1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,360 It has often been said that marriage has a 50% chance of success. 2 00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:07,840 Recent statistics show that both marriage rates and divorce rates in the U.S. are decreasing. 3 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,280 But is this a good trend? 4 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:10,800 C.S. Lewis is quoted as saying, 5 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:12,240 Love is not merely a feeling. 6 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:16,000 It is a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit, 7 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:19,120 reinforced by the grace which both partners receive from God. 8 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,000 And it's on this love that the engine of marriage is run. 9 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,760 In this episode of Keep It 100, 10 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,040 we will run with the core values that have cultivated our connection 11 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,920 and it's spicy when things go bland. 12 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,440 What's up, Keep It 100 Tribe? 13 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,760 This is Daniel from Toronto, Canada, 14 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:35,440 and I got a message for you real quick. 15 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:37,840 Don't wait until the end of this podcast to subscribe. 16 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:40,000 My metrics from Spotify came in, 17 00:00:40,000 --> 00:01:05,600 and the hottest pod, Ghosts of None Other, then Keep It 100 with Sean and Christa Smith. 18 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:10,160 Hey everybody, welcome to another sit down with Sean and Christa Smith. 19 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,600 Thank you for joining us, 20 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:15,440 and we are so excited about this really fun segment. 21 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,920 We can promise you we're going to have a blast today. 22 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:21,920 You know, Sean, isn't it crazy that we're already at the end of 2020? 23 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:27,120 Yes, and this year has gone so slow and so fast at the same time. 24 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,240 It is so true. 25 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,800 I feel like literally we are already here at the end. 26 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:31,760 I'm like, wait, what? 27 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:35,680 And then there are moments that felt like the days were so long. 28 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,920 It's been the weirdest year of my life, right? 29 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:38,720 For all of us. 30 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,880 This has just been so bizarre. 31 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:41,760 Facts. 32 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:46,160 The fact we're still in this as we're wrapping up 2020 is like, 33 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,520 I really didn't see this coming. 34 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:48,720 I just have to be honest. 35 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:54,480 And it really does feel like there are moments when it was like snail pace slow, 36 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:58,880 and other times when it was like Usain Bolt in the Olympics for Jamaica Fast. 37 00:01:58,880 --> 00:01:59,440 Oh my goodness. 38 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:00,880 I tell you what, it's so true. 39 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:05,360 Well, I want to dive in today because we're talking about probably one of my favorite 40 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:08,080 topics and it's the topic of marriage. 41 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:08,480 Yep. 42 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:09,840 Real talk, wedlock here. 43 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,520 We're talking about marriage. 44 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:16,320 And it's funny because I read this article, Christa, and it's the oddest museum I've ever 45 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:16,880 heard of. 46 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,000 And keep it 100 tribe. 47 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,720 I believe it will be the oddest museum you've ever heard of. 48 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:21,680 Okay, I'm ready. 49 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:26,720 In the Croatia capital city of Zagreb, it is the home for an unusual museum. 50 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:31,600 This article describes it is the museum of failed relationships. 51 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:32,880 That's what the whole museum is about. 52 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:34,080 That's what it's about. 53 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:34,960 That's hilarious. 54 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:39,680 It was founded by two Zagreb artists after the end of their romantic relationships. 55 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:46,800 Perrin laughed about Senegal Museum to showcase their many shared objects that now hold complicated 56 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:47,440 memories. 57 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,200 And then after a while, I began to catch on. 58 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,240 This is real odd, right? 59 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:50,640 Oh my gosh. 60 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:50,720 Right. 61 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:55,120 They started collecting items from friends and visitors to their growing number of gallery 62 00:02:55,120 --> 00:03:00,000 exhibits that soon had over a thousand items each with a story on their hands. 63 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:00,720 What? 64 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,200 Yeah, you want to hear what some of the collection. 65 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:08,720 The collection includes a shiny new axe used to splinter the furniture of an ex-lover one 66 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:09,840 item per day. 67 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,200 That is hilarious. 68 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:19,600 Another item they had a pink fur covered handcuffs with no description given nor needed. 69 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,320 Hello, somebody. 70 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,520 We don't need that description. 71 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:22,240 Nope. 72 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:28,400 And they had a scarred, partially crushed lawn gnome that was hurled at the car of a 73 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:29,360 departing husband. 74 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:30,400 Oh my gosh. 75 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:31,280 Okay, so time out. 76 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:35,040 I got to really track with this because I want to make sure I'm catching this and definitely 77 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,720 are keeping 100 tribe or catches. 78 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,920 So we have two people that had a relationship, two artists. 79 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,240 They, it sounds like they did it for quite a few years. 80 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:46,960 They break up and they're laughing about the fact that they could create a museum with all 81 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:51,600 the sentimental things, kind of the objects that they shared in their relationship. 82 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:56,160 And the trend caught on that people started donating to the museum from all the objects 83 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,920 from their broken relationships. 84 00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:58,320 Yep. 85 00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,360 That is so funny. 86 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:03,440 So the museum is dedicated to all the objects of failed relationships. 87 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,400 Can you imagine? 88 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:08,960 Like you're the museum guide and you go, that crowbar right there was used to break my ex-lover's 89 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:09,600 windshield. 90 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,520 I love the gnome. 91 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:16,320 The half broken gnome has to be possibly my favorite that it was hurled at the car of 92 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,760 a departing husband. 93 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:17,840 Oh my gosh. 94 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,600 That's hilarious. 