Guys is this thing on? Tell them what you're
getting me. Oh, it's the facial Oh, and then
I'm dermaplaning. I'm gonna do an enzyme peel
first and the dermaplane Hopefully this enzyme
feeling too spicy for you. Apparently my skin
is giving oh He's smiling at you. Hi And we're
talking about love Well Jordan being a fool in
love she said I've never been in love. I'm just
a dumbass You've never been in love no never
once no never thought she loved somebody I thought
I loved a list dad, but that was that was false
Feels false false. I feel like it was just like
limerings, okay? Or like cuz he was like my first
he was my first boyfriend he was yeah like ever
yeah oh my goodness and so which is all which
always surprises people um i had like 60 for
me no i had last time i had a boyfriend was like
third grade so because like people in middle
school didn't talk to me high school didn't talk
to me which like i don't know if it was because
i went to a predominantly white high school and
i was one of like five black people there when
you told me that your feet you did a field trip
at a gun range i was like that's the craziest
hillbilly Very Virginia of you. Shot a glock
and a shotgun. I never knew that you didn't know,
like that he was your first boyfriend. Yeah,
I had my first kiss when I was 18. Oh my god,
Jordan. Yeah. Because like I've heard all your
stories so I think I always imagined like me
at like 13. Yeah, you know, living life. Well,
because my mom, everybody in my family thought
I was gonna be a virgin until I was like 24.
No, I lost mine when I was 20. I met Michi and
fucked everything up Michi was my first tongue
kiss. I was generally terrified of men. Um, I
never Like I think one dude I dated to try to
kiss me and I like went home cried and called
my mom I lost my shit. I remember having my first
hug. I dated this one dude before Michi. He was
like four years older than me I was in seventh
grade. I think he was a sophomore or a junior
Don't ask. Okay, he was short. He was my height.
So I mean but he left me because i wouldn't have
sex with him and then tried to spin the block
when i met michi and i'm like what the fuck but
michi was my first unkissed and everything else
i guess well no i so technically i had kissed
a girl when i was younger that was my first kiss
but then like a boy was like when i was 18 well
like i remember i don't remember kindergarten
to like third grade but that's when all my like
That's when life was just... I don't need to
remember that. Very hard to explain to a child
because they have really good lives. No shade.
You give her a great life. Unless she's like,
well, let me tell you a memory from when you
were a kid. I mean, I'm sitting there scrambling.
Well, I don't remember what I told her. I don't
even know. I don't know how I'm going to handle
those conversations. I really was like I don't
Because I think about that with my kids because
me she has so much family and like they're not
gonna be talking to any of mine Like why don't
we have to but like can i be so honest with you
it's like it's your fault you're disappointed
it's just like it's funny because how you were
just talking to um your friend it's the same
way i talk to you you have horrible taste it's
like you don't but you do in your head you know
what you deserve and then you see something pretty
no literally and like that happens literally
with like everything though Is he? Are you shaking
him or are you? Is he? No, I'm tapping his back.
Oh, okay. I saw his arm shaking and I was like,
what the fuck is that? Um, I didn't know if he
wanted me. Oh, good God. Well, I guess I'll have
to wash the blanket. Um, why are you so upset,
man? No, but I realized I do - He wants you.
Well, he's gonna have to give me a second. Like,
I do this a lot with literally, like, everything
in my life. Like, I - Don't want to fully commit
to something which is really probably part of
just like childhood trauma Well, yeah, but it's
like I would rather not fully commit to something
so that way if I'm disappointed by it Then it's
like I didn't truly try so it's like I think
that's why I have the taste that I do did whatever
Just because I know that like at the very end
of the day. They really have nothing to offer
me so it's like if I when it comes to the point
where they have nothing to offer me, I can't
really be disappointed by it because of what
kind of person they are. You set no expectations.
