Guys is this thing on? It is your host Zoe and
I'm back with another freaking episode on the
did I over share podcast today? How are you guys
doing? How are you guys doing is? I've been a
very calm Sunday for me literally woke up that
had fun in my makeup and then got sushi and now
here I am Very unproductive yet productive if
I say so myself It's an online shopping too,
which is always fun. My birthday's coming up
Christmas coming out. There's a whole lot to
shop for so Having fun doing that. Okay. Um But
yeah, I hope you guys are good and before we
get into the episode You already know this like
the video version is available on YouTube all
streaming devices And if you do end up enjoying
it leave a review Love a good review and a rating
if you feel so inclined. So yeah today's episode
is grief Grief we're gonna talk about grief.
It was supposed to be something else again, but
I'm feeling called to talk about this Especially
since I've have been firsthand dealing with it
a lot and today's a good day So it's I feel like
it's good to talk about it today. Um, I don't
really know what I'm going to title it yet But
I do know my whole premise is grief Why I wanted
to talk to you guys about this today is because
I am going through it so Heavily right now like
I am in the grief trenches and let me say this
it was something me she had You know made very
apparent to me like I have had so much loss in
my life it's like so much But I didn't not really
related to death wise like I only had one big
death that has happened for me And that was when
a childhood best friend of mine um committed
and that i think that was very hard for me but
then like family wise my family's so damn small
there's like seven people and nobody has festiated
granted my grandma recently did but i wasn't
that close to her right so i've never really
dealt with it hands -on like it's never been
something i've dealt with and the first loss
i had was my son um the only thing i have dealt
with is like when i say loss it's just like i
had to realize i've had so much pain in my life
like so fucking much but how i would describe
it it's pain caused by others like others decisions
then cause me pain and hurt me nothing like nothing
directly that is like that has no cause or no
reason no rhyme or reason like death like it
just happens and that's not how the rest of my
pain has ever felt in life so i've never dealt
with it so truly here i am sitting as a 20 year
old adult going through it I'm in the trenches.
I'm in the trenches but I'm also learning how
to navigate it and not necessarily move on in
a way but also describe every new emotion that
I'm feeling and explain it and understand it,
where I'm at and how I feel. But yeah, I really
want to talk to you guys about it because truly
grief looks different for everyone and it looks
different every day. At the beginning I just
remember like It was hard, like the hardest thing
I've ever felt with, but after a week I was kinda
on my normal thing. Like, the way I tend to cope,
right? I tend to cope with bad jokes, bad humor,
really dark humor. Or I just kinda really put
a meaning and overanalyze everything and just
move on, you know? Like, what can I do, truly,
so let me just move on. But that's not how this
was gonna go. Like, I thought that's what it
was gonna be the first couple weeks. I'm like,
okay. And then it's not. Now I'm at the point
where it's like, I'll be living perfectly fine
and then one day I just wake up, hell broke loose,
okay? The worst day of my life, grief has snuckin'
up again. And I know there's so many other people
out here. who deal with grief or who have been
dealing with grief their whole life or you know
the pain of losing something and or someone.
So I wanted to talk about it and how I'm feeling
but also what I've learned in this process and
how I'm navigating that because it has been very
eye -opening for myself because specifically
the way I'm dealing with this grief for me at
the beginning I thought everything was a punishment
like I was like did I do something wrong is like
every everything like I lost faith I'm gonna
be honest I lost faith in everything everything
I would have ever believed in I lost faith in
it and that was hard coming from someone like
me because I'm like I said I'm very much an optimist
I'm always I was always that person who's seeing
on the good side I can always see through things
even when they're bad that was not me and it's
still not me at the moment like it's not um I've
gained some faith back but I really lost it because
when you are going through this and Dealing with
a pain like no other it's hard to sit here and
accept things for what they are Because it's
shitty and it doesn't make sense and why would
this ever happen? Why does this have to happen?
