WEBVTT 00:00:01.659 --> 00:00:10.939 Guys is this thing on? Tell them what you're 00:00:10.939 --> 00:00:15.279 getting me. Oh, it's the facial Oh, and then 00:00:15.279 --> 00:00:17.620 I'm dermaplaning. I'm gonna do an enzyme peel 00:00:17.620 --> 00:00:21.039 first and the dermaplane Hopefully this enzyme 00:00:21.039 --> 00:00:23.179 feeling too spicy for you. Apparently my skin 00:00:23.179 --> 00:00:28.559 is giving oh He's smiling at you. Hi And we're 00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:32.369 talking about love Well Jordan being a fool in 00:00:32.369 --> 00:00:34.490 love she said I've never been in love. I'm just 00:00:34.490 --> 00:00:38.609 a dumbass You've never been in love no never 00:00:38.609 --> 00:00:41.289 once no never thought she loved somebody I thought 00:00:41.289 --> 00:00:44.229 I loved a list dad, but that was that was false 00:00:44.229 --> 00:00:48.549 Feels false false. I feel like it was just like 00:00:48.549 --> 00:00:53.409 limerings, okay? Or like cuz he was like my first 00:00:53.409 --> 00:00:57.049 he was my first boyfriend he was yeah like ever 00:00:57.049 --> 00:01:00.659 yeah oh my goodness and so which is all which 00:01:00.659 --> 00:01:04.540 always surprises people um i had like 60 for 00:01:04.540 --> 00:01:07.060 me no i had last time i had a boyfriend was like 00:01:07.060 --> 00:01:09.799 third grade so because like people in middle 00:01:09.799 --> 00:01:12.379 school didn't talk to me high school didn't talk 00:01:12.379 --> 00:01:14.760 to me which like i don't know if it was because 00:01:14.760 --> 00:01:17.379 i went to a predominantly white high school and 00:01:17.379 --> 00:01:19.620 i was one of like five black people there when 00:01:19.620 --> 00:01:21.939 you told me that your feet you did a field trip 00:01:21.939 --> 00:01:24.719 at a gun range i was like that's the craziest 00:01:24.719 --> 00:01:30.230 hillbilly Very Virginia of you. Shot a glock 00:01:30.230 --> 00:01:34.069 and a shotgun. I never knew that you didn't know, 00:01:34.109 --> 00:01:35.750 like that he was your first boyfriend. Yeah, 00:01:35.750 --> 00:01:38.870 I had my first kiss when I was 18. Oh my god, 00:01:38.989 --> 00:01:42.390 Jordan. Yeah. Because like I've heard all your 00:01:42.390 --> 00:01:45.609 stories so I think I always imagined like me 00:01:45.609 --> 00:01:49.090 at like 13. Yeah, you know, living life. Well, 00:01:49.230 --> 00:01:50.769 because my mom, everybody in my family thought 00:01:50.769 --> 00:01:52.590 I was gonna be a virgin until I was like 24. 00:01:53.090 --> 00:01:55.879 No, I lost mine when I was 20. I met Michi and 00:01:55.879 --> 00:01:57.879 fucked everything up Michi was my first tongue 00:01:57.879 --> 00:02:01.340 kiss. I was generally terrified of men. Um, I 00:02:01.340 --> 00:02:04.599 never Like I think one dude I dated to try to 00:02:04.599 --> 00:02:06.620 kiss me and I like went home cried and called 00:02:06.620 --> 00:02:10.159 my mom I lost my shit. I remember having my first 00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:13.099 hug. I dated this one dude before Michi. He was 00:02:13.099 --> 00:02:15.680 like four years older than me I was in seventh 00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:17.759 grade. I think he was a sophomore or a junior 00:02:17.759 --> 00:02:21.439 Don't ask. Okay, he was short. He was my height. 00:02:21.520 --> 00:02:24.520 So I mean but he left me because i wouldn't have 00:02:24.520 --> 00:02:26.500 sex with him and then tried to spin the block 00:02:26.500 --> 00:02:29.960 when i met michi and i'm like what the fuck but 00:02:29.960 --> 00:02:32.840 michi was my first unkissed and everything else 00:02:32.840 --> 00:02:37.000 i guess well no i so technically i had kissed 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:39.580 a girl when i was younger that was my first kiss 00:02:39.580 --> 00:02:43.560 but then like a boy was like when i was 18 well 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:49.860 like i remember i don't remember kindergarten 00:02:49.860 --> 00:02:53.180 to like third grade but that's when all my like 00:02:53.259 --> 00:02:56.000 That's when life was just... I don't need to 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:58.599 remember that. Very hard to explain to a child 00:02:58.599 --> 00:03:01.500 because they have really good lives. No shade. 00:03:02.080 --> 00:03:04.939 You give her a great life. Unless she's like, 00:03:05.080 --> 00:03:06.460 well, let me tell you a memory from when you 00:03:06.460 --> 00:03:10.840 were a kid. I mean, I'm sitting there scrambling. 00:03:11.400 --> 00:03:18.120 Well, I don't remember what I told her. I don't 00:03:18.120 --> 00:03:20.719 even know. I don't know how I'm going to handle 00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:25.310 those conversations. I really was like I don't 00:03:25.310 --> 00:03:26.789 Because I think about that with my kids because 00:03:26.789 --> 00:03:29.550 me she has so much family and like they're not 00:03:29.550 --> 00:03:32.270 gonna be talking to any of mine Like why don't 00:03:32.270 --> 00:03:56.340 we have to but like can i be so honest with you 00:03:56.340 --> 00:03:59.419 it's like it's your fault you're disappointed 00:03:59.419 --> 00:04:01.659 it's just like it's funny because how you were 00:04:01.659 --> 00:04:04.240 just talking to um your friend it's the same 00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:07.539 way i talk to you you have horrible taste it's 00:04:07.539 --> 00:04:10.740 like you don't but you do in your head you know 00:04:10.740 --> 00:04:14.620 what you deserve and then you see something pretty 00:04:14.620 --> 00:04:17.680 no literally and like that happens literally 00:04:17.680 --> 00:04:20.500 with like everything though Is he? Are you shaking 00:04:20.500 --> 00:04:22.959 him or are you? Is he? No, I'm tapping his back. 00:04:23.199 --> 00:04:24.860 Oh, okay. I saw his arm shaking and I was like, 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:27.560 what the fuck is that? Um, I didn't know if he 00:04:27.560 --> 00:04:31.040 wanted me. Oh, good God. Well, I guess I'll have 00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:35.459 to wash the blanket. Um, why are you so upset, 00:04:35.759 --> 00:04:38.759 man? No, but I realized I do - He wants you. 00:04:39.139 --> 00:04:40.939 Well, he's gonna have to give me a second. Like, 00:04:41.019 --> 00:04:42.600 I do this a lot with literally, like, everything 00:04:42.600 --> 00:04:46.800 in my life. Like, I - Don't want to fully commit 00:04:46.800 --> 00:04:49.540 to something which is really probably part of 00:04:49.540 --> 00:04:53.639 just like childhood trauma Well, yeah, but it's 00:04:53.639 --> 00:04:56.240 like I would rather not fully commit to something 00:04:56.240 --> 00:04:58.879 so that way if I'm disappointed by it Then it's 00:04:58.879 --> 00:05:00.959 like I didn't truly try so it's like I think 00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:05.100 that's why I have the taste that I do did whatever 00:05:05.100 --> 00:05:09.040 Just because I know that like at the very end 00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:10.500 of the day. They really have nothing to offer 00:05:10.500 --> 00:05:13.540 me so it's like if I when it comes to the point 00:05:13.540 --> 00:05:15.699 where they have nothing to offer me, I can't 00:05:15.699 --> 00:05:17.639 really be disappointed by it because of what 00:05:17.639 --> 00:05:19.180 kind of person they are. You set no expectations. 