WEBVTT

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Guys is this thing on? It is your host Zoe and

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I'm back with another freaking episode today

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I did I over share podcast and I am so happy

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to be talking to you guys I hope you guys had

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a great Christmas a great New Year and everything

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is you know going good Personally, I I think

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I am Ready for the new year. I'm excited for

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the new year. I definitely want to release some

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Episodes about like of course what have I learned

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in 2025 but 2025 was a lot so I really am still

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working on that episode I do want to have another

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vision board one coming out soon But I also wanted

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to talk to you guys I wanted to hear your guys's

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opinion on this because this is something I think

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I want to start doing I want to kind of branch

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out my episode topic starting today. I wanted

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to feel more of so like a girl talk rather than

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I feel like the conversations I have are very

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nuanced, like they're everywhere. Like I choose,

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like I feel like my conversations behind the

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topics are deep, but the topics themselves are

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like stuff we see circulating every day on social

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media, right? So I kind of want to hit like deeper

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more complex not really like complex But like

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those kind of topics like the one I'm doing today

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and before we get into this episode I just want

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you guys to know I love you so much. Thank you

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for already listening this Episode will have

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a video recording, but it's not gonna be my face

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It's just gonna be like something to keep you

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entertained if you wanna watch it on YouTube

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still. And if you do end up liking and enjoying,

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please leave a five -star rating. They help my

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podcast so much. And a review. And everything

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is down in the show notes below where you can

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find all my links and everything like that. But

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yeah, today's episode is does having children

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devalue a woman? And I've been thinking about

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this topic. I never knew how to word like word

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it. I would always just jot down my thoughts

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in my notes app or like on paper. But I have

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been thinking about this for I think over a year

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now because it's something I see so much in the

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day -to -day life and I think it's something

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that needs to be addressed because nobody talks

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about it. And I do want to just start with no.

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I know there are women who listen to me who do

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have children. I just want this like me to say

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first no it does not devalue. But socially, when

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I say no, I'm not saying it just like as a statement

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just to put out there to, you know, ease everybody's

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minds. No, I'm saying it as this is a feeling.

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I know this is wrong and that this should not

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be happening, but like it is. So how can I explain

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that? And this is one of those topics I'm coming

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to you guys about, not something that I have

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solved or figured out. It's something, it's a

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think piece that I'm actually still trying to

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figure out my stance on it, my thought process

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and everything. in the likeliness, okay? And

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I don't think it's really about children. I think

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when bringing up this conversation, it's not

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about children, it's about the woman. I think

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about what happens to women once they become

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mothers and how quietly, but subtly, like naturally

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just happens. It's very unnoticeable, but then

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it's very noticeable at the same time. I've noticed

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how women stop being introduced by their names

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and like... Like when you are meeting someone.

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Oh, it's like oh, this is somebody's mom. This

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is blank This is blah blah blah blah, you know,

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it's like oh, this is my wife. This is that it's

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like I feel like everywhere we woman go now It's

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like you can even look at bios. For example,

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it's wife mother Right, that's that's it. That's

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all it is when the woman is so much more than

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that. She's so much more than that Curiosity

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fades when we talk about women I feel like now

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when women do have children curiosity about them

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fades like their interests and everything like

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that and suddenly everything about the woman

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is Just through one world like now because she

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asked for it, but because the world seems How

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do I say it more comfortable Categoric categorizing

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woman into certain sectors and boxes and limiting

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them a lot. She's a mom now. She's someone's

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wife. This one gets me. She's somebody's baby

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mama. Oh my gosh. I have been seeing there has

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been like this is a couple on TikTok that I've

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been seeing and I knew she was pregnant. We all

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knew she was pregnant. The whole we all knew

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she was pregnant. But she had came out that she

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was pregnant and then suddenly just like that

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it was everybody in the comments. We got another

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bitter baby mama or we got another baby mama.

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We got this. We got that. First of all, why is

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it always, mind you, she has openly, like this

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creator has openly talked about how she wanted

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kids for so long and that's the one thing she

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wants is kids, yada yada yada. So what if like

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she genuinely chose a man she wanted to have

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kids with and had a kid? She doesn't, every comment

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is about how she doesn't have a ring, she doesn't

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do this, and like nothing is about her anymore.