Why do I have to feel this? You know so many
different questions so it led me to sit there
and Just think like God. I can't I'm gonna be
honest. I still can't get out of my head like
I don't know I'm a day, okay I'm fine, and I'll
think about it, but the other day. I think what
three three two days ago I think I had the worst
day I've ever had throughout this process. It
was horrible and it was an all -time low. Like,
throughout the grief process, you genuinely start
to question your own self -identity. Who am I?
Why am I here? What am I doing? Like, what's
the point of all this? And as someone, coming
from someone who has dealt with a long line in
like past of mental anguish and trauma and depression
and everything you could ever name up, It's very
much a new approach to it because in like how
I'm going to describe this when I have been in
my lowest right it's never been because of me
right I never honestly I'm personally I've never
hit a depression where it was like it's caused
because I hate myself I don't like my body out
or I'm like something like you know something
like that it was never because of me like that's
what I was saying all of my issues there I say
or and or problems came from outside sources
like how someone treated me house how this situation
played out on me what was done to me and so much
it was never just me this is something I'm dealing
with and going through and I think me like this
was my child like this was a part of me and made
it way worse because now I actually have a reason
my head to blame myself which nothing was wrong
nothing was my fault like I know that superficially
right but then when The bad days hit I don't
know that I really don't and it's like you have
so much anger For everything around you at least
I do and how I'm processing this like I'll be
perfectly fine, but then I'm just like Empty
one minute completely empty like it genuinely
feels like my soul was ripped out of my body
losing my kid and I feel like I just have to
explain this loss and how I'm getting over it
or trying or navigating and the emotions that
are coming up for me because it's very confusing
to be here in full reality and acknowledge, hey,
I can't let myself down. Hey, I gotta keep pushing
and working for what I want and I gotta stay
strong. And you know, this isn't gonna last forever.
I know, we'll get over this, you know, we don't
have a rhyme or reason for everything and everything
will be fine. Like, I'm very self -aware when
I'm here, right? And then a bad day comes and
I, it's like... I'm trying to fight so hard to
see the good when a day like that comes but I
can't it's like my brain does not allow me like
I genuinely just sit here contemplating every
bad thing in the world and it's very random like
I'll be perfectly fine and then I see something
that reminds me of something or I hear something
and I just shut down all over again I I don't
want to eat Don't even know the last time I've
had I think I've had one meal a day each day
like I don't want to eat I don't want to think
I don't want to breathe I don't want to do anything
when moments like that happen and that's very
new for me. I've never had Like the feelings
like that, but it's also hard I feel like how
I'm dealing with it a part of me is always attacking
myself at the end of the day, right? I'm like,
should I be, am I doing too much? Am I feeling
too much? Or am I feeling too less? There's some
people who grieve even worse. Am I not doing
enough or am I doing too much? It's very much,
it's always gonna be a me problem at the end
of the day when I'm feeling these emotions, right?
It's never something where I'm little -headed,
because I'm not. Grief takes all rationality
out of the picture for me. And I'm learning that,
right? But it's also how important it is to have
someone in your vicinity who can be a support
system for you because, truthfully, I don't know
where I would be without Michi as my support,
you know? And it makes you think and feel for
people who don't. have anybody and they're just
processing those emotions alone because it's
scary you don't even trust yourself at that point
to make rational decisions or to do anything
or to cope healthily so I'm where I'm like I'm
at the point where I can't be so hard on myself
like I always am you know I have to allow myself
to deal with the pain and deal, you know, with
the good days and the bad days and everything
in between and how it will change and this grief
will probably stay with me for the rest of my
life. How do I want to navigate that and do it
healthily, you know, like not cope in horrible
ways, but at this time since it is fresh, allow
myself if I need to cope to cope, right? And
I have to stop thinking nobody's mad at me for
how I'm choosing to cope. Nobody's mad at me
if I'm still grieving. Nobody I shouldn't be
mad at myself because I'm still grieving like
I lost a big piece of me and It wasn't easy and
that's okay and I get to deal with that and process
it and that is okay I think I'm making this whole
situation Out to be where it's not. Okay, like
I need to pick myself up. I need to keep going
I can't give up on myself. I like for some reason
I think hey if I don't do this is one day It's
just all gonna be taken away from me. Cause truly
that's where I'm at. That's what I believed after
I lost him. It's like... Now I feel like no good
can happen to me. Right? Or if it is, it's too
good and it's just gonna get taken away. That's
where I'm at. It's like everything's too good
to believe. I'm just scared. Like I really lead
life right now with fear. Because I'm scared
I'm gonna lose it randomly and everybody's mad
at me and something's not gonna work out when...