00:05:19.360 --> 00:05:20.879 Yeah, it's like I know what kind of person they 00:05:20.879 --> 00:05:23.620 are deep down, so it's not like I can truly be 00:05:23.620 --> 00:05:28.839 disappointed by their, the lack of whatever it 00:05:28.839 --> 00:05:32.379 is. Which is completely understandable, especially 00:05:32.379 --> 00:05:36.560 after life so much hurt. Well like that and it's 00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:39.540 like I my dad was like present but like he wasn't 00:05:39.540 --> 00:05:42.959 like a very affectionate person I agree so and 00:05:42.959 --> 00:05:45.319 he like still like he's gotten better with his 00:05:45.319 --> 00:05:49.379 age. I should've put a headband on Like he's 00:05:49.379 --> 00:05:53.300 gotten better as I've gotten older But like when 00:05:53.300 --> 00:05:55.220 I was younger I got to a point where he was just 00:05:55.220 --> 00:05:56.839 like I think that was his own depression though 00:05:56.839 --> 00:06:00.439 And he didn't really want to get help for it 00:06:00.439 --> 00:06:05.240 So it kind of like Fell off into every part of 00:06:05.240 --> 00:06:07.379 his life. Yeah, because me and my dad used to 00:06:07.379 --> 00:06:11.240 be super close. Yeah, like that's like Personality 00:06:11.240 --> 00:06:17.279 -wise that's my twin So like and like I was very 00:06:17.279 --> 00:06:20.779 much a daddy's girl when I was younger And then 00:06:20.779 --> 00:06:22.839 it got kind of to a point, but I think those 00:06:22.839 --> 00:06:25.420 more so him and my mom's relationship Yeah, that 00:06:25.420 --> 00:06:32.279 was affecting Just let me wipe the soap off her 00:06:32.279 --> 00:06:49.180 face and then put the Oh my goodness see But 00:06:49.180 --> 00:06:52.420 no I got all mine for my mom because my whole 00:06:52.420 --> 00:06:56.379 life she's chose men yes, so it's like the relationship 00:06:56.379 --> 00:06:59.639 I've seen with men was like Shit just get a new 00:06:59.639 --> 00:07:01.740 one. That's why I'm like, I don't count like 00:07:01.740 --> 00:07:03.720 I wouldn't say I count my relationship before 00:07:03.720 --> 00:07:05.060 me too Just because we've been together since 00:07:05.060 --> 00:07:07.000 we were so young. It's like at that point. What's 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:10.360 the relationship? Hmm, but like I do like I think 00:07:10.360 --> 00:07:12.839 I was always talking with men I never did anything 00:07:12.839 --> 00:07:14.800 with them. Like I wasn't fast in that aspect, 00:07:15.000 --> 00:07:18.379 but I was like I always had a boyfriend Always 00:07:18.379 --> 00:07:21.339 that that's all I seen so it's like I think I 00:07:21.339 --> 00:07:24.000 get that relationship from them, but I'm also 00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:27.660 like the trauma I carry is more so not the um 00:07:27.660 --> 00:07:30.120 like the expectations and like the love and the 00:07:30.120 --> 00:07:33.579 aspect it's the independence I genuinely think 00:07:33.579 --> 00:07:35.959 I can like I never need to operate with a man 00:07:35.959 --> 00:07:39.379 because my mom is so overly independent and she's 00:07:39.379 --> 00:07:40.899 like just had to be her whole life so that's 00:07:40.899 --> 00:07:43.040 all I see and it's an issue I have with Michi 00:07:43.040 --> 00:07:46.720 a lot I don't allow him to do things or I don't 00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:49.100 trust him to do things just because it's like 00:07:49.100 --> 00:07:53.300 I gotta do this shit myself but I can see like 00:07:53.300 --> 00:07:56.500 for you You're like, because you have such high 00:07:56.500 --> 00:07:59.240 expectations as a woman, but when it comes to 00:07:59.240 --> 00:08:00.740 men, your expectations are so low because you 00:08:00.740 --> 00:08:04.920 don't expect much from them. Yes. It's like I've 00:08:04.920 --> 00:08:08.240 been shown very little. And then I got to a point 00:08:08.240 --> 00:08:10.699 with my dad where I was like, I don't really 00:08:10.699 --> 00:08:14.279 try with him to like connect. Yeah, because it 00:08:14.279 --> 00:08:16.800 was like I got kind of tired of trying just to 00:08:16.800 --> 00:08:19.639 not be met like with my needs. Yeah. That one 00:08:19.639 --> 00:08:23.120 time you told me about that situation with your 00:08:23.120 --> 00:08:27.399 one of your child solars and he just didn't care 00:08:27.399 --> 00:08:30.319 yeah and i think that was like they really showed 00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:32.440 me i was like that's and that's the situation 00:08:32.440 --> 00:08:35.299 anybody should care about my mom drove three 00:08:35.299 --> 00:08:39.179 hours to talk to to deal with that and he's a 00:08:39.179 --> 00:08:42.700 man yeah and like he had the ability to like 00:08:42.700 --> 00:08:45.940 didn't he live here yeah it was like he could 00:08:45.940 --> 00:08:48.240 have handled that entirely different and he didn't 00:08:48.240 --> 00:08:51.039 and i think for a while that really like did 00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:52.720 something to me because i was like well shit 00:08:53.000 --> 00:08:55.379 You're not gonna do anything about it and that's 00:08:55.379 --> 00:08:56.820 supposed to be your number one like protector. 00:08:57.360 --> 00:09:00.539 Yes Like somebody I can go to for everything. 00:09:00.539 --> 00:09:06.139 Mm -hmm. So I was like, okay Which is why I think 00:09:06.139 --> 00:09:08.860 also I think it like pushed my hyper independence 00:09:08.860 --> 00:09:12.279 because I was truly like I Really have to do 00:09:12.279 --> 00:09:17.080 everything myself when it comes down to me Like 00:09:17.080 --> 00:09:19.399 I can expect certain things from him but like 00:09:19.399 --> 00:09:24.500 other things just don't Just do it yourself. 00:09:24.980 --> 00:09:29.080 Yes Which also I think that goes back to my taste 00:09:29.080 --> 00:09:32.139 and then because kind of like if I pick Somebody 00:09:32.139 --> 00:09:34.519 who I know won't necessarily meet my expectations 00:09:34.519 --> 00:09:36.899 I can't get mad about it because I'm very much 00:09:36.899 --> 00:09:39.899 used to relying on myself but it's also like 00:09:39.899 --> 00:09:43.600 what I see it's like None of like nobody really 00:09:43.600 --> 00:09:47.019 helps you but it's more so it's not even that 00:09:47.019 --> 00:09:49.059 it's not like it's the reason I don't like these 00:09:49.059 --> 00:09:51.610 men is not because Oh, they're not giving you 00:09:51.610 --> 00:09:53.450 something. It's simply because they find every 00:09:53.450 --> 00:09:57.350 way to do you the worst. Yes every single time 00:09:57.350 --> 00:09:59.970 and then over and over again and I think that 00:09:59.970 --> 00:10:03.250 As someone who sees you because I view you so 00:10:03.250 --> 00:10:05.769 high like I view you very highly a very smart 00:10:05.769 --> 00:10:07.909 intelligent woman So when I see these situations, 00:10:07.909 --> 00:10:11.230 I'm like I get confused because I'm like this 00:10:11.230 --> 00:10:15.629 is This isn't her but it is it is you it's that 00:10:15.789 --> 00:10:17.950 It's the unhealed version of you is the heart 00:10:17.950 --> 00:10:20.350 part of you because that is all you know, you 00:10:20.350 --> 00:10:23.029 haven't known any different Yeah, and then I 00:10:23.029 --> 00:10:27.210 think Like I had to get to a place with his dad 00:10:27.210 --> 00:10:31.250 in order to like fully Accept that like and that's 00:10:31.250 --> 00:10:33.230 why like now I'm at a point where it's like how 00:10:33.230 --> 00:10:36.789 could you not like me? Like with what's -his 00:10:36.789 --> 00:10:39.970 -face? Yes, that's what I'm literally like. Oh 00:10:39.970 --> 00:10:43.450 What do you what do you mean? What are you doing? 