Relationships are complicated because we are complicated.
People come to a relationship carrying loads of internal baggage,
battle scars from past hurts, and defense mechanisms they built up.
These bearers can serve as obstacles on the road to getting close to someone else.
So how can we get better at anticipating and coping with the inevitable struggles we all face in relationship?
In this episode of Keep It 100, we cover the vital topic of revolutionizing your relationship status.
And stay with us till the end as we have five secrets of relationship essentials
that will propel you in healthy connections.
Hey, what's up everybody?
Come on, Keep It 100.
I'm Sean.
I am Christa and we are so excited to be here with you today.
I love the topic that we're going to be talking about.
I do too.
In fact, this topic is so vital.
Hollywood recognizes it and it makes major money because they release a lot of movies based on romance,
relationships, rom-com, on and on and on.
And the online dating world, it's a billion-dollar industry.
Oh my.
I mean, right?
Hallmark would not exist without romance.
Oh my God.
Lifetime network, even though they begin into some other drama with them too.
It's so true.
You know, when Sean and I were talking about what to really bring you all,
because we want to bring you quality content that's relevant and pertinent for right now for your relationship.
We don't want to just throw some concepts at you.
We actually want to give you practical things that are going to help you in your everyday life.
And today we're talking about revolutionizing your relationship status.
And why we felt like relationships were so important to talk about is because relationships right now
in the current era that we're in are in a pressure cooker.
There are so many people that are experiencing divorce right now.
Separation is up.
Domestic violence is up.
There is arguments and fighting like never before.
And there is hope with the relationships in our life.
And yet there are so many people that are experiencing so much pressure in their relationships.
And we thought today, let's talk about some practical things to help people with those key romantic relationships in their life.
Whether you're in a marriage, whether you are dating someone, whether you want to be dating someone.
Because the truth is, even if you're single and you're listening to this today,
there's going to be something for you today because we want your relationships to be revolutionized.
Say that.
Now, here's what's really interesting.
I believe that humanity longs to be loved, known and valued.
Studies have shown that humans must feel safety, belonging and mattering,
which is another way to say simply that we matter.
We're not just one of many people, but us as individual people, we matter.
And they believe in these studies that without these three essential keys,
a person cannot perform, innovate, feel emotionally engaged,
or move forward toward their dreams or their values.
You know, it's so true.
I've read this thing, Christa, that our greatest fears as humans is the fear of never being loved and never being able to love.
And I think that is so real.
And I'm of the school of thought that who you choose to be in a romantic relationship is often a mirror to how you actually see yourself.
True.
Now, I believe that we often choose people in our lives based on what we think we're worth.
So if you don't believe that you're worth love, value, or someone's time and attention,
you're going to choose someone that's going to consistently cross boundaries,
talk down to you, criticize you, where you often feel worthless or lessen.
And on the other hand, on the flip side of that script, if you believe that you are worth something and you have value and that you know you can contribute,
you're going to choose someone that celebrates you, calls you higher, pulls out your best, and they will not compete with you.
So if you're secure, you're going to surround yourself with strong, successful, thriving people that are living their best life.
But if we're broken and insecure, we're going to choose people who are often at a worse place than we are,
and they're going to make us feel better about our lives.
So I believe that when we look around, Sean, at who is in our lives, and we're kind of talking today specifically about romantic relationships,
but often if you see a pattern of the type of people you've chosen and they are dysfunctional,
it's often a reflection of what really is the battle going on within you.
All right, keep your 100.
We in the name of keeping it real.
Come on.
Kristin, I want to tell you about our first date.
It was awesome.
It was so awesome.
And our first date, it was funny because we had known each other for some years,
and Kristin was flying up to the Bay Area where we currently live to do a women's conference.
And so she flew into an airport, which I always love to give the entire title of this airport,
is San Jose Mineta Municipal Airport.
It's our favorite.
He has to say the whole thing.
And then I was waiting at Curbside.
She texted me when she got off, and so she walked out and she had an outfit on.
I just want to tell you all she was coved, y'all.
She was coved, coved meaning that she looked very good and very attractive because there
was this aspect where we had communicated via texting, calling, social media initially.
