WEBVTT

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Guys is this thing on? It is your host Zoe and

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I'm back with another freaking episode on the

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did I over share podcast today? How are you guys

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doing? How are you guys doing is? I've been a

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very calm Sunday for me literally woke up that

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had fun in my makeup and then got sushi and now

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here I am Very unproductive yet productive if

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I say so myself It's an online shopping too,

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which is always fun. My birthday's coming up

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Christmas coming out. There's a whole lot to

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shop for so Having fun doing that. Okay. Um But

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yeah, I hope you guys are good and before we

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get into the episode You already know this like

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the video version is available on YouTube all

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streaming devices And if you do end up enjoying

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it leave a review Love a good review and a rating

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if you feel so inclined. So yeah today's episode

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is grief Grief we're gonna talk about grief.

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It was supposed to be something else again, but

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I'm feeling called to talk about this Especially

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since I've have been firsthand dealing with it

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a lot and today's a good day So it's I feel like

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it's good to talk about it today. Um, I don't

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really know what I'm going to title it yet But

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I do know my whole premise is grief Why I wanted

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to talk to you guys about this today is because

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I am going through it so Heavily right now like

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I am in the grief trenches and let me say this

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it was something me she had You know made very

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apparent to me like I have had so much loss in

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my life it's like so much But I didn't not really

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related to death wise like I only had one big

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death that has happened for me And that was when

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a childhood best friend of mine um committed

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and that i think that was very hard for me but

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then like family wise my family's so damn small

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there's like seven people and nobody has festiated

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granted my grandma recently did but i wasn't

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that close to her right so i've never really

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dealt with it hands -on like it's never been

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something i've dealt with and the first loss

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i had was my son um the only thing i have dealt

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with is like when i say loss it's just like i

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had to realize i've had so much pain in my life

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like so fucking much but how i would describe

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it it's pain caused by others like others decisions

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then cause me pain and hurt me nothing like nothing

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directly that is like that has no cause or no

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reason no rhyme or reason like death like it

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just happens and that's not how the rest of my

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pain has ever felt in life so i've never dealt

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with it so truly here i am sitting as a 20 year

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old adult going through it I'm in the trenches.

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I'm in the trenches but I'm also learning how

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to navigate it and not necessarily move on in

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a way but also describe every new emotion that

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I'm feeling and explain it and understand it,

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where I'm at and how I feel. But yeah, I really

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want to talk to you guys about it because truly

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grief looks different for everyone and it looks

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different every day. At the beginning I just

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remember like It was hard, like the hardest thing

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I've ever felt with, but after a week I was kinda

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on my normal thing. Like, the way I tend to cope,

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right? I tend to cope with bad jokes, bad humor,

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really dark humor. Or I just kinda really put

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a meaning and overanalyze everything and just

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move on, you know? Like, what can I do, truly,

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so let me just move on. But that's not how this

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was gonna go. Like, I thought that's what it

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was gonna be the first couple weeks. I'm like,

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okay. And then it's not. Now I'm at the point

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where it's like, I'll be living perfectly fine

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and then one day I just wake up, hell broke loose,

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okay? The worst day of my life, grief has snuckin'

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up again. And I know there's so many other people

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out here. who deal with grief or who have been

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dealing with grief their whole life or you know

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the pain of losing something and or someone.

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So I wanted to talk about it and how I'm feeling

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but also what I've learned in this process and

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how I'm navigating that because it has been very

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eye -opening for myself because specifically

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the way I'm dealing with this grief for me at

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the beginning I thought everything was a punishment

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like I was like did I do something wrong is like

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every everything like I lost faith I'm gonna

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be honest I lost faith in everything everything

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I would have ever believed in I lost faith in

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it and that was hard coming from someone like

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me because I'm like I said I'm very much an optimist

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I'm always I was always that person who's seeing

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on the good side I can always see through things

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even when they're bad that was not me and it's

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still not me at the moment like it's not um I've

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gained some faith back but I really lost it because

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when you are going through this and Dealing with

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a pain like no other it's hard to sit here and

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accept things for what they are Because it's

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shitty and it doesn't make sense and why would

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this ever happen? Why does this have to happen?