00:10:45.220 --> 00:10:47.799 I think he just likes having access to you. Yes. 00:10:48.179 --> 00:10:51.220 Whenever it's what he wants. Yes, because he's 00:10:51.220 --> 00:10:57.149 always like, oh I'm working through jobs. Because 00:10:57.149 --> 00:10:59.570 he's the only one that I was like, okay, he has 00:10:59.570 --> 00:11:00.889 what do you remember? Like I've met him like 00:11:00.889 --> 00:11:03.330 I he's all right Like if you if you wanted a 00:11:03.330 --> 00:11:05.490 day him like he's actually put together kind 00:11:05.490 --> 00:11:08.710 of stable It's the only thing like you only asked 00:11:08.710 --> 00:11:10.389 him one thing and that was for communication 00:11:10.389 --> 00:11:12.649 time and time again He's purposely emotionally 00:11:12.649 --> 00:11:14.889 unavailable and like it's because of his parents 00:11:14.889 --> 00:11:17.649 issues that it like reflects like he I talked 00:11:17.649 --> 00:11:19.269 about this with him It's because of his like 00:11:19.269 --> 00:11:21.779 parents issues. I'm just like well, I don't That 00:11:21.779 --> 00:11:24.200 has nothing to do with me like at all and you're 00:11:24.200 --> 00:11:27.340 grown yet. Yes So it's like that's not really 00:11:27.340 --> 00:11:29.340 a valid excuse at the end of the day Like I know 00:11:29.340 --> 00:11:31.059 I have my own issues, but at the end I've tried 00:11:31.059 --> 00:11:33.100 to work on them as well Yes, and like certain 00:11:33.100 --> 00:11:35.580 things I can't work on unless I'm actually like 00:11:35.580 --> 00:11:38.759 put in the situation to work on them Yes, and 00:11:38.759 --> 00:11:40.600 it's like how can anyone judge you for the way 00:11:40.600 --> 00:11:42.399 you love if you haven't had the option to do 00:11:42.399 --> 00:11:45.879 you love your eyes? You know, so it's like that's 00:11:45.879 --> 00:11:49.039 why I was always so big. I'm like honestly if 00:11:49.039 --> 00:11:50.580 it comes down to these men and you haven't learned 00:11:50.580 --> 00:11:52.419 it yet just teach yourself that because once 00:11:52.419 --> 00:11:54.539 you get to that point where you know how much 00:11:54.539 --> 00:11:56.820 you are content with yourself and you get to 00:11:56.820 --> 00:11:59.259 a point with yourself where you're like oh i 00:11:59.259 --> 00:12:01.419 love me so much i know what i deserve i'm not 00:12:01.419 --> 00:12:03.259 dealing with this and you are at that point you 00:12:03.259 --> 00:12:19.840 don't even want to look at men anymore Do you 00:12:19.840 --> 00:12:23.059 see a future with that though? With him? No, 00:12:23.059 --> 00:12:28.419 with love. I mean, it's not something to actively 00:12:28.419 --> 00:12:36.519 seek out at this point. It's not a priority for 00:12:36.519 --> 00:12:38.559 me the way it used to be. That used to be something 00:12:38.559 --> 00:12:41.820 that if you asked me one thing I wanted to experience 00:12:41.820 --> 00:12:45.700 would be traveling. and love because I know that 00:12:45.700 --> 00:12:48.399 the world is so big so I don't want to not see 00:12:48.399 --> 00:12:51.379 as much of it as I can yes before I die because 00:12:51.379 --> 00:12:54.600 I want to travel so much and so like that and 00:12:54.600 --> 00:12:57.539 like love just because I've never had it and 00:12:57.539 --> 00:12:59.580 it's also like I know deep down I have a lot 00:12:59.580 --> 00:13:04.080 to give yes so it's like you also have a lot 00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:08.389 of love to give yes so it's like I don't And 00:13:08.389 --> 00:13:10.210 it's not like I see myself as undeserving of 00:13:10.210 --> 00:13:12.250 it like I used to but then I like Going through 00:13:12.250 --> 00:13:14.629 therapy and all that and it's like I'm not undeserving 00:13:14.629 --> 00:13:17.409 of it. I just pick the wrong people. Mm -hmm. 00:13:18.129 --> 00:13:21.210 So But trying to get out of that habit of picking 00:13:21.210 --> 00:13:25.470 the wrong people was like the hardest thing because 00:13:25.470 --> 00:13:29.429 it's like It's comforting in a way because I 00:13:29.429 --> 00:13:31.169 always knew that I didn't have much to expect 00:13:31.169 --> 00:13:33.090 to some from some people So it's not like I really 00:13:33.090 --> 00:13:38.080 had to give Give a lot. Yes kind of thing Like 00:13:38.080 --> 00:13:42.039 with his dad when he at one point was like I 00:13:42.039 --> 00:13:44.080 can't like I don't want to date because I feel 00:13:44.080 --> 00:13:46.000 like Julie break I remember that everything and 00:13:46.000 --> 00:13:49.960 I was just like what the fuck what? Okay, I said 00:13:49.960 --> 00:13:53.240 made no sense to me. And so I detached from that 00:13:53.240 --> 00:13:54.879 situation. I was just like, okay Well, you only 00:13:54.879 --> 00:13:56.879 have one thing to offer me at this point this 00:13:56.879 --> 00:14:01.000 literally so Like that's just what I'm gonna 00:14:01.000 --> 00:14:03.090 get from you and then it turns he turns around 00:14:03.090 --> 00:14:04.730 it's like well actually i want to try and i'm 00:14:04.730 --> 00:14:07.169 like so i've already turned my feelings off so 00:14:07.169 --> 00:14:09.649 i don't know how and then it's kind of like when 00:14:09.649 --> 00:14:11.750 looking back at those situations i think of everything 00:14:11.750 --> 00:14:14.370 we found out now and it's like were you bullshitting 00:14:14.370 --> 00:14:16.769 the whole time literally i feel like he just 00:14:16.769 --> 00:14:19.370 says things to see how far he can get with people 00:14:19.370 --> 00:14:22.289 like even his own place to say yes even his own 00:14:22.289 --> 00:14:25.649 own family describes him as like manipulative 00:14:25.649 --> 00:14:27.450 yes i think that's what's like if your own family 00:14:27.450 --> 00:14:29.629 is describing you as like manipulated and a liar 00:14:31.730 --> 00:14:36.629 clearly clearly sir we have bigger fish to fry 00:14:36.629 --> 00:14:40.750 um and i think we need to work on those things 00:14:40.750 --> 00:14:45.490 but like that's on him and i don't like even 00:14:45.490 --> 00:14:49.029 if he were to work on them i just don't see me 00:14:49.029 --> 00:14:52.230 being open to it at all because like i'm tired 00:14:52.230 --> 00:14:55.590 of giving people chances yes kind of like if 00:14:55.590 --> 00:14:59.710 you you can either see me Whatever happens the 00:14:59.710 --> 00:15:01.789 first time around is what you get. Yes. So if 00:15:01.789 --> 00:15:04.070 it doesn't go anywhere, then that's fine. That's 00:15:04.070 --> 00:15:08.509 kind of on you. I'm not gonna sit here and, like, 00:15:08.850 --> 00:15:12.309 beg or, like, prod someone to feel some type 00:15:12.309 --> 00:15:15.509 of way about me when I know, like, that's not 00:15:15.509 --> 00:15:18.590 something I feel like I need to do. At the end 00:15:18.590 --> 00:15:21.720 of the day, like, I think... a lot more highly 00:15:21.720 --> 00:15:24.220 of myself than i used to which is extremely good 00:15:24.220 --> 00:15:26.220 i have seen so much growth and i think therapy 00:15:26.220 --> 00:15:29.580 has been really fucking good for you like that 00:15:29.580 --> 00:15:31.419 i feel like your therapist is really good this 00:15:31.419 --> 00:15:33.659 time like i don't know same lady i don't know 00:15:33.659 --> 00:15:34.860 it's the same therapist you had a couple years 00:15:34.860 --> 00:15:36.740 ago yes like she's one of the few people that 00:15:36.740 --> 00:15:39.259 like i've connected So that's why I keep going 00:15:39.259 --> 00:15:41.000 back to her because like if I don't like somebody 00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:43.440 I'm just not going to go. That's why I left my 00:15:43.440 --> 00:15:45.220 first therapist She just kind of like stared 00:15:45.220 --> 00:15:47.600 at me the whole fucking time and like I want 00:15:47.600 --> 00:15:49.759 to try somatic therapy Which is like makes it 00:15:49.759 --> 00:15:51.799 makes you aware of like your body Yeah, is that 00:15:51.799 --> 00:15:53.320 the one where it's like they close your eyes 00:15:53.320 --> 00:15:55.539 and like bring up or press memories? I want to 00:15:55.539 --> 00:15:57.259 do that too, but I'm terrified. I'm also like 00:15:57.259 --> 00:15:58.980 if I see something I don't want to see like am 00:15:58.980 --> 00:16:02.559 I gonna see me getting like I don't really want 00:16:02.559 --> 00:16:05.889 to see that I don't need to remember that. No, 00:16:05.889 --> 00:16:07.990 and so it's like I feel like I always wonder 00:16:07.990 --> 00:16:09.950 like why don't I remember my childhood? Is that 00:16:09.950 --> 00:16:11.769 why? But remember I told you when we were having 00:16:11.769 --> 00:16:14.009 like this spiritual like connection I was like 00:16:14.009 --> 00:16:16.350 it's generally you told me the exact same thing. 