WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.319 No one tells you how hard it is to watch the 00:00:02.319 --> 00:00:05.679 one you love, the one you married, the one you 00:00:05.679 --> 00:00:09.279 thought you'd be with forever. Slowly waste away 00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:15.220 and die. Eric was my heart, my everything. Four 00:00:15.220 --> 00:00:19.019 years ago, he was diagnosed with cancer. We thought 00:00:19.019 --> 00:00:23.059 we could save him, maybe even get it out. Stage 00:00:23.059 --> 00:00:26.660 three. It's supposed to be better, right? But 00:00:26.660 --> 00:00:30.230 no, it got worse. And now everything has changed 00:00:30.230 --> 00:00:32.750 for us. I've been taking care of him for the 00:00:32.750 --> 00:00:35.869 last three years and it's exhausting. But I get 00:00:35.869 --> 00:00:38.670 to spend more time with him. At least before 00:00:38.670 --> 00:00:42.869 he dies. We don't have any kids. That's fine. 00:00:43.350 --> 00:00:47.130 I guess. He got his diagnosis two years after 00:00:47.130 --> 00:00:51.149 our marriage. But I want to say I'm mad. Angry 00:00:51.149 --> 00:00:53.390 that I don't get to have another piece of him. 00:00:53.990 --> 00:00:55.909 Angry that there won't be a little version of 00:00:55.909 --> 00:01:00.170 us running around. But it is what it is. And 00:01:00.170 --> 00:01:03.570 I have to accept that. The bills are piling up 00:01:03.570 --> 00:01:06.609 because I don't work anymore. He used to be an 00:01:06.609 --> 00:01:09.150 engineer, so at least his savings and benefits 00:01:09.150 --> 00:01:12.250 are what's taking care of us now. I don't know 00:01:12.250 --> 00:01:15.090 how long it will last. Maybe after his death, 00:01:15.170 --> 00:01:17.810 the life insurance will pay. But I don't want 00:01:17.810 --> 00:01:21.329 to think about that right now. Two weeks ago, 00:01:21.590 --> 00:01:24.370 Eric took a turn for the worse. He started coughing 00:01:24.370 --> 00:01:26.430 in the middle of the night. and I had to call 00:01:26.430 --> 00:01:29.189 the ambulance. They said there's nothing else 00:01:29.189 --> 00:01:31.909 they can do for him, that I need to consider 00:01:31.909 --> 00:01:36.329 hospice care. I didn't want to do it. But seeing 00:01:36.329 --> 00:01:39.129 him like that, without the proper medication 00:01:39.129 --> 00:01:43.709 to ease his pain, killed me inside. So I did 00:01:43.709 --> 00:01:48.010 what they said. Eric seems better now. Well, 00:01:48.530 --> 00:01:51.890 he spoke to me today. He seemed more sprightly, 00:01:52.189 --> 00:01:55.099 almost like he was getting better. We had a long 00:01:55.099 --> 00:01:57.140 chat and took a walk outside on the terrace. 00:01:58.040 --> 00:02:00.359 Honestly, it's the best time we've had in months. 00:02:01.200 --> 00:02:05.760 Let's just hope it stays like that. Unfortunately, 00:02:06.420 --> 00:02:08.919 our time was up and I had to leave to go to the 00:02:08.919 --> 00:02:12.659 supermarket. The house was basically empty and 00:02:12.659 --> 00:02:15.879 I hadn't had time to shop. Now I'm standing in 00:02:15.879 --> 00:02:18.759 the supermarket in a daze because I usually shop 00:02:18.759 --> 00:02:23.069 for two. But now I'm shopping for one. I pick 00:02:23.069 --> 00:02:27.069 up a few items, then put some back. By the time 00:02:27.069 --> 00:02:30.650 I get to the cashier, Brandon is there, standing 00:02:30.650 --> 00:02:33.909 at the front of the line. Brandon is my neighbor, 00:02:34.689 --> 00:02:39.650 tall, dark, and handsome. A girl's dream. He 00:02:39.650 --> 00:02:41.789 has been my neighbor for some time, actually. 00:02:42.430 --> 00:02:45.750 We met him when we first moved in. He's kind 00:02:45.750 --> 00:02:49.710 and sweet, always helpful. Ever since he heard 00:02:49.710 --> 00:02:52.840 about Eric's diagnosis, He's been offering to 00:02:52.840 --> 00:02:56.120 help in any way he can. Two days ago he mowed 00:02:56.120 --> 00:02:59.560 the lawn, and I was grateful. I finished paying 00:02:59.560 --> 00:03:02.280 for my groceries, and he's standing by the door. 00:03:03.080 --> 00:03:06.060 I push my trolley toward him. Do you need help 00:03:06.060 --> 00:03:10.419 with that? I think I'm fine. You don't look fine. 00:03:10.460 --> 00:03:14.419 How's Eric? He's good. We spoke today, and he 00:03:14.419 --> 00:03:16.860 seemed more sprightly. That's a good sign, right? 