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Why do I have to feel this? You know so many

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different questions so it led me to sit there

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and Just think like God. I can't I'm gonna be

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honest. I still can't get out of my head like

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I don't know I'm a day, okay I'm fine, and I'll

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think about it, but the other day. I think what

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three three two days ago I think I had the worst

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day I've ever had throughout this process. It

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was horrible and it was an all -time low. Like,

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throughout the grief process, you genuinely start

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to question your own self -identity. Who am I?

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Why am I here? What am I doing? Like, what's

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the point of all this? And as someone, coming

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from someone who has dealt with a long line in

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like past of mental anguish and trauma and depression

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and everything you could ever name up, It's very

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much a new approach to it because in like how

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I'm going to describe this when I have been in

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my lowest right it's never been because of me

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right I never honestly I'm personally I've never

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hit a depression where it was like it's caused

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because I hate myself I don't like my body out

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or I'm like something like you know something

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like that it was never because of me like that's

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what I was saying all of my issues there I say

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or and or problems came from outside sources

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like how someone treated me house how this situation

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played out on me what was done to me and so much

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it was never just me this is something I'm dealing

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with and going through and I think me like this

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was my child like this was a part of me and made

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it way worse because now I actually have a reason

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my head to blame myself which nothing was wrong

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nothing was my fault like I know that superficially

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right but then when The bad days hit I don't

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know that I really don't and it's like you have

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so much anger For everything around you at least

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I do and how I'm processing this like I'll be

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perfectly fine, but then I'm just like Empty

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one minute completely empty like it genuinely

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feels like my soul was ripped out of my body

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losing my kid and I feel like I just have to

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explain this loss and how I'm getting over it

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or trying or navigating and the emotions that

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are coming up for me because it's very confusing

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to be here in full reality and acknowledge, hey,

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I can't let myself down. Hey, I gotta keep pushing

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and working for what I want and I gotta stay

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strong. And you know, this isn't gonna last forever.

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I know, we'll get over this, you know, we don't

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have a rhyme or reason for everything and everything

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will be fine. Like, I'm very self -aware when

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I'm here, right? And then a bad day comes and

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I, it's like... I'm trying to fight so hard to

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see the good when a day like that comes but I

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can't it's like my brain does not allow me like

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I genuinely just sit here contemplating every

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bad thing in the world and it's very random like

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I'll be perfectly fine and then I see something

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that reminds me of something or I hear something

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and I just shut down all over again I I don't

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want to eat Don't even know the last time I've

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had I think I've had one meal a day each day

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like I don't want to eat I don't want to think

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I don't want to breathe I don't want to do anything

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when moments like that happen and that's very

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new for me. I've never had Like the feelings

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like that, but it's also hard I feel like how

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I'm dealing with it a part of me is always attacking

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myself at the end of the day, right? I'm like,

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should I be, am I doing too much? Am I feeling

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too much? Or am I feeling too less? There's some

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people who grieve even worse. Am I not doing

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enough or am I doing too much? It's very much,

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it's always gonna be a me problem at the end

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of the day when I'm feeling these emotions, right?

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It's never something where I'm little -headed,

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because I'm not. Grief takes all rationality

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out of the picture for me. And I'm learning that,

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right? But it's also how important it is to have

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someone in your vicinity who can be a support

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system for you because, truthfully, I don't know

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where I would be without Michi as my support,

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you know? And it makes you think and feel for

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people who don't. have anybody and they're just

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processing those emotions alone because it's

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scary you don't even trust yourself at that point

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to make rational decisions or to do anything

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or to cope healthily so I'm where I'm like I'm

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at the point where I can't be so hard on myself

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like I always am you know I have to allow myself

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to deal with the pain and deal, you know, with

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the good days and the bad days and everything

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in between and how it will change and this grief

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will probably stay with me for the rest of my