00:16:16.370 --> 00:16:18.809 It's blocked out for a reason because Truly, 00:16:18.830 --> 00:16:22.210 you wouldn't be the same. No because I like I 00:16:22.210 --> 00:16:26.350 hope sorry this is cold I just don't and part 00:16:26.350 --> 00:16:28.690 of me is like okay with not knowing but I think 00:16:28.690 --> 00:16:31.970 it would benefit me more in like current situations 00:16:32.569 --> 00:16:35.009 to be aware of certain things but at the same 00:16:35.009 --> 00:16:38.570 time i'm like you really think so? kind of but 00:16:38.570 --> 00:16:41.690 i've also like i've done a lot of self -development 00:16:41.690 --> 00:16:45.669 where i'm aware of why i do things it's more 00:16:45.669 --> 00:16:49.149 so on me to kind of like not do them so that's 00:16:49.149 --> 00:16:50.789 why i go back and forth with like wanting to 00:16:50.789 --> 00:16:55.590 find this automatic therapist um just because 00:16:55.590 --> 00:16:59.370 i'm like will will do more harm than good in 00:16:59.370 --> 00:17:03.059 the long run yeah And I think I really want I 00:17:03.059 --> 00:17:04.619 was trying to get the specific therapist but 00:17:04.619 --> 00:17:06.339 she doesn't take my insurance yet So I have to 00:17:06.339 --> 00:17:08.859 wait on that but I really want to go to therapy 00:17:08.859 --> 00:17:13.900 again. It's just I I'm so self -aware. It's like 00:17:13.900 --> 00:17:16.299 in my head. It's like I know what she's gonna 00:17:16.299 --> 00:17:19.799 tell me cuz I've told myself Yes, I I know but 00:17:19.799 --> 00:17:22.539 it's like I feel like the one issue I have with 00:17:22.539 --> 00:17:25.079 myself. I kind of just blame fucking everything 00:17:25.079 --> 00:17:27.859 And I feel like a therapist would help me with 00:17:27.859 --> 00:17:30.329 that make me realize okay hey this is not your 00:17:30.329 --> 00:17:33.009 fault yes because some things like i'm aware 00:17:33.009 --> 00:17:35.349 of and like i can say it to myself but at the 00:17:35.349 --> 00:17:38.250 same time i'm only gonna listen there if another 00:17:38.250 --> 00:17:41.130 person says it truly and that's one of my worst 00:17:41.130 --> 00:17:43.869 traits hate is it but like i need somebody else 00:17:43.869 --> 00:17:46.890 to let me know and now i'm like oh damn now i 00:17:46.890 --> 00:17:49.190 see it because she had told me that before and 00:17:49.190 --> 00:17:51.369 was like you're very self -aware like you you 00:17:51.369 --> 00:17:53.710 know why you do things you just keep doing them 00:17:53.710 --> 00:17:58.650 and i'm like you know You're absolutely right. 00:17:59.250 --> 00:18:02.589 And I don't know why. And I think one, I wouldn't 00:18:02.589 --> 00:18:04.269 say like it's a flaw, but I think one thing I 00:18:04.269 --> 00:18:07.450 could get better at is like, I would say I am 00:18:07.450 --> 00:18:09.529 one in a million when it comes to love. Like 00:18:09.529 --> 00:18:12.250 I found a partner so young and I have a great 00:18:12.250 --> 00:18:14.250 relationship. We've never broken up. There's 00:18:14.250 --> 00:18:16.410 never been cheating, like nothing. And it's such 00:18:16.410 --> 00:18:20.490 a solid relationship. But I think me feeling 00:18:20.490 --> 00:18:22.210 so highly of you, I'm like, well, why doesn't 00:18:22.210 --> 00:18:25.329 she get it? In my head, I feel like I come off, 00:18:25.450 --> 00:18:28.559 I don't, I'm not insensitive in any way because 00:18:28.559 --> 00:18:30.500 I truly am I've never been sensitive towards 00:18:30.500 --> 00:18:32.839 you all I do is care but I feel like it comes 00:18:32.839 --> 00:18:35.619 off sometimes that way because it's kind of like 00:18:35.619 --> 00:18:38.640 bitch two together yes when it's like yes out 00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:40.380 of like you know tough love in a way but it's 00:18:40.380 --> 00:18:43.480 also like Zoe you granted like all the boyfriends 00:18:43.480 --> 00:18:45.539 I've had before have always left me for another 00:18:45.539 --> 00:18:47.539 woman so that's one thing I deal with me chief 00:18:47.539 --> 00:18:50.519 or like wait I'm always kind of like suspicious 00:18:50.519 --> 00:18:52.440 for everything and I think that's the trauma 00:18:52.440 --> 00:18:54.640 I carry but I've never I've never been in a position 00:18:54.640 --> 00:18:58.259 like you so it's like I try to acknowledge that 00:18:58.259 --> 00:19:01.319 and tell myself like okay hey well you do have 00:19:01.319 --> 00:19:03.220 a luxury that you didn't go through this you 00:19:03.220 --> 00:19:06.700 know and you don't have these situations so empathize 00:19:06.700 --> 00:19:09.559 with that understand that but the part of me 00:19:09.559 --> 00:19:11.980 who also sees you so high and loves you so much 00:19:11.980 --> 00:19:15.460 I'm like well damn bitch You deserve a fucking 00:19:15.460 --> 00:19:17.420 the world. What are you doing right now? And 00:19:17.420 --> 00:19:20.339 I think having the experience like experiencing 00:19:20.339 --> 00:19:22.200 the same thing over and over and over I kind 00:19:22.200 --> 00:19:24.900 of got mentally to a point where I was like is 00:19:24.900 --> 00:19:27.640 that something I deserve words like I started 00:19:27.640 --> 00:19:30.279 to question it myself Well, you want people like 00:19:30.279 --> 00:19:32.839 I think for me what would irritate me is someone 00:19:32.839 --> 00:19:35.380 would show you their whole ass Like they would 00:19:35.380 --> 00:19:38.220 go dirtball and then it's like you would acknowledge 00:19:38.220 --> 00:19:40.519 that you've got game What the fuck like someone 00:19:40.519 --> 00:19:42.789 just showed you her their whole ass but you didn't 00:19:42.789 --> 00:19:44.690 take it at face value like they just kept doing 00:19:44.690 --> 00:19:51.410 it because like and i i take like i give people 00:19:51.410 --> 00:19:53.869 too much credit because i'm very like straightforward 00:19:53.869 --> 00:19:57.609 with people you are yes and so like i kind of 00:19:57.609 --> 00:19:59.410 expect everyone to be like that i don't know 00:19:59.410 --> 00:20:01.789 if that's like the autism in here or what where 00:20:01.789 --> 00:20:04.630 it's like i expect people to just be direct with 00:20:04.630 --> 00:20:06.390 me kind of thing so when people aren't direct 00:20:06.390 --> 00:20:08.970 with me i'm like Yes, cuz I'm not direct and 00:20:08.970 --> 00:20:11.089 we had those issues when we first started being 00:20:11.089 --> 00:20:13.849 friends because I'm like he said I was I was 00:20:13.849 --> 00:20:16.529 always a little pussy like I'm not direct at 00:20:16.529 --> 00:20:18.430 all and now I'm getting better being around you 00:20:18.430 --> 00:20:20.569 because you teach me how to be direct and you 00:20:20.569 --> 00:20:23.089 know Speak up and do all that so it was like 00:20:23.089 --> 00:20:24.710 it would always confuse me cuz I'm like you're 00:20:24.710 --> 00:20:27.230 teaching me how to speak up for myself But then 00:20:27.230 --> 00:20:30.650 I see you in situations and I think it was like 00:20:30.650 --> 00:20:33.309 the little girl part of me Yeah, we're wanting 00:20:33.309 --> 00:20:36.559 her dad. Yes, where it's like I wanted to be 00:20:36.559 --> 00:20:38.420 loved so it's kind of like i put up with stuff 00:20:38.420 --> 00:20:43.680 yes when i didn't necessarily need to like put 00:20:43.680 --> 00:20:51.339 up with it um are you serious that was just from 00:20:51.339 --> 00:20:57.440 one spot um so it's like i feel like once i realized 00:20:57.440 --> 00:21:00.660 that i do it because of that and like wanting 00:21:00.660 --> 00:21:04.549 that kind of acceptance i was like oh This is 00:21:04.549 --> 00:21:07.369 that's also part of the problem, but and so I 00:21:07.369 --> 00:21:12.130 kind of had to talk to myself about Like you'd 00:21:12.130 --> 00:21:15.809 be fine alone if like because that's better off 00:21:15.809 --> 00:21:18.930 than you Putting up with stuff if that made sense 00:21:18.930 --> 00:21:21.589 I it does make sense but like to bring up the 00:21:21.589 --> 00:21:23.589 aspect of like all the readings We've got all 00:21:23.589 --> 00:21:26.150 the messages I've given you or that you've received 00:21:26.150 --> 00:21:28.230 through astrology because she is astrologer. 