95 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:24,320 You have this feeling that during this time of quarantine, either now when we get out of 96 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:27,600 it, there might be a whole bunch of new artifacts added. 97 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:28,160 Right. 98 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:33,120 But hopefully you're coming out of this season with no artifacts to add to this museum. 99 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,160 That would be the goal. 100 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:35,360 But the struggle is real. 101 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:35,920 Oh yeah. 102 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,120 It, you know, it is real. 103 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:41,360 And that's actually why Sean, you know this, we're talking about this today, because recently 104 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:46,000 we've had a lot of conversations with married couples all over the nation that have contacted 105 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,840 us, people that we're in relationship with, and they are just going through really real 106 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:50,640 hard times. 107 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:55,440 And there's just difficulty in the moment that we're in in history. 108 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:59,760 And because we're in such difficult time, you know, they're just wanting an outside 109 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:00,400 perspective. 110 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,680 People they, they know people they have a relationship with like us and they're saying, 111 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,120 how do we navigate this stuff? 112 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:10,160 And so, you know, it's really caught our attention of so many people in struggles. 113 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,480 And we're, you and I, we started kind of talking about it. 114 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:16,560 And we were kind of agreeing that social distancing and staying home really are the 115 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,440 keys to reducing transmission of COVID. 116 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:25,120 But they've caused a lot of disruption and disunity in couples and family routines. 117 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:29,520 And, you know, this quarantine, because it's been such a pressure cooker, it's exposed cracks 118 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,040 in people's relationships. 119 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:36,640 And the tension created by this, it's been a forced isolation on couples and families. 120 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:42,000 It's caused a very real tension and very real struggle for a lot of people because, 121 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,720 you know, rising tensions is really normal. 122 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,640 It's kind of par for the course in the midst of, you know, forced isolation. 123 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:49,120 So true. 124 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:55,520 But because so many families and couples routines have been upended, you know, their work 125 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,120 looks different, school looks different. 126 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:01,360 They can't go to the gym, they can't travel, all their weekend previous engagements don't 127 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:01,760 exist. 128 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,200 You know, it's like life as we knew it is no longer. 129 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:09,200 And in that, people are kind of looking at what's my new normal and they're finding 130 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,880 themselves always with the same people with no diversion from that. 131 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,880 There's very little diversion, which has caused a lot of issues. 132 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:17,680 That's true. 133 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:24,560 Also on the trend, tragically, is even domestic violence has worsened amidst COVID and quarantine. 134 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:28,720 I was even reading an article where now they even have a national day calling attention 135 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:35,200 of trying to reduce or domestic violence awareness against women that have taken place. 136 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:39,520 And the truth be told, without the buffer of our routines and our sometimes over scheduled 137 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:44,720 lives, previously existing issues got out of hand, out of proportion. 138 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,240 Fuses are shorter now. 139 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,440 People are stuck together longer and with more stress. 140 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:54,640 And I was also reading this other article, Christa, that family law experts predict a spike 141 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,840 in divorce filings after the quarantine ends. 142 00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:01,360 And they're making this prediction based on China's a little bit ahead of us in the 143 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:01,840 quarantine. 144 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:06,240 And when their quarantine ended in China, they saw a spike in divorce filing. 145 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,040 So they're predicting that for the United States of America. 146 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:14,000 But I just want to say to our Keep It 100 tribe, don't draw any conclusions during this time 147 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:19,360 and don't make any big decisions, especially not before listening to the rest of these 148 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:19,520 five weeks. 149 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:19,920 Come on. 150 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:26,080 And we just want you to know this episode is going to be filled with practical tools on how to 151 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:32,000 really go after a marriage that is satisfying and fulfilling because we're going to share 152 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,120 some hard stuff today. 153 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:37,360 We're going to share, we've shared some hard stats and you could go, wow, that's really 154 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,200 like depressing to Sean and Christa. 155 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,520 We want you to know, don't be swayed by stats. 156 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,920 We simply bring up data and research because Sean and I love data and research in the sense 157 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,880 of it gives a gauge over what's the struggle right now. 158 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:53,120 It simply gives like a portion of what's a reality of a trend right now. 159 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,480 But we want to declare over you as a listener, it's not going to be your trend. 160 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:57,680 This is not going to be your reality. 161 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,880 We're going to give you some really practical things that we believe are going to help you 162 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:01,440 today. 163 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:06,320 Another article and it's very interesting because we're talking about keeping your love 164 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,000 amidst a quarantine. 165 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:08,560 Yeah. 166 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:12,480 They had this article about how long it takes for romance chemicals to dissipate, 167 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:16,960 which is interesting because they say a lot of marriages begin to hit problems after year 168 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,800 one and especially after year two. 169 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,800 So anyway, these scientists who are researchers at the University of Pavia, 170 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:27,680 they studied the brain chemistry of the newly love struck and they found that there are certain 171 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,200 chemicals that are elevated. 172 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,280 Get this when the love is new. 173 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,000 Wow. 174 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:38,160 So they found that this NGF, they're calling it nerve growth factor was hiring people who 175 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:42,960 reported just falling in love when compared to a single person or to those in long term 176 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:43,840 relationships. 