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Everybody is making it just like a defamation

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show. Like when a woman does something, it always

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becomes her fault, whether it's, you know, two

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people. Two people thing, you know? And maybe

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I'm sensitive because, you know, but language

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matters to me and I feel like it shapes how we

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see people and people start seeing themselves

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because a lot of mothers see themselves how...

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The world treats them right and I don't want

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to lose myself to a title I think that's why

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it's so big for me because it's something I am

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striving to do in the future that I don't lose

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myself Just because I have new roles right and

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I don't want to feel like motherhood means shrinking

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I want it to feel like an expansion like I'm

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still me just holding more and I know a lot of

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my listeners are young and they're like Why are

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we talking about motherhood right now, right?

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First of all, there are young mothers And I know

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that even though I'm not one, I want to be one.

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But it is a conversation I wanted to have with

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you guys and myself because it's something I've

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definitely worried about. I'm like, well, hey,

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I have a podcast. I still want to write books.

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I want to do so much more with my life. Well,

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I feel some type of way if I continue to have

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kids now, because honestly, it's something I've

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thought about. Like, I'm like, if I sit here.

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And I genuinely want to have kids right now.

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How do I keep a hold on myself and my identity?

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Because most women I know don't have it anymore.

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And I am so much of a me person. I still want

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to be me. I don't want to lose that. So it's

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definitely something I have thought about a lot.

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Even if I have kids 10 years from now, it's still

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something I feel like needed to be touched on.

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I still want to feel like me. I'm just holding

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more like you know if anything like I got more

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crowns and badges because I'm doing even more

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shit and If I'm being honest, I never see that

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modeled I don't online the shift is like immediate

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when a woman is with child, right? And let me

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say this first I and I know that this might sound

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I hear me out when I say this I like finding

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a woman's page or Instagram or something like

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that and not even knowing she has Husband or

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kids like I can know it and that'd be perfectly

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fine But it's like as as long as she's still

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being hurt. I'm like, yeah But that's not to

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say that I don't like mom talking everything

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with that Emily Kaiser go real bad together Okay,

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like I love a good mom talk and there's some

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women that are just meant for like that's they're

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good as fuck at that and that's what it should

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be okay to do that rather than have a role push

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on you if that makes sense and And since this

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is a think piece I'm talking about, you guys

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can wholeheartedly disagree with me. That is

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perfectly fine. We are both learning in this

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process and also trying to figure out where we

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all stand, right? If you guys are having that

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feeling, just know you are not wrong for that

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because I'm still trying to figure out how I

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think about all this. But like I said, online

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the shift is feels immediate. A woman gets pregnant

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and her content changes overnight. Not what she

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posts, but what's expected of her. She's praise

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for doing the sacrifice but also at the same

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time ridiculed for even wanting to have the kid

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like I've spoken this before if somebody announces

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they're pregnant all you see is congratulences

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or condolences or send along lines and sometimes

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it's like that woman really wanted her kid and

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you're on her comments saying she should kill

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it are you okay are you cool that's what I'm

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talking about that's what I mean like force on

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her um she is giving every single thing pregnancy

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is insane insane and pregnancy is beautiful and

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having children is beautiful but it also can

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become very limiting when it comes to a woman

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when that's the only acceptable acceptable version

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of her dare i say it starts to feel like expressing

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yourself need justification once your mother

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like you have to prove oh no because i also seen

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this like the second they would tell her oh not

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to lose herself not to lose herself and then

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the second she had her kid and she started going

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on dates and doing this at the other why the

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fuck aren't you home with your baby can can they

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win and it's something i think about because

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one day i will be in this predicament how will

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i handle that right um and You can like fashion,

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but it needs to be practical fashion because

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why are you a mother wearing all of that? You

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can go out, but like I said, you need an explanation.

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And you can want more for yourself, but it's

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like once it becomes to the expense of everyone

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else around you, nobody likes it, right? If you're

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not doing your all for one little thing, nobody

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likes it. And that also is an issue in my head,

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okay? And I think that's why a lot of women get

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lost or confused or lose themselves, you know.