Yeah, it's like I know what kind of person they
are deep down, so it's not like I can truly be
disappointed by their, the lack of whatever it
is. Which is completely understandable, especially
after life so much hurt. Well like that and it's
like I my dad was like present but like he wasn't
like a very affectionate person I agree so and
he like still like he's gotten better with his
age. I should've put a headband on Like he's
gotten better as I've gotten older But like when
I was younger I got to a point where he was just
like I think that was his own depression though
And he didn't really want to get help for it
So it kind of like Fell off into every part of
his life. Yeah, because me and my dad used to
be super close. Yeah, like that's like Personality
-wise that's my twin So like and like I was very
much a daddy's girl when I was younger And then
it got kind of to a point, but I think those
more so him and my mom's relationship Yeah, that
was affecting Just let me wipe the soap off her
face and then put the Oh my goodness see But
no I got all mine for my mom because my whole
life she's chose men yes, so it's like the relationship
I've seen with men was like Shit just get a new
one. That's why I'm like, I don't count like
I wouldn't say I count my relationship before
me too Just because we've been together since
we were so young. It's like at that point. What's
the relationship? Hmm, but like I do like I think
I was always talking with men I never did anything
with them. Like I wasn't fast in that aspect,
but I was like I always had a boyfriend Always
that that's all I seen so it's like I think I
get that relationship from them, but I'm also
like the trauma I carry is more so not the um
like the expectations and like the love and the
aspect it's the independence I genuinely think
I can like I never need to operate with a man
because my mom is so overly independent and she's
like just had to be her whole life so that's
all I see and it's an issue I have with Michi
a lot I don't allow him to do things or I don't
trust him to do things just because it's like
I gotta do this shit myself but I can see like
for you You're like, because you have such high
expectations as a woman, but when it comes to
men, your expectations are so low because you
don't expect much from them. Yes. It's like I've
been shown very little. And then I got to a point
with my dad where I was like, I don't really
try with him to like connect. Yeah, because it
was like I got kind of tired of trying just to
not be met like with my needs. Yeah. That one
time you told me about that situation with your
one of your child solars and he just didn't care
yeah and i think that was like they really showed
me i was like that's and that's the situation
anybody should care about my mom drove three
hours to talk to to deal with that and he's a
man yeah and like he had the ability to like
didn't he live here yeah it was like he could
have handled that entirely different and he didn't
and i think for a while that really like did
something to me because i was like well shit
You're not gonna do anything about it and that's
supposed to be your number one like protector.
Yes Like somebody I can go to for everything.
Mm -hmm. So I was like, okay Which is why I think
also I think it like pushed my hyper independence
because I was truly like I Really have to do
everything myself when it comes down to me Like
I can expect certain things from him but like
other things just don't Just do it yourself.
Yes Which also I think that goes back to my taste
and then because kind of like if I pick Somebody
who I know won't necessarily meet my expectations
I can't get mad about it because I'm very much
used to relying on myself but it's also like
what I see it's like None of like nobody really
helps you but it's more so it's not even that
it's not like it's the reason I don't like these
men is not because Oh, they're not giving you
something. It's simply because they find every
way to do you the worst. Yes every single time
and then over and over again and I think that
As someone who sees you because I view you so
high like I view you very highly a very smart
intelligent woman So when I see these situations,
I'm like I get confused because I'm like this
is This isn't her but it is it is you it's that
It's the unhealed version of you is the heart
part of you because that is all you know, you
haven't known any different Yeah, and then I
think Like I had to get to a place with his dad
in order to like fully Accept that like and that's
why like now I'm at a point where it's like how
could you not like me? Like with what's -his
-face? Yes, that's what I'm literally like. Oh
What do you what do you mean? What are you doing?
I think he just likes having access to you. Yes.
Whenever it's what he wants. Yes, because he's
always like, oh I'm working through jobs. Because
he's the only one that I was like, okay, he has
what do you remember? Like I've met him like
I he's all right Like if you if you wanted a
day him like he's actually put together kind
of stable It's the only thing like you only asked
him one thing and that was for communication
time and time again He's purposely emotionally
unavailable and like it's because of his parents
issues that it like reflects like he I talked
about this with him It's because of his like
parents issues. I'm just like well, I don't That
has nothing to do with me like at all and you're
grown yet. Yes So it's like that's not really
a valid excuse at the end of the day Like I know
I have my own issues, but at the end I've tried
to work on them as well Yes, and like certain
things I can't work on unless I'm actually like
put in the situation to work on them Yes, and
it's like how can anyone judge you for the way
you love if you haven't had the option to do
you love your eyes? You know, so it's like that's
why I was always so big. I'm like honestly if
it comes down to these men and you haven't learned
it yet just teach yourself that because once
you get to that point where you know how much
you are content with yourself and you get to
a point with yourself where you're like oh i
love me so much i know what i deserve i'm not
dealing with this and you are at that point you
don't even want to look at men anymore Do you
see a future with that though? With him? No,
with love. I mean, it's not something to actively
seek out at this point. It's not a priority for
me the way it used to be. That used to be something
that if you asked me one thing I wanted to experience
would be traveling. and love because I know that
the world is so big so I don't want to not see
as much of it as I can yes before I die because
I want to travel so much and so like that and
like love just because I've never had it and
it's also like I know deep down I have a lot
to give yes so it's like you also have a lot
of love to give yes so it's like I don't And
it's not like I see myself as undeserving of
it like I used to but then I like Going through
therapy and all that and it's like I'm not undeserving
of it. I just pick the wrong people. Mm -hmm.