177 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:49,440 And they studied that after about a year, the subjects NGF again, nerve growth factor 178 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:55,840 levels fell back to normal and then they found that after the first years of wedded bliss, 179 00:08:55,840 --> 00:09:00,400 some discontentment began to surface and a poll of 5,000 married couples found that men 180 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,760 and women began to take their marriage for granted after two years. 181 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:04,080 Okay. 182 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:04,400 Wait. 183 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:07,200 So let me again, I'm the break it down person. 184 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,160 I'm like, okay, let me understand what you just, because what you just said is actually 185 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,800 powerful, but I don't want anyone to miss it. 186 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:18,080 So, you know, the first year of someone falling in love that, that bubble, that bliss that 187 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:23,200 you fork feeling of like new, new love and that feeling that we all love, right? 188 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,920 And then it begins to go back to normal after a year. 189 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:27,840 You actually have a chemical in your brain. 190 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:28,320 That's right. 191 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:34,560 That actually is you fork it's elevated when it's new and after a year, your brain actually 192 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,640 goes what it's called back to normal. 193 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:41,920 And when people view that after a year sensation, they're viewing it as like, oh, I'm not really 194 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,120 in love with that person anymore. 195 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,120 When actually it's just matured. 196 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:45,600 That's right. 197 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:46,480 Your love is mature. 198 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:46,720 Right. 199 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,000 You're, you haven't, you haven't lost it. 200 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:48,800 You've lost a love. 201 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:49,840 It's just matured. 202 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:55,440 It's gone from that you fork, puppy love, newness, honeymoon to actually, I'm, this 203 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:56,480 is my normal. 204 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:58,640 I've actually settled into this relationship. 205 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:03,760 It's actually safe because there is you fork and yes, that's fun, but there's a maturity 206 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:08,560 and a vulnerability that comes in the safety of that relationship. 207 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:08,960 That's right. 208 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,280 Because love can't be based on a chemical. 209 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:12,560 It must be based on a choice. 210 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,080 Ooh, say that. 211 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:14,880 I love that. 212 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,960 You know, just to keep kind of adding to some interesting data that we discovered, you know, 213 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:26,400 they took a recent poll of couples in quarantine and only 18% reported that they're satisfied 214 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,840 with the communication during this quarantine time. 215 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:35,360 That means 82% are not satisfied with the communication and their marriage at this time. 216 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:35,840 Wow. 217 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,040 I mean, that's, that's staggering. 218 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:37,680 That's alarming. 219 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,040 That is so alarming. 220 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:46,160 And another alarming statistic is all those 25% of married couples are spending 35 plus 221 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:51,440 hours together, which means a minimum of 35 hours together, which is more than normal because 222 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,800 people aren't going to work that are, they're working from home together. 223 00:10:54,800 --> 00:11:00,720 Only 29% reported satisfaction with the amount of quality time they spend together. 224 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:01,920 Now, isn't that interesting? 225 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:02,960 Very interesting. 226 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,480 Because I think what people have to understand is just because you're in proxy with someone, 227 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:07,840 doesn't mean you're connecting with them. 228 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:11,200 And I know that firsthand because I'm a quality time person. 229 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:12,000 That's your love language. 230 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:16,560 And we had to discover that in our marriage because we're traveling together, we're doing 231 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:20,480 ministry together, we're flying across the country together and sitting next to each other for a 232 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:21,680 six hour flight. 233 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:26,400 And we would laugh because you would, I'd feel like I would say to you after a flight or after a 234 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:30,080 ministry trip, we've spent the entire weekend together and you know this, we're already laughing. 235 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,800 I would be like, I just feel like we haven't spent any time together. 236 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:33,280 And it's true. 237 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:37,120 And that was very puzzling to me because I'm like, hey, we just spent all this ministry time, 238 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,880 we're together on a flight the entire way. 239 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:43,920 And then I began to realize kind of the importance of quality time doesn't just mean we're sitting 240 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:50,160 next to each other, but that there is an intentional, non-distracted place where we're giving each 241 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,040 other our hearts and our communication and our love. 242 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,120 And I began to learn you helped me out with that. 243 00:11:55,120 --> 00:12:00,160 Ah, well, you're an amazing listener and you, you know, you lean into me and you're willing 244 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:01,120 to learn, right? 245 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,480 But I had to learn that you guys, you know, to all our listeners. 246 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,600 I had to learn that I was, you know, I'm saying this to my husband. 247 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,200 I'm like, why, I know in the natural, I know that we're spending all this time together, 248 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,440 but why am I, why am I not feeling connected? 249 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,880 And I realized just doing stuff with him for ministry, I love it. 250 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:20,400 And it does bond us and it's amazing and I wouldn't want to share it with anyone else. 251 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:25,280 But as a wife and as a woman, I want my husband to connect with me on an emotional level. 252 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,520 I want to have conversations about what's on my heart. 253 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:28,960 I want to process things with him. 254 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,160 I want to cuddle with him. 255 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:34,880 I want to just spend just uninterrupted time where I don't have to share him with the world 256 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:35,680 or with the pulpit. 257 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,200 I just get Sean all to myself. 258 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,720 That's my quality time. 259 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:43,120 And I just, I get a part of him that no one else gets and that's what I'm craving. 