00:03:17.979 --> 00:03:20.539 Brandon's face drops, like he knows something 00:03:20.539 --> 00:03:25.030 I don't. Have you ever heard of the surge? The 00:03:25.030 --> 00:03:30.110 surge? Never mind. I'll walk you to your car. 00:03:30.949 --> 00:03:33.530 I nod, because I'm not in the mood to argue. 00:03:34.270 --> 00:03:37.090 As we roll toward the car in silence, all I can 00:03:37.090 --> 00:03:41.449 think about is what he said. The surge? What 00:03:41.449 --> 00:03:45.270 is that? At the car, he helps me pack the groceries 00:03:45.270 --> 00:03:49.069 into the trunk. What's the surge? I ask again. 00:03:49.530 --> 00:03:54.080 It's nothing. Forget it. I stare at him, wanting 00:03:54.080 --> 00:03:56.800 to know what he's really talking about, but he 00:03:56.800 --> 00:03:59.699 brushes it off again. I push my trolley toward 00:03:59.699 --> 00:04:02.560 the cart return, and Brandon is still there. 00:04:03.340 --> 00:04:06.759 He's so patient, but sometimes it kind of irks 00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:10.740 me. Thanks. I mutter before starting the car, 00:04:11.379 --> 00:04:13.879 and like the gentleman he is, he walks off when 00:04:13.879 --> 00:04:17.180 I drive off. When I pull into my driveway, I'm 00:04:17.180 --> 00:04:20.420 surprised to see him right behind me. Brandon 00:04:20.420 --> 00:04:22.980 gets out. grabs a few of my bags and follows 00:04:22.980 --> 00:04:27.220 me inside. You can put them on the counter. He 00:04:27.220 --> 00:04:29.740 sets them down, glancing around the kitchen. 00:04:30.420 --> 00:04:33.740 I'm not sure what he's looking for. It's just 00:04:33.740 --> 00:04:37.040 me here. But this is the third time he's been 00:04:37.040 --> 00:04:40.319 inside my house. The first was when a squirrel 00:04:40.319 --> 00:04:43.319 got in through the cabinet vent. I called him 00:04:43.319 --> 00:04:46.420 and he came without hesitation. The second was 00:04:46.420 --> 00:04:48.680 when I couldn't find the main after a pipe burst 00:04:48.680 --> 00:04:51.500 in the kitchen. He'd found it and shut it off 00:04:51.500 --> 00:04:55.680 so I could call the plumber. And now, he's here 00:04:55.680 --> 00:05:01.319 again. I'm grateful. So, how are you doing? No 00:05:01.319 --> 00:05:04.040 one ever asks me that. They only ever ask about 00:05:04.040 --> 00:05:08.980 Eric. I'm fine, I guess. Are you sure? If you 00:05:08.980 --> 00:05:10.740 want to talk or if you need help with anything, 00:05:10.879 --> 00:05:15.779 I'm here. Just call me, okay? I nod again. I'm 00:05:15.779 --> 00:05:21.139 serious. Yes. I'll call you, Brandon. Alright, 00:05:21.279 --> 00:05:24.740 I'll see you, okay? I walk him to the door and 00:05:24.740 --> 00:05:27.740 close it behind him. Then I rush back to the 00:05:27.740 --> 00:05:30.240 counter, pull out my phone and search for the 00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:34.560 word. Shit. I grip the edge of the counter as 00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:39.560 my heart starts pounding. Fuck. Fuck. It's nothing 00:05:39.560 --> 00:05:43.019 good. I sit at the kitchen counter for god knows 00:05:43.019 --> 00:05:46.689 how long, crying my eyes out. until I finally 00:05:46.689 --> 00:05:49.769 gain enough courage to get up and shower. By 00:05:49.769 --> 00:05:53.170 the time I step out, my phone is ringing. Three 00:05:53.170 --> 00:05:57.449 missed calls. I answer, and it's the hospice. 00:05:58.170 --> 00:06:01.410 Mrs. Bellup, you need to get here now. The phone 00:06:01.410 --> 00:06:06.069 slips from my hand. Fuck, he's dying. He's fucking 00:06:06.069 --> 00:06:10.329 dying on me. Shit. I throw on clothes and head 00:06:10.329 --> 00:06:13.790 downstairs. My keys slip from my trembling hands. 00:06:14.269 --> 00:06:17.389 I can't see through the blur of tears. Everything 00:06:17.389 --> 00:06:20.670 is hazy. I fumble for my phone and call Brandon. 00:06:21.430 --> 00:06:27.230 He answers, his voice groggy. Shawna? It's the 00:06:27.230 --> 00:06:31.430 hospice. They called. It's Eric. I don't think 00:06:31.430 --> 00:06:37.430 I can drive. His voice sharpens. Okay, yes. Give 00:06:37.430 --> 00:06:41.189 me five minutes, okay? I slide down to the floor, 00:06:41.649 --> 00:06:44.569 my back against the counter. Brandon's at my 00:06:44.569 --> 00:06:50.110 door in three. My car or yours? I just nod. Okay. 00:06:50.910 --> 00:06:54.850 I'll bring my car closer. We pull up to the hospice. 