So But trying to get out of that habit of picking
the wrong people was like the hardest thing because
it's like It's comforting in a way because I
always knew that I didn't have much to expect
to some from some people So it's not like I really
had to give Give a lot. Yes kind of thing Like
with his dad when he at one point was like I
can't like I don't want to date because I feel
like Julie break I remember that everything and
I was just like what the fuck what? Okay, I said
made no sense to me. And so I detached from that
situation. I was just like, okay Well, you only
have one thing to offer me at this point this
literally so Like that's just what I'm gonna
get from you and then it turns he turns around
it's like well actually i want to try and i'm
like so i've already turned my feelings off so
i don't know how and then it's kind of like when
looking back at those situations i think of everything
we found out now and it's like were you bullshitting
the whole time literally i feel like he just
says things to see how far he can get with people
like even his own place to say yes even his own
own family describes him as like manipulative
yes i think that's what's like if your own family
is describing you as like manipulated and a liar
clearly clearly sir we have bigger fish to fry
um and i think we need to work on those things
but like that's on him and i don't like even
if he were to work on them i just don't see me
being open to it at all because like i'm tired
of giving people chances yes kind of like if
you you can either see me Whatever happens the
first time around is what you get. Yes. So if
it doesn't go anywhere, then that's fine. That's
kind of on you. I'm not gonna sit here and, like,
beg or, like, prod someone to feel some type
of way about me when I know, like, that's not
something I feel like I need to do. At the end
of the day, like, I think... a lot more highly
of myself than i used to which is extremely good
i have seen so much growth and i think therapy
has been really fucking good for you like that
i feel like your therapist is really good this
time like i don't know same lady i don't know
it's the same therapist you had a couple years
ago yes like she's one of the few people that
like i've connected So that's why I keep going
back to her because like if I don't like somebody
I'm just not going to go. That's why I left my
first therapist She just kind of like stared
at me the whole fucking time and like I want
to try somatic therapy Which is like makes it
makes you aware of like your body Yeah, is that
the one where it's like they close your eyes
and like bring up or press memories? I want to
do that too, but I'm terrified. I'm also like
if I see something I don't want to see like am
I gonna see me getting like I don't really want
to see that I don't need to remember that. No,
and so it's like I feel like I always wonder
like why don't I remember my childhood? Is that
why? But remember I told you when we were having
like this spiritual like connection I was like
it's generally you told me the exact same thing.
It's blocked out for a reason because Truly,
you wouldn't be the same. No because I like I
hope sorry this is cold I just don't and part
of me is like okay with not knowing but I think
it would benefit me more in like current situations
to be aware of certain things but at the same
time i'm like you really think so? kind of but
i've also like i've done a lot of self -development
where i'm aware of why i do things it's more
so on me to kind of like not do them so that's
why i go back and forth with like wanting to
find this automatic therapist um just because
i'm like will will do more harm than good in
the long run yeah And I think I really want I
was trying to get the specific therapist but
she doesn't take my insurance yet So I have to
wait on that but I really want to go to therapy
again. It's just I I'm so self -aware. It's like
in my head. It's like I know what she's gonna
tell me cuz I've told myself Yes, I I know but
it's like I feel like the one issue I have with
myself. I kind of just blame fucking everything
And I feel like a therapist would help me with
that make me realize okay hey this is not your
fault yes because some things like i'm aware
of and like i can say it to myself but at the
same time i'm only gonna listen there if another
person says it truly and that's one of my worst
traits hate is it but like i need somebody else
to let me know and now i'm like oh damn now i
see it because she had told me that before and
was like you're very self -aware like you you
know why you do things you just keep doing them
and i'm like you know You're absolutely right.