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life. How do I want to navigate that and do it

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healthily, you know, like not cope in horrible

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ways, but at this time since it is fresh, allow

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myself if I need to cope to cope, right? And

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I have to stop thinking nobody's mad at me for

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how I'm choosing to cope. Nobody's mad at me

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if I'm still grieving. Nobody I shouldn't be

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mad at myself because I'm still grieving like

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I lost a big piece of me and It wasn't easy and

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that's okay and I get to deal with that and process

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it and that is okay I think I'm making this whole

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situation Out to be where it's not. Okay, like

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I need to pick myself up. I need to keep going

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I can't give up on myself. I like for some reason

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I think hey if I don't do this is one day It's

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just all gonna be taken away from me. Cause truly

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that's where I'm at. That's what I believed after

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I lost him. It's like... Now I feel like no good

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can happen to me. Right? Or if it is, it's too

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good and it's just gonna get taken away. That's

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where I'm at. It's like everything's too good

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to believe. I'm just scared. Like I really lead

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life right now with fear. Because I'm scared

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I'm gonna lose it randomly and everybody's mad

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at me and something's not gonna work out when...

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I know that's not what it is, right? And it's

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also hard experiencing grief when you have people

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around you, which everybody has people around

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them. So it's like when you have these people

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asking you questions or bringing it back up or

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nobody knows when to bring it back up or you

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really want to express yourself and talk about

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it but you don't want to fuck up the mood or

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some people think you're taking too long to grieve

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or too quick and so there's so many different

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opinions and I think that's the hardest thing.

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But also where other people are at the point

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where you they can talk about it as normal conversation

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I'm not like that yet. Like genuinely I will

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combust on the spot like I can try to hold it

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in but it's like it's still I'm still not ready

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and I feel like I'm just attacking myself because

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I'm not ready and But like I said, it's new for

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me. I really I don't know how long this is gonna

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take and I hate my brain feeling like mush I

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hate being in a low spot. I hate being in a spot

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where I don't want to do anything especially

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after like my whole life I have fought and fought

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so hard to pull myself out the gutter and to

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be strong and to keep going and how how can we

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learn from this how can we heal from this but

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this is the first time I genuinely I have no

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answers for myself I can't see the future right

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now I can't do this and that leads with me I

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don't need to have control I'm gonna be honest,

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my phone turned off, so I had to pause. I don't

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really know where I was at, but... What do I

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even want to talk about it? So, one thing I've

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learned. You cannot allow anybody to navigate

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your grief for you, okay? Everybody deals with

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things different, and it's okay if you deal with

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it either type of way, you know? If it's heavy

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on you or if it's not, if you choose not to feel

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anything at all, right? And how you cope is okay.

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Now, granted, make rational decisions, okay?

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Okay, we need to be rational, ladies and gents.

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But, this is your journey, it's how you process

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and you will learn so much about yourself throughout

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this process that you never knew before because

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you were never exposed to this type of issue

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and or scenario, so that is something i have

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been navigating and how can i learn more about

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myself throughout this and how resilient of a

00:13:17.720 --> 00:13:22.080
person i truly am but also that it will be okay

00:13:22.080 --> 00:13:25.039
you know like i know on days like this i i have

00:13:25.039 --> 00:13:28.259
the wherewithal to know hey everything will be

00:13:28.259 --> 00:13:30.919
more than okay everything that doesn't mean anything's

00:13:30.919 --> 00:13:34.220
not going to work out or you are unlocking yourself

00:13:34.220 --> 00:13:38.970
stuff is bad no i am Still okay and life still

00:13:38.970 --> 00:13:41.009
will be amazing for me It was a slow bump in

00:13:41.009 --> 00:13:43.929
the road, and I can't control my life either

00:13:43.929 --> 00:13:46.149
I spend so much time trying to control my life

00:13:46.149 --> 00:13:50.789
and the outcomes of it. I cannot do that. I can't

00:13:50.789 --> 00:13:53.230
If I can't life is life. It's going to do what

00:13:53.230 --> 00:13:56.190
it needs to do And I also need to learn to stop

00:13:56.190 --> 00:13:59.389
trying to control everything on top of that right

00:13:59.389 --> 00:14:03.629
um I also want to stop saying um you know I hate

00:14:03.629 --> 00:14:05.529
to say it, but I do want to stop saying them

00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:09.179
but it's also a good time grief allows you to

