slippery bippy gary slimy the quick speedy
gone slimer and the really big one for violet astro glide yes spleek dog uh what colors you get
seven oh that'll be under seven your snail is red my color is the red is that's on slippery
bipple two slippery bipple is red and zubulba is blue
all right every snail needs a jockey and any saddles not filled by you guys as the characters
are filled by other attendees you can see children and kids you can see fairies and other kinds of
monsters trolls and stuff like that all riding on their each other snail being the names i
mentioned earlier all the snails and their riders being you two arrive at the starting line
as you arrive and your tickets are punched fireworks start to go off
and a tiny little gnome walks out to the entrance holding two flags around his chest like this ready
to send it off now before we begin the rules are as follows the race is divided into
six second rounds once the race begins each one of the snails is going to move along this track
at a remarkable speed each one of them covers about 80 feet per round by itself without
riders the snails aren't even matched but a jockey being you two can try to approve
improve the snail's performance by patting its shell or speaking words of encouragement to it
or singing if you want to these initiative roles during this time are unnecessary but once per round
can't read oh goodness
don't know what cantrip can do this but just before race finish turn the finish line to salt
i don't think a cantrip can maybe press the decision you can make it look like we ain't
yeah that's fucked up you turn you want to dissolve all the horses what kind of
fucked up shit you want you you're the type of person that's shooting a horse before they get
they get break their leg what's wrong with you that's right frog toys you belong in the creatures
everyone who's not in the creatures feel free to drop some shame bells for frog toys all right
so uh once per round each of you guys can make a dc12 animal handling check on a successful check
the snail will move an extra 10 feet or 20 feet if the checks to see is by five or more on a failed
check though it moves 10 feet slower all right or 20 feet slower if it is down by five or more
when the race the race ends when one of them travel um over 400 feet if two or more snails
cross the finish line at the same time i'll determine it um i've got some notes here don't
worry about that signs posted in the stands along the racetrack warn all right that everyone can
influence the outcome and no one from in the stands can influence the outcome by magic or
anything else like that but i will allow violet to encourage once per round either one of these
two that you want to give an extra d4 to them um as a help action i'm kind of like cheering for
them and and you know but you can only pick one of them to give the help action too once per round
all right you got it all right now i will need my paper for this let me get my paper real quick
like everybody's shaving oh my as we come back to the like racing life you see dr hops in like
one of those like men's bicycling outfits on top of his snail just like ready to fucking go
use that shaking to your advantage use it as a tiny motorboat for your snail
can i like not sit on the saddle of my snail but like hover just above it and also just hold the
reins so the reins pull me along if you want to sure i feel like it'd be easier on my snail
yeah and then for all of my words of encouragement i'm going to be singing to my snail an inspirational
song could you say it's bardic inspiration if it had effect and i get an extra d6 for my snail
who knows no but i will let you sing as animal handling and if you do sing and the song's good
enough i'll give you advantage on your animal handling track and and you said we're doing this
in like the 20 feet sections segments 80 feet segments okay but there's multiple segments per
the race right it's going to be okay then then i'm going to basically yeah i'm going to separate my
song for the whole race okay all right you two saddle up violet you sit down on the stands um
next to a couple of uh uh really nice looking uh centaurs i'm gonna say they're sitting on the
stands next to you one of them looks over and he's like hey hey uh aren't you the strong woman
i used to be uh yeah i was a fan i was here eight years ago i came down from common
steel uh yeah the new queen's doing a good job she raised my you know my income and i get to come to
the carnival again it's a good time damn oh fantastic well i mean i if anybody allows me i'd
be willing to put on a little bit of a show later on but you know i could
i'm just reminiscing in the nostalgia right now
okay as you guys sit on your snails you can hear the snails gurgling and burgling
ready to go a little dwarf with the flags on his chest waves them and fireworks go off
one of the fireworks hits a fairy in its wings and burns it and it's like
he falls down in the mud and the snails take off
both of you guys you can make the animal handle check or you cannot now remember if you fail to
check it'll go slower but if you succeed it'll go faster so we're gonna go clockwise
Reiner so what do you do mine first okay yes uh let's see i have the plus four to animal handling
should i do the role first and then do you know the song or not
up to you you can try to i'm going to do the role first okay that's fair so this is a 14
okay that's a success
rising up back on the street did my time took my chances with the distance now i'm back on my feet
just a man and his will to survive nice dude fucking nice dude we've just been
righted and didn't go off how you doing welcome on in here how's it going welcome in thank you for
joining us out there oh thanks steve i appreciate you man okay that is a plus 10 to extra feet
couch coin i know for them pipes oh hell yeah dude that's three couch coins for reiner remember
you got them you can use them bad boys as rerolls um i forgot to say before dr hops goes violet would
you like to use the help action oh good i would like to cheer for dr hops
how in what way do you think you're gonna cheer
uh i'm i'm gonna yell real loud i'm not gonna do it right now because i want to blast out all your
eardrums but i'm gonna say go dr hops you beautiful little pudding paws shake that tail feather and go
like the entire like race line is entirely quiet and everybody's just like
like
all right so you get a plus one d4 on your anal handling roll if you choose to make it mr hops
what do you do yeah i plan to make it
right oh that's that's good that's not good you get a d4 that's a five