True.
But the question was, was there going to be that element of chemistry when we saw each
other in person and now that it's officially a date?
It's so true because I knew Sean only in a ministry contact.
I used to run schools of ministry.
He would come through and he would minister to my students.
He was always my favorite for my students.
But I didn't know if him and I would connect on a romantic level at all because you can
be in ministry with someone.
You can enjoy them and they can be super respect them and value them.
But that isn't me of chemistry.
So when Sean first saw me, he hugged me.
And I mean, he hugged me and I was like, and I was like, yes, I like this.
I mean, it was awesome.
In fact, I hugged her kind of long and then I thought, uh-oh, maybe I hugged her too long.
I said, oh, I'm sorry.
She said, no, I liked it.
I was like, okay.
But I instantly felt the chemistry.
Just even by his hug, I was just like, oh yeah, okay.
And then of course I found him completely attractive and super hot.
So I was like, it's on.
But again, I didn't know how he was going to feel about me.
So I was, you know, I was trying to play it cool because I didn't know if we were going
to have the chemistry.
It's true.
And so I had found out that Christa loves and still does to this day.
Love Mediterranean food.
Favorite food.
I searched and found out one of the best ranked Mediterranean restaurants in Berkeley, California.
And took her out to this restaurant.
The food was good, which that's important because I'd never been there before.
And that meant so much because I felt like he had paid attention in conversations.
Like he didn't ask me before the date, like, what do you want?
You know, what kind of food do you like?
What not?
He had already taken notes from previously getting to know me.
And I just, that meant a lot.
Men pay attention to that.
When the women are talking, listen.
And I know sometimes we talk a lot, but listen because we're telling you about who we are
and what we like.
And I loved it because Sean listened.
He paid attention.
And then our first date reflected all these fun things he knew I was going to love.
Facts, facts, man.
Facts.
So we really, at this point, didn't know if our date was going to end after dinner.
Right.
We just planned dinner.
We didn't want to over commit time because you don't quite know how it's going to go.
You don't know how it's going to go.
Right?
So you're like, dinner safe.
So I felt like after dinner, I was feeling her.
She was feeling me.
And the terminology obviously is that we felt some chemistry.
There was a spark.
For all those over 50 that didn't know what we just meant.
It was nothing inappropriate.
No.
It meant there was a spark.
So I said, Hey, would you like to go to the city?
The city being San Francisco?
And Christa said yes.
Oh yeah, for sure.
And so we're walking to the car.
We had to park down the way.
And as we got to the crosswalk, we're getting ready to cross.
I reached out for her hand.
And I gladly grabbed it because I was like, yes.
And what was so cool when he suggested go to Pier 39, I was so excited because we only
agreed to dinner and I could tell you want to spend more time with me.
And I was like, yes, because I felt the same.
So without even discussing it, we were already on the same page.
Like we were having such a good time.
We already had natural connection.
And the fact that you wanted to extend the date, I was like celebrating.
So I grabbed your hand and I was like, yes.
So you went to Pier 39.
We were looking over the waters.
We saw Alcatraz.
So pretty.
It was getting dusk.
You could see the sky.
It was beautiful.
It was romantic.
And then of course, there were the sea lions.
That are awesome.
They're like complete comedy.
They like roll on each other.
They're crazy and they're super loud.
So that was really fun.
Sea lions are like 60s, commune living.
Like they just all lay on top each other.
Naked.
Crazy.
And then we kind of walked towards the middle of Pier 39.
It's a pier.
You've got a lot of different stores, shops.
And there was this guy, he's juggling bowling balls.
He's entertainment.
He's telling jokes and people were like not into it.
And I just thought, this dude is putting himself out there.
He's being vulnerable.
He's, you know, we're not paying him for that.
So I just started trying to encourage the guy a little bit.
I kind of felt like that would be tough.
You did.
Oh, and that's one of my favorite things about Sean.
Like on the date, I got to see this in full form and I loved it.
This guy is like trying so hard because this is like for tips.
He's like trying so hard and it's like, it's not like an amazing show, but it was solid.