00:06:55.449 --> 00:06:58.810 My head is pounding with a nasty headache. Before 00:06:58.810 --> 00:07:02.430 I get out, Brandon leans over. I'll be right 00:07:02.430 --> 00:07:04.550 out here. Just let me know when you're ready. 00:07:05.569 --> 00:07:08.970 I nod again. He has no idea I might faint the 00:07:08.970 --> 00:07:11.750 moment I walk through those doors. But I make 00:07:11.750 --> 00:07:17.110 it inside. It's too late. Eric is gone. Gone! 00:07:18.230 --> 00:07:20.629 Nothing prepared me for seeing his lifeless body 00:07:20.629 --> 00:07:24.490 on that bed. I knew he was sick. But why did 00:07:24.490 --> 00:07:27.850 he leave without saying goodbye? Why did he fucking 00:07:27.850 --> 00:07:32.610 die without saying goodbye to me? Fuck! I reach 00:07:32.610 --> 00:07:37.470 for him, shaking him. No response. Damn it, Eric. 00:07:37.670 --> 00:07:41.509 Why would you go before I got here? Why? I stay 00:07:41.509 --> 00:07:45.370 there for a while. lying next to him. It's late, 00:07:45.990 --> 00:07:48.589 after two in the morning, and I should be getting 00:07:48.589 --> 00:07:52.110 home. I don't even know if Brandon's still outside. 00:07:53.029 --> 00:07:56.149 My stomach twists. I meet with the head of the 00:07:56.149 --> 00:07:59.430 hospice about funeral arrangements. Eric wanted 00:07:59.430 --> 00:08:03.050 to be cremated, so I'll honor that. It'll happen 00:08:03.050 --> 00:08:06.709 in less than three days. When I walk outside, 00:08:07.250 --> 00:08:09.910 Brandon is still there. slouched in the cold 00:08:09.910 --> 00:08:12.449 car with his seat reclined as if he's been sleeping. 00:08:13.250 --> 00:08:15.829 He's a dental surgeon. He should be resting. 00:08:16.509 --> 00:08:19.970 I slip into the car and he sits upright. He doesn't 00:08:19.970 --> 00:08:28.189 have to ask. He knows. He says softly, No point 00:08:28.189 --> 00:08:31.209 talking about it. No point sharing any feelings. 00:08:32.370 --> 00:08:37.049 Right now, I'm numb. The ride is silent. Brandon 00:08:37.049 --> 00:08:39.470 follows me to the door and I tell him I'm fine, 00:08:39.730 --> 00:08:43.710 but he doesn't buy it. Shauna, it's okay to grieve. 00:08:43.889 --> 00:08:48.629 Please. I unlock the door and step inside. Then 00:08:48.629 --> 00:08:52.330 the anger hits me. I turn, pounding my fists 00:08:52.330 --> 00:08:56.230 against his chest. Why did he leave? Why didn't 00:08:56.230 --> 00:08:59.610 he wait until I got there? He just died. He just 00:08:59.610 --> 00:09:02.330 fucking died without me. He didn't even wait. 00:09:03.230 --> 00:09:06.480 I collapse, but Brandon catches me. holding me 00:09:06.480 --> 00:09:11.220 up that's just how things are i deserved at least 00:09:11.220 --> 00:09:14.820 a goodbye why was it so hard to just wait i'm 00:09:14.820 --> 00:09:19.000 sorry i pull away from him go i need to be by 00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:24.600 myself right now are you sure i said leave i'm 00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:28.320 just a phone call away or you can walk over i'll 00:09:28.320 --> 00:09:33.059 answer i don't need your pity shauna i'm not 00:09:33.059 --> 00:09:37.860 i slam the door in his face It's been weeks since 00:09:37.860 --> 00:09:41.500 Eric's funeral, and nothing feels the same. I've 00:09:41.500 --> 00:09:45.000 spent most of my days lying in bed. I can't even 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:48.440 smell him anymore. And that's the fucked up part. 00:09:49.100 --> 00:09:52.519 It's like he was here. But now he doesn't exist 00:09:52.519 --> 00:09:56.620 at all. No trace of him. I reach for his jacket 00:09:56.620 --> 00:09:59.559 in the cupboard and press it to my face. It's 00:09:59.559 --> 00:10:03.320 insane, because he hasn't worn it in years. But 00:10:03.320 --> 00:10:05.820 I'm desperate for anything that still feels like 00:10:05.820 --> 00:10:09.759 him. I don't know what to do with myself. My 00:10:09.759 --> 00:10:13.240 meals are nothing but yogurt and fruit. Brandon 00:10:13.240 --> 00:10:16.980 has tried. He doesn't come over, not unless he's 00:10:16.980 --> 00:10:20.080 invited. But he's been sending packages of food, 00:10:20.580 --> 00:10:24.480 soups, juices. I can't bring myself to eat them 00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:27.879 so they just sit there until they go bad. Another 00:10:27.879 --> 00:10:32.299 week passes in a blur, sadly. I'm