00:21:28.230 --> 00:21:31.950 Okay. Yeah. Yes she is but the thing you click 00:21:31.950 --> 00:21:34.200 record, right? Yeah, it's okay. I was double 00:21:34.200 --> 00:21:35.980 checking to make sure it wasn't like battery 00:21:35.980 --> 00:21:40.440 low Okay. No, I made sure it was 100 but um It's 00:21:40.440 --> 00:21:43.079 like when we see all those and we hear like I 00:21:43.079 --> 00:21:45.700 love hearing About the love you will receive 00:21:45.700 --> 00:21:47.640 the man who will come in your life because every 00:21:47.640 --> 00:21:49.880 single reading and or reader has said the same 00:21:49.880 --> 00:21:53.420 thing like the same the love you Will finally 00:21:53.420 --> 00:21:56.259 deserve and I think i'm so excited for that like 00:21:56.259 --> 00:21:59.579 to see it because you're such a soft woman like 00:21:59.579 --> 00:22:03.410 you're such a hard ass Exterior but on the inside 00:22:03.410 --> 00:22:05.630 god, you're just a puddle of fucking wish like 00:22:05.630 --> 00:22:15.210 I'm a dragon we literally That was so funny well, 00:22:15.250 --> 00:22:18.569 I have a blade next to you I know But I'm like 00:22:18.569 --> 00:22:20.650 I'm so excited as your best friend to see that 00:22:20.650 --> 00:22:22.490 like I really want to see you get married one 00:22:22.490 --> 00:22:25.369 day Because like it's the love you deserve this 00:22:25.369 --> 00:22:28.890 whole time. But also you're just so like I just 00:22:28.890 --> 00:22:31.759 see you as Woman who's just head over fucking 00:22:31.759 --> 00:22:34.740 heels that but it's also like I'm very skeptical 00:22:34.740 --> 00:22:39.460 of it ever coming because of Everything else. 00:22:39.460 --> 00:22:42.200 Yeah, you haven't been shown like a BS thing 00:22:42.200 --> 00:22:45.200 And so I'm like y 'all keep saying things and 00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:47.380 I'm like, okay. Okay. Well, would you say that 00:22:47.380 --> 00:22:50.920 to me? But you're already in love. No not about 00:22:50.920 --> 00:22:52.799 love when it comes to my kids. Would you say 00:22:52.799 --> 00:22:55.359 that to me? Oh, I mean no because I tell you 00:22:55.359 --> 00:22:58.559 just like me like hopeful and like optimistic 00:22:58.559 --> 00:23:01.430 about it well no about like the certain outcomes 00:23:01.430 --> 00:23:03.509 we've had would you tell me oh hey that's not 00:23:03.509 --> 00:23:06.150 i don't believe that's gonna come true oh no 00:23:06.150 --> 00:23:07.990 because i don't think you'll go through the same 00:23:07.990 --> 00:23:10.269 experiences again like i feel like i don't think 00:23:10.269 --> 00:23:13.369 you will either so i think it's unfair to not 00:23:13.369 --> 00:23:17.630 allow yourself the The chance for it, you know, 00:23:17.750 --> 00:23:19.809 mm -hmm But I did tell you I was like you will 00:23:19.809 --> 00:23:22.410 get to a point where you don't find any interest 00:23:22.410 --> 00:23:24.349 in men But it will be one of the things where 00:23:24.349 --> 00:23:26.690 you low key try to deny the man who does come 00:23:26.690 --> 00:23:30.069 forward But he just kind of pushes past it literally 00:23:30.069 --> 00:23:32.430 and I like because I'm literally I look at people 00:23:32.430 --> 00:23:36.910 and I'm like What do you want with a guy it's 00:23:36.910 --> 00:23:38.730 actually aggressive at this point like people 00:23:38.730 --> 00:23:41.710 I remember the face time yesterday. What the 00:23:41.710 --> 00:23:47.519 fuck? Cause what? What do you want? You're in 00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:49.140 a car. What do you want? If it's in my tank, 00:23:49.160 --> 00:23:53.079 it gets the fuck out of my face. I just don't 00:23:53.079 --> 00:23:55.640 want to talk to people. I have other things to 00:23:55.640 --> 00:23:57.819 focus on. Like, are you gonna buy me an enzyme 00:23:57.819 --> 00:24:00.619 deal? I need about a thousand dollars worth of 00:24:00.619 --> 00:24:03.680 skincare stuff, gang. Are you gonna do that? 00:24:04.859 --> 00:24:06.920 That's one way to get my attention. Have you 00:24:06.920 --> 00:24:11.140 ever talked to your dad about it? No. No? Because, 00:24:11.279 --> 00:24:13.400 well actually I did, after I blocked him for 00:24:13.400 --> 00:24:17.369 a month. I had we had like called and like I 00:24:17.369 --> 00:24:19.049 talked to him on the phone and stuff and I was 00:24:19.049 --> 00:24:22.430 like I had Said that I wanted to be closer with 00:24:22.430 --> 00:24:25.210 him and stuff like that. Um, and like he was 00:24:25.210 --> 00:24:26.809 like I'll try to work on it and stuff like that 00:24:26.809 --> 00:24:28.369 Obviously, but I don't know if it's like his 00:24:28.369 --> 00:24:30.950 disease or whatever. He's in the parking. Yeah 00:24:30.950 --> 00:24:32.829 I don't know if that has something to do with 00:24:32.829 --> 00:24:35.950 it or like cuz he's surely just like not an emotional 00:24:35.950 --> 00:24:39.930 Man, either. Is he emotional either? um, yeah, 00:24:39.930 --> 00:24:42.029 he sounds like he said he'll say I love you and 00:24:42.029 --> 00:24:45.279 stuff like that, but like He's he's affectionate 00:24:45.279 --> 00:24:48.700 with her Like when they when he sees her he was 00:24:48.700 --> 00:24:50.779 like he'll give her hugs and stuff like that. 00:24:50.960 --> 00:24:55.660 Um, but I'm like I never Really like we're not 00:24:55.660 --> 00:24:57.940 like call on the phone and like make kind of 00:24:57.940 --> 00:25:01.299 relationship. Yes And so but I had told him when 00:25:01.299 --> 00:25:03.720 we started talking like a while back I was like, 00:25:03.819 --> 00:25:07.000 I mean like I do want you to be like Closer closer 00:25:07.000 --> 00:25:08.700 like emotionally something that like I would 00:25:08.700 --> 00:25:10.880 want him to like walk me down the aisle and stuff 00:25:11.459 --> 00:25:13.359 Hit my wedding and he was like, oh I would want 00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:16.319 to do that too Like I don't want to lose my relationship 00:25:16.319 --> 00:25:18.920 with you and stuff like that and that's kind 00:25:18.920 --> 00:25:22.279 of like the only time it's ever Come up. Mm -hmm 00:25:22.279 --> 00:25:25.180 But it's like I just kind of accepted that he's 00:25:25.180 --> 00:25:27.960 not very You know, that's just not him. Yeah, 00:25:27.960 --> 00:25:31.480 and it's not like there's not much I can do about 00:25:31.480 --> 00:25:33.319 it Like you can't really force him like he shows 00:25:33.319 --> 00:25:36.799 up how he knows how or like in the best way that 00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:41.160 is for him Mm -hmm. So I don't really Same way 00:25:41.160 --> 00:25:43.339 with my mom. I