260 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,160 And I want him to have that part of me that no one else gets, right? 261 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,680 That's that quality time. 262 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:52,720 And that, that quality time really does begin to fortify a love during a season like this. 263 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:53,440 It sure does. 264 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,480 Hey, keep it 100. 265 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:58,000 We're excited because we're heading into the 100% segment, 266 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,160 also known as the Hondo P segment. 267 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,120 Well, we kind of want to open up this segment by saying, 268 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,400 Christian, I actually feel like we've thrived during this season. 269 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,040 We have. 270 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,000 And it's really been good. 271 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,760 We were just saying how much we enjoy each other's company, how you're my best friend. 272 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,160 And it hasn't been that we haven't had disagreements. 273 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:20,640 Right. 274 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:24,080 It's not that we haven't had, even today, we kind of had a bit of disagreement. 275 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:24,480 We did. 276 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:25,200 Talked about it. 277 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:25,840 Yep. 278 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:26,640 Both came to each other. 279 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,640 I was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 280 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:29,120 Right. 281 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:30,880 Just getting ready for the marriage talk. 282 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,800 But we didn't sweep anything underneath the carpet. 283 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:33,600 We talked about it. 284 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,160 That's right. 285 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:39,120 So then we began to ask ourselves, why have we thrived during this challenging and stressful 286 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:39,440 season? 287 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:43,360 So, Christian, let me ask you, why do you think we thrive during this challenging and stressful 288 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:43,440 season? 289 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:44,000 I love that. 290 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,200 It's a great question. 291 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,920 You know, I think a lot of it has to do with our story. 292 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,520 And we got married older and I knew what life was without you. 293 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,680 You knew what life was like without me. 294 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:57,520 I think that allowed us to come into our marriage with a deep gratitude. 295 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,720 And I think the gratitude has really led us to this. 296 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:04,320 And that is, we really give 100% to our marriage every day. 297 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:04,560 So true. 298 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:10,320 So I would say the reason we've thrived is because gratitude has provoked in us to give 299 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,200 100%. 300 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:14,800 And what I mean by 100% is every day we're choosing to love. 301 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,400 Every day we're choosing to prefer. 302 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,040 Every day we're leaning to the other person. 303 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,000 We're intentionally showing empathy and compassion. 304 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,120 We're very slow to react, quick to listen. 305 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,560 There's a patience that you and I consistently give one another. 306 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:33,280 And there's just a joy in our enjoyment of each other. 307 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:34,480 We enjoy each other. 308 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,160 We laugh at each other's jokes. 309 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,520 And we're giving 100% of ourselves to the marriage. 310 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:45,520 There's not a half-hearted approach to who we are in our participation or engagement. 311 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,240 Neither one of us has ever checked out of our marriage. 312 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:53,120 We're daily committed because we're daily saying, I give you all of who I am. 313 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,680 And that doesn't ever lessen, no matter what. 314 00:14:55,680 --> 00:15:02,240 And you know, a really practical way that I've seen this manifested in my own life is 315 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:08,800 just as a woman for me, I really had to make sure I was giving 100% in my communication. 316 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,000 And what I call that is mean what I say and say what I mean. 317 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:18,320 And what I really mean by that is I'm very honest about how I'm feeling about things, 318 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:20,640 how things affect me. 319 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:24,800 And I'm really choosing vulnerability and authenticity and my marriage. 320 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:29,440 I'm not just doing or saying maybe what feels safe. 321 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,160 I'm actually saying, hey, you know what, maybe I shouldn't be feeling that way. 322 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,000 But if I'm really honest, I am feeling this way. 323 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,280 Can we talk about that? 324 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,760 And you're incredibly safe to be able to do that with. 325 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:38,720 You're very compassionate. 326 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:39,280 You're kind. 327 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,840 You've created a safe space for me to be able to do that. 328 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:46,960 But I think it's really important because it's really in our marriage had honest communication 329 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,760 where I'm not making you guess how I feel. 330 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,400 I'm not making you try to figure out where I'm coming from. 331 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:57,120 And then on the flip side of that, if I say, hey, Sean, I forgive you or you say, 332 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:01,120 Christa, I forgive you, there is a mean what you say, say what you mean. 333 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:02,320 We're letting it go. 334 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:03,280 We're moving on. 335 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,040 There's not a rehash of that. 336 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,720 There is a I forgive you. 337 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:11,200 We're moving forward and we're committed daily to continue to grow in our marriage. 338 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,880 I 100% agree with that. 339 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,000 And that is facts. 340 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,800 As you were talking about giving it 100%, I love that. 341 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:21,760 And I feel like part of that given it 100%, Christa, is it you have to give your marriage 342 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:23,680 more attention than your hobbies. 343 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:29,040 And in that, I think we've had more time, but part of those stats are telling us that maybe 344 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:33,920 we've not invested that time intentionally in our spouse and in our family. 345 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,880 And so you have hobbies and everybody has hobbies and they have interests. 346 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:40,080 And I think it's important to have those, but you have to give your marriage more 347 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,440 attention than your hobbies. 348 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,280 Like it's funny, you can read the gospels. 