still in bed, 00:10:32.340 --> 00:10:35.139 and it's after 11 a .m., when the sound of a 00:10:35.139 --> 00:10:38.919 motor jolts me awake. I peek outside to see Brandon 00:10:38.919 --> 00:10:43.200 mowing my lawn. He's almost finished. Had I slept 00:10:43.200 --> 00:10:47.320 through most of it? His dedication is, I don't 00:10:47.320 --> 00:10:51.519 even know. Brandon's a divorcee. His wife left 00:10:51.519 --> 00:10:55.360 him two years ago. She found someone else. He 00:10:55.360 --> 00:10:58.080 took it in strides, and I think he's doing fairly 00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:02.820 well. Much better than me anyway. Now, living 00:11:02.820 --> 00:11:05.460 just across the street, he's found time to do 00:11:05.460 --> 00:11:08.879 things. Things that somehow include helping me. 00:11:09.899 --> 00:11:13.519 I take a quick shower and head downstairs. Brandon's 00:11:13.519 --> 00:11:15.820 out front now, pulling weeds from the corner 00:11:15.820 --> 00:11:19.340 of the house. I fill a jug and a glass with water, 00:11:19.779 --> 00:11:23.039 then carry it out to him. He smiles when he sees 00:11:23.039 --> 00:11:28.049 me, but I don't smile back. Here. You might need 00:11:28.049 --> 00:11:32.090 this, I say, handing him the glass. Thanks, I 00:11:32.090 --> 00:11:35.610 just... I saw the grass getting overgrown and 00:11:35.610 --> 00:11:39.009 I thought... It's okay, thanks. He gives me a 00:11:39.009 --> 00:11:42.029 small smile, finishes the water, and goes back 00:11:42.029 --> 00:11:45.289 to working in the grass. I head back inside, 00:11:45.830 --> 00:11:48.730 curl up on the couch, and pull a duvet over me. 00:11:49.330 --> 00:11:52.850 I don't turn on the TV, I just stare blankly. 00:11:53.649 --> 00:11:57.179 I still can't believe Eric is gone. His urn sits 00:11:57.179 --> 00:12:00.019 on the mantle, and sometimes I feel like it shouldn't 00:12:00.019 --> 00:12:03.860 even be there. Someone recommended I see a therapist, 00:12:04.279 --> 00:12:06.539 but I can't bring myself to do that right now. 00:12:07.379 --> 00:12:12.159 Right now, I just want... to be. But I know I'll 00:12:12.159 --> 00:12:15.120 have to find a job soon. I used to work as an 00:12:15.120 --> 00:12:17.820 assistant executive secretary, but when Eric 00:12:17.820 --> 00:12:21.299 got sick, I resigned. The bills aren't going 00:12:21.299 --> 00:12:23.320 to pay themselves, so I'll have to get back out 00:12:23.320 --> 00:12:27.299 there. I just... I don't feel like doing anything 00:12:27.299 --> 00:12:31.159 right now. I hear a faint noise. And when I get 00:12:31.159 --> 00:12:34.860 up, the whole house is in darkness. I must have 00:12:34.860 --> 00:12:37.519 fallen asleep. It's already after six in the 00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:41.659 evening. The sound comes again. A knock at the 00:12:41.659 --> 00:12:44.960 door. I drag myself up and open it groggily. 00:12:45.919 --> 00:12:48.700 Brandon stands there, a worried look on his face. 00:12:49.860 --> 00:12:54.039 Shana, are you okay? I nod. The house is still 00:12:54.039 --> 00:12:57.120 dark, and I'm not sure what's going on. I was 00:12:57.120 --> 00:13:02.200 asleep. Sorry. No, don't apologize. I was just 00:13:02.200 --> 00:13:05.679 checking in. Have you eaten? I shake my head. 00:13:06.279 --> 00:13:09.159 I don't have much of a stomach. He holds up a 00:13:09.159 --> 00:13:12.500 brown bag. I ordered some food for you. Is that 00:13:12.500 --> 00:13:16.860 okay? I take it from him. Thanks. Well, at least 00:13:16.860 --> 00:13:19.860 you're okay. I'll be leaving you now, but don't 00:13:19.860 --> 00:13:23.659 forget to put on some light, okay? I nod, and 00:13:23.659 --> 00:13:27.299 as he starts to walk away, I stop him. Wait, 00:13:27.740 --> 00:13:33.220 have you eaten too? I was just about to. Do you 00:13:33.220 --> 00:13:37.159 want to eat with me? He looks at me like he's 00:13:37.159 --> 00:13:40.299 making sure I mean it. I hold the bag up and 00:13:40.299 --> 00:13:43.639 shake it a little with a forced smile. Okay, 00:13:44.240 --> 00:13:46.460 let me just close my door and stuff. I'll be 00:13:46.460 --> 00:13:49.940 right back. I flick on all the lights and move 00:13:49.940 --> 00:13:53.279 to the dining table. It's a small table for two, 00:13:53.779 --> 00:13:55.980 just enough for a couple, because that's what 00:13:55.980 --> 00:13:59.000 Eric and I were. I set the food on the table. 