Guys is this thing on? It is your host Zoe and
I'm back with another freaking episode today
I did I over share podcast and I am so happy
to be talking to you guys I hope you guys had
a great Christmas a great New Year and everything
is you know going good Personally, I I think
I am Ready for the new year. I'm excited for
the new year. I definitely want to release some
Episodes about like of course what have I learned
in 2025 but 2025 was a lot so I really am still
working on that episode I do want to have another
vision board one coming out soon But I also wanted
to talk to you guys I wanted to hear your guys's
opinion on this because this is something I think
I want to start doing I want to kind of branch
out my episode topic starting today. I wanted
to feel more of so like a girl talk rather than
I feel like the conversations I have are very
nuanced, like they're everywhere. Like I choose,
like I feel like my conversations behind the
topics are deep, but the topics themselves are
like stuff we see circulating every day on social
media, right? So I kind of want to hit like deeper
more complex not really like complex But like
those kind of topics like the one I'm doing today
and before we get into this episode I just want
you guys to know I love you so much. Thank you
for already listening this Episode will have
a video recording, but it's not gonna be my face
It's just gonna be like something to keep you
entertained if you wanna watch it on YouTube
still. And if you do end up liking and enjoying,
please leave a five -star rating. They help my
podcast so much. And a review. And everything
is down in the show notes below where you can
find all my links and everything like that. But
yeah, today's episode is does having children
devalue a woman? And I've been thinking about
this topic. I never knew how to word like word
it. I would always just jot down my thoughts
in my notes app or like on paper. But I have
been thinking about this for I think over a year
now because it's something I see so much in the
day -to -day life and I think it's something
that needs to be addressed because nobody talks
about it. And I do want to just start with no.
I know there are women who listen to me who do
have children. I just want this like me to say
first no it does not devalue. But socially, when
I say no, I'm not saying it just like as a statement
just to put out there to, you know, ease everybody's
minds. No, I'm saying it as this is a feeling.
I know this is wrong and that this should not
be happening, but like it is. So how can I explain
that? And this is one of those topics I'm coming
to you guys about, not something that I have
solved or figured out. It's something, it's a
think piece that I'm actually still trying to
figure out my stance on it, my thought process
and everything. in the likeliness, okay? And
I don't think it's really about children. I think
when bringing up this conversation, it's not
about children, it's about the woman. I think
about what happens to women once they become
mothers and how quietly, but subtly, like naturally
just happens. It's very unnoticeable, but then
it's very noticeable at the same time. I've noticed
how women stop being introduced by their names
and like... Like when you are meeting someone.
Oh, it's like oh, this is somebody's mom. This
is blank This is blah blah blah blah, you know,
it's like oh, this is my wife. This is that it's
like I feel like everywhere we woman go now It's
like you can even look at bios. For example,
it's wife mother Right, that's that's it. That's
all it is when the woman is so much more than
that. She's so much more than that Curiosity
fades when we talk about women I feel like now
when women do have children curiosity about them
fades like their interests and everything like
that and suddenly everything about the woman
is Just through one world like now because she
asked for it, but because the world seems How
do I say it more comfortable Categoric categorizing
woman into certain sectors and boxes and limiting
them a lot. She's a mom now. She's someone's
wife. This one gets me. She's somebody's baby
mama. Oh my gosh. I have been seeing there has
been like this is a couple on TikTok that I've
been seeing and I knew she was pregnant. We all
knew she was pregnant. The whole we all knew
she was pregnant. But she had came out that she
was pregnant and then suddenly just like that
it was everybody in the comments. We got another
bitter baby mama or we got another baby mama.
We got this. We got that. First of all, why is
it always, mind you, she has openly, like this
creator has openly talked about how she wanted
kids for so long and that's the one thing she
wants is kids, yada yada yada. So what if like
she genuinely chose a man she wanted to have
kids with and had a kid? She doesn't, every comment
is about how she doesn't have a ring, she doesn't
do this, and like nothing is about her anymore.
Everybody is making it just like a defamation
show. Like when a woman does something, it always
becomes her fault, whether it's, you know, two
people. Two people thing, you know? And maybe
I'm sensitive because, you know, but language
matters to me and I feel like it shapes how we
see people and people start seeing themselves
because a lot of mothers see themselves how...