00:14:09.179 --> 00:14:11.159
question and like I was talking about previously

00:14:11.159 --> 00:14:14.000
how you could I was questioning my belief systems

00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:17.940
and everything you know of the sort but generally

00:14:17.940 --> 00:14:19.700
question everything in your life question the

00:14:19.700 --> 00:14:21.940
people around you question yourself how you think

00:14:21.940 --> 00:14:24.860
how you process what you do and it allows for

00:14:24.860 --> 00:14:28.740
good introspection okay it does it really it

00:14:28.740 --> 00:14:30.460
is if that's one of the good things that comes

00:14:30.460 --> 00:14:33.789
with grief right Another thing I think that's

00:14:33.789 --> 00:14:36.750
just been hard for me is like the lack of a support

00:14:36.750 --> 00:14:40.009
system like I have a great fiance Right, but

00:14:40.009 --> 00:14:42.929
it's just that so it's like Sometimes I don't

00:14:42.929 --> 00:14:44.470
want it granted. He went through the same thing

00:14:44.470 --> 00:14:45.990
was sometimes. I don't want to talk to him about

00:14:45.990 --> 00:14:48.210
it I feel like I don't want to ruin the mood.

00:14:48.230 --> 00:14:51.009
I don't want to you know Maybe he's not thinking

00:14:51.009 --> 00:14:52.549
about it. Why would I why would I want to bring

00:14:52.549 --> 00:14:55.049
it up and make him think about it? You know I

00:14:55.049 --> 00:14:56.830
can't do that, but it's like when I have nobody

00:14:56.830 --> 00:14:58.889
else to go to about it. It's kind of like all

00:14:58.889 --> 00:15:01.100
right Go to yourself. How can I do with this?

00:15:01.159 --> 00:15:04.700
And I never want to deal with it. I don't. Cause

00:15:04.700 --> 00:15:07.360
I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry anymore.

00:15:07.580 --> 00:15:09.879
Girl, I'm tired of crying. I'm tired. I just

00:15:09.879 --> 00:15:14.460
want some peace. Some happiness. And I'll get

00:15:14.460 --> 00:15:17.200
it. And I have it. Like truly I am a happy person.

00:15:17.539 --> 00:15:19.639
I am very peaceful. My life is very fucking good.

00:15:19.779 --> 00:15:21.700
Especially right now. It's very good. Like I

00:15:21.700 --> 00:15:24.460
said, it was just that big ass bump in the road.