now i'll roll your d4 i can't and remember you still have my bardic inspiration as well
it's also very true so you get the d6 as well
and then d6 that's a four and another two nine eleven i'm gonna use i'm gonna use the d4 from the
the tree that i got to d4 from the tree hell yeah dude that's another two that's a
we took a while boys but we got there
all right uh in what way you succeed obviously by an extra 10 feet in what way do you encourage your snail
to go oh i imagine that like i am also shaking really fast so it's just like
friction and vibration we're just like slowly getting speed together like vibrating this snail
so it's like nice nice okay these other snail riders low hanging fruit experienced adventurers
or experienced snail riders so all of them just continue riding straightforward at the 80 feet
so you dr hops and reiner are now both 10 feet ahead you've moved 90 feet and the initiative
comes back around to the top first violet would you like to encourage either one of these boys
on this turn oh of course i would i'm gonna i'm gonna once again i'm gonna go for my little hoppy
filler my little fuzzy my little fuzzle ears yeah what do you say i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna bang my
sword on the stands and go like get your rear and gear you gotta beat mr glitter wings
oh yeah that's good enough so you get that extra d4 there hops but top of initiative too as well
that means reiner's first reiner what do you do well i'm going to encourage my snail with the rest
of my song nice but first i need to do the role for it it's animal handling plus four right that
is a dirty 20 that's a success which means um it's five above the check which means it goes 20 feet
extra instead of the only 10 and here's the encouragement snail so many times it happens so
fast you change your passion for glory oh goodness don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
you must fight for the will to keep them alive uh we'll read that on his turn sounds good it moves
20 feet faster as you flutter above it holding the reins your snail looks up at you what's his
name again his name is slippery bipple slippery he's like his little eyes like turn and look right
at you and like blink and then they he tries to go as fast as he can uh before hop's turn friends
dr hops gives advantage on charisma checks like animal handling but when it ends the snail knows
it was manipulated and becomes hostile so you're going to get advantage from blink dog fucking
smart ass action there blink dog i'm so proud of you um you're going to get advantage on this role
if you decide to that's for charisma checks animal handlings wisdom i know it's why i don't
fucking care i'm the dungeon master
wooden battles is so cute when he's angry that is okay so you get advantage plus a d4 from the help
from violet my friend do you want to encourage your snail this round you do
do uh animal handling 13 which is a success plus your d4 get a four ah
you did what was that
okay you're good when he's angry he's like a tiny little tea kettle
oh that's a two which makes it a 15 which doesn't mean it doesn't go 20 feet but you
look down vibrating at him and he turns his eyes and looks at you and then you guys fall
10 feet behind reiner and his snail
Reiner's gaining you can see the finish line ahead the top of the initiative violet who do you help
i'm once again going i listen i he don't he don't need none of my help no but we're going for dr
hops the whole way we're we're mr songbird don't need no help from me we helping the we helping
mr jitters sick dinners who are helped once again you do it in another way or the same as before
before
i'm gonna do it in the same way because i i don't want to falsely promise nothing
nice you start yelling in the centaur next to you he looks and he goes
yeah you're not only a strong woman but you're uh real good at yelling too you know me and my
centaur wife are trying to enjoy the show i mean you better get into the show i mean come on now
this is racing you get into the racing okay i'll try i'll try go reiner reiner on slippery slipper
go go reiner that's right get into it it's like you never been into indy snail under before
it's only a 10 so he fails his performance but i was gonna give you the help action as well
that he fails all right reiner what do you do well i'm going to sing is this is this is like
this is the last push to the finish line there's counting this one two more oh two more okay
then i'm going to perform the next part of the song to encourage mine snail
same motherfucker never been to the indy snail hunter before like come on
oh Jesus that's that's a success yep not five over but he moves 10 feet what do you got for us
it's the eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight rising up to the challenge of our rivals
and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night and he's watching us all with the
uh eye of the tiger nice nice all right hops how do you follow up
and i follow up how am i supposed to follow up against that
like the divination crystals
oh
Actually, can I just sprinkle it on him? He'll just absorb it, right?
I guess, yes, yes he will.
I love that.
There you go, couch coin Dr. Hopps for giving the snail drugs inspiration.
Plus there's a 21 baby, plus your 4. Give me that 4. Roll that D4.
That's a 25, which means you've beaten the number twice, which means you go 30 feet.
So you put some divination crystals on the snail and the snail looks at you and its pupils go wooooooowww.
As it looks back at you and then it zooms forward as fast as it can. It goes 10 feet past Reiner's snail as he goes,
Theeeeyaaahhh!
One more plus, you're 10 feet ahead of Reiner.
I'm gonna run down here. We're at the top. Violet, what do you do?
Yeah, we're pushing through on Mr. Fluffifate there.
Nice. Nice.
We're pushing through. He gon' get it.
You wanna win a race? Use drugs, not hugs.
He's gonna be hostile after the race anyways. He'll be fine.
You yell for him and the centaur's like, no, go Reiner and slippery slew, go! Go, go, go!
And he clops his things down. Performance. He still fails. I'm sorry Reiner. I'm sorry.
Oh, thank you. Thank you Fawzy. You know, the encouragement. I appreciate it.
It's your head in the game, Reiner. We ain't got no time for you to pay attention to the stands.
He's 10 feet ahead of you. This is the last push. What do you do?
This is the last push?
Yeah, you can see the finish line up ahead.
Okay, well I can't muck around with these verses. I need to sing the chorus again. Just to motivate the snail.