00:13:59.860 --> 00:14:03.539 A minute later, Brandon returns. When Brandon 00:14:03.539 --> 00:14:06.240 opens the bag, the smell of mac and cheese and 00:14:06.240 --> 00:14:09.860 barbecue chicken fills the air. My stomach growls 00:14:09.860 --> 00:14:13.240 madly. I hadn't been hungry before, but now I 00:14:13.240 --> 00:14:18.220 feel it. It smells so good. We begin eating in 00:14:18.220 --> 00:14:21.159 silence. And halfway through the meal, I ask, 00:14:22.100 --> 00:14:26.379 So, how's work going? Brandon nods, swallows. 00:14:27.159 --> 00:14:30.740 Good, actually. I just took on two interns. Well, 00:14:30.740 --> 00:14:33.279 not really interns. They're finished, but I let 00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:36.240 them rent the space and do their own thing. I'm 00:14:36.240 --> 00:14:38.259 trying to move more into a managerial role, if 00:14:38.259 --> 00:14:41.059 I can call it that. I want to run the dental 00:14:41.059 --> 00:14:42.960 business without being there every single day, 00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:45.159 just for special requests or major surgeries. 00:14:45.840 --> 00:14:48.940 It gives me more time for myself. and for other 00:14:48.940 --> 00:14:54.340 things. Oh, okay, I see. So your assistant is 00:14:54.340 --> 00:14:57.879 handling everything, I guess. I'm genuinely concerned, 00:14:57.879 --> 00:14:59.820 but I also want to know if he's in need of an 00:14:59.820 --> 00:15:03.519 assistant or something. Yep. Always wanted to 00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:05.820 be my own boss, so this way I can still do my 00:15:05.820 --> 00:15:09.960 work, but on my own timing. He pauses. What about 00:15:09.960 --> 00:15:13.779 you? Planning to get back to work? I set my bowl 00:15:13.779 --> 00:15:17.000 of mac and cheese down. I haven't really found 00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:20.879 a job yet. I plan to look, but... He leans forward. 00:15:21.679 --> 00:15:24.419 I have a friend, well, a colleague, who's looking 00:15:24.419 --> 00:15:27.019 to hire an assistant. Maybe I can put them on 00:15:27.019 --> 00:15:30.820 to you. I smile for the first time in a long 00:15:30.820 --> 00:15:35.940 time. That would be really great. Thanks. He 00:15:35.940 --> 00:15:39.360 grins. Sometimes I wonder what I'd really do 00:15:39.360 --> 00:15:43.139 without you. The words slip out, and I regret 00:15:43.139 --> 00:15:46.429 them instantly. But Brandon doesn't say a thing. 00:15:46.830 --> 00:15:50.909 He just smiles. We finish eating in silence. 00:15:51.669 --> 00:15:55.029 Brandon, being the gentleman he always is, clears 00:15:55.029 --> 00:15:58.429 the table. Even though I insist on washing the 00:15:58.429 --> 00:16:01.330 dishes, he does it himself and then takes out 00:16:01.330 --> 00:16:05.909 the trash. At the door, he smiles. Well, have 00:16:05.909 --> 00:16:09.389 a good night. I enjoyed dinner. As usual, if 00:16:09.389 --> 00:16:12.850 you need anything, don't hesitate to call. I 00:16:12.850 --> 00:16:16.169 nod. I wait until he closes his front door before 00:16:16.169 --> 00:16:19.090 heading upstairs for a shower. I get into the 00:16:19.090 --> 00:16:23.809 shower and five minutes in. I'm screaming. The 00:16:23.809 --> 00:16:27.070 water has stopped. I knew it would happen someday. 00:16:27.710 --> 00:16:31.669 But not today. Not this week. Not this month. 00:16:32.490 --> 00:16:35.789 Not when I'm still trying to get over Eric. I 00:16:35.789 --> 00:16:39.250 slump into the tub, skin wet and half soapy, 00:16:39.490 --> 00:16:42.529 trying to control myself. This was the one thing 00:16:42.529 --> 00:16:47.149 he always fixed, even when he was sick. I stare 00:16:47.149 --> 00:16:49.889 up at the shower head as the last drip splashes 00:16:49.889 --> 00:16:53.450 against my face. I don't know how to fix it, 00:16:53.750 --> 00:16:57.509 because Eric had always been the one. I slap 00:16:57.509 --> 00:17:01.370 it, twist the knob off and back on. Still nothing. 00:17:02.470 --> 00:17:06.549 Fuck. Angry, I storm out, wrapped in a towel 00:17:06.549 --> 00:17:09.619 and head downstairs to the guest bathroom. Since 00:17:09.619 --> 00:17:12.859 then, I've been bathing downstairs. But whenever 00:17:12.859 --> 00:17:15.279 I forget and turn on the broken shower upstairs, 00:17:15.859 --> 00:17:18.839 it cuts me open again. I don't even brush my 00:17:18.839 --> 00:17:20.960 teeth in there anymore because it makes me emotional. 