try and I kind of just have gotten 00:25:43.339 --> 00:25:50.799 past her issues and don't really Fault her like 00:25:50.799 --> 00:25:53.160 I'm gonna fault her but not really at this point 00:25:53.160 --> 00:25:55.880 because it's like that's just That's just how 00:25:55.880 --> 00:25:59.500 she is. That's I can't Especially being the age 00:25:59.500 --> 00:26:03.119 that they're I can't force them to change. Mm 00:26:03.119 --> 00:26:07.740 -hmm. So Like I just kind of meet them where 00:26:07.740 --> 00:26:10.059 they're at? Well and see that's where I was like 00:26:10.059 --> 00:26:12.059 I was kind of like that in high school well no 00:26:12.059 --> 00:26:13.700 kind of the opposite I kind of just defended 00:26:13.700 --> 00:26:15.539 them for everything because I'm like I would 00:26:15.539 --> 00:26:17.599 I heard that phrase like oh this is their first 00:26:17.599 --> 00:26:20.539 time living too and so I always be like okay 00:26:20.539 --> 00:26:22.240 well you know she's still learning in this but 00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:25.640 I'm like no that's not fair it's not fair to 00:26:25.640 --> 00:26:29.359 me no because there's no way I am getting past 00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:32.549 it but you're 40 something and you're not It's 00:26:32.549 --> 00:26:34.529 like yeah, that is just what you are. You can't 00:26:34.529 --> 00:26:36.329 at that point It's like that's why I don't try 00:26:36.329 --> 00:26:38.750 with anybody anymore because I'm like if you're 00:26:38.750 --> 00:26:42.069 that old and you Have not done anything. It's 00:26:42.069 --> 00:26:44.269 like I hate to say I've given up on you. But 00:26:44.269 --> 00:26:46.750 like yeah I got to a point where I was like I 00:26:46.750 --> 00:26:50.869 just have to see them for what they give me at 00:26:50.869 --> 00:26:54.289 this point and I can't ask them to give me more 00:26:54.289 --> 00:26:58.069 than like Like me I expect I don't it's like 00:26:58.069 --> 00:26:59.809 kind of like I expect too much of them, but it's 00:26:59.809 --> 00:27:03.220 also like I'm just expecting I stopped expecting 00:27:03.220 --> 00:27:06.460 too much of them, and I just expect just enough. 00:27:06.720 --> 00:27:08.180 Well, because that same sentiment, it's like 00:27:08.180 --> 00:27:11.019 I don't want to disappoint myself and build myself 00:27:11.019 --> 00:27:12.839 up, you know, and expect this relationship with 00:27:12.839 --> 00:27:14.720 somebody. I'm not going to get it. Yeah. I'm 00:27:14.720 --> 00:27:16.759 not going to get what I want. So it's like I 00:27:16.759 --> 00:27:19.700 just got to take what's there. Yes. And so that's 00:27:19.700 --> 00:27:22.539 kind of like how I got with me as well. It's 00:27:22.539 --> 00:27:28.079 like I'm not going to keep trying. Like, what's 00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:31.990 his face? I was like, you just. I can rely on 00:27:31.990 --> 00:27:34.609 you for certain things and then after that, can't 00:27:34.609 --> 00:27:36.190 really rely on you for much else. Like I know 00:27:36.190 --> 00:27:39.190 my limits. Yeah. Like if I call you, I know you're 00:27:39.190 --> 00:27:42.210 not going to pick up. Which it shouldn't be like 00:27:42.210 --> 00:27:43.789 that at all. Like there should be someone who 00:27:43.789 --> 00:27:46.609 you should call no matter what. Yeah. So it's 00:27:46.609 --> 00:27:50.049 like if you say that you like me and like I can't 00:27:50.049 --> 00:27:52.049 call it, like if I call you and I need help and 00:27:52.049 --> 00:27:54.710 you don't pick up, it's like, do you actually 00:27:54.710 --> 00:27:57.390 do that? Because I'll pick up on the first ring. 00:27:58.259 --> 00:28:00.660 That's just who I am unless I literally like 00:28:00.660 --> 00:28:02.640 just don't see my phone. Yeah, literally because 00:28:02.640 --> 00:28:05.859 it's like If you need me maybe yeah, and it's 00:28:05.859 --> 00:28:08.839 like I can't really rely on you or it's like 00:28:08.839 --> 00:28:11.200 I can for like a week and then you go back to 00:28:11.200 --> 00:28:14.900 being Which is so unpredictable like in the wind 00:28:14.900 --> 00:28:17.359 and I'm like, I'm not I don't want to deal with 00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:20.640 that either because what how was that going to 00:28:20.640 --> 00:28:25.259 get my mustache I'm trying to Like how is that 00:28:25.259 --> 00:28:29.019 going to be beneficial? for me like if we were 00:28:29.019 --> 00:28:32.059 to actually be serious it wouldn't I wouldn't 00:28:32.059 --> 00:28:33.880 be able to call you like I'd have to call six 00:28:33.880 --> 00:28:37.880 different people before I could call you like 00:28:37.880 --> 00:28:39.759 you would be the last on my list and that shouldn't 00:28:39.759 --> 00:28:42.779 be how it is in a relationship like you should 00:28:42.779 --> 00:28:44.839 be the first person I should be able to call 00:28:44.839 --> 00:28:46.759 and like you pick up on like the first or second 00:28:46.759 --> 00:28:49.059 ring because there would be times I would call 00:28:49.059 --> 00:28:51.779 him he would answer literally while he's at work 00:28:51.779 --> 00:28:53.839 and other times like I call him I don't hear 00:28:53.839 --> 00:28:56.319 he doesn't call me back until like a week later 00:28:56.569 --> 00:28:59.509 Yes, I remember. And so I'm like, you say one 00:28:59.509 --> 00:29:02.109 thing, but your behavior doesn't match at all. 00:29:02.589 --> 00:29:04.589 Match, and I'm not really sure. Like, I'm not 00:29:04.589 --> 00:29:08.230 gonna keep questioning things. Like, I'm just 00:29:08.230 --> 00:29:10.410 literally gonna take it, take you for face value, 00:29:10.470 --> 00:29:12.609 what you're showing me right then and there. 00:29:17.130 --> 00:29:20.150 So... I'm gonna vacuum your nose. And even, since 00:29:20.150 --> 00:29:23.630 I'm blinding. Yeah. I can't get up my nails, 00:29:23.769 --> 00:29:27.859 though. You shouldn't. Respectable. Not anymore. 00:29:29.039 --> 00:29:38.160 Not anymore. But I think so many people in our 00:29:38.160 --> 00:29:40.779 generation just have given up on love overall 00:29:40.779 --> 00:29:44.299 and like I can't blame them because honestly 00:29:44.299 --> 00:29:47.039 all I see is like I hate to say it men are horrible 00:29:47.039 --> 00:29:53.019 like I don't see. The men are the women. Exactly, 00:29:53.220 --> 00:29:55.940 it's genuinely like, what the fuck is happening 00:29:55.940 --> 00:30:03.579 right now? I couldn't. Also, I don't want to 00:30:03.579 --> 00:30:08.619 bother with people because exposure therapy, 00:30:08.680 --> 00:30:10.460 we keep seeing the same thing over and over and 00:30:10.460 --> 00:30:13.660 over. So it's like why I'm being met with the 00:30:13.660 --> 00:30:19.339 same outcome each time. Yes. So why bother? Because 00:30:19.339 --> 00:30:22.059 like with her dad I tried to give him the benefit 00:30:22.059 --> 00:30:25.759 of the doubt For a very long time. Yes, and then 00:30:25.759 --> 00:30:28.700 I got to a point where I was like bitch Look, 00:30:28.700 --> 00:30:35.559 he's not This is not this is not it at all get 00:30:35.559 --> 00:30:41.819 it together Stop expecting a lot Which is also 00:30:41.819 --> 00:30:44.079 how is that like affected your relation like 00:30:44.079 --> 00:30:46.180 your self -worth your your thought with yourself 00:30:46.180 --> 00:30:48.670 like Have you seen a difference from like say 00:30:48.670 --> 00:30:53.450 when you were like 25 from now? Yes, I value 00:30:53.450 --> 00:31:00.210 myself a lot more. Are you a dead bitch? Oh thank 00:31:00.210 --> 00:31:07.630 god. I'm not talking. Um, yes, because um... 00:31:07.630 --> 00:31:11.710 Is that for me? A little bit. Um, like I used 00:31:11.710 --> 00:31:14.259 to... I would fight for the same