So on this one, I've got-
Again, if you sing first, you do a good job, I'll give you advantage. You keep rolling first, but I told you,
if you sing and you do good, I'll give you advantage. So sing first.
Oh. Oh. It's tough. If you have another plan, go ahead.
Yes, it is tough. This is something- Okay, yes, I want the advantage. I want the advantage.
Okay.
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of our rival.
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, and he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger.
Eye of the snail.
And then I'm also going to use my d8 that I got from the tree.
So there's one.
Okay, 16, which is plus four with the animal handling, so that's a 20. Plus the d8.
Let's see the d8.
It's a three. So it's a 23.
It means you move 30 feet. So you go-
The eye! And you- snail looks back at you. You've gone 20 feet ahead of hops.
So our new hops. What do you do?
So I'll take it.
The underdog.
What's the tiger number to be able to beat if he's already past the first line?
Every five above the 12, you go an additional 10 feet.
All right.
What do you do?
I mean, I don't think a second dose of divination crystal would help.
And it burned the nose.
Rub it in.
You're going to OD your snail.
Like in the finish line.
You got a point.
I'm a roll a constitution save for the snail, baby.
Oh, goodness. There we go.
You got a 17. Plus three, which is 20.
Dirty 20.
You've got nothing else.
Oh, that's a 23.
Which means you move 30 feet.
He sings and he rushes past you singing and you start sprinkling more divination crystals on your snail.
And his pupils get even bigger. They're completely black now.
And he looks forward and sees Rainer whipping the reins, just sing into this fucking snail.
And you're just rubbing drugs into the skin of this snail and it zooms forward at the last second.
And the snail goes through the finish line.
Is Rainer you land down on the ground afterwards?
Finish your song. You strum it out.
It looks like Dr. Hopps has won this day.
Yeah, what was that? Constitution draws out.
I know. Now we'll see if the snail survives.
Constitution will call it a 12.
Natural 20. The snail is livid, dude.
The snail is happy. The snail is like sick.
The snail is like, I am Zoboba and I can see the future.
Can I buy this snail? I'm going to take him with me.
I mentioned the snail starts talking exactly like Zoboba.
He's like, Annie! Annie is me!
He's got the big old eyes and he's like, it's me! I'm here today!
Oh, you want to race today Annie? I will win Annie.
Fucking shit.
As you hop off your snails, the whole crowd goes wild.
The centaur stomps his clops down next to you.
Violet, you run, you jump over the fences and you go and you give Dr. Hopps a big old hug
because he won and you swing him around in the air.
I'm lifting him over my head being like, this is a motherfucking champion.
Yeah, the whole crowd goes wild. They're like, Hopps! Hopps! Hopps! Hopps! Hopps! Hopps! Hopps!
Can we get some hops and chat? Come on, give us some hops and chat.
Hopps! Hopps! Hopps!
The whole crowd goes wild. A jockey comes over.
He's holding this whipping thing with a little piece of leather on the end of it.
And he's real small, a real small little gnome jockey.
He comes over and he goes,
It looks like you have fed my snail drugs. Does this mean you will be buying my snail on this day?
I mean, yeah. Maybe the snail's for sale.
Yes, well, buying a racing snail is a very expensive price there.
Herring gone. Do you have the money?
Well, how much is the snail?
About a hundred gold.
Ah, did he give us any gold before we left?
And then you both look over and you see the snail and the snail's like,
I can see the future!
Like going in a circle and he's like,
Well, maybe 30 gold.
The snail says,
Fuck no, brother!
Let me ride a drug snail.
Well, you couldn't come back. You can buy the snail later.
Look, I just want you to know that if you've drugged my snail,
you will next time be screened and checked before you participate in snail races.
Oh, excuse me, Mr. No. We all know anything goes at these snail races.
It says directly so on the sign.
Well, yes.
I've been reading it many times.
Anything goes except drugging the snails.
I do believe that is illegal.
Have you ever tried to take steroids when it comes to gumball?
That's right.
We do not give steroids to the snails.
Look at the size of me. Does it look like I need steroids?
No, but we're not talking about you are we?
We're talking about the snails now.
We do not want to be drugging the snails.
Can I take this opportunity to like,
I want to like, you know, pat my snail and said he do a good job and, you know,
ask him like ask him if he wouldn't mind if I take some of his slime and like put it in my pocket.
Sure, sure. I think all the encouragement you did to the snail,
I won't make you roll animal handling again,
but as you pet him and you're nice to him, he kind of like rubs up against you
and you just stick your hand down underneath and he just kind of like lifts up and like lets it happen.
Like he thinks you're trying to pet him, but you're just stealing the slime.
I don't think that's how you pet them.
That's not what's happening right there.
That's a form of mating for snails. You're going for its glands.
Actually, most of you are false. I've seen snail matings.
They do it on a leaf and they drip down in the slime as they wrapped themselves around each other.
This is simply me just gaining resources for maybe something that I could use later, you know, lube.
There was a potion of lube at one point.
Yeah. So where did that potion go to? Banana? Dave? Dave's banana.
By the way, you still owe us pictures.
Dave, who you have to say who the potion is going to, which which of the players,
because there was a potion of lube that was given out.
He hasn't used it yet. Reiner. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha.
There we go. And Dr. Hopps as the winner.
Another gnome comes around and he gives you a potion of advantage.
The docket that comes in last, which wasn't used. Don't worry about that.