349 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:48,880 You don't know what hobby Jesus had, but you know that he had this obsession to give 350 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:54,720 his life and lay it down for his bride, which is a church and marriage ought to be an example. 351 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:59,040 It ought to be a picture to the world of how Jesus loved the church. 352 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,960 And so I'd say, Hey, neglect the whole world rather than each other. 353 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:08,160 Like put other things down, shut off the cell phone, cut off the Netflix, whatever you got to do, 354 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,040 get that quality time, look in your spouse's eye. 355 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,320 And I think one of the things that we've done is that we've taken time and we made sure 356 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,040 that we give our marriage more attention than our hobbies. 357 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,400 I love that. 358 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:22,560 You know, it is so key what we're talking about because if our Keep It One, 359 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:26,320 how to try really grabs ahold of what we're sharing today, I really feel like there's just 360 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:30,640 some foundational, fundamental things that can really change marriages today. 361 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:35,200 You know, if I added another thing to this part of the conversation, I would say a real 362 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,760 foundational thing for us is keeping it fun. 363 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,040 Keeping it fun. 364 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:44,160 Because you and I know a happy marriage, you know, has taken a seat next to the humpback 365 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,400 whales on the endangered list. 366 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:52,000 And you and I have discovered laughter is a secret weapon of any happy marriage. 367 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,520 And you and I, we are like car dance party king and queen. 368 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,160 Like we always have fun music on in the car. 369 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,000 We have fun dance parties. 370 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,160 You're hilarious and always making me laugh. 371 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,640 We can be really silly together. 372 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:09,440 And we'll just cut it up and just laugh and enjoy each other, laugh at each other's jokes. 373 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:13,440 And there is a funness and a lightheartedness that I think is so important for a marriage 374 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,360 because the world is so serious. 375 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,080 Life is serious. 376 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,480 It's been a very serious and somber year. 377 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:22,480 And if you tend to be a more serious person, I want to encourage you, find out what makes 378 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:23,040 you laugh. 379 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:24,160 Get that funny movie. 380 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,520 Like get that thing that lightens you up into your life. 381 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:32,080 And you know, I think it's important for us to have things and people in our life that 382 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,720 unwind us and bring out that lighter side. 383 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:38,400 And really where your family's actually seeing your full personality. 384 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:43,120 You don't want the people outside of your family enjoying actually who you are, your 385 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:46,560 sense of humor, more than the people that you should be doing daily life with. 386 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:50,000 And they should actually be the ones enjoying that the most more than anyone. 387 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,600 So Sean and I are really intentional. 388 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,840 We laugh all the time. 389 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,440 Every day we're laughing about something. 390 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,960 I mean, laughing, laughing. 391 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,320 And I think that's key. 392 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,880 Laughter helps you change your emotional state. 393 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:01,360 Yeah, it does. 394 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,360 You know, it doesn't just work in babies. 395 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:04,800 It works in all humans. 396 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,400 If you can get a baby to laugh, they could be mad that they didn't get their toy or you 397 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,280 had to pull something away. 398 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,920 They weren't supposed to be playing with, but you make them laugh. 399 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,080 It's like it changes the emotional channel. 400 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:18,480 And so I think laughter, you know, the Bible says laughter do with good like a medicine. 401 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,680 And it really is a medicine for a marriage that could be ailing. 402 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,640 And so I think that's such an important point right along the lines. 403 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:29,600 I think of one of the things that has helped us thrive during the quarantine in terms of 404 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:34,960 our marriage is that you have to be very judicial on picking your battles. 405 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:40,080 And my thing is if it's a small thing, you need to just get Queen Elsa on somebody. 406 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:44,000 And she's saying the frozen theme, let it go, let it go, let it go. 407 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,520 If it's a small thing, let it go. 408 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:50,720 Like why get all upset, like stick in the butt, you know, I mean, you're just, 409 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,880 you're just going to be grumpy all day over it. 410 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:55,520 No, not every hill is worth dying for. 411 00:19:55,520 --> 00:20:00,560 And so in the midst of that, you got to understand that your spouse is on your same team. 412 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:01,120 Come on. 413 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:06,160 I watch some sports and whenever I see a team beginning to fight with each other on the sidelines, 414 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,880 I know they lost because they're fighting the wrong enemy. 415 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,200 You're not competing against your teammates. 416 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,360 You're competing against the other team. 417 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:16,320 You got to understand you and your spouse are on the same team. 418 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:20,240 So what I mean by that is you need to fight for your marriage, not against it. 419 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,280 Oh, come on. 420 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:25,280 Say that you need to learn even in the midst of that, learn to fight fair, be respectful, 421 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:29,600 even when you argue, because we know that there's certain buttons and certain things you could say 422 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:30,960 that could just set off the person. 423 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,320 You got to learn to fight fair. 424 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:37,840 And also I would, I would even conclude that thought with marriage is often about fighting 425 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,760 the battle between your ears. 426 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,640 And what I mean by that is you got to understand, you got to resist the devil. 427 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:48,080 There's an element of spiritual warfare that sometimes it's not your spouse making you upset 428 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:48,640 and all that thing. 429 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,920 You got to understand the devil is piggyback and stressing your life. 430 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:56,160 And now, because you're not recognizing your fight in invisible battle, you turn it to the 431 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,160 natural and fight your spouse and that's wrong. 