And I don't know why. And I think one, I wouldn't
say like it's a flaw, but I think one thing I
could get better at is like, I would say I am
one in a million when it comes to love. Like
I found a partner so young and I have a great
relationship. We've never broken up. There's
never been cheating, like nothing. And it's such
a solid relationship. But I think me feeling
so highly of you, I'm like, well, why doesn't
she get it? In my head, I feel like I come off,
I don't, I'm not insensitive in any way because
I truly am I've never been sensitive towards
you all I do is care but I feel like it comes
off sometimes that way because it's kind of like
bitch two together yes when it's like yes out
of like you know tough love in a way but it's
also like Zoe you granted like all the boyfriends
I've had before have always left me for another
woman so that's one thing I deal with me chief
or like wait I'm always kind of like suspicious
for everything and I think that's the trauma
I carry but I've never I've never been in a position
like you so it's like I try to acknowledge that
and tell myself like okay hey well you do have
a luxury that you didn't go through this you
know and you don't have these situations so empathize
with that understand that but the part of me
who also sees you so high and loves you so much
I'm like well damn bitch You deserve a fucking
the world. What are you doing right now? And
I think having the experience like experiencing
the same thing over and over and over I kind
of got mentally to a point where I was like is
that something I deserve words like I started
to question it myself Well, you want people like
I think for me what would irritate me is someone
would show you their whole ass Like they would
go dirtball and then it's like you would acknowledge
that you've got game What the fuck like someone
just showed you her their whole ass but you didn't
take it at face value like they just kept doing
it because like and i i take like i give people
too much credit because i'm very like straightforward
with people you are yes and so like i kind of
expect everyone to be like that i don't know
if that's like the autism in here or what where
it's like i expect people to just be direct with
me kind of thing so when people aren't direct
with me i'm like Yes, cuz I'm not direct and
we had those issues when we first started being
friends because I'm like he said I was I was
always a little pussy like I'm not direct at
all and now I'm getting better being around you
because you teach me how to be direct and you
know Speak up and do all that so it was like
it would always confuse me cuz I'm like you're
teaching me how to speak up for myself But then
I see you in situations and I think it was like
the little girl part of me Yeah, we're wanting
her dad. Yes, where it's like I wanted to be
loved so it's kind of like i put up with stuff
yes when i didn't necessarily need to like put
up with it um are you serious that was just from
one spot um so it's like i feel like once i realized
that i do it because of that and like wanting
that kind of acceptance i was like oh This is
that's also part of the problem, but and so I
kind of had to talk to myself about Like you'd
be fine alone if like because that's better off
than you Putting up with stuff if that made sense
I it does make sense but like to bring up the
aspect of like all the readings We've got all
the messages I've given you or that you've received
through astrology because she is astrologer.
Okay. Yeah. Yes she is but the thing you click
record, right? Yeah, it's okay. I was double
checking to make sure it wasn't like battery
low Okay. No, I made sure it was 100 but um It's
like when we see all those and we hear like I
love hearing About the love you will receive
the man who will come in your life because every
single reading and or reader has said the same
thing like the same the love you Will finally
deserve and I think i'm so excited for that like
to see it because you're such a soft woman like
you're such a hard ass Exterior but on the inside
god, you're just a puddle of fucking wish like
I'm a dragon we literally That was so funny well,
I have a blade next to you I know But I'm like
I'm so excited as your best friend to see that
like I really want to see you get married one
day Because like it's the love you deserve this
whole time. But also you're just so like I just
see you as Woman who's just head over fucking
heels that but it's also like I'm very skeptical
of it ever coming because of Everything else.
Yeah, you haven't been shown like a BS thing
And so I'm like y 'all keep saying things and
I'm like, okay. Okay. Well, would you say that
to me? But you're already in love. No not about
love when it comes to my kids. Would you say
that to me? Oh, I mean no because I tell you
just like me like hopeful and like optimistic
about it well no about like the certain outcomes
we've had would you tell me oh hey that's not
i don't believe that's gonna come true oh no
because i don't think you'll go through the same
experiences again like i feel like i don't think
you will either so i think it's unfair to not
allow yourself the The chance for it, you know,
mm -hmm But I did tell you I was like you will
get to a point where you don't find any interest
in men But it will be one of the things where
you low key try to deny the man who does come
forward But he just kind of pushes past it literally
and I like because I'm literally I look at people
and I'm like What do you want with a guy it's
actually aggressive at this point like people
I remember the face time yesterday. What the
fuck? Cause what? What do you want? You're in
a car. What do you want? If it's in my tank,
it gets the fuck out of my face. I just don't
want to talk to people. I have other things to
focus on. Like, are you gonna buy me an enzyme
deal? I need about a thousand dollars worth of
skincare stuff, gang. Are you gonna do that?