But you get a potion of advantage when you drink this potion.
You gain advantage on an ability check, saving throw or anything that you choose within the next hour.
You get a potion of advantage.
I would like to go back over to the snail salesman and be like, I will change you.
This potion of advantage, a crossbow and a mace for that snail.
Roll me persuasion. Where did you get a crossbow?
We'll call it an 18. You don't want to know.
Don't bringing weapons and sides is a carnival.
Persuasion DC 18. Chat, you could help with plus ones. Just so you know, hit it.
It's a 19. It's a 19.
He goes, OK, yes, I will take your crossbow, your potion of advantage and your whatever.
Just put it on the table. You can take the drug that's the bull.
He's fine. We don't want the drug that's the bull anymore anyway.
So you may take him, feed him, do whatever you want with him.
You'll keep him here with the rest of the day.
But make sure you come and get him before the carnival departs. OK.
Gift an item. Are you going to take good care of this snail?
Oh, this snail is going to be well taken care of.
You promised that because I do still. I mean, you did get drugs to the snail.
I don't know.
At the time of his life, he's just like doing like pull ups out of a chin up bar.
We look out the window and the snail is just like going in circles.
Somehow it found sunglasses.
Yeah, it's like Slurm McKenzie.
Did we just turn this snail into Slurms McKenzie?
Yeah, we did.
The ultimate party worm.
My home is fast and liquorifying. There you go. Random item for Dr. Hopps. OK. He's like, and here is a consolation prize.
You also get.
He bottled a bis.
It's like what now?
The bottle, the bis is a consolation prize.
This small vial is a single dose of a fuming pitch black poison.
When a creature eats or drinks it, it takes 46 psychic damage.
Constitution saving throw and on a failed save, the creature becomes blind and unable to sleep.
When an affected creature attempts to rest, their dreams are plagued with terrible nightmares presenting them from benefiting from long rest.
The creature can reattempt a saving throw every 24 hours.
The potion lasts until the affected creature succeeds on the saving throw or is cured by greater restoration.
You got a bottle of poison.
Good God.
I almost imagined like instead of a consolation prize, like this is what Slurms McKenzie throws up.
And it's like, oh, but it's like.
Looks like your snail was already doing drugs. You were just looking to unload him.
Yes.
There you go. Now, as you three step back outside into the area, you can see the bubble going crazy.
But everything now that you've won this ride, once again, you can see the kids seem happier.
The smiles on the crowd get larger.
The centaur you were previously talking to is full on smiling now.
And you can see that the mist gets thicker.
The pixies are even brighter.
Everyone is happier once again at the carnival as if everything is the vibes have gotten even higher.
Now, do I do I know this trick from being there for like eight years myself?
Roll me a wisdom check.
Oh, well, that's not going to do me any good.
Yeah, that's an eight.
That's an eight.
You're not sure. You're really not sure.
All right.
Now, one last time, I would guide all of you guys to the map.
Exactly what you would like to go and do next.
But as you're walking around, there is a clown.
You guys leave this area before you proceed to the next area.
There is a clown approaches you guys.
And he looks a little something like this.
A clown.
He's blowing bubbles out of his pipe. He's wearing green and purple striped clothes.
And he sees the three of you and he blows out some bubbles out of his pipe and he's like,
Yeah.
I don't fucking talk to clowns. You talk to him.
Well, hi there.
Hello.
You are right there. You seem a bit loopy.
Doing just fine. It's been a few years since we have crowned a Witchlight Monarch.
It seems that one of you are on their way to doing such thing.
You see, the carnival must reach a certain level of hype before we can do the crowning.
If it doesn't reach that level, then the crowning won't happen.
But it looks that you three are on your way to making the carnival crowning happen.
Oh, that's just lovely.
Good.
Is there like a special prize that we get for this carnival crowning if we make it happen?
You do the crown and then of course you get an audience with Mr. Witch and Mr. Light.
You have a dinner and then you are crowned royalty in all of the Feywild for becoming the Witchlight Monarch.
Oh, you know.
I have tried to see to power with just a little bit of oof.
Yes. This was helpful information. Thank you, John Wingacy.
You're welcome. My name is Thacko.
I hope that I have been helpful on this day.
You have been. Thank you.
Good. If you need jokes, hip hops, what have you, I will be around.
See you later, Thacko.
Stop.
He ganders off.
You three are walking through the carnival, deciding where to go next after this.
And you hear, well, you see the lights dim.
Pixies settle.
And a hush falls over the whole crowd.
A second later, a spotlight illuminates the big top extravaganza.
The area where the big circus tent was, you were previously, and lights.
And you hear a voice, an elven happy voice coming throughout all of the air.
It says, gather round, gather round.
Now is the time for us to celebrate the big top extravaganza.
Performers and those who wish to watch those who perform, please gather in the big top.
For now, we will perform as a celebration of our first day here in Intoxica.
Join.
And the voice settles.
And the spotlights continue and all the fairies go back to their business.
The pixies reflutter around.
And you can see Thacko, or John Wayne Gacy, skipping off to the big top.
Well, I think we should go to the big top now.
I mean, everybody's like... That sounds like a good idea, but like he must be a new entry to the carnival, cause he gives me the willies.
He's kind of creepy, just a little bit, but he's got like, you know, I don't know, like, you know, free-loving attitude about him.
I could chill. I could chill with him.
Just be sure you don't get buried in his crawlspace, my goodness.
