Okay, welcome to the podcast. I'm Manon and I'm here with
the honey
Melanie Andrea and yes
Okay
Am I the jerk for reporting my friend's sexual relationship with the TA at university?
with
Have a friend who I have a class with this semester, she's a really kind and beautiful person
I always thought she was the type to have a great moral compass
Anyway, we have the same TA that teaches a separate section for our main class
right off the bat a
Ton of people thought she was super cute and began to flirt with him during class
My friend let's call her Anna seemed especially uninterested and even made fun of the girls who were literally throwing themselves at him
The semester went on and even though Anna never was interested
It seemed like the TA himself was growing more and more fond of her
Anna was doing extremely well in the class and she stood out as one of the smartest students
So he regularly praised her for her work and even wrote cute little compliments on her essay
I noticed that he would also try to talk to her a lot before and during class
Since Anna is really nice. She engaged him and they seem to hit it off
Soon Anna had nothing but good things to say about him. She was always going on about how nice and funny he is
It was pretty obvious. She was starting to develop a crush
We joked a couple times about her sleeping with him and she always said she'd never end that they were just flirty
About two months later, we were walking back from a party with a small group of girls and she was pretty drunk
One girl noticed that she kept messaging someone and asked her who it was and Anna blurted out that the name
of our TA
Shocked I asked her why she was messaging him and she just giggled and said that he wanted her to come over to her
Department, but she didn't want to but she didn't want to because she was so drunk
The other girls not really realizing who it was thought it was so funny and continued teasing her asking if he was cute
Another girl asked if she'd slept with him yet and Anna said yeah a couple of times. I was just completely taken aback by that
That was last weekend
I texted her about it the day after and she admitted that it was true and it started happening
Last month, she said it was nothing serious and they're just having fun. I didn't really respond
Well, I sat on it for a couple of days and talked with a few of my close friends about it
Most of them told me to report the incident to the professor or department chair
Because it's a serious violation and that she won't get in any trouble only the TA will
I sent an email to my professor about it last night leaving out Anna's name and only saying who the TA was
He responded this morning and said that it was indeed an incredibly serious violation and that he would like to have a meeting with me
In the department chair sometime this week
It all got really serious all of a sudden and I don't know why but I feel like I messed up really badly
I don't know what I was expecting, but this just made me feel like a jerk for some reason
Edith should probably add that we're second years and the TA is a first year grad student. So probably 22 to 24
So what do you guys thought? Not the asshole. No, no
I don't know. It's would even be on the page to be honest. This is like an obviously like not the asshole. She did the right thing
A teacher sleeping with their student
There's obviously a power imbalance
Yeah, it's not like she's a teacher. She's a teacher. She's a teacher
Like there's obviously a power imbalance. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's not really ethical for like a TA to be sleeping with like
You know like um, I think you mentioned that there were like second year students, right? Yeah
Yeah, and like she's obviously way younger too
So of course she's gonna be more naive about like how he's gonna approach that relationship like becky said like, you know
this huge like power like
In balance, that's not good. Plus he's gonna be grading her papers through like what?
It even says they have like seminars and videos saying that they shouldn't do that so
So he definitely knew he shouldn't be doing that
Someone oh my god, okay someone said this person is
And they said
He shouldn't have done it. Yeah, but it doesn't seem like this is the main issue why you reported it
I don't know, but that's how it sounds. Are you serious when your computer
Because she's mad that she wasn't
The one getting
Risky with it. Really? Yeah, i'm reading in the comments too
I'm like some of them are like trying to justify the situation and like make the poster
As like, you know the villain in this situation
I think she's acting like reasonably that someone older is taking advantage of her friend
Yeah
She even went to like other people
to ask them
Like what she should do
She didn't just like
I'm sorry continue
No, I was just gonna say like
She didn't just like come out and like tell the professor
She actually she got like advice as well. So exactly
Someone said everyone is
Because the teacher shouldn't have done it the friend shouldn't have done it and the person shouldn't have reported it
It says
You're you say you're your friend, but you didn't give her the option to go to anyone herself
You all think she was gonna go to somebody
I think she would have gone to somebody
Had he done her dirty like I think her friend like, you know had the choice to get in a relationship with him
Um, like we actually we still have to consider that this girl is still very young
She's not going to know any better
I wouldn't blame the friend at all in this situation. The only person who wasn't involved in this situation is
Because I know better
Yes
I definitely don't think that
the person the poster is
In the wrong for even reporting it because they didn't say their friend's name
exactly
So how is the friend putting in any harm's way for this motion of action?