432 00:20:58,800 --> 00:20:59,440 So true. 433 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:04,400 You know, the devil wants to piggyback in intensity of seasons that we're in right now. 434 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:10,320 You know, there has been what, you know, psychologists call adaptive energy and adaptive energy is when 435 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,880 we're constantly having to adapt. 436 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,560 And because there's so much change, things are fluid, things are changing. 437 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,240 There's not a lot of certainty. 438 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,080 There's not a lot of stability. 439 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:25,840 And when that is lacking, our adaptive energy is put on demand and adaptive energy actually 440 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,680 makes you really tired. 441 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:32,160 It makes you feel really weary and we can all agree, none of us are at our best. 442 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,600 We're not our most patient. 443 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:34,960 We're not the most compassionate. 444 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:39,600 We're often not the most kind when we're tired and we have to understand the tiredness, the 445 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,200 weariness of this season. 446 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,680 So when you put it in perspective and when you feel the enemy throwing some arrows your way and you 447 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:51,040 can feel kind of your patients getting thin, recognize your capacity has maybe decreased 448 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,680 on what it was in a previous season where you had space. 449 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:54,240 So good. 450 00:21:54,240 --> 00:22:00,000 Where you had time to yourself where you had more time, downtime, you weren't as on as much. 451 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:04,400 You weren't, we're having so much adaptive energy required in your life. 452 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,920 Give yourself some grace. 453 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:10,400 Maybe recognize you're not able to accomplish the same amount of work you were previously able 454 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:16,400 to accomplish, give your family more downtime versus trying to still accomplish the same 455 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:21,600 amount and you're frustrated and you're frazzled, your patience is running out and then you recognize 456 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:25,040 you're not at your best and then you wonder why there's tension in the relationships. 457 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,080 We have to understand this is an unusual season. 458 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:33,280 So you have to give yourself some greater parameters so that you can actually thrive. 459 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:33,840 I love that. 460 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:34,880 That is so good. 461 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:35,360 And you know what? 462 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:36,640 We said we're going to keep it spicy. 463 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,080 So I'm going to keep it spicy. 464 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,520 I'm going to throw in there too. 465 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:44,320 One of the things I believe that's helped us during this quarantine time and I believe it's 466 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:49,040 important in any marriage is you have to enjoy an active, intimate life. 467 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:49,760 What? 468 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,400 As Marvin Gaye says, let's get it on. 469 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:52,880 Come on. 470 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:57,520 You know what I'm talking about because if you don't have an active, intimate life, 471 00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:59,440 you're going to slide in the roommate territory. 472 00:22:59,440 --> 00:22:59,920 Come on. 473 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,280 You're just sharing a house. 474 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:02,480 You're just sharing a room. 475 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:03,600 You're sharing a bed. 476 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:08,480 And yes, it is about what happens in between the sheets, as one song said back in the day, 477 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,600 but it's really about intentionally dating your spouse. 478 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:11,920 Right. 479 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,680 It's just doing something for fun. 480 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:17,120 You know, like whatever we've said many times, hey, I got to run to the mall. 481 00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:17,680 You want to come? 482 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,960 Yeah, let's just go together or, hey, I've got to run some errands. 483 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,080 Would you come with me? 484 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:23,360 You want to go get something to eat? 485 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,320 Do some takeout? 486 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,160 Obviously we've done a lot of takeouts, y'all. 487 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:30,480 But I think it's so important to enjoy an active, intimate life. 488 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:35,840 The Bible even talks about do not deprive one another except for mutual consent and to 489 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,000 understand your body's not your own now. 490 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:43,200 Your body also belongs to your spouse, biblically speaking, the scripture that backs that. 491 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,880 And I think it's so important, and I know men have heard this, but if you know today, 492 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:51,200 I feel like some men really need to be reminded it's more than just a physical act. 493 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,600 For women, it is emotional. 494 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,560 And to not be in a hurry, I think that's really important. 495 00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:02,080 There's something about lingering in the time of enjoying one another, lingering in conversation, 496 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:07,760 or just even in the silence, just lingering in the company, not being in a hurry in the act, 497 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:13,200 or even after the act, of just recognizing the importance of just enjoying one another. 498 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:20,240 Because for a woman, it is the emotional spiritual connection that is a byproduct of the physical. 499 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,840 Yes, the physical act is important. 500 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:25,520 But for a woman, we're looking for that emotional connection with you. 501 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:31,440 And I would just also say, I think particularly as guys, to make sure your wife is enjoying it, 502 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,560 make sure that you bring pleasure to your wife. 503 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:40,800 And I just feel like, hey, let's be intentional about having a communication is what pleases you. 504 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,040 What is it that brings you pleasure? 505 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:47,440 And let's do those things in a way that we're saying we prefer the other person, 506 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,920 even in our intimate life over ourselves. 507 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:51,120 And I think that's so important. 508 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:52,080 I love that. 509 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:56,080 You know, it's keep it 100 tribe, but as always, we want to give you some takeaways. 510 00:24:56,080 --> 00:25:01,120 And today we have three takeaways about how to keep your love fresh in the midst of quarantine. 511 00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,200 You know, the first thing I want to bring you to the table, 512 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:08,080 just talking about keeping your love fresh and your marriage fresh is not keeping score. 513 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:13,520 So Sean and I have a core value in our marriage and in the Smith household called no scorekeeping. 