00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:24.420 Now I'm wondering if I should just move downstairs. 00:17:25.140 --> 00:17:27.460 It's been weeks, and I still haven't gotten the 00:17:27.460 --> 00:17:30.380 shower to work. On the bright side, I've got 00:17:30.380 --> 00:17:33.940 a job now, thanks to Brandon. He'd been out of 00:17:33.940 --> 00:17:36.039 town for a dental conference, but he came back 00:17:36.039 --> 00:17:39.160 yesterday. Somehow, just knowing he's home makes 00:17:39.160 --> 00:17:42.259 me feel better. I shouldn't feel this excited, 00:17:42.319 --> 00:17:46.319 but I do. Maybe it's the company. Maybe it's 00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:50.779 just him. After a long day at work, I cross through 00:17:50.779 --> 00:17:54.480 the living room and nearly faint. A huge spider, 00:17:55.099 --> 00:17:58.160 bigger than my hand, is plastered to the wall. 00:17:59.059 --> 00:18:01.000 The whole neighborhood must have heard me scream 00:18:01.000 --> 00:18:04.980 when it jumped. I bolt outside, breathless, and 00:18:04.980 --> 00:18:08.380 collapse onto the patio. There's no way I'm going 00:18:08.380 --> 00:18:12.180 back in there with that thing. Fuck that. If 00:18:12.180 --> 00:18:15.839 Eric had been alive, I squeeze my eyes shut, 00:18:16.140 --> 00:18:20.960 stifling my thoughts. God, not again. I cover 00:18:20.960 --> 00:18:25.259 my face, stifling another wave of tears. My therapist 00:18:25.259 --> 00:18:28.640 says I need to let the feelings happen, acknowledge 00:18:28.640 --> 00:18:31.819 the grief when it comes, but not when I'm outside, 00:18:32.579 --> 00:18:35.859 not when everyone's watching. So I get up and 00:18:35.859 --> 00:18:39.240 start walking. I circle the block, something 00:18:39.240 --> 00:18:43.000 I haven't done in years. And when I return, Brandon 00:18:43.000 --> 00:18:45.880 is pulling into his driveway. He's wearing a 00:18:45.880 --> 00:18:48.720 gray t -shirt and track pants, sweat darkening 00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:51.740 the fabric. He spots me sitting on the steps 00:18:51.740 --> 00:18:55.299 and looks surprised. He checks his watch, then 00:18:55.299 --> 00:18:58.819 back at me. It's nearly eight, already dark, 00:18:59.039 --> 00:19:03.359 so I know he's definitely confused. I smile nervously. 00:19:03.880 --> 00:19:09.220 Had fun at the gym. Yeah Are you okay? I shake 00:19:09.220 --> 00:19:13.259 my head guilt rushing in Not really. There's 00:19:13.259 --> 00:19:16.680 a giant spider in my living room. I came home 00:19:16.680 --> 00:19:22.339 and it was just there so I'm out here So you've 00:19:22.339 --> 00:19:26.039 been sitting out here all this time I Nod and 00:19:26.039 --> 00:19:28.960 he laughs again shaking his head You could have 00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:32.119 called me. I Didn't want to interrupt your workout, 00:19:32.119 --> 00:19:35.200 but Shauna You're sitting outside in the dark. 00:19:36.380 --> 00:19:39.920 I... I took a walk, first in years. Isn't that 00:19:39.920 --> 00:19:43.420 a good thing? Yeah, but... Brandon shakes his 00:19:43.420 --> 00:19:45.400 head again and walks past me into the house. 00:19:46.200 --> 00:19:51.819 Where is it? I don't have a clue. Seconds later... 00:19:51.819 --> 00:19:55.359 There it is. I scream when I see it running towards 00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:59.519 the standing lamp. It's not that big. For you. 00:20:00.180 --> 00:20:03.589 And somehow, like it's nothing. He walks right 00:20:03.589 --> 00:20:07.950 up and grabs the damn thing. I yelp. How? How 00:20:07.950 --> 00:20:11.109 can you even do that? I bolt to the far side 00:20:11.109 --> 00:20:14.210 of the room as he ushers it out. Kill it. I yell. 00:20:14.690 --> 00:20:17.930 Don't just release it. It'll come back. It's 00:20:17.930 --> 00:20:21.470 harmless. I'll let it go in my yard. It can just 00:20:21.470 --> 00:20:26.069 cross the street. He laughs. I doubt it. I don't 00:20:26.069 --> 00:20:28.670 want it here. If it comes back, I'll blame you. 00:20:29.730 --> 00:20:32.109 He disappears outside and returns a moment later. 