Yeah
That's crazy
Okay, you guys ready for the next one
Yeah, and a link are we taking turns reading or
Um, if you guys want to read you can am I the asshole community?
Yeah, yes, oh wait you guys can hear me yes, yeah, okay, okay
First step son money not the evil
Nor do I feel like people who write these things are narcissists
I'm not a narcissist. Probably some of them are some of them definitely
Can I read yeah, you can read all right
Am I the jerk for not giving my son's step son money for university when I have for all my other grandkids
I have three kids my husband and I work so hard to raise them and get them to be productive adults and they are
I'm proud of all three. They were great kids and they've become pretty good adults if I do say so myself
When my oldest daughter remarried
Remarried, I'm sorry a widower who already had a two-year-old child
My husband and I put money into an education fund
We did the same for every biological grandchild
We know a little bit about investing in compound interest by
Starting early we can invert invest a little bit each month and by the time they graduate high school
We were able to provide each one with enough money to for a good start in life
My oldest grandchild just graduated from high school
We were able to let them know that after scholarships and everything were taken into account. They would be
graduating debt-free
We don't give them the money
We don't give them any money. We pay for tuition and fees and such
We learned our lesson from our youngest our only son. We give him the money
Like we had for his two older sisters
We had scholarships as well
But he knew through the money
He we gave him and chose to become a trans
Trat
Trans person instead trade person
I don't even know what i'm reading right now. I kind of just zone out and like read the words I see
He does very well and now owns his own successful business
He was married
But it didn't work out. We had to pay for the school
It didn't work out. We have two grandkids from that marriage
Last year, he married a very nice woman who has a 15 year old son
She had him very young and it caused a rift in their family. None of them became even came to the wedding
Um, my son approached us about money for his stepson's education after my husband and I discussed it
We said that we could afford to give him five thousand dollars to help but that was it
My son is very disappointed
He knows that all my other grandkids have enough money in their accounts to pay for at least two and a half years
of in-state tuition and expenses
He makes good money, but he also likes to spend it on toys and vacations
I don't think that him or my daughter-in-law have anything put away for his stepson. That is why we offered the five thousand dollars
My son and his wife are planning ahead for when he graduates in june
And they are still complaining that i'm treating him different from our other grandkids
I know that we are but we didn't have almost two decades to save for him
That's five thousand came out of my fund for when I need to replace my car
Edit my son and daughter-in-law are not spending their money on toys and vacations
I may have put that badly
The reason that my son doesn't have a lot of savings to pay for his stepson is because he's not going to be able to afford it
The reason that my son doesn't have a lot of savings to pay for his son's education is because of how he chose to spend his money
Prior to getting married. I hope that is clear now
edit two
I have talked to my husband and son
My son wants me to take money from all the accounts and make one for his stepson
what
We counter offer to split the two accounts we have for his biological children into three and split the five thousand into them
And we will continue to contribute the accounts until they get used. He seems unhappy with that option
What is he doing his entitlement from?