The world treats them right and I don't want
to lose myself to a title I think that's why
it's so big for me because it's something I am
striving to do in the future that I don't lose
myself Just because I have new roles right and
I don't want to feel like motherhood means shrinking
I want it to feel like an expansion like I'm
still me just holding more and I know a lot of
my listeners are young and they're like Why are
we talking about motherhood right now, right?
First of all, there are young mothers And I know
that even though I'm not one, I want to be one.
But it is a conversation I wanted to have with
you guys and myself because it's something I've
definitely worried about. I'm like, well, hey,
I have a podcast. I still want to write books.
I want to do so much more with my life. Well,
I feel some type of way if I continue to have
kids now, because honestly, it's something I've
thought about. Like, I'm like, if I sit here.
And I genuinely want to have kids right now.
How do I keep a hold on myself and my identity?
Because most women I know don't have it anymore.
And I am so much of a me person. I still want
to be me. I don't want to lose that. So it's
definitely something I have thought about a lot.
Even if I have kids 10 years from now, it's still
something I feel like needed to be touched on.
I still want to feel like me. I'm just holding
more like you know if anything like I got more
crowns and badges because I'm doing even more
shit and If I'm being honest, I never see that
modeled I don't online the shift is like immediate
when a woman is with child, right? And let me
say this first I and I know that this might sound
I hear me out when I say this I like finding
a woman's page or Instagram or something like
that and not even knowing she has Husband or
kids like I can know it and that'd be perfectly
fine But it's like as as long as she's still
being hurt. I'm like, yeah But that's not to
say that I don't like mom talking everything
with that Emily Kaiser go real bad together Okay,
like I love a good mom talk and there's some
women that are just meant for like that's they're
good as fuck at that and that's what it should
be okay to do that rather than have a role push
on you if that makes sense and And since this
is a think piece I'm talking about, you guys
can wholeheartedly disagree with me. That is
perfectly fine. We are both learning in this
process and also trying to figure out where we
all stand, right? If you guys are having that
feeling, just know you are not wrong for that
because I'm still trying to figure out how I
think about all this. But like I said, online
the shift is feels immediate. A woman gets pregnant
and her content changes overnight. Not what she
posts, but what's expected of her. She's praise
for doing the sacrifice but also at the same
time ridiculed for even wanting to have the kid
like I've spoken this before if somebody announces
they're pregnant all you see is congratulences
or condolences or send along lines and sometimes
it's like that woman really wanted her kid and
you're on her comments saying she should kill
it are you okay are you cool that's what I'm
talking about that's what I mean like force on
her um she is giving every single thing pregnancy
is insane insane and pregnancy is beautiful and
having children is beautiful but it also can
become very limiting when it comes to a woman
when that's the only acceptable acceptable version
of her dare i say it starts to feel like expressing
yourself need justification once your mother
like you have to prove oh no because i also seen
this like the second they would tell her oh not
to lose herself not to lose herself and then
the second she had her kid and she started going
on dates and doing this at the other why the
fuck aren't you home with your baby can can they
win and it's something i think about because
one day i will be in this predicament how will
i handle that right um and You can like fashion,
but it needs to be practical fashion because
why are you a mother wearing all of that? You
can go out, but like I said, you need an explanation.
And you can want more for yourself, but it's
like once it becomes to the expense of everyone
else around you, nobody likes it, right? If you're
not doing your all for one little thing, nobody
likes it. And that also is an issue in my head,
okay? And I think that's why a lot of women get
lost or confused or lose themselves, you know.
not because they stopped caring about themselves
but there's no space made for them in life there's
really no space made for any of it you know and
like granted I'm not saying this is like a business
thing but it's like one to like it's one of those
things like you have kids now I can't go out
and have wine and do all this stuff if I don't
have a babysitter you know and it's like that
is a real expectation which I think is just a
sacrifice with having kids but it's like also
let's say you have a village around you sometimes
a lot of people's village is like well you don't
need to be going out now you have kids you don't
need to be expressing yourself because you have
kids and now there is women who don't experience
that and i love that for y 'all y 'all y 'all
gotta go but i have seen a lot of women in my
life pregnant woman it's very much like girl
what the fuck are you doing you're mom now like
you're basically like i've had people tell me
like when they found out i was pregnant forever
ago they were like oh congratulations your life's
about to be over Are you? What the fuck? What
the fuck? And what I don't love is how motherhood
sometimes becomes a personality instead of part
of one. And I know this might be touchy to say,
but like in my head, I feel like sometimes people
make things their whole personality when they
are struggling to find anything else relatable.