00:20:32.460 --> 00:20:36.660 All good? For now. But what if it laid eggs? 00:20:37.539 --> 00:20:40.339 He laughs out loud. Then I'll come and get them 00:20:40.339 --> 00:20:45.380 one by one. I eye him. Brandon can be such a 00:20:45.380 --> 00:20:49.579 charm. Still, I'm glad he's my neighbor. Well, 00:20:49.859 --> 00:20:52.259 if that's all, I'm gonna take a shower. Pretty 00:20:52.259 --> 00:20:57.819 sure you can smell me. No, I can't. Yeah, mhm. 00:20:59.079 --> 00:21:02.769 He heads toward the door. Wait! I say. scratching 00:21:02.769 --> 00:21:07.349 the back of my neck. What's up? My shower, it's 00:21:07.349 --> 00:21:10.230 not working. Eric used to tinker with it, but 00:21:10.230 --> 00:21:14.869 now... It's fine. I can look at it. My dad was 00:21:14.869 --> 00:21:17.410 a plumber. I worked with him during summers. 00:21:18.190 --> 00:21:22.490 I can fix things, you know. Really? Then why'd 00:21:22.490 --> 00:21:24.970 you tell me to call a plumber when the pipe burst 00:21:24.970 --> 00:21:28.170 in the kitchen? Out of respect. I didn't want 00:21:28.170 --> 00:21:32.839 to overstep. It would have been fine. We stare 00:21:32.839 --> 00:21:35.859 at each other as the silence grows heavier. We 00:21:35.859 --> 00:21:39.200 both know what the elephant in the room is. Eric 00:21:39.200 --> 00:21:41.880 was still alive at the time, and inviting the 00:21:41.880 --> 00:21:44.079 handsome neighbor over to do things for me might 00:21:44.079 --> 00:21:47.660 send the wrong signal to him. But Eric isn't 00:21:47.660 --> 00:21:51.420 like that. He's not the jealous type. He would 00:21:51.420 --> 00:21:53.440 have been grateful to Brandon for even making 00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:56.700 my life a little easier. But he doesn't know 00:21:56.700 --> 00:22:02.009 that. Finally, Brandon clears his throat. So, 00:22:02.650 --> 00:22:07.069 where's the shower? Ah, upstairs. I usher Brandon 00:22:07.069 --> 00:22:09.829 upstairs to my matrimonial bedroom, and somehow 00:22:09.829 --> 00:22:13.630 it feels wrong. Almost like a sin. Like I'm about 00:22:13.630 --> 00:22:15.910 to defile something sacred by letting another 00:22:15.910 --> 00:22:19.589 man, one who is not my husband, step into this 00:22:19.589 --> 00:22:23.690 space. I show him the bathroom, keeping my distance. 00:22:24.670 --> 00:22:29.670 So it just stopped? I nod. It usually does that 00:22:29.670 --> 00:22:32.329 ever since we moved here sometimes it works for 00:22:32.329 --> 00:22:35.829 weeks and then suddenly I sit in the side chair 00:22:35.829 --> 00:22:39.329 watching him feel around Then he steps into the 00:22:39.329 --> 00:22:42.529 tub. I nearly jump out of my skin when he taps 00:22:42.529 --> 00:22:45.589 the shower head and the water sprays down drenching 00:22:45.589 --> 00:22:49.630 him Shit, I rush over and immediately regret 00:22:49.630 --> 00:22:53.089 it He manages to shut it off, but I can't shut 00:22:53.089 --> 00:22:56.960 my eyes Brandon is soaked his gray cotton t -shirt 00:22:56.960 --> 00:23:00.660 plastered to his body. And God help me, every 00:23:00.660 --> 00:23:05.640 line of his chest and abs are on display. He 00:23:05.640 --> 00:23:08.240 clears his throat, breaking my shameful gaze. 00:23:09.039 --> 00:23:13.200 Flushed, I turn away, shielding my face. Sorry, 00:23:13.339 --> 00:23:17.599 good God, I'm so sorry. Brandon chuckles softly. 00:23:18.420 --> 00:23:23.579 Shauna, it's fine. It's not. This, this is tasteless. 00:23:23.819 --> 00:23:26.519 My husband isn't even gone three months and here 00:23:26.519 --> 00:23:31.599 I am staring at you like, like that. I storm 00:23:31.599 --> 00:23:35.279 out of the bathroom. He follows, gently resting 00:23:35.279 --> 00:23:39.039 his hand on my shoulder. It's fine. Don't beat 00:23:39.039 --> 00:23:43.359 yourself up. You're only human. I shake my head. 00:23:44.059 --> 00:23:47.680 It wasn't right. Guilt floods me, twisting my 00:23:47.680 --> 00:23:52.390 stomach. Eric, he didn't deserve this. Maybe 00:23:52.390 --> 00:23:56.390 this was a bad idea. You should go but it's working 00:23:56.390 --> 00:24:01.769 now. Thanks Shauna I Brandon, please please go 00:24:01.769 --> 00:24:05.289 I Shove him lightly toward the door. I don't 00:24:05.289 --> 00:24:09.609 follow He knows his way out Collapsing onto the 00:24:09.609 --> 00:24:12.269 couch beside the bed. I reach for the photo frame 00:24:12.269 --> 00:24:15.809 of Eric and me Why is it so hard to live without 00:24:15.809 --> 00:24:20.549 him? Why did he have to leave me? Why him? The 00:24:20.549 --> 00:24:23.910 world is cruel, and it chose me to be its victim. 