I mean, it was, and he's like going for it.
And then Sean being the natural encourager that he is starts like cheering the guy on.
He starts like, yeah, buddy, that's so good.
And like cheering him on and clapping.
Of course I joined it.
I'm like, yeah.
And then by the end of the show, everyone's like cheering and clapping and Sean had like
rallied the whole group of people.
And there was like a lot of people around.
You'd rallied all of them.
And by the end, the guys having like an awesome show and getting all these tips.
And I thought, I love this guy.
He's like fully helping the underdog like be awesome at this moment, which is so Sean.
Like I love, that's one of my favorite attributes about him, but seeing it on our first date,
I was like, oh, I love this guy.
His heart's amazing.
I love too is while we were doing that right after that, we did some indoor game.
I could just really see that Christa was relaxed.
She was herself.
When I'd ask her questions, she was just very authentic.
And I just love how she was willing to go deep in conversation and not keep it surface
and just that ability to have authentic conversation was really attractive at this point.
And so we turned the corner because we decided we're going to go to Gear Deli Square and
get us some hot chocolate because by now it's kind of cold.
Yeah, it's kind of cold.
And as we're walking down the street, Christa.
Oh my gosh, you guys, it was straight out of a rom-com.
I promise you.
So this guy's on a keyboard and he's like legit good.
He's like playing and his voice is beautiful.
And he is singing Jeff Buckley's song, Hallelujah.
You know the classic.
And it's like so beautiful and there was a couple slow dancing right next to him.
Like it was this moment.
And I was like, I must be a part of this.
Like slow dancing on the streets of San Francisco to Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah with Sean.
Yes.
This is like already an amazing day.
We're going to go like five stars.
This is going to be amazing.
So I turned to Sean and I'm like, well, because we're across the street.
I'm like, oh my gosh, let's go across the street and dance.
And Sean kind of gives me this look like, wait, what?
And I'm like, in my mind, it is the most romantic, most incredible possibility out there.
Right?
It is.
And you know, truth be told, it was probably beyond my comfort zone to dance out on a street
corner with total strangers, people walking by and he's kind of busking.
He's singing and he's got his guitar case.
It's open for people to give money.
But it's one of those things that I recognize, you know, it's important in relationship.
You can't always do just what you want to do.
You have to do that, which the other person enjoys to make it fun for them.
Absolutely.
So I thought, okay, we'll start dancing.
When we started dancing, we laughed at this now because Christa was leading in the dance
we were doing.
It was kind of, it's more of a slow song.
So we got our arm around each other.
We're dancing.
She's leading.
So she kind of had to lead and I'm like, let me lead.
And so I began to lead in the dance and she was totally okay with it, which that was
key for me right then and there.
Just to see, okay.
And what's so funny is I didn't even realize I was fully leading and when Sean was like,
let me lead.
I was like, gladly a man with rhythm.
I'll take it.
I got a little bit of rhythm.
This is a little bit.
Oh yeah, you've got a lot.
And then right after that, we are finished.
We end up at Gear Deli Square.
We're getting a hot chocolate.
We get back in the car.
And as we get back in the car, all of a sudden a song by Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake,
Love Never Felt So Good came on.
Oh, great song.
And then Christa hit our groove.
Explain to us, Christa.
Are you kidding?
I don't know this about me.
I am like the ultimate car dancer.
I mean, I actually think like I might be a better dancer in a car than on the floor,
but I love to dance.
And so for me, car dancing is like, it's like a place of connection because it's so fun.
You sing the song as loud as you can.
You dance, you go far.
You even try to get the cars around you involved.
Like I get that into it.
Like I'm going for it.
So I, without even thinking, and Sean hasn't seen this side of me because obviously we've
just been in like services and I'm like fully dancing and I'm like arm dancing.
Like I'm into it.
And Sean, like he like turns it up, turns up the music.
He joins in with me as he's driving.
He's just like, yeah, he's singing with me and I'm literally like, so I'll take it.
I mean, are you kidding?
This is amazing because I'm having so much fun with Sean.
And to me, I had to see the fun, lighthearted, let down side of Sean.