No, probably not. We like, you know, smoke his pipe, chill, maybe sing some like cool music.
It seems like he could hit high notes that I could not.
True. True.
As you three are walking, before you decide exactly where you want to go, you see...
...the stall.
And this stall is dusty and old. There's no lights on it, like everywhere else.
There's no streamers. The ones that are there are falling down and kind of whispering in the wind.
As you three walk by, you look at it and you see there's a sign.
It says, come one, come all, to see the strong woman.
And there's a crudely drawn picture of Violet on a small little sign.
And it says, she could lift you up in the air. You can guess your weight.
Not even care.
You see that there's a small little platform with a bunch of weights all over it.
And there's just plastered pictures of Violet's face.
And they're all dusty, old, and kind of...
Your twin sister! We found her!
No, no, that, that, Hopps! Honey, honey, that's me.
I used to work here.
That, that, that's me.
Well, your clothing choice was definitely more interesting back then than it is now.
Well, yeah, I wasn't a paladin.
She didn't wear any clothing!
I wasn't a paladin yet.
I don't know, this clothing seems more appealing to me in some way.
Can't quite put my finger on it, but...
Maybe it's because my teeth are out.
I got, I got legs showing in my teeth's around.
I don't know what to tell you.
I imagine that's what you're looking at.
Maybe.
I'm trying not to look!
That might be what it is, yes.
No, yes, I think it's now that I can entirely picture you naked now.
This is why.
Hmm.
Is there any sexy carnival goers, like, around our area?
Depends on what you mean by sexy.
Well, you know, like, maybe there's like a drunk, maybe not drunk, but you know, like a no-lady's...
John Rennan's gay, he turns around.
Hahaha, did you say sexy?
There's no, like, hot moms in the area that are, like, having their kids there, and, you know, they're walking around, maybe looking for them.
I think yes, but I think not here.
Not yet.
But I think yes.
Oh.
So you're telling me I have to go with the blue balls because looking at this picture has, like, aroused me?
This is crazy.
I mean, I'm still wearing clothes.
It's essentially I'm just wearing, like, stuff to cover my bits.
I got, like, a small body suit on.
That's what you failed to mention is that these are skin tight, and I can perfectly see both of your nipples.
You don't understand why one's so much bigger than the other!
Well, I didn't get them pierced at the same time, so I went, like, a couple years with just one pierced, and then I finally got the other one, and then that one perked up, too.
Now, some of my one thing sound way lower than the other two!
That's not a titty, uh, Hypes.
That's the meat flaps.
And that thing that's hanging down, that's my tail.
You know that's my tail.
You see it, like, every day.
Oh, you!
But you don't ever see the shell lift?
You hear to your left.
The whole area is kind of quiet, because everyone's gone to the big top, and the lights have kind of dimmed.
But you hear to the left the sound of a cane, and the pitter patter of small feet and claws, and you look to see Nicky Midnight, who's approached.
And Nicky, of course, the raccoon.
For those of you who have not seen Nicky Midnight, who's with me.
Like...
And Nicky's like, well, it seems that you found your tribute.
Yeah, doesn't matter what realm we go to, we always keep this up, because you know how much you've done for the carnival.
You know.
Of course, Mr. Witch and Mr. Light never decided that, you know, they didn't think that you were good enough, you know.
And that's a shame on them, because all of us carnies, we know how much you did, Violet.
So we make sure to set this up just for you every time.
We've kept those old boasters.
I do miss it sometimes, but you know, learning the reason I ended up here wasn't as, you know, as nice as I thought, you know.
That's made me want to strike out on my own.
That's very true.
But us carnies always treat each other as family.
Doesn't matter where you come from, how you got here.
We just know that you're here now, so we treat each other as family.
And you will always be a part of our family, Violet.
Thank you, Nicky.
You're very welcome. You're very welcome.
Are you going to the Big Top show?
Yeah. Well, I'm hoping that this year, the Big Top might be good enough.
We might get some random performers that actually raise the happiness of the carnival high enough,
so we can actually, you know, manage to crown a Witchlight King, if you will.
We haven't had that ceremony in a while, and it'd be good to have so.
Yeah, I can't recall ever seeing one. Thanks for sure.
Right. Well, hopefully we can get there.
How do you guys perform us?
Well, of course, besides you, Violet.
I can always whip out a couple of things, I think.
Yeah. Well, I can consider myself a performer, but more just like a performer for love.
I don't necessarily, you know, play without getting the benefit of, you know, the body afterwards.
But, you know, it seems that I can, you know, sway people a certain way with my music.
They do say that the Witchlight Monarch does get tail.
So, hey, if you perform the best, when you manage to become the Witchlight Carnival, then,
or the Witchlight Monarch, then maybe you will get yourself some tail there, Reiner.
But. Well, this is good because I've just been diagnosed with the blue balls, so I can take care of that.
You've been diagnosed.
Yes, it was a self diagnosis that I make, but, you know, all the same, mine balls are blue.
Well, before we go inside, well, before I do anyway, speaking of blue balls, over here, you see,
there's like some weights scattered about, and he tries to pick up one of the weights,
and he's just a tiny little raccoon, and he like drags it over, and he's like,
I know this was your favorite, and I would love one time if you were to just lift this for me.
Stand. Give us a speech.
Afterwards, we'll let Connor do a speech about blue balls.
But he drags it over to you, and he's like, one more time, just lift it for me.