No, thank you
Yeah, this is my take on it like of course like I
I go to school on scholarship. My parents didn't even save anything for me
Like I have to work my way up like educate like get my education
For me is like I think it's like it's a privilege in general just to even receive money for college
so like
I think their son is very entitled like unaware that you know, it is a privilege that you know
His parents were able to even like save money for his other children and like his other kids and nephews
They like was they didn't have enough time to save that amount of money for their stepson that
You know, they just married
Yeah, yeah, like they had like a decade they gladly like
How are you asking
For a child that you yourself don't have funds for
Exactly
You're their parent not your grandparents. I was like, I thought they were even happy with like five grand. I'm like
It's like, you know five grand would so benefit his step kid a lot even in in-state tuition
I would just take that money and you know, at least try to find
Other ways to help fund these this kid's college education and plus you might do the realistic thing that almost everyone else does
Which is get a load
exactly
Most parents wouldn't even do that
Honestly, yeah, my mom was down. I know that for sure. That's crazy
I'm even lucky. I even got her scholarship. If not, I was not being called
Exactly exactly
Ridiculous
Wouldn't it
Oh, can I read this one? Sure
Sure
Okay
Am I the jerk for telling my boyfriend he can't go to university? I
19 female i'm currently in college studying an access course to go to uni next year. My boyfriend a 24 male
Works in a warehouse
He has a child and I have a child both from previous relationships and we're in an okay place financially
He's been to uni twice for different courses and dropped out because he got bored of them
Since I started taking since I've started the process of going to uni
He's been constantly talking about him doing uni too
But because he's done two courses we would have to pay out of pocket for his uni his uni, which would cost about
9 000 pounds a year
Yeah, he also has told me that he doesn't know what he would want
To do for definite. I told him that if he wants to go back to university then I need a guarantee that it's something
That he wants to do but also that he needs to wait until after I finish university
Because I think it's not possible financially and with two children. It would be tough on both of us
He thinks I'm making it unfair and he should be able to go back to uni
So am I the jerk for not wanting him to go to uni until we have more spare income after i've got a job
And he's sure on what he wants to do
Tld my boyfriend wants to go to uni, but he dropped out twice already
He doesn't know what he wants to do and I want him to wait until i'm finished with uni and I have a better job
He most definitely not
He's being so unrealistic
Yeah
You're like let's do it
You're like
Yeah
So for him like during this from like, you know i'm thinking like for example, like my brother like had like
Isn't basically in like a similar spot, you know, he has a kid
And like, you know, he still has desire to like go to school
But even he knows realistically that he cannot go back to like college
And so he has a more stable income and more like flexible time to even do school because he already knew
From his past experiences
That if he dropped out and like, you know, he still had to pay out of pocket, you know, it's a very expensive decision to even go back
Like just to want to go in just because your girlfriend's in and you don't even have an idea for your future
You're just gambling your life away
And it's not worth risking
I actually want to mention like, you know, like 9 000 something pounds like i'm not here about and that's
Just for him. That's crazy
Seven thousand dollars
In us dollars because what how much is it in us dollars?
Eleven thousand. Oh my god. Yeah
Because what happens he pays the tuition right and then he drops out again
Mm-hmm
Like he should probably just look for like, you know
a cheaper way to go to school like i'm not sure if like colleges over there and like the
The op's country like has like something similar to college or something or like even like online classes like something that's doable for him
Or he doesn't have to pay that
But even then like
We don't really know like the type of person this guy is but like just to lose posi-lan I just
See that he's just very impulsive with his decision making
Very much. Oh my god
Oh
I saw this one. I don't know if you guys want to read that one or not. I can read this one. All right
Okay
Am I the uh a hole for indirectly telling my friend that no one will ever love her
Um
I 23 well have been with my
Uh, i'm 27 boyfriend
For two years and he recently proposed I then had a weekend brunch with my friends
They all wanted to know about it and started asking about my wedding plans. A lot of them are married
So they were giving advice on a few things. It was all going well until my friend alicia
F33
Noticed my necklace and asked me about it
My fiance also gave me a necklace with my future initials on it when he proposed my first name and his last name
He started discussing in the past and I loved the idea of sharing his last name
The woman I told it was a gift from him. Alicia started berating my fiance for upholding
Outdated cultural beliefs and that he must be really controlling and possessive
Acclaimed that I wanted to take his last name after marriage and she still continued
She told him that this necklace is like a dog collar and he's trying to claim that i'm misrapelling
I should feel insulted for such a misogynistic present at this one
I lost him so well, you should be glad because no one ever claimed you in such a patriarchal
Fashion she started crying and left my friends agreed to me that she's being extremely insulting
But few of them said I should still apologize because alicia the source what?