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not because they stopped caring about themselves

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but there's no space made for them in life there's

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really no space made for any of it you know and

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like granted I'm not saying this is like a business

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thing but it's like one to like it's one of those

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things like you have kids now I can't go out

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and have wine and do all this stuff if I don't

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have a babysitter you know and it's like that

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is a real expectation which I think is just a

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sacrifice with having kids but it's like also

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let's say you have a village around you sometimes

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a lot of people's village is like well you don't

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need to be going out now you have kids you don't

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need to be expressing yourself because you have

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kids and now there is women who don't experience

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that and i love that for y 'all y 'all y 'all

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gotta go but i have seen a lot of women in my

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life pregnant woman it's very much like girl

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what the fuck are you doing you're mom now like

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you're basically like i've had people tell me

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like when they found out i was pregnant forever

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ago they were like oh congratulations your life's

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about to be over Are you? What the fuck? What

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the fuck? And what I don't love is how motherhood

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sometimes becomes a personality instead of part

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of one. And I know this might be touchy to say,

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but like in my head, I feel like sometimes people

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make things their whole personality when they

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are struggling to find anything else relatable.

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If that makes sense? I like seeing women, and

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this is a personal thing, so like I said, you

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can disagree. I like seeing women talk about

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their interests, their inner world, the things

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they're so curious about in life and what they

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want to explore and or do, even if you're 40

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or not. I like seeing mothers dress how they

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fuck they want to dress and still being funky

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and fun. I love it. Speaking how they want to

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and wanting things that don't like revolve around

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serving somebody else. Like I don't want to hear

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how... You're only feeding yourself good for

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your husband. You're only doing this for your

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kid for your husband Do something for you for

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you because I fear this is why so many mothers

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end up hating Having children because they lose

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themselves in that process and it's like honestly

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How can you not hate your kids? After it's been

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the one thing to kind of push you to hate yourself

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like it's understandable, but it's also something

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that I feel like can be prevented in a way if

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that makes sense like if you truly Choose you

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and I feel like we all have issues choosing ourselves

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clearly. Um Self -expression doesn't disappear

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when you have kids. Honestly, I feel like it's

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such expand your kids make you even more funky

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It looks different if you allow it to you know

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It can be how you dress even if it's just for

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yourself or you want to match with a kid or do

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something crazy that being perfectly fine or

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like picking up a new hobby writing creating

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journaling moving your body or Expanding on a

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new business you want to there you're never too

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late for anything if you had kids when you're

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16 Your life isn't over if you had kids when

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you were in your 40s your life isn't over you

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have so much time and what has been reminding

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me of that recently is I've been seeing like

00:12:30.679 --> 00:12:34.279
the Nessa Myricks and so many other like honorable

00:12:34.279 --> 00:12:38.139
woman they Started their dreams and like their

00:12:38.139 --> 00:12:39.799
million dollar careers when they were like 35

00:12:39.799 --> 00:12:42.080
After they had kids and everything and everybody

00:12:42.080 --> 00:12:43.940
told them. Oh there was that's it. That's what

00:12:43.940 --> 00:12:47.490
your life is they still made so much more themselves

00:12:47.490 --> 00:12:51.429
but then I was also seeing like the ridicule

00:12:51.429 --> 00:12:54.070
um Aisha Curry was getting and stuff like that

00:12:54.070 --> 00:12:57.389
which it's like I can watch all the interviews

00:12:57.389 --> 00:12:59.830
now I know there was some stuff that was like

00:12:59.830 --> 00:13:02.529
okay let me say out her business for real but

00:13:02.529 --> 00:13:04.769
some of the points I do think were valid she's

00:13:04.769 --> 00:13:07.090
not known as herself but I do also think that's

00:13:07.090 --> 00:13:10.509
something you kind of put yourself into when

00:13:10.509 --> 00:13:13.830
you chose that man because like I feel like that's

00:13:13.830 --> 00:13:16.549
kind of self -explanatory, but also at the same

00:13:16.549 --> 00:13:22.769
time I can understand her Like upset For not

00:13:22.769 --> 00:13:26.190
having herself in a way like she lives her title

00:13:26.190 --> 00:13:28.929
as a mom and wife for all these huge people But

00:13:28.929 --> 00:13:32.409
she's kind of small which I can understand I

00:13:32.409 --> 00:13:34.029
could understand that point and I think this

00:13:34.029 --> 00:13:36.429
also that also relates to what I'm talking about

00:13:37.340 --> 00:13:40.259
But what scares me, it's not motherhood itself,

00:13:40.539 --> 00:13:43.419
it's just how quickly women are dismissed or

00:13:43.419 --> 00:13:45.480
told directly or indirectly that wanting a life

00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:49.159
outside of motherhood or being a wife makes them