I would love to see it. It's been a while.
I mean, of course.
You reach down. It's not.
You pick it up. Will you make me a strength check?
It's been a while. I want you to just do me a strength check.
Strength. Press the strength button.
And then that one, and then do normal.
The Natural 20.
The first Natural 20 in the campaign chat.
Chat, can we get some hype in chat right now? Come on, chat.
Come on. Cheers to you. Cheers to you.
Cheers.
The first Natural 20. Stand up, take a bow.
The first one in the campaign, everybody.
That's right. Cheers to you.
Oh, yeah.
And on such a pivotal moment.
I know.
Beautiful. And I know a lot of groups, just so you guys know, don't do like cool ass shit on Nat 20s on skill checks.
That's kind of in the rules. But around here we do. We very much so do.
You pick up this thing with ease and hold it above your head. And these two, Hops and Ryna, you look up at this weight and you can see that the weight on it says 500 pounds.
And it looks like Violet's holding it up over her head with one single hand.
And you look down and you see Nicky Midnight looking up at you and complete awe like their jaw drops.
And they're like, I forgot how strong you were.
You're a big lady. You know, someone like you could just just Troy my whole life.
How big are your hands? Can I see?
Hold up their hands and they like not as big in your hand.
And it's just like tiny like you could put your hand over their head and like crush their skull in one palm.
But they just put their head in. But you know, it's nothing compared to my thighs.
That's the most powerful part.
I just made it like is the raccoon immediately grabs her hand and just.
No, but they look down at your thighs and they're like, wow, you know, you can crush my head like that, like with a watermelon.
You ever crushed a watermelon between your thighs?
You know, that was one of my favorite Saturday night acts. That was always my favorite.
My good free snacks afterwards.
Yeah, what I would pay to see that again.
Anyways, I'm going to I'm going to get out of here if you need anything.
Let me know. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
One second. What brings you three here in the first place anyway?
Why are you here for? Well, I don't know.
I just felt like we were drawn here and felt felt weird, like we were being called.
And also because, you know, this old guy told us to come and like look for someone or something.
I don't know, but I feel like we need to be here for some reason.
And you know, I went out to reconcile things with my family, but I went back to Intoxica and I found I didn't know how to get back home.
So I tried to find you guys for like the last eight years trying to maybe get directions back to where I where I belong.
And kind of hooked up with these two, two, two.
Not hooked up, not hooked up, we're just friends. Just friends.
OK, yeah.
Well, I if you're looking to get back to, of course, Prismir, the Feywild, you know, I've tried to get back there a couple of few times,
but it seems that Mr. Witch and Mr. Light have that secret locked up tight.
The only way you're going to be able to figure out how to do that is if you can find a way to get an audience with them.
Like if you manage to become the Witchlight monarch and maybe you can get an audience with them and figure out your way into Prismir.
But that's the only way home.
There was anybody that could be a monarch, it could be you, Violet.
Well, thank you kindly, Puddin' Pals.
I looked the wrong way.
That's fine. I didn't know where you were looking, but I understood.
Like I look away from people when I talk to them, too.
Anyways, I was just wondering.
I'm going to go over there to the Big Top and I guess I'll see you guys over there.
We'll see you in a few.
He steps on her.
I hate to have you go, but I'd love to see you walk away.
And his tail. Like their tail. Flips around.
Those eyes are dreams. That's right.
Yeah, well, Gala has first-hand experience. Gala's got her and her head squished between my thighs before.
True story.
There's a picture.
Gala, post that in the Discord under the couch chat.
Go show everybody.
That's happened.
Show everybody what they're missing.
Show them what they're missing, baby.
So you guys are left now here in front of her area.
You can go to the Big Top, or there are a few more stalls you can go to instead.
Whatever you like to go and do next is kind of how we're going to finish off this.
Well, if we go to another stall, do we miss what happens under the Big Top?
Of course not. It'll just happen afterwards.
I want to kind of go to the Hall of Illusions.
I was like, is the Big Top accepted that we could start it the next time?
Sure, for sure, for sure.
To the Hall of Illusions!
To the Hall of Illusions we go.
Oh, we didn't get the speech on the blue balls.
Oh, the blue ball speech on air.
Oh, yes, you were promised that.
OK, hold on.
Is this high enough?
This is like, that's good.
Or do you want like more options there?
That's good.
Just smoke a little bit more, then you'll be high enough.
OK, well, you guys know that like the blue balls refers to the pain or heaviness caused by delayed orgasm.
Most males don't regularly experience it and it's not generally serious.
But for me and my balls, it's very serious.
I could get like, you know, the tummy ache or, you know, the like thigh cramp or the groin cramp because.
But, you know, it's very, very, you know, strenuous for me.
So the best way to kill the blue balls is to immediately orgasm as quick as possible.
So this is what I'm trying to do by finding the sexy, like mommy lady or something like that.
You got high ends.
Yeah, well, I have the hands, but I can't very well like just like, you know, do that at a carnival,
especially with like, you know, the John Wayne Gacy walking around.
It's kind of weird.
So I have to wait until I can find a sexy lady to go into like, you know, the back of the stall with.
Or perhaps, perhaps a very sexy man, but he has to be a very sexy man.
All right, sit your ass down.
We'll take it.
I came.
All right, it takes you guys about 30 minutes or so to get the other side of the carnival on your way to the Hall of Illusions,
which you want to go to before you attend the big top extravaganza.