Marriage is a sore spot for alicia as she's held as a group and unmarried nowhere ever shamed her father
But she has cried out a few friends weddings
So I might have asked for for interrupting saying that nobody will marry her. He has English
Okay, um
I don't know why the friend felt the need to say all that
About her taking his last name
But I feel like there was a better way to say it. I still feel like both of them are slightly in the wrong
Like yeah, I've never said something like that. She should have said hey just back off leave me alone
Instead of saying no one will ever love you
And like her friend also like overreacted
Like, you know some people do so
Um take their husband's last name. Some people don't
You know, it really should not be a big deal as it is
Yeah, I mean
What saying that she's fine with it, but she kept like
Mm-hmm
You know like her friend was going
too far
But like her she also couldn't have said that I think they're both for very immature in this situation
Yeah, I feel like
From what I'm reading it seems like there's a lot of things that are unsaid maybe in this
Yeah, I'm feeling these
I don't know the way she's writing about lisa just kind of like seems like they just don't like her
Yeah
I think they're in the friend group
Which when you're in your 30s or preaching your 30s, then why are you still doing this?
Yeah
It's like we're people who are 20s. Yeah, we still know better like
If the friend group mutually agrees that this person is toxic that you know
You just move on with your life
But these people just seem like they're keeping alicia around for company despite them not enjoying her presence
exactly
Strange
Yeah, what she said
I just want to do one
We do what one more
One more story
Yeah
Jasmine do you want to read it?
Okay, I was just waiting when the time was for me to read it
Uh, you only read this one that you recently sent? Yeah. Oh the one that we oh, okay
Okay
Uh, yeah, let me just open up the link
Oh, this is a long one
It doesn't seem so long, okay
Am I the a-hole for not telling my friend the real university I applied to
I
17 female am a high school student in my senior year who attends on going to university in the united states
Background knowledge for people who aren't familiar with the u.s. Application system
Application deadline for the early round was november and decisions were released around mid december
If we apply early decision to a certain university, then we have attend if we are if we are accepted
Hence students can only apply to a single early decision school
Since the beginning of the school year in september every single student had been asking others about where they're applying to
Apparently the reason why people do this is to avoid applying to the same university as
The competitive applicants who are at the top of their class since people think there is
A high school quota
My school gives an award to the students who are the top of their class at the end at the end of their class
Or the top of their class at the end at the end of each year and I am one of them
Several months earlier I had decided on applying early decision to school b
And this is what I told people including friend a whenever they asked me
However, I suddenly changed my mind and decided to apply to school c
A week before the application deadline and didn't tell anyone because I didn't think I would get in
Here is where the conflict arises friend a also applied to school c
For the past few months. He kept asking me which university I will
Be applying to because he did not want to apply to the same
One as me he thinks I had a stronger application because I had a higher standardized testin score and gpa
But he is really good, too
When the decisions were released I was surprised to find out that I got in
Unfortunately friend a did not get in
I didn't tell anyone in my school that I got in but my university counselor had posted about my acceptance to school
C on the social media platform friend a saw this and became furious
I apologized to him about not
Telling him that I made a last minute change and that it was wrong. It was wrong of me to not update him
However friend a is blaming me for his rejection
Slash deferral. He said that he would have gotten in if I didn't apply and that he would have
Not he would have not applied to the school c if he had known that I would apply to
Up to today. He is still incredibly mad and has been badmouthing me to all my classmates
Notes
Note schools b and c are both top 10 universities and I currently attend an international school
Am I the asshole?