Because if we were going to have a romantic relationship, this is going to have a future
to it as great as a date as this was.
I had to have someone that was going to have fun and enjoy and be in the moment.
And that's exactly what happened.
So you know, we shared with you our first date and here's why we took the time to tell
you guys about that.
Cause I believe we had one of the most incredible dates of all time.
12 hours long, y'all.
It was awesome.
Noon of midnight.
And even when it was done in 12 hours, I literally wanted to hang out with him more.
Like he was just so fun.
But what's so cool about that?
It wasn't just a great first date.
We took what we happened on that first date and we made it a great marriage.
And that's what we want to help you guys do.
Cause you can have great connections.
You can have great moments.
You can even have a great date with someone.
But often our issues, if they're not dealt with, or we don't actually have the tools
in our tool belt to actually have healthy relationships that go beyond a great moment,
we're going to miss out on so many opportunities to really connect and have deep relationships
in our life.
And so many of us are getting in our own way.
And I believe God wants to give you some practical tools in this episode.
To have you take great moments and actually make them great relationships.
So with that being said, Sean and I want to talk to you about some key essentials that
we felt like are foundational.
I'm even going to say fundamental in order to have healthy relationships.
Number one, I want to talk to you about what it is to be honest about who you are.
We talked a little bit about it in a Sean and I's first date, but I really made a commitment
because I got married older in my life and I had really never been in love until I met
Sean.
And when I met Sean, I made that commitment with him myself.
If this was the man for me, I wasn't going to try to show him who I thought he wanted
me to be.
I made a commitment that I was going to show him exactly who I really was.
And if that was good for him, cool, but if it wasn't, then he wasn't the right man for
me.
So I didn't allow fear or intimidation to drive how I approach the relationship.
I just had to come from a place of confidence and remove every mask and say, this is who
I really am.
And by doing that, I think that is so essential because as I talked about when I was kind
of just talking about what we are saying today and about revolutionizing your relationship,
if everyone's number one desire is to feel loved, belong and connect with another and
everyone's greatest fear is not to be loved or not know how to love, you're never going
to experience true love until you take off the masks because you'll never feel like you
actually belong.
If you never feel like you show people the real version of you, because you'll never
feel like they fully accept you if you actually don't show them who you really are.
This is so essential and really establishing, but also revolutionizing the relationships
in your life.
Masks have to be removed.
They have no place in authentic relationship.
That's true.
A lot of people are complaining about wearing their N95 masks in and during this season.
Those same people have been wearing masks for a long time in some other areas.
And I love your point about being honest who you are.
I mean, it's obviously a joke now about people's exaggerated Facebook profile pics or their
Instagram airbrush model poses, but the truth to be told, authenticity is attractive.
People want and are attracted to authenticity.
It's so true.
One of my essentials is the understanding of commitment because in a relationship, when
you're building towards longevity in a relationship, commitment is being willing to work on the
difficulties.
And so often, I think certain people are geared in a way that they will fight through the
difficulties and they will work on areas where there's disagreement.
But there are a lot of people that we have such a bounce piece out culture, the moment
that there's a little bit of turbulence, they're ready to jump out of the relationship.
But the truth to be told is that if you're going to have in terms of a healthy relationship,
you have to be willing to work on the difficulties together.
There has to be this planning for your future together.
There needs to be a clarifying boundaries that you both agree upon.
And there's this kind of old saying that I think holds true that when a light bulb goes
out, you fix the light bulb, you don't get a new house.
There's some people that's going from relationship to relationship, going house to house.
The moment the light bulb goes out, but you don't throw away the house, you just fix the
light bulb.
And so part of that is being committed and developing a level of staying power and people
that are in, let's say dating relationships, if you just bounce every time there's a bit
of difficulty, what you're doing is you're practicing for division when you get to a
long-term relationship.
You're practicing for the easy abort button to push, to bounce you out of it when you
get a little turbulence on the flight.
So it's so important, learn commitment.
Oh, I love that.
We live in a world that when it gets inconvenient or it's not fun anymore or it's not sexy anymore
or it's not going your way anymore, people bounce, they abort.