As you approach, you can see a wooden mannequin of a grinning,
raven haired young woman in witches attire and green flowing cape hovers inside of a glass cabinet.
At the top of the cabinet, a sign reads Tasha, the wizard known for her hideous laughter.
You can see in front there a halfling couple holds hands as they approach the glass cabinet about the same time as you.
One of the halflings is wearing a butterfly face paint and he drops down to one knee,
pulls a small box from his pocket and his sweetheart bursts into laughter and begins rolling on the ground.
The halfling in face paint begins sobbing and then darts into a nearby tent without even getting his ticket punched.
Wow, and brutal.
As you three approach, each one of you roll me a history check, if you will.
Where is that?
I have a 13.
And a minus one in history.
I have a 14.
I got a 16.
Violet Phimps.
Looking at the statue, you recall this statue was made of Tasha.
It was one of the names repeatedly used by the Witch Queen, a legendary archmaid, and they made this statue.
You remember this statue from your time here as being a statue that casts Tasha's hideous laughter spell at anyone that comes within a few feet of it.
Whether the saving throw succeeds or fails, the creature is always put under the effect of Tasha's hideous laughter.
So, the female halfling stands there laughing and the male has run away.
Next to it, of course, is the large tent, which leads into the Hall of Illusions if you decide to ignore.
So, wait, what does the statue do? It makes people laugh.
Yeah, it puts anybody under it. Is there a reason it puts people under a laugh? Like, do we know?
Because it's funny.
Yeah, it's a statue that has like a glyph on it, basically. So, anytime anyone comes near it, they get the spell cast on them.
So, why didn't the halfling man get the spell cast on him?
You can only assume maybe he wasn't close enough.
Can I just like hip check the halfling girl just like a few feet out of the way? That way she stops laughing and maybe comes to her senses?
Sure, you can. Roll me strength, though, because I want to see how hard a 6'10 T-fling hip checks a halfling.
Hip checks, in your sense, in the face of this halfling.
No, it would be in the back. It would be in the back.
I don't know if that's any better.
A 17 plus 2, that's a 19. You fucking bunter over. She scatters through the dirt and stands up. She's laughing like,
What just happened? What's going on?
You better go find your partner there, honey.
And then I bust out into song.
Yeah, you just laughed at his proposal. You about ruined your own relationship. You better go find him.
Oh no, Ruben!
What are you saying, Rainer?
Oh, I was going to say, uh,
You dumped that guy and I bet I felt it. I tried to reach you, but you're so hot that I melted. I fell right through the cracks.
Now I'm trying to get back.
Out of the alleyway. Keep going. Wait, no, keep going. Out of the alleyway.
Keep going.
Keep going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep going.
Get back.
Guess another reason that it isn't the reason.
Another reason.
There you go. Out of the alleyway, the gnome steps out, still holding the ring, crying.
And the female says, Ruben!
Ruben, of course I'll marry you, Ruben!
And the female halfling gets down on her knees and grabs the ring.
And then he stands up and hugs her, and she hugs him, and he puts the ring on her finger and they start kissing.
And then you can feel the happiness of the carnival once again grows another level as they both hold hands and skip away.
Open up your mind and think like me.
Open up your plans and damn you're free.
Open up your heart and you'll find the sky is your board.
Oh, did they leave? I didn't know they left. Okay.
They hold hands and they skip away.
And you could feel the happiness grows again, the pixies, the brightness, everything just the air grows a little bit more heavy.
People around you smile a little bit more.
But now in front of you, the Hall of Illusions, this large tent is painted with a mural of shifting images that show grinning fairies divided into pools of color.
The helical stripes of the tents pointed canopies rotate in spirals, and the whole display seems to befuddle all of the onlookers.
A clown dressed in muted garb stands at the tent's entrance, just blinking at you, and he mimes.
Can I can I hold out my ticket to him?
He takes your ticket and he stamps it.
But he's like.
You don't have a voice. Would you like me to talk for you?
I don't have a voice.
So be chill with me. Give me your ticket.
No, no, he's going to take your voice when you enter the hall.
Oh, I'm going to take no, no, no.
You should be quiet when going into the to the OK.
No one word.
Chicken chicken.
Oh, if you are scared, you will lose your voice.
No, like he mimes like a beak and like feathers and he walks around like a like a bird.
OK.
A kenko took your voice.
Oh, didn't we see like the kenko walking around me?
There was a Kenki. We did.
This is happening tonight. This happened to you tonight.
Why haven't you told any? Well, you can't tell anybody.
You need to get.
Many many holds out his hand for your guys' tickets like he just told you this information, like if you can help, please help me.
But I've you know, my voice has been taken.
Darlin, let's see what we can do. Is there anybody we can contact within is like Mr.
Which or light or he signs to John Wayne? Why are you miming? I can hear just fine.
Because I mean, because I need you to make those symbols back to me so I know which one you're talking about.
Like.
Can I can I like look around for like maybe like a book or something or like a scrap of paper?
Oh, for him to write on. Sure. Roll me a perception roll.
Don't believe a 300 pound man eating a chicken in the sideshow.
This is a 18.
This is 18. Sure. There's a book on a stand right next to him and he you point at it and he grabs it and he hands it to you.
And then you hand it back to him and he writes down on the book.
He's like a random king who stole my voice. I haven't been able to speak. If you find this king who please get my voice back and return it back to me.