Edit one. Sorry. I made a mistake about the existence of a school quota
Several commenters clarified that colleges don't set a limit on the number of students from each high school
They can accept edit two
I made the change because I realized I wanted to go to school c way more than school b
My counselor also spoke to me with the other ones at my high school and told me my profile was more suitable for school c as well
I didn't tell anyone I changed because it would have been a waste of time to update every single student who asked me about my
Early decision in school only to get rejected
I generally didn't think I would not I would get in not only because of the sheer complexity of admissions decisions
But also because my high school is rumored to have been blacklisted by several colleges
The last time someone got into this university was back in 2019
So in my
Personal opinion, I don't think they're the asshole. I think that um
I don't think it was because of the admissions that uh of their of her standardized testing
I think it's because the schools do pick out which is more suitable for their college and also who has the better standardized testing score
But it's but I don't think she's the I don't think she's the asshole for not telling her friends because some people will
Go after you for the school that they're that you know your friends like they'll sometimes go after you for the for colleges
And that actually happens sometimes that actually happens a lot of a lot of people a lot of friends
They would try to like sabotage their applications their friends applications so they would get into the school
So that actually happens quite commonly
So I don't I don't think she's the asshole in this particular situation
The friend is definitely the asshole because they're bad-mouthing and they're also mad at a personal decision that she made for
herself so
Right, yeah, like
This is her school is like something she has to live with for like a while
so
It's better for her to pick a college that she likes rather than stick with one that she didn't feel like she's suited
exactly
Yeah, and like in my opinion like coming from like a person who did like apply
During the cycle because this is around two years ago, so I would have been probably roughly around the same age as these kids
Like honestly, I think the friend is just being a jerk straight up and like you've done
I read in the comments. It seems like they're like friends, but they're not even like close friends like that
So he's basically bad-mouthing a girl that he's friendly with for no reason just because she was more successful
Them and got a spot that he thought that he deserved
In reality, someone like that does not deserve a spot in a top 10 school at all for their behavior like that
It's like you're seeing image turn childish
Not like they're seniors in high school
But you know the way he's acting is ridiculous and that's not a quality that most schools want in their students
And plus like if he didn't get in she got in they're both from the same school
It just shows that she was just a better applicant in the end. So why is he blaming her like basically?
like they're blaming them for
Just like for taking away their spot
But in reality, I think most schools don't even care about what high school even go to as long as you like prove yourself
And like your resume and your application that you're a fit like a fitting well-fitting student for their like school
Right, yeah
And he doesn't even seem to like
No, he's not like serious about the school because he said he he keeps saying he would have picked a different school
So I don't see why yeah, like why is it such a big deal?
We didn't really care about it originally
I think he kept saying care about it just like these months and that's because he thought he was gonna get in and you know
Like, you know, he didn't want to protect his ego
But once his ego was father when he was rejected and he saw that his classmate his friend actually got in
Despite him like thinking they weren't gonna get in at all. I think that just crushed his ego
So now he's like talking bad about
Okay, despite them not doing anything wrong
Yeah, yeah
But definitely the girl is not the asshole just that the guy is literally
The asshole for getting mad for something that basically wasn't her fault
in fact, he probably like have like a lower like he probably
uh
Thought that he did well
But he probably didn't meet the school requirements or some stuff because like, you know, you have to have the certain requirements of the school for the school
Even then standardized testing scores can only get you so far like other things like volunteering
Or like, you know internships things like that. Those things count too. In fact, often they play an even bigger role
In like your application
so like if he didn't do like the same things that you know, op did of course he wasn't gonna get because he
He focused more on like the academic side than other than you know, the other side
That you know schools care about which is like, yeah, right
like what if like, you know, they did good on like the schooling and stuff like that, but let's say like I know like
for example, like the bright futures, I know they required like
Um volunteer hours. What if the school required volunteer hours and he didn't have any?