I know that's not what it is, right? And it's
also hard experiencing grief when you have people
around you, which everybody has people around
them. So it's like when you have these people
asking you questions or bringing it back up or
nobody knows when to bring it back up or you
really want to express yourself and talk about
it but you don't want to fuck up the mood or
some people think you're taking too long to grieve
or too quick and so there's so many different
opinions and I think that's the hardest thing.
But also where other people are at the point
where you they can talk about it as normal conversation
I'm not like that yet. Like genuinely I will
combust on the spot like I can try to hold it
in but it's like it's still I'm still not ready
and I feel like I'm just attacking myself because
I'm not ready and But like I said, it's new for
me. I really I don't know how long this is gonna
take and I hate my brain feeling like mush I
hate being in a low spot. I hate being in a spot
where I don't want to do anything especially
after like my whole life I have fought and fought
so hard to pull myself out the gutter and to
be strong and to keep going and how how can we
learn from this how can we heal from this but
this is the first time I genuinely I have no
answers for myself I can't see the future right
now I can't do this and that leads with me I
don't need to have control I'm gonna be honest,
my phone turned off, so I had to pause. I don't
really know where I was at, but... What do I
even want to talk about it? So, one thing I've
learned. You cannot allow anybody to navigate
your grief for you, okay? Everybody deals with
things different, and it's okay if you deal with
it either type of way, you know? If it's heavy
on you or if it's not, if you choose not to feel
anything at all, right? And how you cope is okay.
Now, granted, make rational decisions, okay?
Okay, we need to be rational, ladies and gents.
But, this is your journey, it's how you process
and you will learn so much about yourself throughout
this process that you never knew before because
you were never exposed to this type of issue
and or scenario, so that is something i have
been navigating and how can i learn more about
myself throughout this and how resilient of a
person i truly am but also that it will be okay
you know like i know on days like this i i have
the wherewithal to know hey everything will be
more than okay everything that doesn't mean anything's
not going to work out or you are unlocking yourself
stuff is bad no i am Still okay and life still
will be amazing for me It was a slow bump in
the road, and I can't control my life either
I spend so much time trying to control my life
and the outcomes of it. I cannot do that. I can't
If I can't life is life. It's going to do what
it needs to do And I also need to learn to stop
trying to control everything on top of that right
um I also want to stop saying um you know I hate
to say it, but I do want to stop saying them
but it's also a good time grief allows you to
question and like I was talking about previously
how you could I was questioning my belief systems
and everything you know of the sort but generally
question everything in your life question the
people around you question yourself how you think
how you process what you do and it allows for
good introspection okay it does it really it
is if that's one of the good things that comes
with grief right Another thing I think that's
just been hard for me is like the lack of a support
system like I have a great fiance Right, but
it's just that so it's like Sometimes I don't
want it granted. He went through the same thing
was sometimes. I don't want to talk to him about
it I feel like I don't want to ruin the mood.
I don't want to you know Maybe he's not thinking
about it. Why would I why would I want to bring
it up and make him think about it? You know I
can't do that, but it's like when I have nobody
else to go to about it. It's kind of like all
right Go to yourself. How can I do with this?
And I never want to deal with it. I don't. Cause
I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry anymore.
Girl, I'm tired of crying. I'm tired. I just
want some peace. Some happiness. And I'll get
it. And I have it. Like truly I am a happy person.
I am very peaceful. My life is very fucking good.
Especially right now. It's very good. Like I
said, it was just that big ass bump in the road.