Fairy magic. Am I right? Question mark.
You are right.
In the air.
This fairy magic just couldn't be like the bad thing sometimes. I'm sorry.
He looks like this.
That's why you never tell anybody when they say can I have your can I have your name? You never you never answer with your real name.
Because then they owe your name.
Cool. So.
He tells you guys his information. He stamps each one of your tickets and now you are free to enter the Hall of Illusions or try to find this Kenku.
But it's totally up to you guys.
I'd like to go in.
Right. Yeah, we could do this later for this guy. He's not like dying or anything.
Oh.
Not missing.
Oh, on the paper he writes that he knows more information dealing with the mermaid.
It's actually involved with Silver Song Lake and if you return to him, he'll be able to, you know, kind of guide you through that.
And he can actually cast a lot of prestidigitation to make your experience more fun.
But now you guys enter the Hall of Illusions.
What does prestidigitation mean?
Prestidigitation.
As you step inside, tall mirrors line the interior walls of the tent.
The mirrors near the entrance reflect all the onlookers on the outside, but their images grow steadily older until the mirrors on the inside within the reflect onlookers in their twilight years.
As you guys scrutinize your own reflections looking in the mirrors.
I would like each one of you to describe to me maybe what you guys look like as children.
Maybe what you might look like as old age.
Starting clockwise with Reiner.
I see a very sexy man, a fairy man, that has like a cool streak of like gray through his hair.
And he's still very like muscular. Yeah, like he's he's he's all oiled up and he's sexy, does not wear shirts anymore.
And he is playing this awesome like flame guitar that is like Scott bunch of notes on it.
And there is like, you know, every kind of like lady from, you know, different races like gnomes, goblins, you know, the tieflings, they all like grabbing at his feet, you know, as he stands.
Oh, actually, there's also there's also like, you know, this, you know, the one sexy elf man in there somewhere to, you know, and he is standing there proudly with his guitar.
And he looks epic.
Here you go.
OK, Violet.
Now, did you say we're young or old?
And?
Young and old.
But when I look in, I mean, I see I see my younger self and I have I'm real small, I'm real small and I'm real scrawny and I got all burned hair like I got a night.
I have still have red hair, but it's much more natural looking.
It's it's me before the fairy magic touched my hair, but it's wild and crazy.
And I'm holding like a book and I seem real frail and nerdy like.
That's that's what I'm going with.
I love that.
Pops.
Oops.
I don't feel good, guys.
So it's so.
Mm hmm.
Tiny little bunny.
Yeah.
And now he's like having an odd body experience and he's just imagine being a toy body to super young and she's like.
I love that.
I'm gonna give you a couch going for the proper love that.
OK.
As you guys see each other and yourselves in different lights throughout the whole Hall of Illusions, you walk through it and it takes you a little while to get through it being that there's mirrors everywhere and you are seeing different versions of yourself young and old and all
the kinds of stuff like that.
But as you're walking through.
Violet you do indeed see yourself with a book.
You're reading.
You're writing.
And the vision kind of wisps as you're looking at it.
I would like you to make just an intelligence check for me looking at this thing.
I know it's not that's not going to go well.
That's a six.
All right, it wisps away.
And Reiner as you're walking through the Hall of Illusions you also see images of yourself young and old.
You see yourself young walking to the Feywild with your bard friend of course, and she's teaching you songs and you're learning together.
You're sitting on top of mushroom toadstools singing songs to one another is fairy pixies float around.
But I would like you to make me an intelligence role as well.
Can I say something as this is happening to the mirror.
Sure. Well, as I as I see Selena.
I want to like whisper under my breath.
Something in the language from my hometown.
Going to like barely say so lunch is I guess it has to I mean six plots.
That real German it means it means as long as I have a face you have a seat.
Yeah, that was real German.
You got a two with a minus one.
That's a dirty one on your intelligence check.
So as soon as you say that it whips away.
As if there was no reaction.
You three continue for a little while through the Hall of Illusions eventually making it to the end or at the end.
Oh, you got a reroll from edgy.
Oh, I can move the placement of it.
The 17.
Oh, on a 17 set up it was speaking away.
You say that and it's almost as if the image of you and her.
It's almost as if she turns and looks at you.
And the mirror kind of turns to like liquid for a second.
And then it solidifies.
And then she goes back to singing to you.
This is for it.
Can I can I touch the mirror?
You do.
And it's a solid mirror.
Yeah.
Now you three eventually make it to the end of the Hall of Illusions.
At the end, the person who greeted you at the front is there miming away congratulating you guys on your succession of making it to the Hall of Illusions.
And of course, he hopes that anything you seen on the inside helps you in your adventures.
And he does this kind of through miming and it takes a little while because he doesn't have a voice.
But eventually he leads you back on your way on the inside of the carnival.
And then you three head to the big top.
And then you go back to the inside of the Hall of Illusions again, and you're there.
And that is the end of the Hall of Illusion extravaganza and that, my friends, is where we're going to end the episode for the night.
I like it.
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Thank you so much for being here and being awesome. We really do appreciate you guys
Thank you all so much for watching the show and supporting us for episode one of Wildy on the Witch Line. You know you guys rock? We really do. Thank you so much. This has been fucking blast.
I had the jitters going into the show tonight like legit. I was like what's gonna happen? I don't know. I was just so scared and happy and excited and it was crazy. Thank you all for joining us. You guys rock.