If that makes sense? I like seeing women, and
this is a personal thing, so like I said, you
can disagree. I like seeing women talk about
their interests, their inner world, the things
they're so curious about in life and what they
want to explore and or do, even if you're 40
or not. I like seeing mothers dress how they
fuck they want to dress and still being funky
and fun. I love it. Speaking how they want to
and wanting things that don't like revolve around
serving somebody else. Like I don't want to hear
how... You're only feeding yourself good for
your husband. You're only doing this for your
kid for your husband Do something for you for
you because I fear this is why so many mothers
end up hating Having children because they lose
themselves in that process and it's like honestly
How can you not hate your kids? After it's been
the one thing to kind of push you to hate yourself
like it's understandable, but it's also something
that I feel like can be prevented in a way if
that makes sense like if you truly Choose you
and I feel like we all have issues choosing ourselves
clearly. Um Self -expression doesn't disappear
when you have kids. Honestly, I feel like it's
such expand your kids make you even more funky
It looks different if you allow it to you know
It can be how you dress even if it's just for
yourself or you want to match with a kid or do
something crazy that being perfectly fine or
like picking up a new hobby writing creating
journaling moving your body or Expanding on a
new business you want to there you're never too
late for anything if you had kids when you're
16 Your life isn't over if you had kids when
you were in your 40s your life isn't over you
have so much time and what has been reminding
me of that recently is I've been seeing like
the Nessa Myricks and so many other like honorable
woman they Started their dreams and like their
million dollar careers when they were like 35
After they had kids and everything and everybody
told them. Oh there was that's it. That's what
your life is they still made so much more themselves
but then I was also seeing like the ridicule
um Aisha Curry was getting and stuff like that
which it's like I can watch all the interviews
now I know there was some stuff that was like
okay let me say out her business for real but
some of the points I do think were valid she's
not known as herself but I do also think that's
something you kind of put yourself into when
you chose that man because like I feel like that's
kind of self -explanatory, but also at the same
time I can understand her Like upset For not
having herself in a way like she lives her title
as a mom and wife for all these huge people But
she's kind of small which I can understand I
could understand that point and I think this
also that also relates to what I'm talking about
But what scares me, it's not motherhood itself,
it's just how quickly women are dismissed or
told directly or indirectly that wanting a life
outside of motherhood or being a wife makes them
selfish. That... it's genuinely terrifying to
think as a woman who has one day I know there's
a lot of women who don't but like as a woman
who has thinking about that in my future I'm
genuinely it makes me question and contemplate
my whole life and what the fuck I want to do
I'm like oh my gosh wait like do I even have
kids at this point or am I gonna be like nothing
but it's like the woman I know who have kids
do I think about them like that no not at all
so what the hell And then there's a term baby
mama that I can't let it go I can't I hate the
term baby mama is I feel like it's such a demeaning
word like whenever it's Spoken it's never in
a good context. Okay It's it's casually fucked
up. It doesn't make sense It takes out context
love commitment and or effort it's like makes
a woman so small and I feel like something so
Disposable and it shows how easily respect can
be taken away once a woman's body has done there
I say the greatest things possible okay it's
just your baby mama okay alright fine you like
if anything your child's mother or but I feel
like nowadays all I see is other people like
other women telling other women oh you're just
a baby mama oh you have no ring mind you it's
a 14 year old under your post telling you you
don't have this that the other girl if you don't
get the fuck on but also it's just like would
you say that to somebody's face like are y 'all
okay and I can always understand the culture
like Alright, we don't need to be getting pregnant
by just anyone like I can agree with that first
fucking hand like Please but like at the same
time Do we know these people like is this our
business? Is it? Now sometimes I feel like there
can be things that are said, right? But at the
same time, I feel like a lot of it is just so
nobody asked. Nobody asked for extra hate when
they were sharing something vulnerable with you,
right? We can think those things in our mind,
all right? So when I ask myself, again, if having
children devalues women, I don't have a straight
answer. I find myself... still speaking in questions
and layers if that makes sense because no having
children doesn't devalue women but yes the world
treats them as it does right women are expected
to get endlessly and so be grateful to disappear
and be quiet about it okay um but to be happy
just because they're sacrificing their life for
their kid and their husband like that should
be enough for you so relax mind you that's not
enough for any other living human on this world
Right? But you're never quite mothering right.