person over 00:31:14.259 --> 00:31:16.519 and over and over and like I would not take no 00:31:16.519 --> 00:31:18.559 for an answer or it's like I would do things 00:31:18.559 --> 00:31:22.400 that just didn't like really make it seem like 00:31:22.400 --> 00:31:27.920 I had valued myself at all um and so very much 00:31:27.920 --> 00:31:33.240 then and now it's entirely different people um 00:31:33.240 --> 00:31:35.339 but that's also why I'm kind of like at a point 00:31:35.339 --> 00:31:39.660 where I'm like I don't want to be bothered by 00:31:39.660 --> 00:31:43.819 people because If I'm holding myself to such 00:31:43.819 --> 00:31:46.940 a high standard now, then it's like really, what 00:31:46.940 --> 00:31:50.619 are you going to do for me? Like I've seen, I've 00:31:50.619 --> 00:31:53.380 seen what I can do for myself. Just for myself 00:31:53.380 --> 00:31:55.559 and like on my own. So until you can show me 00:31:55.559 --> 00:31:57.920 more and sometimes I don't. There's really not 00:31:57.920 --> 00:32:07.839 much, sorry, for us to be doing. The buttons 00:32:07.839 --> 00:32:11.589 aren't that bad. It's also not the lowest suction 00:32:11.589 --> 00:32:19.950 so Um But no it's kind of I think that's also 00:32:19.950 --> 00:32:22.269 what's made it harder Lately because it's like 00:32:22.269 --> 00:32:26.130 I've been through a lot and yes year a lot So 00:32:26.130 --> 00:32:27.930 it's kind of like if I've been able to carry 00:32:27.930 --> 00:32:30.069 myself through all this you truly have to do 00:32:30.069 --> 00:32:34.230 something like extravagant in order for me to 00:32:34.230 --> 00:32:40.019 Pay attention to you Because otherwise What like 00:32:40.019 --> 00:32:42.319 what is the point? What are we what am I gonna 00:32:42.319 --> 00:32:44.240 gain from it? It's like I remember you actually 00:32:44.240 --> 00:32:46.619 like telling me it's like a point when you were 00:32:46.619 --> 00:32:47.819 talking to like a couple different people at 00:32:47.819 --> 00:32:49.359 the time I remember you telling me you were like 00:32:49.359 --> 00:32:50.640 I'm talking to all these people and you were 00:32:50.640 --> 00:32:52.900 like they all want to hang out and do stuff but 00:32:52.900 --> 00:32:55.279 not one of them is asking a date this far and 00:32:55.279 --> 00:32:58.880 I think it was like like two months and I'm like 00:32:58.880 --> 00:33:02.619 No, I understand that cuz why? You haven't even 00:33:02.619 --> 00:33:06.079 asked on a date yet. What is this? And it's like 00:33:06.079 --> 00:33:09.279 nobody wants to actually go out and like date 00:33:09.279 --> 00:33:11.180 or like court anyone is quite literally can you 00:33:11.180 --> 00:33:12.539 come over it's like How do you know I'm not gonna 00:33:12.539 --> 00:33:14.720 rob you? But it's also like I feel like everybody 00:33:14.720 --> 00:33:17.180 nowadays. It's like oh, let's fuck and that's 00:33:17.180 --> 00:33:20.160 the relationship Yes, nobody. I think nobody 00:33:20.160 --> 00:33:22.619 has like real love anymore, which I think is 00:33:22.619 --> 00:33:26.779 also Extremely magical that I met you because 00:33:26.779 --> 00:33:29.960 I can show you what real love looks like I do 00:33:29.960 --> 00:33:31.400 have a relationship because there's a lot of 00:33:31.400 --> 00:33:34.049 things you showed me that I don't have and they 00:33:34.049 --> 00:33:36.190 show me a really good mindset of it. So it's 00:33:36.190 --> 00:33:38.769 like, I hope sometimes I can be that reassurance 00:33:38.769 --> 00:33:41.029 for you that it is out there and I don't want 00:33:41.029 --> 00:33:43.009 you to give up on it. Yes. And it's like, I love 00:33:43.009 --> 00:33:45.190 you and me choose relationship because like you 00:33:45.190 --> 00:33:46.710 have like your arguments and stuff like that, 00:33:46.710 --> 00:33:49.730 but you never like give up on each other. No 00:33:49.730 --> 00:33:55.529 matter how difficult or like, like painful the 00:33:55.529 --> 00:33:57.309 situation may be, like you have to always come 00:33:57.309 --> 00:34:01.410 out on it out of it better than you were before. 00:34:01.549 --> 00:34:05.029 Yes. So it's kind of like I know that it's out 00:34:05.029 --> 00:34:06.529 there, but it's also like it would be something 00:34:06.529 --> 00:34:09.170 that like actually you need to see. Yes. But 00:34:09.170 --> 00:34:11.449 it's also like I also got to a point where I'm 00:34:11.449 --> 00:34:13.449 like, it's OK if it doesn't happen to me because 00:34:13.449 --> 00:34:16.530 I know I'm capable of doing things for myself 00:34:16.530 --> 00:34:18.829 and like I still have friends in my life. You've 00:34:18.829 --> 00:34:21.010 reached that point where like, OK, like if I 00:34:21.010 --> 00:34:23.469 had to, you know, be alone, I would still find 00:34:23.469 --> 00:34:25.170 a way to be happy. You know, I can travel. I 00:34:25.170 --> 00:34:28.250 can, you know, do what makes me happy. But I 00:34:28.250 --> 00:34:31.360 have my kids and stuff like I'm happy. with them 00:34:31.360 --> 00:34:33.460 and their love kind of thing. So like it may 00:34:33.460 --> 00:34:35.780 not always be a romantic type of love, but I 00:34:35.780 --> 00:34:40.340 still do feel loved in a way. But like thinking 00:34:40.340 --> 00:34:42.320 in like a little girl way, I think there's always 00:34:42.320 --> 00:34:44.780 that part in women where it's like, damn, I kind 00:34:44.780 --> 00:34:47.340 of wanted my prince. Like I wanted my fairy tale. 00:34:47.800 --> 00:34:49.780 Yes, because I also don't want it to get to a 00:34:49.780 --> 00:34:51.539 point where it's like I meet somebody and like 00:34:51.539 --> 00:34:54.400 my dad isn't here. Because I actually do want 00:34:54.400 --> 00:34:57.219 him to walk me down the aisle and be part of 00:34:57.219 --> 00:34:59.280 my wedding and stuff like that. So I'm kind of 00:34:59.280 --> 00:35:02.880 worried that it would be too late. How old is 00:35:02.880 --> 00:35:07.280 he? He's 68, but he's old. He's got Parkinson's, 00:35:07.280 --> 00:35:13.019 so he could die. Or not be able to walk or anything 00:35:13.019 --> 00:35:16.940 like that. Or his memory is getting worse. He'll 00:35:16.940 --> 00:35:18.960 ask me the same question three times or forgive 00:35:18.960 --> 00:35:21.500 that he paid for something or didn't pay for 00:35:21.500 --> 00:35:25.679 something. but not to be up your ass but like 00:35:25.679 --> 00:35:28.559 you forgot or like you already sent money for 00:35:28.559 --> 00:35:32.019 this like i don't i didn't need that yeah kind 00:35:32.019 --> 00:35:38.639 of thing so like i don't i don't want him to 00:35:38.639 --> 00:35:41.219 get to a point where he has to miss out on things 00:35:41.219 --> 00:35:43.440 or like where i miss out on something with him 00:35:43.440 --> 00:35:54.300 um just because of his condition How do you clean 00:35:54.300 --> 00:35:58.920 that? But no, like I want and like my relationship 00:35:58.920 --> 00:36:01.019 with my mom has gotten a lot better but that's 00:36:01.019 --> 00:36:06.719 also because again I stopped expecting more than 00:36:06.719 --> 00:36:14.079 what the flash was on. Like more than what I 00:36:14.079 --> 00:36:17.659 kind of should from her, if that makes sense. 