And the reality is any great marriage, you have to choose persevere and push through.
And you can have the best of marriages, but there are times where you just have to recognize
I'm committed no matter what and divorce division is not an option in my home.
It's not actually even a part of a vocabulary.
And when you have that level of commitment, you're in it for the long haul.
There's no changing that.
It changes how you approach the person.
I think another essential that is so important for me to bring to the table is open communication.
We're talking about essentials of relationships.
You can't have more essential than communication.
Communication or let's talk about lack of communication or even miscommunication is often a major
issue in people's relationships.
And what's tricky is we live in a world that a lot of communication is actually done nonverbal
and it's done via text, via email.
And although there is FaceTime and different things, a lot of times our communication is
digitalized and so you lose like tone, you lose contact, you lose nonverbal communication,
which often is 80% of communication when you're face to face with someone is nonverbal.
Visual cues.
That's right.
And you miss all that.
So people have now gone to convenient communication, which is email or text or different things.
It's easy.
It's quick, but it doesn't have real intimacy or connection.
And I'm going to go as far and I might step on some toes, but it's actually lazy communication
because you get, you get more about convenient communication versus intentional, vulnerable
communication.
And that's so important because there is nothing that should supersede your face to face communication.
Here's my challenge to our, keep it 100 tribe.
If you're someone that's more comfortable being vulnerable in a text and face to face,
I want to challenge you to shift that.
And I want to challenge you to shift that is because you are not able to have a vulnerability
or authenticity face to face.
Then there is a mask you're still wearing.
And so in order to have true vulnerability and a healthy, deep loving relationship, you
have to be able to have the hard conversations face to face.
If the hard conversations are done in text, that's not real vulnerability.
That's like putting it out to the internet world.
Anyone can do that.
But the greatest places of my personal vulnerability are when I'm looking Sean in the face, when
I'm looking at a loved one in the face and I'm having the hard talks, but I'm looking
them eye to eye.
And that's where I'm like opening up my heart.
That's where I'm actually opening up that the parts that maybe have been inaccessible.
I'm making them accessible to the ones I love.
That's brave communication and that's open communication.
I want to end with this for just this part and that is no one is a mind reader.
And so if you want to have open, healthy communication, you can't expect anyone to read your mind.
Sean knows me so well.
We know each other very well, but he can't read my mind.
There are times where I need something.
He's not dialed into it.
When vice versa, there's times he needs something for me.
I'm not dialed into it.
We have to tell each other our needs.
So rather than set someone up for failure, I just communicate what I need and I set him
up for success.
Why is that so important?
Because I'm not having unrealistic expectations.
I've had me open and healthy communication because I value our connection.
So good.
Communication is key.
Yes it is.
Another one of the essentials I've learned is the relationship must be more important
than you winning an argument or you being right.
Say that.
So many people enter into that place where they feel like they have to be right.
They have to win the argument.
They have to have this one up and chip.
But the truth be told, if you don't value the relationship more than winning the argument,
your relationship is going to suffer in the long run.
And along with that, I've also learned you got to pick and choose your battles.
I have a phrase that I love to use.
Every hill ain't worth dying on.
Come on.
That's right.
I don't really have to fight over whether the picture is hung on the east wall or is
hung on the south wall.
I don't have to fight those kind of battles.
And when inevitable things come up that cause conflict, you have to know how to fight fair,
how to fight right.
That's so good.
Because in relationships, disagreements and obstacles are inevitable.
So you have to understand in those things, you're fighting for a relationship.
Say that again.
You have to understand that you're fighting for a relationship in those circumstances.
You're fighting for the relationship.
I love that because when you're fighting for it, you're seeking reconciliation.
You're seeking connection.
You're not fighting against each other.
You're fighting for that person and you're fighting for that intimacy.
That's huge in a relationship.
Next essential, I want to bring you to the table.
It's probably one of my favorites.
No scorekeeping.
And what I mean by that is when you keep score of who does what in a relationship, who makes
more effort, who compromises more, who's always giving more.