00:15:24.559 --> 00:15:28.090
It was like a crater in the road. Right? But

00:15:28.090 --> 00:15:30.389
it's definitely teaching me how to deal with

00:15:30.389 --> 00:15:33.129
loss and learn since I said I've never dealt

00:15:33.129 --> 00:15:36.809
with it before and just prepare myself and grow

00:15:36.809 --> 00:15:39.809
for the future, you know stuff not to say it

00:15:39.809 --> 00:15:44.889
but like There can be worse not there's not words

00:15:44.889 --> 00:15:46.309
there's nothing worse than losing your kid but

00:15:46.309 --> 00:15:48.750
like there's more to come You know life is a

00:15:48.750 --> 00:15:52.269
very long road There's more to come. I can know

00:15:52.269 --> 00:15:56.759
that um, but just allowing myself to be It's

00:15:56.759 --> 00:15:59.379
okay if I don't want to get up this day and I

00:15:59.379 --> 00:16:01.519
don't want to work this day Or if I just want

00:16:01.519 --> 00:16:03.879
to lay down and have a me day, but I also need

00:16:03.879 --> 00:16:07.620
to tend to myself So I'm teaching myself that

00:16:07.620 --> 00:16:10.399
through the process And I hope if any of you

00:16:10.399 --> 00:16:12.220
guys out there are grieving as well that you

00:16:12.220 --> 00:16:14.139
are choosing healthy ways to cope But you're

00:16:14.139 --> 00:16:16.620
also you know if you don't have a support system

00:16:16.620 --> 00:16:20.460
reach out to me Y 'all can dump with me. I will

00:16:20.460 --> 00:16:22.539
I would chit chat with y 'all all the time if

00:16:22.539 --> 00:16:25.899
you need somebody to talk to you, but Just finding

00:16:25.899 --> 00:16:28.340
things that make you happy again, finding things

00:16:28.340 --> 00:16:31.659
you're interested in, and just not giving up

00:16:31.659 --> 00:16:35.100
on yourself. You cannot throw all the work away

00:16:35.100 --> 00:16:38.100
that you just did because you're having a hard

00:16:38.100 --> 00:16:41.100
time. You cannot. You must keep going as shitty

00:16:41.100 --> 00:16:44.259
as it sounds and as hard as it will be. You must

00:16:44.259 --> 00:16:46.340
keep going and you must see the light on the

00:16:46.340 --> 00:16:49.399
other side. I know it's hard. extremely hard

00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:50.960
to see the light on the other side especially

00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:53.820
when you've lost someone you love or lost a thing

00:16:53.820 --> 00:16:56.039
that you loved and you now think it's the end

00:16:56.039 --> 00:16:57.919
of the world like this is all I had to look for

00:16:57.919 --> 00:17:01.039
it's not there's so much more that is coming

00:17:01.039 --> 00:17:04.839
for you and there's more people you'll meet you'll

00:17:04.839 --> 00:17:07.359
love ten times deeply but also notice how much

00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:10.619
that pain hurt and how much people love you right

00:17:10.619 --> 00:17:14.259
how much you need to love yourself so just don't

00:17:14.259 --> 00:17:16.740
lose yourself through this process if you are

00:17:16.740 --> 00:17:19.500
grieving or you have like, you know, grieved.

00:17:20.440 --> 00:17:23.579
Also, think about what you've learned throughout

00:17:23.579 --> 00:17:26.940
that process. How are you? You know, did you

00:17:26.940 --> 00:17:30.420
learn anything new about yourself? How you process

00:17:30.420 --> 00:17:33.680
but how you still love when you're in pain? And

00:17:33.680 --> 00:17:36.859
how were you nice to people when you were in

00:17:36.859 --> 00:17:39.700
pain? Or were you mean? You know, how did you

00:17:39.700 --> 00:17:42.180
experience this? How were your thoughts? Were

00:17:42.180 --> 00:17:45.279
they negative? Did you belittle yourself or did

00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:48.359
you empower yourself? Wasn't a mixture both you

00:17:48.359 --> 00:17:50.559
know where you're where you at and how can you

00:17:50.559 --> 00:17:53.940
grow and learn from this but also? Allow yourself

00:17:53.940 --> 00:17:56.460
to feel it because I don't believe it is good

00:17:56.460 --> 00:18:00.279
to suppress anything I That's my number one enemy

00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:03.380
is suppression, okay? You need to feel every