Yeah, I think that's true as someone who had to do like volunteer hours or like bright future
Honestly, I think it was really just something that just benefited like my applications to multiple schools
Even if they were like out of state they saw me doing like more than 100 hours
They're like, oh this person like really cares about their community and things like that if he
Like for like other people I know who did not put the amount of effort
They were directed for like a lot of schools because they just focus on like academics
They just focus on like the academics. So, um, like in florida schools, I think they care about the academic part a lot more
And like my personal opinion when it came to the application cycle, I still think they still cared about other groups. You did like extracurricular
Yeah, that's also true
Also, I was looking through the comments and it seemed like they're just getting it seemed like they're
Thinking that she's in the wrong for not telling them. I'm like, no, she's not in the wrong. She's allowed to let
that she's not allowed to tell anyone like she's like he has her own like
Like she doesn't if she doesn't want to tell anyone that she doesn't want to tell anyone
But like isn't it a little weird that the school the university that you got up that you got accepted to
um
Aren't they not supposed to like say that oh you got in
Like on social media was her school like the school that she's currently attending
Yeah, I was like counselor. I imagine they
Like very like a lot of international schools are pretty prestigious
so I
It's it's it said her, you know, it said the university council that she was going to
Uh put it on their social media platform
Oh
oh
Yeah, so that's why i'm like isn't like aren't you not supposed to do that?
Because I don't think you're supposed to do that because it says here that I didn't tell anyone in my school that I got in
But my university counselor had posted about my acceptance to school c on his social media platform
Oh university counselor, so it's not the university. I think in this case this would be like, you know
They're you know, like guidance counselor here
Like they go to international school. So I imagine it's basically
Um their guidance counselor being proud of the girl and posting it on his social media, even though I still think that's odd
and I remember like they like, you know, I know like in
The high school that someone went through
But then you know, they still like did things like celebrate like kids that got like, you know
Really big schools like, you know stanford or like uf like they had like, you know the top sand ceremonies
But never they posted anything like that on social media that could breach potentially the students
Privacy like no essentially privacy like who knows like a dog can look they're like
Oh like this girl is going to some school like who knows what happened. That's like another issue. We didn't even
Like we glossed over it, too
I don't like
Okay
I can kind of see why they think that she'd be the asshole because she didn't tell her friend and she knew it was her friends like
quote unquote dream school or whatever
But I really obligated to tell anybody I think the fact that she told him like she left out with that
I don't think she is at all. I
Either what I see?
Like I can kind of see the argument. There's that's the only thing that you could really say for the opposite side is that
All her friend told her and she wouldn't have applied anyways
Yeah, but she's not even like
They're not even friends they like have the same classes and like talk to each other and pass
They're not even, no not at all
They're more like school friends like
I had like a good amount of friends that were just school friends, you know friends you don't talk to outside of school
Yeah
Yeah, even like she had no like obligations at all
Not obligated at all. She did not owe him anything the fact that she told him
Well, it was she got lucky. He got lucky with that
He was I think he was definitely intimidated by her like her education
That is he knew that her record was clean
And he didn't want any chances none he wanted jeopardize his shot and guess what he still didn't get it deserved
And I highly doubt one person will make a difference on his like
Acceptance because there's multiple people in the world that are probably applying at the same time
It's not like this is the last spot ever like
Or they're going head-to-head making it a competition for no reason. Yeah
I kind of wish they gave us an update on the girl and her friend because
I would like to know the update but I will say there's a lot of comments say that she's basically the asshole kind of
And I was like, she's not the asshole. You guys are just dicks. I'm like you guys are just dicks
Which is so weird
Which is a lot of what redditors are they're dying to hold. Yep
All right, so is that all
Um, yeah
Yes, I gotta do that you guys want to do that
You're so funny right now
She's so silly
So we collectively as a group have to say something
Well, I said what I already
Okay, adios muchachos. All right, that's your outro