When you keep score on those type of things, you're always going to come out on top and
the other person's always going to come out on the bottom.
And that is so detrimental to a healthy relationship because love doesn't keep score.
The truth of the matter is you don't know all the decisions that someone made in order
to even be with you that day.
You don't know what they fought through.
You don't know what's going on within them internally, emotionally, psychologically, physically.
And often people are fighting unseen battles and give people the benefit of the doubt.
I know that when I'm in a close relationship with people, I make an intentional choice
to assume the best and not assume the worst.
And I don't come to conclusions.
I get the facts before I come to conclusions.
You have to keep those that you love in context.
I'm not always also going to nail it in relationships.
I'm not going to always nail it as an awesome wife for Sean, but he's keeping me in context.
He's looking at my full body of work.
He's looking at me as the totality of the woman that he loves.
He's not taking an isolated event and holding it against me and keeping score where I fell
short.
We're always going to fall short.
True.
But when we keep each other in context and we give each other the benefit of the doubt,
that is going to be such an advocate for a healthy connection.
That is so good.
And you do that so well.
I can truly say, keep it 100 listeners, that my boo definitely does not score a keep.
Along with that, I feel like there's a connection is that another one of my essentials is that
you have to come to the place where you learn how to move on from arguments.
Another way of saying it is that there's no culture of punishment allowed.
You know, sometimes when people do something that kind of upsets you or frustrates you,
and you withhold affection, you withhold attention, you give them the silent treatment, they're
in the doghouse, they're put on deep freeze.
The comedy of movies today is, oh, so you're in the doghouse now.
And you have that.
But that does not feel like a safe relationship.
And so all of a sudden over a period of time, you'll begin to put defense walls up to kind
of help yourself.
And so you got to say, if you've never learned how to move on from an argument, by default,
you begin to develop cultures of punishment.
You got to learn how to move on from an argument.
Truth be told, disagreements are unavoidable in any relationship.
But one of the aspects of strong, healthy relationships is the ability to get past the
fight.
And so there's got to be this point where you forgive, you move on.
There's no culture of punishment.
No matter what, even if we're disagreeing, I'm not going to withhold affection from my
wife or attention or just jump in a car and drywall for not telling her where I'm going.
Those things are not healthy.
And those are things that if we want to build healthy relationships, that we've got to learn
that there are better habits to develop.
Punishment and shame are two of the most detrimental qualities you can bring to a relationship.
It's the quickest way to sabotage what could be your greatest blessing.
But if you punish people for failing or coming up short, you're going to spend your life
punishing people because people are imperfect.
But as people are committed and they love you and they do their best, when we extend
grace, guess what?
We get grace back.
I know that when Sean extends me grace, it is so easy to extend grace back to him.
And I'm married to one of the most gracious men, but I tell you what, he has sewn in
so much grace into our marriage.
It's really easy to sew it back into him.
So I want us to be really intentional.
What are you sewing into your relationships?
Because what you sew into your relationship is what you will reap in your relationships.
We're 100 tribe, so we're going to conclude our section of this episode by giving you
five takeaways that we believe will help you as principles of healthy relationship.
The first one is you come to a place where you're no longer limping from your last.
So many people are still limping from their last.
In other words, they've not made peace with past relationships.
And if you think back on past relationships and you're feeling pangs of anger, you get
sorrowful, sad, pain, regret.
Now you're forcing the next person in the relationship to prove they're not like the
last person in the relationship.
It's proof you're still working through the morning of the loss of that particular relationship,
however long or short it was.
And so you need to make sure that you're not limping from your last.
Maybe the world would call it rebound relationships.
But an important lesson in life is that you have to let go of the things behind you.
I mean, the Bible even talks about pressing on to what's ahead of you, letting go of
what's behind you.
And so if you're going to have healthy relationships, make sure you're healed to the point where
you're not limping from your last.
Oh man, grab ahold of that.
Because so many times we want to jump into a rebound, nothing could be worse to do in
that moment.
You got to heal, you got to learn, you allow God to finish what he has started in your
life because you want to choose people from a healthy place, not a broken place.
Can I get an amen?
Amen.
All right.