00:18:03.380 --> 00:18:06.200
single ounce of this pain or any type of pain

00:18:06.200 --> 00:18:09.000
you feel ever Because first of all it's good

00:18:09.000 --> 00:18:11.619
for your body second of all it's just good for

00:18:11.619 --> 00:18:18.410
you in your brain and Just don't just don't lose

00:18:18.410 --> 00:18:21.329
yourself along the way keep yourself together

00:18:21.329 --> 00:18:24.869
keep yourself head high No matter how shade it

00:18:24.869 --> 00:18:26.789
is and even if you have to fake it You know most

00:18:26.789 --> 00:18:28.289
of the days when you're grieving you're gonna

00:18:28.289 --> 00:18:30.609
have to fake that shit, okay, but that's okay

00:18:30.609 --> 00:18:33.170
That's okay If you need to fall apart the second

00:18:33.170 --> 00:18:36.029
you step in the house you do that right and just

00:18:36.029 --> 00:18:38.430
know you are not alone on this grieving process

00:18:38.430 --> 00:18:40.490
I promise you there are millions of people out

00:18:40.490 --> 00:18:43.509
there who have went through the same thing or

00:18:43.509 --> 00:18:46.440
understand the pain you're feeling But there's

00:18:46.440 --> 00:18:48.039
also people who don't understand the pain you're

00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:50.140
feeling but they might try to help you in any

00:18:50.140 --> 00:18:56.039
single way they can so just Be cognizant of that

00:18:56.039 --> 00:19:01.099
Did I use that little correction I think so um

00:19:01.099 --> 00:19:03.740
And yeah, that's really what I had to say for

00:19:03.740 --> 00:19:07.579
today's episode It's just it's a crazy healing

00:19:07.579 --> 00:19:09.420
journey for everybody and you know, you guys

00:19:09.420 --> 00:19:12.410
know what I say growth is not linear Got the

00:19:12.410 --> 00:19:15.269
tattoos to remind myself of that so that is something

00:19:15.269 --> 00:19:17.430
I have been reminding myself of that gross is

00:19:17.430 --> 00:19:20.589
growth is not linear in that It might look crazy

00:19:20.589 --> 00:19:22.569
along the way and feel crazy and be horrible,

00:19:22.569 --> 00:19:26.930
but it will all be okay eventually One day, and

00:19:26.930 --> 00:19:28.549
then I'll have everything I've ever dreamed of

00:19:28.549 --> 00:19:31.690
and ever wanted and ever done and so will you

00:19:31.690 --> 00:19:36.470
and the way you choose to heal It doesn't matter

00:19:36.470 --> 00:19:39.109
if anybody agrees with you or disagrees with

00:19:39.109 --> 00:19:42.319
you. That is how you choose to heal And you will

00:19:42.319 --> 00:19:44.880
do it. You will be okay. Everything will be okay.

00:19:45.440 --> 00:19:50.019
I trust in you guys and our futures and our journeys.

00:19:50.119 --> 00:19:51.619
And like I said, if you guys ever need to talk

00:19:51.619 --> 00:19:54.740
or deal with your grieving process as well, my

00:19:54.740 --> 00:19:58.559
inbox is always open. Always. Always. Z -O -E

00:19:58.559 --> 00:20:02.019
-X -E -E on Instagram and on TikTok. And then

00:20:02.019 --> 00:20:04.380
did I overshare podcasts on Instagram and TikTok

00:20:04.380 --> 00:20:07.960
as well. But yeah, like I said, if you guys enjoyed

00:20:07.960 --> 00:20:11.940
this, leave a rating and a comment. this YouTube

00:20:11.940 --> 00:20:16.740
video or leave a review on you know I think it's

00:20:16.740 --> 00:20:19.200
at the bottom of my show notes you can do that

00:20:19.200 --> 00:20:22.940
on Apple and Spotify and yeah that's what I have

00:20:22.940 --> 00:20:27.420
today so kisses and hugs to you guys if you are

00:20:27.420 --> 00:20:30.279
currently grieving anything it could be a hobby

00:20:30.279 --> 00:20:32.279
you could be grieving a hobby someone who's alive

00:20:32.279 --> 00:20:35.079
a friend someone who's not alive you anything

00:20:35.079 --> 00:20:39.549
grief is very open and it's topics it does not

00:20:39.549 --> 00:20:41.730
have to mean death okay you can be grieving anything

00:20:41.730 --> 00:20:44.670
and I just hope if you are you get through it

00:20:44.670 --> 00:20:48.990
and you are you will be okay I love you I hope

00:20:48.990 --> 00:20:51.769
you love you and yeah that was today's episode

00:20:51.769 --> 00:20:54.549
I love you guys so much so bye