00:13:49.159 --> 00:13:52.580
selfish. That... it's genuinely terrifying to

00:13:52.580 --> 00:13:54.460
think as a woman who has one day I know there's

00:13:54.460 --> 00:13:56.600
a lot of women who don't but like as a woman

00:13:56.600 --> 00:13:59.379
who has thinking about that in my future I'm

00:13:59.379 --> 00:14:01.919
genuinely it makes me question and contemplate

00:14:01.919 --> 00:14:03.679
my whole life and what the fuck I want to do

00:14:03.679 --> 00:14:05.480
I'm like oh my gosh wait like do I even have

00:14:05.480 --> 00:14:07.620
kids at this point or am I gonna be like nothing

00:14:07.620 --> 00:14:09.899
but it's like the woman I know who have kids

00:14:09.899 --> 00:14:12.620
do I think about them like that no not at all

00:14:12.620 --> 00:14:17.409
so what the hell And then there's a term baby

00:14:17.409 --> 00:14:20.269
mama that I can't let it go I can't I hate the

00:14:20.269 --> 00:14:23.029
term baby mama is I feel like it's such a demeaning

00:14:23.029 --> 00:14:25.529
word like whenever it's Spoken it's never in

00:14:25.529 --> 00:14:29.629
a good context. Okay It's it's casually fucked

00:14:29.629 --> 00:14:32.389
up. It doesn't make sense It takes out context

00:14:32.389 --> 00:14:35.490
love commitment and or effort it's like makes

00:14:35.490 --> 00:14:37.909
a woman so small and I feel like something so

00:14:37.909 --> 00:14:40.889
Disposable and it shows how easily respect can

00:14:40.889 --> 00:14:44.429
be taken away once a woman's body has done there

00:14:44.429 --> 00:14:46.149
I say the greatest things possible okay it's

00:14:46.149 --> 00:14:49.029
just your baby mama okay alright fine you like

00:14:49.029 --> 00:14:51.490
if anything your child's mother or but I feel

00:14:51.490 --> 00:14:54.409
like nowadays all I see is other people like

00:14:54.409 --> 00:14:55.990
other women telling other women oh you're just

00:14:55.990 --> 00:14:57.789
a baby mama oh you have no ring mind you it's

00:14:57.789 --> 00:14:59.690
a 14 year old under your post telling you you

00:14:59.690 --> 00:15:02.570
don't have this that the other girl if you don't

00:15:02.570 --> 00:15:05.730
get the fuck on but also it's just like would

00:15:05.730 --> 00:15:07.330
you say that to somebody's face like are y 'all

00:15:07.330 --> 00:15:09.669
okay and I can always understand the culture

00:15:09.669 --> 00:15:12.360
like Alright, we don't need to be getting pregnant

00:15:12.360 --> 00:15:14.200
by just anyone like I can agree with that first

00:15:14.200 --> 00:15:19.559
fucking hand like Please but like at the same

00:15:19.559 --> 00:15:23.539
time Do we know these people like is this our

00:15:23.539 --> 00:15:26.549
business? Is it? Now sometimes I feel like there

00:15:26.549 --> 00:15:28.830
can be things that are said, right? But at the

00:15:28.830 --> 00:15:30.889
same time, I feel like a lot of it is just so

00:15:30.889 --> 00:15:34.190
nobody asked. Nobody asked for extra hate when

00:15:34.190 --> 00:15:36.529
they were sharing something vulnerable with you,

00:15:36.549 --> 00:15:38.649
right? We can think those things in our mind,

00:15:38.990 --> 00:15:44.409
all right? So when I ask myself, again, if having

00:15:44.409 --> 00:15:48.990
children devalues women, I don't have a straight

00:15:48.990 --> 00:15:52.539
answer. I find myself... still speaking in questions

00:15:52.539 --> 00:15:56.039
and layers if that makes sense because no having

00:15:56.039 --> 00:15:59.120
children doesn't devalue women but yes the world

00:15:59.120 --> 00:16:03.120
treats them as it does right women are expected

00:16:03.120 --> 00:16:05.940
to get endlessly and so be grateful to disappear

00:16:05.940 --> 00:16:10.639
and be quiet about it okay um but to be happy

00:16:10.639 --> 00:16:12.960
just because they're sacrificing their life for

00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:14.820
their kid and their husband like that should

00:16:14.820 --> 00:16:17.620
be enough for you so relax mind you that's not

00:16:17.620 --> 00:16:20.500
enough for any other living human on this world

00:16:21.200 --> 00:16:24.899
Right? But you're never quite mothering right.