That's one way to get my attention. Have you
ever talked to your dad about it? No. No? Because,
well actually I did, after I blocked him for
a month. I had we had like called and like I
talked to him on the phone and stuff and I was
like I had Said that I wanted to be closer with
him and stuff like that. Um, and like he was
like I'll try to work on it and stuff like that
Obviously, but I don't know if it's like his
disease or whatever. He's in the parking. Yeah
I don't know if that has something to do with
it or like cuz he's surely just like not an emotional
Man, either. Is he emotional either? um, yeah,
he sounds like he said he'll say I love you and
stuff like that, but like He's he's affectionate
with her Like when they when he sees her he was
like he'll give her hugs and stuff like that.
Um, but I'm like I never Really like we're not
like call on the phone and like make kind of
relationship. Yes And so but I had told him when
we started talking like a while back I was like,
I mean like I do want you to be like Closer closer
like emotionally something that like I would
want him to like walk me down the aisle and stuff
Hit my wedding and he was like, oh I would want
to do that too Like I don't want to lose my relationship
with you and stuff like that and that's kind
of like the only time it's ever Come up. Mm -hmm
But it's like I just kind of accepted that he's
not very You know, that's just not him. Yeah,
and it's not like there's not much I can do about
it Like you can't really force him like he shows
up how he knows how or like in the best way that
is for him Mm -hmm. So I don't really Same way
with my mom. I try and I kind of just have gotten
past her issues and don't really Fault her like
I'm gonna fault her but not really at this point
because it's like that's just That's just how
she is. That's I can't Especially being the age
that they're I can't force them to change. Mm
-hmm. So Like I just kind of meet them where
they're at? Well and see that's where I was like
I was kind of like that in high school well no
kind of the opposite I kind of just defended
them for everything because I'm like I would
I heard that phrase like oh this is their first
time living too and so I always be like okay
well you know she's still learning in this but
I'm like no that's not fair it's not fair to
me no because there's no way I am getting past
it but you're 40 something and you're not It's
like yeah, that is just what you are. You can't
at that point It's like that's why I don't try
with anybody anymore because I'm like if you're
that old and you Have not done anything. It's
like I hate to say I've given up on you. But
like yeah I got to a point where I was like I
just have to see them for what they give me at
this point and I can't ask them to give me more
than like Like me I expect I don't it's like
kind of like I expect too much of them, but it's
also like I'm just expecting I stopped expecting
too much of them, and I just expect just enough.
Well, because that same sentiment, it's like
I don't want to disappoint myself and build myself
up, you know, and expect this relationship with
somebody. I'm not going to get it. Yeah. I'm
not going to get what I want. So it's like I
just got to take what's there. Yes. And so that's
kind of like how I got with me as well. It's
like I'm not going to keep trying. Like, what's
his face? I was like, you just. I can rely on
you for certain things and then after that, can't
really rely on you for much else. Like I know
my limits. Yeah. Like if I call you, I know you're
not going to pick up. Which it shouldn't be like
that at all. Like there should be someone who
you should call no matter what. Yeah. So it's
like if you say that you like me and like I can't
call it, like if I call you and I need help and
you don't pick up, it's like, do you actually
do that? Because I'll pick up on the first ring.
That's just who I am unless I literally like
just don't see my phone. Yeah, literally because
it's like If you need me maybe yeah, and it's
like I can't really rely on you or it's like
I can for like a week and then you go back to
being Which is so unpredictable like in the wind
and I'm like, I'm not I don't want to deal with
that either because what how was that going to
get my mustache I'm trying to Like how is that
going to be beneficial? for me like if we were
to actually be serious it wouldn't I wouldn't
be able to call you like I'd have to call six
different people before I could call you like
you would be the last on my list and that shouldn't
be how it is in a relationship like you should
be the first person I should be able to call
and like you pick up on like the first or second
ring because there would be times I would call
him he would answer literally while he's at work
and other times like I call him I don't hear
he doesn't call me back until like a week later
Yes, I remember. And so I'm like, you say one
thing, but your behavior doesn't match at all.
Match, and I'm not really sure. Like, I'm not
gonna keep questioning things. Like, I'm just
literally gonna take it, take you for face value,
what you're showing me right then and there.