Second takeaway we want you to grab ahold of is know who you are and how God has wired
you.
Friends, self-awareness is so important when you're in a relationship.
You have to know your love languages.
You have to know what you need.
You have to know who you are.
You also have to know your non-negotiables.
There's so many people that are in relationships and they're just like, oh, they're great.
They're amazing.
And they are.
People are amazing.
Nothing has to be wrong with them in order for them not to be the person for you.
Sometimes we feel like we have to find a flaw as to why that relationship wouldn't work.
I remember there were some great guys that pursued me before Sean.
There was nothing wrong with them and I felt like there didn't have to be anything wrong
with them.
I just didn't have a piece about it.
But so many times we feel like we have to find something wrong or we have to create
a scenario that is to why it's not working.
But if you know who you are and how God has wired you, you're going to make a decision
from whom you're going to get married or have a relationship with that comes from a place
of full identity, not trying to figure out yourself in the midst of a relationship.
That's so true because so many people lose themselves in relationship.
They become like who they're with and then they go to another relationship and they become
and they're chameleons when in fact they ought to be their own unique fingerprint of who
God has made them.
What a great point.
Come on.
The third takeaway is stop trying to win arguments and start trying to find solutions.
That's so great.
So it's not just that you quit doing what's wrong.
So it's not like, okay, I'm not just trying to win argument, but start trying to find
solutions.
I remember my cousin had to live with me for a while, Marty.
My grandmother, she's from the South and you listen to our podcast, you know about my southern
black grandmother.
She don't play, right?
Come on, Ethel.
Oh man, she's amazing.
Like my grandma, like kids today, you get a timeout.
My grandma had a timeout.
The timeout was when she switched her belt from her right hand to her left.
I had admitted to catch my breath before the beating would start.
That was my timeout.
That's amazing.
But anyway, the thing is, is that I remember Marty and I, we would be wrestling, we'd do
something and one of us would bump into something and we'd break grandma's vase.
And then we were trying to fix the blame.
Man, you did this, but no, you did this and you pulled my leg, now I fell into you, then
you fell into the vase and we'd be arguing.
My grandmother would come and she would quickly say, you all trying to fix the blame when
you need to be fixing the problem.
Go get a broom, you go get a pan, let's sweep this thing up.
And so I learned this principle instead of fixing the blame, try to fix the problem.
And so a healthy relationship is I'm not trying to win an argument, I'm trying to find a solution
because so much of the world is I win, you lose, you win, I lose, but let's start thinking
win, win.
How can we both get wins in this situation?
That is so good.
Also number four is accept that your partner's not you.
Come on.
They're not you.
I never read their book, I never read it, but men are from ours, women are from Venus.
But the truth be told is that men and women are built so differently and it's in God's
design that we're differently.
I love it and this is not a misogynistic statement at all, but I love when women have their empowered
femininity.
Absolutely.
You shouldn't have to be a man to climb the corporate ladder or to have a position of
influence, be a CEO or whatever it is that God's called you to do or to preach.
Yes, be who God's made you to be.
And I think it's true in relationship, accept that your partner's not you.
They have their own thoughts, their own feelings, their own hormones, hello somebody, their
own wiring, what's logical to them, even their thought process, we can get frustrated if
people don't follow our thought process, but remember they're not you.
So they don't have your thought process, they think.
So communication is I'm going to take the time to make sure you understand my thought
process, but even greater communication is I'm going to take time to make sure I understand
your thought process.
So true.
So many times we look at differences, diversity as a negative, but actually the differences
in the diversity can actually be a real positive.
I love that Sean and I have very different life experiences, but I've learned so much
from Sean.
He also has different interests that have actually been really cool things for me to
learn.
I take Krav Maga with Sean.
I would have never taken Krav Maga self defense class, which ever, but Sean was totally into
martial arts, I wanted to get into his world and so I would just go and support and he's
like, Hey, why don't you do this as self defense?
It'd be so good for you.
And I'm like, Oh, give it a month.
I'm not really a martial arts girl.
And I've come to really appreciate it and value it because I see its value in my life,
but other people's differences and different interests and hobbies and the things that we
can view as like things that pull us apart.