00:16:25.100 --> 00:16:27.379
You're never being the best wife. You're never

00:16:27.379 --> 00:16:28.899
being the best woman, even if you don't have

00:16:28.899 --> 00:16:31.879
kids or anything. So it's like, when you see

00:16:31.879 --> 00:16:36.019
that it's a lose -lose situation, consistently

00:16:36.019 --> 00:16:39.059
has been since the beginning of time, what can

00:16:39.059 --> 00:16:43.139
we do to better that? How can we really think

00:16:43.139 --> 00:16:46.399
about what's going through our mind processes?

00:16:46.580 --> 00:16:49.370
Process -y? process yeah i don't know what the

00:16:49.370 --> 00:16:51.309
fuck i'm talking about okay what's going through

00:16:51.309 --> 00:16:55.090
our mind to make us think hey i'm less than hey

00:16:55.090 --> 00:16:58.309
i don't deserve to still be myself is it what

00:16:58.309 --> 00:17:00.029
other people are saying or do i truly feel like

00:17:00.029 --> 00:17:01.629
that or is this something i'm truly interested

00:17:01.629 --> 00:17:05.099
in you know Because what matters most to me is

00:17:05.099 --> 00:17:07.480
what happens internally because the real loss

00:17:07.480 --> 00:17:09.960
isn't the comments or the labels people give

00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:12.940
you it's when Woman I see women stop choosing

00:17:12.940 --> 00:17:16.140
themselves because it feels wrong to do so because

00:17:16.140 --> 00:17:19.380
you are never wrong to choose yourself ever And

00:17:19.380 --> 00:17:21.579
like when I think about my best friend It also

00:17:21.579 --> 00:17:23.619
becomes very clear to me because the world sees

00:17:23.619 --> 00:17:25.640
her as a mother like whenever I see anybody speak

00:17:25.640 --> 00:17:29.619
to her It's always in that like term or tone.

00:17:29.619 --> 00:17:32.500
It's never just about her Right when it whether

00:17:32.500 --> 00:17:36.700
it be a man a friend a teacher or at like a store

00:17:36.700 --> 00:17:39.460
anything when I see a person someone I I think

00:17:39.460 --> 00:17:43.859
of her as such a creative witty intelligent beautiful

00:17:43.859 --> 00:17:47.680
woman and She doesn't get as much credit as she

00:17:47.680 --> 00:17:50.920
deserves But she also protects her sense of self

00:17:50.920 --> 00:17:52.519
like she is one person that also made me think

00:17:52.519 --> 00:17:55.019
about this because she does it so well She is

00:17:55.019 --> 00:17:57.680
still so very much fucking her like she has a

00:17:57.680 --> 00:18:02.000
whole brass collection and she is she lives through

00:18:02.000 --> 00:18:03.720
her interest every single fucking day and I'm

00:18:03.720 --> 00:18:05.680
just like I love that you didn't let motherhood

00:18:05.680 --> 00:18:08.119
stop you because like I grew up with mom who

00:18:08.119 --> 00:18:11.099
hates being a mother she she hasn't been doing

00:18:11.099 --> 00:18:12.720
that shit and I don't know why she chose it but

00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:15.700
like she she would blame it on you every second

00:18:15.700 --> 00:18:18.730
she could on why she hated her life and it's

00:18:18.730 --> 00:18:21.109
one of them things I don't see when I see my

00:18:21.109 --> 00:18:22.829
best friend I don't see that so it's like I have

00:18:22.829 --> 00:18:25.630
seen two sides of a damn coin and I think that's

00:18:25.630 --> 00:18:27.769
also why I had the fear in me because I was like

00:18:27.769 --> 00:18:29.789
damn okay could I end up this way or this way

00:18:29.789 --> 00:18:32.670
like you know because I still want to be able

00:18:32.670 --> 00:18:34.769
to love myself while loving everybody else around

00:18:34.769 --> 00:18:38.509
me you know and still be happy and I want women

00:18:38.509 --> 00:18:40.970
to know that that's possible you don't stop being

00:18:40.970 --> 00:18:43.049
interesting because you have children Okay, you

00:18:43.049 --> 00:18:44.829
don't, you don't. Even if the world makes it

00:18:44.829 --> 00:18:47.450
seem like you are, you are probably more interesting