514 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:17,440 And what I mean by that is we are not comparing on who is doing what, 515 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:21,280 how many one of us is doing, or if the other one's doing this or that, 516 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,760 there is no list Sean and I are living by. 517 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:28,640 So we are recognizing each of us are putting forth effort and contributing to the marriage 518 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,240 and leaning into one another. 519 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,960 And yes, there are seasons where Sean might be doing more on this or I might be doing more on that, 520 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:40,640 but we refuse to keep score in the seasons because we recognize that our marriage is not one season. 521 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:44,800 It is decades, a compilation of two lives that are shared. 522 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:49,920 And in the compilation, there are going to be seasons of what it looks like in the roles 523 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:54,960 and even the serving of one another where there's that daily leaning into one another, 524 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:58,160 but it's also going to look different in the years. 525 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:04,880 And so here's just a really practical way is Sean and I don't harp on the mistakes of the past. 526 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:11,920 We don't hold grudges and we don't keep score in the sense of if I'm keeping a list on, 527 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:13,680 I'm doing this or I'm doing that. 528 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,960 Here's what someone told me once and I thought it was such wisdom. 529 00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:20,240 If you keep score, you'll always come out on top Christa. 530 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,480 And that could not be more true. 531 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:26,320 You don't know all the small decisions, all the sacrifices. 532 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:30,400 You don't know the battle that your spouse is going through on that day. 533 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:35,040 You don't know all the ins and outs of all the effort they put forth just to show up that day, 534 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:40,480 to, to be present, to be home at a certain time, to, to do that thing that you asked them to do 535 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:46,000 on that to do list or to do that thing in the house or show up to participate in this, that or 536 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,680 the other, whatever it may be. 537 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:51,840 And we have to understand if you only keep track of all your effort, 538 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:56,320 you're going to see all those quiet, silent sacrifices, all the decisions you made. 539 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,640 And you're always going to be like, wow, look at everything I'm doing, 540 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,040 but you're not seeing everything they're doing. 541 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:06,080 And so if you refuse to keep score, you're allowing an atmosphere that is safe. 542 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:10,720 Because if someone feels like they are going to fail because they're literally on a test, 543 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,640 it's a pass fail system. 544 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:14,400 There, there's not a safety in that. 545 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:21,040 And, and if a lot of personalities, I know want to just quit and resign from even trying 546 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,480 because if they don't feel like they can win, they don't even want to try. 547 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,120 And if you have a score keeping culture in your marriage, 548 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,800 you're actually creating a culture where they don't even want to try anymore. 549 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:35,360 The second thing I would add to how to keep your love fresh in the midst of quarantine 550 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:37,520 is not having a culture of punishment. 551 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:38,080 Say that. 552 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,600 So I want to break this down real quick for you because I think this is a really, 553 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:44,400 really fundamental aspect of Sean and I's marriage. 554 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:48,080 You know, a lot of times people are like, you guys are so fresh in the sense of, 555 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:49,520 you're so lovey-dovey. 556 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:53,440 You know, Sean and I are really intentional about every day telling each other why we 557 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:54,400 love each other. 558 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,240 And it may just be one or two things. 559 00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:01,440 Other days, it may be more extravagant than that, but there's a real appreciation and 560 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:04,400 gratitude and gratefulness to one another. 561 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,840 But there are days where we both do things that the other doesn't like. 562 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,520 We'll say things we the other doesn't like. 563 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:12,400 There are situations that happen where we're like, no, that's not my favorite thing you've 564 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:13,440 ever actually done right now. 565 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:15,680 I don't, I'm not into that. 566 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:19,680 And yet we never change our affection to the person. 567 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:20,880 So this is what I mean. 568 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:27,360 The behavior and the culture between Sean and I of love, appreciation and even verbal 569 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:33,520 affirmation and physical intimacy does not change based on if we like what the other 570 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:34,640 person just did. 571 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,040 I know there's some jobs that are dropping right now. 572 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:42,560 We have a no culture of punishment, which means even if I do something that Sean doesn't 573 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:46,720 like, I know that I can go over and give Sean a hug and he'll hug me back. 574 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:47,920 And it's sincere. 575 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:49,520 It's not stiffed arm. 576 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,960 It's not like, you know, the arms that like aren't engaging. 577 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:55,760 It's not the awkward arms, you know, not hugging me. 578 00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:57,040 It's the, no, I'm going to hug you. 579 00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:58,040 I'm going to embrace you. 580 00:28:58,040 --> 00:28:59,040 I'm going to engage. 581 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:00,040 I'm, I still love you, Christa. 582 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:01,680 I'm still into you. 583 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:05,200 I'm not going to be passive aggressive and I'm not going to slam a door. 584 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:06,200 I'm not going to leave a room. 585 00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:10,680 I'm not going to leave the house without telling you that type of behavior is not allowed in 586 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:16,000 a no culture of punishment home because when you have no culture of punishment, it means 587 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:17,840 that Sean's never in the doghouse. 588 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:19,040 I'm never in the doghouse. 589 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:20,320 We can have disagreements. 590 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:23,200 We can have conflict, but we're still leaning into each other. 591 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:24,200 There's still affection. 592 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:29,120 There's still appreciation and there's still even affirmation because we don't say one 593 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:33,400 situation affects each other's love or covenant to one another. 594 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,480 We're still seeing each other in the context of who we are. 595 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:37,480 That's so true. 596 00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:40,640 And I just want to emphasize, Christa and I, we have had disagreements. 