You're never being the best wife. You're never
being the best woman, even if you don't have
kids or anything. So it's like, when you see
that it's a lose -lose situation, consistently
has been since the beginning of time, what can
we do to better that? How can we really think
about what's going through our mind processes?
Process -y? process yeah i don't know what the
fuck i'm talking about okay what's going through
our mind to make us think hey i'm less than hey
i don't deserve to still be myself is it what
other people are saying or do i truly feel like
that or is this something i'm truly interested
in you know Because what matters most to me is
what happens internally because the real loss
isn't the comments or the labels people give
you it's when Woman I see women stop choosing
themselves because it feels wrong to do so because
you are never wrong to choose yourself ever And
like when I think about my best friend It also
becomes very clear to me because the world sees
her as a mother like whenever I see anybody speak
to her It's always in that like term or tone.
It's never just about her Right when it whether
it be a man a friend a teacher or at like a store
anything when I see a person someone I I think
of her as such a creative witty intelligent beautiful
woman and She doesn't get as much credit as she
deserves But she also protects her sense of self
like she is one person that also made me think
about this because she does it so well She is
still so very much fucking her like she has a
whole brass collection and she is she lives through
her interest every single fucking day and I'm
just like I love that you didn't let motherhood
stop you because like I grew up with mom who
hates being a mother she she hasn't been doing
that shit and I don't know why she chose it but
like she she would blame it on you every second
she could on why she hated her life and it's
one of them things I don't see when I see my
best friend I don't see that so it's like I have
seen two sides of a damn coin and I think that's
also why I had the fear in me because I was like
damn okay could I end up this way or this way
like you know because I still want to be able
to love myself while loving everybody else around
me you know and still be happy and I want women
to know that that's possible you don't stop being
interesting because you have children Okay, you
don't, you don't. Even if the world makes it
seem like you are, you are probably more interesting
than every single other person you know in your
life, guarantee you. You don't stop becoming
worthy of desire, curiosity, or joy just because
you had kids. And you don't stop being you, okay?
Like you don't. Live for you, live for your interests,
do what you wanna do, you know? Be selfish sometimes,
okay? So overall, no. Having children does not
devalue women, all right? But we do, we have
to be conscious that we live in a culture that
often tries to convince them that they should
disappear once they become mothers. We have to
acknowledge that and also prepare ourselves for
that before we even think about having kids,
because it's something you're gonna go through.
Because I never thought about that until I was
put in the predicament. And then... I'm not hearing
you more, so I do have more time to think about
it, but it is like, all right, I do have to think
about this. And maybe quiet work is resisting
that, you know, simply quietly changing yourself
for the better every single day. And remembering
who you are, your interests, your favorite color.
You don't have to like millennial gray just because
you had a kid now. You can still like hot pink,
okay? Let motherhood add to you. Don't let it
consume you. Okay, and I think women deserve
that much if we can get anything out of that
like this life I feel like it is that much okay?
But yeah guys that was today's episode I hope
you enjoyed and I hope you took something from
it or at least some critical thinking some thought
Because I'm definitely still thinking about it
and still learning and making my decisions As
well, but I think the key point is that we don't
lose ourselves in this life because there's already
so much thrown at us consistently every single
day by everybody in the world. If we can do one
thing that makes us happy today for ourselves,
then I think we should all do it. But yeah, I
love you guys so much. Make sure to read the
show notes for all my links, Instagram links,
TikTok links. And if you are listening to this,
tag me, show me you're listening. I love talking
to you guys. You can also text me some recommendations
if you want some. I'm always active. Always and
yeah, I love you guys so much and I hope you
have an amazing January