00:36:19.840 --> 00:36:23.269 So yeah just kind of I don't know, I kind of 00:36:23.269 --> 00:36:26.429 meet people where there are yes and like what 00:36:26.429 --> 00:36:30.289 they show me. I don't really, I try not to ask 00:36:30.289 --> 00:36:33.090 or over extend yes. And that's just why I'm like 00:36:33.090 --> 00:36:36.130 in relationships. If you're showing me one thing, 00:36:36.130 --> 00:36:42.570 I'm not going to try to like buy your love, but 00:36:42.570 --> 00:36:48.570 like do too much to get, get that from you. Why 00:36:48.570 --> 00:36:51.130 will you not focus? Which I think a lot of my 00:36:51.130 --> 00:36:56.719 listeners, relate to just because I know like 00:36:56.719 --> 00:36:59.239 so many of them like I see reposts and shit of 00:36:59.239 --> 00:37:00.559 like the people who follow me and stuff like 00:37:00.559 --> 00:37:02.619 a lot of people have a lot of troubles in love 00:37:02.619 --> 00:37:06.679 and a lot of trauma with love as well because 00:37:06.679 --> 00:37:09.800 life is shitty it's really shitty and it's like 00:37:09.800 --> 00:37:12.579 I feel like you having a different perspective 00:37:12.579 --> 00:37:15.039 in a different outlook in different situations 00:37:15.039 --> 00:37:20.010 helps also kind of diversify it and attack needs 00:37:20.010 --> 00:37:22.030 and addresses things that need to be addressed 00:37:22.030 --> 00:37:25.690 but also allows people to empathize with you 00:37:25.690 --> 00:37:28.429 and understand you but also kind of come to that 00:37:28.429 --> 00:37:31.030 point where you are where you because you're 00:37:31.030 --> 00:37:49.269 32 Jordan's 32 y 'all Yeah, we're literally nine 00:37:49.269 --> 00:37:50.590 months apart. So it's like when he was born, 00:37:50.670 --> 00:37:53.909 I was getting conceived. I literally thought 00:37:53.909 --> 00:37:56.869 you were like 25. Everyone thinks I am. Because 00:37:56.869 --> 00:37:59.929 you're young. You look, girl, you do not. Granted, 00:37:59.949 --> 00:38:02.289 30 is not old at all, but you look like you're 00:38:02.289 --> 00:38:05.809 in your 20s. Thank you. But like, I think, because 00:38:05.809 --> 00:38:07.929 a lot of my listeners, granted, a lot of my listeners 00:38:07.929 --> 00:38:10.230 are in their 30s. Honestly, I think one of my 00:38:10.230 --> 00:38:13.809 biggest age ranges is 25 to 34. So I think a 00:38:13.809 --> 00:38:15.690 lot of women in that time, because you know they 00:38:15.690 --> 00:38:17.909 like to call their midlife prices. Don't know 00:38:17.909 --> 00:38:20.130 why I try to be spot -rolling every day. So maybe 00:38:20.130 --> 00:38:22.469 that's why I haven't been there yet I think i've 00:38:22.469 --> 00:38:24.510 had a midlife crisis every year of my life, but 00:38:24.510 --> 00:38:27.809 I haven't had 30 yet So i'm like, I think they 00:38:27.809 --> 00:38:29.989 will have a lot of insight from you and I think 00:38:29.989 --> 00:38:32.329 they could also give you a lot of insight Because 00:38:32.329 --> 00:38:34.289 they reply back they give their opinions. So 00:38:34.289 --> 00:38:37.130 i'm like They could help you but you could also 00:38:37.130 --> 00:38:39.969 be helping them in how you find yourself. You 00:38:39.969 --> 00:38:43.449 know, you you found yourself again yes and like 00:38:43.449 --> 00:38:45.750 having a child also or children I should say 00:38:45.750 --> 00:38:50.710 my bad dog um but also like there's something 00:38:50.710 --> 00:38:55.230 because like you you completely forget yourself 00:38:55.230 --> 00:38:57.889 mm -hmm like you toss all of yourself to the 00:38:57.889 --> 00:39:01.829 side for a while and then it's like I have to 00:39:01.829 --> 00:39:04.170 reel it back in yes because that's the episode 00:39:04.170 --> 00:39:06.329 I made about motherhood and stuff I talked about 00:39:06.329 --> 00:39:08.889 you a lot in that episode because That's the 00:39:08.889 --> 00:39:11.409 part of motherhood you show me, because I really 00:39:11.409 --> 00:39:14.190 want motherhood, and you show me a perfect example 00:39:14.190 --> 00:39:16.269 of motherhood. Like, right now, your kid is here, 00:39:16.289 --> 00:39:18.210 but you're still doing your hobbies. You're still 00:39:18.210 --> 00:39:20.829 doing what you want to do. You still shop for 00:39:20.829 --> 00:39:23.150 yourself, cater to yourself, and love yourself 00:39:23.150 --> 00:39:24.610 authentically. And I think that's really good 00:39:24.610 --> 00:39:27.230 for Ayla as well, because that shows her, like, 00:39:27.369 --> 00:39:29.489 oh, like... My mom's a fucking G. What are you 00:39:29.489 --> 00:39:32.610 talking about right now? She is a big driving 00:39:32.610 --> 00:39:35.550 force for me. Despite the fact that I want to 00:39:35.550 --> 00:39:39.570 knock her out 90 % of the time, I truly am very 00:39:39.570 --> 00:39:42.949 grateful that I had her, even if her dad also 00:39:42.949 --> 00:39:47.429 is a pain in my fucking ass. Like, her being 00:39:47.429 --> 00:39:49.409 a burger was really funny just because it makes 00:39:49.409 --> 00:39:52.789 a lot of sense. Why? She's really made me get 00:39:52.789 --> 00:39:57.219 my life together. um and like being because i've 00:39:57.219 --> 00:40:02.280 i have grown don't start i've grown a lot since 00:40:02.280 --> 00:40:04.500 having her like i have to be an example for her 00:40:04.500 --> 00:40:07.760 because who else is going to be an example for 00:40:07.760 --> 00:40:09.599 her so it's kind of like i have to show her the 00:40:09.599 --> 00:40:12.260 best representation of everything but i think 00:40:12.260 --> 00:40:13.940 that's why i also spoil her because i'm like 00:40:13.940 --> 00:40:17.460 she has to experience the best of everything 00:40:17.460 --> 00:40:20.139 and she has the opportunity to yes like i refuse 00:40:20.139 --> 00:40:24.289 to take something from her or not show her that 00:40:24.289 --> 00:40:26.710 the world is literally her oyster. Like I'd rather 00:40:26.710 --> 00:40:29.510 my kid be a brat than feel unloved. Yes because 00:40:29.510 --> 00:40:31.269 like I remember what I felt like as a child and 00:40:31.269 --> 00:40:34.150 I definitely felt unloved and like I didn't get 00:40:34.150 --> 00:40:35.909 enough attention and stuff like that so it's 00:40:35.909 --> 00:40:38.630 like I never want her to feel like I didn't pay 00:40:38.630 --> 00:40:42.150 attention to her interests or try to support 00:40:42.150 --> 00:40:44.940 them or do whatever like if she were to tell 00:40:44.940 --> 00:40:47.239 me she wanted to go to some NASA museum or be 00:40:47.239 --> 00:40:49.840 a rocket scientist I'd be like okay let me figure 00:40:49.840 --> 00:40:52.579 out how. That's literally why like I can agree 00:40:52.579 --> 00:40:54.420 with that because like even though Tootie's not 00:40:54.420 --> 00:40:57.920 my kid she kind of is like I feel that same sentiment 00:40:57.920 --> 00:40:59.900 with her like I want to be her role model I want 00:40:59.900 --> 00:41:02.880 to show her like hey you know don't stop keep 00:41:02.880 --> 00:41:05.500 going but also like whatever you want to do the 00:41:05.500 --> 00:41:08.170 world is your oyster like nobody Nobody came 00:41:08.170 --> 00:41:10.650 to, I was in like six different fucking sports. 00:41:11.110 --> 00:41:12.849 Nobody would come. I always had to get a ride 00:41:12.849 --> 00:41:14.789 with somebody. Like I think my mom only started 00:41:14.789 --> 00:41:16.510 coming in high school cause like she met her 00:41:16.510 --> 00:41:18.949 boyfriend and he wanted to come. And then like 00:41:18.949 --> 00:41:20.769 once I had seen a year, she didn't come anymore, 00:41:21.510 --> 00:41:23.389 but she would always, she's very performative. 00:41:23.590 --> 00:41:25.829 So it was like, she would show up and try to 00:41:25.829 --> 00:41:29.289 do every sign and be like world's best mom. And 00:41:29.289 --> 00:41:30.690 then would pull me over to the site and cuss 00:41:30.690 --> 00:41:34.150 me out. Like she's one of them. And so like, 00:41:34.269 --> 00:41:37.030 how you do with Ayla because I know I'm also 00:41:37.030 --> 00:41:39.550 a big point in Ayla's life so it's like that's 00:41:39.550 --> 00:41:41.449 why I like coming with you to her gymnastics 00:41:41.449 --> 00:41:43.650 because it's like I want to help support your 00:41:43.650 --> 00:41:47.070 dreams like you can be anything you fucking want 00:41:47.070 --> 00:41:49.949 yes so I agree with you on that sentiment