So... I'm gonna vacuum your nose. And even, since
I'm blinding. Yeah. I can't get up my nails,
though. You shouldn't. Respectable. Not anymore.
Not anymore. But I think so many people in our
generation just have given up on love overall
and like I can't blame them because honestly
all I see is like I hate to say it men are horrible
like I don't see. The men are the women. Exactly,
it's genuinely like, what the fuck is happening
right now? I couldn't. Also, I don't want to
bother with people because exposure therapy,
we keep seeing the same thing over and over and
over. So it's like why I'm being met with the
same outcome each time. Yes. So why bother? Because
like with her dad I tried to give him the benefit
of the doubt For a very long time. Yes, and then
I got to a point where I was like bitch Look,
he's not This is not this is not it at all get
it together Stop expecting a lot Which is also
how is that like affected your relation like
your self -worth your your thought with yourself
like Have you seen a difference from like say
when you were like 25 from now? Yes, I value
myself a lot more. Are you a dead bitch? Oh thank
god. I'm not talking. Um, yes, because um...
Is that for me? A little bit. Um, like I used
to... I would fight for the same person over
and over and over and like I would not take no
for an answer or it's like I would do things
that just didn't like really make it seem like
I had valued myself at all um and so very much
then and now it's entirely different people um
but that's also why I'm kind of like at a point
where I'm like I don't want to be bothered by
people because If I'm holding myself to such
a high standard now, then it's like really, what
are you going to do for me? Like I've seen, I've
seen what I can do for myself. Just for myself
and like on my own. So until you can show me
more and sometimes I don't. There's really not
much, sorry, for us to be doing. The buttons
aren't that bad. It's also not the lowest suction
so Um But no it's kind of I think that's also
what's made it harder Lately because it's like
I've been through a lot and yes year a lot So
it's kind of like if I've been able to carry
myself through all this you truly have to do
something like extravagant in order for me to
Pay attention to you Because otherwise What like
what is the point? What are we what am I gonna
gain from it? It's like I remember you actually
like telling me it's like a point when you were
talking to like a couple different people at
the time I remember you telling me you were like
I'm talking to all these people and you were
like they all want to hang out and do stuff but
not one of them is asking a date this far and
I think it was like like two months and I'm like
No, I understand that cuz why? You haven't even
asked on a date yet. What is this? And it's like
nobody wants to actually go out and like date
or like court anyone is quite literally can you
come over it's like How do you know I'm not gonna
rob you? But it's also like I feel like everybody
nowadays. It's like oh, let's fuck and that's
the relationship Yes, nobody. I think nobody
has like real love anymore, which I think is
also Extremely magical that I met you because
I can show you what real love looks like I do
have a relationship because there's a lot of
things you showed me that I don't have and they
show me a really good mindset of it. So it's
like, I hope sometimes I can be that reassurance
for you that it is out there and I don't want
you to give up on it. Yes. And it's like, I love
you and me choose relationship because like you
have like your arguments and stuff like that,
but you never like give up on each other. No
matter how difficult or like, like painful the
situation may be, like you have to always come
out on it out of it better than you were before.
Yes. So it's kind of like I know that it's out
there, but it's also like it would be something
that like actually you need to see. Yes. But
it's also like I also got to a point where I'm
like, it's OK if it doesn't happen to me because
I know I'm capable of doing things for myself
and like I still have friends in my life. You've
reached that point where like, OK, like if I
had to, you know, be alone, I would still find
a way to be happy. You know, I can travel. I
can, you know, do what makes me happy. But I
have my kids and stuff like I'm happy. with them
and their love kind of thing. So like it may
not always be a romantic type of love, but I
still do feel loved in a way. But like thinking
in like a little girl way, I think there's always
that part in women where it's like, damn, I kind
of wanted my prince. Like I wanted my fairy tale.
Yes, because I also don't want it to get to a
point where it's like I meet somebody and like
my dad isn't here. Because I actually do want
him to walk me down the aisle and be part of
my wedding and stuff like that. So I'm kind of
worried that it would be too late. How old is
he? He's 68, but he's old. He's got Parkinson's,
so he could die. Or not be able to walk or anything
like that. Or his memory is getting worse. He'll
ask me the same question three times or forgive
that he paid for something or didn't pay for
something. but not to be up your ass but like
you forgot or like you already sent money for
this like i don't i didn't need that yeah kind
of thing so like i don't i don't want him to
get to a point where he has to miss out on things
or like where i miss out on something with him
um just because of his condition How do you clean
that? But no, like I want and like my relationship
with my mom has gotten a lot better but that's
also because again I stopped expecting more than
what the flash was on. Like more than what I
kind of should from her, if that makes sense.