It was like a crater in the road. Right? But
it's definitely teaching me how to deal with
loss and learn since I said I've never dealt
with it before and just prepare myself and grow
for the future, you know stuff not to say it
but like There can be worse not there's not words
there's nothing worse than losing your kid but
like there's more to come You know life is a
very long road There's more to come. I can know
that um, but just allowing myself to be It's
okay if I don't want to get up this day and I
don't want to work this day Or if I just want
to lay down and have a me day, but I also need
to tend to myself So I'm teaching myself that
through the process And I hope if any of you
guys out there are grieving as well that you
are choosing healthy ways to cope But you're
also you know if you don't have a support system
reach out to me Y 'all can dump with me. I will
I would chit chat with y 'all all the time if
you need somebody to talk to you, but Just finding
things that make you happy again, finding things
you're interested in, and just not giving up
on yourself. You cannot throw all the work away
that you just did because you're having a hard
time. You cannot. You must keep going as shitty
as it sounds and as hard as it will be. You must
keep going and you must see the light on the
other side. I know it's hard. extremely hard
to see the light on the other side especially
when you've lost someone you love or lost a thing
that you loved and you now think it's the end
of the world like this is all I had to look for
it's not there's so much more that is coming
for you and there's more people you'll meet you'll
love ten times deeply but also notice how much
that pain hurt and how much people love you right
how much you need to love yourself so just don't
lose yourself through this process if you are
grieving or you have like, you know, grieved.
Also, think about what you've learned throughout
that process. How are you? You know, did you
learn anything new about yourself? How you process
but how you still love when you're in pain? And
how were you nice to people when you were in
pain? Or were you mean? You know, how did you
experience this? How were your thoughts? Were
they negative? Did you belittle yourself or did
you empower yourself? Wasn't a mixture both you
know where you're where you at and how can you
grow and learn from this but also? Allow yourself
to feel it because I don't believe it is good
to suppress anything I That's my number one enemy
is suppression, okay? You need to feel every
single ounce of this pain or any type of pain
you feel ever Because first of all it's good
for your body second of all it's just good for
you in your brain and Just don't just don't lose
yourself along the way keep yourself together
keep yourself head high No matter how shade it
is and even if you have to fake it You know most
of the days when you're grieving you're gonna
have to fake that shit, okay, but that's okay
That's okay If you need to fall apart the second
you step in the house you do that right and just
know you are not alone on this grieving process
I promise you there are millions of people out
there who have went through the same thing or
understand the pain you're feeling But there's
also people who don't understand the pain you're
feeling but they might try to help you in any
single way they can so just Be cognizant of that
Did I use that little correction I think so um
And yeah, that's really what I had to say for
today's episode It's just it's a crazy healing
journey for everybody and you know, you guys
know what I say growth is not linear Got the
tattoos to remind myself of that so that is something
I have been reminding myself of that gross is
growth is not linear in that It might look crazy
along the way and feel crazy and be horrible,
but it will all be okay eventually One day, and
then I'll have everything I've ever dreamed of
and ever wanted and ever done and so will you
and the way you choose to heal It doesn't matter
if anybody agrees with you or disagrees with
you. That is how you choose to heal And you will
do it. You will be okay. Everything will be okay.
I trust in you guys and our futures and our journeys.
And like I said, if you guys ever need to talk
or deal with your grieving process as well, my
inbox is always open. Always. Always. Z -O -E
-X -E -E on Instagram and on TikTok. And then
did I overshare podcasts on Instagram and TikTok
as well. But yeah, like I said, if you guys enjoyed
this, leave a rating and a comment. this YouTube
video or leave a review on you know I think it's
at the bottom of my show notes you can do that
on Apple and Spotify and yeah that's what I have
today so kisses and hugs to you guys if you are
currently grieving anything it could be a hobby
you could be grieving a hobby someone who's alive
a friend someone who's not alive you anything
grief is very open and it's topics it does not
have to mean death okay you can be grieving anything
and I just hope if you are you get through it
and you are you will be okay I love you I hope
you love you and yeah that was today's episode
I love you guys so much so bye