00:18:47.450 --> 00:18:49.269
than every single other person you know in your

00:18:49.269 --> 00:18:53.230
life, guarantee you. You don't stop becoming

00:18:53.230 --> 00:18:55.750
worthy of desire, curiosity, or joy just because

00:18:55.750 --> 00:18:59.309
you had kids. And you don't stop being you, okay?

00:18:59.450 --> 00:19:02.150
Like you don't. Live for you, live for your interests,

00:19:02.269 --> 00:19:05.150
do what you wanna do, you know? Be selfish sometimes,

00:19:05.269 --> 00:19:09.380
okay? So overall, no. Having children does not

00:19:09.380 --> 00:19:11.740
devalue women, all right? But we do, we have

00:19:11.740 --> 00:19:14.460
to be conscious that we live in a culture that

00:19:14.460 --> 00:19:16.700
often tries to convince them that they should

00:19:16.700 --> 00:19:19.279
disappear once they become mothers. We have to

00:19:19.279 --> 00:19:21.500
acknowledge that and also prepare ourselves for

00:19:21.500 --> 00:19:23.380
that before we even think about having kids,

00:19:23.500 --> 00:19:27.359
because it's something you're gonna go through.

00:19:27.619 --> 00:19:29.400
Because I never thought about that until I was

00:19:29.400 --> 00:19:32.400
put in the predicament. And then... I'm not hearing

00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:34.759
you more, so I do have more time to think about

00:19:34.759 --> 00:19:37.180
it, but it is like, all right, I do have to think

00:19:37.180 --> 00:19:41.059
about this. And maybe quiet work is resisting

00:19:41.059 --> 00:19:43.720
that, you know, simply quietly changing yourself

00:19:43.720 --> 00:19:45.940
for the better every single day. And remembering

00:19:45.940 --> 00:19:47.779
who you are, your interests, your favorite color.

00:19:48.140 --> 00:19:50.119
You don't have to like millennial gray just because

00:19:50.119 --> 00:19:52.059
you had a kid now. You can still like hot pink,

00:19:52.279 --> 00:19:56.660
okay? Let motherhood add to you. Don't let it

00:19:56.660 --> 00:19:59.529
consume you. Okay, and I think women deserve

00:19:59.529 --> 00:20:01.890
that much if we can get anything out of that

00:20:01.890 --> 00:20:05.849
like this life I feel like it is that much okay?

00:20:06.430 --> 00:20:09.130
But yeah guys that was today's episode I hope

00:20:09.130 --> 00:20:10.549
you enjoyed and I hope you took something from

00:20:10.549 --> 00:20:13.190
it or at least some critical thinking some thought

00:20:13.190 --> 00:20:15.589
Because I'm definitely still thinking about it

00:20:15.589 --> 00:20:19.349
and still learning and making my decisions As

00:20:19.349 --> 00:20:22.190
well, but I think the key point is that we don't

00:20:22.190 --> 00:20:24.710
lose ourselves in this life because there's already

00:20:24.710 --> 00:20:28.579
so much thrown at us consistently every single

00:20:28.579 --> 00:20:32.480
day by everybody in the world. If we can do one

00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:34.759
thing that makes us happy today for ourselves,

00:20:34.960 --> 00:20:38.460
then I think we should all do it. But yeah, I

00:20:38.460 --> 00:20:40.420
love you guys so much. Make sure to read the

00:20:40.420 --> 00:20:43.039
show notes for all my links, Instagram links,

00:20:43.259 --> 00:20:45.119
TikTok links. And if you are listening to this,

00:20:45.160 --> 00:20:47.140
tag me, show me you're listening. I love talking

00:20:47.140 --> 00:20:50.019
to you guys. You can also text me some recommendations

00:20:50.019 --> 00:20:54.210
if you want some. I'm always active. Always and

00:20:54.210 --> 00:20:56.450
yeah, I love you guys so much and I hope you

00:20:56.450 --> 00:20:58.190
have an amazing January