00:24:25.069 --> 00:24:29.130 I miss him. God, I miss Eric every single day. 00:24:29.890 --> 00:24:33.529 And yet, the way I looked at Brandon's body, 00:24:34.130 --> 00:24:37.289 how it stirred something in me, fills me with 00:24:37.289 --> 00:24:43.069 shame. There's no excuse. None. I set the frame 00:24:43.069 --> 00:24:46.069 back on the nightstand. From beneath the bed, 00:24:46.380 --> 00:24:49.380 I pull out the old keepsake box Eric and I once 00:24:49.380 --> 00:24:52.500 filled with trinkets of our life together. I 00:24:52.500 --> 00:24:55.279 stopped adding to it when he got sick. Nothing 00:24:55.279 --> 00:24:58.019 felt fun anymore, not when he couldn't share 00:24:58.019 --> 00:25:02.380 it. The box has shifted deep under the bed, and 00:25:02.380 --> 00:25:05.680 I have to use a hanger to pull it free. Maybe 00:25:05.680 --> 00:25:07.880 seeing our memories again will ease the ache. 00:25:09.019 --> 00:25:11.440 My breath hitches when I notice a green envelope 00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:15.019 resting on top. My hands shake as I fumble it 00:25:15.019 --> 00:25:20.450 open. A letter from Eric, written a year ago. 00:25:21.710 --> 00:25:25.369 My dearest Shauna, if you are holding this letter, 00:25:26.190 --> 00:25:30.630 then my fight is over and I am gone. I left these 00:25:30.630 --> 00:25:33.549 words where I knew you would one day find them, 00:25:34.049 --> 00:25:36.269 among the little treasures of our life together. 00:25:37.210 --> 00:25:40.990 Because I feared this day would come and that 00:25:40.990 --> 00:25:44.789 you would forget how to live without me. It breaks 00:25:44.789 --> 00:25:48.029 my heart to imagine you stopping, to imagine 00:25:48.029 --> 00:25:52.789 you putting away joy because of me. But, my love, 00:25:53.569 --> 00:25:57.349 my heartbeat, my best friend, you were never 00:25:57.349 --> 00:26:01.190 meant to stop living. You are the very essence 00:26:01.190 --> 00:26:04.710 of life itself. You are laughter on the wind, 00:26:05.369 --> 00:26:08.690 the warmth of sunrise, the music in silence. 00:26:09.650 --> 00:26:14.289 You are love in its purest form. If grief has 00:26:14.289 --> 00:26:19.049 chained you, I beg you, set yourself free. I 00:26:19.049 --> 00:26:22.089 would never sleep peacefully knowing my memory 00:26:22.089 --> 00:26:25.289 shackled you from happiness. Please, Shawnee, 00:26:25.970 --> 00:26:28.309 don't waste the miracle that is you by keeping 00:26:28.309 --> 00:26:32.089 it locked in the past. You deserve to love again. 00:26:33.250 --> 00:26:36.789 You deserve to be cherished again. Because you 00:26:36.789 --> 00:26:41.230 are love, and love like yours was never meant 00:26:41.230 --> 00:26:46.839 to die with me. Time was precious, golden, unrepeatable, 00:26:47.119 --> 00:26:51.079 but it was only a chapter. Now, I want you to 00:26:51.079 --> 00:26:56.640 write more, experience more, feel more, let someone 00:26:56.640 --> 00:26:59.420 else see the wonder that I saw every day in your 00:26:59.420 --> 00:27:03.980 eyes. Carry me with you, yes, but carry me lightly, 00:27:04.859 --> 00:27:08.740 not as a burden, but as a blessing. Our essence 00:27:08.740 --> 00:27:12.299 will live on forever in the echoes of our laughter. 00:27:12.670 --> 00:27:15.309 in the touch of your hand on the keepsakes we 00:27:15.309 --> 00:27:18.829 shared, in the very beating of your heart. But 00:27:18.829 --> 00:27:22.849 now, my love, it is time for you to live again. 00:27:23.710 --> 00:27:28.789 To open yourself to joy, to beauty, to love in 00:27:28.789 --> 00:27:32.730 all its forms. Because you deserve everything. 00:27:33.890 --> 00:27:39.809 Forever yours, Eric. The letter slips from my 00:27:39.809 --> 00:27:43.910 trembling hands. soaked with my tears. I press 00:27:43.910 --> 00:27:46.410 my face into the cushions as sobs of anguish 00:27:46.410 --> 00:27:50.829 spill from me, breaking me open. No words come, 00:27:51.829 --> 00:27:55.750 only heartbreaking silence. I clutch the empty 00:27:55.750 --> 00:27:58.609 air where Eric should have been, and I say nothing, 00:27:59.529 --> 00:28:18.849 only letting the silence hold me. You have met 00:28:18.849 --> 00:28:22.950 the end of The Widow, part one. Stay tuned for 00:28:22.950 --> 00:28:26.089 part two. And if you haven't already, subscribe, 00:28:26.410 --> 00:28:30.130 share, and follow me on TikTok and YouTube. See 00:28:30.130 --> 00:28:31.170 ya. Bye.