597 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:41,640 Absolutely. 598 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:45,800 We were just talking about today, one of our arguments and even the one we had today was 599 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,840 about the other one felt dismissed. 600 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:48,840 Yeah. 601 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:52,720 That maybe just in that moment, the other one said something, but you know what? 602 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:57,400 These are core values in the Smith household, no scorekeeping, no culture of punishment. 603 00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:00,960 And now I want to give you the third, keep it 100 takeaway to keep your love fresh in 604 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:03,880 the midst of a quarantine, no giving up. 605 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:04,880 Come on. 606 00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,720 When I say no giving up, that has to always be important. 607 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:13,240 You know, right now in the NBA landscape, there were two superstars that both said, 608 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:14,600 Hey, I don't want to be here. 609 00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:15,600 I want to be traded. 610 00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:20,000 Well, yesterday they both were traded for one another because why you can't have that 611 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:23,780 in the locker room that one guy is kind of wanted to be on another team, but he's going 612 00:30:23,780 --> 00:30:28,000 to play out the year because they, everyone says it would destroy the morale of the locker 613 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,000 room. 614 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,320 And so the aspect of bouncing peace out, I'm going to walk out. 615 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:33,320 I'm going to give up. 616 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:37,680 You got to remove that because you've entered into a holy covenant with that spouse. 617 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:42,740 And so what will help you in the no giving up is establish a marital work ethic. 618 00:30:42,740 --> 00:30:47,040 They have found that trouble couples can move towards reconciliation through counseling, 619 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:51,720 married seminars, good books, mentoring relationships, calling up some people, getting some people 620 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,080 to speak into your life. 621 00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:56,040 Hey, take advantage of these outlets. 622 00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:58,640 This is part of establishing a marital work ethic. 623 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,040 Like, Hey, let's just go to a couple's retreat together. 624 00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:04,520 Hey, we're doing good, but let's sit down and have someone speaking to our lives. 625 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:08,360 Share something with some older couples or talk some godly couples. 626 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:13,640 We have the benefit of hanging around Christmas folks that have been married over 50 years 627 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:16,960 and they're going to be spending the holidays with us, but just talking about the things 628 00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,800 that they've done that have helped them. 629 00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:22,920 I think the other thing in no giving up is the commitment to stay married. 630 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:25,720 They found an interviews with couples whose marriages improve. 631 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:30,440 Some said they didn't necessarily do something extra in the area of work on their marriages. 632 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:35,800 Instead, they just stood strong or they, in biblical terminology, they endured them. 633 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,360 The couples reported that over time their problems got better. 634 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:42,680 Now, I'm not talking about trying to outlast your marital problems through stubborn willpower, 635 00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:46,840 but I am talking about a commitment to stay together no matter what. 636 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:51,400 And when you stay together and you have that as kind of your core value, it can serve as 637 00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:54,480 a foundation for finding ways to improve your marriage. 638 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:58,080 And I just want to say right now to someone, even you're thinking about giving up, don't 639 00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:04,120 give up, begin to work on it because happiness is not promised by getting free and going 640 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:05,960 and being with someone else. 641 00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:09,360 Happiness is not really about how you feel. 642 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:14,680 It's about staying in a place where you've made love the choice, not the chemical. 643 00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:16,240 Ooh, come on. 644 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:20,880 I love what you just dropped because when our Keep It One Heart Tribe grabs ahold of 645 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:25,360 what's shared today, truly I believe marriages can and will be changed. 646 00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:30,880 We are our prayer and our hope in this episode is that your marriage is actually transformed 647 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:34,920 through the application of what's been shared today because we believe marriages were created 648 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:38,760 to thrive even in pressure cooker seasons. 649 00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:39,760 They can thrive. 650 00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:40,760 Why? 651 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:45,960 Because God can utilize the most intense situations to create the diamonds and the rough. 652 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:50,760 And we want you to know that even in the pressure, God is making something beautiful. 653 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:54,280 As always, Keep It One Heart Tribe, thanks so much for tuning in, for taking the time 654 00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:57,840 to be with us every single Tuesday when a new episode drops. 655 00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:02,040 Make sure and subscribe if you haven't already so you're alerted when a new episode comes 656 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:05,120 out and continue to rate, review, and refer. 657 00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:08,440 And share links of our episodes on your social media platforms. 658 00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:13,240 Let's get the word out there because we believe these episodes in this podcast can truly disciple 659 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:15,720 people in wanting to go deeper in their walk with God. 660 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:18,280 Check us out on www.SeanAndChristasmith.com. 661 00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:21,000 Find us at Facebook at Sean and Christa Smith Ministries. 662 00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:24,240 We love hearing how this podcast has impacted you. 663 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:28,560 We want to thank you personally that we just got some stats on how many downloads we have 664 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:30,600 from our representative for our podcast. 665 00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:35,760 And we had a record month and it is being listened to and downloaded all over the globe. 666 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:36,760 Thank you so much. 667 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:37,760 You guys are getting the word out. 668 00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:38,760 You're really helping us. 669 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:39,760 So grateful. 670 00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:42,720 And also Keep It One Heart, you do not want to miss next week because we're going to talk 671 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:46,160 about the one thing, one thing you need to have in your house. 672 00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:49,960 It's more important than your tree, your bread stuffing, or your presence. 673 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,480 And it will be the game changer this holiday season. 674 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:56,920 So remember, relief may change your circumstance, but a revelation will change you.