Actually if you're open and you allow them to impact you or to open you up to new things
can be some of the greatest parts of your relationship.
That's true.
That's why every holiday I'm watching Hallmark movies with my wife, y'all, because she loves
them and I totally would be watching blow up a car kind of movie attack, you know, Martian's
movie, but my wife loves those.
So I totally have gotten into it.
It's so true.
He always says to me, because I go, Will you watch Hallmark with me?
And he's like, I'll watch two with you this month.
And I'm like, Yes, I mean, I'll take two.
That's like amazing.
But he always ends up watching more because he's really nice.
So it's hilarious.
All right.
The last keep it 100 takeaway on revolutionizing your relationship is when people show you
and tell you who they are, believe them.
I know that sounds simple.
Let me break it down for you.
How many times did I count council as a pastor and as a director of school, ministry, young
men and young women that come into my office?
They'd say, Christa, I have met this awesome girl.
She loves God and she loves me.
But I'm a little nervous because she tends to cheat on her boyfriends.
There's been a pattern.
And then she actually just told me last night on the phone, I just feel have kind of a weird
feeling that she said, she thinks I'm too good for her and that she sabotages all the good
things that come into her life.
And I turned to him and I said, I need you to listen to me right now.
Take her word at face value.
She is telling you exactly who she is.
And I'm not saying she's a bad person.
I'm simply saying she is unhealthy and she needs to get healed healthy and whole before
she ever steps foot into any relationship.
And you young man need to save yourself the heartache and the pain and believe what she
is telling you.
And honestly, I don't want to be right, but here's the truth.
Every single time that young man would come in eventually and say, guess what?
She cheated on me.
She sabotages.
She did exactly what she told me she was going to do.
And I didn't believe her.
And I want us to know that when people tell you who they are, you have to take them at
face value, but it's amazing how people will tattle on themselves.
They'll say, yeah, I sabotage relationships.
Yeah, I have commitment issues and we never think it's actually going to affect us because
we think we're the exception.
We have to understand when someone's telling you who they are, believe them.
And here's just a little piece of wisdom I'm going to leave you with.
If it feels wrong at the beginning of the relationship and yet you're caught up in the
emotions of it, I want you to know it will not get better.
You are, you're at the beginning of the relationship.
True.
Pay attention to the red flags and do not ignore what the Lord is trying to save you
from.
Amen.
With those, keep it 100 takeaways.
If you grab ahold of those today, plus those foundational, fundamental things we shared
earlier, we believe your relationships are going to be revolutionized.
We want you at this time in a pressure cooker season on relationships.
These can change the atmosphere of your marriage, of your home, but even your closest friends.
Hey friends, we thank you so much for tuning in to keep it 100.
We love this time with you each week.
We get to be able to be with the keep it 100 tribe.
You mean so much to us.
Can I just thank you for just tuning in for being faithful?
I know so many of you have rated us, reviewed us and referred us.
Can you keep doing that?
Getting the word out, sharing us with your friends, people that you think this podcast
would bless.
We want to impact and influence so many people for Jesus because we believe Jesus is after
every heart and after every soul and whatever we can do to be a part of that, will you help
us do that.
Also, make sure and subscribe if you have not already and be alerted every Tuesday as a
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Also, during the week at any time, check us out on our new website, www.SeanandChristasmith.com.
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We want to hear how this podcast is influencing you.
We're getting so many testimonies, so much awesome feedback.
We're so encouraged and friends as we're with you week in and week out, keep connected to
us.
We love you as a keep it 100 tribe.
Hey, and also want to see keep it 100 tribe.
Make sure you tune in next week as we bring the finale to revolutionizing your relationship
status.
We conclude this conversation on this crucial key to the quality of your life because outside
of Jesus, the next most important quality of your life will be your relationships.
So until next week, we just want to say to you, remember, relief can change your circumstance,
but a revelation can change you.
We love you guys.
See you next week.
Keep it 100.
We hope you enjoyed today's episode of the keep it 100 podcast with Sean and Chris Smith.
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