So yeah just kind of I don't know, I kind of
meet people where there are yes and like what
they show me. I don't really, I try not to ask
or over extend yes. And that's just why I'm like
in relationships. If you're showing me one thing,
I'm not going to try to like buy your love, but
like do too much to get, get that from you. Why
will you not focus? Which I think a lot of my
listeners, relate to just because I know like
so many of them like I see reposts and shit of
like the people who follow me and stuff like
a lot of people have a lot of troubles in love
and a lot of trauma with love as well because
life is shitty it's really shitty and it's like
I feel like you having a different perspective
in a different outlook in different situations
helps also kind of diversify it and attack needs
and addresses things that need to be addressed
but also allows people to empathize with you
and understand you but also kind of come to that
point where you are where you because you're
32 Jordan's 32 y 'all Yeah, we're literally nine
months apart. So it's like when he was born,
I was getting conceived. I literally thought
you were like 25. Everyone thinks I am. Because
you're young. You look, girl, you do not. Granted,
30 is not old at all, but you look like you're
in your 20s. Thank you. But like, I think, because
a lot of my listeners, granted, a lot of my listeners
are in their 30s. Honestly, I think one of my
biggest age ranges is 25 to 34. So I think a
lot of women in that time, because you know they
like to call their midlife prices. Don't know
why I try to be spot -rolling every day. So maybe
that's why I haven't been there yet I think i've
had a midlife crisis every year of my life, but
I haven't had 30 yet So i'm like, I think they
will have a lot of insight from you and I think
they could also give you a lot of insight Because
they reply back they give their opinions. So
i'm like They could help you but you could also
be helping them in how you find yourself. You
know, you you found yourself again yes and like
having a child also or children I should say
my bad dog um but also like there's something
because like you you completely forget yourself
mm -hmm like you toss all of yourself to the
side for a while and then it's like I have to
reel it back in yes because that's the episode
I made about motherhood and stuff I talked about
you a lot in that episode because That's the
part of motherhood you show me, because I really
want motherhood, and you show me a perfect example
of motherhood. Like, right now, your kid is here,
but you're still doing your hobbies. You're still
doing what you want to do. You still shop for
yourself, cater to yourself, and love yourself
authentically. And I think that's really good
for Ayla as well, because that shows her, like,
oh, like... My mom's a fucking G. What are you
talking about right now? She is a big driving
force for me. Despite the fact that I want to
knock her out 90 % of the time, I truly am very
grateful that I had her, even if her dad also
is a pain in my fucking ass. Like, her being
a burger was really funny just because it makes
a lot of sense. Why? She's really made me get
my life together. um and like being because i've
i have grown don't start i've grown a lot since
having her like i have to be an example for her
because who else is going to be an example for
her so it's kind of like i have to show her the
best representation of everything but i think
that's why i also spoil her because i'm like
she has to experience the best of everything
and she has the opportunity to yes like i refuse
to take something from her or not show her that
the world is literally her oyster. Like I'd rather
my kid be a brat than feel unloved. Yes because
like I remember what I felt like as a child and
I definitely felt unloved and like I didn't get
enough attention and stuff like that so it's
like I never want her to feel like I didn't pay
attention to her interests or try to support
them or do whatever like if she were to tell
me she wanted to go to some NASA museum or be
a rocket scientist I'd be like okay let me figure
out how. That's literally why like I can agree
with that because like even though Tootie's not
my kid she kind of is like I feel that same sentiment
with her like I want to be her role model I want
to show her like hey you know don't stop keep
going but also like whatever you want to do the
world is your oyster like nobody Nobody came
to, I was in like six different fucking sports.
Nobody would come. I always had to get a ride
with somebody. Like I think my mom only started
coming in high school cause like she met her
boyfriend and he wanted to come. And then like
once I had seen a year, she didn't come anymore,
but she would always, she's very performative.
So it was like, she would show up and try to
do every sign and be like world's best mom. And
then would pull me over to the site and cuss
me out. Like she's one of them. And so like,
how you do with Ayla because I know I'm also
a big point in Ayla's life so it's like that's
why I like coming with you to her gymnastics
because it's like I want to help support your
dreams like you can be anything you fucking want
yes so I agree with you on that sentiment